#overwhelmed. everythings too much
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update the hair really is wine red......
#that side shot is fucking me up real good tonight oh my god#it looks so good..... i need better photos stat.... put him on my screen i am BEGGING#im so starved im actually crying#overwhelmed. everythings too much#i need to lay down#wrestling#my beloved#kip in a box#boxman saga#it deserves to be catalogued in the tag idec
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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saying this as respectfully as possible but. Do not put fandom content creators on a pedestal. We are also just fans contributing to a community just as you are. We have boundary on our own work and that’s it. What I say is not and should not be considered sth the whole fandom should listen to. I’m just a normal ass person ranting about things on my blog. If it does not have a fandom tag for others to engage in, do not make it out to be me trying to start fights or addressing the whole community. Because it’s not.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again, my art, my lore talk, is biased. I’ve never tried to hide that I view Marika a certain way and will always develop my theory following that base assumption.
Aside from translation stuffs and pointing out in-game items, everything else I say you can look at it, agree or disagree, and move on to form your own opinions. Just because I draw stuffs doesn’t mean you get to saddle me with responsibilities about managing fandom expectations. What the hell? I’m a fan artist, I’m the last person who you should look at for “leaderism” (?) WHAT?
I can and will be a hater in my own space, like I know sometimes other artists will just post their stuffs and not engage too heavily with fandom, and for a while I did try to do that here (because I’m already a dramatic ass on twitter), that’s just not me though.
You will get art and you will get my opinions as well.
#asking ppl to [celebrate different takes] is... WHAT?#different takes as in well I think she likes apples and you think she likes grapes. yeah that’s some fun discussion to be have#but different takes as in the fundamental of a character’s drive and personality??? NO#let’s put that down very clear here#I can still read fics where Marika is cold and calculate and manipulative as long as I can see there’re layers to it and the author#set it up in a way that I can see they got her backstory and build those layers based on that#and then there are ppl who literally only portray her as omg evil girlboss 101 let’s blame everything on this cardboard character#then I click back.#and there r ppl who might not vibe with how i portray her and they can ignore me. THAT'S OK TOO. we r in our own space.#it’s as simple as that!#ever since the dlc is out i literally could see the amount of ppl blocking me go up and im just “ok” because i do go around muting ppl too.#that's normal fandom space managing experience. pls do that#lore discussion is for ppl to engage in so u say ur piece i say mine and we can continue or not depending on situation#but FANWORK? leave each other alone or be a hater in ur own space ok?#personal#also where are these ppl who have been defending Marika at... because if u exclude me#and some others i can count on one hand. where are these ppl?#ppl saying headass stuffs about the HS aren't even Marika fans or engage too much in fandom to begin with#meanwhile u can't even find one youtube lore essay that says anything good about her#ppl are even trying to give Messmer's mother position to GEQ for no goddamn reason#like where is this overwhelming support for Marika at cuz as the active Marika stan around im not seeing it
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the emptiness in me has teeth
#bpd#i feel empty#emptiness#mentally ill#overthinking#traumatized#trapped#exhausted#overwhelmed#too much and not enough#i don't belong here#i can't handle this#need another world#hate everything#tired and sad#it hurts#mental breakdown
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kacchan really is so funny for being like BUT WHAT ABOUT BAKUDEKU CANON when he finds out izuku is quirkless
#bakudeku#bkdk#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#mha leaks#he really is like WHAT ABOUT US#WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING WE BEEN THROUGH#izuku is such a Gabriella too he DO be running away from his feelings every chance he gets#what about US IZUKU WHAT ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE#WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS MANGA IF WE ARENT MARRIED#and Izuku is like oh no my baby is on too many painkillers hahaha he’s not proposing to me right now that’s silly#if he was proposing that would mean he loved me and I can’t accept that reality I’m too much of a burden#I can’t think of myself long enough to realize I am valued#two months ago Izuku was like :) I’m so blessed kacchan talks to me almost normally#how is he supposed to process he was just proposed to by that same boy#like he’s also just gone through almost losing him he’s probably like I’m lucky he’s alive and breathing near me#and kacchan’s like I LOVE YOU I WANT YOU FOREVER#Izuku is overwhelmed ok give him some slack
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"The Exocannis Ressurection"
#been experiencing (seasonal) difficulties to feel satisfied with my art. especially if it's digital#i can't make fanart of other things i enjoy besides fnaf or listen to new music without feeling 'unknown' to it#everything is too much. new stuff becomes overwhelming and discouraging. people might not like it. (IT KEEPS HAPPENING RAGHHH))#so im breaking the cycle by trying something that i came up with months ago (AGAIN)#as some people might know. the character i drew here is Hunter. and he's my OC#he's from a story i created during the pandemic. it was originally called 'The Other Side'#i got obsessed and started making art. it truly felt like i was part of a huge community. when it was just me in my room#i feel like i said this before. but after Behind The Codes. this story is probably going to be the next thing i'll be working with#starbsart#original character
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HI! I MADE A PATREON!!
I will still be posting my art and writing for free here and on AO3, but I'll also be posting a few extra goodies over on Patreon, like some bonus WIPs, sketches, thoughts on writing/writing tips, behind-the-scenes commentaries on a chapter or one-shot each month, as well as voting polls on what I should write/draw next! (I'll probably be able to offer more tiers/rewards in the future, based on feedback and what I can comfortably create each month)
If you like what I do, it would mean a lot if you could support me by subscribing! If you can't commit to a monthly pledge but still want to help out, feel free to buy me a ko-fi. Whether you can support me monetarily or not, I still appreciate you so much and thank you for being here 🥹🫶
(T.S. I also posted a sneaky little WIP of the next chapter of Fates so feel free to check it out there! 😁)
#yes hello i'm finally making a post about it#not to get too PersonalTM but i've been struggling a lot with burnout and overwhelm this year#and i'm still working too much but hopefully i'll be able to reduce that by a few hours if everything goes well#but yeah anyway i'm honestly very grateful to anyone supporting my work in any way#whether that is comments/kudos/asks/reblogs it really means a lot
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im not autistic but i believe in their beliefs (because i share like 80 % of symptoms typical for autistic women with yall)
#overstimulation? check#bursts of anger? check#overwhelmed in social situations and needing a lot of downtime in my safe space? having comfort people? check#seeming ‚weird‘ to other people? check#always feeling like i dont fit in with the girls? check#overly excited over small things? check#sensory issues? check#never knowing when its my turn to talk in conversation? check#people reacting weirdly when i interject in conversations? check#monologueing about my special interests? check#special talent? semi check because i dont think im that good at drawing but i used to get in trouble in school for drawing too much#often say inappropriate/inappropriately frank and honest things unintentionally? check#extremely analytical thinking especially regarding social relationships but unable to make me less weird? check#having been the odd one in my family and school and at work all my life? check#having specific rules how everything has to be done? needing rituals and structure and a controlled environment? check#social anxiety as a result? CHECK#the list goes on…#its the adhd/bpd mix i think#personal
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ACROSS THE SPIDERVERSE SPOILERS
I cannot get over how Miles is Gwen’s safe person.
Miles is so her safe person that she CANNOT SENSE HIM. Her body physically cannot register him as a threat. Her spider sense does not tell her he’s there when invisible because HER BODY CANNOT BE ON GUARD WITH HIM. GRRRRR.
She can sense him across universes when he’s in danger but she can’t sense him when he’s five feet away because his intentions are so…not malicious. And she feels so safe with him. And trusts him so completely. That she literally can’t sense him.
#whether you ship it romantically or just like the friendship Gwen and Miles are everything to me#she makes so many mistakes over and over and it all just comes from this overwhelming position of being a kid and NOT KNOWING BETTER#Gwen Stacy lost her Peter and wasn’t ready to lose her Miles#and she hasn’t he’s right there#and she CAN’T SENSE HIM#she thinks she is all alone in the world and she’s NOT she ISN’T#her best friend is RIGHT THERE#she just loves him too much to feel him#gwen stacy#miles morales#spider gwen#spiderman#into the spider verse#across the Spiderverse#spoilers#miles and gwen
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comics are difficult to get into and the inconsistencies can be annoying/confusing and there is a lot of material to get through if you want to read major characters. but: it’s never so serious that you should let this stuff overwhelm you. just pick stuff up and try to figure out what’s going on. if you have a hard time going through a character’s reading order chronologically, just pick an event and read the issues for that specific story (trade paperbacks will make your life easier here). it’s literally not a commitment, tou can jump around however you like. reading comics isn’t homework, it should be fun
#I’ve always preferred reading single issues but I’ve heard ppl who don’t often read comics find trade paperbacks less overwhelming so!!#try that out. a lot of the classic storylines you here people reference may actually be very short! a lonely place of dying (tim’s intro &#debut as robin is 5 issues long. you’d be finished that before you finished a medium drink#not everything is no man’s land length (though. if you have fun with comics then you’ll work your way up to that probs! and you can always#read a few issues now and then some more in a few months and so on. no one can make you do anything in one particular way)#or come up with a list like ‘I want to read these characters’ introductions’#or if you’re only interested in the dynamic of certain characters…what’s stopping you from just jumping to stories relevant to that?#just have fun with it and read comics that seem fun. you might be surprised at how much you actually enjoy it when you’re not overwhelmed#way too many ppl say they would read if it didn’t seem so intimidating but guyssss you’re not getting graded on reading comics. just Start
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bla bla something about having a high status and heavy responsibilities, never learning how to process trauma or their own feelings in general, barely being able to take care of themselves due to looking after the others because they feel like they must be selfless leaders since they're the most physically capable in recovery out of everyone else after the game (but not mentally), but sometimes it just becomes too much.
they may suck with feelings but they understand eachothers pain
#is this anything at all#i just think theyd get along very very well. neglected rich blondies unite#everything just gets really overwhelming for them i think#they also did really messed up shit as remnants#but arent able to acknowledge it entirely bc they love their friends too much to care#sonia says shes a princess before shes a human so she lives by that duty. even if its gone#fuyuhiko just moves robotically. entirely cold except for knowing he has people to protect now#so he makes it his mission because thats how he's always lived#all while at the same time he and sonia dont really converse well at first#but sitting silently together is enough#bongo art#art#digital art#sdr2#danganronpa#super danganronpa 2#danganronpa goodbye despair#danganronpa 2 goodbye despair#fuyuhiko kuzuryu#sonia nevermind
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My fourth wall OCs! ♥ (Patreon)
I tried to put everything in the tags but ended up being too long-winded lol, so here it is instead!
For this year’s big behind-the-scenes project, I realized I haven’t given colour references to a lot of my 4th Wall characters! There are...a surprising proportion of femboys who are aware of their existence here now that I look at it lol - I mean technically only Cory and Mint count there but that's still 2/8 - a fourth is kind of a lot! Their sizing is pretty funny to me as well, Cory’s proportions make everyone else look tiny by comparison, he’s just got a very large eye! Set right next to Gijat too, Vortians are so compact - he’s fully grown he’s an adult he’s just small!
Okay, for actuals now, starting left-to-right - while they’re obviously organized by height, it's funny because Cure is also the oldest by creation date. She's front of the line on everything! How silly. She's larger than your average plush bear but only by a little - just enough to be like Mildly intimidating if she approached haha. Puntable - and yet unpuntable lol. It's not just her being the oldest of the lot that makes her more powerful (although that is a contributing factor - she’s aware of her status both in and out of character!). It's not just Kids Rules either since she was made such a long time ago - y'know like ''Oh yeah well my character is [very powerful for X reasons]'' - although yes Also That lol. She's a Fourth Wall OC down to her roots, always intended that way - not everyone here can say that!
Tala also has that edge! Though in a very different way haha - she's also the only one here with a physical counterpart, which is fun :D Means she can go on “actual” adventures and bring that knowledge back with her cartoon versions - both are as real as the other! I keep forgotting her bow, agh, I need to take some more pictures of her sometime so my mental picture of her is more up to date haha
I guess my blankslate HF expression kind of counts?? Lol, it’s mostly for funsies, they’re more like a Concept As Person so?? Sure lol, With Accessories of course lol - haven’t been fighting it much lately so that’s all for now ♪ I wonder if they’ll stay so lucky in the near future hmmm
Gijat! ♥ He ended up being an accidental fourth wall character actually haha, he wasn’t designed with that in mind! He's not meant to know such things, but he did fairly well with it while he was part of the main rotation :) He was designed to be a story character but he ended up being my favourite comfort character so he got a few glimpses out <3 He hasn't for a while though! He's been retired for a long while actually - he's the second oldest character in the lineup after Cure but she had more staying power, sorry Gi <3 I did draw his fairy version not all That long ago tho! It’s hard to let go of anyone for Too long haha
Cory ♥ My sweet special boy <3 He's also the third oldest here! He was the first one to assert himself as a fourth wall OC haha ♪ Cure didn't really congeal into an OC for a long time - she stayed a concept and Gijat was on accident - whereas Cory purposefully and clearly looked outward from the start. He Has a story but it's never been all That developed - he has some non-4th Wall character-friends but his main focus is other, unrelated characters. He's always been very interested in other OCs, a lot of which stems from Bar actually haha - he and Bar are near-contemporaries - they're both featured here for a reason haha
Mint >:| He's...fine. He was inspired from a weird source and has therefore always Been weird - and also asserted himself like Cory. Same story - he has canon story elements but for the most part he's interested in others! Usually in a Pursuit kind of way, and not just limited to my OCs >:/ He needs to behave himself is what - he also has like 1000 outfits and they rarely repeat, ugh, pick one! I wasn’t familiar with the eGirl aesthetic at the time I made him, but he 100% fits it, look at him in his elf ears and heterochromatic contacts smh. I don’t actually know his real eye colour, or hair colour! He wears contacts and dyes his hair and won’t tell me, he even started dating a non-4th wall character without asking! He’s a real wild card
Erase is probably the babiest of the list despite Tala being newer and younger - everyone else was made before Erase! They’ve had had less screen time and less development than everyone else too.They're an incredibly light and oddly harmless fourth wall presence lol for all the danger They pose in Their story :0 They're fairly polite all things considered. They actually have a degree of respect for the fourth wall - unlike Some people (Mint) - probably from acknowledging The Player/Character vs. developer. If there's a hierarchy capable of being distinguished then Erase is going to place Themself in the safest spot. Y'know - to cause problems from lol. I do need to play with Them more - They're fun! But fun isn't quite enough to be full-fledged Interesting just yet, more to do, more to do
It's almost unfair to have Erase right next to Bar lol - possibly my most Interesting OC of all time. First created in 2015 quite soon after Cory, even in the same notebook! He retired in 2017, I think? 2018 at the latest - and then was revived in 2020 and has been here again since. And that's just his timeline! Not counting everything that went into him character-wise. Obviously my sonas don't count as 4th wall OCs because y'know - they're me - but Bar falls kind of unclear of the line between OC and sona, he's always been a weird one. He was initially meant to be an RP character and then over time he developed into a 4th wall OC/sona of a Kind. Nowadays he's a fully-fledged 4th wall OC by design - his change in design from his 2020 revival was meant to represent his transformation thereof - but he's always been weird! If I had to pick a character that I’d consider “overdeveloped” or put too much of myself in - even more than some of my sonas - it'd be him. He's one of my favourites because of that but it's hard to quantify how exactly I feel about him haha. I love him! It's painful! He's great! He's awful! He's very important to me and he'll never return to being what he was first created for again. I do quite like his new design <3 Paying homage to the video that sent him crashing back into relevance for me haha
It was fun to draw everyone :D And it's nice that they all have colour references now! Mint has definitely been the longest without one, everyone else has had at least Something - even Erase! And They're way newer! I did make Mint in a couple online dollmakers but that's not quite the same thing haha, he really needs his clothes hand-drawn :P
It's good to have them all :) They're a fun bunch and I like all of them <3 I think it’s kinda funny and a little strange how few crossovers they’ve had with each other though! So far it’s really only been Tala-Bar-Cory - the rest are aware of each other but haven’t really met, how strange, considering what they are!
#My art#Original#Would definitely recommend opening in a new tab on this one lol#This year's Requestober warmup project!#I actually ended up finishing everything well before the end of the season so I had to cast around for a few smaller things to do haha#But if anything I'm quite pleased that something of this size was able to be done so quickly!#It does help that my 4th wall OCs are some of my favourites haha - they get invited out! Or push themselves there >:P#I don't mind with Cory but Mint smh#I don't Really mind with Mint either pft but I do like to give him a hard time - he's a troublemaker!#On top of the high proportion of femboys there's also a lot of troublemakers in here - some of these interactions would be explosive lol#I do think it'd be fun to have them all meet up a bit more! Cure showed interest in Mint not too long ago#And Cory loves everyone haha he's actually very good about all that - he's kind of like a foster parent welcoming new rescues hahaha#He's always been like that <3 It's why he gets a birthday celebration most years good boys deserve good birthdays#I think Gijat would probably be overwhelmed by most everyone haha he really wasn't built to interact with others outside of his own story#And his fairy version probably hates me so there's that lol#He's good with kids tho! He could probably chat with Tala and they'd both be alright :)#Bar as usually snapping up any spare screentime and focus - gotta talk about him! Pft ♪#He's fairly chill thankfully - a little standoffish but that's to be expected really#Now that I think of it I drew Cory holding a tiny Bar when they were first contemporaries - I could do the opposite now!#Bar throws off the scale of everyone else so much haha <3#Goods lads ♥
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I miss him. I'm also crying. But I don't think it's because I miss him? Maybe it is? Maybe I just don't want it to be?
I want to text him. I want to text him please. But I don't want to be too much. I don't want to be too much again.
I don't know what to do. I can't breath. I can't fucking breath anymore. I want him to hug and hold me.
I need to breath again. Please?
I want to text him.
I miss him.
#mental health#vent blog#depressing shit#vent post#boyfriend#relationship#actually bpd#borderline personality disorder#bpd#bpd safe#bpd vent#bpd thoughts#borderline problems#actually borderline#borderline blog#borderline#i can't breathe#him#i miss him#favourite person#bpd fp#bpd favorite person#everything is spinningggg#too much#overwhelmed#help?
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i think george has somehow mastered how to keep my attention like he disappears for a month and i go about my life doing other things and i start to think oh… i miss him a little…. but what if my interest is fading…. its been so long….. and then he randomly goes live at 11pm uk time and its like i get hit by a truck with how excited i am to see him like ohhh YES! i DO still love him! immensely!!!! this is amazing!!!!!
#maybe im weird but too much content makes me lose interest#like i get overwhelmed tryinf to keep up so i just dont#and the excitement goes away because oh its whatever theyll be live again soon#but with george i know i have to drop everything and COMMIT when he goes live cos who knows when he’ll next stream#and its like excitinf to me to do that#doesthat make sense
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Life got more interesting when I learned that everything is an argument, everything is political, and everything is deeper than it seems. Everything is the product of something, and it's up to us to figure out what that "something" is. We are interesting as fuck! We are deeper than you think!
It might seem really tedious, but recognizing this has made me so much less incurious. I now want to learn about us as people. Everything is deeper than it seems.
#positivity#i see this as a positive#i was talking about modern art with my dad and i was realizing that we're pretty different in terms of philosophy...#...because i got excited thinking about the politics of art - he was baffled at what's considered 'art' and!!!#that's a deep conversation! modern art is so much deeper than 'lul this guy thinks a red canvas is art'#and people's REACTIONS about what is considered art is just as political as what we *call* art!#and he seemed baffled that i called it political but i don't think art exists in a vacuum - nothing truly does#once i realized everything is an argument i started actually paying more attention to other people#i know this line of thinking is easily overwhelming to others but i found that it was so helpful to me#because now there's yet *another* PURPOSE to actually pay close attention to every little thing#and that's something that's helped save me#you know maybe this is what they mean when they say autistics like to break things apart...?#i'm just putting this out there so maybe somebody can be like 'this is what i want to do too!“
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pink pink pink pink i love pink so much pink pink pink pink heart eyes pink pink pink pink makes me feel so at ease with myself pink pink pink pink p-
#derangedfujoshi blabs#sorry i got overwhelmed by my love for pink#i wish i could coat everything in my life pink#it's so gender affirming too like yesyes my boygirl side is very much pink and my girlboy side is too#making snow angels in a field of pink glitter as we speak#personal
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