#overt cullen x lavellan at last

[spainkitty]

Tranquility and Free Will: After the Shrine of Dumat

tw: death, neither pro nor anti Tranquility, Cullen's PTSD

Lanil's Pieces Masterlist

It was... a much less easy journey back to Skyhold. Harder to joke. Harder to smile. Maddox had shaken Lavellan to the core. It made her remember that conversation with Cullen weeks ago, the lyrium scattered on the ground, templars and mages and Meredith. Seeing Maddox, his Tranquility, his emotionless yet fervent suicide, his faithfulness to a man who had shown him kindness and wanted to destroy the world.

It was... horrifying.

Heartbreaking.

It made her fucking furious.

She sat on the edge of camp a few days out from Skyhold. She could hear Dorian and Cassandra bickering over spices for the stew, Varric humming softly as he cleaned and calibrated Bianca, Cullen whispering to the horses. The usual sounds of each night. She stared up at the stars, watched her breath fog in the air, and told herself not to scream.

To breathe.

Which was made harder when Cullen's whispering ended and his footsteps approached her. He stood next to her shoulder for a long minute. Silent, too. Maybe staring at the stars, too. Maybe trying not to scream, too.

"Sit or leave."

"I didn't want to impose."

"Looming over me isn't imposing?" Lavellan asked dryly.

"Right, I apologize, I'll go--"

"I wasn't angry about Fairbanks. I wasn't even angry about the blasted halla comment, though it was out of line and you should apologize to the halla."

"Apologize... to the halla."

"Yes. There's a ritual for it. You have to find a temple of Ghilan'nain."

"I could... do that."

"And then weave a blanket of spindleweed and fresh spring grass."

"And if it's autumn?"

"You'll have to go to a country that always has spring grass. Or suffer the terrible, crushing disappointment of halla everywhere."

"So, I find a temple, weave some grass and weeds?"

"And then sing to Ghilan'nain a special Elvish prayer while wearing only the grass blanket."

"So I have to be naked."

"Ask Dorian. He knows all about elves singing flowers into bloom while naked."

Cullen huffed and slowly sat down next to her. "You're teasing me, so I guess you're not upset?"

"Of course I'm upset. I'm mad. I've never been so mad in my life." She said it quietly, voice shaking, arms wrapped around her shins. "I'm mad at Samson for dragging Maddox into it. I'm mad at Meredith for... for punishing him like that. I'm mad at you for saying templars serve a purpose. I'm mad at the Circles for existing. I'm mad at the Chantry for what they put mages through, for what they put templars through, for what they allow and keep secret and destroy, with this facade of doing what Andraste wanted. I'm mad at the whole fucking world."

"I... I get that."

"Thank you." She braced her chin on her knees. "More than anything, I'm... I'm sad. He shouldn't have died like that. He deserved so much better than that. But I'm also... I don't pity him. I'm in awe of him. His faith. His determination. His loyalty. He wasn't a puppet, Cullen. He wasn't an empty shell. He shouldn't have died, but I can't pity him. He doesn't deserve that, either."

"In the end, he made a choice of his own free will. I wish it could've ended better. I wish we could've stopped him. But I won't pity him either." Cullen spoke so softly and firmly. Lavellan was filled with rage, with fear, but Cullen. Cullen was hurting for Maddox. It laced through every word, that empathetic pain.

"That could be me."

"What?" The word ripped out of him with so much shock, so much offense. It made her smile.

"Whoever the new Divine is, they could be like all the others. They'll put mages in the Circles. The templars will get their purpose back. They'll remember everything that happened and they're not all you, Cullen. They might not grow out of the resentment or the fear. Mages will die. I could die. I could be made Tranquil. They'll catch me and throw me in. And when they do, will templars be serving their purpose?"

"Lavellan, it's not the same, it'll be different, it'll have to be different--"

"No. It doesn't have to. You've met Vivienne, right? She's a mage that thinks like you do--"

"That is not how I think."

She startled and slowly turned to face him.

"I don't want that to be a templar's purpose. Why do you think I left?" Cullen said. "Everything was about fear. It made me more afraid, more angry, and I had good reason for it. Kirkwall was...  Kirkwall was worse than the Void. But in the end, it was just fear. Fear feeding fear, going in this violent, murderous circle. Mages pushing at limits, templars hurting them for trying, mages becoming blood mages to hurt templars back, templars pouring lyrium down their throats and losing their minds, and mages summoning demons and losing theirs. Everyone trying to hurt everyone else because they were hurting."

"Explains the explosion. It sounds like everything was a bomb waiting to happen."

"I haven't even told you about the Qunari."

"Don't worry, I read Varric's book."

Cullen laughed softly, so softly it shredded into nothing the moment it left his mouth.

"I knew a young woman, a mage, and elf, like you. She was... I thought I'd never met or seen a girl like her. You remind me so much of her that it was hard to separate you in the beginning."

"Su...rano?"

"Surana."

"Ah."

"She passed her Harrowing at 18. I was there, I held a sword ready to cut her down if she failed." Lavellan's fingers clenched into fists. "I'd been to Harrowings before, I never had to, every time it was over was a relief. I never had to use my blade on these people I swore to protect. After hers... she asked... would I have done it? I told her it was my duty, I had to, but I didn't want to. And she laughed and told me it was okay, she knew all along she'd be fine. She was... so bright." He forced the word out, and it sounded like it tore his heart in two.

"Was?" she asked, had to ask, even as she shook and desperately didn't want to know.

"She was supposed to be made Tranquil and I helped her escape."

Lavellan finally moved, finally broke from her curled and defensive position, turned her whole body toward him to stare at his profile.

"What?"

"There were blood mages in the Circle. Everyone was fighting, and dying, and I watched the Tranquils... they were some of the first," Cullen swallowed hard and sweat glistened across his forehead. She should tell him to stop. She didn't have to know. But she wanted to know. "I watched them become abominations at the hands of people that called them colleagues, maybe even called them friends. One of them said, this is uncomfortable. That's it. This is uncomfortable."

"Oh... Mythal..." Lavellan breathed out, filled with horror and disgust.

"The thought of her, that laughing, confident girl, waiting to be become something like that, like them... I let her out. Forced her through a door and used a Templar rune to lock it. She was safe and... and the blood mages tried to use her, my memory and my... my infatuation with her, against me. To break me."

"And so you feared mages."

"I hated them. For a time, I even blamed her. For making me weak. It took me years to realize that of all the sorry bastards they tortured, I was the only one that didn't break. I don't know how much of that was me, and how much was her," Cullen whispered it, stared at his gloved palms, shoulders bowed under the weight despite sharing it.

"It could be both." She hesitantly raised a hand. Let it drop. "But I think it was you." Cullen met her eyes and they sat side by side, everything they've seen and been through and what they could have become lying heavy between them. "People say I'm... indomitable. I have a strong will. But I've got nothing on you. Me? I'm an asshole, I bludgeon my way through problems." Cullen chuckled. "But you? You're kind. After all that, you're so kind. You're... you're the indomitable one."

"I didn't tell you about this for praise, Lavellan."

"Call me Lane, remember?" She knocked her shoulder against his arm. Froze, held her breath; had she pushed too soon?

"Lane."

She released a slow breath of relief. "So why did you tell me? Just... draw it out for me. Pretend I'm stupid."

He laughed at last and she smiled.

"Because I don't want that to be someone's future, forced on them against their will. I want there to be a better way. But I need you to understand why I defend the templars, why they're important. Everyone in Kinloch Hold was at fault, everyone was a monster... even me. But we can't pretend like taking away all protections makes us more free, or absolves legitimate reasons for fear. There will always be abuses of power, and they make people like Uldred and Samson."

"But they also make Maddox."

"Yeah. They also make Maddox."

"It's... not an easy fix," Lavellan scowled. "Which is the understatement of the damn century. Millennium."

"No, it won't be easy," Cullen agreed.

"Do you think I could find it? A fix?"

"You're the one person I believe who can."

"You know... I'm not so angry at you anymore."

"What a relief." His whole body sagged as his sigh gusted from him. "I don't still have to dance naked for the halla, do I?"

"Ass." She bumped his shoulder with her fist, grimacing at the metal she hit. "Double ass. Why are you always wearing armor?!"

He got to his feet, and she moved to follow, taking a brief moment to stretch out her legs. He reached out his hand, and... she glanced up. Carefully, she set her hand in his and let him gently pull to her to feet. He was so damn tall, it hurt a little to crane her neck, but she couldn't look away from his face. From that shy, private smile.

Her hand tightened around his when he tried to pull away. His eyes widened slightly, then something happened to his expression. His eyes grew darker, his smile slipped away, but it wasn't anger. It had her heart thudding.

She remembered, out of nowhere, that moment in Halamshiral. The ground shifting under her feet. It was happening again. When his hand moved to interlace their fingers, their hands hidden by their cloaks and his eyes intent on her face, the ground shifted under her, her knees quaking.

"Do you still confuse me with her?" Lavellan asked, wondering where it came from. Wondering why it mattered.

"No. You are..." He searched for a word and Lavellan shook her head.

"I wasn't asking for praise, either. I just wanted to know I... that I'm just me to you. No one else."

"Lane..."

"I'm sure your conversation is riveting!" Dorian called.

Lavellan and Cullen jerked slightly apart, but not far enough to need to drop their hands. In fact, she couldn't help but hold on tighter. Her heart pounded when his thumb brushed the back of her glove. It felt as intimate as if it had been skin to skin.

"However, this stew is long done and you need to eat it before it overcooks."

"You can't overcook stew," Cassandra said incredulously.

"My dear, you can overcook anything."

"C'mon Shortie, Curly, stop being so serious. We've got a long way to Skyhold yet. Your faces will get stuck like that."

"As opposed to what, looking like yours?" Lavellan asked. Varric scoffed.

"You wish you were as pretty as me."

She grinned up at Cullen. "I think we've got good faces. What do you think?"

"I definitely like yours more than his."

"Good answer."

Just a moment longer, they held on tight. Then, slowly, their hands slipped apart, finger by finger, inch by inch, until they could walk towards the fire without a single bit touching the other. For the rest of the night, she couldn't help staring at his hands.

Wishing she could've held on longer. Wishing that after the maraas-lok, she had managed to get to Cullen's office. Wishing she knew what it was like to wake up next to him with his hand holding hers.

Part I / Part II

[amarmeme]

WIPs

Tagged by @evilsapphyre​. Now you will see why I get nothing done. In alpha order by pairing. Because this is so long, I am not tagging anyone explicitly, but feel free to do this. 

Alistair x Amell / Anora

Gifts of Marriage: Alistair x Anora  Twice a week, save during her courses, Anora decides. It is little enough to truly vex her and adequate for its purposes. Better to bear some discomfort and awkwardness in the hopes of conceiving right away than wait for any length of time to pass before it can become more... palatable. There could never be anything more than duty.

Lady Heroes: Alistair x Amell, SebHawke A happy bark and an exclamation filled the silence and she hurried to catch up. Sol dropped another invisibility spell and peered inside the open doorway. The large window was cast wide, moonlight streaming over the large bed filled with a wiggling, giddy mabari and a laughing, confused king. The bed’s curtains were opened on all sides; the fireplace was dark. Not looking to freeze to death now she was back inside a proper castle, Sol set the cold logs on fire with a thoughtless gesture. Alistair heard the woosh of flames lick up the chimney and whipped to observe the spot. At the crack of magic, Dóchas leapt off the bed, so used to sleeping in front of campfires. Sol simply shifted in the door, watching the scene unfold and waiting for the moment he would notice her. And he would, even if magic masked her completely. He would know.

Cassarric 

Into the Red: soulmate cop AU It was just like his book.  As Cassandra approached the victim’s body, her immediate thought was of Marris Hethric’s bestseller The Ravaging Red. The scene before her was so perfectly in line with that of Detective Mark Greaves’ story that at first, she’d stopped in her tracks as Vallen kept walking towards the victim. She snapped herself out of it quickly, chastising her imagination. Surely it was a coincidence -- many lowlifes died in Kirkwall alleyways.

The Shelved Works of Varric Tethras: Just kidding I don’t have a damn word for chapter 19. Eeeep. 

Cullen x Trev

Cool, blue waters: Cullen x Lotte  The stranger pushes her down, hard, against the granite floor. Her kneecaps shift, unsteady under the pressure of his hands and against the unforgiving tiles. They make up a blue so deep the floor shines like the sea under the moonlight. Swaths of silver veins mingle with the coastal waters, and if she squints hard enough it's like being on the shore, staring out at the endless waves. “I can almost see it,” she whispers. Home. She couldn't wait to show Cullen.

Seven Letters for Seven Moods: Cullen x Lotte If I was in Skyhold and in your office, knowing you ache as badly for me, I’d leave the door unlocked. I would sink to my knees before you, stroking your thighs as I lower myself down to the cool floor. You're ready for my attentions and I unlace your breeches myself, plucking them open slowly, teasing you with my other hand on your inner thigh, just brushing your cock (I do believe this is the first time I’ve written that word, Cullen! I cannot believe I’m doing this). You hiss between your teeth as my palm greets you there, capturing you in a tight grip.

The Name’s Evelyn Trevelyan: Cullen x Evelyn “Dorian told me you’ve never done this before. It’s okay, I don’t mind.”    “That ass.” Cullen shook his head in disbelief. “That is not what I said. At all.” He reeled back, holding Evelyn’s upper arms. “So all this time you've thought--” Evelyn was biting her lip, hard. She was trying not to laugh, but failed spectacularly, covering her face and shaking her head. “I’m sorry! He-- ahaha! Oh, Cullen. He just told me this a few days ago, so no. I had no idea.” “It’s not true.” “I know.” She said it as if she meant the exact opposite. “I have... slept with a woman before.” 

Reyder

The Underground: Reyder (dance club smut) He wants her to come to a new club, something called the Underground. It sounds like Tartarus, (isn’t that underground technically too?) but Casarra doesn’t need much convincing. If Reyes can’t remember what it was like to dance with her, then it's really time to fix that. 

The Way You Look at Me: Reyder Casarra cleared her throat and stepped into the room proper. Droplets of water still clung to her skin, caressing the curve of her neck, the line of her shoulders. She seemed tense; her hands stacked before her chest, clutching a towel shut. Reyes didn't dare yet move. If anything, his overt flirtations had only served to put him in this position, one where the line between her strangling and straddling him was too blurred to confidently maneuver.

Zero-sum Gravida: Reyder Pregnancy AU Reyes catches her eyes, fixing her still like the first time they’d met and the last time they’d parted. The humor is gone in his expression and he holds his jaw carefully.“It is mine?” She can't feel her fingertips. A cold sweat rushes over her body and her hair stands on end, prickling her scalp. “Yes.”

SebHawke

Choir Boy: (For @element-104, surprise.) The pallor of death was upon her, yet Sebastian could not give up hope. His bitter brother in arms did what he could. Cool blue light leached from Anders’ fingertips until sweat dripped down the mage’s brow. Hawke's insides wove together like the fine edge of a tapestry, susceptible to fraying at the slightest provocation. It had to be enough. Anders collapsed only after Varric pulled him away, Sebastian recognizing the force of the mage’s will was not too dissimilar from his own. As the fire burned low, Sebastian was the sole remainder, hands pressed in prayer, shallow breaths counted like benedictions. Choir boy. The moniker might have been mocking, but Sebastian knew how to hold a vigil, to remain at Hawke's side as long as necessary while she fought for her life on a much quieter scale than before. The angry fissure line across her abdomen would forever remind her of the Arishok; it was the mark of a Champion.

The Red Queen: AU arranged marriage “There is a place, not far from here,” he says. “We will be safe.” Marian dips ever forward in the saddle, hands gripping the horse’s wet mane. She is sodden, droplets cascading off the tip of her nose to splash against the leather seat. The King wraps an arm around her, pulling her back towards his chest. Now upright, she must close her eyes to the storm. The rain cuts across her face. He had not expected an answer, and so when she does not give one there is no reason to dismay. Yet the sinking sensation in his stomach washes over him anew. Marian is the receding tide that surges to  break the shoreline again and again, and those in her path must hunker against the waves. Sebastian had not hardened himself to bear the disappointment. His fear lies in what he might become with an iron heart; the sharp pain of angst serves far too well as a compass. 

Verita x Michel 

A Chevalier in Scouts’ Clothing: Lavellan x Michel de Chevin (Michel is deployed to help save Clan Lavellan) Although I never thought I would find myself here, far from Orlais, this felt like coming home. The clan is far more accepting of me than I should have expected or deserved. While I have only been here for six months, it is more easy than life in Val Royeaux ever was. Volant, Jester and I have one more meeting before we part ways. I cannot speak for them, but the feeling of accomplishment keeps me awake. My limbs are filled with a fire that was stronger than anything ever before this. Ah, Verita -- there is much I should tell you, for maybe without explanation this all sounds wrong. How could a man be so enamored with what he has found in your family?

A Trick of the Rain: Lavellan x Michel de Chevin (also Cullen x Lysette) The moment she touches his face he knows himself again and it does not conflict with his past or future. He is Michel de Chevin, son to an elven woman, in love with another. Everything is right with her slender fingers on his neck, her breath against the shell of his ear. She trembles slightly, a leaf fluttering on the vine, and Michel aches to shelter her. She's provided far more comfort to him in the last hour than he’s offered in their entire acquaintance and it shames the part of him that will never be able to shed the Chevaliers’ code. Verita presses her lips lightly against him, a mere brush of her mouth whispering something elvish. He never would have pictured himself here, in Ferelden no less, hands gripping his thighs as an elf whispers her siren call straight to his heart.