#outside of my friends i think the last time an adult genuinely said they were proud of me was a vacuum store salesman 4yrs ago lmao

[cillianhead]

A New Pair of Glasses || Cillian Murphy x Reader

Part One! Part Two!

summary: When Y/N watches the Batman trilogy for the first time with her friends... she returns home to Cillian with a newfound sense of longing for a certain Dr. Jonathan Crane.

warnings: SMUT, DUBCON!, CNC themes!!!, unprotected P in V, oral sex (f and m receiving), analplay, FAKE DRUG USE! (Cillian gives reader a sugar pill and says it's a sedative (all consensual; reader is aware of the fact it's not a real sedative.)) minor alcohol use / drunk, age gap (reader is college age while Cillian is in his mid-to-late 40s), swearing, daddy kink, sir/doctor kink, breeding kink, praise kink, degradation, vulgar language, sort of a sugar daddy + sugar baby dynamic, slapping, roleplay, dacryphilia, edging, overstimulation, squirting, sex toys (dildo and vibrator), use of electric shocks for sexual pleasure (Cillian uses some sort of mild toy that zaps you), use of restraints, fake cheating scenario, sort of vague allusions that Cillian is gonna push her off a balcony but I'd like to stress the words VAGUE ALLUSIONS!! adult content ahead!!

LONG FIC ?!?!

(I wrote this while listening to Eat Your Young by Hozier :-))

18+ Minors DNI

"This your man?" Your friend Gabriel snickered as you all sat around eating popcorn and other various junk foods.

"Yeah... yeah..." You roll your eyes playfully before popping a few popcorn kernels into your mouth. You felt horribly flustered and hot despite the cold weather outside.

"Genuinely can't believe you've never seen these movies before," Your friend Mia, Sasha's girlfriend, remarks from the couch. The film was paused on a particular scene of Dr. Jonathan Crane with a gavel in hand. "Especially since your boyfriend is in it..." She said teasingly. "I can't believe he's your boyfriend!"

You just giggled and shyly smiled. You had binge-watched all the movies, and now you were on the last one. You couldn't express the emotions you were feeling right now. A deep carnal sensation was lighting you on fire within as they continued the scene. Though he was only in it for a short amount of time, you found yourself zoning out and fantasizing about Jonathan Crane and what it would be like to fuck him.

The movie ended, and by now, it was nearing midnight. You hadn't planned on staying the night at Sasha's, so you stood back up and collected your things. A driver was picking you up in about ten minutes, so you sat around with your three best friends and talked about your plans for the rest of the weekend and all that.

"What's your boyfriend up to?" Gabriel asked with a knowing smile on their face.

"Oh, he's gone to the pub to watch the footy with a couple of his buddies," You beamed. You couldn't explain it, but the idea of Cillian out and having fun with a couple of pints of Guinness in some little pub, having a blast, and laughing with his mates was unbelievably cute. It made you feel all blushy and dumb, the kind of dumb a schoolgirl would get at seeing her favorite charming teacher. "Not sure if he's home yet, and I haven't really wanted to bother him tonight. It's his first time seeing his friends in a while... since he and I are basically together all the time." You giggled, fiddling with the hem of your shorts.

"This is your first time seeing us in forever too!" Sasha squeeled with that laugh of hers, throwing a cushion at you.

"Ow, hey!" You pouted as you pretended to soothe your arm.

"You know it's true," Sasha sassed. "You two are joined at the hip... but we're not mad, we just miss you... but we're so happy for you and your sugar daddy- *cough* sorry, boyfriend." Sasha joked, and you all burst out laughing.

"He's not my sugar daddy..." You bit your lip, stifling the laughs ready to erupt from you. "I mean, like... he is... like that's how it first started, but he's more than that now..." You bit your tongue and rubbed your heel on the ground with a reclusive and cheeky smile. "I think I'm gonna marry him..." You grinned.

"Oh! You are not... we haven't even fucking met him!" Gabriel snapped, cackling. "Why can't we meet him?" "Oh, come on, I want you guys to meet him, and he wants to meet you... I'm just nervous..." You mused.

"What? Do you think he's gonna hate us?" Sasha asked while sipping her margarita that she bragged about being able to make herself.

"No... it's just..." You hesitated, looking down at your lap. "You guys are very different types of people. I think it's likely to clash in a strange and complicated way." Gabriel nodded their head understandingly. "Like you guys are gonna meet! But I just don't know exactly how... he's a very lowkey guy and likes quiet settings, whereas you guys... wanna go do something fun and exciting and a bit loud... and that's fine! I love both of those things... and Cillian's all weird and cute and awkward when he meets new people, especially in loud places..."

"Oh hush, we get it... we'll meet when the time is right," Sasha smiled. "As long as we meet before the wedding though, like-"

"Oh shit, my driver's here, I gotta go. He's been waiting for two minutes already..." You hurriedly got up and gave Gabriel and Sasha big hugs.

"Who are you with your private drivers?!" Sasha giggled before leaning on Gabriel with loving smirks.

"Bye!" You yelled before quickly rushing out the door with both your shopping bags from the day of shopping you had with your two mates.

You had met up for brunch, which turned into "a quick trip to the mall" to try on about fifteen different pairs of clothes in six other clothing stores. After that, you returned to Sasha and her girlfriend's place and hung out with the three of them for a while. Sasha's girlfriend was a massive nerd with posters of Evil Dead, Five Nights at Freddie's, Hatsune Miku, and many other fun, dorky things. It was when someone brought up Batman that Sasha's girlfriend, Mia, would begin to lose her mind. You both chatted about it, and she told you all about the different Batman villains and then subsequently mentioned The Scarecrow.

"That's Y/N's boyfriend!" Gabriel said as they took off their makeup in the mirror.

Sasha and Gabriel then had to explain to Mia that you were dating the actor who played the scarecrow in the Christopher Nolan Batman films. It was funny seeing Mia's reaction, and you talked a bit more until you mentioned that you hadn't seen them, and then they all decided on a movie night.

And now you sat in the back seat of a black car, leaning your head against the window. You were excited to see Cillian again. You had missed him all day. The streets were busy, full of people coming out of pubs. Everyone was watching the footy today, so it made sense that it was more crowded than usual. As you slowly pushed through traffic, you closed your eyes and fell asleep to the sound of the busy streets and passing cars.

A few hours had passed and everything was quiet now.

"Y/N, honey, you're home," The driver gently shook you awake. "Time to wake up, sleepyhead." You smiled with your eyes closed at the older man and slowly slipped out of the car with your things.

"Thanks for waking me up, Jim," You said kindly. "Has Cillian already paid you for tonight?" "Yes, with a hefty tip as always," Jim croaked happily as he made his way back to the driver's seat. "You have a good night, Miss. Y/N."

"Thank you, drive safely, please!" You yelled as you unlocked the door to your shared home with Cillian. All the lights were off so you figured Cillian hadn't made it home yet.

You sighed and set down all your bags once you entered your bedroom. You got changed into one of Cillian's shirts and a pair of comfy sleep shorts and slipped your headphones on. You stood out on the balcony with a slight smile on your moonlit face. A cup of chamomile was cradled in your hands as you listened to soft music and waited for your beloved boyfriend to get home.

You couldn't stop thinking about him, though. Jonathan Crane had ravaged your mind. Just the thought of him made you squeeze a little. How he looked and acted, it was like every cell in your body was lit on fire with desire for the fictional character. Of course, the main reason you found him so sexy was because it was Cillian. But that was well over a decade ago now, and Cillian had aged beautifully since then. The thought of an older 'dilfier' version of Crane made you weak in the knees.

Your thoughts were quickly interrupted by a familiar arm snaking its way around your waist and a loving kiss placed on your shoulder.

"Hey, darling," Cillian whispered as you pulled your headphones off. He held you in his arms and swayed you slowly. You could smell the alcohol on his breath, and you grinned, knowing he was probably a bit buzzed. "Missed you while I was out." "Mmm, yeah?" You hum, setting your tea down on the small glass table beside you before wrapping your arms around his neck and swaying with him softly. "How much?"

"So much," He slurred, pushing his face into your neck and groaning at your sweet smell. "Fuckin' thought about you all night long, even when me' team won." "Your team won?!" You exclaimed gleefully. "That's great, Cillian!" "Yeah, yeah," He shook his head with a blush on his face. "They won by a landslide." He was so cute when he blushed. "Oh, my lovely boy," You praised sweetly and leaned in, kissing him deeply. Cillian moaned into the kiss as his hands slid down to rest on your ass., giving it a loving squeeze. "I've been waitin' for you, Daddy." You whispered with a string of spit tying your lips together.

He snarled a bit at the nickname. "Oh yeah, baby?" He huffed with a one-sided grin. A smug look on his face as the dynamic immediately changed, and he pressed your back against the wooden railing with a sadistic smirk. "What you've been waitin' for?" He whispered gravelly in your ear, his hips pressed into yours to make you feel his hard dick through his trousers.

"I..." You trembled, mouth helplessly falling open with shyness.

"Was it my cock?" He hummed, fingers sliding up from your arm to grip your quivering jaw heavily. He slapped you across the face, but not enough to bruise, just to leave a constant sting. You whined, and another slap was given. "Tell me... baby... I know you can feel how fuckin' hard I am right now, so tell me all about how you're cunt is drippin' f'me." He grunted, letting go of your jaw and lining his hips up with yours with his palms roughly grappling at your ass to pull your barely-clothed pussy right against his fucking hard cock.

"Daddy..." You whispered breathlessly and helplessly. The way he was pushing you back against the balcony caused you to lean over the edge ever so slightly. It was frightening. You knew Jonathan- *I mean* Cillian would never push you off the balcony. But the thrill was enticing as he looked at you hungrily.

"Don't be coy with me now, little girl," Cillian smiled a toothy and mischievous grin. "I remember all the times you've had the mouth of a pornstar, spewing dirty t'ings for yer daddy," He pressed his nose into your neck, cupping the back of your head as he leaned you against the balcony.

"Please fuck me...." You gasped, grinding yourself on his erection. He groaned and grabbed you harder, this time away from the balcony and back inside. You were gripping his shirt feverishly, trying not to fall over. He pushed you down onto the bed with a grunt and kicked his socks and shoes off before undoing his belt and ripping off his top layers. "Oh, daddy..." You whispered, spreading your legs open as you pulled your shorts down and your thong with it. Cillian leaned down, grabbed your black thong, and raised it to his nose and mouth, smelling it like a feral dog.

"Fuckin' hell," He exhaled before dropping to his knees before you, at eye level with your wet pussy. "I'm so hungry..." He nipped your inner thighs, slowly lowering closer to your heat.

"Please... eat me... Daddy, oh my god," You mewled as you raised your pussy to his drooling mouth and tongue. "Fuck, oh!" You exclaimed as you arched your back, digging your fingers into his hair and pressing his face into your cunt. He ate you up like a cornucopia of fruit and slurped you up with his tongue.

"S'good," Cillian groaned, muffled by your cunt in his mouth. Your arousal and his spit dribbling down his pretty chin, his eyes looking desperately up at you, as you rest back on your arms and cry with euphoria.

"Oh... Cill.... oh... daddy..." You moaned, hair spread across your face and mouth. You were too lost in the pleasure. Slowly rutting your pussy into his face, head lolling from side to side with the dizziness of your impending orgasm. "Gonna cum... baby... gonna cum..."

"Give it t'me," Cillian grunted, eyes fluttering shut as he focused his tongue particularly on your throbbing clit; occasionally slipping it down to lap at your soaking cunt. His nose was pressed into your mound, hardly breathing, too focused on the sweet euphoria of eating your pussy. In his usually busy and complicated mind, his brain had now gone radio silent, and it was exactly like he was high. You were a drug to him. You came undone, gushing into his awaiting mouth.

Your eyes rolled back into your brain, loud mewls as you fell back onto your shoulders and gripped at the sheets. You were near to tears with how good he ate you out. As he lapped up your sweet cum, you writhed, squeezing your thighs around his head and fingers tugging painfully hard on the roots of his hair.

"Okay, Cillian..." You exasperated, panting heavily. "That's enough." He pulled away like a slobbering dog, cum and saliva making a string of spit on his chin and your sopping cunt.

"Fuck me, baby..." He whispered, pupils blown wide like he had taken ecstasy. "You taste so good..." He hummed as he crawled up to you and kissed you hard, tasting yourself on his stroking tongue. His cock was out by now, painfully hard and ready to be stuck in your cunt. "Please let me fuck you now..." He said breathily against your lips. "Please..."

"Daddy... please... need you inside me," You bit your lip as the tip of his cock nudged your clit. "Don't tease me..."

"Course not, darlin'," He mumbled deeply, right by your ear as he slung one of your legs over his shoulder and the other around his waist. "Why would I tease my darling girl?" He pressed himself fully into you, making you go cross-eyed.

"Ooohh..." You mewled softly. The air had been knocked out of your lungs. It felt like you would explode in the most beautiful way possible. His cock was snug against your cervix, every ridge of him pressing against your hot and wet walls. You shut your eyes, shaking as he began pulling out of you slowly before jutting back into you.

"Best fuckin' pussy," He growled, picking up the pace of his thrusts. "Best one I've had..."

"You're mine," You gasped out, drunk on his cock already. You reached out and grabbed him by the throat, pulling him into a teeth-clashing kiss. "All mine, daddy." You pressed your heel into his lower back as you pulled away from the kiss to look at his face above yours. You looked up at him with your dizzy eyes and lips spilling out drool, desperate to hear him say the words you had on your mind.

"I'm all yours, Y/N," He panted, fucking you roughly and desperately. You went at it like rabbits, desperate to be bred. "I'm yours... forever..." He connected his soft lips to yours and made you fall in love all over again as you made out. He was still a bit drunk, and he usually came a bit quickly when he was but you didn't mind.

"You gonna cum in me?" You moaned, rocking your hips against his. His hands slid up and cradled you by your ribcage as he manhandled you to seamlessly get speared by his cock.

"Y-Yeah, course," He panted, eyes glued to the sight of his cock disappearing in and out of you. "Fuck, I'm gonna cum..." "That's it, Daddy," You moaned, reaching up and pulling on his hair as you kissed him. His cum instantly squirted into you as you squeezed around him and danced your tongue against his. "Fuck, feels so good... fill me up..." You mewled, pressing yourself against him as your orgasm washed over you too.

Cillian was silent, face pressed into the side of your cheek with his mouth agape in quiet moans, his veins popping out of his forehead. "Oh baby girl, oh fuck..." He whispered, all whiny, into your ear. He still pathetically rutted his hips into you, filling you with as much cum as possible.

Drool fell down your chin as you convulsed in his arms. He quickly pulled off of you, not wanting to become overstimulated, and you still lay there, writhing a bit as your orgasm slowly dissipated. Cillian pressed a flush kiss to your warm cheek, laying on his side and wrapping you up in his big arms.

"You did so good for me, baby," Cillian whispered sweetly as you blinked slowly at him. "Such a good girl, knows how to take cock so well," He smiled at you knowingly, brushing your hair with his fingers.

"Cillian..." You hummed with a sleepy smile. "Get me some underwear please... don't want to lose any of your cum..."

Cillian smirked, quickly getting up and rushing to your drawer where you kept all your panties and other lingerie items. He picked out a baby pink pair of panties and brought them over to you, sliding it slowly up your legs and getting a glimpse of your creamy pussy.

"How pretty, a little bow..." He chuckled, fiddling with the white bow at the top of your underwear. Cillian crawled into your shared bed with you. He pulled you into his arms, and you lay there with happy smiles, getting warm from the covers. You lie in comfortable silence for a while, nuzzling your heads together and cherishing the feeling of having your bodies together again. It felt healing. It truly felt like you had found your other half. You knew you had.

"Do you need a glass of water or anything?" Cillian asks with that lovely Irish accent of his.

"No, it's okay, just need you to hold me, Cill... I'm tired," You whispered with a smile, thumb brushing his cheekbone. "I need your arms around me to feel sane..." "Such a poet," Cillian snickered, kissing your forehead and pulling you closer. "What'd you get up to today, sweet t'ing?" He asked, running his fingertips gently up and down your back. It was almost ticklish.

"Well, the brunch was really nice with Sasha and Gabby," You recalled softly, fingers fiddling with the chain around his neck. "Then Sasha wanted to go get something from the mall.... so we went to the mall, and I did some shopping too... while I was there."

"Oooo... shopping? Tell me whatcha got, love." Cillian cooed excitedly, wriggling with anticipation. Cillian had given you a credit card with a pretty high limit, paid by his money. He was pretty much entirely financially supporting you. You felt terrible at first, but you realized quickly that he got off on the idea of you spoiling yourself with his money. So you'd treat yourself to nice things while treating him to very nice things simultaneously. Pretty much every shopping trip, you'd buy something sexy for Cillian to rip off of you. "Did ya get me anythin'?" "Mhm," You whispered, poking his chest knowingly. "Can I see it?" He asked with a raised brow.

"Nope, not until tomorrow..." You smirked, pecking him on the lips. "I want to keep you on your toes."

"Alright, woman, whatever you please... just as long as I see ya in it..." Cillian chuckled, nudging your nose with his. He enjoyed it when you showed off what you bought, especially the clothes. He'd make you do a little fashion show in his living room. "What else did ya do?" "Oh, then we went back to Sasha's place..." You trailed off for a moment, trying to recall everything that happened. "Had a bit of dinner... then we just watched some movies." You smiled while Jonathan Crane's face flashed inside your head.

"What movies did you watch?" He asked curiously, fingers twirling your hair around it. He could see you were quickly becoming flustered but he wasn't quite sure why. "What? What is it? What did you watch?" He laughed.

"We watched... we watched..." You giggled, leaning in and pressing your face into his chest. "The Batman movies..." You snickered, rolling around and laughing wildly. Cillian had a stunned and amused look on his face as he watched you wriggle around and laugh your lungs out.

"The ones I'm in, ya mean?" He asked, chuckling a bit with a red face. He was worried you were laughing at him. "Y-Yes!" You said with a loud laugh. You were laughing because of how fucking sexually attracted you are to him as Jonathan Crane. There was something so sexy about him as this cunning, tricky little Batman villain. "Oh my god..." "I didn't think I did too bad in those films..." He whispered bashfully, looking down at his lap a bit self-consciously. "Did yer friends also think it was silly?" Your laughing quickly dissipated as you realized Cillian had taken your laughing the wrong way. You quickly sat up and scooted closer to him with wide eyes. "No, no, no... I'm not... I'm not laughing at it... Cillian... you were brilliant... they're fuckin' brilliant films... it's just..." You trailed off, biting your lip as you giggled a bit more thinking about Jonathan Crane.

"It's just what?" He asked, still with a disappointed and sad look in his eyes.

"You were so...." You whispered, pressing your face into his chest and laughing into his warm skin. "He's so hot!" You blurted out.

"What?" He laughed, thinking you're talking about Christian Bale.

"Cillian," You sat up, looking him directly into his eyes, and he could tell you were seriously about to say to him how sexually attracted you were to Batman. "You as the scarecrow... as Dr. Jonathan Crane... fuuuuuccckk..." You rolled your eyes back into your head, teeth tightly clenching down on your bottom lip.

"O-Oh!" Cillian smiled, face growing red for many different reasons and eyes lighting up. "You really thought so?"

"Cillian, I want to fuck him so bad," You gasped, pressing your nose into his face.

"It's funny how yer referring to me as him," He laughed, wrapping you up in his arms. You were both more in a sitting position now, looking at each other's grinning faces.

"No, like... obviously... it's you... and that's mainly why I find Jonathan so sexy... but just the way... you played the character... he's so fucking convincing and so attractive... like... I want him."

Cillian raised a brow before kissing you softly. "Well, y'have me..."

"I know, baby... I don't want anyone else but you," You reassured sweetly. "Just think the characters you play... are so handsome... want them all to fuck me..."

Cillian blushed, kissing you again, this time a little longer and sloppier. Eventually, after you two managed to pull off each other, you brushed your teeth side by side, and Cillian watched you wash your face and moisturize. You'd then turn to him and ask to put some on him, and he would hesitantly let you, all while pretending to not enjoy the attention.

Falling asleep was easy in Cillian's arms. Ever since you met him, every night without him was sleepless. There was just nothing quite like having him hold you. You had passed out, unbeknownst to Cillian, reaching his arm out for his phone and quickly ordering some things online and then lying back down with you again to sleep with a smug smirk on his face.

In the late morning, you two woke up around the same time. Cillian woke up only a few minutes before you did. He watched you beautifully sleep.

"Good mornin'," He grumbled with that morning voice of his. "How'd you sleep, sleeping beauty?"

"Oh, hush," You shook your head, covering your face as you rubbed your eyes. "I feel like I look like an ogre," You laughed, sitting up a bit. "I slept amazing... as usual... how about you, my lovely man?" You reached out, stroking along his stubbled jaw.

"Perfectly fine," He nodded, sitting up with you, sheets barely covering his naked manhood. Your hands slipped the sheets from his pelvis to reveal his morning wood. "Mmm... didn't say you could do that..." He smirked, eyes watching as you lowered your face down to kiss his hard cock.

"Love you so much, just wanna make you feel good..." You mumbled as you fit the tip in your mouth. You wrapped your fingers around the base as you sucked on his leaky tip.

"Fuckin' hell," Cillian sighed, throwing his head back as you teased him. And then you fully sank your mouth down on his cock until his thick head was prodding at the back of your throat. "That's it, love... I love you so much... you're so fuckin' good to me."

You hummed around his cock as he lazily lay there and enjoyed the feeling of your mouth on him. You slowly sucked him to the brink of cumming, popping off of him right before the climax.

"Why'd you stop?" He whined, reaching to grab a hold of his cock, but you quickly swatted his hand away. "Hey!"

"You're not allowed to cum," You stated simply, not elaborating any further.

"What? Why?" He laughed incredulously. He kept trying to reach for his erection, but you smacked his hand away every time.

"You're just not," You looked at him stubbornly. "Not until later. I want to show you something really cute and slutty I got for you yesterday... and I want you to be absolutely desperate..." Cillian groaned out of frustration. "Fine, if that's what it takes to make my girl happy," He reached a hand up and stroked your hair affectionately, yet with a sense of irritation.

"And don't even think about trying anything in our shower," You murmured as you both got up and wandered into your shower. "You can't get yourself off."

"So goddamn bossy," Cillian grumbled teasingly as you turned on the hot shower, and both stood underneath it. Cillian was in agony with his throbbing cock. And it didn't help that you stood right against one another. The hot water and your ass pressing against him was nearly enough to make him burst without even doing anything. You knew what you were doing to him.

The shower was long and tiring, and eventually, Cillian's dick softened on its own, but that didn't deny the sexual frustration within him. Cillian made the two of you breakfast, and you ate with a smug smirk on your face.

"Gotta run some errands today, love," Cillian hummed while chewing his scrambled eggs. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Oh, can I come with?" You asked with your head perked up.

"Actually, could you stay home?" He asked while cutting his food to take another bite. "I have an important package coming later that needs to be signed for... plus it's just boring stuff anyway, just some meetings and all that stuff you don't care about."

"Oh, okay! That's alright," You smiled, your plate now cleared. "I'll stay here."

Cillian got ready while you sat on the lounge, watching your favorite show. Cillian hurriedly walked into the living room and sat down beside you. You paused the TV and looked at him with a sad smile.

"I'm gonna miss you while you're out," You whispered, kissing him softly on the cheek. "You not shaving?" You hummed when you noticed he still had some stubble lining his jaw.

"I know, baby love," He murmured, his hand caressing your thigh. "Nah, I think I'm gonna grow out my beard a lil'... I'm gonna be gone for a little while... probably won't be back until this evening..."

"Oh..." You frowned, pouting at him as he placed his hands on either side of your face.

"Don't worry," He whispered, pecking you softly on your pouty lips. "You've got a gift comin' today," He hummed, and you raised your eyebrows curiously. "It's a little treat from me. You can go on and open it without me. I know how impatient you can get..."

"Really?" You said ecstatically. "Thank you, Cillian... I'm sure I'm gonna love it." You reached out and wrapped your arms tightly around him.

"Oh, you will," He whispered into your ear. "You're gonna really fuckin' like it."

You and Cillian shared one last loving kiss as you walked him to the door. You watched him go with a longing sigh before turning around and wondering what you were gonna do for the day. Cillian never specified when your gift was showing up.

For a while, you bundled up on the couch and watched some more TV, but eventually, you grew restless and wandered into your bedroom and tried on your new set of lacy white lingerie. You look angelic in the most sinful way possible. You planned on acting all submissive and obedient for Cillian tonight, and you wanted to look everything pure and innocent for your daddy. The lace and tight straps hugged you beautifully and exemplified your curves. The back of it was just one thin G-string sitting between your ass... And, of course, two baby pink bows strapped on either side of your hips. Not to be despite the thin lace front where you could easily see your pretty wet pussy through.

The top piece of the set was a small white corset laced up with bows and soft, sweet velvet. The busk straps on either side of your darling shoulders were adorned with cute patterned lace and tiny little bows... and made your tits look fucking amazing. Oh, you were adorable and simply undeniably fuckable-looking. His cock would look at you before even his eyes had, and before he knew it, his cocks got a brain, and it's leading him straight to you.

A soft garter belt attached to the tops of your translucently cotton stockings that went up to your thighs. Everything was perfect and handmade and expensive. So you decided to just keep it on and surprise him like this when he gets home. While you pranced around the living room, sipping your freshly made tea. A sweet milky early grey, soothing your inner qualms and exciting you even more at the thought of Cillian coming home.

It was around 2 PM now, and you figured Cillian wouldn't be home for another couple of hours, so the distinct sound of Cillian's car coming up the driveway made you frown. What happened? You were worried something terrible happened and didn't bother putting any clothes on since you knew it was just Cillian. A knock at the door made you frown and pause in your footsteps.

"Delivery!" Cillian yelled with an American accent. You giggled, thinking it was just him messing around, and so you quickly unlocked the door to the most shocking sight.

Cillian stood there in a nice slimming suit, the same kind that Jonathan Crane wore. And the sight of his hair styled how it was in Batman, and the classic glasses and briefcase clutched in hand, you felt like you were going to pass out.

"My... what a skimpy little outfit you've got on, sweetheart," He grumbled, lifting up a tiny little teal-colored Tiffany&Co gift bag with a little note that said 'From Cillian, xxx' and you realized that was his gift. "Ran into your cute boyfriend... by the way."

"What do you mean, Cillian?" You whispered, taking tiny steps back as he walked slowly and creepily towards you until your back hit the wall.

"I know we may look similar..." He whispered, grabbing you roughly by your chin. "But I think you know exactly who I am," He said raspily into your ear. His American accent sends you into overdrive. "Cillian... huh... well, he's not here right now, Ms. Y/N." He growled, grabbing ahold of one of your tits through your lingerie.

"Wh-Wha..." You couldn't comprehend what was happening. Cillian was doing such a convincing act at being Jonathan Crane it made you forget it was actually him.

Jonathan grabbed a hold of you, and you hit and squealed as he threw you over his shoulders. Fuck, he was so strong. He placed a harsh smack on your ass and shoved you roughly down onto the bed so you were looking up at him. His hair is a bit messed up now, and his glasses sitting lowly on his nose. It really was him, you had convinced yourself. It's Jonathan Crane.

"Too bad your little boyfriend's not gonna see what I'm gonna do to you," He growled as he tugged a bit on your underwear, pulling you into a sitting position. "Let's say... Cillian and I had a little deal, and this was my end... of the bargain per se.... think I know a better way to treat this sickness of yours..."

"Where is Cillian...?" You asked with quivering lips. He stood with two legs slotted in between your bare ones. He was even wearing a different cologne, and you noticed he had shaved to look younger.

"Oh baby, you don't wanna know," He smirked, briefly brushing your cheek before placing his black briefcase beside you on the bed. "Your boyfriend mentioned some concerns about your well-being, so he sent me here to check on you..." Jonathan had a smug smirk on his face as he unlocked his briefcase, pulling out a small packet of pills. "Now, I'm here to make you feel better..." He popped out a pill and placed it in the palm of his hand. "Open wide, princess..." He mused.

"Wha-What is it?" As you hesitantly opened your mouth and let him place the small white pill right on your tongue. He leaned down and had his mouth right next to your ear.

"Just a sugar pill," Cillian whispered in his Irish accent again. "Pretend it's a sedative... you can always say the safe word at any time, angel. I love you." He placed a kiss against your cheek before pulling away with that cold demeanor of Jonathan Crane again. You dry swallowed the pill. "That's a good girl," He hummed, shutting his briefcase. You caught a glimpse of a rather large dildo and a few other sex toys. "You'll feel real good in about ten minutes. Now I want you to get nice and spread out for me so I can fuck you."

You scrambled back up onto the bed and spread your legs wide open with trembling lips. "But... I have a boyfriend... you're not my boyfriend..."

"No, sweetie," He shook his head, chuckling as he kicked off his shoes and undid his coat. "But your stupid boyfriend doesn't have to know a thing about what happens tonight."

"N-No..." You shut your legs and quickly got out of the bed to run.

"Oh no, you fucking don't," He barked, grabbing you by your ankle and pulling you back towards him like you were just a sack of meat. "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tie you to the bed if you're even gonna think about trying to get away from me."

"Jonatha-"

"Doctor or sir to you, bitch," He slapped you harshly across the face and pulled out ankle and wrist restraints. "Get in position, don't make me force you."

"Yes, sir..." You said with your eyes down and crawling up the bed to be in a position where you could be tied up. Jonathan firmly put the cuffs on your ankles and your wrists, chaining you to the bed frame from both sides. "Please don't hurt me..."

"Please don't hurt me," He mocked in a high-pitched voice. "I'm gonna do whatever I please to you." He hissed, pulling your ass into his clothed cunt. "How cute you wore this for your boyfriend... so pathetic." "He... He likes them..."

"Oh, I'm sure he does," He cackled his menacing laugh. "Too bad he's never gonna see you in it. Think I'm gonna have to keep you for myself." "What do you mean?" You whimpered, pulling a bit at your restraints.

"It's just gonna be me and you for now, baby... your boyfriend's not comin' back... what a shame..." He unbuckled his belt and let his pants fall to the floor. You tried your best to pull away from him as he crawled on top of you but you couldn't go very far with your limited mobility.

"Fuck... I think... I think the medicine is kicking in..." You whined as you felt Jonathan pull down your panties but kept everything else in place. He wanted to fuck you with your cute skimpy lingerie on. Cillian had truly put himself in the mindset of this character as he pulled his cock out and grabbed at your thighs roughly. Your eyes drooped a bit but Jonathan quickly snapped you out of it by shoving his cock in you harshly.

"Bet you're still full of his cum, aren't you?" Jonathan grunted as you squeezed around him, unbelievably wet. "What a fucking whore."

"Doctor... please..." You cried, thrusting your hips up into him. "Please don't do this... this isn't right.. my... my... boyfriend... will find out-"

"Oh shut the fuck up," He spat, fucking you like you were just some fleshlight. "You're mine now, slut... gonna fuckin use you for all my experiments and fuck you while you're cowering in fear under my toxins."

"Pl-Please..." Tears slipped out from your eyes. "I'm not on the pill... please stop..." You lied and pulled at your restraints, trying to get free.

"Oh fuck, even better," He moaned. "Gonna get you pregnant and show your loving boyfriend what we fuckin' did... he'll see what an easy slut you are..." Jonathan's voice was cold and mean, but it made you moan so much louder and shake with pleasure as you came around him. "Told you so... look at you cumming already on my dick when I just put it in you."

"N-No..." You whimpered, tears streaming down your face. That only made him fuck you harder and deeper into you. He was getting off on your crying. "Please... you can't..." Your body had gone limp at this point. He showed no signs of stopping, fucking your spasming cunt.

"Poor little thing," He ran his thumb sweetly over your wet cheeks with a smug smirk. "Pretending like you're not just some cum-hungry slut."

You mewled and fought against your restraints as he somehow managed to make you cum again. You were so fucking turned on that your body gave in to the pleasure so easily and quickly. "Too much... too much... sir..." You wailed, trying to shut your legs, but that only made him pin those down as he continued fucking you. You thought about how you had edged Cillian earlier, so you imagined that this probably was his revenge.

"Go on and take my cum then, whore," Jonathan groaned as he spurt cum deep inside of you, further intensifying your orgasm. Jonathan grunted ferociously, cum filling you to the brim as he shook with the pleasure he was experiencing.

"Oh..." You squeaked, shutting your eyes as you twitched.

He pulled out of you, squirting a bit more cum out onto your swollen clit and watching it drip down and meet the rest of your sperm-filled hole. Jonathan seemed pleased with his creation as he slipped his fogged-up glasses off and wiped them clean before sliding them back on.

"Doctor...." You whispered, heaving as he stood up and undid your restraints. "Thank you..." You whispered, rubbing your sore ankles and wrists. "Pl-Please don't tell my boyfriend about this." Jonathan scoffed and rolled his eyes as he tucked his cock back into his underwear.

"I'm not finished with you yet, sweetheart," Jonathan whispered, leaning in and biting your neck. You whimpered and grabbed ahold of him as he left marks on your neck.

"No! Don't mark... don't mark me..." You tried to pull him off of you, but he wouldn't budge. It only made him bite you harder. "Jonathan... he'll see..."

"Good, I want him to see what a nasty slut you are," He growled, biting down harder.

You shoved him off of you and, with no underwear on, ran down the hall to get away from him. But you heard footsteps pounding down the hallway after you ominously, not at a very fast pace.

"Oh, you can run, but you can't hide sweetheart," He chuckled as he slowly walked around and acted as if he couldn't see you hiding behind one of the floor-length curtains. The tops of your feet poked out from underneath. "Hmm... where'd you go? I won't hurt you." It was creepy how convinced you were it was anyone other than your Cillian. In a way, you were truly horrified of him finding you. His American accent remains steady and strong.

You squeezed your eyes shut as you felt a hand wrap tightly around your arm and yank you out of your horrible hiding spot. "Stupid little girl... trying to hide from me..." He looked pissed as he dragged you to the center of the living room, where he shoved you down on your knees. "I have an idea..." He smirked, a glimmer of mischief flickering through his cold eyes. "Let's see what your sweet little daddy got you... hmm? Stay here on your knees... or I swear to fuckin' god..." He said through gritted teeth before sauntering off in only his underwear and glasses.

When he returns, it's with that familiar Tiffany&Co bag clutched in his hands. "How generous of your daddy to buy this for you... too bad he's not here to put it on you..." Jonathan hummed as he opened the gift for you.

"D-Don't... it's not... it's not yours..."

"You're right, sweetheart," He smirked before tearing open the bag, and a small box came out, the same shade of teal. He opened the package as he towered over you, your knees aching from digging into the hardwood floors. Your eyebrows knitted together as he pulled out a delicate silver chain and the most beautiful pendant you'd ever seen. "Lift your hair up for me, baby girl," Jonathan leaned down as you lifted up your hair and clasped the chain around your neck. It sat perfectly along your collarbones, and the bright ruby stood out against your complexion beautifully. "Does it look nice on me?" You asked quietly, noticing Jonathan's cock straining against his briefs once again.

"Yeah, you look nice and pretty," He grunted, pulling down the waistband of his shorts and began fisting his cock at the sight of you. "Too bad he's not here to see you right now, hmmm?" He moaned a little as he stroked his cock, quickly slapping you across the face with it before pressing it against your lips. "Suck."

Hesitantly you opened your mouth, and without much warning, he thrusted his hips until his cock hit the back of your throat. One of his hands held your hair in a messy ponytail while also pushing you up and down on his dick. He looked at you with that sickening smile, glasses drooping low on his nose, and his hair falling over his forehead.

"Fuck, that's it," He huffed out, fucking your head like it was just a mere toy to him. "Now I see why he keeps you around..." He sighed, tossing his head back and thriving in the feeling of your lips wrapped around his sensitive cock. "You're a good little cocksucker... that's your use."

Tears fell with every quick blink you gave him, eyes stinging from the saltiness. With every thrust into your throat, you'd gag, and more tears would fill the brim of your eyelids. You were viewing the most delicious view of his stomach and chest as well as the muscular bicep holding your head in place.

"Gonna cum all over your pathetic little face," Jonathan grunted with absolutely no concern for how you were doing. Of course, you could always give him three quick taps on the hip to say that's enough, but you never did. You loved being treated like this. "Bet you're getting off on this, aren't you slut?" You blinked your eyes up at him to signal yes. "That's what I thought, so then you know your purpose... what a good fucktoy Murphy's got..." He howled as he started to reach his peak. "Gonna cum down your throat... swallow every fuckin' drop."

You pressed your tongue against his shaft, really wanting to milk him good. You felt the familiar sensation of hot ropes of cum shooting down your throat. You gulped it down gratefully as he slowly pulled out, filling your mouth with cum, entirely pulling his cock out of your mouth to squirt all over your face. "Let's not forget..." He whispered, aiming it down onto your pretty little ruby necklace.

"O-Oh..." You coughed out, sticky with his cum, some dripping from the tip of your nose.

"Aren't you gonna thank me for your treat, slut?" He asked, slapping you across the face with the back of his hand. "Go on, thank me."

"Th-Thank you... Doctor..." You gasped out, feeling small spurts of cum dripping down your tits and onto your corset. Good thing it was already white.

"That's it, so polite," Jonathan grinned, raising you from your knees to your feet. "Look how wet you are..." He ran two fingers along your wet slit. You looked up at him with parted lips. His other hand wiped his cum from your face with his fingers before shoving into your open mouth. He smirked at the sight of your pretty new necklace covered in his cum.

"Sir..." You whimpered with pouted lips. "Please touch me more..." He pushed you into the couch, and you heard your hands being cuffed behind your back and a slight slap to your ass. "Wh-Why are you cuffing me?" Your voice trembled.

"Because you won't be able to handle what I give you next."

Shudders went down your spine as he pressed you down into a perfect arch, arms snugly tucked against your lower back. You heard him searching through his briefcase and then a tiny little zap! to the back of your thighs. "Ow!" You winced, jumping away.

"Oh darling, that was only the first setting," Jonathan snickered and got on his knees behind you, and you could look at him now from this angle despite it being a bit upside down. "You poor thing..." He cooed in faux sympathy.

"Wh-What're you gonna do to me, doctor?" You whispered, eyes wide as he placed a pink dildo within your line of sight.

"Gonna see how much you can take," He hummed simply, holding a small bottle of lube in one hand. Your eyes widened even further and you started shaking your head.

"No, no, no!" You tried to wiggle away from him but he grabbed a hold of your hips and pushed you into an even more intense and vulnerable position. Both your holes on display for him now.

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing..." He mused, lube-covered fingers now drawing circles around your asshole. "Breathe in for me, darling," He pressed two fingers into you, and you cried softly into the couch cushions, pussy gushing out pools of arousal and Crane's cum that was still inside of you. His fingers slowly stretched you out until you were ready to take the fake cock he was about to give you that he had already lubed up.

"Fuck... Jonathan..." You mewled as he slowly pressed the head in, gauging you for your reactions to make sure you were alright. "Oh god..." The thing was nearly fully sheathed inside of you.

"Fuck... look how amazing that is..." He whispered in awe, pushing the last of it until you were full to the brim with the toy. "Ready for the next part, love?" You heard a bit of an Irish accent come out in that question, which made you giggle. He quickly cleared his throat. "Cause I don't think you are." There was the American again.

"Oh god..." You whined, drool falling out of your mouth and your tits beginning to slip out from your corset. You heard a light buzzing of a vibrator coming from behind you which was quickly slipped inside of you and placed precisely on your g-spot. "Oh! Fuck! Turn it down... it's too much... ouch!" You squealed as he tased you on the hip again.

"Shhh... I'm just seeing the power that pleasure has over the body," Jonathan hummed as he put the rest of the small baby pink vibrator on your clit, which really crossed the line of overstimulation. Jonathan gripped the fake-cock in your ass and slowly pressed it in and out of you. You stood on your tippy toes, trying to get away from the pleasure and the pain of it all. "Look at you... how pathetic... and dirty. Bet you rarely let him use your little ass like this," He growled as he harshly thrust it back into you. Your moans were nearing screams at this point. "See, that's the thing about me and him... he'll do whatever you'll tell him to do, but you see... I don't get told what to do, especially not by a stupid little cumsock like you."

"I"m not a cums-"

Zap!

He moaned at the sound of your cries, tears slipping down your face again as he turned the vibrator up another setting. It was simply too much, and your mind was beginning to slowly cave in on itself. The vibrator is placed perfectly on your clit, and g-spot, and it was becoming harder and harder to bear. Your body shook, and your mind went truly blank as an unexpected orgasm hit you. Jonathan laughed sadistically as he turned the taser on and zapped you as you started to cum. You screamed in agony and from the electric pleasure, he held that there for a moment until it left a mark and then pulled it off of you.

"So fucking pretty," Jonathan praised, kissing your ass cheek. "This is all you're good for," He pressed the fake-cock further into your ass, and you mewled as you felt yourself squirt involuntarily. This was one of the longest orgasms you've ever had. You fought against the handcuffs, and tears were falling down your face as you soaked Jonathan's face behind you.

"St-Stop... too much..." You sobbed, writhing in overstimulation. Jonathan, with a wet face, slowly pulled the dildo out of you and placed it to the side. "Fuck..."

Once he had removed the vibrator, you relaxed, collapsing to your knees and burying your face into a couch cushion to muffle your crying. "There, there, Y/N," Jonathan hummed, undoing your restraints and pulling you into him. He held you while whispering sweet nothings in your ear with that unnerving American accent.

"Can... can I have Cillian back now?" You asked quietly, shaking a bit in his lap, pussy still gushing out fluids onto his thighs. He laughed softly and took off his wet glasses, setting them down on the coffee table.

"You need yer daddy?" Cillian asked. There was that lovely Irish accent again. "I'm right here, love." You smiled, pressing your face into his neck. "I love you so much, Daddy." You whispered, appreciating the warmth of his body against yours.

"I love you, baby," He hummed, covering your face in tiny kisses. "Let's get you cleaned up and then we'll get comfy in bed, yeah? Maybe order somethin' in?"

"Mhm..."

Cillian picked you up bridal style and carried you into your bathroom, where he sat you down on the bathtub's edge and carefully undid all the clasps of your lingerie. "So pretty, you did so good for me... love," Cillian praised.

After waiting for the bath to fill with hot water and once you and Cillian were fully undressed, you got in with a tired sigh. You felt exhausted and so overstimulated. So together, you lay in a hot bath that made you feel like you were in the womb again with Cillian's arms holding you like you were going to leave him. Your eyes fluttered shut as you nestled yourself closer to him, burying your face in his familiar chest. He stroked your wet hair, kissing the crowns of your head.

"Oh, baby girl..." He whispered deeply. "You did so good for me... made me feel so good..."

"Mmm... I know," You mumbled, ears pressed to the sound of his beating chest. The rhythm of his beloved heart was lulling you to sleep. "You made me so good... made me feel so good..." You agreed dopily.

Cillian cooed at you, cupping your jaw with his hand as he made you look up at him. "Oh, sweetheart... are you okay? Did I hurt you too much?"

"No, I'm okay, Cillian..." You reassured, stretching your neck out to give him a tender kiss. You leaned your forehead against his, hands pressed firmly on his chest. "I'm a little sore and need to be handled with care, but I'm okay... I feel... I feel so good..."

"Me too..." He whispered, pecking you quickly on the lips. "I love you, Y/N."

"I love you, Jonathan..." You whispered before quickly pulling away and shaking your head with embarrassment. "No, I meant Cillian...! I'm so sorry!"

"What's this about some Jonathan guy?" Cillian teased. "You dummy." He chuckled, grabbing you and pulling you back down on his chest again. He went back to that hypnotic way of stroking your hair. "Did I do a good job? Did ya enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, fuck, Cillian... that was so fucking fun..." You giggled, biting your lip as you looked up at him. "You're so hot... and so fucking talented..."

"Talented..?" He wheezed, cupping your face in between his hands as you spoke to him.

"Yeah... god... just how you so effortlessly talk in that American accent... it's so degrading and so fucking hot..." You rambled, rolling your eyes into the back of your head as you talked about him. "And I loved the whole... 'he's not right here right now'... thing even though you were right here...."

"You've still got a bit of m'cum on your throat..." He chuckled, glancing down at the ruby he gave you, glazed in a thin layer of cum. "Look so pretty covered in me cum..." Cillian hummed with a distracted and dazed look in his eyes as he daydreamed at the sight of your tits and the new shiny necklace around your pretty neck. In a way, it symbolized a way of permanently marking you. You were his. Any other bloke that tried to take a glance at you would see that cherry-red ruby and know to back the fuck off because this is Cillian Murphy's girl.

"Thank you... Daddy..." You whispered, pressing your face softly into his neck and slowly nuzzling your nose all the way up until you had your lips against his cheek. "I look so pretty with this new necklace you gave me... thank you... you're such a good boyfriend..." You whispered into his ear in a hypnotizing way.

"Yer welcome, babie," He grumbled, pressing kisses to your jaw as you licked softly at his jaw and neck. "Love buyin' you new pretty t'ings for me to put on you... especially love what you bought for yourself today..." He whispered, referring to the white lingerie you wore earlier. "Fuck... my cock was hard the moment I laid eyes on ya..."

"Oh hush," You giggled, poking him on the chest as you straddled him. "Maybe we could do that again sometime?" You asked coyly while you straddled his hips.

"What? Have me fuck ya as you call me another man's name?" Cillian asked in mock annoyance.

"No..."

"I'm just teasing, love..." Cillian laughed, kissing you softly. "'Course we can do it again, love... I saw how fuckin' wet you got the moment you realized who I was being."

"Obviously... I would like regular... doctor checkups from Jonathan..."

"'Course..." Cillian nodded curtly and with a smug smirk. "Dr. Crane's... very obsessive... gotta check in on his favorite patient..."

"But... also..."

"Hmmm? Cillian hummed, running his hands up your back with some soap. He softly rubbed in the soap along your sore and used body.

"Could we do Jackson Rippner next time?" You asked, covering your face in your hands.

"Huh?" He laughed in surprise.

"Just you were so sexy... in that movie..." "But he was a terrorist with an awful haircut!" Cillian protested with a bewildered grin on his face.

"Pleaaasee... daddy... it could be so good... pretty please..." You begged, giving him those sad eyes that instantly made him give in.

"Fine... fine, just as long as I don't have to cut my bloody hair..." He grumbled, rolling his eyes playfully.

"We are going on that little trip next week..." You whispered cheekily. "We could do a little somethin' somethin' on the plane..." You grinned.

"Oh yeah?" Cillian chortled. "Can you imagine? 'Cillian Murphy caught goin' into the airplane bathrooms with his young girlfriend to shag.' The stupid papers would shat out their own minds."

"We wouldn't get caught... daddy..." You whispered, nuzzling his nose. "Please..." You cried pathetically into his ear, all while seductively running your fingers up his body.

"Fuck me... alright..." He huffed. "But you have to go along with every word I say to you, alright? I'm also not getting a haircut... We can't fuck this up..." He told you commandingly. He paused for a moment before continuing. "But also, the idea of fuckin' you in some tight little airplane bathroom and having to keep you quiet is making me lose my mind..."

"Mhm..." You hummed, leaning in to kiss him. "Whatever you say goes, Cillian... I'll be a good girl." "I know you will, baby... 'cause I know you don't wanna find out what Jackson does to bad girls..." He whispered in your ear, causing you to shudder.

You really couldn't wait for this trip.

-

Part two?? Yes or no?? AHHH I HOPE YOU ENJOYED I'M SO PROUD OF THIS ONE.

PART TWO!!!

[potatomountain]

Two Just For You

Pairing: Song Mingi x afab reader x Christian Yu (DPR Ian)

WC: 5975

AU: non-idol

Genre: fuck buddies to partners. friends to partners.

Warning(s): "cheating", everyone swings all ways. threesome, Dvp. mxm, pet names, some degradation, sub Mingi, switch Christian, switch reader. sex with no barrier (reader is on the pill), Mingi is kind of a jealous toxic dick. big dick Mingi

Summary: Mingi hasn't tried to make things official with you, even after weeks of sleeping together and spending time together. He uses your new friendship with the hottie from the bar, Christian, as the excuse why he hasn't, going so far as fighting with you about it often, until you had enough. You didn't expect Christian to jump to the plate, even offering a relationship you wouldn't dare to think about before. But will it actually work?

Nets: @pirateeznet | @mirohs-aurora-society

Special tags: This is a belated birthday present for @mingsolo !! This is part two of Just For Tonight which was also written for Isa <3

dividers by: @cafekitsune

Taglist (Form): @candypop1611 | @vannabanana1995  | @piratequeen-queenofgames | @starstruckforyou

“So another fight?” Christian asked with a crooked brow, bringing his cup to his lips as you spilled the tea on your latest fight with Mingi- in which you weren't sure you were dating or just fuck buddies, at least not any more.

You had given him that one chance, and then he occupied your bed any chance you two got. But outside of sex, it was hard to determine your chemistry. Was it just sex? Or did you genuinely like him?

Through the last few weeks you had been updating the man responsible for this on a near daily basis. You even talked about other things, becoming friends and meeting up for the other adult drinks on occasion, like now: coffee.

“Mhmm. Like we aren’t even together and yet we’re fighting?” You sighed, setting the cup down and staring at the liquid inside. “Everything really was fine, until he realized I was talking to you. But I’m not going to budge on that…” Even if it royally sucked.

It had been your first fight, Mingi catching you in a face call with Christian while you were hanging around your apartment. You hadn’t been doing anything wrong, Christian was just asking if you two were dating yet since Mingi had slept over for probably the seventh or eighth time. You woke up before him and had been enjoying your coffee, in nothing but Mingi’s shirt, when he had walked in with nothing on himself.

He had started in on you the moment you hung up.

“I thought you said you weren’t going to date him?!”

“I’m not- we’re just friends. I did promise to keep him in the loop. Besides, if not for him you never would have gotten in my bed.”

“So what he’s just waiting around until I fuck up to swoop in? Am I the rebound? The second choice still?”

It was the first time he had raised his voice, but wasn’t the last. Whatever you two had been drastically changed since then, but funnily enough he fucked you every weekend, stayed over and watched movies. Everything was fine normally until your relationship with each other was brought up, or your relationship with Christian. Only one of those you wanted to change.

“I didn’t want to go out dancing last weekend, he did. I didn’t hear from him at all but I ended up going over because I felt bad about the fight you know? And some fucking chick was leaving his apartment when I did. He was right there, standing shirtless in the doorway with hickies on his neck.” Your blood began to boil just remembering the scene so vividly.

Christian’s eyes went wide, hissing as if he was the one in pain. “He didn’t-”

With a solemn nod, you looked up at him. “He did.”

He leaned back in his seat, whistling. “I was wrong about him then, damn. Thought he would be man enough for you.”

“Well we were both wrong. I honestly think this was it. I told him I was done with him. He had the audacity to say I was fucking you so why couldn’t he fuck around? Plus, ‘not like we’re official or anything’.” You felt the burn behind your eyes, knowing tears were going to build up. You had cried then, hit his chest with the bag of breakfast you had brought for him, and told him just what you thought of his words.

Christian waited patiently to hear it, leaning in again, arms folding on the table now.

Letting out a shaky breath, you continued. “I told him I’ve been waiting for him to get his head out of his ass because while I didn’t want to date a guy who wants to dictate my friends, I wanted him. Wanted him to make it official. Wanted to do stupid couple things, and celebrate anniversaries and maybe get a dog together down the line- you know, that stupid stuff. And I've wanted to do it since that first weekend.” You rapidly blinked the tears away.

His hand covered yours on the coffee cup for some silent comfort. “Oh love, he really fucked up.”

“He did. I told him no more. He doesn’t get any more chances. I gave him enough. And I haven’t heard anything from him all week.” It had been an unspoken ritual for him to come over Friday night after you got off work. If he showed up now, you hoped it was to give your spare key back and nothing more.

Silence followed; you wallowed in your own self-pity and Christian thought to himself.

He broke it first. “Do you want me to come over tomorrow night? Or I can swing by Saturday morning?”

“And do what? I’ll probably deep clean my apartment and throw his shit out. Months, Christian. I wasted months on him for an almost relationship and for what? Just to have my heart broken. Fuck, outside of the fights he was-” You pulled your hand away from his. “I loved him. Still fucking do. If he came back crawling and begging right now I’d actually consider it. Just… I was so tired of his jealousy. That was his problem, and it was so shitty of him to expect me to cut you out just because he couldn’t handle it.”

“It wasn’t without reason though.” He mumbled so low you barely heard him.

But you did, shocking you enough your head snapped up to stare at him, mouth agape. “What do you mean?”

His own eyes widened as he shifted uncomfortably. “You weren’t supposed to hear that… shit.”

“Christian, what do you mean?” You leaned forward, brows pushed together in a frown.

You two stared off for a moment before he relented with a sigh. “I pushed you to go after him that night, and I was still an option. Love… I never stopped being an option, at least not from where I was sitting. And he probably knew that. From his perspective, why else would I be sticking around after I told you, literally, if he didn’t work out then I would take you out? On a date no less? Not just a fuck.”

You bit down on your lip, mulling over his words. He was right… but you had been so focused on Mingi and trying to have a relationship with him, you ignored the way Christian made you feel. He was still as attractive as the day you first met him, and now knowing his personality he was very likable.

“But Mingi…”

He smiled at your pout, standing up and leaning over the table. “Love, have I ever told you I swing both ways? You’ve told me enough about him, that if he did get his head out of his ass, I think you could have us both. I am definitely not against it but he’s the issue.”

He was so casual about it, as if pointing out the shade of lipstick you were wearing, or talking about his week, not confessing something that had your stomach in knots.

Yet you still hesitated. “And if he doesn’t get his shit together? If he and I are really done?”

“Then you have a really cool boyfriend who will give you the Princess treatment and still encourage you to ride another man’s dick: especially if they’ll ride mine too.” He kissed your forehead before grabbing your coffee cup and taking it over to the trash. “Think about it. I’ll be over Saturday night and no matter what you choose, I won’t get angry or upset with you. I respect any decision you make, Love.”

This was definitely a turn of events you never expected. Ever.

After parting ways your next work day went by in a daze, opting to invite some friends over Friday night: strictly girl friends.

Course, Wooyoung apparently counted. He even put his hair in pigtails and wore the girliest outfit he had. You protested, but he insisted he was only going to be there to be the driver home for the ladies, and cook.

Apparently he had heard about what happened from Yunho who, unbeknownst to you at the time, had heard your whole argument with Mingi. So in his own way, Wooyoung was trying to be there for you. The bottle of soju and chocolates had been his idea too.

It also didn’t help that aside from your best friend, his girlfriend, you only had two other friends, only one showing up. So bestie being bestie invited the girlfriends of Wooyoung’s friends.

The shit talking that was done after the second bottle of soju was emptied was glorious. Wooyoung looked rather pained, or at least feigned shame, every time he was talked about, but he was immediately reminded of how much he was loved with kisses after. They were good together, you thought, but it also left you a bit jealous.

Of course your own predicament was brought up, but by Yunho’s girlfriend, not Wooyoung like you suspected. So you spilled the details, alcohol contributing to your whole conversation with Christian also being aired. Then, bets placed on if you were going to end up with one boyfriend or two, no one even considering you saying no to Christian which, to be fair, was a safe bet.

“I think you’re going to end up with two.” Wooyoung added last, smirking over his water bottle. “You don’t hang out with us enough to know but most in our group either swing all ways or both ways. You know Seonghwa and Hongjoong are dating and they’ve shared a few girls before. In fact they’ve been seeing the same girl for a few weeks now I think they might invite her in. I didn’t invite her though.”

“Plus I know Mingi likes dick. Yunho’s told me about it.” As soon as Yunho’s girlfriend slipped the words out, she looked apologetic. “Sorry again, I really can’t seem to hold my tongue with alcohol.” Her words were even slurring a bit.

This was even more information you had not expected, just more to think about it seemed.

They left you without a decision but started a group chat because they were now invested in how things went. Over all, it put a lot into perspective, and left you hopeful.

Wooyoung didn’t seem bad, and the girls his friends dated were definitely chill. Sure you preferred to be alone, but if you were going to socialize you liked the idea of doing so with them. And Mingi? Christian?

Maybe it was the alcohol but your dreams were plagued by a scenario with them that had you aching for them both. It wasn’t uncommon for you to dream about Mingi like this, but with Christian in the mix… you were very hopeful.

A girl could dream right? (In this case, literally dream.)

Saturday evening rolled around and your hopes of last night had dwindled to anxious cleaning and worries once more that you had fucked things up beyond repair. You sent a text to Mingi to bring you the apartment key, preferably before seven, as you had company coming over.

You had been left on read, so you had no idea if he was going to stop by or not. The later it got, the more anxious you had become, until six rolled around, then… seven was dangerously close.

“This is it, it’s over.” You mumbled to yourself as you leaned against the back of your couch looking over the somewhat romantic table setting you had worked hard on. While Mingi hadn’t messaged you once, Christian had, talking about this evening and making plans with you.

The two of you decided to cook dinner together, eat, watch a movie and then if you had been comfortable he could stay over or he could head home. Either way, you had told him that you wanted a date before agreeing to anything, so this was it.

And still no Mingi.

Dejectedly you made your way to your bedroom, having done your hair and makeup already but finally slipping into the comfortable but flattering outfit you had picked out. Everything about your appearance was still very homey, comfortable, but with that hint of dressed-to-impress including the lingerie set underneath. One you had bought for Mingi but never got to show him. You had been saving it for when, if, he finally asked to make things official.

A little after seven there was a knock on your door. You knew it was Christian, he had texted you a minute ago that he had arrived and would see you shortly. You tried not to let the disappointment show as you opened the door, still wanting to give the man the attention he deserved.

“Hope you don’t mind, I found a stray outside and thought I’d bring him in.” Christian smiled at you as he drawled in his aussie accent, his presence already easing your nerves a bit. It really was so hard not to like him.

“Stray?” You opened the door further, eyes practically bulging out of your skull as you spotted Mingi standing with a bouquet of your favorite flowers in his hands and a sheepish expression. “Mingi?”

When you looked to Christian for an explanation, he happily supplied one. “He was pacing out front, nearly running when he saw me. I made him talk, we had a heart to heart, and now he’s here to beg your forgiveness. Aren’t you, bub?”

Mingi nodded, appearing much smaller than he actually was next to the man that was physically smaller, but older than him. “I’m sorry Princess I-”

You stopped him by holding a hand up. “Come inside and apologize properly.” You held the door open for them both, more flabbergasted by the whole situation than nervous now. The way Christian handled Mingi was just comedic, especially as the taller man stumbled forward and nearly tripped over his own feet.

“For you.” Mingi squeaked out as he handed you the flowers, then began to take his shoes off at Christian’s instruction. Just what sort of heart to heart did they have?

Both were dressed up, dark button ups and slacks, their hair styled a bit differently than their usual every day. It wasn’t overboard, but definitely gave the vibes of a date. You couldn’t help but think of this as a date with them both, smelling the flowers before making your way over to the kitchen to find a vase. You put these ones on the table as a centerpiece, smiling at the flowers.

“I like them but…” You turned, hands placed on your hips as you narrowed your eyes on Mingi. “This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven. I’m giving you one last chance.”

“I know. I heard from everyone all week how I fucked up. My own feelings don’t justify how I invalidated yours, over and over again Princess… and I’m sorry. I did something stupid and I really wish I could take it back.” He reluctantly stepped closer, Christian having to nudge him a bit before he went and made himself home in the kitchen.

The ease the tattooed Aussie expressed in your apartment was comforting. He relaxed you, often did or said what you needed to hear. No stress, no contempt, just a solid rock almost. And then there was Mingi, a fiery passion that made you feel alive, and often loved and giddy. Fire and water, and you liked them both. One snuck up on you, the other hit you with a force you had been fighting with since that first night you gave him a chance.

The night you gave them both a chance it seemed.

“But you did it Mingi. You were hypocritical for one, and just an insufferable asshole! I’m not waiting around anymore you understand? I’m not compromising further anymore. I know what I want and if you aren’t willing to do that, to be a part of my life in that way, then you can leave right now. Sorry or not, I-”

“I know.” He suddenly got on his knees before you, head down and arms at his side. “I’m willing to try. Fuck I should’ve been willing from the start. I was so sure you would compare me to him, that you would find him better, and wouldn't want me anymore. I didn’t think to communicate, to really hear what you wanted and not what would make me feel secure. You should never have to sacrifice for me security. I knew that and yet I kept asking. And then I couldn’t ask you to be my girlfriend if I was asking such a shitty thing right?”

You listened to his confession, listened to him ramble, but you could see Christian leaning against the doorway to your kitchen with some snack, popping it in his mouth like popcorn. He could be so unserious sometimes, and it was an effort not to smile at his antics.

“I thought you would pick him if you were given the actual option because hell, I’d pick him over me.” It was Mingi’s red ears that gave away what he truly meant by that.

Oh, he found him attractive. He was probably crushing too.

It was starting to look like Wooyoung was going to win that bet with the others.

“Mingi… I picked you over him. I did. I really fucking did. And you treated me like shit. Now I’m picking him-” You leaned down to grip his chin, pulling his face up when his shoulders had dropped dejectedly, “-and you. If you’ll try.”

His eyes flickered to Christian immediately. “Is he… okay with that?”

“Bub, it was my idea.” He smiled over at the two of you, setting aside the snacks before making his way over. “Why not give it a trial run? See how we work together? The chemistry is there and this might be me being a little impatient but, one night to see how we do? In the bedroom that is.”

You liked that idea far too much to pass it up, and by the glazed look in Mingi’s boba eyes… so did he.

Though you didn't jump right into it, insisting that you do the date part first. So the three of you cooked, the small kitchen feeling much too hot with the three of you. The number of times you felt a hand on you - hip, ass, back, shoulder- had you in need of a cold shower. You didn't even care about how the food tasted at this point, just wanting it done.

The icing on the cake was that Christian was just as touchy with Mingi but more subtle: his hip, back, arms to guide him around. He was finding any excuse to touch you both and Mingi seemed just as affected by it as you were.

While cooking dinner was practically a constant buildup of tension, eating was a bit more relaxing. The conversation was actually on the food, and the surprise that it came out pretty well. Which you suspected was mostly because of Christian as you hadn’t been able to focus. You teased him for it, and that was the first moment you saw him get flustered.

It was almost adorable how much they both got flustered and a little giggly when you would compliment them. You knew of Mingi’s habit before, but the fact Christian wasn’t much different… it put you in quite the teasing mood.

Where Christian would tease, you would tease right back, Mingi becoming a victim of you both especially during the movie. You couldn’t remember what movie it was, Christian on your left and Mingi on your right, dwarfing you on the sofa but it had been their hands that made it hard to focus. Christian had his right arm over the back of the seat, his fingers running up Mingi’s shoulder and neck casually or playing with his hair subtly. His other kept intentionally moving to draw your attention to his lap until you had thrown one leg over his thigh and he was now firmly holding it.

You would tease him by playing with his fingers, slowly inching his hand up your thigh on purpose. All while you had leaned into Mingi a bit, a hand resting on his thigh. You knew Christian’s touches affected him because you could feel his muscles tense up each time, your own teasing touches doing the same to his thighs.

The tension had grown so palpable it was a wonder none of you had snapped already. Just from the teasing, the way you moved your body to expose yourself to them, encouraging them to touch, you were practically begging for it. You didn’t even care about the movie anymore, constantly watching them. Your thoughts wondered how Christian would kiss you, if he would make Mingi watch, or if he would make you watch. The possibilities were endless but you were getting so impatient.

“Fuck this.” He seemed to be even more so, turning to face you more and leaning in to crash his lips to yours. You welcomed him, moving your own eager lips and lifting your hands to his shoulders to pull him closer.

Mingi whined behind you. “Princess-” He shifted behind you so your back was against his firm chest, his hands running over your sides to your stomach.

You let out a soft noise against softer lips at the touch, being sandwiched between them like this making you feel even smaller and much more wet between the thighs. You still weren’t entirely sure how this was going to work, since you’ve never had more than one partner in bed at the time, but the three of you would figure it out.

It didn’t matter if they took turns, at the same time, or with each other… as long as they did it quickly. You could feel how hard Mingi was against your back, his lips now on your neck as he watched the way Christian kissed you. When you did get a moment to breath, it was only because Christian’s lips were now on Mingi, pulling such a whiny moan from the bigger man it had your head spinning.

Wanting a better view, and to get your clothes off because it was far too hot, you pulled yourself off them and the couch. Christian immediately fell forward against Mingi, gripping his neck and pushing him down on the couch.

This was probably the hottest sight you ever had the pleasure to experience; you couldn’t tear your eyes away from it as you pulled your clothes off without a care where they fell… only leaving on the lingerie set.

Mingi caught a glimpse of you, pulling his mouth away to gape with swollen and wet lips from how hard the two had been making out. His eyes were glazed over with that familiar look, you knew he wasn’t going to be in charge of anything today. Perfect really, he looked so good whenever he let you use him to get off.

Christian had also turned when Mingi did, his breath catching in his throat. With a groan he sat back and began unbuttoning his shirt. “You look beautiful, Love. I’m not the only impatient one am I?” He pulled the shirt off and tossed it aside,, exposing tattoos up both arms and down his chest that both you and Mingi were admiring with similar drooling expressions on your face.

He patted Mingi’s thigh as he stood up. “Strip big boy, I want to gawk too.”

The way Mingi scrambled up to get his clothes off as Christian swooped in and picked you up had your giggles turning into a gasp. You could feel how hard he was, your wet panties pressed against his clothed bulge and you couldn’t help but to grind down. The friction had your head falling back, giving access to the attack of love bites he was now pressing against the curve of your neck. He carried you down the hall to your room with a little guidance from Mingi who was now in just his briefs with a noticeable wet spot.

Christian didn’t put you down like you first expected, instead holding you against him while massaging your ass and grinding into you almost like a needy pup. He pulled his lips from the curve of your breast to look at Mingi. “On the bed, naked. Can’t forget you made her cry, that’s not going to fly anymore you understand?”

With heated boba eyes, he nodded. “I won’t. No more jealousy. I’ll make it up to her for the rest of my life if I have to.”

Christian smirked against your shoulder, “that’s what I like to hear.” A moment later he was setting you down on Mingi’s thighs, his cock right in front of you. “But let’s see how you can handle it really. Watch her face as I fuck her? Make her feel good? Just like you have been dreaming about, yeah bub?”

You and Mingi both whined in response.

Without being told, and much too eager for your own good, you leaned forward and lifted your hips. “Please, I don’t want to wait any longer.” After all you had technically been thinking about this since he left you after your coffee meetup.

Glancing over your shoulder, your breath lodged in your throat momentarily at the expression Christian wore: full of impatience, lust, and a bit of disbelief. The impatience won out as he pulled the rest of his clothes off quickly and climbed on the bed, knees on either side of Mingi’s legs but nudging your own further apart until you were pressed against Mingi and could feel his cock against your mound and stomach. “Prep first love, I’m not his size but I don’t want to hurt you for our first time.”

He only pushed your panties aside before pushing in two fingers, pulling your cheek away so he could see your cunt better even knuckle deep. You couldn’t watch well, too focused on the pleasure to keep yourself controted at such an angle and Christian was determined to press all the right buttons.

Mingi wasn’t going to just lay there it seemed, his hands finding your waist as he lifted his hips to grind his cock against you, the fabric of your panties getting pushed up more by his action.

Christian had other ideas, smacking both his hands while his fingers still fucked you with intention of spreading you out. “Aht, bubs, you’re still getting punished.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss against the center of your back, his cock heavy on the curve of your ass as he did so. “Love, hold his hands down. Don’t have to be too rough, just make sure he doesn’t move. Bubs is going to be a good boy and keep still though, aren’t you?”

You eagerly did as you were told, holding Mingi’s wrists as you pushed your hips back to meet Christian’s hand. Mingi was watching you both with his brows pushed up and pretty thick lips parted, looking so cute. The whole situation was quite hot, yet it still wasn’t enough.

Before you could beg, Christian was pulling his fingers out and leaning over you, tapping Mingi’s lips with them. He didn’t even have to tell Mingi what to do before the man was latching his pretty mouth over the appendages, tongue wrapping around as he sucked them clean. You were so fascinated by the visage that the cock suddenly spreading your hole further took you by surprise.

Christian wasn’t small, you suspected he wasn’t, but it was hard to beat Mingi’s monster cock. That didn’t discourage him, burying himself to the hilt and pressing down on your back to angle you just right that you felt him in all the right spots. A nice little perk was that it pressed your mound harder down on Mingi’s cock, the first thrust Christian gave sliding you up and rubbing your clit against him.

Yes, he wasn’t small but he knew just how to use you.

He kept his hand on the small of your back as he leaned back, holding you there as his hips built up a slow but harsh pace that had you sliding up Mingi’s cock and back down with each thrust. “Feels better than I imagined Love, and your pretty sounds- mmm fucking hell you’re addicting.”

You hadn’t even realized you were moaning and whimpering until he pointed it out, all your focus that wasn’t taken up by his cock had been on keeping your position still.

Mingi’s arms twitched under your hands, soft pants leaving his lips just above your head as you rested it on his chest. You gasped out as your head was suddenly pulled back, your expression on display as Christian had a fistful of your hair, grunting out, “he needs to see you.”

You locked eyes with Mingi, licking your lips at how delicious he looked, but his eyes did flicker back to Christian behind you quite a bit. Oh you wanted to know what sort of expression he made, but the thought was dashed when you felt a second intrusion in your cunt: he was pushing a finger in, stretching you out further even as his cock kept pushing in.

Eyes rolling back, the stimulation of your clit and his cock, had you coming and tightening your walls around him. “Shit, Love, not so tight-” Christian groaned out, hips stuttering in his pace as he tightened his hold on your hair. “Gotta stretch you out.”

“W-what for?” You gasped out, body still reeling from the orgasm and walls fluttering around his cock.

He chuckled, pushing a second finger in once you relaxed once more. “To take us both of course.”

Mingi’s eyes went wide, eyebrows scrunched so far up it was almost comical, but you couldn’t laugh considering you were just as shocked.

“Excuse me?” You gasped out, bouncing on his cock once more as he picked up his pace.

“You heard me love. I want you to take both of our cocks in your sweet cunt. What better way to see if this will work? To show we can really share? Other than by sharing your sweet fucking pussy?” He pulled out slowly with each sentence just to slam in before starting the next, tits bouncing with each thrust and hardened nipples scraping against Mingi’s chest.

“Thought I was getting punished?” Mingi groaned beneath you, clearly trying his best not to move but he was lifting his chest just a bit to feel your tits on you more, his tongue constantly flicking out as he watched them.

Christian let go of your hair to instead grab your throat and you could feel the metal of his rings against your esophagus as he leaned forward. “Have you not yet realized I want you too big boy? And I want to feel that pretty fucking cock rubbing against mine as her delicious cunt squeezes us both so tightly we’re seeing heaven.”

You and Mingi both whined at that, resulting in a chuckle from Christian as he pushed in a third finger and pushed them apart to stretch you out even more. It was a bit uncomfortable, never having been so stretched out before, but you knew this was nothing compared to how they would both feel inside you.

Once the man felt satisfied, he pulled out completely, dropping your neck gently before he flipped you around so your back was against Mingi’s chest. “Hold her legs.”

Mingi complied immediately, his head slotted next to yours as his hands were gripping the back of your knees and holding your legs up and wide.

Christian grinned at the sight, tongue playing with his bottom lip while he took a moment to touch you both. “Such a pretty cock-” He was gripping Mingi’s shaft now, lifting it to line his tip with your cunt you were sure was gaping for them, “-and such a beautiful pussy. Going to look so good, all connected, yeah?”

Meeting Mingi’s eyes, Christian nodded in a silent command before watching Mingi push in, shifting you down his body a little so you could take more of his cock easier. With how stretched out you were, Mingi slipped in so easy but there was still a stretch the deeper he went and it felt amazing. You could never get used to how good he felt inside, each time just as new and exciting as the first.

“I could get used to watching this.” Christian hummed before adjusting himself to crouch on his feet, adjusting himself so that his own cock lined up with your entrance. He braced himself on the back of your thing, guiding his tip in before bringing his thumb to your clit. He rubbed soft circles as he pushed in, attempting to be gentle as the stretch was now painful. “I know love, but you can take it. You’re such a good girl, I know you can take it. Mmm look at that, halfway in.” He paused, panting.

“So… fucking… tight-” MIngi groaned against your ear, voice gruff from his own pleasure. You knew he was trying to control himself, his grip almost bruising as he watched Christian continue to push in while rubbing your bundle of nerves.

Soon enough they were both balls deep inside you, all three of you panting from the effort as you tried to adjust but they felt so big and you couldn’t stop clenching down around them. Mingi sounded as if he was one thrust away from cumming inside you, and maybe that was all the three of you had.

Christian didn’t stop rubbing your clit, easing away the pain until you were whimpering and grabbing his forearm. “P-please- just fuck me already. Wanna cum with you both. Wanna fill how big I get.” Your other hand pressed down on your lower stomach, and that was the final trigger.

They both began to thrust into you harshly, your cries quickly filling the room as your head fell back. “Oh fuck oh God yes yes please!” quickly became too jumbled up to be decipherable from the intense pleasure they fucked into you.

It was unlike anything you had ever felt, so full, so thoroughly stretched out with every single nerve ending getting rubbed just right that you were on the cusp of soaking all of you.

When Mingi reached up and grabbed the back of Christian’s neck, pulling him down to crush his lips to his own, you hit your release with a silent scream. Your walls pulsated around them both,adding pressure that had them moaning into each other’s mouths until they were filling you up just as you promised.

The three of you were a sweaty, convulsing mess as you rode out your climaxes together, panting in each other’s ears and struggling to remember how your lungs work.

You tapped Christian’s shoulder, turning your head to kiss him, the Mingi, taking turns swapping spit and tongue and watching them do the same until their softening cocks and the leaking cum was becoming uncomfortable.

“S-shower?” You rasped out, gently pushing Mingi’s hands off you so your legs could straight out a bit, pushing Christian off in the process.

“We can.” The aussie grinned as he sat next to you both. “Or we can try a few more dynamics?”

You playfully hit his shoulder, glancing back at Mingi. “We’ll have plenty of time for that, won’t we baby? You did say forever right?”

Mingi blushed a bit but nodded. “Yes… You have us both.”

You licked your lips, cupping both of their cheeks. “Mmm, two of the hottest, most adorable dorks, just for me?”

“Just for you.” They said together, grins almost matching. You could live with that.

| @minheeskitten | @sousydive | @alextheweeb7 | @thesafecafe | @euphoricem

| @meepsters-world | @mysticfire0435 | @yejisuu | @apriecotte | @amphiroxx 

| @cloudysannie | @sugarnspice630 | @isiloiale | @plutoneu | @venn-ie

| @therealcuppicake | @lavishloving | @pearltinyy | @vampiregirl215

| @heihaneul | @gugggu6gvai | @oddinaryxfever | @smally97 | @pandagirl-016

| @hecateslittlewitchling | @arinyyy | @lovelgirl22 | @stayatinykatsy | @noone356097 |

@bunnliix | @skteezcursed

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I played the last game by myself? to find it-> 🎮👾🕹️

So I [26NB] and three of my friends have been playing this game series for a while now it’s been probably a little under a year at this point that we’ve been chugging through these games (there’s, I believe, five games in total with a spin off and each game has multiple parts/chapters). We’ve been setting aside a day every week depending on our work and life availability to play through it. Normally getting a chapter a night or half a chapter depending on the length. Of course not every week we can do it cause of life and that's totally fine.

A little extra info on the games because I find it relevant. So the first game I actually played by myself cause the other three started without me (this was their thing they planned and invited me into later when I showed interest in the game) and I spent that time working to catch up to where they were in the game so I could join them. I did have a lot of fun playing the game as the game play is just as fun as the story to me and even when I get stuck the walk throughs are really easy to read and helpful. I'm not known for my gaming and actually watch playthroughs for stuff instead of plaything them myself cause I just all around suck at video games but this is one of the few games I like playing personally.

Once I played through the first game I hopped onboard the group plays with the other three to hang out and play together. Two of the friends have already played the whole series (lets call ‘em Lucy and Zeref) and know all the story where me and the third friend (let's call them Gray) didn't know anything at all about the series before we started playing. Part of the joy of these games for the both of us is getting to experience the exciting story in real time. As these games actually have a fairly large following and are pretty popular but some how both of us have gone most our lives with little to no spoilers for the series. This game is also full of crazy twists and turns that are VERY exciting to experience live.

Because of this fact I've also spent so much effort and time staying away from spoilers but still trying to interact with the fandom which is where not impossible just kinda frustrating cause there's a lot of art and fics and convos I'm missing out of because of it. I've even made another friend outside of this small group who ALSO likes these games but we don't talk about them much cause they're afraid of spoiling things for me by accident. Which, while very kind of them, is also in it's own way kinda frustrating.

We are currently on the fourth game and, honestly I've been thinking about just playing the last game and the spin off by myself at this point. There's two reasons for this. The first is that the games are just dragging on far too much to be fun anymore for me. I think it’s a mix of the fact that this fourth game is apparently one of, if not the, longest in the series and also that because of scheduling changes our weekly get togethers are much shorter now. Both of these factors causing us to take much longer to get through the chapters and this game. It’s really making it much harder to enjoy and even my roommate last week said I looked really tired and seemed burnt out during the session. It also doesn’t help that these meetups are online so I also don’t get to physically play the game myself and I can’t just ask to have the controller for a bit cause all of us are states away. 

The other part to this is that, honestly, me and these friends have not been talking as much. Something happened around the time we started the fourth game where I had a bunch of huge life changing events happen to me and I was severely depressed and grieving because of it. Due to some mixed up emotions on all sides and miscommunication, we had a hiccup in our friendship. There was a moment where I was genuinely scared of losing them but we talked it out like adults and things were better. However, ever since then it really does feel like the three of them talk a lot less to me now. I, at first, believed it was just my imagination. I do have some issues with my perception of reality due to mental heath but I always keep a very strong foot on the ground and go to people when I really feel like I can’t tell if I’m being crazy or not. So I chalked it up to me having a Moment(™) and just kept on like nothing was wrong. I even threw myself into DMs and out a lot more to try and make up for it. Instead of hiding away and being sad I tried to get them to interact with me more by really engaging in our friendships and chats. Unfortunately this hasn’t really helped the feeling of growing separation and light (possibly even unconscious) ignoring on their parts and I’m really feeling weighed down by it these days. It’s making these sessions even harder for me because no matter how much fun I have with them it makes the silence outside of the calls even more hollow and gut wrenching. 

A while back I did actually go to Gray and talk about my feelings mostly towards the way us playing the game is taking so long and causing burn out, and even suggested that instead of leaving the game nights completely, just playing the rest of them on my own and still hopping in with them when they do it. Gray was really sad with this cause they really enjoyed how both of us were going in blind together and they didn’t wanna be the only one who didn’t know anything while everyone else did. I understand that and felt really bad so I kept playing with them as a group. But the above feelings just got worse and worse. 

To top it off, Lucy has stopped coming to the game nights all together and I don’t really know why. As far as I’m aware they haven’t said anything at least not publicly in our chat about it and I didn’t feel it my place to pry. They also just haven’t been talking in the chat at all which feels extra bad cause I’ve always felt closest to Lucy and Gray at the end of the day. I’ve been chatting with Lucy in DMs here and there and they never seem disinterested in our conversation or like they no longer wanna be friends or anything. But it’s still really saddening as I am not really the DM type of person and am better at interacting in group chats and the like. So I feel like our already dying friendship is just going down hill faster. 

I just really wanna play the games and get it over with. I miss being able to play them physically and these game nights are starting to just worsen my mood as we go. I’m really not sure what to do cause I know Gray (and probably Zeref a little too) will be real upset if I drop out completely or if I play ahead of them. A part of me almost thought about playing the games in secret and pretending like I didn’t to spare their feelings and still make it fun for them and relieve all this stress off myself which I don’t know if that would be better or worse

What are these acronyms?

[cantquitu]

"Such as Liam talking about his struggles with alcohol, Louis talking about how he found it difficult to come to terms with his role in the band, Harry talking about his anxiety around the risk of him messing things up or doing the wrong thing, and everyone knowing so much about him."

What's your take on Louis also saying that he was blindsided by the band ending? I have to admit that when I became a Harry fan and learned about 1D, I immediately thought the hiatus line was for the fans, and that they'd split, but wanted to allow space for a possible reunion rather than toxic gossip.

But even if they were honestly just going on a break, that's a lot of discussion for 4 or 5 people to have, in their various combinations. Louis seemed to be across the management side of things at the time, as well. Didn't they close the 1D-related companies down within the year? There would have been meetings about that, as they were all directors. Do you think he was having a hard time accepting what Harry and maybe others were saying? Or do you think he's a bit disingenuous about it all?

I absolutely think the hiatus line was for the fans. 100%. I have no doubt that they all discussed and agreed with their management and label what their strategy and script would be.

They needed an approach that would help manage the fandom's response. Any British person working with them would have been aware of the response to Take That ending, and 1D and their team also had the very fresh knowledge of how the fans responded to Zayn leaving. I believe they felt a certain duty of care to their fans and felt that officially splitting up would have been too much for them to take, and it was better to leave the door open to a reunion.

Also, more cynically, it allowed the label to exploit the final tour dates and album sales before they departed, and preserve the 'we're brothers' image that was so important to the fans.

I find it baffling that adult fans of 1D don't get this. Yes, 1D lied about being back in 18 months. I'm the first person to usually say "believe what they actually say, not the fantasy/conspiracy you've made up in your head", but I do think this is a completely different set of circumstances. This was PR 101. It's a white lie, a lie to soften the blow, a lie that any grown-up can see a mile away. No-one outside the 1D fandom believed that band were going on hiatus. No-one! Any fan who believed it was either a) too young to know better (which is why 1D did it), or b) willfully fooling themselves.

As for Louis, I don't think he was being disingenuous when he talked about 1D once they'd ended. I think fans just interpret what he says with their own biases to the fore. Nothing that Louis has ever said post-Dec 2015 made me think he believed the band was coming back after 18 months or that they genuinely were on a hiatus.

Louis talked about being surprised and bitter that the band was ending. He has spoken really frankly about how difficult those discussions about 1D's future were. So yes, I think he was finding it difficult to accept what Harry and others were saying during those conversations in that last year of 1D. He literally said so!

“It was an uncomfortable time more than anything. We’ve always had a level of respect for each other in these meetings and we always said that 100 per cent honesty and openness is so important if you’re going to get on as a band.

It made those situations a little bit difficult because I felt like I really was building up confidence in myself and in my place within the band and as a songwriter in the band.

“I could feel that potentially it was going to be a break. What was difficult was trying to understand how long that might be. So that process was kind of a little uncomfortable.

“You’re asking guys who have grown up being best friends to make selfish decisions, which they should do, based on themselves.

But it doesn’t change the fact that it was difficult for me to accept at first.”

This all happened before 1D ended. A fact that most of Louis' fans chose to ignore. By the night of 1D's last performance, Louis was saying (in footage from that night that he released in his documentary):

"As far as I'm concerned there's no guarantee and there's no security, nobody knows what's coming after this. Anything could come next - absolutely anything! It's like starting again to be honest, for me. I'll just take it as it comes, I suppose"

Does that sound like someone who's saying, "We'll definitely be back in 18 months?" No! He has explicitly said that he found the "not knowing" difficult to accept. Some of his fans have twisted that into "He didn't know 1D had ended! He was duped!". Like, how dumb do you think the guy is?? Give him some credit, of course he knew 1D was ending!!! THEY WERE OUT OF CONTRACT! They did not re-sign. That was a decision made long before their final show.

Louis struggling to accept it does not equal Louis being kept in the dark. He wanted certainty, he wanted answers, he wanted to know what his future was going to look like. That's not something anyone could give him, he had to figure that out for himself. Louis knows that, he's spoken about it publicly a thousand times. It drives me nuts that people ignore him!

I could go on about this forever so I'll leave it here :)

[i-think-i-did-it-again]

Confession II

Warning: swearing

A/N: there will 100% be another part to this but I wanted to make this chapter a big angsty with some fluff, so enjoy! Smut to follow 😉

“Oh no, oh no, oh fuck,” you mumble to yourself over and over again.

You stumble out of the bed to pull your jeans on, the room spinning. You’re pretty sure you’re still slightly drunk or your chaotic mind is just causing your body to spiral. You listen carefully for any sounds outside your door but hear nothing but silence. You hold your shoes firmly in your hand, making sure you can make a completely soundless getaway. Whether you’re still drunk or hungover, you know for a fact that you’re not ready to face Colson right now.

You peer out into the hallway as you slowly open the door, ensuring the coast is truly clear. You can hear the soft sounds of snoring coming from behind the door opposite you and you’re glad you don’t have to face any of your friends either. You’re not sure if Colson would’ve told them what you’d said and you’d really rather not know. Ignorant bliss is definitely the vibe you’re going for.

You pad quietly to the stairs and haphazardly glide your way down them. You’re fairly sure you’ve succeeded in escaping your hell on earth, when the sound of someone clearing their throat smacks you as you reach the front door. You turn with a cringe and come face to face with your worst nightmare. A very bewildered Colson stares you down, catching you again trying to sneak away. You try your best not to look like a deer in headlights.

“I think we should talk,” Colson declares in a confident tone of voice and your stomach drops.

You nod and bite your bottom lip, following him to the backyard. The sun hasn’t quite risen so you’re greeted by the most beautiful sunrise, the worst backdrop for the conversation you’re about to have. You want to make the whole situation less awkward by taking back everything you said last night but you just can’t bring yourself to say it.

“You’re awake early,” you speak for the first time since he caught you and you know by the look on his face that Colson is not in the mood for small talk.

“I never went to sleep,” he admits with an edge to his voice. “I had a lot on my mind.”

You flinch because you can definitely hear the accusation in his tone. You want to apologise and try to blame it on the alcohol but you know that won’t help the situation. You don’t know how to make it better but you’re desperate to try.

“Can we just forget the whole thing?” you beg, trying to hide your desperation. Colson’s eyes soften slightly but his jaw stays tense.

“We can’t do that and you fucking know it Y/N,” he scolds you disapprovingly. You let out a puff of air you didn’t know you were holding and brace yourself for what is about to come. “I’ve spent so much of my adult life being used by people. People that want me to help boost their career, their ego, their hunger for recognition. I’ve tried so hard to work out the users from the real people in my life and tried so hard to surround myself with people who genuinely care about me and I thought you were one of those people.”

“I-“ you start but Colson holds up his hand to silence you.

“I thought you were my friend, one of my best fucking friends, because you wanted to be. It turns out that you only wanted to be around me so you could feed some fucking sick fantasy you had of us being more than friends. You used me for your fucking hormones, to get yourself off in a fucking toilet cubicle. Do you know how dirty that makes me feel!?”

You don’t know what to say to him. He took what you said in such a twisted way that you’re not even sure how to defend yourself. Then again, in your drunken rambling, you’re not really sure how well you actually explained yourself. You’re pretty sure you used the word ‘love’ but then you did stumble into a rant about masturbating after the concert that you could’ve probably left out entirely.

“I’m sorry,” you hang your head in shame as the ramifications of your confession hits you like a tone of bricks.

In what you thought was a cute, albeit dirty revelation, you do remember saying that being friends with him was ok because it just meant to got to be around him. In what you thought was a sweet compliment, was actually a sick way of saying ‘I’ll pretend to be your friend because I like creating fantasies of us in my mind after I hang out with you’. Not the most glowing endorsement for what you treasure as a truly fulfilling friendship.

“Just fucking leave,” he mumbles, turning away from you to look at the sunrise. Your cheeks heat with shame and you stumble to your feet, collecting your belongings as quickly as you can. “You know what the worst fucking part is?” he asks you with humourless chuckle. You shake your head at his question. “If you’d told me how you felt, I probably would’ve just let you down gently and we could’ve just been really good friends because, let’s be honest with each other, you and me would never work.”

Well that fucking cuts deep.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” you feel your blood boiling but you’re trying your best to stay calm.

“Oh come on honey, be serious for a moment. I’m an international musician with albums and awards and sold out stadium tours and you’re a scrappy misfit who wiggled your way into our group because we felt sorry for you.”

“Jesus Christ, Colson! You can be pissed off at me but you don’t have to be fucking cruel.”

You can feel the tears burning in your eyes. Your whole life you’ve just wanted to fit in and find your people. You finally thought you’d achieved that with your friends. He can’t really mean what he’s saying, can he? He’s just lashing out to make himself feel better about what’s happening right now. He’s not really this heartless. You know him well enough to know that he’s not a nasty person. He’s the kindest, gentlest person you’ve ever met, he’s just hurt.

“I kept you around because I felt sorry for you and I made everyone else be nice to you because of it.”

“Bullshit,” your voice cracks and you sniffle. “No, I don’t believe you.”

“Why not, silly girl?” he laughs but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Ashleigh and Sophie would never pretend to be my friend just to keep you happy.”

Suddenly, Colson is on his feet and right in your face, mere inches separating the two of you.

“Yes, they fucking would because that’s what real friends do for each other.”

“No, you’re just scared.”

“Scared? What the fuck do I have to be scared about?”

“Losing me.”

Colson scoffs with such fake indignation that it finally dawns on you exactly what he’s doing. He’s protecting himself to keep from feeling exactly what is happening. He’s losing a best friend that he believes completely betrayed him and spent their whole friendship pretending to be something it wasn’t. You see the frightened little boy behind the bravado and fake ego. You see what he is truly feeling behind those deep eyes. You immediately feel burdened with this unbelievable guilt that you’re willing to do anything to make it go away. You want to hold him, take away all the sadness he’s feeling. Literally transfer it from him to you to lessen all of his pain.

You ease yourself forward slightly, not really sure what your full plan is but relying on pure instinct to get you through. Colson eyes you suspiciously but doesn’t move himself away from you. Curiosity undercutting the frown that has taken over his face. You lightly place your hand on his cheek and he flinches away from your touch. You try to not let that bruise your ego or diminish your confidence. You lean closer to him and lightly feather your lips across his cheek, trying so hard to convey everything you’re feeling in that one small gesture. As you pull away slowly, the temptation of his lips being so close to your own is so hard to resist. You feel as though you may win the battle until his lips part slightly and you’re drawn to them like a moth to a flame.

You press your lips to his, a fire igniting inside you as your fantasy meets your reality. Your lips graze Colson’s for a few moments before he abruptly pulls away. You drop your hand and bite your bottom lip as he stares at you for a moment. You expect him to blast you again, yell at you for trying to take advantage of him in a vulnerable state but instead he reaches for your hand and pulls you flush against him.

“Do that again,” he begs you and you can’t believe what you’re hearing.

You place your hand back on his cheek and you lean up on your tippy toes to slowly close the gap between your lips again. You brush your lips against his and he parts them slightly, allowing you deeper access to explore. You run your tongue along the seam of Colson’s lips and he moans into your mouth. You run your hand up his cheek and into his hair, locking your fingers into the locks of hair at the base of his head. He moans again as you tug slightly, taking the lead.

Colson wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you impossibly close to him. You feel his whole body, every ridge, every line pressed against you. He grabs your thigh to lift your leg so that it’s against his hip and he grinds into you. You groan against his lips and he smiles, repeating the motion which drags the same response from you.

You’re so caught in the moment that you’re not even really sure what’s happening right now. First he’s hurt by you, then he’s cruel to you and now he’s pressing his hardened cock against your core because he enjoys the animistic sounds it causes you to make.

“Wait…” you moan between kisses. “Kells…can…you…” it takes every piece of your soul to pull away but you have to. “Stop!”

Colson immediately lets you go, panting and confused. He’s watching you with a look in his eyes you’ve never seen directed at you before. Need. You want to explore of depth of his need for you right now but his mood swings are giving you whiplash.

“Why are we stopping?” he pants and you can’t help but feel your heart swell at his simple question.

“Because I have no idea what that fuck that was. 2 minutes ago you were kicking me out of your life and now you’re kissing me like your life depends on it. Call me crazy but that’s a pretty quick change in direction, even for you.”

“First of all, ouch, I’m not that indecisive. Secondly, why are you complaining? Isn’t this what you wanted? And thirdly, I…well I don’t know why. When you kissed me, something inside me just flicked and I…No woman has ever turned me on with just a kiss before. Everything just made sense for a second.”

“You like when I kiss you but you don’t think we’d work?”

“Ok, I’m not saying this to be a dick but I really only ever saw you as a friend. Up until last night I didn’t even register that you were a female until I saw you dancing on my coffee table-“

“Ouch!” you place your hand on your chest in hurt.

“You know what I mean. Like I saw you as a friend not as this sexy, woman. I didn’t really notice those big seductive eyes and sultry curves until suddenly they were right in front of me and I had to hide my boner before anyone noticed. I don’t know, something click and then you told me what you told me and I freaked.”

You look at him with your ‘big seductive eyes’ and bite your bottom lip. You like this vulnerable, sexually charged Colson. It’s such a turn on to hear him talk about your body, to know you can get that kind of reaction from him with just a look and a wiggle of your hips. You can see him watching you, trying to read you, drinking you in like a man in the desert. You want so desperately to explore him, roam your tongue and your lips over his flesh but you don’t want to overwhelm either of you. That conversation was such a roller coaster of emotions and confessions that you need to let it all sink in. You’re pretty sure Colson is thinking the same as he leans back against the table.

“Spend the day with me?” he asks softly, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck.

“Of course,” you smile and run your fingers across his cheek. His eyes flutter close at your touch and you can’t help the grin that takes over your face.

[charlieconwayy]

Just curious what you don't like about Cory/Topanga if you feel like talking about it!

hey, i don't mind!

first off i think boy meets world in the context of just a purely heterosexual show makes it age pretty poorly, and that all stems from cory and topanga. i know one of the writers said a while back that the writers room was torn between shory and corpanga, and tbh, rewatching as an adult, that's extremely evident. i'm not gonna make this post all about shory bc that's reductive but i am first and formost a shory girl and a firm believer that cory matthews is a gay man

so let's get into it.

i really really love s1/2 corpanga. idk if it's just bc ben/danielle felt more natural back then or if it's bc they actually allowed cory to be wrong and topanga to be right, but it's just so sweet. one of my all time fav ship moments from the show is the frickin sock basketball scene where they touch hands and he giggles. so adorable! but i think what really makes them suffer after s1 (and kind of s2) is just that they clearly made topanga a normal, kelly kapowski girl-next-door type to make her more "desirable" for the male audience. that could be an entire separate post, but it's so fucking obvious that that's what the change was and it sucks because topanga was great the way she was.

they're not like hatable in season 3 exactly, but the "old married couple haha look how old gross and boring they are" trope when they were legitimately sophomores was just weird? and this is a retrospect thing but i hate how the show just kept retconning shit and pretended they never broke up in season 3, as if a HUGE storyline and one of the most iconic episodes (the happiest place on earth) wasn't about them getting back together? and for me just the concept of the ~universe wanting them to be together~ over and over again is just so fucking lame when they were so toxic. (great video on this here)

they really don't do anything wrong in season 4 either, but a long walk to pittsburgh is honestly so beyond ridiculous LMAO. i know everyone talks about how romantic it is, but i hate it because topanga literally runs away and moves back to philly just for cory. i know they claim it's to finish at john adams too, but i would find that much more believable if they had developed topanga AT ALL outside of cory. we know almost nothing about her home life and they wrote trini out so we never even see any friends of hers! the trend of them fighting and talking down to amy about their love is so fucking stupid too. like you are sixteen. it is fine to love someone and want to be with someone, but amy is right that it's not healthy for them to be as obsessed with each other as they are. like cory literally doesn't know who he is outside of topanga and that's NOT healthy.

oh lordy. s5. i'm not going to get into how much i hate that shawngela (a MUCH happier, more interesting relationship) was reduced to "wanting to be corpanga" in both their intro episode and then fucking gmw, but even the "old married couple" stuff in "chasing angela" at the restaurant is so annoying. "last tango in philly" is one of my fav episodes, but it's the perfect example of how cory can never accept he's wrong. shawn tries to tell him they should stop, and he just tells shawn he knows nothing about relationships and keeps being a dick about topanga and her (obviously gay) friend. but obviously, you're here to hear about how i feel about the cheating. yes, cory cheated and he genuinely liked lauren. for the show to act like he didn't is just gaslighting their audience. and tbh? i think ben and linda cardellini had excellent chemistry (certainly more than he and danielle did at that point . . .) and i think it's completely healthy to date more than one person! it was nice seeing cory be able to open up and bond with someone else, and yes, what he did was cheating. just bc he changed his mind and decided he "couldn't live without topanga" (bless u probably queer writer for what u did w that line :') ) doesn't mean that it didn't happen. topanga had EVERY right to break up with him. it does piss me off that we barely saw topanga's reaction to the breakup when there was a whole ep dedicated to shawn's reaction (and i say that as the #1 shawn stan), but that show hated women lbfr. AND WHY TF WAS IT BAD FOR HER TO KISS JONATHAN JACKSON WHEN SHE AND CORY WERE BROKEN UP????? bc cory can't accept things not going his way and not having control. the "we are a masterpiece" scene makes me so fucking angry omg i cannot

and i mean, bro, the yale shit has been talked about to death, but topanga lawrence going to the same college as straight d-student shawn hunter has got to be the dumbest, most woman-hating shit the show ever did. love can survive long distance if you put the effort in, trust me. (yes i am aware that the show prob didn't want to separate their main couple, but s6 was almost entirely about shawn anyway so????)

then in seasons 6 and 7 we get into the "cory yelling at and publicly humiliating topanga" trend. "undapants" is iconic so i'm not gonna go into that episode (fuck you "take her back to your tornado infested trailer park" line!), but i can name at least seven occasions where cory pressures her into sex. and rider strong is right. it was extremely holier than thou how they constantly made it seemed like corpanga was better than shawngela for not fucking before marriage. like isn't there a line where they call shawngela sluts in s7? the whole honesty bit in "the truth about honesty" (admittedly one of my fav eps) is also just ridiculous bc both of them always get pissed off at the other one for being honest, even in the past. i've seen people get mad at topanga for throwing yale in cory's face but lbr, who didn't see that coming? i guess maybe it's a little weird bc she'd never been resentful about it before, but that's a HUGE thing in their relationship. and yes, it is weird that she's using his razor without his permission but again just the pressuring her to show him her ass is also fucking weird (it's also weird imo that they've been together "their whole lives" but they've only ever kissed, but again, holier than thou bullshit)

one thing i can say about how weak and uninteresting their relationship actually is is that their ENTIRE wedding episode is about shory, bc they are the much more compelling dynamic in cory's life. weirdly enough, i do actually really like cory's vows though?? on a shawn hunter stan note, oblig "that best man speech was bullshit" comment. it's completely normal and healthy to have a best friend outside of your partner? especially when you can't be honest with your partner. god i fucking hate that bullshit. just like how i hate in "seven the hard way/the war" how they portray cory abandoning his best friend/true life partner for topanga AND THEN IN FUCKING GMW THE BAD FUTURE FOR EVERYONE LITERALLY CAME TRUE!!!!!!! omg i will go insane if i think about that for longer than a few seconds.

end of post, but leaving this here

[rocketturtle4]

Why is Akk So Relatable? A self-indulgent reflection.

Heyo so I once again, watched a BL series and related way too hard to a main character so it’s time to write an indulgently long post about said character so I can go back to sleeping normally!

(Previous installments were Arthrit and Tonhon) (@wen-kexing-apologist @plantsarepeopletoo if you wish)

This post is going to be a BIT LOT different from those posts because those posts were about the characters and their arcs and why they felt satisfying. This post is about Akk pulling out my personal self from high school and shoving that individual right in my face for 12 brilliant episodes so rather than leaving me with a vague feeling of being seen and understood, I am instead left with a whole lot of stirred up memories and emotions and so I have no idea where this is going.

Let’s GO

Building up Akks character in my head

In my projecting I feel like Akk probably built up his image of himself through middle school, he probably worked hard and had good grades, he wanted to go to a big school (possibly with Suppalo specifically in mind) and prove himself beyond his roots.

And then he got into it, he actually got in! (his parents are so proud!) and he was grateful and respectful and proud to wear the uniform and uphold the rules. His makes some friends, and these friends are happy to follow his rule abiding ways provided they indulge in some fun from time to time

And now he has authority and he puffs out his chest and uses it wisely because he’s important, because the teachers are relying on him, because his parents are proud of him. He’s doing good afterall.

[Ayan's Dad: "The head of student prefects. My boy!"]

He’s built up this image of who he is, not as a mask but as a genuine identity, He IS respectful and rule-abiding and confident and strong and so he NEEDS to maintain the order because the adults are TRUSTING HIM. (and his parents are proud of him).

And then what happens?

He wants something that's wrong (wrong to him, wrong to his image, wrong to his understanding of himself),

Wanting something is so dangerous to your own self image of (false) perfection. I remember wanting things in highschool, especially the last two years, things I believed I wasn’t supposed to want, things that people around me wanted, but they were teenagers, they had no self control, But I have self control, the adults TRUST ME, I don’t really want these things, If I want these things than all my adults will be disappointed because it turns out I’m just a teenager afterall.

And what does Akk want?

(for the record I am specifically framing the want as a what and not a who because in my context it wasn't a person)

Ayan

(who can blame him)

And then the cracks start to appear, not in his faith in the school, not yet, but in his own self image. Why does he want these things? (Can he have them?) What does wanting these things mean? (Is he bad?) If he takes them…(no don’t think of that).

Since I’m going full self-indulgent-head-cannon I am going to throw in the metaphor for self-falseness that I used in high school

I have erected a glass box around myself, the walls are clear to me and yet not to others, to others they show only the me I have created. Everybody can see into my box and yet no one can see me as I am. Only the perfect me is visible, only the good me, only the smart me, only the respectful me. The me banging on the walls of the glass prison I have erected is silent and invisible to everyone else. Why have I made myself silent? Why have I made myself perfect? and now that I have made myself this way…how can I unmake myself?

To unmake oneself can be the hardest thing of all.

Akk hurts me specifically, because while so many teenagers have a tough time for so many reasons it's normally depicted as so messy and unsure and there’s always these outside stressors on their self-image, or a lack of knowing who they are, and while the teachers in this show are ABSOLUTELY outside stressors that I will be talking about if this ramble ever winds that way, they’re not the primary maker for Akk’s sense of self. They’re a primary reinforcer, because in some ways they’ve stopped seeing him as a teenager, but they didn’t make him that way.

Akk’s pain is due to his internal identity crisis not for wanting something different from his parents or his friends but instead for wanting something different from himself

In this dichotomy of his OWN identity, the who he sees himself as vs the him who wants Ayan is the reason I don’t think I will ever be able to stop thinking about him.

I think the show did this really well (and also actually pulled a LOT of its punches (thank God)) because the thing Akk wanted, both wanted him back and could SEE HIM. Not the him through the box but the him IN the box.

Akk moments that emphasise this dichotomy

Because they’re rotting my brain

His moments with his parents (Original Identity)

[Ayan's Dad: I'll make him wear the uniform and take photos with you.] [Ayan: To make our family proud.]

His moment with Ayans Mum (New Identity) (with flavours of the old because there’s a lot of responsibility firmly tied in with this)

[Ayan's mum: Thankyou for taking care of Aye]

His moments with Mes (Old identity)

[Mes: Just believe in Suppalo's Rules]

He straightens his back in this scene, standing tall and proud at Mes' endorsement

His certainty that he’s bad under it all (new identity)

[Ayan: You know all the bad thing's I've done]

(compared to the perfect image the imperfect wanter must be bad)

His “idol” moment with Namo and the stuff in episode 9 too (old identity and new)

[Namo: Do you realise you've changed]

His teachers (ALL OF IT but here's some examples) (Old identity)

[Teacher Chadok: Then we will finally have peace] [Teacher Waree: This years prefects have performed the poorest of all in terms of controlling the school situations] [Ayan: I'll try harder] [Teacher Waree: Don't let down the one who chose you for the president title]

These moments were a sucker punch, especially in episode 10.

There's also all of Ayan gentle pushing, pulling, prodding and poking and he challenges Akk again and again, while also becoming his pillar of support. (New/changing identity)

There were way more but that's enough

Not with bang but with a whisper

With all this in mind I was fully expecting Akks complete breakdown to be a primary motivator for the curse of episode 11 to strike, I thought he’d be torn in two and lash out at Ayan who started it all.

But the show didn’t do this, and it wouldn’t retrospectively have been right to do so, because Ayan wasn’t passive, Ayan was something Akk already had and so his new identity was grounded and true.

Ayan successfully breaks Akk’s attachment to his perfect self by ripping the wool off Akk’s eyes about Chadok (he thinks it’s the truth anyway, kudos to Thua) and allowing Akk to fully chose Ayan, to choose his own real wants, to choose his own REAL SELF, even as he broke down over and over at this change because his self was still shattered even as Ayan helped make him whole again (not immediately, or perfectly but truly).

Even as it still took time after this to be able to say these things out loud. He could do it, and he could show his true self to the people who mattered.

[Akk's Mum: Whatever is repressed inside, say it.]

And that

It healed something in me.

[sometimesiammybpd]

hi. it's been a minute and i am sorry about that. things have been interesting to say the least and there's a lot i wanna talk about. but i'll save most it for another post. before anything else, i hope you all are doing okay. please drink wawa and eat food if you haven't (when you see this) and if you're struggling right now, know that i see you and i know you're doing your best. <3

uhm yeah, so things haven't been great. i actually felt okay for about a couple weeks. it was weird because it really felt like things were good. like i wasn't mentally broken and like i didn't have bpd or anything. my hypersexuality was (and still is) kicking my ass but otherwise i felt fine. at least that's what i want myself to believe. because once things crashed down, it crashed hard. hard. and all i've felt for the last couple weeks is wanting to die. i feel it right now as of writing this post. but that's not exactly TOS friendly content to talk about and i don't wanna get put on a list because i can't help it that i'd rather be dead in a ditch than continue to live another day. the most recent thing that's happened with me (and the topic of this post) is that i had to cut off two of my friends. it wasn't for any reason similar to why i've had to cut people off in the past, but it wasn't easy. and it hasn't sat right with me since.

i won't name either one of them, even fake names, but one of the two was because it became clear our friendship was one-sided enough that i didn't want to end up repeating the cycle as i have with others before. there was some small irritating things that spawned out of my bpd, but the main issue was the one-sidedness. it just. as a 21 year old, it's not been easy for me to have to adjust to adult friendships compared to what i had as a high-schooler. and i admit that. but at the same time, i never got to talk to them outside of a small instagram chat once in a while. they were one of the many friends i've always had who just never starts a conversation first. and that was the first issue to me. it's always been an issue to me, not just with them because i'm so tired of feeling like i'm trying my best to give 100% to every friendship while the other person only gives 50% if i'm lucky. and this is one of the many things that i'm not entirely sure how to feel about my stance on it. because it's a gray area. people are busy and especially people out of HS, they have jobs, lives, and not enough time anymore to spend every day online. that i understand. but i also never get a hello. a how are you doing? a notion that they even want to talk to me unless i message first. and that's where it gets to me. it genuinely makes me feel unwanted. like if i was a better friend, they'd talk to me. or if i wasn't so negative, or could just control myself better, or whatever. and it just hurts. but what adds to that (and this was the main reason for me with this person) is the fact that they never tried to hang out with me or our mutual friends IRL, ever. or at least, not in the last few months of friendship. and again it's a gray area because of the reasons mentioned above. it makes it so hard to talk about because maybe i am in the wrong. maybe i'm not. i literally cannot tell and i don't think i'd ever be able to get a clear answer because well. i don't think there is one . . . and i don't think i'd want one. but to constantly be told they're too tired to hang when they're also telling me they're hanging with their other friends at the same time got to me in a real way. because i've been there before. i've been there so many times that this time, i just said fuck it. it isn't worth arguing for anymore. i don't have any more energy to fight. my self-worth will always (most likely) be incredibly low and fighting for friendships that will probably just end in similar ways to how they always do for me makes me lose more energy to fight.

i'm fucking tired of the constant one-sided friendships. i felt it justified in hindsight when i was a teenager. because i was so toxic and out of control that i got it after changing why no one would wanna be around me. fuck. i want to sit here and say this over and over, but i've been saying this for longer than i can remember. i've been asking the same questions and the only thing that changes is my level of understanding about the presumed reasonings behind it as i've grown and changed. and by it changing, i mean i understand it less and less and less. i'm just tired of feeling useless. and i will admit, in the last few days of this friendship, i got toxic again. my old ways started flaring up, which i am not proud of. IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE TO AS BAD AS IT WAS BUT IT'S STILL NOT OKAY. and when that happens, it really tells me that this cannot go on for any longer. like genuinely. and i swear, i am not sitting here trying to blame them like as if it was really their fault for this specific thing happening when it's not. it's on me when that happens and it's on me to recognize it and stop it. and i am honestly still not at the point yet where i can understand it BEFORE it shows its ugly head. but i recognize it enough to at least somewhat realize why it's happening and what i need to do to control it even if it's only after it starts, for right now. but yeah. i cut them off because i just can't do it anymore.

the other friend is way more complicated. and tbch, i don't have the energy right now to go into all of it. because our friendship should have ended years ago. multiple times, over and over. and there's reasons why it didn't until now. but that'll be for another post. i'm just so. so tired. everything makes me want to die all of the time and besides my FP, i don't think i'm mentally stable enough to handle anyone else. because one way or another it's going to end the same way as everything else. everything sets me off.

sorry. was kinda expecting this one to be way longer but i just can't right now. i'll update this post when i write the part 2 to link to it. and thanks to whoever stuck around. i promise i'm still here and unfortunately, so is my bpd. but i am not giving up on tumblr, i swear.

i wanna be alone so uh, yeah.

edit: part 2 link

[comfort-writing]

Crayons and Cassettes

Chapter 6: Party at Harrington’s

You are a kindergarten teacher. Eddie’s daughter, Sage, is in your class. Eddie helps you relax after a couple grueling months.

warnings: smoking and drinking. mental health- anxiety- is depicted. this fic will be 18+ in later chapters- minors DNI!! no use of y/n. (please let me know if I missed anything)

a/n: I feel much better about this chapter. btw I totally wanted to get it out last night but I fell asleep after work oops. let me know in the comments or my asks if you want to be added to the tag list! requests are open!

word count: 2.9k

Chapter 1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11 || 12 || 13 || 14 (coming soon!)

Once school was back in full swing, you were busy, to put it lightly. Spring semester was always filled with setting up IEP and 504 recommendations for your students to be analyzed for in the first grade, as well as trying to have every student achieve mastery of all of the state standards. You had to make sure all of your students could write their name without mistakes, tie their shoes, know numbers one through fifty and the alphabet, knew a lot of sight words, and most, if not all, should be able to read basic books.

You were working hard to try and make sure that all of your students achieved. But that didn’t come without sacrifice. You and Eddie still called, but the calls were usually less than twenty minutes, as you needed to grade assignments and lesson plan for the days ahead. You still saw him at pickup line, but instead of those days where you were stressed being few and far between, they were growing more frequent.

You could tell he was getting worried about you. He’d even said it on your last phone call.

“Are you doing okay? You seem really stressed lately.” He cautioned, sounding genuinely concerned.

“Oh, I’m fine. The spring semester is always like this. I’m just not used to having such a large class size is all. They said that next year won’t be so bad. Apparently everyone decided to have babies at the same time that you did.” You joked, trying to downplay your anxiety.

“Is there anything I can do to help you out?”

“I’m not sure… just- being able to talk sometimes is nice. Allows me decompress a little. But if I think of anything else, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Okay..” He said warily, still not quite sure about where your head was really at.

You didn’t want to burden him with anything. You’d always had pretty bad anxiety, but you had learned to manage it pretty well on your own over the years. However, when life got stressful, it was more difficult to deal with, especially due to the fact that you didn’t have much time for yourself.

He’d invited you out to a little get together with his friends the other night. You said you weren’t sure, mainly because you felt like you had a pile of work that needed to get done and taking one night off might put you back. But he mentioned that you didn’t have to stay if you didn’t want to. He just wanted you to meet his friends- it was a casual hang out, nothing serious. You hesitantly agreed, thinking that maybe this might help you chill out a little bit.

It was tonight. Eddie said he’d drive you, which you appreciated, as despite you living in Hawkins since the summer, you still didn’t know your way around town outside of the main roads. You were standing in your closet, trying to decide what to wear.

Casual. Cute. Nothing too sexy or serious. Just- regular clothes. You should have something like that, right? You dug through your closet. It didn’t help that the majority of your wardrobe consisted of colorful dresses you wore to your kindergarten class. Honestly, dressing for five year olds was easier than dressing for adults, in your opinion. You decided on a pair of jeans and a light, comfortable sweater. It was nearing March, so it wasn’t snowing anymore, but it was still cold out. You put on your everyday makeup that you wore to school and tied back your hair, pulling out a few strands to frame your face. Earrings, bracelets, watch. Easy. Cute, comfortable, casual. You grabbed a pair of white sneakers and threw them on. Just as you were finishing tying your left shoelace, you heard a knock at the front door.

You answered the door, “Hey, Eds, come on in. I just have to grab my purse.” You said, letting him into the entryway.

“You look nice.” He smiled genuinely.

You were in a bit of a rush, the anxiety still having a hold on you, “Ah- thanks.” You said quickly, rushing to the living room to grab your bag. You walked back to Eddie, eyes looking a little worried, “Ready to go?” You asked, almost walking past him to head out the door.

He stopped you, placing both hands on your shoulders, “Hey.. Take a breath. Relax.” He said, taking a deep breath, eyeing you to follow suit. You did, relaxing your shoulders a bit. “This is supposed to be fun. You deserve a break. You’ve been wearing yourself out. One night off isn’t going to cause your kids to fail.” He reassured you.

You took another deep breath, “I know… I know. It’s just been a bit much is all. I want my students to succeed.”

“And they will.” He insisted. “But they can’t do that without your help. And how can you really help them if you’re so stressed all the time? You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of them.”

You sighed, “Yeah.. you’re right.” His words were reassuring enough for now.

“Okay. Let’s go have fun, yeah? And remember, if it’s too much, we can just leave. There’s no pressure for you to stay. I’ll drive you home and you can work or relax.” He said, squeezing your shoulders gently before letting go. You nodded, and he opened the front door for you, locking it behind you guys before walking you to his van.

Before you had the chance to open your own door, Eddie jogged over and opened it for you, taking a grandiose bow. You laughed, for what felt like the first time in at least a week. Ever the gentleman. He walked over to the drivers side after shutting your door, and the two of you pulled off to drive to Steve’s.

The moment you arrived at the cute little corner lot house, Eddie jumped out and opened the car door for you, taking your hand and helping you out of the car. He gave it a quick squeeze before letting it go.

You guys walked up to the door, and Eddie just waltzed right on through the door. You felt bad just walking into a strangers house, so you stood in the doorway for a moment. “Sup Harrington, you big lug.” Eddie laughed, wrapping an arm around Steve’s shoulder and bending him to ruffle his hair. Steve laughed and shoved him off, then noticed you in the doorway.

“Hey, come on in, don’t be shy.” He smiled warmly.

You stepped further into the entry way and shut the door behind you. Steve walked over to you and stuck his hand out, shaking yours politely, “Steve. Nice to meet you.” You told him your name and once you’d been introduced, Steve and Eddie walked you to the living room to meet the rest of the group. Everyone seemed warm and welcoming enough.

The younger bunch were back for spring break, so everyone had a lot to catch up on. You mainly listened to the conversation, just taking everything in. You sat at the end of the sofa, with Robin next to you and Eddie squatted on the arm rest. You’d been chatting with her, finding out the two of you had a lot in common.

“You want a drink?” Robin offered, getting up to go grab one for herself.

“Uh, sure. What do you have?” You asked.

She reached her hand out, you took it, and she helped you off of the couch, “We’ve got a lot, and I’m not even sure what all there is.” She chuckled as you followed her to the kitchen. She swung open the fridge like she lived there and reached in the back, grabbing a beer before leaning on the freezer and allowing you to scan the contents. You grabbed some premade cocktail in a can before shutting the door.

“So.. you and Eddie, huh?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows at you.

You couldn’t fight the red tint that flooded your cheeks, “Ah- well.. not really?” You said, shrugging your shoulders.

Robin frowned and cracked open her beer, taking a swig, “What’s the holdup? He’s like, toootally into you. And if I could bet on it, I’d put down money and say that you’re into him.”

You sighed, “That’s already been established.”

She gave you a confused look, “So.. why aren’t you two a thing?”

“My job. Unfortunately, it’s like, illegal for me to date a parent. Plus, in this town, it’s not like we can be secretive about it- gossip runs rampant.”

“Ah- yeah, I guess that makes sense. Don’t worry., my lips are sealed”

“Thanks. But it still kinda sucks though.” You chuckled, bumping her shoulder

“I feel that. When I was in college, my girlfriend and I had to be like, mega-cautious around everyone. I know it’s not the same, but I know what it’s like to have to hide how ya feel.” She reassured.

“Thanks Robin.” You smiled, taking a sip of your drink.

She nodded and the two of you walked back to the couch, finding Eddie laid out where the two of you previously sat. Robin groaned and shoved him, trying to get him to move off of the couch. He rolled off, hitting the ground with a thud, and you and Robin quickly scrambled over him and into your seats, giggling. Eddie laughed and pointed an accusatory finger, “I knew I shouldn’t have introduced the two of you.”

You and Robin shared a knowing look and laughed, watching as he got up off of the ground and moved to sit on the armrest once again, leaning against the back of the couch and resting his arm on the cushion above your shoulder.

After a while of sitting and listening to his buddies laugh and tell old stories, with you chiming in at certain points, Eddie leaned down to whisper in your ear, “I’m gonna go out back for a smoke. Want to come with?” He asked.

You nodded and followed him through the house and onto the back patio. You sighed into the cold March air, seeing your own breath. He took a cigarette and a lighter out of his jacket pocket. He offered you one, to which you politely declined, before lighting it and taking a drag.

“You having a good time?” He asked, leaning over the patio’s railing and looking into the backyard.

You matched his position, “Yeah. Your friends are really nice.” You smiled.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. You deserve to.” He told you, leaning over and bumping your shoulder with his own.

You hummed and looked up, seeing the starry sky. It made you feel small, but not in a bad way.

“Just think, only two more months and you’re home free.” He mused.

You giggled, “You mean we’re home free.”

He smiled, “Well yeah, but I was mainly talking about you. You’ve been so stressed lately with all the hard work you’ve been doing.” He paused, looking over to you, “I’ve been worried about you. I mean, I haven’t known you that long, but I can tell that all of it has had an effect on you.”

You sighed, turning around to face the house. You placed your hands on your face and dragged them down, “I know.” You grumbled, your voice muffled by your hands. You let them fall and rested your elbows on the railing, leaning back. “I just feel like I haven’t had a moment to breathe since January. Spring semester is normally stressful, but it’s usually not this bad.”

Eddie nodded, taking another drag of his cigarette, letting you continue.

“I just- anxiety is a bitch, you know?”

Eddie laughed at that, coughing through it as the smoke spilled from his lungs. “Boy do I know it.” He said, once he’d gained his bearings. “But like I said, only two more months. You’re almost there. And really, I know I’ve already said this, but if you need any help with anything, you let me know, okay?”

You nodded and leaned your head on his shoulder, “Thank you, Eddie.” You whispered. He smiled and kissed the top of your head before laying his own on top of yours. The two of you stayed like that for a few minutes, enjoying each others silent company as Eddie finished his cigarette, making sure to blow the smoke away from you.

He snubbed out the end of his smoke in the little ashtray on the railing before looking down at you, “Ready to go back in?” He asked quietly.

“Do we have to? This is so nice.” You pleaded.

“You’re shivering. You’re going to freeze to death.”

“Ugh, fine. If we have to.” You groaned dramatically.

He laughed and wrapped his arms around you, rubbing your arms quickly to warm you up, “Come on, cutie.” He said, walking you back inside.

You laughed as you two walked back into the house, feeling yourself begin to defrost as you walked back to the living room together. You plopped back down next to Robin and she gave you a silent wink, to which you rolled your eyes and smiled.

Around ten, everyone was heading out, so you and Eddie followed suit. You said goodbye to everyone, you and Robin exchanging numbers, and Steve giving you a big bear hug. Eddie walked you out to his van, opening the door for you before climbing in himself. The two of you drove home, laughing and recalling funny things that people had said that night, listening to the radio on a low volume.

Once he pulled up to your house, he walked you to your door. “Hey, thank you for tonight. I had fun.” You smiled, leaning against your door frame.

“Me too. I’m glad you came along.” He had one hand in his jacket pocket as he used his thumb to fiddle with the rings on his other hand.

You looked up at him. He looked so handsome in the moonlight. You looked around for a moment, taking in that nobody was on the street and the neighbors’ lights were off.

“Are they planning anything like this again soon?” You asked.

“Not that I know of, but I’ll let you know when we do.”

You nodded, taking a step closer to him. “Really.. thank you.” You said sincerely as you wrapped your arms around him in a hug. He was a little surprised, but he hugged you back, wrapping one arm around your waist and using the other to rub your back.

To an outsider, the hug may have look like it lasted too long, but neither of you cared. You just enjoyed each others warmth and physical contact in that moment. You could have been there forever and neither of you would have noticed.

You pulled away slightly, looking up at him. He smiled softly down at you. You glanced around one last time before looking back up at him. You could have cut the tension with a knife.

After a moment, Eddie bent down and whispered in your ear, “You’re making it very hard not to kiss you right now.”

You squeezed him closer, taking a steady breath before whispering back, “I never said you couldn’t.”

He pulled back and looked around like you had already done, making sure nobody was around. Your porch light was off, so nobody could really see you guys anyways. He looked back at you for confirmation that this was okay. You nodded.

He didn’t waste another moment before leaning down and capturing your lips in his own, moving one hand to hold your cheek as he did so. His lips were warm and soft and he tasted faintly of cigarettes, but you didn’t mind. You felt like you were surrounded by him: his lips, his hair, his tall and lean figure. He smelled like smoke and some sort of warm and spicy cologne.

He kissed you gently, not looking for anything more than this. You melted into it, your arms wrapping around his shoulders lazily. Neither of you knew how long it lasted, it could have been a second or it could have been an eternity. But when he pulled back, the both of you feeling a little breathless, it felt too soon.

The two of you shared a look before smiling at each other. He leaned down and kissed your temple sweetly before he pulled away, your arms falling to your sides and feeling empty. “I’ll see you tomorrow at pickup?” He whispered.

You nodded dumbly, and watched him step off of your front porch. “Good night, beautiful.” He said with a wink, heading back to his car. You wanted to say good night as well, but you felt as though your voice would betray you in that moment, so you silently unlocked your door and walked inside your house, locking it behind you.

You leaned against your front door, taking a moment to let it all sink in.

Man, you felt like a teenager again.

Tag list: @mcueveryday @bebe0701 @emma77645 @edsforehead @manda-panda-monium @nina211544

[stxrliasfics]

TW: MENTIONS OF SA; GROOMING. PLEASE SCROLL IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

I wanted to share my takes on the Pod Meets World ep and the new Quiet on Set documentary that is out. This is going to be a long-winded blog post. I'll put a keep reading divider up so that no one will be bombarded while scrolling through their dash. I'd like to have a civil, adult conversation about this so if you decide to join in, please keep it mature.

In light of recent events with the whole Pod Meets World episode and the Quiet on the Set documentary coming out, it really opened my eyes more. I think a lot of fans have parasocial relationships with these stars, holding them on a pedestal, and forgetting that they are still real human beings who are prone to doing shitty human things. This is a reminder for me too. This is something I definitely need to break out of. And I'm mentioning this because it really did hurt to hear Drake Bell's story and how he really didn't get an apology. If what he said was true about Will and Rider only coming out with their episode after being notified about the documentary, then they deserve all the heat that they get. At first, I commended them for telling their stories on that creep Brian Peck and discussing their feelings during the court case. But now it seems disingenuous. I haven't gotten to watch the documentary aside from tidbits because I don't have a streaming service that I could watch it on, unless it comes on cable. And I haven't gotten to see the full Pod Meets World episode apart from the clips of Will talking so I plan on catching up and educating myself as much as I can. The guys apparently weren't told what was going on in the case and were blindsided by this. In no way am I doubting that they were groomed as well. But Drake mentioned that they were told everything by Peck before they wrote the letters and still decided to write them. That's insane in itself. As a CSA survivor and someone who was groomed and sexually harassed by an older "friend", it was disheartening to hear that my favorite actors were pretty much complicit and trying to save themselves when they realized their dirty work was being unsealed. And I didn't want to believe it when I read more on the info last night but it served me a reminder that these were real people outside of the characters. Obviously I know that, but Boy Meets World is one of my comfort shows and obsessions so it hurt to hear that. Although I enjoy the characters, I have to keep reminding myself not to get attached to the actors and actresses who play them. I brought the parasocial relationship thing up because that's what it felt like was radiating from the BMW reddit forum as well. Some of the people there were up in arms to defend them, saying "It was a different time period. They were told that Drake was coming on to Peck." DOES THAT NOT SOUND INSANE?? I’m pretty sure that they were told Drake was underaged, I can't remember too much from the podcast clips. If they knew, how did they not question it more before coming to court and writing the letters?? Not to mention that other people were reached out to write a letter for Brian and many declined. Were they already told about the case?? Were they only given small details just like Will and Rider?? My guess is that they already sensed how weird Peck was and got a bad feeling from his request. I would've thought that Will and Rider would have more common sense in something like this. But again, I don't know these people personally. None of their fans do.

And I will repeat once again, I'm not invalidating the guys' experience with Peck either. I wouldn't put it past Hollywood that the cast of BMW were all groomed and violated when they were younger too. The adults could've even been violated just as easily as well. From the clips that I've seen of Will talking about Peck, he seemed very genuine and remorseful. I’m sure that they were regretful. It's just that after hearing what Drake said about them not apologizing and them making the episode after the doc announcement, it feels off. Will admitted that he would like to apologize to Drake personally and Drake apparently isn't interested in an apology. Who can blame him? Would I accept an apology from anyone who stood up for my abuser? I don't think so. And Will had time to reach out to Drake before. Was it embarrassment that stopped him? And Brian could’ve very well lied to them. My own groomer is still walking around lying and gaining support from others.

The best research I could do was from forums, comment sections, and small clips, so please bear with me. I will educate myself more on the matter. But I felt the pain of every child actor that was affected because it reminded me of my own experiences and I'm upset with this new knowledge. We, of course, know what Drake was convicted of. I'm not mentioning that to take away from his trauma nor side with what he's done. But I've seen some people bring up this point at the mention of his experience with Brian Peck, invalidating him being sexually assaulted by this man. Firstly, I think that's absurd. We can still feel sympathy for Drake even if he isn't a good person.

The fact that Dan Schneider and Brian Peck are able to walk free TO THIS FUCKING DAY MAKES ME SICK!!! How the fuck was Peck only given 16 months in jail?????? They would've both been a bag of fucking bones by now underneath the cement of the jail if they hurt my kid. My next question is, what do we do about the child stars who are apart of these companies now? The ones who are still getting deals with Disney and Nickelodeon?? Just because Schneider and Peck were called out doesn't mean that ALL of the pedos under these companies are gone. All of the children affected deserve justice.

[notascreepyasyouthink]

You dont have to answer this if you don't want to, but what helped you break free from the mormon religion? What was the big push? I just think it's all super interesting and awesome to see people with the strength to get out. I'm proud of you in case no one else said it.

thank you so much, anon!! to be honest, there were a lot of factors that went into me leaving, but a lot of it had to do with me being queer.

up until i was a teenager, i didn't realize exactly how miserable being in the church made me. my entire life i had been told that i couldn't be as happy on the outside, that the rest of the world was cruel and uncaring in comparison. but i felt so disconnected from everything. i never really fit the norm. i hated wearing dresses because of gender dysphoria and the way they felt on my skin. i got bullied and ostracized by the girls my age because i was noticeably queer and autistic.

the first time i met another trans person was in my ward when i was about 9, and she basically got kicked out of the congregation when she came out and started wearing skirts to church. we were good friends and i got really upset because i didn't understand why the rest of the adults were so rude to her. my mom sat me down and had a long talk about how her skirt and long hair were "inappropriate in the house of the lord" and that she was "ruining heavenly father's creation" by transitioning. (she also said that her wife would leave her, but last i heard from them, they're still together!)

all of that never felt right to me, but because the church was all i knew, i stayed. but then i had a few important realizations and friendships. i realized i was queer when i was in high school, i started exploring my identity, and i made some friends who were in the same boat i was. and halfway through high school, most of my friend group wasn't mormon. then i realized how much happier i was around them. i could be genuine around these friends, and they were genuine with me.

and it just hit me how unhappy i was in the church. i couldn't stand to be a part of a religion that advocated against me any longer.

i decided to leave when i was about 16. when i did, i told all of my friends on the outside and we celebrated together. i felt so relieved for the first time in my life. i found a community of people who loved me unconditionally, and i learned that life outside of the church could be so much better than i thought.

sorry, that was a bit of a rant, but thanks for asking, i never mind talking about my experience leaving.

[karofsky]

Yesterday I found out a friend of mine passed, which was very sudden. He was battling cancer late last year, and was on the mend, and I guess something just happened so fast, and then he was gone.

I'm okay; regrettably, if you've known me since I've been around for a bit, I'm no stranger to losing friends, and especially regarding cancer. It's a shitty fucking thing that tends to plague those I care about, and I hope to at least live on to see at least some regression of diseases in the world. It's all I can hope for.

It's just... a weird feeling now. He and I were not as close these last few years, due to my moving and just some general friend group shuffling and collapsing. I regret not talking to him more, but I kept up on him and his wife (another friend), and in this day and age, that's pretty good for me.

But he was also the first friend I made as an adult. Not from school, not a friend of a friend, not a coworker, not someone I knew from online. I met him at a con, alone. I was lost looking for a friend, and he was dressed to the fandom I was in at the time (DA). I loved his cosplay, so I stopped him for a picture, and we talked for a few minutes before I mentioned my friend was also cosplaying DA, and they weren't answering my texts. He ended up already knowing them, and, being lost at my first con, I asked him if he could text me if he ran into them, and quickly shoved my contact into his phone. As far as I know, I was still "[Robin], Lost" in it, because that's what I entered, and he always told me he never changed it.

He was an older brother to me, after that. Genuinely one of the kindest people I'd ever met, and he introduced me to a lot of people I later called friends. He had no issue taking detours to pick me up at my house or from the train station, and in fact, was the first to offer every time. I went to the con with him where he met his wife. A few months later, he brought her to a cosplay gathering for the first time, and as he was driving me home after an event he thanked me for making her feel welcome. We had a long chat about his life and his relationships, and how much he really cared for his then-girlfriend. They were inseparable after that. I think I can count one time when I hung out with either of them alone post that car ride. Really just a wonderful pair, and I couldn't imagine it being any other way.

He was always the first person to hug me goodbye when our friend group all hung out. I wish I could remember what he said to me one time that got me teary-eyed, but I'm sure he'd just make fun of me for having a shitty memory, and then realize he couldn't remember it either, and I'd roast him right back.

Death is weird. I'm not... sad about it anymore. Not with all of the death that's touched my life. It's all a bit melancholy now, and in the end, I really just think about how fortunate I am to have years or months or days or hours or minutes behind me. I wish I had more with him, and I wish things had been different, but ultimately I'm happy I had him in my life, and that I can keep carrying him on. He'd hate it if we were all just a mess anyway, so I guess I'll hold down that fort on his behalf, lol.

Here's my favourite pictures of him I've taken, where for whatever reason, both of us were just being toddlers in the middle of an Islands. I don't remember the context outside of that.

Rest easy. Don't haunt me.

[ilikereadingactually]

When Women Were Dragons

When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill

WOW. just fucking WOW.

i love Kelly Barnhill. Iron-Hearted Violet is still one of my favorite books of all time; at the moment in my life when i read it, i was shocked by its gentleness, by how kind it was to me, The Reader, specifically. if books are friends (and they are), that book was a friend who took the time to look at me clearly and offer love.

this book feels like that friend and i both grew up a little, lived some more life, suffered some more losses, and found each other again. it's rare to feel so exquisitely seen in a way that's more subtle than representation or relatability, even though those things are at play here for me. it's more that the ache of longing in this story called to me, and both soothed and validated my answering ache.

this is all a flowery way of saying i fucking loved this book. i cried a ton. i couldn't put it down. the narrator Alex was so incredibly real and strong and flawed; her wild sister Beatrice captured my heart immediately; the struggles of the adults in their orbit and the wider world around them were fascinating and complicated. i very desperately want this to be a tv series. what a premise!! sometimes women turn into dragons!!!! deal with it!!!!!!!

the deets

how i read it: devoured the ebook on Libby, and i will be buying this one for myself as soon as the holidays are over.

try this if you: suffer under the patriarchy, have ever struggled to be your genuine self and either managed it or didn't, like dragons in your feminism and feminism in your dragons, or dig historical fantasy (set beginning in the 1950s, specifically). also...listen. i know this is narrowcasting, but if you ever skinny dipped with your friends in a fountain in the middle of the night at a women's college as part of the experience of learning to rebel against the norms of your baby boomer parents, i think you will vibe with this.

some bits i really liked: beautiful words and wounding words

Beatrice and I were made for each other. We were the paired wings of a dragonfly, or lightning with its necessary thunderclap, the spinning dance of binary stars.

___

Just before the front door flew open and my aunt stomped outside, my mother paused on the front stoop. She called to her sister's retreating figure, "Come back when you choose a normal life. Get a husband. Have a child. Maybe then we can be friends again." My aunt didn't turn around. I saw her chest expand, hold, and slowly contract. She tilted her face to the sky. "All right," she said at last. "I'll see what I can do."

___

Winter settled in, and the world froze. And then it thawed. And then it flooded. And then, once again, everything overran with heat and green and aching buds and swollen flowers and life in abundance. I was in too foul a mood to notice.

[khaoray]

top 10 kdrama couples? and top 10 romantic kdramas? (i wanna watch something with good romance haha)

oh nonnie this is gonna be a challenge but i will do my absolute best. one thing you need to know about me and my taste in romance is that i'm really not here for straight up fluff. i need a bit of melodrama and angst to keep me invested. gonna stick it under a read more bc i feel it's gonna get lengthy asdfghjk

couples:

ji ho and jeung in (one spring night) - they invented being in love and facing your problems with maturity and they're just so important to me.

kang doo and moon soo (just between lovers) - if there's one thing i love in my romance it's angst and hurt people learning to heal together and literally no one does it like them. kang doo remains my favourite junho role too, so.

kyeo rye and yeon joo (if you wish upon me) - similar to jbl tbh kyeo rye is such a broken man at the start of the drama and watching him slowly fall in love and heal from years and years of trauma destroyed all of my emotions.

gong myung and se ra (into the ring) - THE childhood friends to rivals to friends to lovers ship!!!!! no one does it like they do honestly they're THE standard when it comes to emotional maturity.

joong gil and ryeon (tomorrow) - listen if you were around last year then you know just insane they made me. soulmates defying literal fate to end up together after centuries of trauma they make me so sick.

cheoljong and so bong (queen cheorin) - THE standard for enemies to lovers. nothing has ever been able to replicate the buzz they gave me week to week.

seon gyeom and mi joo (run on) - the softest couple on this entire list actually i think. they're just so sweet and cozy and safe and i love them so much.

taejun and taeyang (love all play) - my babies!!!! the drama itself kinda sucks but theyyyyy. one of the most mature relationships i've ever seen in a drama actually like we love a couple that actively talk about their issues and try to overcome them together.

vincenzo and cha young (vincenzo) - enemies to coconspirators to lovers excellence honestly who is doing chemistry like them. they're just so sexy.

dong jin and woo joo (call it love) - hi hello it's another instance of two traumatised people falling in love and finding happiness together what can i say i have a TYPE.

dramas:

one spring night - i've already talked about why i love this drama so much so i won't do it again but just know. i love it so so much it's so important to ME.

just between lovers - another one i've talked about a lot at this point but outside of the romance, this drama is just so GOOD. it deals with a lot of heavy themes so i'd advise discretion but it's so worth it imo. but just 10/10 experience wish i could go back and watch it again for the first time.

if you wish upon me - i love it for a lot of the same reasons i love jbl they're very similar imo. also. kyeo rye is the most character of all time i genuinely don't think ji chang wook is ever topping him.

into the ring - underrated!!!! underrated!!!!!!!!! underrated!!!!!!!!!!!! y'all slept on this one so hard and i still haven't forgiven you. i love romance between two grown adults who actually act their age and don't fall victim to stupid tropes.

run on - this drama makes me feel so cozy and safe and fuzzy idk man it's just pure good vibes for my soul.

call it love - if you love dramas that are slow, where a lot is said with very little dialogue and where the colour grading tells you a lot about the characters emotional states then boy do i have the drama for you.

witch's romance - can i interest you in twinky park seo joon in love with uhm jung hwa??? bc that's what this drama has to offer and it's so fun. it might be a bit dated now bc it came out in 2014 but i had such a good time when i first watched it.

queen cheorin - aside from the last half of the last episode i had such a good fun time watching two absolute idiots fight tooth and nail against falling in love with each other. when are we ever getting that level of chemistry again???

moon embracing the sun - alright i'm gonna be honest i don't actually remember all that much of this one anymore. i only watched it because kim soo hyun's in it. but i watched it as it was airing and it emotionally destroyed me so that's gotta count for something.

first love hatsukoi - yeah yeah it's not korean it's japanese but it's also the best show i've watched in the last year so!!!!! y'all can just take my rec and live with it. please please PLEASE watch it it's one of the most beautiful dramas i've ever seen and all four of the main actors are absolutely incredible in it.

[spring-lxcked]

taking a small break to ramble incoherently abt my portrayal of william in what will be a very confusing post lmao

i'm thinking about how my portrayal, which draws inspiration from two specific characters at times, and how i apply that inspiration to william (which started off as the focus of the post before it derailed how did this get so long i'm sorry)

the first is (and i do hate to make this comparison ngl) my portrayal of kok.ichi over on @takinghisbow. i mean, one of the running themes of the blog is the "mask" kok.ichi wears to conceal his true emotions and i've consistently tried to keep myself from falling into that exact turn of phrase on this blog for the most part. these are two characters who do not want you to actually know anything about them and hide everything from intentions to feelings to expressions (yes hello i have realized in the last year that i mask in public thanks for noticing). the obvious differences between these two are motivation (kok.ichi is motivated by trust issues and self-hatred, william is motivated to try to cover up his misdeeds) and method (kok.ichi acts antagonist/annoying to push people away, but william acts falsely kind to draw people in while still keeping them at an arm's length). kok.ichi has questionable morals, but tries to be good where it counts. william is a terrible person and has no intentions of changing that, although he can be kind to those he likes if it isn't "a burden" to him.

the other character (who i also tentatively write) is hann.ibal lec.ter (specifically the NB.C portrayal). and i've said it before, but "you're not a person, you're a monster wearing a person-suit" is william-coded lmao. they're both monsters, and yet capable of caring. they are not incapable of empathy or sympathy, but choose how to wield it. outside of their very horrific hobbies, nobody would ever think they were killers. both are surrounded by death, and yet not suspected because nobody could ever believe they'd do it (until it's too late).

going into making this blog, i was very adamant that i wanted a complex portrayal that didn't fall too far into generic movie serial killer stereotypes. we don't throw around potentially offensive terms like "psychopath" or "sociopath" here. we don't suggest that lack of empathy = bad person here. i also was very, very loathe to do the whole "evil guy looks Totally Evil and is so obviously creepy" because it quite literally made little sense to me. how is this guy killing so many kids and not getting suspected if he screams "Serial Killer" just by looking at him? if he's antagonistic and creepy and clearly threatening? and in that same vein i wanted to avoid "bad person is bad all the time 24/7, never does anything decent ever" because i live for nuance, not the chr.istian fund.amentalist black/white thinking i grew up in. i wanted him to be irredeemably, unmistakably evil without losing the fact that evil people are humans, and humans are capable of great evil if they choose.

i want the moments where he's being decent—a seemingly good friend, father, or romantic partner—to be almost disarming. because, while william is perfectly capable of caring for people, his actions (both in what he does and what he doesn't do) are intentional. always. his sense of humor with his adult friends or romantic partners is half because he genuinely enjoys joking around and half because he wants to be viewed a certain way. funny. normal. just one of your buddies. him doting on his kids is because he loves them, but also because he needs for everyone—both the kids and the community—to be able to say, "What a good father, he would never hurt anyone (and especially not a child)." when he resists showing anger (whether entirely or just the full extent of it) toward someone he's upset with, this is part of the persona. when he pretends to like someone he dislikes, this is part of the persona. when he agrees to something he doesn't want to do, this is part of the persona.

it's part of what makes sprin.gtrap seem so different from william prior to the springlo.ck incident. william is throwing everything behind his persona. he's a calculating man, even when he's genuinely enjoying himself. he can be truly having a nice time with someone, but the thought of how this is benefitting his persona is always in the back of his mind. you're just another character witness to william. after the springlo.ck incident, there's no longer a point. the persona is gone. get ready to meet the real man beneath it.

[spamlets-blog]

sooo long story but

tw grooming

(story below the cut)

i’ll preface this with saying that i was 12-13 at the time of it happening

so basically i was in a discord server, and the adults were WAYYY too comfortable sharing sexual content with minors. and they were really overprotective of it too—when then callout post eventually dropped they got really, genuinely upset that they weren’t able to talk about sexual content in the same channels that had kids.

anyways, i was a regular in the server and fairly close with the server owner. he was 23? 24? potentially 26? i think at the time, and just. yeah, he and his group were simply way too comfortable sharing sexual content explicitly to minors, to the point that any outsider would definitely be able to look in and be like: “hey! what the fuck! why are you sharing that with a 13 year old?”

over time they encouraged me to share many personal details about myself!! which is very bad!!!

on one hand i technically got some very comprehensive sex ed, but on the other hand i got WAY too comfortable sharing sexual information with adults (thus the grooming part, as well as my emotional attachment to the adults in the server that came with it).

and thats the story of how i got groomed on discord

some may argue that it technically may not have been grooming (though i think if you had seen it directly you would think that it was) and may say something like, “maybe they were just some well intentioned adults!” but either way they were wildly irresponsible and also actively giving a dangerous impression to me and the other minors on the server that it was appropriate and okay to share information about our sexual activities to adults on the internet. it took a while to realize that their behavior was completely inappropriate (and potentially illegal), especially to a 12-13 year old.

i thought i was SO COOL for being in an “adult server” talking about “adult topics” and that’s how they got me! that’s how i ended up in that trap! so if anyone ever says “you’re so mature for your age” online you should block them and run the hell away

personally it wasn’t really… traumatic in any sense, it just kind of made me go “i need to be more careful on the internet and maybe not trust adults as much as i used to”. i dont really need any sort of hugs or consolation over it because i kind of don’t really care haha, i hope all the adults in that server get fucked (metaphorically) but besides that i dont really have any lasting bad memories (besides. i mean. the obvious)

anyways, more on the callout post:

it dropped in like. the middle of the day, without any warning. everyone started freaking out, including me, and we all got very paranoid and very defensive. the owner was like “how dare they target a person with a small platform using their much larger one!!” and things like that? and also as i said earlier, all of the adults in the “inner circle” of the server (aka friends with the owner) got incredibly angry about being exposed for talking to kids in a wildly inappropriate manner.

afterwards, they separated the channels into nsfw (adult only) and not nsfw (open for anyone), but they were genuinely so mopey about it. they were genuinely distressed about it. i literally think about this all the time like even ignoring some of the other things there is no reason for any sane adult to be sad that they don’t get to talk about their sexcapades to kids anymore, like what the hell thats insane actually

im fairly sure i was the main focus, since i was the youngest of the minors on the server at the time

one of the things i do think was wildly irresponsible about the callout post though was definitely the fact that one of the victims (i was one of like. 3? 4? maybe 5) had her face as a profile picture, and the burner didnt even bother to censor it. i remember her freaking out in my dms because of it, and to this day i do still think it’s crazy that they did a callout post on someone putting children in danger, and then did something that. well. put a child in danger.

they also shared screenshots that contained a lot of my and other victims personal information in their callout doc, once again something that was endangering and unnecessary.

i think calling out dangerous people in the community was extremely necessary, however they should have put more effort into protecting the victims as well, and if we asked them to take some things down they should have listened (i specifically very much remember the girl asking them to hide her face in the screenshots after the post went out and they said she was “defending the groomer” for asking such a thing (despite being a victim of him herself??)

that was certainly a situation!! and i dont really think back on it much beyond “huh, that happened”