#over a year lol that roommate isnt around anymore
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bdsmlmside · 3 years ago
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if my boyfriend happens to see this that would be great because i am Too Shy to tell him this to his face
yes very rarely i dip into subspace and i just want you to fuck me senseless and i know you aren't sure what to do because domming isn't something you're used to (which is ok!!!) but hopefully this helps
i love it when you're confident and controlling and when you wear your roommates platform boots my legs go numb and i feel even smaller than before and i want you to use your pitching strength to shove my neck into the mattress and order me around. i'm asking you to take your anger out on me. if you're having a hard time getting into it i have absolutely no problem being told to get myself off on your cock while you lay there and let me put on a show for you.
i would never force you to do anything you're uncomfortable with though and this is a rare occurrence so i don't want you to get too worried about doing it right or anything.
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whatevencomesnext · 3 years ago
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Oh mannn I completely forgot about Tumblr! This was all I was on when I was a teenager. Wow. I’ve been going and deleting all my social medias because I’m sick of them, I’m sick of the culture and the algorithms and how addictive they are. Something something cleaning up my digital footprint so I can actually get a job, but mostly I’ve just decided I don’t like social media anymore. I guess Tumblr is different, it's a lot easier to be anonymous imo. I don’t even know what this is. One last shout into the void.
I'm tired of social media and how unhappy it makes me, and so I've been thinking a lot about the role tech has in my life and the lives of people around me. The first ever art class I took that was more focused on technology, the prof told us right off the bat that we were basically cyborgs. Even if most of us don’t have like, brain implants or a third arm (like that crazy artist guy Kenneth told me about)
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But our tech is still more or less attached to us. I mean think about it, person who probably stumbled across this blog by accident, can you remember the last time you didn’t have your phone with you? Or near you? Or close enough to get easily? According to A Cyborg Manifesto by Donna Haraway, a cyborg is someone with both organic and cybernetic parts. A mix of the two. It seems really, like, sci-fi, but isnt it kinda true? And man, I don’t know how to deal with that. That prof told our class that aaaages ago and I still think about it, like especially over the pandemic. We’re way way more dependent on tech than we were even a few years ago and idk, it seems like I’m the only one under 40 that finds that unnatural? Like, we as a species figured out how to survive a million billion years or whatever just fine without smartphones and wifi everywhere. Why is it so essential to our lives now?
It totally freaks me out as well. I get ads on youtube related to stuff I mention out loud. I feel like I should be wearing a tinfoil hat when I say these kinds of things, but its something a lot of people know about AS A FACT- but just dont care. I just started watching an older show with my roommate and okay like I’ve never used facebook aside from uni class group chats but i logged on the other day bc i forgot my aunt’s birthday and like. Facebook was like hey! Wanna join a fan group for this show? :) It made me want to throw my laptop into the wall!!!!
And yeah, there’s a part of me that’s like, woah thats kind of an extreme reaction. But like!!!!! Don’t I have a right to privacy?? Can’t I talk about whatever stupid thing I want without worrying about who’s listening outside the room and selling this info to the corporate overlords at Meta???? I told my dad about that happening and he got creeped out, understandably, and then I told my brother and he was like “yeah? That’s how it is lol” And like!! I don’t know if im alone in this but thats not how it should be????
I’m gonna buy a flip phone and go live in the woods. Contacting my loved ones should not come at the price of being wiretapped.
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hunbomb · 5 years ago
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roommate! jaemin
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i hope u guys like this one! i do :) 
warning: not proofread LMAO
jaemin: a huge flirt
like we been knew sis okay bUt its not like it defines him ya kno??? like yes he is a flirt but its not like he does it purposely
however that doesn’t stop every single girl from liking him
except for u cause you’re ~not like other girls~
jk you are 
cause who wouldn’t find na jaemin attractive?? tf???
okay but like the dealio between you and jaemin is that you are best friends 
and you have a fat crush on him (u have since the beginning of highschool LOL)
luckily for you, although jaemin is a flirt, he isnt interested in any girls so he doesnt bring any to your dorm
and even if he did, he would tell u because it would be shitty not to 
anyway
so u met in grade nine and yalls friendship popped TF off right away like you joined nomins duo and made it a trio in the span of 4 months and everyone was like???? this mf got that close to them that fast???? mastery
jeno was like ur brother from another mother fr
you and him told eachother everything and sometimes he would tell you things he wouldnt even tell jaemin. like everyone has those people that although theyre close w, there are some things you’d never tell and that goes for jeno and jaemin
jaemin never told jeno he listens to taylor swift
and jeno never told jaemin that he watched all of my little pony friendship is magic on netflix
but since you and jeno shared some personal things w eachother, you obviously told him about your crush on jaemin
and since you had a crush on jaemin, you never got like super super close with him just cause ur feels got in the way 
mainly just you never got as close to jaemin as you did jeno
sure you were bffs, but it wasn’t on such an intimate level
cause everytime jaemin would look your way you’d be gasping for air
so timeskip to senior year
everything is great
your friendship is still strong af and you guys are all planning for post secondary
jaemin and you get into the same uni right.... and jeno gets into the one the town over so your friendship wont take that much damage
but!!! jaemin wants to room with you!!! and ur like!! fucufejdsk!!!
cause like ofc you want to who wouldnt????? but you have such a massisve crush on him you dont want it to get in the way of not only yours but also jaemins university experience
you say yes tho and next thing you know youre unpacking all your stuff
the dorm is kind of small like there isnt a lot of space,,,,, theres two bedrooms but the beds literally take out the whole room HAHHAHA and then there is a chill space with the kitchen connected and u and jaemin have to share a washroom LOL
“jaemin what the FUCK did you eat??? beans??? i bet it was beans this shit smells so bad i-”
“it really do be ya own friends sometimes” -jaemin 2020 :((((((
anyway so like university life is good you and jaemin invite jeno over every weekend for a sleepover and vice versa its so cute GAH
but like,,,, here’s where the drama comes in
one day you are facetiming jeno and youre telling him about how you really like jaemin and blah blah ya know the usual
and youre not really looking at the screen cause youre doing your homework and focusing on that but jeno sees in the back that jaemin has fully entered the room
and you dont notice cause hes silent and your still talking but jeno is trying to get your attention UDHSJIA
and when he does you see in your part of the screen jaemin just,,,, standing there
cue you ending the call with jeno SO FAST and turning around like oH i thought you had classes right now?
“.... they ended early”
“i see” ://////////
you like get up super fast and just walk around him and go into your roomm shutting the door 
poor jaemin is just like “what”
cause to be honest he never really considered this situation ever happening yah he thought you were prettier than most girls and he liked the way you were able to talk to people so easily but he never would have thought you harboured feelings for him
so he kind of just leaves it be cause he knows that you def dont want to talk about it and is willing to wait for you to be the one who brings it up
so time skip to dinner youre both just eating in silence but you dont like it,,,
“what i said was true” you say and jaemin looks up and he knows where this convo is going but he lets you speak
“i didnt ever plan on telling you because i really like our friendship but i guess i wasn’t careful enough”
your heart is beating hella fast but you try to look unbothered and its going pretty good until jaemin asks you something
“how long have you felt this way?”
OKAY like it shouldnt be a big deal to tell him bc you already exposed yourself but for some reason that question just hit you deep cause you realized that youve liked him for so long and he never felt the same ya know
“i dont know,,, since the start of highschool? when we became friends i always thought you were cute and it just turned into a full blown crush”
jaemin just sort of nods in response “oh okay”
so that night your just laying in your bed full of regrets
you know things are about to be super duper awkward between you and jaemin and you wish it didnt have to be like that
so over the next couple of weeks its more awkward than it has ever been before and the sleepovers with jeno seem so divided 
its either jeno and you or jeno and jaemin its never the three of you anymore :((((((
jaemin isn’t ignoring your feelings though, dont worry! hes just trying to sort his out
because your confession kind of opened his eyes
he doesnt want to force himself to like you but he cant help but admit that when he first heard you talking about your feelings a huge warmth spread through his chest and he may or may not have uncovered some feelings
these feelings were always there but he suppressed in grade nine cause he thought you’d never like him and you just wanted to stay friends
so he pushed them down and never thought about it again
but obviously that didnt happen because now youre on his mind 24/7 and he wishes that he could just talk to you but hes kind of nervous
so after taking advice from jeno he tries to talk to you more, like asking how your day went and starting up conversations
youre  kind of like “what u playing at son” but you leave it cause you know jaemin would never do you dirty like that
it stays this way for a while until one night theres a particularly bad thunderstorm and jaemin is scared of thunder
and so when youre just playing on your phone jaemin opens your door slightly and has this scared look on his face
and you know that jaemin is scared of thunder so you open your arms without any words being shared
a huge boom of thunder makes jaemin squeal and jump into your arms
and he gets comfy under the covers as youre holding him, no words shared between you two
he starts to feel much better and this sense of comfort washes over him like,,, youre his home
and as hes falling asleep he softly mutters
“im sorry it took me so long”
and youre just straight confused like what does that mean is he talking about his feelings or just the fact that yall havent had such an close encounter in a while 
the next morning you wake up and jaemins arms and you guys are facing eachother
and hes already awake so when you oepn your eyes you find him already looking at you
“thank you for last night, youre the best” he whispers and youre like all good fam i understand
but then he leans in closer and is like “i should have told you this so long ago, but i am in love with you”
your eyes widen and youre like wh AT the FUCJ your heart is beating at like 420 bpm and ur shooketh
he just smiles and pulls in you in closer and its just a super soft moment and no words have to be said
that night you guys are cuddling on the couch after dinner when jaemin just asks you be his gf
OF COURSE YOU SAY YES! you have been waiting for this moment for god knows how long
jeno is all like damn fina-fucking-ly i’ve been watching this romance play out for like 5 years! 
its super cute
its even better that you guys are roommates because youre already living together so you get to see eachother everyday
jaemins room as become a guest room for sorts as he now shares a bed with you
jenos happy af hes like YESSS I DONT NEED TO SLEEP WITH JAEMIN IN OUR SLEEPOVERS ANYMORE
jaemin: >:(((((( tf is that supposed to mean
you just laugh and youre like im not complaining hahaha and jaemins heart just stutters so bad 
he really does love you and he cant believe it took him so long to accept his feelings
and one night he tells you about how he pushed them down and youre like “exCUSE ME we could have been dating all this time u pussy”
sad jaemin :((((( 
anyway ya its so good its a win-win situation 
you get to room with the love of your life and its just magical there are so many soft moments between you two and just UGH relationship goals
i need me a jaemin
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piratemadi · 4 years ago
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I would like to hear the Silvermadi backstory please
i put it under the cut cuz it got long LMAOO
madi went to a state school in missouri for undergrad and then got into a masters program at yale. in late 2001, silver decides to leave new york city where he’s been living for the last few years in part bc theres a lot of hostility to him in this particular time in history in this particular city lol so he packs his bag and just starts wandering around. he isn’t originally going to stay in new haven for long bc he generally prefers big cities but he meets madi and he doesn’t have anywhere else to be so basically just week by week he considers leaving or staying and he has plenty of reasons for both but madi always seems to sway it towards staying. part of it is that he can’t really figure out how someone out of his league as madi to genuinely like him and he kind of knows that it wont happen again
madi is really enjoying her work and her classes but its also kind of fatiguing to be putting so much of her time and energy into such an elitist pwi as yale. and silver honestly starts as a fling for her but he’s such a comfort to her that soon they’re more or less exclusive. he’s also one of the most interesting people madi’s ever met like he has all these crazy stories and sometimes he just pulls out a new language she’s never heard him speak (”where the hell did you learn mandarin?” “oh, you know”) and somehow he always manages to surprise her when she asks him thoughtful questions. and she sees how he talks to other people, how he charms them (how nobody else is ever really surprised by him, because he tells them exactly what they want to hear from him), and it’s exciting for her that she seems to be the only person to know him
so pure circumstance throws them together, and theyre completely head over heels for each other within six months. by their one year anniversary (which like they dont really Have? because they never officially went official. but it’s in november, madi’s pretty sure) silver is actually starting to think in the long term w madi, which he has never done w anyone in his life. they move in together when madi’s lease w her roommate runs out, and it’s paradise, at first. (”you should teach me yoruba.” “teach you yoruba? why?” “so i can impress your dad when i meet him.” “it’s the 21st century, john, impressing my dad isn’t what relationships are about anymore.” “okay, fine, then teach it to me so i can teach it to our kids.” she teaches him yoruba. he picks it up stupid fast.) (even now, after everything, they still speak it to each other sometimes, and they do teach it to their kid.)
it’s coming up on the end of madi’s masters program in mid 2003, and silver is buzzing with all kinds of plans. he (rightfully) figures they’ll be out of new haven the second she has her degree, but he has these ideas for a life together, about seeing the country and then making a bunch of money and settling down for a white picket fence life. he doesn’t really seem to understand what she’s even doing at yale in the first place, and her work seems to factor only peripherally into his plans. madi keeps quiet at first even though she knows that silver’s imagining of their life together is nothing like hers, because she also knows that once she says something she wont be able to take it back, and all this is going to end.
and it does. silver walks it all back the second she tells him what kind of life she’s planning, but that isnt what she wants from him. she looks at him and she says “be honest with me. dont just tell me what i want to hear. Do you think that we want the same thing?” he looks her right in the eye and he lies to her. they break up that night.
when madi leaves new haven a few weeks later, it’s the prettiest summer silver’s ever seen. he hates it. madi, wistful and sad, sends him a postcard that says “look me up if you’re ever in town.” on the front, there’s a picture of the lake of the ozarks. so silver starts all over again. he puts all his things in the trunk of his shitty car and he heads to missouri in late summer.
when he finally reaches madi’s town, he cant bring himself, at first, to look her up. he looks for familiar, crowded places, but in this little town he can only find a couple dilapidated bars. still, silver’s good at this, so he ingratiates himself to the owner of danny’s bar and gets to know everyone who passes through. when he finally gets the nerve to go see madi, she seems happy. he tells her he misses her, that he wants her back, and she gets upset. she says the postcard was friendly, and nothing more, but if he can’t understand that, well, they shouldn’t even be friends. truthfully, she misses him, but that’s easier to bear when she’s home with all her old family and friends, and she assures herself she’s made the right decision as she watches him drive off.
so silver leaves, and finds himself at his new friend’s house on the edge of town. week by week, he considers leaving or staying, and he has plenty of reasons for both, but max always seems to sway it towards staying.
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yoongisidentaety-blog · 7 years ago
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ghost!yoongi
-ghost yoongi my hearteu
-so yoongi started out as a normal person
-”normal”
-he was a coffee barista and had his own coffee shop and everything
-he didn’t have a family but there was a cute cat in the building next to his
-and he also was good friends with the bookstore owner next door, taehyung
-that means he a single pringle ready to mingle *wink wink*
-his coffee and tea shop was a cute lil place with an apartment upstairs where he lived
-but one day he got robbed and the robber set the shop on fire
-yoongi was so dazed and tired bc he woke up from a nap and he tripped and fell into the fire
-rip yoongi
-he was probably in his twenties when he died
-in this au ghosts stay the same age when they die
-but a ghost can turn human again if it experiences a true love, given and returned
-wow we got some beauty and the beast stuff going on here
-but once they are human they begin to age normally again
-so about 50 or so years later
-the place where the coffee shop once was has been reconstructed and stuff
-now it is just a tea house
-with boba don’t forget the boba
-just saying boba is life so yeh
-and you and your best friend own the shop and run it by yourselves
-and yall live in the apartment upstairs
-no one informed you guys about the guy who died there like 50 years ago
-but yoongi isn’t a violent ghost or anything
-he was very lowkey when you moved in
-but when you did move in
-boy was he confused
-”whoA THERE'S HuMAnS”
-yoongi actually admired you and your friend
-he liked the decorations and the way that everything was laid out in your apartment
-he was really curious about what you sold in your tea house what a cutie
-”cOLD teA whAt in tHe wOrLD”
-he always kinda wanted to try boba too
-he’s a ghost so like he can’t eat or drink
-sorry yoongi
-anyways
-as time went on yoongi actually really started to admire you
-and he admired your friend too but
-his old friend taehyung next door who died like a few weeks after him already had a crush on your friend so
-cough
-yoongi liked the way you yelled when you got excited and he loved how you always put a smiley face next to everyone’s order at the tea house
-and he loved how passionate you were about your job
-yall love your tea and boba and coffee and stuff
-so in this au ghosts can physically show themselves when they feel strong emotions
-any strong emotions btw
-ghosts can also communicate with other humans when they are experiencing strong emotions and showing themselves too so go figure
-they can learn to control it eventually but it's rare to find a ghost that can vanish and disappear as they please
-so you have a piano in your apartment that you play all the time
-yoongi always loved playing the piano back when he was alive
-dang that sounds ominous
-”when he was alive”
-i get distracted easily sorry
-but yoongi always loves sitting on your piano bench and remembering all of the songs he used to play
-he can't physically play the piano anymore but you get the idea
-he also really likes your piano skills and stuff
-and your taste in music he loves your taste in music
-so anyway back to the story
-one day yoongi was sitting at the piano and was just minding his own business
-and you walk up to the piano and sit on the bench next to yoongi
-keep in mind that you cant see yoongi and you have no idea he exists (as a ghost or human lol)
-and poor yoongi got startled bc he didn’t see you next to him and he gets startled?
-he practically jumps off of the bench
-actually he falls off the bench but that's a minor detail
-and he physically shows himself
-because i mean he was scared so
-and then you freak out and he freaks out and your roommate freaks out from upstairs bc of all of the noise downstairs
-there's a lot of screaming and luckily the tea house isn't open because you would have scared all of the customers
-and then everyone’s screaming at each other
-”y/N YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND IS HE HURTING YOU OML I WILL FIGHT YOU IF YOU HURT-”
-”WHO ARE YOU GET OUT OF MY HOUSE HOW DID YOU GET HERE I WILL CALL THE POLICE YOU CREEP”
-”aHHH HUMAN INTERACTION IS BAD”
-a lotta mixed feelings there cough
-you keep screaming at yoongi and try to attack him and then your friend eventually figures out that he’s not your boyfriend
-and yoongi looks so scared and soft and startled and you realize that he looks kind of pale and ur just ???
-so then you stop trying to attack him
-and ur voice hurts so like lets just talk for now heh
-the conversation goes like this:
-”whO aRE YOu”
-’IM SORRY IM JUST A GHOST AND WHEN GHOSTS GET STARTLED AND STUFF THEY SHOW THEMSELVES AND STUFF AND I DIED HERE LIKE 50 YEARS AGO AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HAUNTING YOU OR ANYTHING IM SORRY”
-*palmface*
-and then ur just like oh there's a ghost in my house i mean it's just fiNE its not like i have a whole business downstairs and i can't move or anything lol everything's fine lmao
-*nervous laugh*
-eventually you and yoongi and your friend get used to each other
-yoongi explains the concept of ghosts and stuff too so none of yall are confused
-actually your friend ends up meeting the ghost next door too cough cough
-yoongi can’t verbally speak with you when he isnt showing himself but sometimes he can knock things over if he really tries
-sometimes you will be making ramen or something but when you stop paying attention to the water boiling on the stove yoongi will knock over a book or something to get your attention
-he doesn't want you to die in a fire so
-learning from our mistakes are we yoongi
-over time you and yoongi acknowledge each other almost on a daily basis
-and sometimes he shows himself but then again he can’t really control his habit of just disappearing and showing up
-you eventually figure out that he shows himself when he gets strong emotions
-every once in a while you will purposely turn on a horror movie or something and yoongi shows himself what a smol ball of fluff
-but then one day you realize that yoongi is showing himself a lot more than usual
-like he shows himself about twice a day
-little do you know that the emotions he feels when he shows himself daily comes from seeing you everyday hehe
-and whenever he shows himself you always smile at him and it just melts his heart
-dang im sounding real cheesy today
-but you always smile at yoongi or playfully push him or something like that bc,,,,,i mean,,,,he is cute after all right,,,,,
-you just can't get over how watchful and protective he is over you, and in the smallest ways
-cough
-and one day
-yoongi shows himself as usual
-you see him and smile but
-keep in mind that you're probably on a caffeine rush or something like yas boba
-you are in such a good mood that you reach over and like trap him in this big bear hug
-as stated before like yas go boba
-the boba you consumed beforehand has caused you to experience these feelings
-the boba gave you this adrenaline and happiness
-the boba starteD this physical contaCT
-ahem
-poor yoongi gets flustered and you begin to notice that he’s turning color?
-normally he looks kinda gray and pale
-but now he looks less gray and pale?
-he looks more human like?
-and then after a while you realize that he’s not vanishing???
-what is happening
-eventually he disappears but he was in physical form longer than usual?
-anyways you and yoongi begin to have a closer relationship
-”i think i'm going to move out yoongi but y/f/n is staying here and i’ll live next door with taehyung”
-”yah sure like you would leave me it should be the other way around”
-eventually your friend actually moves next door lol
-and you n yoongi become really close
-like really close
-you guys talk all the time and watch movies and stuff and yah
-and you realize like wow i would date yoongi if he wasn’t dead
-you guys are already practically dating anyway
-but one day ur just sitting on the couch and you fall asleep
-you had no idea that yoongi was sitting beside you so when you fall over to lie down on the couch he sees you on his lap and he’s just  ???
-*internal yoongi screaming*
-he gets up and just stares at your face
-yep just casually staring at your face no strange feelings here
-and he finds himself just placing a sweet lil kiss on your cheek
-and then he realizes that he was in phySICAL FORM and you feLT THE kiSs
-way to go yoongi
-like he’s just falling in love with you but he doesn’t want to fall in love with you but he likes falling in love with you?
-ya know what i’m saying
-and now he’s scared because you’re waking up and he has no idea how to vanish again so yep we’re all screwed
-you wake up and see yoongi all red faced and staring at you with wide eyes
-those big brown eyes bless
-you realize what happened and you smile bc he’s just sO cuTe
-you keep on smiling and you reach over and give him a little kiss on the cheek too
-get ready for the really cute and fluffy and squeal worthy part ok
-you and yoongi are maintaining eye contact but then you guys smile and both whisper a sweet little “saranghae”
-aT THE SAME TIME WOWOW
-i ship
-but then yoongi begins to glow
-like literally glowing he’s burning your eyes
-and then he begins to float?
-and at that point the light is so bright you can’t look at him
-when he stops glowing and floating and stuff
-he just stands and stares at his body in awe
-bc he’s humAN
-human
-he is human
-and he isn’t pale and he’s in physical form and he’s human
-cough
-and he’s just so happy and you’re just so happy
And you jump up and you guys just hug
-you know that situation when you’re just so happy and you’re hugging someone who makes you happy and you guys just stand in a hug for a really long time but its not awkward
-yah that’s what happens
-bc you guys know how ghosts work
-*flashback time*
-”a ghost can turn human again if it experiences a true love, given and returned”
-remember our beauty and the beast inspired standards
-but yes you and yoongi are just so thankful for each other and love each other
-and eventually you guys double date with the other ghost-to-human couple next door:)
-but then again maybe it ends differently
-this is your story isn’t it
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byunrelatable · 7 years ago
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ok on the ask game, 5 + 19 !! this is gonna get long bear with me oof. i’ve confessed to two people, one was a boy that i was once close with but he ignored me after we broke up :”) it’s fine he’s an ass anyway. but the second person is my current gf and holy uh this is actually kinda personal so i won’t go too in depth but we can say i did it bc it was too much not to anymore (pt 1/?)
.hi kam!! i love u thanks for the asks and thanks for sharing your story!! im really glad things worked out with you and your gf, sounds like you two have truly been through thick and thin together, you must have a very strong bond. that makes my heart feel very warm, im so happy for you!!
im going to put the rest of your asks, as well as my responses to the questions, under the cut so this doesnt become a super long post. to answer 5 and 19 in short, i will say that my answer to 5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? is yes, and its an embarrassing story, it also involves underage drinking so anyone uncomfy with that should not look under the cut!! and my answer to 19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted, i’ll probably keep that answer pretty short but true to my word, everything is going under the cut from here on out. thank you for sharing your story kam
send me two way asks!!
here’s the rest of kam’s asks:
we didn’t date then bc things were complicated (like i said, pERSONAL) and i,,,, did it a second time with her months later,,,,, i wouldn’t have if my friends didn’t push me to do it but they did annnddd we started dating then!! and haaaaa i uh,,,, did it once more at the end of feb this year,,,,,, bc we weren’t together at the time (this is also very personal so i could tell you abt the whole thing privately if you wanted) (pt 2/?)
in short i woke up and she asked me to be her gf again sOo, lol it’s all fun. aaannnddd here we go okay i literally just texted my gf as i write this oof but i think one of the fondest memories i have is both kinda negative but i view it positively? it was around the end of january in 2016 and we had been talking for a month or so. at the time i wasn’t in the best state of mind. (pt ¾)
i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have recollection of crying a lot at school waiting for my exam and just realizing how much i cared abt her and her about me and i think that marks the moment we became best friends rlly and damn who would even think to get to where we are now oof not me?? (pt 4/4 i went all out i’m sorryajsndnf)
what a story!!! like i said before, im really glad it all came together in the end, and that you have such a wonderful supportive gf
5. have you ever confessed your feelings to someone? yeah okay. from seventh grade until 11th i had a huge crush on this boy in my class. he was always doing crazy cool exchange programs. in 8th grade he went to school in coasta rica for a year, we e-mailed (lmao) all the time while he was gone. he came back in 9th grade and i was so so excited to see him again. he left again in 10th grade, and that was a hard year for me. my dad and step mom (who practically raised me) were getting divorced and i was going through some weird shit with an older guy (gross. he’s gross and predatory and i didnt know better cause i was like 15/16). so i started drinking and sneaking out and partying. 
the kid i had a crush on came back in 11th grade and i was ecstatic. we picked up our friendship where we left it off. but here’s the kicker: he was (and probably still is? but probably isnt as much of a hardass about it) a devout christian, and drinking was NOT in line with his values. he had heard from his mom that i had been doing stuff like that, and he brought it up and said he was concerned. i told him i’d stop, because i was young and i had had a crush on this kid for over four years at this point, and our mutual friend kept dropping hints that he was interested, and.. sigh. so i told him i’d cut the partying and he said he had to see it. fast forward to spring, i applied and got into a program which sends students to japan for two weeks, and this kid also got in, and i was STOKED to be in japan with him for two weeks. the first week it was fun. our last night in tokyo, i wanted to spend some time alone with him, and the rest of our friends were planning to buy some sake (we were literally 16 but they did it, they didnt get carded) and drink it at the hotel, and they wanted me to distract him cause they were worried he’d rat them out, and i was so down to try that because i wanted to spend time with him anyways. so i asked if he wanted to go on an adventure–just go get on a random subway line and see where it leads. he kinda blew me off, which stung. then in an effort to get him to hang out with me, i told him what the other kids were planning (they had specifically told me not to tell him). i told him, and said “so i really think we should just go somewhere else so we dont have to be around that.” he didnt listen to me, instead he followed the rest of the group into the convenience store and they were like uhhh, then he went up to my friend hannah and was like “so you’re buying sake huh?” and she looked at me like what the fuck arianna and i looked at her like im sorry i couldnt get him to come with me and he was like whatever and then he left the convenience store and our other friend jay went with him. i assumed they went back to the hotel. so i went back as well but they werent there. when i asked someone else where they were, they said “oh, they went out into the city on a random subway line just to go on an adventure!” the literal exact thing i had suggested. i was livid. moreso, i was really hurt. so i decided to say fuck it and get drunk, cause i had been abstaining from alcohol ALL YEAR for the sake of this ONE GUY who had really played me and led me on ALL FUCKING YEAR and lowkey for the past FOUR YEARS. so i was like, whatever. so i got drunk. then jay and the guy came back from their adventure. i asked my other drunk companions if i seemed sober (bad, bad idea. they were not good judges) they all said i seemed fine, so i went to give the kid a piece of my mind. get to his room and its just him cause his roommate had been with us in the drinking room. so i say, hey i need to talk to you. the first thing he asks is if i had drank, and i said no, like a liar with a big fat crush. then we sit down on opposite beds, and i told him i was really hurt that he rejected my offer to go on an adventure and immediately did the same thing with jay. he gave me a bs excuse like “it was kinda spontaneous” and i was like, thats bullshit. then i poured out my heart, about crushing on him for the last four years, about being a good friend when he dated hannahkate in seventh grade, about always waiting for him to come back, about working so hard to stop drinking just to be the person he wanted me to be. and i told him i loved him.
his response? “thank you for telling me.” and it shattered my heart.
when he walked me to the door of his room, he said “by the way. you were slurring the whole time, and your breath smells like alcohol. i knew you had drank from the start.” needless to say, THAT was embarrassing.
i go back to the room, drink more, eventually everyone leaves and its me and hannah. i tell her what happened, freak out a bit, cry.
the next day we woke up kinda early and went to this man-made island place i dont remember the name of, and we spent the day there. i was really quiet and reserved all day (not like me, then or now). i did not eat. when we got back to the hotel that night, hannah gave me a melon bread, and i said i wasnt hungry. she said “you havent eaten all day. if you dont eat this right now, im going to take your phone, delete [kid’s name] from all your contacts, delete every picture or video you have on your phone, erase him from your life. do you want that?” to which i said, no. and i ate the bread. it was tough love and i needed it. i was a little better the next day.
a few days later in kyoto the kid and i talked on a rooftop at sunset. i felt a little better after that. it was hard going through all of that, after four years of pining for him, but.. it was good. it was closure. i laid my cards on the table, i finally told him how i felt, and he rejected me. and it hurt, but there was nothing left to say, and it finally closed that door that had been slightly ajar for four years. and i was able to move on after that, fairly quickly actually. jumping back into partying cause i didnt have someone to impress kind of helped. well, it also kind of spun my life off in a horrible direction that led to a horrible depressing senior year of high school, but thats another story.
yeesh, that was long. on to the next one!!
19. share a positive memory about the last person you texted the most recent person i texted is my friend named nico. the first memory that comes to mind is last summer, we used to hang out a lot, one night we went to this 24 hour diner called beth’s cafe that we both love. we went at like 4 am and it was so so so fun. afterwards we watched emperors new groove in his bed and then passed out. i love nico so much. we used to be a lot closer in the summer, but at the end of summer i fucked up and we had a falling out. we still are friends and we still talk (i.e. we texted today planning to hang out this week) but.. its not the same. and i really miss the way things were before. golly isnt that bittersweet. now im a lil sad. but thats okay
thank you to anyone who read all that garbage uidsgfihjs
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hell-on-gallifrey · 4 years ago
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Man, i havent been on this account in so long lol
I feel like i only come here to vent about things, but i could be wrong. Honestly life the past 2 and half months has actually be okay outside of the dumbasses not following the guidelines for covid in public.  I have a friend who i met in oklahoma and we were best friends back then. We lived together and he was a good roommate at the time. Anyways i moved back home to mississippi because my family wanted me to, and after a while i met Kayla, and we’ve been together now for over 3 years. We’ve also been living together almost as long. After a while i noticed my friend from oklahoma wasnt apparent happy living with his family anymore so i offered to have him come stay with us. I’ll admit i was super excited for it at first. But things just werent the same once he did eventually move in with us. 
Financially me and kayla were able handle the apartment bills with ease but we figured having a third person paying part of it would help. Our only option here is comcast which yes i of course hate but its whatever. They have a dumbass data limit that i know is just there so they can charge people extra for going over. Before my friend moved in we barely used half our data each month. Now, we use all of it, plus 500gb more (the limit is 1tb). Our internet bill went from under $100 to almost double that. Of course our power bill also kinda spiked but its more managable than a $220 internet bill. 
On other topics, he isnt a clean person to live with. I say that and i admit that me and kayla are nowhere near having hte cleanest apartment ever. But our room’s carpet is almost the same as it was when we moved in. But his  has stains and i dont even know what else just soaked into the carpet and has ruined the carpet in his room. Not to mention anytime he eats from a fast food place he literally leaves the trash in his room until it builds up a lot. Every time i’ve seen him clean up his room it literally fills up like 4 or 5 trash bags. The bathroom toilet is also gross when he’s around because before he moved in our toilet rarely got dirty or needed much cleaning whatsoever. Once he moved in all of a sudden there was poop spots like literally ALL OVER THE FUCKING TOILET. Even on top of the tank. How does that even happen?!?!??!?!?! Lastly, whenever he does the dishes, his dishes feel greasy afterwards, like he cleaned the dirtiest dishes first that had all the grease on them then cleaned the lesser ones and just got grease all over the dishes. 
I have all these complaints but I’ve finally told him that me and kayla would rather go on by ourselves. My timing couldnt be worse because i’m always too scared to inconvenience others. He’s recently had 2 deaths in his family i think and both times he’s flown back to his home state to stay with them for a few weeks. This time i decided i would tell him that we didnt want him to come back. I should’ve told him sooner but of course i waited til practically the last minute (literally the day before he’s supposed to fly back). I’m sure if you’re reading this you’re probably like “good for you you deserve to be happy” but supposedly his family doesnt even want him to stay with them. So he’s stuck with family that doesnt wanna live with him and us who dont want him to come back. Even if we’re gonna be happier in the long run with this decision, kayla and i both feel bad about it. Its so fucked up that it seems like my life decisions that i wanna make to make me happy always seem to massively negatively affect someone else. 
On a side note i fucking hate living in the South and I really wanna move to the like the North East so any suggestions and any advice is welcome.
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Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
"Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
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I need dental insurance for my 5 year old son and maybe myself also. Doe's anyone know the best plan to go with? Thanks alot
LoJack on a motorcycle or comprehensive insurance?
I just bought a brand new bike and I live in Florida where bike theft is very big. I want to get some protection as soon as possible. Comprehensive insurance which would cover theft will run me about 730 per year with a 500 dollar deductible. The Lo Jack unit will cost me about 800 installed and it is a one time fee, no monthly payments and it lasts forever. The recovery rates on a bike with lojack are very good from what I've read, I just want to see what everyone thinks. These are the two options and please only answer if you have good knowledge of lojack and how well it works. The only problem is that it doesnt cover things such as damage during theft, storm damage, and things that the insurance would (Then again it still has that 500 or 1000 dollar deductible). An alarm would possibly be an option but I'm leaning towards the two I discussed above. Just let me know what you think because I dont want this bike leaving without me on it.""
Insurance on a car that you do not own yourself?
Im 17 years old. My grandma will buy me a car. But she doesn't want me on her insurance, so she said i had to wait til i was 18 til she would buy it. I was wondering if it's possible for my mom to put insurance on the car for me, if she's not that one that own's it. She can't on it for medicaid reasons. Thanks.""
What is the best Dental Insurance in California?
I live in orange county, ca. I need to see a dentist, and I will probably need major dental work. I was thinking of doing payment plans with my dentist, but someone suggested I pay for dental insurance, and pay the rest with a payment plan. I dont really know much about this, so what is the best dental insurance I can get? Like I said I need major dental work, close to 10,000 dollars.""
How can I fight to get more money out of my car insurance company?
We bought a 2011 Lancer on Dec 8th 2010. On Dec 27th 2010, we slid off the road in a blizzard, but the car was not damaged AT ALL. The car was parked and only had our pets and christmas gifts from the holidays. An idiot speeding in a snow storm made a b-line into our car. Both ours and their insurance determined the car totaled and the other driver was found at fault by his insurance company. We did have GAP coverage (which will NEVER happen again). The car was 19 days owned and we believe we should get MSRP for our car. Does anyone know if this is reasonable? I think we pay so much every month and therefore are entitled to be in the same position financially as we were before the accident. (Also, we had stuff : a rifle, our pets, their crate that got damaged. We were wondering if that and the out-of-pocket rental car expenses should be covered... seeing that it was in direct relation to the car accident, that was his fault.)""
Insurance for mercedes glk350?
I was wondering how much it would cost to insure a 2011 mercedes glk 350. I am looking to buy a new car
How much does THIRD PARTY CAR INSURANCE cost in New Zealeand?
How much does THIRD PARTY CAR INSURANCE cost in New Zealeand?
What kind of car insurance covers takeaway deliveries?
Hi, I am soon starting a (very) part-time job delivering chinese food one day a week, 5 hours. I have been trying to find out what sort of insurance I need for my car as I am only covered for SD&P. I got a quote for one company who insured for business use, but they wouldn't cover takeaway deliveries! And my current insurer doesn't do anything like it. I know that places like Domino's and Pizza Hut provide supplemental insurance for their drivers, but this place doesn't do anything of the sort and I don't want to get caught out, especially for something like this? Thanks :)""
Insurance for 17 year old?
i was just wondering the cost of insurance when i turn 17 next year. my parents are paying around 800 each car on there policy. so when i get added to there policy how much approximately will it cost me?
What is a good cheap dual sport motorcycle for starters?
im looking for a dual sport motorcycle 250cc. i need something that is cheap and easy to learn on, good on insurance (yes a dream bike) im turning 16 in august and cant wait to get my first bike. im partialy getting a dual sport because they are easy to learn on but because i live in canada and if im going to have a bik im not letting it sit in the garage for 6-7 months of the year. also if there are any good suggestions for good cheap gear (gloves helmet and jacket) im 16 5 ft 11 and about 180 lbs. im not looking for an extreme bike just something that can handle a some rain and snow and get me from home to school and work. for the bike i am not willing to go over $4000. right now i am considering yamaha xt250, suzuki dr200se (does anyone know if they make a 250? i couldnt seem to find one) yes i fully understand the dangers of riding thats why im only looking at 250cc cuz i dont plan on using highway but i still need a bike i can use for the test which has a highway portion. and are there any suggestions for good motorcycle schools? right now it seems the closest one is at durham college ( i live in pickering ontario)""
Where to get cheap full coverage car insurance in san mateo california?
Where to get cheap full coverage car insurance in san mateo california?
How much is good car insurance for a uk driver?
I am looking around at car insurance comparison websites, and I want to know if the quotes I'm getting back are reasonable. How much would a reasonable monthly insurance payment be for a UK driver with more than 15yrs experience? Also, how much would it be if you added a newly qualified driver as secondary driver to that. The car is a 2006 Ford Galaxy. I know it depends on the other extras etc, but I just want to get a rough idea of what would be a reasonable amount to expect for this, on average.""
Show car insurance for 99 mustang?
I have a 1999 Mustang show car and My insurance is really high. I have no tickets etc. I have been looking for some show car insurance so my dad does not have to pay soo munch. Most show car insurance say that you have to have it in an enclosed garage or something but I don't have room so it is in my drive way covered up.is is there any show car insurance or good insurance that is not so high??
What are the cheapest car insurances in CO?
For a 21 year old?
""What are the different kinds of car insurance, and how do they work?""
Im 15 and missed a drivers ed class. I know the collision insurance, thats pretty basic. Its pretty much all of the others that I'm confused about. The main things I need to know about is Liability Insurance. Thank you for all input!""
Does any one know about cheaper auto insurance for single parents at state Farm. ?
im 19 years old with a 2 year old, and a agent told me my quote is 250 a month for full coverage on a lease. FYI I only had my license for 3 months and in nj insurance is way high. he says state farm has a program for single parents, that is why its much cheaper for me......im not sure if it is a scam and will the state of nj charge me once they find out i am paying so little.""
Is it possible to put my dad under my insurance?
I just started a new job and in a few months ill be eligible for health insurance. I'm 19 my dad is 47 hes unemployed and not eligible for medicaid.
Can I buy a car without car insurance?
Hi, I am trying to purchase myself a Mazda, but after I checked the car insurance quote offered by RBC and other companies, things get ridiculous-the quote calculated my insurance to be more than 5000 per year-that's much more than my car! I am 19 years old and this is my first car. I just got my 5N license in Halifax. I didnt take the drivers course, so can I get my car without insurance? Or can you guys recommend a low-price insurance company? Thanks for helping!""
How much do you pay for a car insurance living in New York (brooklyn)?
Whats the cheapest way to get it? im 19 so my rate would be around 5 gran
Car insurance?
My car got stolen on friday night,i had my partner down as a named driver ,but i didnt relise he had 3 points on his license and i didnt tell the insurance company ,now they have asked for both license`s to be sent in, im the main policy holder would this affect the claim thanks any advise""
Should i tell my car insurance about some mods?
still on my 1st year driving and looking at a new car thats going to be a steal. Only thing is its got a few mods. its a 1.4 05 corsa with alloys, full leather seats, tinted rear windows and a performance exhaust fitted. when i shopped online and said it had NO mods it was like 950 insurance (im 24 so) and when i changed it to see what it was WITH the mods your talking like 1600 odds. Whats the advice on this one? i know i SHOULD tell them but does the exhaust really do anything to engine power? so should i bother telling them and just continue driving safe? of tell them incase someone drives into me lol points for best answer :)""
Who can get your insurance. how much does it cost.?
what is the age limit that can get your insurance. are there any limitations to getting this insurance.
Car insurance for married couple!?
Hey there! My wife and I both used to have our own car insurances until a few months ago when we decided to drop hers and add her to my policy to save some money. She got into an accident the other day; everyone's okay and it hasn't been determined who was at fault yet. I was wondering if this is going to affect MY driving record as well considering that we are sharing a car insurance policy? I realize that our premium might go up but I guess I want to know if the premium would go up even if we decided to get her off of this policy and find her a separate one with another insurance company. Do insurance companies look at which driver and which vehicle (we each have our own car) was involved in the accident or does it all just go by the policy number?
Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
""Im 18, how do I apply for car insurance?
my mom is a b**** and is dropping me from the family car insurance things and was like you have untill friday to get your own insurance I have absolutely no idea how this stuff works. and know that it will probably cost more because its for only 1 car. help!
Should Military Buy Private Insurance?
Bad press, including major mockery of the plan by comedian Jon Stewart, led to President Obama abandoning his proposal to require veterans carry private health insurance to cover the estimated $540 million annual cost to the federal government of treatment for injuries to military personnel received during their tours on active duty. The President admitted that he was puzzled by the magnitude of the opposition to his proposal. Look, it's an all volunteer force, Obama complained. Nobody made these guys go to war. They had to have known and accepted the risks. Now they whine about bearing the costs of their choice? It doesn't compute.. I thought these were people who were proud to sacrifice for their country, Obama continued I wasn't asking for blood, just money. With the country facing the worst financial crisis in its history, I'd have thought that the patriotic thing to do would be to try to help reduce the nation's deficit. I guess I underestimated the selfishness of some of my fellow Americans.""
Affordable Life Insurance?
i need help . which Life Insurance is the best one to buy
Which insurance companies are cover homes in High Brushes Areas in California?
which insurance companies are cover homes in High Brushes Areas in California beside Farmers and State Farm?
Insurance will go up for me?
My sister drove my car and was hit from behind. Her insurance is not under my policy. Will this affect my insurance premium? I just had a accident last month also (I hit something on the road which cost $6000 to repair and my insurance covered it without increasing my premium).
Could someone tell me what is needed to create a car insurance comparison website? Thanks?
Could someone tell me what is needed to create a car insurance comparison website? Which programs would i need to use and to create what part? Thanks for your time
Where can I find cheap car insurance for a 17 year old?
I have a provisional driving licence and am looking for car insurance!! any reccommendations? (please quote prices) What is the 'normal'/average price range?
Health insurance for over 65 yrs old immigrant?
Im looking for health insurance for my parents. Theyre both 65 yrs old and have health issues (although, they dont require immediate health care but just being prepared in case an ...show more""
Car insurance help :(?
would your insurance go up after you graduate high school?
HEALTH INSURANCE QUESTION?
IVE GOT A LOT OF FRIENDS WHO PUT NON-SMOKER ON THERE INSURANCE AND THEY DO SMOKE TOBBACCO, so my question is how do they get away with it. when you smoke and you go and get a physical and they do blood work dont the doctor see your a smoker and then he or she tells your insurance company that your smoking. HOW DO YOU GET AWAY WITH INSURANCE FRAUD LIKE THAT... i just cant understand how does this work they have done it for years they say that the doctor never tells on them. if someone will give mea ligitiame awnser on how they get away with this i will give you 5 stars i need explanations not short awnsers""
How to renew two wheeler insurance ? Can I purchase some other insurance ?
Hi All, I have two wheeler (TVS wego), and when I purchased it I had United India Insurance which is expired, I want to renew it. How do I renew it or can I buy some other insurance as other can be purchased online ? Is it acceptable by RTO ?""
Insurance on a golf 19 year old?
Well I've been using go compare. Initially going to go for 1l corsa 170 a month. I thought I'd have a look at a few golfs. I got a quote on a 1.9 sport tdi. It was only 80 more a month with the initial deposit of 600. Now money isnt the issue, the issue here is if I were to call the insurance company would I still get the matching quote, I have stated I'm 19 on go compare but I was quite confused how it wasnt too extortionate. Basically if that is what it states would I get insured on this golf? Cheers folks! Bit baffled""
""'96 Saturn Sedan SLI 4 door, Totaled, accident insurance offered $2700. buy back $530. fair?""
'96 Saturn Sedan SLI 4 door, Totaled, accident insurance offered $2700. buy back $530. fair?""
How much does it cost to replace an in-dash navigation system and does insurance cover it?
So here's the story. I was driving in my 2012 Honda Civic today and got angry and punched my navigation system (I know. It was unbelievably stupid. I know.) Anyway, the screen is shattered now, but the system still works. I called up a Honda dealer who said it would cost $3600 not including parts and labor. When I search online, the navigation systems seems to cost between $250 and $700. So what I want to know is, how much should I expect to pay to get this fixed. How long does it take? Will my insurance cover it? If my insurance covers it, will my rates change? Is the dealer the best way to get it fixed? I'm also under my warranty still, is there any way this is covered in my warranty?""
How much is car insurance for a new female independent driver in the UK?
I was just wondering how much it costs for a new female to get insurance on a car .. anyone have a ny ideas ... and is 1.1 L engine big enough for a new driver answers needed asap please !! xx
California auto insurance?
my daughter bought a used car and was told by the seller that he would keep his insurance on the car for a couple of weeks so she could find her own insurance. Well a couple of days later she was pulled over and when the cop asked for her insurance papers, they were not in the glove box. Now we can not fond the seller to get a copy of his insurance. Does anyone know how we can find out which insurance company insured the car? When you register your car does DMV write down your insurance information? I added her car to our policy the same day she got the ticket. Any help would be appreciated. The ticket amount is $1100.00! Thanks Gary""
Who has best affordable health insurance?
Looking for health and dental insurance for 1 + spouse in Texas.
How can I get medical insurance while unemployed?
Recently hospitalized and need further lifesaving testing, but hospital will not touch me unless I have insurance or insurance pending.""
Will I get a cheaper car insurance after this?
I never bought car insurance before and the cheapest I could find was 1566 for 6 months which is a lot compared to a lot of people I know. When I'm done with this policy, will I probably get a better priced policy when I apply? Im 19 and single, but Ive been driving for 2 years and never been in a crash. I was hoping military discount would be a lot more... $260 a month is not going to cut it.""
Work and Car insurance?
The business that I am employed by, is telling me that im required to put the business on my car insurance policy as an additional insured. Im kinda reluctant to do so, and im afraid to ask the reasons as to why the business would need to be on my policy. So my question is, what are some of the reasons they would need to be on the policy, and should i add them?""
Is the homeowners insurance higher in florida if you have a pool?
Is the homeowners insurance higher in florida if you have a pool?
Grad. Student needs health insurance?
I will be quitting my full-time job to attend Grad school full-time in May. Unfortunately I will lose my health insurance covered by my employer. I really cannot go with out health insurance. I need affordable coverage. Any suggestions?
How much to insure a classic bus?
i'm a mild bus enthusiast, and would quite like to buy a preserved vehicle. and i was wondering how much it would cost to insure the vehicle for pleasure purposes only, and how much it would cost to run. fuel figures and what not, tax and mot. also, what are the complications in being 17, like max people to carry and whatever. cheers ;)""
Can I get full coverage insurance for a salvage rebuilt title?
I want to know if there is the possibility of getting a full coverage insurance for a salveage rebuilt titled car? Well a friend was telling me that he thinks it's possible and ...show more
Do u HAVE to have insurance?
i rather pay out of pocket anyways than fool with insurance.
Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
Brooklyn New York Cheap car insurance quotes zip 11202
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/affordable-health-insurance-plans-arkansas-sophia-rhodes/"
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gendermesenpai-blog · 7 years ago
Text
6:40pm
itjeitjijeijtj
Just finished the new Contrapoints video finally. Really intense. Lots of deep introspective moments. I couldn’t help but compare similarities. Bawled my eyes out when she sang Three Times a Lady at the end. And then switched back into Time Warp and I was crylaughing.
It is a weird subject, the whole AGP thing. I am super glad she pointed out that it doesn’t really actually matter, like it’s kink-shamey yes but also deprives people of agency to say what reasons are ok to be trans and what reasons aren’t. I understood what she meant by saying that the phrase makes her and other trans women uncomfortable because it misrepresents them. I feel like maybe she was too defensive about it though? idk
The degree to which my gender identity is tied into my sexual identity, and the degree to which they overlap and intertwine with each other and are thus generally confusing, makes this difficult to explain. Leading up to my breakdown where I realized I wanted to transition I was watching a lot of feminization hypno videos. I feel ashamed about this and it’s dumb. I think it is partly leftover puritanical bullshit from my mom shaming me about watching porn when I was younger. But also it’s this AGP stigma shit where I’m supposed to be fucking like 100% chaste with no sex drive or I’m not REALTRANS™. 
(editors note: denial by hyperbole! the common alternative to 100% chastity isnt watching weird fetishy transmysognist shit on pornhub. AGP pseudobisexual gender communist confirmed)
But anyway when I watched those videos I definitely felt turned on at the thought of being a woman. Being a woman being fucked by a man. Sometimes videos would pop up in the related or suggested sidebar like “reverse feminization hypno” where it is supposed to turn you masculine again or something. None of this shit actually does anything lol. But every time I saw one of those thumbnails over there I remember being like “no I don’t want that” lmao. I stopped watching hypnos since around the time I began hormones in part because I felt guilty about it, like it was some kind of proof that I’m not actually trans. 
But at one point I was watching them like everyday. I would talk back to the video, it would say like horrible misogynist shit like “you love dick, you need it” or whatever and I would just be like “mm yes.” lmao. Sometimes between all the dick worship it would say shit like “you are not a man anymore, you are a girl now” and I would just be like oh god yes please. I am going to be unraveling all this shit for years. 
Like when I was younger I was like “oh I’m dominant with women and submissive with men.” But when did I ever actually pursue a girl in any kind of dominant way? They always came after me and I was just like oh ok.
(edit: well I guess I did try sometimes but I always felt like I was just fulfilling some sort of bizarre contract I had made with the world, like if I’m going to be alive in the world I am expected to pursue female romantic partners. This is not to say I didn’t want relationships with women or to imply I wanted relationships with men more, although I have never hooked up w anyone from online except guys, but just to say I never really wanted to be in the role of pursuing them and always resented that it was expected of me)
And I always ignored the fact I could often be submissive with women. I just refused to acknowledge I was even doing it lol. I was always like arching my back and moaning all weird and couldn’t control it at all. I loved being choked. A single finger anywhere near my ass had me practically drooling and incapable of concentrating on anything else. Let’s be real I was probably always bad at sex because I was pretending to be dom. Ok I’m gonna change the subject now wew *loosens tie*
Saw the therapist yesterday. We talked about a bunch of stuff. I said how the novelty of the treatment is starting to wear off and the reality is setting in. The wave of euphoria I was riding from coming out to myself is starting to settle. I talked about how scary the muscle loss is. Mentioned how it took me half an hour to get down to her office and it used to only take 15 minutes, that’s 50%. But I wasn’t being fair to myself because my knee is still swollen and it was extremely windy.
We talked about M for a bit and how annoying and reactionary he is. She reminded me that there are probably things I see in him that I don’t like about myself. This is kind of a basic observation about human social dynamics that I have known for a long time but tend to forget. We also talked about free will and how people end up being predisposed to certain behaviors or whatever and to what extent they are responsible or their parents or environment are responsible etc blah blah. 
I’m so tired of that debate. M is just a shithead and I don’t care if his parents sucked. I just bought weed off him today and it’s midsy ugh. But he ended up buying J’s car off him, my roommate’s car. Because he fucking wrecked the car he had just bought. It was totally his fault. So now my roommate has a bunch of his money and bike parts. Karma is real.
She asked me if I looked at the link she sent, I think it’s some kind of trans support group or meet up or something. I said I hadn’t looked at it and tried to explain my social anxiety problems and how it makes meeting people difficult even without the trans complication. But she pointed out that I don’t have to go anywhere or meet anyone to look at the link and I admitted that I’m actually avoiding trans groups because I still have internalized transphobia regarding nonpassing trans women.
I explained that part of why I realized I needed to transition was having a breakdown in reaction to HRT timelines, mostly (no, not mostly, literally 100%) passing trans women. I still look at those timelines and I still scroll past the women who don’t pass. I had to convince myself that I could maybe pass one day in order to start hormones. If I thought I would never pass I wouldn’t be doing this. I explained that this is why I haven’t changed the way I dress at all or started wearing makeup or styling my hair, because I know I won’t pass yet. This is all very sad and bigoted and it makes me feel like shit.
I mentioned seeing that Colin Mocherie from Who’s Line is it Anyway has a trans daughter who just came out and he’s been very accepting of her, even going as far as to do interviews together. I was so excited about this I went looking for the interview. I clicked on it and watched for a second. She doesn’t pass. She just looks like a boy wearing lipstick. I couldn’t watch the interview. I had to close it. At this point in recalling the story to my therapist I started crying. I was like “what the fuck is that.” She didn’t know either. But she just comforted me by reminding me that my upbringing was fucked and my parents were shit and all that. Idk if it really made me feel any better or not. I think I ended up just changing the subject to something else but I don’t remember what.
I wrote a song both yesterday and today. I am getting to the point where I don’t care about the lyrics anymore. I know the beats I’m making are good. And if writing lyrics for them is what’s keeping me cranking them out like this then that’s what I’m going to keep doing. And if all that comes of it is I end up selling beats as a producer and no one fucks with me as a rapper, that’s fine too, I get money either way. 
This is super long I’m gonna go watch SNL from last night. Work tomorrow yay. God damn this weekend fucking flew by.
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