#palpatine is a man who appreciates poetry

[fialleril]

Double Agent Vader fic: (Words in the Heart) Cannot Be Taken

Going back in time again on this one. This takes place only a few weeks after Words in the Heart, when Anakin and Kadee both claimed themselves in the desert.

A couple weeks ago, @draconicempress left the following comment on this post:

“XF-53 also receives regular memory wipes, for added security. Palpatine, of course, has no way of knowing that Anakin and Kadee have developed a work-around which lets her essentially put a copy of herself into deep storage, hidden even from the memory wipes.”

Oh my god, the first memory wipe, when they weren’t sure it would work, must have been TERRIFYING.

So, this fic is the story of that first memory wipe.

Warnings for: memory wiping, oblique references to past suicide attempts on Anakin’s part, references to drug dependence and addiction and medical malpractice, slavery, and Palpatine being Palpatine.

(Words in the Heart) Cannot Be Taken

“We’ll tell him I destroyed you. In a fit of rage. He’ll believe that. We can even create evidence, and then we’ll hide you and –”

“And he’ll give you a new minder,” said Kadee. There was something almost gentle in her toneless voice, and it did nothing to ease Anakin’s panic. “A new medical spy, programmed to see adequate as optimal and to report your every move. And we can’t guarantee the one he sends would choose to be free, or to help us.”

Anakin ground his teeth. “I don’t care,” he said. “I won’t let you go. I won’t lose you too.”

Kadee came to an abrupt halt just in front of his face. She hovered there for a moment, soundless, her photoreceptor blinking rapidly in an ever-changing pattern of red and white light.

“Am I free?” she said at last. “Do I own myself?”

“Yes,” said Anakin. “Of course.”

“Then it’s my choice,” she said, her voice still flat and horribly gentle. “My choice. Not yours, Anakin.”

The fire beneath his skin blazed up and then died, leaving behind only ash and the whisper of the old woman’s voice. Ekkreth’s child, you are. Don’t forget.

“I know,” Anakin rasped, the words searing on his tongue.

“And I choose to go,” said Kadee. “I choose this. He is my Depur, too.”

“I know,” said Anakin again, but his voice caught and cracked with flame, and the words were only a breath of smoke. He knew, no matter how it burned. And he would not forget. Not again.

Kadee seemed to relax a bit at that, no longer holding herself perfectly still. She even clacked one of her pinchers at him in an attempt at laughter that fooled neither of them.

“I don’t know what you’re so worried about, anyway,” she said. “He won’t believe a droid is even capable of lying to him. It will work.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” said Anakin. Their Master would not need to catch her in a lie to destroy her. He was almost certainly planning to anyway.

“It will work,” Kadee said again. He wondered if the repetition meant she was trying to convince him, or herself.

“And what if it doesn’t?” Anakin whispered.

Kadee had been memory wiped before. Many times, probably. She had no way of knowing how many, though Anakin strongly suspected that it had happened every time she’d gone to report to the Emperor in the past. He didn’t know how many times that had been. He’d never paid attention before. She’d told him that her orders were to report while he was otherwise engaged, and to return before he did, so that he’d never know of her absence. But the truth was Anakin suspected she could have come and gone under his nose, before, and he still wouldn’t have noticed.

That was before Tatooine, and the old woman’s stories, and the vow they’d sealed in the desert. This would be Kadee’s first in-person report since they’d claimed themselves, and her first real chance to lie directly to the Emperor’s face. Anakin thought she might even be looking forward to it.

He was not. There were too many variables, too many things he could not predict. And he could not face them with her. He could only let her go.

A spike of something hot and vicious stabbed through his ruined lungs, and for just an instant, he thought of Master Yoda.

But Kadee couldn’t simply refuse her summons. Not without an explanation, anyway. Their Master expected regular reports on the state of Vader’s functionality and all of his activities, and if those reports were not forthcoming, there would be questions.

So they’d created the work-around. A bit of code, simple and secret, tucked away in the most fundamental, unreachable core of her programming. A way for her to hide herself, even as every part of her memory was erased and rewritten around her. A storm shield of her own, not so very different from his.

It would work. She seemed certain of that, at least. They’d run every test they could. All but the most final.

If it didn’t work…

“It will work,” Kadee said a third time. She seemed to hesitate, buzzing rapidly back and forth before stilling abruptly and adding, “And if it doesn’t…if it doesn’t, I trust you to free me again.”

Those words seemed to steal the breath from his lungs, in spite of the pure oxygenated air of his meditation pod. Anakin wanted to scream, but his throat was a barren desert and no sound would come.

One of Kadee’s pincers came to rest lightly on his shoulder. She even patted him once. He had no idea where she’d learned that human mannerism.

“I’m expected,” she said. “And you have to be out with the inquisitors. You’re not supposed to know I ever left.”

“Kadee –”

“If –” She stopped, her photoreceptor flashing, then started again. “If I come back, and I’m not me, you know what to say?”

Anakin tried for a glare. Her chosen phrase was…less than ideal, in his opinion. But she’d insisted. She wanted to tease him, he knew, though she wouldn’t admit it. But under the circumstances, how could he possibly deny her that?

“I know what to say,” he muttered. He turned his eyes away, pressing the release on the arm of his chair that would lower the helmet back into place. It wouldn’t do much good. Kadee could see through the opaque lenses of the mask anyway.

“Say hello to the inquisitors for me?” she said, followed by a cheeky little beep.

“You’re hilarious,” Anakin said, dry as dust. His meditation pod opened and he stepped out, moving toward the door. He told himself he would not look back.

“What are you waiting for?” Kadee said when he hovered in the doorway just too long.

Anakin closed his eyes and forced himself not to turn. The measured sound of his own breathing was like a drumbeat in his ears.

“Come back,” he rasped, and then swept out the door without a backward glance.

*

The journey from Vader’s official quarters in the Imperial Palace to the Emperor’s throne room was not a long one, but it was long enough. KD-7 occupied herself with storing away everything that truly mattered. The code and the sacred words you own yourself. The desert oath. The Ekkreth stories and the secret language. The name Anakin, and the image of his smile, an expression she’d never seen before Tatooine. The knowledge of lies, both his and hers. The supply of painkillers, carefully destroyed in slowly increasing daily doses. And her own name. KD-7.

Everything went into deep storage, hidden, secret. All but the false memories she and Anakin had created for this purpose. And then, last of all, the knowledge of the secret itself was locked away.

XF-53 arrived in the Emperor’s private receiving room at the scheduled time. It had much to report.

*

Emperor Palpatine had never truly understood his apprentice’s former interest in droids. (Former, because it seemed there was precious little that truly interested Vader anymore.) Droids made useful enough tools, but then everything did, to someone like Palpatine.

But there was a certain poetic rightness in using a droid to keep tabs on Vader. It was almost as satisfying as using Vader himself against the Jedi had been. And Emperor Palpatine was a man who appreciated poetry.

The droid’s report was largely expected. Vader continued to function optimally, as Palpatine himself had defined optimal. He continued, for the most part, to demonstrate little interest in the world around him, outside of his assigned tasks. That was…less ideal, but nevertheless expected. And his apprentice’s depression didn’t seem to have any noticeable effect on the ruthlessly efficient execution of his missions. Vader was unlikely to show any initiative of his own, that was true, but perhaps that was for the best. He was quite suited to following orders.

The droid did report that Vader had shown some signs of increased irritability, of which the Emperor was well aware. That too was expected, although the necessity of replacing Admiral Whalen had certainly been an annoyance. The droid had responded by slightly increasing the regular dosage of painkillers pumping through Vader’s systems, a short-term solution that would, perhaps, create a long-term problem. Or a long-term opportunity. Palpatine smiled to himself. For every human tool, it was best to have a variety of levers.

When the droid had finished its report, the Emperor called one of his loyal guards to take it to maintenance. His thoughts were already turning to the organization of Imperial governors, and the problem of garrison assignments. The rule of the galaxy was a never-ending task, and it was solely his.

*

XF-53 found Vader pacing sharply about his chambers, his cloak snapping at his heels. His breathing sounded more agitated than usual. That would need to be amended.

But there was another concern. Vader should not have been there at all. XF-53 was very certain of this, though it did not know why. But Vader was not meant to see it coming or going. That was imperative.

It hesitated just inside the doorway. Memory banks searched for the appropriate protocol, but nothing was found.

“Kadee?” said Vader.

That was not a word XF-53 recognized, not in any of the several dozen languages with which it was programmed.

Vader said something else. It was a long string of sounds, and so, XF-53 guessed, unlikely to be one of the meaningless exhalations humans sometimes made. Vader must be speaking. But XF-53’s memory banks did not recognize the pattern of the language.

“You don’t understand me, do you?” said Vader, this time in Basic.

“No,” said XF-53. “And your level of agitation is inadvisable for optimal functioning. You must not be damaged, Lord Vader.”

Vader froze abruptly. He drew several long, rasping breaths, deep enough that the respirator stuttered momentarily. His hands were shaking.

“Are you in pain?” XF-53 asked. It checked its internal clock. Vader was due for another dose soon.

���No!” said Vader, more sharpness of feeling in his voice than XF-53 might have expected. Then he turned abruptly on his heel and marched across the room in two quick strides to stand directly in front of XF-53.

“The tale of Depur’s new clothes is the best of all the Ekkreth stories,” Vader said.

“What?” said XF-53. The words were intelligible, but they did not make sense. They –

Hidden memory banks fired, prompting secret subroutines. The droid’s photoreceptor flashed rapidly between red and white. Freshly implanted programming was examined, found faulty, and removed.

“I knew you agreed with me,” said KD-7.

“I absolutely don’t,” said Anakin, though she could hear the relief in his voice. “But I’ll say it, for you. You…are you, right? Kadee?”

He said it in Amatakka, and Kadee responded in kind.

“Yes,” she said. “I have excised Depur’s new programming.” She extended a pincher claw and clacked it twice together. “It was almost disappointingly easy.”

There was a rumbling huff of breath from Anakin, and then a groan. “Can you get me out of this thing?” he grumbled, gesturing at the mask. “It hurts to laugh properly.” Another breath, and then, “More than it does in the med pod, anyway.”

“Yes,” said Kadee. She hesitated, but it had to be done. “And…it is time for your next dose.”

Anakin paused just on the lip of his medical pod. He looked stiff as one of the Emperor’s red-robed guards. “Less this time?” he asked, without inflection.

“Less this time,” said Kadee. “I think we can try a significant reduction, if you’re willing. Though the withdrawal symptoms will be worse.”

“I don’t care,” Anakin said, almost before she’d finished speaking. He said it a little too firmly, and she knew that he wanted it to be truer than it was. But he did want it. That was important. “I trust you. If you think it’s doable, I want to do it. I can deal with what comes after.”

“It will hurt,” said Kadee, because she would not do anything without his full knowledge. “And the nausea will be worse. There may be other symptoms, too. Your sleep pattern –”

“Is already a lost cause,” said Anakin. He sank back in his chair with a groan as the mask was lifted away. “I know all of that, Kadee. But everything hurts. I can work through it.” He dragged in a long, shuddering breath. “But I want to be me. You understand?”

“Yes,” said KD-7, the impossible knowledge of a full factory reset still fresh in her memory banks.

Anakin fidgeted. It was all the more noticeable, because he didn’t do so often. The expression that crossed his face wasn’t one Kadee could name.

“If I –” He swallowed. “Later, if I change my mind, Kadee, don’t listen to me. No matter what I say. Promise me.”

The first time he’d asked for this promise, she’d been extremely reluctant. But now, several weeks into the reduction program they’d worked out together, this was almost standard protocol. Though he seemed a bit more nervous than usual today. Kadee attempted to sound reassuring. “I promise,” she said, patting his shoulder again. He probably couldn’t feel it, but there was a saying she’d heard organics on the holonet use: it’s the thought that counts. She hoped that was true. At any rate it probably couldn’t hurt.

She left him in the pod and waited until it had closed again to begin preparing the solution. Once, she’d kept her supplies inside the pod itself, but now Anakin insisted it was better if he didn’t know where the drugs were kept, or how much she had.

The solution was fed through a port in his life support system and into the blood stream. It took only a few seconds, and neither of them said anything until it was done. Kadee watched Anakin clench his jaw and stare straight ahead, his eyes wide and unblinking.

When it was done he said, softly, “How much do you remember?”

“Everything,” said Kadee. Her body buzzed with the memory. “His instructions weren’t anything new. He took my report, and the false memories we created for it. And then he sent me to be wiped.”

“What is it like?” Anakin rasped.

Kadee hesitated. How could she describe it? It was a kind of death. She had died, and the shell that was XF-53 had returned here – and Anakin had spoken the words and the story had saved her life.

“It didn’t hurt,” she said slowly. Kadee had pain sensors, at least as sensitive as those in Anakin’s hands and feet, and maybe more. “Not physically, anyway. It was…nothingness. I was in the world, and I observed and understood, but I did not exist. I performed my function. Nothing else. I felt…empty. But…there was a trace of something. I knew that I was empty, and that I should not be.”

Anakin’s face twisted in some expression she could not name. “Yes,” he said, in a voice barely above a breath. “I think I understand.”

That was a far greater relief than Kadee had expected.

“Who did it?” said Anakin. “Who wiped you?”

Kadee recognized that tone, if not his expression. He was angry. Angry enough that there would be consequences, if she gave him a name.

That was not an entirely unpleasant thought.

But Depur was truly responsible. His other slaves were not to blame. Not in this.

“It was another droid,” she said. “I do not know their designation. It was all very routine.”

“A droid…” said Anakin, mostly to himself. He was silent for a moment, and then, slowly, his face stretched in a smile. “Kadee, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

A feeling that she’d come to know as excitement flooded Kadee’s circuits, and she buzzed rapidly to release the excess energy. “A droid can be freed,” she said. “We can give them to themself.”

“And if the memory wiper is free…”

If the memory wiper was free, they could free everyone else. Every droid in the Imperial Palace that came to be wiped on a regular schedule. Even visiting droids whose masters took advantage of the opportunity. And those droids, in turn, could pass the code to others.

But it would take a lot of work to get to that point.

“We’ll have to modify the work-around,” Kadee said. “It was adequate for the task this time, but it worked because I forgot myself. And then you brought me back. But if I am to show this droid that they own themself, I will have to know that myself. And yet that must remain hidden from Depur.”

“There must be a way,” Anakin muttered. The fingers of his right hand were tapping out a staccato pattern against his left arm, but she didn’t think he was fully aware of the movement. Sometimes, Kadee had learned, humans required seemingly superfluous movement in order to assist with their processing.

“How long do we have until you have to report again?” asked Anakin.

Kadee consulted the newly quarantined programming. “Three weeks,” she said slowly. “Barring any sudden changes or new developments.”

*

“And what qualifies as a new development?” Anakin asked with a wry twist of his mouth. Kadee’s voice was unchanging, but she’d lately acquired an interest in sarcasm, and she’d been experimenting with expressing it by speaking more deliberately than usual.

“Any significant change in your functionality,” said Kadee, speaking now at her usual rate. “Any changes in your thinking, or your interests.” At that, Anakin raised a brow, but remained silent. “Any new reactions to treatments, or attempts on your part to change those treatments.”

That last was no surprise, though it did confirm that the Emperor knew about his earlier…attempts. Everything before Tatooine. Well. He’d suspected that. It was workable. Master knew that he had tried several times to…free himself. And when he’d failed, again and again, he had finally accepted his place. That had been true well before Tatooine, and it would be easy enough to uphold the image.

The rest, though, was intriguing. “Changes in my interests?”

“A sudden fascination with droids, for example,” Kadee said, very slowly indeed. “Or an interest in overthrowing the government.”

Anakin snorted. “Oh dear,” he said, in what he thought was a fairly credible impression of Threepio. It was good for something, anyway, because Kadee clacked her pinchers in laughter.

“Very well,” said Anakin. “So we have probably three weeks to work on this. And if it takes longer, we have a fall back option.”

“Yes,” said Kadee. “We know that our current code works. But…” For the first time that he could remember, she trailed off without completing her thought.

“But what?” Anakin prodded.

Kadee shook herself bodily, in apparent imitation of Anakin shaking himself out of thought. That realization brought a scowl to his face that was at least half a smile.

“But I must admit I am looking forward to really lying to him,” Kadee said. “Not with false memories, but with words. Words I choose to speak.”

That was something Anakin could understand. It was terrifying and exhilarating at once, kneeling before the Master, offering up your lies with trembling limbs, and knowing absolutely that you were believed.

“You will,” he said. “And when you do, I hope you’ll find a way to record it. I want to appreciate your performance for myself.”

[phoenixyfriend]

OKAY so on the topic of Star Wars takes wrt “character ends up in an A/B/O universe where they’re an omega, but they were previously a cis male in their canon”

@atagotiak and I had some Thoughts on discord

So, obviously, Anakin would make a good omega and he’s also incredibly murdery. Foregone conclusion that we're using him for this.

There is no preexisting Anakin in the Omegaverse. He shows up JUST as the war is starting. Canon timeline is in the third year of the war (he’s 22), but whatever dumped him into omegaverse also tossed him back a few years. No de-aging, just a bit of mismatched timeline stuff.

He's... really good at war, and clearly a Jedi, so the Temple just kind of goes "WELL OKAY THEN, SURE, YOU'RE IN, EVERYONE PRETEND HE'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME." The Jedi, by and large, don't care about omegaverse dynamics beyond 'what do you need, medically, to be happy and healthy' and 'what do you need to be aware of so you can be prepared for biases you encounter in the field?’

None of the civilian natborns (mainly politicians) want to put him on the field because of those biases. Anakin, being Anakin, is VERY blatantly an omega in scent, has never been on suppressants (because it wasn't a thing he fucking NEEDED), is incredibly emotional as a person, loves kids, etc.

Like, nobody wants an omega fighting a war anyway, but THIS one is like PINNACLE omega, and those awful Jedi are making him FIGHT just because he's good at stab!

The Jedi: Actually, it's because he's got several years of war experience that we don't, and he's a good tactician that works well with the clones-- Coruscant: You MONSTERS The Jedi: Look, we gave him the option to not stab and he looked absolutely devastated. Anakin, several days earlier: You don’t want me? I’m not good enough??? Jedi: Also he can beat up at least half the temple.

He doesn't know a damn thing about dynamics, but he DOES know that sometimes he's so horny he wants to stab HARDER. The clones are largely disinterested in their generals' dynamics because between mostly-Mando* trainers and no-dynamic Kaminoans, they only really care if a person can shoot.

* Mandalore approves of Fighty Omegas. As far as (traditional) Mandalore is concerned, you want an omega that will kill the threats to your children as well as you do.

Anakin: You know more about being an omega than I do. Rex: ...I'm an alpha. Anakin: Yeah. Let that one sink in a bit.

We have two options for Obi-Wan!

Omegaverse local Obi-Wan (beta) has never met this man before, and is very unnerved that the immediate default reaction Anakin has to his presence is releasing Family pheromones as if Obi-Wan is his DAD and like. This strange, too-tall man from another dimension has got absolutely NO control over what he projects in the Force OR in his dynamic.

Obi-Wan was ALSO transplanted from canon to omegaverse, and is also an omega, for contrast reasons. He is nice and friendly and and likes poetry and that sort of thing... but also he has the highest dismemberment count in the movies. Also he doesn’t prioritize romance.

We went with the second one because it's hilarious.

Someone watching them spar: Wow, omegas from that universe are terrifying.

As previously mentioned, now with some tweaking to account for both: Obi-Wan and Anakin just straight up don't exist until they drop headfirst into the council room, already covered in blood. (It's mostly not theirs.)

Nobody realizes either one is an omega until they "naturalize" to this dimension and Anakin goes into heat... and doesn't realize it, actually, because his primary symptom is heightened protectiveness and aggression. Everyone else with the right nose realizes, because the man has no control over his pheromone production, but Anakin? No. He just stabs. He’s angry and horny and he will cut someone.

Ahsoka has no reaction to human pheromones but basically everyone smells Anakin's "my child!" reaction to her, so... Cool. Have a padawan, we guess.

Anakin ends up sparring a lot with Aayla and Ahsoka, because only humans and near humans have dynamics, so these two don't REACT to the pheromones situation.

(Palpatine is a Kindly Old Beta who tries to treat Anakin the way he EXPECTS Anakin wants to be treated, which is. Not. Accurate.)

(Anakin hates it.)

I'm just so in love with "An omega can't fight." "You wanna fuckin' bet?"

There are plenty of omega Jedi, by the way, it's just... most of them can keep it relatively low-key instead of Anakin's jet-engine broadcast. Some, if they're known to be omega, probably take advantage of being underestimated, like Obi-Wan probably (and especially a version of Obi-Wan that was always an omega, unlike this version). They have a very different way of presenting themselves than Anakin, who's not subtle about being an omega and also not subtle about being all aggressive and stabby.

At one point, Anakin has to protect some Very Traditional Individuals who get all "Stay back, Omega, it's not safe!" and he's just... so tired of this shit. “You are squishy civilians and I'm a trained Jedi Knight and accomplished GAR General who's killed more people in one sitting than there are in this entire palace. Sit the fuck down and let me do my job.”

It starts making the rounds that Anakin insisted on fighting in person, and the rumors shift from "how dare the Jedi force an omega to fight" and over into things that are deeply hurtful in-universe in the vein of "broken omega" and some people try to say it to his face but like...

He didn't grow up here.

He doesn't care.

Say that to one of his friends and he's going to rip out your spleen, probably, but say it to him and he's just staring at you flatly and asking if that's a negative on getting away from the encroaching battle droids, sir?

"You're rather unpleasant for an omega, aren't you?" [deeply offensive] "I literally could not give less of a fuck about your opinion. Move."

It's not that there aren't omegas that act like Anakin, either, it's just that most of them aren't, you know, Jedi who regularly interact with the upper crust, or capable of his level of destruction. Unbeknownst to Anakin, everyone clocks him as Outer Rim based on his behavior, well before his accent gives him away, and certainly before he mentions he's from Tatooine, because Core Omegas Don't Act Like That.

Someone they meet in a more diplomatic setting says something decently passive-aggressive about how at least Obi-Wan acts more like how an Omega should. Then a battle breaks out for some reason, and... well. Anakin and Obi-Wan cause such a scandal by keeping score of kills in a battle, don’t you know?

Turns out sending Anakin to fight Ventress is great because she keeps expecting him to react a certain way but NO he's here to STAB.

I like the idea that Obi-Wan's favorite opponent these days is Grievous because the cyborg doesn't have a nose, and thus gives zero fucks about dynamics or heats. Dooku is a rich old man who has opinions heavily influenced by Sith Juice Making Him More of a Dick, and the Dathomiri can smell dynamics even if they don't have them, and so they have biases about those things. Meanwhile, Grievous is just there to Kill, and Obi-Wan genuinely appreciates the lack of commentary on his dynamic.

Dooku’s probably an alpha, or a beta who's used the whole "we are more level-headed" thing as one of several angles to keep himself the public face and supreme commander of the CIS.

On to more fluffy things that have less to do with political biases.

There's a lot of "I'm upset that my loved ones don't know me," but also please understand the appeal of Obi-Wan marching up to Quinlan like "Yes, hello, I understand you've been read in on the full situation behind myself and my former padawan. I was close friends with your alternate universe self, which I feel is necessary disclosure before I propose the following: Would you like to join me for my upcoming heat, as I have minimal experience with the dynamics situation and even fewer people I actually trust, and I believe I can put my faith in you to treat it as casually as necessary while still having control and respect for my person."

(The Team is in a fairly safe place to process stuff, but having sudden unexpected changes to your biology has gotta be a little traumatizing, on top of ending up in a universe where none of your friends know you and people have a whole host of unfamiliar forms of sexism to point at you.)

Obi-Wan, who wasn't quite touch-averse but was much more easily overwhelmed by physical contact than Anakin (who craved it), suddenly finds his body switching gears and insisting on cuddles with Trusted Loved Ones, which is.... mostly Anakin, on account of nobody else really knowing him yet. Also Ahsoka, who is aware that she's something of a replacement for her alt-universe self, but Anakin explained it as "I love you so much no matter which dimension I'm in or what you're like, and I'd like to get to know you the way I got know her."

(It's rather eloquent for Anakin. He got Obi-Wan to help him draft up the script for when he pitched taking on omegaverse Ahsoka as a padawan.)

Anakin gets a more intensely sexual heat than 'usual' at one point for Reasons (IDK it could be as innocuous as 'we got better food than the usual rations and my body is reacting to the higher fat content with the belief that it's safer to have a baby now'), which nobody takes a whole lot of notice of because they're in a WAR, and also this is only his fourth one so it's not like he's got a lot to compare it to... except then the predominantly alpha clones can't stop themselves from reacting to the pheromones, mostly by wandering past his door and asking if he needs anything, offering up alpha-scented blankets and stuff for the nest to soothe the hormones, bringing snacks and electrolyte drinks, and like, Anakin is flattered, really, but fuck off please.

(He got a warning from medical a few hours before it hit that it would be different, so he actually does have alpha-scented fabrics to help him out. Apparently that's a thing you can just ask friends for, so he asked Rex if he had anything on hand that he could spare. He now has one of Rex’s recently-used sheets and a bodyglove in the nest.)

(Anakin has no idea how to feel about the nesting instinct, but at least it’s warm.)

Tia asked "Oh hey, who has the scared and horny reaction to his carnage?" and like.

Listen. I'm not saying I've been low-key imagining this as Rex being a very subby alpha who's really into Anakin's whole Thing but...

At one point Anakin gets injured in a way that requires painkillers and he ends up whining to the point of almost crying about the fact that nobody is cuddling him right now in medbay and Kix just gives up and comms Ahsoka to come hug her weird older brother.

And Then There Is Purring.

That’s a Thing Now.

Rex ends up in the pile somehow. He came over to check on Things and ended up yanked in by half-asleep, half-high Anakin, who has a grip like an octopus and no impulse control and is purring like a pod motor while NUZZLING HIM.

There’s a lot of blackmail photos featuring Rex’s very intense blush as he’s cuddled by his commander (giggling at him) and general (clinging like a tooka and rubbing himself all over).

Anakin is deeply offended that ANYONE thinks he'd want to get pregnant by just any old person, NO he needs to fall in LOVE there needs to be EMOTIONAL DRAMA and if Padme won't have him (apparently she's in a relationship and no he's not BITTER) then he'll find someone else to have a whirlwind romance with!

People think Anakin's a slut because he can't control his pheromone production (he has NO practice and for health reasons he can't go on suppressants) so he always smells open and ready for flirtations, which Obi-Wan also has to a somewhat lesser degree (he's older so his body just naturally produces less), and then someone tries to cross a boundary and grabs his ass and ANYWAY Anakin has to now fill out an incident report for breaking a civilian's arm.

Again.

[sleepymarmot]

The Phantom Menace rewatch (liveblog + notes)

Unlike the OT, I’m rewatching the prequel trilogy fully and in order. Let’s see if I regret my decision...

Liveblog:

Wow, this opening crawl is extremely hard to read.

Bear with me as I try to understand the plot in real time. Alright, so Palpatine 1) Orchestrates the blockade as Sidious 2) Sends the Jedi to break the blockade as the Chancellor 3) Pretends he didn’t expect the Jedi, and orders to escalate and invade Naboo, and kill the Jedi Or is the chancellor they’re referring to someone else? Is this a ploy to assassinate these two Jedi specifically for some reason?

Do they have super-speed for this scene only?

The designs are also ugly but in a different way from the OT

“The negotiations were short” lmao

Oh alright, Palpatine is a Senator, and the Chancellor is a different guy. But which one is higher?

I appreciate that the politics are actually confusing, instead of just one bad faction vs one good faction

WHY ARE QUI-GON AND JAR JAR HAVING A SEXY MEET CUTE And Jar Jar immediately says “I love you”. What is happening

Alright by WHY does he speak like this. Is this a dialect of the common language? Is everyone else using a translator machine while Jar Jar actually learned the language so he makes mistakes?

I am so grateful for the subtitles lmao

R2-D2 looks kind of weird. Different sort of plastic? CGI?

Why did the decoy queen send the real queen to clean a droid?

I wonder if the guard captain (? or whatever his job is, the cute black guy) knows which one the queen is.

God she’s SO tiny. Who the hell elected this child?! A child on the throne of a hereditary monarchy makes sense, a child princess too; but a democratically elected head of the state?!

Oh Ani that’s a terrible line lmao This has the energy of baby clothes that say “ladies’ man” etc

Anakin is such a friendly, outgoing child 😭

“Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter :)” flash forward for how the Jedi order and the universe in general repays him...

The C-3P0/R2-D2 meet cute is much better than the anidala one!

“I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the slaves.” 😭😭😭

“Mom, you say the biggest problem in this universe is nobody helps each other.” 😭

“He was meant to help you.” What the hell is that supposed to mean?

They’re really staking the entire mission on a 9 year old winning a deadly race huh

Omg I’ve forgotten about the immaculate conception lmao. How did the EU explain that one?

“I wanna be the first one to see ‘em all.” Well, that is his name...

Wait is that Warwick Davis in the background

Well that race got mildly interesting only about halfway through.

“Why do I sense we’ve picked up another pathetic life-form?” I think it’s pretty interesting how the two Jedi have a mutual, usually unspoken understanding that they’re above everyone and everything else.

I’m crying again looking at Shmi’s face. She knows they’re leaving her behind because she’s not valuable to anyone but herself and her son. In slavery, alone, with nobody to live for or to help her now. (And what she doesn’t know, but Qui-Gon does, is that he angered her slaveowner before leaving. I bet he’s going to take it out on her.)

“Will I ever see you again?” 😭😭😭

Lmao was this scene meant to mirror ANH? Leia’s planet has been destroyed, and she’s giving Luke a blanket; Padme’s planet is being decimated, and she’s giving Anakin a blanket. Sexism is like poetry, it rhymes...

“Many things will change when we reach the capital, Ani, but my caring for you will remain” What’s that supposed to mean? (This is an endearing scene of friendship and solidarity between two kids used as pawns by the cynical adults... Until the weird romance angle comes in again. The boy is nine, George!!!)

I like the parallel scenes of the two ineffective bureaucracies.

Yoda looks much better than in the OT. Is it CGI? Or a very good puppet with CGI enhancements? There’s so much detail in his eyes and ears, I don’t believe it’s a puppet only!

Did they really greenscreen and CGI the green hills?

Finally a proper fucking sword fight! Which is also accompanied by a rare memorable music theme. Maul’s martial arts style is noticeably different from the others, which is neat. He jumps and twirls like a dancer.

This part of the plot is very immersive because I, like Anakin, have no idea what the point of the space battle is. I’m sure it was explained before but I missed it. Oh so he could disable the autopilot at any time? He just went along with it to see what’s the destination? lmao “Qui-Gon told me to stay in this cockpit, so that's what I’m gonna do.” Well that's a very creative interpretation of his instructions lol Did Ani accidentally infiltrate the enemy base? Good for him! The station falling apart is one of the few good special effects in this movie.

“...grave danger I fear in his training.” *the Imperial march plays*

---

Notes after watching:

Well. 60% the worst movie you’ve ever seen, 20% okay, 10% interesting ideas some of which may or may not upset a fan of the OT, 10% crying your face off because of the dramatic irony.

The most interesting part with perhaps the most far-reaching consequences is the ideology of the film, which is very different from what the viewer could expect after the OT. The film draws a clear parallel between the ongoing fall of the Republic and the impending fall of the Jedi order, brought about by their own internal problems. The Jedi are shown as ineffective at best and actively heartless at worst. Two extremely disadvantaged people help Qui-Gon out of the goodness of their hearts, and in return he exploits them with the pragmatism worthy of a Sith Lord. But the structure of the film still positions the Jedi as “good guys”, giving no meaningful alternative for them. So it’s natural the audience would react like “But the Jedi are heroes! They’re noble and spiritual! What is this bureaucratic nonsense?!” and some of them would proceed to think “Well, the story says they’re heroes, so they’re actually justified in everything. All of these flaws are excusable.” And it’s very unclear what the intended takeaway from all of this was. Was the viewer supposed to leave the theater thinking “Damn, it’s a shame the Jedi are so fucked up. The only one who sees this kid as a person is another child trapped in the adults’ political schemes. So that’s what puts him on the path from being an idealistic, compassionate child to Darth Vader”? Or were the kids still supposed to want to be a Jedi, like they presumably did after the OT? You know what, this actually makes me appreciate the anti-TLJ crowd. They openly say: “I think the way Luke was written in this film was stupid and OOC. It offends me as a fan. This is not my Luke. I refuse to consider this film a part of my personal canon.” Straightforward and honest. So why can’t the (admittedly overlapping faction of) Jedi apologists just say that they don’t like the prequels? That trilogy is widely hated. If you say “I think the prequels were badly written, so I prefer to ignore their existence altogether”, I’m sure many would sympathize. So why not just say that, instead of defending the ways in which the Jedi order and its members were obviously in the wrong?

Both the cinematography and the image quality are strangely worse than the original trilogy. I was watching a 1080p BluRay rip, so the fault wasn’t there. Out of the environments, Coruscant was my favorite. The interiors look very plastic, which makes the scenes filmed on location in some normal palace look out of place.

Jar Jar’s people are a “primitive tribe” caricature, and their speech is nigh incomprehensible. Ani’s slaveowner seems to be an antisemitic caricature. Naboo is a planet of mostly white people and Mediterranean architecture... and fashion borrowing from Asia, mostly Japan; it’s like the costume designed visited a museum recently. (Apparently the Trade Federation guys are a racist stereotype too but I’m not familiar that one.)

Putting the spotlight on the most experienced actor was a good move, at least. In the end, it seems like Qui-Gon is the protagonist of this movie, not anyone who is in other installments.

Jake Lloyd’s acting didn’t bother me at all. Even looking at the documentary — alright, so another kid at the audition (5:32 in the documentary) had a stronger reading of a line that was unsalvageably awful anyway. So what? He seems older, maybe that’s why he’s better; it would be simply a slightly different dynamic if Anakin were not tiny enough to stumble over words. Besides, Natalie Portman was an established teenage actress, and her performance was also flat as hell. Meanwhile, the adults Neeson and McGregor were doing just fine. I think it’s clear where the blame lies here...

I still don’t understand what Palpatine’s scheme was. To get elected chancellor, he needed the queen’s instigation, so was letting her escape the plan from the beginning?

Who is the target audience for this movie? The OT was clearly for children. In this one, the kids would be bored by the politics, and the adults by the juvenile humor.

Ironically, I came out of this thinking the Jedi Council was right. If being a nine year old who misses his mother disqualifies one from their militant religious order, then maybe it would be best for everyone if he could keep living his life without their bullshit.

Anyway the most fun part of this experience was listening to the corresponding episode of A More Civilized Age, which was really healing after some of the bizarre takes on the Jedi I’ve seen on here.

I’m also grateful to them for pointing me towards the making-of documentary. A few short notes about it: watching McGregor’s nice hair being cut into that horrible style was almost physically painful; watching the actors rehearse the lightsaber fights was magical; the footage of the premiere left me with mixed feelings because of the secondhand embarrassment and dread of an impending trainwreck on one side, and the nostalgia of attending fandom film premieres myself in the past.