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kylekozmikdeluxo · 2 months ago

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Diary time, once more. Long post warning, as usual.

Some people who were mature enough to experience it have said on various social media platforms I use that this November is giving... November 2004.

20 years ago.

Recently, I did a little post on here about a few things that I was into circa fall 2004 and how some new animated stuff that came out this autumn was similar to that. TRANSFORMERS ONE lined up with my love of BIONICLE and MEGAS XLR and stuff like that back in the day, and THE WILD ROBOT with its nature themes, seasonal timeline, and North American animal characters lined up w/ my then-obsession with BROTHER BEAR, a movie that was about a year old by the time I was regularly spinning my DVD of it. Now also throw in PIECE BY PIECE, a LEGO movie featuring music that was big circa 2003-2005... And Orange Fartfrog winning a second term Grover Cleveland-style... Ohhhhh shit. It really do be Kyle's 2004-Core, huh?

Anyways, I was 12 when Dubya was re-elected. I was completely oblivious to pretty much any and all political matters at that age. I was aware he was president and that a lot of people did not like him at all, and a few other things (obviously 9/11 and everything being about terrorism). I tuned out whenever my family talked politics at dinner or get-togethers or whatever.

Now, my life was far from perfect at that time. I have as many terrible memories as I do good ones from that period, and the good ones are just so good that I really cherish them. I guess those middle school-era memories are ingrained in one's brain, eh? All those interests you made and collected, all the creative endeavors you pursued, core stuff to you. Oh, to be an oblivious scrunkly weird kid again, without the bullshit, getting all excited about your obsessions and looking forward to seeing those friends of yours at school who make going slightly less horrible. No financial worries or anything like that, though if I was openly queer back then... Ho-ho-hoooo no. And Dubya went after queers, his re-election did center eliminating gay marriage.

And being in middle school, that's when I started to experience those queer-er feelings a little bit more than ever before. I remember drawing characters of mine crossdressing a lot, and generally being like "ladies". I wanted to wear women's clothes, and often read the fashion magazines that were in my house... But little beyond that. Using "gay" as a slur, an insult, was common back then, too. I did my fair share of that back when I thought I was a cis-male, hanging out with other male classmates and being an asshole like they were. I didn't know anyone at the time who was openly gay or trans or any kind of queer, either. I have an uncle who is queer, but I didn't discover that he is just that until a few years later. Mid-2008 I want to say. That helped kill whatever queerphobia was stinking up the insides of my brain back in the day. Where was I? Oh yeah, so it was both that and also wanting to wear a skirt and high fashion boots and be ladylike. Men wearing those things, oooh naughty... And kinda sexy. What a dichotomy, and I largely kept that a big secret. And yet I didn't in some ways, weirdly. It wasn't enough to make my folks suspect anything, interestingly. Again, drawing my characters crossdressing, them crossdressing in parts of those stories just because. The plot barely called for it.

But, those feelings of bliss remain something I long for. Suppose I woke up tomorrow morning, and the only thing my 32-year-old ass had to worry about was... Oh, I dunno, I fell a little bit behind in making my comic or I lost a game or I didn't go and get that milkshake I've been craving. No, in 2004, that was all pelted by shit. Like how terrible school could be for me, and other assorted unfair things. I also tended to be a little shit back then. If I can redo 2004 with my brain as it is now? Oh goodness, it'd be something lol.

Whereas most adults in 2004 who didn't drink conservative arsenic (as opposed to what they call "Liberal Kool-Aid"), they've said that November 2004 felt just like these past few weeks: Bleak, the feeling that it was all over, and utter disappointment in Americans who re-elected him.

And yet, Dubya tripped up once more, fucked up even harder, Democrats kicked ass in the 2006 midterms, and the electorate got fed up over time. Thus, in 2008, all changed. Literally. But I suspect many Americans like that just have some kind of collective amnesia, or they're naive enough to believe that that badness they hated about Dubya wouldn't happen again. Thus, Discount Mussolini getting elected in 2016 and again this year.

Maybe the 2026 and 2028 elections repeat 2006 and 2008.

I don't subscribe to defeatism, so miss me with that "if we even HAVE elections by then", please go process your worries elsewhere. If anything, Orange Turdgoblin and his band of fucked-up freaks will do a record-breaking speedrun of Dubya's second term, and Americans will be fed up in no time. If those proposed tariffs are anything to go by, ditto other things. The "moderates" who seem to decide our elections every cycle, who voted for him based on "vibes"... are going to be disappointed very soon, I feel. More ammo for us to regain the Senate and the House, and roadblock him once more. Like we did after 2018. As bad as that first term was, I can only imagine how much WORSE it could've been.

And once his time is up... Who are we left with in the GOP in 2028? Juice-less bores who have none of that guy's supposed "charisma", as far as I can see. And that includes the utterly creepy-ass VP-elect. But, that's far off. Midterms are my priority first and foremost, and whatever elections are held next November.

Maybe if I were 32 in the year 2004, I would've had similar feelings. Maybe even worse, because as far as I can see, the country was way less accepting of people like me back in those days. Some elder queers here and there have confirmed that for me, through talking about their experiences and what life was like back then. Maybe I would've felt way worse in 2004 if I were that age and were well aware of who I am. It's possible I wouldn't have been!

No, on the morning after Election Day, I felt so awful and just deeply disappointed in so many people. Angry, terrified. I spedrun a gamut of emotions and anxiety whirlwinds for a few days. On that day, I still had it in me to pull myself together to go see a movie, and I did. I saw PIECE BY PIECE, on one of its last days at cinema. Where I also happen to work. And I still saw some of my co-workers, and after that... I still had people to read from online to help me process all of this stuff... So, I had some help, even if it wasn't the amount I'd like to have (such as more security and options in case something is to go wrong for me), it's still something.

I then kicked my own ass and said "Well Kyle, things could go very badly over the next few years... Better go make your comic and other stuff, then! Even if it's shit, go out there and make a thing!" So I did. And I will continue to do so. I don't know what will happen to me from now until early 2029, so, I might as well get going on something. Make each day count. COVID-19 and other complications did that for me back in 2020-21, I took risks and made life strides I wouldn't have imagined doing merely a year prior to that. I want to keep that up.

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shana-reviews-tmblr · 3 months ago

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Let me give folks some context here incase they read Ant's part and wondered why Lily liking Seth Macfarlane is a bad thing.

Lily's favorite ep of Family guy is the episode where Ida, Quagmire(the rapists) father comes out as trans.

according to Lily she loves that Ida is not portrayed as a sterotype and that her character is overall wonderful

to this i agree, Ida never acts like an insult to who a Transperson is nor does she act like a stereotype. (compare this to another transperson from S1 but i digress)

so what's the problem?

Lily neglects to ever really talk about how EVERYONE ELSE acts in the episode and how the humor treats Ida like a punching bag

Examples:

-Brian discovers he slept with a trans person after feeling proud and happy that he met a woman he saw as wonderful and intelligent who he felt he had a connection with. what does he do? he barfs for a full minute nonstop after screaming his lungs out in horror.

-Peter and Lois can't get it through their heads that Being Trans =/= Being Gay because they think that being a Trans person means you're actually a gay person who just wants to sleep with men.

-when Ida comes out to Glenn during the early half of the episode, the moment is treated as the worst revelation for Quagmire because his response?

"oh come on just say you're gay"

like seriously? being Gay is better than being trans? is that the joke? is that what you want folks to take away from this?

oh and let's not forget the shots taken at Gay people where after hearing all of Ida's shipmates make puns that "hint" Ida might be gay, Quagmire starts panicking.

and book ending this with Brian, after he finishes barfing, he takes a shower because apparently making out with a trans person made him feel "unclean" and he is visibly horrifying at having to think about how he made out with a trans person and when Quagmire learns Brian slept with Ida he went to beat his ass and how does it end?

Brian takes a shot at him by saying "I f***ked your dad"

after Brian showed so much disgust earlier at the thought of how he slept with a Trans Woman, he misgenders Ida on top of pulling a 180 and using him sleeping with Ida as a way to take a shot at Quagmire

Why? because now HE can benefit from that moment for one act of pettiness, using Ida as a means to take a shot at her son, who i remind you all at this point had long since came out with why he hates Brian and gave him the longest "reason you suck" speech.

Quagmire is no better than Brian, but for Brian to pull this shit just to get 1 shot at Glenn is beyond disgusting.

so yeah for this to be Lily's favorite episode says a LOT about her.

oh and just to add this to this, her other favorite episode on her top list is the episode where Meg, an abuse victim, called out her entire family for what they've done to her and how horrible they were and at the end was forced to set things back to how they were and resume her role as an abuse victim taking the blame and being seen by her family as a liar who made up stories about them to vent out and in Brians words "was a noble thing to do"

All I can say is that Lily more than likely will defend her takes saying she liked the moments Meg took a stand and that she liked Ida

but that does not make the episodes good nor does it mean they should be seen as something to enjoy.

for Meg's ep it's absolute garbage and because her taking a stand against her abusers is rendered pointless and having to "get bck in line" is treated as a good thing.

For Ida, at most her episode is a cynical view of trans people struggling because you could be wonderful like Ida, but the world will never accept you and you're there to benefit others when they see fit and at worst it's a thinly disguised story that thinks it's poking fun at trans people in a fun way when it's really showcasing how bad they have it and making it seem like it's not a big deal.

just, wow Lily way to show how much you care of LGBTQ rep and how they can be treated as well as how funny it is that an abuse victim can stand up for themselves but then has to get back in line and be the lightning rod.

Oh come on! So Avatar is just Dances With Wolves meets A Princess Of Mars with the prose of Robert Heinlein, that doesn't make it "hot garbage". After all, there's no such as an "original story". If you wanted an original story, you would need to go back in time to stop the Epic Of Gilgamesh being put to tablet or The Iliad being written to scroll. Regardless, Avatar is still a good, enjoyable movie.

..........

Lily Orchard, let me say this thing, this teeny, tiny, little thing, from the very bottom of my heart:

GO TO HELL.

#lily orchard #lily orchard critical

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dickytwister · 4 years ago

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HEY do you maybe have like an oc page or could you tell me something about all your ocs because i'm Interested and you have my full attention :eyes:

AHSJDKGLHL that's so sweet i'm nfjghl???? i don't have an oc page bc i'm the embodiment of an old man being given an iphone after 50 years of using a rotary phone but !!! i can yell abt them a bit aaa thank you for asking abt them 🥺🥺💚

i put everything under the cut bc dear god i have a lot to say abt my kids and i'm not gonna make everyone scroll through that HHHHHH haw 🤠🤠

elliot fletcher

- he's my deputy in fc5!! he's from waverly in iowa and he's just...very tired nfjfkhl give my poor man a break

- everytime his radio crackles he ages 10 years and if it's john talking add another 10 years

- he keeps the three heralds alive but he doesn't care abt joseph <3

- gets in trouble bc he's impulsive af nfjghl when jacob is close to the cage?? ram his face in the bars. when john leans like rlly close in the confession scene?? headbutt 😌🙏🏼

- the only people who know abt his past are earl, grace, faith and john, the rest just kinda speculate and elliot lets them believe what they want bc not only does he rlly not want ppl to know the actual truth, it's also very funny to listen to the stuff they can come up with

- speaking of faith he often seeks her for advice and sometimes they get high together and he gets teary eyed bc she's just... very nice to him and when all you see everyday is violence it's overwhelming to be shown a little bit of kindness 🥲🙏🏼

- he's in love with john but also he'd kick him across the county if he could but also he'd give his life for him

- after the bombs and all he unlocks his final form and becomes A Husband™, complete with a beard, a scarf and bad jokes that make john want to officially marry him so he can divorce his ass

- fun fact i came up with the name elliot fletcher bc i thought it sounded neat but recently i found out there's a trans actor called elliot fletcher too??? like what were the odds ngl that's so cool

carter quill

- this is my character in the marvel dnd game my brother is dming!!

- his parents are peter quill and kitty pryde and he inherited his mom's powers (so he can become immaterial and stuff uwu) and his dad's tiny pebble brain~

- he grew up on a ship with the guardians so his family is just... a bunch of uncles, one of which is a tree

- he's part of an initiative called the peacekeepers with isaaq cage (luke cage's and jessica jones' son), finneas "zorn" reeves (brock rumlow's and sinthea shmidt's son), lu "highway star" khan (the mandarin's son), alexis "hex" pythagoras (doctor strange's protégé) and ev-lin (ronan the destroyer's daughter who also happens to be carter's bully when they were 11 HHHHHH)

- everyone agrees that carter is just... a puppy. a little labrador. so overexcited. head empty. he doesn't know what's going on but he's having fun with his friends and that's what matters <3

- he died once and went to hell for like 66 years bc he held a bomb while it was exploding but he got better and he doesn't remember most of his time in hell but also he's a lil traumatised

- he wears cute skirts sometimes and also froggie themed clothes 🥰🥰 he's terrible at applying nail polish and it ends up smudged most of the time bc he can't sit still for more than two minutes without going insane but he still likes it

- he has a pet bird called ink!! he thought it was a nice name bc his last name is quill so u know,,, ink,,, quill,,,, he inherited his dad's terrible humor also

- he's fruity and has a big fat crush on one of his teammates 😳😳👉🏼👈🏼

- he strictly refuses to kill, so he uses stunt energy guns and a three section staff to fight!! he accidentally killed someone once and threw up

- he knows asl and is fluent in it!! he's also very bad at reading measurements when cooking (and reading in general) so he relies on their proto-ai, dadji, to help him cook and he listens to audiobooks a lot!!

- idk what else to say abt him except like two games ago he was in the hospital bc lu got hurt and he wanted to get him muffins from a coffee shop across the streets but he panicked when faced with the selection so he bought one of each and came back to the hospital room with like,,,, twenty muffins

- i found this pic of his face claim and it honestly just radiates his vibe so here have it

thorgran galvish

- he's my dwarf enchanter from another homebrew dnd game!! in this universe (and maybe others idk shit abt actual dnd HHHH forgive me) enchanter dwarves are lowkey enslaved bc of their rare link with magic

- thorgran blew up a wall and ran away to the surface so now he's a fugitive and he's constantly on the run uwu trust issues ensue

- he loves the sky so much?? especially at night?? he knows abt constellations, but he thinks they're just whatever you see in the stars and doesn't know there are like,,, actual constellations so he sits on the roof of a tall building sometimes and finds his own constellations

- he also tries to draw them but he rlly sucks at it aslkdsgl that doesn't stop him from filling his journal with little stars and drawings!!

- during my very first game with him he found his rival, who turned out to be a 16 years old teenager?? millennial/gen z rivalry

- agh i don't have much abt him yet bc i've only just started to play him but he's my beefiest boy and also a dilf 🥰🥰

theadric "elder" montajay

- yet another character from the same universe as thorgran, but this time it's a funky little halfling bard

- his instrument is the violin!! he tried every other instrument and his mom was very supportive despite how bad he was at all of them. his community was raided and his father died, so he inherited his violin and that turned out to be the only instrument he could play

- took his love of the economy to the next level when he decided to fuck every gang leader he could find to control their operations and ruin their organizations so the money they hoarded could be put back in circulation

- accidentally fell in love with a half-orc gang leader and was abt to tell him the truth abt what he was doing but was exposed by the first person he'd cheated so he had to run without explaining himself to his lover smh ://

- "i don't wanna fall in the slutty bard cliché," i say before immediately giving elder the tightest leather pants and opening his shirt to show his majestic chest hair.

- surprisingly good with kids?? anyone younger than him who looks sad becomes His Child and he turns into a lil mama, tasting the food of an inn first to assure it's not poisoned, giving hugs, soft shit like that ngl he's just a mom 😔😔

- we abandoned the game he was in but we left off when he'd just escaped a dwarven prison with his new child and others owo anyway slutty bard with chest hair?? that's just the witcher's jaskier

scylla

- my gay pirate lady!! i don't have much abt her either bc AAA BRAINROT but !!! i still love her very much

- she's a hybrid between a human and a psaarinch (fish folks in our homebrew universe uwu) and she looks very human except she has like shark abilities?? she can smell blood, taste with her skin, breathe underwater for like two hours or smth, sharper teeth,,

- she started off as a privateer but like what was the kingdom gonna do?? track her down to make sure everything she did was legal?? nah man she got that sweet fleet and became a pirate

- she beats men up in inns and gives their wives a good time <3

- she's very close to her crew and they're kinda just a big family

- she fights with those s-shaped staffs?? but they're actually blades ngfhl she's very agile and looks like she's dancing when she's actually fighting

- fun fact she's my second shark oc the first one was called maito and she was a yellow lantern in a dc game we did (the main difference between them is that maito loved men while scylla is very much a lesbian 😌🙏🏼)

i have like so many more of them but that's already such a long post and i don't wanna do too much NGL if u wanna know more hmu i'll yell some more 😎😎🙏🏼🙏🏼

#thanks so much for asking abt my ocs man wha t #i'm still like terrified of posting abt my ocs bc :)) but i love talking abt them!! esp elliot and carter they're rlly my bestest boys the #my ocs: elliot fletcher #my ocs: carter quill #my ocs: thorgran galvish #my ocs: elder #my ocs: scylla #god i wanna rant abt my inquisitor too i ???? okay #better luck next time!! my brain is on fire #might fuck around and post abt him soon anyway hehe #nuclearvessel #answered;#i'm gonna queue this bc i'm genuinely scared of posting it HHHH #i tried the new tumblr editor thing it better work or i'll shove an entire wii remote up my ass #i literally have so much to say abt carter it's actually insane

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jemstarearrings · 4 years ago

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This might be late, but from your ask prompt, questions 1,6,8,10,12,15,16 and 18

I think I’ve answered a few of these already, so I’ll go ahead and answer the ones I *didn’t* do!

6. Do you read the comics? No, I don’t. Aside from not living anywhere near a comic book store, a few years ago an IDW writer found an untagged post on my personal blog venting about some identity politics regarding the Transformers (whether or not it was canon I don’t even remember, it was about someone trying to convince people that female transformers were all trans or whatever, some dumb bullshit hot take) and they called me a “whiny pissbaby.” I tried to defend myself honestly, but they just kept insulting me with childish insults and ignoring everything I said. Some folks dogpiled me, I got some really nasty anons, it was bad. Not as bad as my experience with Noelle Stevenson, fortunately, but enough to make me angry and bitter.

I don’t support IDW comics at all now. I don’t buy any IDW comics, and neither does the rest of my family. I don’t read them, either; no piracy, no standing around a store reading them, no nothing. I never have anything nice to say about IDW, and I never plan to. So help me god I will stay bitter and angry until the very end. “Whiny pissbaby” indeed.

That being said, I’ve seen plenty about the comics, and I’ve got Opinions™ that you could pretty much summarize as “I’m sick and tired of social justice warriors.” I know that phrase doesn’t have meaning in the year of our lord 2020 but whatever. I could get into it for ages, I better not. I just turn into Old Man Yells At Cloud.

8. Hot Take lmao speaking of hot takes. I just don’t like Raya and Jetta that much. I feel like they don’t add a whole lot to the dynamics, particularly Raya, who immediately turned into a background character after the season 2 premiere. Like idk, she’s just kinda boring. :\ I also really don’t like how she’s also pink, but Jem is pink, like, get your own color Raya, damn.

12. Least Favorite Character ...maybe Raya lol. There’s nothing wrong with her, I suppose, she’s just kind of boring. I’m not feelin’ her that much. Rio sucks absolute butts though. He’s always SO MOODY and unreasonable and explosive. Jerrica needs to ditch him until he straightens up, I swear.

15. If you rebooted Jem, what would you change? What would you keep the same? HAAAY lol. I don’t have a lot I’d change, but I do want to kind of emphasize the Jem/Jerrica difference. I’d want to make Jerrica more shy, less likely to kick ass and take names like Jem. She could totally come out of her shell and use that experience as Jem to get better at standing up for herself over time, but from the beginning I think it’d be legit to make Jerrica more of a pushover, so she could grow into this badass woman takin’ care of business. Like her alter-ego strengthens her and allows her to find that part of herself that means business.

I also would like to see Kimber and Stormer actually be a unit, because...my god, it’s so obvious what they wanted to do in the original series but just couldn’t. And granted the episode had to wrap up in 22 minutes so I understand why they couldn’t get into that even without Standards and Practices not liking gay things, but still.

As far as the same goes, I feel like I wouldn’t be as radically different as some reboots would be, I want to keep a lot of what made Jem special still present. The big hair, the outfits, the colors, the music, a lot of it is just timeless even if it’s from the 80s, and making it hyper-modern or even futuristic just...idk, it feels like it takes away some of what made Jem special. I’d like to keep a sort of timeless quality to it, where it could be happening in the 80s or the modern-day, but it doesn’t really matter anyway. I know that music recording technology has changed drastically since so I’d kind of have to pick a side, but eh? *shrug*

though honestly now that I’m thinking about it, the intro to the series is really convoluted and has a lot of stuff going on (Howard Sands, the mansion, the battle of the bands, countess duvo...however you spell her name, Kimber splitting the group, Ashley adjusting to being a Starlight girl,) I feel like if I made a reboot, I’d want to expand those first 5 episodes into the whole first season. Make it compelling, get a little deeper into each story, and that way when it all ties together in the end, it’s more satisfying because it’s a season finale. Then we can hop into the second season with the Starbright trilogy and probably stretch that out a little too. Get more mileage from the old story arcs before making brand new ones.

16. Ideal voice cast for a reboot? Oof, that’s hard. I don’t know a whole awful lot about who’s out there singing/voice acting right now. I do know I want Kesha to do Pizzazz, though I’m not sure if she would considering she’s changing her life in the wake of the whole Dr. Luke thing. I think Mandy Moore (Rapunzel) could make a cute Kimber...and naturally I’m inclined to pick VAs from shows I watch, like Grey DeLisle or that one woman who voices literally every black girl on TV Cree Summer. I haven’t thought about it enough.

Though something I wonder, Techrat was meant to be androgynous in the bible, but in the show he was this like, Cobra commander raspy whisper, so maybe Techrat’s voice should change completely...hmmm.

#jem #jath #jem and the holograms #Anonymous

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monaedroid · 6 years ago

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Janelle Monáe: Trans Folks to the Front

Story by Peyton Dix

Sometimes it's hard to be proud during Pride. Janelle Monáe attended her first ever Pride parade this June in New Orleans. That same day a(nother) trans woman of color by the name of Layleen Polanco was found dead in her cell at Rikers. The 27-year-old House of Xtravaganza member is one of 12 trans women killed this year on record, and underlines an increasing issue of violence against Queer and Trans People of Color (QTPOC). Although these exist separately, Pride is oftentimes a month that makes it much easier to focus on the former (parades, rainbows and glitter that gets stuck in your hair for years) instead of the latter (the fact that many queer people are still largely at risk of violence and oppression).

Over the phone, Monáe unpacks parts of her past and dives into the 2018 Grammy-nominated Dirty Computer, but her passion pops out elsewhere. She mostly leans into battling bullies ("We have to be taught how to deal with bullies and bullies need to be taught the repercussions of bullying somebody"), creating active change ("Sexual identity needs to be taught in school. There should be courses on mental health, how to coexist, how we can all learn from each other"), and the importance of empowering and standing up for QTPOC ("In the same way we want white folks to support us and be better allies and use their privilege to make change in those power dynamics, it's up to us to protect those who may not be as privileged").

Throughout the conversation, Monáe is steady in the way she speaks, but her tone shifts and her pace increases when reaching these topics. The performer's anger and sadness are palpable and warranted. "I look to Indya Moore, Mj Rodriquez, Janet Mock (my Pose family)... Laverne Cox, those women are putting themselves and their lives on the frontline everyday. When their trans sisters and brothers get murdered, they feel it. We have to support them... It's just a responsibility I feel. I could do better. I'll do better."

This isn't the first time Monáe, someone at the epicenter of pop culture, has recentered the narrative to focus more on one of the most othered groups in the LGBTQ community instead of herself. Although Monáe can only attest to her own experiences, she has actively made sure to advocate, and make space, for her entire LGBTQIA community. Her performance of Dirty Computer's "Americans" on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert opens on Pose star Mj Rodriquez, who's trans, before the camera slowly pulls out to reveal a group of POC femmes holding each other. She sings a song that says:

Until women can get equal pay for equal work This is not my America Until same gender loving people can be who they are This is not my America Until black people can come home from a police stop Without being shot in the head This is not my America

Monáe publicly dedicated her two Grammy nominations to her "trans brothers and sisters," who she says "are shunned from these sorts of events." Institutional award shows, including the Grammys, are inherently and historically spaces of white, cis, male privilege. While they have recently gotten Blacker, our understanding of diversity must always continue to grow more intersectional. This is part of what Monáe is working toward herself, and advocating for from her audience.

Dirty Computer itself was an honoring of the 'other,' full of anthems for the ostracized. The genesis of the project was birthed from her understanding of Monáe's own self. Her "walking in truth" got her two Grammy nods, a GLAAD Media Award for Outstanding Music Artist, and was named one of the Albums of the Year by The New York Times, Complex, TIME, and Rolling Stone, among others.

But it isn't these accolades that make Monáe proud. In fact, it was her choice to do something scary, to take a risk and tell the truth, and thankfully that resonated. "I'm just happy that my personal story has also been personal stories for so many other people. There's so many young people who grew up in the South or Baptist families, who were told that they won't be accepted by Christ. They can listen to this album and feel hugged. They can feel loved. They can feel seen. They can feel heard. That's the most beautiful thing." Monáe's fans were not just able to find parallels with her journey, but able to find validation in being "dirty." With this album she extended an open hand.

"Folks who are not comfortable speaking out about your sexuality publicly, we see you and you are valid and you matter."

Right before dropping Dirty Computer Monáe came out as pansexual in Rolling Stone, calling herself a "free ass motherf*cker." She reinforced that notion with songs like "Make Me Feel," "Crazy, Classic, Life," and "Django Jane." She solidified it every time she championed free gender expression with her clothing, and drove home the point when her boob winked at us this past Met Gala. Monáe is so exceptionally herself, so sacred in her skin, which shines not only through her music but in her powerful roles in 2016 films Moonlight and Hidden Figures Her character in Moonlight, Teresa, a pseudo-guardian to the young, Black, gay protagonist Chiron, sees many parallels with Monáe herself. She is strong, proud, protective, nurturing and poised. But that wasn't always the case.

Monáe grew up in Kansas City in a Baptist church, with a Christian family and in shoes very different from the ones she walks in now. She remembers being quite young when she realized she was queer, and although the vocabulary wasn't there, the feelings were. "I was like eight," she remembers. "I don't think I actually knew how I identified. I knew that I was attracted to women, girls, men, boys. I knew that." Like many LGBTQIA+ people raised in more rural and religious areas, Monáe found it difficult to ask those questions without feeling ostracized.

"I've seen people get beat up because they were considered to be 'too feminine' or 'too masculine' for how they identified," she says. Some of those people were family friends, including a gay male friend of her aunt's, whom she watched be shunned from his community. "It was because of Black men who thought he was trying to come onto them, but he wasn't," Monáe says, "It was their own ignorance and insecurity and fear that led them to lash out. When I saw that..." her voice trails off. "To be a gay Black man, and Black men are like the 'heads of the households' and I'm a Black woman, this young kid. I thought, then it's really over for me."

Imagining that side of Monáe's experience is difficult now that she's cultivated such a strong and specific voice around queer politics and gender identity. It's hard to imagine that side of her experience having seen her on her Dirty Computer tour last year, and having been part of the sea of voices in Madison Square Garden shouting "I'm dirty, I'm proud" back at her. Pride has become such a staple in her narrative and her art.

But this month it's all too easy to feel forced into living your most out and proud life, when for many that's actually much easier said than done. "We have to make sure that we don't pressure people to come out," Monáe says. "Everybody doesn't have the same set of circumstances. There are people, young people in particular, that will be cut off from their family, hanged or jailed if they walked in their truth. Folks who are not comfortable speaking out about your sexuality publicly, we see you and you are valid and you matter. We have to protect our babies, especially in the LGBTQIA+ community. We have to do better. "

Photographer: Kelia Anne 1st Assistant: Carlos Quinteros Jr. Gaffer: Brandon Waddell Hair: Nikki Nelms Makeup: Jessica Smalls Stylist: Alexandra Mandelkorn Nails: Kim Truong & Diem Truong (using KISS Nails at Star Touch Agency) Location: Smashbox Studios

http://www.papermag.com/janelle-monae-pride-2638969039.html

#janelle monae #janellemonae #papermag #lgbtq #lgbtqia+#pride #transgender #style #fashion

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coldmilkshaketrash · 4 years ago

Note

🔫 Trans asks 1-20 let’s go babe

Well alright hun if you’re lusting for stuff about me that bad...

1. How did I choose my name?

Honestly, I just kinda found some I liked the sound of, that were kinda of femby-esc, and just whittled it down from there till I was left with one I really liked.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

That’s pretty much joint between facial hair that grows back so damn fast, and being misgendered/deadnamed, which my family just LOVES to do, so ya.

3. More physical dysphoria or social?

Social. By far more social due to the fact I have literally no confidence and have pretty severe anxiety and paranoia too.

4. What do you do to perform self-care when feeling dysphoric?

Put on my playlist, effectively lock myself in my room depending on how bad it is, wear fishnets/thigh highs under my jeans along with panties etc, wear make up like blush that no ones really going to see/notice because wearing masks, that kinda thing.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were trans?

Honestly idek, my memory is already shattered but all I know is I’ve had feminine quirks/ways of doing things for ages sooo maybe that after it was pointed out to me.

6. When did you realize you were trans?

After a long talk with an enbie friend and a few mental break downs along the way, a few years ago now is when I first realized for sure I wasn’t cis basically, before then I just thought I was queer or something along those lines.

7.What is your favorite part about being transgender?

This isn’t something I’ve ever thought of as I’m normally looking a the...more terrible side of things such as how it means my human rights are up for debate etc, but I guess after some thought I’d just say meeting other trans folk and just how open we can all be to each other and just how insanely caring everyone is, at least in my circles.

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

Femby. Non-binary with strong fem leanings, and fem presenting. Or just eldritch abomination works too.

9. How did you come out?

By having several panic attacks before hand, dumping, and then just running away before the barrage of questions began, because my family for some ungodly reason expects me to be a Wikipedia for all things trans, and it really gets to me.

10. What are your experiences with tucking/packing?

Well tucking for me, since amab, but pretty terrible because I’m an incompetent idoit incapable of doing anything, and its only ever been to allow me to...well actually fit my thongs without exposing myself by having something hanging out.

11. What are your experiences wearing breast forms/binding?

None, literally never worn either. I’m poor asf and I need food more than anything rn too so not the biggest priority on my list either.

12. Do you pass?

Nope.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to transition?

The only thing I don’t want is bottom surgery, I hate my voice big time, I hate all my body hair, and I just hate my body for the most part, except the ass, the ass is ok. So, its more a case of don't I want to do.

14. How long have you been out?

About a year now.

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

Literally just she/her and they/them, either works for me.

16. Have you experienced transphobia?

I’m from the UK, so, most definitely yes.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

Literally only been to work in terms of public areas, and its retail,, we only have a single toilet so its completely gender neutral and I haven't had to think about it at all.

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

They claim to support me, yet often deadname and misgender me, that should give you some idea.

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why?

Nope, but I wish I could, aside from a few people.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trnas?

I just wish I was actually informed etc, so more just tell them what it is/means etc.

#my asks #bb #trans #transgender #😘

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the-bjd-community-confess · 5 years ago

Text

DoA megapost (22 confessions)

Mod: So https://true-bjd-confessions.tumblr.com/post/189300138511/mod-due-to-excessive-offtopic-arguing-in-the

All you guys’ pending DoA confessions presented in no specific order, before we move into the hold, as announced above.

To be clear: I think this is a feature DoA should have yesterday. It’s completely inappropriate to force people to use deadnames and names which are related to traumatic life experiences, or be banned.

However, *weary sigh, gesturing at the multiple 70+ reply confessions on this topic* people told me they were finding the rapidly escalating discussion to be upsetting and offputting, and that’s not my goal for this blog. ❤️

I am exceptionally weary of all the DoA hate over the person who got banned over making a new account after not being allowed to change their user name. DoA isn’t the only doll forum out there. If you don’t like their rules, don’t join. I for one find their rules about on- and off-topic dolls to be unfair and arbitrary as hell, but in the end it comes down to their house, their rules. Move on.

~Anonymous

Us: Sure would be nice to maybe be able to change your name on DOA.

Some of y’all: Are you asking for anarchy?? If we allow this, what’s next?? A reasonable review of outdated rules??? The rules are there for a reason!!1! The reason may be antiqued because technology has updated and changed since then, meaning there are better solutions available, but it’s still a reason so we DEFINITELY should NEVER change!! Change is too scary for me. :( You’re bullies who want to be special :((( Stop that :(

~Anonymous

I love seeing people get so offended at anon saying “bigots”. How do you know it was about you ? Guilty conscience? DOA could allow name changes if they really wanted to. There are other hobbies where they forbid certain people from entering forums while still allowing name changes. It’s not hard if you really care.

~Anonymous

Honestly the way people fall all over themselves to defend DoA against any sort of criticism (regardless of how you personally feel about the validity of said criticism, reader) makes me glad I never got into the community aspect of this hobby. It's just... stressful.

~Anonymous

The transphobia in the comments on this blog in particular are so gross. Being a bigot makes your dolls instantly hideous. And no, I’m not saying everyone who is defending DOAs decision is transphobic. I’m talking about the one who thinks trans people transitioning is wrong and their friends. You’re gross and so are your dolls.

~Anonymous

scammers can & will get around DOA's no name change policy, it's really not that safe. also, DOA isn't the only website which allows the sale of high-value items.

~Anonymous

First it's "if you want name changes coded in DoA, offer to do it yourself!", then it's "why tf would DoA accept some rando to help code their site?" make up your goddamn mind, your argument is falling apart.

Also when did this issue become "DoA vs trans people"? Like, I like DoA yet I also recognize it should be more accessible and updated for the modern userbase. I want it to become as good as it can be because I like the community and would hate to see it die out like so many other forum sites do. Yes, it has flaws- and believe me, the folks who get extremely upset about the idea of admitting that embarrass me- but I liked the format since I was new to the hobby. I just wish it was more inclusive!

~Anonymous

girlisav3rb: "this isn't about exclusion or leaving anyone out". Also girlisav3rb: "I'm just kicking your punk ass off [obvious metaphor for DoA]" yyyyiiiiikkkees

~Anonymous

The DOA username debate is really starting to feel like 4 people's personal beefs against each other. It isn't really about dolls and I wish it wasn't dominating all the confessions here. I don't really care about watching pomoaples, pupkinspce, aigisthewlve and tellmeifthursday make fools of themselves daily.

~Anonymous

10.

Say it louder for the people in the back: IF YOU INSIST ON NAME CHANGES FOR DOA, THEN VOLUNTEER YOUR CODING EXPERTISE. Don't know how to code and are just squawking about something you can't directly contribute towards? Then shut up or offer up money so the mods can hire a computer programmer to make the changes you're DEMANDING from a FREE service.

~Anonymous

11.

God it's so painfully obvious to see how many of the people defending DoA on the grounds that name changes would destroy the integrity of the website have never ever worked on or even been part of a forum or really any website of any kind in their lives. Seriously arguing that "the database" would break if you changed a name like?? No??? Have you ever seen a server backend before? You can automate this shit, you know, keep a log of former names, just... it's not some big huge challenge???

~Anonymous

12.

I don't have a horse in the trans name change race but calling DoA one of the friendlies communities around is abject bullshit lmao. There's not a more elitist, paranoid, abusive community this side of comic books -- but that kind of goes for this hobby as a whole, let's be honest.

~Anonymous

13.

THE RULES ARE IMPORTANT WE CAN't cHANGE THE RULES IT WILL LEAD TO CHAOS IF WE CHANGE ONE RULE WHERE WILL IT END THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!! In my town it used to be THE RULES that POC have to go to separate schools and use separate bathrooms, but sure, the rules are the most important thing, not the people. And before anyone says cOmPaRiNg DoLlS tO rAciSm, 1) shitting on trans people IS a form of prejudice you smoothbrains, and 2) my ass is POC and I call it like I see it. Check yourselves.

~Anonymous

14.

I personally think DOA should just.. go away? It’s been around for years, most people use it as reference rather than a community anymore. Everything is on FaceBook and Instagram now, DOA is pretty much just a glorified Dolly Dictionary at this point. Besides, if they aren’t going to change an Incredibly simple, easy thing to change just to accommodate transitioning people, it’s not the best place to be.

~Anonymous

15.

I mean about the whole rules is rules is rules thing about doa: the thing is, some rules are there for a reason and obviously do need to be respected whether you agree with them or not, like don’t block fire exits, murder is bad, etc. but some rules eventually become outdated and need to be changed to keep up with society, and that doesn’t make the people pointing out that they need to be changed evil or entitled or spoiled. Imagine if we all still had to drive 10 mph everywhere because when someone pointed out that car technology had improved since 1915 and the speed limit should be increased accordingly everyone had just shouted them down with “BUT TEH RUUULLLEESS!!!” You’d be pretty interested in getting some of this “special treatment” yourself so you could get to work on time, huh?

~Anonymous

16.

Honestly the easiest solution would be let people change their names only once and have it trackable.. as a trans dude its NOT that deep.

~Anonymous

17.

I notice that the unrelenting attacks on DoA are now even using the same phraseology along with the name-calling and implications of sinister motives. These are textbook bullying tactics. Next is the boycott, except that most of these people already say they don’t use the forum because they are just too “21st Century” for it.

Luckily this is just a confession board and no matter how many folks you manage to rile up here, it’s not going to affect DoA. Now, this is why I love DoA–you can’t go on their own site and spew this nonsense. They have Rules. They are Strict. They attempt to avoid drama, especially off-topic drama, and they don’t allow meanness, vulgarity or obscenity. If you’re looking for a pleasant, safe space, it’s your best bet.

~Anonymous

18.

Easy to lay bigotry, laziness, stupidity and worse on DoA mods for not just accepting tales of trauma and pasts to erase. But the internet has always been full of lies by people trying to get their own way or escape consequences. Not just pro scammers. People who cry things like illness, trauma, disaster, family or pet problems over and over to get sympathy for demands or as all-purpose excuses. Recast ownership lies. People who never got a no before, and don't like being turned down no-how.

~Anonymous

19.

I just realized that no one understands the people saying DOA can allow name changes are the people who have actually modded forums before, most forums unless they’re running a totally outdated system use user id numbers that are linked to display names, which can be changed, and you can write a simple string of simple-baby-code to show old display names on a profile, to explain it in simple terms.

~Anonymous

20.

Honestly I think that the anti-name change people are mostly just shilling for DoA because they can't believe that their precious forum with its volunteer mods could be anything but flawless. Or something like that, given how indignantly these people have *always* reacted to confessions criticizing DoA, even before the trans controversy was a thing. There have definitely been some obvious transphobes as well though, whose bile is really more suited to conservative FB pages or something. Go away!

~Anonymous

21.

the DOA mods can obviously change people's usernames because it's 2019 and basically every other site in existence can do it. they might have to change the site slightly to accomplish this. maybe there are reasons for them to choose not to do that, but let's stop pretending it's some technological impossibility.

~Anonymous

22.

How about this: Implement a system on DoA that indentifies users by a unique code and allow users to have a changeable display name. Changing the display name could become a paid feature to pay for the technical changes. Think of a system like discord has. It's a win-win situation. Thoughts?

~Anonymous

#BJD #ABJD #TrueBJDConfessionz #BJD Confessions #DoA #Just let people change their damn usernames

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mollymauk-teafleak · 5 years ago

Text

Black Coffee

Vax'ildan needs a way to make money. Life got pretty rough after Syldor cut him off and he and his sister found themselves living in a tiny apartment in the city.

He needs a quick way to make some money. What he finds is Percival de Polo.

We’re calling it the sugar daddy au and we’re unapologetic, folks. Will be multi chapter if people like it.

Please consider reblogging, leaving a comment on Ao3 or donating to my ko-fi page!

Thanks to @minky-for-short and @spiky-lesbian

Always meet them in a public place.

That had been the prevailing advice when he’d looked on the Internet, when he’d asked Molly’s mother, when he’d finally decided to do this slightly crazy thing.

So Vax had messaged back, after stewing over those handful of words for nearly half a day, after they’d popped up with a unusually cheery message chime that honestly was a bit of a weird choice for an online sex forum. Though Vax didn’t know what else he’d expected. A moan of lust maybe, every time a message from his anonymous friend came in?

I’d like to meet you and talk about this face to face.

He’d replied, sat cross legged in his underwear on the bed that took up the majority of the space. He’d have called his bedroom the box room of the apartment, if his sister’s hadn’t been equally as claustrophobic.

1pm tomorrow at the Blooming Grove café? It’s on fifth street.

Vax thought it was a good choice. Nice, airy and Caduceus made the best coffee he’d ever had in the whole city. Also it wouldn’t hurt to be in a place where there would always be a stronger-than-he-seemed, seven foot tall friend within earshot.

He’d frowned than, tugging at a loose strand of ink black hair that had come loose from his bun. He’d told himself he was overthinking this. Catastrophizing, that’s what the CBT book his sister had lent him called it. Odds were this guy was just a nice enough, probably lonely middle-aged man. If anything seemed off, Vax could easily just politely decline and get out of there. He’d escaped from far worse.

Besides, maybe the offer would scare him off. Maybe Orthax- obviously not his real name but his username on the website- would lose his nerve and shut down and that would just be the end of it.

But then the reply came, less than five minutes after Vax’s offer when he’d taken five hours.

I know it, good choice. See you there. I’ll have a red carnation.

Vax had smiled at that, maybe even snorted a little. How romance novel. How Gone with the Wind.

It was a little sweet.

His estimation of the guy’s age had shot up but the amount he feared for his life went down.

And now he was sat here, at the comfy table for two right in the window, the one with the black iron seats and the mosaic table top. Dark eyes flicking to his watch, he noted it was now five minutes past one and there wasn’t a single flash of red to be found amongst the dinner crowd.

What if he never showed up? Maybe Orthax had lost his nerve at the last minute.

Vax frowned and leaned back in his chair, trying to figure out how that made him feel.

It wasn’t like he was dying to be someone’s sugar baby. After all, if he felt completely, 110% okay with it, he wouldn’t have lied about where he was going to his sister when she’d asked, dashing back to grab her forgotten lunch and seeing him half in, half out of his leather jacket, chasing Trinket around for his second shoe. He’d told her he was going to meet another art director, once she’d wrenched his now dripping shoe from her hairball of a dog.

And instantly regretted that lie, when he’d seen how her face lit up with hope for him.

Truth was, he thought as he took another sip of his black coffee to match how bitter he felt inside, the auditions had been very thin on the ground lately and even the few he did get didn’t go very far. Most directors wouldn’t even see him dance, not once he told them he was trans.

No auditions meant no jobs. No jobs meant no money coming in. And he and Vex would rather lose the apartment than ask Syldor for money, after he’d made it so acidly plain they wouldn’t be seeing another penny as long as Vax lived as himself.

The old man could rot as far as Vax was concerned.

He sighed, screwing up his face, fingers tight on his own arms. He was getting angry again, he could feel it, the kind of anger that could so easily make him say and do stupid things. But it was so much simpler to get mad at his bigoted ass of a father than at the whole world, the world that just didn’t seem to want to let him be happy, the world that had always been so unfair to him, the world that had left him sat here, messaging random people on the internet, offering to sell himself, hoping for one last chance to not fuck his whole life up.

“Are you…sorry, this is going to sound insane if I’m wrong but are you Raven?”

Vax opened his eyes, startled.

Well, he was a hell of a lot younger than he’d been expecting. Wasn’t half bad on the eyes either.

“I am. You’re Orthax?”

Tall, very tall. Human. White hair but it had to be the result of dye rather than age, no one with naturally white hair would wear it in such a neat, subtle undercut. Shockingly blue, tired looking eyes behind a pair of circular, gold rimmed glasses. Stubble creeping up his jaw. Looked like he needed a good night’s sleep.

And he actually did have the red carnation in his pocket.

The guy’s face wrinkled in gentle embarrassment, “Yeah. Sorry, it’s a rather stupid username. I didn’t think how bad it would sound out loud.”

His voice was prim, sculpted, a borderline ridiculously high society accent. But it was the only thing about him that gave any hint of the wealth Vax assumed he’d have; his clothes were dark and simple, no logos or brands, just dark blue jeans and a pain grey collared shirt that was a little oversized. Wait, no, there was a ring on his finger. The gleam of real gold, a crest too small to make out from his distance.

Vax cracked a smile, “It’s fine. Doesn’t have a reference to the size of your genitals so it’s better than most I see on there.”

The guy laughed, a short, bark of a laugh like he didn’t do it very often, “Even so. Now we’ve met face to face, can I be Percy?”

“Sure,” he nodded, “Then I’m Vax’ildan. Vax for short.”

“Lovely. Can I get you a drink, Vax?”

He tipped his mug, judging that he had maybe two swallows left. Having two drinks at a café was rank extravagance on Vax’s budget, even with Caduceus’ heavy friends discount, and all of a sudden the idea of having one bought for him seemed strange. But he was going to have to get used to that if this was going to work.

“Sure. Black coffee please and an amount of sugar I’m not comfortable telling you right now. The guy behind the counter knows.”

That made Percy laugh again, “Sure. A gentleman after my own heart.”

Vax paused as he watched Percy move through the maze of mismatched tables to the counter (Caduceus didn’t have the best eye for organisation). Being called a gentleman had gave him a happy little tightness in his stomach and it was probably good that he’d been able to make the guy laugh twice. So far so good.

Vax had always been very good at reading people in a short space of time. It was partly good intuition, partly a strong sense of empathy inherited from his mother, partly survival instinct from his years with Syldor, trying to work out how much he could trust people, how much he could be himself versus how much he’d need to lie.

It was serving him well as it ever had in trying to set up this delicate arrangement, helping him reject a handful of people and decide Percy was the only one he was going to agree to meet. And it was telling him a lot about Percy right now.

He seemed sad. There was no other word for it. There were too many lines around his eyes for someone as young as he was, down turned ones that clearly didn’t come from smiling. That shirt wasn’t doing a good job of concealing how slender he was, his nails were bitten uncomfortably close, there were old burns and scars on his hands and he’d missed part of his hair when he’d brushed it. And of course there was the fact that he looked like he hadn’t slept in days. It didn’t take a lot of Vax’s intuition to see that.

In short, he looked a bit bedraggled. At first Vax had been stunned that someone with such good looks and, presumably, a lot of money needed to inquire after a sugar baby. But as he watched him fumble for change, exchange a few pleasantries with Caduceus and pick his way back over to their table with two mugs, he was starting to piece it together.

Percy was just a little bit lost. He needed someone to hold his hand.

Vax mentally shrugged. He could do that.

“Here…” Percy sat the two coffees down, one in front of Vax, “I promise I didn’t look when he put the sugar in.”

Vax smiled wanly, “I’m pretty sure he stints me every time. It’s for my own good.”

Percy slid into the chair opposite him, muffling a cough, “Sorry…and I’m sorry for being late too. Time got away from me when I was working.”

“Oh? What do you do?” It was as good a place as any to make a start.

The tips of Percy’s ears reddened, “Well. Not work as in for my job. It’s…well, tinkering? Just messing around with machinery for my own amusement. I have a little work shop in my apartment.”

“Sounds interesting,” Vax smiled, wondering if he could be paid for his company in putting up all that flatpack furniture that was still sitting around in his own place.

“Well…” that seemed to please him, “I’ve made a few things. Odds and ends, patented a few things actually…”

Vax filed that away for something to return to later, something to do a little research on, “So what’s your day job?”

The discomfort returned a little, though it seemed a well-worn kind, something he was used to, “I, uh…I run my family’s company. Whitestone Industries.”

Vax nearly choked on his coffee, “Wait, what? Seriously?”

It was one of those ubiquitous household names, a little silver stamp on everything from electronics to massive civil engineering projects and charity initiatives. So huge and all encompassing, it was hard to imagine it as a family business.

Fuck, he’d suspected anyone with a kink for having a kept partner would have a fair amount of spending money but he hadn’t expected an oligarch.

“Yeah…” Percy looked down awkwardly, tracing his finger between the pretty glass tiles on the table top, “I don’t do that much, the board just puts stuff in front of me and I sign it. It’s the surname really…they let me mess around in the aerospace engineering department sometimes.”

Vax paused, his dismay fading. While he wasn’t about to feel sorry for someone who earned more money by the hour than his mother had ever seen in her life, he could see how that would be lonely. Having the pressures of your family bend and twist you into a position you couldn’t hold long before your muscles began to burn and your head swam.

He could understand that.

“Well…” Vax gave a friendly smile, soft and gentle as he could manage, “You’ve always got your work shop to come home to?”

“Yeah,” Percy looked up, like he really appreciated those words, “I do…so what do you like to do, Vax’ildan?”

“You can call me Vax,” he reminded him, leaning forward on his elbows.

“I like saying it,” he said it like it was something he was admitting, “It’s beautiful.”

Charming as well, huh? Vax was starting to think this whole thing was his very first good idea.

“I’m a dancer,” he stirred his coffee idly, spoon ringing against the china, “Aspiring, really. It’s been a while since I had a gig. I do teach a class down at the community centre and my friend Mollymauk lets me choreograph for his shows. They do Shakespeare mostly so there’s not a lot of call for it but…”

He trailed off limply. He felt like he was in front of someone who remembered him from Syldor’s, meeting him in the street and asking politely how he was getting on, all the while both of them painfully aware that he’d been disowned and this entire conversation had been an unadulterated mess.

But Percy had a smile in his voice, Vax heard it even when he didn’t lift his eyes to see, “That sounds lovely. I really admire anyone who has a creative job, especially people who teach others, I could never do that.”

Vax’s eyes darted up, too stunned to worry that he was looking a bit of a fool, “Really?”

Percy blinked, even tilting his head a little like a puppy would, “Forgive me but…have you ever had a compliment before?”

Vax opened his mouth…and had to close it again, smiling sheepishly. After a moment, the two of them found themselves laughing quietly under the chatter contained within the café. What else was there to do?

“Glad I could be your first, anyway,” Percy’s laugh ended in a cough he muffled into the back of his hand, “I’ll make sure I throw in as many as I can in the future.”

Vax lifted an eyebrow, “Does that mean…this is going to be a thing? You and me?”

Percy smiled playfully, eyes flashing a little, something Vax hadn’t even thought he would be capable of doing, “Well…I’d certainly be up for it though I think we should talk ground rules?”

Vax’s smile softened around the edges and any lingering worry that had survived in his chest died away at that moment. He was approaching this like a blueprint, of course, but there was comfort in that, reliability.

“Why don’t you tell me what you were thinking, then?” He’d finished his second coffee at that point, a pleasant buzz starting up in his veins.

Percy nodded, ticking them off on his fingers as he went, suddenly becoming very business-like and formal, “I’d pay your rent, I understand that’s the main monetary concern for people. I’d also send you a number of gifts every month once I get a better idea of things you like though some would be sexual in nature. I’d send these to your apartment or you could keep a separate P.O box if you prefer to keep that information private.”

Vax tried not to look too eager, though his heart was hammering in his chest, “And in exchange?”

“A…we’ll call it a date for want of a better word though we’d be by no means exclusive, you could pursue any other relationships though I’d prefer to be the only one with whom you had this kind of…arrangement. But one date every fortnight at least. You can suggest activities but so can I, we’ll reach a compromise. If you need to cancel any, that’s fine, though I’d like it to be rearranged if possible.”

Vax was fighting a bemused smile at how much like a meeting this felt, “And how many of these dates would end in sex? All of them?”

Percy looked taken aback, “I’d…I’d never force sex on you, Vax’ildan, never. I’d like to be intimate with you but if there’s ever any night you’re not feeling it or you’re not in the mood that’s fine. You just have to tell me.”

Vax’s amusement was replaced by surprise for a moment, surprise at the sincerity in Percy’s voice. He really did seem to care about Vax’s consent and comfort. Something that really shouldn’t come as a shock, he realised, but still…

“Understood. Same to you, of course,” he nodded.

Percy looked relieved, apparently genuinely hating being thought of as a person who would demand sex simply because he was paying for it, “I’d also appreciate pictures, whenever the mood takes you. And…” he stopped suddenly, finally seeming shy and even a little embarrassed, “I’d just…I’d like a friend. Tell me how your day is going. Tell me what you thought of whatever was on TV last night. Stuff like that.”

The expression on his face, which so clearly screamed that Percy hadn’t had that kind of friendliness in a very long time, that was what made Vax reach out and put his hand over Percy’s where it lay on the table. It hadn’t been a deliberate action, something he’d thought about, but he was glad he’d done it after Percy’s shame turned to relief and gratitude.

“That sounds perfectly reasonable,” Vax smiled, feeling Percy’s fingers turn under his to hold, knotting them together, “Got a contract you want me to sign or something?”

Percy smiled, blushing lightly under his gentle teasing, “No…sorry, a force of habit, I guess. Whenever you don’t know what to say at board meetings, if you use that kind of tone I’ve found they’ll leave you alone. Even if what you said was complete bullshit. So I guess I do it when I’m nervous?”

“Don’t be,” Vax grinned, “I think this is going to work out fine.”

Percy was full of polite apologies that they couldn’t start things right away but he had work to get back to. Actual work, he promised, not his tinkering.

But they exchanged numbers and Vax stood outside the café, watching his white haired saviour disappear into the crowds, clutching a fresh coffee to see him through the afternoon. It was getting cold but he lingered, waiting until he lost sight of Percy. Percy of the tired eyes and burned hands and family money he seemed so awkward about. Percy who smiled sweetly most of the time and darkly when he wanted to and asked for a friend.

Vax smiled wryly to himself and turned himself back towards home.

At least it wasn’t going to be boring.

#perc'ildan #percildan #percy/vax #percy de rolo #vax'ildan #critical role #sugar daddy au #modern au #it will get spicy later #cr: vax #cr: percy #caduceus clay #vex'ahlia #vex and vax #please consider reblogging!

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coaxionunlimited · 6 years ago

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RvB Fic Recs - AO3 Edition

This is going to be a highly eclectic and very personal list of fics that I liked during my recent RvB fic binge. Most of them are going to be a little obscure, but there’s no hard and fast theme.

AI: The logistics of sharing your head with an untested computer program that feels things have always fascinated me. These are fics about getting comfy-cozy with the stranger in your head. Spartan-B240 by eggstasy: Tuckington Halo 5 AU where Tucker is the voice in Wash’s head. I really love the build of Tucker and Wash’s relationship here, how they’re both trying hard to help each other, how Tucker makes Wash feel like a real person, how Wash is really and obviously gone on him. And also this approach to the logistical difficulties of falling in love with an AI program. The sequel is incomplete, but worth a read, especially for the Church+Caboose friendship in the first and last chapters.

Proper expression of emotion in bra-ket notation by thought: York and Delta are picking a lock, and hey, did anyone do research on how to stay within the safe limits of your AI’s capabilities? No? Oh well.

2-1 by QueSeraAwesome: In which Delta definitely does not have feelings OR insecurities about his relationships with York, and someone should probably be keeping an eye on Sigma.

Prepared by Blueberryshortcake: Delta invades York’s dreams. Short - but worth it for protective (and subtextually anxious) Delta.

South & Theta by madelinescribbles: Did someone say South redemption arc? Well, even if that someone wasn’t you, you have to admit you’re curious about what would happen if South and Theta talked to each other. Or dealt with their grief over North’s death together. Same difference. Incomplete, but that’s never stopped me.

Tuckington Borderlands AUs where Tucker is a Siren (don’t worry you don’t really have to know anything about Borderlands to enjoy these): … okay look, I realize that this is a very specific category name but in my defense [AIRPLANE TAKES OFF, OBSCURING THE REST OF THE SENTENCE]. Nothing Good by BoxOnTheNile: In which Tucker also has issues! There’s not enough fics about Tucker being just as banged up as Wash on the inside, and you know you’ve been looking for it. I really love Tucker’s other friendships in this fic, the sense that he’s really built a life for himself, and the slow give and take of trust between him and Wash really butters my biscuits. There’s another oneshot in this series, and the last chapter of BoxOnTheNile’s RVB Trans Week compilation (Be Someone (That Makes You Happy)) is also in this 'verse.

No Hero to Call Home by bismuthBallistics: In which Tucker is a mechanic and his favorite person in the world is the guy who comes in every three months to get a tune up on his prosthetic leg. Too bad Wash didn’t get that memo. Read this for some Really Excellent Tucker pining, and also for Tucker really caring about Wash and trying to take care of him, and also for Wash cooking for Tucker, and also the way they resolve Tucker getting frustrated with Wash’s general inability to friend really rings true, and also - look, I could keep going for a while here. Read this fic.

Locus Angst and Rehabilitation: Think Wash angst, except clearly superior because there’s more Red Team. I’ll Tell You My Sins and You Can Sharpen Your Knife by illumynare: Incomplete, but all three of four chapters are full of that Good Shit. Did you want Locus being unable to cope with basic kindness? Did you want pining for friendship? Did you want to be really, cripplingly sad about Locus? This is the fic for you.

Vanished Marvels by BoxOnTheNile: Oneshot, Simmons and Grif take care of an assassin. Some comfort for all the hurt you got from reading that last fic :D. Comes as part of a series, with an incomplete Locus/Grif/Simmons sequel and a Tuckington prequel, in case you needed some more ex-supersoldier h/c.

Green is Definitely a Shade of Red by Prim_The_Amazing: Does anyone else think it’s really unfair that Blue team gets all the ex-supersoldiers? If you do, this is your fic. In which Locus is totally, absolutely, and definitely not enjoying getting adopted by the Reds. Honestly. Contains 200% more shenanigans than your average Locus fic.

Series Recs: Because not every fic is standalone. Blood Gulch Freelancers by eggstasty: What if the Blood Gulch Crew were a part of Project Freelancer? Read it for good mom Carolina, Caboose’s tragic backstory, and Allison being alive, which makes everything much less fucked up. … As long as you don’t look too hard, that is.

Five Reds and a Baby by a_taller_tale: Sarge ordered a baby from a catalogue, and it turns out to be a clone of Grif, and - look, it makes sense in context. 100% pure Grimmons, Red Team, and baby fluff.

flying and burning by tumbleoutyourhair: Mostly tuckington oneshots, with a couple of grimmons ones. Contains a lot of That Good Wash Angst, especially thirteen and fourteen.

Zombie Immunity AU by HappyFunBallXD: Grif has an immunity to zombies and a plan - too bad life is getting in between him and Alaska. The main fic in the series is unfinished, but there’s plenty of Blood Gulch Crew zombie shenanigans and grimmons to go around.

Coffee Shop AU by mumblybee: Look, I got into the fandom in 2014, I have a horrible, horrible weakness for sad yorkalina. This is a modern au, featuring coffee and being a sad millennial.

Did someone say dorkalina? An OTP? In this economy? It’s more likely than you’d think. Satellite Mind by eponymous_rose: The Director didn’t consider the impact of AI on his Agent’s sex lives. At least, we hope he didn’t. York and Delta negotiate boundaries, Carolina helps. NSFW.

We Were Up All Night Talking Trash And Wasting Time by thought: Project Freelancer is falling apart, Carolina and York have sex about it. Delta helps. Sad and poetic, my favorite kind of fanfiction.

Opacity by bismuthBallistics, red_as_ever: Urban fantasy, plotty. York goes blind, Carolina helps. Delta is alternately a solution and an obstacle, and no one escapes a clash between the fae courts unscathed.

Carolina Genfics: Because Agent Carolina, man. Wash and Locus aren’t the only supersoldier assholes who need a redemption arc. Banana Bread Bonding by Aryashi: Agent Carolina tries to get Grif to teach her how to relax. Hilarity ensues. If that doesn’t make you want to read it, consider that it’s tagged “Co-Authored By Carolina's Ability to stalk people until she gets what she wants”.

Kiss My Bright Red Ass, Sir by Hinn_Raven: In which Carolina was Sarge’s daughter the entire time. Much more serious than it sounds and a fair bit sad - but if you’ve ever thought to yourself “man, I wish Carolina had a better family situation” this is the fic for you.

A Field Guide to Haircare in Wartime by saltsanford: In which the Reds get Carolina some self-care and forgiveness. If you liked Vanished Marvels from the Locus section, you’ll like this.

Regret the Poor Children (Raindrop Remix) by PlayerProphet: In which Carolina gets a jumpstart on her redemption arc, and Wash gets help a little earlier. If you wanted Freelancer to end a little better, read this fic. It’s not a happy fic, but you get the sense that things are going uphill from here.

This Man Looked Exactly Like Natalie Portman When He Was 13 by eggstasy: THE Carolina & Caboose fic. This one’s got it all, folks! Carolina trying to change for the better, Carolina & Epsilon bromance, backwardses and forwardses and all the complications that come with finding yourself in the middle of a redeption arc, and finally, a happy ending.

Time Travel and De-Aging: I’ll admit, I haven’t read extensively in this genre in RvB, but here are some of my favorites. put your curse in reverse by Sroloc_Elbisivni: PFL-era Carolina gets de-aged. Hilarity(?) ensues. Read for Freelancer team as family, really awkward dramatic irony (toddler Carolina calls Tex momma, for a start), and all your Maine and Wash being good with children needs.

Asphodel Meadows by Hinn_Raven: Tex lives! She also travels forward in time to the Chorus era, and fixes things, because she’s a badass like that. Read this for massive Tex bromance feels, and because you wanted Tex to live.

Hit and Run by creatrixanimi, RiaTheDreamer: Not technically time travel or de-aging, but teenaged Grif siblings in Project Freelancer really feels like it fits here. Contains parental unit 479er, Freelancer babysitting shenanigans, and North stealing children. Because you know he would. Incomplete.

(Change the Past, Choose the Future by Zoomda and The Red and Blue Home for Lost Fat Kids by ShadyJane both fit in this category, the former being Wash and Carolina time-travel fix it and the latter being de-aged Captain Grif, but since I haven’t finished either (and neither are finished), I can’t exactly write up a rec. Still, here they are, for the adventurous or desperate among you.)

Misc: Fics that don’t fit into the other categories. Outpost #1 Apartments by nan00k: Not your momma’s superhero au! Church escapes his dad/the Director’s highly unethical superhero program, and moves into Blood Gulch apartment complex. Mostly gen, focuses on Church recovering from all the crap he endured. Read this one for the plot, for the gentle build of some serious tension, and for some good Church friendships. Part of an incomplete series, the Carolina entry is next and is both complete and definitely worth a look.

Simmons Slipped Up So Hard He Needs Life-Alert by Lieutenant_Kader: Grimmons fluff! Grif sets up a movie date for Simmons, and it’s real cute. Contains twice your recommended daily dose of Star Wars and Tucker being a good bro.

Don’t Cross the (Time) Streams by Hinn_Raven: The Freelancers crash land in Blood Gulch. Chaos and confusion ensues. Watching the professional supersoldiers be out of their depth around the worst soldiers in the galaxy is completely hilarious.

#rvb #fic recs #tuckington #grimmons #agent carolina #this got long when I wasn't looking #dorkalina

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venus-says · 5 years ago

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Kamen Rider Gaim Episodes 01-20

Also known as Kame Rider Fruits Salad edition.

It's time for more past rider action as I start my fifth season in this series. I honestly don't know how I'm still doing this, but I'm glad that despite my schedule problems I'm sticking with this journey because this season is a good one.

I was very excited to see this, not just because my experience with Wizard was very positive, but also because I've seen images and gifs being retweeted in my timeline and everything seemed so ridiculous I couldn't wait to experience all of that by myself, and I gotta say, they delivered! (different from that other season I saw people being so passionate about but that I disliked with passion)

And this is something funny because I have quite a lot of things about Gaim that bug me and that should make me dislike it, but even still I can't help but like this season a lot. Gaim has a certain magnetic charm to it that I don't know how to explain, putting in terms of the show I'm like the Inves and Gaim is the evil fruit of the forest taking control of my brain. This show is so entertaining that if I was able to sit down for 72 hours without being interrupted and not needing to do my physical necessities I'd definitely spend those hours watching Gaim, I'm not joking, I had to force myself to stop watching it a couple of times because if it was up to me I would sit down in front of my laptop and leave after the show ended.

And I feel like a huge part of what makes me so interested on Gaim is this mystery feel it has to it, I wanna know where all of this is gonna go so it makes me more interested on watching more and more to see the secrets being revealed and all of that. Add a whole lot of great cliffhangers and the fact this series doesn't seem to follow the "2 episodes, 1 story" format and you make for a show that has a very good pace and that makes it feel like no episode here is filler or unnecessary.

But this is a double-edged sword because while the mystery vibe is great I feel like the show held a whole lot of information at the beginning which made it hard for me to understand this world, and understand these characters. Why is dance so important here? Why do these dance teams exist and why are they fighting each other? When did those lock seeds start appearing? And why are they in the kids' hands? What's Kouta's relation to this dance crew? Why is there a ranking for dancing crews? Why is all of that so important for these characters I'm gonna follow? I watched 20 episodes, still, I feel like I don't know any of the characters very well because neither of them had a very good base for me to have a feel of who these characters are. Which makes it harder for me to connect because I don't feel what the characters are feeling, my experience with Gaim is a very "external" one, I'm watching it and I'm enjoying it a lot but I'm not emotionally invested, I think that's the best way to put it.

Speaking of characters, another thing that I feel like it makes it harder to know all characters is the fact that THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM. No joke, I don't know any of their names and the only Rider name I have memorized is Gaim because of obvious reasons, the way I have to connect the characters to their faces is by their main fruit, which solves things for the characters that are Riders but the side characters that don't they literally have no name for me, any given name you see in this post is because I opened the wikia and went to look for the names. This is a very crowded season.

Kouta as a protagonist gives me a lot of mixed feelings. I overall like him, but that are times where the show makes me want to hate him, but I guess that's just how teenagers so the show has perfectly hit the nail on him. I like how he starts as a good kid trying to get a job to help support his family, but then he becomes a rider and that gets up to his head and he becomes an overconfident prick just to have his ass kicked down and throw him on a downward spiral where he "refuses the call" to then have a moment where he slowly rises again, and even in this escalation he gets doubtful in quite a lot of times showing that he's a very interesting character. I only wish we knew more basic stuff about him, or at least have glimpses of his past, to know where did he came from and be able to have an estimative of where he's going to.

Sadly the other characters aren't anywhere near being this interesting. Kaito is just the hot-blooded rival, they decided to give him a backstory about he being anger at Yggdrasil for taking over the city but I think it only made him look more like just a teen with anger management issues rather than a compelling character. Mitchy had potential with the whole thing of being a kid from a rich family that has no freedom in regards to his future, but he more or less always followed the things I expected him to do as a character in his position so it was just a little boring. Near the end of this batch, Zack became a rider too but he's such a background character I have nothing to say about him. Junouchi and Hase lacked in personality because they were sold as a duo and they barely did anything on their own, Hase at least got more interesting things going for him since he eventually ate a fruit and died as an Inves what made him interesting where Junouchi just ended up being the keychain of another rider... and oh boy, Oren... it's kinda hard to talk about him. I'm not sure if "gay coded" is the correct term for him, probably not, but the thing is he's very problematic. First, because the show kinda sits in with Kouta's point of view and since the first meeting Kouta already showed signs that he didn't like him and that it was weird for him to see a flamboyant man with feminine trajects and he was always negative towards him. Then the show makes him be a Team Rocket villain where his character gets downed to a single goal and objective and every time he gets up on the screen is for him to be made fun of and it just makes me wanna hit my head on the wall. I know I shouldn't be surprised since last season they had the manager of Hungry Donuts that was also an LGBTQ+ character being used for comedic purposes, but at least in there, there was no portrayal of any character of the cast being uncomfortable or hostile against her so she was never seen with bad eyes or had any negative association to her (they also had a trans actor play her role which is an added bonus even though she wasn't out yet during the time of filming).

The show also has a "second set" of riders that are the adults on Yggdrasil's side. I feel like I don't have a lot to say about them because they were in the backseat a lot during the season and only started to have a more active role on screen now so I still don't have an opinion on them. Takatora seems bland, Sid was the one of this team that had more screen time but I also don't have an opinion on him, he's just like a drug dealer there's nothing special about him other than he uses one of my favorite fruits in his rider form. Ryoma and Yoko are probably the more interesting characters from this team and I'm really excited to see more of them.

There are more characters of this cast but I don't like any of them all that much so I won't spend more time talking about them, I'll talk briefly about the Riders' designs because this post is already long enough.

To begin with, I think it's a genius idea of mixing fruits with samurais for the main motifs of the riders, it's such a ridiculous, wild, and creative idea I wish I could be friends with whoever imagined this concept. I pretty much like all of the suits, I think the only form I don't like it's the Jimba Lemon one because it's not very aesthetically pleasing, it doesn't match very well with Gaim's basic design so it doesn't look as good to me, but I also don't like the giant watermelon suit, probably because the CGI looks weird, but I still don't like it. I love how the belts are very simple, it's a good contrast with the overly designed suits, I wish they had kept that simplicity for the genesis drivers as well. If I had to choose my favorite designs they are Gaim's strawberry, Baron's mango, Zangetsu's melon, Duke's lemon, and Marika's peach forms.

Before I wrap up this post I have two final complaints about this whole thing. The first one is the fact I don't know what's the message the show is trying to convey. Right at the beginning, I thought it was about growing up, but that was never touched again so I'm not sure if it's that, you know? The show feels a little lost in this aspect. It is a nice story, don't get me wrong, but all stories so far had a theme and I couldn't really find the theme on this one yet. I hope that after the reveal that the forest is like a parasite they'll bring up discussions that'll highlight what this is story is about.

My other problem is how against adults the show is. Maybe if I had watched this in my teenage years I'd be more in synchrony with the point of view of adults are liars and they're a problem, but now as an adult, I know that things aren't so simple. While I agree that using kids to gather data for their experiments wasn't the right course of action, I don't like how the protagonists are always so keen on being against adults and everything. Maybe they're like this because of how Japanese society is and to them becoming adults is like losing the sense of their own identities so to them adults are really like villains, but I still think that they hit too much on this key and it's kinda hard to watch without rolling my eyes at certain points.

With that being said, I still enjoyed the hell out of this show and I'm very excited to continue. So, what are your thoughts about Gaim, let me know down in the comments. I'll catch up with you folks later.

#Kamen Rider Gaim #kamen rider

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huntertales · 5 years ago

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Part Two: I Just Want To Be Good. (The Great Escapist S08E21)

Episode Summary: When Sam, Dean and the reader receive a distressing video message from Kevin Tran, they set about trying to uncover the third trial. The boys and the reader make a discovery that sends them to a casino in Colorado, to find a mysterious recluse who may be able to fill in the holes in Kevin’s research. Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Word Count: 4,949.

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

The path to finding someone who could translate a demon tablet you didn’t even have was growing colder with each passing day. Kevin was the only one who knew where it was, and somehow he ended up dead. All the prophets who were in line after him were still going on with their daily lives. You were at a near dead end, but you had one more shot at figuring out what the final trial was before you threw in the towel for good. It was an ambitious move, and probably even a little bit stupid, to track down this Metatron guy. He was the messenger of God who came in contact with this Native American tribe centuries back. It was a long shot, but you didn’t have many left. You were hoping the Two Rivers hotel might have some answers to your questions.

You followed behind the boys when all of you headed into the casino and hotel, your eyes wandering over the many machines with their flashing lights and noises, enticing anyone who dare take a chance at gambling away their money. For a place like this you were guessing to see old folks gambling away their retirement fund. Maybe even a few people enjoying themselves with a weekend away. But the place was like a ghost town, not even an employee was around to greet the three of you. Dean hit the bell placed conveniently on the counter, hoping it might draw some attention. Sam waited beside his brother, casually glancing around to see if there was any other guests besides the three of you.

"Morning. Hi. Uh, we'd like a room?" Dean gave whom he presumed was the hotel manager a smile when he saw him emerge from the back office to see who was ringing the bell. The offer for business didn’t seem to make the manager move, he just kept staring at Dean, causing the older Winchester to be more specific. "Here, please."

You found yourself drifting away when you became curious about seeing the rest of the hotel, wondering what else there might be to do here besides playing a few slot machines. When you noticed a door that lead into another room, you began walking forward to it. You winced slightly in annoyance when you noticed a buzzing sound that you couldn’t describe. It was hard to tell if it was coming from the other room, or your ears were starting to ring. You poked a finger into the canal in some kind of attempt to make it go away, but it only got worse with each step you took away from the boys. It got louder and louder to the point where it felt like white noise.

For a second you felt like you were in your own world from what happened next. You blinked a few times when you noticed your vision was starting to go blurry, making the game room you spotted hard to see. And the damn ringing was getting louder. You were experiencing something you've never quite felt before. You quickly turned around in your spot and took a step towards the boys, and just like that, suddenly the noise disappeared and you could see just fine again. You furrowed your brow slightly from what just happened.

“Did you guys hear that?” You asked them, wondering

"Hear what?" Dean asked you. He listened for any odd sound other than the slot machines and birds chirping outside, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. He looked over at the manager and gave him a friendly smile, explaining your behavior. "She has the flu."

The manager barely showed any changes in his facial expressions, his brow furrowed together at your behavior, causing Dean to awkwardly chuckle and smile once again. When the man still wouldn't even crack the slightest of emotions, Dean rushed out a forged signature and booked it out of there. Dean wasted no time getting out of the lobby and onto one of the double beds.He couldn't stand another night of sleeping next to you with you being like this, your skin hot to the touch. You laid down after complaining that you were thirsty, Sam took on the task of grabbing you a drink while Dean mentioned something about checking around the place. You waved him off when he asked his brother if he was okay with watching you for a few minutes.

Sam watched you as downed a glass of water in mere seconds, acting like a woman dying of thirst before asking for another one. With the fever running through your body, you were bound to be dehydrated. He got up and went to the bathroom sink to get you another. You smiled and tried to somehow take a sip while lying on your side on the bed farthest from the door. The cold water felt amazing down your throat. All though you were hot to the touch, you felt awfully cold. And suddenly so tired. Maybe you were getting the flu. Because you were feeling weird lately. It was different when you were back at the bunker, but you were discovering that your body was feeling more unusual, almost like you were moving in a fog.

“Regular tourist mecca we got here.” You turned your head to the door when you heard it open to see that Dean was back from his sweep around the hotel. “We’re the only guests in this whole place. Last entry in the registry was in ‘06.”

“Mmm. Anyone else getting ‘Psycho’ vibes?” You cracked a joke that you thought wasn’t even the slightest bit funny, but it was enough to make you smile. You tried to put the empty glass on the nightstand, too tired to sit up and make it easier on yourself, only your attempt ended with you missing and accidentally dropping it to the floor a quiet thud, the carpet managed to save it from breaking. Your smile grew wider at your clumsiness and rested your head back into the pillow, you placed an arm over your face, trying to block out the sun peeking out from the blinds. “Hey, Dean, you remember when uh… when John and my mom took us to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, on that pack-mule ride?”

“The what?” Dean asked you, not sure where this conversation came from.

“And you’re, uh…your mule kept farting, just—letting go, like, gale force?” You weren’t the one to laugh like a school kid at jokes like that. But the memory made you let out a series of laughs that made the boys look at you with an odd expression.

“Y/N, you were like four years old.” Dean said. “I barely remember that.”

You giggled to yourself and turned your head to look at Sam, “Your brother rode a farty donkey.”

“Okay. Uh, since Sam has some background on this kind of stuff, him and I are gonna check out the Two Rivers Tribal Museum and Trading Post.” Dean said, telling you the plan.

“Yeah, yeah! I’m gonna…I’m gonna—“ You were finding it hard for you to sit up on your own, for a second, it seemed like you forgot you were almost six months pregnant with a belly that was far past being a small bump like you remembered. You got yourself up and pointed a finger at the boys to tell tell them what you were going to do while they were gone. “I’m gonna follow the hotel manager. D-Dr. Scowley-scowl. He’s like a villain from Scooby-Doo.”

“No, hey, uh, how about no?” Sam put a stop to your plans, watching as you tried to gather some energy to stand on your feet. You continued to sit on the eye of the bed, trying to force your eyes to stay open to keep this conversation going. “You should get some rest.”

“Yeah,” You mumbled with no resistance at all. “I can do that too.”

And with that, you fell back to the bed, suddenly losing consciousness a little too quickly. When the boys made sure you were still breathing, they made their way out of the room to conduct some of their own research while you to some much needed rest.

+ + +

You weren’t sure how long you had been sleeping for after your head hit the pillow and lost consciousness in record time. From the way your body was feeling and the thin layer of sweat covering every inch of you, you took a wild guess that it was a while. You groaned softly when you tried to get yourself up into a sitting position, moving slow as possible, not sure why your body aches so much. You looked around the room to see if the boys had returned, but you were still alone. The room was quiet for the most part considering there hadn’t been any other guests since ‘06. You thought that’s what Dean said. Maybe you didn’t hear him right.

You had been pretty out of it when you got settled into the room, talking about some family trip you took with the Winchester’s decades ago when you were still in each other’s lives. You forgot about it until just recently. The memory was crystal clear in your head, like it happened just the other day. If you had to think about...things had never felt so much clearer. You slowly got up to your feet thinking you just needed to stretch your legs from sleeping in such a stiff position. Maybe even see what the hotel manager was up to. You did mention something to the boys about tailing him to see what he was up to. It was odd enough this place wasn’t crawling with at least a few drifters. Something weird was definitely going on here.

Somehow you were able to get yourself to the door and opened it just enough for you to stumble your way out into the hallway, not taking into consideration how your appearance must look at the moment. There was no doubt in your mind your hair was a mess, your skin felt clammy and sweaty. Not to mention you had a sickly color to your skin. You felt like how you looked right at this moment. But every instinct was telling you to get off your ass and do your job.

You moved at a gruelingly slow pace, making sure to steady your hand against the wall to keep yourself from falling and the other to block out the extremely bright florescent light. You stumbled your way down the hall and to the corner, wondering the hell the manager was, not taking into consideration you really shouldn’t have been out in the open like this. You took a few steps down the hall until you heard it again...that ringing you noticed when you checked in. This time, it was louder than before. Everything felt off.

The hallway you stood down of suddenly appeared like it was spinning around you, the ground beneath your feet felt like it disappeared. You couldn’t hear your heavy or even anything else, all you could concentrate on was that chiming noise ringing loudly in your ears. For a second you were caught up in the rush of feeling, not realizing the manager was closer than you thought. Quick as the dizzy spell came, it vanished right after you saw the elevator doors slowly opened, giving you a small window to find a hiding spot.

You managed to press your backside against the nearest door’s alcove just as the manager stepped off the elevator, pushing something that sounded like a cart from the squeaky wheel that echoed down the hall. You slowly peeked your head out from the corner to see he was crouched down on the ground with his back towards you, giving you a chance to see what he was doing. You noticed he was stacking delivery boxes on top of at least a dozen others. You furrowed your brow slightly in confusion. Why the hell was he delivering packages? There wasn’t anyone else here besides you and the boys. Maybe the previous guests before you checked in and loved the place so much they never wanted to leave.

When you saw the manager push the cart away and back to the elevator without seeing you, you began moving when you heard the ding of the doors closed shut. You slowly made your way over to the hoard of boxes, wanting to know what was in there. You grabbed one of them to read the mailing address, only to discover it was the same as the hotel’s. All these boxes had to be filled with something important. You ripped open the box to see what was inside. What you discovered was...not what you expected.

Books. At least a half dozen of them stacked neatly inside. You picked up a hardcover that was a pretty pale blue with silver swirled details engraved into the cover. You read the title, “Oliver Twist” by Charles Dickerson. A classic you remembered reading in English class years back for an essay. Then was more, books of all kinds, from different genres to different decades published. Classics. Mysteries. Self help books to quit smoking. You put them back where you found them, wondering why the hell the manger was dropping them off in another room. That’s when it hit you.

What do writes love more than creating their own work? Reading other adventures. You pushed yourself back up to your feet and headed to your own room quickly as your body would let you. You didn’t know why you figured it out sooner. He was under your nose the entire time, hiding in plain sight. And yet hidden away from the world, probably spent centuries reading. An introvert’s dream to spend out their days. Their own company fictional beings. Endless worlds that weren’t their own.

You shut the door behind you and pulled out your phone, you scrolled through your contacts until you found Dean’s number. You blinked a few times to get your eyes to focus when you noticed your vision was starting to grow blurry again. You managed to hit the send button and heard the first ring before you felt yourself starting to get light headed, to the point where you were starting to get nervous you might fall.

You took a few steps to make it over to the bed closest to you in some kind of attempt to sit down before that could happen. You felt your knees give out on you could make it there, causing your body to stumble to the floor and your phone mere inches from your grip. You didn’t hear the sound of Dean’s voice when he picked up on the second ring.

+ + +

All you remembered before passing out on the hotel room floor was that you were in the middle of trying to make a phone call to Dean after the discovery you made. It was too important not to wait on. You managed to make it back to the room and dialed his number before you found yourself losing consciousness, probably from the fever that was some kind of effect from doing these trials. Everything felt blurry, like you were in a fever dream. During the time you were passed out for a short while from the time the boys discovered you and when you woke up you were bombarded with all sorts of memories you either forgot or compressed down. Things about who you used to be, and the horrible things you did.

When you finally came back into consciousness you weren’t exactly sure where you were for a split second. Your senses started to pick up on the fact that you felt like you were floating in water, freezing cold from what it felt like. You suddenly realized your lungs were starting to burn, the familiar sensation that made you start to panic. You felt your brain starting to scream for air as you felt your arms suddenly shoot up, feeling for a surface you could grab a hold onto. You grabbed each side of the tub you were lying in and quickly pulled yourself out of the ice cold water, your body freezing cold to the bone and your lungs burning for the need of air. When you finally managed to get yourself up into a sitting position, you quickly realized you were in a bathtub full of ice cold water.

You inhaled a wheezing breath before the next few came out in short and quick pants from the temperature your body wasn’t used to. You looked up to see the boys were standing above you, the ones who were responsible for putting you here in the first place. You felt your teeth starting to chatter and your body shaking from how freezing you were, you needed to get out of here before you got hypothermia. You slapped away Dean’s hand when he tried to help you out of the tub so you wouldn’t risk the chance of slipping and hurting yourself.

“Get off!” You shouted at him, your voice coming out shaky as you managed to push yourself up to your feet and stumble your way of the tub, only to make yourself feel worse at the even colder feeling room. You stood in the middle of the bathroom with your clothes soaked to your body and your entire body violently shaking. “What the hell?! God!”

“Take it easy.” Dean told you. You tightly crossed your arms around your chest to try and warm yourself up before you could get anymore freezing. Sam grabbed a towel to wrap around your body to start warming you up best as he could. “We found you on the floor, passed out. Your temperature was a hundred and seven. I had to force it down or you were toast.”

“He’s here, guys. Metatron is here.” You stuttered out the news you wanted to tell them over the phone before you passed out. Sam momentarily stopped grabbing another towel to try and help warm you up from the words he heard come out of your mouth. Both of the boys gave you a confused expression. “I know it. I can feel it.”

“What are you talking about?” Sam asked.

“All I know is that I’m connected to it somehow.” You tried to explain it as best as you could to them, figuring it explained the ringing in your ears and the dizzy spells that you had earlier.

“What, like you got a link to him, like a prophet?” Dean went on with his questions, wondering what the hell you were talking about.

“I don’t know! I just know he’s here.” You said. “Metatron is here.”

“Okay. Where?” Dean decided to amuse this idea of yours, wondering if you were still delirious from the fever you had earlier today.

“I can show you. I can show you.” You muttered to them, sounding a little bit worrisome as you started to get a look in your eye. “The manager—he was delivering books to him.”

“Books?” Dean repeated what you just said.

“Books. Hardcovers, paperbacks, novels—books.” You practically spelled it out for them, trying to make them understand the point you had figured it out on your own.

The boys took a few seconds before you realized why the books were such a factor into figuring out that it was Metatron the entire time, stories were something he would have enjoyed. You shrugged off the towel and wasted no time at all changing into a new set of clothes, wanting to hunt down and have a talk with the angel yourself. The boys kept insisting that you should have kept it easy and rest, but you shrugged off their concerns, saying that you were perfectly fine. Your stumbling around and odd behavior before wasn't exactly proving you were in good shape to keep on going like how you wanted.

You managed to get dressed and make your way out the door with the boys following right after you in some kind of fear that you might fall again and hurt yourself this time. You took your time getting out into the hall again, steadying yourself on the wall while Sam kept his arm stretched out just enough to catch you if you were to take a tumble, Dean shut the door behind him and began following behind you as you slowly made your way down the hall to the room you were trying to show them that supposedly belonged to this angel.

“I should be taking you to the E.R.” Dean said, sharing his concern for your wellbeing.

“They can’t do anything for me. I have to get worse before I can get better.” You found yourself mumbling the last sentence to yourself, but Sam managed to catch your rambling. “You know, I’ve been remembering things—little things so clearly.”

“What?” Dean asked you. “Donkey rides?”

“You used to read to me, when you were still learning how to, from this really old Grimm's fairy tale book. My favorite one used to be 'Little Red Riding Hood.' You read it so much that I'm pretty sure you had it memorized. You would always make up these voices for all the characters. You always told me that you were the hunter. And I was Red.” You found yourself reminiscing on a memory from times when things were much simpler, when you still lived in Lawrence and the boys were in your lives. You and Dean shared a small moment of childhood innocence that was long lost from the years. Until you started to remember all of it. “I thought I was for a long, long time. Little Red Riding Hood, I mean.”

You steadied one hand on the wall as you kept on walking with the boys following behind you, for a second you wondered why you were saying any of this. But another part of you felt like you needed to get the past off your chest. "I used to be obsessed with that stupid book. You know that? I forced my mom to read me a story from it for the first year when I moved to Y/H/S. It was the only thing that would help me fall asleep. Mostly it was the ones where the princess or some pretty damsel was cursed. They had something wrong with them. I thought I was one of them, too. How stupid was that?”

You found yourself smiling at the things that were coming out of your mouth, finding your childhood innocence on things so stupid. “Yeah. It’s normal for little girls to believe in fairy tales. Happy endings and Prince Charming. But that wasn’t it. Things happened to me that nobody could explain. I thought it was easier to believe that someone cursed me. And that one day it was all going to disappear. I didn’t know what was really wrong…” You felt a lump form in your throat at the clear memories flooding back to you, things you tried so hard to forget. “I should’ve.”

You used to hear voices. See things nobody else could. And have blackouts of rage that you didn’t even remember doing. All of this was things turned into a blurry memory before you subconsciously buried deep down inside of you. Every trace of hints that you were a monster were hidden from daylight for long as possible. You settled into a safe and normal lifestyle your mother sold her soul for. Maybe she knew the entire time what kind of monster she made. She tried her hardest to keep it chained up and brainwashed you into keeping away from the very thing that brought you into this world. But one could only do so much beyond the grave.

When you’re a kid, you’re taught the things that go bump in the night were just figments of your imagination. Characters in a story that was made up by someone to scare little kids. But kids have the mindset to believe these things. Because at that age anything is possible. For a short time before society and adulthood tricks us into thinking, you know about the evil in the world. And yet you’re still innocent enough to believe there is good as well. When you grew up you learned the truth. But the part of optimism where you get a happy ending dies. You had to take off your rose colored glasses and see the world for what it was. The monster you always were.

“What are you talking about, Y/N?” Sam asked you, wanting to make sense of all the things that were coming out of your mouth.

You stopped walking and stood there for a second with your hand pressed against the wall. You slowly turned around in your spot to face the boys to continue on with what you were saying. “I thought for the longest time I was Little Red Riding Hood, walking through life and being tricked by monsters who pretended to be my friend. Deep down. I thought I was good. But I wasn’t. I was never...clean.” The way your lips twitched at the word, it made it seem like you were saying a vile thing. “I was the wolf hiding in plain sight. I lied to you guys. I lied to myself. For the longest time I tricked people into thinking I was capable of making good decisions. But everything I touched turned to crap. I was tainted. Evil.”

You felt your lips twitching into what looked like a smile, but your eyes told a different story from how you were feeling at the moment. The boys had felt their fair share of emotions over the years, Sam had empathized with your pain about feeling unclean. At the end of all of it, you weren’t to blame for how you turned out. “Y/N, it’s not your fault.”

“For the longest time I thought it was. I blamed myself for the horrible things that happened. Sam dying. You going to hell. Lucifer being set free. The apocalypse. Everything could have been avoided if I made different decisions. I mean, knowing that I was a half-demon didn't really bother me. I could control her. I did my entire life. You know what really hurts the most?” You asked them, but not giving them a second to take a guess. They would never get it.” “It’s the fact that Lucifer made me. The most evil thing out there created me. I felt so alone. Isolated.”

“You’re not alone, Y/N.” Sam reassured you. He placed a hand on your shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze, hoping a touch would break you out of this head space. “You never were.”

“I’m the only of my kind. And there was no changing that. But I don’t feel like that anymore. Because these trials..." You felt yourself inhaling a deep breath, taking a pause between what you were about to say next. The look on your face from the things you knew for the future made you seem like you were suddenly at ease, despite all the things you admitted to just a few minutes earlier. A sense of hope followed after, it bloomed in your chest from the three words that followed after. "they're purifying us."

Dean felt himself being taken aback from the last word that slipped out from your mouth. He found himself standing there for a moment, trying to wrap his head around what you meant by that. Even though in the back of his mind he knew the answer, he wanted to hear it out of your mouth. The different answer than he suspected. You had been acting strange since you started the trials, and you were only getting worse. He watched as you made it down the hall and to the last door on the right. You stood there for a moment, trying to find something that was no longer there.

“They were here, the books, the boxes!” You pointed at the empty ground that no longer had the things you seen earlier today. Your voice was growing frustrated at what was happening. All of this was making you look like you were going crazy. “They—They’re gone.”

What you didn’t discover was the fact that room three sixty-six was opened just the slightest to anyone who dared walk inside. Dean took it upon himself to push open it wider and took a look inside to the hotel room you claimed belonged to Metatron. He stepped inside first to see the place was empty, you followed after and Sam trailed behind, discovering a collection of books that must have taken decades. You felt your anger slowly subsiding when you discovered the stock pile of books all around you. Piles that were taller than you, neatly stacked on tables. You read every title you could as you passed by, wondering to yourself if they had all been read.

The more you traveled into the place, the more you discovered thousands upon thousands of books from what it felt like. All neatly packed together on the floor and shelves. Someone was a bit of a bookworm. You and the boys traveled farther into the hotel, trying to find this angel you had traveled all the way here to see, not taking into consideration he might have been one step ahead of you. You felt your gaze going straight forward when you felt someone’s grip around your arm tug you back slightly, stopping you from walking into the barrel of a shotgun.

[Next Part]

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