#pathologic level of avoidance etc

[sillywebz]

hhh feeling hunted prey animal level of anxiety but my predator is responsibilities i signed up for .

[mariamegale]

More clarification on Dybowski's position within Ice Pick Lodge today from IPL ex-employee Luchin, after yesterday's comments.

Sorry for posting so much in the patho tag, but unfortunately it's what's best for visibility. I have, and will be, using the "Dybowski Allegations" tag for any post on this, so please block that tag if you don't want to see it.

Since my post yesterday on Alexey Luchin's comments/allegations against Dybowski, he has given Reddit some updates and clarifications. I'll summarise the Reddit thread, but quote Luchin in full for transparency.

The thread is on the topic of Dybowski's current involvement with IPL/Pathologic 3. Commenters stated that he has sold the company, and hasn't been very involved with the games since The Void (2008). Whether this is a valid interpretation of Luchin's earlier statements was discussed, and the fact that he's been a main P2 writer and involved with a lot of promo stuff over the years was brought up. Luchin, after being pinged, showed up to clarify:

Russian companies often use a "fake owner" for various reasons, this is the case here. Motivations may be to avoid alimony, to ease money transfers between the main company part in Kazakhstan and the original main company and it's Cyprus subordinary. It is not illegal, and even not a loophole, though. I wouldn't dwell on that much. It's important what people work in the studio factually.

and,

Yep, I'd say it's up to the currently employed to shed light reliably. But in general around after the Void he was more of an broad ideas guy — and a good one, it wasn't my intent to downplay him in that regard. At the same time, game development is a multistage process, and from my personal knowledge, I can attribute a lot of the new games qualities to "fresh blood", and the other co-founders acting more professional. E.g. Alphyna has covered a decent chunk of actual writing on Pathologic 2 and had a pivotal role in maintaining the timeline of events of the game, charater motivations, etc together. Ivan Slovtsov carried the detailed game design and balancing with his team — which gave him a good position in tinyBuild after, etc. IPL is to some extent an autere game company, with the source and numerous modifications coming from Nikolay, but in my time his input was irregural, disrupting, and in my personal opinion wasn't often for the good of the game. At the same time, the fresh blood in the studio grew on the principles on which the studio was founded and successfully carries its legacy already. This is an opinion, though, still. Personally, I'll still play Pathologic 3, it's great, from what I know / have seen. And all my posts here are done with a heavy heart — it's not easy to be dissapointed in a talanted figure such as Dybowsky myself.

So, based on this (keep in mind Luchin himself has stated to have no contact with Dybowski himself since 2018, although it feels fair to assume he'd still be in contact with other former coworkers) the exact role of Dybowski in the creation of these games seems a little unclear. But I also don't think anyone's been debating whether he's been involved up until p3, as much as how deeply involved he is in p3.

Ultimately, it's up to everyone to decide for themselves where they stand in terms of opinion on p3, buying the game, sticking around in the fandom, supporting the studio, et cetera., but that's the new info.

To just give my own personal two cents: I am still in the position I was yesterday, which is that I believe IPL has to make a statement on all of this, and cut ties with Dybowski, before I'll be completely comfortable giving them money. However, I do also want to acknowledge the fact that this is not a black and white situation, and that the discourse surrounding this does warrant some level of nuance. I'm, of course, speaking in relation to the other people working at IPL.

It's incredibly easy to say both, "Dybowski is not his team; they should never be punished for his actions," and "they may have helped cover for him for twenty years; they should be held responsible." Silence is, to a degree, complicity, and if Luchin is to be believed not just in his "open secret" statement but also here, in reference to the student grooming allegations:

That's the Nema-Soda episode around the same time previous accusations surfaced. Well known in the Russian segment of the internet.

That's bad. If this truly has been this out in the open and known, that's really fucking bad, and I want this company - at least its management - to be held responsible for their potential silence and complicity in this.

But, at risk of sounding like I'm excusing any of this, I do also want to remind you that according to Luchin, as well as earlier testimonies including Renata's, this is also a person who is apparently incredibly vindictive. He is also pretty rich by Russian standards, and has held some level of influence in academia and the Russian game dev community for many years. I don't know exactly how his vindictiveness would take its form, especially not against employees, but I've been in toxic workplaces before - it can be scary, downright terrifying, to go after or even up against someone like this. No matter how shitty they are, especially if you're not in a country with good whistleblower laws (and just, in general, a system which will take the original allegations seriously, which... I'm not Russian, but I'm allowing myself some possibly problematic doubt that you'd be able to comfortably know that. I come from a significantly more progressive country, and I would absolutely not take it for certain) it can be incredibly difficult to stand up for what's right and take that risk to your livelihood, safety, and future job prospects. Especially in a job market so (relatively) niche as Russian game development. I'm also pretty damn sure there's not a union, or anything like it, to back you up if you get inofficially retaliated against.

Human being end up in abusive situations and find themselves, for one reason or another, not doing anything about it all the time. SA victims don't always report their perpetrator. Fraud victims don't always come forward. People subjected to wage theft don't always call their union reps. And others, those who witness it, don't always do it either. Sometimes because it's not their place, sometimes because they don't care, and sometimes because they're afraid. I don't think it's fair to assume everyone is in the second category, just as how I wouldn't think it's fair to assume everyone is in any of the others - it'd be absurd to assume every IPL worker doesn't want to out someone else's victimhood, which is why they haven't said anything publicly, for example. However, not reporting is an incredibly common blame to put on a victim or witness, because it's assumed that by not reporting it, they're essentially enabling the perpetrator to do it again. And I personally just don't think that's just - not without knowing what else weighed into a person's decision not to speak up.

I'm not saying this absolves all of IPL. I especially don't think it absolves the people at the top with Dybowski, who would have been more protected than the bottom-line workers. I simply am asking for some honest-to-god nuance. Personally, I'm still not happy to give IPL any money - not until I know Dybowski is not getting any of it, and measures have been taken to protect their other employees. But I'm also not interested in broad brushing an entire company of twenty years as evil, because the employees haven't made (english) publically available attempts at getting this guy out. We know, by his own accord, Luchin didn't - we know nothing of the others. A conversation with a manager that went badly is not likely to become public knowledge. People lamenting their powerlessness to stop someone to their colleagues or friends won't reach us. Someone quietly resigning because they can't do this anymore, but not being willing to put themselves on the line, is not a detail we're going to have.

I'm happy the silence has, hopefully irrevocably and undeniably, been broken. I'm hoping some people, Dybowski in particular, will face justice, or at least consequences. I hope Renata and her son, as well as Dybowski's other children, are safe and happy. I hope that IPL will do something, and move forward as a better company.

I want them to make a statement about this. That's non-negiotiable, for me, personally. I also want to see a change, and a better company with a better work culture going forward, making games and nurturing a community safely away from all this shit.

However, I accept the grim possibility that this will never happen, and am trying to decide on what that means for me personally moving forward with the fandom. I don't have any moral qualms about piracy, that's not what this is about. And that's the wider conversation I think I personally will need more, moving forward, in regards to my relationship with Pathologic.

That's my two cents.

[drdemonprince]

Lots of great advice for trans guys looking to get some pole on Grindr to be found in this article by David Davis:

Like honking, blocking on social media has a bad rap. The mainstream take on blocking seems to be that it’s the prerogative of cowards, assholes, and even authoritarians, to the extent that those who disappear without explanation—whether by failing to respond or, more pointedly, by eliminating the opportunity for contact—are seen as antisocial, even pathological. I’m not here to argue about that (although believe me, I have my opinions!). I just want to point out that, like honking, blocking has different meanings across contexts. In fact, it’s naive to insist they are uniformly negative. In some situations, one or both parties understand that blocking is simply a more direct way of communicating desires, drawing boundaries, and granting and taking space. Take the gay hook up app, Grindr: to function well on this platform, you need to block, especially if you’re a fetishized minority. It’s not just trolls, spam, and creeps—it’s also the perfectly inoffensive people that you’re just not interested in (indeed, some users will put in their bio that you should block them in this case). Because Grindr is location-based, you see your grid—that is, the matrix of users in your immediate vicinity—every time you open the app. If you’re mostly opening it at home, that means you see more or less the same people every time, roughly 15 per scroll. If someone around the corner hits you up and you don’t respond, that could mean Not right now or Not ever. If you’re busy but potentially interested, you may just ignore their messages or likes until the stars align. If you know they’re not your type, blocking them saves you both some time. Anyone who’s used apps like Grindr for longer than a minute will know that while rejection doesn’t feel good, it’s part of the playing the game. Without failing to acknowledge the ways that normative standards of attractiveness affect us all, taking a block personally just doesn’t make sense1.

When I used Grindr previously, I avoiding putting FTM in my handle because it drew a preponderance of chaser-types (I enjoy and will fuck chasers2, but they do take more work to weed through), though I was obliged to put a kindergarten-level explanation of my genitals in my bio, since people often read me as transfeminine3. This time around, I started advertising as FTM out of sheer laziness: with my transness in my handle as well as my bio, I get more messages than I can respond to, which means I can pick and choose. This has also put me in the position of needing to block considerably more, which has led me to think more about when and why I do it. After a few years of being an FTM on gay hookup apps, my trigger finger is constantly itching. Within the first few words of an exchange, I can tell how worthwhile a conversation with someone will be. If there is any hint that I will be insulted or annoyed, I’m more likely to block than see it through. This is both good and bad: snap judgments save me time while limiting my range of experiences. I’ll deal with fewer time-wasters, assholes, and rapists, but I’ll also have more homogenous hookups as a result. This transgender hypersensitivity, while admittedly crazy, is the price of my safety and, paradoxically, my mental health (some have more tolerance, some less; your mileage, etc.). It is what it is. I don’t block because someone sends me unprompted nudes, is direct or aggressive, offers to pay me, or misgenders me in a well-intentioned way. In fact, I prefer this sort of interaction, as it shows that the other person recognizes that 1) we are on a gay hookup app for FAGGOTS, 2) attraction both transcends and reinscribes identity, whether or not we think it does, 3) it’s just sex, 4) acknowledging the potential of a financial transaction means they understand that��that I understand that my attention is valuable4, and 5) that I am clearly fem and should be approached with the princess treatment.

[sebs-out-of-spoons]

💚♿️ Introduction Post ♿️💚

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Hi there, fellow spoonie! I’m Sebastian, and this is my blog for my diagnosis journey. Welcome! <3

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Things To Be Diagnosed

Physical

Hyperglycemia or Hypoglycemia (We aren’t sure yet)

Gastroparesis (Likely)

IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) (Likely)

POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) (Was tested, came back with no indicators, the doctor was an asshat, so planning to test in other ways to make sure)

hEDS (Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) (Was tested, came back without enough indicators, the doctor was an asshat and did a lot of it wrong, so planning to test again by someone else to make sure)

?MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome)? (Not too sure, but there seems to be some correlations, and will get it checked in the future just in case)

Mental

ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) (Combined Type)

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) or PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Pure O OCD (“Purely Obsessional” Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder)

APD (Auditory Processing Disorder)

ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder)(Avoidant Type)

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder)

Misophonia

Trichotillomania

Dermatillomania

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

Agoraphobia (“Mild”)

PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Persistent Drive for Autonomy)

Alexithymia

Hypersexuality

DPDR & Dissociative Amnesia

Overlapping

PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder)

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Already Diagnosed

MDD (Major Depressive Disorder)

GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder)

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About This Blog

I’ll probably mainly be posting about the progress on my physical diagnoses. I will be posting about PT, my chronic pain, chronic dislocations and subluxations, chronic fatigue, pre-syncope and co., and everything to do with my physical symptoms and struggles.

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More Things

I’m going in for PT twice a week, and I’m doing home exercises.

I had an appointment with my eye doctor on 10/14/2024. Prescription changed, slightly worse.

I had an appointment with a cardiologist on 11/4/2024 to figure out if I have POTS and hEDS as well, and came back negative for all, but the doctor was a medical gaslighter, so we’re getting things re-tested by someone different.

I had an appointment with a gender clinic on 11/4/2024 to start the process of diagnosing and treating my neurodivergencies, and it went really well.

I went for bloodwork today (9/20/2024), and I was tested for diabetes and more things, but I do not have it. The tests showed that I have poor liver function, so we’re doing things to start helping with that. We’re hoping to test for the hyperglycemia or hypoglycemia in the future sometime.

I went for a gynecologist appointment on 11/15/2024 for suspected PMDD, and am now on menstrual-suppressing medication.

I had an appointment with the gastroenterologist on 11/26/2024, and now we’re going for testing later on to confirm celiac, to make sure my thyroid is healthy and okay, and then testing for both IBS and Gastroparesis.

I had an appointment with a Gender Clinic on December 2nd of 2024 to discuss testosterone for in the future, gender dysphoria, and had a binder fitting. I’m being referred to an endocrinologist for testing to see my hormone levels and etc., and we’ll hopefully be able to get an appointment in January, maybe February, but hopefully sooner than all that.

I had an appointment with a Psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD and Autism, on December 4th of 2024, who gave us referrals to psychologists who also specialize in those, so that we can get testing for them both.

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist on January 29th to test hormone levels and hopefully get on testosterone ASAP.

I have an appointment with the AMPS Program to do mass overall testing of my body, and hopefully get referrals to specialists and options as to what’s going on.

I suffer from chronic pain, chronic dislocations & subluxations, chronic stomach issues, hypermobility (about an 6/9 on the Beighton Scale, plus hypermobility outside the Beighton Scale), chronic fatigue, and more stuff.

I own some mobility aids (forearm crutches & cane) and am hoping to get more in the future (specifically wheelchair, I’m saving up for it, but might be able to get it this or next year), and I have compression socks to help with blood pooling. I also have joint support braces to help during flare ups with subluxations and dislocations.

I am also celiac, have a dairy allergy, have environmental allergies, like dust, mold, and pollen, have random allergies like bananas, peanuts, eggs, any sort of concentrated sugars or things with lots of sugar in them (natural or added), specific adhesives, amoxicillin, random hand soaps, random hand sanitizers, certain kinds of bleach, random kinds of metals, kiwi, some deodorants, and random acne face washes.

I struggle with my eating due to my undiagnosed ARFID, POTS, and possible Gastroparesis. So, beware, I am always incredibly mood swingy due to that.

Daily Pain Scale

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About Me

I’m a Queer, Nonhuman, Neurodivergent, and Disabled Transman (He/It/Any Neos).

I’m 17-years-old, and feel 35 already.

I am taken by my amazing boyfriend, @sorensstuffs (He/It/Xe).

I have one sibling (Any Pronouns), who I won’t be tagging since he isn’t on here much.

I’m a reality shifter, and have shifted about 5 or 6 times (parallel realities).

I’m a beginner Dual Faith Polytheist. I am in contact w/ a lot of Gods, and have altars for a few. I do have religious trauma with Christianity/God/Jesus though, so if you’re heavy with that on your blog, please shoo shoo.

My Special Interests are: Wings Of Fire, Harry Potter (fuck the author, I’m mainly here for the dead gay wizards), Dragons, and currently my most active special interest is Neurodivergency & Disabilities.

My Current Hyperfixation is: Neurodivergency & Disabilities, specifically my own.

I’m queer in many ways: Trans (FTM), Genderqueer, Enby (and under the umbrella), Xenogender, AroAce (Homoalterous, Panqueerplatonic, Homoexteramo, Pansensual, Panaesthetic, Panplatonic), Polyamorous, T4T-leaning, and Lesboy.

I’m nonhuman in many ways as well: Polytherian, Polykin, Otherfix, Otherhearted, Otherflicker/Fictionflicker, Transspecies (radqueer fuck off), Humanfluid, Pseudohuman, Physical Nonhuman, and Voidpunk.

I love drawing, creating things, reading, and writing. Mainly, my hyperfixations and special interests take over my life, so I don’t have the energy or time for anything else (and then sometimes, my possible chronic illnesses take over my hyperfixations and special interests, and I’m not even able to muster energy to do them).

Tone tags/indicators are incredibly helpful for me, PLEASE USE THEM!

If you have any questions about anything, please ask me and I will not be bothered.

I don’t have the energy to make a DNI list, but just know that I will block you loads if you do fall under my mental DNI list.

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Userboxes:

(All credit to the original creators of the userboxes - I am hoping to individually credit them soon, I am just waiting for the energy to do so!)

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[fatalism-and-villainy]

Thinking more on this discussion -

I was going to say, “Will always acts up, not down” - i.e. doesn’t manipulate through pretending to be weaker and more vulnerable than he actually is. But that’s not strictly true - there’s the example of his faked tears for Hannibal and Alana while he’s in prison. (Do let me know if I’m missing some other example that would go against this argument.)

But I do think it’s true overall. When Will is manipulating others, putting on a front, etc, he’s nearly always acting confident and assured. In season 1, it’s established that he’s uncomfortable with being perceived as vulnerable, both because he’s used to being pathologized and treated as a spectacle and because he’s not used to people sticking around (“abandonment requires expectation” and all that). His dynamic with Jack is interesting in that regard, because he does open up to Jack and level with him about the work being bad for him, at the end of Coquilles. When that doesn’t go over well, by the time Jack expresses concern over him in Buffet Froid, Will’s instinct is to downplay and minimize what’s going on, and then later get angry when Jack tries to take responsibility for him and (in his mind) impinge upon his agency. His dynamic with Hannibal in some ways operates the same way - he opens up to Hannibal about what he’s dealing with, and asks him for help. The rarity of this gesture from Will makes Hannibal’s betrayal and manipulation hit all the harder, and he slams that door shut with Hannibal (well… temporarily).

The kiss with Alana is an early example of Will putting on a show of confidence around others - he freaks out over hallucinating the animal in the wall, but then puts on a show of suave bravado with Alana. It’s only later that he clarifies the kiss was a desperate attempt to grasp at emotional stability and safety. Around other people, his instinct is to act more confident and collected than he actually is, and downplay his fears and vulnerabilities. And even letting it show that he needs help takes a massive amount of trust.

His deliberate manipulation of others in season 2 constitutes a shift in his demeanor, but it does follow the same patterns he’s already cultivated in his behaviour. With the exception of the faked tears (I can only assume he did that because he knew it would be the most effective approach with Alana - and then later on, the landscape of their relationship changes such that it would no longer be convincing), in his interactions with others while in prison (Chilton, Freddie Lounds, Matthew Brown, Jack later on) he’s very outwardly articulate and assured, while internally haunted by disturbing visions. And he carries that demeanor into his interactions with Hannibal once he’s out of prison.

In contrast to Hannibal, who plays the wounded bird a little bit with Jack and Alana in season 2, or Bedelia, who portrays herself as a helpless victim of Hannibal to avoid being taken as an accomplice, or arguably Abigail as well, who plays up her (real) fear so as to avoid suspicion, Will doesn’t usually portray himself as weak or helpless so as to appear innocent or drum up sympathy.

(Honestly, this is why Chilton gets Will so wrong in the court scene in Hassun, when he says that “the confused man” that Will presents to the world is “a fiction” - Will doesn’t generally project confusion or uncertainty to manipulate! He cares much less about appearing nonthreatening than appearing in control. The prickly and reserved attitude he has at the beginning of the show reflects this - his priorities are not with avoiding people finding him odd or offputting, but with preventing himself from being overwhelmed with people’s emotions, and losing control of his impulses.)

It isn’t that the persona he assumes in season 2 isn’t “the real him” - it draws on traits he actually has, and he expresses things he’s genuinely thinking and feeling during his sessions with Hannibal. But it’s used to mask his uncertainty, internal conflict, and emotional volatility. (Truly one of Will’s most fascinating contrasts is the way he’s outwardly very composed and firm in his convictions, while inwardly being extraordinarily conflicted and prone to doing a complete 180 on his intentions at the last minute.)

All of this is to say:

a) Will coming to lean more into his capacity to be a killer, and more actively deploying his ability to manipulate others, are key developments in his character arc, but his method of channeling those in his engagement with others is not new, it’s an extension of the kind of social performance and self-protecting impulses he’s already developed, and

b) Will’s behaviour towards Hannibal specifically, during the latter half of season 2, is a consequence of Will not feeling secure or emotionally safe around Hannibal. (This is for multiple reasons - righteous anger at Hannibal, the need to hide his deception from Hannibal, the fear that he himself is enjoying this little charade far too much and has to hold himself back from giving in, etc.)

Will wasn’t putting all his cards on the table with Hannibal in season 2, and hadn’t given himself over to him completely. Post-WOTL, he has. So I imagine a post-canon dynamic would feature Will being more willing to let his guard down around Hannibal, and more willing to once again be emotionally vulnerable with him. I don’t think the subtle antagonism would ever fully go away (just go dormant), because they do love pushing each other and testing the limits of each others’ behaviour. But I want to think Will himself would be much more relaxed than he is in late season 2, because they have a much more authentic relationship now.

[foxglovetawny]

My BSD kins and why I kin them:

I don't actually have a lot but I wanted to make this list regardless

Dazai

I kin Dazai mostly because I'm a compulsive, pathological liar. When faced with a conflict, my first instinct is to lie. Regardless of who I'm lying to(myself, my family, my friends, etc). This habit has made me very good at lying. So much so that I have a tendency to manipulate and be dishonest to my friends and family in order to avoid them posessing negative views towards me. I don't like lying and I try not to, but I simply do not understand why it's bad.

On a deeper level, I kin Dazai because I'm constantly seeking for a reason to live. Everyday I wake up without motivation to do anything, and I go to sleep with dread that I will wake up the next day. Life is just an ongoing loop of meaningless events. I feel as though I have a gaping hole in my chest, and I constantly try to fill that hole with my lies. I make jokes about wanting to die and act childish around my friends as a coping mechanism. I constantly tell myself, "My friends and family really do care about me," but it simply does not work. I feel only capable of feeling empathy(not sympathy), because I can't understand other people's pain until I go through it myself. This results in my lack of understanding of why most morals are the way they are.

Chuuya

I kin Chuuya mostly because I'm short. I constantly get made fun of for my height and weight. I am forced to turn to violence on a weekly basis, simply because no one takes me seriously. I fear the appearance of weakness, so I either compress my emotions or express them in a form of anger. I have not cried in a year due to this. I talk about the people I care about a lot, but in a way that doesn't express my regard for them. Sometimes I'll call them when I'm not in my right mind, just to call them slurs(dont worry I can say them). They find this entertaining. I would sacrifice my reputation and risk everything to avenge my friends, even if it may not be possible at the moment.

Ranpo

Ranpo lower on the list because I don't kin him that much. Though I am not that intelligent, my intelligence is like Ranpo's. Instead of creating plans to reach my goals like Dazai and Fyodor does, I'm more able to notice patterns in behavior. This allows me to deduce certain things about people, including their insecurities, occupation, and type of intelligence. I used to be able to figure out people's class schedules back in high school using small clues I picked up in their dialogue.

Unfortunately, I still don't understand people. I constantly struggle to fit in and I don't know why. It feels like everyone gets each other while I'm just the outlier. I ache to be like everyone else, but I have accepted that such a thing is unachievable.

Nikolai

I kin Nikolai because I feel trapped. I feel like my emotions are limiting me. Being an HSP, I am more empathetic than normal. Actions that remind me of my own past experiences deeply effect me, and I want to be free from them. I don't want to feel emotional attachment, but I can't help it. Like Dazai, I constantly mask my emotions and appear to be childish and immature. I am a sadist, but I can't tell whether I actually feel pleasure in seeing other people's pain, or if it is just another lie I have convinced myself of to make myself feel more free.

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Side note: I've only read and watched bsd once so some of these might be wrong, please cut me some slack lmao.

[transmutationisms]

I feel like this is likely a bat to a hornet's nest topic but I deeply respect your takes and thoughts overall a lot so here goes: I really appreciate that the show frankly goes out of its way to not pathologize its characters and lets the audience sit with them in the context of their own lives. So I'm kind of baffled that so much focus is given to "diagnosing" them in fan discussions, the vast brunt of which Kendall gets. I don't understand how you can watch this show and understand him as someone who's been heavily abused and had his reactions to being abused weaponized against him and come away being like "wow it's so cringe he acts like that, he must have a brain disease and is just too stupid to understand that. every action he takes is because he is manic/depressed/letting the disease manifest. if only he took the good moral Legal drugs that I do instead of the ontologically bad ones that are Illegal and for dirty addicts. hopefully one day he will Get Help and Receive Treatment so he will be more palatable (no whatever he's done up to this point doesn't count because it didn't work which must inherently be due to his own moral failings)." How did a show like this attract so many Reganites??

bat at a hornets' nest yes. yeah i've said before that i dislike diagnosing fictional characters as a general rule. it's tautological ("they do [x] because they have [y], and they have [y] because they do [x]") and abrogates further analysis of their motives or the meanings of their actions. and it's doubly irksome to me with succession, because unlike a lot of tv, i genuinely don't think that it's written within the weltanschauung of dsm neurobio determinism. ie, it's not a show where the answer to "why did he do that?" is ever supposed to be "his brain is just like that"—these actions are supposed to mean something about what the character wants and needs, and the effect of the capitalist milieu on those things. it's psychological, not psychiatric (& of course, psychoanalytic approaches are common in formal literary studies, whereas blunt psychiatric diagnosis is decidedly less so).

with kendall's drug use there are some particularly irritating ways this all plays out. i've been fiddling with my own reading emphasising the context of logan's demands on kendall and the construction of bourgeois masculinity, and have tried to place kendall's drug use as a response to neoliberal control mechanisms à la deleuze or foucault. i could certainly be challenged on elements of this reading, but what i see on this website is generally just an endless slog of very biomedicalised reads that seem to have no awareness of the particular historical and social baggage present in that model. i do agree there's an element of reactionary DARE-esque moralising going on here (stg if i have to read one more post written by someone who, like, has never so much as met a coke user and thinks all drugs instantaneously give you irreversible morally weighted heart damage, lmao), but it's honestly not just that.

i think most of the time when people do this they're not trying to be reactionary or regressive, and often they not only don't believe themselves to be moralising affective distress, but actually think the dsm diagnosis is the way to avoid that type of moralisation. this is essentially the "it's a discrete disease entity, so they have no control over it and can't help it, so it's not their fault" argument. in practice this fails on many levels. for one thing, it often implicitly assumes that 'ending the stigma' requires any kind of mental disability or affective distress to be treated analogously to physical disability or illness, as though those latter are not also consistently stigmatised and moralised—because ableism is actually more complex than that and has to do with the fact that capitalism values people on the basis of the 'use' it can make of them and their bodies, etc etc. it is also, again, a wildly decontextualised understanding of affective distress, the reasons why people use drugs—including in a manner that feels compulsive and out of control—and so forth.

i'll add also that wrt succession, i actually do see a LOT of pathologisation thrown at roman as well, and more than an incidental amount directed at connor, tom, shiv, and logan. which is to say, i don't think this is solely about people's discomfort with addicts. there's a broad tendency among fans, echoing the even broader social tendency, to see medical diagnosis as personally liberatory, and medicine and psychiatry as passing 'objective' judgments that are necessary in order for a person to 'get better.' this is essentially positivism and is very much a status that the medical profession has fought to obtain (in france you can trace certain 18th-century discourses on national decline, aristocratic luxury, and the corrupting influence of the city -> the birth of clinical medicine after the first revolution -> social hygiene and the pathologisation of the parisian urban poor -> the third republic's 'physician-legislators' and the general class status and professionalisation of medicine; i know less about the gory details of the american and british cases simply by dint of what i do professionally).

we tend to forget these histories when talking about science; it presents itself as a set of timeless, incontrovertible truths that are simply waiting to be uncovered, and we have entire industries of science communication and journalism that propagate this view. which is to say, circling back to succession, i don't believe that most people diagnosing and pathologising these characters are trying to be reactionary or are aware that there are reactionary and moralising elements inherently built into these discourses. i think they're largely people who have not been given the tools to see alternatives, like the perspectives dominant in the history and sociology of science, which are very much kept paywalled and inaccessible on purpose because this is profitable for the academe.

this type of popular literary analysis is simply not going to go anywhere as long as this is still the status and the moral resonance of medicine (and psychiatry by extension because it gained its professional independence without sacrificing the appeal to medico-scientific epistemological authority). i don't think succession viewers are any more or less prone to this type of thinking than the general population they exist amongst. i firmly disagree with this attitude, obviously, and like i said, i don't actually think succession is written 'psychiatrically,' which cannot be said for all tv lol. but i more or less expect to encounter this type of deference to medico-psychiatric judgments in 95% of social interactions and contexts, again because of a combination of institutional control of information, other forms of inaccessibility, and physicians' and psychiatrists' advocacy for their own class and professional interests, both historically and ongoing today.

[crimeronan]

re: your empathy posts. As someone who probably has higher than normal empathy (I used to ask people around me how they deal with sympathetic distress in common situations that occur in a job and only got blank stares) you're so valid!! The lionizing of this random subconscious process called empathy is so useless! It says nothing about the person and their values! As your other commenters suggested, people disparaging you may just be trying to boost their own shaky feelings about how their own emotional stability is deeply tied to their people-pleasing tendencies.

If anything, I think learning to function "normally" in society with "empathy" makes you more messed up. I understand this person's distress. I acknowledge it, and know how my actions will make it worse. I make them feel worse anyway, because that's the organizationally approved behavior, causing more pain for both them and myself. All the while I must behave as if I am cheerful and unbothered. Internalizing that hurting others and yourself to achieve your goals is Fine is necessary in order to stay sane. This is counter to everything people say they believe, so lying also has to become a virtue.

Buying kindness from the store seems like a really kind thing to do tbh. I am passing you on the street as I am schlupping over to pick up some callousness.

this last sentence made me giggle a lot. but YEAH!! a lot of this is spot-on to stuff i've been thinking about lately. like, "normal" empathy levels seem to be socially defined as "you care about people and want to help them, but you don't care so much that you'll harm yourself in pursuit of that" and it's all just..... i dunno. so much pathologizing of how we think and feel and whether we're Human (TM) about stuff. it's all so Weird

like..... i keep thinking that my lack of empathy gives me certain advantages in social situations. but in a similar vein to the ppl worried about sounding like tiktok empaths for being hyperempathetic, i worry that this makes me sound like an alpha male influencer writing youtube essays about why emotions make you weak, or whatever.

it's not that emotions make people weak or that having less empathy makes me like, a Cold Logical Calculating Math-Loving Strategist. i'm a writer who focuses solely on character-driven stuff, u probably wouldn't expect that from a stereotypically sociopathic person. part of why i LIKE writing character-driven stuff so much is BECAUSE i've had to actively teach myself how other people think, how they feel, how they struggle, etc

a lack of empathy means i can choose not to get invested in other people's feelings or lives, i don't feel guilty for emotionally disconnecting, i'm not afraid of being disliked. but i still know how to act like a decent human being. there's that one post about how stupid it is not to realize being nice gets people to be nice back, and fuckin. YEAH!! it's astonishing to me to read about cases of """clinical sociopaths""" (who are just people who didn't get the 'pretend you give a shit, moron' memo) manipulating and gaslighting people and whatnot. everyone in the comments will always be like "ooo so scary... they didn't feel bad at ALL... so terrifying that people who don't feel guilt exist..." and i'm like.

IS GUILT THE ONLY THING THAT KEEPS YOU FROM COMMITTING ATROCITIES???

BLOWS MY MIND. IT'S LIKE..... THE LEFTIST EQUIVALENT OF SAYING EVERYONE WOULD BE MURDERERS IF THEY WERENT SCARED OF GOD. LIKE. YOU ONLY AVOID DOING BAD STUFF BC IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD??????

good LORD. at least having no empathy means i've had to grow my principles organically. oh my GOD.

anyway what brought these thoughts up today was that i was thinking about gansey and luz noceda, since theyre extremely similar characters & on my All Time Faves list. and i've said this before but the things i love about them (the kindness, self-sacrificing shit, anxiety, etc) are things i don't see in myself. but Wish I Did. like i wish i was kinder on the inside than i am.

but i know that i admire ppl with luz and gansey traits both in fiction and in real life. so i simply just..... emulate the luz and gansey actions. not always successfully, esp because i have a temper and very little patience, but like. i try to be kind where i can bc i wish i was someone who tries to be kind when they can. so i'm just going to be. u know??

[sebstooqueerforthis]

Sebastian’s Introduction

I’m Sebastian, also called Seb, Sebby, Bastian, Seabass, and any other alternatives. I don’t have a preference. This is my blog for me to post random stuff, be funky, and find funky friends. Welcome!

About Me (Queer)

I’m a transguy, and I experience several other genders. Xenogenders, masculine/guy-aligned genders, and nonbinary genders. A lot of them are fluid, but on some level I am always a guy.

I use He/They/It/Any Neos pronouns. I don’t have a preference, but I would appreciate/prefer if you mixed them up when using them for me.

I’m AroAce, Aromantic and Asexual strictly, and I am Onealterous (I just say gay for this one usually), Oneexteramo (I also say gay for this one usually), Panqueerplatonic, Pansensual, and Panaesthetic (+ Panfamilial & Panplatonic).

I’m Polyamorous, and new to polyamorous relationships. I do have two boyfriends, @corbinsthinkingcap (He/Him) and @imin-lovewithaboy (He/Him).

I’m heavily T4T-leaning, and a lesboy. My attraction towards women/women-aligned/feminine/feminine-aligned people is queer, but I don’t consider myself a lesbian.

About Me (Neurodivergence + Disabilities)

I’m heavily Neurodivergent and disabled in many different ways.

I’m Autistic, ADHD (Combined Type), have OCD (Pure O Type), APD (Auditory Processing Disorder), SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder)(Avoidant Type), C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder), SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder), PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), Misophonia, Trichotillomania, Alexthymia, PDA (Pathological Defiance Disorder, otherwise known as Persistent Drive of Autonomy), and Dermatillomania. I am in the giant process of diagnosing all of that, and a lot of them are medically recognized.

I have diagnosed GAD and MDD.

Because of a lot of my neurodivergence, I struggle with executive dysfunction a lot, eating, drinking, self-care, socializing, interacting, and a lot more. It all disables me greatly, even if I am most likely considered “high functioning” by society/allistics.

I have a multitude of suspected chronic illnesses: hEDS, POTS, Gastroparesis, IBS, & more.

Even though they are not diagnosed yet, and I am still currently in the process of diagnosing them, I am most definitely disabled from them. I am already treating them as well with Physical Therapy.

I experience chronic pain, chronic headaches, chronic fatigue, chronic dislocations & subluxations, daily nausea, daily pre-syncope episodes, frequent & easy bruising, sprains, even more disabling flare ups (where all of my symptoms become significantly/noticeably worse), and a lot more.

I am an Ambulatory Mobility Aid User, and plan on getting a wheelchair in the future.

I’m diagnosed with celiac disease, a dairy allergy, and have loads of allergies to different things otherwise too. Assume most things I cannot eat.

About Me (Nonhumanity)

I’m very Nonhuman. I’m Transspecies, Humanfluid, Voidpunk, Otherfix, Otherflicker, Polytherian, Otherkin, and Otherhearted.

I am also a Physical Nonhuman in the way that since I am nonhuman, so is my body.

I don’t often experience phantom shifts of any kind, and I more experience species dysphoria and euphoria.

I have some gear (one tail, in the process of making some masks, etc.), and I do quadrobics VERY occasionally, because it’s dangerous for me to do with my suspected health conditions.

About Me (Other)

I’m a Dual Faith Polytheist, and I’m currently working with Apollo, Lady Aphrodite, Lord Hades, Lady Persephone, Artemis, Loki, Hecate, and Athena. I’m currently worshipping all except for Hecate and Athena, although I’m hoping to make an altar and start worshipping Athena soon.

I have one sibling (Any Pronouns), and they’re the coolest ever. I won’t be tagging him since she doesn’t use tumblr that much.

I enjoy drawing, creating things, painting, writing, jewelry-making, and a multitude of other things.

My Special Interests are Wings Of Fire, Harry Potter, Dragons, My Boyfriend, and Neurodivergence + Disabilities.

My Current Hyperfixation is probably craft stuff and my boyfriend.

I’m a reality shifter, and have shifted way too many times to count, and all to parallel realities.

I have a few other accounts, but the only other one I’m active and actually on is @sebs-out-of-spoons.

And no DNI really, I will block who I block if I find we don’t align on stances in any way. Just assume you’re welcome until you aren’t. <3

[swearyshera]

I want to say I really respect how you're handling Glimmer's arc, her interactions with Bow in particular. Them dealing with the emotional fallout of this in a harsh and awkward but earnest way is really gratifying. I feels like pulling teeth in the best way possible. Glimmer's arc still rings amazingly to me and somehow hasn't diminished since the apology bit.

Is it weird that I "respect" Glimmer's redemption more than Catra's? I guess I always thought Glimmer's heart was in the right place despite like... everything she had going on. I never once felt Glimmer couldn't be redeemed and frankly my opinion on if Catra really "deserved" redemption still flips every time I think about it. If i thought I had a way to annihilate the people who took my family away, I don't know if I'd hesitate to top-rope elbow drop the Big Red Button even as much as Glimmer did. I guess that was Catra's rationale too on a deeper level, but at least Glimmer wasn't fine with the world dying once confronted with that reality, as sad a step up as that is. I feel like the fact I don't feel much sorrier for Catra reflects very poorly on me.

The series had a bad habit of Catra's choices having their more catastrophic potential consequences avoided so her redemption could go down smoother, my most prominent example being the corrupt shera virus. I'd pay damn good money to see how the story could even begin to salvage Adora and Catra's relationship if Adora killed someone like Glimmer or Bow under the effects of that. (not to mention the portal only kills one, albeit very important, person, Adora just happening to survive falling a pit, the story conspicuously forgetting about Angella etc) This sort of thing makes me think the author is cheating or working backwards from the ending they already want. Other characters were involved in some of those choices but that only expands the problem imo.

Glimmer's doesn't kill the universe either, but there's still disastrous consequences for Etheria and people she cares about, pretty much all of s5, and her story is all about understanding what she brought on them, and becoming a more responsible person to her friends/people. I really liked that. The only person Catra is really held accountable to is Adora, and maybe Perfuma on Scorpia's behalf. There's Entrapta but I dont think she operates in terms of blame/forgiveness, at least in canon. I know she literally forgave Catra explicitly, I guess I'm too mean to believe people could let go of stuff that "easily' and write it off like it doesnt count.

I know Catra's arc wanted a more intimate scale and they didn't have time to litigate all this, but my deep gut reaction is "tough shit, you shouldn't have had Catra do all that if you weren't gonna make her face what she'd done", especially since Adora makes a point that Catra is afraid to face people she hurt, then Mermista, Micah and Scorpia are conveniently chipped until the last minutes of the damn show. HP really did Catra a solid there. Glimmer's arc felt more willing to make her culpable in dire shit and not pull punches about it, even less so here, so sincere gratitude from me there. Not that Adora and Catra weren't put through hell but their s5 relationship seems to happen in its own little bubble safe from outside responsibility apart from Adora's martyrdom pathology.

Anyway, very excited to see how the Catra reunion will be handled given everything so far, and for Glimmer and Bow stuff. You've never done wrong by us yet. Sorry for this fucking thesis. Please feel free to point all the ways I'm being a myopic dumbass.

I always see Catra and Glimmer as two sides of the same coin - the same person but treated very differently by those around them. Glimmer had love and forgiveness from the people she grew up with, particularly her mother, whereas Catra had none of that outside of Adora.

But I think the end of season 4, start of season 5, we see a little bit of a flipside of that, and that's what starts making both of them wiser, more mature, etc. Up until then, Glimmer had never really had to deal with consequences for her actions - her mother, outside of grounding her, didn't appear to really punish her when she did things wrong. Even Bow, at least until Fractures, felt he always had to support and agree with her (and his own arc played into that). But when Glimmer decided to plough ahead with her plan to activate the Heart and ignore her friends, she actually had serious consequences for once. She had to deal with losing friendships, attracting Prime. And that wasn't something she'd really had to deal with.

Catra, by contrast, always had negative consequences to even the slightest of actions. Usually by Shadow Weaver, and then by Hordak, she was punished for her mistakes. But in season 5, she gets shown kindness and forgiveness despite her actions, and it too, becomes a turning point for her.

I also don't really see the story as 'redemption'. It's not about Catra or Glimmer redeeming themselves, it's about accepting you've done wrong and making the choice to be better. Yes, they do have apologies to make, wrongs to right, and we don't see a lot of that in the show. But we don't need to. What we see is Glimmer becoming more levelheaded and choosing to use that in place of recklessness. We see Catra choosing to return to Adora in Heart not for herself, but for Etheria. Both these young women have done things that have had a huge negative impact on other people, but they both end up trying to do better, to be better.

Redemption is based on how other people treat you. This is a story about how you treat yourself. Both are important.

[kikuism]

hi mariam!!! oc pairs ask: 8 & 16 for kikou, 10 for naomi and noriko, and 20 for kiku and noriko <3 <3

hi sam!! ty for sending <333

kikou:

8. how do they communicate with each other? are there any reoccurring phrases or gestures unique to their relationship?

kikou: kou leads and kiku follows. kou is the yapper and kiku is the enraptured listener <3 esp at the beginning of their relationship kou always dropped him little lines he could grab to keep the conversation going. kou’s skill is that he can spin anything you throw at him into a colorful tapestry, so every conversation feels rich and well lived in, it's impossible to make small talk with him. being with kou also teaches kiku how to describe things without visual cues. it's a nice exercise. so if the view is nice from the train window, he won't say 'the sky is so blue and clear', but something like 'the sky is like a fresh batch of laundry', and kou will imagine the clean scent of sheets, light and airy after a new wash, a new day, and get the same sentiment.

they sparingly text, since kou has the text-to-speech feature set to the super fast speed, and he doesn't like conversing with people like that ('i can't hear You through it'), so they mostly do either video calls or voice messages. they will text if it's for trivial matters (do you need anything from the store, have you reached home, etc) but that's about it.

16. is one of them keeping secrets from the other? why? how would they act if the secret was revealed?

kou isn't the type to keep secrets. if there's something he needs to say he'll say it ... he will adjust his method of communication based on the situation of course, whether to ease into it gently or say it upfront, but he doesn't keep secrets. kiku on the other hand....he doesn't keep secrets per se, but he is a terrible, conflict-avoidant communicator, so he might....delay in saying certain things (he's working on it, it's hard shaking off your upbringing). the only actual secrets they would keep are probably certain carnal preferences, which they would eventually reveal to each other....with a mutual mixture of flustered teasing and enthusiasm.

naomi and noriko:

10. what is one major difference between them?

naomi has an almost pathological obsession with saving face while noriko just barely remembers to cling to the notion. for naomi this of course stemmed from her upper class upbringing rife with competition and false pleasantries where appearances were of the utmost importance, your clothes your house your grades your vacations, and to slip up was tacky and uncouth. can't let anyone see anything other than cool, level-headedness. she will actively avoid situations she knows are not her forte, and every conversation is like a chess game, conceding and withholding information according to the front she wants to maintain. since her input is vastly larger than her output, she is rather forgettable as a person.

noriko had quite a lax upbringing on the other hand, hers was quite a receptive, open-minded family, not so 'stuffy', owing to many relatives overseas who would come to visit and who they would visit; she's been exposed to other cultures and ways of life. she's resourceful and accommodating, which explains her immediate friendship with kou when they were kids. she didn't see his blindness as something to poke and prod at, something strange, it was just a part of him, something to fit into their games. noriko’s like an elastic band (flexible, multipurpose) while naomi’s a switchblade (excels in its limited range of motion).

kiku and noriko:

20. what is their best memory together?

aww okay so i can't think of a 'best' memory but one they're fond of is the movie nights they have with kou. once a month they'll each choose a movie and watch them in a marathon at kou’s apartment. noriko puts on western classics from the early 2000s in the original language so they can practice their english, much to kou’s chagrin (“can you spell gabbana?”). they don't really spend that much time together, just the two of them, kou is always with them (kiku doesn't think he's good enough company for noriko, he feels he's too boring hgjsgfh so he always tries to rope kou into it to even out the playing field), but i think eventually they do have a life changing field trip atla style.

[falseandrealultravival]

Open Dialogue: Endless Dialogue with People with Mental Disabilities (Essay)

Haloperidol(Schizophrenia drug)

I think Finland is an excellent country in many ways. Welfare and education at the highest level in the world... The topic I'm going to talk about now is "Open Dialogue," which supports people with mental disabilities. I first learned about this initiative when it was featured in the Tokyo Newspaper on May 8, 2018.

I searched the wiki for Open Dialogue.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Open Dialogue is a method of therapeutic intervention for schizophrenia, and has been practiced since the 1980s, mainly by family therapists at Keropudas Hospital in Western Lapland, Finland. Translated as "open dialogue". It has achieved great results in the treatment of schizophrenia, depression, social withdrawal, etc., and is also expected as a treatment for developmental disorders.

Medical staff requested by the patient and their family call the treatment team within 24 hours, visit the patient's home, and have a dialogue every day until the symptoms subside. Avoid as much as possible. There are rules such as don't criticize the patient and talk anyway. Patients with schizophrenia tend to fall into monologues (creative, but to put it bluntly, pathological), and my goal is to free them from it.

To open a monologue to a dialogue

• No decisions are made without you.

• Hold an initial meeting with the person and family members within 24 hours of request.

• It treats people with all mental disorders, including schizophrenia in its most severe form.

• Use as little medicine as possible.

• Have daily dialogue until the crisis is over.

• Do not prepare the theme in advance. There are no staff-only meetings.

• Of course, we also talk about hallucinations and delusions.

• The key point is “reflecting,” which is discussed by a team of experts in front of the person.

• The treatment team responds to all client statements.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

I think it's an excellent initiative. It seems to have a therapeutic effect. In any case, compared to Finland, a country at the end of the earth, which has various social ingenuity, it is a pity that a similar country at the end of Asia, Japan, is not so intellectually productive. In Japan, "Open Dialogue" has just begun.

[bandofchimeras]

PDA stuff & long diary life update for those who care!

started sort of arguing with a popular neurodivergency Twitter person (not really, but got defensive) over the idea of PDA being a myth or a grab bag for those of us with severe burnout, etc. I'm open to not being CORRECT on this, but personally I've found both good and bad things in the diagnosis, the label, and community self-understanding, as with any diagnosis....its all based on a pretty flawed and pathologizing system. so why attack PDA in particular?

anyhow, on a personal level, today I stayed up into my natural noctural habitat to chop vegetables and make borscht. its a long, tedious process at my rate, and took two days + leaving the vegetables out overnight to do, but now its done! and yummy healthful soup for the rest of the week. :)

I'm slowly chipping away at rebuilding life and haven't tackled doctors, dentists, pharmacist, therapist aspect yet because of feeling vaguely unsure about where I will actually end up living once this couchsurfing period is over. its such an ordeal I don't want to repeat it again....but my teeth need urgent care, and meds are gonna be essential for any kind of work. which i've also been avoiding.... February is historically the hardest month for me to get thru. every year. have delved into other things astrologically but February...well I guess natal Uranus square Venus, Sun and North Node/Pluto plus oppositon Mars....that's a rough transit. But its probably the weather. Okay on to the PDA/ADHD/sensory/wtf bullshit I wanted to write about:

today I slowed wayyyyy down and just noticed in my body where and when resistance came up. It was a huge dark spirally last few days, but today had a few breakthroughs of being honest when my anxiety tempted me to lie/hide, saying no to somebody instead of people pleasing, and calming down before calling my mom, and actually having a pleasant chat.

also addressed the Cat Peeing on Everything issue in a multitude of ways. I felt much stronger in my self-acceptance despite the realization last night that my joints have deteriorated to the point carrying grocery bags disolates them! my life is pretty boring and I'm sort of floating along with no direction, but today instead of spiralling about it, I used the role-play technique to coach myself into a new mindset of "maybe you are not ready to find your purpose yet, just focus on getting the basics down" AND I noticed when my avoidance was coming from sensory needs! and tried to address them before making the demand. it worked pretty decently (turns out when i'm cold i will Not be able to move my body until until its warm??) A huge Axis of PDA is our intense willpower and drive to conform, fit in, understand, mask, etc. among people who are not us, and not like us. I appreciate this about PDAers, this will to understand and adapt, and the determination to succeed despite all setbacks. however, I think due to our slower processing speed, with the demand avoidance interference, we often miss the "steps" involved in success. there may also be some wilful delusion - if they can do it I can do it! that comes from being hypersensitive to the opinions of an ableist collective. so this week for me, i was feeling the weight of "not and never will be enough" and comparison to others. however, deactivating my facebook and slowing down to make soup, going on a sunshine walk, supple,ents, using the happy light, and starting to practice responding at least a little more compassionately but firmly to my own meltdowns....its working. i just have to release the need to do everything, everywhere, all at once. PDAers are characterized by a strong will to not only live, but to feed, to grow, to expand, to be competent. full of ideas and desires!! Unfortunately we often do not receive the accommodations necessary to actually do so or develop missing skills bc of being good at masking, or our disability being demonized as willful, selfish and in need of "breaking" this can be very heartbreaking - but as today showed me in my roommate's gracious reaction to a talk I was very scared to have with them - when you find someone who does accommodate and understand, and are willing, able, and open to connect with them, it is also heart healing. our struggles are an opportunity to exercise deep self acceptance and love for the Self despite physical limitations and inabilities!!! or they can be in the right environment. that's my thoughts for now, now its really past time to go to bed and have wild near lucid dreams again. goodnight!!

.

[thecurioustale]

This happens in the US because of human tribalism in general and because of the Christian paradigm in particular, into which the vast majority of "secular" and/or "progressive" people are raised. In other words, most non-Christians in America are actually still Christian in their worldview template, sans the specific theological assertions but still prioritizing the Christianity-motivated social frames such as sin, redemption, salvation, heroic sacrifice, hard work, the seven cardinal virtues (temperance, modesty, chastity, etc.), sexphobic attitudes in general, the eternal soul, slave morality, and many others. (Few of which are strictly "bad"; that's not what I'm getting at.) Together with the explicit Christian messaging that's everywhere, and the Christian vernacular and symbolism, it's no surprise that most secular Americans who aren't explicitly raised into something else are still culturally Christian.

The illustration becomes more apparent when you look at people who were raised into something else: Jews, as a permanent persecuted minority; members of non-Abrahamic religions; and first-generation immigrants from countries not dominated by Abrahamic religions. Conversely, people with a Muslim background often fit the Christian paradigm very well because the two religions, being brother-religions derived from Judaism but focused on salvation and conversion, are virtually inseparable in their structure, ideology, and, most importantly, their pathological need to dominate the world and tyrannize everyone in it.

As someone raised in a Jewish background, I have noticed throughout my adult life that many if not most secular and/or progressive Americans are indeed highly Christianized in all but name. It appears to be the default, and that shouldn't come as any surprise.

(Having said that, this paradigm can of course infiltrate any community, and I am not saying that any one one group is immunized from or specially privileged against the risks of Christianization. Avoiding that direction of development also requires personal strength of character and a strongly motivated vision of and for the world.)

Also, the religious affiliation numbers are rather misleading, because most people who claim no religious affiliation in the US were nevertheless exposed to Christian (and only to Christian) religious influences growing up, and many actually were religiously Christian in the past even if they aren't now. Better to think of them as "lapsed" Christians than anything. The programming is all still there, and oftentimes the effort of trying to consciously reject it only ends up reaffirming it. This is why many of the worst anti-religionists and ideological atheists in the US are ex-Christians. (And it's why some of the worst sexists are female, some of the worsts racists are non-white, some of the worst fatphobes are fat or ex-fat, etc.)

I have come to think that there isn't much we can do to change people's programming at the individual level, at least in any direct way. But we can shepherd community discourse by challenging, de-privileging, and debunking Christian frameworks in, for instance, our political discourse and policy justifications. It won't directly or immediately change the dominant paradigm in the progressive movement, which is quite an unhealthy mindset and is superior to the conservative position only in its positions on the issues themselves—and, markedly, not on matters of character or the logic and convictions underpinning issue positions.

That last part is important to understand: I have learned that progressives, and to a lesser extent leftists in general, are not generally "friends." They are not automatically nice or righteous or honorable or anything good. They are in fact human beings and therefore many of them are disposed to the same sliminess, cruelty, egotism, petty behavior, and most of all ignorance as rightists, centrists, and apoliticals. The left is broadly better only on the issues, and sometimes not even then, so a useful thing to remember as you go through life is that most of these people are allies at best. They are not necessarily good people, and they will not necessarily come to your aid when you are under attack. If you don't believe me, try being pro-Israel in 2024.

Lastly I want to circle back to human tribalism, because Christianity didn't come from nowhere and it doesn't stick around the way it does for no good reason. Christianity is outstanding at telling people what they want to hear in ways that they are able to receive it. To smash or at least dethrone Christian frameworks in secular and/or progressive spaces, it is important not only to challenge those frameworks but also to observably meet the needs in people that these frameworks have been satisfying.

Ultra-lastly, I also want to caution against overfitting the Christian paradigm explanation for some of these behaviors in secular and progressive spaces. Other things can contribute to this as well. The collectivist mentality continually pushed by the communist left is very unsympathetic toward nonconformance and definitely foments insularity and purity tests in groups—and that's just one example. So does the dogmatism surrounding identity politics and the utter excoriation and even excommunication that frequently occurs if one does not affirm the "right" ideas or even simply the "right" language. Also, leftist spaces in general tend to be fractious, isolated, and reactionary, which is yet another source of behavior that could also be mistakenly ascribed solely to the Christian paradigm. Etc. Accurately identifying the various independent contributing factors to these problematic ways of thinking, speaking, and interacting is important to eventually remediating problematic community norms—or, if nothing else, to extricating oneself from those communities and reducing one's status with regard to them as "ally" and not "member" (i.e., not "part of the problem").

The strange thing about growing up in conservative Christianity and then leaving it behind is that there are a lot of secular/progressive spaces that engage in similar thinking while sincerely believing their ideas are counter to conservative ones. So I thought I would just make a list of things I was taught within conservative Christianity, the stuff that was either the core of our beliefs, or the social dynamics that we created. Some of the language I use is specifically either scriptural, or Christian-speak.

This list isn’t to say “stop thinking this way.” This is actually intended to simply be informative because sometimes social justice spaces assume, “we are crafting our ideals in opposition to conservative ideals therefore whatever we think surely must be the opposite of whatever they think,” without ever seeming to know that their language and ideals look and sound the same.

So, let’s begin:

Sin-leveling: x is bad, and y is bad, and all bad things deserve an equal reaction

Sin-leveling part 2: because all things are equally bad, there’s nothing wrong with inverting the consequences. Hurting others becomes acceptable (because it’s no different than doing something distasteful), doing something distasteful is unforgivable (because it’s no different than doing something harmful)

Avoid all appearance of evil: if I assume that your behavior looks wrong, then you are wrong, even if further context would say otherwise. You should avoid doing anything that others would see as wrong because you are not allowed the benefit of the doubt or to defend yourself.

Sin by association: x company contracted with y company. Y company engages in something sinful, which means x company approves of said sinful thing which means if you purchase from x company, you are condoning, supporting, and have actually committed the sin.

Think only on what is good: or as the pastor of my old church liked to call it, “garbage in, garbage out.” Whatever ideas, thoughts, words, arguments, stories, pictures, books, movies, songs, friends, love you put in your head will create the desire to become that. If you want to be good, you must avoid any bad thought because you will “slip” into wanting it and then be unable to stop yourself from being it. (For example, type into google “is secular music” and click on the autocomplete of “a sin”)

Language as an in-group test: if you do not describe your life, experiences, and beliefs with the exact same vocabulary and in-group speak, you are either not really one of us, or you’re someone who hasn’t thought through their ideas as deeply as I have.

By any means necessary: Also known in the ex-Evangelical world as “lying for Jesus.” If my words create the necessary beliefs and actions in others, then it doesn’t matter if I am exaggerating, saying half-truths, or using manipulative language, because I’m saving others and helping them do what’s right.

Touch not God’s anointed: any critiques of those our community trusts, critiques of those we’ve deemed “the good ones,” are actually people trying to sow discord and disunity to destroy our community and their voice should be silenced because they must be lying.

Judge not lest ye be judged: A scripture that we throw at people when someone says our leadership is abusive, a scripture we cry is being taken out of context when we want to harshly critique someone ourselves. 

There’s more, lots more, but this post is already fairly long. Once again, though, this isn’t intended to be combative. I just want people to know the actual social dynamics that a lot of us grew up with in conservative Christianity communities, so they know when sometimes they’re sharing those social dynamics, not countering them.

[healthwithin]

New strain of Covid-19

From Parasitologist Jelena Borisovna Katashova

The mechanism of Covid-19!

🔸 The virus does NOT cause pneumonia! Pneumonia can be seen on an X-ray! Changes in the case of Covid-19 are visible only on a CT scan, as they are a type of lung burn! 🔸 The virus causes multi-organ pathology! It attacks all organs simultaneously – the brain, spinal cord, kidneys, liver! 🔸 This virus acts like a poison! It breaks down hemoglobin, splitting it into Fe2+ iron ions and heme (a simple protein molecule). There’s no oxygen to bind! Moreover, free iron is toxic! During the virus's attack, this process occurs in all organs simultaneously. No matter how much air the lungs fill with, the body cannot extract oxygen from it! 🔸 Blood oxygen levels will be extremely low; in the liver, enzymatic processes and toxin neutralization will be inhibited, and in the kidneys, toxin elimination will be disrupted. Toxicosis, blood viscosity, and clot formation rapidly increase in the bloodstream. 🔸 In the lungs, under the influence of active atomic iron, a type of tissue burn occurs, causing the release of inflammatory factors and hyaluronic acid.

That’s why artificial lung ventilation is often ineffective! The body quickly deals with the virus itself, but tissue burns take a long time to heal, creating scar tissue and fibrotic connections not only in the lungs. 🔸 Later, infections from chronic inflammation sources (e.g., caries, periodontitis, cholecystitis, tonsillitis, etc.) activate in the damaged tissues, eventually leading to pneumonia!

📍 That’s the nature of this virus!

What to do? 😳 It’s better not to get sick or to recover in a mild form!

Knowing how the disease progresses, the most important thing is: 💧 Healthy and clean blood, liver, and kidneys! Detoxification is everything! Detox will remove toxins, activate enzymes, and help the body overcome oxygen deprivation.

💧 Blood fluidity is crucial! Drink at least 40 ml of water per 1 kg of weight per day! 💧 Only with Coral-Mine water! Drink in small portions throughout the day. Coral-Mine gives water a balanced pH level, surface tension, and a negative charge for proper blood ion exchange processes.

🌱 H-500 will reduce oxidation and toxicosis. This preparation with atomic hydrogen will neutralize inflammation factors. 🌱 Phytoviron – 15 ml, 2–3 times a day. 🌱 Zinc – has a direct blood-strengthening effect. 🌱 Antiviral effects are provided by pau d’arco bark, licorice, and cat’s claw.

📍 If you couldn’t avoid the illness? 📍 If you know you’ve been in contact and the first symptoms appear:

🔸 Take H-500 – 10 capsules in a glass of warm water in the morning and evening. 🔸 Assimilator – 1–2 capsules every 2 hours. 🔸 Pentokan – 1 tablet 3–4 times a day. 🔸 Pau d’arco bark – 5–8 capsules 3–4 times a day. 🔸 Pour boiling water over licorice, let it steep, and drink it while still warm 3–4 times a day. 🔸 Drink water – 70–80 ml per 1 kg of weight! Even if you don’t feel like it, drink water “through reluctance,” as the virus causes a dislike for water. It dehydrates the body, leading to thrombosis at any age!

❗️ Thrombosis causes mortality, even in seemingly recovered stages!

Prepare your body now so that it can fight these diseases, and have your home pharmacy kit on hand.

[ainaosei]

Yesterday the neuropsychologist said that I might have a mood disorder instead of a neurodevelopmental disorder and to be honest I don't know what to think because somehow I feel like I have both (?)

When I think about the possibilities I relate emotionally and mentally to my dad's behaviour. He was a problematic man, alcoholic (I'm not but just because I avoid drinking due to trauma but when I was younger I used to drink to socialize), very aggressive and still used to have a very restrict routine and he never felt bothered by that. There are more things that are also related to some disorders criteria and I do believe we are both problematic because of something else™.

Unfortunately he will never have a chance to get an assessment due to his dementia (this is why I talk about him in the past) and while I'm on my own research, I've found some quite interesting things about myself that somehow I can relate to his problematic behaviour and I believe mostly are due to all the trauma etc BUT STILL there are things that I keep since from my childhood, so I don't know if it is just a mood disorder.

Talking about myself, I was a very curious kid and my interests never matched to my own age, which lead me to deal with bullies for almost my whole childhood/teenage years. I thought I had many friends but in fact I was never included in some activities like parties and all the social stuff even during my early twenties, so I endend up making fantasies on my own about what would be a perfect life.

(And that's how I found that in fact, I didn't like being with others that much and socializing was a very overwhelming activity for me - also, the alone time is the only moment where I can rest and feel like a functional person again.)

I'm also a very restrictive person when I talk about my routine and any slight change lead me to an emotional crisis where I can barely eat, bath or leave the house. I have this sense of perfection to function properly and I like to play the sims as a way to reorganize my brain when I'm too overhwelmed by regular life tasks - and it helps!

Regarding sensory issues, when I was a kid I never liked to eat. I was a very, very thin girl who hated to feel the textures of almost everything. Today I eat compulsively but still there are foods - like fruits, for example - that make me completely sick. I always throw up if I eat banana or papaya. I also hate the smell of smoothies for the same reason. Another fact is that I do have a good nose (smell?) for things and it's SO annoying because some smells also gives me the sick vibes - just like some sounds and images (?), I really don't get it. On the other hand, I do love listening to music to the point of feeling goosebumps and when I'm into some band/artist, my focus will remain for a very long period of time (that's how I still listen the same Allah-las and The Growlers songs for the past seven years). Listening to music also helps me to keep focused on some activies like just playing one particular song on repeat for hours and I enjoy it so much that I takes a lot of time to feel bored by doing this.

I do like music tho.

My stimming behaviour and hyperfixations are something quite particular so I don't know how to share this but I do have some.

On the other hand, thinking about my general mood, I'm a very emotional person. If someone is upset, so am I. If my boyfriend is feeling sad for some reason, I instantly feel sad as well even knowing that it's his sadness, not mine. I'm also alwas irritated about every single thing and I DO HATE THIS FEELING because everything in life seems to bother me almost on a pathological level and I don't know why. I just have this anger like a not so dormant volcano that sums up when I'm too overwhelmed by the existence in this universe. My mood changes a little bit fast but it happens more when I feel dirty before a bath for example or when it's too hot, when everything is loud and specially when the environment doesn't give me some space to process everything.

Following, I also deal with insomnia since I was 15 - probably - and I only can have a good amount of sleep with medications. Also, I don't know if I turned out to be a night owl because of this but my brain is just "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" during the day. I love the peace and quiet of the night because I feel productive and relaxed but it ruins my daily routine.

I'm not sure if any of these mean something, but for a person who has been in theraphy for almost ten years with a chronical depression, dealing with anxiety since I was a kid, a two years on medication (and probably a misdiagnosed ocd and bpd - my psychiatrist diagnosed me but for some reason refused to make my diagnosis oficial which is suspicious), an unsuccessful academic life, almost with no friends because I struggle so hard to deal with people, an inabillity to do basic tasks and a constat imbalace of energy - sometimes I'm on high speed, other times I'm as slow as a snail -, I mean... I don't know. It has to mean something, isn't it? I can't wait to have some answers.