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builtbybrokenbells · 2 months ago

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belladonna | vii (pt. 2)

Too beautiful to resist, and too deadly to survive; the tragic tale of belladonna in all its glory.

masterlist | taglist

Pairing: Daniel Wagner x f!reader

Word Count: 17k

Warnings: Please heed the warnings very carefully and understand that the scenes and themes in this chapter can be extremely triggering and/or upsetting to some readers. This is a detailed and extensive list, but please inform me if I miss something, and it will be added immediately.

ALL OC—abusive/toxic romantic relationships, graphic scenes/potrayals of abusive relationships and domestic violence, choking/strangulation, mentions of SA/previous sexual trauma, roofies, non-consensual sex, coercion, mentions of grooming, verbal abuse, insults, name-calling, punching, spitting, mental illness/descriptions/behaviour of bipolar episodes, overdose, mentions of previous OD, descriptions of overdose (stimulants & narcotics), heavy descriptions of addictions/addicts/addict behavior, heavy mentions/descriptions of drug use (stimulants/narcotics), mentions of drug related bodily issues/trauma, heavy mentions of relapsing, trauma bonds, descriptions of toxic/abusive parents, death of family members, descriptions involving and describing child abuse and neglect, PTSD/CPTSD behaviors/reactions/explanations, dissociation, trauma, triggered trauma responses, near death experiences, suicidal ideation, mentions of death/dying, absent parents, death of a parent, parents with active addictions, missing persons, police stations/reports, mentions of criminal activity/criminal records, poverty, crying, mentions of blood/scenes with blood/bleeding, vomit, extreme emotional distress, mentions of cheating, mentions of AA/NA, NA meetings, fighting, yelling, drinking, flirting, mentions of hookups/sex, smoking, depression/anxiety, sorry if I miss any 🤍

As always, please feel free to reach out to me if you need an ear, and know that you are not alone in whatever troubles you are facing. I’ve also included a list of helplines and resources for anyone who may be in need of them. I love you all so dearly.

Emergency substance abuse hotline (US): 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

Canadian Mental Health and Addictions Phone Line: 1-833-553-6983

Virtual NA meetings and support (worldwide)

Canada’s complete comprehensive list of addiction helplines, inpatient/outpatient programs, and family support per province | UNITED STATES

Canada’s comprehensive list of domestic and family violence helplines and resources | UNITED STATES HOTLINE

Canada’s guide to mental health help and crisis intervention | UNITED STATES

If you are struggling with addiction or know someone who is, remember to inquire about Nalaxone kits at your nearest pharmacy, as many in Canada are active participants of the program. At participating locations and clinics, Nalaxone kits are free of charge and accessible without a prescription or healthcare card. It is a fantastic and life saving tool to have on hand while waiting for EMS. There is also free online courses for Nalaxone training to anyone who is interested.

Remember, no matter what is portrayed in fiction or media, the safest course of action for anyone suffering from an overdose (accidental or intentional) is to call 911.

If you are struggling with an abusive relationship or domestic violence, know and understand that you are not alone. You are heard, you are seen, and you are loved. We believe you, and we hear you.

Hi everyone. Just the same as the last, this chapter is incredibly personal to me, as is every emotion and scene within it. When I started writing belladonna, I knew I would be putting myself on display through my writing in a way i have never done with you before. As I sit and edit this chapter, I’ve learned that sometimes being on display and relating to others is the only way for me to heal and work through this.

This chapter is course, gritty, a bit gruesome, and fictional, as much as it is based on real life events that happen to many people behind closed doors. When opting to write about my struggles with addiction, I never wanted to come on here and sugarcoat a disease that is vile, cruel, gross and above all, deadly. Alongside this, mental health and domestic abuse is something I have personally survived through and still struggle coping with to date. I have been very lucky to be blessed with so many friends and supporters when I started posting on here, and your love has bled the courage into me. This particular story has been incredibly cathartic for me, even if writing it has been painful by times. It is my hope that by telling a story about my own struggle, that maybe somehow I can reach someone who has felt the same or been through something similar and help them. Love is the only way through, as is being honest and transparent, and I hope my honesty is conveyed and that my love for you all is so apparent in everything I do and post.

Please heed the warnings at read at your own discretion. Kindly send me a message if I have missed anything. Also, I implore you to send me a message if you need an ear. I love you all so very much. 🤍 be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes.

July 10th, 2022 - 3:46 AM

A rush of air filled your lungs, painful and tormenting as you snapped back to reality in an instant. Vincent’s hands were gone from your neck, but yours continued to claw at the same spot as if he was still holding you there. Your throat pained down to the very core as you wheezed in a second breath, finding it difficult to feel satisfied as you struggled through it. The screaming in the background, the insults and flood of obscenities were a muddled mess of noise. Everything was intense, sending your senses into overdrive and nearly making you fall to your knees.

For a brief moment, passing you by so quickly but so achingly strong, a wave of grief filled you. Grief for breathing, grief for surviving, grief for having to face whatever the fuck was to come next. You didn’t want to do it, but now you had no choice.

Just another wonderful gift Vincent always seemed to have for you.

A loud crash distracted you from the agony that stemmed from the basic, automatic bodily function, also throwing the misplaced emotion out the door with it. You knew you were grateful to be alive, even if it was hard to recognize in the moment. Your eyes cut to the source of the sound, noticing that Dylan was the one who pried Vincent off of you.

Of course it would be. He was always taking care of you, no matter if it was a nuisance or not, just because he wanted to. Dylan was the example, showing you true, selfless love every minute of every day.

When he freed you from Vincent’s grasp, he did not stop to celebrate the fact. Instead, he threw Vincent backwards with all of the force he could muster, sending him straight into one of the tables behind them. Landing atop a chair, the wooden legs collapsed under the weight, splintering and scraping him as he fell straight through it. As he scrambled to get up, fury radiating from him still as if he did not realize the extent of what he had done, you felt a pair of arms grabbing you from behind, not waiting a single second before they pulled you to safety.

Michigan.

Always there to save the day, even if he should have ran a long time ago.

He pushed you behind him, acting a barrier between you and the chaos without any second thought. Keeping you safe was his only priority, and after what he had just witnessed, he would stop at nothing to ensure it.

Before Vincent could get to his feet, Dylan grabbed the back of his shirt with both hands and pulled him up off the floor. He was seething, his face red and his jaw locked as he held back every word that was desperate to be heard. In respect of Daniel, for all he had already witnessed, he did not want to add to it. In respect of you, for all you had just been through, he did not want to make it any more traumatic. The scratches on Vincent’s arms looked painful, bleeding and raw, but nobody paid any mind to it, fearing the worst was yet to come as Dylan led him towards the kitchen without a word. Vincent was fighting, not willing to go so easily, but Dylan had a tight enough grip on him that his effort was worthless. You watched from behind Daniel, clinging to him like he was the very thing that gave you life, that would ensure that life would remain.

In the moment, it was the truth.

You could hear the back door being kicked open, then slammed shut almost immediately. The silence in the dining room hung heavy over the three of you, nobody knowing what to say or what to do. The sting of your skin was growing worse by the second, the ache in your bones quickly becoming the only thing you could think of, and the struggle to breathe was starting to scare you. The adrenaline had worn off completely and reality was beginning to set in.

“I-I gotta clean this u-up,” you stuttered out, looking at the broken chair lying in a pile of mop water. Your voice was raspy, raw and hoarse as you tried to divert the attention to something different. You couldn’t handle both sets of eyes on you, the sympathy and the fear. You felt a growing sense of shame, the need to hide or to disappear so nobody could ever see you again. They were perceiving you in a way that made your skin crawl, like you were weak and fragile, like you were going to crumble and fall in lieu of Vincent’s horrid behavior.

You cleared your throat, wincing slightly as the urge to cough only worsened. You raised your hand to your neck, shaky fingertips grazing over the most tender points. As you did so, you felt breathless all over again, lightheaded as you recalled the last seconds you thought you would ever live.

“No, Y/N, you have to go.” Katie said, rushing past you before you could get the chance, finally coming back to reality after the shock of the scene.

“N-no,” you argued, winded as another forceful cough took hold. You covered your mouth with your hand, feeling your head ache desperately as you tried to satiate the fit. When you calmed down, another wheezy breath pulled into your lungs, you noticed blood speckled on the back of your hand. “My… mess.” You uttered through gritted teeth, the tension in your jaw only making your head hurt more.

“No, baby. Go home.” She turned to look at you, her eyes still widened with fear.

Underneath her fear, something else was shining bright, something you’d never seen from her before.

Appreciation.

She spent so long angry at you for ‘stealing’ Vincent, but as she watched the night unfold, she understood all of the horrible things you had spared her from. Violence, misery, mistreatment and abuse. You took the brunt of the tragedy while she stayed jealous over someone she should have been avoiding at all costs.

Regret and remorse filled her as she understood you had inadvertently saved her life.

And by god, you did not like the woman standing before you, but you were grateful for it, too.

“I’ll clean this up—go home and get away from him, before the morning shift gets here.” She tried again, looking to the parking lot to ensure nobody had already arrived.

“She’s right, Utah. I’m taking you home.” Danny said, voicing his own opinion and leaving you with no other choice. “Now.” You looked up to meet his eyes, his expression stony and his eyes sad. The sight broke your heart, and only hurt more when you understood it was your fault.

You had never heard him sound so firm with you. You figured that this was your last chance to take it seriously before it was too late. You had put him through so much, made him a part of your fucked up world with no second thoughts, and even if he loved you, you knew it was not worth it.

“Okay,” you squeaked out, giving a subtle nod. Even the movement hurt, making you wonder if you looked as terrible as you felt. You were spiralling, your thoughts and your body, and you believed for a moment you might collapse and succumb to sleep right there on the floor. You had never felt this kind of exhaustion, never suffered through something so taxing. On top of the exhaustion, you felt ill. Genuinely, wholeheartedly sick, more so than ever before. You felt Daniel’s hand take your own, and before you knew it, he was guiding you out the front door.

As soon as you cleared the front steps of the diner, your hand went in search of the wooden railing. You barely noticed the sting of splinters in your palm as you leaned over the side of the steps, retching and sputtering as you lost every bit of control you still had left. Tears sprung to your eyes, dehumanizing you further as you realized just how pathetic you looked in the moment.

Your knuckles were white as you gripped at the railing, holding yourself steady as sobs tore straight through your chest, bleeding you dry as you put yourself on full display for Danny to see. You weren’t sure you had ever felt so weak, so unimportant, so hopeless. Whatever bit of humanity and self respect you had left, Vincent had stripped from you completely.

How could you have fallen in love with him, someone so vile and cruel, so utterly despicable and evil? How could someone who said they loved you treat you so badly? How could he say such things with such conviction, in front of everyone you loved?

What had you done to make him think so badly about you?

You thought you had done everything to prove how much you cared, loved him so completely that he never had a doubt. You tried your hardest to take care of him, to help him get better, and he still fucking hated you.

Maybe he could see something you could not.

Maybe he was right.

You had spent your whole life trying to prove to the world that you were good, that you were worthy and deserving of all of the things you never got, but maybe there was a reason why it never worked out. You had done so many bad things, walked the earth on borrowed time and still found yourself stuck in the same pit of despair, desperate for love and healing. After twenty-four years, you had to stop blaming the world and looking inward. Maybe Vincent was right, and you were the problem all along.

There was something so fundamentally wrong with you, down to the very core and including the wisps of battered soul that clung to you by a thread. You were rotten, from the very beginning and until your very last day on earth. Born from hate instead of love, cursed with the very illness that your parents succumbed to, and never changing even when you knew you were a part of the problem. You watched your father disappear, never to return and never got closure. Your mother, still nursing a bottle of liquor to put herself to sleep, hating herself just as much as you hated her. Vincent, Dylan, struggling to survive and turning to substance to make the world feel a bit better. Instead of avoiding the same path, being good like Patrick and Hunter, you were sucked straight in.

Worse yet, you chose it.

You were an amalgamation of your parents worst failures, a product of their mistakes and a living reminder of their misfortune. You were a roadblock, a nuisance and a danger to everyone around you. You wanted so badly to help, but your hands only ever knew destruction. A slave to the illness and to a system that you would never escape, not from a lack of knowledge, but because you were never meant to.

It all hurt, and you wished so badly to forget it, for it to be different. As tears pooled down your cheeks, blood lining your chapped lips as it trickled from your nose, you knew it would never be different. It could never be different. This is what life was supposed to be, and it was never your destiny to get better.

Daniel was never meant to be yours, and you were only hurting everyone further by remaining by his side, trying to twist a narrative that was already set in stone many moons ago.

It did not even matter what he thought of you now, because it could not change anything.

Your destiny was on the other side of the building, getting the shit kicked out of him by your best friend, likely not feeling a shred of remorse for what he had done to you.

Vincent was what you deserved, and all you would ever have. What you were doing with Danny was just torture, making yourself believe things could be better and that you could change it, teasing yourself with a better life when escape wasn’t an option.

You wished so badly that you would have realized it sooner before you broke everyone’s heart, but just like always, ruin was all you knew, all you had.

It was all your fucking fault, and you could not blame Vincent for opening your eyes. Far too long had you spent blind and ignorant to all you caused.

You had ruined everything, for once and for all, and nothing you could do would ever repair it.

You barely remembered getting to the car, only the burn of the heated seats through your clothes and the rush of warm air against your cheeks as you shivered in silence. Daniel did not even try to speak, barely acknowledging you until the car was in motion and the highway was passing you by. Your hands were folded atop each other, resting in your lap as they continued to shake with a ferocity you couldn’t comprehend. So many emotions were running rampant, so many regrets and plenty of fears. You had no idea what he was thinking, how much he heard, and you weren’t looking forward to finding out.

Then, without speaking a word, Daniel reached forward and pressed the button to turn on the stereo. His phone, already connected to the Bluetooth feature, was placed in your lap with Spotify open on the screen. Your gaze flickered downward and your heart warmed at the small action.

Maybe he did care after all.

Maybe he wasn’t scared yet.

Desperate to focus on something other than your searing muscles, you picked up the phone and searched for the only song you wanted to listen to: Ventura Highway.

Thinking back to that warm, sunny day in May, you wished so desperately to go back in time, just for a moment, just to experience that carefree joy with him and Sam one more time. Laying on the porch of his Airbnb, journal in hand while the two plucked at strings on guitars, you wondered if you would ever be as happy as you were then, if the two of you would ever be together like that again.

For the first time in your life, you yearned to go backwards instead of rushing forward.

As soon as the soft melody filled your ears, it seemed as though the floodgates opened. Tears poured down your cheeks, your vision blurred and your throat tight as you begged the universe to allow for it again, because something so good should be felt more than just once.

You wished to feel as free as the song sounded, to envision a life of peace instead of one of suffering, and one with him beside you. You didn’t want to live like this anymore, constantly on edge and fearful for your life. You wanted to atone for your sins, to truly change and become what you always hoped you would be, but you only wanted it with him.

Without him, it did not seem worth it.

He could see you crying, hyper aware of every choked breath and shallow sigh, wishing that he could take it all away and show you that life was better than that, than this.

Instead of telling you that, he drove straight past the side road for the Airbnb and turned the volume up a bit higher, his fingers drumming a beat against the leather steering wheel cover.

When the verse began, so softly, you could hear him singing along. You resisted the urge to turn the radio off entirely and listen only to his rendition of the song for the rest of your days.

You slipped your shoes off, pulling your feet up on the seat and wrapping your arms around your legs. With your knees against your chest, you leaned forward and rested your head against them, your head too heavy to hold upright any longer and your neck still aching. You stared out the window, listening to every word of the lyrics and still finding yourself stuck on that day on the porch.

You wondered if you knew this was where it ended, would you have done things differently?

Taken more precautions?

Talked to Daniel sooner?

You didn’t know, but what you did know was that it didn’t matter. Some part of you always understood that when the time came to tell him about everything, it would be disastrous. There was no avoiding it, no way of laying it down nicely nor gently, and no way of ignoring it. The truth was bound to come out, and you were inevitably a part of the miserable downfall. As much as you tried to avoid it, to keep it under wraps, he was always going to find out.

You couldn’t stop crying, feeling two whole years worth of suffering all flowing freely at once. You came to New York in search of something more, but as you sat in the passenger seat and listened to the same damn song on repeat, you realized you were still stuck in the same cycle, even if the environment was different. Daniel, sitting next to you, his fingers still anxiously drumming against the wheel, was the ticket out. The issue was not him, but you entirely. You weren’t strong enough to change. Instead, you wished for change while you did nothing to ensure it. Staying with Vincent for so long, letting it get to such a point, was on you. You allowed the treatment, and you made your own bed. You couldn’t be mad at his behavior, because it felt much like being upset at a baby for crying. You knew him well, and what you endured that night was unfortunate, yet perfectly in character for him.

Worse yet, for you.

This was not the first dispute the two of you found yourselves in, even if it was the most violent. What he did was horrible, and you were suffering the ill effects of it now, and would be for the foreseeable future. Still, you could not ignore the fact that you played a terrible, horrible part in it. If anything, you started it. He was villainized for his actions, but it did not feel right for you to be coddled when you committed the same crimes. You hit first, knowing exactly what would come of it, but you couldn’t stop yourself.

Upset at what he said, you couldn’t ignore the pressing nature of the truth.

You were no better, and you were still the woman from Utah, blaming your problems on the rest of the world when they started with you.

Haunting, but a reality you were constantly drowning in.

You were a terrible person, sober or not, and you had no idea how to stop being that person.

Like everything else, it felt hopeless.

After hearing what was said in the diner, did Daniel also think you were a horrible person, or did he believe the lies you told him to make yourself seem better?

Your chest felt like it was caving in, the weight of your realizations finally catching up and beginning to suffocate you. The scabs on your hand from the shards of glass reminded you of your own instability, your own hostility and rage that you could never control. You were living, walking proof of every failure. Each scar, every cut, and all the bruises were not incriminating for others, but for you, who walked through life as a hollow body and let the demons control you. Your brittle teeth and thin hair, the breaking nails and shaky hands, the bags under your eyes and the insufferable thoughts were a product of your own wrongdoing, and you would never leave them behind.

You were the same person you often thought you would never be again, sitting in a car with the type of person you always wanted to be, but never would.

As you peeked up through your tear-soaked lashes, catching a glimpse of your reflection in the tiny mirror, you thought you might fall apart and turn to dust. It was not you, a starving artist with an abundance of love and a desire for better. It was not the addict, using and abusing those who only ever tried to help. It wasn’t even the little girl, broken and battered as she clutched her only teddy bear to her chest, hiding from the biggest bully she would ever encounter. Instead, the eyes, broken vessels seeping crimson into the whites, were your mothers, the woman who haunted every dream and shot down every opportunity and possibility, who still ruled your life from two thousand miles away.

You were not her, but that night you held more likeness to her than ever before, and the thought alone made you fear the fact that you would never escape her curse, because every part of you was made from her. She was the blood in your veins, the beat of your heart, and the soul that was fading and flickering. It was that way because she made it so—she made you. You were not her, but you would not be you without her, and for that reason you would spend every waking minute despising yourself. Your likeness was irrefutable, and as much as you hated to admit it, inescapable. Wherever you were, you would carry her along with you, even if the only thing linking you was the DNA in which you shared.

You did not break from the thought as the car slowed, nor when it pulled into a twenty-four hour gas station, long past the door to the Airbnb, to home. You did not notice as Daniel parked and got out of the car, walking into the building with his head down and his weepy eyes concealed. You were so far away that when he returned, you did not turn your head to greet him, and your hands that found their way to your neck remained in place like stone, fingers settled over the bruises left behind by someone’s broken and soulless son.

Only when you made it to your second destination did anyone find the courage to speak, and it certainly was not you.

“You know, when I was a kid, the idea of love scared the shit out of me.” His voice was much calmer than you expected it to be, louder and clearer than you could manage in the moment, and served as a comfort you did not believe you deserved. “Used to lie awake at night for hours, staring at the glow in the dark stars my dad helped me put on the ceiling. The whole idea seemed so… intense. Picking one person to trust, to share everything with, no matter what. I could barely tie my own shoes, or clean my room, or do math. How the hell was I supposed to know when I found the right person, or how not to fuck it up?”

The topic, incredibly intriguing and not what you expected him to start with, turned your head and pulled you from the endless void of self-hatred you were lost in. When your gaze fell on the boy in the driver's seat, you noticed he was not looking at you. Instead, his eyes were pointed at the windshield, admiring the view outside. His curly hair was tickling his pink cheeks, his eyes tired and sad, but unwavering as he studied the intricacies of the view. His wrist was draped over the top of the steering wheel, his back flush against the seat and his shoulders slumped ever so slightly. Ventura Highway was still playing softly in the background as he conjured up his next thoughts. He didn’t seem defensive, angry, or anything even close to what you thought he should be feeling in the moment. Instead, he seemed comfortable, content that he was there with you, and happy that you were there with him.

“I don’t think I understood it as much back then,” he paused, the tip of his tongue tracing over his bottom lip as the words faded from the air. “‘Cause when you’re a kid, every mistake and every failure seems like the end of the world. Get a bad grade in math, and your entire week is ruined. Lose a game of basketball in gym class, and you’re gutted. Break a vase, and you know your parents are going to ground you… it all seemed so much bigger than it actually ever was.” He didn’t look to you, but you could tell he noticed your attention had shifted to him. You were listening, and that’s all that mattered. “I always thought that when I fell in love, if it didn’t work, that would be the end of everything, and it scared me.” He shrugged, like the memory of this terrifying notion barely phased him anymore.

“When I got my heart broken for the first time, it really did feel like the end of the world. I never thought I’d feel that way again, that I could love like that again, and I guess it kind of made me think that I was right all along. Took a long time for me to try again, and when I did, it ended the same way.” He let out a small chuckle as he finished, like the tale was funny instead of painful for him.

Why was he telling you this? What significance did it have to the current situation, to the relationship between the two of you? Talks of love made your head ache, because love had never been kind to you. After the events of the night, you were beginning to believe you would never truly be loved at all.

“—made me feel like I would never know what being loved is supposed to feel like.”

Oh.

Now it made a little more sense.

“I didn’t know how to love, or how to be loved, but I wanted it. I wanted to know it so bad. More than anything else, I think. Especially at the end of it.” He explained, his eyebrows furrowing together in the most devastating and beautiful way, noticeable even in the dim light pooling through the windows. You wondered if he was radiating his own light, so precious that his goodness was spilling over in the most obvious of ways, or if you loved him enough that you would notice every miniscule detail even in pitch blackness. Whichever it was, it hurt you more to know that after the night was over, you would likely never experience it again. “When I got to New York, it felt like everything changed.” You froze, all previous thoughts of unworthiness fleeing you for a moment.

Was he actually saying what you thought he was?

Could he really feel that way about you?

No, it wasn’t possible, and you refused to get your hopes up. It was too soon, and you had put him through too much. It was ridiculous of you to assume such a thing.

“I get it now, Utah.” He whispered, his voice so quiet that it could barely be heard even in the near complete silence, but you would always listen for him. Every sound, every word, every breath that left his lungs meant something to you. In fact, it meant everything, and he would never go unknown or unheard as long as you walked the same earth.

As much as you struggled to believe it was real, you understood it now, too.

You would go to the ends of the earth, suffer through disaster and despair, be whatever he wanted you to be, even if it hurt you, as long as it meant he was around.

“All of that other shit was nothing compared to what I know now.” You thought your heart may fall straight through your chest, showcasing in the most obvious ways that it beat solely for him. “So I need you to trust me when I tell you, whatever you need to say, I will listen, and I will stay. After everything that’s happened, you have to believe me when I tell you that I’m not going anywhere.”

Your lips pressed together tightly, like they were trying to lock up every dirty secret and horrid confession, your body telling you he was too perfect to bear the weight of your sins. When he turned his head to look at you, when the warmth of his brown eyes struck you straight in the soul, you knew he was telling the truth, that he would not leave and he would not break under the weight of your past. At least, not in the same ways you had broken under the weight of it.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything, Utah. What I feel for you… it’s not going to change. I don’t think… not even if I wanted it to. It’s here to stay.” For the first time since you met him, you could hear the broken heart sitting in his chest, beating with only half strength as it explained that he was not as perfect and pristine as you framed him to be. Hurt could touch him, and it did affect him, and by withholding the truth, you were making him feel ways you swore you never would.

You had to tell him—it was no longer about you, but about the man you had fallen completely and irrevocably in love with. He wanted to know you, and denying him of that hurt you just as much as it hurt him.

“It’s not pretty.” You croaked, the sound of your own voice off putting to you. His eyes flickered down to your neck, and for a single moment, he was back in that harrowing and terrifying moment, not knowing how it would end, not knowing if the two of you would ever be sitting together in his car ever again, not knowing if he would ever get the chance to tell you.

“I never expected it to be.”

And maybe that was the problem all along. You forcing words in his mouth, placing expectations upon yourself that he would never even think of, pinning him with notions that couldn’t be further from the truth. He didn’t expect anything, and you believed he expected everything.

“Before anything else, are you okay?”

You thought about it for a moment, deciding that honesty was the only thing that mattered anymore. Although you had never lied to him, you had been evading the truth since the very beginning, and you didn’t want to do that anymore. He deserved it all, and you wanted to be the one to give it to him.

“No,” You tried to shake your head, wincing at the dull ache ever-present in your muscles. “Not really.”

“In pain?” You let out a hum of agreement, seeing him reach between his legs to grab the bag of shit he had gotten from the corner store. Without another word, he reached in and grabbed a bottle of painkillers, placing them on the dash as he grabbed a can of Redbull for you. You swallowed back a lump in your throat as he placed a bag of sour candy next to the rest of the items. “I didn’t… I still don’t know what to do, but I wanted to do something, and I figured you wouldn’t let me take you to a doctor, since you’re so against medical intervention in any sense.”

At that, you couldn’t help but laugh. It was tiny, barely there, but still a laugh nonetheless. He was right, and in no way would you have ever agreed to go to the hospital, but he was okay with you not being okay with it. So okay that he was willing to tease you about it. He didn’t know anything about your world, but he loved you enough to learn, and he loved you enough to adapt and to make you comfortable.

“You didn’t have to do anything, Michigan. Nothing at all.” Your voice was still raspy, hoarse as you choked the words out, but it was easing up the more you did it.

“I know I didn’t have to.” He replied, a bit more curt than usual so you understood where his head was at. “I want to, Utah. I want to help you, to be there for you, to listen to you. I want to be here.”

Sometimes it felt like no matter how many times he said it, you would never truly get it. Even if it didn’t seem that way, you were trying as hard as you could, but the entire ordeal was foreign to you. Silence fell upon you once again, but not because you didn’t want to talk. You didn’t know where to begin, and it was overwhelming the longer you thought about it. You knew that you didn’t have the luxury to hold back anymore, especially after putting him through everything, but you couldn’t help it.

“It’s a lot, Danny. A lot that I don’t really talk about, but I’m trying my best—I will try my best, from here on out.” You corrected yourself, knowing that you had not been trying your best. Now, you made a pact with yourself to avoid hurting him any more than you already had.

“That’s all I’m asking.” He reached over, cautious as he took your hand in his own. He didn’t want to be too much for you in the moment, but it was killing him to sit by and do nothing. Thankfully, you were receptive to the touch, making him feel much better.

“The part that I always left out… that I said I couldn’t talk about… it was never because I didn’t want you to know.” You clarified, your bones as heavy as cement as you tried your best to phrase your thoughts. Your head was still spinning, but you had to talk about it, for him. “I always wanted you to know. I’ve always wanted you to know everything about me, but I was so fucking scared, Michigan. I still am, but I’m trying my best not to be.”

“Why are you so scared?” He asked, his voice still soft and sweet, trying to show you you had no need to feel such a way.

“It’s just… it’s hard. Falling for someone so… so fucking perfect, when I’m such a fucking mess.” You stressed, your hand raising to your hair. Your fingers combed through knots, the tug on your scalp distracting you from the surge of anxiety. “It’s hard telling anyone about it, but you? Danny, you’re… everything. Everything good in the world, all in one place. I don’t want it to scare you off, o-or make you see me differently, or whatever the fuck.” You huffed a breath, closing your eyes to rid yourself of the burgeoning sadness growing in the pit of your stomach.

“Utah,” he gave your hand a gentle squeeze, bringing you back to reality for a moment. You looked over at him, remembering all he said and all he had done for you. If you couldn’t trust him yet, you never would.

“You’re right.” You sucked in a sharp breath, giving a gentle nod. “I know… it’s just… fuck, Danny. This world… it’s not yours. You don’t have to understand it, and most people don’t. I couldn’t blame you if it did scare you, or you wanted to run. I get it, and that’s why it hurts.”

“Utah, it is my world.” He corrected, firm on his stance. “It’s my world because it’s yours.”

Why you had never thought of it that way, you weren’t sure, but he was right. He was invested in you, therefore making him a part of the awful things just as much as the good things. Even if this conversation had never happened, he still would have been a part of it solely because of the shit he had witnessed on behalf of his love for you.

“Okay.” You nodded, your gaze falling to his hand intertwined with yours. Off with the bandaid, the best way to do it, even if it was the most painful. Confess now, explain later. “I don’t think you’re stupid, Michigan. I know that you’ve caught on to things, my behavior, what other people have said. If anything, I’m the stupid one for not saying anything sooner. It’s why I was avoiding you all week… pretending like I didn’t get your messages and telling you I couldn’t go home with you. I wanted to reply, I wanted to go home with you, but I just couldn’t force myself to have this conversation. It’s killing me, and it has been all along.” So much for ripping the bandaid off. You had become awfully good at rambling as of late, and you could only blame it on your nervousness when in his company.

“It’s okay,” he assured you, his thumb tracing circles into the back of your hand. “We’re talking now. That’s what matters.” You gave another slight nod, taking a deep breath as you prepared yourself to say it out loud.

“I’m an addict.” You blurted out, your free hand raising to your mouth as your eyes widened in shock. It sounded wrong coming from your lips, so cold and distant as you told the man you loved about your biggest struggle to date. You felt your heart racing, aching as it grew tired of the stress it had been under all night. Slowly, still horrified, you turned to see his expression, to know for sure if it changed anything or not. When your eyes fell on him, he looked the exact same as he did moments before, love still shining in his sweet face and glimmering in his eyes.

“Okay.” He whispered, squeezing your hand ever so gently.

Okay?!

In your mind, that could mean a magnitude of things, and the simple response sent you spiraling further. What was he thinking? How did he feel?

“Okay?” You creaked out, shifting uncomfortably in your seat as you felt your skin begin to itch. The air in the car was unbelievably stuffy, making you feel like you were suffocating. The tightness in your chest and the breathless sensation threw you for a loop, reminding you of what it felt like when you truly couldn’t breath, when Vincent’s hands were around your neck preventing you from doing so.

“Okay, baby.” He said again, reassuring you. “Stop overthinking this. I’m listening, and I want you to tell me more. You are the same person I met at that diner, and the same girl that I fell for. I’m just listening, and I’m learning.”

Learning. Listening. He cared, and he wasn’t going to stop caring. You had to trust him, to believe him, and to stop letting fear get in the way. He was the same man you fell for, too kind and understanding for his own good, and he wanted to know these things. Okay just meant okay. You were safe with him.

“I… uh…” you paused, clearing your throat once again and wincing at the pain. “On my fifteenth birthday, things at home were horrible. We had moved in with Bruce—my mom’s boyfriend,” You added quickly, realizing you had never actually told Daniel his name. In fact, you couldn’t even recall the last time you spoke his name at all. “About a year before that, I’d say. I was drinking a lot, hanging out with a group of people who were doing the same. That weekend, nobody was around, and we weren’t really allowed to celebrate our birthdays, anyway. My mom and Bruce were out of state… some stupid fucking business meeting, which was really just dressing up and getting drunk. My friends were all busy, so I was desperate to have fun and fill the void, I guess.”

“They were fucking terrorizing Hunter and Patrick in the living room before they left. It was all I could think about, the horrible shit they said, and how Patrick and Hunter just… took it, to protect me, so I wouldn’t have to deal with it on my birthday. They always took the fall, whenever they could, and even if I lived a million lifetimes and dedicated each one to repaying them, or thanking them, it would never be enough.” You paused, remembering the sound of it as if it were just yesterday, the sound of your mothers voice so loud in your ears, and the sound of Hunter’s muffled sobs from his bedroom tearing your heart straight from your chest. No matter how long, no matter how far, it would never leave you. “I just wanted it to stop, to go away, for my brain to shut the hell up so I could finally have some peace and quiet.” You cried, the wave of emotion that washed over you overwhelmingly felt as you told the story. Never, since the very day it happened, had you ever explained it in so much detail. For years, nearly a full decade, it had been kept so secret that even you found the details fuzzy by times.

But he deserved it. He deserved the truth, the full extent of the matter. He deserved everything.

His hand in yours tightened, his silent show of love, his silent show of support.

He wasn’t mad, and he didn’t hate you.

“After they left, Hunter wouldn’t talk to me. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t want me to see him suffering. They were both so selfless like that…” you trailed off, remembering how truly and genuinely they loved you. You thought that you found that love in Dylan and Vincent, the kind that made them willing to do anything, including sacrificing themselves for you, but now you knew it was not the same. Dylan maybe loved you that way, but certainly not Vincent, and he never would.

Daniel, though, loved you beyond what anyone else had ever done in the past. He was one of a kind, just like Sam told you that first day you met him, and nobody else in the entire world could compare to him.

“But they were my best friends, my only real friends. Patrick left, and Hunter locked himself in his room, and everything was just so loud, and it wouldn’t fucking stop.” As if you were sitting on that bathroom counter again, you could hear the swarm of thoughts buzzing in your ears and behind your eyes. It was impossible to think, to ignore, to breathe. You dropped Danny’s hand, both of your own raising to your head as you tugged at your hair. Tears seeped through your closed eyelids, flooding your cheeks as you willed your brain to stop, to remember that you weren’t there anymore.

“Utah,” you could hear it, loud and clear, above all of the other thoughts, like it was the only thing that mattered.

You weren’t too much for him.

You were enough.

“Baby, come on.” You could feel the gentle graze of his fingertips against your cheeks as he turned your head towards him, begging you to look at him. “You're okay. You’re safe with me.” He whispered, slowly willing you to lower your hands from your head. “Whatever you need to say, however you need to say it, I’m here and I’m listening. You’re safe.”

Safe. Something you had never been before you met him, yet were slowly growing accustomed to in his presence. You never wanted to let it go, and even if you feared the feeling was fleeting, your fingers were clasped around it, desperate to keep it close.

“Sorry, I just… sometimes, when I think of it for too long, it feels like I’m right there, living it all over again.” You breathed, your chest heavy as you let your eyes scan your surroundings. In his car, not your mothers house, sober and pained, not high and empty. You were okay, and he was okay. For a brief second, you wondered if you would really be okay together, holding hands through the worst of it and celebrating the victory when the time came.

You couldn’t put that evil picture in your head. Not until he knew everything, at least. It wasn’t fair to you or him, and getting your hopes up would destroy you if he decided to leave at the end.

“Just look at me, okay? That way you remember where you are… who you’re with.” His hand on your knee gave a gentle squeeze, the softness of his actions sending a rush of relief through you. You managed a small nod, so minuscule it barely even hurt your damaged muscles, happy to know he could be your anchor even when you did not deserve it.

“So… I locked myself in the bathroom, knowing that the liquor cabinet was a no-go, and I looked through the medicine cabinet, knowing that my mother would have something in there that was worthwhile, something that would make everything quiet. I googled all of the names, what they would do for me, and I certainly found out. That night, I sold my fucking soul, so desperate to forget about how horrible my life was that I made it even worse.” You paused, your eyes flickering out the windshield as you noticed the peek of the sun in the sky. You always found it funny, knowing that even if you were falling apart, the world would continue turning with little regard for you at all. You were nothing, a spec, an insignificant mess in the grand scheme of things. The sun would rise, but it was up to you to try again. Right now, talking to Daniel, being honest with him in hopes for better, you were trying again in a brand new type of way.

“OxyContin.” You finally said it aloud, the word knocking the air from your lungs and making you sick to your stomach. Daniel stayed silent, his hand never moving from your leg as he listened. “I tried to convince myself that I was okay, that I would know when to quit before it was too late, but I was fucking wrong. The very minute it passed my lips, I was a changed woman, and in no way good. For a while, I would just pop one when mom and Bruce were too hard to handle, and I would sleep the worst of it off… or tune it out. I sedated myself every night and had myself convinced that it was okay, that it was normal.” You paused, feeling a stab in your heart as you recalled what it felt like to be so far gone the whole world was silent and still. Worst of all, even if you knew it was wrong, you missed it with a fervor.

“It didn’t take long for those to run out, and when they were gone, I was already in too deep. Weed wasn’t cutting it, and drinking only made me want it more. I knew nothing would compare to that feeling, so I went chasing it. Mixing pills from the cabinet, trying to replicate the feeling… drinking and smoking, or drinking and mixing pills. I was fucking insane, an addict from birth who finally had a taste of it. I hated being sober, because it made living at home that much harder to choke down. I made friends with some bad people, who were really only there to help me get a fix. I’d feel bad about using them if they hadn’t been doing the same thing to me.” You shrugged, wrapping your arms around your torso and hugging yourself tightly.

“We partied a lot, and I guess that really brought out a side of me that I never thought I had. There, I discovered Coke, which will always be my biggest enemy. Loved it so much I blew a hole straight through my nose.” You chuckled at yourself, sharing the only secret that was solely yours and sniffing on command from just the mere thought of it. “It was easy back then, to chalk it up to smaller things. I was bored, I was hurt, looking to pass the time until I could get the hell out of that house. I never seemed to see it as a problem, even if Hunter and Patrick could see straight through me.”

“They knew?” He asked, trying to keep his head straight with all of the information you were throwing at him.

“Oh, yeah.” You nodded. “From the very beginning, they knew something was wrong. I mean, how could they not? I know people hear a lot of shit about drugs and addicts, but even if you aren’t that far in it, it changes everything. Sometimes, feels like it changes you as a person entirely. Don't even recognize that girl when I look back on old pictures, and I’m sure they couldn’t recognize me then, even if my face didn’t change. I was dodgy, quiet most of the time but had a temper like nothing else… no control over my emotions. I was gone a lot, always sleeping or up all night, not eating… lots was wrong, and they were the only ones who truly saw it for what it was.” You drummed your fingertips against your bare arm, goosebumps prickling your skin as you took a deep breath. “Not much they could do, though. You can’t force an addict to get clean. Just doesn’t work that way.” You shrugged softly, ignoring the sting in your neck as you did so.

You knew this, so why the hell were you still trying so hard with Vincent?

Vincent.

Vin…

Why the fuck were you still thinking about him?

You couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was like a parasite, eating away at you and unwilling to stop until there was nothing left. He would be your end, but it would not be any fault of his. The blame would be yours, constantly letting him rule your life in such ways. You had let it get to such a point, and you were stuck suffering the consequences. The issue was, you did not know how to stop.

He was so intricately woven into every aspect of your life, embedded in the very fibers of your being and destined to exist within the frame forever. He was your life now, even if you constantly wished it were not true, forever wanted something better. Would you be stuck this way for eternity? Always committed to a man who would ruin you? Or was there better?

Was better even meant to be yours?

Looking over at Daniel, you knew it must be, because if it were not, he would not still be there.

“Utah?” He asked, breaking you free from your thoughts and shocking you back to reality.

“Hmm?” You hummed, your hand raising to the back of your neck. Your fingers gently massaged the muscle blanketing your spine, noticing the stabs of pain as pressure was applied. Your eyes screwed shut, your molars grinding together as a general sense of malaise took hold. “Sorry.” You mumbled, realizing he was waiting for you to continue.

“Don’t be… I just want to know you. I need to… after everything we’ve been through—“

“You do know me.” You assured him, cutting him short. “More than anyone else, now. I’m sorry I kept this from you, and I swear I’m trying my best to give it to you now, but it’s hard. If I could rewrite my story, I’d leave this out so nobody ever had to know about it again. I hate that version of me, and it kills me to think that anyone would still see me as that… monster. I just… I never wanted you to see me as a monster.”

“I’ve never,” he shook his head, firm as he made sure you understood. “And I will never. Utah, I think you see yourself as that, but I don’t. Not when I met you in the diner, and especially not after seeing everything I have. You are selfless, kind, caring, and loyal, even when you shouldn’t be. You would do anything for anyone, including sacrificing yourself for them. That version of you, whatever you think of her… does not reflect who’s sitting beside me now.” Your stomach sank as you listened to his sweet words, realizing you’ve yet again pinned him with ideas he would never think twice about.

“I feel like it every day.” You breathed, your shaky hands flat against your thighs as you tried to ground yourself. “All of the horrible things I’ve done, the people I hurt, I can’t forget it. I spent so long trying to make up for it, but I still worry that it’s not enough, that I’m still this evil person who only cares about herself.”

“Bad people don’t wonder if they’re bad people, Utah.” He whispered, placing his hand over yours to draw your attention back to him. “They don’t care.” He was right, but you were too damn stubborn to see it. It was easier to believe you were bad than to give yourself any credit, and it was easier to be miserable than to try and be happy, because it was all you had ever known. This, sitting next to someone who listened, who cared, was completely new and foreign to you, and it was so hard to believe it was real. “Take your time, tell me when you’re ready, but I need to know, Y/N.” He felt bad for pushing you after you went through something so horrible, but he was tired of being kept in the dark, unable to remain so helpless when it was clear you needed someone to help you.

“I know you do.” You agreed, giving him a sad little smile. You wished he would be mad, berate you for waiting so long and hiding so much because you felt like that was what you deserved, but he wasn’t like that. The only reason you felt it was so deserved was because that was how Vincent often treated you, and Daniel was nothing like him. He was trying to rebuild what another person had broken (or, what plenty of people had broken), and even you were working against him. It was time to let him in, to let him know, to love him how he loved you.

“At first, I was using ‘recreationally’, as some would call it. Mostly when we were partying, or on really bad nights. In hindsight, it was most of the time, but I didn’t care enough to call it a problem.” You paused, gulping down a large lump in your throat. You felt a panic rise in your chest, realizing you would have to tell him of the times you most often wanted to forget, the most painful and ugliest times in your life, but he deserved it. “A few months after school started, just after Christmas, m-my—“ you cut yourself off, feeling a searing pain in your chest threaten to burst through. You choked on air for a moment, your vision blurred with tears as you recalled one of the most painful days of your entire life.

Still, his hand remained on top of yours, supporting you without saying a word, listening without interrupting, and loving you even if you believed he should not be, because that’s just the kind of person he was.

“My grandfather died.” You breathed it out as if it were one word, as if it weren’t an earth shattering moment that changed your life entirely. Your throat ached, begging to cry out, to let the whole world know how you truly felt about the fact. Instead, you stayed silent, keeping it all to yourself just like always. “It was sudden, and it took us all by surprise… and my mother tried to keep me from going to the funeral.”

“What?” Even he, barely knowing a thing about your family other than your mother, knew that was the most evil thing she could have done.

“Yeah,” you scoffed a laugh, nodding ever so slightly. “She was mad at me for getting into shit at school, and I was grounded. Said I didn’t deserve to go. Only reason she didn’t stop Patrick and Hunter was because Patrick had his license. Once he passed the test, they couldn’t get him to stay home even if they paid him.” You mumbled, willing a frayed thread of your jeans around your index finger.

“You did go though, right?”

“Yeah,” you assured him. “Snuck out my bedroom window, ‘cause the cunt locked my door from the outside. I wrote her an apology letter and slipped it under her bedroom door the night before, begging her to let me go because she refused to speak to me… I did that a lot back then, especially when I was little, but it never worked. Patrick said he’d wait down the road if I climbed out the window, so I did. Broke my fucking ankle, but I still made it. Think she put me up on the second floor so I couldn’t sneak out, but it never worked.” You felt sick as you remembered the surplus of pain you suffered through that day, slipping an Oxy as they spoke eulogies of the man you loved more than anyone in the world, feeling the throb of your broken bone barely compare to the agony in your heart.

“I was high for the whole ceremony, a zombie at the reception… from there, it all went downhill, much worse than it was before. Once mom found out I had snuck out, she made sure to make my life a living hell, and to survive it… I stayed high… but before I could, I had to figure out how. I was a broke teenager with an expensive hobby, and no establishment would hire me in that state even if they were desperate. My mom was over my shoulder constantly, so I had to come up with a different solution.” You paused, checking to see if he was still following. When you met his eyes, you knew he was hanging on to every word. “There was this dealer… he was bad news in high school, and even worse when he flunked out. Did a couple stints in juvy, and a few months in jail when he turned eighteen. He liked… girls like me.” You put it lightly, grimacing at the thought. “Broken, stupid, naive… underage.” You mumbled, ensuring he understood what you meant.

“At first, he made a lot of promises, and he really wasn’t that bad. I had seen him around at a few of the parties, got a few rides home from him… he was nice enough, and he was interested in me. I’m not sure if that was the selling point, or if in the beginning I really was interested in him. The lines are all blurred now.” You huffed a sigh, leaning back into the heated seat to soothe the ache in your muscles. “Doesn’t matter much anyway… we both used each other, even if his crimes were worse than mine.” You turned your head to stare out the window, unsure if you could look him in the eye when you told him this part of the story.

“I don’t know if it was because I was a kid, or if the drugs really made me crazy, but I asked him to work out a deal… I didn’t have any ideas in mind, but he did.” You gave a dry chuckle, your stomach sick and your skin crawling as you remembered the suffocating smell of his cheap cologne, laced with liquor on his tongue and force in his touch. You felt frozen in your seat, fear gripping you like he was behind you, his breath on your neck and his body pressed against yours. You sucked in a sharp breath, squeezing your eyes shut as you turned your hand to lace your fingers through Danny’s, praying it would help bring you back to reality.

Safe.

You tried to remember what he told you, to believe it was true. When you were with him, your Michigan, nothing could touch you. You knew if you said the word, he would take you away from it all and make sure you felt safe forever.

“I don’t want this to change how you see me.” You mumbled, plagued with the same anxieties yet feeling them so much more. This situation, this memory, was your hardest story to tell, but you wanted him to know, to comfort you.

How beautiful it was to be loved by him, and finally after so long you were eager to receive it.

“Not possible.” He whispered, never once daring to move his hand from yours.

“He… uh, fuck.” Your voice cracked, raspy and raw still as you tried your hardest to tell him. “At first, he did me a few favors… called us friends and said he wouldn’t accept money from me anyway. I thought it was great, but I was so stupid.” You choked on a sob, feeling the panic begin to rise again. You tried to hold it back, to regain control, but for a brief second it felt impossible.

“You aren’t stupid, Utah.” He shook his head, his thumb tracing circles on the back of your hand. “Tell me what happened.”

“He picked me up one night… my ankle was all healed, so I could sneak out again. We went to his house, and I don’t remember much, but I remember enough.” You explained, nervous eyes darting to the trees outside. “I was so fucked up, probably more than I ever had been before, and he just kept giving me shit… filling my cup, or whatever he could, really. I should have been more careful, but I passed out on his couch… I woke up to him… doing things… to me.” You were firm as you spoke, telling him all he needed to know. Further detail was not needed, and he certainly wouldn’t be the one to push you.

“I was so out of it, even when I woke up I barely knew what was happening. Next thing I knew I was in Patrick’s backseat. Him and I, we never talked about it again. I don’t know if I called, or he did, or what, but I know Patrick knows what happened.” You swallowed hard, even more remorseful to admit the next part. “I dunno if I just forced myself to believe that nothing happened, or I made it up, but I just… carried on like normal. Kept going back for fixes, and he eventually stopped trying so hard to hide it. Made me feel like I owed him, that I had to… so I did. For a long time.” You paused, knowing you played a part in one of the memories that haunted you the most. “I think worse things happened a lot more than that night, but I can’t say for certain, yaknow? Just didn’t have my senses, most of the time. Outta my tree, blacked it all out… yeah.” You couldn’t look at him, too fearful to see disgust in his expression. “I blacked everything out after that. I don’t remember graduating, or anything in between. Maybe it’s for the best.”

“When I did graduate, I guess you could have called him my boyfriend. Wasn’t much of one, but it was the closest I ever came to a real one… until you.” Your eyes dropped again, studying his hand in yours for a moment longer to remind yourself who you were with and that you were safe. “I moved in with my brothers, in a shitty ol’ bachelor that they shared for dirt cheap. Slept on the couch, and we struggled, but we were happier than ever… just being together, without our mother always over our shoulder. Even if I was a junkie, they were just happy I was alive, that I made it out. I wanted to get sober, to be better, even if I was stuck in the worst of the addiction. I can remember sitting on that torn, beaten up fuckin’ couch, searching for rehabs with Hunter while Patrick tried to juggle community college and a full time job.”

“Patrick always did so much for us, and I guess I didn’t want to drag him into that, too. I thought if I could get sober, do it on my own, it would prove to him that I did appreciate everything he sacrificed to keep us all safe.” You explained, always gutted at the fact you couldn’t do it for him. “I went cold turkey, spent three days sweating it out on the bathroom floor, fucking delirious and angry at the whole world. We celebrated my birthday in that damn bathroom, and the cheap cake the two scraped up change for ended up in the toilet, but it was beautiful, you know? In its own, gruesome, fucked up way. The three of us, together, poor but together, doing everything we could to be better and do better.”

“But it always ends, right?” You hummed, lips dipping down into a frown as you reminisced. “My grandmother died that summer, which set me off on a whole new kind of rampage. She left us everything. The house, the inheritance, whatever she had was ours, but I never stuck around to see it.” You paused again, trying to keep your thoughts straight as you dumped everything on him. “I took off, spent a few nights with that same guy and ruined every bit of progress I made. I didn’t go to her funeral.” You said through gritted teeth, unable to believe you prioritized drugs over the most important woman in your whole life. You still hadn’t forgiven yourself for it, and you knew you never would. No matter if you stayed sober for the rest of your life, the horrible things you had done would haunt you for eternity.

“One night, I was at that guy's house, and we were fighting. Like, the kind of fighting that used to make us hide as kids. Found out I wasn’t the only fifteen year old he liked, so I tried to give him hell for it. Guess I found out I wasn’t a match for him, and he gave it back to me ten times worse.” You tried to shrug it off, but still felt the ache in your bones where he laid a violent hand, your skin still searing with the memory of his temper. “I left with a backpack, and for the first time I really understood that I was just like my mother. Didn’t break a cycle, didn’t try harder, never did better. I went to county, got cleaned up, and couch surfed for a year. Spent all of the money I got for graduation and ended up washed up on his doorstep a year later, begging for forgiveness because I felt like I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

“I wasn’t ready to get sober, and I wasn’t going to face Patrick and Hunter in that state. I didn’t even look like myself, and to be honest, I wasn’t. That person, she is a stranger. Even though I haven’t been perfect, I was never that person again, and I thank fucking god for it every day.” You swiped away a few tears with your free hand. “Near the end of my stay with him, I had no idea how I was still alive, how I even made it to that point. I was death walking, wasting borrowed time on getting high and being a terrible person. Then one night, the world stopped.”

“What do you mean?” You continued staring out the window, barely hearing him as a steady roll of tears flooded your face.

Why were you still here to tell this story?

Why wasn’t that the end?

“Utah?” He asked again, begging to bring you back from wherever your mind took you. Still, you sat stoic, your misery bleeding you dry without remorse, making you wonder if you survived it solely to suffer the consequences. Death would be too easy, and this was your punishment. Recounting your horribleness to the most perfect, kind and loving man you had ever met. Even his gentleness was no match for your evil. You had made your bed, and it was time to lie in it.

“I did too much, I guess. I pushed my limit, took too many chances… was too confident in myself and overshot by miles, and other people took advantage of that. He took advantage of that, pawning me like property, like… fuck.” Your eyes squeezed shut again, the same crawling on your skin making you ill as it grew. “I don’t remember a whole lot, still to this day… I remember how loud the music was, being in a bedroom that I couldn’t even recognize, and the weight. The hands.” You squeaked, sickened from the vaguest of memories you still had. “And when I started to OD, knocking on death's door, they still only cared about themselves. They dropped me off at the entrance of the emergency room, dumped me on the ground and left. They didn’t even tell anyone, or wait to see if someone would help. They didn’t care.”

“A nurse found me, called the code… they found six substances on my tox screen, two that I didn’t remember taking then, or ever before. How they saved me… I don’t know. It was a fucking miracle.” You were quiet as a mouse, unsure if you could keep talking yet knowing you had no other choice. “They called my mom, ‘cause she was still my emergency contact. All she did was laugh in their face and rub salt in the wound. She didn’t care, and she never did. Even she thought I should have died there, and for a real long fuckin’ time, so did I.”

The silence that hung between you was suffocating. Still, it wasn’t as painful as the ache in your chest, nor was it even close to the pain of telling him the truth.

“Hunter and Patrick found out… used their inheritance to draft a check for the best rehab in town. Spent six months coloring and suffering through group therapy, wondering why the hell they still cared after all I had put them through, angry yet knowing exactly why they never came to visit.” You cried silently, giving up on wiping your face clean as you understood it would never stay that way. “When I got out, I knew I couldn’t stay there. If I had any shot at getting better and staying that way, I had to leave. Nothing good ever came out of that fuckin’ place, and I should have left sooner. Figured I’d book it to New York, concrete jungle… chase my dreams and start over. Then I met fucking Vincent.” You spat his name with so much venom it caused Daniel to recoil ever so slightly.

“Trickin’ me into bed, hiding things and keeping secrets ‘till I was on his fucking hook, knowing exactly what would happen but doing it anyway ‘cause he only ever fuckin’ cared about himself.” You were vibrating with rage now, unable to swallow back the surplus of emotion filling your heart and overshadowing the sadness. “I fell for it, so I’m no better, but god does it make me mad. I feel like an idiot, always the one ending up like this when he walks away fine.”

“I didn’t stay straight when I came here, even if I wanted to. I fucked up a lot… few nights at the Pony could ruin anyone’s life. It’s always the same old fuckin’ story. Slip up, go down the drain, suffer it out in the detox box, and come back to the same old shithole to start over again. Watch Vincent OD, backslide. Get him sober, get myself sober, go to work in the morning like nothing happened. I feel like a fucking babysitter, always responsible for a grown man who acts like a fucking toddler. I wasted so much time loving him, so much time helping him, just for him to throw it in my face every goddamn time. He’s the only other person in the world who knows all of this shit… then he throws it in my face, for everyone to hear.” You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down before you got too deep into the anger.

“For a long time, it felt like love… the want to help someone because you care for them. Now, it just feels like an obligation, like he’ll die if I look away. Him and Dylan and I… we did everything together before you showed up, and you know… it was family. Always family, even when I hated them. If you’ve got no one to lean on in a world like this, you’re a dead man walking. We go to NA meetings together, work together, and spend our free time together. They took care of me, and I took care of them. Dylan never took it for granted, and he was always my biggest fan and my best friend… but Vincent always found a way to make it my fault, to make me feel responsible for everything.”

“I’d get him on a good week, and he was the best guy in the whole world. So loving and supportive and caring, like he wanted to be that way all of the time. He never apologized, but he tried to make up for it by just being there. ‘Till something happened, or he had a bad day, or I looked at him the wrong way, then I was the bad guy. Could never call him out on it, because he’d just call me crazy. Never had an idea about accountability, and never knew how to love someone. He’s got so many problems I’m surprised he even has the capacity to love at all.” You were venting now, rather than telling, but Daniel still sat and listened to every word, never once wanting to be anywhere else. “But when he did love me, it never felt like he truly loved me. Was always to get something from me, or make up for something shitty he said or did… I’m just the fucking idiot who fell for it. I spent my whole life desperate to be loved, so I settled for that, because the few days of good were worth it.”

“When I tried to pull back, he’d find a way to pull me back in, or he’d just be fucking miserable about it… trying to pit Dylan against me, too. When you asked, all those months ago, if he changed today would it make up for everything he’s done… Danny, nothing could ever make up for the shit he’s done. At the same time… I feel just as fucking responsible for where I am right now.”

“Why do you feel responsible?”

“Lots of reasons… for hanging on, for still caring, not knowing how to let go. He wants me stuck in the cycle and I feed into it. I fight back, I hit first even knowing what’s going to happen. He just… it makes me feel so crazy I can’t stop myself from fighting. He knows how much this stuff bothers me, and he said all of those horrible things in front of everyone tonight, and it wasn’t just to air out my dirty laundry. He said it because you were there, because he wanted you to think those things about me too, so I’d be stuck with him when you ran. He can’t have me now, so his grand idea is to get everyone to leave me so he’s the only thing I have left.”

“Utah, you know that I’m not running, right?” He asked, his voice just as quiet. “When he said all of that stuff, not for a second did I think he was right.” You finally turned to look at him again, every ounce of pain apparent in your eyes and telling of all of your misery.

“But he is.” You choked out, horrified at the thought but knowing Daniel still deserved the truth. “I’m a washed up fucking junkie, trying to fix everyone else while I drown under my own shit. I pushed everyone away, made everyone’s life hell, even when all they did was love me. I’m no saint, and I’m not even good. He was right, and so was my fucking mother. I’m everything that I never wanted to be, and I don’t know how to stop.” You said through gritted teeth, trying to contain some of the emotion begging to break free. “I can’t write a fucking book, I can’t love someone without violence, I can’t stop fucking up and hurting people… I can’t even stay sober, for Christ’s sake.”

“Y/N,” he nearly laughed, appalled that you could say such things about yourself. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Brazen with his response and unwilling to back down, he made it a point to challenge everything you once believed about yourself. “What you went through… for you to still be… Jesus, Utah. The fact that you’re sitting here talking to me right now amazes me. After tonight alone, I can’t believe you could say those things about yourself.” With wide, bloodstained eyes you watched as he took his turn to talk, not expecting that sort of response at all. “You are the strongest, most resilient, admirable person I have ever met.”

“Danny, please don’t—“

“No.” He cut you off, ignoring your pleas for him to be passive. “I’ve been quiet for too long. I’m done hiding how I feel, Utah. You can call us whatever you want, pick whatever label you like, if any, but it doesn’t change anything about us. I’m not going to bite my tongue and hold back what I think because you think you don’t deserve it.”

“Stop.” You pleaded, pulling your knees to your chest in some inadvertent and humiliating way to protect your heart. “If you say it, it changes everything.”

“No it doesn’t, Y/N.” He argued. “It doesn’t change anything, especially if we’ve been feeling this way the whole time.”

“Danny, stop for a second and think—“

“I’m thinking! I think about it every minute of every day, Utah. Thinking about how fucking amazing you are, how perfect you are for me. I don’t think you’re broken, and I don’t think you’re bad. I think you’re a girl that’s been through hell and back, that’s too fucking stubborn for her own good, who won’t let herself believe that someone could actually feel this way about her. You’re not a nuisance, you’re certainly not bad for me, and you are the very thing I’ve been waiting for. I don’t know if you feel the same about me, but I sit up every night and I pray that you do—“

“God, stop it!” You exploded, the scratch of your throat agonizing as you cried out. Panic was pulsing in your fingertips, crazing you like a trapped animal facing a predator. “Can’t you fucking see that I ruin everything? That I hurt everyone I touch? That I’m a fucking mess, and you deserve so much more?”

“What is it, Y/N?” He asked, responding much calmer than you could at the moment.

“What is what?” Exasperated and exhausted, you needed him to be direct.

“Tell me why you don’t want me to say it.”

“I can’t hear it and I can’t say it because I can’t handle it if you decide to stop.” You finally confessed the biggest thing you had kept secret from him. “I feel it, Danny. I feel it everywhere, in everything, all of the time. I can’t stop feeling it, no matter if you’re around or not, but I’m so fucking scared of it. You just listened to my miserable life story, and you’re still here, wanting to say it just as bad as I do. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that someone like you could feel that way about someone like me. I can’t wrap my head around the fact you want to stay, because I have no idea why.”

“Then let me tell you.” He pleaded, his soft brown eyes speaking straight to your soul. The profound emotion in his gaze nearly stopped your heart.

If you ever wanted to overcome these struggles, you had to let him help you. You had to listen, to learn, and above all, you had to believe him.

“Okay.” You whispered, keeping your defensive stance but opening your mind just enough to consider his perspective. He seemed hesitant, nervous that you might go back on your word, but your eyes showed that you wanted to know, that you wanted to understand why the hell he thought so highly of you.

“Do you believe in fate, Utah?” He started slow, his eyes never leaving your face.

“Not particularly, but I’m starting to see why people do.” Looking at him, still caring and still present after everything, you could not refute such a notion. Something of a higher power ensured the two of you would cross paths, and you could no longer ignore the universe pointing you in the right direction. He walked into your life for a reason, and it was none that you previously believed. Maybe, just maybe, he was an apology for all of the horrendous things you had experienced in the past, the very thing that would make you believe that better was possible.

“I swear to god, Utah, whatever it was that pulled me towards that dinner was irrefutable. I didn’t want to be anywhere else—I couldn’t be anywhere else. Sam thought I was fucking crazy for being so adamant about eating there, but it all made sense as soon as I saw you. I had been looking for… for this, for my whole life. I told you on your birthday that I came to New York for a reason, and I know for certain that reason was you. You turned my whole fucking world upside down, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He brushed a lock of hair away from your face, the gentleness of his fingers sending a shiver down your spine. Never, in your entire life, had anyone loved you gently.

“You are the most stubborn, self-assured, independent woman I have ever met. You don’t lean on anyone, and you never ask for help, but I want you to trust that even if you never ask, I always know. I want to be the one who knows, who’s there when you need help, even if you never admit it. I never had any intentions of leaving you behind, Utah, because it would be the stupidest thing I have ever done. Letting someone like you go… is not even an option.” His hand still lingered on your cheek, so light and soft that when you closed your eyes, you could almost forget it was there.

“I’ve never met anyone so real… so unafraid and so resilient. You’re smarter than anyone I know, you’re witty and always have something to say, to challenge. I’m attracted to you Utah, I know you know that, but I am amazed by you more than anything else. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, but you are the type of person everyone wants to fall in love with. After being burned, after all of the hurt, all you want to do is love and help people. You advocate for issues everyone is scared to talk about, you never back down from a fight, even if it’s better for you, and you do it all without any benefit to yourself. You are so brave and so strong, and you do all of it while still smiling, even if you don’t want to be.”

“After everything Vincent has put you through, you still went to the Pony and you stayed by his side, and I don’t think you’re stupid for it. Utah, that was the most selfless thing anyone could do, and knowing how difficult it would be for you, you did it anyway. What happened when you were a kid, what happened when you were struggling, and what just happened tonight is not your fault. Baby, it was never you that was unlovable. In my opinion, I don’t think you could ever be unlovable. The people that came before me never deserved you. I don’t know the ones from Utah, but I know Vincent, and I know he’s never been worth your time.” You could tell he was holding back on that subject, unsure of how much he should say in case he crossed a boundary he couldn’t come back from.

“It’s okay.” You whispered. “You can tell me how you feel.”

“I feel… that he’s an egotistical, arrogant, selfish fucking idiot. I feel that if he lays a hand on you again, we will not be sitting here talking about it. I feel that he made you feel like you deserve nothing when you deserve everything. I feel that he didn’t deserve you and he never will, that he should get the worst that life has to offer, and that he deserves to watch me love you the way you deserve, the way I do love you.” He paused, getting angrier the longer he spoke. He was trying to remain calm, to voice his feelings in a way that would not make you fear his emotions like you feared Vincent’s, but you knew in every context, he could never be Vincent. “I love you, Utah, and I don’t fucking care if you want to hear it or not. I love you for all that you are, every version of you—past and present, and hopefully future. I want to spend everyday with you, doing literally anything. When you’re beside me, the world feels right. That feeling isn’t going to go away, and I don’t ever want it to. I love you, Utah, and more than I’ve ever loved anyone else.”

“Michigan,” you breathed out, suffocating a sob as it tried to pass your lips.

“Utah, if you said the word, I’d take you to Nashville right now. I’d take you away from all of this, give you a life where you don’t have to wonder if you’re loved, one where hurting isn’t normal. That’s all you’ll ever know if you give me the chance, and I can promise you that. Baby, even if we had nothing, no money, no place to stay, I would feel like the richest man in the world as long as I had you.”

“Danny, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into.” You whispered, your hand back in his and suddenly the ache in your chest seemed less severe. “I am not that perfect person, and even if I’m doing better now, I might not always be doing this well. I fuck up, and I make the wrong choices, and sometimes it feels like drugs are the only thing that will ever matter to me. I love that you love me so completely, so selflessly, and I’ve been begging for someone like you my entire life, but I still have a lot of work to do to be better. I still go to NA meetings regularly… and I lied to you. I lied to you about all of this because I was too scared to tell the truth.” You paused, gulping down a large breath.

“That first day we ever hung out… I didn’t have a fucking doctors appointment, Danny. I haven’t been to a doctor in years, because I can’t fucking afford it. I was at the NA hall because I woke up and knew that if I didn’t go, I’d be right back at square one. I wanted to use so bad I completely forgot we had plans.” You huffed out a sigh, appalled at your behavior and remorseful that you dragged him into such a mess. “I fucked myself up forever, mentally and physically. I destroyed and betrayed myself for nothing, and I know I’d do it again without a second thought. I’m not the girl of your dreams—fuck, I don’t even think I can have kids, Danny. I can’t give you the life you deserve, even if so badly I wish I could. I can’t promise to be good forever, and I don’t want you to suffer through it.”

“Utah, I want to be here. I want to suffer through everything with you, and you don’t have to do it alone anymore. I’m going to celebrate with you, too… and be bored, and mad, and sad and all of the things, because it’s worth it to me.” He explained, his lips pressed tightly together as he formulated his next sentence. “I knew, Utah. From the very beginning. The key tags, the tokens on your bedside, the involvement in all of the political issues, the evasiveness, the hurt and betrayal you felt because of Vincent’s addiction, the bathroom at the Pony. I knew what I was getting into, Y/N. I wasn’t going in blind.”

Of course he knew.

He wasn’t stupid, and you were a terrible liar.

The disappearing at the same time through the week, the emblem embossed on the surface of the leather key tags, the tokens sitting right by your bedside so you can look to them first thing in the morning, the sour candy, the three drink limit you gave yourself every time you went for dinner, the Oxy in the bathroom, the pictures and the journals. He knew, but he wanted to hear it from you before he said anything. He loved you enough to be patient, to be understanding and willing to learn. He didn’t think you were a bad person, and he wasn’t afraid.

So why were you still so afraid?

The burns from the past were fresh, but the longer you spent beside him the less they seemed to ache.

“I want to be there when you publish your book. I want to be the person you lean on when you get tired. I want to protect you, to keep you safe. I want it all, Utah. I really, truly do. You mean so much to me, and I don’t care about those things. Kids with someone else… wouldn’t even feel right, because it means I would have to give you up. You are so much more than you think you are and I am willing to go through every up and down with you because I love you.” He continued, his thumb drifting over the back of your hand as a physical reminder of the truth.”

He believed in you, he trusted you, and he loved you.

How beautiful it is to be loved at all, but especially so when it was by him.

“God, Danny,” you sniffled, swiping the puddles from your under eyes. Your chest was tight, your bones aching and your skin burning. “I just… I’m scared. I’ve never been loved like this—it’s never felt like this before.” He gave a hum, agreeing with you, knowing exactly why. You turned to face him, finding yourself lost in the sea of brown once again. The soft twinkle of his irises under the lowlight felt like a spell casted over you.

It didn’t matter how afraid you were, because it would never overshadow how you felt about him.

You promised him the truth, and if you continued to swallow it down, you would lose him indefinitely.

You had to tell him. You had to trust him.

“I love you, Michigan.” You whispered. “I love you so much, and I never planned for this, but I’m so happy it happened. I’m sorry for keeping you in the dark, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I want you to be that person for me, and I want to be that person for you.” You confessed, feeling more tears fall to replace the ones you wiped away. “Everyone that came before… I thought that I loved them, but I don’t think I did. Never, ever has it felt like this.”

“Come here.” He said, unbuckling your seatbelt with haste. With his help, you climbed over the center console and made yourself comfortable in his lap. You extended your legs to the passenger seat, resting your head on his shoulder as he held you close to him. You could feel the thud of his heart against his chest, slow and steady as the heat of his body soothed your tired soul. “I want to figure it out with you, Utah. Just let me do it.”

“Okay.” You whispered, giving a gentle nod. His hands on your body felt so soft, so inviting and nothing like the violent ones that were around your neck just hours before. He held you with every ounce of love and affection he had in his body, cradling you with respect as he silently showed you how much you meant to him. “I want to do that, too.”

All of a sudden, Ventura Highway floating through the speakers was no longer an evocative ode to the version of you that you would never be again; instead, it carried you through the softest and tenderest moment of your entire life, serving as an anthem for the freedom you found within his company. The world felt right sitting in his arms, like no hurt could touch you and made all the pain that came before obsolete. You knew, without a doubt, this was where you wanted to spend your days. Being held by him, being loved by him. It would never be like the conditional and violent love that came before, the possessiveness or the toxicity.

It was just love, the way that it was intended to be felt.

“Can I call you my girlfriend, or is that too much?” He asked, his tone light and soft, joking as he tried to lessen the tension in the air.

“No, I think that’s okay.” You confirmed, twisting a stray curl around your index finger. “I would like it a lot, actually.”

“Me, too.” He hummed an agreement. “If we’re going to do this, I do have a few rules though.” He added, unwilling to back down. You gave a muted hum, too exhausted to speak any further. “I don’t want you to hide anything from me anymore. You don’t have to. I always want to listen and I always want to help. You’re not alone anymore.”

“Okay.” You thought that one was easy enough, something you should have done from the very beginning and would do everything in your power to follow through with from here on out.

“I want you to keep telling me stories, to help me understand better. You’re right—we are different, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it. I want you to help me understand, so I can help you.”

“Okay.” You repeated, still intently focused on the lock of hair wrapped around your finger.

“No more Vincent.”

The silence came back, this time heavier and stronger than the last.

Although the thought of cutting Vincent off entirely hurt to think about, you would no longer pick Vincent over Daniel. You never should have done it in the first place. Tonight was the morbid end to an even darker era, and even if agreeing to the fact hurt, it was for the best.

“Okay.” You agreed.

“I just… it’s not healthy. I’m not jealous, Utah. I know you want to be with me… but being around him, letting him in… it’s not safe, and I will not let that happen again.” You both knew what he meant, and you both knew he was right. “I know you work with him so it might be hard, but after what I saw, I know that Dylan has your back.”

“He does.”

“I’m glad you have him, Y/N.”

“Me too.” You agreed. Dylan, undoubtedly, was the best thing that had happened to you until Daniel walked into your life. You were forever grateful for his friendship, even if the circumstances in which he showed you his loyalty were unfortunate. “Is that it?” You asked, unsure if earning his love could be so simple.

“One more.” He replied, his large hands resting just under the hem of your shirt, the skin-to-skin serving as a bigger comfort than anything else. “Well, two.”

“Okay.” You managed a small chuckle, unable to refute his charm even if you felt like the world was ending.

“I want you to get checked out at the hospital. I wanted to take you before, but I knew you wouldn’t let me.” At that, you grimaced, knowing you couldn’t foot the bill even if it was just for a simple check up. “Please, Utah?”

“Yeah, alright.” You cleared your throat, figuring that it would just add up on top of the old ones. Hopefully someday you would be able to tackle them. “Last one?”

“I want to come to an NA meeting with you.” He said. “I don’t know about this stuff, Utah, but I want to learn. I want to be there for you, to support you and to love you.” He explained further. “If you want that, of course. I want you to be comfortable.” You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth, mulling over the idea in your mind for a moment. It wouldn’t be hard to bring him, and certainly no worse than the things you had told him already. In fact, it might be nice to have someone with you, someone who cared. It would help him learn how to help you, and from what you could see, that’s all he wanted to do.

To be loved is to be seen.

To be loved is to be heard.

To be loved is to be known.

To be loved is to be changed.

He saw you, he heard you, he knew you.

It was time for you to allow yourself to be changed, and to do it with him by your side seemed to be the most pleasant way to do it.

“Yeah,” you even managed a small smile. “I think that would be alright, Michigan.”

“Okay.” He hummed, resting his head against yours ever so gently.

“So, that’s it?” You asked, your hand lowering to his bicep as he pulled you closer. “Does this change anything?” You couldn’t help but inquire, unsure what the next steps would be.

“No, Utah… I really don’t think it does.” He placed a kiss on your forehead, a small smile on his lips as he did so.

In all truthfulness, you really didn’t feel like it changed anything either. The only thing you had ever done since meeting him was love him. The only thing he had ever done since meeting you was love you. The only thing that changed was your willingness to let him, and your willingness to say it aloud.

After an entire lifetime of begging for it, the cycle was finally deconstructed, one small anecdote at a time. You could only hope that you were strong enough to follow through with it, that you really were the person he thought you were. Now that you had a taste of what it was like to be truly loved, you could never imagine returning to a life of being unloved ever again.

TAGLIST: @imleavingyoufornewyork @itsafullmoon @bladenotblaze @jessicafg03 @peaceloveunitygvf @torniturntomyarrow @lostoverseer @clairesjointshurt @jordie-gvf @lallisonl @smoking-jakelane @gretavangirlie @hollyco @aintthatapity @dont-go-home-without-me @dyslexicchild13 @dannys-dream @josh-iamyour-mama

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builtbybrokenbells · 4 months ago

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belladonna | vi

Too beautiful to resist, and too deadly to survive; the tragic tale of belladonna in all its glory.

masterlist | taglist

Pairing: Danny Wagner x f!reader, f!reader x OC, OC X OC

Word Count: 23k

Warnings: Please heed the warnings carefully and understand that the scenes and themes in this chapter can be extremely triggering and/or upsetting to some readers. This is a detailed and extensive list, but please inform me if I miss something, and it will be added immediately.

ALL OC—Overdoses, active OD/mentions of previous OD, graphic scenes/descriptions of overdose (stimulants & narcotics), heavy descriptions of addictions/addicts/addict behavior, use of/heavy mentions of drug use (stimulants/narcotics), heavy mentions of relapsing, trauma bonds, abusive/toxic romantic relationships, descriptions of toxic/abusive parents, PTSD/CPTSD behaviors/reactions/explanations, dissociation, shock/descriptions of being in shock, trauma, triggered trauma responses, near death experiences, suicidal ideation, mentions of/toxic/abusive relationships, mentions of death/dying, brief mentions of seizures, absent parents, death of a parent, parents with active addictions, missing persons, police stations/reports, neglect of children, mentions of criminal activity/criminal records, gambling, brief mentions of guns/bullets, poverty, crying, mentions of homelessness, mentions of physical violence, mentions of blood/scenes with blood/bleeding, vomit, extreme emotional distress, mentions of cheating, mentions of AA/NA, NA meetings, fighting, yelling, name calling, insults, drinking, flirting, mentions of hookups/sex, smoking, depression/anxiety, mental health struggles

Emergency substance abuse hotline (US): 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

Canadian Mental Health and Addictions Phone Line: 1-833-553-6983

Virtual NA meetings and support (worldwide)

Canada’s complete comprehensive list of addiction helplines, inpatient/outpatient programs, and family support per province | UNITED STATES

Remember, no matter what is portrayed in fiction or media, the safest course of action for anyone suffering from an overdose (accidental or intentional) is to call 911.

Hi everyone. I think an apology and explanation is due before we get too far into this. This chapter is the main reason for my sudden absence from Tumblr, and after 28 days of writing this and trying my best to perfect and encapsulate the feelings and emotions of this particular chapter, I finally found the courage to post it and share it with you. This chapter is incredibly personal to me, as is every emotion and scene within it. When I started writing belladonna, I knew I would be putting myself on display through my writing in a way i have never done with you before. As I sit and edit this chapter, I’ve learned that sometimes being on display and relating to others is the only way for me to heal and work through this.

This chapter is course, gritty, a bit gruesome, and fictional, as much as it is based on real life events that happen to many people behind closed doors. When opting to write about my struggles with addiction, I never wanted to come on here and sugarcoat a disease that is vile, cruel, gross and above all, deadly. I have been very lucky to be blessed with so many friends and supporters when I started posting on here, and your love has bled the courage into me. This particular story has been incredibly cathartic for me, even if writing it has been painful by times. It is my hope that by telling a story about my own struggle, that maybe somehow I can reach someone who has felt the same or been through something similar and help them. Love is the only way through, as is being honest and transparent, and I hope my honesty is conveyed and that my love for you all is so apparent in everything I do and post.

Please heed the warnings at read at your own discretion. Kindly send me a message if I have missed anything. Please send me a message if you need an ear. I love you all so very much. 🤍 be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes.

June 29, 2022 - 2:15 AM

“Holy shit, Utah.” Danny huffed out a breath, his drooping eyes tired yet somehow still full of life. He was eyeing the stack of your old journals he piled high, still collecting them from boxes shoved in the corner of your living room. “When you say you write a lot, you really mean it.”

“Always have.” You shrugged, sitting cross-legged on a kitchen chair as you watched your brand new vinyl records spin round and round. Your bloodshot eyes were an obvious indicator of your high, and the giggles that fell from your lips when you heard the crackle of dust under the needle only solidified it. The joints Dylan and Vincent gifted you were top notch, and half of one (shared, of course) nearly had you on your ass.

You looked back over your shoulder, a lazy smile on your lips as your gaze landed on Danny. He was sitting on the floor, eyes wide as he continued to place the books atop each other in a makeshift Jenga tower. It was tilted to the left, swaying under the weight of every new book he added as it threatened to collapse. He seemed to notice it too, taking the initiative to start a separate pile right next to it, determined to do the same thing all over again.

“Most of those came with me from Utah. Well, arrived from Utah, I guess.” You corrected yourself. He looked to you, his head cocked to the side as he awaited an explanation, knowing very little about your travels to New York. “When I moved here, I really only had one bag. Some clothes, my laptop, and the journal I was currently using… and one empty one. I was determined to get the hell out of there, and that meant I didn’t really have a whole lot of time to plan… or pack.” You explained, giggling at the painful memory. Right now, you were floating, happier than you had ever been—the sorrows that backpacked to New York with you seemed far away, like it had little effect on you anymore, even if you knew it would haunt you along with the sobriety the morning brought. “I hitchhiked to Salt Lake, bought a bus ticket with the last money left in my account and left on the next one out.”

“I spent my first few weeks at a shelter until I got back on my feet. I applied for some jobs, and John took a chance on me at the Fox. He helped me out of a shit place, and some days I really feel like I owe him my life. Once I had employment, I was able to apply for subsidized housing, which landed me here.” You continued, your eyes fluttering closed as ‘Dirty Work’ spun to a close for the hundredth time that night. “When I got my first paycheck from the Fox, I called my brothers up and told them I’d cover all the fees for them to pack up my stuff and ship it out… plus a little extra for having to deal with our mother while they cleaned out my room.” At that, he gave a little laugh, agreeing with the fact despite how little he knew about her.

“But, they’re the best, and instead of mailing it out, they stuffed Patrick’s mini-van full of boxes and drove 32 hours to get here.” You rolled your eyes, remembering how angry you were with them for wasting their money and time to do so.

“By that expression, makes me believe they aren’t the best.” Danny gave a soft smile, picking up on your mannerisms long before now. Studying you had proved interesting—everything he learned only made him more confused and even more intrigued. You had the ability to make a good thing seem horrible, and the worst of things seem like a walk in the park.

“No, they definitely are.” You conceded, lifting the needle and placing it back to the second song on the first side of the vinyl. By the rate you were going, your copy of the album would look the same as your childhood one did, but you didn’t care. It had been years since you got to experience the song on vinyl, and you weren’t ready to give up the even happier version of the old memory.

You and Danny had driven Sam back to the Airbnb in the early afternoon, only to go for dinner at a fancy restaurant and blunder around the busy streets of New York, hand in hand. You returned back to your apartment, leftovers in small takeout containers and your heart more full than your belly. You sat on the couch, a complete tangle of limbs as you watched the sun sink through the windows Sam had coined as beautiful.

Eventually, you smoked the joint previously mentioned, and landed on the living room floor as you let him dig through boxes of your old life. It made it easy for him to know you better, without the struggle of you having to tell him all of it.

“Hunter and Patrick… they’re too good to me. Always have been. If not for them, I'm sure I wouldn’t have survived. Before I moved here, I wasn’t in a very good spot—the worst I’ve ever been actually, and they stuck by my side even when they shouldn’t have. This… New York was my final step in getting better, and it hurt them to see me leave, but they were so proud. Seeing them here, after everything I put them through, was a lot. Emotionally, spiritually, physically. We had a really good few days, but leaving them behind hurt me enough, and watching them leave me behind nearly killed me.” You continued, resting your chin on your hand and feeling your elbow dig further into your knee. You were high enough that the pressure didn’t phase you.

“Why did you have to leave?” He asked, not knowing he was prodding at the most painful part of your entire history. Still, you cared for him enough to try, even if you weren’t ready to give him everything.

“I was mixed up with a bad crowd, and it was starting to take a toll on me. Mentally, I was just… gone. Completely numb and exhausted, and didn’t really care what happened to me. Think everything that happened at my mother’s house, when we were kids, it finally caught up to me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I didn’t. I shoved it so far down and masked it with coping mechanisms that only seemed to hurt me more. Bandaids when I needed stitches… or in some cases, to cut the whole limb off.” You gave a dry chuckle as you looked out the window, noticing a few twinkling stars above the city smog.

“You can talk about it, if you want.” He whispered, still stacking the journals but with much less enthusiasm. You believed he was only doing it in an attempt to keep his hands busy and look less interested than he truly was. If you felt too invested in such hard topics for too long, you had a tendency to back off or shut down.

As he did so, a picture fell out from one of the books, fluttering to the ground as his eyes followed it. He placed the book atop the growing tower, reaching down and picking up the Polaroid to get a closer look. He squinted, the low light of the room making if difficult to decipher the picture he held in his hand. After a moment, he let out a small gasp of shock.

“Utah, is this you?” He asked, catching your attention. Carefully, he stood, walking to your side as he flashed the photo in your direction. You grabbed it from him, looking for only a moment before feeling a wave of sickness twist your stomach.

“Yeah,” you cleared your throat of its rasp, feeling the scratch of smoke still affecting it. “Not long after high school.” In the picture, yours and your brother's faces were all squeezed into the frame, cheek to cheek as you smiled as wide as you could.

It was a beautiful memory, a part of your old life that you missed so dearly; being with your brothers through thick and thin, never experiencing any troubles on your lonesome. Seeing it made you sad, feeling the year and a half of loneliness creep up on you all at once. At the same time, a different wave of sadness washed over you, seeing a picture of a woman you forever wished to run away from.

Your face was gaunt, pale and tired. The bags under your eyes were bold, and there were a collection of small scabs on your cheeks from your constant skin-picking. Your lips were chapped, dry and cracked, and your eyes themselves held no life or light. Your teeth looked brittle even through the still picture, making you run your tongue over the back of them instinctively (a deadly habit you had picked up after you started to sober up, reminding you why you needed to stay sober.) You knew they’d only worsened since then, reminding you of one of your biggest insecurities. Your face was slender, no fat left on the bones that were nearly poking through the skin (that appeared to be hanging off). Your hair was dry, thin, and brittle. It looked as though you could break it all off with a single tug.

The picture was taken at the height of your addiction, just after graduation when you moved out of your mothers house and had a taste of full-fledged freedom. Issue was, you had only ever known how to abuse it. Your graduation money went towards a half years worth of fixes, and nowhere near any kind of post-secondary education. Your brothers were happy that you were alive, but you could see the worry etched deep into their features.

You wondered if Danny noticed the things you did, if he cared as much as you did. When you looked up at him, you noticed him studying the photo with a glimmer of admiration in his eye, forcing you to realize he could never view you in the same light you saw yourself in.

“You look so different.” He noted, his eyebrows furrowed with curiosity. He seemed to be trying to place the obvious disconnect between you and the younger version of yourself, but he was struggling.

“I was different.” You answered it for him. “Completely different person, and hopefully won’t ever be that one again.” You continued, wondering if he would pick up on your subtle hints and figure it out himself. You still dreaded the day you would have to explain to him the entirety of your story.

You were dying of a sickness more sinister than he could comprehend, and in the photograph, you were clinging to life by a thread. You looked ten years older than you did now, and you weren’t even surprised he did not recognize you upon first glance.

“And these are your brothers?” He asked, noticing the glaring similarities in your faces. You gave a hum of agreement, nodding ever so slightly. “You all look so much alike.”

“My parents weren’t good for much, but they sure knew how to make carbon copies of themselves.” You joked, handing the Polaroid back to him and effectively ending the conversation.

He walked back to his earlier post, catching the hint and going along with it. When he sat down again, you faced the window and leaned forward, using your strength to unlatch the lock on them. When they pulled free, the rusted hinges let out a tired groan, and you pushed it open. The screenless opening pelted you in the face with warm summer air, causing you to take a long inhale and let the wind breathe courage through you. At the same time, little to your knowledge, Danny had stopped stacking the worn and well used books, instead picking one from the top and flipping it open. Even if you knew what he was doing, you wouldn’t have stopped him. Now, the two of you were close enough that whatever was written would come out eventually.

Now stuck thinking about the photo and your brothers, you were plagued with a feeling that only ever seemed to eat away at you. You thought of Danny’s earlier words, about talking if you wanted to. You decided that for once, you would say it aloud instead of letting the noise suffocate you.

“My mom was a monster.” You eventually spoke, the chirp of crickets filling your ears, covering the crinkle of garbage that the crows were picking through. He froze, his eyes flickering from the scrawl of the journal pages to you, only to realize you weren’t even looking in his direction. “God, that feels good to say out loud.” You laughed, feeling lighter just from the small confession alone.

“Keep going.” He urged, wanting you to know the safety of your heart if you were to place it in his hands. You were afraid, but you knew if you chose to confide in him, you wouldn’t regret it. So far, you hadn’t, and he showed no sign of slowing down.

“She was everything a mom shouldn’t be. She used fists instead of words… insults instead of advice, and she was absent even though she was always right there. I don’t think she ever really had any desire to have kids or start a family, it just happened. Patrick was an accident, and Hunter was even more so. Me? I was the mistake. Least that’s what she always said, anyway.” As you spoke, he flipped through the journal and skimmed the lines, desperate for a taste of the woman you used to be. “She was an alcoholic, a user, an abuser, and the biggest bully I’ve ever met. Her and my dad met in high school, when they were real young and stupid, and made three irreversible mistakes. They bought a poor excuse for a house for dirt cheap when she got knocked up with Patrick, and dad skipped out for the first time not long after.” He was listening, and you knew that. So, without stopping, you continued to tell a tale you had sworn to never speak of again. You traced the scarred stick and poke on your finger as you formulated your thoughts.

“By the time I was four, my parents were so dysfunctional and broken that they almost had no choice but to put it on us. My mom dabbled in some drugs, but her kryptonite was always the bottle. My dad, though… he was a fan of anything he could get his hands on. He was gone more often than not, and every time he came back, he was barely recognizable. Just when we started to get used to the newest version him, he’d disappear and it would start all over again. I remember sitting in the living room, comforting my mom while she cried until it eventually turned to anger. It didn’t take long for me to learn when to hide.” His eyes flickered to you, but he didn’t dare interrupt.

“My dad went missing when I was five—a sad little lapse of time when we didn’t know if he was alive or dead. Mom started to worry when he was gone longer than usual, and he wasn’t asking for money or breaking in to steal and pawn off our TV. We went down to the police station to file a report, just to be safe. I remember sitting with the chief, and he gave me this little teddy bear… it was ratty and was missing an ear, but it was mine. First thing that was ever just mine, you know? For a few years, I carried it with me everywhere, ‘till my mom got pissed off at me for something and threw it out.” You paused, your face burning as you recounted the worst years of your life. You still missed that damn teddy bear with everything in you, and you probably always would.

But it was never about the teddy bear at all. It was always about the lack of love you received from the one person who should have gave you the most.

Your chest ached with a fervor, and for a moment you thought you might finally succumb to the pain. Still, you persevered and gave him everything you were willing to dish out.

“He came back around, though. He always did. He wasn’t dead, but he did hop the state line to hide from some people he owed money to. He looked rough, but it didn’t take long for us to get used to that version of him, just like always. He stuck around for a little bit, and we all kind of thought he was going to stay that time. Just before Christmas that year, him and my mom really got into it. It was the worst they’d ever fought, and we saw a lot from them. Screaming, breaking things…” you trailed off, your eyes glossy from emotion rather than substance as they flickered to the street below you. Not even tracing the poorly done tattoo served you any comfort. “We all went downstairs to break it up, just like always, but before I got to the bottom of the stairs, Patrick picked me up and brought me back to my room. Told me to hide in the closet until he came back for me. I still don’t know what they saw that night, but it must have been bad.”

“And that was the last time I saw my dad.” You concluded, swallowing back bile as you ignored your racing heart and sweaty palms. You figured for sure he thought you were crazy, that he was already planning an excuse to get the hell out because he couldn’t deal with your shit anymore, but neither of those things were true.

“Ever?” He asked, his eyes twinkling with a saddening curiosity. He hated to pry, but he was so damn determined to know you he jumped at the chance to learn more. You looked back over your shoulder, shocked at his question and wondering if he was feigning interest in hopes to make it less awkward. When you saw the sincerity in his face, you almost doubled over in pain.

Why did he care so much?

“Yeah, ever.” You confirmed, whispering the words so softly that you barely heard yourself. “We had a ceremony for him when I was ten, but it was nothing special. Buried an empty casket and called it a day. For a while, the three of us held on to hope that we jumped the gun, but I think after seventeen years, it’s safe to say we made the right call. Not like he was a dad at all, but the bastard didn’t even say goodbye before he kicked the bucket.” Your anger and spite for the situation was still abundant within your heart, and your chest ached when you thought of it for too long. You didn’t want to be angry with him, or at anyone for his death, but at the end of the five stages of grief, you were stuck in one, perpetual cycle of anger that you never could rid yourself of. Anger for the situation, for your lost childhood, for his lost life at the hands of a disease that almost took you, too.

“What happened after that?” He asked, approaching carefully so you knew it was with good intent.

“Life just… carried on.” You shrugged, curious as to why it hurt so much less when your eyes were on him. Even if you didn’t understand why, you gave into the feeling and stood from the chair. You took a seat on the other side of the stacked journals, just wanting to be closer to him without having to express it aloud. You were giving much more to him than you’d ever given to anyone else, and you were trying to keep some semblance of normalcy. “My mom pretended nothing happened, wanted us to do it too. We got home from the funeral, and she never changed her ways. Sent us upstairs and told us to be quiet ‘cause she didn’t want to listen to us bitch about it all night.”

“Oh my god.” Danny let his shock slip, his expression showing guilt as soon as the words passed his lips. “I’m sorry, Utah. I didn’t mean—“

“It’s okay.” You assured him, giving a soft smile. “It’s a lot to hear, which is why I was so scared to tell you. Don’t want it to scare you, or make you think differently, or whatever.”

“No, Y/N.” He shook his head. “That’s not… not even close.” He extended his arm out, his palm cupping your cheek as his thumb caressed your burning skin. “I want to hear it. I want to hear everything. It just.. it hurts to know that you had to go through that. It frustrates me to know my favorite person in the whole world still suffers because of it, and it pisses me off that anyone could have the heart to do it to you in the first place.” He explained, his eyes never leaving yours. “So please, Utah. I want to hear it. I swear it’s not going to change anything.”

But he didn’t really know.

How could he assure you it wouldn’t change anything until the minute it left your lips? How could he promise something he had zero clue about? If he did leave, you couldn’t blame him. If anything, you wanted him to. As much as you loved his company, he didn’t deserve the turmoil you would bring to his life, the struggles and troubles of your beaten down and broken mind. He deserved the world, bright and shiny, and you could not give him that, no matter which version of you he got.

“Please don’t back out on me now. I want you to tell me, but it’s also going to make me feel things. Not because I think less of you, but because I care about you.” He tucked a lock of hair safely behind your ear, borderline begging for you to understand. “I’ve been waiting for you to open up since the day I met you, and I don’t care if I’m being greedy. I want more, Utah. I want everything, no matter how terrible or awful.”

“Stop.” You bit back a smile, reaching around the stack of journals and shoving him gently. “Stop doing that.”

“Get used to it.” He shot back, carefully maneuvering around the journals to land a quick peck on your lips.

You hated to admit it, but you already were. It wasn’t growing accustomed to the support that was the issue, but rather surviving the loss of it when he was gone.

“Fine.” You huffed, the lingering feeling of his kiss definitely a successful persuasion tactic. “My mom was horrible before that, and just the same after the fact. She was a bully—a lying, conniving, narcissistic, self-serving bitch. Nothing we ever did was good enough, and she made every one of her problems ours. She was always angry, crude and cruel, and she never took care of us. The house was dirty, and she was always drunk. We were always supposed to be quiet, and we’d get in trouble if we weren’t. When she wasn’t yelling or insulting us, she was giving us the silent treatment, or she was gone. Sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for days. When she was feeling nice, she’d drop us off at our grandparents house, but most of the time we were there alone.” You sighed out the last words, wondering how it felt so good and so bad to confess it all at the same time.

“She hated my grandparents because they were my dads parents. I don’t think we ever met hers, to be honest. They probably wanted nothing to do with her either, appalled that they raised such a horrible person. Even though she talked bad about them all the time, she used them for all they were worth, just like she did with everyone else. We had a few social services visits, but she was such a good actor that we never got taken away.” You grimaced at the thought, knowing it was the only time she ever put in any effort to make the house look presentable. “When I was twelve, she met a new guy. At first, we couldn’t believe how much she changed. Now I know it was just to get him where she wanted him. Not that it would have been that hard, anyway.” You scoffed, rolling your eyes at the memory of the miserable man.

“She got a full time job, and the house was spotless. She stopped being so physical with us, but she was still the same old, miserable cunt under the surface.” You didn’t like to use the word often, but you knew for her, it was more than fitting. “When we first met the guy, he seemed nice. Then we moved into his house, and he showed his true colors. Probably why the two are still together.” You shuddered. “He was rich rich. Pool in the backyard, fancy dishes in the kitchen, two and a half bathrooms… all that stuff, but we weren’t allowed to touch anything. He barely acknowledged us unless it was to yell or to side with our mom when she got on one of her power trips.”

“She got a job at his office, and to everyone else, seemed like the perfect woman and mother. They still nursed a bottle of brandy before bed, and she still hated us, though. Kept up appearances, but never actually tried to change. We practically lived in our bedrooms because it was hell to be in the same room as the two of them, and they kicked Patrick out when he was seventeen. Hunter kind of… detached when dad ‘died’, and when we moved there, it got even worse.” You quoted around the word ‘died’, because still to this day, you could never be one hundred percent certain. “So I kinda took care of myself, which admittedly, was the worst person to do it. I’ve learned in my twenty-some odd years that the last person I can rely on is me.” You mumbled, swallowing hard as you confessed. “But, because of that, I have a really hard time letting anyone help. It’s a hard situation to be in, knowing I can’t do it on my own but too stubborn to lean on anyone else.”

“Can lean on me.” He offered, still flipping through the journal pages. He’d moved on to a different one now, still listening but making it a little easier on you. “Been asking you this whole time.”

“I know.” You whispered, saddened at the idea. It wasn’t that easy, even if you wished it was. “I want to.”

“We’ll work on it.” He shrugged as if it were no big deal. You watched him, your eyes sparkling with an emotion you refused to admit to, and wondered how he made it seem so easy to love you. Before him, nobody ever did. Loving you seemed like a curse or a nuisance to everyone who stumbled upon it, but he accepted it with open arms and begged for it to come again.

“She really fucked me up.” You concluded, switching topics so you did not have to dwell on the feelings running rampant in your stomach. “She’s all of my fears rolled into one big pile, and she’s made me hate myself just because I look like her. I don’t talk about it often because I feel like I should be over it, but it still bothers me so much. More than anything else in the whole world. I’m always looking over my shoulder, so self-critical, waiting to fail all because she pushed that narrative.”

“You don’t just get over that kind of thing, Utah.” Danny’s eyebrows furrowed as he spoke. “It stays with you for life, unfortunately. You get to choose whether it kills you or not. You get to choose what you do with it.”

“So far, I haven’t chosen very well.” You gave a sad smile, the thought haunting.

“I’d have to disagree.” He replied, his eyes quickly glancing up at you. “After everything, you’re still good. You want to help people, to help yourself. Even if you fell down a few times, it has to count for something.” You thought about it for a moment, your mouth running dry at the prospect of his words.

“Yeah, s’pose so.” You gave a bleak nod.

“For the record, I think you’re doing fantastic.” He said, still reading the journal so he didn’t come on too strong. He had learned in the long few months he’d spent by your side that you ran when things felt too serious. Always being mindful of nonchalance, he was doing the same thing now. “Even if you think you’re not, I promise that you are. Working your ass off to make ends meet so you can follow your dream. Not many people have the drive to do that.”

“Thank you.” You whispered, your voice cracking as your eyes welled with tears. That’s all you had ever wanted, to do good and be good, and to know he thought so was almost too much to bear. “Don’t say you’re proud of me.” You couldn’t handle it, and you feared if he did, you would fade away into nothingness.

“Too bad, ‘cause I am.” He grinned, not one bit sorry about it.

“Fuck you, Michigan.” You laughed, the action causing tears to leak from the corners of your eyes. You raised your palm to your face, swiping away the physical reminders of your painful life. The coolness of your skin offset the burning of your cheeks, bringing you back to earth for a moment. “I just… I know I can’t change anything, and I know that staying stuck in it will only ever make it worse, but I just wish they cared a little bit more. Not even asking for them to be perfect parents, or anything crazy like that, cause I know that would never happen. I just wanted them to love me, and love me more than they loved to get fucked up… more than they loved themselves, even just for a minute.” You let out a shaky breath, more tears blurring your vision as you let all of the pent up emotions out.

“To feel like I was worthy of loving, that I didn’t do anything to make them feel this way towards me, or do all of those horrible things.” Your eyes flickered to the back of your hands, and through the fast flowing tears, you could see faded white circles on the skin, reminders of a million cigarettes your mother smoked and used as punishments. “I’m a walking reminder of the people I hate the most, and it kills me. Nothing takes it away, no matter how hard I try to forget. It’s always a part of me, and I’m terrified that in sixty years, I’ll be the woman I fear more than anything else. I’m scared that right now, I’m exactly what she thought I would be; wasted potential, wasted space, and a poor excuse for a human.”

“Hey,” Danny said, reaching out as he wiped tears from your cheeks. “I can never understand it, Utah. I don’t know what that’s like, and it’s okay that I don’t. I don’t need to understand it to know that you are worth the entire world and more, that sometimes I really believe you’re the best thing to ever walk this earth. Nothing will take away from what already happened, but you need to know that you deserve better. You deserve everything. You’re worth loving, and it’s pretty damn easy to do it, too. You could never be her, Utah—you’re the best damn girl in the whole world, and she can’t hurt you anymore.” He paused, scooting a little closer so he could reach you more comfortably. “What happened was awful, but I will spend the rest of my days doing everything I can to convince you that she’s wrong.”

There it was again; the promise of forever, despite the end being closer than you could begin to comprehend.

You ignored the inadvertent confession of love because you were nowhere near ready to accept it. Well, that, and because the two of you had already done it a million times or more. Because of your fears, you’d grown to be well versed in saying ‘I love you’ while never having to say it at all.

“Stop it.” You said through gritted teeth, his sweet words only making it more painful. His love was too good, too strong, and it was challenging every miserable moment of your life and conquering it in an instant. He made it worth the pain. That in itself wasn’t a crime, but you were terrified of losing the feeling and reverting back to the person you were before you met him.

“Get used to it.” He said, firmly and unrelenting.

“I can’t.” You shook your head, recoiling at the sound of his words. “I can’t get used to it when I know you’re leaving.”

There it was, the elephant in the room finally addressed. As the words left your lips, you wished to swallow them back down and forget about them entirely. The look of pain on his face was haunting, and it hurt you even worse to know you had caused it.

“Utah, you don’t actually think I’m going to stop caring once I leave, right?” He asked, almost nervous to hear the answer. “Baby,” he continued, shoving the towers of journals out of the way. He crossed the invisible boundaries the two of you had subconsciously drawn, taking you into his arms without a second thought about it. “This summer… these last few months have meant everything to me. I’m not just saying all this stuff because it sounds good or feels right in the moment—I mean it. Knowing you, caring about you, being with you, has been the most fantastic experience yet. I came to New York for inspiration, and I found something way beyond what I ever thought was possible. I found you, and I’ll be damned if I let that go.”

“But you don’t know.” You argued, melting into his touch despite your brain begging you to run and hide, to leave before it was too late and he left first. “You could meet a million better people in Nashville. You could realize that I wasn’t as great as you thought I was when you were here. You could change your mind, find someone who can be what you deserve, and you wouldn’t have to worry about me. You wouldn’t have to stress, or care, or worry about anything other than you being happy. I can’t hold you back, and I can’t stand in your way.”

“Utah, that’s not even possible. You are the best, and you would never hold me back.” He said, his lips hovering just over your ear as he pressed a kiss to the side of your head. “Moving to Nashville and pursuing music has been the goal—the dream. At the same time, it’s going to be blind luck if we even make it. Part of the reason we put it off so long is because we’re scared, because we don’t know if it will be what we dreamed of. When we packed for New York, we were stuck. No writing, no inspiration, no idea. We came here to find it, and if we didn’t find it here, we were going to move on to somewhere new.”

You stopped everything; stopped crying, stopped panicking, stopped worrying, because all you wanted to do was listen. When it came to him, nothing else mattered.

“We got here, and before anything else, before we settled into the Airbnb, before we explored the town, I met you. My first morning in New York, I was nervous, tired, and uncertain. I thought for sure we bit off more than we could chew. I went to that diner alone, looking over that menu and worried about failing, wondering what the hell I was thinking, and I looked up and my entire world got flipped upside down. The sweetest smile and the prettiest eyes I’d ever seen, and for some reason that I still can’t understand, you looked at me the same way I was looking at you. In ten seconds, I knew why we came to New York, and I knew that I had nothing to worry about anymore.” He continued, his steady heartbeat against his chest calming as he confessed to everything he was feeling.

“I didn’t think you’d text me back, and I went home to Sam and talked his ear off all day about the pretty girl from the diner just off the highway. That night, we sat down and we wrote. Songs I never thought we’d even start, we finished. I told Sam I wanted to stay because it seemed like the right spot for us, but it was always because of you.” He said, the smell of his cologne suffocating you as you laid your head on his shoulder. For a moment, you truly believed that death was a friend so long as it was in his arms. “The more I got to know you, the more I felt that you were the very thing I was supposed to find. Since I met you, Utah, everything makes sense again. Music is easy, it’s fun, and I remember why we started doing it in the first place. I don’t feel like I’m walking through the clouds all of the time. I know where I want to be and what I want to do, and you’re the reason why.”

“Me too.” You struggled to suck in a breath, feeling like you were choking on the air as it passed into your lungs. Your chest was tight, your head pounding as you worried his hand was burning straight through your skin. “I felt like I was headed nowhere, that I went through all of this stuff for nothing and I’d be stuck at the Fox for the rest of my life. You changed it. You made things brighter.”

“That’s what I mean, Y/N. I know this stuff scares you, and to be honest, it scares me too. I don’t think either of us planned for this, but I don’t regret it, and I certainly don’t want to forget it. I want to know you, Utah. I want to be with you, just like this, and I don’t want it with anyone else. We don’t have to label it—we can be friends that care a hell of a lot too much, and that’s fine, as long as I’m the one who gets to listen, and I’m the one who gets to hold you like this.” He paused, seemingly overcome with emotion at the simple thought of someone else being this person for you. “You give me too much, make me feel too much for me to let this go. You think you don’t do anything for me, or you don’t deserve what we do for you… baby, you are everything. You do more than you could ever possibly imagine.”

“Danny,” you whimpered, the sentiments so powerful they were nearly tearing you in two. Your words were muddled with tears dripping from your eyes, dampening the fabric of his t-shirt. Why did it hurt so bad to be loved? Why did it hurt so bad to be treated so well? “I don’t know how to do this… I don’t know how to love, I don’t know how to be loved, but I want it so bad. I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life, and I want it with you.” And for you to say that, you must have wanted it incredibly bad.

What had he done to you?

“We’ll figure it out, Utah.” He promised, pulling you closer to him. “Please figure it out with me. When I go to Nashville, I’m not leaving you. I want to figure it out, even if we’re a million miles apart, or if we’re right here together. You’re worth it.” It was so hard to take him seriously, to believe he could mean the things he was saying and that he was committed to staying.

“Do you mean that?” You asked, unsure if you wanted an answer.

“Of course I do.” He assured you, easing the fear ever so slightly. You sat in silence for a moment, neither of you sure where to go from there and terrified to say something wrong. “Do you want to figure it out with me, Utah?” He eventually asked, the uncertainty eating him alive. Your lips pressed tightly together, the tears slowing to a stop as you thought about it. You did want to figure it out, and only ever with him. There was no doubt about it, so why was it so hard to say it aloud?

“Yes.” You whispered, nodding your head against him.

At that, the two of you seemed to let out a simultaneous sigh of relief. You felt better to admit it, and he felt better from hearing it.

“Okay… so we will.” He concluded, his thumb gently grazing your bare arm as he let it drift over the skin. For the first time since you started seeing him, the future didn’t seem so bleak. “Why don’t you come with me?” He asked, seemingly out of nowhere. Your heart stopped, the aching in your head ceasing and your blood freezing solid in your veins.

“What?” You whispered, afraid to move and terrified to remain in his arms. Your entire nervous system seemed to be eating itself, leaving you in a puddle of anxieties on the floor where you once sat. You felt yourself seeping through the cracks of the floorboards, dripping into the musty basement below, becoming nothing while the question hung heavy in the air.

“To Nashville.” He clarified, as if you had no idea what he was talking about. “Come with me.” The feeling of his arm around you suddenly felt suffocating, constricting as you felt the urge to run.

Stop running, Y/N.

He wanted you to join him, to be a part of his life indefinitely. He wanted it so bad he was willing to take the risk, but were you? Could you risk everything all over again?

Your conversation with Dylan only a few days prior rang loudly in your mind.

“Then chase it, sweetheart. If he feels the same, don’t stick around for us. You gotta be happy. You gotta take care of you.” Dylan said, more serious than ever before. “You waste your time and energy keeping us alive, then you wonder why you can’t get ahead. We’d be lost without you, but I’m scared we’ll lose you if you stay, too.”

“You've got a good head on your shoulders and I know you could make it anywhere in the world. If he asks you to go with him, go. I know you worry about us, but you’ve been searching for a ticket out, baby.” He explained. “If this guy really is all that, it’s worth chasing. I’ve never seen you this happy.”

“You can make anything make sense if you try, angel.”

Could you make it anywhere in the world? Was the head on your shoulders as good as he thought it was?

You knew about life in New York, and although it was terrible by times and everything but what you moved there in search of, you knew it. You were comfortable with it, knowing exactly what to expect and what it would bring. How could you leave and start over, especially knowing that it could turn out worse than this?

Fear ruled your life now, in every way possible. It was the driving force of every decision, the very pillar in which you’d built your current life upon, and the thing that kept you alive. You weren’t sure if chaos is what you needed anymore, because you felt as though it was the very reason you’d led yourself down such dark paths. Although miserable, your job at the Fox and your shitty low income rental was comfortable and reliable. If you jumped the gun and went to Nashville, you were becoming the very person you tried not to be. You didn’t want to be impulsive or rash any more. You didn’t want to chase a whim or a possibility. You needed more, and you weren’t sure if Nashville would give you that, or if it would further shatter your already fragile, personal ecosystem.

You had only known Danny for a short while. Could you give up everything to start over with him?

At the same time, you had to ask yourself, what the hell did you think you were giving up?

Poverty, struggle, ghosts of your addictions and the monsters of Utah that still lived in your closet. A rocky relationship with a man who barely ever loved you, and certainly never more than himself, or drugs. A friendship with Dylan, who was absent far more than he was present. An apartment that was filled with mold and falling apart every time you turned a corner, and a job that would get you no further ahead.

You weren’t giving up anything spectacular, and certainly nothing that would ever benefit you.

So why were you still so afraid?

Maybe it was because you were still in denial about loving him. Maybe because you couldn’t yet face the biggest demon of all; your crippling fear of abandonment.

What if you left and started over with him, only for him to decide you aren’t what he wants?

Worse yet, what if you agreed, and by the time September rolled around, he didn’t want you to come?

He still did not know the full story, the truest version of you that you rarely ever shared. You felt it unfair to agree to such a proposal without him knowing all of the details. He deserved more than that, and you still feared you could not give it to him.

Although, after everything, Danny had consistently proved he was willing to stick by your side no matter what kind of baggage you carried with you, no matter how heavy it was. You truly felt in your heart that he would not run, that he would not hide, and he would not change his mind.

That was why it scared you so. Not his possible lack of commitment, but rather his profound desire to stay.

Not once in your entire life had anyone ever wanted to stay, and now that someone did, you had no idea how to handle it.

“Utah?” You snapped from your thoughts, looking back at him with wide eyes and shock-parted lips. Your lungs burned for a breath of air and your mind was swirling with every previous thought and all new ones that stemmed from them. What should you do?

“I… Danny.” You finally choked out, feeling the words get stuck in your throat. You cleared your throat, swallowing back the lump of nervousness blocking your windpipe, never once breaking eye contact with him. “That’s… that’s a big deal, you know? Huge deal, actually.”

“I know, I know.” He conceded. “You don’t have to answer right now, but keep it in mind. Consider it, please. That’s all I’m asking.”

“Are you sure?” You were still in shock, disbelief plaguing you worse than ever before. You felt guilty for seeming so appalled, but at the same time, nobody had ever wanted to love you so badly.

“F’course I am, or I wouldn’t have asked.” He chuckled. “I want you there with me, Utah. Don’t care how crazy or stupid it seems. I just do. Like I said, you can take some time… but just talk to me about it. Don’t get in your own head and trick yourself into believing that I don’t want you, or whatever else you come up with.”

Damn him and his observant nature.

“Okay.” You nodded, taking his hand in yours to show him that you were being serious. “I will think about it. I will talk to you. I promise.”

“Okay.” He reiterated your statement, smiling to himself. Just as he spoke, your ringtone sounded from across the room, the volume grating and worsening the already tense nature of the situation. “You can grab that, s’okay.” He assured you, giving your arm a gentle squeeze. “This conversation can definitely continue some other time.”

“Okay, thank you.” You breathed, slowly removing yourself from his arms.

As much as you wanted to keep talking to him, you were grateful for the distraction so you didn’t have to focus too long on the pressing topic at hand. You stood, stretching your legs before you stepped towards the couch where your phone lay atop a torn cushion. From his spot on the floor, Danny watched as you grabbed the device as soon as the ringing ceased, sending the caller to voicemail.

“Huh,” you hummed, shrugging as you saw Dylan’s name flash across the screen.

You wondered what he needed so late, and why he had to call. Usually Dylan never clicked the dial button, and ignored every incoming call he received. Before you could ponder it for too long, the ringing began again. You hit accept, placing the phone to your ear and immediately hearing a rush of background chatter. You rolled your eyes, realizing it was probably an attempt from both boys to get you down to the Pony to celebrate your birthday.

“Hey, Dyl.”

“Y/N?” He asked, his voice shaky as it sounded over the hum of background noise.

“Yeah, what’s up?” You could hear him sniffle, your stomach plummeting almost immediately as the sound reached your ears.

“Are you home? Please tell me you’re home, doll.” He seemed frantic, panicked as he awaited your answer.

“Yeah, I’m home. What’s wrong?” You noticed he must have pulled his phone away from his ear, muffled shouting in the background that vaguely resembled his voice tipping you off.

“Baby, it’s Vin. I need you.” He continued, speaking before the phone touched his ear again. “I wouldn’t call if it weren’t important. Please.” Your blood ran cold, your palms sweaty as your eyes squeezed shut. You wondered if your head was in the right place, if your fears were misguided or somehow perfectly correct. “Doll, m’serious.” The slight slur of his words sent your feet running across the linoleum flooring automatically, your hand wildly searching for your keys on the mess of your kitchen table.

“Heading down now. Don’t move, don’t touch him, and don’t talk to anyone.” You ordered, your fingertips grazing the frayed lanyard that adorned your high school logo. You pulled them free from the mess they were hidden under, hearing a few loose items go scattering to the floor. “Okay?”

“Okay. I promise.” The waver in his tone made it seem like he was holding back tears, only forcing you to move faster. You hung up the call, not even glancing back at Danny as you slipped a hoodie over your head.

“What’s wrong?” He called out to you, concerned about your sudden shift in mood.

“Ahh,” was the only thing you could force out, your brain jumbled and words failing you. “Pony. The boys are in trouble.” You blinked hard, finally managing to convey the message. In an instant, he was on his feet and stepping towards you. You were in such disarray that you didn’t even react, moving towards the door to slip on a pair of shoes.

“What kind of trouble?” He asked, still hot on your trail. You reached a hand out and laid in on his chest, giving a soft shake of your head.

“You should stay here—really, you should.” You rushed out, your eyes glistening with fearful tears. Danny could not be a part of whatever you were about to walk into, because if he was, you were certain he would have more questions than he could contain. More than you could answer. “Please. Maybe even go back home. I might be a while.” You nervously shifted on your feet, your hand trembling even as you held it against his chest. Your emotion was radiating through you, seeping from your pores and only making him worry more.

“Are you kidding? I’m not leaving, Utah. Whatever it is, I can help.” He argued, only causing your head to fall forward and begin to ache further.

“Danny, you can’t—I can’t… trust me.” You knew exactly what you would walk into, and having him see it too was not something you were willing to accept.

“Y/N.” He warned, showing that he wasn’t willing to back down.

“Ugh—fine, okay!” You let out a growl of frustration, your fingers flicking the lock open and closing around the door handle. You didn’t have time to argue with him, and you certainly did not have any extra energy to waste. “Just… do what I say and don’t ask questions, okay?” You yanked the door open, stepping into the hallway with him close behind.

“What?” He asked, slamming the door shut behind him. Greatly displeased about your request, he made sure to voice his opinion and broke one of the very few rules you had just put in place.

“Danny, please.” You pleaded, rushing down the steps and out the main entrance. The warm summer air smacked you in the face as you tumbled onto the sidewalk, already hearing the buzzing of a crowd by the entrance to the Pony.

“Okay.” He agreed, gruffer than you’d ever heard from him before. He wasn’t happy about the arrangement, but if it meant he could tag along to make sure you were safe, he’d agree to it.

With a momentary sigh of relief, you shoved your way through the crowd of people hovering outside the door, mostly made up of ex-gangbangers and sleazy wannabe’s. Short-skirted women hung off their arms, the smell of hairspray and cigarettes thick as you heaved open the heavy glass door, which had recently been proved to be bulletproof.

Inside was no better, although a little less populated. The ancient bartender sent you a nod from the counter, and the poker table was crowded with the regular attendees. The few booths that lined the walls were mostly empty, save for a few slumbering patrons who would still be there when the sun rose in the sky. Your eyes trailed to the bright flashing lights of the slot machines, but did not linger there for long. You stepped forward, straight towards the narrow hallway that led to the single-stall bathrooms.

As you progressed downward, you noticed a shadow of a man against the door to the men’s room, head in his hands under the flickering light above. You raced towards him, reaching him within seconds as your hand grabbed his bicep to pull him out of whatever train of thought he was stuck on.

“Dyl,” you greeted, breathless with a racing heart as he looked up at you. His eyes were bloodshot, the bags underneath darker than usual as a ring of red lined his nostril. In the moment, you felt anger surge from the very top of your head, pulsing into your fingers and down to the tips of your toes. Your grip on his arm tightened, your teeth clenched tightly together as you resisted the urge to smack him. “What the fuck did you guys do?”

“M’sorry doll—it just happened so fast. I didn’t know who to call, or what to do, an’ you always know.” He explained, stress wrinkling his eyes and tears shining over his blown pupils. His hands pulled at the strands of his short hair, and you could feel the pain radiating from him.

“Tell me what happened so I can help.” You tried again, your hand raising to his cheek so you could force him to look at you. Danny was close by. You could feel the warmth of his body pairing with the thick air of the bar, quickly making you feel like you were suffocating.

“We came down here for a few drinks and a game of poker. That’s it, I swear.” He explained, fidgeting with his hands as you forced his eye contact. “Weren’t even planning on scoring, but we was playin’, and someone wagered an 8ball, and we didn’t think we’d win, but we did.” He was rambling, sniffing hard as he recalled the events of the night.

“Just coke?” You asked, firm as you needed a straight answer.

“I-i don’t know! I think so, but he was all dopey when we got here, didn’t think much of it ‘cause that’s just him… figured he got laid and was in a good mood for once. We split it in the bathroom, cause it ain’t nothin’ to us, you know? A-an’ he was fine—we played pool, and then he came back here and he disappeared. Came to check on him, an’ he was all loopy. He was mad at the world, like worse than normal, and he was all sweaty and confused, like he didn’t know where we were or what we was doin’.” You could tell that Dylan was also feeling the effects of the drug full force—his hands were vibrating, his skin burning to the touch and his heart rapid against his chest. He was taking large gulps of breath, and you were unsure whether it was to calm himself or because he felt like he could not breathe.

“He started twitchin’, an’ he couldn’t hold himself up, so he was slumped ‘gainst the counter. I tried to get him home but he kept pushin’ me off. He started to get sick, n’ I knew what was comin’, so i called you. You know this stuff, you know? You can fix anythin’ doll. You’re the only one he listens to. You’re the one he was askin’ for. You’re the only damn one we can count on.”

Anger was the first emotion that came to mind; pure, unadulterated rage because of their carelessness and lack of self-awareness. Also, anger because after being treated like garbage by Vincent, you were the first one to run to his rescue, just like always, all for him to use it against you later on down the line. You wanted to be done, to stop getting involved in their bullshit and avoid all of the triggers and setbacks for yourself, but you couldn’t. You cared too damn much, even if you didn’t want to anymore.

Second to your rage was fear—horrific, paralyzing, blood-curdling fear. How long did Dylan wait to call? How bad would it be when you walked inside? Was this the time he pushed his luck too far?

Also, what the hell was Danny thinking, standing behind you listening in on this?

“Is he awake?”

“Last time I checked, but he’s a damn mess.”

“Nothin’ I haven’t seen before.” You muttered. “Do as I say and don’t ask me any questions, both of you.” You heard a murmur of agreement, deciding that was good enough.

‘Okay, Y/N. Put your brave face on. Emotions to the side, help him and get out.’ You repeated it in your head until you found enough strength to place your hand on the knob.

“Just stay here for now, okay?” You said to the other two, turning the knob and pushing the heavy door open. The rusted spring on top groaned in agony as the tension was applied, and the broken doorstop scraped against the grimy floor tiles.

When you first peeked inside, you saw nothing out of the ordinary; the regular dirt of the bathroom remained, and the flickering fluorescent lights overhead was a picturesque reminder of a cheap horror movie. You stepped inside, cautious and quiet as you turned your head towards the waterlogged wooden countertop, the tap dripping steadily and adding another ambient sound alongside the humming radiator.

“Vin,” you breathed, your stomach twisting with nausea as you saw him sat down on the floor, half propped up against the counter cabinets and the wall. His head was hung low, his neck slumped forward and his hands limp by his side. “Hey, Vin?” You tried again, taking a knee beside him and grabbing his face in your hands. When his head was eye-level, you noticed his eyes were still open, but just barely. His eyelids were growing heavier by the second, and his skin was sickly pale.

He barely responded to your words, but he knew it was you. Ever so slightly, he raised his hand and landed it sloppily on your hip. His eyes searched yours, finding comfort in your presence as his tongue darted out over his lower lip. His grip on you was loose, but you knew he was holding on as hard as he could, just to assure you he was still there. You raised your hand to his forehead, placing the back of it to his sweaty skin. He was dripping, his body still vibrating ever so slightly as you noticed that he was no longer burning up.

“Hey, baby, please keep those eyes open, yeah? On me. Don’t look away, don’t fall asleep.” Your hand was shaking as you used the sleeve of your sweater to dry his face.

“D-don’t feel good.” He stuttered out, his chest heaving with his breaths. He sounded like he was choking on air as he wheezed it in, his eyes drooping lower with every second that passed.

“I know, honey. I’m going to help, but you have to tell me what you took.” You urged him to keep talking, trying to swallow your panic as you watched him closely.

“Don't want to die.” His voice was weak, his words coming out more similar to a whine as his eyes met yours. In that moment, you thought you were going to crumble and crack, that your calm exterior would fade and you would die alongside him.

“Don't talk like that, Vin.” Your response was firm, but your voice wavered as you held his face in your hands. “Did you take anything else? Just blow? Please answer me.” You had to break your stare, closing your eyes tightly for a brief second after watching a drip of blood fall from his nose and line his chapped lips.

He nodded his head to the floor, slow but effective as it averted your attention to the bag of tiny, white pills that lay beside his limp hand.

For a moment, tunnel vision began and the only thing that existed in the room was you, and the damn bag of OxyContin tempting you just by existing. The air was knocked straight from your lungs, your chest burning and your head throbbing as your gaze remained fixed on the very thing you once believed would kill you. The powder lining the bag made your sinuses burn as you imagined snorting it, and you felt your mouth begin to water at the simple idea of swallowing them down. The chalky feeling in your throat was a phantom sensation, but it was so strong, so intoxicating that it felt impossible to breathe.

For a single moment, Vincent did not exist before you, nor was he in dire need of your help. The two boys waiting patiently outside the door no longer mattered, and the red key tag hanging heavy on your lanyard, stuffed so carefully in your pocket meant nothing.

There was nothing in the entire world, no earthly being or invisible force that could rival the gravitational pull that tiny little bag had on you. There was no amount of sense or reason that could force you away from it, and your commitment to sobriety disappeared the minute it was in your sights, demolished when the demons themselves were within reach.

No matter how healed you believed you were, drugs still ruled your entire life. That was as hard to choke down as the urge to use itself.

A gurgling groan from Vincent allowed for a moment of clarity, making you see the truth of the situation. Without even realizing it, you had reached out and grabbed the bag in your hand, clutching it so tightly that your knuckles began to ache and turn white. You took in a gasp of air, giving your head a violent shake as you understood the implications of your subconscious actions.

“Dylan!” You whined, biting the tip of your tongue as you fought the urge to vomit. You kept applying pressure until the hint of metal filled your senses, knowing it was the only thing distracting you from the sound of your own psyche. As if they were waiting for your call, two heads popped in the doorway. It didn’t take long for Dylan to understand what he was dealing with, and in a single second, he was kneeling next to you. “Take it.” You choked out through clenched teeth, but made no move to hand them over.

“Give them to me, doll.” Dylan reached out a nervous hand, wanting you to come to that decision on your own to avoid a fallout.

“I won’t—I can’t.” Your words were guttural, terrified of your own mind as it refused to let you hand them to him. “Please, take them. Please, Dylan.” At that, his hands clasped tightly over your own, his eyes pleading with you to do the right thing.

“Come on, angel. This isn’t what you want. It’s not worth it.” He bargained with you, keeping his voice low.

“God, don’t you think I fucking know that?” You snapped, the vicious, venomous version of yourself quickly making an appearance. Very rarely did that side of you show, but it was always because of the same thing. “I wish it was that easy—I wish I didn’t want it.” Guttural, desperate, and exhausted, you didn’t need him to reason with you. “Take it from me, Dyl, ‘cause I won’t give them to you. I know you don’t like it, and you don’t want to do that to me, but you have to.” You pleaded. “Don’t be afraid. Don't be nice to me. I love you, and I need you to be mean. I’m going to get mad, and angry and upset, I’ll call you names and say shit I don’t mean, but it’s the right thing for both of us.” You continued, nodding to Vincent on the floor. You couldn’t stop the tears leaking from the corner of your eyes as your fingers clamped further around the bag in your hand.

Dylan grabbed your face in one of his hands, leaning forward and placing his forehead on yours. The feeling was grounding, reminding you of life after the high, of the things much more important than the urge to use that seemed to be taking over. You were shaking, every nerve ablaze and desperate to be freed.

“I love you, doll. Don’t hate me for it.” He said, his fingers gripping the thin plastic as he tried to pull it from your grasp. He held your head to his, forcing you to look at him to remind you of what was at stake as he wiggled his fingers under your own, your clammy palms making it all the easier for him. Not that your strength could ever rival his, but in the moment, he struggled to overpower you. Something inhuman took over when it came to drugs, something so sinister it made your head spin.

Eventually, he freed the pills, quickly closing them in his hand and stuffing them into his pocket. Immediately, you sprung forward, a switch flipping in your brain as your hand began grabbing at his wrist. Your nails scratched at his skin as you did everything in your power to get them back.

“Dylan, baby, please. I changed my mind.” You gasped, desperately pleading when you realized what you had given up. It didn’t seem so hard to resist until they were gone.

“No, doll. Absolutely not.” He shook his head, his hand remaining in his pocket as he watched your feeble attempts at overpowering him. A feral noise escaped you, a mix between a growl and a whine as panic began to creep up on you.

“Dylan, I’m not fucking joking.” You tried again, using all of your might to pull his hand free. He didn’t budge, staying strong despite watching you turn to a mess in an instant. He may have hated seeing you so pained, but not as much as he hated seeing you use.

“Neither am I.” He was stern, beating himself up for subjecting you to this even though he had no other option.

“Fuck you!” You spat, putting as much venom in your tone as you could muster. He recoiled at the sound, his eyes taking in your burning cheeks and fiery eyes. “Useless, no good for nothing, self-righteous, fucking prick.” You couldn’t help yourself, the worst version of you resurfacing and desperate to be heard after being repressed for so long. Dylan wasn’t hurt; if anything, he was biting back a laugh at your ridiculous behavior. If anyone knew the mind of an addict, it was him.

“This isn’t you, sweetheart. You don’t mean that.” His calm, soft rebuttal made you even angrier, but there was a soft spoken voice in the back of your mind pleading with you to see reason. “I love you—you’re better than this.”

You were better than this. At the end of the line, you were far more than the person you presented yourself as in the moment. You knew that, you knew how evil the addiction could make you, how vile you were when you craved the high, but it didn’t matter. Right now, it was the only thing you could think of, the very reason your heart beat and the driving force for each breath that filled your lungs.

“Please, doll. Think about it. Get through it. For me, for Vinny.” He whispered, his lips placing a delicate kiss on your forehead as he talked you through the worst of it. The need was pulsing under your skin, throbbing behind your eyes, drying your veins of the blood and replacing it with desperation. Your throat ached, your chest tight as you tried to listen to what he was saying.

You couldn’t do it; you weren’t strong enough to withstand it. You could feel the pillars you’d rebuilt cracking, wearing under the pressure and threatening to collapse.

And then you felt it—a small, barely there pressure on your hip, hardly even moving the fabric that lay under the hand that moved.

Vincent was still there, giving as much as he could in the moment, reminding you that you were better than the substance that used you.

“Oh my god.” You broke, taking in a gulp of breath as you snapped out of the trance you were previously stuck in. Vincent needed you, and more than he ever had before. You couldn’t let your mind beat you, especially when someone was relying on you. “Take everything. His wallet, the drugs, all of it—take it.” You snapped, a whirlwind of emotions ravaging you all at once. The anger, the fear, the unrelenting and undying urge, it was still there and growing worse by the minute. You pushed it back down, trying again to shake off the claws dug deep in your skin. You ignored the desires begging you to give in, covering it with concern as you squeezed your eyes shut and remembered why you were there. “Where’s his keys? His car?”

“I-in the shop.” Dylan confessed, stress clear in his tone from the moment the two of you shared just moments before. Your sudden shift was giving him whiplash, like two completely different people were in front of him at once. “We walked here after work. Was gonna crash at Lil’s house.” Lillian, Vincent’s on-again-off-again fling that was worth no more than the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. A no good, selfish woman who let addiction get the best of her and had zero intent to change. The same woman he ran to every time the two of you fought, and the very same woman who encouraged every behavior you were begging him to change.

“Fuck, Dylan!” You exploded, overcome with anger in a moment of weakness. “The fuck do you expect me to do? Carry him there?”

“I don’t know, Y/N!” He yelled back, just as passionate and reliant on his emotions.

“Call an ambulance?” A third voice cut in, much calmer and much more relaxed than the two of you. Your head snapped towards the door, seeing Daniel standing with his arms crossed over his chest. You couldn’t read him, only worrying you more as you tried to pick apart his stony face. How much did he see? How much did he hear? How the hell would you explain yourself now?

If you thought telling him the truth would hurt before, it was nothing compared to the storm that was coming.

“Can’t do that.” Dylan shook his head, reaching into the pocket of Vincent’s jeans to grab his wallet.

“Why not?” Danny continued. “He needs professional medical help—don’t think either of you can do that. Call a damn ambulance.”

“Can’t afford it, Danny.” You shook your head, shutting the idea down before he could bring it any further. “Wonder if Al will let me borrow his old station wagon?” Al, the bartender for the last forty years, had come to your rescue a time or two when you faced similar situations. You knew that if all else failed, he wouldn’t let you down. “Wonder if that piece of shit would even make it to the county.” You felt like collapsing, exhausted and at your wits end. You wiped Vincent’s face again with the back of your hand, cleaning the bodily fluids in a feeble attempt to preserve his virtue.

You knew that no matter what you did, both of you had shattered any bit of faux strength you so often tried to show others. You were at your weakest, and he was knocking on death's door for the hundredth time.

“I’ll ask’m.” Dylan grabbed the last bag on the floor, hiding just under Vincent’s ass, and stuffed it in his pocket. Then, he rose to his feet, pushing past Daniel who was still standing stoic in the doorway. He needed to get the drugs away from you, and get the three of you on the move. The only two people in the entire world he held any semblance of love towards were succumbing to the same disease, and he had little idea of how to help.

“Call 911, Y/N.” Daniel continued now that the three of you were alone, hoping to speak some sense into you.

“I can’t.” You said through gritted teeth, holding Vincent upright as his eyes began to roll back in his head. He was slumping down, falling to the left and sliding closer to the floor, and you weren’t nearly strong enough to compete with his dead weight. “That’s 1400$ I don’t have. Besides, they’ll ask questions, and we can’t answer any questions right now.”

“Yeah, questions that will save his life.” At that, something switched inside of you. Your skin prickled with indignation, white-hot energy filling your entire body as Dylan came back inside with a set of keys clutched tightly in his hand.

“He’s violating his parole. He’ll go to jail.” You snapped, cushioning the side of Vincent’s head as it fell into the cabinets beside him. “He’ll get stuck with a bill none of us can afford. It’s going to hurt him far more than it’ll help him.” You finally understood the depth of the differences between you and the boy arguing. “Besides, it’ll take them longer to get here than it will for me to drive him there myself.” You were right in believing he could never understand, and you couldn’t overlook the judgment in his eyes as they flickered to your blood spattered palms. Vincent’s nose continued to drip, your palms catching the brunt of it and the rest landing on his white shirt. You needed to get him out of there before he started seizing, or something worse, and he was not helping.

“Y/N—“ he tried, but you held up a hand to silence any further thoughts. He could see the shaking of your limb, realizing how emotionally attached you were to the situation in an instant. In the initial shock, it was easy to overlook how pertinent the issue was to you, how deeply it seemed to be affecting you. After all he had seen, the drugs in your hand, the ferocity in your tone when Dylan took them away, the terror in your expression now, he understood that more than anything, someone needed to help you.

You were running in circles to help everyone else while you began to drown.

He wanted to be there for you.

“Are you going to help me, or just fucking stand there and make it harder?” You barked, your eyes brimming with tears. Instant regret washed over you, making you feel even worse as you realized how little he deserved such a response. “I’ve done this before. I know what to do, and I can do it again, but I just can’t do it alone.”

“Okay.” Danny conceded, saddened at the sight of you gripping at loose ends. You were near insanity, running the facts over in your head to try and find a solution, and he was making it harder for you, even if the easiest answer was right under your nose. He promised he’d do as you asked, and as it seemed, time was of the essence.

“D-Dyl, I need you to help me get him off the ground.” You stuttered out the command, your cheeks damp with tears as you watched the little color left in Vincent’s cheeks begin to drain even further. “The wagon’s out front?

“Yeah, doll. Made sure of it.” Dyl approached you, ready to move him once you regained your composure.

“Kay, get him up.” You replied, keeping one hand on his head as Dylan slipped his arm under Vincent’s. You did the same on the other side, struggling slightly as the two of you stood from your crouching position. Dylan was much stronger than you were, and you were barely a help even as you got him on his feet. You stood in front of him, keeping a firm hand on him to steady him as his eyes flickered from closed to open a few times. “Hey, you’re okay.” You whispered, your heart aching as you took in the entire state of him.

“Love… you.” He wheezed out, the words hitting you hard and prompting no feelings in which the sentiment normally would. The only time he ever said it was when he thought he wouldn’t get another chance.

Then, to add a little extra salt to the wound, he coughed and sputtered for a moment, his head falling downward as he lost the strength to hold himself up. You barely registered what happened as his shoulders lurched forward and he lost control of all bodily functions. Danny recoiled in reaction to him choking on the vomit that forced its way from his stomach, landing less than gracefully down the front of you and onto your shoes. Unphased, you slipped his arm around your shoulders and with Dylan’s help, brought him out of the bathroom without sparing a second glance at Danny. He followed behind, not daring to speak another word.

“Just get him to the backseat.” You whispered, mostly to yourself as you took steps in time with Dylan, who was still vibrating as he rode his own high. “I hate you guys, you know. I hate you so fucking much.” You muttered, knowing that not a word of it was true, because love was the very thing keeping your feet moving. “I told you I wasn’t going to do this anymore, that I couldn’t do it, and here I am, like it never fucking mattered at all.”

You were feeling so much all at once that the only way to express it was through anger. Dylan knew, even as he took the brunt of your harsh words, that you would do it all over again in a heartbeat, just like they did for you when you needed it. The three of you, thick as thieves, partners in crime, always had each other's backs. Since the very day you met them, it had been that way. They picked you up off the floor at your worst, and you did the same for them, even if it was nearly killing you all to do so.

Sometimes, when you were alone and stuck in your thoughts, you wondered if what the three of you had was real love and friendship, or just a bond formed to help you survive the horrors of your lives.

Before you made it to the front door, as if it were divine timing, a body stepped in the way, blocking the exit and furthering the stress you were already experiencing. You looked up, meeting the beady eyes of a bleach blonde who you’d come face to face with far too much for your liking. Her hair was stringy and her skin was more sallow looking than usual, making your already upset stomach churn again. When you first met her almost two years ago, she was pretty, full of life and all smiles. That didn’t last long once her addiction got the best of her, and you barely recognized her anymore. Twenty two and her face bordering forty, you felt her time was coming sooner than anyone else expected.

“Lilian, get the fuck out of my way.” You spat, your teeth grinding together as the smell of her tacky perfume reached your nose. One too many times you’d walked in on her in Vincent’s bed. One too many times had her recklessness and carelessness resulted in your own heartbreak. One too many times had she enabled Vincent within an inch of his life.

“Where you takin’ him, doll? Thought he made it pretty clear he didn’t want nothin’ to do with you.” She said, her eyes barely on the boy in question, knowing exactly what was happening and only intending to give you a harder time. Was she really using this as a pissing contest? A reason to fight over a relationship with a boy you didn’t even want?

“Didn’t see you in the bathroom trying to save his life.” You hissed, holding Vincent a little tighter to you. Without even wanting to, you found yourself possessive over him, pitted against a woman who you barely knew because of his careless and reckless behavior. “Forgot, you only give a fuck about him when it benefits you or pisses me off.”

“Lillian, now’s not the time. Get the fuck out of here.” Dylan took your side, also feeling the effects of Vincent’s dead weight hanging off him.

“Right, but I believe you got somethin’ that belongs to me.” She gave a twisted little smile, reaching forward and grabbing the corner of the bag of Oxy’s hanging from Dylan’s pocket. She dangled it in front of your face for a moment, flaunting the fact she was partially responsible for the situation you found yourselves in at the moment. Losing all rationality, you saw red.

“You? You fucking gave it to him!?” You seethed, held back only by the weight of Vincent’s arm around your shoulder. “You’re fucking responsible for this?!” Instead of replying, she laughed in your face, lighting the fuse on a deadly bomb. “I should fucking kill you—“

“Not worth it, doll.” Dylan cut in, his gaze flickering to you with desperate eyes. Then, his gaze cut to Danny, also fearful of how this entire ordeal was affecting him. “We have to go.”

“Right,” you choked out, caught between two feelings that were tearing you apart. “Stay the fuck away from him, Lilian, I swear to god.” You warned, taking a step to the side so you could get around her. Dylan followed suit, and without any further delay, Danny held the door open and the two of you.

The night was still warm, the summer air clinging to your filthy skin as you struggled to guide Vincent towards the bartender's old car. Always unlocked, you instructed Daniel to open the back door so you could get Vincent inside. With a bit of a struggle, you and Dylan managed to get the boy down on the backseat, laying him on his side atop the leather covers just in case he was sick again.

“Keys.” You held out a shaking hand to Dylan as he closed the door. He gave you a sideways glance, a grimace on his lips as he challenged you without speaking a word. “Give me the keys, Dylan!”

“Don’t know if you should drive, doll.” He hesitated, the metal keyring dancing around his index finger.

“You’re high.” You shot back, knowing out of the two of you, you were the better option. You reached again for the keys, but he pulled them away from you, wasting another precious second.

“Jesus, I’ll drive.” Danny snapped from behind you, the most sober and level-headed out of the three of you. Your head turned to him, your eyes watery and wide as you once again realized what you were putting him through. “Give me the keys.” Danny ordered, and your eyes flickered to Dylan, realizing that he was just as shocked and sorrowful as you were.

“Yeah, okay.” Dylan conceded, trusting him enough to hand them over.

“Let’s go.” Danny ordered, more serious than you had ever seen him before. You mustered a small nod, motioning for Dylan to get in the front seat.

“You tell him where to go.” Your voice quivered as you spoke, placing a shaking hand on the back door handle as you opened it up again. “I’ll sit with Vin.” Dylan had no problem with the arrangement, following your decision without any hesitation. Once the three of you were in the car, Danny turned over the sputtering engine a few times before the car came to life.

The roomy backseat made it easy for you to tend to Vincent while remaining somewhat safely seated. He was on his side, facing the front of the car while you sat on the edge of the middle seat, turned towards him. You had a tentative hand on his face, brushing his wet hair from his sticky forehead. You felt the seat sinking beside you, the cold ominous air of death surrounding you as you prayed for it to leave him alone.

Religion was never something you found yourself akin to, except for moments like this. You would exert every ounce of energy, every single breath and every sliver of hope to save his life, and if that meant praying to a god or an entity you did not truly believe existed, you would do it in a heartbeat. Muttering under your breath, you pleaded for his life to an empty sky above, wondering if anyone was listening, or worse yet, if anyone cared.

Had the three of you pushed your luck so dangerously far that there was no more grace to be given? Had Vincent laid in the backseat of this very station wagon with sweaty skin and rolling eyes so many times that there was no more mercy to be spared? Had he evaded death enough times to anger the reaper himself? Was death creeping over your shoulder because you had taken too long to help him, or because help was no longer worth a dime?

Every bump in the road seemed to affect his already thready pulse further. Every lull in speed when a potential cop car passed made your stomach churn with sickness. For a single moment, as you listened to the whir of wheels on the cracked pavement below, you wondered if this would be the last time. If he pulled through, would he clean himself up? If he died, would you finally be able to heal and move on?

No.

Death was not the outcome, and the grim sat beside you in the backseat would not threaten you. Peace would not be possible if he succumbed to the sickness, and grief was a one way ticket to death for yourself.

“Vincent, I swear to fucking god, if you die on me.” You were beginning to grow delusional, delirious as you spoke to the near corpse laying beside you. He wasn’t dead yet. His heart was beating, and he was breathing. You knew deep in your heart that he could hear you, whether that be actually hearing you or in a greater, more spiritual sense. If talking to him kept him going (and kept you sane), you didn’t give a damn what the boys in the front seat thought of it. “You don’t get to die on me. You don’t get to leave me here. You don’t get to do this.” You growled through clenched teeth, feeling tears stream down your cheeks as you watched your blood splattered hands cup his pale cheek.

You were so concentrated on the boy below you that you did not even notice the flickering eyes in the drivers seat, checking in on you every few seconds through the rear view mirror. You did not notice the concern etched in his features, the fear, the confusion, nor the worry. You didn’t notice Dylan’s shaking hand as he pointed Danny in the right direction, or the flickering streetlights that were passing you by. You didn’t notice anything other than the shallow breaths still managing to move Vincent’s chest, and his fluttering eyes below the closed lids.

If he pulled through, you would praise every single god to exist to mankind. You would kiss the ground and send your love to the clouds above, and you would never doubt the power again (that’s what you told yourself every time, though). But, you couldn't help but fear what would come next. What painful conversations would ensue in the barren parking lot of the county hospital? The stark white room with fluorescent overhead lights? In this very car, or in your apartment after you were home safely?

You couldn’t help but think back to the bag of pills, how heavy it sat in your hand, how alive you felt for the first time since you gave it up for good. Your heart had never beat so frivolously, so intently for something in your entire life. You could feel your throat close around the powdery outside, every scratch and lump it created on the way to your stomach. You could feel it with such intensity that you had yourself fooled for a moment, believing you had really swallowed them down instead of handing them over to Dylan.

Your entire body ached with need for the one thing you pledged to stay away from, every nerve ending on fire and a lesser, more evil version of yourself clawing its way to the surface. You tried to fight it, to ignore it, but every time you cast your attention in another direction, it only screamed louder. Your head felt like it was going to explode, like your skull was cracking and splitting in half from the throb of the grey matter against it. Your muscles ached and your joints felt rusted, and you wondered if you could pull through it this time or if it would be the inevitable end of another wasted streak.

You didn’t want to be this person; you fought so hard, lost every tooth and nail in the gruesome battle, and still somehow ended up at a loss. You were tired of losing to the call of substance every single time, exhausted from wasting so much energy to end up being something you were always meant to be anyway. Recounting the failures of your parents moments before you found Vincent in the bathroom of the Pony only reminded you of one, terrifying fact.

The only thing you had ever been taught was how to be an addict.

Everything else, you had to learn, to grow and figure out yourself along the way. Right now, facing two different realities for yourself, the choice seemed easy, but it wasn’t the one you wanted. Who teaches you how to stay sober? To resist the temptation every time? To appreciate life despite it only ever being a shitty, torturous thing? Who taught you how to be good? To be better than what your parents were?

You.

You taught yourself.

But what the hell were you to do when you couldn’t depend on the only person who ever taught you right from wrong? What the hell could you do when you couldn’t depend on yourself?

Vincent twitched below you, his chest rising and falling in a jagged manor as he struggled to draw in a breath. You could see the life draining from him, slowly slipping from the mortal body he once lived within. His limbs twitched, and for a moment you feared the dreaded seizure you supported him through once before, but this was different. The air was different, his breathing and his movements. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel the same. You leaned down, trying to get closer to his mouth to hear the sound of his breath. It seemed shallow, choppy as it got caught in his throat, and there was a slight gurgle rattling deep under his breastbone.

“Please, Vin.” You pleaded, closing your eyes and resting your head on his still frame. Your tears were soaking through the filthy, torn white tank top form fitted to his body. “Don't do this to me. Not after everything we’ve been through. You can’t leave me here like this.”

“We’re here, doll.” Dylan said, reaching around from the front seat and placing a loving hand on your arm. “Time to get him inside. He’ll be okay.” You barely registered he was speaking to you, your head still resting against Vincent as your eyes began to close.

For a single moment, all of the pain and all of the agony bled from every one of your pores, fleeing you completely. You surpassed a threshold of hurt, feeling your entire body begin to numb. It started in your toes, slowly spreading up your legs, and then it began in your fingertips.

“He’s not gonna make it.” You managed a raspy warning, feeling the numbness trickle up your neck. You’d seen this before, this situation, but never quite the way it was happening now. It was different, and dread began to eat away at you. The numbness, although terrifying, felt nice. It was a break from the usual feeling ravaging your soul, and you wanted to close your eyes and succumb to nothingness alongside him.

“Don’t say that, Angel.” Dylan got out of the car, quickly moving to the backseat. You barely noticed him open the back door beside yours and Vincent’s head. All you could focus on was the gurgling noise in Vincent’s throat, preparing yourself for the worst.

You came so close, but it just wasn’t enough.

That seemed to be the mantra of yours and Vincent’s tragic tale.

“Y/N, get up.” Dylan ordered, his voice far away in your mind, echoing through the emptiness inside your head. “Y/N!”

Still, nothing.

Not enough.

“Baby,” this whispering voice was different. It was calm, collected, comforting. It made your eyes flicker upwards from their fixation on the scummy fabric on the back of the driver's seat. It gave you hope. “Get up so we can get him inside. He’s going to be okay.” Your eyes met a pair of warm, brown ones. The same ones that breathed inspiration into you when you were at your lowest. The very ones that got you through every hard day since. The exact ones that made you feel loved when you thought it to be impossible.

“I can’t.” You whimpered, your cheeks stained with tears as you struggled to keep your eyes on him. “I can’t let him go in there and die alone.”

“You can. He’s not going to die.” Danny said, firmer than before. “You’re going to take him inside, and they’re going to help him.”

Logically, you knew you were wasting precious time. On the other hand, your desolate heart only felt comfort at the thought of Vincent being within arms reach.

“Okay.” You whispered, moved only by Danny’s gentle touch on your knee.

You sat up, allowing for Dylan to pull Vincent from the car. He struggled to stand him on his feet, finding it much easier when you slid from the backseat and took his other side. Your movements were mechanical, robotic—no emotion or feeling in them at all, and only a care for this to be over. Wordlessly, the two of you dragged him towards the automatic doors, the feeling of dread growing larger as you saw the flickering overhead lights of the rundown lobby.

Dylan barely made it through the second set of doors before he was bellowing out for help, calling to anyone who would listen. The frail looking woman at the reception desk immediately looked up to see what the disturbance was, but as soon as her eyes landed on Vincent, all malice fled her face. She pressed a call button on her desk, bustling over to the three of you and nearly tripping over herself in the process.

The whole moment went by in a blur of pale blue scrubs and shouting. Your eyes seemed to be going blurry, tunnel vision threatening to take over as you felt the (literal) weight of Vincent being taken off your shoulders. A group of nurses helped him onto a stretcher, asking the two of you a round of rapid fire questions that all flew directly over your head.

You heard Dylan give them the least bit of information possible, just enough to help but not enough to get involved.

Overdose. Oxy and Coke. About an hour. Not that I know of. No. No. Yes.

You repeated it in your head, trying to bring yourself back to earth. The numbness continued to grow worse as you looked down at your stained skin, the crimson color making your skin prickle with pins and needles. You flipped them palms to the floor, looking over the appendages as you tried again to repeat Dylan’s answers in your head. White static filled your brain, a low ringing sounding deep in your ears. You flipped your hands over so you could look at your palms.

Overdose. Oxy and Coke. About an hour.

You looked up from your hands, noticing the stretcher being wheeled back behind a set of large wooden swing doors. Someone was doing chest compressions as they rolled Vincent away.

About an hour. Not that I know of.

The room was spinning, the lights too bright and the noise too loud. Still, it couldn’t be any louder than the incessant ringing in your ears. It couldn’t bring you back to earth. You feared that nothing could.

No. No. Yes.

“Come on, Angel. Let’s go outside.” Dylan’s hand landed on your shoulder, but you were unmoving. Your blood felt still in your veins, your lungs not daring to expand so you could draw in another breath. With every second that passed, the faster the room swirled. You couldn’t move, you couldn’t speak, you couldn’t think.

Oxy and Coke. No. About an hour.

You blinked hard, studying the crevices in your fingernails that were caked with dirt. The lines in your palms were painted red, the dry substance beginning to flake off and only leave behind a slight residue of color.

Yes. Overdose. Not that I know of.

It was a jumble of words, not even the short slew of answers making sense anymore. Dylan had given up, opting to force you outside rather than wait for you to come-to. He didn’t want to stick around for any more uncomfortable questioning, and he didn’t want you to be their next subject. The night was hot, the air laying over you in a thick, uncomfortable blanket.

Overdose? Coke and… Yes.

You fell to your knees on the pavement, your body too heavy to hold upright. Your head fell forward on your shoulders and you squeezed your eyes shut, trying to pull yourself back together. You were so far away from reality that you did not even notice the aching sensation in your knees from the contact.

You felt someone kneel before you, taking your face in their large hands to help bring you back to earth. Behind your eyes the details only further muddled together, and you wanted so badly to focus on the warmth of the touch instead of the horrors in the blackness.

“Y/N.” the voice echoed across the empty parking lot, muffled from the ringing and lost in the endless swarm of thoughts. “Utah.”

Michigan.

He was there, right in front of you, still with you. He didn’t leave, he wasn’t afraid, and he still cared. Your Michigan, your knight in shining armor, the rainbow glowing brightly against the gray rain clouds.

“Overdose. Oxy and Coke. About an hour.” You breathed aloud, finding the strength to open your eyes. It was coming back to you, the whole picture rather than the speckled images flashing just behind your eyes. You could notice the prickle of feeling begin to return to your fingertips, your heartbeat still agonizingly strong as it pulsed under your skin, but no longer so much so that it was throwing you off course.

“What’s wrong with her?” Michigan. You could hear him talking to Dylan, asking in desperation as he digested a scene he had never been a witness to before. He had never seen you like this before, and he was terrified for your wellbeing. Michigan. Your Michigan.

“Just in shock, man.” Dylan made a feeble attempt at consoling him. “Seen it a few times… she’ll snap out of it.”

“How are you so calm about this?” Danny was taken back at Dylan’s constant coolness, even in a moment like this.

“Seen it a few times before.” He repeated, hoping that got his message across loud and clear. “She’s a hell of a lot stronger than any of us. She’ll be good, promise man.” Dylan assured him. “Now, we gotta get Al’s car back to’em ‘for his shift’s done.”

“What about her?” Danny looked back to you, still on your knees in the ambulance bay in front of the entrance of the emergency department. Your hands were clasped tightly over your ears, trying to silence the ringing that was driving you to insanity. At least now your eyes were open, and you were looking at him, but he was unsure if you were seeing him. He had never quite seen the expression on your face before, your eyes blank and empty, your features etched like they were stones, unmoving and emotionless. Your entire body was still aside from your hands trying to force themselves further over your ears.

“She’ll be fine.” Dylan repeated, placing a hand on Danny’s shoulder. “She’ll come back ‘round, and she’ll be pissed if we stay.”

“I can’t leave her here like this, Dylan.”

“You can, and you will.” Dylan replied, firmer as he nodded his head towards the car. “We can go back, and you can get your car. I gotta get out of here, but you can come back if ya want… she’ll be a little less loopy. Trust me when I say, I can’t be here if the cops come askin’. You shouldn’t be either.”

“What about her?”

“She will be fine.”

And you would be. You knew the drill better than all three of you combined, and once your composure came back, you would know exactly what to do, and you would be happy the other two weren’t there to fuck it up for you or Vincent.

“I know her, man. I know trust ain’t somethin’ that comes easy, but you gotta believe me.”

“Okay.” Danny whispered, his eyes cutting back to you, still stoic as you remained in the same position. He leaned forward, his hands clasped over yours still covering your ears, and placed a gentle, tentative kiss to your forehead. “I’ll be back, Utah.” He seemed like he wanted to say more, to say the very thing you both had forbade yourself from feeling, but he couldn’t. The time wasn’t right, and telling you now would only cause more trouble than anything else. Instead, he said it with his eyes, knowing that you did not recognize the look even if he so badly wanted you to know he felt that way.

Within a moment, Danny had pried himself from your side and the two boys got in the car. You did not even come to when the engine backfired as they sped from the parking lot. Your eyes remained focused on the distance, still looking but certainly not understanding.

You could almost hear the ticking of a clock as the second passed by, but you remained frozen in place. After a while, the numbness in your arms subsided, and the feeling in your face returned. Your memory flashed between two different places; the bag of pills in your hand, and the picture of Vincent lying in the backseat. Both places, the sound of the morbid rattling in his lungs played over and over again and the feeling of his chest catching on every rush of air was felt under your palms.

You wondered if you stayed here forever, if no more hurt could touch you. If you laid down on the pavement and gave into the rapidly growing nothingness in the deepness of your chest, would it all just stop?

You had two choices; get up and carry on, be the strong person Vincent and Dylan needed, or succumb to the looming doom that you always feared would catch up to you.

Two choices, both just as consequential and tempting, but neither getting you ahead of the demons you tried so desperately to leave in the past.

If you walked back into the hospital, you would run into said demons head on and pray they wouldn’t take you hostage again. If you died, even if you died sober, the addiction would still win.

The third option was standing on your feet and walking away. To go as far as your legs would carry you, only in the direction away from the mess of a second life you’d built, until you collapsed and death took you for its own anyway.

For a brief period in time, you questioned if the reaper sitting so close to you in the backseat of the station wagon was there for Vincent, or for you.

Maybe, your fates were still delicately intertwined like that had been for the last year, even if you tried so hard to cut the ties holding you together.

If he dies, so do you.

Death clearly wasn’t an option, nor was running, so you did the only thing you could; you got up and continued on, just like you had a million times before.

Getting up off the ground, fighting your way from rock bottom had never been the hard part. The struggle seemed to lie within the immediate aftermath. What the hell were you to do next?

You brushed the loose gravel from your scraped knees in a robotic manner, straightening up and turning back to the sliding doors you did not remember exiting through. Four steps was all it took for you to get inside the entryway. Two more steps and you were back under the flickering tube bulbs behind plastic panels in the ceiling. Three steps to the right and you were facing the waiting room for family and friends alike. One turn of your head and you located the public washroom, single stall and separated from the waiting room by one heavy, wooden door. Five steps forward and your hand clamped around the handle, and a half a step until you were inside.

The door closed behind you with a loud thud, causing you to jump in surprise. You felt your bones rattle, threatening to break through your skin. Every aspect of your being, all of your physical forms trying to separate themselves from each other. You advanced towards the sink, looking at your reflection in the mirror as you flicked the tap on. You didn’t know the woman looking back, sober, high, or strung out in shock. No version of you would have known the face in the mirror, with her sunken eyes and empty gaze. The cracked lips and puffy cheeks, managing to look pale and blazing red all the same.

You did not break eye contact with the stranger as you stuck your hands under the forceful stream of water, the searing heat not even breaking your focus or causing you to retreat.

“Overdose. Oxy and Coke. About an hour.” Even your voice was foreign to you, but you tried your best not to let it deter you. “Not that I know of. No. No. Yes.” A sigh of relief fell from your lips as you repeated the words without a hint of forgetfulness. You finally broke your staring contest with your reflection, looking down to your hands that were now rinsed free of any blood or dirt. Instead, your skin was scalding from the heat of the tap, aggressively red as you continued to hold them under the water. You raised one to the soap dispenser on the wall, pushing the button over and over again until the foam sanitizer was overflowing from your cupped palm falling onto the counter below.

You brought your hands together and began to scrub. All the way up to your elbows, in every crevice and crack, under your fingernails and between every finger. You weren’t sure how much time had passed, but when you returned your hands to the water and rinsed the suds away, the heat stung your skin aggressively. When the soap was washed away, your eyes still seemed to notice bloodstains on your pale skin, and more than that, you still felt dirty. Repeating the process a second time, you thought it would help. Instead, it seemed to make it worse.

You lost count of how many times you switched from the soap dispenser, to scrubbing, to rinsing, but by the time the dispenser was out of soap entirely, your hands were raw from the heat and the friction. You swallowed back a bitter taste as you cupped your hands under the water and splashed some on your face. You let out a hiss of pain when the boiling liquid washed the dirt from your stress-worn features, but carried on to repeat that process until you couldn’t withstand it anymore.

By the time you returned to the waiting area, your shirt was soaked with water droplets and your skin was desperate for a break, even if you still couldn’t shake the feeling of filth caking it. Your shaking hands raised to your line of vision, ready for the final inspection, but nothing but disgust raised in your chest as you remembered the patterns of speckled blood and dirt that once decorated them in perfect order.

“Excuse me?” Your head snapped up to the entryway, eyes wide as they landed on a nurse holding a clipboard. With a vibrating finger, you pointed to yourself as if to ask if she was talking to you. She gave a bleak nod, motioning for you to join her in the hallway. One foot in front of the other, you finally found yourself in a deserted area of the hallway, face to face with a health professional you assumed to be trying to save Vincent’s life.

“Is he alive?” You asked, steady and calm, your own voice shocking you as you spoke. You blinked twice, trying to be normal.

Just be normal.

“Unfortunately, we can only release information to the next of kin. Are you next of kin?”

“No.” You shook your head. “Don't know the guy from a hole in the ground.”

“Right.” She nodded. “At all?” You shook your head, catching her gaze as you tried to piece together her intent.

Fuck.

She remembered you. It was the same nurse who questioned you the last time you were here.

“Not at all, ma’am.” You reiterated your claim, trying not to give any semblance of recognition from your eyes.

“So you can’t answer any of these questions?”

“Try me.” You shrugged, keeping your tone steady and calm, carefree and cool.

“Patient’s name?”

“No clue.” You shook your head. “Reminds me of a guy I met a long time ago. His name was… oh, fuck… Alex?” You chuckled to yourself, looking off into the distance as you feigned a fake smile. “Not the same guy though, don’t know his name.”

“Date of birth?”

“Could be an Aries, but that’s just a guess. Probably doesn’t help you much.” You rattled off another ridiculous answer. The nurse did her best to hold back the eye roll trying so hard to escape.

“Ma’am, I’m not sure you understand the seriousness of this situation. If you have any information that can help, we need to know.” She rattled off the same spiel you’d heard a million times.

“Fine—I don’t know his name, or his date of birth. Met the guy at the bar tonight, he had a little too much fun.” You snapped, sticking to the same recycled story you used every time.

“You’re sure?” She asked again, raising an eyebrow. You felt less bad about giving her the run-around, knowing if they had time for questions, he was okay.

“Positive.”

“Alright.” She noted something on her chart. “The police will likely have the same questions, but I’m not the police. What’s said between us is solely to help him, not to get either of you in trouble.”

“His blood type is O+, and he has no allergies.” You muttered, sucking your bottom lip between your teeth. “He has no next of kin.” You added, giving her a tight lipped smile.

“Seems odd to know that about someone you just met.” She replied, a frown decorating her lips.

“Like I said, Doc. Just met the guy. Don’t know his name or where he comes from. Call it intuition, or whatever helps you sleep at night.” You shrugged, stepping backwards and out of the conversation. “I’d really appreciate it if you could save his life.”

𓇢𓆸

June 29th, 11:58 AM

The time passed slowly, despite the early morning being filled with so much excitement. The cops did in fact ask all of the same things, but you were even more tight lipped than you were with the nurse. Danny returned not long after the cops held you hostage with their questions. He brought you a change of clothes and your pack of cigarettes and a lighter, assuring you he would wait outside as long as you needed. He promised to take you home as soon as you were ready, and expressed his gratitude that you were alright.

You couldn’t help but notice his lack of questions.

You wondered if when the smoke cleared, he would pack up and disappear without ever asking anything at all. You couldn’t blame him if he did, but the thought did sting. Maybe Nashville was out the window after all.

He didn’t overstep any boundaries, opting to wait outside to give you the space you needed, but made you promise to find him if you needed him. You appreciated his presence, but felt guilty for dragging him into such a mess.

And a mess is exactly what this was, no matter which way you looked at it.

Once Vincent was stable, the same nurse who questioned you before returned to advise you of the fact, breaking the rules entirely. And, because of your helpful comments, she sneakily slipped what room he would be in. After a while of debating whether you should sneak to his room or not, you decided that you didn’t wait around for nothing. Following the colored arrows on the floor, it was easy to find the barebones private single room in the back end of the emergency department. The tiles were squeaky and everything smelled heavily of sanitizer, and the rhythmic beeping of the monitors hooked up to the boy served as a comfort, knowing that no matter what, his heart was still beating.

For hours you sat in the uncomfortable padded armchair pulled close to his bedside, your hand loosely in his own as you flip flopped between listening to the beeping or the ticking of the clock on the wall. You watched as the sun rose high in the sky, beaming in through the small panel windows on the stark white wall. The sheets covering Vincent seemed scratchy, and the pillow below his head was flat, but for the first time in a very long time, he seemed peaceful. His youth was always so much more noticeable when he was asleep, the stress lines dormant and anger a far away place. Even now, as sick as he was, he didn’t seem like he was bothered by anything at all.

His chest was rising and falling in a steady rhythm, much different than it was the last time you saw him, and the color had returned to his face, although still a little lacking. You took the time to admire him, just like you would have months ago while he slept away the early mornings in your bed. He was beautiful, his features sharp and soft all the same. His hair was curled and dark, and his eyelashes the same as they rested over his cheeks. It tugged on your heart slightly when you thought of such things, and even though you loved him so much and cared so deeply about him, it wasn’t the same. You weren’t attracted to him like you were before, desperate and animalistic to be with him one more time. Feral as you fought for his affections and always lost sooner or later. It didn’t feel the same as it once did, and you couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Were you only so attracted to him, so eager to be with him because he was the only thing in your life that made you feel something? Whether good or bad, pleasurable or painful, when in his company, your chest was always filled with some kind of emotion. Back then, you were desperate to feel, to catch a break from the burgeoning nothingness and never ending loneliness, to fill a void you thought only substance could solve. Now, you didn’t feel that same draw, and you cared about what kind of emotion you felt in his company, because there was somebody else showing you something better.

You weren’t lonely, or numb, or any of the things you once were when you clung to Vincent’s karmic love. You cared about him, loved him, but were not in love, and did not want to be with him. When you looked at him, you felt more bad than good, and it was hard to digest. Someone who you once thought was your whole world was now just a part of it, the same as anything else. The things you once felt for Vincent now hit you tenfold when you looked at Danny, but they weren’t nearly as painful or scary as you used to think they were.

The love you had for Vincent was not the same as the love you had for Danny. It never was and it never would be.

Your relationship with Daniel wasn’t built on lies and deception, nor did it hurt you when you got to close. It didn’t feel like a punishment for all your past wrongdoings, and it was happy far more than it was anything else. Daniel didn’t give you the bare minimum (or less than, sometimes), and frame it as what you deserved. He gave you the whole world, and never put responsibility on your shoulders for shit he caused. Daniel never caused shit, anyway.

It was carefree and fun, happy and healthy. The relationship you had with Danny was unlike anything you’d ever had before, and you were so grateful for it even if you felt like you did not deserve it. He had your back no matter what, and would never take advantage of the kindness or respect you offered him. He wasn’t a part of this world, the evil, drug filled world where your demons hid around every corner and watched your every move. He was a ticket out of that life, away from all of the things you did not want to be, and right now you were terrified that you sacrificed that bond with him to take care of Vincent yet again. You tried not to focus on that, knowing that worrying would do nothing but hurt you more in the meantime, but it was still sitting heavy on the back of your mind.

Knowing those things also brought up a worse, even more painful surge of emotions. It made you face some hard truths about you and Vincent, and as you sat and stared, you wondered why things had to be this way. Thinking back on all of the time you spent together, you had never felt that type of love towards him. You wondered if he was clean and sober when you met him, would it be better? Would it have worked?

What you felt for him was leagues different than what you felt for Danny, and it made you question if you ever truly loved Vincent at all. Was love the emotion, or did you stay with him and around him because you didn’t know anything else? Did you stay because you feared nobody else would understand you, that nobody else would ever love you? Did you stay because it was safe and comfortable, or because you wanted to?

Was what the two of you had love, or was it a sick and twisted trauma bond tying you together?

After all of the bad, the near-death experiences, the two-timing and mistrust, the fighting and the insults, the lack of trying and the lack of care, how could you ever say the two of you were in love?

What you suffered at his hands was abuse, even if he did not intend to be so cruel to you. Through it all you had formed an emotional bond with him and even when he was miserable, you begged for him to love you, genuinely, just once.

Your parents had taught you to do just that, and even now, twenty four years later, you still could not break the cycle.

Well, until you met Daniel. Until you learned what love was and how it was supposed to feel.

You felt the hand beneath yours twitch, as if he felt your train of thought and he was powering up to convince you otherwise. His heart monitor spiked momentarily, and you noticed his eyes flutter ever so slightly. He sucked in a sharp breath, wincing as he did so. Eventually, he managed to fight the bright lights and pry his eyes open.

You stayed silent, pulling your knees a bit closer to your chest as you waited for him to come to. You never knew what version of him you would get when he opened his eyes, never knew if the damage he sustained was permanent or temporary. You didn’t know, and recently, you had grown to hate uncertainty.

“Hey, doll.” After a few moments of silence, he eventually spoke, his voice quiet and raspy. You didn’t respond straight away, feeling his eyes on you as you watched your hand intertwined with his. The heart monitor picked up the pace again, showing his nervousness over your lack of an answer and your sullen features.

“Hi, Vincent.” You whispered, keeping your eyes anywhere but his.

Silence fell between you again, but not because of a lack of things to discuss. Neither of you knew where to begin, and you weren’t even sure if you wanted to. After everything he put you through, you were beginning to lose yourself.

“You’re mad at me.” He stated, a little stronger when he spoke the second time.

“Yep.” You gave a slow nod, but never withdrew your hand from his.

“S’okay. You should be.” All you could do was nod again, wondering if he knew the extent of the anger you were feeling. “I didn’t want to get you involved in all this… not again.”

“So, what?” You scoffed, still quiet as you continued the staring contest with your hands. “I don’t answer the phone? I don’t come to the Pony? I don’t bring you here? Not sure if you dying would be any better than me not getting involved.”

“I’m sorry.” He stressed the word, shifting slightly on the hospital bed to sit up a bit further. “For everythin’, Angel.”

“Okay.” You hummed, pressing your lips tightly together so nothing more could slip out.

“Talk to me.” He pleaded, adjusting the I.V. fluid drip so he did not knock it out of place. “Please.” Stress was etched into his features again, returning to him as soon as he woke up, but the softness of his eyes was unlike what you had seen from him lately. The bags under his eyes and the emotion filled expression was familiar, though.

“About what?” You furrowed your brows, finally catching his eyes. “What do you even remember?”

“Enough.” He responded, a bit more gruff to match your intensity.

“How many times are we gonna do this, Vin?” You shook your head, puffing out a sigh. “How many times are we gonna sit in this exact position, talking about the same old shit? How many times ‘till you stop waking up?” You finally expressed a sliver of your worry, unable to stomach the thought of him not waking. As angry as you were at him now, you were so grateful that his eyes were open and he was talking.

“I know, Angel.” His head fell back in defeat, and he gave a slight wince as he coughed to clear his throat. “It was a mistake. I swear, I’m trying.”

“Stop trying and start doing.” You barked, sick of the same old excuse. “Do you know how scared I was? In that old fuckin’ station wagon, holding you in the backseat and thinking it was going to be the last time? Lying to that same nurse that’s still trying to save your life? How angry I am right now, after you’ve been so miserable and cruel to me, and I’m still sitting by your bedside to make sure you’re okay?” You paused, swallowing back word vomit you knew would do neither of you any good.

“I love you, doll, and I wanna be better, for you.” You looked to his face, seeing his eyes shining with tears of frustration. “You didn’t deserve any of that shit, baby. You shouldn’t be chasin’ after me, waitin’ to clean up my mess. You don’t deserve this.”

This.

Didn’t deserve this.

Which was coincidentally him, which he thought was exactly what you deserved.

“Then stop making me.” You frowned. “Stop chasing after Lillian, stop spending every night at the Pony. Get the fuck away from her, get away from that place, and get the fuck away from the drugs, Vin. They’re going to kill you, and I’m not planning your funeral while you’re still alive. I said I was done, but I’m always going to be here, trying to keep you safe no matter how pissed off I am. That’s what you do when you love someone.”

“I ‘preciate you still lovin’ me, even if I don’t deserve it. I’m happy you’re still here, even if I’m a real piece of work most o’ the time. You’re the only thing I’ve ever had, the only one who ever loved me at all. I’m trying for you, doll.” You didn’t want him to try for you. You wanted him to try for him. “I’m done with Lil, I swear it. I’m not lying, baby. This time was different, an’ I really thought… I really thought this was it, that I was a goner.”

“We all did, Vin.” You confessed, relaxing ever so slightly in your seat. You felt your chest tighten and your throat close around the words, tapping back into the fear you felt on the way to the hospital. “I can’t do this again. I can’t lose you too.”

“Hey, don’t talk like that.” He squeezed your hand, forcing your attention back on him. “I ain’t leavin’ you, ever. You should know better than that. I’m gonna get better, clean myself up, and prove that I mean it.”

God, you hoped so desperately that he was telling the truth and he could follow through with his previously empty promises.

“All that stuff I said to you, angel… it’s not true. I didn’t mean a word of it. You’re the best damn thing this world’s ever seen, and that it’ll ever get. I always need you, an’ I always will. M’sorry I get so awful sometimes. I don’t care if you’re mine, or someone else’s, or nobody’s at all. S’long as you’re here, that’s all that matters to me.”

You knew how vile substance could turn people, but it was so damn hard watching Vincent turn into a completely different person at the drop of a hat. You yourself had suffered through the wicked ups and downs, but watching it on someone else, being at the receiving end was gut wrenching. You knew Vincent was good at the core, and he had the ability to be that way all of the time, you just wanted him to harness that power and fight through all of the nasty thoughts and feelings instead of throwing them at everyone else. You wanted him to see the other side, to experience it with you so he knew how much better it was, but he was further gone than you had ever been.

You didn’t want to think that he would stay this way forever, but it was easier to believe that instead of getting your hopes crushed every time.

“I’ll always be here, Vin. Even if I’m mad, even if I hate you, I’ll always love you. Just what we do. We don’t have anyone or anything else.” You confessed, feeling a sinking feeling in your stomach as you spoke.

What if you wanted someone or something else? What if you wanted to get away from it all, to leave this life behind and start over again? Were you destined to live this way forever, or could there really be something greater waiting for you to discover it?

After the long night full of twisted feelings and events, Nashville with Danny seemed much less scary and a whole lot more tempting.

If he was even still willing to take you after all this misery, of course.

God, that conversation seemed so far away now, and as painful as it was at the time, much preferred to what you were facing now.

Why did it make you feel so terrible to think such things? Why did you feel like a villain for wanting better for yourself?

Why was it such a horrible thing to want a lover, a life partner instead of a partner in crime?

You had so many questions that always went unanswered, and with the way your life had always been, you knew you would need to ask a million more before anything you were asking now made the smallest lick of sense.

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