#peanut butter m&ms and monster time to try and fix my me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ourceliumnetwork · 6 months ago

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*flops on the ground sadly*

i just... i'm already struggling with the fact that i am disabled and it keeps trying to take shit from me now that i'm in a mental place to actually enjoy the nice things. i already feel like shit gets taken out from under me all the time anyway (thanks Traumatic Upbringing) and i don't need it to actually be true again. i'm pretty sure if I have to face the option of actually losing various pleasures in life i will be referred to on the news by a pseudonym. or at minimum cry a lot.

I've just learned chocolate doesn't sting other people in their mouths like a mild acid. the amount of sting chocolate is supposed to give you is zero. i just. i can't do activities, i can't have certain foods, i probably oughtn't have certain other foods but i'm gonna because if you take chocolate away from me i will be SO SAD. you'll have to watch me CRY. just SO MUCH. and i'm being ridiculous about the chocolate because i have to be because if i think about any of the further implications of my life being snatched out away from me I will not recover.

like not only did i not live up to the potential future everyone in my life said i would have as a child, but also i squandered it and then i my disabilities said i wasn't allowed to ignore them anymore and now i can't do anything even though i'm here still and i want to! i want to go and do things and enjoy life adn i FUCKING CAN'T BECAUSE MY BODY WON'T LET ME and it's

it's just a lot. it's a lot and it's always been a lot and i've always struggled with this and it's not new i just have words for it and it... i'll be okay when the pain passes but every time i just fear this will be the time that this is the amount of pain i'll be in forever and i just... i'm just so fucking tired.

and my shoulder hurts.

#anyway #peanut butter m&ms and monster time to try and fix my me #i've had real food for breakfast don't fuss at me #ya boi needs a fuckin... miracle but for now comfort food and medicinal monster to the rescue #part of the reason i cut my attempts to find someone to sleep with short was because i am afraid that people won't want to be with me #when they find out how fucking fragile my body can be #this part is tmi ignore if you want #but like... i am not delicate i *want* roughhousing and jostling and wrestling to be like. part of my life #but if i sleep wrong my shoulder dislocates and if there's storms my ribs ache and i can't breathe #and if i stand up incorrectly my knee slips out of place and like #those are just the old injuries let's not talk about any of the other shit i have going on where my hips don't sit still in their places #and my ankles and wrists pop and snap constantly my fingers definitely overextend when i use them #i get woozy if i stand up too fast my heart races while i'm standing and i get winded walking across the house #i can't fucking DO anything i can't GO anywhere without having to bring a fuck ton of stuff with me just to be safe and i can't fucking...#i can't fucking do this guys.#i'm gonna. i gotta. but i can't. and it sucks

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