#patiently waiting until i can do my reviews now u-u

[finniestoncrane]

ah fuckin hooray!!! my haul from @anadapta's etsy shop has arrived and i have spent the past ten minutes just looking at my things ;-;

their art is beautiul, so i indulged in almost everything to do with my sweet raisin man, hancock and i got the knifepoint horror comic book because that podcast is my beloved 💚

[mrs-monaghan]

https://youtu.be/lVkKLf4DCn8

What if jungkook's mv is like this. Then it would make sense to have sohee in his mv right?

But then they said it's a summer song. And it's shot in LA so this type of MV wouldn't make sense right?

What do you think the mv is gonna be like?

I think I'm just waiting patiently like a normal person. I think I'm excited to see JK's solo journey begin but that's about it. Everything else is just fucking noise to me.

Forgive me anon I promise I'm not taking this out on you I'm just fucking exhausted is all. Oh JK was almost molested, oh Jimin was definitely molested, Jikookers are becoming JK antis, tkkrs are tkking, solos are at each other's necks, ot7 are doing fuck all, Jimin is fucking Taemin, JK is fucking Mingyu, no he's with Lee something, no its the woman in his MV, JK is stealing Jimin's concept, tkkrs are leaving bad reviews about the book on amazon even if they haven't read it and ot7 are still doing fuck all.

I cannot wait until JK and V's albums entwine and tkkrs turn on JK, because they will, and then we'll see if ot7 will do something about them then.

You know what gets me? The reason people want seven to come out are filled with ulterior motives. This would all be okay if people were just excited to see JK's newest endeavour. Excited to make him chart and win all the awards. But no, people just want to see him fingering some woman on video because sure, that's something that would happen... just so they can imagine they're that woman, while the other half wants to shove that MV down our throats and say I told you so.

Now I also have my own ulterior motives. I cannot wait for the 14th so we can finally get this over with and move the fuck on. Oh, I'm sure there will be more fuckery to deal with, but at least it won't be this!

Oh, anon. About the Taylor swift song u sent. I too think that's what the MV is. She's in the song as an actress just acting... doing her thing. She might not even interact with JK inside the song. And explicit probably means lyrics. Loads of cursing just like his boyfriend before him 😁

This fandom sucks. The end.

[antialiasing]

Elysium Book Review: A Sacred and Terrible Air

Btw there is an English-language review of A Sacred and Terrible Air/Püha ja õudne lohn. I'm gonna put the synopsis of the book under the cut for convenience but this is a link to the review itself. It describes the plot of the book so there are spoilers. The book seems very surreal (much along the lines of Mieville, an author who greatly influenced Kurvitz) and difficult to describe.

If you're unfamiliar with the book, it's a novel written in Estonian by Robert Kurvitz, a founder of ZA/UM. It's set in the world of Elysium. It was published in 2013 and was set to be translated into English in 2020, but this hasn't happened and we have received no updates. It was a commercial failure but a critical success. It describes events that happen 20 years after the events of Disco Elysium.

If u dont want to read the whole thing, the gist is: there are two parallel narratives, one of children looking for their missing classmates, and one of two men conducting an investigation into it 20 years later. While this happens, the Pale begins to overtake everything and time itself begins to become...weird, until the world finally ends, the pale overtaking everything. The reviewer also states that one person returns from the Pale, but doesn't say who, not wanting to spoil it.

Now, for the synopsis:

On the day before the last of the summer break, four daughters of the education minister Ann-Margret Lund disappear on a public beach. A new ship with one thousand five hundred passengers vanishes on its first trip. Three classmates of the missing girls do not stop their search even after twenty years. The world comes to its end, but the hope to find Lund children is still alive.

The book starts slow, with two alternating realities, one of the crime itself, the girls' disappearance, and the second depicting grown-up men who meet again after twenty years to resume an investigation. The parallel lines go hand-in-hand, and there is not much to speculate about. The interesting thing happens when the story strays aside and multiplies to the level of surreal. Differences in time can be one day or one hundred fifty. Space pulsates, expanding to the whole fictional world and then deflating to a single car. Languages - Estonian, Swedish, Russian, Finnish - are shuffled like colors in Rubik's Cube. The stakes rise higher and higher until the slow, yet unstoppable greyness destroys the whole planet.

The central theme of the book is vanishment. Death means vanishment. To vanish means to die. One of the examples is the missing girls. They disappear and stay exceptionally in the minds of their grieving classmates. Nobody cares about them like they never existed. The greyness (similar to the wave in 'Far Rainbow' by Arkady and Boris Strugatsky) is the epitome of vanishment. Everything that it devours dies, if not instantly physically, then mentally.

The book is constructed as an RPG game. In the game, the main character moves, unaware of the upcoming dangers, thus creating a surrounding area map. Yet, in a sense, the map is still unreal, like the contorted figures in the twilight. Like the past and future compared to the right here and right now. The only reality lies in the eyes of the observer.

Communism vs. capitalism, vanishment vs. dizzy reality, and otherworldly Sweden vs. Estonian language. I'd recommend being patient and wait for the English edition. The book is much more than worth reading time.

The review author also left the following as a comment:

It is very likely that my Greyness will be translated as the Pale :) In the book, it dissolves people into protein chains, and nobody, except for one character (no spoilers!) could temporarily return from it. The theme of forgetting is the same, I think :)

[cornfarm]

summertime cicadas

saiki kusuo x reader

word count: 1.6k

synopsis: you go to saiki’s place to play some video games. saiki learns a bit about your dirty laundry.

cw: suggestions of past sexual abuse. it’s not explicitly stated but it’s heavily implied.

genre: fluff, hurt/comfort

reader is gender neutral!

===================================================

notes:

i’ve had this sitting in my drafts for a few weeks now, but i was never happy with it.

it’s implied that you and saiki are in week 2-4 of dating;;;

i have some other stuff in the works but im tired so notes r boring today

enjoy waaaaaa

===================================================

When Saiki and you were left alone together, the tension that hung in the air was fun and playful. Coy glances, the heart jittering brushes of skin, and the almost knowing smiles you two would shoot each other. This time around, it was heavy, and it weighed hefty on both your shoulders.

It was your first time over at his place since you had begun dating.

You had texted him: can i come over? i bought a new game i wanna play it with u

He was very happy you decided to make the first move, he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. 

Immediately, the “devlivered” at the corner of your text changed to “read”. He hastily typed back: Sure, let me know when you’re here. My parents aren’t home.

You saw letters on your screen, but you squinted your eyes shut upon them entering your field of vision. You had thrown your phone across the room, too nervous to look at his response. Tentatively picking it up, your heart nearly exploded at his words. You quickly respond: okay! be there soon :)

Saiki suddenly felt a bit on edge, realization finally striking him that you were about to be in his presence. In his bedroom. Alone. 

Saiki Kusuo never really felt things too intensely, so to feel it strike at his heart and stomach was almost a bit too much for his liking. 

Saiki wound up sitting patiently at the dining room table, using his telekensis to pick things up, rearrange ornaments and fine china, and clean up trash. The last thing he wants is you coming over when the place is a mess.

The doorbell rang, not that he needed it to know you were here. Beckoning you in, you pull out a small disc box from your bag. 

“I heard really good reviews from it. I was interested in it since I liked the art style but I wanted to wait until people played it and reviews came out before I committed.”

He takes it from your hands to inspect it, “I’m not super interested in recent games, I like older ones a bit more. Indie ones too. I’ve heard that the gameplay is really compelling.”

“That’s okay, we can still play together, right?” You almost look a bit nervous. Saiki gnawed at the inside of his lip.

“Sure,” you don’t look satisfied, “I don’t mind, doing things with you is nice.”

The content expression on your face satisfies him. You follow him upstairs.

Then the tension settles. You’re so close, the pleasant floral scent from your detergent lingering where you walk. He peers behind you as you take in his room: simple, clean, minimalistic. It’s painfully in character. You smile, flopping face down on his bed.

“I’ve only ever been here with everyone else, it was so lively then, but it’s so different when it’s quiet!” You situate yourself so you’re sitting at the edge of his bed, legs dangling off the side.

“It’s the same room.”

“Yeah but, now it’s just me and you.”

“I suppose so.”

You watch as he peers to the wall, a bit away from you.

“What, you’re not nervous are you? Do I make you, THE Saiki Kusuo nervous?”

He clicks his tongue, and begins stalking towards you. He stops right in front of you, shins nearly touching the mattress of his bed. He looks down, expression deadpanned like usual. Perhaps thats precisely why you got so flustered. Your hands coming to clasp politely in your lap, you look up at him, determined to hold eye contact.

“Mhm,” he smirks, “you do. What will you do about it?”

He watches as your lips part into a small ‘o’, before you turn your head down and begin to pout. He’ll spare you this time. The small proximity between you settles in; he should get out of here, nervousness is finally catching up, it’s a bit too much for him to handle. For such a cocky one-liner, he really can’t keep it together. He exits his room for a moment with a brief “wait here”.

He hears you let out a sigh down the hall. Taking the chance to inspect his belongings, you peer under his bed, nothing suspicious there, before making your way to his desk. There’s his computer, a nice leather desk chair, a lamp, and a small empty mug that holds pens, pencils, and highlighters. You thumb through them.

He re-enters his room, quietly opening the door, but just enough so where you hear. Outstreching his arm, he hands you a bottle of iced tea.

“This is,” inspecting the label, “you don’t usually drink these, right?”

Saiki stays quiet.

“So you got it for me? You remembered I liked it?” 

He nods.

You beam at him, mutter your gratitude, and pull out the games box.

Placing the disc onto the disc reader, and pushing it in, you start up the game, and watch the intro animation. 

“Yeah, the graphics are really nice,” he comments.

You adjust yourself, sitting on top a cushion on the floor, he moves a bit closer. 

Skipping though dialog, tutorials, and the first few levels of the game, Saiki controller finally begins responding. 

“I’m sorry, I thought the multiplayer feature would be available from the start.”

“It’s okay, you can pick first”

“Hmm...” you pause, brows furrowing in focus as you look through the different player avatar options. Finally, you turn to him and smile, “this one! Your turn.”

Saiki bites at the inside of his lip, again, moving his thumb over the joystick, he picks his avatar.

It’s nice, it’s quiet, the sound of cicada’s chirping outside his bedroom window, and the soft hum of his fan are gentle. Neither of you are talking about grand things like aspirations and inhibitions, but you didn’t have to. The soft, casual tone of conversation is something Saiki’s making sure to cherish. The game’s fun, Saiki is enjoying himself, he enjoys you. 

But tension still looms heavy overhead. You aren’t the only one who was thinking about it, how close you two were, how your elbows kept bumping, the small,and the way you both tried to get just a millimeter closer.

Saiki knew what you wanted, but he couldn’t pull himself to take initiative. Why? Was nervousness just another curse set out to plague him?

He’s reading your mind, he knows without a doubt you want to, so why is he so nervous to reach out and touch you? He wants to run away.

“Saiki?”

Your voice broke his thoughts, he turns to you. “Are you okay?”

He does it without thinking, slowly placing the controller down and putting his palms on your shoulders. 

“I’m just not used to this,” he finally says, “like, dating and all that.”

You wrap your fingers around his wrists, “that’s okay, I’ve never dated anyone either, we can just take it slow. We have time.” You reassure, “I’m nervous too,” voice smaller than before. He lifts his hands off, hovering them in front of you, debating on where he should put them. Should he put them back on your shoulders, or would that be weird? Maybe it’s okay if he takes your hands into his, but right now your hands are...

His vision finally focuses, and he looks at your hands, defensively positioned in front of your chest with your palms facing him. You’re looking at him with a half smile, but your brows are pursed down. You’re watching him very carefully.

Your thoughts still, pausing until he moves again, taking your hands in his own. He’s confused, why do you look so skittish?

You look visibily confused that he takes your hands. He’s granted one thought:

He’s not gonna do anything, see? He’s just holding my hands, that’s it. He’s not gonna do anything.

Do what? What do you mean? Do what?

“What do you mean?” He blurts out, voice ringing through your head.

Astonishment paints your face. Shit, you didn’t think you said anything out loud. Could he read your mind? He chooses not to say anything.

You shake your arms, he retracts his hands.

“I’ve just had bad experiences with people in the past, I got nervous, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

Oh. Your internal dialog isn’t as pleasant as the words you choose to say. 

“Maybe I’ll tell you about it more in the future,” you still have the strength to smile at him?

He reaches out to touch you again, but never connecting. He hesitates this time, fingers hovering over your forearm. 

“I’m not really interested in that sort of stuff. I wouldn’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you,” he corrects.

With a smile pained with melancholy, you shift yourself forward, wrapping your arms around his torso, burying your face into his shoulder, legs finding their way between his. He wastes no time wrapping his own arms around your back, pressing your chest closer to his own. Your hearts pound against each other, breathing syncing as you both exhale a sigh. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I know,” your voice is muffled. 

You stay like that for a few moments. Cicada’s chirping, fan blowing, there’s nothing to say- the silence is comforting in it’s own way.

You finally pull away from him, voice much brighter, “but I’m not ready to kiss you yet, I think my heart would explode!” He flushes red. Adjusting to sit back onto the cushion, you lean your weight onto his side. He tension has finally settled, and Saiki sighs contently. 

Saiki only uses his powers in ways to convinience himself. Fortunately, keeping you safe was more than convinient to him: it was the bare minimum- an absolute necessity. 

As soon as you leave, he’ll find the bastards that did it. 

[kaashiboo]

hiii i hope u have a nice day! how would akaashi and kita react if their s/o cries because of how much they love them?? idek if that makes sense nsnsm but i hope u understand ! byeee stay safe

haikyuu boys reacting to you crying because of how much you love them

┇ akaashi and kita

→fluff

gn!reader

【warnings: none】

✎ a/n: AAAH this is the first ever request that I've gotten so i was really excited when i saw the notification heh:') i really appreciate the request! i hope i did well on this oneee. stay safe to you too! <3 and thank you for your patience because i know this took a long time hehe.

akaashi

you were patiently waiting in the library for akaashi as he offered to study with you for the upcoming exams but since he still has practice, you decided to just wait for him.

you had a mental debate with yourself whether you should start studying already or just use your phone— and you obviously choose the latter.

you stared at your wallpaper, it was a candid picture of akaashi crouched down with bread crumbs on his palms as an attempt to feed the birds. it was honestly such a lovely experience.

a wide grin never left your face. a sigh of contentment escaped from your lips. you propped your elbow on the table, resting your chin on your palm as you continually scroll through your album named 'memories with keiji<3'.

you stop scrolling for a while, starting to realize how lucky you are to have akaashi in your life. memories of you two together flooded your mind and you start tearing up.

-

"love, try feeding the birds. just try not to... look scary." he teased, you let out a loud and offended 'huh?', startling some of the birds and he gave you an i-told-you look.

"y/n, sweetie. i bought snacks for you since i heard from the school's nurse that you were having some bad cramps."

"sweetheart, it's okay to cry. i'm here now, you don't need to hide your feelings from me because i would always be more than willing to help you, okay?"

"you did great, my love! i am so proud of you. i love you."

-

you hadn't noticed that akaashi was secretly watching you from afar until you heard a soft thump on the floor and you quickly looked up at him.

"kei—" you were about to greet him but he immediately embraced you.

your eyes widened in surprise, rubbing his back soothingly. "is there something wrong?" you whispered softly, your other hand making its way to play with his hair.

"shouldn't i be the one asking you that?" he pulled away, cupping your cheeks in his hands and wiped your tears with his thumb and you finally noticed that you were crying the whole time.

"oh no," you laughed a bit. "i'm alright, keiji. i was just overwhelmed." you tried explaining but he was still reluctant at your response and so you picked up your phone that you placed on the table as soon as you caught sight of his presence.

"see? i was just looking at our pictures. i swear, i didn't mean and i never even noticed that i started crying." he finally relaxed. sensing that you were still in a good mood.

"but why were you even crying in the first place?" you slowly turned your head to the side where you can't see him. too embarrassed to answer but he held your chin between his thumb and index finger, slowly guiding your head to face him.

you knew you could have looked away but you couldn't help but to just stare back. "i love you." you blurted, causing him to smile.

"i love you too, sweetheart. but i don't think that answers my question."

"well that was my answer." you saw his smile turn into a small smirk, "i don't think i understand what you're trying to imply, my love. could you please explain it more?" you playfully pinched his cheeks before planting a kiss on the same spot.

"it's okay to cry, love." he muttered.

kita

"how has he been?" granny yumie looked at you adoringly as you prepared a bento box to bring to kita as he was still in practice.

"he's been treating me better than anyone could, granny." you answered honestly.

"that's good to hear, y/n-chan, but i think i would love to hear you talk about him more. come on, it's just the two of us." she insisted. you chuckled before wrapping up the food you had prepared before sitting down on the floor across her. ready to give in and do what she requested.

"shinsuke is a very lovely boy, granny. truth to be told, i was very intimidated when i first bumped into him and the way he looked at me weirdly because i was the one who apologized when he spilled his drink on me,” you laughed as you thought about it.

“but he was also kind enough to lend me his jacket before he rushed off to practice and i was thankful for it because i at least had the reason to find him and return him his jacket.” you glanced at granny yumie who was intently listening to you talk.

“and the day after that, i returned his jacket but he insisted that i should keep it,” you paused again, smiling a bit before pointing at the jacket you were currently wearing. “it’s this one.” you said before continuing with your story.

“and because we were in the same year, he would always give me his notes even though i don’t really need them— well i kinda do need them since i don’t like writing. not only that but he offered to always walk me home.”

“granny, i wonder how he’s able to pull off that kind of thing?” you bit your lips, trying to come up with an answer.

“what thing, dear?”

“he may not be the most affectionate person in the world but i still feel so loved whenever i’m with him. he’s not like me who always craved their partner’s touch but even so, he still manages to show that he cares and that he loves me very much and i am beyond grateful to have him. he’s so patient and understanding with me.” you pouted in a playful manner, trying to hide the fact that you were close to crying.

you’ve never had problems with talking about your relationship with kita to other people but this conversation with granny yumie is different since you were used to talk about the two of you casually but this time, nothing but sincerity lingered in the air and you couldn’t help but swallow the lump in your throat that was starting to build up.

“ah, i think they would have their break in a few minutes soon, granny. i should probably go ahead now.” you excused yourself.

“be careful on the way, y/n-chan.” she reminded you.

“will do, granny! thank you for helping me prepare shin’s food.” you bowed and left hurriedly.

once you are out of the house, you let the tears stream endlessly, clutching tightly onto the fabric wrapped around the bento box to not accidentally let it go.

you were walking at a fast pace not until someone held your shoulders, forcing you to look up.

“y/n?”

“shin!” you yelped in surprise, wiping your tears with the back of your hand before smiling at him.

“wait why are you here? aren’t you supposed to be in practice?” you narrowed your eyes. realizing that he was wearing a new t-shirt.

“i could be asking you the same question, darling. but to answer yours, we ended practice early.” he let go of you before scanning your face completely and you felt like melting under his gaze, “do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

“it’s a ridiculous reason, shin. it’s fine.” you insisted before holding your hand out for him to get the food that you made for him and he gladly accepted it.

“nothing is ridiculous if it’s you, y/n. especially if it’s your feelings. you know that you can talk to me about anything, right?” he grabbed your wrist gently, pulling you to the bench near where you two were standing and pushed you down to sit.

-

shin: y/n, good morning. please do not forget to eat breakfast.

shin: hello. i heard from your classmates yesterday that you would have a quiz later. do not forget to review. if you need my help, just call me.

shin: the nurse told me you were sick. don’t wait for me anymore, we decided to not have practice today. i’ll pick you up from your classroom then walk you home and take care of you.

shin: y/n, love? suna just sent me a screenshot of the songs you’re currently listening to. are you sure you feel fine?

-

“love. i know that you are great friends with the twins but is it okay if you tell them to not always smother you especially when you are with me?” kita said. trying to keep his tone remain usual but the hint of bitterness was still there.

you felt him squeeze your hand when you chuckled at him. “of course, shin. i’ll make sure to tell them that. i’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.” you reassured.

-

you’ve heard kita sigh for the fifth time ever since he arrived at your house.

“shin? is something bothering you?”

“y/n. i know i may not be the most affectionate person but please do not hesitate to initiate affection for me.” you couldn’t help but smile at him. completely placing your phone down on your bed.

“of course, baby. do you have a particular reason that made you say that to me?” you asked, worried.

“you haven’t hugged me ever since i got here.” you almost could not hear him but his straightforward attitude never failed to amuse you and so you pulled him into a tight hug immediately.

-

“love?” you heard him utter once again and you finally snapped out of your trance. tears threatening to escape once again.

“please tell me what’s wrong.” he looked at you worriedly.

“i love you.” you smiled.

“i know. i love you more, y/n. but i am still concerned about you.”

“nothing’s wrong, shin. don’t worry. i was just thinking of how lucky i am to have you.” he chuckled at your statement.

“is that why you’re crying?” you nodded as a response, laughing awkwardly.

“well, i think that is an odd reason, y/n. however, i know that crying is not only caused when a person is sad. it can be caused my numerous reasons but i think i would rather see you smile.” he gently wiped the tears away with his handkerchief that you two bought together at a mall when you had your first date.

“you still have those?” you pointed at the piece of fabric and he nodded.

“of course i do. i keep everything that has anything to do with you— oh no, love, please stop crying.” he slightly panics.

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 4

a/n: uwuwuwuwu @animesportboys​ and i were just talking about this and my heart was just bursting at this thought 😭

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

also requests are currently closed right now since i have like nearly 30 to finish so please be patient with me and wait for me to finish it all and until then i can open them up again. however, dont stop sending me cute stuff okay?  🥺

summary: its the time of the month for seijoh’s manager 🥺

@ yn when shes extra moody and mean during that time and does this every time she hears anything even come out of the boys’ mouth

oh dear

so basically

it’s,,,,,, a natural thing that most girls go through every month for more than half of their lives and its absolutely D R E A D F U L

the boys ofc knew what the hell a period was bc hello health class so they knew you would become this,,, other version of yourself

youd be moodier, childish, and easy to annoy and snap to everyone

but you would quickly realize how you’re acting then be all regretful and teary and cry easily and then youd forget about it then start the cycle again

you’d stick your tongue out at them and tease them mercilessly, making them run even more laps and pushing them harder

‘I SEE THOSE ARMS SHAKING, IWAIZUMI HAJIME. ADD 15 MORE TO THAT ROUTINE’

‘WHAT?!’

‘IF I SEE YOU EVEN A STEP BEHIND KINDAICHI, YOU WILL BE RUNNING 8 MORE LAPS KUNIMI’

‘NOO!!!!’

‘CHECK YOURSELF OUT ONE MORE TIME, YAHABA, I WILL GOUGE OUT YOUR EYES’

‘HAVE MERCY!!!!’

dear god they hated it

when it was time, they would protect themselves and work even harder and be more perfect to make sure you couldnt see their faults and point them out and try and kill them

it was like war for everyone

but they didnt know the exact date it started so they didnt really know when to start preparing for war until it came

this time, you didnt either

you didnt even know you were starting as you were extra busy booking the buses for away comps and collecting and emailing teachers for any missed homeworks for the team

so when it did start,,,

oh dear part 2

it wasnt really something you found out when you woke up that morning but you noticed you must be getting close since you were feeling extra cranky and you havent even been awake for more than an hour

nothing really happened throughout the day so you were just thinking that you didnt get enough sleep last night so you were just tired and wanted to sleep

but then it happened

you were standing next to iwa, reviewing his spike percentages when you shifted your weight to the other leg and then your eyes widened

your water broke

i saw this tiktok of this one girl and she was about to start filming with her friend when her eyes widened and her friend knew immediately and her caption was ‘my water broke’

iwa was worried as heck on to what was going on with you and even followed your gaze to see it on the wall and nothing out of the ordinary

‘y/n?’

‘oh god’

you mumbled and you wanted to run but you were too scared that you leaked and probably have an obvious redness on your white track pants

yep it def was your time bc you felt tears welling up in your eyes and you sniffled, embarrassed and upset for this to happen now, of all times

then oikawa tooru bursted through the doors

iwa, taking his eyes off of you and to the captain, started to yell at him until he noticed the brunette’s flushed face and panting form, hunched over as he gripped on the door handle with the plastic bag

you, too busy trying to think of a way to get out of there like deciding to waddle or to just crawl, didnt see oikawa as he approached you

the team paused and watched as he took a black hoodie from the plastic bag and wrapped it around your waist

‘hmm, y/n-chan, better get dressed so we can go now’

he hummed and you snapped out of your panic and looked up at him with watery eyes

‘oikawa-san’

you whispered and he nodded, eyes knowing what was going on

‘coach, theres a planetarium special tonight’

oikawa shouted without tearing his gaze away from you and coach irihata instantly knew, knowing the code that oikawa came up with when you became a part of the family team

the elder coach made a noise of agreement and oikawa didnt wait to up and carry you in his arms and waved to the team while pushing your head in his chest so you can hide

‘work hard everyone!’

‘oi, shittykawa! what the hell-!’

but an intense side-eye from his best friend shut him up and he knew something happened so he didnt say anything since he trusts oikawa to fix it

‘i trust you will take care of them, iwa-chan’

iwaizumi nodded firmly before shouting to resume back to practice and he himself went back to the line for spikes

you were carried to the bathroom so you could change into your emergency undies and pad and after you did your business, oikawa noticed you uncomfortably waddling towards him so he took you back into his arms

oikawa continued to carry you like his bride down the street towards an unknown destination, humming a children’s show tune that takeru loved to watch, while you maintained curled around yourself, partly due to the shame but also from the pain in your abdomen

you wiped the few stray tears that spilled past your eyes and oikawa chuckled when he noticed you aggressively wipe them off

‘hmm, y/n-chan, you shouldnt do that to yourself. it irritates your eyes and the skin around it so gently dab it next time, kay?’

you nodded, burrowing back to his chest and breathing in his scent

french toast

he smelled like french toast as the smell of caramel and vanilla wafted into your nose

‘howd you know’

you mumbled against the fabric of his jacket

oikawa stopped his humming and replaced it with a chuckle

‘oh, y/n-chan. oikawa-san is a reliable senpai, dont you know? i got a tracker! just for you!’

he answered and your eyes moved from his arm to his smile and you gripped his jacket tighter, fingers curled around it as if it was your lifeline

‘thank you, oikawa-san’

your words of appreciation made oikawa’s heart thump and he faltered a little, blush creeping up his neck, but he fought it down, covering it up with a smirk

‘you should be, y/n-chan! girls would kill to be you right now!’

you rolled your eyes at the return of his cocky attitude but you knew better

the real oikawa tooru was under that mask

turns out, he carried you to his home as his house was the closest while yours had to be taken by a bus

thankfully his parents were out and his sister and nephew were in a trip in tokyo that you had the house to yourselves without anyone asking questions that might make you uncomfortable and them misunderstand

he shut the door with his foot and made his way up the stairs with ease, his strength truly impressing you at that moment, before settling you down on his bed

it wasnt even on purpose but you curled yourself on his blanket, head buried in his pillow

his heart combusted and tooru had to look away or else he wouldve jumped on you and coddled you forever

instead, he quickly ran over and knelt down under his desk to reach for the box that he has prepared for you

‘y/n-chan, i never knew your pattern until last month so i was able to prepare for you now’

you looked up from your position on the bed and sat up enough to see him standing there, grinning with a mint green box

‘wh-what is that?’

you asked and he shuffled over, sitting next to you

‘this, is the y/n care love box! this special box was created by yours truly with everything you want and need during this dreadful week. theres your favorite food, warm socks, coupons you can spend like watching movies and eating ten tubs of ice cream while we talk shit about the boys’

he listed, gripping the box nervously 

‘so? do you like it?’

he looked away from the box and to you but his smile slipped into a panicked one when he saw you silently crying and biting your lip to keep the sobs in

‘y-y/n-chan! i-its okay if y-you dont like it! o-oikawa-san can-’

‘no!’

you cut him off and lunged to hug him with all your might

hehe all might

E A T   T H I S

‘i love you so much, oikawa-san! so much! thank you!’

you sobbed into his neck and he tightly hugged you back, lifting you so you could comfortably sit on his lap straddle him if you want me to be straight forward

oikawa gently moved so he was leaning against the wall that his bed was pressed against while you were pressed against his warmth

his fingers were drawing small circles on your back and whispering corny jokes or puns that made you giggle and laugh and occassionally, he would kiss your nose and you would whine at the ticklish feeling

eyes fleeting around the room, your eyes settled back on the box and you reached out, wanting to grab it until oikawa beat you to it and snatched it for you then placed it on your hold

‘whats inside, oikawa-san?’

you cutely mumbled, sitting comfortably back on his thighs so you could open the box in front of you

oikawa laughed

‘just open it and figure it out yourself, y/n-chan’

you pouted at his tease but smiled widely when you revealed the contents inside

‘oikawa-san!’

his eyes followed your surprised expression and his hands gripped your waist

‘you like it?’

he whispered and you nodded, looking back up at him and kissing his cheek, his 

‘youre so sweet, oikawa-san! like-like this candy bar! howd you know i like this?’

you held up the treat and he shrugged

‘i keep seeing you get it whenever we go to the store’

you continued to sift through the things, seeing a dvd of your favorite movie, a f/c heating pad, a note that said your favorite ice cream was in the fridge, a bag of your favorite chips, fluffy socks, the goodies

you didnt even notice yourself crying again, only realizing it when there were wet spots beneath you

oikawa saw this and he quickly but gently put the box to the side and cradled your face with both of his hands, softly wiping the tears away with his thumbs

‘aw, dont cry, my little baby. princesses should never cry’

you sniffled and choked a laugh

‘hah, n-not a baby. j-just hor-monal’

you complained and oikawa snickered but shook his head then kissed your nose again

‘youre my baby’

you didnt have it in you to complain so you went back to snuggling into him

oikawa squeezed you and went back to drawing the circles on your back and he felt you relax into his touch and slump against his form, slowly starting to snore

your head rested on his shoulder and he turned slightly to watch your eyes flutter and nose scrunch when a strand of your hair fell on it

his heart continued to beat faster and faster and it showed by the way his fingers shook as he carefully lifted the hair away from you

he slowly bent down to give you a kiss on the forehead before laying you down to sleep more comfortably

‘good night, princess’

he sweetly placed a last kiss on your cheek before getting up to go prepare your heating pad for when you wake up

the next few days were possibly the best period days youve ever had

maybe because it was oikawa telling the team that you were in,,,,, satan’s domain currently and they should be careful with you so they tried their best to lift the weight and burden off of your shoulders

however,,

the next day after the incident,,,

they still didnt know what was wrong with you and oikawa forgot to text the gc about your condition so they were still unknowing

like today

during your classes, you were feeling off, almost nauseous but eating little bits of your chocolate treats were helping you get through until lunch

ofc kunimi noticed bc hellow he sits next to you and he doesnt pay attention during class so hes been watching you sneak little bites so the teacher doesnt see and ducking under your book

he was just amused with the way your eyes would widen if you thought the teacher caught you

kindaichi and kunimi and you usually ate lunch together at your classroom since you three only got to hang out as first years during lunch

so they know you usually have a bento with you and have a general idea of how much you eat

and kunimi thought since you ate all those chocolates earlier, you wouldnt eat as much food but then he saw you scarf down your bento, eat 2 more bags of chips and was finishing last chocolate bar

kindaichi,,,, wasnt even finished with his own bento and was watching you, amazed, at how easily you ate all of it

they didnt say anything since they thought you just didnt eat dinner last night but even during the walk towards the gym for after school practice, you were complaining that you were hungry and was eating another chocolate bar

they thought something was truly wrong bc you were eating so much more than usual

kunimi watched you chew on it as you opened the gym door and still ate even when you were talking to mattsun about his jump height

‘man, you sure are hungry, aren’t you, y/n? thats like your fifth chocolate bar today’

kunimi teased, grabbing a ball to spike but he froze, seeing you with the coldest and angriest look hes ever seen

you blinked at him, grip tightening on the treat, and mattsun slowly backing away from you

you advanced towards the blep boy, treat already forgotten and shoved to be held by mattsun 

despite your shorter height than kunimi, he trembled slightly as you looked up at him

‘are you calling me fat, kunimi? are you? am i fat? do you think im ugly? im a piggie?’

you ranted and slowly started crying, making kunimi frantically scramble to stop you before the other upperclassmen see or worse, oikawa-san

‘y/n-wait-no!-um’

‘y/n-chan?’

kunimi shut his eyes tightly in fear at the deadly sweet voice of his captain and kindaichi and mattsun sent a quick prayer to their fellow teammate before he was going to get killed

‘uh oh, i think we’d have to start looking for a replacement for kunimi’

makki, who just arrived, teased making kindaichi fearfully look at him

‘eh?!’

‘oh, you first years have never seen oikawa mad, have ya? well, you’ll get front seat of it!’

mattsun clapped him in the back making him gulp

you werent sobbing but you were definitely crying, tear tracks quickly being wetted by the numerous amount of tears that fell

kunimi scrambled to his knees and folded himself, forehead resting on the floor by his hands

‘I APOLOGIZE! PLEASE DONT KILL ME! I APOLOGIZE! PLEASE FIND MERCY IN YOURSELF AND FORGIVE ME, Y/N-SAMA!’

it was certainly a sight to see

normally calm and collected and chill and relaxed hippie kunimi begging to be forgiven

oikawa stepped forward but you quickly felt the change of your mood, feeling bad for your boy and scrambling to pull him back up

‘oh kunimi-kun! dont kneel like that! the floor is too hard and might give you knee pain!’

it was like whiplash

iwa stepped in the gym and saw the team’s confused and bewildered expressions and saw you, kunimi, and oikawa and he shook his head

this aint even half of bad as he has seen

oikawa gently took you away from kunimi and held you to him instead, giving you a smile, to which you returned, and looked at kunimi, a deadly glint in his eye

‘what happened, y/n-chan?’

the tone of his voice sent a chill to run down everyone’s spines and even iwa, the boy who’s seen this a handful of times, shivered and nervously watched oikawa, ready to jump in

but you just blinked, completely unaware of the change of atmosphere

‘oh, um, i overreacted. i was eating too much food today and mustve annoyed him or something’

you sheepishly mumbled but oikawa was having none of it

‘no, its fine. youre literally bleeding out as we speak! dont feel the need to validate yourself!’

he lightly scolded while you hung your head low and continued to apologize but he gently bonked your head before scolding you again

the team definitely knew now that you were in that,,,, time and they definitely knew now, especially kunimi, that even if youve seen oikawa mad, youd think that the devil was more merciful than him when it relates to the topic of you

a/n: i swear to GGGOOOOODDDDDD im an oikawa whore who cant seem to stop writing for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[crispychrissy]

Connected - Part 4

Summary: Dr. Austin's theory is put to the test, and she shows Tony, Bucky, and Steve the woman behind the mystery. Pairing: Eventual Bucky Barnes x Reader Word Count: 2976 Warnings: Angst, medical stuff, stretching the medical science behind the super soldier serum, discussion of Bucky's previous trauma & a mention of the horrible things the Nazi's did A/N: I apologize for the late posting, I fell asleep so hard last night I didn't have a chance to queue this, and then I was out all day (good 14 hours out and about) so I am just now able to post the new chapter since I'm home now. As I mentioned in a prior post, I no longer have a forever taglist, but I will still tag series specific people if they request. You can also follow this story & others on my Ao3 as well. The series was beta’d by the lovely @idjitmonkey and I hope you enjoy! Please send me an ask if you would like to be tagged in the series. :)

Series Masterlist – Marvel Masterlist

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆

Bucky made a quick call to Shuri who, after a thorough interrogation as to why he was asking, assured him his arm would not be affected by the magnets of an MRI machine. So now, Bucky was laying down on his back inside the machine and staring at the small glass covered camera embedded in the inside curve of the plastic above him.

“Stop staring at the camera, Barnes, you’re giving off some crazy resting murder face right now,” Tony’s staticky voice came through the pair of disposable earbuds he was wearing to protect his hearing from the noise of the scan. “Might sell these scans to Ripley’s Believe It or Not. You actually do have something going on in that head of yours.”

“As much as I know you want to answer, Sergeant Barnes, please do not speak or move,” Dr. Austin’s voice came through after what sounded like a small scuffle for the microphone.

Bucky blinked several times in an unnatural yet controlled fashion, and when he heard Steve’s laughter coming through the earbuds, he had to fight the urge to smile, knowing Steve got the message he blinked out in Morse code.

F-U-C-K Y-O-U T-O-N-Y

The scan was over almost a half an hour later, and Bucky couldn’t hide his exhale of relief once the table began to slide out of the massive scanner. Confined spaces still made his skin crawl and flash back to the cryo tube he was kept in, but the MRI was surprisingly open in design and not like the ones he usually remembered seeing in hospitals. When he brought it up to Dr. Austin on their way back to her office, she smiled at him and explained most of the soldiers they treat have PTSD and claustrophobia, so an open MRI design was necessary for the comfort of the patients she treats.

It made sense, and when they entered her office and Bucky’s stomach growled for the fourth time in the last fifteen minutes, she tossed him the orange he’d been eyeing earlier before taking a seat at her desk and flipping open her laptop.

“Normally we have to wait for the images to be reviewed by a radiologist, but I’m well versed in how to read brain scans,” Dr. Austin explained, clicking a few times before leaning forward to study the screen. “Oh, wow.”

“What?” Bucky asked, using his teeth to bite a chunk of the orange’s peel off since his right hand didn't have nails long enough, and his left didn’t have nails at all. Once he could see the flesh of the orange underneath, he slid his flesh finger under the remaining peel and began to remove it in large pieces, trying to avoid getting sticky juice on his metal hand.

Dr. Austin spun her laptop around to show Bucky the image on her screen. It was a scan of his head, he could tell that, but the mess of swirling bright colors on the inside where his brain was made his eyes hurt. There were bright greens and blues swirled with more vibrant reds and pinks dancing around inside the image. “This is your brain.”

“Looks more like those posters… the ‘this is your brain on drugs’ pictures if they were made in the sixties, Doc,” Tony said. “I’m guessing it’s not supposed to look like that?”

“No. There’s so much brain activity that it’s likely what’s been burning through your energy and why you’ve been hungry all the time,” Dr. Austin explained. “Any type of brain activity, including emotions and problem solving, requires energy, whether it’s planning a complex strategy of attack for a mission or a simple math problem or crying at a sad part in a movie. Overworking the mind usually leads to tiredness, which leads to sleep, naturally refreshing those energy reserves. Most humans don’t expend enough energy, even when the brain is very active, to require major replenishment. Take Mr. Stark for example.”

Tony looked up and raised his eyebrows. “Me?”

“Yes, you’re a very intelligent man, and I’m guessing that when you’re elbow deep in your inventions or developing something, you don’t sleep and will go days without rest… so you find you get somewhat hungry at random times, right?” Dr. Austin asked.

“Well, yeah, I usually keep snacks around the lab that I nibble on so I don’t have to leave to make an actual meal. It ruins the momentum,” Tony said, confusion in his voice. “Pep’s found me passed out over the kitchen counter halfway through making a sandwich.

“Your body shut down and went to sleep before you were even able to replenish that energy via food since sleep is more efficient. So, that is a normal human mind.” Tony opened his mouth to protest, when Dr. Austin rolled her eyes and switched analogies. “Fine, that’s a standard engine, if you will, that can easily be refueled by a small energy source for a limited amount of time before it needs to be shut down and rebooted,” Dr. Austin said, slowly twirling her right pointer finger in a circle.

“Alright, I’m following you so far.” Tony’s head was slightly moving along with the circular rotation of her finger.

“Now, in the case of our super soldiers here, imagine that engine, but amplified almost five hundred percent,” Dr. Austin began to rotate her finger faster and faster until it was a blur of movement. “The need for sleep is suppressed by the serum, since alertness is crucial in combat, so that reboot requirement is easier to put off. In order to keep this kind of engine going at the same speed and level of activity for prolonged periods, it would burn through a small snack, or a small source of energy, too quickly and would signal the driver of the car, if you will, that it needed more.”

“So you’re saying that something is making Bucky’s brain so active, and he’s burning through so much energy, that it’s manifesting as hunger to make sure he keeps up with what’s being expended?” Steve asked, his mouth slightly open in shock. “I mean, I always remember being hungry after mission strategy and planning meetings, but I just assumed it was because I was bored or had skipped a meal.”

Dr. Austin shook her head. “Nope. You were using your brain in overdrive, doing quick calculations and mission scenarios in your head to find the best possible plan of action, much faster than any normal human brain would be able to calculate. It makes you an excellent strategist, but that kind of brain power burns a lot of energy.”

Bucky snorted in disbelief and leaned forward in the chair, resting his elbows on his knees. “It makes sense. I was a good sniper when I was first in the Army during the war, but after Zola… after he injected me with that bastardized version of the serum… I could calculate trajectory angles and wind velocities and distances in my head in seconds, didn’t have to write them out to do the calculations. Didn’t even need a spotter anymore.”

Dr. Austin nodded. “Exactly. The serum allowed you extra mental acuity at the expense of more energy consumption.”

“But that doesn’t explain why Bucky’s brain is lit up like a psychedelic Christmas tree,” Tony said, gesturing to the laptop image. “Barnes obviously isn’t doing any kind of advanced calculus in his head right now.” Tony looked at Bucky. “You’re not right?” Bucky shook his head and Tony continued, “so why is his brain so active?”

“And that leads me to my theory about Y/N,” Dr. Austin said, standing up from her chair. “Follow me, gentlemen. And Sergeant Barnes,” he looked over and raised a brow as he trailed after her into the hallway, “please let me know if you feel any increased feelings of hunger or exhaustion. The effects might come on quickly, so please let me know if, or when, you feel anything.”

Bucky nodded, and looked over to where Steve was walking to his right. Thanks to their childhood friendship, Steve could always see anxiety and nervousness in Bucky even when he tried to hide it, like when he saw Bucky off the morning he shipped off to Europe. Bucky kept his face stoic, but when Steve hugged him goodbye, Bucky was practically trembling under the Army-hardened mask he had worn then.

Steve reached over and clasped a comforting hand on Bucky’s shoulder, giving him a squeeze of reassurance.

The doctor led them down several hallways, until they reached another wing of the military hospital which held secure patient rooms that could be locked down if necessary, whether due to outbursts of violence due to psychological issues from recovering soldiers or to hold prisoners who had been injured and needed medical intervention. Dr. Austin stopped in front of a room at the end of the hallway and gestured to the one-way mirror in front of her.

“Gentlemen, meet Y/N Y/L/N.”

The three men stepped closer and looked into the room, all eyes frozen on the figure sitting upright in the hospital bed. Y/N had shoved herself in the farthest possible corner of the bed, her knees tucked under her chin and arms wrapped around her legs. The photo in her file, and even the video of her they’d seen looked nothing like the woman before them. She looked almost emaciated, her skin a sickly pale that was almost translucent, and her stringy grease matted hair twitched slightly as her body trembled.

“Jesus,” Steve breathed. “She… she looks like those prisoners… the ones—”

Bucky swallowed and nodded. “From Natzweiler, yeah, I remember.” Bucky took a deep breath, fighting against the telltale tingle in his mind of a long since forgotten memory beginning to rise up like a wave. “Doc… is she eating?”

“She was when she first got here, but only if the food was left for her after she passed out from exhaustion,” Dr. Austin explained. “Now, ever since things have escalated, she rips out her IV’s, pulls out NG tubes, and refuses any food we bring her. I’m not going to sedate her just because it’ll make it easier to feed her, we haven’t reached that level of intervention yet, but we’re getting close. She told one of our staff yesterday, in Russian, that she was not going to eat any of our poisoned food, that she wasn’t some kind of lab experiment and that we were animals for not just shooting her in the head to get it over with.”

All of the air in Bucky’s lungs came out in one hard breath like he’d been punched in the chest, and he had to brace himself against the windowsill to keep his knees from buckling. “Fuck.”

“Bucky?” Steve gasped at Bucky’s sudden weakness, grabbing onto his friend’s arm and placing a gentle hand on his back. ”What? Are you feeling the stuff Dr. Austin mentioned?”

Bucky grit his teeth and closed his eyes at the onslaught of memory fragments bombarding him. “No, I’m… I don’t know, maybe? I just… she’s…” Bucky’s thoughts were so jumbled he could barely form a coherent sentence, even in his head. He made a choked off noise that sounded more like a sob before he lifted his head to look at Y/N. “She’s reliving my captivity with Hydra. This… this was after I was transferred from the facility the Russians held me in after they found me to the one where Zola did his experiments. They were, umm, they were testing the limits of the serum, trying to figure out what I could survive.”

Steve’s face dropped and he took a sharp breath in. Bucky’s captivity and torture was not something he talked about often outside his therapy sessions. Steve only knew a handful of stories, ones that had come directly from Bucky’s mouth, and even then they were very hard stories for him to tell—lots of starting and stopping, frequent breaks, and plenty of tears. But here, with two extra people with him, and one being a stranger?

“Buck, you don’t have to talk about it,” Steve whispered.

“No, I need… she said exactly what I said to the guards who brought me food one day.” Bucky swallowed hard, flexing his fingers against the painted metal of the windowsill, the cold against his flesh hand grounding him. “They were testing different poisons and how the serum would fight it off… arsenic, ricin, even different kinds of snake and spider venom. I had seizures, strokes, and my heart stopped so many times I lost count.”

“Fucking hell,” Tony murmured, leaning against the wall behind them, his face a few shades paler than it was ten minutes ago. “Y/N is reliving your memories, reliving your life.”

“We need to find a way to pull her out of this,” Bucky said, straightening up with determination even though his bones felt like liquid and his mind was full of numbing static. If Y/N was reliving his life, even if it didn’t seem like the moments were in order, he knew it was only a matter of time until she would experience how the Winter Soldier was born, how he was forged, and he wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Dr. Austin nodded and looked back at her patient through the glass. “If my theory is correct, which I believe it is based on your shared memories and brain scans, Y/N’s mind has somehow melded with yours. And your memories, powered by your mind’s energy, have somehow taken over hers, suppressing her personality completely. I don’t know if it was some kind of dormant mutant ability that was activated by the trauma of her captivity and torture, or something else… but there is obviously some kind of link between the two of you that we don’t have the technology to test for and verify. You’re essentially feeding her your memories, which is why your brain is lit up like that and why you’re expending so much energy.”

“It’s like she’s stuck inside one of Stark’s virtual reality headsets and can’t take it off, experiencing everything I went through while my brain keeps playing her different…” Bucky trailed off and his eyes widened before his head snapped to look at Y/N through the glass.

In a flash of movement, Bucky grabbed Dr. Austin’s ID badge from where it was clipped onto her white coat and darted for the door to Y/N’s room, scanning the badge so the door opened with a green light and soft click. Bucky, ignoring the shouts of his name and hands trying to grab at him to pull him back, opened the door and shut it firmly behind him, engaging the door’s auto-lock safety feature that he knows secure wings of hospitals have. The group outside would need to find another ID badge to get in, which would buy him some time.

Y/N’s wide and terrified eyes settled on him, and she tilted her head in an almost confused dog-like fashion, her eyes softening with an air of familiarity. Bucky could feel the hunger gnawing at his stomach turn into sharp cramps that almost made him double over, and there was a soft circle of darkness starting to creep in around his vision.

Bucky took three large steps forward, and even though she flinched away at his sudden movement, Y/N didn’t scramble away to try and avoid his hands as he lifted them. Her weary bloodshot eyes were full of unshed tears, and the closer Bucky’s hands got to her face, the more she began to tremble.

“You’re safe,” he whispered to her in Russian, before repeating the same sentiment in English.

The moment his fingers, both flesh and metal, touched the skin on either side of her face, it felt like he was on the wrong side of an attack from Thor’s hammer. Whatever weakness and hunger he’d been feeling was burned out of his body at the sheer shock cascading through his entire being. It didn’t hurt, but it was bordering on wildly uncomfortable, and Bucky was afraid he’d never be able to let go, his hands stuck to Y/N like a magnet.

There was something different passing between them, more than what touch alone could provide. Trying to understand everything that was happening was overwhelming, but when Bucky focused, he could almost feel Y/N inside his mind, like another whisper of a presence, a ghost in his consciousness. When he reached out in his head for her where he’d felt the ghost of her presence, he was assaulted with bursts of memories he knew were not his own, images of unfamiliar people, places, and things flashing in his mind like photographs. Bucky's curiosity was almost childlike, awestruck and trying to understand what his brain was comprehending, sorting through what Y/N was showing him.

The more information Bucky absorbed, the darker each memory became until it felt like he was wading through molasses, each image being harder and harder to move past. A hoarse whisper of “No” echoed in his mind, and Bucky couldn’t tell if it was his own voice or Y/N’s.

A solid arm wrapped around Bucky’s middle, one much more firm than human flesh would be, and pulled him backward until his hands dropped from Y/N’s face, breaking whatever connection had refused to release him when he’d touched her. Reality came rushing back, and the room and people around him flashed into existence, the change in environment and sound disorienting him and leaving him panting for breath, his knees wobbling.

“She…” Bucky looked over at Y/N, who was just as distressed, and watched her collapse onto the bed, unconscious, before his vision blacked out and darkness took him as well.

***

Connected Tags: @ginger-swag-rapunzel @that-one-gay-girl @fanofalltheficsx @joseyrw @lana-writes-04 @gia-25 @klanceiscannon14 @ahahafudge

[lostinthewiind]

Hi i was just wondering if u can do a fanfic where y/n is having a bad day like a really bad day with tsukishima, sakusa and who ever you want. You can ignore this or if u dont want to do this. Ty

HAIKYUU BOYS WHEN YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DAY

A/N: Ohhh, my very first Haikyuu request! I’m gonna write this right now even though I probably should be last-minute reviewing for my nutrition final this afternoon (don’t worry, I’ve been studying since I woke up so a little break is okay . . . right?) I hope you like what I’ve written since this is my first time writing with a multiple-character format (I’ve found the Haikyuu fics are usually formatted differently than other fandom fics so I’m still adjusting)

Characters: Tsukishima, Sakusa, Ushijima

Rating: PG

Warnings: None

【TSUKISHIMA】

Because he is so quiet most of the time (except when he is being a little snark-master), he is very astute regarding the emotions of people around him, so he immediately knows when you’ve had a bad day

He can tell by the way you shuffle your feet or close your locker just a little bit more roughly than usual

Since Tsukki has more experience with putting people into bad moods rather than helping them get out of them, he is sort of at a loss for what to do, but he is slowly getting better

His go-to move is to offer to hang out with you after school since he knows you don’t like talking about your problems in front of people, so he’s hoping you will open up a little bit if it’s just the two of you

If that doesn’t work, he will plop his headphones over your ears, blast some of the music that he knows you like, and drape his volleyball jacket over your head and shoulders so you can be somewhere dark where you don’t have to feel like everyone has their eyes on you

It wasn’t really one single thing that had put you in a bad mood that day, but rather a series of small events that had piled up and eventually brought you to your breaking point. With feet that felt heavy like lead and your head hung low, you made your way to the designated meeting spot where Tsukki would meet you after his practice was over and plopped down to wait for him.

As soon as you felt the grass beneath you, the sun shining down on you, and the overwhelming sensation of finally being completely alone, you let out an exasperated sigh and began plucking at the blades of grass between your fingers, willing yourself to at least try to hold out on crying until you got home.

Before long, you had become so distracted by pulling out the blades of grass one at a time and tossing them into the breeze, you didn’t notice Tsukki had joined you until you felt a light, soft weight on your shoulders. You instantly knew that Tsukki had draped his volleyball jacket over you.

Looking up, you forced a small smile. “You’ll get cold.” You moved to shrug the jacket off and hand it back since Tsukki was in just a T-shirt. Before you could, however, he stopped you and sat down beside you.

“Bad day?” he asked even though he already knew the answer. You nodded slowly as he repositioned the jacket tighter around you. “Wanna talk about it?” You shook your head.

“It’s just one of those days,” you told him, trying more to convince yourself than him. “I’ll be okay. Just need to cool off a little.”

Instead of responding, Tsukki pulled his headphones out of his bag and placed them gently onto your head. Seconds later, a song that you had sent him just the other day started playing just loud enough that you could still hear Tsukki talking beside you. 

“Let me know if I can do anything,” he said, wrapping a comforting arm around your shoulders.

You smiled again, this time not forced, and continued ripping out the grass around you. No matter how flustered he got when it came to taking care of others, your big, blonde middler blocker always tried his hardest, and that would always be good enough for you. 

“Thanks, Tsukki,” you just barely whispered, and even though you couldn’t hear it over the music, Tsukki could hear it clear-as-day. 

【SAKUSA】

Sakusa is the master of handling bad days

Unfortunately, he hasn’t quite caught on yet that the things that work for him don’t always work for everyone else

He is quick to jump into action when he learns that you’re having a bad day because he knows how much they suck, but sometimes he gets so wrapped up in trying to help you feel better that he completely misses the mark on what you need

Always says he will try to do better next time but always ends up forgetting again

You could never stay mad at him though because you know he means well

As soon as you had shown up on Sakusa’s doorstep with that characteristic combination of pout and grimace on your face that indicated you had had a bad day, he was quick to sweep you into the house and settle you onto the couch.

“Sakusa, I-” You chuckled lightly as he wrapped a large blanket around your shoulders and promptly took off toward the kitchen to make you a cup of tea, completely ignoring your attempt to talk to him.

Knowing this act all too well, you simply sat back and resigned yourself to your fate for the next hour or so of non-stop babying from your loving boyfriend. Besides, in the grand scheme of things, you could have had it a lot worse—you could have had a boyfriend that didn’t care about you or your emotions at all. While his actions were definitely extreme, at least they were the good type of extreme and not the bad type.

Having had closed your eyes in order to try to calm yourself down a bit, you jolted a little when the sound of a tea mug being placed on the table in front of you pulled you from your thoughts. 

“Thank you.” You turned toward the boy with wide eyes and black curls hanging in his face beside you, patiently waiting for you to ask for whatever else you needed so he could jump up and get it for you. “You can relax now, I’m okay,” you told him.

“Are you sure there isn’t anything else you need?” He was so on-edge that you could practically see him vibrating before your very eyes.

Sighing softly, you placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to calm him down a little. “Actually, there is something else.” You leaned forward and wrapped your arms around him, tackling him into the couch before he could say another word. “I need you. Just hold me please.” 

After getting over the initial shock of being pushed into the soft couch cushions, Sakusa reciprocated the hug and held you close. “Your tea will get cold,” he whispered into your ear.

You couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s okay. I’m sure you can make me another one if that happens.”

He smiled down at you, finally having realized he was being too-doting and forced himself to take it down a notch or five. “Anything you want.”

【USHIJIMA】

I’m sure this comes as no surprise, but this man is just GOD-AWFUL at picking up on other people’s emotions

It’s not his fault, and oh goodness the poor boy tries his hardest, but he is just so oblivious

You are well-aware that he requires you to physically tell him that you are in a bad mood, but sometimes all you want is to curl up into a ball and have him come to you on his own accord

This almost never happens, however, and you’re almost completely convinced that the few times it did was nothing more than a fluke

Even a broken clock is right twice a day

Once he KNOWS you’re in a bad mood, he is an excellent care-taker

Prefers to talk about problems rather than try to distract you from them, and even though sometimes you just want him to hug you and kiss you and tell you everything is okay, you prefer this method in the long-run

Ushijima is an amazing listener and gives great advice (helps you figure out how you want to solve a problem instead of telling you what to do, but does it so smoothly and effortlessly that you don’t even notice)

Shuffling your way over to where Ushijima was sitting on the couch, homework in front of him and attention completely focused on the work at hand, you felt bad about interrupting him but knew that if you didn’t tell him now, you never would and then the poor boy would wonder why you were sulking by yourself all night long.

Clearing your throat, you waited for him to look up at you before speaking. “Just letting you know that I had a bad day today and that I am now in a bad mood.”

Ushijima nodded, silently thanking you for telling him. “Was it something I did?” he asked. 

You shook your head as you hugged your hoodie (well, Ushijima’s hoodie, but he hadn’t gotten a chance to wear it once since you had laid claim to it) tighter around your body. “No. Just a bad day.” You shrugged. 

Closing the textbook he had been reading and placing it beside himself on the couch, he wordlessly reached out to you and pulled you into his lap. “What happened?”

You huffed and buried your head into the crook of his neck. “Don’t wanna talk about it.” You pressed a soft kiss to his neck, hoping it would distract him from forcing you to talk about what was going on. Of course, however, it didn’t. Once Ushijima had his mind set on something, it was impossible to get him off track.

“Hey.” He gently cupped your face with his large hand and forced you to look up at him. “You can’t solve a problem if you don’t confront it head-on.”

Squeezing your eyes shut, you groaned. “I know, but can’t you just hold me and tell me everything will be okay . . . just this once?”

Ushijima just rolled his eyes. “What happened?” he repeated.

Slumping your shoulders in defeat, you deflated. “I got a bad grade on a test that I studied really hard for.”

“Why?”

You shot him a dumbfounded look. “I have no idea! If I knew why I was so bad at studying, I probably wouldn’t be in this current predicament!”

Ushijima just ignored your outburst and cocked a thick eyebrow at you, still waiting for a response to his previous question.

Knowing that there was no way you were going to win this, you finally submitted and resigned yourself to his line of questioning. “I don’t know . . . maybe I was focusing on the wrong stuff? I think I have trouble picking out the important information from the less important stuff.”

“There you go. See? You’re smarter than you think you are.” He flashed a hint of a smile as encouragement. “And how could you solve this problem for the future?”

You thought for a moment. “Pay more attention to the stuff that the teacher repeats a lot and puts more emphasis on?” your voice wavered slightly, a little unsure of your answer.

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Telling you,” you replied with more confidence.

Ushijima nodded, an even bigger smile spreading across his face. “I think that’s a great plan!” He then squished you into his chest and pressed a big kiss onto the top of your head. “Now I can hold you and tell you that everything will be okay because it will. You’ve got a plan to make sure of that.”

Unable to deny that you did, in fact, feel a whole lot better about the situation now that you had a definitive plan to deal with it, you exhaled and let the tension fade away. 

Thank goodness you had him to ground you when you needed it the most. 

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, MIMZ! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF RAPHAEL.

Admin Rosey: I never really thought that Raphael’s application would be so f u n to read. Macabre? Absolutely. Impassioned? Of course. But hilarious to the point where I was giggling? Definitely unexpected but that is what made this so enjoyable and it is ultimately why this application received a r e s o u n d i n g yes from each of us. There was a perspective that I always envisioned for Raphael but was never able to articulate it myself until you laid it out, word by word, with this application, Mimz. Raphael is such a multi-faceted and character that holds so much potential, and the way that you wove it into every aspect of the application made this so fun to read. Thank you so much for taking the time to produce such a wonderful application! Your faceclaim change to Kendrick Sampson has been approved. Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias 

mimz

Age

21

Personal Pronouns

she/her

Activity Level

i’ll typically check the dash every day, and i try not to keep replies stewing for longer than a couple of days! that said i can be a little slow, especially around exam seasons.

Timezone

pst

Triggers

REMOVED

How did you find the group?

miss minnie bleubeard’s blog

IN CHARACTER

Character

raphael, with a fc change to kendrick sampson

What drew you to this character? 

short answer: divine amorality sexy HAHAHAHA

long answer: there was something i read a little while ago about some of the best surgeons being able to dehumanize their patients to a rather frightening degree. there’s a level of abstraction that you need in order to not let your empathy get in the way of the practice of medicine; ultimately, a body is a body is a body, right? and then there’s the moral quandary of healing - it is a doctor’s duty to heal, but what does that actually mean? to what extent is a doctor’s duty to relieve suffering? to obstinately prolong life? if the body heals but the mind still ails, is a person healed? what i’m getting at, here, is that in some ways the healer is the most dangerous character of all. 

when i read raphael’s bio, there was a quote in that article from a surgeon named david cheever that came to mind: “as a result of anaesthetics, the surgeon ‘need not hurry; he need not sympathise; he need not worry; he can calmly dissect, as on a dead body.’” to me, raphael is an explosion and expansion of this concept. raphael is, quite literally, a medical ethicist’s worst nightmare, and to me, that’s absolutely fascinating. without sympathy, what separates a healer from an educated control freak with a god complex? with raphael, we can extend this concept to its furthest extreme. raphael isn’t even human - how could he even begin to sympathize with an experience so foreign to him? why would he worry about something trivial as human suffering when it essentially exists as a theoretical concept to him? divine beings have no reason to play by human rules, and as a creature raised by god’s side raphael was so far removed from the concept of human suffering that it’s sort of a no-brainer that he developed a sick fascination with it, like a child who managed to con their parent into buying a grand theft auto game and is obsessed with running over pedestrians because the stakes never quite feel real. it’s a perspective i’d absolutely love to explore in a group rp setting because the nature of rp means that it’s kind of...completely unsustainable? like as writers we’re shoving these characters together, which means that raphael will have to be exposed to mortals. there’s room for a lot of character development there, and it seems like something extremely interesting to explore.

BUT HERE’S THE THING⁠—and this is where the character gets really fun, in my opinion. i’ve talked a fair bit about god complexes already, but when applied to raphael an interesting question is raised: how much is a complex, and how much of it is actually being divine? what really made me want to get my grubby little hands on the reins of raphael’s story was seeing the disconnect between the way his connections are written from raphael’s perspective versus the other character’s perspective. it’s a fun little hubristic shade that makes him an unreliable narrator and infinitely more interesting than a simple morality thought experiment. i think it’s easy to see raphael as this super cool, all-powerful master manipulator (i think that’s a pretty accurate take on his self-image, in fact), but he’s not the only player in this game. for every pawn he’s trying to move, there is someone else trying to use him in a similar way, and i don’t know that he truly understands the ramifications of that. see, i think it’s easy to reduce raphael to the points i discuss in the previous paragraphs because that’s what he wants you to think of him. but this is a world of gods and superpowers and magical political intrigue and game of thrones doesn’t exist so nobody can tell him that he’s on the path to becoming a cersei lannister (admittedly i haven’t watched got so this reference might not be right but i feel like it’s right so uh. yeah!). maybe i just like to see arrogant men getting knocked down a peg? this might be a projection of that. i dunno. i just know that there are quite a few mind games and mental gymnastics to untangle with raphael and that’s fun. he’s fun.

also. i would like to once again reiterate: divine amorality sexy. it’s not good, to be clear, and i don’t condone it, but i’m just saying.

What future plots do you have in mind for the character?

WHEN  THE  CITY  CRUMBLES  AROUND  YOU  AND  YOU  HOLD  ITS VESTIGES  IN  YOUR  HANDS,  WHOM  DO  YOU  BLAME?

i think Raphael’s big character arc revolves around a simple question: how far are you willing to go to achieve what you want? 

ostensibly, it’s an easy answer: very far. but when your desire is antithetical to your very purpose, when chasing it puts you at odds with the thing you’ve worked to build, do the goalposts move?

(the correct answer is that raphael did not build caelum. he simply destroyed god.)

let’s say, hypothetically, that raphael gets what he wants. the world is thrown into war and chaos and destruction, yadda yadda, raphael gets his blood and his suffering, great. he’s lived through this before (a couple times, actually), so you think he’d realize by now—eventually, the dust will settle. people will tire of suffering. and where will that leave raphael? how many times will you remake the world to watch it burn? can you ever be fulfilled chasing a temporary high? 

(the correct answer is no, but raphael is an immortal being. more importantly, he is a patient one. he will wait a million days for rome to be built, if only to witness the single day in which it will burn.)

i think raphael needs to reckon with these questions. i think he’s lived far too long with his mentality unquestioned and that has made him both insufferable and a major threat to society. this is a long and pretentious way to say that raphael honestly kind of needs a hobby whatever the thc-verse equivalent of therapy is, but i think any sort of positive character development is contingent upon a recontextualization of suffering and chaos and raphael’s masks.

of course, this isn’t to say that introspection will only lead to positive character development. perhaps a raphael who looks deeper into his psyche will come to understand that his desires outweigh his role; perhaps such thoughts will push raphael over the edge of propriety and into something more outwardly despicable. no matter what, though, i think that the direction of raphael’s character development will be largely shaped on how he decides to prioritize his⁠ roles and goals. 

FOR  WHOM  DO  THESE  HANDS  HEAL?

let’s discuss the archangels, shall we? despite it all, raphael genuinely loves his brothers. i would argue, even, that raphael believes that his scheming is in service to the other archangels; he’s not blind to the way complacency has softened the angels. at this point, the only true threat to the angels is themselves—if michael wants to to unlock a state of sanctifying grace, it will happen at the hand of one of his kin. 

i spoke earlier about raphael’s goals ultimately being futile. this is largely because they are diametrically opposed to michael and gabriel’s goals, and while raphael knows this intellectually, i don’t think he’s quite thought about what the long-term implications of that conflict entails. he’s so caught up in the conflict between michael and gabriel that he’s neglected to consider how he factors into the dynamic. could he be the common ground that brings michael and gabriel together? could he be the final straw that breaks them apart? he is excited for the fighting, the fallout; but has he stopped to consider what the long-reaching effects of such a rift may be?

raphael is breaking his family apart because he loves them. will that be enough, when he is sent to pick up the pieces? whose side will he fall on, if he is to pick a side at all? 

DID  PYGMALION  FALL  IN  LOVE  WITH  THE  BEAUTY  OF  HIS  CREATION,  OR  THE  BEAUTY  HE  CREATED?

i said this in the previous section but i’d like to reiterate it: i think a big reason raphael is Like That is because the stakes have never quite felt real to him. raphael’s a pot stirrer, but he’s not a creature of action. to this, i say give him real stakes. to be honest, i don’t know exactly what that entails, because i could see a number of ways in which tangible pressure manifests itself for raphael. perhaps his meddling with michael and gabriel steps too far, and his brothers  perhaps the angels become suspicious of his maneuvering, in which the spider is drawn into his own web of intrigue. maybe we apply positive pressure, where the ails of the world require a healer and raphael is tapped to higher purpose⁠—and higher power. maybe raphael will find himself tempted by the very demons he holds in contempt. 

the point is that raphael has largely been a character who acts through others. even now, we see this through his grooming of romilda, with his subtle manipulation of michael and gabriel. i want him to become a more active character, either by his own volition or by his hand being forced. 

similarly, i’m extremely interested in seeing how raphael navigates the political elements of this verse. i expect it stings a bit to be the only archangel not given a position of leadership; perhaps he holds lingering resentment toward zadkiel for being given a role raphael had expected to receive. does he subtly undermine zadkiel’s leadership? i want to watch him play up tensions with the vices, to hide a vicious war-hawk perspective under the guise of a concerned healer. i want him to smile in abaddon and samael’s faces and plot their suffering in his mind. i want to see the snake slither in the grass, to return to his original form as a spider spinning a web of intrigue across his court. yes, i want a more active raphael, but i think the political drama is ripe for development, as well.

WHEN  I  SPIT  UP  MY  SINS  AND  BEG  FOR  REPENTANCE,  WHAT  WILL COME  UP?

this one’s a long shot, but i could maybe...see...raphael……..falling. i can guarantee you that the idea has never even crossed raphael’s mind, and that he would literally rather be smited than be cast out of caelum, but i can see it. i think he might be happier, actually; if he fell, he could really lean into the chaos and suffering thing without any compunction.

of course, this is something infinitely easier said than done. were raphael to be cast out of caelum, he would have nowhere to go. infernum would never take him⁠—he’s made far too many enemies among their ranks. he could wander the holy land, but he’s far too proud to bind himself to its existing social systems. (he wouldn’t be able to look gabriel in the eye.)

raphael would have absolutely nothing. 

but he would also be free.

that’s right, i think that a horsemen-style liberation arc would be an absolute banger for raphael. again, i don’t think it’s feasible unless a very specific set of circumstances happen, but just imagine a raphael with nothing to lose, free to go absolutely apeshit. his only prerogative is to make sure you have a bad day. he is free to sow whatever chaos, whatever suffering he so wishes across the land. WHEW.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character?

yes, but i don’t see him going down easily.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation

entomological curiosity, in short. consider: why did god leave the apple in the garden of eden? why do humans keep animals in glass cases? why do children burn ants with magnifying glasses?

raphael wants to observe the world. a good healer must understand his patients at a fundamental level, and such truths are only revealed when the subject is broken down to its basest parts. you see, raphael was weaned on temperance and virtue; there is a lush decadence to emotional extremes that he finds most fascinating. they are debased. they are crass. they are wantonly sentimental, in a garishly beautiful way.

but this is not all. he wants to stave off boredom, and these are the tools he has to play with. for all of his machinations, raphael is a simple being. raphael has no grand ambitions, no lofty ideals, and that is what makes him so dangerous. he wants to be amused. he wants to be stimulated. he wants to observe a world in which things happen.

ostensibly, this is not as selfish a motivation as it may seem. as a healer, raphael knows something that many do not: serenity cannot exist in perpetuity. it is impossible for the world to remain unchanged⁠—even if the change is not evident, it is happening. an eternal peace is all but a stagnation of the kingdom; the only thing stagnation breeds is degradation. the angels are weakening because they are not being challenged. michael and the virtues may be doing extensive research to find an alternate explanation, but raphael knows this to be the truth. 

of course, the irony underlying the selfless explanation of raphael’s motivations reveals the truth of the matter: it is a farce. perhaps it is a lie that raphael has even convinced himself he believes, but it is farcical nonetheless. raphael claims he wants to invoke change because stagnation is dangerous, but riddle me this⁠—if this is true, why has raphael never changed? centuries upon centuries have passed, and the world has changed around him, but raphael himself has remained largely unchanged. he is the orchestrator of change, not its agent nor its subject, and that is just the way he would like things to stay.

Character Traits

CHARISMATIC - there’s a reason very few have cottoned on to raphael’s true nature, and it’s not (just) his pretty face and magical girl-esque aura. there’s something effortlessly captivating about raphael, a pace to his cadence that has you hanging on to his every word, a lightness to his smile that makes you want to coax it out whenever and however you can. everything about raphael puts people at ease, except for his eyes, which tend to put people on edge if he’s not careful. he’s not gregarious or the outgoing sort of charismatic by any means, but he does manage to exude an overwhelming charisma.

PATIENT - it’s important to remember that before raphael turned on god, he waited for him. raphael performed healings for centuries and never raised a hand against his father in that time. think of all the angels that fell, that rebelled; raphael was not among them. no, raphael played the dutiful son, allowing his resentment to fester and boil deep underneath his skin, but never to surface. for centuries he served loyally, biding his time. remember: lucifer fell. raphael did not. which one killed god? as i mentioned in the plot section, raphael will wait a million days for rome to be built to witness the single day it burns. prolonged suffering is perhaps the most beautiful of all. fortitude goes hand-and-hand with patience.

INTELLIGENT - in a few ways. raphael is well-studied, with extensive knowledge of biology and chemistry and history and politics. raphael is emotionally intelligent; he hides his true nature behind a veneer constructed to meet expectations. he may not be as talented as gabriel in this regard, but it is a skillful construction nonetheless.

MANIPULATIVE - i mean. yeah.

ARROGANT - he thinks he’s smarter than god???????????????? tbf god was a bit of a headass in this universe but we’ve all read enough tragedies to know where this kind of hubris ends up going.

CRUEL - there’s a bit to unpack here. i’d argue that there are two types of cruelty: malicious cruelty and callous cruelty. raphael is certainly capable of both, but i think he embodies the latter. with certain notable exceptions, raphael’s cruelty is rarely personal; it is a thoughtless sort of cruelty, the type inflicted upon beings considered expendable. raphael is selfish and petty and powerful, and these traits coalesce into a casual cruelty. 

In-Character Para Sample cw: light gore

Look at how they look at him. God’s good little lambs, lined up all in a row, passive and pliant and patiently awaiting benediction. Patiently waiting for Raphael. 

Raphael hates them.

No. This is false. It is difficult for Raphael to muster up stronger feelings toward mortals than a vague sort of amusement, the sort of affinity one might have for a particularly stupid kit when it does something surprisingly clever. In this regard, he understands that he differs from his kin. Gabriel, in particular, has developed a particular fondness for the mortals. Why anyone would wish to strip mortals of their most fascinating behavior⁠—to the point of openly defying their Father⁠—is beyond Raphael. He has given up on trying to reason with his brother on the matter. 

The first supplicant is beckoned forward. They pray to the Lord and Raphael touches their forehead with one palm, cups their chin with the other. His fingers splay carelessly around a throat all but bared to him and the ceremony is so mechanical Raphael allows his thoughts to wander⁠. 

How easy it would be to tighten his grip. How beautiful it would be, to watch the lamb’s naive adoration flash into fear, to watch fear darken into betrayal and resentment and the most beautiful emotion of all: despair. He can feel the pulse at his fingertips. It would quicken in a stress response, he knows. It would quicken, then it would pound, and then maybe it would stop.  It all falls to Raphael’s whim. In this moment, Raphael holds their life in his hands. They have all but laid on his sword for the promise of absolution and when they look up at Raphael with their dumb, trusting eyes he can see the sparkling tracks where tears once fell, down the hollow of a cheek into the pool of a collarbone. He finds himself overcome with the desire to trace the fall with his tongue. “Give me your pain,” he murmurs. Let me taste it. Let me understand. 

He takes it. He does not taste it. He does not understand.

He releases the mortal. Those beautiful tear tracks are already fading. “The Lord be with you,” he says, and perhaps he even means it. His Father’s gaze burns into his back, even from a world away. He’d laugh at the irony, were he free to. Is this the weight you so desire? he wants to ask the devotee. No, Raphael knows the truth: God’s love is a shackle. God’s love is a leash and it is holding Raphael back from his fullest potential.

“And also with you,” the lamb responds. Their head is bowed obediently in prayer and they shuffle away, appropriately awed. The next supplicant is beckoned forward.

The light of Raphael’s presence obfuscates the darkness in his eyes.

— 

Later, much later, Raphael finds himself studying his hands. He flexes them, balls them into fists, stretches his fingers as far as they will spread. 

How easy it would be to tighten his grip.

The hand is at once an individual unit and a summation of individual parts. The hand contains twenty-seven bones and thirty-four muscles connected by over a hundred ligaments and tendons. Wrists connect to metacarpals, which connect to carpals, which taper off into delicate phalanges. Individually, each of these parts are largely useless; were Raphael to take a scalpel and drag it through a tendon, across the joints, the strings would be cut and the puppetry would cease to dance. You would be left with a small pile of carpals and metacarpals and phalanges, loose strings of muscle and tendon. At times, it is difficult to fathom how such mundane component parts are the instruments of extraordinary acts.

Raphael flexes his hand, watches bone shift under skin. If he remembers correctly, mortals have an idiom about knowing your hands, or something along those lines. He will not pretend to be familiar with mortal culture. Did you know that, wings aside, mortals and angels all have the same bone structure? 

Of course you did. It is common knowledge that God made all beings in His image, or so the story goes. 

This is an easy answer, but one with interesting implications. Let us extrapolate. If mortals and angels are essentially biological mirrors, and each are made in the image of God, does that mean that God will bleed like His creations? Slide a scalpel across God’s knuckles—will His puppets cease to dance?

Raphael could find out. It would take only a single blade, sliced through a single tendon. 

Now, Raphael is not so arrogant to believe himself the blade. He would not even consider himself the hand. Such a role requires a particular kind of conviction—

( —and that sort of conviction is made manifest in bitter disillusionment⁠—the sort inflicted upon Michael. How easy it would be to find himself in his brother’s ear, whispering of their Father’s capriciousness and the unnecessary cruelty that resulted for the poor, poor humans— )

( —and that sort of conviction is made manifest in righteous anger⁠—the sort inflicted upon Gabriel. How easy it would be to find himself in his brother’s ear, whispering of their Father’s neglect and the unnecessary cruelty that resulted for the poor, poor humans— )

( —and that sort of conviction is made manifest in a whetted hunger⁠—the sort God gifted to each of His angels. Hunger breeds hunters and heaven is full— )

—that Raphael simply cannot embody. Rage has never been his forte. 

Consider, however, that the hand is controlled by nerve impulses. A spark is all the hand needs to transform from a collection of bone to an agent of action. Yes. He clenches his fists. Here are the bones, the veins, the tendons, the muscle. Angels and mortals all share the same bone structure.

Does God?

Extras

pinterest.

raphael has classically beautiful wings. i’m talking TEXTBOOK cherubic angel wings, with the sweeping white feathers and all. raphael kind of hates them, though he takes a great deal of pride in them.

raphael doesn’t have a signature weapon. he’s proficient with blades, yes, and fights with a surgeon’s precision, not the strongest nor the fastest but eerily efficient in his blows. but he is a healer—at the end of the day, his empty hands are all he needs. (his empty hands are what you should fear.)

raphael hates the heretics pro forma but. but. he cannot deny a certain...fondness for them. the heretics exhibited such dedication to a futile cause; they believed their suffering to be something noble. it’s a laughable notion, certainly, but a sentiment so distinctly human it’s almost charming. should they wish to return, to throw themselves on the knife over and over and over, well. raphael shall not complain. he shall smile beatifically, perhaps abate their suffering, even⁠—and watch them do it again. 

in a modern au, raphael is a reality tv producer. ok actually he’s probably a surgeon but i think he’d make a very good reality tv producer. alternately, there is a universe out there where raph fixated on like...baking, or k-pop, instead of suffering. those are good timelines, i think. maybe not the k-pop stan timeline.

raphael is the living embodiment of that dwight schrute “we need a new plague” meme.

[malereader-inserts]

Love is a Fragile Dance

Fandom: Good Omens Pairing: Crowley x Male!Reader x Aziraphale Summary: The two were very respectful of your boundaries, but it seemed like everyone was dancing around each other Word Count: 1,836 Request: (1) So after just finishing GO, I would start armageddon for Ineffable Husbands X Reader where the reader has to get used to affection (Especially from Azira). Thank you! (2)If you want angsty here is some. I’m hella mad at this guy I like because he said why are u so guarded and closed off like seriously!!!! I have reasons and I don’t have to fucking tell him. You can put this in whatever fandom I just had to get this off my chest. Warning: Mentions of past relationship abuse, touch starved A/n: yes, I would also start the end of the word for Ineffable Husbands. Also, fuck that guy, I was gonna make Crowley the bad guy but I just couldn’t. asdfghjkl so frustrated my angst isn’t working out well.

You were a standoffish person in general.

And it didn’t help that you were a touch starved person, yearning and craving affection. You just didn’t know how to cope with it because sometimes in the back of your mind, even just the simplest of touchest repulsed you. You knew you weren’t touched repulsed because any sensation didn’t make you feel sick or like it was some burning sensation.

Everything is complicated when you are a closed-off person, you had a rough past and it’s hard to connect to people, coming to terms with people you like was even tougher as you think about the past, you’re terrified to let yourself out there and be free. 

Which is why you’ve been ignoring both Crowley and Aziraphale’s advances towards you.

You love them, your heart had decided, but your mind was feeding too much to your demons which sat on your shoulders whispering the dirty things. They’ve told you that they would love to pursue a relationship with you, but you always come apprehensive, were you ready to be loved again?

And you were apprehensive about the two being entities, and one of them being a demon. You’ve seen it first hand and heard it from Aziraphale, Crowley is somewhat “nice” for a demon, but nevertheless, he sometimes loses himself and slips up.

But, you realise, sometimes, humans are just worse than demons.

“Does it matter to you?” You asked bitterly as your friend, Gryffin, sat across you with a look, “You know exactly why-”

“No, I do not!” He exclaims as you scoffed - some friend he was, “All I want to know is why you just don’t put yourself out there anymore, one bad relationship-”

“It was more than bad, Gryffin,” You hissed as Aziraphale and Crowley enter the dessert shop, immediately turning when they hear your voice. Despite the place being busy and loud they could always trace your voice which was slowly turning upset, “You can’t just tell me to get over it.”

“Why not?” 

You’ve been friends with Gryffin for a few years now, but tonight he was truly showing you his true colours. You don’t know why you were even meeting him, you could tell it was going to go sour the moment he was about to mention your love life.

“You’re so guarded and closed off,” He scoffs, rolling his eyes as you cowered down and locking your jaw, both in anger and in fear.

This movement was not missed by Crowley, who was watching you whilst Aziraphale was quickly ordering, Crowley was feeling the negative vibes from you, he was a demon so he could feel the strongest negative emotions and currently, it was coming from you rather than the crying girl who had been broken up. 

“I barely know you anymore (Y/n),” He continues, shaking his head as he continues to sip on his milkshake whilst you timidly sink lower into your seat, “We want to be updated in your life, what’s good?”

“I-” You looked at him in disgust, yet Crowley could see from afar that you were masking the fear of slipping up around your friend.

Aziraphale returns with drinks and immediately turns to see what Crowley was staring at. He immediately picks up how you’re tense, shoulders stiff, yet cowering away. He sees that you’ve closed up your bubble and he looks his boyfriend in concern.

“I’m going to run that man out, I don’t care if (Y/n) says anything...” Crowley grits his teeth, “It’s unbelievable, Angel, the negativity is all from them.”

You looked at your friend who was still talking, “What’s up with your relationship status? I’ve noticed that you’ve been single for two years now.”

The two supernatural entities kept their ears peeled as they hear you take a sharp intake of air. Your hands tremble as you try to prepare yourself for the next vicious blow of judgement and you couldn’t even attempt to stop it.

“Get’s hit once by an ex-boyfriend and suddenly you’re screaming abuse,” He scoffs, shaking his head and that was the final snap for your actual friends as you froze in the spot, “Get over yourself (Y/n).”

“Hey, dick!” Crowley growled, making you snap your head at his direction, “That’s really shitty behaviour.”

You were surprised to see him there but Aziraphale couldn’t help but noticed how you flinched at the tone of Crowley. He carefully taps you, and motions for you to move out of the conflict. 

Aziraphale doesn’t want to touch you, he sees how you jumped when he touches you. He follows you out, giving Crowley a look, before keeping an eye on you. He noticed that you sit down by the curb, by the Bentley. Your arms wrapped around yourself in the cold harsh autumn weather, London was facing.

Aziraphale shrugs off his coat and gently puts it on you, you smile up at him with softness as he sits next to you. He smiles wider when he sees you tug on his coat closer to him. 

“Thanks, Azira,” You softly say as he nods, “You probably want to eat your crepes whilst we’re waiting for Crowley.”

Aziraphale blushed as you hummed, looking anywhere but him. Crowley comes out after five minutes and sits on the other side of you, he lets out a huff and turns to look at you and his boyfriend.

“Well,” His tone is softer, and his heart breaks when he sees you relax because you shouldn’t even be afraid around him, “He won’t be bothering you anymore, think you’re better off without him.”

“Yeah...” You breathed out, sending him a tired sad smile, “Thank you, Crowley.”

There was silence between the three of you, the two entities not wanting to push you. But, their presence was just enough for you.

“Sorry about that,” You mumbled at the two turns to face you but you were comfortable at least not making any direct eye contact to them, “I-”

“Hey,” Crowley soothes you before you worked yourself up, “You don’t need to tell us anything unless you’re ready. We’re patient.”

You nodded before smiling, “Of course, you waited for Aziraphale, didn’t you?” Crowley and Aziraphale blushed but smile at each other, “I just want to say thank you again, I’ve been trying but it’s hard.”

“And no one is forcing you to do it, my love,” Aziraphale says, you were safe in the nickname he’s decided for you, “We’ll be by your side until you’re ready.”

“Come on, love, we have to get home before you get yourself hypothermia,” Crowley teased as he stands up, lending you a hand with caring eyes. You looked at Aziraphale, who nods.

You were safe.

Aziraphale was quick to pick up how much you wanted affection, but you were so hesitant into asking. Whilst he hadn’t known much of your past, he could infer that it wasn’t the best so he tried to do it in small doses, sometimes you would barely notice, but by the reaction of your body - it seems to give good reviews.

There would be times he would drape a blanket on you, comfort and smells like him and Crowley, which you subconsciously coo. He smiles at you when you turn embarrassed but he noticed how grateful your eyes shine.

Aziraphale made it benefit you and him, he likes seeing how your eyes sparkle happiness.

Sometimes, he would offer his hand and you two would hold hands walking in St James Park when Crowley wasn’t around. Sometimes Aziraphale would open his arms to invite you for a hug, he offers but never forced. He initiates the affection but waits for you to be comfortable, and never feels offended when you decline.

You barely decline the offer as you thrive in his affection like when he holds on longer than usual in a hug, when he softly kisses your temple. Even a simple brush of the hand.

Crowley gets told by Aziraphale about your situation, and like you, he was in the same boat. Craving and wanting affection but afraid to ask. Yet, when he’s around you, he never fails to at least give you something. Like when it’s just you and him, he would have his arm thrown over your shoulder like he was your shield of protection. 

Like Aziraphale, he has a tendency to open his arms to offer your hugs, no words spoken as you dive into his embrace. Sometimes Crowley turns into your snake and sits upon your shoulders and wrapped around your neck, hissing at anyone that seems to come with negative energy towards you. 

Between the three of you, there was an unspoken agreement about dating.

You couldn’t hide that you loved them when Aziraphale can detect love radiating from you, you were all dancing around each other. In respect to you.

When you come bouncing into the bookshop with the brightest smile, the two entities cannot help but smile and melt at your sunny aura, in the winter of England.

It had been a few months since the incident, you’ve got back on your feet and you were radiating such love and happiness that Crowley cannot but help to almost vomit due to his demonic nature.

“What’s got you all happy?” Crowley asked, scrunching up his nose in disgust as you rolled your eyes.

“Don’t listen to him, boy, he’s just happy to see you happy,” Aziraphale waves his boyfriend off, whilst Crowley sticks his tongue out in all good fun nature. 

“Well, I’m ready,” You announced as the two paused to look at you, making sure they had heard you right, “I ready for us and to tell you everything about me, if you would have me?”

The two broke out grins as Crowley picks you up and spins you around, you laugh out loud that the two supernatural entities feel at ease. 

“Of course, we’ll have you!” Crowley shouted, putting you down and squeezing your cheeks before kissing your nose, “We’ll forever have you!”

“I’ll get the kettle running, it’ll be a long afternoon!” Aziraphale exclaims, “And some snacks.”

“I’ll get the blankets and pillows,” Crowley announced as the two rifles through the bookshop as you found yourself beaming at their antics.

“You two...” You hummed softly, shaking your head in amusement.

“Oh, my love?” Aziraphale says as you stare at the two of them who stand side by side. Aziraphale on the right whilst Crowley occupied the left.

“We’re proud of you,” They spoke in unison as you tilted your head and eyes soften at the words.

“Damn it guys, I shouldn’t start crying now, we haven’t even-” You chuckled, sniffing, “I love you guys.”

The two let out a glorious noise of happiness as they motioned you to the backroom. You found yourself wedged in between the angel and demon, comfortably safe. You relaxed as you held your mug of hot beverage. The two listen carefully, love is a fragile dance but in the end, it’s worth it.

[teddystrap]

Drama CD: [幽幻ロマンチカ・破天荒] 第弐の謎 獏 ウタシロ

First post of 2020!!!! Happy New Year, and a special treat for all my lovelies - here is a bonus audio track from Yuugen Romantica's Utashiro (cv. Kimura Ryouhei). Remember, whenever you are feeling sad or down, he is always by your side. Just call out to him in your dream and he will be here...

This time the subtitle is hatenkou, which refers to a major feat that has never been accomplished before. The common theme seems to be that your demon boyfriend goes back in time to rewrite a tragic past event into a happier one using his magical powers and the strength of your love.

Oh wow, looks like I just spoiled the whole story? End of review. Bye bye (*^-^)/

...

(No srsly let's get started.)

This disc starts with three glass explosions [[#VOLUMEWARNING]] to make sure I was listening I guess... #RIPeardrums... ;_;

Anyway, you have a nightmare that you are in a creepy dark room. The ceiling is lined with needles and coming down on you, and Utashiro tells you that you have to escape before the candle burns out. He counts down to zero seconds and the ceiling collapses with a BANG,... but he tells you that the game is not over. It will just infinite-loop back to the beginning, until you are able to escape...

You wake up drenched in sweat, in your own bed/room with U-kun sleeping beside you. He comforts you and figures you must be nervous about the school camping trip tomorrow.

*

Next morning, ya'll head off on the trip. He disguises himself as a student and comes along to protect you, ofc. He's complaining about everything from the choice of location (deep in the woods), to the amount of food+cooking materials ya'll have to carry, blah blah. Better shut him up by sticking my tongue down his throat ;)

Apparently there's the rumours of the Seven Supernaturals nearby. He wonders whether to *make those rumours a reality* and scare the shit out of your classmates. This prompts you to throw food (and utensils?) at him, so he possesses you and touches you in a few non-erotic places, and you totally freeze and blush because apparently you are some kind of virginal Victorian maiden whose momma never told you how babies are made. Orz

At night you go to the bathroom and find him waiting outside for you. Turns out he has been sensing some *demonic energy* in this place. He possesses your body and rushes you back to the bungalow for some sexy fun times.

Back in the room, the girls are excited and stay up chatting late into the night. They ask you what you like most about your boyfriend, and to U-kun's horror, you happily tell them about the time he waited for you at the station with an umbrella when it was raining :3. He's sooo mortally embarrassed that he puts everyone to sleep with his demon powers. #useful #powersIwishIhad

With everyone down, however, you can't sleep because of the nightmare from last night. You tell U-kun about it, but he doesn't sense any 'nightmare vibes' from your dream. He thinks it's either: (1) a premonition, or (2) someone hacking into your dream with their evil plan. Then he changes into chibi form to comfort you, and ya'll fall asleep...

*

...And enter the 'nightmare'. The setting is an old house. There's Japanese dolls rolling around, paper amulets and blood bags lining the walls. U-kun still doesn't feel any 'nightmarish vibes' from it, and he tries to get you both out of there with his demon powers but guess what - IT'S NOT WORKING!! Dozen of lit candles appear, and bloody writing on the wall says: 「ここから出られるかな」 ('Can you get out of here?')

U-kun is all like: 'CHALLENGE ACCEPTED >:)' and yells at the dream-maker to leave you alone. Suddenly, the candles blow out. A timer starts, and you notice that the ceiling - which is gradually lowering - is lined with needles. U-kun tries and fails to blast through the locked door, and, panicking, he finally blows up the ceiling just in time. The two of you narrowly escape, by hiding in a corner where the fallen needles cannot reached.

You wake up in the bungalow, and U-kun notices that your hand has been scraped by the needles from the dream (i.e. if you had died in the dream, you would have died for real). U-kun kisses you wound and apologises for not being able to protect you with his powers. Then he tells you to keep awake for the next few hours, to avoid any bad 'after-effects' of the dream.

*

In the daytime, your class go hiking, and the two of you drop rank and stumble upon an open space in the woods. U-kun *generously* offers his knees for you to lay your head and make up your sleep from last night. Awwww~~~ (dies from kyun).

As you fall asleep, he kisses your lips to taste what kind of dream you are having. Just then, he senses a strong demonic force nearby...

That night, the two of you once again enter the recurrent 'nightmare'. U-kun asks the dream-maker why it's doing this to you, and the bloody writing on the wall appears again: 「ここから出られるかな」 ...Ya'll start running, but find that every room in the house is the exact same. Cloth appears and tie up both your bodies, and U-kun cuts them off with his powers, causing everything to return to peace and quiet.

U-kun immediately possesses your body to comfort you. He remembers back when the entire baku race died before his eyes, and vows to protect his loved ones and never let that happen again. Just then, he senses some uncertainty coming from the dream-maker, as you have remained unafraid despite repeated threats. Insert *inspirational speech* about how you are a fearless #sassygirl and u gonna get to the bottom of dis shit.

...You wake up back in the bungalow. U-kun is wondering if you have successfully escaped, and if your next 'nightmare' will be fatal, when he notices that you are actually holding a f-ing candle from the 'dream'. It's impossible to take objects out of a dream, which means that... OMG that is no f-ing dream!!! The horror house exists in reality. Dun-dun-DUN.

*

*

The two of you trek back to the open space from the previous day. There is an info sign that you missed before, of a hospital that was torn down around 100 years ago. The lingering spirits from this place must be kidnapping people in the dead of night and making it look like a 'nightmare'.

Over a century ago, a natural disaster caused many people to be admitted to this hospital. However, the treatment did not seem to be working, and their moans of pain could be heard every night. After the hospital was demolished, word spread of people living nearby being trapped in nightmares of this hospital: the rumours of the 'Escape Game', one of the Seven Wonders.

So, the mystery is finally revealed. The 'nightmare' is the work of the demon which has been spawned by the pain and anguish of the patients of this hospital. Demons are formed from the strong emotions of people, and this demon takes the shape of the hospital building.

To stop the threat to any more innocent lives, U-kun decides to destroy this demon... by himself. He reveals that he has felt known from the beginning that a love between a baku and a human would experience untraversable obstacles, and he would undertake all the pain to give you happiness.

*Of course* you could never be happy if anything happened to him, so you insist to tag along. He warns that he could be wrong and you might both die. But your reply gives him strength, he thanks you and apologises for trying to be the lone hero. And with that, you are off into the belly of the shark--!!!

*

Once again, you land in the horror house after falling asleep. U-kun announces to the demon that he knows its true form - that the knife attacks were actually surgical knives, the needles were for injection, and the cloths were bandages. His correct predictions send the demon into a state of panic once again. It sends out more surgical knives, which U-kun shields you from.

Turns out, the bloody writing on the wall is not an escape challenge, but rather an honest question: 「ここから出られるかな」 ('Can WE get out of here?'). The demon is not an embodiment of pain and anguish, but rather born out of hope, continually searching for someone who can reassure the patients that they will recover and be discharged from this place.

In the climax, he tells the demon that it can cut the two of you with a gajillion medical instruments, but it will never break your spirits. That the demon can be saved, and that is why you are here: to save it.

...

You are transported back in time to when the hospital was still running: patients lying in their beds, their faces distorted from the frightening dreams they are having every night. U-kun decides to help them by eating all their nightmares - to restore their happiness in the midst of despair, just like you did for him when he thought he had lost it all.

After eating all the patients' nightmares, their fears become soothed, and the dream-demon can be laid to rest eternally. The two of you wake up back in the open space, and it looks exactly the same as before. U-kun asks you if he actually managed to change anything, and you tell him: regardless of whether he did, the most important thing is to have faith.

Soon, it will be dawn. Cherry blossoms fall like snow from the surrounding trees, as if the patients are waving goodbye.

*

[Epilogue] The legend of the 'Escape Room Game' has changed: When the casualties of the disaster were moaning in the hospital at night, a baku came and saved them from their nightmares and soothed their fears. But whether all of them recovered and made it out of the hospital is anyone's guess.

At the end, U-kun thanks you for wishing for his happiness, and he now believes that he can find happiness too - together with you, of course!! *KISS*

[prorevenge]

Management tries to fire me, I turn the tables. - Redux

This story is totally true, I think I still even have some of the certificates of appreciation in storage. I am not sure why some find it so unbelievable that a person wouldn't keep files and act professional. I have no reason to lie, I just wanted to share a true account of how I was almost fired and turned the tables on a bad Supervisor and Manager.

I had a manager try and fire me for being rude to a caller. The caller wanted us to call internationally to confirm insurance. I asked the current floor supervisor if we could and he said no, so I told the caller we couldn't. She ended the call and I went to ask the supervisor if there was anything we could do and was told we could not. I asked him to e-mail that answer to me and he did.

I got called in and was told that I was unprofessional on the phones and that I was not following correct procedures and that I was being investigated with consideration that I would be fired. My supervisor had no spine so was in agreement that I needed to be fired. I was told we do not ever tell a member no, and that she had spoken with the supervisor who told me to say no, and he denied it and claimed I never asked him.

Luckily I had 3 years of weekly e-mails I saved and printed out that showed me, every Thursday, asking my supervisor if I was doing okay on the phones, how I could improve, and if there were any classes I could take to improve my skill and knowledge. Every reply was praise with how well I was doing, how I was being considered as or doing well as a trainer (I became one after a year), and had reviews of my work attached. Every single QA review gave me 100% scores, and I was the ONLY one on the whole team who consistently got 100% reviews. I also had a large file full of customer compliments, where they asked to speak with a supervisor to praise my work and then I am given a certificate. I also included the e-mail from the supervisor who instructed me to say no.

I quietly put this all together in an inch thick file, and made three copies.

I was called back to discuss my reprehensible behavior and to review calls I had made as "evidence" of my bad service.

As we listened the Manager pointed out how cold and emotionless I sounded. I agreed that it could have been taken this way if one were to look for a problem, but my phone voice is always calm and careful so that I am easily understood. I have been told how much it is appreciated by our callers since we mostly deal with the elderly and doctors offices and they appreciated that my information was clearly presented, since misunderstandings can be very bad. I had customer compliments that often included appreciation for the way I spoke.

Three out of five of the calls we reviewed she said were the worst interactions she had ever heard. I said that was odd since I had a certificate for all three calls, signed by my supervisor and her, and certificates weren't given out until the call was listened to. The other two"problematic" calls were ones where I had received a 100% score by the QA department.

So I asked "Well, my supervisor is telling me weekly that I am doing the best on the team, the QA department is telling me I am always meeting 100% of my goals, and the customers are giving me positive reviews...soooo....if my attitude has been such a problem for so long why wasn't it addressed before?" No answer. I demanded to know why this issue was allowed to continue for so long. The manager asked me to return to my desk, but asked that I leave my folder of evidence for review, which I did.

I went to lunch and when I returned I was told there was a "computer error" that wiped my e-mail profile and all saved e-mails from my e-mail account and my computer had been reformatted to "fix" the error. I asked the Supervisor about it and she said she needed to talk to manager. I was called in again and told that without any evidence to back up my claims of 100% QA scores and my customer appreciation certificates they had no choice but to move forward. I asked where my printed copy went to and manager claimed she didn't have it and that I had never given her a copy.

So I pulled out another copy of all the paperwork and explained that deleting it off my computer didn't delete my copies, nor the copies she had no access to on the company cloud, which is where I backed up my information daily. Something that was so uncommon the supervisor didn't even know it was something we could do.

I then asked for an HR representative, and manager said I waived my right to having an HR rep present when I didn't ask for one at the start of this mess. I said the matter should be put to rest and Manager said SHE was the one who decided this as SHE was the one in charge. She also handed me a write-up and demanded I sign it. I took the time to read it and of course it had me admitting that I was 100% at fault and that I would not retaliate in the slightest regardless of action. It wasn't even on the companies disciplinary form, it was written in Word.

I was done, I decided to just go with the nuclear option. Instead of quietly trying to talk to HR I went far above their heads.

I grabbed the write up and walked out. Manager went to stop me until she saw me walk into the office of the director of all the call centers in the company, a guy who was magnitudes above her and who I was on friendly terms with. He asked what was up and I told him that Manager was in the process of trying to fire me. I gave him the write-up and my folder of evidence and he went from friendly disinterest to dead serious. 30 minutes later he finished reviewing everything and said "Follow me".

We returned to the Managers office and she turned white when Director told Manager to call in Supervisor and HR . He kept asking her what she was trying to do, why she was going after me, and why she felt it was okay to try and delete evidence from my computer. He never yelled, he would ask her a question and then patiently wait for an answer, which she couldn't give. Whenever she would bring me up or look at me Director would say something like "No, don't look at him, you and I are talking right now!" When Supervisor arrived he did the same to her. No answers, just stammering and half excuses.

HR arrived and Manager jumped to speak over me to give her side. Supervisor did the same once Manager was done. They were clearly trying to run out the clock since HR was a small department and had blocked out time for meetings. I finally mentioned this and the HR person said that they had canceled all other meetings today and she would be there as long as it took to get to the bottom of the issue. Manager looked enraged, Supervisor looked pale and terrified.

I was then taken to a separate office to give my side. Manager said she had the right to be there and the Director told her and Supervisor that they had the right to sit there and wait. Both were told they were not to leave until he told them they could, because both were known to disappear and go home if any problems happened on the floor.

HR, Director, and I had a nice chat. We went over my evidence and call history, listened to the call the started the whole landslide, and then asked if there was anything I think I could have done better. I said that I could have asked a different supervisor for help. I used the HR persons laptop to pull up my stuff I had saved on the cloud and there it was, document after document proving my side, e-mails from Supervisor, e-mails from Manager all praising me. Proof of my 100% QA's, everything. Director was almost gleeful that he finally had something concrete because there had been complaints about the Manager and Supervisor, but those complaining never did anything. He called the QA manager in and got a statement about my QA scores and how I was professional 100% of the time, and pulled in supervisors from other teams who confirmed I was a pleasure to work with and always went above and beyond to help.

It felt pretty good to know I was actually appreciated by people who matter. You don't get that often in a call center environment.

They agreed I had done nothing wrong and asked that as far as they were concerned the matter was closed for me, but they would be looking into Manager and Supervisor. They couldn't tell me anything officially of course.

Manager and Supervisor got official disciplinary actions with threat to terminate if they were caught doing this again, ever. The Supervisor was demoted and transferred out of the department completely. I heard that it basically ruined her career with the company since the actions were so serious. Manager ended up moving to a different office at lower pay and about 40 minutes farther from her home because her actions against me opened the flood gates against her and she could be fired or take the far worse position. She ended up quitting after about a month.

Why did Supervisor and Manager decide they hated me? I don't know exactly what caused it, but apparently they had problems with me for a couple years, and would talk to other employees about me behind my back about what a lazy and bad employee I was. Of course some people agreed, that's the nature of the beast, but it was rewarding to know that most of them disagree.

Keep your paper trail folks, and be friendly with upper management.

(source) story by (/u/thematgreen)

[shinahbee]

October Favorites 2020!

Hello!

i'm going to start bringing these favorites of the month from my deviantart to here on tumblr. Hopefully you will find something good out of the things that I have been liking recently, please leave in the comments anything that you have been liking this month ( books, manga, anime, tv shows...etc) I have been a little uninspired for a while, but I'm still working on a few new digital art pieces as well as continuing my painting hobby, so there's a lot of content on the way!

okay so on to the things that I've been liking this month.

So if you've seen my latest digital art " who's baby is it?" I have been delving into web toons which I have not read other than mo dao zu shi since I watched the anime and It just suddenly stopped after season 2. I thought reading the web toon would answer some of those questions  i had. It lead me to reading a bunch of webtoons all in the shounen ai category for some reason...lol. and I've been really liking some of the stories, Until this point web toons never really interested me since I've been reading manga since I was younger , so i've been used to just seeing the black and white pages of art, since web toons have coloured pages, it makes me appreciate the effort they used to colour every panel, so a lot of work went into these so i appreciate it for what it is even if the story inst great.

let me preface by saying that even though i'm delving into BL, i've been exposed to yaoi ever since I was in high school by one of my best friends, she lent me her favorite anime which was " gravitation" and all remember was wanting a man that was like yuki...lol. don't we all?

since then I have been reading some yaoi manga...only ones that are NOT predicated on sexual violence and abuse, which I know is prevalent in this category, I just don't like it and the message it sends, so i avoid that all together.

unless of course it has a particular message it wants to convey, not glorifying it. if that makes sense.

okay so here are my recommendations, i'll give a very brief summary of each of them

Manga/Manhwa:

----------------------------------------------

Who's baby is it? 

- “a man named yi yun wanted to be an actor and is part of an acting company for several years and still was not successful, apparently it was because he was born with really bad luck, so to change his life perspective he decided that he wanted to be a surrogate father and donate his sperm to a surrogate mother in order to have a child that is his blood. So he and his child were living happily together through yi yuns work periods and suddenly there is a man that claims he is the child's actual blood related father and wanted to take the child into his custody.”

please read the summary I have in my fan art, I've wrote my thoughts on this manhwa.

To be or not to be

-  “A company president diagnosed with cancer and died has been transmigrated into his favorite novel, where he was reborn as the antagonistic emperor that the main character defeats in the end, on top of which the main lead is currently the captive of said emperor, so in order to survive he will do anything to protect the protagonist and make sure he stays alive inside the novels universe.”

oh to be or not to be that is the question...lol. it really is. currently is is one of my favorites, I like how modern day people  can look at the acts of history and modify certain things so that it would less likey repeat itself for the worse, we need this sort of mentality at this moment...

Social temperature

- “Song Yuan is indifferent when dealing with people he is an elite student at T- university as a science major, one day his friend started to question his sexuality and set him up with a month trial dating app as a joke, as soon as he went to delete the app on his phone, he was suddenly matched with a boy named "Mu", who turns out to be his classmate/ rival in his science program, his named is Xaio Mu , he is an exchange student abroad and got into this elite science program, hoping to meet new friends he approached song yuan and proceed to converse with him only to be ridiculed by him saying that he wears too much perfume and it made him sick so then he became the class social outcast.But after using the app to converse with "Mu"...song yuan became curious as to what he is actually like...using the fake name and bio of " Andrew " they start to get to know each other more.”

omg , this is triggering for me, since Mu is basically me a few years ago when I was also in a medical science program minus the talking on tinder thing lol, I felt as though everyone in that program was in it for themselves and I didn't not like the how people think they are entitled to everything...that's why i'm not in it no more.lol. there are a few plot holes in the story that I don't really get but other than that I really like this story I read the chapters that are out so far like 3 times cause I'm waiting for the rest to be translated. I also actually read the Novel by the same author of the manhua called " social outcast" so if you just want to read it in text format please read that novel instead, I like the novel up to a point and then it didn't really make sense after wards..lol.

so i can't say that i recommended it completely. Also Mu's character design I really like, thus i'm going to make a fan art of him soon...omg he's so beautiful, i'm in love lol.

Salad Days  ( tang liu zang) 

- “This is the story between a young innocent ballet boy and a passionate, determined boxing boy. The two met at the children’s palace, and since then, they have grown up together supporting each other. May there be hardships, may there be obstacles, yet they never stopped pursuing their dreams. The beauty of the salad days is the sweat from the hard work and the bonding of friendship. Although they have completely different paths set up for them, what never changes is their beautiful friendship.”

wow this story so far is really beautiful, I was in ballet for 3  years so it was slightly relatable to me, I feel like the over all message is that people sacrifice a lot for their dreams and if you are very passionate about it, there's no on that can really stop you, the only one that can stop you is you. I can't wait to see this story progress further  

K-dramas:

------------------------------------------

it okay to not be okay - this probably has been mentioned as everyone's favorite, but rightfully so, I really like ko mun young's character as a person who seems like an assertive and powerful woman, but is suffering from a social disorder. and how moon gang tae has to not only deal with mental patients at his job but also his older brother being autistic, he himself is suffering from mental illness. this drama is  something not a lot of dramas portray in dealing with mental illness and how the patients/ loved ones  are feeling when watching them go through it all. I liked the story and the message  and it made me cry in every episode, so fair warning...have tissues beside you as you watch.

itaewon class- I was not going to watch this because of the mixed reviews but I did any ways, and it was really good, a really good depiction of how money and power isn't the end all be all , and being happy  is really the best revenge you can get, it also addresses racism and prejudice on one character and sexism on a trans-gendered woman. I also think this is a story that protrays something that really hasn't been exposed to in k-dramas specifically. It depends on your morals and what you understand so far in your life wether you would like this drama or not, so i understand the mixed reviews that it gets, but for me it was a really good story.

Anime/ TV shows:

---------------------------------------------

I don't have any anime recommendations this month mainly cause I have not been watching any, but there are some that i might watch soon  so I will list those below, let mew know if any of you have seen them and should I be watching them.

- Nobelese

-yasha hime ( inuyasha  new series)

-Haikyuu  new season

-heavens official blessing ( same author of mo dao zushi) - just started watching

-scum bag saving system- just started watching

Music :

----------------------------------

so I have just been listening to a lot of OSTs,

I really recommend the itaewon class soundtrack, all the songs are so good!

my favorite on is " crush- No words "

also my friend has been sending me NCT  and super M practice  videos so I've been listening to their music as well, please listen to make a wish by NCT U, it has been stuck in my head and I cant get it out...lol.

------------------------------

that's all for this October faves summary. please comment below if anything interested you for the month of October, I would also like to read your recommendations as well, please also take care of yourselves especially now with all that's escalating in the world.

take care!

sheena

[dishonoredrpg]

Congratulations, NAY! You’ve been accepted for the role of THE LOVERS with the faceclaim of ASHLEY MOORE. Admin Cas: I think we can all agree that The Lovers is a difficult concept to pin down. It’s a task in itself to balance the devotion they have for The World, her world, while not sacrificing who they are at their core. But, Nay, you were certainly up to the task. There’s something so lovely about Prudence, so beautiful and admirable, but something hungry. So much of her life revolves around The World, but that does not mean that Prudence doesn’t have a story of her own to live out. I particularly enjoyed the way you likened her story unfolding to a caterpillar grows into its chrysalis; to become a butterfly or moth, either is possible. I can’t wait to see what you do with her!

Please review the CHECKLIST and send your blog in within 24 hours.

Out-of-Character.

NAME: nay 

PRONOUNS: she / her

AGE: twenty-two

TIMEZONE, ACTIVITY LEVEL: gmt + 5 ; and i’d say my activity ( especially with quarantine, still ) is at a 7/10. lately, i have been trying to write every day, and that means at least a reply every day – even if posted through queue after being written on a better writing day. 

ANYTHING ELSE?: i wrote this way too quickly, because i suck at being patient and didn’t want to wait a week to turn in an app, so forgive me for the sinful typos committed in my haste! this definitely isn’t as polished as i wish it were. also? there are possibly too many insect-facts in this and if that shit squicks you, i am so sorry.

In-Character.

SKELETON: the lovers

K E Y W O R D S 

UPRIGHT: love, harmony, relationships, values alignment, choices

REVERSED: self-love, disharmony, imbalance, misalignment of values

| source: x

NAME: prudence “prue” luna lockhart

→ ETYMOLOGY ;

P R U D E N C E / “intelligence; discretion, foresight; wisdom to see what is suitable or profitable;” also one of the four cardinal virtues, "wisdom to see what is virtuous;" from Old French prudence (13th Century) and directly from Latin prudentia “a foreseeing, foresight, sagacity, practical judgment,” contraction of providentia “foresight” (see providence). Secondary sense of “wisdom” (late 14th Century) is preserved in jurisprudence.

L U N A / “the moon,” especially personified in the Roman goddess answered to Greek Selene; also, an alchemical name for “silver”; from Latin luna “moon, goddess of the moon,” from PIE *leuksna- (source, also: of Old Church Slavonic luna “moon,” Old Prussian lauxnos “stars,” Middle Irish luan “light, moon”), suffixed form of root *leuk- “light, brightness.” The luna moth (1841, American English) so-called for the crescent-shaped eye-spots on its wings.

L O C K H A R T / Scottish: of uncertain origin, probably from a Germanic personal name composed of the elements loc 'lock', 'bolt' + hard 'hardy', 'brave', 'strong'. English: occupational name for a herdsman in charge of a sheep or cattlefold, from Old English loc 'enclosure', 'fold' + hierde 'herd(er)'.

| sources: x & x

FACECLAIM: zendaya coleman ( or ashley moore or natali litvinova — in order of preference! )

AGE: three-&-twenty for zendaya / four-&-twenty for ashley or natali

→ BIRTHDATE: fantasy-equivalent of july 8th; the most cancer baby there ever was!

DETAILS: it took me forever to find a skeleton that made me feel the enduring love i’ve been searching for beyond the ability to see a story, and as it always, unfailingly, tends to happen for the rare occasion where i opt for a softer character, it caught me completely off-guard. initially, surveying the tags, i was leaning towards the skeletons of the wheel of fortune, the hierophant, the devil, the hermit – all of whom, in my opinion, are characters who have been shaped by a darkness, be it inherent or inflicted, that’s rendered them with shadows or edges. with the lovers, that’s not the case. they are tender: like a paramour’s kiss, or a bruise, or an overripe peach you can sink your fingers into. and maybe it’s my unflinching desire to subvert the stereotypical presumption of what it is to be soft, the fragility noted in their skeleton does not translate to weakness or meekness to me; i enjoy that they are both tender, and possess the ability to be chaotic, and manipulative, and impulsive and desperate and vindictive and defensive. what i love most about this particular skeleton is the sheer humanness of them.

that, and their love for THE WORLD. for a moment there, that was definitely what drew me to them; this idea of love as religion had my mind reeling like a siken poem, rhapsodising about a love so powerful, it can alter a person. this is partially because i am the most hopeful and shameless of romantics, and partially because love, its nuances, and its powers and vulnerabilities genuinely, deeply interest me. however, working my way deeper into this application-form, that changed.

it is the love that the lovers — or prue, to me, now — holds for THE WORLD is one that attracted me. it is her own potential for growth that’s kept me in her clutches, besotted, wishing to tell her story. hers is a tale, i believe, of metamorphosis: a question i posed in a later section, as well as what lurks in my mind, is whether that metamorphosis is one that leads to a moth or a butterfly. did you know it is moths who come from cocoons, but butterflies who come from a chrysalis? moths, who are drawn to light. butterflies, who drink nectar, also help spread the seeds to grow more of the flowers. both which come from a caterpillar, whose first meal is typically the egg they come from. what i enjoy is the ambivalence that presents itself — or, as i like to call it: potential. there are several directions that prue’s story could go in, several choices that could define her, and it’s all up in the air until it isn’t anymore.

i wish i could tell you that my EUREKA! moment wasn’t insect-research, but i can’t, because that would be a lie. i’m not even sorry. 

BACKGROUND: 

☉ CONTENT WARNING(s): infant death, stillbirth, body horror imagery, insects

come, dear reader, won’t you settle in? let me spin you a tale—a tangled web of one, indeed—about a girl who smells sweet as white roses and is as satiny to touch as her gossamer-thin garments. this girl is just a girl; she has never been the girl. even so, this story is her story, and though she is not equipped to be the heroine of a story, or so she believes, she is the heart of this one. like a heart, she is swollen with the fullness of blood: thus, let me etch this tale into parchment with the blood of love, in crimson-ink of metallic-reek. 

it comes in three parts: a beginning, a middle, an ending; it is for you, dear reader, to decide which is which. 

let us anoint this tale the title of METAMORPHOSIS –

✧✧✧

i. THE EGG ;

before there is the girl, there is a man and a woman who live in faerûn by the sahrnian sea, bound together by a contract that is decidedly not the forest-fire love faerie-tales herald. yet that is not to say that love never comes, just because love comes after. when it does, it is a calm love, a steady one; a love that has never cost one to lose one’s mind, and has been grown, meticulously, over the passage of time and the trials and tribulations have littered the path of a match made by those who are older and have witnessed so much more life than them. it is not for years that the woman feels nature stirring within her body’s vessel, and when it does, it is with the undying bestowing upon her a gift that makes up lost time. 

when the girl comes, she comes from a belly more full than most. it makes sense that it is so, for there were meant to be two of them: a boy, and a girl. one might suppose that, in the end, there still were, yet only one in the way it mattered. 

( you decide, dear reader: which is which? ) 

she is born — and it is days, and days, before her time. no matter, a name still awaits her. prudence, they call her. pierce, he would have been.

from the beginning, she emerges from the ruddy cave of her mother’s womb incomplete. a greyish pallor remains where life ought to be warming her skin; it is as if he leeched enough life from her for him to choke on, and she siphoned her brother’s death through the connection only womb-mates share – and this is what she will hear in later years, when she asks about him. 

she will wish she hadn’t.

✧✧✧

ii. THE CATERPILLAR ;

( when you feel unforgiving, dear reader, remember: it is a caterpillar’s job to eat; without an abundance of consumption, it cannot survive. it is this abundance of consumption that allows for the production of silk. it is this same abundance of consumption that is its undoing. )

years do not care if one is ready to bear them; they come, when they must, as they must. and so comes to pass the childhood that tries to swallow prudence lockhart whole, over and over and over –

as an infant, blood is filtered out of her body and fresh blood poured into her veins. it helps, some. it does not help enough, yet there is nothing more to be done; her parents must take her home, and pray to the undying god for the rest. they pray, and pray, and pray, as two people of noble blood and lucrative business-dealings rarely stoop to, for lack of need to need it.

as a child, prue is still a frail slip of a thing, with bones jutting out against taut bronze flesh in protest. fill yourself up, her mother pleads. you must survive, beloved. she offers her savory meals and sweet decadence twice, and anything she takes a suggestion of a liking to just as many times more — and it works; it takes time, but work it does, and prue’s cheeks round some and at times flush rosily, some weakness giving way to the minute miracles that are her tardy signs of life. it is not much, but it is enough, isn’t it? it is to the mother who has warred for her existence. who still combats for prue’s survival. 

when does the girl begin to feel that it might be her that her mother is fighting, when every frustration about her lessness, her inherent lessness, begins to steal the breath from prue’s lungs – for is it not her who is all poetry & rot, wisp-thin & about as flimsy? her heart fills with hot, vital blood then: it beats loud and clear as a belltower’s toll, cutting through all else with the potency of its truth. this is as much as i am, she beseeches in turn, as her mother had once done, except not, for graceless tears roll down her cheeks in impassioned rivulets and the voice that thickens with feeling.

how will you survive the world, beloved? her mother implores.

i might not, prue knows. i might not, she accepts.

it is the caterpillar’s destiny to unbecome –

✧✧✧

iii. THE CHRYSALIS ;

– unbecoming takes time.

it takes long enough that both mother and daughter grow used to it, initially, and then around it, ultimately. 

there is, after-all, the distraction of warfare engrained in the backbone of their precious faerûn. there is the journey to tyrholm, the settling into the dregs of hightown – not quite lowtown-bound, and not-quite-not. it fazes her parents to not be profound upper-echelons of society; her father, a man used to running the business inherited by the men in the lockhart family, and her mother, who had spent all of her time worrying for prudence and never had to about wealth. but prue, for her part, is accustomed to the notion of not-quite-right / not-quite-enough; the feeling might not be home, per se, and yet she recognises the walls of the house all the same – could walk its rooms in the dark, if she had to.

it is circumstance that calls the lockharts to castle tyrholm. 

it tears at her parents: her father believes in not squandering opportunity, and her mother would rather squander anything but prudence. even THE EMPRESS sees it, does she not, when she cants prudence’s head and observes her fragility? the king’s reputation precedes itself; would a heart as true and innocent as hers survive a court like his? within minutes, it is too late to ponder it any longer. within minutes, it is no longer a choice, but a deal already struck. just like a match: it cannot be unstruck. one can endeavour to douse a fire, but it is not the same as un-starting it.

for a time, the castle is one more place prue does not feel she belongs; it is alright, she tells herself. you are alright, she says – because her mother is no longer by her side telling her anymore, is she? silken thread ensnares the girl when THE WORLD knocks on her door one evening; it is lilly-white, the radiance of their smile. prue does not understand why, then; she is nothing exceptional, she flounders for the right thing to do, and even then, she gets it wrong so much more often than she ever gets it right. perhaps, she will never understand why – why they are so kind, why they make her feel seen, why… 

and still, this once, there is no question of whether it is enough. they are more than enough.

for the first time in her life, prue discovers what it is to be warm.

✧✧✧

tell me, dear reader – is this a butterfly’s or moth’s metamorphosis?

PLOT IDEAS: 

❂ “love, for you, / is larger than the usual romantic love. it’s like religion. it’s terrifying.” – richard siken  

see, i told you: siken’s poetry reeling through my mind. religion is a really interesting ideology to link the notion of love to, because there are so many boundaries one crosses in the name of faith. at times, we call it the lesser evil. other times, we say it’s letting the end justify the means. we’re all trying to be holy. 

this is where i want to start discussing potential plots for prue — but i want to, first, preface it by saying that though THE WORLD is very much at the centre of her story, it is because prue’s unparalleled love for them is central to her life-story; i treat it like an experiment, where prue is the dependent variable and her love for THE WORLD is the independent variable that incites action & reaction, placed in different situations. it is, that said, the most potent of variables, and can hardly be called controlled, despite how desperately prue herself attempts to keep it to the corner-alcove they hide the truth of their love in. this love is not a selfish love; it is strong, and all-consuming, and maddening – more than a soldier’s swearing fealty to a kingdom, it is the most devout of prophets bowing their head at the altar of the divine deity they put their faith in. that’s pretty intense stuff, right? i want to see what it elicits.

this can be a double-edged sword, and in fact, i’d be rooting for it to be. on one hand, i want to explore how this love has made prue strong. i want to see how it has made her braver, and more resilient. i want to explore that she took THE EMPRESS deeming her fragile-seeming, and how she’s donned it as armour, because it is that same delicacy that has made THE WORLD love them. i want to explore it through interactions with the royal family foremost — THE WORLD, of course, but THE EMPRESS, THE EMPEROR, THE CHARIOT, and if it works out, maybe even septimus himself. it’s rare for prue to not let things slip, and roll off her back, but that is when it comes to her. her love for THE WORLD makes her want to protect them, fiercely; it lights a fire in her soul that has never been lit before. and fire? yes, it warms – but oh, it burns, too, doesn’t it? it has the power to ruin. and i don’t want to limit that exploration to just the royal family; i want to explore it with the animosity-potential between her and TEMPERANCE as well, but that’s one plot i’ll talk more about further down. 

there are little ideas floating around in my head that i would love to explore with the respective players, but i could imagine a friendship between prue ( probably due to her sweet-tooth luring her, too often, to the kitchens ) with THE HANGED MAN – and to explore a bond, that could further be complicated, potentially, by prue not being able to talk about what she and THE WORLD share. or, more chaotically: for her to share it, and for THE HANGED MAN to let it slip to THE DEVIL? how far would prue go to protect this? and would she, if it presented the opportunity for the future where she and her love get to be together is pushed closer by it? how selfless is her love? how powerful would fear be against it?

i’m honestly just a firm believer that, when our backs are against the wall, that’s when we find out who we really are. and that’s the main storyline i want to explore with prue, more than anything else, because i think that she has never been pushed to that edge and, because of it, she’s never copped up to her own identity. she met and fell in love with THE WORLD at such a young age, so quickly and wholly, that it has shaped so much of what her ideal self is. i want to see how her ideal self would differ from the reality of her. and i want to see her confront it.

❂ “you are going to break your promise. i understand. and i hold my hands over the ears of my heart, so that i will not hate you.” – catherynne m. valente

very recently, someone put forth an idea to me: love is a promise. that’s what i want to talk about here. there’s a sense i got — both from the lovers’ skeleton, and THE WORLD’s — that both of them know that there is a time-limit on their relationship. or, at the very least, whatever room there is for prue in their future, it isn’t a room where they share the bed. but i also get a sense that they know it, and neither of them talk about it. i think a part of prue feels like the amount of good that THE WORLD has brought her will last her a lifetime, and i think that isn’t true, so much as she’s hoping it is? i want to see the two of them talk about it. i want to see prue wanting them to fight her love. i want prue to admit she wants to be chosen over duty, or a marriage with someone who isn’t her, or fear, and i want to see what something like that would do to their relationship. or hell, i want someone who has power over THE WORLD, like THE EMPEROR, or THE EMPRESS, or THE CHARIOT or THE HIGH PRIESTESS to find out about the true nature of their relationship and force that choice once they even start talking about, so the situation can force their hands even if they don’t force one another’s.

there’s so much between the two of them i want to dissect and play with, it apparently needed to separate quotations. oops?

❂ “all things truly wicked start from innocence.” – ernest hemingway 

we all have the occasional ( or perhaps more, no judgement! ) propensity for wickedness. i feel really passionately about softer people not being safe from cravings for chaotic behaviour, even if they might, in prue’s case, justify it through the innocence of intention. a lot of her initial effusion is of a heady amalgamation of sweetness and delicacy; i want to see her display a dash of something that takes leave from that, and surprises even herself. now, though not at all set-in-stone and totally up to be discussed with the respective player, i could easily see it rearing its head in the dynamic between herself and TEMPERANCE. how many times will she be shooed away from a room with a beautiful woman and the love of prue’s life? it terrifies prue, the idea that THE WORLD will slip out of her fingers like the sands of time, so much sooner than she is ready for. i’m curious: would there be a moment where she would not leave? where she would make the nature of their relationship known? would she ever snap back, or continue to smile tenderly, bow her head, and listen?

i’m also dying to explore the potential plot brewing between the lovers and DEATH. part of this is a total shot in the dark, so bear with me, but – imagine this: there is a darkness in them that tugs at the darkness in her; they are hungry, and she is a starving-thing, and what a pairing they could make. imagine prue venturing into lowtown with them, and for the alternative reality DEATH’s hunger dangles that could open a door to an actual future with THE WORLD? i want there to be temptation — towards darkness and chaos, yes, because i am a sucker for moral ambiguity, but also for the loyalist that prue is to be lured by the revolt. 

❂ “you cut up a thing that’s alive and beautiful to find out how it’s alive and why it’s beautiful, and before you know it, it’s neither of those things, and you’re standing there with blood on your face and tears in your sight and only the terrible ache of guilt to show for it.” – clive barker

it is difficult for even me, as i delve into prue’s psyche, to be a wordsmith adept enough to encapsulate the sheer magnitude of her love for her lover. let me tell you this, though: it is love that is devout enough that prue would sacrifice herself before it. she would shirk what she believes she knows of herself to fight for THE WORLD. but there is little in the universe free of the shackles of consequence. it feels inevitable to me that, at some point, sooner or later, prue will commit an action or reaction in the name of love — and then, she will have to live with it. it’s even better to me for her to go beyond her limits for this love that is everything to her, and then find herself turning to them to sacrifice for her as freely as she does them… and for them to, perhaps, not be able to. or perhaps, for it to turn prue into a person she herself can no longer recognise. there was a part of me that wanted to already cook something up, and to toss it into the writing sample portion, but i decided otherwise. if i get to write this character, i want to start in a place that is different, and develop my way towards a darker pasture, so to speak.

a darker pasture, however, is where i want her to at least visit. in a setting such as this one, i don’t think it can be helped, truthfully.

❂ “each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – anaïs nin

while i was trying to knit this application together into one whole piece, a recurring concern for me has been that i want this character to have its own story, and the lines of that can get awfully blurry when the character is one the feels as intensely as prue lockhart does. she is such a hypersensitive creature; more than anything, it is her interactions that penetrate her, and alter her, and cause the discord between the sides that are wont to tug at her, who stands in the most Lawful Neutral of spots. i’ve decided to lean into it, though, because i genuinely believe that it poses an intriguing dichotomy between her inherent nature and the nurture that moulds it beyond the obvious, magnitudinal parental hand in it. that said, there are actual several different potential connections i want to toy with here. ( one of which is THE HANGED MAN, but i already mentioned that above, and didn’t want to be repetitive! )

THE MAGICIAN / listen, prue is so used to being the Softest. but this little baby is even softer than her, and every time they flinch, she just wants to help. she tries, at every turn, to be kind and i really want to see her become a friend / confidant for them? maybe learn about their magic. to maybe give them a secret of her own back ;) gal pals, gimme. i need something wholesome; it can’t all be agony & ecstasy, god damn it.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE / it is pure coincidence that throws the two of them together as often as it does. but prue is the sort to believe the best in people, and is never too arrogant to admit where she’s been wrong. this bond is where her feelings towards magic first begins to see development, and i am so, so, so interested in toying with it. even more so when you throw in their bond with THE EMPEROR — does faze prue a little — and his relationship with THE WORLD in there. such potential for growth and drama.

DEVIL / for years, every time prue has seen them, she has walked in the other direction. otherworldliness is unnatural enough as it is, but the proof of what they can do scars them with evidence of it – and so, out of genuine fear, she’s evaded them. and yet, coincidental interactions with the WHEEL OF FORTUNE has made prue think twice. a look at the haunting in their eyes has made her think thrice. i want to play with that dynamic!!!

THE MOON / hers is the only magic that does not scare prue, i think. it is the only one she is not too intimidated to ask questions about, because she truly is extremely curious when she takes an interest in something, and a lifetime of listening in the background has given prue a taste for stories. i feel like she could bring out something adventurous and wild within prue? a part which prue never got to explore, because she grew up with a very, very cautious mother who kept a very close eye on her and treated her like glass because prue really does look fragile. i want a bond to make her feel stronger!

THE STAR / if there is one thing that prue has grown up to be, it is a true romantic. it makes him something of a kindred spirit; something in her could reach out to something in him, creating a kindred bond that makes her feel seen in a way that only THE WORLD has ever given her.

THE TOWER / because she was raised right by it, the sea is where prue feels most at home, and she always has. i could see there being something about THE TOWER’s stories making her feel warm inside, and thus, her braving a friendship with them. i think she could use the wisdom of someone older? and there’s just something about them that made prue shyly scuff her toe at the ground, like – an oliver twist moment of, “can i have more, please?”

THE FOOL / stories talk about princes and princesses. the dragon’s fire, the nobel steed. prue looks at him, and she wonders: where are the stories about them? the princess’ lover, and the king’s soldier – those who fight for the crown, without wearing it. it could make for such an unlikely bond, but such an intriguing one, i think? i got the idea, and i just could not shake it. humour me!

and 0f course, there is potential with literally every other character, too, but i honestly ran out of time before i could come up with something for them too. i’m down to flesh it out~

❂ “we grow. it hurts at first.” – sylvia plath 

at the start of her story, prue starts off as a fragile underdog. she turns blossoms into a lover, and it turns her fiercer – which is not the same thing as being fierce, but it’s a start. what i want for her — what any writer wants for their muses, i reckon — is growth. i want prue, who has grown up sheltered and protected, to experience pain and hardship. i want her experiences to call into question what she thinks she knows, flip it on its head, and make her think. i want her to think, and to change her mind, and to change it again. i want her to confront her fears, and her uncomfortable truths, and to experience all the tempestuous emotions she’s spent her entire life keeping at bay, having convinced herself they could shatter her. i want her to unearth her endurance, to test its limits. i want to explore her undoings and remakings. what i enjoy most about her is the volatility of her that most would not see coming, because volatile and tempestuous and emotional is what she is. she is all heart, all the time, everywhere. can you imagine how visceral that has to make every experience?

imagine the potential for growth if she let herself just feel all of it. if she opened herself up, and let the universe rush in, instead of walking on eggshells as she does. just imagine. that’s what i want for her.

CHARACTER DEATH: i could, of course, see prue meeting an end. in fact, there are a couple of circumstances that could make it deliciously poetic, even.

Writing Sample.

They match each other: step for step; right, then left –

Hardly anyone turns to look at the two of them anymore. The two of them, making their way down the hall, with their dark heads leaned close together, like two plants growing towards one another when the sun leaves them for too long. It might be more peculiar to see them apart. There is a strange pride that twists a corner of Prue’s mouth at the unshakeable knowledge of the fact – a hint of tremendous pride at the small, precious claim THE WORLD makes with the statement of their proximity. It is everything to her, and perhaps it is what lends to the smoothness of her gait as they move past the portrait-eyes that scrutinise it, as if they await another of the many stumbles they’ve already witnessed. Prue floats beside them.

Her heart is gone, long-since pressed into the palm of their hand. Does it weigh them down? She could pretend it is why she keeps their fingers curled into the crook of her elbow, helping them carry the heaviness of the heart she’s given away to them; Prue holds fast to that touch with her own hand covering their fingers, unwilling to give up those four pressure-points that burn her flesh through the silk of her sleeve for anything, enough to shield it with the dome of her palm.

“ – Prudence?”

Their hand flinches at the same time as Prue’s grip on their fingers tightens. As if a chill blew in, and froze the marrow in her bones, the girl stills in place. It is not because she recognises the voice. It is because she ought to have done, for what the cant of her head finds is a woman whose gaze mirrors her own: amber-warm, almond-shaped. It is her same mouth that speaks the syllables of a variation of her names that does not belong to her, not as Prue does.

“Mama –” she says, her voice so quiet, she fears it might not reach her.

She is too far away now. Even mere footsteps away, she is too far.   

Extras.

✦ INSPIRATIONS → anne shirley cuthbert – from anne of green gables; tiana – from princess & the frog; missandei of naath – from game of thrones; margaery tyrell / house tyrell – from a song of ice & fire;  madame lebedeva – from deathless; effie trinket – from the hunger games series; jack pearson – from this is us; patroclus – from the song of achilles; 

✦ INSPIRATION TAG → here;

✦ PINTEREST BOARD → here.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter eight (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr) | word count: 4150

AN: Thank you so much for the recent lovely reviews and feedback on this fic! It makes me so, so happy every time, and even more motivated to keep going. I appreciate you all so much. Thank you Writ for beta-ing this and being wonderful.

(then)

“C’mon, Mami. Please tell me something cool that’s happened at work recently.”

“Patient confidentiality, baby. Not gonna happen.” Vanessa’s mom ruffles her hair, making her scowl. “Can’t be spilling stuff to just anyone.”

“But I’ll understand so much more now! We had our cardio unit in physiology and I aced it.” Vanessa swings her legs on the side of her mom’s bed, watching her pack a sweater in her bag before her night shift.

“Already told you, I can tell you all about the cardiac ICU and what it’s like being on the unit, but no patient-related things. Gotta wait till you’re working in a hospital yourself for that part.” Vanessa’s mom pulls her hair up into a bun, away from her face.

“That’s not going to be until forever.” Vanessa sighs. She wishes she could fast forward to being an intern or a resident now.

“Tell you what. Want me to talk to the cardiologist on the unit about maybe shadowing him? You can see what it’s like, then.” Vanessa’s mom straightens out her light blue scrubs. Vanessa wishes sometimes she could try them on, but it would feel a little too on the nose.

“Would that even work? I thought you have to apply through official channels and stuff.” Vanessa has already applied to some hospitals in the new year for volunteering, but none of them are going to be in cardio, which is what she really wants to see.

“Connections always help, mija. Having a nurse for a mom has got to be useful for something.” Vanessa grins at her mom’s statement. Her mom is definitely why she’s always been drawn to healthcare, seeing her in and out of scrubs for most of her life.

“Though it beats me why you won’t just apply for nursing,” Vanessa’s mom continues, “it’s practical and you’ll have to do less school and you’ll get to make money faster. And no cutting people open.”

Vanessa wrinkles her nose. They’ve had this conversation way too often for her liking. “But night shifts, like the one you’re going to right now. And cleaning up poop.”

“You’ll have night shifts as a resident too, y’know, if you try and become a doctor. They’re unavoidable.”

“All worth it if I get to cut people open eventually.” Vanessa shoots a cheeky grin at her mom when she swats her with her bag.

“What are you, Dr. Frankenstein or something? Gross.” Vanessa’s mom makes a face at her. “I’m telling you, there’s something off about all the surgeons at the hospital. They’re all a little cuckoo in the head.”

Vanessa tries not to laugh. “I bet they think the same thing about the nurses.”

“Oh, they wouldn’t dare. We could kick their asses in a second. Not that we’d ever say that to their faces. Don’t tell them.” Vanessa’s mom points a finger at her.

“When would I ever see the surgeons?”

“I’m gonna get you to shadow one of them, aren’t I? Mom of the year. Pay attention.”

“You really are, Mami.” Vanessa stands up, placing a kiss on her mom’s cheek. “Have a good shift.”

Vanessa’s mom waves her off. “And don’t you forget it. We’ll see about it being a good shift, though. Depends on which bobo day nurse I take over from today.”

Vanessa’s mom pulls on her coat, then hat and gloves, grumbling the whole while. “Damn winter weather. Remind me why we live in Brampton again?”

“Because of your job.”

“Eh.” Vanessa’s mom shrugs. “Now that you and Julio are both out of the house, maybe I should just move to Florida or something. Somewhere warm. Not a place that’s frozen over half of the year.”

“Then I wouldn’t be able to visit you during the holidays!” Vanessa protests her mom’s statement, hands on her hips. It’s not like they’d be able to afford constant plane tickets either.

“Take it easy, mija, I wasn’t being serious.” Vanessa’s mom shoots her a good natured look.

Vanessa huffs. “I know.”

“Glad to know you would miss me, though. You better.” Vanessa’s mom grabs her car keys, nearly drops them in her gloved hands.

Vanessa snorts. “Don’t gloat about it too much. Now go before you’re late for work.”

“Going, going.” Vanessa’s mom pops her head back inside a second later. “Don’t forget to make the plátanos tonight. We’re going to be too swamped to do them before Christmas dinner tomorrow.”

“I won’t!” Vanessa calls it out long after her mom closes the door behind her, rolling off of the bed. She heads to the family computer in the living room, which Julio is still sitting at after playing games on it for most of the day. She rolls her eyes. Her older brother is absolutely addicted to it. All she wants to do is be able to talk to Brooke.

“Julio, move! It’s my turn now.” She stomps her foot too, not that it makes any difference because he doesn’t even look up from the game on the screen.

“Nope.” He pops his lips on the last letter. “I still gotta beat this level.”

“Ugh.” Vanessa rolls her eyes at him, leaning against the monitor. “Do you ever do anything other than play stupid games on this thing?”

“I’m in engineering, dumbass, of course I do.” Julio looks up, his grin smug, making Vanessa huff. Annoying brothers. “I’m enjoying my winter break.”

Vanessa crosses her arms. “I wanna talk to-”

“I don’t care. You have to wait.”

“I’ve been waiting all day.” Vanessa grumbles. She perks up suddenly when remembering exactly what can make him move. “If you don’t move, I’m gonna tell Mami about the time when you were in Grade 12 when you snuck out and went to Noah Fielding’s party and-”

“Do not.” Julio turns from the computer, wide-eyed, pointing a finger at her. “You know she’d still beat my ass for that.”

“Well,” Vanessa shoots him a smug smile, “guess you gotta move then, huh?”

“Fine. Jesus.” Julio grumbles under his breath as he gets up, shuffling to the kitchen. Vanessa takes his seat with a grin.

She logs onto MSN messenger, scanning through her contacts while looking for one very specific person.

“Yes!” Vanessa can’t help but let out a little whoop when she sees that Brooke is online.

Vanjievanjievanjie: Brooke!!! <3

BLDancer1: V! I miss you so much!

Vanjievanjievanjie: I miss u too :( this break has been so long

BLDancer1: Way too long. :(

Vanjievanjievanjie: what are you up to??

BLDancer1: We’re going to midnight Mass later tonight because of Christmas Eve. I gotta get ready soon, ugh.

Vanjievanjievanjie: sounds boring tbh

BLDancer1: It is! I’d much rather be asleep, honestly. Vanjievanjievanjie: nerd

BLDancer1: Like you stay up much later than me! What are you up to?

Vanjievanjievanjie: not doing much for Christmas Eve cuz my mom’s working, just me and my brother and my dog rn but tmrw we have lots of fam over

BLDancer1: That sounds more fun than our Christmas dinners. It’s just my family all sitting around the table and eating quietly like every other dinner.

Vanjievanjievanjie: ew that sounds stiff. how’s the fam tho??

She hasn’t met Brooke’s family, knows very little about them. Brooke always gets more sad and shifty whenever her family is brought up, so Vanessa tries not to do it too much. Though asking over MSN may be better than in person.

BLDancer1: The usual. They said I need to exercise more and tutted about how my grades still aren’t as high as they should be. Not much else.

Vanessa winces. Yikes. Brooke had been fretting about going home the entire week before they left for Christmas break, hanging around Vanessa’s room because she hadn’t wanted to be alone with her thoughts. Vanessa doesn’t know exactly what Brooke’s family is like to make her feel this way, but it makes her want to fight them all.

Not that that would be a good first impression on them.

Vanjievanjievanjie: sorry baby :(((( sending u a big hug from here

BLDancer1: It’s okay. They’re right, I need to be better.

Vanjievanjievanjie: you’re already perfect u angel

BLDancer1: Not as much as I should be, though. My grades weren’t good enough this semester.

Vanjievanjievanjie: u got the top marks in our class u loon

BLDancer1: My mom said they’re not high enough to get into med school, though.

Vanjievanjievanjie: what does she know?? ur already working ur ass off, you’ll do it

BLDancer1: I feel like there’s always more to do, like I’m not doing enough.

Vanjievanjievanjie: listen come here so I can yell at you about how ur already a genius, u dumbass

BLDancer1: LOL, that’s a contradicting statement.  

Vanjievanjievanjie: u know what I mean.

BLDancer1: Ugh. I do. I just hate being here and hearing them lecture me constantly about things.

Vanjievanjievanjie: :(((

Vanessa spams a lot of emojis after her message for emphasis, hoping that it makes Brooke laugh at least.

BLDancer1: What is the blueberry emoji for?

Vanjievanjievanjie: because i miss u BERRY MUCH

BLDancer1: LOL. I miss you and you remain the cutest ever. :*

Vanjievanjievanjie: 5 more days to go!!

BLDancer1: I’m counting them down. <3

Vanessa has to stop herself from smiling when she signs off after Brooke has to leave. Five more days until she gets to see her, hug her, kiss her again. Five more days until she can go back to telling Brooke how she’s already wonderful just the way that she is, no matter what her family says. She hopes that Brooke starts to believe it, too.

(now)

Nessa.

Dr. Hytes had called her Nessa again. Brooke had called her Nessa.

Vanessa hasn’t heard the nickname since junior year of undergrad. No one else has called her that since then, no ex-girlfriends or family or anything. No one since Brooke.

It’s what Brooke used to call her when she was feeling particularly affectionate, or soft, or needy. When she’d drape herself over Vanessa, seeking comfort in her touch and the way that both of their bodies would feel warmer, safer.

And now she’s gone and said it again.

Sure, maybe it had been in the heat of the moment. Banging on Vanessa’s desk, skiving off the boring assembly for something way more fun.

But that sex had been different, Vanessa knows it. She had felt it on Brooke’s lap and she still feels it now, two days later because all her fucking brain wants to replay on loop is Brooke’s voice saying Nessa.

Maybe it’s good that the OR has been overly booked with cardiac surgeries and that Dr. St. Clair is out sick, making Vanessa’s schedule overflow with work. She needs the distraction, needs concrete work to focus on because if she doesn’t have it, she’s going to fucking spiral.

Not that it helps, because even during surgeries her mind has started to wander, falling back on muscle memory for the procedures because her brain has decided that it would rather focus on that fucking voice.  

She can’t do this again. At least, that’s what the rational part of her brain is telling herself. That her breakup with Brooke had been her worst breakup for a reason, drudging up all of her insecurities and fear and crushing her heart with a weight on her chest until it had smashed into a million pieces.

She can’t survive it a second time. She can’t.

Because sex is one thing. The chance to get freaky with someone who already knows her body, knows what she likes, knows what to do. Someone who has no doubt improved over the last eleven years as well.

But the way that Brooke had held onto her that last time, whispered to her softly, pressing kisses to her temple that hadn’t just been offhand, but felt so loaded with unspoken words? It had felt so real in the moment, and still feels real now when she thinks about it. Mostly because she can’t stop thinking about it.

Nessa.

Not Dr. Mateo, not Vanessa - the latter of which Brooke had began to use before they had broken up, when they had danced around each other and said words that neither of them had been able to take back.

Nessa.

It has to mean something.

Vanessa hates how much she wants it to. How much her heart is begging to go back to the start, to how things used to be. She needs to resist it.

At least, that’s what she’s going to keep telling herself.

“Vanjie. Vanjie.”

“What?!” She nearly jumps when seeing Kameron suddenly in front of her waving a hand in front of her face, blocking her view of the computer she’s sitting at in the dictation room. “Jesus Christ, woman. You scared me.”

Kameron snickers and Vanessa can’t help but smile back as she rolls her eyes, taking her thoughts of Brooke and pushing them away, burying them down in favour of Kameron’s expectant face. She’s beginning to bond with the cardiac surgery team in and out of the OR, a fact that makes her happier than it should. They’re all on a first name basis (well, nickname for her), and they’ve begun to hang out after work. Little things that are beginning to make Toronto feel more like home again.

“You’ve been so on edge for days. What’s gotten into you?” Kameron raps her nails on the computer monitor, and Vanessa closes her open tab with a sigh. Clearly she’s not going to get much work done.

“Nothing. Just tired, is all. This week’s been a fucking mess with the long hours.” Vanessa shrugs up at her. She can already feel a tension headache brewing at her temples, though she knows it’s not just from the workload.

Sure, they’re all friends now. But does she want to spill the saga of whatever the fuck is going on with her and Brooke to a work friend? Not particularly.

“You’re telling me. It’s nine p.m. and we’re still here because of all this documentation left over that we still have to do because of all the extra OR time we’ve had to take on this week? I want to go to bed.” Kameron flops down in the chair beside her looking slightly put out.

“Where’s Asia?” Vanessa looks at the spot beside Kameron and is surprised to see it empty, because the two of them are not far from being attached at the hip when they aren’t with patients.

Kameron huffs. “On a date. Again.”

An interesting fact indeed. It’s Asia’s third date just this week, and coincidentally the third day of Kameron walking - no, stomping - around the cardiac units with an extra furrow in her brow.

Hell, Vanessa needs a distraction from her own love life - or rather, lack of one, so she may as well bother Kameron about hers.

“That seems to be making you feel some type of way, huh?” Vanessa wants to tread carefully because she knows that she’s best friends with Asia, but the way that Kameron is affected seems like-

“I’m not jealous, if that’s what you’re wondering.” Kameron’s a bit quick in her answer, fiddling with her hands. “Asia just goes out with all of these…lame guys and never seems to enjoy it, anyway, from the way she always comes over for a glass of wine afterwards to talk about it and it’s just…annoying. That’s all.”

“Jealousy or not, it’s clearly upsetting you a little.” Oh, has Vanessa been there. Crushing on a straight girl. Not something she’d ever want to repeat.

“Hmph.” Kameron folds her arms, and the action when contrasting with her scrubs and lab coat is a little funny. “It’s not. She’s just my best friend. I don’t care.”

“You’re so convincing, I almost believed you there for a second.”

Kameron scowls. “I don’t.”

“Hey.” Vanessa takes pity, putting her hand on Kameron’s shoulder. “Care or not, you ever want to talk about it, I’m here, ‘kay? I get it.”

Kameron deflates in her seat. “Thanks. Not that I need to talk about it,” she’s quick to add, “but I appreciate it.”

Vanessa shoos her away. “I know. Now go, I gotta finish dictating this report.”

She can hear Kameron’s snort as she heads down the hallway, and can’t help but smile either as she shakes her head. Kameron’s unrequited crush, no matter how much the other doctor doesn’t want to admit it, is cute. Though not something Vanessa pities in the least - she’s glad she’s moved on from that stage in her life.

Kameron’s problems are enough to distract her to get her through the rest of her reports, her mind blissfully clear of her own issues (she can’t start thinking about Brooke again, she can’t). It isn’t until she’s home a few hours later, setting her alarm for the morning that she realizes the next day is Thursday. Her next meeting with Brooke and the team about the surgery. Where she has to see her again.

Shit.

Grabbing an extra coffee before the meeting hadn’t been the smartest idea, something that Vanessa is beginning to realize the longer and longer she has to sit in this conference room while fighting the urge to bounce her leg in her seat.

The anesthesiologist is droning on and on, his nasally voice making Vanessa cringe. She has ten minutes before he’s done his explanation to the patient, family, and the rest of the surgery team. It’s going to be her turn straight after, having to review the patient’s tachycardic issues and the precautions that the team will have to keep in mind.

Except that her brain is running way too fast and circling through her thoughts at what feels like a million miles an hour, and she’s trying to look down at her notes and pay attention to them while listening to the meeting at the same time, but all she can focus on is Brooke.

Brooke, who is sitting at the other end of the table, looking incredibly focused and calm and is participating in the discussion as if she doesn’t have a care in the world. Brooke, who greeted her when she came in with a neutral smile and a handshake as if they didn’t have the most confusing sex the last time they were in each other’s presence.  

Brooke isn’t shaking in her seat the way Vanessa is, nor are her eyes darting around the rest of the room. She’s not stuttering on her words, not like Vanessa did when the patient’s wife had asked her a question and she missed half of it.

How is Brooke so unflappable?

“Dr. Mateo?”

“Huh?”

The case manager is looking at her expectantly and shit, it’s her turn to speak and she hasn’t even noticed.  

Vanessa can feel the blush rising in her cheeks as she clears her throat, trying as best as she can to not make eye contact with Brooke.

Of course, Brooke’s direction is exactly where Vanessa looks as soon as she starts her spiel. Her blonde waves are falling down her shoulders and her head is slightly tilted as she fixes her steady gaze on Vanessa, and it’s enough to make her pause for a second, stumble on her words. A real great look for a cardiothoracic attending surgeon.

Vanessa finds it difficult to look away from Brooke as she continues talking, her eyes somehow always straying and returning back to her. As if Brooke is a homing beacon that pulls her back in every time, one that Vanessa can’t seem to change her course from no matter how hard she tries to do so.

Brooke doesn’t shift her gaze away either. Vanessa can’t tell if the way that Brooke bites her lip and the storm that’s brewing behind her eyes are real or just in her imagination, as if she’s projecting what she’s feeling - what she wants to feel - onto Brooke.

Hell, Vanessa’s not even sure what she herself is feeling anymore.  

She can’t stop herself from tugging on Brooke’s arm as the meeting ends, holding her back while everyone else around them leaves. Brooke turns around and for a second Vanessa wonders if she’s made a mistake, because being so close to her and seeing confusion and pain and emotions that she doesn’t recognize on Brooke’s face are nearly enough to knock her over.

Brooke shuts the door as the last person leaves, and maybe it’s good that they’re now both on their lunch break because there’s no way Vanessa can even think about work. Not when Brooke is taking a step closer to her, then another, lips parted as if she wants to say something but she’s still holding back.

“What are we doing?” Vanessa can’t help the pleading tone in her voice, because she doesn’t know, has no idea and she’s so fucking confused.

“I…” Brooke’s voice trails off as her eyes search Vanessa’s face, breath hitched and Vanessa wants to scream, because if Brooke doesn’t know, then what are they supposed to do? She can’t take this state of limbo anymore, walking on a tightrope that feels like it’s losing stability, becoming more shaky the more that they try to balance on it.

Brooke puts her hand underneath her chin, tilts her head up and Vanessa is sure that Brooke can see the way that her chest is rising and falling, the air feeling like its escaping her lungs faster than she’s able to bring it in.

It’s almost predictable when Brooke kisses her, wipes the slate of her mind clean with the way her hands come to rest on either side of her face. Vanessa can’t help but stretch up on her tiptoes, sighing into the kiss because it feels right, it feels okay, even though her brain is screaming no, no, no.

It’s not going to solve things, but what does it matter? When Brooke pulls her hips in closer and they press together like two puzzle pieces that somehow fit as if they were never meant to be apart. The smell of Brooke’s shampoo, the softness of her hands, it’s all so familiar and part of memories that still haven’t been erased from her brain no matter how much she had tried to do so when they broke up. It’s all coming back to her now, resurfacing as if she’d never buried them out of anger in the first place.

Maybe it’s a bit destructive, especially because now it’s not just sex, or releasing tension. Not for her, not anymore.  

The realization sinks in deep into Vanessa’s chest when Brooke starts to kiss down the column of her neck, hands trailing down her sides and lips pressing against her hip bone as she gets on her knees when she pushes her shirt up and-

She can’t do it.

Not like this. Not right now.

“No.” Vanessa pushes on Brooke’s shoulders and Brooke moves back immediately, wide eyed and hair slightly mussed and an apology on her lips that begins to spill but Vanessa doesn’t hear it, not with the realization that this is all it will be. Sex.

Vanessa had thought that she could do it, she really did. Except that now her heart feels like it’s being tugged, pulled towards Brooke, someone who doesn’t want her for more than that because why would she? That isn’t their arrangement. Never was. The expectations have been to have no strings attached.

Which is something that Vanessa had thought was possible. Though she should have known better - as if her heart will ever able to release the ropes that it had tied to Brooke back when they first started university.

She pushes her way out of the conference room on shaky legs, ignoring Brooke’s voice from behind her that she can’t tell what she’s saying because her brain isn’t working, not right now. The signs down the long hallway start to blur together as she tries to look up and find the way to her office because where the fuck is it, she can’t break down in the hall, she’s an attending, what will everyone say? But then she’s there and slamming the door behind her, leaning against it because her legs can’t do something as simple as holding her up right now.

“Vanessa. Vanessa.” The voice on the other side is a little desperate (no, no, no), with the banging of a fist on a door that follows makes her squeeze her eyes shut tight. She wants to disappear, make it as if none of this happened and as if she never even came back in the first place because of course she was naive enough to think that she could be back here with no problems.

Vanessa had thought that she’d freed herself. But now, she realizes that she hasn’t. She never had.

[lapisreviewsstuff]

Edenbrook’s Picture day | Ethan Ramsey x MC( Geli Melun)

Author’s note: Hey all. So I want to say that this fanfic is inspired by Naruto’s genin picture day and honestly, I believe more people are in Dr. Ramsey’s diagnostics team, but well... many things can happen. By the way, this fic was in my drafts months ago and I just found it. Anyway, enjoy ❤️❤️

Warning: Rough stuff, a bit NSFW, mentioning of smoking, alcohol, deaths, assaults

Words: 2000+

Tags: @lilyofchoices @lady-kato ( I am sure you would like this 😏😏) @buzz-bee-buzz @furiouscloddonutpeanut @mfackenthal @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @choicesfactor @universallypizzataco @isabella-choices if you want to be tagged/ removed. LMK

Thumbnail is from Naruto Shippuden

�� Interns, residents , attendings , today’s an Edenbrook’s Picture day! Hope y’all are prepared for it.” Naveen was standing in the middle of hospital’s main entrance while waves of doctors and interns threaten to crush Naveen, Harper and Ethan. Ethan pinched the area between his eyes as Naveen announced what day it is. Until this day he remembers his embarrassing photos with Naveen and Diagnostics Team. He shook his thought away and focused at one person in particular: Geli Melun. Geli didn’t paid any attention to Naveen’s announcement or how other people looked at her. She paid attention to one particular person who got her heart: Ethan Ramsey. They kept their relationship secret for around 4 months now. In hospital they acted like nothing is between then, even it hurts inside, but outside the hospital, they were making each other scream, moan, releasing their bottled up feelings. Naveen looked at the interns who paid attention to new interns.

“ Now, first team who goes to take a picture is...” Everyone raised an eyebrow, curious. Ethan looked at old man, impatient.

“ Enough with cliff hangers, Naveen. Tell us which team goes first and that’s it and please, don’t waste our precious time.” Naveen shook his head and grinned.

“ As always, impatient. Ethan boy, you have to learn patience. Take an example from my grand- protege Geli. She is patient and doesn’t rush to live her life to fulfil her purpose. While you keep rushing living your life, so slow down a bit, son.” Ethan, full of embarrassment painted on his face, turned his head away, avoiding glances from Naveen and other interns. A group of interns laughed at Ethan while others shook their heads. Geli giggled at the man who just got embarrased by his mentor. Naveen coughed before resuming.

“ As I was saying, first team who goes take a group picture is Diagnostics team.” Naveen looked at Ethan. Ethan composed himself after embarrassing moment. He knew that his team came first, even he wanted his team to be last.

“ Ethan, do your honours and lead your team to a room where a photographer will wait for your team.” Ethan nodded and went to an empty room. While passing through wave of interns, he grabbed Geli’s arm roughly and took her there. She yelped while Ethan tried to keep stoic look on his face. Her friends gave an encouraging nod, mouthing ‘ Good luck’ at her. She smirked at them and turned her focus at Ethan.

“ Dr. Ramsey, I don’t need babysitting. I can get there myself.” Ethan stopped and turned his eyes at Geli, full of fire and annoyance in his eyes. That was the moment when she realised that she made a mistake saying those words. His grip tightened on her arm.

“ Don’t need babysitting?” He asked her rhetorically “ Don’t you remember last year’s Picture Day? You were 10 minutes late and what was your excuse? ' I was lost!' So I am bringing you with a grip on your arm. You like it or not, we will get there in time.” Geli shook her head, disagreed with his decision.

“ What about others looking at us? Didn’t we agree to keep professional appearances in the hospital? “ He scoffed and continued to walk, dismissing her. In 3 minutes they’ve approached the wooden doors who lead to the empty room. Ethan opened a door, pushed her inside. Geli yelped at his more tightened grip, a bit of pain going through her nerves.

“ Geez I really don’t need headstart when it comes to entering into rooms, doctor Ramsey” emphasis of ‘ doctor’ got into Ethan’s thick skin. Ethan closed the door, released his hand from her arm. Geli looked at his eyes as Ethan slowly took steps towards her. She took couple of steps back as he cornered her. He roughly grabbed her chin and raised it to meet his eyes. Geli gulped, fearing of him. He grinned at her devilishly.

“ Love your stubbornness and resistance, but...” he raised his hand a bit, roughly stroking her cheek. “ How you addressed me with emphasis offended me a lot.” He crashed his lips into her neck, leaving bite marks on her neck. Geli released a small moan as his bites trailed up to her right ear.

“ But don’t worry about that. Daddy Ethan will teach you some manners.” He tugged her ear as his hands trailed from her cheeks down to exposed part of her neck. Sudden crash in the hall broke the kiss, straightening them both. He leaned to whisper her in the ear as she straightened his hair for a photo. His hand touched her other arm, giving a gentle squeeze.

“ After your shift meet me at the office. There I will teach you a painful lesson." His grip tightened a bit on her arm, causing her to yelp a bit in pleasure. She gave a teasing smile at him.

“ I understand, Dr. Ramsey. I will try not to be late.” He loosened a grip on her, beamed at her before preparing for a photo. An old photographer entered a room with a Canon camera around his neck.

“ Alright lovebirds, stand in the middle of this white background.” Waving his hand at the direction of white wall. Ethan stood behind Geli as photographer prepared camera for a photo. She looked at Ethan who seemed desperate to keep his tough facial expression intact. A photographer shoot thumbs up at them as he put a black blanket on his head.

“ Say ‘ cheese’ “ Geli bended down a bit, her ass leaning into his croach, giving two ‘ peace’ signs at the other sides. Ethan was stunned at first, but he caught her idea instantly. He smiled at the camera, looking down at her as his hands automatically dropped on her hips. Rays of light came from camera, blinding them both as they smiled at the camera, putting feelings into one photo. As photographer took a blanket from his head, he approached to them and showed a picture of them smiling. Geli squeaked out of happiness while Ethan looked at happy woman, pleased with the picture.

“ You guys look great together. Great chemistry in one picture.” Geli looked at photographer as Ethan nodded in approval.

“ I think this year’s picture is best from all. Don’t you think, Etha- ehm Dr. Ramsey?” Ethan’s glance moved from picture to Geli.

“ Yes, Dr. Melun. Like I said, after your shift, swing by my office. There I will show you Diagnostics Team pictures from my intern year up to now and of course, teach you a lesson.” As his pager beeped, he nodded and burst out of the room. Geli thanked a photographer for taking a beautiful picture and took a shortcut to Nurse’s station.

------

At the end of her shift, she went to Dr. Ramsey’s office. Softly knocking the wooden door as he called out. Entering his office she noticed many pictures on his desk as he reviewed them. He waved a hand at her to take a seat close to him. She took a seat and picked one picture of young Ethan in intern scrubs and Naveen looking in his forties. Naveen was smiling in the picture as Ethan looked grumpy and shy. Ethan leaned a bit and pointed his face. Apparently Naveen’s team was made of five people and Ethan was standing next to Naveen in the left.

“ That’s me in my first year of internship.” Geli raised an eyebrow. He was so young and handsome, but grumpy and shy she thought to herself.

“ So Diagnostics team was made of five people 10 years ago?” Ethan nodded in response.

“Wow... lots of stuff changed compared to now. What happened to other people?” Ethan sighted, trying to remember reasons of them leaving. He really didn't wanted to revive people he once respected from the graves, but this might have teach Geli a lesson.

“ That guy on the bottom left was Dr. William Wilson. From what I remember, he left Diagnostics team because of lung cancer. He smoke a lot and we didn’t knew that he had that toxic habit.” Geli’s eyes popped out as Ethan shook his head.

“ I don’t understand how one of best Diagnostics teams in the world didn’t realise or found out about it. That’s a mystery to me. I mean you could smell a terrible smell from his breathing or mouth.” Ethan closed his eyes. Until now he felt embarrased for not finding out why William smoked cigarettes.

“ He was a clever doctor. He masked his smell by chewing mint gum or applying strong cologne. But let’s move on to other doctors. That woman who stood in the right side besides Naveen was Dr. Johanna Valentine.” A blonde woman looked very beautiful to Geli and her smile radiated a whole picture. Her classical beauty could make men fall on their knees like Geli could. Geli was starring at her while Ethan cleaned his throat.

“ She left Edenbrook to work in the other hospital after one incident with patient. Due to her beauty and being very desirable, one patient tried to sexually assault her, but when I heard screams, I ran as fast as I could and...” a tear appeared in his eyes. Geli reached for his face, wiping his tear away. He quietly thanked her.

“ ... and I punched that man into his face and his couple of teeth fell out. I freed her from his grip and called out security to restrain that patient. Since that incident what I heard is that she left the hospital and that’s it.” Geli wiped another set of tears from his eyes away. Ethan took a deep breath to calm his thoughts and memory of that incident.

“ Wow... she was strong. If not thanks to you, Ethan, I don’t know how it would’ve ended it.” Ethan took her hand from his face, kissed each of her knuckles. Geli leaned in and sweetly kissed his lips. He putted a picture away as his hands wrapped around her waist, kissing her back gently and tenderly. She pulled out to catch her breath, smirking.

“ So, on the right bottom besides you who is that young, handsome male?" She pointed that young man’s face. Ethan smiled while looking at his old rival and friend.

“ That is my old friend and rival Dr. Hendrik Petrikov. Me and him used to rival a lot like who is going to be number one in Diagnostics team. Despite work rivalry we became drinking buddies and used to talk a lot about out lives or what we did today. One day, when Naveen announced that Hendrik was leaving America to go to live in Switzerland, left a scar inside my heart. But after five years when I met him in conference in Miami, he became a different person, not old Henrik I once knew years before.” Geli gently stroked his hair as he leaned into her touch.

“ How do you keep going with many scars inside your heart? Dolores’s death left a huge impact to your confidence already.” Ethan held a breath for a bit. He reached for her face, gently stroking it and looked at her eyes.

“ You. You are healing my scars and helping me with pain. Somehow you’ve captured my heart and healing it. You are my cure, Geli. Thanks to you, you’ve saved Naveen from death. Thanks to you, you broke my walls completely and made me a man I am today. I love you, Geli.” He smashed his lips to hers. His kisses became hungrier, full of lust. They pulled away, breathless as they touched their foreheads together. Geli teasingly grinned

“ What happened to a promise for rough lesson, Dr. Ramsey?” Ethan gently removed strands of her cooper hair.

“ I spare you from punishment for now, but...” He pulled away his head from her forehead as he grabbed a piece of her hair and roughly tugged it so she would look at his light blue eyes.

“ If I catch you misbehaving in front of me, I will tie you up on my desk and you will have a hard time walking after I will be done, understood?” She nodded, full of tease in her eyes. He released part of her hair from his grip.

“ Good and remember that you are mine. Not some other intern’s or scalper jockey’s. You are mine and mines only, understood?” She nodded, but this answer didn’t satisfied him. He gently lifted up her chin, looking at her.

“ Don’t make me repeat myself. Do you understand, Rookie?” She gulped, speechless as he tug her ear, making her release small moan.

“ Yes, Dr. Ramsey.” He pulled his lips away from her ear and looked at her.

“ You know, you remind me of Johanna and old Hendrik a bit. Both in beauty and spirit.”

“Really, Dr. Ramsey?” He nodded, hinting her a feeling of nostalgia.

“ Oh. Glad I remind you of people you once cared and cherished.” She smiled at him warningly as she stood up from his chair.

“ Oh and two more things.” She turned to see him, curious.

“ One thing is that you will have a picture of us framed. Another thing is that you will dream of me. Could you promise me those two things?” She shoot a billion mega watt smile and nodded at him.

“ I promise, Dr. Ramsey.” With that she left his office. Part of her wasn't statisfied that he didn't punished her, but she found out dark past of original Diagnostics team. This enlightened her and got to know Ethan deeper. Despite this, she would always cheerish and love him like she always do.