#our friendship stayed just like before when we were younger and naive and just starting to grow cognizant of the world around us

[jaehyunspeachparty]

1.8

warnings: This story contains content that could be problematic for one or the other. Among other things, the story may contain content about sex, late pregnancy, relationship with a large age difference, and others. Just because it's in the warnings doesn't mean these topics will appear, but they will definitely be covered in the story. The content of the story is fixed and doesn’t change. If you don't feel comfortable with these topics, then it's okay if you don't read the story. I just write down my ideas here and I just enjoy writing about life. The fact that some things in life are not rational or weird for some people is also part of it. Now enough and I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

Her fingertips moved over his upper arms, she could feel his whole body tense. With her dark eyes she looked up and saw his soft face with the distinctive features. His smile was white and wide, so that her heart started pounding even faster. "I love you." His lips formed into these words and she couldn't help but meet him with a kiss. Everything was perfect, everything was as she wanted it to be. Just...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER!" It was just a dream. "Geon! Kiwoo! What are you doing in my room?" Miga was blinded by the light that shone through the open door. "You have to get up!" Kiwoo shook his big sister's shoulders and Miga sighed. "Why? Today is my birthday. I can sleep late." Miga was already annoyed because she really wanted end this dream. "But you have a lot of presents at the table." Geon came to his sister too and snuggled closer to her. Miga took him in her arms and looked at him in surprise. "I thought we weren't going to celebrate with the family until the evening." "There are other gifts," said Kiwoo then. "And lots of flowers," added Geon. "Mum doesn't know where to put them all", Kiwoo giggled. Miga looked at her brothers in suprise and sighed. "Okay, I'll get up and take a look then."

"Why does Miga get so many roses?" Jaehyun stood desperately in the kitchen, where all the gifts that had been delivered and lay on the kitchen island. "She is beautiful and popular." You smile and kiss your husband on the cheek. Her fame has risen a lot since Miga's last drama and that was especially evident today on her birthday. "I'm also beautiful and popular, but I've never got so many flowers." Jaehyun sighed and you had to laugh. "You're not a girl. Miga is simply adored." You smile and start making coffee. "Oh, I don't know if I like that." Jaehyun sighed again and stood next to you. "I'm more concerned about something else." You suddenly turn to the side and look seriously at your husband, who looked at you in surprise. "Chichi has been staying at Sunoh a lot lately and even if I think that they are studying, I think we should talk to Sunoh about sex." You mean that Jaehyun should talk to him because you had already done your part with Miga. "Do you think they have already have sex?", Jaehyun asked in astonishment, because the two of them sometimes found it difficult to look into each other's eyes for a long time without blushing. "I don't know. But I’m sure that they getting together soon and maybe it would be good if you explain basic things to Sunoh." You shrug your shoulders and Jaehyun panicked a bit. "What do you mean by basic things?" "Well, for example, how a condom works and how he uses it. But also what is important for the first time so that Chichi has less pain." "Don't you think Sunoh knows that?" Jaehyun sighed, he didn't really want to talk with his son about sex. "How should he know? They don't learn that in school and I don't think porn will really educate him in that regard." "Yes, well. But don't you think that you should talk to Chichi about it too? You're her mother substitute and I don't think Yuta will talk to her about sex." Jaehyun looked at you seriously and you have to agree with him. "Yeah okay. I'll have this conversation with Chichi too. I've done it before." You wink because you knew Jaehyun didn't know that fact. "What? You talked to Miga about it?" "Yes of course. She shouldn't be naive about this. Besides, you'll have to do the same thing again with Geon and Kiwoo in a few years anyway." You grin when you hear Jaehyun sigh. "Why do our babies have to grow up?" "I know, but maybe we'll be lucky with another baby again." You take Jaehyun's hand and place it on your stomach. "Yes hopefully." He smiled and kissed you gently. "Miga here in the kitchen", Geon screamed excitedly and so your kiss with Jaehyun ended. "I'm coming," sighed Miga and you could see her coming down the aisle with Kiwoo. The twins were almost more excited than she was. "Geon! Kiwoo! I said you shouldn't wake up your sister", you warned them, but the two boys just giggled. "I think I have to start locking my door." Miga yawned and padded slowly into the kitchen. "Happy birthday my princess." Jaehyun and took his daughter in his arms and hugged her tightly. "Thank you daddy," she said with a smile and then her father kissed her hair. "I wish you a happy birthday too. I'm so proud of you." You also hug your daughter and you get a little sentimental. Your first daughter has now turned 19 ... it's unbelievable how quickly the time has passed. "Thanks mum." Miga smiled and she looks at her sentimentally. "You grew so beautiful and so big." "Okay okay, can I have a coffee?" Miga was a bit overwhelmed by all of this. Jaehyun immediately gave her a cup while Miga looked at the kitchen island full of the presents. "And that's all for me?" She asked in astonishment. You nod and put an arm over her. "Yeah, I think the suppliers hate us now." "I tipped them, I think that should make up for it," said Jaehyun with a smile. Miga continued to examine her presents and she particularly noticed one bouquet. Most of them sent her roses, but there was only one bouquet of daisies. She looked at the card and read "Happy girls are the prettiest girls. J". It was a quote from Audrey Hepburn and Miga immediately knew who the flowers were from. Her heart began to pound and she was instantly back in her dreams. "J. Who will that be?", Jaehyun asked suddenly and Miga started briefly. "Uhh, I don't know." She had to lie, if her father knew she was in love with Jaemin, he would get incredibly angry. "Okay, I'll wake up Sunoh so we can all have breakfast ..." You smile and go up the stairs.

Jaemin sat in the car and stared at the steering wheel. How could this have happened to him, why she? His pulse was high and he found it difficult to think clearly. He didn't know anymore what to do, what to feel. Everything seemed so mixed up. But it didn't help. He had to get his mind clear somehow, and best of all with the help of good friends. Jaemin, Haechan and Renjun visited Jeno, who has just become a dad for the first time. He had a baby boy and he already had his father's eyes. "Can I ask you something?" Jaemin now had to address it, he didn't know what to do next. "Sure," said Jeno and put his son in the cradle. "I know a girl, she's beautiful, smart and we share so many interests. It's like we're soul mates." Jaemin took a deep breath and Haechan realized that there was a problem. "But?" "But she is very young ..." Jaemin said then. "That's not bad. My wife is younger too." Jeno grinned and looked at his boy. "How young?" Renjun then asked more seriously. Jaemin leaned back and put his hands on his forehead. "Just that she is of legal age." "And you like her?" Jeno asked. "If she were older, I wouldn't hesitate, but 19 years ... that's so young ..." Jaemin didn't know what to do next, he became more and more desperate. "Maybe, but if you're not dating because of her age, but because you have a connection, then I see no problem." Haechan shrugged. "Yes, I see it the same way. You like her because you share interests and not because she is 19 years old." Jeno smiled and Jaemin just nodded. What he noticed is that Renjun was relatively calm. But maybe he just wanted to evade his opinion.

After the baby visit at Jeno, Jaemin was still thinking. He still didn't quite know what to do. But before he got to his car, Rejun came towards him. "Wait Jaemin," he called and ran towards him. "Did I forget something?" He asked smiling, but Renjun remained serious. "I want to talk to you about the previous subject...between us ... about the girl." Jaemin turned to his friend in amazement. "Yes?" Jaemin put the car key back in his pocket and looked expectantly at Renjun. It all came as a surprise because he had previously abstained from his opinion. "It's Miga, isn't it?" Renjung looked deep into his eyes and Jaemin froze. "I saw you the other day. I know you guys do a lot together." "Are you following me?" Jaemin was a little angry. He crossed his arms and looked at Renjun. "No, but we live in the same street. I saw you a couple of times at the convenience store." Jaemin didn't know what to say. He had forgotten that he and Renjun are almost neighbors. "I just help her with acting." Jaemin didn't quite know whether to admit it was Miga. But he couldn't lie to his friend either. "Remember. Miga has known you since she was little." "Yes, but just because I saw her a few times as a kid doesn't mean that..." "I know you worked more and didn't have that much contact with the Jung children, but Miga always looked up to you. I think she can't differentiate with you as a role model or as a partner. Your relationship would never be equal." Renjung stopped briefly but saw Jaemin sigh and turn his head to the side. "And think of Jaehyun. You are friends. Is it really worth risking a long-term friendship to you? You have been friends with Jaehyun longer than Miga is old." Jaemin had nothing to say. He looked down, Renjun's words were true. "I think someone had to tell you. You can't take the advice of the others seriously, because they don't know it's Miga." "Okay ..." Jaemin ran a hand through his hair and looked back at Renjun. He nodded and then left. Jaemin got into the car but couldn't drive. He was frozen.

Jaehyun wanted to get the conversation over quickly. When there was a little time after breakfast, Jaehyun came to his son's room. "Sunoh, can I come in for a minute?" "Yeah sure." Sunoh was lying on the bed and looked at his phone that he was now lying aside. "I want to talk to you about something." Jaehyun took his son's desk chair and rolled it over and sat on it. "Did I do something wrong?", Sunoh asked and looked a little panicked at his father. But Jaehyun immediately shook his head. "No. Your mother and I just noticed that Chichi has stayed here a lot lately and I wanted to talk to you about the fact that ..." "Oh no, I think I know what kind of conversation this will be. Chichi and I are just talking and studying. Maybe we'll see series then, but that's it." Sunoh put his palms on his forehead and blushed completely. "I know, but you like Chichi right?" Jaehyun looked seriously at his son and he nodded carefully. "You are 15 years old. You will get curious and you have hormones. It is normal that there will be another step at some point." Jaehyun tried to appear calm, but inside it was all uncomfortable for him too. "Dad, please. This is so embarrassing." The boy sighed and didn't want to look his father in the eye anymore. "I know you think you already know everything. But I can tell you one thing, the female body is sometimes harder to understand than you think." "Oh god please don't," Sunoh swore. "It is important that you use contraception. In the beginning, a condom is always good, because it also protects against sexually transmitted diseases. It is important after you have opened it that you hold the tip so that no air comes in. This is important for later then there will be room for ... well ... you know ... for your end. " "Dad please. Why are you tormenting me so much?" Sunoh was desperate, but Jaehyun decided to just go with it. "You put on the condom and it shouldn't be too tight or too loose. After you're done, you roll it off carefully and best of all tie it up. Before you throw it away, check again that nothing is leaking." "Okay, was that it?", Sunoh was red as a tomato, he didn't want to hear anymore. "If you are having your first time with Chichi, you have to be very careful. It is painful for women. It is important that the girl is moist, otherwise it will hurt  her." "Dad, I can't listen any more." "SUNOH! I'm not having fun either. You can listen to this now and then we never have to have this conversation again, okay?" Jaehyun looked seriously at his son, who suddenly softened and nodded. "Make sure you always take care of the girl first. Always. It may be that she will bleed. But no panic it's normal. It's okay if you don't ... ahhh why is that so hard ... it's okay if you are too fast ... or ... uh ... you can’t perform." He saw how Sunoh buried his face in his pillow and couldn't look at his father. “But if you two have done it a few times, it will a wonderful thing." Jaehyun got up and handed something to his son. "Just to be safe." Sunoh looked at the package and saw that there were condoms inside. "So, I'm going again now and we never have to talk about it again." Jaehyun turned and disappeared from the room while Sunoh was still looking horrified at the condom pack.

In the afternoon the whole family celebrated Miga's birthday. There were presents, cakes and you are telling the family about the birth of your daughter for the hundredth time again. "Chichi will come over and bring you your present," Sunoh said and Miga grinned with joy. After all, she loves Chichi because she was like a little sister to her. "Is she staying here over night again?" You ask your son. Sunoh glanced at his father for a moment, then blushed and nodded. "Sunoh, I have another birthday wish." Miga leaned over to her brother and smiled. "What?", He knew something uncomfortable was coming. "Finally tell Chichi today that you like her. I can't look at you anymore, how you shyly dance around each other." Miga rolled her eyes because she wanted Sunoh and Chichi to come together. "But what if she doesn't like me as much?" Sunoh asked honestly. "Okay, I'll tell you something that I shouldn't tell you. Chichi has been in love with you for over a year." "Over a year?" Asked Sunoh in amazement. So she known for a long time that she liked him. He had only recently discovered his feelings for her. He'd never thought of girls before anyway. "Yes. And you hang out together every day. You're already like a couple. Please go with her, get married and have cute babies." Miga grinned and Sunoh was astonished. He didn't expect Chichi to feel the same way.  When the doorbell rang a few minutes later, Sunoh immediately jumped up. He picked up Chichi and went straight to the kitchen with her. "Happy birthday. It's from Yuta, Sana, Asami and me." Chichi handed the present to Miga, who got up at the same time and hugged her. "Many thanks." "Do you like a cake and a coffee?", Sunoh asked and Chichi nodded shyly. You, Jaehyun and Miga are watching them. Every time they accidentally touched, they apologized and blushed. They were super shy next to each other, but still they spent all their free time together. "I can hardly look at that, that's super awkward," said Jaehyun, looking at the two. "Oh, leave them, I think that's super cute," you say with a smile. "I think everyone knows, apart from the two themselves, that they like each other," said Miga and shook her head.

In the evening Miga went out with her friends. Actually, she wasn't allowed to go out because she had such bad grades. But since it was her birthday, you and Jaehyun made an exception. She went to a trendy place in Itaewon with her girls and she enjoyed the time to just have fun and drink. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIGA!" Shouted her friends and they all toast with their drinks. "Ahhh I am so happy that we are here." Miga giggled and took her first sip of her cocktail. "We know you'd rather be somewhere else." A friend of her winked and the other girls started giggling. "How are things going with the mysterious Elder Man?" Asked another. "He sent me flowers. But they weren't just any flowers. They have a meaning. But he hasn't called yet. I don't know, should I call him and thank him for the flowers?" Miga looked desperately at her friends. "Yes! He's waiting for it," said another friend. "Okay I'll call him tomorrow." Miga sighed and took another sip. "No! Now! It's not too late," encourage their friends. Miga looked around briefly and then nodded. "Okay, I'll be right back." She took her bag and left the bar quickly because it was too loud inside. She found a quiet spot and tapped Jaemin's number. She got nervous while on the line. Her heart was pounding and she waited until she suddenly heard a "Hey". "Hey Jaemin, thanks for the flowers," Miga said shyly. "You recognized them?" "Well, you were the only one who sent me daisies with an Audrey Hepburn quote." "Happy birthday, Miga," he said softly. Miga bit her lip lightly and wished she could be with him now. "Hey, I got so many flowers and cakes. My mum doesn't even know what to do with them. You always help an orphanage, right? Could we bring the things there?" "Wow, the kids would be happy about that. Should I pick you up tomorrow? At noon?" Jaemin knew he was doing something wrong. He shouldn't be alone with Miga anymore, but he was so fascinated by her. "Yes, that would be great ..." Miga's heart began to pound wildly for joy again. "Take care of yourself Miga," he said before hanging up. Miga wanted to scream for joy. It was the best birthday ever. But when she was about to go back to the bar, she looked into the bar opposite and saw a familiar face. "That can't be ...", she whispered to herself and walked closer to the building. She saw Janina, half passed out, lying at the table and a few young men around her. She saw how someone slowly touched her immorally and Miga couldn't watch it any more. She immediately ran into the bar and towards Jaina. "Get off your hands immediately, she is only 14 years old." Miga was incredibly angry and she tries to support Jaina. "What? She doesn't look like it!" One of the men panicked and threw money on the table to quickly disappear. Slowly the staff also became attentive. "You are Miga Jung, aren't you? Can we do something for you?" Miga was immediately recognized by the waiter. "Call me a taxi immediately," said Miga. "I'm sorry, this is Itaewon and at this time ...", the waiter stammered. "I don't care or do you want me to report you to the police because you gave a 14-year-old girl alcohol." Miga was in a complete sister mode. She just wanted to get Jaina home as soon as possible. "I'll talk to my manager." The waiter disappeared and you try to give Jaina water. But you noticed that one of the men wasn't scared off yet. "Hey, we want to go to a party. You and the little one can still come along." The man smiled dirty and Miga could throw up right on his shoes. "Yeah ... let's go to the party ..." Jaina slurred. "Look, the little one would like to go too," said the man and Miga rolled her eyes. "Pervert", Miga scolded him and the man got up immediately. "Do you just think you're better because you are famous. Sluts like you are always the same. Pretend innocent, but I bet you fuck all your fellow actors." "Okay that's enough. You already know that you talk to two young girls? I think manners would be the order of the day." A man, around Jaehuyn's age, got in the way and tried to support Miga a little. But the next moment the man got hit in the face. Miga screamed in shock, Jaina started to laugh. "Miss, I'm the manager of the restaurant. I'll get you and your friend out right away." Miga nodded and saw the waiter calling the police. "I'm so sorry that you got to know our bar under such circumstances." The manager bowed several times to Miga after putting Jaina in the back seat. "It's okay, thanks for the help," said Miga and sat down next to Jaina. After giving her address to the driver, she quickly called her friends to let them know that she was no longer coming. Jaina slowly recover and she carefully sat up. "Why did you suddenly have to play big sister? I could have done it alone." Jaina looked upset and looked contemptuously at Miga. "Excuse me? I didn't want something to happen that night that would destroy your life forever. These guys had no good things in their minds." Miga wanted to straighten Jaina's hair, but she slapped her hand away. "Oh, are you afraid that I will lose my virginity before you? If this continues with Sunoh and the stupid Chichi, then Sunoh will be loose it before you too." Jaina looked angrily at Miga, who was totally horrified. "What are you talking about? This is not a competition!" "Yeah yeah, just pretend you know your way around." Miga just didn't understand what was going on with Jaina. "Stop it, you know I'm a lot older." "Oh what? You have a perfect life. You are daddy's everything, successful actress and your siblings look up at you. So don't pretend you understand me." "I don't know it is easy with your half-sister Misook and that your father is now together with Irene, but you don't have a difficult life because of it." Miga looked at the girl with concern. She also wonders why no one was looking for her. "You don't know anything. Everyone loves you. You are one of those girls who everyone loves. Chichi too. She can't even open her mouth and still guys like Sunoh like her." "Is it something about Sunoh too? Do you like him?" Miga was surprised because she didn't know that. Jaina suddenly fell silent and stared out the window. Miga didn't know what to say, because Sunoh was 100% focused on Chichi. The two were a perfect match. She didn't know Jaina felt the same way. It was always wrong for Miga when classmates came to her and brought her little sister with them to introduce them to Sunoh. She always refused because she knew about Chichi, but she didn't know that Jaina was one of those girls too. Her brother was the new school crush and that only caused trouble.

Chichi and Sunoh sat outside with a thick blanket and a hot chocolate. Supposedly there should be a lot of shooting stars that night. Sunoh was nervous because he wanted to grant Miga's wish and finally confess his feelings to Chichi. "Are you okay?", She asked, because she noticed that Sunoh was tense. "Yes ... yes ..." He put his and Miga's cup aside and turned to her. "I wanted to tell you something ..." he began, but then Chichi discovered something. "Look, a falling star." She pointed to the sky and Sunoh turned to look at it too. "You can make a wish now." She smiled shyly and looked at Sunoh. "What did you wish for?" He asked curiously. Chichi carefully put her fist in front of her face and her cheeks turned red. "I can't say that." "Do you know what I wished for?" Sunoh looked deep into Chichi's eyes. His heart was pounding and he could almost only hear the blood in his ear. Chichi looked at him with wide eyes full of expectation. He wanted to come closer to hers with his lips, but then suddenly he heard his sister's voice. "Mum? Dad?" Miga called into the house. Sunoh and Chichi also stood up immediately and saw that Miga was supporting someone. "Is that Jaina?" You come down the stairs with Jaehyun and were suprised that your daughter was home so early. "Yeah, she's drunk. I was able to pull her away from a few guys." "I'll call Johanna in a minute. Jaina will sleep here for the night," you say and go to your phone. "I have such a headache," Jaina slurred and slowly came to her senses. "Where did you find her?" Jaehyun asked his daughter. "She was in the bar across the street and there was a guy who didn't want to leave her even though he knew she was only 14 years old." Miga sighed and Jaehyun took her Jaina from her to put her to bed. "Has something happened to her?", Sunoh asked worried. "No, I was here in time," said Miga and looked worriedly at the girl. "Do you know if she's been having problems lately? She was so angry, I don't even know her like that." Miga turned to her little brother and Chichi, but they both shake their heads. "Jaina hardly talks to me anymore," said Chichi sadly and bowed her head. "When we do something, then she's always normal," Sunoh said and Miga just nodded. But she was still worried about Jaina.

providentia masterlist

daddy jaehyun masterlist

[7-wonders]

You Say I’m in Love

Summary: Michael makes his rescue with his unexpected ally in tow, and HBIC Madison Montgomery whittles away at your willpower to continue surviving.

Word Count: 2444

A/N: The long-awaited next chapter of Mad Love! As always, feedback is appreciated, and if you enjoyed, I would love if you left a like, comment, or reblog. Enjoy :)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17

Two weeks in captivity comes with little fanfare; a daily changing of the guard is the only sort of notification that you receive, along with Madison Montgomery’s foray into your prison cell to verbally and, a new addition in the past couple of days, physically harass you. Although it’s nothing too serious, just a little pushing and shoving that occasionally turns into something a little harsher, it chips away at whatever remains of your morale. At this point, you’re not sure that there is anything left in that respect.

A choked groan escapes your mouth as you’re slammed against the wall by an unseen force, almost as if to illustrate your point. It’s laughable that you’ve thought of Michael as the “blond devil,” because with the way that Madison is standing across from you with a cruel smirk on her face and a cigarette poised between her fingers, she owns that title. You slide down to your knees, attempting to regain your breath and breathe through what you’re sure is a cracked rib. However, you’re given barely a moment to recover before being hauled up to your feet again, this time with Madison’s hand gripping the roots of your hair.

“You know, you disgust me,” she hisses, watching with unfettered glee as you wince in pain.

“Yes, you’ve made that very clear in the past couple of days.”

“When the cat’s away, the mouse will play.”

“So you’re scared of Mallory, then?” She releases you suddenly, eyes full of fire as she glares at you. Obviously, you’ve hit a nerve by bringing up the younger woman who’s next in line for the Supremacy (yeah, you’ve eavesdropped, but what else is there to do here?). Hot, blinding white light explodes in your field of vision, and it takes you a moment to realize you’ve been punched. Another moment, and you conclude that she made you punch yourself. “Fuck, I throw a mean punch.”

“You’ve never asked me why you disgust me,” Madison notes.

“That’s because I don’t care.” A drop of blood blooms on the floor, and you pinch your nose and tilt your head back to stop the blood from flowing more.

“I’ll never understand how somebody could be in love with the Antichrist.”

You unexpectedly let out a sharp laugh, the sound coming out as more of a wheeze as you grab at your ribs in discomfort. “I’m not in love with Michael!”

Madison looks like she thinks you’re obviously lying, and you scoff.

“I’m not! Like, I love him, sure, but as a friend!”

“I can’t tell if you’re lying or just insanely blind.”

“Thirty seconds ago you were making me beat myself up, and now you’re trying to describe my feelings to me?”

Madison rolls her eyes. “If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t be resisting helping us take him down.”

“You want to kill him! I can’t let you do that. Like I told Cordelia, he’s my friend.” Madison takes a step towards you, making you flinch in anticipation. “Where is your Supreme, anyways? Shouldn’t she be here to keep you in check?”

“Cordelia’s away, and since Myrtle’s an old bat, I’m in charge.” Makes sense why you’ve only been beaten up in the past couple of days, then.

“Well, your good witch, bad witch routine isn’t exactly working, and it’s obvious that Michael’s not coming for me. You gonna put me out of my misery and kill me, or do you want to beat me up some more before that?”

Madison narrows her eyes, and you steel yourself in preparation. “You wanna know how I know you’re in love with the Antichrist who you’re so sure is not going to rescue you? It’s the way that you look when he’s mentioned. Your eyes get all soft, and then you look like you’re waiting for him to come in and sweep you away.”

“Yeah, because I’m desperate to get out of here!”

“What about how fast you come to his defense? That’s not just friendship.”

You look at Madison like she’s crazy. “Yes, it is.”

“This is the first time you’ve ever been in love.” It’s not a question. “I know you have this idealized version of what it’s like to be in love with a person. You’re expecting there to be this big ‘aha’ moment, sparks and instant connection and love at first sight. It’s not like that, though. It’s the little things that make you realize that you’re in love.

“When you can say anything, no matter how dumb you think it may be, and you know they won’t laugh at you. You can see their face when you close your eyes, feel their arms around you even after they’re done holding you. Their presence eases any pain, and you can just truly be yourself without fear of ridicule. It’s a slow realization, not at all like what you’ve read about or seen in movies. It doesn’t surprise me that you haven’t come to that conclusion yourself.”

You’re silent, face stone-cold as you digest the verbal blows that Madison just laid on you. She’s not right, that’s ridiculous. There’s no way that you’re in love with Michael. He’s...dependable, and can make you laugh even when you feel like crying, but so what? Maybe you do get to say things without fear of judgement, his smile whenever you make a dumb joke bringing butterflies to your stomach. You’re absolutely certain that you’re not in love with Michael...almost.

Madison smirks, knowing that this has gotten to you more than any punch or shove could. “I pity you, really. You’re pathetic.”

With a short laugh, she saunters out of your cell. The door clangs shut behind her, the sound barely registering in your brain. The only thing that resounds in your head:

Are you in love with Michael?

//

“I swear, Mallory, that if this is some sort of trap, I will not hesitate to brutally and painfully murder you and every single witch I can get my hands on.” The threat is blunt, although Mallory would expect nothing less from the Antichrist standing next to her. 

“You really think I wouldn’t have already had the witches ambush you if this was a trap?”

“Pardon me for not exactly trusting you right now.”

Michael really can’t be blamed for his apprehensiveness right now. Honestly, Mallory had been preparing herself to be tortured or killed after Michael got the information that he wanted. It was a gamble for her to go rogue in the first place, and it was a near-miracle that she had actually been listened to when she showed up on his doorstep last night. After hurriedly explaining herself, and being more shocked that Michael actually listened to her (maybe (Y/N) is a good influence on him), a hasty game plan had been established. And by “game plan,” it was really just Mallory stopping Michael from running to rescue (Y/N) without any sort of idea of what he was going to do.

“I just need you to trust me until we get (Y/N), then you can hate me.”

He glances at the rising Supreme with suspicion. “Why do you want to help, anyways? You’re the reason (Y/N)’s in this situation in the first place.”

“Because I was stupid and naive for going along with whatever Cordelia told me to do. I should have backed out the moment that we actually became friends, but I didn’t. That’s going to remain one of my biggest regrets; that I didn’t stop this situation from happening in the first place.”

Michael knows that she’s being serious; those big, dark eyes of hers hide no secrets. Still, he can’t help himself from harboring a fair amount of resentment. “(Y/N) trusted you, Mallory.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Mallory yells, making Michael stop in surprise. “You don’t think I saw the betrayal in her eyes when her fucking car crashed and I was the last person she saw before she passed out? Or how she reacted when she woke up and saw that her eyes really hadn’t deceived her? I used to look up to Cordelia, and I would gladly have followed her to the ends of the Earth before this mess. She teaches us that the sisterhood we have with our fellow witch is the most sacred of all bonds, but she’s wrong. The secrets, the lies, the anger? That’s not sisterhood. What I have with (Y/N) and Kate is sisterhood.”

Mallory takes a deep breath, reining in the anger that Michael wasn’t aware she was capable of.

“Let’s just finish this, and then you can kill me and be on your way.”

Michael shakes his head. “Oh, I’m not gonna kill you.”

“You’re not?”

“Not unless (Y/N) asks me to.”

They reach an unassuming looking set of storage units, and Mallory pulls a key from her pocket and unlocks the front gate. “Far enough away that you weren’t able to trace us, but close enough that we wouldn’t have to use transmutation to get here.”

“You were planning this out for some time then?” Michael tries to act like he doesn’t care what the answer will be, but Mallory knows that this is all just evidence that he’s cataloguing.

“A few months.”

Michael confidently strides to the first unit, holding his hand out and busting open the lock with a flash of sparks. “Stay here.”

“What? Why would I stay here? I’m going with you!”

He looks back at Mallory, who shudders when she sees the definition of a devilish grin on his face. “Wouldn’t want you to inadvertently end up as a casualty.”

//

It starts with a scream.

You’re jolted awake (you hadn’t even realized that you’d fallen asleep) by a sharp noise from far away. Dismissing it as a chair squeaking or a dog yelping, you roll over on the mattress and close your eyes again. Your attempt at sleep is thwarted when you hear the noise again, only closer this time. Now, you’re certain that what you’re hearing is screaming. Sitting up, your heart hammers in your chest as more screaming is heard, accompanied by sounds of banging. 

The commotion slowly gets closer and closer, making you begin to feel like a character in a horror movie. You had thought that nothing could frighten you more than being kidnapped and forced to marry the Antichrist, but this might just top that fear. Glancing around, you realize that there’s no sort of weapon that could protect you if this is finally the witches coming to kill you. As a last resort, you press yourself to the wall facing the door in an attempt to catch whoever may come inside in a sneak attack.

An eerie silence falls upon the cell, your ears ringing from the sudden lack of noise. Then, a sound akin to a cannon exploding momentarily deafens you as the door goes flying off of its hinges. You shriek and cover your face, hesitantly lowering your arms when the door clatters near the mattress that’s been yours for two weeks. 

“Michael?” Disbelief colors your tone, sure that the blond in front of you is merely an illusion. After all, the witches had used illusions to trick you before; why not do it to fully shatter any willpower you may still have?

“(Y/N),” Michael gasps. The intimidating demeanor that he had upon breaking into the room melts away as he races towards you, concern evident on his face. You begin to shake as he grabs you by your shoulders, realizing that he’s real and here and that all of your wishful thinking has finally come true.

“Michael, I-I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have...I didn’t mean--”

“Shh,” Michael quiets your tearful words, eyes scanning you and filling more and more with anger as he notices the blood and the various cuts on your body. “Who did this to you? Which one of those witches dared to lay a hand on you?”

“Madison.”

His nostrils flare, but he focuses on what’s important and pulls you to him in a hug. “Don’t worry, they won’t ever hurt you again.”

“Did you...kill them?”

“I did what had to be done.”

You nod, allowing yourself to sink into the hug. “This is the first time you’ve ever hugged me first, you know.”

Michael laughs, kissing the top of your head for a long moment. “Don’t worry, this won’t be the last time.”

“Promise?” You look up at him, and your heart aches when you see that he’s crying. “Yeah, I promise.” He pulls away from you, but remains touching you. “Do you think you can walk out, or do you want me to carry you?”

“I can walk.”

Michael leads you to the door, stopping right before reaching the hallway. “I’m going to caution you and say that the carnage may be a lot for you to handle. I...lost control when they started trying to attack me, and may have engaged in a bit of overkill.”

“I’ll be able to handle it, Michael.” Just walking down the hallway, however, reveals the white concrete walls splattered in copious amounts of blood. You shudder, choosing to bury your face in Michael’s shoulder so as not to actually see any bodies and letting him lead you out of your prison.

The sunlight burns your eyes when you emerge, and you blink furiously to regain your vision. When the black spots do clear from your eyesight, you see another figure waiting for you.

“What the fuck? Mallory?”

She sheepishly waves at you. “You told me to do something about it, and so I did. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to come to my senses.”

Mallory tries to take a step forward, but becomes frozen by an unseen force. Michael has a hand raised ahead of him, glowering at the witch in front of him.

“You’re lucky that I don’t kill you right now, little witch. The only reason I’m sparing your life is because you helped me find (Y/N). If I find you plotting against me ever again, however, I will kill you.” His hand flexes, and Mallory falls forward. “Get out of my sight before I change my mind.”

Mallory wants to say more to you, but Michael looks deadly serious about his threat. Within a second, the new Supreme is gone.

“Now,” Michael smiles softly, “let’s go home.”

Home. The comforts of your physical home are appealing to you on a level that they never have before, but standing in Michael’s embrace, you realize that you already are home.

//

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[omg-imagine]

⊱ Forget Me Not (8/15) ⊰

Pairing: Keanu Reeves x Reader

Summary: After you wake up from a coma and realize that your memories from the last five years have been erased, Keanu works to bring back what you have lost.

Words: 4.1k

Warnings: Angst

A/N: I kept thinking this would be a short chapter but then BAM! words ahaha. Once again, thank you for the feedback! It truly means the world to me. I hope you enjoy!

Part 7

Since the spontaneous beach date in Santa Monica, time seemed to blend seamlessly from one day to the next. Nearly three, blissful weeks had flown by in a blink of an eye, and your relationship with Keanu blossomed like a fresh flower in the spring. The connection had grown more profound when the two of you crossed the line between friendship and romance, the sweet kiss on the sandy shores being the final push you needed.

The days that followed felt something akin to the beginning of the honeymoon phase in a relationship. Your parents had been right; Keanu was a good man who loved you very much. Each day he was winning over your heart more and more. He treated you like a queen with a tender adoration, unlike no other. He made you feel things you didn't believe anymore, pulling you away from the past you've known and despised, and replacing it with moments much better.

Keanu had made it his mission to bring you to all of the favorite places you used to go together. He took you to a fancy restaurant up in the hills, an art gallery you spent hours at, and most recently, a botanical garden where you found out about your newest affinity for flowers. Everywhere you went, Keanu shared with you cute little anecdotes from the last time you visited, adding more stories to cherish in your heart forever.

Along with that, you were also unable to keep your hands off of each other. Touches seemed to linger a little longer, and holding hands while out in public became the norm. You realized how much you were addicted to kissing Keanu, and how your heart would melt with every adoring look he gave after pulling away.

Sometimes, you would steal a kiss from Keanu when he least expected it. He would be in the midst of telling you about his day at the Arch office when suddenly, you would lean in and kiss the living daylights out of him. After a moment of surprise, he would quickly kiss you back, his lips perfectly melding with yours as he held you close. You didn't know of another man who could kiss you breathlessly like Keanu, and deep inside, you didn't want to.

You only wanted him.

Though the two of you had gotten closer over the last few weeks, you didn't miss the slight sadness hiding behind his eyes. Whenever you tried to get Keanu to open up about his feelings, he was often reluctant to do so, answering with short, vague responses that barely skimmed the surface. Something was clearly troubling him, and it was a bit worrisome that he couldn't tell you why.

But you still trusted him. Perhaps it was quite naive of you to believe that he has done nothing wrong, but he never gave you a reason not to. Your best guess was that he continued to blame himself for your accident. There could have been a quarrel that night, causing you to leave the house, which wasn't unusual for you to do so. After all, you did have a bad temper, and a bad temper was typically followed by impulsive decisions, usually unfortunate ones.

Such as driving in the dark, in the middle of a nasty storm.

And if you were correct, then Keanu shouldn't feel guilty about what had happened, and he needed to understand that.

"Y/N?"

A gentle voice spoke your name, and you glanced up, seeing Harry, the receptionist at the office. Your doctor had cleared you to return to work earlier that week, and you were excited to finally have something to do rather than stay at home all day. You weren't sure what exactly your job entailed, but being that it's related to one of your passions, you couldn't wait to get started.

"Hey, Harry," you smiled as you stood up from your seat, smoothing out the wrinkles from your blouse.

"Nicholas is ready for you in his office," the older gentleman informed you. "It really is great seeing you again here. Everyone was so worried when we got word of your accident and the amnesia. I almost didn't believe it until you walked in here and didn't recognize me right away. But all that matters is that you're fine now, and you're back."

"Thank you. I appreciate the card you sent me while I was in the hospital. It was lovely of you to do that."

"Of course, honey. You and I were inseparable, and I wish you could remember the shenanigans we've done here."

"Me too," you added. "Don't worry, one day we'll get lunch together and catch up."

"I can't wait." Harry beamed brightly, leading the way to Nicholas' office.

Stopping in the hallway just several feet from your boss' door, Harry turned around to face you. "You ready?"

"As I'll ever be," you answered, sensing the slight jitters in your body.

"Don't worry, Nick is a nice guy. You're going to love him," Harry responded before approaching the office and knocking lightly on the wooden door. "Sir, she's here."

Seconds later, the door swung open, revealing a tall man with a bright smile, joy and relief emanating from his face as his eyes settled on you. He was younger than you had expected him to be, more charming and good-looking, too. You felt Harry softly squeeze your shoulder before walking away, leaving you alone with Nicholas.

"I can't believe that you're back," he said, stepping to the side and allowing you to enter his office. "When Harry mentioned that you were coming to visit today, I was ecstatic. We've missed you around here. Well, mostly me because I thought I had lost the best assistant I've had."

Sitting down in front of his desk, you studied the walls around the room. It was decorated with what you assumed were his best works, as well as the plaques, certificates, and awards he had received for his talent. According to Molly, Nicholas was very well-known in the industry, and you were lucky to have worked alongside him.

"Impressive, huh?" You heard him say, and you shifted your gaze forward. "It took years of hard work and dedication. Not impossible as some people may think."

"I didn't pursue a career in this at first because that's exactly what I had thought—it was impossible."

Nicholas nodded. "That wasn't your mindset any more after you started working with me. You have the talent and tenacity. I could see you owning a successful business one day."

"Really?" You smiled at him.

"Surely," he replied, sliding a portfolio towards you. "Here, these are your most recent works. Back in January, we were doing this big fashion shoot in Prague. Soon after it was over, we went to Paris and then Milan. Your gift really shone at that time, and I'm very proud of how far you've come."

Flipping through the photographs, you couldn't believe that this what you were now doing for a living. It certainly was a step up from those boring 9 to 5 jobs you used to have.

"We actually have another project for a client coming up soon. It'll be a week in Japan, and I was hoping that you'll be well enough to come."

"That sounds amazing, and it would be an honor," you began, closing the portfolio and handing it back to Nicholas. "But I'm not sure if it’s the best idea to do so soon. I don't think I'm as good now than I was before the crash."

"Nonsense," Nicholas chuckled. "You are a natural, and I've known that since the very first day you walked in here. I'll tell you what, just think about it and get back to me in a week or two. I would really love to have you back on our team again."

"Okay," you nodded your head, accepting his suggestion. "I'll think about it and let you know if my decision changes."

"Good," he grinned, giving you two thumbs up before getting up from his seat. "Now, let me show you around and re-introduce you to everyone else. I'm sure they're all excited to see you."

---

You were practically skipping out of the building at the end of the day, overwhelmed with excitement knowing that you would be officially back to work next Monday. Although you wouldn't be doing everything you were usually responsible for, Nicholas was willing to use the time you're there to train you again.

As you walked to the quiet parking lot across the street, you heard the clicking of a camera shutter, a sound that was unmistakable in your ears. There was a sudden flash of bright light, followed by another click, whirr, and repeat. It was coming from behind you, you could tell, and your feet began picking up the pace. You could already spot Keanu's car which you had borrowed parked at the very end of the lot, and you quickly searched for the keys inside your purse.

"Damn it," you muttered when you stumbled, dropping your bag and its contents all over the concrete.

Your heart thumped wildly in your chest as you caught a glimpse of the stranger approaching you. It wasn't that you were scared that he might hurt you. You had become somewhat used to the presence of paparazzi whenever you and Keanu were out and about. But this was the first time that you were alone, cornered by one, and you didn't know what to expect.

"Here, let me help you, Y/N," the man's deep voice sounded as he crouched right beside you, a camera ready in his hand.

"No, it's fine," you gruffly spoke, grabbing your belongings and tossing them back into the purse as fast as you could. "Please, just leave me alone."

"Hey, there's no need to be worried," he assured. Though he wasn't menacing, you could tell that trouble lay ahead the more he spoke to you. "I only want to talk, that's all."

Finally, you stood up and swung your purse over your shoulder, walking briskly towards your vehicle. "No, I don't want to talk to you."

"Listen, Y/N, I'm running a story here about you and your boyfriend Keanu," the man trailed closely behind you. Merely a few steps more, you thought to yourself, and you would escape his bold intrusiveness. "There's been reports of your break-up before the accident—"

"Break-up?" you halted for a brief second, the mention of it catching you off-guard. Turning your head, you looked at the man in the eye. "You must be mistaken."

You didn't know why you were still talking to him. What you should be doing was getting inside the car and driving back home.

Back to Keanu.

But your mind couldn't shake away the strange feeling unexpectedly washing over you. You drew in a shallow breath, unable to ignore a certain uneasiness. You dared not to ask anything further, afraid that the man's answer would be nothing but hearsay. Yet, you remained intrigued, not fully understanding why. It sounded familiar as if it wasn't the first time you had heard it.

"Yeah, break-up," the man carefully nodded. "The two of you hadn’t been seen together in months. There were reports of tension between you and Keanu for a while. Surely this rings a bell, yes?"

You stayed silent. According to Keanu, no one outside your family and a select number of friends knew about your amnesia. His team hasn't caught wind of any article mentioning your current condition either, and you wanted to keep it that way.

"I-I have to go," you stammered out before promptly opening the driver's side door and sliding inside.

From the rearview mirror, you could see the man taking more pictures of you, even as you pulled out of the parking space. You drove away from the building and further down the street, turning into a convenience store lot once you were sure that you had gotten far enough. Putting the car in park, you sat there for a moment, hands still gripping the wheel as doubt gnawed at your guts.

The quiet purr of the engine filled the empty air, offering itself as a fleeting distraction from the hurricane of thoughts swirling inside your head. You didn't want to believe what some stranger had said to you, but you couldn't easily brush it off. It perturbed you, causing you to second guess everything you know, what Keanu has told you.

The perfect relationship you had painted— the one deeply ingrained in your mind for some time— was now falling apart. It crumbled down the more you tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle, your heart both seeking and fearing the truth. You had always ignored the possibility that Keanu could have been lying to you, pushing the idea of it away because you wanted to hold onto the happiness.

But perhaps you were indeed that naive after all.

---

Keanu flipped back to the first page of the script he had finished reading, thoroughly enjoying the plot and the storyline of the character he was being asked to play. He could see himself accepting the role and working on the movie scheduled to shoot early next year. The only thing holding him back once again was you.

Things between him and you were going great, to say the least. It felt like everything was back to normal. The kind of normal which Keanu had missed so dearly and at one point, thought that the two of you would never get to experience again. This entire journey of showing you the memories that you've lost was also reminding him of what was special about you. It reminded him of why he fell in love with you, something he had forgotten before the accident.

You would be coming home anytime soon, so Keanu decided to simply wait and discuss with you about the upcoming project. As he sat there on the couch, scrolling mindlessly through the hundreds of emails on his phone, another text came in from Molly, and he heaved out a sigh. Opening the notification, he then read the words on the screen, realizing that it was the same question she has been asking him for weeks.

Have you told her yet?

No, Keanu typed out and quickly hit send.

When will you? It's been weeks, Keanu. She deserves to know the truth.

Ignoring Molly's response, he deleted the messages and set his cell down on the coffee table. Keanu was lucky that she had not mentioned anything about it yet to you despite how often you and Molly were talking now. He knew it would only be a matter of time before she told you, however, either on purpose or a slip of the tongue. Keanu should be grateful that Molly was giving him the chance to confess to you himself instead of hearing it from someone else.

As if it fared any better the last time.

Keanu was mulling over his predicament when he heard the car pulling into the driveway. Quickly, he got up and headed to the front door, ready to greet you and ask you how your day went. But when he stepped outside and saw the crestfallen look on your face, the smile he had on faltered, withering away as he hurriedly met you halfway.

"Hey, what's wrong? Did something happen?" Keanu probed, bringing his hands up to hold the sides of your face. You didn't even glance up as you pushed him away, silently walking past him. You almost made it to the door when you paused, your body tense as it slowly spun around to face him.

"Ke," you said his name in a whisper, your teary gaze meeting his own. You opened your mouth again to speak, but no other words would come out. Keanu waited as you attempted to collect yourself, but your chest continued to rise and fall with rapid breaths. "I-I can't… There are just too many thoughts in my head. I-I feel so scattered."

Exhaling deeply, Keanu recognized it almost immediately. You were clearly overwhelmed, and he knew a way to calm you down. Closing in the distance between you and him, he placed a palm on your cheek, urging you to look at his eyes. "Do you trust me?"

"I-I don't know," you stuttered lowly, much to Keanu's shock. "I don't know what to think anymore."

"Then let me help," he spoke softly. His hand moved down to grasp yours, tugging it slightly as he began heading towards the garage, encouraging you to follow.

Punching in the code, the door opened slowly, revealing his array of motorcycles inside. Keanu led you to his most treasured bike, his sleek and elegant black Norton Commando which had become your favorite one to ride with him. He caught the hesitation etched in your features, so he gave your hand a reassuring squeeze.

"I need you to trust me right now, can you do that?"

You shrugged, eyes remaining downcast. "What are we doing?"

"We're going for a ride," Keanu answered before swiftly retrieving two helmets and the keys by the back wall. "Here, put this on while I wheel the bike out."

Moments later, Keanu was on the motorcycle with you sitting behind him. Your arms were tightly wrapped around his waist, afraid of losing balance. The bike idled underneath as he glanced over his shoulder, seeing you looking back at him.

"Don't worry, just relax and hold on," he said over the rumbling sound of the engine running.

Pushing the kickstand up, Keanu twisted the handlebars and smoothly pulled out of the driveway and onto the quiet street. Usually, he would have gone at a faster speed but decided to drive a mile or two under the posted limit. He wanted you to get used to the feeling of riding a bike again, which he hoped was currently working.

He felt you leaning in close, your chest resting on his back as he carefully navigated up and down the winding roads. The cool nighttime breeze blew gently into Keanu's face, but all he could focus on besides the path ahead was the heat radiating from you. A familiar warmth spread throughout his body as you clung on to him.

Yet another thing he has missed.

Reaching a red light, Keanu placed a foot down to steady the bike, waiting for the signal to change. He then looked back at you, noticing how your eyes had softened and the small smile on your lips. "Are you okay?"

You gave him a nod. "Yeah. I actually quite like this."

Keanu removed a hand from the handlebar and placed it above the one splayed on his abdomen. He intertwined his fingers with yours, allowing the simple touch to bring you comfort and reassurance. Eventually, the light turned green, and he started to drive again, the destination in mind just another mile up ahead.

Slowing down as he reached a bend, he brought the bike to a stop along the side of the road and shut off the ignition. Keanu slid his helmet off, brushing his messy locks back as you did the same. 

"Is this…" you trailed off, seeing the bright lights of Los Angeles in the distance, the scenic view in front of you nearly taking your breath away. "This is the overlook from that picture back at the house."

Keanu smiled as he took your hand and began strolling through the grassy hill, bringing you closer to the edge. The sky was like a dark, infinite canvas with millions of twinkling stars painted upon it. They shone brilliantly in your eyes that were filled with wonder and awe. He led you to a wooden bench, gesturing for you to sit before taking the space next to you.

There was silence, and as much as Keanu wanted to break it, he let you bask in it for now. The overlook was a special place for both of you, not only because it was where he kissed you for the first time. It was the place you went to when life got too stressful, and you needed peace. It was a place for you to get away for a little while just to think.

"When I left the office, something happened," you revealed, your attention still on the skyline. "A guy approached me, one of those paparazzi, and he said we broke up before the crash."

Keanu's breath stalled as your glossy gaze slowly shifted to him.

"I know I shouldn't be paying them any attention or believe a word that they say," you sighed. "But it stuck to me and left me wondering if there's any truth to it."

This was it. It was Keanu's time to finally come clean. This was his opportunity to tell you what truly happened that night and the months leading up to it. As he sat there staring into your pleading eyes, he could already sense the hurt in them, and Keanu knew he would only be adding more.

"We didn't break up," he said tautly, his voice thick. "But for a while, we were in a bad place in our relationship."

"A bad place?" You repeated shakily. "What happened?"

Keanu licked his dry lips, his eyes flickering down in shame. "We were fighting a lot. I was doing a movie out of town, and the distance made it worse. I'd promise that I'd be home to spend time with you but never followed through. When I did come back, I let out all of my stress on you and pushed you away whenever you tried to get close. You were growing tired of it—of me. Meanwhile, I just ignored it."

Truth.

"The night of your accident, we got into a huge argument. I had said so many hurtful things to you that I still can't believe those words came out of my mouth," he continued, running a hand over his face.

Half-truth.

Keanu still couldn't force himself to admit it, the real truth. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't say it. It was already difficult for him to tell you pieces of the story. The memories of you and him screaming at each other and hurling insults broke his heart all over again.

If there was one thing Keanu had learned that night, it was that he couldn't lose you. He has gone through tragedy after tragedy for years, and he didn't want you to be another one of his devastating losses. He believed that he'd make up for his mistakes later on and prove to you how much he regretted making them.

Prove to you that he still loved you despite what he had told you before you stormed out of the house.

"Y/N?" He murmured, his hand coming to rest on your thigh, gently shaking you out of your daze. "Please, say something."

You blinked at him as you placed your hand on top of his. "We all make mistakes, Keanu."

"I know, and I didn't want to tell you because I was scared."

You knitted your brows. "Scared of what?"

"That you'd leave me. I was scared that if I told you that we were at the end of our ropes, you wouldn't stay. But I need you, Y/N. I love you, and I can't see myself spending a day without you."

"I don't like lies, Keanu." Shaking your head, you cupped the side of Keanu's face, the pad of your thumb brushing against the prickly scruff along his jaw. "You should have told me this earlier."

A single tear streaked down his cheek, and you wiped it away. "I know."

“But is that all?”

Swallowing thickly, Keanu nodded once.

Lie.

“Okay, I believe you.”

He exhaled a long breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep that from you.”

"You don't have to be perfect, Ke, because no one on this earth is. I might not remember how I felt back then, but all that matters is what I'm feeling now."

"And that is?"

You smiled softly at him before nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. "I feel like I'm falling in love with you."

With his free hand, Keanu tilted your chin up so that your eyes could meet. Though there was less weight on his shoulders now, he had yet to share with you one last important detail of the story. He's now caught in a battle between telling you to clear his conscience or let the secret be forgotten but risk dealing with the consequences if you end up finding out on your own.

But when you leaned up to his face, your soft lips sweetly molding to his, Keanu saved the fight with himself for another time. Because god forbid you do uncover the truth and leave, he wanted to at least savor every moment he has left with you.

Part 9

Tags: @penwieldingdreamer​ @fanficsrusz​ @toomanystoriessolittletime​ @awessomness​ @meetmeinthematinee​ @ringa-starr​ @ficsnroses​ @iworshipkeanureeves​ @keandrews​ @greenmanalishi​ @feminine-machinegun​ @thehumanistsdiary​ @lussdew​ @rdjloverxxx @flaminasteroid @danceoftwowolves @allie1804-fan

[hopefuljoon]

BST: Chapter 3 - Life goes on, the beginning of an end (past)

A/N: This chapter is set in the past. I’ve wrote a background for Yoongi and the character.

Tags: mention of gun, blood, death, PTSD, gore-y, it’s a gang/mafia AU. If you’re not comfortable, please skip.

Word count: 3240 words

Previous

What your younger and naive self didn’t know then was that it was going to be the last time you saw your parents smiling happily, being alive and well. You never wondered even for a second, how the mansion you live in, the expenses, clothing, and jewelry were obtained through their laundered and bloodied money. Looking back, you had just figured they were Old Money. What you didn’t know then and innocently assumed would come back and take its toll.

*Min Residence*

“Prepare the headquarter base! Enemy line invasion!” as Yoongi’s father yelled to the subordinate of the Yeonson gang. “My dear, you need to leave with Yoongi before they breach through the first security level, it’s not safe here.”, his gaze softens when it lands on the sight of his wife and their son cradled in her arm, soundly asleep. Despite the authority in his voice, she refused him saying that if this is the place of his final resting then she won’t budge from the spot. “You know I can’t let you do that, I- I need you to live on..If not for me then for him” as he reasoned with concern laced over his scrunched eyebrows. “You know I’m better at handling the ground plan defense than you” she jokes despite the heavy air that surrounded them and scooted closer to him.

Knowing it was going to be a loss cause arguing with her, he let her win and stay as she pleased but he made her promise that when security level 5 was breached, she had to leave immediately. She rolled her eyes at him as she rested her head on his shoulder before parting to leave for the nursery room, hidden within the heart of the house. They shared one last lingering kiss before he committed her smiling face to his memory as if it was the last time he’d see her before running off to the base.

She ascended the grand staircase and headed towards the music room. At the center, there was a black 1926 Steinway Grand Piano bathing in the moonlight shining in from the billowing white curtains. She glanced down at the baby in her hands before kissing him on his forehead as he began to stir. The sound of feet paddling against the marble floor was light as she made her way to the piano, pressing 5 keys before the bookcase on the right began to shift revealing a metal door with a padlock. Tears began to form as her body shifted towards the padlock and her fingers pressed the keys 030993. The metal door opened inward as the automated soft glow of lights inside the room hummed to life. “Even if I don’t make it out alive with you today...Min Yoongi...we love you so much my little one..stay safe and grow up strong for Mommy and Daddy, ok?”, she whispered as she took his small hands in hers and hugged him close, quietly wiping away her tears with her sweater, before releasing him and gently putting him down into his crib. Even if lives would be lost today, Yoongi wouldn’t be found by those who didn’t know the floor plan of the residence. The walls within his nursery room were soundproof even if he cries, no one will hear him. The metal door is thick in size and unbreakable without the code.

That night, Y/N parents followed through on the group’s mission to raid the Min’s resident and base. Your family gang had always been the rival of Yeonson’, always in the crossfire between the smuggled drugs and the underground alcohol scene. That night, Yoongi was safe. The house was empty, except for scattered human remains everywhere. It looked like a war swept through this place, a gang war specifically.

No one came to that resident, the massacre was bloody, body parts were all over the place. It looked like an unearth graveyard, the walls were painted red instead of their normal sparkly wooden color. The butler and the cleaning crew was the one who discovered the baby was alive. It took them a while to crack the code. They wrack their brain for any combination of 6 digits numbers that was special to the Min family until they heard the door unlocked. They picked up the quiet baby and thanked the stars to know their master’s gang would continue. He was their hope, their dream even if the baby didn’t know that. At least the baby would live on, and not starve to death in this tight room had no one came to the rescue.

Your parents had actually survived the raid and came home to their daughter. You were awake, had always been since they left. You ran down the stairs to greet them as you saw your parents walking in, tracking bloody footprints and droplets trailing. Their weary eyes met yours and you could have sworn they looked like they just saw a ghost. They were about to lecture you when they heard the safety pin of a gun being released and the cold metal pressed against the back of their skull. “Turn slowly and place your weapons down”, a cold voice commanded. Your parents froze but slowly comply as you backed away in fear. “You can do whatever you want to us, please just spare our daughter” you heard your mother says. A second later, you heard it, two resounding gunshots and your parents fall to the ground as blood spews onto the marble floor. You screamed while tears streaked down your face blurring your vision as you ran to the safest place you know, your room. Hidden within its wall was an underground playroom, accessible only by voice activation. Your parents had originally built it to house your toys but mainly to protect you in the case there was ever a gang house raid on your property. Your maids and butler came running to the sound of gunshot to find your parents had been assassinated as the rival gang members stood menacingly at your front. They had killed the workers that came running to the scene as they scoured the house to find more prey who bore witness. There was no such a thing as mercy when their boss was killed. They left you though because they deemed you’d be traumatized and end up a weakling who is forever silenced through your nightmares. Oh how wrong they were. That night, you made a promise. Not one of revenge but one of staying strong and surviving.

*12 years later*

The deed of what his family owned would be transferred to Yoongi. He grew into an emotionless stone, though his feature aged like fine wine, as he entered university. He had taken over the gang when he grew old enough to understand the family business.

He was informed long ago that the rival boss’s family had a daughter, one that was alive. Coincidentally, she was attending the same university that he’s currently enrolled in. She was the top of her class while he was simply passing through the day and sleeping it away.

The day you two had met was because you were crying alone near the open field that led into the forest. The university was built on a mountain, one that overlooks the beautiful ocean from afar. The land in between was covered in miles of green forest. He knew of you, of your status as an ex rival gang daughter but also the highest GPA student in the biological science department. You were on track of pre-med after all. You had snuck out of the school festival of mother’s day as students show appreciation for their parents. It was simply too painful, even if the nightmare was 12 years ago. As for Yoongi, he just didn’t care enough and wanted to spend his day elsewhere, a quiet and secluded place at that. He sat down next to you and offered you a cold bottle of water. You turned to see him looking into the forest beyond as you rubbed your eyes quickly. “It’s alright, let it out. It’s better that way”, he whispered almost too quiet but you heard him. You simply nodded, fearful that your voice might be too hoarse and broken to reply. He patted your back soothingly as you twisted the cap and gulped down the cold drink. “What are you doing here Yoongi?” you turn to him as he spun his head to look at you. Your gaze met his for a second before he turned away, rolling his eyes. “I could ask you the same thing”. You just left it at that, not wanting to delve too much and invade into his privacy. Your friendship started from that day onward as he continued to sit with you in silence, his hands never stopping to rest as it rubbed your back soothing. The rest of the time there was history.

As the bother of you entered your third year, he invited you over to his house. The memory of the first time that you had agreed would be forever etched into your mind. When you walked a step through the front door that the maid had opened for you, you came face to face with a black caliber pointed at you. “Who are you? Why are you here?” he says as you squint to look at the man before you. “Yoongi invited me here, it should be me asking who are you to point a gun at a guest? Aren’t you simply being quite rude?” you replied back smartly as you heard the cocking sound from the metal. “Watch your mouth” he spits out at you before a resounding yell cuts through the tension between the two of you. “Put that gun away NOW Jungkook” Yoongi yells as he quickly descends the stairs, nearly leaping to get to the two of you. Jungkook pauses to considers his boss’s order for a second before putting his guns away, his scold still potent on his face as you both stare daggers at each other. Yoongi reaches you in a flash to stand between the two of you as he pushes Jungkook back by the shoulder. “Hyung, she could be an invader, you let a stranger into the house!” he says as he throws up his hand in a questioning stance to mock his leader. “She’s not a stranger, she’s a good friend of mine from my class” he says as he levels his gaze as his youngest. Jungkook only sighs and shrugs back before turning to leave. “You’re not off the hook for this. What he says better be the truth or I’ll have a bullet in you in seconds” he threatened as he turned left to head towards the wing that he came from.

The nights you spent at his new house (bought after he sold his parents property but copied the design with the exact same structure and hidden base) by the ocean was comforting. You first came to study for your midterms together. Half of the time was just finding ways to distract the other while the other sighed and scolded to get back to studying. It had been nearly 3 hours so you both figured a break would be fitting.

Huddling close together on the cool sand as you snuggle into him. The creamy color sand felt soft beneath your palm as the breeze from the ocean flew gently through your hair. The sulphury smell of the sea drifting into your nose as you inhale the fresh air. The beach was a place where you confided in him of your dark secrets that were hidden away. Years of secrets house within the castle of your being. The secrets entailing how you were always alone, the nightmare of having seen your parents murdered in front of you at such a young age, and of your upbringing as a daughter of a mafia gang and the history of your life. The nightmares that keep recurring, forcing you to relive it endlessly. In a way, you could say it’s PTSD. The fear gripped at your skin making you shiver every time your mind relieves it, the memory still fresh and the warm blood that painted your palm.

Of course, he already knew the majority of your history, having dug it out when his parents were murdered by yours. If he had to be honest, he had originally wanted to take out his anger and revenge on you. To carve living hell into your existence as he toys with your insignificance being. To take out his frustration of having to lose his parents to the rival gang. That all changed when he finally got to know you, from meeting you, becoming your best friend to falling in love with you. You don’t know the latter part of his secrets of course being an airhead and oblivious as a brick since you never dated anyone nor cared to. Can anyone blame you though given the trauma you went through having your loving parents murdered and losing them at such a young age? Of course not. He listened intently as you continued to mumble out your life stories. The sound of sniffle grazes through the breeze before he turns to look at you. The cold eyes that looked so human shined at you. You didn’t want to turn to look at him to show your weakened state.

There was a comfortable silence with the sound of your sniffles here and there before he broke it with his own confession. You didn’t really know much about your parents gang or their business so he filled you in. He told you the truth of that night that it was his gang who had murdered your parents. It was a constant war,

of bloodshed, lost lives, missing drugs and more. You nodded in understanding, it makes sense why two large gangs that control Seoul would have to eventually wipe the other out for a full reign. You didn’t blame him though because he was barely a young child much like yourself that night. Despite now knowing that your parents and their gang had been the one to invade his. “In a way, we’re in the same boat. Your parents are gone and so is mine. At least, we have each other” he whispered while looking down at the sand below. He turned to you as his gaze softened, hands reaching to brush your hair down from the breeze. You nodded before saying “We should go inside and really study for this final Yoongi” you as you hold back your laughter. He looks like hes tired to the bone, about to fall asleep seated here on his private beach behind his estate. “Mhm alright if you say so” he nodded as he got up and held his hand to you, pulling you to your feet.

The first time he had planned to invited you to his estate, his inner circle of consigliere had protested. They had gathered to discuss the situation, with Jungkook missing as he slept his fatigue away. They knew who you were. Namjoon especially made a good argument that you could be a double agent to spy on their base so you carry information back to your own gang. He laughed and told them off since he knew for a fact that your gang wasn’t led by you. You hardly even knew the existence of the gang your parents had run. You didn’t care to, gang wasnt your spotlight. You hated physical violence and the mere sight of having to see another body fall lifeless at your feet. The person who stepped up to take care of your gang after your parents had died were the older members of their inner circle. You were simply too young at that time. Even if you had grown older, they never seeked you out nor did you try. “Namjoon, I’ve known her for nearly 2 and a half years. I know her ins and outs, her secrets that she kept hidden for so long. Trust me, she’s not harmful to anyone”, Yoongi replied as Namjoon only scoffed and whispered “yet” under his breath.

Overtime, you have gotten to know his inner circle members. At first, they were cold to you, unrelenting in showing you any ounce of emotions they had for fear of betrayal. You didn’t mind, after all, you only really came for Yoongi since he was your best friend. The only family you’ve ever gotten closer to know aside from the butlers and maids who raised you. It took them nearly half a year as they slowly dropped their mask and took down their walls to show you the real them. You had been instant friends with all the members, especially Hoseok. The sunshine personality of his never fails to make you laugh and smile till your jaw muscle is sore. They knew every bit about you as you knew some about them.

Before you know it, 4 years of a stressful yet blissful life had finished in the blink of an eye. You graduated the top of your class and were accepted to enter into a prestigious medical school while also getting a minor degree in computer science. The boys were delighted to hear the news of your medical school acceptance as they invited you for a celebration dinner. The meal consisted of authentic korean barbecue was delicious sided with sparkling champagne.

That night, you stayed over having gotten a bit drunk and too lazy to go home. Yoongi had a spare room in the main house so he offered for you to stay there.

In the morning, you had woken up earlier than all of them to make breakfast. The kitchen smelled wonderful as you plated 8 sunny side ups, kimchi stew and rice. The boys were ecstatic to have woken up to delicious breakfast as they thanked you endlessly to which you only blushed and said a thousand of thanks in reply. It has been a while since you cooked ever since your parent’s passing. Cooking was what your mother had always loved and so you never touched it, leaving it all to the maid to care for you instead. It reminded you too much of her and the memory was simply too painful to bear again.

“Why don’t you just move in with us y/n?” Hoseok asked as he chewed the vegetable in the kimchi soup. You blushed before turning around as you replied, “Was the food that good or what?” in shock.“Good? Just good? It was amazing. I could eat this every” Jimin pipes in. You only shook your head and laughed. “I’ll consider it since the medical school is closer to your house than mine” you say before turning back to cleaning your dish. Your house was located on the other side of Seoul, an hour drive from his house to yours. A 40 minute drive with traffic from your house to the Seoul Medical University Campus.

It’s a full year before you start medical school as they forced their students to have a gap year in order to encourage students to shadow a medical professional to make sure one last time that they were sure they wanted in. This just simply means an extra year of break for yourself.

Previous | Next

[dvlwthn]

“  we’re  one  with  the  sea  .  ”

Is that NOAH CENTINEO? No, that’s just ATLAS LAVEAU. They were born on 09/05/96 and are a MERMAID living in Northknot Town. They work as a SWIM INSTRUCTOR at Good Vibrations Gym. Some say they're PROTECTIVE and INTELLIGENT, but I’ve heard others say they're EMOTIONAL and BLUNT. When you think of HIM, don’t you think of SUNSHINE AFTER RAIN, OCEANS SO BLUE YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY, LOYALTY SO STRONG IT CAN’T BE BROEKN?

A E S T H E T I C

swimming  to  the  bottom  of  the  ocean  .  peace  in  the  silence  .  the  sound  of  clicking  from  a  keyboard  .  mind  always  wondering  .  leaving  words  of  poetry  behind  everywhere  .  carrying  a  notebook  around  for  no  one  to  see  .  stopping  in  the  middle  of  something  to  write  something  down  .  unbreakable  loyalty  .  kind  smiles  ,  forgiving  nature  .

Q U O T E S

“  you  must  always  remember  this  :  have  courage  ,  and  be  kind .  you  have  more  kindness  in  your  little  finger  than  most  people  possess  in  their  whole  body  .  and  it  has  power  .  more  than  you  know  .  ”   –  brittany candau. “  i  see  myself  forever  and  ever  as  the  ridiculous  [ person ]  ,  the  lonely  soul  ,  the  wanderer  ,  the  restless  frustrated  artist  ,  the  person  in  love  [  with  love  ]  ,  always  in  search  of  the  absolute  ,  always  seeking  the  unattainable  .  ”   –  henry miller. “  i’m  with  you  in  rockland  . . .  where  we  are  great  writers  on  the  same  dreadful  typewriter  .  ”   –  allen ginsberg .

M U S I C    P L A Y E R

“   and  i  can't  sleep  .  i'm  up  at  night  ,  you're  in  my  ear  and  i'm  alright  .  i’m  trying  not  to  put  it  on  the  line  .  and  i  am  so  tired  of  losing  sleep  .  i  just  want  to  keep  you  around  .  you  make  me  feel  alright  .  you  make  me  feel  alright  .  you  make  me  feel  like  everything  is  gonna  be  just  fine  .  ”   just fine by spookyghostboy. “   je  veux  de  l'amour  ,  de  la  joie  ,  de  la  bonne  humeur  .  ce  n'est  pas  votre  argent  qui  fera  mon  bonheur  .  moi  je  veux  crever  la  main  sur  le  cœur  .  allons  ensemble  ,  découvrir  ma  liberté  .  oubliez  donc  tous  vos  clichés  bienvenue  dans  ma  réalité  .  ”   je veux by zaz. “   sometimes  there's  bullshit  that  don't  work  now  .  we  all  got  our  stories  but  please  tell  me  what  there  is  to  complain  about  .  when  you're  happy  like  a  fool  ,  let  it  take  you  over  .  when  everything  is  out  ,  you  gotta  take  it  in  .  oh  ,  this  has  gotta  be  the  good  life  .  ”   good life by onerepublic.

P E R S O N A L I T Y

+ intelligent, protective, and kind

- sometimes too optimists, blunt, and emotional

atlas has been through a lot of hurt. however, unlike most people he hasn’t let it change him. people take his kindness as a weakness but he see’s it as a strength... that he won’t let anyone change him no matter how cruel they can be. he wants to believe that people aren’t all bad, sometimes he tries a little too hard to believe that. but he isn’t naive either when it came to what he expected from other people. the man isn’t oblivious, he just likes to try to have hope. to not expect the worst from people until they give him no other choice to. sometimes, he also can’t help himself and is a little blunt. he never does it to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings... it’s just he is protective and will call someone out on something in order to protect them. also the little pretentious writer in him sometimes makes him unable to stop himself from just saying certain things as they are. 

H E A D C A N O N S

001. atlas henrik laveau never knew his father, not that he ever cared about that. the boy was a huge mama’s boy. his mother was the strongest person he knew. growing up with only his mother, and his two step sisters. . . atlas grew up seeing the strength in women and couldn’t be prouder of his family.  002. however, being the only boy, atlas did always want a little brother. and he found that in a young boy whose family lived near his. it started with him just being asked to watch the young boy (eric) but eventually turned into him adoring the kid like his little brother. his family and friends all know how atlas saw the young boy and welcomed him themselves as well. 003. atlas prided himself on learning as much as he could on anything and everything. about his world under the sea and the world above. human, vampires, werewolves, witches, etc. he wanted to be ready for when he moved to the land above, it was always part of his plan. plus, he wanted to help his hybrid best friend as much as he could. 004. when he was younger, atlas’ favourite thing had always been writing and telling stories. he was always a creative person and enjoyed sharing all of his ideas. due to this, atlas was known for always thinking outside the box. 005. he ended up going through a hard time when eric was killed. it had been a day that he was asked to go watch the young boy, but he couldn’t do it. so eric’s parents moved their day around and stayed with him. atlas had finished his day early was was going to go surprise the boy and maybe offer to help out so the parents could do whatever else they could. however, when he arrived, he found the entire family had been murdered. atlas took it really hard and blamed himself. he even stopped talking for a couple of months. he spoke to NO ONE and the only person who could get some type of reaction out of him had been his best friend. 006. at the right age, atlas wasted no time in getting his ring so he could travel above land. he didn’t make the move just yet, cause he wasn’t fully ready to leave his family. but mars and him traded off on who was visiting who. he loved the land and wishes his family felt the same, but they loved the ocean too much. so he stayed for awhile longer before eventually making the move all together. though he does visit his family still. family is everything to the man. 007. he’s currently working at the gym as a swim  instructor, but he only does that while working on his book. everything is looking well for him, he already has publishers who want to work with him. he just needs to make a choice and small changes to his book that he feels he didn’t write correctly. he’s very excited about what’s to come.

C O N N E C T I O N S

BEST FRIEND. these two grew up together and have always been close. they’ve always seen each other as family and don’t keep secrets from one another. atlas knows he can tell mars anything and never be judged, just like she can do with him.   [ TAKEN ; marcelline ]

CLOSE FRIENDS. these would be the people he goes to that isn’t mars. probably someone who is a little more like him. at least in the sense where they are more kind and forgiving compared to most of the people in town. they could meet when atlas got to town and kind of just hit it off. or just sometime since he’s been around and just grew close kinda quickly. i just want him to have a couple of people he’s really close with.   [ 1/2 (could be down for three) ; tabitha ]

CO-WORKER. ever hear of a work wife/husband? that’s what this person is to atlas. they are very close and are always there to help each other. their other co-workers tease them about acting like a married couple at work, but it really is just a platonic friendship.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

EX GIRLFRIEND. i would really love one of those obvious jealous exes who broke up with their boyfriend due to him being so close to their best (girl) friend. so this person, whom atlas loved so much, really didn’t like how close atlas was to mars and grew tired of people making assumptions about him and mars. it eventually got to the point of them telling atlas to pick between them and his best friend. they didn’t realise how much atlas actually LOVED them. now, however, atlas can’t see them the same and they act very bitter toward each other.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

CRUSH. someone atlas has a bit of a crush on. they don’t need to return the feelings. this is just someone he really admires but never acts on his feelings because he doesn’t want to ruin their friend ship. *bonus points though if they do return his feelings and they are thinking the same way he is. that they are worried about ruining the friendship too.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

EX BOYFRIEND. they were friends first and things kind of just happened. it was one of those relationships that just made sense. however, after a few months, this person decided they just wanted to be friends. while it hurt atlas, he understood and agreed. yet since then, the two are just awkward around each other. atlas still has a soft spot for this person and wishes they could actually be friends again.   [ OPEN ; xx ] 

DISLIKE. atlas tried to get along with everyone, he really does. but this person just DOESN’T like him and atlas isn’t too upset about it. they rub him the wrong way anyways. or maybe it’s vice versa. . . atlas can’t stand them? they rub him the wrong way and he just CAN’T see past it.   [ OPEN ; xx ]

[coffeefairy]

Writer’s Month August 2020 - Day 4

Day four of the challenge, no one is more surprised than I am!

Day 4, Long distance relationship

Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager

Ship: Harry Kim/Tom Paris

Rating: Teen and up

Summary: Tom and Harry get put in opposite shifts and find out that three decks sometimes can feel as far as seventy-five thousand lightyears. Set sometime during season 2.

Excerpt: The next thing he’d known was the ensign at the transporter conn clearing her throat. Pulling away he’d found himself and Tom in the same position they’d been in, huddled together, kissing desperately but instead of being surrounded by the disintegrating shuttle, they were sitting on the transporter pad.

The Captain had looked harried, hair not as neat as normal, but she had relaxed and even afforded them an amused eyebrow raise.

“I’d say as you were, gentlemen, but I think we’d all be happy to get out of this nebula.”

Tags: Love confession, established relationship, long distance (sorta, not geographically), terrible title that may change

Scheduling Conflicts

“Hey, Harry.” 

Harry’s combadge beeped for a private channel and Tom’s voice spoke at a murmur, only loud enough for him to hear.

Everyone was allowed to use private channel communication on the Bridge, but not loud enough to disturb others. As he was at his Ops conn, it wouldn’t bother anyone so he muttered,

“Hey,” in reply.

“Do you want pizza or steak for dinner? I can’t make up my mind.”

“I don’t trust you to replicate steak so I’m voting pizza.”

“Hey, not fair. Didn’t I replicate a great dinner last time?”

“It was tomato soup. Plain tomato soup.”

“Well, excuse me, Mr Cordon Bleu,” Tom chuckled over the line. “Me and my insulted pride will go and make the pizza now.”

“I’ll see you after gamma shift ends. I’ll cheer you and your insulted pride up.”

“Oh, yeah?” Tom’s voice dropped to a purr. “Will you come back and-”

“Bye,” Harry interrupted and ended the call. However amusing his boyfriend would find it, he wouldn’t want to spend the rest of his shift turned on by whatever suggestion Tom had been about to make. 

Smiling at the prospect of heading to Tom’s quarters after his shift, he started another scan of the area. 

They’d only been together a few months, everything still sparkling and wondrous. The change from friendship to romantically involved had been easier than Harry had anticipated. They were still great friends, but now he was allowed to act on the impulse when he wanted to reach out for Tom, run his hand through his hair, kiss him. All the things that had been driving him crazy before, the wish to get closer always ringing in his head, had quietened now that he knew he could follow its lead. 

It had taken almost dying of exposure in a disintegrating shuttle but the feelings it turned out both of them had held back had risen to the surface, the thought of dying with Tom never knowing how loved he was impossible for Harry to even contemplate. The moment, stark in his memory flashed in his mind. The blood on Tom’s face, so bright in the otherwise monochrome world, his eyes shining with fear, regret, and somehow through it all, determination and hope. His surprise, then wonder and awe as Harry tried to get the last oxygen to last for the words he had to say. In the cold impending vacuum he hadn’t heard the first time Tom said he loved him too, but he’d seen his lips form the words. Their lips had met an instant later, Harry prepared for it to be the last thing he ever knew.

The next thing he’d known was the ensign at the transporter conn clearing her throat. Pulling away he’d found himself and Tom in the same position they’d been in, huddled together, kissing desperately but instead of being surrounded by the disintegrating shuttle, they were sitting on the transporter pad. The Captain had looked harried, hair not as neat as normal, but she had relaxed and even afforded them an amused eyebrow raise. 

“I’d say as you were, gentlemen, but I think we’d all be happy to get out of this nebula.”

It had made their relationship public from the moment it had started but any fear Harry may have felt at this prospect had faded quickly. Thomas Eugene Paris, it turned out, was an excellent boyfriend. Attentive, focused, loving, with the edge of fun and the unexpected he had always represented in Harry’s life. 

A light flashing on his conn caught his attention.

“Captain, I’m reading a tachyon disturbance seventy-five lightyears away and it’s-”

The impact was sudden, shuddering through the hull. The Captain, eyes steely and voice cool ordered red alert. Harry bid farewell to the pizza with Tom.

o.O.o

Sometimes three decks could feel as far as seventy-five thousand lightyears. Janeway was trying out new shift configurations in an attempt to iron out the last vestiges of the two crews of Voyager feeling like two. Always championing her “one ship, one crew” policy, she was moving everyone around from their usual rotations to promote “increased understanding”. While Tom approved of the idea in theory, he wasn’t happy he and Harry had ended up on opposite shifts. The little time he managed to see his boyfriend he was either falling asleep or getting up. The fact that he often found him in bed surely had its advantages but he missed just being with him. Hell, he even missed working with him. Hearing that deep voice in its professional mode, coolly assessing and analyzing, stating facts and numbers with the ease of a more experienced officer. You had to have got it bad when you found someone’s work voice sexy. 

Still, Tom would take any abuse his younger (stupider) self would heap on him for acting like a lovelorn fourteen-year-old if he could see him now. That Tom had never known what was good for him anyway. Older (wiser) Tom did and he knew beyond a doubt he’d never do better than Harry Kim. 

It had been surprising to find himself falling so quickly for someone he’d just met, he’d assumed himself too old and cynical for it. But it hadn’t taken Harry more than a few hours to disabuse him of that notion. Harry believed the best of people, and not because he was naive, but because he wanted to. He was handsome, funny and smarter than anyone gave him credit for. So was it any wonder?

Smiling to himself, Tom adjusted the course minutely. He didn’t have to, they’d earn three minutes on their journey time of seventy-five years but it pleased him to fly to the best of his ability. He figured the difference between a pilot who flew and one who cruised on the straight stretches was in the details. 

On his conn, the private messaging function beeped. Opening the side panel he saw Harry reminding him they’d agreed to meet in Sandrine’s at eight. Tom knew Harry was going to stay awake for about an hour before his early start would catch up to him. Still, it was an hour he’d get to see him, conscious and talking. Tapping the message to acknowledge the receipt, he heard the Security officer at the conn Tom thought of as Tuvok’s, inform Janeway of some unusual readings. Posed to change course at her order, he waited for it. The Captain didn’t miss opportunities to explore unknown phenomena. Then his conn flashed, crackled and died. An instant later it began spouting numbers and figures at him that made no sense. Behind him he heard from the others all conns on the Bridge had experienced the same malfunction. Grimly, he looked up to the viewscreen to do his best to fly blind with only the unknown stars to guide him.

There was no way he’d ever make it to Sandrine’s by eight.

o.O.o

After three weeks, Tom and Harry asked for a private word with the Captain. It was easily granted and they explained that while they weren’t asking for special treatment, the new schedule was preventing them from seeing each other, in effect putting them in a long distance relationship on a vessel smaller than what could be classified a village. Janeway had narrowed her eyes, explained no one could be seen getting preferential hours. They had both volunteered for the unpopular night cycle shift.

“No, no need. I actually would like to return to some of the old configurations. And,” she consulted her PADD, “you’re both back to Bridge duty as of next week, on the alpha shift. That said,” she interrupted their congratulatory glance. “As Bridge officers we...we have a duty to the rest of the ship. We can never let our personal lives get in the way of our work. When we work, we’re present. I can’t allow any...change in circumstances, or outside influence affect your work, and if I see that it is, then this shift rotation may well change.”

“Yes, Captain,” the chorused. 

“Very well, dismissed.”

At the door she stopped them with a raised hand. “Tom...Harry, I...As your Captain I’ve told you the rules for fraternization, as Starfleet insists on calling it. But I want you to know that…” she looked out towards the windows to the right, to the stars sweeping by, discovered for the first time by human eyes, to be left behind the next moment. “That I am very happy for you. Where we are, what we are living through, it’s...it’s good to have someone to share it with. Someone who is going through the same.”

With the Captain’s well wishes they left her to stare at her PADDs, chewing at her bottom lip, a far-seeing look in her eye. One or two of their colleagues afforded them a curious glance as they passed through the Bridge after exiting the Captain’s Ready Room. Most focused on the task they had at hand.

In the elevator Tom’s hand found Harry’s. 

“So, now that we have the Captain’s blessing and everything...how about that pizza?”

[gaamagirl565]

Matters of the heart Ep 6

Matters of the heart Episode 6 Spook spectacular {OPENING CREDITS} {Cut to morning in Old Corona; Varian is hitching the horse up to the wagon; Ruddiger paws at the horse and it snorts at him startling him and making him retreat to behind Varian’s neck} Varian: *laughs* I told you, Ruddiger! Chessie isn’t fond of other animals! *he pats the horse* Ruddiger: *chitters angrily* Varian: let’s see… I got gout gel, feverfew essence, apple salve, lavender calming elixir...yeah I think that’s it! Ruddiger: *chitters happily* Varian: Isaiah?... Isaiah come on son! I have to deliver this stuff to the main city. {Isaiah walks out with a giant knitted covering over his head making Varian drop his clip board} Varian: umm...Isaiah..Wha...What are you wearing? *snerks* Isaiah: it’s a babushka...It’s called fashion Dad! Read about it! Varian: *laughs* Isaiah why are you wearing that? Isaiah: I have my reasons! {he goes to get in the wagon but Varian stops him} Varian: is this about your scar? {Isaiah visibly flinches} Varian: oh buddy, I know you’re scared but- Isaiah: I’m not scared! Varian: O-okay! Okay!... Isaiah, I swear it’s going to be okay...don’t let people’s opinions dictate what you think of yourself...I don’t… I believe in you buddy… Isaiah hesitates: he reaches up and takes off the babushka revealing a large scar on the left side of his face; he looks up at Varian and smiles} Varian: That’s my boy... {Varian lifts him up onto the tailboard of the wagon; he walks around to the front and gets on the driver’s seat; looking back at Isaiah he smiles and flicks the reins} {cut to the Main city of Corona; Rapunzel(holding baby Flynn}, Eugene, and Lily walk down the main road} Lily: um...dad? Eugene: yeah princess? Lily: is there a reason we’re all going out into town or is mom being in one of her crazy happy moods again? Rapunzel: Hey! Eugene: *chuckles* ok firstly, your mother is always crazy happy like that. Rapunzel: um I’m right here! Eugene: and secondly, We have very special visitors coming today? Lily: not more diplomats! Rapunzel: no not more diplomats...Your uncle Lance and Aunt Adira… Lily: Really!? I haven’t seen uncle Lance for so long! Eugene: well this time they’re staying for a while! Lily: oh my gosh! Really!? Why!? Rapunzel: Your auntie recently had a baby boy. They’re considering moving here for safety. Lily: aw why couldn’t it have been a girl!? {Lance comes in off screen}

Lance: hey come now! Boys aren’t that bad… {Lilly turns around and squeals before running over and jumping into Lance’s arms} Lily: Uncle Lance!!! Auntie Adira!! Lance: Hey there kiddo! Give your uncle Lance some love! {He hugs her tightly; Rapunzel and Eugene walk over and hug them as well} Eugene: Good to see you, man… Lance: you got old! Haha! Eugene: look who’s talking! Rapunzel:: Hi Adira! Ohhh! Is that your baby!? He’s beautiful! Adira: thank you, your majesty. {Adira looks around worriedly} Adira: Earrings, she’s gone again... Lance: huh? Oh for the love of...Akina!! {A girl a bit younger than Lily pops out from behind a stall; she has dark olive skin, brown almond-shaped eyes; and black hair pulled back into a short poofy ponytail} Adira: come small one. There is no danger here… {She walks over and hides behind Adira} Rapunzel: Hello Akina!...I’m Queen Rapunzel but you can call me Aunt Punzie...okay? Hmm...oh! This is your cousin! Lily! You met when you both were little!..say hello Lily. Lily: Hi! {Akina hides herself behind Adira} Lily: I promise I’m not mean! Come out! Adira:...go on small one...give your greetings… {She slowly comes out} Akina:...h-hello… {Lily squeals and hugs her making her scream and run behind Adira again} Lily:...too soon? {lance looks over to one of the stalls and gasps; he proceeds to rush over} Lance: oh no no no no! Look at this tall lanky man! {He laughs and picks up Varian and spins him around before crushing him in a bear hug} Varian: augh! Oof! L-Lance!? Lance: how ya been little man!? Haha! Varian: i’ve been..ack..great! Isaiah: dad? Who is…? Lance: hmm? Oh, no...now way this is that little small fry from before! Varian: yup that’s my boy. {Lance picks Isaiah up and lifts him up high} Lance: C’mere little guy! Let me get a good look at ya! {Isaiah stares at him Confused and slightly afraid} Lance:.......what happened to his face? Isaiah:......put me down… {Lance gingerly sets him down} Adira: Last time I saw this one he was quite young...hmmm...what to call you… Isaiah: huh? Eugene: Adira tends to give nicknames… Isaiah: if she calls me “scarface” we’re going to have problems… Eugene: *snerks* Rapunzel: hmm..Oh! I have an idea! Why don’t Lily and Isaiah go play with Akina! Varian: sounds good to me! Lance: adira...hmm? Adira: I...Suppose small one could use the interaction… Lily: Yay! Come on Akina this will be so much fun!! Eugene: just so long as they don’t go looking for the “ghost of the dungeon” {all three looks up} Isaiah: What? Varian: an old legend a man named Xavier told me...they say a prisoner went mad in the dungeon and scratched the days into his cell wall...when he died he proclaimed that anyone whom sought out his spirit and gave him an offering of food, water, or clothing would have a wish granted for them. All 3: wowww…. Rapunzel: but it’s just a legend and that’s all it’ll ever be! That part of the dungeon has some very real dangers! I forbid any of you to go there! Lily: aww mom….finnneee...come on guys… {all three leave} Rapunzel: Really? Eugene? Eugene: Relax Sunshine! That part of the dungeon has been condemned for years! The kids aren’t that gullible. Especially our lily! She’s got my mind remember? Rapunzel: that’s what I’m afraid of… {Varian sees Zapada pass by} Varian: uh...you guys...I’ll ummm...see you later...welcome back Lance… {He walks off} Lance: speaking of minds...haha what’s on his? {cut to the kids walking into the castle} Lily: okay...so...lets go ghost hunting! Isaiah: wait what? Akina: A-Aunt Punzie said no! Y-your highness… Lily: just Lily is fine Akina…I know the way down to the dungeon and everything! There’s this passageway that takes you to all the parts of the castle! Isaiah: she’s right Lily! And I’m in enough trouble as it is! Lily: we won’t get in trouble! Think of it as an adventure that ends in- {She runs into a door} Lily:....Glory…. {Isaiah face palms; cut to the Cult HQ and Cassandra is sparring with some members} Noremoth: m’lady she is close to mastering her capabilities. Cult leader: indeed she is...she was a good choice… {Cassandra  blocks an attack and throws her opponent against a wall} Noremoth: m’lady if I may speak freely? Cult leader: please Noremoth...call me Larkspur… {Noremoth blushes slightly} Noremoth: o-oh alright...Larkspur...I have worries that we should merely retrieve the moonstone sliver ourselves… Larkspur: hmm? Why would this be? Noremoth: although she is a strong vessel Zhan tiri’s power can only control her actions for so long. And Corona is of personal value to her. Her mental state out of trance is delicate and if people who once knew her become wiser to her act...plus what if turns against us and asks for help. Larkspur: *giggles* Noremoth...sweet little Noremoth Noremoth: ehh? Larkspur: you worry too much...her close relations are precisely the thing we need to obtain access to Corona...they’ll be so naively trusting of her...and as for her spilling the truth….the lastest infusion took care of that...if the power within her senses her attempting anything of the sort it will pilot her subconscious from there….and she doesn’t want that… {Cassandra yells as she releases a shock of pink and green lightning electrocuting her sparring opponents; she gasps and covers her mouth in horror at what she has done} Larkspur: *watches her cry* hmmm..Perhaps you’re right...I’ll send you and a few others to watch over our vessel from a safe distance. Do not let yourself be seen… Noremoth: yes m-...Larkspur… {cut to the kids walking a dusty, dark, corridor with Lily holding a map; Lily stops walking, Isaiah and Akina run into her making her step on a trap} Isaiah: GET DOWN! {Isaiah jumps on them and forces them to the ground as arrows fly over them} Isaiah: Lily we should go back Akina: Scarface is right. Isaiah: I said we’d have problems if I was called that Akina: sorry… Lily: We can’t go back now! We’re so close! It should be right around the corner here! Akina: but it’s so dark!...i’m...I’m frightened… Lily: Hey Isaiah? Do you have anything that glows? Isaiah: wait what the f-why would I have something that glows? Lily: seriously? Mr.Varian is always carrying some sort of science like thing, shouldn’t you!? Isaiah: Lily in case you haven’t noticed I kinda...lost any and all alchemical privileges so… Lily: Oh?...ohhhh… Isaiah: yeah...sorry… Akina: um...Lily? Lily: I think we found it… Akina: yeah...was gonna say… {infront of them is an old stone door with two lit torches by it} Isaiah:..ladies first? {both girls look at him} Isaiah: ...no?...fine… {he opens the door and it turned out to be a secret passage to the condemned part of the dungeons} Lily: well? Isaiah: oh yeah...we found it… {They all walk in and look around at the crumbling medieval dungeon; Isaiah looks in one cell and gasps; on the wall are thousands of scribbles counting the days} Isaiah: guys...this is it… Lily: mother of the sun… Akina: wow.. Lily: so an offering of food, water, or clothing...I have a muffin from the royal kitchen… Isaiah: I have my goatskin I filled with water… {both look at Akina; Akina looks at them and hesitantly takes out her hair tie} Isaiah: food, water, and clothing...ok… {They lay out the objects on the ground} Lily: don’t speak your wish...or it won’t come true!...think it only! {They close their eyes; Lily wishes to be a good leader; Isaiah wishes for his family to be happy and whole again; Akina wishes for friendship; as they make their wishes the ground beneath Akina begins to give way} Akina: {Screams in terror} Isaiah: AKINA! {Isaiah grabs onto her arm and starts sliding} Isaiah: LILY HELP! {Lily grabs onto Isaiah} Lily: nghh...A-Akina… reach up with your other hand...and we’ll pull you up… Akina: I-i’m frightened!...I can’t! Lily: Yes you can! Look at me, Akina! {Akina looks} Lily: We won’t let you fall… Isaiah: We promise! {Akina nods and reaches up; Isaiah grabs her other hand; He and Lily pull her up} Akina: *sobs once safe and hugs them* Lily: see? You can trust us. Akina: hehe...is everyone this friendly here? Isaiah welcome to Corona… {they laugh; cut to the castle living room; the fire is glowing and the gang is back together laughing; all three kids walk in filthy and with tattered clothes} Varian: Isaiah what the-!? Lance: AHH! My baby!? What did you do!? Akina: Mama! Papa! {Akina runs over and hugs them} Adira: Small one y-you’re wearing your hair down! Akina: It was so much fun! We explored and dodged arrows and Mama I made friends! Real friends! {all eyes glare at Lily and Isaiah} Eugene: Young lady… Varian: Isaiah… Both: we know...Grounded… {END CREDITS}

[chelsmcd]

10 Years... 10 freakin years...

The end of a decade has come... Where does time go? How does it seemingly go by so quickly?  

How many of us can clearly remember 2010? Or, more accurately, the end of 2009 and getting ready to ring in the new year?  I can tell you, my life now, is definitely not where I thought it would be at this time 10 years ago.  To be honest, it took some serious thought to try and figure out all the things that have happened in the last 10 years, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t look to Facebook for some help (thank you young Chelsea... for documenting almost EVERYTHING you did).

10 years ago... I was living in Pickering at my mom’s place, I think this was for “financial” reasons, but also, it was just easier.  I had only lived away for 4ish years, but was back under her roof, her rules (luckily I had very few rules... I still like to brag I was never given a curfew as a kid, there were only a couple of “Chelsea... this is too late to be coming home” run ins).  

10 years ago... I had no worries, no responsibilities, nothing tying me to anyone or anywhere.  I was, for all intents and purposes... very free, and a very free spirit.

9 years ago, I was working for a Trampoline company.  Insert all the bad dad jokes here: it was really up and down, we had bad days but we’d always rebound, yadda yadda yada.  I was also running my side hustle of working with a race car team (scroll through some old posts on here to find the videos I used to make... man... we had some good times! Some great friends have been made).

9 years ago, I was getting by, living life, earning a salary, hanging with friends and just doing whatever I wanted.  Life wasn’t challenging, but it also wasn’t overly fulfilling. I’m 3 years out of University, I’m doing OK, having fun.  But I wasn’t... genuinely happy.  Not with what I was doing anyway. I was young, I was, perhaps naive to what the world ahead of me held, but hey, these are my glory years... what does it matter anyway?  My biggest issue was paying my car insurance and having the right outfit for my next night out. 

8 years ago, I feel like I finally started my life.  Like I started, as an adult, and started making decisions based on what was right for me, and not necessarily cool and fun right now.  8 years ago, in 2011, I took a chance on me (at the encouragement of one unwaveringly supportive mom) - I moved to Cornwall to start in the radio world.  The fear in that move was rivaled by the excitement of what could be.  It wasn’t my first time living away (although this was the furthest), it wasn’t the first time being responsible for paying rent (and thankfully, this was the cheapest), it wasn’t the first time for a lot of things - but it was the first time I felt like I was finally choosing me and my path over what was convenient.  It turned out to be where my life, and I’d say my career path really began.  This was the first dive into media - where I would get a chance to be ‘on air’ - those words still hold weight for me.  Being... ON... AIR.  Someone saw something in me, and while it was maybe 3 times per hour over 3 hours x 2 days a week... it was SOMETHING!  

While I didn’t know it... that decision 8 years ago, led to some major moves 7 years ago.  When I moved again, to a place that would steal my heart.

7 years ago, I moved to Kingston and started co-hosting the morning show there. Whoda thunk I’d be a morning show host? Buzz and I had an amazing couple of years together. While we were in very different spots in our career paths, I felt like any road bump I hit, he was there to offer support, guidance, and in some instances ride on through with me.  Buzz - I don’t know if you’ll read this, but thank you, thank you for being an ally, a friend, a mentor and all around great human.  I know this decade has had its ups and definitely its hardest moments no one would ever wish upon someone.  We don’t keep in touch as much as I thought we would, but I have so much respect for you and how you’ve handled the past few years specifically.  Your strength is inspiring.

6 years ago I started in sports “officially”.  Who knew how much this would impact my future? Who knew that would bring my back to Toronto (but that’s  a story for another year)?  As an in-arena host for a Junior Hockey Team... life was fun! I was on air doing the morning show during the week, napping, and hosting hockey games on the weekends.  Wahoo.  2013 - you were a good year.  You were also the year, and I’m sure anyone reading this that has been around for a while will remember, the #BTheFace contest?   2013 was the year I was one of 4 winners of the Mercedes.  The year we held an awesome party in a dealership in Vaughn where the roof literally caught fire, where I got to go behind the Scenes at Cats, where I got to check out Fashion Week and interview Jeanne Beker.. so many fun memories in 2013.  Maybe the best year of the decade?  May. Be.

5 years ago, I left morning radio, and took a risk on a start up gig, but now... on air ON CAMERA!! People would get to SEE ME!?! I’ve always kind of owned I love the spotlight... and this was no different.  This was a great year, from rapelling off buildings, to driving a poker boat, to joining the police at the shooting range (apparently I’m not too bad with a shotgun FYI), to baking cookies in a fire training facility - I experienced SO many fun things.  And let’s not forget skydiving?!  While I have some wonderful friends who I just hit it off with when I arrived in Kingston (ahem.. looking at you Andi), I think this was the year I also made some valuable friendships that have transcended some time.  Keenan... Andrew - you two are gems.  Absolute gems, and I’m so thankful we still keep in touch.  Heck, Keenan, I think for you, Skydiving changed your life path!!  Andrew - you got a mover out of it years later!  Guys - I am so grateful for your friendship and the memories we’ve had along the way.  Keen, I won’t go into any of the jokes or the memories.... because there truly are WAY to many (but.. like... jam jams).

4 years ago was a big one  - it’s when I admitted I no longer needed the spotlight and accepted the biggest change in the career, leaving media and stepping fulltime into sports.  I know some of my friends from elementary/high school still look at me and think “What are YOU doing in sports?”  - this is not me.  I was not athletic, I was not into sports, but hey... my passion for entertainment (as I later learned) is what brings me fulfillment each and every day. Also... ummm bought a house.  So there’s that (hello highwaisted, stretchy big girl pants).

3 years ago was probably my toughest year of the decade.  Both personally and professionally a lot of challenges, a lot of lessons learned and a year I believe I was happy to close the books on.  While I look back now and can find the silver lining of the person it helped shaped me to be, it was a tough year to live through, and it was a year that forced me to make some decisions and start making some changes so that...

2 years ago... I came back to Toronto.  To start full time in Football.  FOOTBALL!? Now, my dear grandma and great uncle were always Argos & Pinball fans, but for me, it wasn’t something I was passionate about.  Entertainment was the passion, and with a background in sales and game entertainment - I snagged a really neat role with the CFL.  A role that allowed me to travel across the country, a role that expanded my knowledge of sports, a role that helped me feel more fulfilled, more satisfied and see my own opportunity for growth.

While 2018 and 2019 have been busy with a few more nights spent in hotels, a few more pounds on the ol’ bod, a few new friends, a few new hobbies and a heck of a lot of growth, I’m looking forward to the new year.

As I flip the calendar - There are a few things I’m living this year, maybe this decade by... they include lessons I’ve learned on my own, some are advice from others - but all are, in my opinion, worth a moment of reflection.

1. Stay Humble, Hustle Hard : I always have a side hustle it seems.  This past summer I was working in Basketball to expand my skill set.  I don’t know that I will ever need to call upon it, but it’s another sport, another role, another area for growth.  It’s also opportunity for networking, building that professional base.  Not all hustling will be for financial reasons.  Sometimes - the hustle is going to be hard, challenging and require sacrifices... but sometimes, those big sacrifices have the biggest payoff (and sometimes, let’s just be honest, they don’t... but that’s OK too).

2. You have 2 ears and 1 mouth, use them in proportion : I’m a loud mouth, I talk a lot, we all know this, it is not a surprise.  A big lesson the past couple of years was to learn to sit down and listen.  I don’t need to be the first to speak, in fact, sometimes, just listening means you get to learn so much more.You get to hear everyone’s opinions, positions, points of view - and that may lend itself to inform your own position.  Nothing is wrong with not having all the answers right away.  For anyone a little younger, starting out in their career - I urge you to take this one to heart.  Do not confuse this with me suggesting you should not speak up in meetings - but I encourage you to listen a little longer before you do.

3. You’ll never regret the things you do, as much as the things you don’t : in other words, be glad you did something, don’t wish you had done it.  You can not go back and gain an experience once it’s gone.  This is the year for all the 20-20 vision jokes - but we all have 20/20 hindsight.. we all have those moments we wished we had seized, those moments we look back and say “ugh... if only...” I had said yes, I had more time, I knew then what I know now.  Carpe that diem.  Don’t let the world, your moments, your life pass you by. 

4. Settle for nothing less than you are worth : You get to choose what you bring into your life.  You choose your job (I assume you applied for it didn’t you?), you choose where you live, you choose who you are friends with.  YOU.  You are in control of what you bring into your life, how you are treated and how you treat others.  In the professional realm, the company will look out for their bottom line, you need to look out for yours. Be your own advocate. In the personal world, this could be a boyfriend/girlfriend, this could be friends, this could be where you spend your spare time, but you deserve nothing less than what you want to work for.  Don’t be a victim of your life.  Be the champion of it. 

Wake up. Choose to live your most fulfilling life, your most challenging life, your most rewarding life. Choose yourself. But remember - these are your choices, your responsibility to own, your effort to put forth. No one is lucky in life.  There are just those who work, and those who work harder.  I try to choose to be the latter.  It’s led to some great opportunities in life so far, and I hope for many more.

Happy New Year friends.  Cheers to 2020, cheers to a new decade - and cheers to the best self, we each get to choose.

[gaycrouton]

Gym Defense

[While doing required fitness tests at the gym, a man pulls some dirty tricks while sparring with Scully, and Mulder is not having it. MSR]

Sometimes Mulder worried Scully’s association to him prevented her from being able to make more friendships within the bureau. He wondered if, before being assigned to the X-Files, she was the type to go out for drinks with friends after work, hang around the office with people she enjoyed, laugh when jokes were made about the spooky guy in the basement.

Call him selfish, but getting all her attention for this past year of partnership had been more than he could ever ask for. He couldn’t really remember the last time he’d been so openly comfortable around another person, let alone someone so incredible. Now he wasn’t just excited to come into work to investigate, but more often than not, his excitement stemmed from the fact he was able to see her. The guilt couldn’t help but gnaw at him, though, when he realized while she finally gave him the human interaction he so craved, he was probably keeping her away from all the potential interactions she wanted.

It was times like this that solidified that was probably not the case.

This was the first time he and Scully had to do the FBI fitness test since becoming partners. It was mostly just done to make sure field agents could chase and apprehend a target. They’d already finished the independent race with perfect times, now they just had to stand in line and spar. It didn’t matter who was the winner or loser, you just had to prove that you knew what to do.

These were the only times he was immersed in an environment with other agents and, to be honest, he hated it. He knew what his reputation was, and he could feel everyone staring at him. He felt like he was Sasquatch, just wandering into the public unannounced. No one dared to approach, just walked passed and gawked, sometimes making passing comments to those around them  under their breaths. Because of this, he expected Scully to stay away and do her own thing, but instead she stood next to him in the corner and, much to his surprise, shared his grief.

Apparently Scully’s desire to socialize was even less than his own. “I don’t see why this is necessary. Doesn’t our record alone and the fact that we are apprehending suspects on a daily basis prove, you know, that we can apprehend suspects?” she sighed, pulling on her hair with both hands to tighten her ponytail.

“I’m surprised you’re not socializing more. I thought you knew some of these people before the X-Files?” he asked, hoping she didn’t take his comment as an implication that he didn’t want her near. He was just genuinely curious why she wouldn’t take the opportunity to get a reprieve from him.

She rolled her eyes and waved her hand in front of her face as if dispelling the crazy notion from the air. “They’re not worth my time.” He smiled at the implication being that he was. “I’m not the mingling type.” For a second he entertained the idea that she was just saying that because she felt bad no one except her would talk to him, but he waved it away like she had. If there was one thing he’d learned about Scully in their short time together, it was that she never did or said anything just to placate him.

His attention was drawn to her when she threw her head back to drink the last of her water bottle. Mulder’d honestly been trying to avoid looking at her too much in fear she would catch his gaze wandering. She was wearing tight nylon runners leggings and a tight tank top to match. Most of the women here were wearing far more revealing athletic attire, but Scully was just radiant. Even as her hair fell from her short ponytail and she was sweaty and flushed from exertion.

“Is my hair falling out or something?” She asked. Caught.

However, before he had a chance to answer, the instructor reigned them all in and split them up into pairs based on physique. He was paired with a tall nerdy guy from the Financial Unit, why he needed to be here Mulder did not know, and Scully was with a short woman who was talking her ear off. Scully looked over at him and gave him a pained smile and he immediately missed their time by themselves in the corner. While he thought the rumors they were married were condescending and tired, he couldn’t help but feel out of his element without her by his side.

They stood in their respective lines and waited their turns. Scully’s line was moving substantially faster than his. The men liked to milk the opportunity to exert their physical dominance, he supposed. A chance for them to showcase their masculinity as if it was a pheromone to the women. He rolled his eyes at the thought and was glad his partner from Finances didn’t look the type.

Scully ended up getting to a mat before he did, and he was glad he had the opportunity to watch. Not that he hadn’t seen her take someone down before, but it was just fascinating to watch. She and the other woman stood on the mat face to face, shook hands, and waited for the count down. Her partner naively tried to strike her immediately, allowing Scully to gracefully duck under her arm and slide around her side, pinning the woman’s arm behind her back before she even had a chance to see what was happening.

With ease, Scully grabbed her other arm in the crook of her elbow and swiped her feet out from under her, preventing her from being able to kick. The instructor began counting down from ten and the match was over within a mere moment. Scully let the woman go as soon as the whistle blew and she stretched out her hand to offer assistance. She smiled politely at the woman and Mulder could see a blush spread across her cheeks when everyone around her started applauding the quick take down. That was another one of his favorite things; seeing others appreciate Scully as much as he did.

A loud thud drew his attention back to the mat in front of him where there was a beefy homicide agent throwing around a younger guy. He was being unnecessarily rough and even the ref seemed put off, though he didn’t say anything. All the guys around cheered as he violently kicked the young man in the leg and hit his back before pinning him in a headlock. Mulder silently thanked the fact he didn’t have to fight a ‘roided out’ guy like him and let his attention wander around the room until it was his turn.

He was last in his line and, from how quickly the matches on the other mat went, he was likely going to be the last match. Most of the women filed out and left after their match was over, but he saw Scully sticking around against the wall, eyes flicking around the activity of the room before inevitably returning to him. He waved at her gently and smiled when she playfully returned it.

He was curious why she was staying. Was she here because she needed to talk to him after, or was she here because she wanted to watch him on the mat. He was embarrassed with himself for how much he hoped it was the latter. It struck him that this oddly reminded him of high school, when he’d be playing basketball and he’d try to slam dunks to impress the cute cheerleaders on the side.

He had to remind himself that this was Scully, his partner, and trying to impress her with displays of masculine agility and strength was probably not the best thing to do. Though, he knew he was going to try it anyway. She started smiling and he became embarrassed when he realized he’d been staring at her, but then she started pointing to his left.

“Sp-Mulder, are you coming?”

Mulder started and realized his partner was waiting for him on the mat. “Sorry,” he apologized, stepping up.

“Too busy checking out his little wifey,” the beefy homicide agent teased, making the surrounding group of men laugh.

He didn’t reward the comment with a response and just got into fighting stance. “Three, two, one!” the instructor called out before blowing the whistle. The finance guy went low and tried to pick Mulder up, presumably trying to replicate something he saw on WWE. Mulder rebuffed him by dropping low and using one of his legs to sweep the other guy off his feet.

As he did this, he saw the homicide agent was talking to Scully, leaning one palm against the wall as he invaded her personal space. Scully didn’t seem to be paying him any attention though as her eyes were still focused on Mulder’s match.

His attention probably should have been focused on his match too, because his opponent took his moment of weakness to pounce on him and knock him off balance. Mulder fell from the impact, but quickly regained his footing, grabbing the man’s wrists in one hand and pinning him down to the mat with his leg trapping the man underneath him. He was making sure to do it in a way that exuded pressure and not force while keeping a good distance between their bodies.

He struggled for a moment before giving up as the instructor counted down. As soon as it was over, Mulder helped the guy up and wished him a good game. However, unlike the other matches, the men all started to walk away, either distracted by something else or simply leaving since it was over.

“Good match you two. Now that everything's over, I have to go report these scores. Make sure to tell everyone they’re free to go,” the instructor said, taking off his whistle before heading out.

Mulder turned to thank his opponent for a good game, only to discover he too was gone. Curious, he made his way over to the group that was huddling, but he didn’t have a good vantage point. “Hey, what’s going on?” he asked the people around him.

“Brad challenged Mrs. Spooky to a match since she was the best woman,” one answered over his shoulder.

“What?” Mulder asked incredulously.

The man turned around and his cocky smile died on his face when he saw who he had been talking to. “Oh, uh, sorry Agent Mulder.”

Mulder paid him no mind as he elbowed his way to the front of the crowd, worry gnawing him away. There was something malicious about this and it put a bad taste in his mouth. He knew Scully could handle herself, but a strong surge of protectiveness coarsed through him. His anxiety didn’t subside when he could finally see them.

Brad was probably Mulder’s height, but with the build of a wrestler. He could probably make a brick wall flinch just by looking at it. Mulder felt uncomfortable just seeing him on the mat with Scully, who looked like a child standing next to this man. This wasn’t right. The gym wouldn’t have paired them together; she may be strong and nimble, but that didn’t really matter with such a significant size difference. The only rational thing he could think of was that he somehow antagonized Scully into accepting a challenge. Nothing about this boded well with him.

The countdown started and all the men surrounding the man started cheering when the whistle blew. Immediately Brad grabbed for her, but Scully was quicker, weaving away from his grasp so elegantly that it almost looked like a dance. Her avoidance took Brad by surprise and he stumbled, creating a laugh from the crowd.

Mulder didn’t need to have a background in profiling to know being laughed off just added fuel to the fire. Brad wheeled around and hit Scully in the side with a the back of his fist, causing her to fall in shock, though she didn’t scream. He wanted nothing more than to run onto the mat and wring his neck, but he knew Scully would be mad at him for intervening.

By nature, he felt compelled to throw himself into every situation. Being partnered with Scully had been a learning curve for him. When people said that the gender dynamics in opposite-sexed partnerships were tricky to navigate, there was a bit of truth in it. He didn’t find it difficult in the way they acted; like the woman was a liability or that the sexual attraction would be too much, though there was plenty of attraction on his behalf; but it was difficult because he wanted her to know he respected her and he wanted everyone else to do the same.

Sometimes he had to check himself over things he hadn’t given a second thought. Was he explaining something to her that she already knew? Was he being inconsiderate of her personal space? Occasionally they’d be doing something stressful and he’d see her get pale, or she’d get really quiet before reaching in her purse before grabbing a Midol. He worried that he was pushing her too hard when she was on her period and he should be more considerate. Then after he asked himself all these questions, he worried if that would be considered ‘treating her differently’ and he worried if that, in and of itself, was sexist. He didn’t want to make it sound like it was so hard dealing with her womanhood, he just wanted her to know how much he respected and valued that aspect of her.

All too often he had to watch her get dismissed because of her gender, and it infuriated him. Men talking to him as if she wasn’t there, men looking at him while she talked as if asking for silent confirmation she was worth listening to, or men who leered at her with poorly-disguised intentions. It took him awhile to realize what was happening, what this odd behavior was, but as soon as he did he was disgusted. Scully had told him time and time again that they couldn’t react poorly because it would just perpetuate the stereotype women were emotional or sensitive. This often meant he couldn’t react on her behalf when he wanted to.

Like now.

He saw the pain register on Scully’s face for a split second before she masked it. He bent down to lunge at her, but Scully was quicker. She did a sort of somersault in between his legs and pivoted on her butt so she could kick him in his, sending him falling to his knees. Scully took the opportunity immediately by throwing herself on his back, grabbing his arms to pin them behind him.

The crowd started cheering at her impressive moves and he felt another surge of pride well up in him. However, he simply was too strong for her to be able to hold his arms like that. He quickly shucked one free before sending his elbow back harshly. It landed squarely on her chest, clearly knocking the wind out of her. Everyone gasped with her at the absolutely illegal move. Hitting was frowned upon, but throwing elbows and knees was forbidden.

His fists clenched at his sides until he was afraid the skin might tear. The jovial nature of the room fell slightly and he saw some people catch sight of him before immediately leaving. Even they didn’t like where this was heading.

The man wheeled around and initially grabbed one bicep, his meaty hand completely engulfing her arm, while he slid the other hand in between her legs to grab her thigh. He lifted her up into the air with a triumphant smile and Mulder almost ran onto the mat, afraid he was going to toss her onto the ground. Scully, per usual, was one step ahead of him and kicked his ribs with her free leg, doing it with the meat of her thigh instead of her foot as to keep it clean.

Brad yelled in pain and dropped her, but she was able to land on her feet. The relief was short lived as he quickly recovered and used his full weight and both hands to shove her. A cry escaped her involuntarily as she fell onto her hands and knees. A self-satisfied smirk erupted on Brad’s face as he loomed over her, leaning down to grab her arms and pinning them to the mat while shoving his knee in the middle of her back.

It should have ended there.

The rule was, if a person was unable to move for ten seconds, the match should be called. It was clear there was no way for Scully to get her hand back, so he could just stand there and hold her arm while the timer counted down. He didn’t. Everything about this was already too rough for Mulder’s comfort, but then he really crossed the fucking line.

He slid his knee off her back and eased himself down, pinning her with his weight to the mat by simply laying on top of her, moving himself so one hand grabbed her wrist while the other held her shoulder. Mulder couldn’t see Scully at all since the man completely covered her.

But he could hear her. “Get the fuck off me!” He saw Brad’s body rock a few times and he knew Scully was fruitlessly trying to buck him off. Mulder knew she’d be pissed at him, but he’s never been able to control his temper as well as she could and he was furious.

He pushed aside the group of men gawking, stepping up the mat and grabbing the man roughly by the shoulder “She said get off,” he shouted with enough force it seemingly sucked all the other noise out of the room.

Everyone stood in stunned silence as Brad rolled away a little bit to see who was touching him. “Come on, Spooky. We’re just doing a training exercise.”

He barely heard what was said because all he could focus on was the small part of Scully’s frame that was revealed to him. Her hands were pressing against the mat with so much force that he could see the muscles in her forearm straining. He also could see the ugly red imprint of a hand on her bare shoulder where he’d been holding her down.

Mulder raised his foot, pressed it into his side, and pushed him with so much force, he rolled off of Scully and onto his back. Mulder couldn’t even rejoice in Scully’s freedom because the sight in front of him caused the rest of the world to stop and the blood to pound in his ears.

The man had a full-blown erection; he’d been getting turned on from attacking Scully.

Mulder saw red and he felt like his rage was in control of his body. He leaned down, grabbed a fistful of the man’s shirt and punched him so hard in the face that a sickening ‘crack’ resonated in the room. All went silent as Mulder attacked him, landing blow after blow wherever he could.

He didn’t know how long that lasted until he felt a hand rest on his shoulder followed by Scully screaming, “Mulder, stop!” His fist remained in the air as he turned to look at her. She looked scared and worried and he felt ashamed for putting that look on her face.

He shoved him back down and took a few steps away from him. “What the fuck man?” Brad spat, clutching his nose, which was pouring blood over the front of his shirt.

“That wasn’t a sparring match, that was a full blown assault!” Mulder screamed as several men rushed to help him up. From the looks he was getting now, he’d been wrong earlier. He wasn’t Sasquatch invading their domain, he was Godzilla ruining it.

“They were just having a little fun, come on,” one of Brad’s work partners defended.

“If that’s what you think a woman looks like when she’s having fun, I feel bad for your wife,” Mulder seethed.

It looked like there might be another fight until Scully jumped between them. “Just take him out,” she demanded. They regarded her with contempt before she added, “Now!” The room quickly cleared out, accompanied by a series of grumbles and snide remarks. Eventually, the metal doors closed, and they were left alone.

Guilt overwhelmed him and an apology started pouring out of him almost involuntarily, “Scully, I’m so sorry. I was-”

The look of shock on her face as she whirled around stopped him mid-sentence. “Mulder, why would you possibly be sorry. I don’t want to think how far that might have gone if you hadn’t intervened. What could have happened if you weren’t there.”

He’d been so worried that he’d insulted her pride by interrupting, that her confession brought on a new wave of guilt. Had she been waiting for him to step in earlier? Had she laid there on the ground with that guy’s dick grinding against her thinking that her partner was watching and enjoying it at her expense? “I should ha-,” he started, but she interrupted him like she hadn’t heard him in the first place.

“I just feel stupid. I was distracted, so I didn’t realize this guy played dirty,” she sighed.

“No, Scully. It’s not your-”

“It is though. I should have known what he was doing. He was egging me on, implying that it would be impossible for a woman to beat him, and I was just too blinded by my irritation and my desire to prove him wrong.” She sounded thoroughly pissed at herself and she raised a hand to fix her hair, but she stopped to wince.

His overwhelming need to apologize for his actions were superseded by his concern for her well being. “How bad did he hurt you?”

She blew out air in exasperation and shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t think anything’s really hurt, I’m just sore.”

“May I?” he asked, pointing to her hair. Maybe he didn’t help her in time then, but the least he could do was fix her hair. He was relieved when she nodded, granting him permission.

He raised his hand up and grabbed her elastic band, tugging at it slowly so it came undone without catching or ripping any strands. Her eyes fluttered shut at his touch and he ran his fingers through her hair to get out the tangles. “I’m sorry. I-”

“Mulder, you don’t need to-”

“No, please let me explain.” He looked at her face for a response, but she just remained silent, allowing him to continue. He started gathering her hair up in his hands to redo her ponytail. His actions were a little clunky since he was two decades out of practice. The last time he had done this was for Samantha. “I feel guilty that I hadn’t stopped him sooner. I just didn’t want it to look like, or for you to think I was implying, that since you were a woman you needed a man to save you. I was scared you would think it was implying I didn’t think you could handle it, or that you don’t know your limits.”

He paused, trying to gauge a response, but she hadn’t moved. “It just-bothers me. And don’t take this the wrong way, I’ve seen you take down guys bigger than him with ease, but I didn’t like that he was using how tiny you are to assert dominance over you. With the mindset he was in, there was no chance for you to win fairly. And then when I saw he was-” Mulder trailed off, almost unable to voice the words.

“Getting off on my distress?” Scully finished, disgust evident in her tone.

“Yeah,” he mumbled. “I just got overwhelmingly protective. I didn’t want you to be mad at me for being, as you put it, ‘territorial.’ Now I realize it might have looked to you like I was just sitting back and enjoying it like the others, and I-”

“No,” she asserted, turning around as soon as he wrapped the band taut one final time. “I would never lump you in with them.”

The conviction that was in her tone and written on her face gave him a sense of pride. Almost like if she believed he was a good man, then it must have been a fact. “Mulder, you’ve never treated me as weak or less than even when I was thinking it myself.” To him, she was impenetrable, a force of strength that blew him away. His heart hurt that she would ever think any less. “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I trust you implicitly. Please never question that.”

He smiled at her words and gently pulled her into a hug, happy when he felt her return the embrace. He nuzzled his chin into the crown of her head before placing a kiss to her hair. She pressed her cheek into his chest and gave a little content sigh.

It was clear then, and it’d be clear for the next twenty-five years; it didn’t matter how many blows they would take, they’d always be there for each other.

[my-moon-taeil]

NCT 127 members: thoughts, aura & vibes

Before starting I might explain what this consists of (obviously!) so everything is clearer. I was thinking about the members in NCT 127 and was wondering, simply, whom I’d truly get along with if I were to exist in the same spacious-temporal dimension; in other words, if I were to be friends with them (we may all have done that at some point, come on.). Anyhow, I wanted to share it here.

So you might understand why I say some things and why I’m feeling this or that way about each member, I might talk a bit about myself. I’m an INFJ, female, “feeling 22″ (sorry, I just cannot get this song out of my head). I’m perceptive, creative and quite confident in my skills. I am the mom friend™️, I like teaching others, helping, and showing the way. I am very sensible, empathetic, though I can be impatient when it comes to certain things. I’m a perfectionist and an idealist, too, which can be troublesome at times. I think INFJ really describes my personality so you might want to read more into that here, because describing oneself is actually something quite hard to do.

I am a new Nctzen, fell in too deep at the end of June 2019, so these feelings and the vibes I am getting from each member might also change or bloom with time. I might get all of this wrong, but in a way, there’s no real ‘wrong way’ to do this, as it is completely personal. It’s also totally self-indulgent, not gonna lie.

I talked about each member in alphabetical order, so it’s totally unrelated to the way I feel about each of them. Let’s get started, if you’re still interested! And as my friends would say (Karo, Holly, I see you)... tea time 🍵! p.s. you might want to do this yourself afterwards, it’s actually quite interesting to really consider it and go in deep!

🌹Doyoung: I feel like Doyoung and I would get along so well, in that casual but intimate way; we know we care for each other and there’s no doubt lingering, even in other’s people mind. And it’s exactly why we can be so casual about it - those who do not see it probably do not pay enough attention, because through the bickering it’s still very clear. We’d probably be the kind that’s together all the time and when we’re not people question it but we tend to shrug it off, even though we’ve been texting and snap-chatting stupid stuff to each other all day long. To me, he’s definitely someone I’d be close to, I know Doyoung is caring and passionate, and that is why we’d also be able to connect well; he’s someone who’d nag me a lot, and whom I’d like to tease back. Catch me brushing the hair out of his eyes and him whining about it. More often than not, though, he would not push my hand away.

🌹Haechan: I have no doubt in mind that he’d be the annoying little brother to me, the one always nudging, making me sigh and roll my eyes an alarming number of times in a single day. I feel like he’s the kind of person I’d be tired of being with for too long, but can’t help caring for anyway... He’s someone I think I’d look after even when I’m tired (of him, or in general haha), or annoyed, or want to be alone. Though, he is the youngest and acts like so, that is why our relation would not be that deep; the gap in both our personalities and maturity being too big. But, I can see he is growing up a lot, at a very fast pace, and he is becoming more responsible, and more aware of others, which I highly appreciate. It also means he is less and less in need to be babied.

🌹Jaehyun: Actually, Jaehyun was my first “bias” in NCT (if I can even call it like that), and the one to actually push me over the edge and make me fall into this fandom; but as weird as it may sound, I actually don’t know how my relation with him would go, were I to be around him. He’s definitely someone attractive, and seems chill and easy to get along with... I think we’d get along well, but I don’t see our relationship being anything special, nor deep at all - good friends who can joke around and enjoy time together, but mainly in a group. For instance, I do not see Jaehyun and I hanging out alone, though we surely would enjoy each other’s company, share good laughs, and consider each other friends. Then again, chemistry between people sometimes cannot be explained or predicted, so who truly knows!

🌹Johnny: Ah, Johnny. I get the biggest ‘big brother’ kind of vibe coming from him. I usually am the one wanting to protect and take care of everyone, and I would definitely like to care for Johnny, but I feel like he wouldn’t let me? And somehow, I actually do not see myself taking care of him the way I do with most of my friends, though I obviously would be a shoulder for him to cry on if he needs me to be. In a way, I have a feeling it would be mainly going one way. He’d be looking after me, but still would tease me to no end, a bit like he does to Mark. He’d be a ‘best friend big bro’, who would joke around but would become seriously overprotective at the slightest sign of discomfort or sadness coming from you. The type who’s like ‘who the hell made you cry I’ll show them some’, even though there’s no one to blame but yourself for your tears. A sweetheart.

🌹Jungwoo: I feel like Jungwoo is a bit the same as Jaehyun, when it comes to that ‘I’m not truly sure how it’d go’ feeling I have. He’s someone very soft and naive, very puppy-like, though sometimes extroverted and pretty awkward. I have known a few people like that in life, and got along with them, but only moderately. Being with them is renewing, because they seem to marvel at the simplest things in life, but my relation with them is never deeper than friendship or acquaintance; most of the time, it’s about hanging out with them in a group of friends, or them being a friend of a friend of a friend. Though, even if the relationship is not deep, I often find myself looking after them and truly caring for them. I definitely won’t be able to stop worrying for this clumsy baby and he’d probably be able to make me smile even when I’m tired and can get closed-off.

🌹Mark: There is something about Mark that makes me adore him, in a protective and prideful kind of way. To me, he has that ‘little brother’ vibe (it might be because he somehow makes me think of my own little brother, who’s 5 years younger?). Though I know it’d obviously be different; and really, no one makes me laugh like Mark. He has that aura that’s just.... young, and free, and each time I hear him rap or each time he just achieves something in general I’m feeling like a proud sister/mom. I love watching him grow and mature, and just cannot stop adoring him; though, as for Johnny, these strong feelings are not romantic, and I do not think they ever could be. Thinking about it now, I have never found myself actually caring in such a family-like way for someone I have never truly met, yet I truly feel like so towards the two of them.

🌹Taeil: Taeil... I do not know why, or how, but to me everything about him screams home and safety. It’s warm and cozy, and it brings me peace. I am pretty introverted and need time to myself, to recharge and just... be on my own, but even when tired and wanting to be alone, I feel like being around a person like him would feel as if I were alone (not in a bad way at all). By that I mean that being in his company is something that never draws energy, that never tires - it’s quiet and warm. I’d surely find myself gravitating towards him, in search of a comfort probably no one else could provide. I am pretty aware of how my eyes always find him first in a crowd, even without meaning to. If I’m honest, I likely would be romantically attracted to Taeil. In any case, he’s someone I’d always truly, fondly care for, protect and side with.

🌹Taeyong: I recognize myself in Taeyong, very much, very often, very deeply. He’s also someone I’d find myself gravitating towards, and no matter the nature of the relationship in the end, I think it truly has potential to become very true and deep. He’s someone with whom I really believe I could form a special connection. I think we’d find ourselves complementing each other and helping each other grow, because no matter how alike we are on some (most) matters, there are things we can learn from the other. I’d be a shoulder to cry on, and a place for him to stay after a long day and for him to be 100% himself. I want to be a shield, a shelter, and if needed, a sword. And I hope he would be that for me, too. On simplest things though, he’d teach me choreography, I’d teach him languages, we’d bake and cook together... all kind of things, really, and especially the things we share a passion for.

🌹Yuta: I think there’s something about Yuta I do not understand, something I cannot grasp, it’s very... fleeting. I am usually good when it comes to understand people, read them. But there’s something controversial about him, I don’t seem to make up my mind about him. I believe he’s someone who would make my mischievous side rise up and I think that together we’d come up with the craziest stuff and end up crying with laughter, or have really deep conversations and reinvent the world, fight for the ones in need with our two little hands; either one or the other, probably no in between. Most of the time though, we might not talk much with each other, or even interact at all? Unless there is something that would trigger the moments when we seem to... click. Maybe he is more like myself than I’d like to believe and that is why I can’t understand him completely, because he has that paradoxical side of him that makes him both one extreme and the other.

🌹Winwin: There is an undeniable sensibility about Sicheng, something that draws in the people around him. I very likely would not be able to resist it either. I am fascinated by the way he moves, and definitely would love to have him teach me his art (dance). He is someone very transparent (to me, at least), even though the language barrier has often made him look mysterious or simple. Our relation might be a mix of casual and caring, a silent connection based on understanding each other easily, mainly thanks to the sensibility we likely have in common. I think I would, even without meaning to, be aware of him and his state of mind. In the moments he gets too much unrequited attention, no words would be needed for me to understand; I’d take his side in hope to bring him some space and let him breathe.

[b1acksw4n]

Who Do You Love? Part 2

Genre: Hybrid!AU, highschool AU, some fluff, LOTS of angst, maybe some smut in future chapters

Pairings: Hybrid!Taehyung x Reader Jungkook x Reader

Summary: Hybrids were owned by humans and were viewed as pets. But what happens when hybrids are given a chance to be our equals. When Kim Taehyung a tiger hybrid transfers to your school, your whole world is flipped upside down. He’s mysterious, which draws you in. Jungkook doesn’t like the sudden interest you take in this hybrid...

Words: 1.1k

Warnings: None as of now

A/N: please tell me if you like this chapter and if you want me to continue or not. I will probably make more parts though.

“YN and Taehyung please stay after class.” Your teacher stated, while grading some papers, while everyone was finishing their class work. You instantly stiffened at his words. Stay after class? Taehyung too? What was going on? Were you in trouble? You didn’t do anything.. suddenly you felt your heart start to race in fear or anticipation you couldn’t decide. Jungkook looked at you with wide eyes, mouthing something that you couldn’t even make out. The bell rang and everyone left the class, leaving you, the teacher and of course.. Taehyung. You looked up at Taehyung, your heart doing flips. Your height difference was kind of sad. He was so much taller than you. He was breathtaking. The teacher smiled a bit, looking at the both of you, as you both approached his desk.

“This is the first school Taehyung has ever been to. He needs a tutor YN. You are our top student and he doesn’t understand some of the subjects and topics we are working on. Would you mind helping him?” You smiled and nodded. “Of course I’ll help!” The teacher smiled at your enthusiasm and Taehyung shyly looked down at you, his ears drooped slightly. The teacher dismissed the both of you and it was lunchtime by then. You and Taehyung both walked together. “T-Taehyung? Do you have a phone number or anything..? Just so we can study together..?” Your voice was soft and timid, unlike how loud and feisty your tone is with Jungkook. You couldn’t help it, you felt so shy and intimidated being around the hybrid. He handed you his phone, looking down at you as he spoke, revealing his sharp canines. “Here. Put in your number.” You smiled at him, quickly putting your number in his phone. That was the first actual sentence he ever said to you! You couldn’t help smile to yourself. “Cute..” Taehyung looked down at you with that glint of interest in his eyes again.

Blushing, you looked into his beautiful but hypnotizing yellow eyes. “W-What?” You awkwardly stared at your feet, with just two fingers, he lifted your chin, forcing you to meet his eyes once more. What the hell was happening? Suddenly Jungkook was grabbing Taehyung by his shoulders with a rough grip on him, shouting. Ripping him away from you. It happened way too fast for you to process what was happening. “Don’t touch her she’s mine!” Jungkook glared at Taehyung. “Well she won’t be for long..” Taehyung said with a sly smirk. Beyond this point Jungkook’s blood was boiling. He was very protective of you and he wasn’t going to let some hybrid take you away from you. Taehyung growled at Jungkook, him doing the same back in return. Anxiously looking at the both of them you backed away from the both of them.

“This isn’t over.” Jungkook snarled, his strong veiny hands having a firm grip of your much smaller and softer hand. Taehyung growled again, his eyes piercing right through Jungkook. Pulling you close to his chest, Jungkook gently brushed a strand of your hair behind your ear. You blushed staying silent. Taehyung stared at you and Jungkook for a moment then walked away. You and Taehyung had to study tomorrow. Thank god you didn’t have to deal with the both of them fighting for the next few days since it was the weekend.. well that’s what you intended. Breaking away from Jungkook, you walked to your locker, gathering your things. Slamming the locker door out of annoyance you walked past Jungkook. “I don’t want you two fighting.” You said trying to give the brunette the cold shoulder.

“And I’ll have you know.. I’m Taehyung’s personal tutor now so you’re going to have to get used to seeing him with me.” You glared, turning on your heel as you left the school walking to your house. Ultimately, the persistent boy followed you, a light mocking scoff leaving his lips. “Really?! Since when YN?” He gasped, his mouth agape. You could practically hear the shock or hurt.. in his voice. You honestly couldn’t tell which. “Yes. You heard me..” You stopped, eyeing him rather cautiously with sharp peripheral vision. “I was asked to because he’s having some trouble.” You explained, struggling to get your keys out of your back pocket. The irritating jingling noise ringing in both of your ears. Fiddling with them for a few moments you finally unlocked your front door. “YN please let me stay for a bit.. we need to talk..” Jungkook practically plead. “Ok.. fine.”

Once you both got settled, you turned on your tv for background noise. A random avengers movie playing, you made some coffee for both you and that stubborn friend of yours. Sitting beside him on the couch, her gratefully accepted the coffee. “YN.. I..i.” The younger boy stuttered, avoiding your intent gaze. “I like you..” He finally mustered out after some more stumbling on his words and awkward moments of silence. Your heart started racing. Were you that oblivious. Your best friend liked you this whole time. “I understand... if you feel uncomfortable and don’t wa-” His voice gradually got lower as he spoke, but you cut him off before he could finish his sentence. “No.. Jungkook.. I cherish our friendship.. I wouldn’t want to ever stop talking to you.. it’s just I’m not over my ex. Seokjin..” You went on, tears forming in your eyes. You felt awful. Jungkook was probably hurt all because of you. “I’m not ready for another relationship right now..” You continued, while fiddling with the hem of your shirt.

“I-It’s alright I understand.. I just wanted to tell you and be honest with you.” He smiled sadly, clearing looking disappointed, but he tried his best to conceal it with a phony smile to prevent you from worrying. Knowing this made your heart drop. “That was also another reason I was so protective when you were with Taehyung. I don’t care what I have to do to win you over YN. When you’re ready for a relationship.. I’ll be waiting right here.” A sudden burst of determination dawned over him, which only made your heart flutter. Jungkook really was cute.. but it just wouldn’t be right to be with him when all you thought about was Seokjin.

“But you have to believe me..” He stayed, his tone suddenly sounding very serious. You cocked your head to the side in confusion. What was he going on about now? “If you get too close to a hybrid like Taehyung he’ll get very possessive of you. He may even try to claim you if he feels threatened enough.” Jungkook’s usual chocolate brown eyes darkened as he spoke. “He’d never.. or at least not without my permission Kookie. He seems like a sweetheart. Give him a chance.”

“YN, you’re so naive. He’s a hybrid. You’re a human. He has animal instincts and if you get too close.. he could act on them.”

[baiwwnsn]

Some of the most vivid memories and significant season’s I think about, are the different boyfriends I had and the boys I shared time with, and the time we spent together. Welcoming Nolan, Felt new. I couldn’t quite figure out what the hell I was doing or how I was supposed to do it. I was naive, kind of dumb too. However, he gave more than I gave him. I was selfish and did what I’ve always done - what’s best for me. I was certainly convinced that no matter what kind of storm I caused, he’d want to stand in the eye of my hurricane. Uh, I, myself, wouldn’t even want to. I lost something, yet gained another. In exchange for my first ever “heartbreak”. I learnt how to overcome an obstacle in a relationship, big or small. I learnt how to forgive, others and myself. I learnt that after a storm, it’s quiet. I learnt that causing your own storm, only ever comes back to rain on you. Season’s changing. Having been younger, I chuckle at what we once shared - it makes me smile, he makes me smile - as I once thought my first boyfriend was the biggest deal since sliced bread. He taught me a friendship in a partner, and that the compatibility of two people doesn’t matter. Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Forgiving Tim, Took me two years. He made me I understand the iciness of not feeling good enough for somebody. I remember introducing him to my Dad, and boy, my Dad was not having it. Now, I don’t blame him. I felt robbed to an extent, somewhat diminished. Constantly taken advantage of and walked over, I remained as his door mat. Come and go as you wish. Sneaking out and getting myself involved with the wrong people, ending up in the wrong places at the wrong times. The furthest thing from myself, is what I offered to him. I wasn’t ever much to him, until he wasn’t anything to me at all. I reflect on how I allowed myself to succumb to that certain level of self respect and confidence, a season of shivers and shallowness. I used to contemplate on whether or not he truly ever taught me any valuable lessons on love. ONE. Taught me one. Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself first, nobody else will. The way you carry yourself, is how others will admire you. I can’t seem to say that I’m grateful for constantly being cheated on, having relations when I didn’t want to, and allowing someone else’s insecurities to become my own. But, I say I am grateful, as I now know to never change for another again. I will never put someone else before me, if they wouldn’t do the same for me. I am not a fucking second choice. There was Anthony. When I think about this season of my life, I think about road trips, driving up to his cousins place. Always doing something. I loved driving with him - I sat shotgun and sang my heart out as he’d unforgivingly insult my singing and laugh with, and at me. Every time he would come to pick me up, I could never drag him away from chatting my mom’s ear off. I adored that about him though, he blossomed in conversation with anyone he encountered. He had a good head on his shoulders, his Mother did well. I loved his Mom. I loved his entire family, as I did my very own. They humbled me in a way, I felt comfortable in their home, they always made me feel at home. I loved our life together. Spontaneous Sunday trips, new restaurants, new places, something new. It was an entire adventure in whole. We went away for Christmas together, Disneyland, surfing. Future plans and trips seemed to become dreams we’d pitched together. It was pure romance, the type you’d always hope it to be. A candles, cuddling and a rolled one kinda comfortable. When I think about that phase of life that we were together, I think about breakfast. I made him Hazelnut French Toast often, and I’m pretty sure he thought it was terrible, yet ate it anyways. Although we were very much or own people, we meshed together, strangely but so easily. My dreams weren’t his however. Wanting my first love to be my last, I clang to the hope of ‘near or far’. We were different worlds, having being almost five years younger, I felt distant to him in ways. I can’t recall how many episodes I had, getting angry at him for drinking too much or him throwing my bullshit right back into my face ; but I couldn’t imagine anyone else replacing him. I felt God damn married. Apologies for using the Lord’s name in vein. It became routinized. I was too comfortable, and although I loved him so deeply, I craved something more than easy love - I wanted something to work for - and maybe I’ll regret not appreciating the warmth he did give me one day. I look back and can see where I could’ve worked on myself. In segments, and large portions. I could have limited myself in the tears department also. I cried for three weeks straight, well, I cried at least once a day for twenty one days after we broke up. I found myself struggling to get out of bed, crying at practice, eating nothing. I admit, maybe I drowned myself in my own sadness - yet, I knew of no resources to get over it. The way we parted still stings a bit today, although everything happens for a reason - I wish that reason still could make a little more sense to me. Forgiving actions and words, neither of us two dealt with our situation in the most appropriate way. In fact, I lost myself. They must come to an end eventually, but I do believe that even the hardest relationships leave a ray of sun. In Titus. I found myself. Yet, at first; I was scared, somehow very uncertain too. Coming out of a long term relationship, my vulnerability had thickened and I was convinced that it wouldn’t truly turn into anything. He proved me wrong. After awhile, and his awaited patience - I fell in love; with Tanner, him and I as one, and myself. It was light, and cheerful. Constantly goofing off and laughing at little things - he made me giddy. His smile, always undeniable - I could never not smile back. He drew everything I lacked in myself, out of me. I found myself appreciating life more often, and taking the time everyday to make myself and someone else - feel appreciated. When I relapse to this season I think about Winter, the childishness we brought out of one another similar to a snowball fight, and the colder feelings that we hid from each other, getting hit with multiple snowballs at once. We often felt each other pulling away, and one would have to give on our rope a bit more, or pull our link to bring each other back. Our game of tug war. I’ll always love Tanner, but to say I loved all of him would be incomplete - as I never truly knew all of his deeper and darker corners. Nor did he know all of mine. We remained with few doors shut on each other; my reasoning was as I wasn’t ready to let someone open the doors that I hadn’t even begun turning the knobs on yet. I wanted it to work, it seemed so perfect to me. He caught me by surprise from the get go, I played it up to be the sorta ‘ it was when I was really not expecting it’ kinda thing. We gave each other so many things, yet we walked on eggshells with each other. Falling for one another so quickly, we never really stood our ground and set our boundaries. We were constantly crashing into one another, and thinking we’d fixed all our problems by fucking each others brains out. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but that’s one thing we were getting right. Tanner was a gift to me, a present inside a present inside a present. He always kept surprising me, keeping me on my toes. It was the first time in my life that I had ever wanted to give someone the world - I just didn’t know how. I constantly felt protected and admired. Like I belonged to someone, a passion truly irresistible. With T, I had never been more curious about the world, and what I could truly do in my life. I frequently dipped my mind in different waters. The season where we started to fight more than usual. Nothing was going according to plan. I thought I had my entire life planned out, but things were spiralling out of our control. Timing was so off and we didn’t know what to do. He picked up his things and walked to the outside of my gate, still feeling us gripping to one another as if it maybe wasn’t a good idea to part ways - I stumbled inside and fell to the ground. Walking back outside minutes later and seeing him still in his car - head on his steering wheel, crying. Good things fall apart so better things can come together, for new things to inspire - and in our case, we needed to inspire ourselves, on our own. Now, not either of us are holding either ends of our rope. One day, maybe I’ll have the pleasure of being ‘his’ again. As I would be lucky to share those moments of wonder, humour, passion and curiosity with no other. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”  Richard Bach.   When a season of life ends  - specifically with a boyfriend - it’s usually harder than any other season you will live. Because those are the ones you really don’t get back. It’s different than graduating from high school, or moving away from home. You don’t get to revisit your old relationships like you can by going back home, or a 10 year reunion. You don’t get to stay best friends with your exes like you can with a friend from grade school. You say goodbye to your routine, your favourite places, your favourite songs. You say goodbye to their family, their cats and dogs, their living rooms, their bed’s. You say goodbye to who you were as a person when you were together - because you’ll never be the same version of yourself again. There’s a lot of goodbye’s including obviously, the person you loved. And wow, is it painful. Because when it’s over - it’s really over. It ends. It ends. It always does. It wont ever be that kind of same. Coming back to Kace every time, Having lived through countless seasons together. He’s been a starring role in more “seasons” than anyone else in my life. Like a tv show run. The season when I get a boyfriend and tried to forget about him. The season when I cried every night because I couldn’t. The season where I almost allowed myself to go after him, yet I was always too scared of the outcome. The season of what if’s. The season when we waited a year and a half to love on each other. The season of I wish I would've. The season of I wish I would’ve let you hold me a little longer. The season of you telling me to stop worrying all the time. The season where I was happy, living an entirely separate life from him - for an entire year. But deep down I missed him every single day. And then, the season where we hadn’t seen each other in a year but, coincidently ended up in the same place. Visiting, and I can still feel the feeling that only you can get me in. Opening my door to such a familiar face in a new place. Laughed, and bothered each other - melting into each other like no time had passed. I was begging time to stop. Then there was the season where he turned cold and refused to talk to me, in his defence, I was always with someone, it was just never him. There was the time when I told him I loved him and he didn’t, maybe couldn’t, say it back. There was the season when things were so good, it felt like the universe was just begging us to be together, but I ignored it. Seasons of him being that constant motivator, friend, support system and secret lover. Seasons of him questioning me, as he had every right to. From pep talks to holding me on a bathroom floor. Seasons may change, but you stay constant in a way. Maybe one day I won’t ignore it, or maybe I’ll never accept it, as I just don’t want this to end, too. They say nothing truly great can stay in one’s life, although we all have an expiry date - I don’t think that’s true. It is a constant to be saying goodbye to phases of your life. Those moments will fade, but with that brings a new season right to your doorstep. It is true that it ends. But I think that if you are always aware of life as it’s happening, if you’re always fully present in the now… something great will always stay.

Seasons

[chungha-supremacist]

No Borders - Chapter 5 (the ending)

word count: 2742

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS LESBIAN SEX AND STRAIGHT SEX! IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY, DON’T READ THIS!

SUMMARY:

“It’s just us 5 right?”

“Forever.”

“No men allowed… ever. Let’s promise to eachother that we will never let any man come in between us!”

“Never!”

Naive promises told at a young age, just between 5 best friends. They promised their world to eachother, “best friends ‘till death breaks us apart”. 10 Years passed. The same 5 girls, but no longer blinded by those “stupid promises”. It will be broken. The promise of a lifetime. The lust of love is what makes us all see unclear. We lose our friends, or soulmates, we fall for the unknown, we fall for lies and for the feeling of being important to someone who will drag us far away from who truly matters.

“Forget about the world… forget about them… right now, it’s only me and you. They don’t need to know that I love you.”

CATEGORY: F/F; F/M

Fandom: RED VELVET (Band), NCT (Band)

Relationships: Park Sooyoung / Kim Yerim; Bae Joohyun / Kang Seulgi; Son Seungwan / Nakamoto Yuta

Characters: Park Sooyoung; Kim Yerim, Bae Joohyun, Kang Seulgi, Son Seungwan, Seo Youngho, Jung Jaehyun, Nakamoto Yuta, Dong Si Cheng, Wong Yuk Hei, Lee Taeyong, Chung Ha

Additional Tags: friendship,angst, mistrust, lies, cheating, lesbian interactions, smut, fluff, fashion, models, rich life, etc

RATED: SMUT, FLUFF, ANGST.

CHAPTER 5

Wendy slowly opens her eyes which seem glued together.

She takes some time to adjust her sight to the sun peeking right to her through the blinds that were covering only half of her window.

Something is off. She can’t feel the warmth of her loved one next to her. She feels lonely now. It’s not like its an unusual feeling for her, but she hates it. She hates loneliness more than anything in this world.

She finally opens her eyes fully and scans her bedroom, no sight of Yuta, his clothes or even her clothes.

‘Was it all a dream?’

‘Did he leave me?’

‘Was this all my imagination?’

Still, she is confirmed by the sticky, half-dry white semen on the sheets and sticking on her.

‘So it was real.’

She slowly gets up from the messy bed and she slowly trips on her way to the bathroom. She takes her silky bath-robe and goes to look for Yuta.

As she opens her bedroom door she can hear sounds in the kitchen. She feels relieved.

‘This must be him.’

She goes in the living room which was connected to the kitchen and her heart starts beating so fast when she sees the man of her life in her kitchen, cooking breakfast for them.

“Oh, Good Morning, princess.” He says and he comes to give her a small peck on the forehead while holding a pan with pancakes.

“It smells amazing.” Wendy says as she is sniffing the air that smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. And well, like him. His skin impregnated with the most godly scent in the world. Her new favourite aroma.

Yuta is soon done with the pancakes he was cooking and he places a plate with a 3 pancakes one on top of eachother, topped with honey, cinnamon and he made a heart from strawberries.

Wendy must’ve left out the dumbest smile in the whole world, as she was looking at the pancakes in such awe. She hugs his waist and he kisses her head before taking a seat in front of her.

“How did you sleep, baby? Did you take a shower yet?” he asks while munching on his pancakes.

“Not yet, wanna take one with me when we’re done?”

“That is a great idea.”

 Some minutes later, they are both in the bathroom, slowly stripping to get into the shower that was already opened for the water to be the perfect temperature when they will get in.

“I am so sticky goddamn.” Says Wendy looking at her chest which was covered in dry cum.

Yuta chuckles shyly and gets in the shower, giving a hand to Wendy to invite her in aswell.

“Turn around, I will start with washing your back, okay?” Yuta says as he grabs a showering sponge and pours some chocolate scented shower gel.

He parts Wendy’s hair to not get shower gel in it and starts to place slow rubs on her back.

“You are so gentle…” whispers Wendy while enjoying the hot water pouring on her.

Yuta places a kiss on her bare shoulder and his hands go around her waist.

“Let’s stay like this for a moment” and he rests his chin on her shoulder, making the whole scene insanely romantic and sweet.

Wendy turns around, searching for his lips.

She kisses him softly, their lips matching perfectly, like they were shaped to be together. She bites his top lip and he smiles in the kiss.

They are both giggling now. Yuta continues to wash Wendy’s body, now on her chest.

His eyes were running carefully on her body, analyzing every spot that needed to be cleaned. He looked like a sculptor carefully paying attention to every detail of his muse. Wendy felt slightly intimidated as he was rubbing her boobs and she was careful not to leave out any moan and make the whole scene erotic.

“Let me wash you too.” She says as she grabs now the sponge and starts rubbing it on Yuta’s toned chest. She wears she never laid eyes on a more perfect body.

She tries not to stare and admire him too much, but she couldn’t help. He was a God. The God of pleasure and romance, only for her.

Yuta puts his hands over hers and starts guiding them on his body, dragging them lower and lower.

Wendy’s face turns red as her hands were now on his V line, touching his proeminent veins.

Yuta starts breathing heavily as Wendy’s fingers start tracing lines at the base of his penis.

“Fuck…” he mumbles as Wendy’s fingers are now on the tip of his cock, slowly caressing it.

“Senpai, I feel like I haven’t pleased you enough last night, may I do it now?”

“Princess, there is no such thing as not pleasing me, you did so well last night. But now I want your mouth on my cock, please your Senpai.” Says Yuta as he slowly pushes Wendy on her knees and he seeks the wall of the shower with his back, for stability.

Wendy places her hands on his thighs and she starts giving kitten licks on the tip of his cock. The scene wouldn’t look so erotic if Wendy wouldn’t look into Yuta’s eyes the whole time. She was showing him how happy she is to be filled with him.

She inserts the tip in her mouth now, slowly circling it with her tongue inside. Now her mouth starts going up and down on his length. She can’t take it all in, it would be impossible, but she tries to take in as much as she can, without gaging.

“Holy shit Wendy, fuck you’re so good! You are so hungry for me baby!” Yuta says as he slowly thrusts into her mouth.

Wendy starts moving faster and faster, but Yuta pushing aswell made his cock reach her lungs which made her have an insane gag feeling, but she didn’t complain, she was a good cocksucker. She was used to gaging.

They go on like that until Yuta releases his load deep into Wendy’s throat which made her cough a little bit, but she thanked her man by kissing him passionately.

“I love you”

“I love you too, endless.” And they stay hugged in the shower for the next ten minutes.

---

Irene is at work, typing some emails lazily on her computer, when she gets a text.

‘I’m waiting you outside. I am with my car. Don’t make me wait ~ your one & only S’

Irene smiles incontrolably at the cuteness of her girlfriend. She packs her stuff and leaves.

There she was, Seulgi was standing besides her car, in a black dress and a leather jacket, making her look very badass and intimidating, but Irene knew what a soft teddy-bear she actually was.

She runs to her in a heartbeat and they both stay hugged for about a minute.

“I missed you, how was work?” Seulgi asks with big eyes as she opens the car door for Irene to go inside.

“As always, tiring, boring. No photoshoots today.” Replies Irene as she was putting on her seat-belt.

They talk all the way to Yeri’s place where they were supposed to go spend some time with her.

They knew what happends between her and Sooyoung, how Sooyoung hurt her. Yeri is not okay till this day. Sooyoung’s words keep replaying in her head and it hurts her the more and more she thinks about them: ‘I think you should find someone Yeri, and I think I will give a chance to Doyoung.’

She hasn’t contacted Sooyoung ever since. She keeps wondering if she already went out with Doyoung… What if Sooyoung is in a relationship with him now… What if Sooyoung forgot about her?

---

Yeri gets starled by the knocks on the door.

‘Who even knocks in the 21st century?’ she asks herself sassily.

She opens up and she is greeted by Seulgi and Irene…. Holding hands??

‘What the fuck is up with these two?’ she thinks.

“Ummm hello, come in.” says Yeri unsure.

Irene smirks seeing the younger one being so confused. She cant wait to see her shocked face when she will find out.

They all sit lazily on the couch and Yeri brings some cookies for the girls.

“I’m sorry, not much of them left. I ate all of them in the middle of my mental breakdowns…” says Yeri trying to make a funny thing out of her depressing situation.

“It’s ok, Yeri, how have you been?” asks Seulgi worriedly as she pats Yeri’s shoulder.

“No. Girls, do you know is Sooyoung has anyone?” she asks with big, almost teary eyes.

“No, Yeri. We don’t know but we are sure Sooyoung isn’t dating.”

“Yeah, you know her. She hardly finds someone she likes and even if she finds one, it takes her lots of time to get comfortable with that person and go out with him.” Reassures Irene.

“I guess…” Yeri says while pleading her head…

“Com on, Yeri! We’re not here to see you cry! We’re here to keep you company and shower you with love!” Seulgi says as she jumps on her like a small child.

Irene smiles and joins the hug.

“Thank you girls…”

 The girls spent the rest of the day cuddled all together and talking, laughing together. Irene and Seulgi made themselves official to Yeri and she almost choked on her cookie when she heard it, but she was happier than no one else for them. Even if things between her and Sooyoung didn’t work out, she is at least happy that her loved friends are now together since they loved eachother for God knows how long.

 9pm.

 The girls left and now Yeri is back at being alone, sitting on her sofa and looking blankly at the TV. She hates how sad her life is without her friends around… without Sooyoung around.

She almost falls asleep when she hers her doorbell.

She looks at her phone: 11pm.

‘What kind of psychopath is at my door…?’ thinks Yeri.

‘Should I grab my knife?’

‘Omg Yeri stop being so negative! It’s probably a neighbor asking for flour… at 11pm…’

She slowly, tip-toe approaches the door and looks on the eyehole. She gasps at the sight of Sooyoung being in front of her door. But… what was wrong? Why was she here so late…? Why at her?

She opens.

“S-Sooyoung..?”

Sooyoung looked devastated. Her rimmel was running on her face from tears. She was wearing a red, short, sequined dress and she looked as if she was coming from an important place… or perhaps… from a date…

“Why are you crying S-Sooyoung?” Yeri asks terrified as Sooyoung takes a step into her house.

“I’m lost. I’m nothing without you. I made a huge mistake.”

She said all these words so soulless. She was looking in a certain direction, but not at Yeri. She seemed dead.

“I’m coming from a date with Doyoung.”

“Oh…”

“He is amazing. But I am the problem… I can’t. I just can’t date anyone… your image would come into my mind. I told him Yeri at some point. The poor guy was so confused.” She says still looking blankly, not a Yeri.

“W-what…? You’re thinking at me?” asks Yeri stuttering and trembling.

“Yerim. What do you feel for me? I don’t wanna waste your youth… I just wanna know how you feel. And I will leave you alone to live your life.”

“SOOYOUNG! I don’t need you to leave me alone! I need you in my life!! And not as a friend!! I need you… to be mine.”

There she goes. She said it. Yeri was shocked by the words she just verbalized.

“Me too. I want you to be mine. I want to be yours.” Says Sooyoung, now looking straight into Yeri’s eyes.

They both stare at eachother for some seconds, before Sooyoung grabs Yeri’s head and kisses her.

Yeri had no time to react. She slowly closes her eyes for her to fully enjoy the taste of Sooyoung’s lips on hers. They were so soft, so velvety… she wants to kiss them forever.

Yeri puts her hands on Sooyoung’s shoulders, looking so small compared to the tall Unnie.

“Grab me in your arms.” Yeri mumbles into the passionate kiss and Sooyoung grabs Yeri’s waist close to her gently.

Sooyoung doesn’t realise but her back meets a wall and she whines at the sudden contact with it making Yerim smile on her lips.

“You are heavenly… My angel…” says Sooyoung as she was now looking at Yeri’s face while caressing her soft hair. “I don’t think I will ever get sick of looking at you, princess.”

Yeri kisses her Unnie again to thank her for the words and also show her how much she loves her back. Yeri was very bad with words, but her actions said it all.

 They were both upstairs, in Yeri’s bedroom and Sooyoung was not getting dressed in some comfy clothes from Yeri’s wardrobe.

“They look so small on you.” Chuckles Yerim.

“Yeah… your body is so small.” Laughs Sooyoung as she tries to stretch a tight shirt Yeri gave her.

Sooyoung was definitely bigger. Taller, longer legs, stronger arms, bigger chest.

Yerim was the mini version of her. This is what made them adorable for eachother, they were complete together.

Sooyoung jumps on Yeri who was lying on the bed.

“Can I call you my girlfriend?” asks Sooyoung straightforwardly.

“Y-yes. That’s what we are after all.” Giggles Yeri as she kisses Sooyoung’s cheek.

The two young lovers spend the rest of their night cuddled together and expressing their everlasting love.

 --- 1 year later, Yeri’s Birthday

 “Come on Irene! She’s going to be there any minute now!” screams Seulgi from the living room while inflating some balloons.

Irene was decorating a cake with candles, while Wendy and Yuta were decorating the rest of the house.

Sooyoung rushes into the apartment “She just entered the building!”

They all start panicking and find a place where to hide.

“Turn the lights off dumbass!” screams Wendy to Yuta while spanking his ass to go to the switch.

“Ouch!” he dramatizes as he closes the lights and joins Wendy to her hiding spot behind the sofa.

 The door is opened and Yeri opens the lights revealing her whole apartment decorated, decorations which she most certainly didn’t make. She sees Sooyoung standing on the couch, dressed in an insanely stunning long red dress, revealing one of her slender legs.

“Happy Birthday, love!” Sooyoung says as she approaches to kiss Yeri.

“What is all of this??” asks Yeri in shock but with a wide smile on her face.

“It’s how much me and your friends love you…” and with this, the rest of them pop from their hiding spots screaming the clicheic “Happy Birthday” and run to hug and congratulate Yeri.

 They are all sitting at the table, eating the delicious cake made by Irene and recalling memories from their past.

Who would’ve thought that they would all be sitting again at the table, but in a new formula. And with a new person in the “group”. 

Yuta was welcomed with open arms by the girls and he was getting along with all of them just like they were his sisters. Wendy was on cloud nine to see her friends getting along so well with her beloved fiancée, because yes, Yuta made the big step one month ago when he proposed to Wendy on their romantic trip to Japan, under the cherry blossoms.

 Irene and Seulgi were like a married couple. Always had small fights which they solved in bed, but at the end of the day, they were inseparable. Their love was beyond borders and they promised love to one another through the promise rings Irene bought for them.

 As for Yeri and Sooyoung, the two of them were the heart of the group. The cutest couples you could ever meet. Never afraid to show pda in public and they were so proud of one another. Yeri was quite the jealous type so everytime a guy would look at Sooyoung, she would grab her woman and kiss her while looking straight into the soul of the person who would dare to lay eyes on what’s hers.

 From now on, anyone who would dare to criticize their love, they would just answer “Love has No Borders.”.

 THE END.

[randomkpopfaketexts]

Baby Don’t Stop | Nine

Baby Don’t Stop | Lucas X Reader | Idol!AU | “After I first saw you, I got a feeling that I needed no other reason. Like magic, I felt each hundredth of a second. For every detailed one minute, all of my nerves are on edge... I want to get to know you.”

Purple = Japanese

You didn’t understand it. Why? After four years! Why had she contacted you?

Had she spoken with Wooseok? Had he told her just how broken you had been when you two had first met? And why didn’t he tell you she was a trainee at Cube?

Maybe it was to protect you. He had expressed his disgust countless times after he found out just how broken you were... it had to be that. Protecting you.

You know that if you had known sooner you probably would’ve marched into Cube to pick a fight. And you couldn’t do that to her, even after all she had done to you.

Maybe meeting with her was your one way to get closure.

Maybe.

And as you sat, ten minutes early, you contemplated leaving. What if you couldn’t do it? What if you could face her? After four long years...

It was too late. Five minutes before the set time the door to the cafe chimes signaling another customer entering. You eyes immediately make contact with the familiar, yet strange dark brown eyes you were once so familiar with.

“Hi.” She said breathlessly, a shy smile on her face. Yet you remained stone. Cold. And unsure of how to feel now that she was actually sitting in front of you. “Do you still drink the same thing? Earl Grey? With a little bit of cream and two sugars?”

Your eyes widened in shock, clenched jaw slacking as she giggled at your expression. “I remember. How could I not? It was like your drug when...” she trailed off, noticing your jaw clenching again. “I’ll just go order-“

“Here you go ma’am. One Earl Grey, cream and sugar. And one large iced americano with hazelnut flavoring.” The waiter smiled, bowing and disappearing a moment later.

“You remembered mine?” You nod, stiffly. But still, you finally responded. “Even after I hurt you.”

“What do you want? I didn’t come here for you just waste my time Jaewon.”

“I want to give our friendship another chance. And if I can get you to forgive me then I can get the others to forgive me-“ you scoff.

“So that’s what you want.” You look at her, your arms crossed over your chest, one leg crossed over the other as one heeled boot tapped against the floor. “You don’t even care about me-“

“Don’t say that! I do care! I care about all four of you!”

“Then why did you leave us?” Tear brimming your eyes as you stared at her. “Why did you leave me? I needed you unnie.”

“Debuting was taking too long-“

“And you don’t think I didn’t want to quit? I wanted to give up so much and go back to Osaka! But I didn’t! I made a commitment to Jimin, Jisoo, Hwayoung, and even you! And I held through!”

“I’d been a trainee for seven years.”

“Jisoo trained for ten, Jaewon.” You spat at her, not taking her excuse.

“Well I’m not Jisoo.” You roll your eyes at her response, even when you were friends, her responses were similar during arguments. You hear chimes again, but you can’t even focus as your head begins to hurt.

“And yet here you are,” a third voice enters the mix and you tense even more when you hear your brother speaking. “You’re debuting four years after you left, and three after my sister. So how well did your plan of debuting sooner work?”

Yuta stood over the two of you, eyeing Jaewon.

“I don’t remember inviting you.”

“Well my sister has a concerned boyfriend, something I’m sure you don’t understand either. Just like you don’t understand how much you abandoning my sister killed her.” Yuta grabs your jacket, forcing you to stand as he tugs you toward the door. Once at the door, after forcing your mask over your face and his over his own, he turns to Jaewon again. “Stay the hell away from her.”

—

Yuta slams the front door to the NCT dorm shut, causing the loud commotion from within to cease. He angrily shoved his coat and shoes off, before storming through to the leaving room trying to get to his bedroom before he was stopped by Taeyong.

“Yuta? What’s going on?”

You had flinched when he shut the door and now you entered the living room quietly as the attention turned from your brother to you. You weren’t expecting all of NCT to be at the 127 dorm, but here they were.

Lucas stood up and went to approach you, but Taeil - a witness to the many Nakamoto sibling fights - held him back, forcing him to sit. Forcing him to watch as you seemingly wanted to make yourself smaller.

“Yuta?” Taeyong asks again, the seasoned mediator of the Nakamoto fights.

“Ask her.” He jerked his head in your direction, glaring as he did so. His gaze softening almost unnoticeably as you flinched.

“Y/N?”

“I met with Jaewon.”

“Not only did you meet with her, you were on the verge of a full blown panic attack!” Your eyes widen, you hadn’t expected him to call you out on your little episode.

The members say quietly, Lucas on edge as he wanted to jump up and defend you from your brother, but he didn’t know what he even said, nor was it his place to say anything at all.

“She said she wanted to talk,” you voice cracked.

“How naive do you have to be?” Yuta laughed, turning on his heel to head down the hallway, shoulders hunched.

You watch him for a moment before following after him, stopping the bedroom door from slamming as you enter and shut it behind you. “You’re supposed to support me!”

“I can’t support you if you continuously go against what I advise!”

“Yuta! You can’t always protect me!” He stayed silent at that. “I know you hate it, but sometimes there are things that I need to learn on my own! You’re not always going to be there to protect me from the scary and bad things that hide from the light. I have to learn to do that myself.”

“I can’t see you like that again. Not the way she left you, it killed me. It killed me to see how broken you were- you’re my baby sister, Y/N. All I want to do is protect you.” He stepped toward you, his arms wrapping around your shoulders and bringing you into his chest.

“I know, Yuta.”

—

You and Yuta exit his room after a long and serious discussion. Which primarily included you promising to let him know when Jaewon contacted you and for him to allow him to sit in on the meetings.

He had given you some clothes that you had left from previous nights you’d stay with your brother. Both of you in fresh clothes, your makeup removed, and back in a regular routine, you head into the living room.

The amount of members had died down considering Taeyong, Kun, and Doyoung sent the Dreamiest back to their dorm, minus Mark and Donghyuck. So that left the entirety of NCT U and 127.

“Are you two done fighting?” Donghyuck perks his head up. “It got quiet about ten minutes after you disappeared and we assumed that Y/N had killed you, Hyung. I was prepared to help her hide the- STOP!” He takes off running as Yuta begins chasing him, throwing various miscellaneous items at him.

You laugh at them and tip toe over Johnny and Mark, who lay on the floor arguing over something in English, to sit between Taeil and Lucas. Your head hurt, your day had been long, and you were tired. But you knew better than to fall asleep before Johnny or Donghyuck. But yet you couldn’t help the comforting feeling of leaning your head against Lucas, who was dressed comfortably, similar to that of Kun and Jungwoo.

“What are you guys doing, having a sleep over?”

Taeil laughs and you give him a tired smile, “Yeah. Lucas, Kun and Jungwoo are staying over tonight.”

You shift your head to look up at Lucas who hadn’t taken his big brown eyes off of you since you reentered the room. The boy was whipped, your heart sang when you saw the way he looked at you. He moved his arm, causing you sit up, but quickly wrapped it around you prompting you to lean into his chest instead of his shoulder.

His attention was completely drawn from Jungwoo, who smiled at the site of the younger boy being so loving towards you. Jungwoo simply placed his attention on Doyoung and Sicheng, letting you two be.

Lucas pouted at you as you made eye contact again. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Promise?” You nod, grabbing his free hand and placing a small kiss against his wrist. His ears turn pink, and he simply wondered what it would feel like for your lips to be pressed against his lips instead of his wrist.

That’s right. You two hadn’t kissed yet. He wanted to, but he didn’t want to rush you. He didn’t want to push you into an uncomfortable situation. So he waited, and he would continue to wait until you initiated it or expressed that you wanted him to kiss you.

As the night progressed, you remained wrapped in Lucas’s embrace, neither one of you wanting to leave the other. Movies were played, junk food was eaten. You and Lucas shared a milkshake or two. And each member slowly began to leave to go to be. Starting with the two youngest, followed by the grandpas, Taeil, Kun, and Taeyong.

Doyoung, Johnny, and Jungwoo were the next to leave with Jaehyun, Yuta, and Sicheng.

Soon, it was just you and Lucas. Curled up on the couch, the tv still on with a low hum to simply act as background noise as you two stared at the drama playing but never really paying enough attention to catch what the plot was. The tv the only source of light in the room.

“Y/N?” You shift your head up for the umpteenth time that night. He meets your tired gaze and reaches a hand up to brush your hair out of your face. Your gaze travels down to his lips, and you quickly avert your eyes.

He catches this and smirks, “Why are you acting so shy, baby girl?” You groan and hide your face in his chest. He laughs, his chest shaking and you can hear his heart pounding as it beats faster.

“Can I kiss you?” You mumble into his chest and he takes in a deep breath, ears burning again.

“What was that?”

You sit up and push yourself out his arms but his hand that previously held your shoulder now rested on your knee as you stared at him, your face burning bright red. “Can I kiss you?”

He only nodded his head in response.

You scoot closer to him, hair falling in your face again. He smiles his big cheesy and raises a hand to brush it away again. He leaves his hand to rest against your face as you lift one of your own to cup his cheek.

You lean in, your lips pressing softly against his and your eyes flutter shut. Your first kiss with Lucas was nothing but pure magic.

Okay, that may be a stretch. The minute your lips pressed against his, he turned into a giggly baby laughing loudly, having to pull away and clapping his hands together as he stared at you from behind his bangs which fell into his face and a little behind his glasses.

You pout at him and he giggles loudly again, surely waking someone in the dorm up, but he didn’t care. He sat up, leaning his forearm against the back of the couch and leaning towards you again.

His smile stretching, probably wider than you have ever seen before. “Kiss me again,” he whispered like an excited school girl.

“I barely even kissed you the first time you big baby!” You scold him, but smile as he leans closer to you.

His soft lips meeting yours, this time remaining there as he presses you closer to him, one hand finding your waist and the other you cheek. You hands find his waist as you attempt to pull him closer, only resulting in you nearly falling in his lap. Giggling coming from both of you this time as you break the kiss, only to reconnect seconds later. This time, your eyes had fluttered shut. This time, it was magic.

[rollercoasterwrite]

THE SELFISHNESS OF OUR HEARTS - A YEAR IN THE LIFE | CHAPTER 6 - WHO WAITS FOR LOVE?

This a follow-up story to the Selfishness of Our Hearts - entirely available here

Chapter 1  Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Pairing : JongyuUuuuuUUUU Summary : What happened the past two years [Part 4] Genre : Romance, angst and heartbreak.

Word Count : 8 500 words ~

Jinki had been sitting in the same spot for the last fifteen minutes, just looking outside the window. The beautiful yet unusual scenery before him had him captivated, taking his mind off everything it always carried around. Gusts of wind were blowing the swirling snow all around, bringing some light to the darkness of the sky and leaving the streets empty of any human soul. They were probably all peering out of their windows, just like he was, mesmerized, distracted from their everyday life. This weather was a rare occurrence, something unheard of since ages. It was almost surreal, like a wild figment of mother nature’s imagination bestowed upon them. Jinki was grateful for such a view a few weeks into the new year. Everything was getting hidden under piles and piles of snow flakes, hiding every patch of unevenness the ground usually displayed. Outside, everything seemed perfect.

An ache in his neck brought him back to his body, his hand automatically reaching behind it to soothe the stiffness. He wasn’t even his thirties yet, but sometimes he felt like he was already an old man. Sometimes, it felt like he had lived many lives before this one and he was carrying the weight of them in his muscles and his psyche. He had wished many times for a do-over, but he hadn’t yet figured out where the restart button on life was. So he just lived with that burden, every passing day making him want to find a way out of his head. There was a limit to what writing and sleeping could do for him. And it was made even worse when he couldn’t count on these crutches. He had spent the last month restless with thoughts and emotions, unable to figure his way out of the mess he had created. He had wanted to put them all on paper to create his own path to clarity, but every time he had tried to sit down and write, he had been overwhelmed by a sense of fear and dread so strong not even a word had been able to come out of his head. He knew what was blocking him. He was scared of finding out where his mind and feelings would bring him. There was comfort to be found in not knowing, in leaving everything on pause.

He was back to square zero, right where he had left himself a little before he had moved out of the family house. He was once again hiding and reflecting, unable to move. The only thing that was clear to him was that he wasn’t going to flee far away. He was staying right there, close to the only source of happiness he had, just in case. He wasn’t naive enough to think that only because he had hit the brakes that the one he loved hadn’t continued driving down his own path, maybe even finding someone else to share it with along the way.

He was brought back to the broadcast he had listened to two nights ago. He felt a pang in his heart as he remembered how happy Jonghyun had sounded with his special co-host for the night. What made it even worse was that he knew that other guy; Jonghyun had talked about him several times before when he’d shared about his days spent on campus. They seemed to have developed a great friendship and now there was nothing to stop that friendship to grow even more.

Maybe it’s for the best… he thought as he finally moved from the windowsill he had been sitting on. He took out his phone from his pocket and went searching for the little effort he had made to keep in touch. A bitter taste filled his mouth when his eyes stopped again on his unanswered text. I hope you are doing good. Happy holidays. He knew he was wrong for sending such a generic message after what he had done, but he had just wanted to show that he still cared. Part of him had hoped that he would get an answer, even the simplest thing like a Thank you, but there had been nothing. The year had thus ended and started without any communication between them. He couldn’t lie to himself; he was miserable.

A knock on his door had him put his phone down. He was almost happy for the distraction, but part of him wanted to be left alone a while longer. Nonetheless, he walked towards the door and turned the knob. The always joyful face of his father appeared as he pulled it open. Jinki couldn’t help but smile back at him. Despite everything going on, there still was a blessing in his life. He could count on the comforting presence of his father to make things a little better.

‘’ Care to join me for supper? ‘’ the older man asked.

‘’ Of course, dad. I’m sorry I didn’t come down, I hadn’t realized what time it was, ‘’ Jinki explained, embarrassed. He always came down to eat with his father, whether it was for breakfast, lunch or supper. He appreciated every little one of these moments. He always came out of them feeling a little more at peace, even though that feeling lasted only just for a little while.

‘’ Don’t worry about it. I too got a little too distracted by the snow, ‘’ the gray-haired man admitted.

A frown graced Jinki’s face for a split second before he shook his head, laughing. He would never understand how his father always seemed to know what he was up to. ‘’ It’s quite the sight, ‘’ he noted as they made their way down the stairs leading near the dining room. Jinki felt his stomach rumble as a whiff of the food nearby reached his nostrils. One thing he had retrieved ever since he had gone back to stay in the family house was his appetite. It hadn’t been an overnight thing, but he had gradually made an effort to eat more consistently. His father’s shocked and worried expression when he had first set foot in the house had been enough motivation for him. He had realized at that moment how frail he had gotten.

‘’ Yes, we have to cherish these rare wonders the world sometimes offers us, ‘’ his father wisely put as he took seat in front of his plate filled with food.

Jinki did just the same, smiling as he nodded in agreement. ‘’ I don’t think mom and I are the only ones who have a way with words. You always say things that leave me thinking. ‘’

‘’ Well, I think your mom had a lot to do with that. After spending so many years together, there was bound to be things that we transferred to one another, ‘’ the older man remarked before digging his fork into his meal and enjoying a first bite.

Jinki smiled again, but this time, a wave of sadness filled him. A day didn’t pass without him missing his mom. She had been such a light in his life and no one else would ever be this bright in his life again.

‘’ I wish she was still with us, ‘’ he voiced despite himself. He looked down to his plate, moving the food around with his utensil, but not yet bringing it to his lips.

‘’ I think about that every day, but life doesn’t always go how we’d like it to. We can only have control over so much, ‘’ the other observed as his gaze settled on the dark expression of the younger copy of himself.

‘’ Do we actually have control over anything? ‘’ Jinki couldn’t help but question, eyes still on his food.

‘’ You always have control over something, ‘’ the older man answered. ‘’ You can always choose to live your truth, Jinki. ‘’

Jinki lifted his head at those words, brows furrowed. ‘’ What do you mean? ‘’ he inquired as he locked eyes with his father.

His father gave him a small smile. ‘’ As much as I enjoy having you here, I know you didn’t just decide to come live with your old man again just for the sake of it. You are hiding from something, aren’t you? ‘’

Jinki felt himself tense up. ‘’ I’m not hiding… I’m just… I’m just trying to figure things out… ‘’

‘’ And have you? ‘’ his father kept on.

‘’ Not really… I mean… it’s complicated, ‘’ he indicated as he grew more uneasy by the second.

‘’ Too complicated for me to understand? ‘’ the other verified.

Jinki’s eyes darted sideways, unable to bear the scrutiny he was being put under. His right hand let go of his spoon and joined the left one on his jeans to wipe the sweat off his palms. ‘’ It’s not that you can’t understand… it’s just that… you’ll hate me if I tell you. ‘’

His father’s shoulders shook with sudden laughter. ‘’ Jinki, you are my son. My flesh and blood. I could never hate you, ‘’ the old man reassured.

‘’ You can’t say that when you don’t even know what I did, ‘’ the younger one immediately countered.

‘’ I know you, Jinki. You are a good person so whatever bad thing you think you did is probably not even that bad, ‘’ the gray-haired man argued.

‘’ But it is, dad. I can barely live with myself. I thought being on my own would help me be more at peace, but I’m not. ‘’ He had hoped he would never have to expose his father to his sin, but he wasn’t sure he could keep holding on to his secret anymore. His father deserved to know what kind of son he really had.

‘’ On your own? ‘’ the other echoed. ‘’ Were you still seeing Taemin up until now? ‘’ he then inquired.

The question almost had him snorting. ‘’ No, dad. It’s not Taemin… ‘’ The brunette took a deep breath, using that pause as a buffer for what he was about to say. ‘’ I was seeing someone else… someone that you know… ‘’ he hinted, peeling off the first layer.

The older man cocked an eyebrow. ‘’ Another one of your exes? ‘’

‘’ No, dad… I… ‘’ Another deep breath. ‘’ I was seeing… Jonghyun… ‘’ he finally uttered as his whole body turned cold and rigid.

The silence that followed his words made him want to run outside and bury himself under a mountain of snow. He didn’t even dare look at his father in that moment, knowing how disgusted he must be with him.  

‘’ Is that why Kibum didn’t fly in for the holidays? ‘’ his father suddenly wondered as he put down his own utensil.

‘’ Probably… ‘’ Jinki muttered, puzzled by his father’s initial reaction.

‘’ Aaaah… I understand now why you two have been so distant with me for the last few months, ‘’ the older man calmly noted.

Jinki was even more puzzled now. ‘’ Dad, did you even hear what I just said? ‘’ he reminded, eyes back on the one facing him.  

His father sank back into his chair, letting out a long sigh. ‘’ Yes, I did, Jinki. It is a very unfortunate situation, but like I said before, I know you. You are a good person and I know you would’ve never purposely tried to hurt your brother or anyone for that matter, ‘’ he pointed out. ‘’ One of the things we have very little control over are the matters of the heart, ‘’ he went on, giving his son the most understanding look that he could.

Jinki shied away from it. ‘’ It doesn’t matter what my heart felt… what it still feels… I… ‘’ His head dropped forward, ashamed. ‘’ I hurt Kibum, I stole his happiness from him. ‘’

‘’ Yes, he must be heartbroken and it honestly breaks my heart too, but things happen for a reason. I believe that what is meant to happen will happen even if it’s very difficult for all the parties involved, ‘’ his father reasoned.

Jinki knew his father to be an honest man, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to lessen the pain of that horrible confession both for him and for himself.

‘’ You would never be able to say that if you had seen Kibum, ‘’ Jinki stated. ‘’ It feels like I ruined him… ‘’

‘’ You’re right. I have not seen Kibum. But I’m seeing you right now and it looks like you’re ruining yourself, ‘’ his father said, tone heavy with sadness.

Jinki felt his bottom lip quiver. Before he could even regain control over himself, the tears started falling.

‘’ I’m sorry… ‘’ He uttered shakily as shame filled him. He buried his face in his hands, hoping he could just disappear into thin air.

He heard the sound of a chair being pulled back before footsteps clicked on the wooden floor, getting louder and louder with every step. Soon, he was sheltered by his father’s arms, his warm embrace making him feel a little less naked and vulnerable.

‘’ Don’t be sorry… I just want you to be happy, ‘’ his father shared with a heavy heart.

‘’ But... How can I be? This is horrible... ‘’ Jinki pointed out through strangled sobs.

His father pulled back and set his hands on his son's shoulders. ‘’ That's what I thought too when your mother died. I thought I could never find happiness through that ordeal. But I remembered the blessings I still had... ‘’ He squeezed the other's shoulders. ‘’ I still had two sons who needed me and that I needed too if I was ever going to get through this. So I did everything in my power to cultivate that happiness, to make sure you two felt loved. In the end, her not being there had a good side. It made me be a better father to you two. I don't think I would've been so understanding and present had she been there... ‘’

Jinki lifted his head as his sobs turned more quiet. ‘’ I get what you're saying but the situations are not the same. You weren't the cause of her death. ‘’

‘’ And you were not the cause of Gunho's, ‘’ his father immediately threw back. ‘’ Nonetheless, you still hold yourself responsible for that tragedy and you've gone on doing that for every little bad thing that has happened afterwards, ‘’ his father went on as he leaned against the table to look at his son. He caught the surprise on the latter’s face and smiled. ‘’ Bad things sometimes just happen, son. So when are you going to hold on to your blessings? ‘’

Jinki just stared back at his father, speechless. The man had once again given him a lot to think about. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun had been standing in the same spot for the last five minutes, just looking outside the window. He had been trapped on campus all day, studying and attending two classes, barely having a minute to breathe. All the while, the snow hadn’t stopped and he was now staring at the snowflakes falling to join the ones who had already piled up on the streets. Jonghyun stared in awe at all the whiteness that had gathered on the ground, at the magical scenery that made everything seem so pure, so perfect. In that moment, his mind felt light like a feather, the thoughts it usually carried fading into the background. A smile cracked his lips as his gaze caught students throwing snowballs at each other, laughing, seeming carefree. Jonghyun would’ve done the same if he had had any time, but he still had to study for an exam he had the next day in the early afternoon. The semester was an intensive one since he had chosen to take classes during the winter break. He would’ve usually waited for the spring semester to start like most students, but he knew that if he had too much free time on his hands he’d go crazy.

This time around, Jonghyun had decided that Jinki’s departure wouldn’t turn him into a shell of himself. He wasn’t going to destroy what he had going on just because the other had decided to turn his back on their relationship again. He was going to prove to himself that he could figure things out on his own, that he didn’t need anyone to push him forward in life. That was the only silver lining he had managed to see through this whole mess. His pride was thus the only thing that helped him get out of the bed he had occupied alone for more than a month now. He had been tempted several times to go against it and call Jinki, even more so after he had received his text message, but he had promised himself that he wouldn’t beg anymore. If Jinki wanted to be with him, he would have to make the first step and run a whole mile afterwards to be able to get his forgiveness this time.

‘’ Jonghyun, ‘’ a familiar voice suddenly screamed from afar, immediately bringing him back to the present moment and stealing his gaze from the outside world. He turned his head and caught the bright smile of his study mate and occasional broadcast co-planner who was running towards him.

‘’ Yah! Why don’t you answer your damn phone? I was looking everywhere for you, ‘’ his friend loudly reproached as he finally stopped in front of him.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at the other’s dramatic entrance. ‘’ Is there an emergency? ‘’

The one named Jaehyeon huffed before crossing his arms over his chest. ‘’ Yeah, there is. You need to take a break. ‘’

Jonghyun laughed. ‘’ Unfortunately, I still have to study for an exam. ‘’

Jaehyeon echoed his laughter. ‘’ As if you’re not going to ace this exam, anyways. ‘’

‘’ Well, I’m not confident enough to gamble with my results so I’m still going to study, ‘’ Jonghyun replied with a shrug.

‘’ Oh come on, an hour off won’t hurt. You’ve been going non-stop, like have you even celebrated during the holidays? ‘’ his friend bantered, laughing some more.

Jonghyun just smiled, knowing better than to tell his friend the truth. He had in fact not celebrated during the holidays because he had had no one to celebrate with. Minho was the only person he could’ve had a good time with, but he had chosen to lie to him just so the failure that was his relationship wouldn’t be exposed. He knew that if his best friend knew what was going on, he would urge him to break things off. It was actually good advice, but Jonghyun wasn’t yet ready to consider that option. Instead, he had created this story where him and Jinki had spent the whole vacation in a chalet just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face his best friend. And now with all he had to do for school, he had another perfect excuse to make himself elusive. He knew at some point he’d have to stop playing this lying game, but he would keep on as long as he could. This behaviour clearly wasn’t going to make him best friend of the year, but right now, he felt like there was no other way.

‘’ Like seriously, I came all this way, even though I’m on break like every normal student, because that’s the only place one can see you anymore, ‘’ Jaehyeon remarked, his brows furrowing in concern.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ You’re talking like you haven’t seen me in ages. You were on my radio show two days ago. ‘’

‘’ Exactly, I was on your radio show, Jjong. Still something related to school. I mean it was really fun and all, but you know, there is something called life and it can be found outside these four walls, ‘’ Jaehyeon laid out, voice dripping with derision.

‘’ Meh, not interested, ‘’ Jonghyun dismissed before he started walking, heading towards the library.

‘’ Oh, come on, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon protested as he caught up with him.

‘’ You won’t change my mind, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun stated categorically.

‘’ Um… well you kinda have to… ‘’ Jaehyeon said, suddenly embarrassed.

‘’ Oh really, now? Why is that? ‘’ Jonghyun inquired with fake interest as he picked up speed.

The taller one sped up too, determined to get his friend on board. ‘’ Because we are going on a date, ‘’ he answered matter-of-factly to hide his fear.

Jonghyun froze in place, unaware his sudden halt had almost made Jaehyeon trip over his own feet.

‘’ What did you say? ‘’ he slowly uttered after being in utter shock for a few seconds.

A nervous laugh left his friend. ‘’ Look, I know I should’ve told you before, but I tried to call you and text you several times today and you never answered so I’m sorry I have to drop this on you, but we only have like 20 minutes left before we have to meet them so can you please just come with me? ‘’

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow, confusion trampling his terror. ‘’ Who are we meeting? ‘’

Jaehyeon tittered. ‘’ Two girls I met yesterday. ‘’

Jonghyun felt his shoulders sink in relief from knowing that his friend was just being his same old self.

‘’ Good for you, but that has nothing to do with me, ‘’ he squarely noted.

‘’ Yes, it does! ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, tone tinged with panic. ‘’ Let me fill you in real quick, ‘’ he went on, not minding Jonghyun’s annoyed expression. ‘’ I saw this really beautiful brunette and her friend walking in my direction so you know, I just used the old trick of ‘accidentally bumping into her’. So then, I introduced myself and we got to talk for a while and it turned out that they go to our uni! ‘’ the brunette revealed with barely contained excitement.

Jonghyun just gave him a blank look, unimpressed.

‘’ So yeah, during the conversation, her friend mentioned that my voice sounded familiar and then she asked if I had been on your radio show the night before and when I said yes she literally shrieked before sharing that she was your biggest fan and had always wanted to meet you, ‘’ Jaehyeon went on even more energetically as if it would transfer some of his excitement to the one facing him.

Jonghyun’s brows furrowed over his eyes. ‘’ Okay, so let me get this right… You set up a double date without asking me first just so you could score with that other girl? ‘’ he laid out, feeling his body tense up with the onset of anger.  

Jaehyeon gave him a sheepish smile. ‘’ Yeah, kinda… ‘’

Jonghyun had never been the violent type, but in that moment, he felt like he could commit murder. ‘’ I can’t believe you… ‘’ he growled.

The taller one gave him an apologetic smile. ‘’ Look, you don’t have to stay long… ‘’

Jonghyun glared at him, but his anger rapidly dropped. ‘’ I’ll do this for you because you’ve been a great friend to me, ‘’ he complied before taking a step closer towards the other. ‘’ But don’t you ever do this to me again, ‘’ he finished in a chilling tone.

Jaehyeon nervously swallowed. ‘’ Got it. ‘’

‘’ Good. Now, where are we meeting them? ‘’ Jonghyun asked curiously as if he hadn’t just threatened his friend.

‘’ Ah, it’s the café where most students of our uni go to study or chill, ‘’ Jaehyeon indicated. ‘’ You would know if you actually socialized with people here. ‘’

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at the obvious jab. He really didn’t care about making a bunch of insignificant friends just for the sake of showing that he wasn’t alone. ‘’ Okay, just let me put these in my locker first, ‘’ he said as he pointed to his books.

The trip there and the trip back to the entrance gave the brunette time to brace himself for the encounter that was about to come. I just have to make some small talk and then it’s back to the library. That simple statement helped him relax a little more.

‘’ And you know… maybe you can use that opportunity to get some too… ‘’ Jaehyeon said with a chuckle as they stepped outside.

Jonghyun would’ve laughed if that didn’t remind him of how lonely he actually was. His hand had helped him get by all this while, but sometimes, the frustration was so great he felt like he was going to burst. Nonetheless, he wasn’t desperate to the point of seeking comfort in the arms of a woman. Or in anyone else’s for that matter.

‘’ I’m good, thank you, ‘’ he curtly answered. He felt Jaehyeon’s gaze on him, but ignored it.

They walked in silence for the next ten minutes, shivering in turn as the cold wind hit their bodies.

‘’ Okay, it’s right there, ‘’ Jaehyeon finally indicated as he pointed forward.

‘’ Thank god, ‘’ Jonghyun expressed, relieved. The scenery had been beautiful to look at from the inside, but being outside wasn’t enjoyable at all.

‘’ Here we go, ‘’ Jaehyeon uttered before he pushed the door open.

Jonghyun felt his heart rate pick up as they stepped inside. He gave a quick look around. The place had a nice and vintage vibe to it, with its dimmed lights, square wooden tables and cushioned chairs. He looked over at the baristas working and felt a little tinge of nostalgia in his core. But he didn’t have time to linger on it as Jaehyeon suddenly grabbed his arm.

‘’ Okay, I just spotted them. ‘’

Without giving any more indication, Jaehyeon started walking, forcing Jonghyun to follow right behind.

‘’ Hey ladies, ‘’ his friend warmly said as they stopped in front of their table.

The two young women gazed up at them, instantly smiling wide. Jonghyun could’ve guessed which one was a listener of his show. He could practically see hearts in her eyes as she took in his presence. He was almost sorry for her, knowing that he would inevitably have to disappoint.

‘’ Come on, sit, ‘’ she urged as she and her friend removed their bags from the empty seats besides them.

They did just that once they were done removing their coats and scarves.

‘’ So I guess I should make the introductions, ‘’ Jaehyeon said with a smile. ‘’ Jonghyun, this is Seoyeon, ‘’ he started as he fondly looked at the girl to his left.

Jonghyun gave a quick bow. ‘’ Nice to meet you, ‘’ he said to the model-looking brunette. Why am I not surprised…

‘’ And this is… ‘’ Jaehyeon froze as he looked at the petite blonde. ‘’ Sorry, can you remind me your name? ‘’ he asked, embarrassed.

Jonghyun glared once more at his friend for his lack of care.

‘’ I’m Minjee, ‘’ the blonde eagerly filled in before she bowed her head towards him.

Jonghyun reciprocated. ‘’ Nice to meet you too. ‘’

‘’ She talks about you all the time, ‘’ her friend exposed with a little laugh.

Minjee shot her friend a deadly glare, missing the uneasy expression on Jonghyun’s face. ‘’ I don’t… I just talk about the show a lot, because you address some very interesting subjects, ‘’ she explained as her gaze went down to the table.

Jonghyun fondly smiled at her embarrassed stance. ‘’ What was your favorite show? ‘’

Minjee looked up in surprise. ‘’ Oh… that’s a great question… ‘’ she pondered out loud.

‘’ The last one was pretty awesome in my opinion, ‘’ Jaehyeon threw in with confidence.

Jonghyun kept himself from rolling his eyes. ‘’ Yeah, it was nice talking about lighter stuff for once, ‘’ he admitted.

‘’ Yeah, but I actually love when you’re sharing your thoughts on serious topics, ‘’ Minjee shared. ‘’ I still can’t stop thinking of that one show where you talked about mental health. I think it helped a lot of people be okay with their own issues, ‘’ she went on passionately.

Jonghyun smiled again as his body filled with warmth. He was happy to know his work had some kind of impact. ‘’ I’m glad you enjoy my show. It means a lot, ‘’ he voiced, beyond grateful.

‘’ I’m not really into listening to radio shows, but I might give yours a chance. I think it’s admirable that you’d touch on such subjects, ‘’ Seoyeon indicated as she gave him an intent look.

‘’ Why don’t we order some drinks, huh? ‘’ Jaehyeon abruptly interjected.

Jonghyun gave his friend a quick look as he tried to keep himself from laughing. Clearly, Jaehyeon didn’t like that all the attention was on him.

‘’ Yes, we should before they kick us out, ‘’ Jonghyun agreed as he grabbed a menu.

A few minutes later, they all fell back into conversation, their hot drinks set before them. Fortunately for Jaehyeon, the discussions took another turn and soon enough, things looked like they were going to go his way. Seoyeon was leaning into him a bit more and laughing at his every word at this point. On his side, Jonghyun tried to take genuine interest in Minjee. He learned that she was in the Visual Arts program and that she liked playing the violin amongst other things. Jonghyun couldn’t help but think that if he had been into women, he probably would’ve been attracted to her. Unfortunately, all he could offer was his friendship.

‘’ So what are you going to talk about tomorrow on the show? ‘’ Minjee asked after she had done sharing her favorite pieces of classical music.

‘’ Hmm… I don’t know yet, actually, ‘’ Jonghyun admitted with a chuckle. ‘’ Do you have any requests? ‘’

Minjee’s eyes widened. ‘’ Um… No, I… I’ll be interested in whatever you have to say, ‘’ she indicated as a light blush crept up her cheeks.

Jonghyun gave her a sweet smile. ‘’ Well, I hope I don’t disappoint, because I was thinking of freestyling again and maybe taking some calls for a change, ‘’ he informed.

‘’ You could never disappoint, ‘’ she instantly countered. ‘’ I think taking calls might be really interesting. People will be happy to have a chance to talk to you, even if just for a little while, ‘’ she went on, ecstatic.

‘’ I guess so, ‘’ Jonghyun softly acknowledged before taking another sip of his coffee. That quick break in conversation suddenly reminded him that he still had to study for his upcoming exam. He gave a quick look over at Jaehyeon and Seoyeon who were still in their own little world. He subtly tried to get their attention by clearing his throat, but that didn’t work. So he used the rough, but effective option: a kick under the table.

Jaehyeon winced in pain before finally turning his head towards him. ‘’ What? ‘’ he angrily uttered.

Jonghyun briefly shot daggers at him. ‘’ I’m sorry, but I have to leave now, ‘’ he then told all three. He instantly felt Minjee’s disappointment, but tried not to be fazed by it.

‘’ Aaaw, really? ‘’ the long-haired brunette expressed with a pout.

Jonghyun knew that her disappointment wasn’t for his departure, but because he would be leaving her friend unattended. ‘’ Yes, I have to study for an exam… ‘’ he shared apologetically.

‘’ Maybe Minjee could walk you back to the school, ‘’ Jaehyeon conveniently proposed.

Jonghyun just stared at his friend in disbelief. ‘’ There’s no need to… ‘’ he turned down as lightly as he could.

‘’ It’s fine, we should be heading back home anyways… I heard more snow is going to come down tonight, ‘’ Seoyeon pointed out.

Minjee just nodded, clearly still crushed by the abrupt ending to their moment.

‘’ But… ‘’ Jaehyeon started, but he quickly shut his mouth as he locked eyes with his friend again.

Jonghyun was the first to push his chair back and get up. A few seconds later, they had all put on their outdoor clothing and were making their way to the front to pay.

‘’ I’ve got this, ‘’ Jaehyeon indicated as he grinned at Seoyeon.

Jonghyun kept himself from rolling his eyes once again, but was instantly grateful that his forced outing wasn’t going to cost him a thing. Soon after the bill was taken care of, they all stepped out into the cold. They naturally fell into pairs, Jaehyeon and Seoyeon being only a few steps away from them. Jonghyun caught when the brunette took his friend’s phone to put in her number, making him nervously look back at the blonde facing him.

‘’ Don’t worry, I won’t do the same, ‘’ Minjee immediately reassured as they locked eyes.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow, confused. ‘’ Eh? ‘’

Minjee gave him a small smile. ‘’ You already have a girlfriend, don’t you? ‘’

Jonghyun’s eyes widened for a split second, before he gathered himself. ‘’ Um… yeah… ‘’ he answered.

‘’ What gave it away? ‘’ he then inquired, curious.

‘’ I don’t know… I could feel you being guarded… ‘’ she shared as she looked down to the snow. ‘’ And plus, why wouldn’t you be already taken? ‘’ she added with a little laugh.

‘’ I’m sorry, ‘’ he instantly apologized. He knew none of this was his fault, but he still felt bad.

‘’ Don’t be. I’m just really grateful and happy to have met you, ‘’ Minjee said as she looked up to him again.

‘’ Same here, ‘’ Jonghyun echoed with a wide smile.

Minjee smiled back before walking over to her friend. Jonghyun waved goodbye to both of them as Jaehyeon found his way back besides him. The latter waved too before they started walking the other way.

‘’ Well, I think one more date should be enough to seal the deal, ‘’ Jaehyeon noted mischievously.  

Jonghyun looked at his friend with disgust. ‘’ Is that all you care about? ‘’

‘’ Of course not! ‘’ Jaehyeon practically yelled as he took offense. ‘’ She’s really cool and all, but sex is important too don’t you think? ‘’

I wouldn’t know… ‘’ Whatever, ‘’ Jonghyun sighed. ‘’ Where’s my thank you? ‘’

‘’ Thank you, Jjong. I really appreciate what you did for me tonight, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly said. ‘’ Although… I wish you would’ve gotten her number too… ‘’ he observed with a pout.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ Who says I didn’t? ‘’

‘’ From what I saw, you weren’t in chase mode, you were in polite mode, ‘’ the taller one shared. ‘’ Not your type, huh? ‘’

Jonghyun’s lips stretched in a brief smile. ‘’ Not exactly… ‘’

‘’ So what’s your type then? ‘’ Jaehyeon asked with a newfound enthusiasm.

Jonghyun looked down to the fresh snow, concentrating on his every step for a while. He wanted to keep the silence going on forever, but he could feel his friend’s intent gaze on him.

He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, making his friend do the same. ‘’ Men, ‘’ he simply answered before he started walking again.

‘’ Wha-what? ‘’ Jaehyeon stuttered in shock.

‘’ I’m attracted to men, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun reiterated, feeling like a weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. He was used to keeping that secret from most people he knew, but he had started feeling uneasy keeping that information from someone he had come to spend so much time with. Someone that he genuinely appreciated despite some of his irritating behaviors.

A long silence followed his words and that was enough to make him anticipate the worse. Jaehyeon never fell silent.

‘’ Look, I understand if you can’t be around me anymore… I get it, ‘’ Jonghyun voiced to give his friend an easier way out.

It was now Jaehyeon’s turn to stop walking. Jonghyun looked at him, scared. ‘’ I don’t care, Jjong. It’s cool if you’re gay… I mean it’s fine, ‘’ he let out nervously.

‘’ You sure? ‘’ Jonghyun verified, doubtful.  

‘’ I mean… I wasn’t expecting that at all, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a great friend, so yeah, I’m sure, ‘’ Jaehyeon expressed more confidently. He then looked straight into Jonghyun’s eyes and smiled.

The latter smiled back, relieved. ‘’ Thanks, Jae. ‘’

‘’ You know me, I’m the best friend one could ever ask for, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly boasted.

Minho’s image came into Jonghyun’s mind, but he quickly pushed it away. ‘’ Okay, don’t get too full of yourself now… ‘’ he advised, chuckling.

‘’ It’s just the truth… ‘’ Jaehyeon pointed out as they instinctively started walking again. ‘’ So, do you have a boyfriend then? ‘’ he naturally asked.

Jonghyun felt his heart skip a beat. I should’ve known… ‘’ Um… it’s complicated… ‘’

‘’ Oooh, complicated… I like that! Tell me more, ‘’ Jaehyeon kept on, mind in full inquisitive mode.

‘’ I think that’s enough sharing for tonight, ‘’ Jonghyun replied, feeling his hands getting sweaty inside his pockets.

‘’ Oh come on… you can’t leave me hanging like that, ‘’ the other whined.

‘’ Yes, I can, ‘’ Jonghyun threw back categorically.  

‘’ So I’m just never going to know what’s going on? ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, frustrated.

‘’ Probably, yeah, ‘’ Jonghyun curtly answered.

I don’t even know what’s going on.

 _______________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki looked up to the clock that was in his room.

7:57. Only 3 more minutes…

He felt his palms get sweaty as he then stared at his screen. His eyes stayed fixed on the banner of the radio show, Jonghyun’s smiling face making his heart race. He had decided to heed his father’s advice. He was going to hold on to his blessings. At first, he hadn’t known how he was going to go about it, but fortunately Jonghyun had provided him with the solution. He still wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but he had at least more chances of getting an answer. There was nothing keeping him from going back to their apartment, but he didn’t want to force his return on the other; he had taken enough decisions for them both already.

8:00.

Jinki gave a quick look to his left to make sure his father’s cellphone was still besides him. He had had enough sense to realize that using his own would’ve ruined his plan immediately. He then quickly put his earphones in. The soft and familiar sound of Jonghyun’s voice made him feel warm all over. He closed his eyes to better focus on it, making everything else disappear. By the time the jingle started playing, Jinki felt his nerves take over again. He knew he had to make up for so much, but a big part of him was scared he wouldn’t even have a chance to.

‘’ Okay, so as I had announced on my website, I’m taking calls tonight. You can ask me any question, about anything, but please make sure it’s respectful. ‘’

Jinki felt his chest squeeze. In about a few seconds, he would be one of them.

‘’ Ah, I’m glad so many of you in the chat room think it’s a great idea, ‘’ Jonghyun warmly voiced.

The brunette held his breath as the other went on to say that the line was now open. He picked up the phone, but didn’t press the call button right away. He knew it would be best to just get it over with, but fear had him paralyzed.

Jonghyun’s voice caught his attention again. ‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’

‘’ Hi! My name is Joonwoo. I listen to your show every time. Thanks for letting us call you, ‘’ the young sounding man enthusiastically expressed.

‘’ Hi, Joonwoo. It’s my pleasure. Thank you so much for your support. What is your question? ‘’

‘’ Um… well… These days, I feel like I don’t know if I’m on the right path. Do you have any tips to deal with uncertainty? ‘’

Jinki felt his heart skip a beat at the sound of Jonghyun’s laugh.

‘’ Aish, I knew you guys would hit me with the big life questions… ‘’ the latter then said. ‘’ First of all, I want to say that I think it’s normal to deal with that kind of feeling at some point in our lives. I think it can be pretty healthy actually, because to me, if you are never feeling uncertain, you never have the opportunity to re-evaluate what you are doing and change. Our minds and bodies are smart and they give us signals all the time and we should listen to them as best as we can. If you are not sure you are on the right path then maybe you aren’t or maybe you are, but something about the way you are going about it isn’t right yet. So I think the first step would just be to analyze when that feeling of uncertainty shows up, like is it every hour of the day or is it just when you partake in this or that activity. It might help you identify the cause. Also pay attention to the things that excite you, that you naturally want to do. Usually, everything feels right in those moments so that might help you know what you need to incorporate more into your life. And if you’re completely confused about everything, I’d say try something new. Sometimes, it’s no use doing more of the same. Maybe you haven’t encountered your path yet so go find it out there. ‘’

As the last words left the other, Jinki felt like he had just fallen even more in love with him. That was great advice.

‘’ Wow, thank you so much. That really helps, JjongD, ‘’ the caller said.

‘’ I really hope it does. ‘’

There was a brief pause before Jonghyun started talking again.

‘’ Oh wow, there are so many callers… I might have to make my answers shorter if I want to be able to talk to you all, ‘’ he indicated with another laugh.

Jinki felt his heart sink. Shit. He quickly unlocked the phone, pressed the call button and put it on speakerphone. He heard ringing before an automated message said ‘’ Please hold, your call will be answered as soon as possible. ‘’ His leg started shaking. I really hope so…

In the meantime, he kept on listening to distract himself and to get more wisdom from the one he loved. He was surprised that there were so many questions about mental health being asked, but he was glad that Jonghyun’s show was providing young people a space to be able to discuss that topic.  

‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ he asked again for the trillionth time.

‘’ Hi! This is Minjee! I don’t know if you remember me… ‘’ a young woman answered.

‘’ Of course I do! I’m so glad you called. What’s your question? ‘’ Jonghyun inquired joyfully.

‘’ Maybe it’s going to sound silly, but… what’s the thing you are the most grateful for? ‘’ she asked.

Jinki felt his heart rate speed up.

‘’ Hmm… that’s a great question, actually. I’ll be honest with you, my mind usually goes down the negative route so a lot of times it’s really hard for me to see it, but I seriously have a lot to be grateful for. I think above anything else, I would have to say that it’s the people who have been and are there for me… I’ve had the chance to always have someone be my backbone and help me get through life… ‘’ Jonghyun took a deep breath. ‘’ And I think that without that, things could’ve gone very wrong for me… ‘’

‘’ I’m glad you are well surrounded, JjongD. You deserve it, ‘’ the young woman replied.

‘’ Sometimes I feel like I don’t, but thank you for saying that. ‘’

Jinki felt a pang in his heart. You deserve everything, Jjong…

The call was followed by a song break, giving him time to stress out again. Maybe he won’t even have time to take my call… Maybe he’ll just hang up if he hears my voice… Shit, this was such a bad idea… Maybe I should hang u-

‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ Jonghyun said once again.

Jinki froze. There was an echo to his voice. He gazed down to his phone.

‘’ Hello? ‘’

There was no doubt about it now. Jinki quickly took his earphones out and picked up the phone with his sweaty hand. He knew he had to speak up or he would definitely lose his chance.

‘’ Yes… hi… ‘’ he uttered feebly.

There was a pause, a fear-spiking pause.

‘’ Do you… do you have a question for me…? ‘’ he finally heard on the other end.

Jinki felt slightly relieved. ‘’ Yeah so… I thought you might be able to answer this one… ‘’ He cleared his throat, feeling his chest constrict. ‘’ Do you believe in second chances? Or actually, third chances…? ‘’ he awkwardly got out before chewing on his bottom lip.

There was another pause, an endless one.

‘’ It depends on what the person has done… I think people can be forgiven for their mistakes, but there is a point of no return that can be reached if there is a lack of trust and respect… ‘’  

Jinki could only nod to himself, his throat clenched shut.

‘’ Thank you for your call, ‘’ Jonghyun said before hanging up.

Jinki slowly lowered the phone away from his ear before he hung up too. The chewing had stopped and he could now feel his lip trembling. His body knew before his mind could catch up and when it did, he burst out crying like he had never let himself before. Everything was pouring out of him and by the time his sobbing quieted, he felt like an empty shell.

He gave a quick look to the screen and saw that the show had ended 10 minutes ago. He suddenly felt ridiculous for thinking that his plan was going to change anything. He felt ridiculous for thinking that he could get another chance. He slowly got up from his chair and started walking straight to his bed, hoping to erase all of this with some sleep. But a buzzing sound had him look back to his desk. He ran to his phone on instinct and picked it up.

‘’ Hello? ‘’ he said, heart racing.

‘’ What the fuck, Jinki? ‘’

The racing pace became a thrumming one inside his chest as his ear was met again with the sound of the other’s voice. He was sure his heart would burst at any point now.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’

A long and heavy silence filled the distance between them.

‘’ I don’t… I don’t even know what to say to you right now… ‘’

Jinki could hear in his voice that he was tense. He’s still trying to spare my feelings…

‘’ If you need to yell at me, yell at me, ‘’ he replied.

His words were followed by a sigh. ‘’ I’m not going to yell at you through the phone. I just wanted to know why’d you do something so stupid… ‘’

‘’ Because I’m stupid… ‘’ He closed his eyes, shameful. ‘’ On so many levels… ‘’ He added in a whisper.

Another sigh came through. ‘’ What I told you on the broadcast… I meant it. ‘’

Jinki felt his throat tighten again. ‘’ I know. ‘’

‘’ I haven’t been waiting around for you like a little puppy. I’ve been living my life, ‘’ Jonghyun calmly indicated.

‘’ As you should… ‘’ Jinki acknowledged, not without sorrow.

‘’ If you are coming back, I’m not going to be so welcoming like last time, ‘’ the younger one went on confidently.

‘’ I get it… I’m not coming back if you don’t want me to… ‘’

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ It’s your apartment, isn’t it? ‘’

Jinki felt another pang in his heart. ‘’ No, it’s our home, ‘’ he rectified.

A long, dead silence followed, making the older one feel even worse.

‘’ Why did you call? ‘’ Jonghyun finally said at the other end.

‘’ You didn’t answer my last text so that’s the only way I figured out to be able to talk to you… ‘’ Jinki answered, uneasy.

‘’ Of course I didn’t answer that text… it was stupid, insulting even, ‘’ Jonghyun retorted. ‘’ How could you wish me happy holidays when you knew damn well that wouldn’t be the case? ‘’ he went on, voice raspy with anger.

Jinki swallowed hard. ‘’ I… I guess I thought you’d have spent some nice time with Minho…. ‘’

‘’ I didn’t see Minho, ‘’ Jonghyun sharply informed.

A frown creased the other one’s brow. ‘’ Why? ‘’

‘’ Because I would’ve had to tell him what was going on and if I had done that, he would’ve told me something that I am not yet ready to hear, ‘’ Jonghyun explained, his last words almost coming out in a whisper.

Jinki felt his heart rate pick up. ‘’ Which is? ‘’

Jonghyun sighed again. ‘’ To break things off with you… ‘’

The other’s heart fluttered this time. ‘’ But you don’t want to… ‘’ he slowly voiced.

‘’ No… not yet, anyways, ‘’ the younger one indicated.

‘’ So what does this mean? ‘’ Jinki inquired, unable to stop himself from being hopeful.

‘’ It means that we… are not over… ‘’ Jonghyun started carefully. ‘’ But, I’m not ready to see you yet, ‘’ he finished, more assured.

Jinki felt his chest tighten. The hope had suddenly vanished. ‘’ Okay… ‘’ he said, crushed.

‘’ Okay then… I’m going to hang up now… ‘’ Jonghyun awkwardly announced.

‘’ Wait! ‘’ Jinki exclaimed as fear spiked inside him.

‘’ Yes? ‘’

‘’ I… ‘’ Jinki took a deep breath, centering himself on what mattered. ‘’ I love you, Jjong, ‘’ he expressed with all the love and care he could convey at that moment.

Another long silence followed, making the fear grow inside him once more.

‘’ Goodnight, Jinki, ‘’ was all Jonghyun said before hanging up.

The abrupt ending to their conversation was the final trigger to make Jinki lose all his composure. The tears welled up in his eyes as he dropped his phone on the floor. He tried to wipe them off immediately to erase any trace of weakness, but they spilled forth like an endless flow. After a few more seconds, he stopped fighting and accepted the reality that he was in.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

AFF Link~

[nehawriter16]

2018, THE YEAR THAT BROKE ME

I’m currently sitting on the floor of my bedroom. It’s been a day of avoiding real work and responsibilities, but then again, escapism is kind of the theme of this year, so it’s only accurate that I’m here writing this.

Everybody is asleep, except me. And the men I like who live overseas, but they’ve been ignoring me, so I have no desire to ring them up despite the general despair and loneliness I feel. But let’s not begin our round up with boys, because although they rank high on my list of important life lessons/disappointments this year, I don’t want also want to give them the satisfaction of first place.

In the last 365 days, a lot about my life changed. I’m going to try to sum it up as best as I can.

1) In the beginning of December, I quit an internship that anybody else would have killed for. The work and constant travelling and being yelled at by crude seniors broke the delicate petal that I am. I’d landed that job at 19, and I loved that I was thrown into the adult world so early because it taught me a lot, but two years of showing up every day to do something I don’t love killed something inside of my brain. And so, I decided to take a month off and then move to a smaller firm, not realising that my job at EY would help to keep my sanity by keeping me occupied.

The first few weeks were bliss. After twelve hour work days, I suddenly had a lot of free time and I indulged in attending fun trainings and catching up with old friends. For a short second, life was filled with hope, up until my birthday in mid Jan.

2) Since I now had the luxury of lesser work hours, I decided to pursue one of my biggest dreams – writing a book. I already had the story in mind, and I thought that despite the emotional turmoil that revisiting some of the memories would bring, the bigger picture would be worth it. It’s almost the end of December now, and I’m still sure it is.

But the truth is – my relationship with A blossomed in 2016, and died a premature death in mid 2017. And I’ve been dragging it through the ground for longer than I should be. Sometimes I wonder if I’m solely responsible for squeezing it for the story. Or maybe it was the kind of love you can’t forget. Well, I can’t. I’m sure he has.

But one of the hardest things about writing this has been taking myself back to when we were falling for each other. I’ve been reading emails about hopes and dreams and forever after it has already ended. And how do you write about happiness when you know there isn’t going to be any? All this is important for the narrative, yes, but it fucks with my mental health so badly. 2016 me was naive and trusting. 2018 me is bitter, and not too thrilled about revisiting those moments mostly because of how much they hurt just to think about, forget turning them into an interesting cliff hanger filled story.    

I have almost finished writing it though, and that’s what’s the more important thing. I don’t know what kind of nightmares publishing and finding an agent and royalties is going to bring, but at least I will have created something tangible and coherent instead of this faraway thing that I’ve dreamt of since I was 13.

3) I tanked my CA Final – and this was the biggest disappointment, no surprises there. More than the gallons of self loathing it brought on me, it was about the burden I created for my parents. Yesterday my mother, in a burst of anger, said, “If you don’t pass in May, you can’t live under our roof anymore.” She doesn’t know this, and she probably never will, but I cried myself to sleep because that thought terrifies me.

I feel like I am already just swimming through a rubble of guilt. Most people my age have already gotten well paying jobs and have been living out of home for years now. They are financing themselves and starting businesses and I don’t even read the newspaper on a daily basis. I lack the self control I used to have in school, or maybe my mother’s constant nagging and being up my ass was the only way I stayed successful when I was younger.

Of course, this career choice was a MASSIVE bad decision, and I’ve always felt out of place in it. I will never be the best, but I really do need to pass and finish. If I can’t pass it again, I will literally sink into unconquerable depression that no amount of therapy and medicines will be able to pull me out of.

I’m supposed to start studying from the 1st, and I hope that it doesn’t drive me FUCKING INSANE like the last time it did, because this time, the pressure is higher and time, lesser.

I still have some grit left in me though. The last two months of this year have been difficult, but creatively fulfilling, and I am okay with having to go back to analytical subjects again. I feel sane enough to drop into the mental battlefield that is the CA Final syllabus.  

 4) I’m 23 in a fortnight, and at least 5 of my friends got engaged this year. I was the oldest in school in my batch so they’re all younger than me. This whole finding a boy thing is stressing me the fuck out, because as per my calculations, it would take a year of courting for me to so much as like somebody seriously. After that, it would take two years for me to try every possible method to drive him away, and torture him with all my hamartias, and THEN if he doesn’t leave, and when he proposes, I’ll be like, “Okay fine. Maybe we can be engaged.” This whole process takes 3 years. I want to be married at 26, so I only have those many. The problem is that in this time period, it will not only be difficult to find an emotionally available boy with a pretty face – WAIT, for him to find me, because women don’t do the chasing – who is also sexy and charming and reads poetry and has a sensible head on his shoulders. No, in this time period I will also be taking solely career-oriented decisions as one must, and love will always take the backseat. I want to move abroad in 2020 and he may live somewhere else, and it’s clear from my several failed attempts that I can’t do long distance. Also to be noted that you cannot try this experiment with different men simultaneously. It’s sort of a one lab rat at a time type of test.

So what, then? Fuck feelings, and only be serious with hook ups? I think I’ve filled my 2018 with at least a two dozen of those hot but dumb types (tall, abs, rolling in money, half a brain, bonus if they’re good kissers, but you can never date them seriously) and to be honest I’m getting tired of them. First of all, they’re all pussies about the poetry, it literally frightens them which I find kind of hilarious, but it’s also annoying. Sure, we can roll a joint and make out on my terrace, and they’ll just pull up when I find myself getting even the least bit lonely, but the ones I really like – the fuckboys who I see have real turning into boyfriend potential – they live abroad. It’s so cliché, I might vomit, but they literally live in London and New York. London Boy is only here for a month and then he’s gone. New York one may stay back, but he always wants to meet after midnight and there’s no fucking way my parents are allowing that.

And let’s face it, I’m a relationship girl. Sure, I’ve picked up some skills with hooking up and if we’re being honest I don’t really have to make an effort, just pick a half-interesting loser from the hundred DM’s sitting in my Instagram, and it’s done. He does the work and buys the drinks. I put out. I ghost. It’s practically a system.

But I’m bored now. I need somebody entertaining. But no matter what, one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt this year is to never settle for less than what I deserve. (At least for my heart. My body gets it when she likes it, and thats enough.) So I say no to…well, everybody. True love has literally been evading me, and may for a while, I think until this CA shit is done, because it’s more important anyway.

Until then, I literally have a broadcast list called, “FWB.”

4) Do I even need to write about fake friends? Girls are so fucking FAKE NICE, it irritates me. And I have a great group of these girls in my life, who want nothing more than to use you as a stool to get to where they want. I have very few real friends and I’m so grateful for them (okay, her) because everybody else is just about the temporary bullshit. I am always afraid of judgement with them, and everything I say comes with a “what will they think of me?” filter. I don’t think real friendships should be like that at all. No, in a true friendship, you should be able to take both – your make up and fake bitch mask off and sit around in sweats, drinking and complaining about everything that’s wrong with your life.

Is this really how adults act? Will I always have to worry about the ulterior motives of everybody new I meet? And even scarier, if I spend enough time around them, will I also turn into a self centered asshole with no backbone? Will I forget who I am and start adapting to the social settings into which I’ve been thrust?

Because I hope not. Despite everything that’s happened this year, and despite almost losing my mind to mental health (yes! A thing I am still not ready to talk about! But someday will be!) I actually like my brain and what its capable of, once it starts trying. I like the stuff I come up with, the way my thoughts come out as sentences. I am actually a fan of the voice in my head, who – let’s face it – has been a real ass friend to me also. Even though she kind of went crazy with the depression, but I think the recovery has begun.

2018 was a fucking shithole, and god, I fell deep. I know 2019 is going to be even harder but I hope it is filled with more genuine happiness because it’s been a long time since I felt “happiness” as a permanent, internal feeling. It’s just been more of a fleeting and momentary thing for a few hours before the sadness envelopes me and takes lead.

So I hope that when I speak to you in – and over – the next 365 day period that’s about to begin, I am able to share some more hope and joy with you. I hope the motherfucker I’m going to marry stops sitting around on his ass and finds me, because I’m ready for my heart to be won over again. I have mourned enough, and fucked half the high spirits crowd. But most of all… I hope this book I’ve written does well. Not just because it’s a brilliant piece of shit, and a beautiful fucking story (if I may say so myself) but mostly because I really like clothes and I could use the money.

Also it would be great to stop feeling so mediocre all the time, so yeah. That would be nice. Will keep you updated Tumblr!

Love,

NC