#paula deserves better

[immagrosscandy]

y6ch18 feat. hora de aventura reference

[majestativa]

You only have to look at the Medusa straight on to see her. And she’s not deadly. She’s beautiful and she’s laughing.

— Hélène Cixous, The Medusa Reader, transl by Keith Cohen & Paula Cohen, (2013)

[twilightpackfanatfics]

Letters To Santa

Tis The Season entry #2 is live.

Summary: Leah goes to drop off a letter for Santa at her local post office, not realizing it's going to change her life for the better. Prompt: TPFHolidayChallenge1223. Song of choice: Kirje joulupukille by Paula Vesala. Story Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/TPFHolidayChallenge1223/works/51745360 For more information on TPF's final writing challenge of 2023, Tis The Season, please check out the Collection Profile Page here: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/TPFHolidayChallenge1223/profile Twilight Pack Fanatfics Admin Note: I'm attempting to make banners to post with all submissions - If authors wish to make their own, please contact me through FB messenger or via the TPF's Short Story Challenge email listed on the Collection Profile page. xo.

Summary: Leah goes to drop off a letter for Santa at her local post office, not realizing it's going to change her life for the better. Rating: Teen and Up. F/F. Prompt: TPFHolidayChallenge1223. Song of choice: Kirje joulupukille by Paula Vesala. Story Link: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/TPFHolidayChallenge1223/works/51745360 For more information on TPF's final writing challenge of 2023, Tis The Season, please check out the Collection Profile Page here: https://archiveofourown.org/collections/TPFHolidayChallenge1223/profile Twilight Pack Fanatfics Admin Note: I'm attempting to make banners to post with all submissions - If authors wish to make their own, please contact me through FB messenger or via the TPF's Short Story Challenge email listed on the Collection Profile page. xo.

[hoffmannwrites]

I get so irrational upset whenever I see anything alluding to Eddie’s death. Like ACTUALLY he’s fine and he lived and Steve made it out and got him help just in time and everything is fine and also they’re in love and you’d KNOW that if you watched the show (the one that lives in my brain)!!!!! Like I’m deadass not gonna be able to watch next season because I have deluded myself completely.

[dreamwritesimagines]

Garden of Secrets [25] - Sweet Pea

A.N: Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback and support my loves, it made my whole week, you’re amazing!❤ I hope you’ll like this chapter as well, and please don’t forget to tell me what you think, thank you! ❤

Thanks so much to @theskytraveler​ for helping me with the chapter!

Summary: Small gestures can be romantic.

Warnings: Regency era society and social rules, some gender specific language and terms, mentions of violence, slow burn.

Word Count: 3400

Series Masterlist

Surprisingly, there were no nightmares for the rest of the night. In fact, your sleep was uninterrupted until you woke up to the sound of the birds chirping, the warm sunlight spilling through the curtains. You heaved a sigh as you sat up in the bed, then stretched out, the knock on the door making you turn your head.

“Yes?”

The door opened and Paula stepped inside, then walked across the room to open the curtains.

“Good morning ma’am,” she said. “Did you sleep well?”

“Better than usual,” you said. “Is it breakfast time?”

“It is,” she said. “Mr. Bridgerton is already awake.”

You tilted your head. “Is he?”

“Yes, he was in the breakfast room when I saw him,” she said, pulling a gown out of your wardrobe. “This one for the day?”

You thought for a moment, then smiled.

“Yes thank you.”

It took you around half an hour to get ready, and you made your way down the hall to get to the breakfast room. As Paula had told you, Benedict was already there pacing in the room and he turned as soon as he saw you.

“Y/N.”

“Good morning,” you said, taking your seat and he stepped closer.

“Are you alright?”

“Why would I not be alright?” you asked, then looked up at the footman filling your teacup. “Thank you.”

“Ma’am.”

“Did you eat?”  you asked Benedict and he shook his head.

“No— that’s not important,” he said and stole a look at the footmen. “Can we have the room?”

They walked out of the room immediately, and you grabbed a piece of toast while he took the seat near yours.

“Tell me what you need,” he said and you shrugged your shoulders.

“I mean I was going to say olive bread but I have it right here.”

“Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes and shot him a light hearted glare. “Benedict.”

“Does your wrist hurt?”

“I didn’t tell you all that just so that you could look at me with worry in your eyes as if I’m going to break down any moment,” you deadpanned, ripping the edge of the toast to pop it in your mouth. “And as I’ve said last night, I’m fine. Josie had it worse than I did—”

“It’s not a competition.”

You paused for a moment, then shrugged your shoulders.

“Either way,” you said. “If you’re going to be like this at tonight’s dinner, I’ll skip it entirely and you’ll have to watch Anthony and Lottie be in love all by yourself.”

“Y/N.”

“I’ll say I passed out, you can’t say it wouldn’t be belie—”

“Where is he now?” he cut you off impatiently, that fire burning in his blue eyes and you averted your gaze for a moment, then grabbed your cup to take a sip of your tea.

“Away.”

“But where?”

“I’m not telling you anything when you look like you’re going to find him to challenge him to a duel.”

“Duels are a matter of honor,” he said. “He has none. Trust me, I have other things in mind for him, had a couple of ideas last night.”

You tilted your head. “You didn’t sleep last night?”

“That’s not important,” he said. “Where is he?”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but you can’t kill my father.”

“Breaking every bone in his body doesn’t count as killing him,” he paused for a moment. “Although, the idea is tempting—”

“Benedict,” you said and he let out a bitter laugh.

“He deserves it.”

You heaved a sigh and turned to look at him better, reaching out to place your hand over his on the table.

“You know it better than everyone by now that I’m not the forgiving type,” you said. “But any contact with him is way more than what he deserves.”

He gritted his teeth, still deep in thought. “He needs to pay for what he did.”

“He needs to be forgotten actually,” you pointed out. “I’m not going to spare that prick any thought, neither should you.”

Your name left his lips in an exasperated sigh.

“You’re my wife,” he reminded you, making your heart skip a beat. “I love you, I can’t just let that—”

“Benedict, I’ve quite gotten used to you being around,” you cut him off, your cheeks burning. “So stop trying to find a way to not be around, like murder or maiming.”

“But—”

“He is miserable, and he’s going to stay and die miserable in that hellhole,” you insisted. “I promise you, he’s not even worth your anger, he’s nothing.”  

He turned his hand under yours and lifted it to press a chaste kiss on your hand, his thumb caressing your wrist as he pulled back. For a moment you felt as if he could hear your heartbeat because of how fast it was, and a smile warmed your lips, that familiar fluttering appearing in your stomach once more.

“So,” you said. “Onto more pressing matters. Tonight’s dinner?”

He thought for a moment, then made a face.

“I just…” he trailed off, running a hand over his eyes. “Can we skip that?”

“Can we skip the dinner your mother is throwing to celebrate your best friend and your brother’s courtship?” you asked. “No. No we cannot.”

“You had a good idea there, if we said you passed out—”

“I was going to do that for my own benefit, not yours,” you said. “So no.”

“We’re married!”

“So?”

“So you’re supposed to be on my side,” he insisted and you clicked your tongue.

“Debatable,” you pointed out, trying to keep a straight face. “There are a bunch of married couples who stab each other in the back.”

“Like you, Brutus?”

“Kind of but look on the bright side,” you said. “At least I’m doing it to your face.”

“Oh much appreciated,” he said with a grin and you let a smile warm your face, then shrugged your shoulders.

“Of course,” you said as you took your tea cup to your lips. “I’m nothing if not considerate.”

                                            *

Charlotte’s family was quite crowded and you knew it but all of them and the Bridgertons together in a room equaled absolute chaos. Lord and Lady Harlowe were very sweet, and you’d had the chance to have a small conversation with them before making your way to sit beside Eloise on the sofa.

“Well you look glum.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m delighted,” she said with a scowl on her face and you tilted your head, then stole a look at Charlotte who was talking to Daphne and Anthony. Colin and Benedict were already in a conversation by the corner of the room while the children ran around, Lady Bridgerton telling them to be careful. You reached out to touch her arm, then nodded at the door.

“Come on.”

“What?”

“Come on,” you said. “There’s still some time for dinner and you look like you’re in a need of some peace and quiet. Let’s go outside, they can call us in when the dinner is ready.”

“You don’t want to spend your time giving loving glances to your beloved, just like the rest of the people in this room?”

“My beloved is still not totally alright with the idea of Anthony and Charlotte, so I think I’ll leave him be,” you said and stood up. “He can handle himself. Let’s go.”

She huffed out but followed you out of the room and you both made your way downstairs, then stepped out of the house to go sit on the swings in the backyard. She looked behind her to make sure no one was watching you two, then turned to you.

“Will you tell my mother if I smoke?”

“Do I look like a person who tells people things?”

She scoffed a laugh, then took out a cigarette package to offer it to you, but you shook your head.

“No thank you.”

She put one between her lips, then lit it and exhaled the smoke.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she said. “I’m happy for Lottie and Anthony. I’ve spent my whole life thinking she would be a part of our family, just…”

“Through a different brother?” you asked and she let out a small laugh.

“Does it bother you?”

“No,” you said, shaking your head. “Not at all.”

“As it shouldn’t. I mean we didn’t know Anthony and Lottie were in love obviously, and her and Benedict were close friends so we assumed…”

“You and the rest of the ton,” you said. “And me for a while.”

“You thought they were courting?”

“Both Lottie and Benedict said they weren’t, on different occasions,” you said. “I would have taken myself out of that picture immediately if they were, trust me.”

She nodded slowly.

“So it’s not a matter of her being a part of your family,” you said. “What is it then?”

She thought for a moment, then shook her head.

“I was supposed to have more time,” she said through her teeth, making you frown. “This whole season—first Benedict got married, now Daphne is getting married, Anthony will certainly marry Lottie within the season and…I’m next.”

“Not Colin?”

“Have you seen him around Marina?” she asked. “And it doesn’t matter. If it’s not her it’ll be someone else. I was supposed to have years and years and now it’s…it’s at my door.”

Oh that feeling was quite familiar.

You pressed your lips together, curling your fingers around the rope of the swing.

“And before you tell me what a bliss love and marriage are—”

“I’m not going to say that,” you said. “Or any of that nonsense.”

She turned to look at you better, a look of disbelief flashing over her face.

“I’m just going to ask you something,” you said. “And do correct me if I’m wrong because I’ve only been here for a little time but…your family doesn’t strike me as people to push you into a marriage you don’t want, am I wrong?”

She shook her head again.

“They wouldn’t do that,” she said. “But it doesn’t matter. They all want me to fall in love and get married.”

“I think they want you to be happy,” you said. “They just think falling in love and getting married is the only way of doing so, but considering your family and status, you do have the luxury of choosing your own path to happiness if you wish.”

She blinked a couple of times.

“And you are not going to wax poetic about how marriage is the best thing in the world?”

You scoffed a laugh. “That would be quite hypocritical of me, considering I spent my whole life hating the idea of marriage.”

She stared at you. “Really?”

“Oh yeah,” you said. “It was merely a threat for me, Damocles’ sword hanging over my head. The idea never held much of a promise.”

“It’s a nightmare for me.”

“I don’t blame you,” you pointed out. “But it’s a nightmare you won’t have to go through if you don’t wish to. Your family loves you too much to put you through anything you don’t want.”

“And when I debut next year?”

“I’ll teach you how to intimidate your suitors with a glare,” you said, making her let out a giggle. “I’m quite good at it.”

“Mm hm, I heard. The Ice Queen.”

“I’ll hand over the crown to you,” you joked and she licked her lips.

“So you changed your mind but you’re not going to give me that speech about…”

“How you’ll also change your mind once you are in love and all that nonsense?” you finished her question for her. “Think of love like catching cold, alright? Yes it could happen to anyone, but you could take some precautions to make sure it doesn’t happen to you.”

She stared at you before a laughter escaped from her lips. “You have the heart of a poet.”

“That’s so rude of you,” you deadpanned, then shot her a grin. “I understand why you’re worried, but I can assure you, nothing you don’t want will ever happen to you. Not with the family you have.”

She offered you a small smile and took a drag of her cigarette again before throwing the cigarette butt on the ground to step on it.

“And you and Benedict?” she asked. “How come you fell in love if you took precautions?”

You bit down on your lip, deep in thought.

“We just…” you trailed off and took a deep breath. “He took me by surprise.”

She shot you a look. “Easy as that?”

You nodded your head, running your nail over the rope of the swing.

“Yeah,” you muttered. “Contrary to what people seem to believe, it doesn’t have to be complicated all the time.”

“Ladies,” you heard a familiar voice that sent a warmth through your chest, and looked over your shoulder to see Benedict.

“Brother,” Eloise said. “Mama sent you?”

“I volunteered,” he said. “I figured you wouldn’t want her to see you smoke. Dinner is ready.”

Eloise heaved a sigh and stood up from the swing.

“Let’s celebrate people being in love,” she grumbled in a dramatic manner and made her way to the house with you following her. Benedict squeezed her shoulder in an assuring manner as she walked past him, and you winked at him.

“Are you going to be okay, tortured artist?”

“Ask me again at the end of tonight,” he muttered and you let out a laugh, then stepped back into the house.

                                            *

The dinner was developing quite similarly to what your and Benedict’s engagement dinner was like. Everyone was happy, Anthony and Charlotte looked like they were barely aware of anyone else in the room, Lady Bridgerton, Lady Harlowe and Lord Harlowe in a deep conversation before Lord Harlowe turned to the couple.

“I did have a feeling,” he said, motioning at them and Charlotte’s jaw dropped.

“Did you papa?”

“Mm hm. For both of you.”

“Wait, me too?” Anthony asked and Lady Harlowe chuckled.

“You weren’t exactly subtle, Anthony.”

Anthony grinned and reached out to hold Charlotte’s hand over the table, making Benedict shake his head slightly.

“He was I think!” Lottie said. “I didn’t know about his feelings, and I thought he wouldn’t share mine.”

“How could I not, my love?” Anthony said and Benedict pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I will stab myself with this fork I swear to God…”

“Benny!”

“Stop it Benedict,” Daphne said. “I for one am glad Anthony has found love. It’s the most precious thing in the world after all.”

“You know,” you said. “Living with Benedict, I thought I developed an immunity for how strange people in love sound most of the time, but apparently not.”

Colin shot you a confused look. “You’re in love with Benedict.”

“Never remind me that ever again,” you deadpanned, making Benedict pat your arm as if trying to console you.

“Benny, you must be happy for me,” Lottie said. “The love of my life loves me back—”

“Charlie, I’m begging you not to call my brother that.”

“Benedict, I had to put up with those endless goddamn speeches of yours when you fell in love with your wife, did you forget about that? You once talked about how beautiful she is for over thirty minutes, and I know that because Colin was timing it.”

You tried to repress your smile and Colin nodded.

“Thirty-five minutes, to be exact.”

“And also, what am I supposed to call the love of my life, Benny?” Lottie asked and Benedict shrugged his shoulders.

“Acquaintance?”

“Jesus Christ,” you muttered. “See Benedict, this is exactly why people thought you two were in a courtship and no one except Lord and Lady Harlowe knew they were in love.”

“We weren’t—”

“Oh Y/N, please don’t think—”

“No no,” you waved your hands as a chorus of disagreement rose from the table. “Don’t worry about it, I know. Trust me, this—” you motioned at Benedict. “Would have been so much easier to understand if there was a courtship, just saying.”

“But there wasn’t, because I have been completely in love with Tony for years,” Lottie chirped and Anthony smiled at her fondly before leaning in to mutter something into her ear, making her giggle.

“Are you excited for your wedding, Daphne?” Lady Harlowe asked and she nodded.

“I am, Lady Harlowe,” she said. “And you are coming to the breakfast surely?”

“Oh we are, we wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“I might,” Eloise muttered and Lady Bridgerton gasped.

“Eloise!”

“What? It’s a possibility mama, who knows what might happen that day?”

“We will remind you of this when it’s your wedding breakfast dear,” Lady Harlowe said and you grinned at Eloise.

“I think Eloise will follow my lead when it comes to suitors once she debuts,” you said and Benedict tilted his head.

“Scaring the soul out of all of them?”

You nodded and Lord Harlowe chuckled before pointing between you two.

“All but one, apparently.”

You stole a look at Benedict, mirroring his smile and raised your glass slightly.

“Yeah,” you said. “All but one.”

                                                  *

The rest of the dinner went perfectly well and when you and Benedict returned home, the weather was still quite lovely, the sound of crickets and the water fountain reaching your ears, the warm wind caressing your skin. Benedict hid his yawn behind his hand as you looked up at the marble stairs leading up to the front door of the house, then turned to him.

“Tired?”

“Just a little,” he muttered. “I didn’t sleep last night, so…”

You paused for a moment.

“Right,” you said. “Of course. You must get some rest.”

“And you?”

“I think I’ll enjoy the fresh air some more before going to sleep,” you said. “It’s such a nice night.”

“Do you want some company?”

“Perhaps another night because I must insist that you go to sleep,” you said with a laugh. “Really. You look like you’re about to pass out and in case you forgot, that’s my thing.”

He chuckled, nodding his head before yawning again.

“Alright,” he said. “Good night then.”

“Good night,” you said and watched him climb the stairs before taking a deep breath. “And Benedict?”

He turned around to look at you. “Yes?”

“You know they will be happy together right?” you asked. “Anthony and Lottie?”

He smiled softly.

“Oh I know,” he said. “They’re so in love, I can’t believe I didn’t see that before.”

“I can’t believe that either,” you pointed out. “But you might want to tell Lottie you’re happy for them.”

Benedict grinned and nodded his head again.

“I did,” he said. “Right before we left. She knows.”

“Good.”

“I might take my time to tell Anthony though.”

“I’m behind that decision one hundred percent,” you said and he let out a laugh.

“I knew you would,” he said. “Sweet dreams.”

“You too,” you said and he walked into the house, leaving you in the garden. You heaved a sigh, then started making your way through the garden, enjoying the beautiful sight.

After passing by the roses, you leaned in to inhale the pleasant scent of sweet pea flowers, closing your eyes for a moment before opening them again. You ran your palm over them, looking down to see them better but as soon as you did, a four-leaf clover on the flower bed sticking out of the soil caught your eye, making you let out a chuckle.

“Well hello there,” you muttered as you reached down to rip it, then went back into the house.

You climbed up the stairs, but as soon as you reached the door to your room you paused, stealing a look at Benedict’s closed door. You nibbled on your lip, then threw your shoulders back and passed through the hallway to get to the door of his studio. It was dark aside from the moonlight spilling through the window and you stepped inside, careful not to bump into anything before approaching the small table which had his palette and a couple of his paints. You took a deep breath, then put the four-leaf clover on the table, stepping back to see it better, then frowned and stepped forward to put it on the palette, nodding to yourself once you were convinced it looked good.

A smile warmed your face and you bit on your nail, and left the studio to rush to your bedroom as if he could see you. You pressed a hand over your chest as you entered your room, then discarded your clothes as quickly as you could before you flung yourself on the bed to pull the pillow to your chest, a giddy giggle escaping from your lips.

Chapter 26

[graphx]

tpn artbook things I noticed!

MATCHING YUUGO AND RAY VEST IM GOING TO EXPLODEEEEEE

Norman with a gun is so funny to me. He is trying so hard to look cool but he is a bird with hollow bones, the recoil from that lil thing would send him to the floor faster than Ray slapping him

stop pretending ur helping Norman, Don is literally doing all the work behind u

he is so scared to be next to ashye even in the poster (rip zack's nose scar)

the fact that norman looks so much like Nat in the concept art XD is that a cowlick or a halo???!?!!

(CHARLIE BROWN????) I regret pointing this out to my sister because now it's my pfp in her phone

vincent's sense of style will never be anything less than amazing. Look at Cislo he is SO READY for game night :D (JEMIMA AND ZAZIE WITH STUFFED ANIMALS AUGHHHHH)

HES IN HIS COMA EVEN IN THE ART IM- jail. jail for a thousand years. right next to his dead dads too IM DONE

have a Dominic it will make you feel better

Paula not knowing how party poppers work is adorable.

what they deserve (im embarrassed to have andrew's face in my camera roll)

look at Ray and Gilda pretending not to care about their little brothers (they love them more than life itself)

HE IS CARRYING THEIR THINGS JUST LIKE A DAD SHOULDDDDDD (upgraded from old man to walking coat rack :D)

why does phil get a father figure that hasn't died D:/ (jk love that for him more stronk phil plz)

YELLOW EYED VIOLET AND BROWN EYED PHIL JUMPSCARE

(my sister: gillian is dying in the bg

me: this ani't about her)

Barbra 🤝 Gillian stealing demon masks and keeping them as souvenirs

EMMAS LOST SHOE!!!!!!!

.......i'm not gonna say anything here........

there was no Don glow up he was always beautiful to me

little bunny revenge arc

he slept in the dining room???? because he didn't wanna go in the old rooms of his siblings where he wrote poachers DDDD:::::::

the ominous messages behind them!!!!!!

[spacesurfing]

*sprints in* HAPPY 300 FOLLOWERSSSSS!! YOU DESERVE EVERY SINGLE ONE PAULA AND I'M SO GLAD I FOLLOWED YOU <3

As for the request thing...

Song: Fallin' by Why Don't We

Character: Dewdrop

Listening to the song right now... it will be presented!

•--•

Don't Let Me Wish Like This

Dewdrop Ghoul x Reader Fluff/Angst

Summary: What's more entertaining to a crowd than two lovers in the same bad? Flirting was more cheered upon, scandalous gestures made videos go viral and you even got a good laugh back at the ministry. But - wait, who lit the candles and who set you heart ablaze like that?

Warnings: faked relationship, ghoul!reader, angry boy Dewdrop

GIF NOT MINE!!

•--•

What was better than a bit of flirting on stage with costumes on and other band members with the same flirtatious attitudes? It was normal for the ghouls to all flirt - they'd always been that way, only protective if their partner was the one being flirted with.

But on stage, it didn't matter. Because the flirting was for show. And the show was excellent in the fan's eyes, so you continued. But one time in the tour bus, human glamour on in full, you turned to Sodo with a mischievous smirk spread across your face.

"Do you wanna pretend to date? The crowd would go nuts," you said to the fiery ghoul. He smiled widely, moving his hair back after it had fallen into his face at the turn of his head. He was gorgeous in that moment, the first time you'd seen him in a completely different light than just a fellow ghoul.

He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into him, "Of course, I mean, they'd be going crazy over that!" he nudged you in the shoulder with his free fist, "You've got good ideas."

And ever since then, you'd pretended to kiss, lips so close to touching yours that it would send streaks of cold through your body. It felt like the ceiling and all its lights would fall when he walked away from you.

You would hug him between songs and give him kisses on the cheek of his mask. You sung to him during Mary On A Cross, like you were in love.

You even appeased one fan that would scream whenever you came near the fire ghoul by sinking to your knees in front of him, pressing your tongue to his clothed thigh. But it was all fake, right? It was all fake because the way he laughed at you when you flirted with him made it fake. The way that he only took it as jokes made it fake. But when he would voluntarily lean into you, get close to your face, so close you could see the glow of his eyes. That made you wish it weren't.

You regretted that day. The day where you suggested your "brilliant idea." Because you realized that there was a thin line between fake and real. And you wanted to shove him over that line and kiss him once he realized which side he was on. But the play you put on was all fake, like when he'd pull you into his arms after shedding his guitar, just trying to get a rise out of the fans.

That wasn't fake to you. The way he made you freeze in time. On a stage in a room full of noise - the only thing you could hear was his breath.

This certain conecert broke you though.

You remember the beginning of the show, the lead guitarist following you like a lost puppy around the stage, kissing you on the top of your mask repetitively. He still interacted with most of the the other ghouls, including his boys in the mix. But, he always came back to you. You were his best friend next to Aether, why wouldn't he? Best friend. You were his best friend.

You felt throat swell with jealousy at him fooling around with the other ghouls, but that was what they did. Why would you be jealous? Dewdrop wasn't even your mate, nor would be ever be. Because you were only his best friend.

During Mary On A Cross, he reached out to your face, caressing your face with one hand, you damn-near cried right there beneath your mask, hands fumbling with your guitar, an instrument you had taken the privilege of playing from Swiss.

"I thought you said you were good at guitar," Dewdrop teased, loud enough for you to hear over all the instruments. You scoffed at his comment and he only laughed, waltzing away to go give a performance for everybody in the center.

Your cheeks reddened in embarrassment. No, it wasn't because he noticed the change in guitar - well, maybe that too - but because he he had been so close to your face. Once again. You were embarrassed to be attracted to him. Not in love. You weren't in love with him. Cause that would just be completely silly to love someone when they don't love you back.

You had zoned for that show, staying near the right side of the stage, near Aether. And you were lucky that he was so distracting that nobody noticed the way your body held itself up and your guitar barely created music. And your ears had shut off as well, eyes staring blankly into the crowd while your foot slapped the stage in rhythm.

That was till Dewdrop animated you, snuck up behind you and leaned in near your ear. His chest kept space between your back so his hands could move, but his head nudged yours. You titled yours to the side, making room for him to rest against you.

"What's wrong, not feeling the crowd tonight?" he asked, pressing his clothed lips to your shoulder. This wasn't what you wanted at all. You wanted to go home. You wanted to beg Papa to let you go back to hell. Cause whatever this torture was, it's worse than what Satan could have in mind.

You paused for a moment, strumming your guitar, though it was like no noise came out at all. "Yeah," you mumbled, loud enough for his ears to hear. At least you knew he was also deadpanning into everything you did - though with how quiet you were you didn't blame him for doing so.

"That's alright, I wasn't really feeling them either," he purred, nuzzling against your neck for show. For show. Only for show.

You faked a laugh, "You're always feeling the crowd Dew, you don't have to say that."

The fire ghoul stepped away from you and you panned your eyes across the crowd. They were all coming down from cheering at how close you were to Dewdrop. They were just like your heart in a way, jumping the moment he stepped inside of your personal bubble.

Dewdrop hummed, playing next to you with an upbeat happiness that you didn't have. You felt your heart choke you. This was your fault that he was so out of reach but so fucking close to you. As the final notes played, ones that it didn't even seem like you knew, you beat down your guitar, pretending to be happy like Dewdrop was.

He loved the eyes on him, not something you hated. But you hated that he had thousands on him, because he couldn't see that one pair begged him louder than the others.

Though he couldn't see your eyes, couldn't see the way you watched his fingers strum his guitar, the veins in his hands pronounced with every movement he made. It was like you were a ghost in the mix of ghouls. You were see-through.

It was like he stood there radiating light. He was the only thing that stood out to you. He was a pronounced figure, basking in the light of his gorgeousness. You wanted to reach out and touch him, but he wasn't yours to touch.

And the time dragged on, with you watching Dewdrop like you were one in the crowd. And I guess it's hard to feel eyes on you when everyone's eyes are truly on you. Maybe he couldn't feel yours cause he didn't wish you looked at him in that way.

You could feel his when he was coming to approach you. You always felt his eyes in you. But they never were on you for no reason at all. Yours however, you always had little to no reason to be watching the ghoul.

The show had finally finished, the time at the end of a ritual to smile and wave at fans, your guitar set aside. Dewdrop snuggled you under his arm as he threw his picks into the crowd. You wrapped you arms around his waist tight. But it didn't matter if it felt like you were clinging onto him like he'd ditch you. Because it was for show so you might as well hug him hard.

You released him, collecting some of the flowers littered across the stage and looking back up to see that most of the guys were filing off of it. You offered a tiny wave to the crowd and ran over to the rest of them, trailing behind the girls.

Sunshine was holding a rat plush and Cirrus had bouquet of red roses, Cumulus having plucked one out of the set was was now picking at the petals, trailing them across the stage and into the backstage. Their movements were so gentle and soft compared to the hard and confident walks of the guys, it sent a calming relief over you, allowing your bones to settle.

Though, someone must have sensed your stress all drifting off cause Cirrus turned her head, not all the way back, but to the side enough for you to see her bright blue, glowing eyes through the lenses of her mask.

"Why don't you talk to him about it?" Cirrus asked, making Cumulus perk up, Sunshine listening in from the front of you all.

You shot a look right, over to the wind ghoulette that had spoken, "What?"

She stopped, making you almost bump into her. Her sudden halt made the other ghoulettes stop and turn. The guys had fully made their ways back to the dressing room, leaving the four of you alone in the empty hallway.

"Cirrus means you being in love with Dewdrop! She pointed it out and I also see it! In your eyes and posture," the excited Cumulus spoke, clutching the stem of her rose though she had forgotten about plucking at the petals all together.

You widened your eyes, backing your footing in surprise, "I'm not in love- if- if anything it's a stupid crush. How do you even-"

"You can see it all over you. You get tense when he is near you, and when he's not, you don't relax, you slump."

Sunshine nudged the air ghoulette, who was currently getting heated, "Lay off Cirr, it's not her fault."

"Well, watching it is a bit painful. Especially when he's just as oblivious as you are," she spoke, condescending as ever. It was hard for to think of a time where she wasn't.

You looked away from her before quickly returning your eyes. You were at a loss for words; so you did was you do best and you scrambled for something that would help your point. Or at least keep your mouth running enough to distract her.

"Well- It's uh- it's a good think he doesn't know then, because I would probably be back serving Lucy down below," you cracked a smiled at the nickname you gave the devil. Cirrus always hated how disrespectful it was, you thought it might break some tension if she shifted to that.

Her clenched jaw relaxed, making her close her eyes and inhale deeply. Opening them, you saw the faint light of her original blue, "If only you knew that Satan isn't your nightmare in this; it is yourself."

And she turned, walking away with long strides.

Cumulus and Sunshine stood there, frozen. They never liked Cirrus' attitude, it kept them tense, wondering if this would be the day that one of the ghouls finally killed another. But, I guess being able to put riddle and rhyme into her words made her calmer, because when she turned around to beckon the girls over to her, she flashed a smile at you.

They walked with her and you just let them go, following with small steps behind them, head kept leaning down.

"It is yourself."

Her words vibrated through your mind with the same venom as when she spoke them. What did she mean yourself? How could you possibly be in the wrong in this situation? Did she mean you lov- liking Dewdrop? - because maybe that was wrong of you, but how could you really fix that?

You'd tried staying away, but he always found you, hugging you against him so tight you smelled of him till you showered that night. You couldn't tell him straight out that you didn't wanna speak to him cause you liked him, then he'd get mad for you pushing him away and for liking him.

"...yourself."

You shook off those thoughts, but you wouldn't have been thinking them for long anyways, not when you felt something collide with your head. You fell back on your ass in a dazed haze, mask now crooked on your face. And as you looked up, you saw the exact person you wanted to get away from.

He laughed out loud, shoulders shaking, "I thought that you saw me and that's why you didn't stop."

You offered up a smile and a false laugh, "Yeah, I'm sorry- I- don't know where my head is right now."

His laughter faded, seeing you sitting there, hardly raising your lips to attempt at convincing him you were happy. He let a frown take over his face, and you felt a pang of guilt run through your blood.

Dewdrop held out his hand, watching you with a softened gaze, one you'd never seen from him. His human glamour hid his emotions more than his ghoul form, but seeing him show a pinch of a meaningful look settled something inside of you.

You took his hand, allowing him to pull you to your feet. Brushing off the back of your pants, you then looked up, seeing him watch you closely. You tilted your head to the side, "What? Is there something on my mask?"

Dewdrop shook his head, hands reaching up and holding the sides of your mask before pulling it off of you. You reached up, taking your hair out of it's pony and shuffling it around. Dewdrop shifted the helmet to rest in the crook of his left arm.

"You know, you're prettier without all that human facade," he mentioned, curling a hair behind your ear.

As much as Dewdrop could hide under his disguise, your expressions bled through. Your lips parted, looking at him like he was the only thing that existed. And he saw it. He saw the way your face seemed to fall in adoration, the way you looked at him with all the love in the world.

And he smiled.

It was fake. It was a faked smile. Dewdrop would hate you, he would hate you for your thoughts, for the way you truly looked at him, for the aching in your hands to reach out and touch him.

"Is there a reason why you knocked me over?" you asked, trying to find something that would keep you from the way that you blushed profusely.

Dewdrop opened his mouth, thinking for a moment before speaking, "Ah, yes, I came here to see if you wanted to go out to dinner with all of us? Papa's getting hotel rooms, he said we need a break."

You nodded, letting a genuine smile creep onto your face, "Yeah, I just need to, ya'know, get ready."

Dew moved to the side, letting you past. He waited for you before walking behind you, steps heavy to your ears. He was behind you, and you felt your spine tingle with the knowledge that, for what you knew, you were the only thing he could keep his eyes on.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked. You slowed to a stop, waiting for him to catch up next to you. You really didn't wanna look him in the eyes, not after the possibility that he saw how in lo- how much you liked him.

He flicked his hair over his shoulder, as if it blocked him from hearing you. It uncovered his face, sculpted in pure beauty. Don't look at him.

You hummed in affirmation, but that wasn't enough for him. Dewdrop grabbed your arm with a tight grip and pulled you back to look at him. He was angry, very angry. You felt the air around you heat, and you could see the color of his humanoid form starting to turn into splotches of his normal color. He was losing too much energy from his anger, it was was showing through his glamour. The air around his horns shifted in the light, glimpses of short, dark horns showing through.

And his eyes. They were bright as a star, begging you to look into them. And you complied, watching his anger spoil his disguise slowly.

"Tell me what is wrong," he hissed through gritted teeth, sharp fangs flicking in and out of reality.

You felt your resolve fall, and you let your heart stand proud, words flying out of your mouth;

"Can you stop pretending you love me for one minute!?"

Dewdrop stared down at you with a snarl. But his lip relaxed and dropped to the other, and his skin started to settle into it's pale, fake color. His hold on your arm loosened.

"What do you mean pretending? I don't have to pretend," he spoke, voice hurt in a way, "Can you stop pushing me away?"

He took your face in his hands, holding you a soft as possible. There was a moment he gave you, one where you were free to pull away, to stomp back to your dressing room.

But you didn't, you stayed there, face in his hands. And you let your core go, tears rushing out of your eyes in mere seconds. And Sodo watched the whole time, letting you cry into his touch.

He knew he loved you truly in that moment. The moment where you broke yourself, all against the battle handed to you by your own self-consciousness.

His lips touched your forehead, and you cried even harder.

•--•

Masterlist

[hypersomniagame]

HYPERSOMNIA JULY DEV LOG : “LIKE MOTHER LIKE SON”

Yeah baby, none of that "If you're new here" stuff anymore! This is dev log #6! If you're new here read anyways, because if you're reading this you probably know what HYPERSOMNIA is. If not though, then welcome! Let me show you what I've been working on this month!

BUT BEFORE THAT!

If you didn't know, the MOTHER DIRECT is TOMORROW! (Which is why I'm writing this on Friday instead of Saturday)

HYPERSOMNIA will be there! We released a trailer teaser that you can watch right now, and the full trailer will be a part of the direct premiering at 6PM ET!

If you are a content creator, I ask as an indie developer to please talk about the indies and don't just skip over them. I'm not asking this because I want you to talk about my game, but just please talk about the indies because they deserve your attention. Just because you're not familiar with these games doesn't mean they're not worth looking into. If theres an indie game in this direct or in general that catches your attention please talk about it, because it's incredibly valuable to people trying to find an audience.

TALK ABOUT INDIES!

Now, back to your regularly scheduled indie games:

So, what have you been up to Ferris? I'll show ya!

First off, I've been working on designing enemies for the demo! Now I've realized over the last month that I am really really weak at designing common enemies. Trying to avoid RPG tropes and weak/overused ideas and jokes is tough because it means I can't really bullshit like 50 enemies and call it a day, each enemy takes a long time and needs a strong idea, sometimes it'll take me multiple days to come up with good ideas!

I came up with these two recently, and I think they're good examples of my thought process for designing enemies.

HYPERSOMNIA's enemies revolve around a paranormal theme. It's an aspect of the first MOTHER that I missed in MOTHER 2 and 3, which inspired HYPERSOMNIA to lean into it so much.

I try to also keep some sense of comedy in my designs, HYPERSOMNIA has paranormal aspects and it has serious moments, but I try not to mix the two with common enemies because I just don't think it'd make a very interesting enemy roster. Could you imagine an EarthBound inspired game with enemies like actual demons from hell or serial killers? It's something I would've written in 7th grade, like the most basic bait-and-switch you could ever see from any media.

I also put together a flowchart while talking with my partner about enemy designs, they weren't exactly on the same page as me while thinking of ideas so I made this to illustrate my thought process for an idea.

It really helps me narrow ideas that I think would work for the game. It isn't exact, so don't look at it like some sort of design bible, but it's more a general guideline.

I also got around to spriting that cow enemy. My friend suggested the name Moo-F-O which I liked better than the names I was thinking of.

I'll probably get around to spriting that TV enemy after I finish writing.

As the next "Thing I Did This Month", you may have noticed that Katz's coat is a different color!

I made this change while redoing her sprites. I was dissatisfied with how her black coat blends into the game's brown outlines so I decided on giving her a brown coat instead. It also helps her stand out a bit against Iggy, who also has a black coat.

I've also recently been working on some concept art, I've talked before about how I don't like Ross' special attack sprite, so I've been trying to come up with a better pose

I tried hard to make that pose he has in the original work because I think it looks cool but I just found that the pose on the right was easier for me to draw.

I've also been thinking of giving Debra a new starter weapon, initially she had a pan but I figured I should find something else for her, I don't like how similar it is to Ana and Paula from MOTHER. I'm still on the fence about it, so if I don't write about her having a new weapon next month then I'm still thinking about it.

And other then that, that's all I've really done this month! It's not much but I feel its more interesting then the last few months. I've had a lot going on in my life, and early in august I'll be moving out. Hopefully I'll be able to settle quick, because for August I'll probably mostly be taking a break.

I usually do take a break after a trailer comes out, so you'll definitely hear from me next month but we'll see if I have things to talk about. Until next time! And don't forget to watch the MOTHER DIRECT, live at 6pm ET!

If this is your first log you’re reading, or even your first time seeing ANYTHING relating to HYPERSOMNIA, I got a whole bunch of links for you to check out if you wanna know more about me and my stupid little game.

TWITTER

YOUTUBE

STEAM

UNIQUE INDIE RPG’S [SHOW US YOUR GAME!]

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[halfthebrain]

Tumblr search isn't working for me but I wanted to know your thoughts on about the kiss™ scene between harvey and d/nna💀 I was searching through the suits tag on your profile and very few posts could be seen 😭 I'm sorry if you've answered before

Hi anon 👋

Ehhhhh so I have my more or less rational thoughts on it and my irrational feelings.

My rational thoughts are: he was still dating Paula at the time and why would the show make Harvey do that when it’s on record multiple times that he despises infidelity? But I guess they tried to make Donna “the one”. The special woman he throws all of his morals out the window for. But then my question is: why didn’t he do it from the beginning then if Donna was so special? It all just senselessly and unnecessarily messy. I will never understand why Donna kissed him either. What was the point?

My simple feelings on the matter is: yikes and ew.

And I know you didn’t ask this but to me Donna and Harvey are a ragtag sibling duo who care for each other very deeply, through thick and thin. They had potential to be a duo that was engaging to watch because their relationship was platonic. Now it’s yet another pairing where the woman pines for the man for literal years while also lying to herself that she’s so not in love with this man (even tho Donna is supposed to be so intuitive and good at reading emotions). Personally, to me Darvey is a let down. Donna deserved better than to have stuck to Harvey because apparently this whole time she was in love with him after all. And they made her look like an idiot lying to herself about her feelings for him. Which just makes me a little furious because I liked Donna… alas.

All of this for an idiot man who hired a fraud and made them all complicit.

[mariacallous]

I can predict with safety that the prosecution of 700 innocent postmasters and mistresses will be remembered for decades.

It was not just that when the Post Office jailed employees and drove them to suicide it presided over one of the gravest miscarriages of justice in modern British history.

It is that the injustice will be remembered far beyond the UK. The technology said the postal workers were guilty of stealing from their tills, and everyone – judges, juries, police officers and government ministers – believed the faulty software rather than innocent men and women.

As facial recognition technologies take over police work and AI determines job prospects, the story of how the Post Office computers got it wrong will be a part of 21st century folklore.

But this terrible scandal deserves to be remembered for one other reason: the attitude of managers, who did not for a moment think there was something wrong in believing that hundreds of their colleagues were criminals.   

The notion that the accusations must be flawed because the scale of the alleged fraud and the numbers of suspects beggared belief never occurred to them. They justified their salaries and bonuses as a legitimate reward for presiding over underlings who were no better than common criminals.

Chris Dillow, the author of the Stumbling and Mumbling economics blog, is one of the best critics of the managerialist ideology that drove the Post Office scandal. You can listen to my Lowdown interview with him via the links above.

I thought it would be worth going through the evidence we discuss on the show as we look at the dictatorial attitude of so many managers.

We are not making an argument for anarchism. Successful organisations have successful managers.

They tend to be modest managers who understand that it is impossible for the people at the top of complex organisations to know all they need to know.  They have genuine consultations with their staff to fill the gaps in the knowledge. They do not behave like dictators by insisting on subservience and by refusing to allow criticism.

However many managers, perhaps most managers, are not like that. And here is the main reason.

They have been imbued with the ideology of managerialism, which holds that organizations in the public and private sector can be run from the top down by an elite of experts.

Instead of valuing specific knowledge about a company or organisation they believe in a generalist skill of “management”; and that a managerial elite can move from company to company, public body to public body, without losing effectiveness.

In place of specific, practical knowledge about the institutions they are meant to control, they offer “visions” and demand obedience.

Paula Vennells, was the chief executive of the Post Office as the number of false imprisonments rocketed.  She had not spent a working lifetime getting to know her colleagues. She had flitted between  Unilever, L'Oréal, Dixons Retail, Argos, Whitbread, the Cabinet Office and the Anglican Church.

If the people at the top of organisations cannot know all they need to know, and if their subordinates know they must suck up to the boss and tell him what he wants to hear rather than what he needs to hear, then you have miniature versions of Vladimir Putin’s Russia where no one dares contradict the big boss.

The type of people who thrive in these conditions are, frankly, psychopaths. By which I do not mean mass murderers but egomaniacs with no capacity for empathy or remorse.

According to a study dating back to 2010, there were at least three times as many psychopaths in executive or CEO roles than in the overall population. More recent data estimated that psychopaths filled 20 percent of executive posts

The Dutch management scholar and psychoanalyst Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries described managers who were

“Outwardly normal, apparently successful and charming, [but] their inner lack of empathy, shame, guilt, or remorse, has serious interpersonal repercussions, and can destroy organizations. Their great adaptive qualities mean they often reach top executive positions, especially in organizations that appreciate impression management, corporate gamesmanship, risk taking, coolness under pressure, domination, competitiveness, and assertiveness. The ease with which [they] rise to the top raises the question whether the design of some organizations makes them a natural home for psychopathic individuals.”

Shareholders may think that psychopath bosses will benefit them by keeping the profits flowing. As one business theorist put it in 2022

“Being a CEO or in a position of true power requires certain skills and abilities that psychopaths exhibit with ease. Making objective, clinical decisions entirely void of emotion, planning meticulously and in great detail, being patient, restless and confident, having a need to be in control… are all characteristics that psychopaths and prominent leaders share.”

And it is true that I have never heard of a CEO or head of HR refusing to fire subordinates because they could not bring themselves to ruin the lives of people less fortunate than themselves.

For all the talk about woke corporations and management diversity and inclusion initiatives, when it comes to mass sackings the new boss is much the same as the old boss. And you can see why that might please the shareholders.

Chris Dillow explains it thus

“People who are unusually concerned with status and power are precisely those who aim for the top of hierarchies (whereas many others of us just want to get on with our jobs), and psychopaths' superficial charm and fluency appeals to hirers. As David Allen Green says, "the likes of Paula Vennells are always with us and will always somehow obtain senior positions." This is consistent with a finding by Luigi Zingales and colleagues, that a lot more corporate fraud occurs than is actually detected. What's more, companies also select for over-confidence as they mistake ‘competence cues’ - the right body language or the illusion of knowledge - for actual ability. (All this might also apply to politics).”

You might think shareholders have nothing to complain about because vicious management protects dividends. But, as I have seen happen many times in the media, brutal managers can destroy businesses.

Chris explained the tension

“Often a company needs to cut costs and a psychopath who doesn't care about making people redundant, might be better at cutting costs than someone who's more empathetic. On other hand, we know that, psychopathic tendencies, can be very corrosive to an organization because it leads to managers who don't listen, managers who are so determined to make cuts to their organization that they end up cutting not just the fat, as they like to think, but, but cutting the meat and the muscle as well.”

If you listen to the podcast, you will hear a long discussion on why checks and balances don’t work. In theory shareholders are in control. In practice, as economists have recognised since the 19th century, they do not have day to day power. Managers can enrich themselves and follow disastrous policies without being stopped.

In the case of the Post Office, all checks and balances failed including, and most ominously, the checks of the legal system.

Dismal though that picture is, I will not end with it. One point that is not made often enough is that today’s full employment in the UK and the US is freeing workers. People who are stuck in terrible organisations with psycho bosses can just walk out and w​alk into other jobs.

Full employment is not high up on progressive wish lists. But for millions it is a liberation.

[straightplayshowdown]

Angels in America: In the first part, we meet Louis and Prior and Harper and Joe, two couples whose relationships are on the rocks: the former because of Prior’s AIDS diagnosis and Louis’s inability to cope with illness, the latter because of Joe’s closeted homosexuality and Harper’s incessant fears and hallucinations, as well as her addiction to pain-killers. The second part focuses on the story of Prior Walter, a gay man living with AIDS who has recently been left by his partner, Louis, after he could not cope with the physical and personal impact of the disease.

The Baltimore Waltz: In a series of comic vignettes underlined by tragedy, the farce traces the European odyssey of sister and brother Anna and Carl. They are in search of hedonistic pleasure and a cure for her terminal illness, the fictitious ATD (Acquired Toilet Disease) she contracted by using the bathrooms at the elementary school where she teaches. Knowing her life is nearing its end, Anna is driven by a lust that compels her to have casual sex with as many men as possible during their travels, a passion shared by her gay brother. Assisting the pair is the mysterious Third Man. The play actually takes place in a hospital room in Baltimore, Maryland, where Carl has a terminal illness, and Anna is imagining the trip that the two never took.

Propaganda under the cut!

Angels in America:

painful funny surreal and down to earth all at the same time somehow, even without being a landmark piece for me personally w/ regard to queer literature

The Great American Play. The definitive exploration of how AIDS affected an entire generation of queer Americans in the '80s, and what it left behind in its wake. Those more eloquent than I am will be better at doing this play justice, but my sincerest hope is that the sheer significance of this work is clear enough to carry it all the way through to the highest end of this showdown.

honestly the peak of modern theater 2 me. everything i write and create is in the hopes that i might someday make something that lives up to the bar that angels set. it treats every one of its characters with such depth and compassion and the world it creates is so vivid and fantastic. and the context in which it was created will always be beyond important to me like i don't know how to describe how important it is that a play widely considered an american classic is about the aids crisis. she's the blueprint she's perfect she's everything

genuinely changed my life when i first read it. andrew garfield played prior walter in the 2018 national theatre version and he fucking kills it. it's 6 whole hours of joy and heartbreak and, most of all, hope. stan harper pitt!!!

This epic stageplay has become more accessible since its HBO miniseries adaptation in 2003. It is epic, intersectional, commemorative of a collective trauma that had been silenced for too long at the time of writing. (also Harper deserves to be as much a Tumblr Sad Girl icon as Lana del Rey or Sylvia Plath.) 

The Baltimore Waltz:

Paula Vogel's brother died of AIDs. A few years before being diagnosed, he tried to get her to go on a trip to Europe with him, but she was busy. This play explores that imagined trip, but it also a lot more complicated.

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter forty eight

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters // read on AO3

TW FOR THIS CHAPTER: BLOOD, VOMITING

january 25, 2019 madrid, spain calum

It’s my first birthday with Orion where she doesn’t wake up before me. Usually she will get a bunch of cheap balloons from Party City to cover the bedroom ceiling and will wake me up with coffee and the weight of her body on top of mine. I’ve never liked my birthday, but my birthday with Orion in my life has always been so special. She usually lets us spend the day with just the two of us, but then she plans a chill celebration with our friends on the beach, with a fire and guitars and nothing fancy. Every birthday with Orion has been perfect.

Now, it’s likely my last birthday with Orion.

She doesn’t wake up before me today, and I didn’t expect her to, but it’s just another gutwrenching reminder of just how different things are now. It’s a reminder of how little time I have left.

While she sleeps beside me, I just look at her. Her face is so hollow now, with permanently purple bags sunken in under her eyes. Her hair is a mess, most of it falling out of the satin scrunchie she sleeps in. She’s bundled in layers of the blankets that I had the hotel bring her extras of, and she’s also wearing two of my sweatshirts underneath all of the other layers of fabric. 

I know she’s trying to pretend like she’s okay, and that she doesn’t feel sick, but I know that she does. It hurts to watch her pretend that everything is fine when it is so clearly not, but Paula and I confirmed with Emelia that we have to let her do this how she wants. As long as she’s still able to communicate how she’s doing, I have to let her continue to feel miserable but pretend that she’s completely fine. 

We’re about to spend the whole morning in the car and then we’ll spend a bit of time on the beach in Valencia. Knowing that she will want to take a shower too, I go ahead and take mine so I can get our stuff ready while she takes hers.

I spend the whole time under the hot water crying.

How can this be it? How can this be my last birthday with her? Why does Orion, the most thoughtful and sweet and kind human that I have ever met, have to stop existing so soon? She doesn’t deserve this fate. Orion doesn’t deserve this hand of cards.

No one does. 

Like Orion, I have to pretend like everything is fine. I can’t show her how much this is hurting me, because that will only make her feel worse. After everything, I can’t let her see my soul get darker with each day that she continues to feel horrible… each day that she continues dying. 

I used to think that we are all dying every day. Each day we live leads us closer to our death. After witnessing Orion and pieces of her battle with cancer, I don’t believe that anymore. I’m living every day. Ashton is living every day. Emelia is living every day. Luke and Michael and Paula and Roy and Mali and everyone we know: they are all living every day. 

Orion is dying every day.

It hurts. I wish I could take this from her. I wish it was me. I don’t need to be here. She does. Orion deserves to be here. Orion is the closest thing to perfect that I’ve ever seen. How is it right that she’s the one that’s leaving this earth so soon? 

I miss her already and she’s still here. How can I live the rest of this life without her? Once she’s gone, how am I supposed to be fine?

She’s still here and I barely know how to be fine. 

I shut off the water and wrap a towel around my waist, headed straight for my suitcase to grab clothes, but, shockingly, Orion is perched on the edge of the bed. 

Her hair is redone into a messy knot on top of her head. She’s nearly swimming in my sweatshirts and her sweatpants that used to fit her waist but now have the drawstrings tied so tightly that they dangle to her knees. She still looks tired. She’s so tired, but she’s awake and waiting for me with the biggest smile I think she can manage while feeling like this. 

“Happy birthday,” she says. Her voice is quiet and barely sounds like the Orion who wished me a happy birthday last year, but it’s hers. This is what’s left of her.

It twists a knife into my stomach. 

I smile back at her, trying to mask the way that it hurts to hear and see her like this.

“Thank you, my love.” I cross the space between us and bend down, pressing my lips to hers. I feel her smile against me and I feel myself lighten up just a little bit. She makes me so happy.

When there are a few inches of space between us again, I see that she’s still smiling. This time, it’s a little closer to the smile that I fell in love with. 

“Look at you in just a little flimsy hotel towel,” she says, giggling. Her eyes rake up and down my nearly naked body and I gulp while my face heats up. 

I don’t know why it makes me nervous. We’ve been together, bar a few months, for over two and a half years. We’ve been naked together more times than I can count, but suddenly, under her eyes right now, it almost feels like the first time. 

“Eyes up here, miss,” I tell her, grabbing her chin and tilting her head up. Her smile gets even bigger and her eyes have more light in them than I’ve seen in a while.

“Sorry, just enjoying the view.” 

She leans forward, kissing me again while wrapping her arms around me, pulling me down to the bed with her. 

“Wanna take another shower?” She asks. Her fingers trail up and down my arm, raising goosebumps in their wake.

My heart hammers. “I don’t… uh, can you? Can we?” We’ve only tried to have sex a few times since we got back from tour. The first couple were successful, with Orion getting pretty tired pretty quickly, but the most recent attempt, about a month ago, she nearly passed out in the middle of it, despite me trying to be as slow and gentle as possible. We haven’t tried since.

Orion laughs. “Just a shower, Cal.”

I clear my throat and nod. “Oh.”

She tenses up and lifts her head. “I mean, I can try to—”

My sweet girl. 

“No, no, no, baby, it’s completely fine. Seriously. You just caught me off guard. I would love to take another shower with you.” 

That’s the last thing I say before I jump out of the bed and carefully pick her up, scurrying back to the bathroom to take yet another shower with the most perfect girl, her laughter filling the room.

When we’ve both showered, I help Orion get dressed before she sits down on the couch to rest again. I gather what we need for the night — a blanket for the beach, a change of clothes, an extra hoodie for O, a beanie for both of us, and our toiletries — and toss it into my backpack. Once it’s packed, I go down to the lobby to grab breakfast for the two of us to eat in the car.

After I’ve done all of my to do list, we’re ready to hit the road. Orion curls up into a ball in the passenger seat with the blanket already draped over her lap while I start to route to our hotel in Valencia. 

“Do you need me to stay awake to help navigate? Or do you think you’ve got it?” She asks, following her words with a loud yawn. 

If I didn’t know that she needs to rest in order to be able to enjoy the day at all, I’d ask her to stay awake and help. The GPS might be in English, but all of the road signs and city names are in Spanish and she knows that far better than I do. I want her to be awake and rested when we actually get there.

I rest my hand on her knee. “Go ahead and sleep. If I get too far off track I’ll wake you up. Deal?”

She smiles and nods. “Okay, don’t get too lost. Just wake me up if you need help.”

Waking up Orion these days isn’t easy at all, but I don’t remind her of that and just let her slide her beanie over her eyes and fall asleep next to me. Worst case scenario we get there a little later than we planned, but I’d rather that than she be too tired to even sit on the beach this afternoon.

The drive ends up being fine. Orion wakes up about thirty minutes out from the hotel, which is helpful for getting there from the highway and when we get to the valet. She speaks her Spanish differently than I feel like she used to, but I don’t know what’s different. I think it’s slower, and she has a look of deep thought each time she has to listen to someone else. 

We get up to our room for the night and Orion excuses herself to the bathroom, so I check my phone notifications. To my surprise, she tagged me in an Instagram post.

Since going public, she hasn’t posted much, but since we’ve been in Spain, she has been posting pictures of Paula, Lucia, Marta, sunsets, the view from our hotel room, and of random graffiti she sees that she likes the colors on. Nothing that she’s posted has had any piece of me other than my hand, shoulder, or the back of my head. 

Until this post, apparently.

It’s a picture of me driving that I don’t know when she managed to sneak, with a black and white filter on it. She always makes any birthday post black and white, regardless of who it’s for. 

orionseraphina: happiest birthday to my best friend, the only person i want to wake up next to, the one i can’t live without… todo mi corazón. happy 23rd. you are my greatest gift.

Tears are in my eyes as I read the outpouring of love in her comments. Word got out a few weeks ago about her diagnosis. Someone managed to leak a private medical document and then Orion took to Twitter to confirm the news. I haven’t seen a single negative comment about her since, and I’ve looked. 

Most of the fans are just wishing me a happy birthday, too, but some are telling her to enjoy the day with me, and those are the ones that make tears form. This birthday really isn’t about me. This birthday is about being with her. 

I could break down sobbing if I think too hard about her not being here a year from now. 

Orion coughing in the bathroom makes me look up from my phone. I hurry to the door and knock on it. Since she’s lost so much weight and been having general health problems, our dynamic with knocking versus not knocking has changed. We used to just walk in whenever either of us was in a room. There was never anything to hide or anything too gross for the other to see, but she’s felt really self conscious lately, so I’ve started to knock before I enter.

“Are you okay?” I ask when she doesn’t answer.

She coughs again and then flushes. “Yeah! Fine, sorry, it’s dusty in here.”

Orion is lying.

I debate calling her out, but just shake the thought from my head. 

She opens the door and grins at me. “Ready for the beach?” 

“Sure, let’s go.”

I intentionally chose a hotel on the beach because I knew that was our main point of this brief excursion outside of Madrid. I knew Orion would be tired and being able to go back to the hotel easily to lay down or warm back up in the middle of winter is something I kept in mind. 

It’s the off season, so it’s nearly empty on the beach when we get down to it. While they have beach loungers available, Orion always prefers laying on a blanket or a towel, so we walk down to a few feet beyond where the tide reaches and I set it up for us. She lays down on her back as soon as she can, her eyes closed while the sun washes over her. 

“Did we come all this way for you to just take a nap on the beach?” I tease. I lay down next to her, giving her space, but taking reaching into the pocket on her hoodie and grabbing onto one of her hands. 

“You’re the one who booked the trip to Spain, Cal, not me.” 

I laugh. “Fair.” 

She opens one of her eyes to peer over at me, her face scrunched up as she squints under the brightness of the sun. “I love you.”

“I love you more, O.” 

Orion sticks her tongue out at me. She closes her eyes again and sighs, relaxing further into the sand. 

I do the same, sinking into the cool sand and feeling the sea breeze whip around us. The waves crash in the distance, but aside from that, it’s practically silent. There are no voices, no cars, no music. It’s just us, enjoying the peace and each other’s company. The beach — any beach — with Orion is my favorite place on the planet. Right now, everything feels normal, even if just for a moment.

The peace is instantly ripped away from us when Orion starts coughing next to me.

Acting quickly, I sit up, while she keeps coughing loudly. She’s wheezing, with labored breathing. I help her sit, not saying anything, but rubbing her back gently while she tries to catch her breath. When she makes eye contact with me, I see the panic in her eyes. She can’t breathe.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay,” I tell her. I don’t know if it’s true, but I don’t need her to stress herself out more to make it worse. 

Her face is getting paler while she takes short inhalations that sound like they get caught in her throat. Orion keeps coughing and trying to give herself enough oxygen to breathe normally, while I look around to see if there’s anyone I could flag for help. There’s nobody around. 

Even more suddenly than the coughing started, Orion leans over, away from me, and throws up.

I try not to freak out when I watch blood drip from her lips.

She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and looks at me. She’s still panicking and scared. Her breathing gets better, but it’s still labored and doesn’t sound good. When she starts coughing again, her eyes start to tear up.

“You’re okay, love,” I assure her. I stand up, throwing my backpack over my shoulders before I bend over and scoop her up.

I have to act quickly. I at least need to get her to some kind of doctor. She can’t breathe and she just threw up blood. Her face is as white as a sheet. There’s no time for me to panic. I have to take care of her, and if I start acting scared, it will only make things worse for her, but god am I scared. 

When I get her into the lobby, the concierge is thankfully fluent in English.

“Is everything all right, Mr. Hood?” She asks, but I watch her neutral expression change to panicked as she looks down at Orion.

“Can you call us an ambulance?” I ask her.

She nods and grabs her phone, quickly dialing 112 and pressing the phone to her ear. While she does that, I place Orion on one of the leather couches in the lobby. I don’t listen to the concierge since I know I won’t be able to understand her. 

“Call Paula,” Orion says between her shaky breaths. 

I nod, and pull out my phone. I use my left hand to hold onto Orion’s, but she barely holds mine back. She looks like she could pass out at any time. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Paula’s voice sounds through my phone’s speaker.

“Hey, we are about to get into an ambulance. Hoping you can help translate when we get in.” 

“What? Oh my god, what happened?”

I glance nervously at Orion. Her breathing is starting to slow, but her eyes are barely half open. I really don’t want her to pass out. I don’t know what’s been going on with her. She’s been hiding everything from me. I won’t be able to answer any of their questions. 

“She’s having trouble breathing,” I say. “And she, uh, she… threw up blood on the beach.” 

Orion opens her eyes a bit so I can see them. She’s trying not to cry. Amidst all of this, she feels bad. I squeeze her hand. 

“I’ve done it four times before,” Orion says with a voice that I wouldn’t be able to hear if I was any further away from her. “First at the botanical garden.” 

I close my eyes and throw my head back. I want to yell at her and ask why she didn’t say anything, but that doesn’t matter right now. “She said this is the fifth time. The first time was at the botanical garden.”

Paula curses in Spanish on the other side of the line. “Okay, I’ll tell them.” 

Paramedics suddenly rush in and I put Paula on speaker phone. They have a gurney and come straight for Orion. I think it’s obvious that she needs help. 

“They’re here, let me hand you over,” I say. Helplessly, when they start speaking in Spanish to me, I just shrug and hand them my phone so Paula can speak. 

I have to let go of Orion’s hand while they help her onto the gurney and strap her in. I feel useless. I can’t even talk to the EMTs and explain anything. I can’t make Orion feel any better. For a second, I’m frozen, watching it all happen. I’m forced to wake the hell up when my girlfriend moves her head to the side of the gurney to vomit more blood over the side of it. 

“Novio?” One of the EMTs asks me.

Thank god I know that word.

“Si, novio.” 

“Vamanos,” he says, and I nod, following him to the ambulance. 

While we ride to the hospital, I watch Orion continue to struggle breathing, coughing, gagging, and barely able to stay conscious. 

What have I done?

[bibi-likes-to-draw]

Come on! Paula deserves so much better D:<

[chidoroki]

182 Days of TPN - Day 121

Chapter 121: "Isn't This Great"

It's kinda scary how they're so excited about violence and destroying this world, like I know y'all have experienced harsh times here and just wanna live in peace but damn.

When someone as logical as Ray starts to believe in the new plan then you know it's gotta be a more optimal strategy. The Seven Walls is a big bag of surprises on its own anyway so they're not entirely wrong to be skeptical about it either.

I know they're worried for Emma and it's very sweet that they see Norman's plan as a way for her to finally relax after everything she's done for them up to this point, but it's not like she's been doing absolutely everything on her own either. Yeah everyone is following her as their leader, but the whole family is supporting one another as well, whether it's proving food, safety, healthcare or assisting with gathering information about the human world, WM, the Seven Walls, etc.

And yet something about their praise towards Norman kinda bothers me, or at least the timing of it and how they word it. Everyone was just saying how Emma was doing so much for them but now with Norman here, he's gonna do even better "this time for sure." Emma was already doubting her choices back during & after the shelter raid, do we gotta lead her down the same train of thought again? Our girl is doing her absolute best! It's not her fault a few people died while she was in charge.

Words can't express how glad and relieved I am that Ray notices her bluff.

It's such a tiny panel too but I'm glad the anime remembered to include it anyway. Very important for the upcoming chapters.

I love that we get a moment away from all the drama and just see the kiddos all excited as they explore paradise. They definitely deserve some luxury after the stressful trip they enduring to get here.

Affectionately blaming Tag because this is all I can think about whenever I see this panel of Norman.. I still dunno why I find it so funny to this day, but yeah.

It's beyond precious to see the trio play chess together again, even if Ray's acting like their parent. Deep down he knows he can't say no to them. Just give in, sweetie!

I hate this speech bubble so much! Let me see my boy's cute sleeping face!! He's probably feeling so safe and content around his two favorite people in the whole world, I'm certain he's got a big smile on his face as well.

Favorite panel/moment:

The younger kids are so cute when asking Norman which name he prefers. They wanna be so proper and don't wanna make him upset or annoyed by saying the wrong thing. It's so heartwarming to see him drop the facade around his family though.

And they're so relieved by it too! Just to have him act as their older brother again! (Ray actually imagining him as a giant is hilarious.)

Absolutely one of my favorite panels of this lad, not even solely because he's getting tackled and knocked down by so many kids but also with the happy look on everyone's faces.

And I especially love Anna, Sandy & Paula's reactions to finally seeing Norman; from the dramatic pause to their totally shocked expressions. Even Hayato is taken off guard as he's certainly never seen the boss act like this before. (it's a bit odd though because Paula was shown touring paradise with the others a couple pages ago so why is she suddenly surprised here? I know she and the other two were taking care of Chris & Dominic earlier and missed the initial reunion, but whatever.)

Don and I got that same mindset.

[exeggcute]

hello! you seem to know a lot about skincare stuff, so i'm curious what products you use for general daily use? i also have adult acne and it's very annoying. i would also appreciate any lip moisturizing ideas if you have any. thank you, and hope your day's going well!

oh yes! although fair warning that I am not a skincare expert at all (I don't even understand half the lingo that people use when they talk about products lol) so take any of my recommendations with a grain of salt...

other than sunscreen, literally all of the stuff I use is either from paula's choice, the ordinary, or good old cerave. I don't even bother trying other brands at this point because I assume they'll just be overpriced junk—plus, you can get almost all cerave products and a good chunk of the ordinary's products at, like, target. I'd also note that you don't need to (and really should not) go out and buy a million things at once; I have a pretty good arsenal at this point but it took me a couple years to build it up by trying one or two new products at a time and seeing what I like.

both paula's choice and the ordinary have "shop by concern" sections on their websites, so if you want actual targeted advice about what to try then I would definitely defer to them lol. but for some specific examples of what I like:

diehard fan of cerave face soaps. they have a foaming pump and a non-foaming pump, depending on whether your skin is more oily or more dry. I mostly use the latter, but since noelle uses the former I'll occasionally steal a pump of the foamy one if I'm having an oily streak lol.

likewise with cerave moisturizer, specifically for your body, but also works great on your face as a final skincare step. will not make you break out. however (important info incoming!!!) the pump lotion is far inferior to the giant tub of lotion—the pump stuff is just kind of watery and sad in comparison. get the tub. you deserve it.

the ordinary hyaluronic acid 2% serum is another "help I have dry skin but also acne" lifesaver. you can apply it directly to (damp!!!) skin or (wet!!!) hair or put a couple drops in your lotion for extra-moisturizing lotion. but it works by drawing outside moisture into your skin/hair, so make sure you're not applying it to dry skin/hair or it can backfire and actually dry you out.

paula's choice enriched calming toner = dry skin savior.

for acne specifically, paula's choice pore-reducing toner fucking rules. it's not harsh at all so you can use it as much as you want. pairs well with paula's 5% AHA exfoliant (which only use when I'm really flaky, since it is a little harsh, but you can temper it by applying lotion right after).

the ordinary azelaic acid 10% suspension is a little tingly, so I only use it when I'm actively breaking out (which tbf is often lol), but it's a great at starving out pimples.

from the paula's choice CLEAR line, I looooove the purifying clay mask. I use this one a couple times a week as needed, usually right after I get out of the shower, and then I'll wash it off and do the rest of my face potions as usual. even if my skin is pretty clear I just like how tight and clean everything feels after. I also recently tried the CLEAR 5% benzoyl peroxide daily skin clearing treatment (only because I got it as a free gift... otherwise I would Not have tried a benzoyl peroxide product lmao. bad memories of childhood acne treatment snake oil shit.) and was surprised how much I liked it, although I've been applying it verrry sparingly. the bottle recommends applying it (1) to your entire face and (2) EVERY DAY, but I've had luck using it as a sporadic spot treatment. pairs well with the enriched calming toner.

I've also been using this prescription tretinoin cream off and on for the past year (from the dubious skincare-as-a-service online pharmacy "forhers" lol) and it's Good but not a miracle. my skin is already pretty sensitive so I try not to use it that often, but it would probably work a lot better if it did. also makes you photosensitive as hell so watch out (sunscreen is a must).

specifically for lip moisturizer, nothing beats plain old burt's bees lip balm imo but if you need something heavy-duty I do like the paula's choice lip and body treatment balm. it's a little greasy but has great staying power and the tub lasts forever!

also important to note. you should always do stuff in this order: wash your face (duh) > toner > other stuff > lotion/moisturizer. I know you're supposed to do the "other stuff" in a specific order if you're stacking multiple products but tbh I just kind of wing it lol.

[fumikomiyasaki]

Wedding Batch number two coming in even if it took a bit longer cause of lack of motivation.

Melanie x Lennox @twsted-princess

Lennox for sure would have a beach wedding, he cut his hair cause it had trouble with his suit. He gave them both tons of shell accesoires he collected before the wedding and in all he is glad to embrace his sea princess on this merry day.

Sayoko x Sylva @sakuramidnight15

With Sylvas money they could get any wedding location Sayo desires... the dress was more goth inspired cause I think it would look wonderfull on her and they are kinda the Sun and moon couple with Sylva being a bundle of positive while Sayo is more insecure and drawn back so... I added the accesoires

Victoria x Yasuno @rosietrace

She deserved better lets be honest but at least Yasuno is honest if he says he will be loyal to the end to her... and do anything for her... she let herself get convinced to put on one Skull themed accesories to match but that was the most she would do. She still looks like a queen though.

Kordo x Paula @sparrow-20

Paula wanted to still be all dolled up in pink but she knew her giant husband wouldn't last long keeping the suit intact... she still loves how he looks right now and is just happy to share this day together.