#otherwise everything's just in my mind which leads to a lot of doubt

[deity-journal]

I've been getting a little obsessed with Zeus lately... Literally anything that's about him, myth, fictional Zeus (like in Epic for example), animals, anything

Also felt a heavier energy today during that five minutes obsession where I was kinda consuming everything that I could find and heard a chuckle in my mind, a deep one, not Apollon's higher one

And I'm sure it wasn't Poseidon, Poseidon's energy feels like it's weighing me down everytime he's there (which isn't often) and Poseidon is quiet as a mouse too; most of the time he's just there for maybe a minute or two, checking on me and then leaves again without uttering a word or making a single sound

And today's energy that might have been Zeus' felt heavy but also comfy? Similar to Apollon's but heavier/stronger I guess

[theshiftingcafe]

⇢ ˗ˏˋ shifting pick a pile ✧˖°࿐ ꒰"what are me and my s/o like in my dr?"꒱

hello! welcome to the shifting cafe!

for today's session, we'll be tackling about what exactly your dr s/os want to tell you all right now in general and in regard to shifting.

i know a lot of you must be currently missing your s/os, so, i hope this simple pick a pile brings you excitement and more motivation to shift.

REMEMBER: TAKE WHAT REASONATES, LEAVE WHAT DOESNT

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵

pick from at least one of these pictures:

∘₊✧───────────── pile 1 ─────────────✧₊∘

ok this pile is soooo cute to me. i’m lowkey getting forbidden love vibes? also maybe even sunshine x grumpy! i just get this vibe that you two are slightly polar opposites from each other yet still get along so well.

despite everything happening around you; no matter what your statuses, differences, and inequalities are, there’s no doubt that your dr s/o is always going to be by your side no matter what–especially through tough times. i see this pile to be a very mature relationship. they’re ready to help you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders–maybe even just carry it for you all together–just as much as you would for them. is your s/o older than you? perhaps not just physically, but more on emotionally. i see your relationship being full of trust and respect, given equally to each other of course. they have this very mature energy lingering over them that is endearing and comfortable, so rest assured, you’re in very good hands.

you dr s/o is not afraid of showering you with love at all despite there being restrictions if ever there are any. they radiate an artistic and warm energy and show their love for you in the most creative ways possible. like, your s/o just loves you so so so much! they go all out with their, well what they call as “small”, gestures. i see they might even consider stuff like starting a family with you or perhaps you already scripted to have a family with them which is adorable omg!!

one of you might be leading with your head, while the other leads with their heart, and that usually causes some miscommunications, conflicts, and clashing opinions. the cards remind you that it’s perfectly normal when people don’t see eye to eye, what matters most is how you resolve it. which i see you guys don’t really have much trouble with. you and your s/o are so harmonious, small petty fights usually end pretty easily and resolve immediately. which just proves more how emotionally connected you and your s/o are and how emotionally mature this relationship is.

i feel like most of you really have big doubts when it comes to love. whether it be because of old wounds that never healed completely, or fear of what could be itself, the cards tell you to breathe and learn to take risks when giving love another chance. yes, you’ve already learnt what not to do and what to avoid when it comes to love, but, never let that build up walls that shelter you so much that you won't get to experience it. you’re deserving of love. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

never restrict your foolishly in love heart from chasing after what it wants, even if it doesn’t end the way it wants to. because, eventually, you’ll trip and fall into the right arms. but of course, think before leaping in blind. trust your mind, your heart, but also, most importantly, trust your soul. the trials and tribulations will all be worth it.

•------------------------------------------------------------•

that is all pile 1! thank you so much for stopping by the shifting cafe and spending this session with me. i hope to see you all again soon. happy shifting!

•------------------------------------------------------------•

∘₊✧───────────── pile 2 ─────────────✧₊∘

hmm, ok, this pile is very interesting to me. it seems this reading is actually for 2 types of shifters; those with s/os and those without. but first, let me give the reading for those with s/os.

do you happen to be shifting to a fame dr? maybe a dr where you, your dr s/o, or both of you are very well respected and have a certain reputation to uphold. a reputation that could be broken and twisted by anyone–both a blessing and a curse. i can really see the quote “in the death of their reputation, they felt truly alive.” fitting in this pile.

i’m seeing so many restrictions with this pile. one of you or both of you is withdrawing affection and energy from this relationship. not in the way that you or they don’t want to give it, because it’s taking you or their whole will power to hold back, but because there’s something in the way of it all. this act isn’t exactly an act of passion, but rather, an act of security. you want to protect each other, yet can’t freely love each other by doing so. which is quite a pickle itself.

all you and your s/o want is a warm home with a sincere relationship where you could be free to be who you want to be and love the way you want to, but it almost feels like everyday, the world turns against both of you. i’m not gonna sugar coat anything for this reading; it’s gonna be hard. it’s gonna be hard, confusing, scary, disappointing, and sometimes you’re gonna have doubts. but never ever let them make you regret your journey.

that’s just the reality of shifting; it’s real life. you’re gonna go through struggles, you’re gonna disappear for a while, you’re gonna go through it all. but, just when you think all hope is lost, people you love the most are gonna be there for you. they’re gonna stay by your side, especially your dr s/o, and help carry most–if not all–of the pressure of the world off your shoulders. taking even a small break would help. not just for when you’re in your cr, but also when you’re in your dr. you’re probably scared about something. could it be fear that you won't be enough for your s/o? maybe you feel like you’re going to be too much for them. look, let me give you a little pep talk; if they truly love you, they’re going to accept every part of you. and i mean every part. the good and the bad. and i’m sure you’re a great person who deserves all the love from the people you love.

if ever you happen to stumble upon this pick-a-pile but you don’t have an s/o yet still felt drawn to this pile, the cards tell you that you don’t ever need to be pressured into a relationship. you don’t have to feel pressured to persuade anyone in your dr or script an s/o for yourself when you don’t want to, even if everyone tells you to do so. it’s your dr, and it’s your feelings. you can’t force love. and this applies not only to you, but to everyone else.

•------------------------------------------------------------•

that is all pile 2! thank you so much for stopping by the shifting cafe and spending this session with me. i hope to see you all again soon. happy shifting!

•------------------------------------------------------------•

∘₊✧───────────── pile 3 ─────────────✧₊∘

the moment i started the reading for this pile, i instantly thought about adrenaline inducing scenarios and maybe even a bit of danger, yet also just slow sunday mornings and sun lit rooms? do you happen to be shifting to a superhero dr? maybe a dr that’s labeled as dangerous to some if not most people? i’m also getting a partner in crime type of trope/enemies to lovers trope vibe for this pile, which is super cool if it’s accurate!

you and your dr s/o are literally each other’s safe space, and there isn’t more or less to it.

one of you isn’t particularly fond of being flashy or adventurous. they’re mostly a rule follower and very rarely ever expresses their ideas. however, you can count on them at all times, and best believe they would break every single rule in the book for their other half. this person is stable, practical, and of course, loyal. the other, however, is the opposite. they’re flashy, adventurous, and not afraid to voice out their opinions. always ready to set an idea and follow it, no matter what anyone says. making them a perfect match! they’re the literal definition of left brain and right brain, perfectly balancing each other’s intuition and intellect.

one of you, if not both, has acts of service at their top love language–both giving and receiving. one of you needs help reaching something above the shelves? the other will get it, don’t worry. one of you need help putting on their jewelry? the other will immediately be behind to help clip the necklace on. one of you feel hungry? the other will pick up either the phone for takeout or cook the meal. one of you feel exhausted? the other will be there 24/7 ready to do whatever it was the other didn’t get to do and let them rest.

you guys just enjoy each other's company, even when it’s doing absolutely nothing together. whether it be in the middle of a chaotic crowd in a hustling and bustling situation, or with no one else but each other in a quiet empty space, you guys cherish every single moment of it. you’re ready to accept each other's sweet nothings and bitter everything, which is everyone’s dream!

i feel like most of you really chose this trope because most of you came from a very dysfunctional place and just want to be comforted after a long tiring day. this pile has to be the most comforting reading i’ve ever done. like, literally! that fuzzy warm feeling in my chest and everything! whatever it is that you went through or are currently going through, just know, there will always be someone waiting for you at the dinner table with a warm meal ready to ask you about your day and listen to how it went. ready to give you your dream fairytale love story.

•------------------------------------------------------------•

that is all pile 3! thank you so much for stopping by the shifting cafe and spending this session with me. i hope to see you all again soon. happy shifting!

•------------------------------------------------------------•

・゜゜・．.・゜゜・・゜゜・．.・゜゜・・゜゜・．.・

that is it for today's pick a pile session! thank you so much for everyone who decided to participate/stop by and picked their piles for some guidance. i hope these resonated and i have interpreted them well for all of you.

if you have any suggestions for future pick a piles, please feel free to request through messaging me or leaving an ask!

for a personal tarot reading session, check out my carrd and order from my google forms!

thank you so so so much and i'll see you all soon! happy shifting!

・゜゜・．.・゜゜・・゜゜・．.・゜゜・・゜゜・．.・

[livlepretre]

I'm really curious (sorry if you answered this question before), but do you see canon Klaus doing the same kind of things FE Klaus does?

Yes, absolutely.

FE is my unvarnished interpretation of the characters, as they were presented in the earlier seasons of the show. The entire plot of FE is even taken from a scenario Klaus himself voices: he declares in 3x05 "what I want is to take my girl, take my hybrid, and get out of this one pony town." Obviously he wants to kidnap her in order to use her for her blood. The whole thing about wanting to make sure Elena settles down with a mortal to bear children and continue her bloodline is taken from his stated intentions in the episode "The Dinner Party," also season 3. Please keep in mind that I started working on FE when season 3 was first airing, so the characterizations are GREATLY taken from that era. So, when I was first working on this fic, Klaus had no canon romances save for what we saw of his affair with Katerina in 1492. Lines like "love is a vampire's greatest weakness" had huge influence over how I envisioned him-- and the fact that his early characterizations bear this out only added fuel to the fire. Wondering things like, why use Jenna in the sacrifice??? and speculating on his psychology all fanned the flames. I saw him as emotionally cowardly, and vengeful, but also, that there was no line he would not cross. That's the fun thing about writing Klaus. If I'm trying to figure out how he will respond to something, the worst and most dramatic possibility is OBVIOUSLY the answer. Whenever I wonder if I should dial it back, I think about that time in the season 4 Christmas special when he slaughtered all of his hybrids in a mad rage and then drowned Carol Lockwood and I go LOL NO Klaus is going to Klaus, I might as well let him go as far as he wants to go.

As for other various things-- like, I think the tv show had various constraints as a teen tv show-- a lot is implied in tvd but not explicitly stated because the show couldn't. It wasn't on HBO. So, while there is a weird amount of gore (heads falling off shoulders, hearts ripped out of chests), the sex stuff is all pretty tame. I have to assume the debauchery (and the viciousness of the gore) would all be dialed up without those censorship limits-- they're vampires. Like, Stefan is called "ripper." What does that mean? What are their habits? what are their cavalier attitudes about human life?

So, for me, when I watch tvd, I absolutely do interpret it as "oh, Stefan and Klaus were fucking in the season 2-season 3 hiatus, and Rebekah is obviously incestually invovled with Klaus and in a threesome with him and Stefan"-- the subtext is there and is just too strong a vibe to interpret it otherwise, for me. But the network wasn't going there. The spiciest sex dynamic they were willing to imply was a Rebekah x Sage x Damon threesome; which, ffm is just not that big of a deal on American tv; I doubt the show would have ever gone for a mmf threesome, let alone an incestuous one, let alone with their male romantic lead (and the woman isn't even the heroine). Like, mainstream network tv just isn't going to jump into that, even though this dynamic is basically screaming itself from the rooftops.

Uhhhh and do I think Klaus would fall in love with Elena?

I mean, to me it seems like the obvious ship, which is why I keep writing about it?

I am not one to let the fact that Elena has so many love interests stop me from adding in more or seeing the potential for more.

And one of the main goals of FE was to try to write this ship as I think it would realistically play out: this is why it is so slow, and painful, and full of so many set backs.

It's the sort of ship that sets fire to everything around it and then, MAYBE, some sapling will grow out of the scorched earth.

(Well, I say maybe. Yes. Definitely some young green shoot is going to burst out of this and turn into a majestic ship tree. Or something.)

[gregor-samsa-said-i-could]

Writing piece

So I got this assignment in a writing workshop I went once and it was supposed to be a friendly duel that never really took place. They gave us a line with a plot and you were supposed to make a short story out of it. Mine said: "A story narrated by Death in wich no one actually dies" and since I was brainrotting about necromancy and psychosis those days this was the result. As I said, never did anything with this short story so I thought maybe I'll post it here.

Clearly English is not my first language and this was a very uncoordinated work of translation made by me and chat gpt so yeah, sorry bout that.

The death of the necromancer

With a tired sigh, Death glanced at the crumpled piece of paper that had the address he was heading to. His long, slender fingers held, with little delicacy, the small yellowed sheet where the marks of constant folds barely allowed the writing to be read. Even so, it was still possible to read what he had written down a couple of days earlier. Judging by those directions, it was there. No doubt about it.

He confirmed it when he looked up. The number written on the paper was the same as the one carved into the wall of that secluded cabin. It was a small, single-story house that almost served as a threshold to the dense forest that loomed behind her, as if its worn wooden and rusty wires fences were, in some way, a barrier that the thorny bushes and thick pines dared not cross. Reaching that place had taken him almost an hour of walking from the city, climbing up the poorly paved roads that ascended towards the mountain and wound through the pine forest that covered the green slopes. However, the landscape changed drastically around the cabin. Everything looked dead there, from the weeds in the garden to the plants on the terrace, forgotten in their terracotta pots. Grayish walls and pale tiles, both worn by the rains that had likely battered them hundreds of times since their last maintenance.

But the most striking thing about that place was not the neglect or the contrast between the land surrounding it and the rest of the countryside. No. It was the smell.

A putrid stench of death seemed to sneak out and mingle with the clean air of the forest, becoming more noticeable as he approached the house, across the garden. Step by step. Until he reached the cabin door.

Death was perfectly familiar with that smell. It was one he knew deeply: the scent of rotting flesh and dry bones; of skin and hair deteriorating in the absence of life. Yes, just the smell he expected to find there.

A smile spread across his lips as he raised a hand to knock on the door. Several days of inquiries had led him to that place. The process involved a couple of questions here and there, blending in among humans as one of them, pretending to be less curious than he actually was until he finally found that place. After all, this was a matter that required his special attention.

It all started just over a week ago, when a warning arrived instead of the usual and very uninteresting monthly compliance certificate. His superiors had shown disbelief at the numbers in his reports, which did not match the records they had. For Death, someone who always did an impeccable and careful job, the fact that there were inconsistencies between his reports and the final numbers was unthinkable and, more that that, unacceptable. For short: Fewer souls were arriving than those reported as sent, and this, if not proven otherwise, would be taken as a blatant lie on his part. Centuries of perfection and regularity could not be thrown away like that. So, without thinking twice, he set out to find the cause. A cause that, as he suspected, would lead him to a place like that.

How many hundreds of years had passed since the last time he encountered a vision like that? A place that seemed to repel all forms of life? Perhaps it wasn't that many, but it felt like a lot in his mind.

His first knocks on the wooden door were fruitless. He could hear a radio murmuring on the other side and the irregular clatter of restless human footsteps. He knocked once more, a bit harder, causing his knuckles to raise some dust from the hollow wood, which had been eaten away by moths who knows for how long.

With that second attempt, a tired voice seemed to grumble from within the cabin and the footsteps drew closer. Death tucked the paper into his pocket and adjusted the reading glasses he wore on his face. He took a moment to tidy up his somewhat disheveled appearance from the short journey, then pulled his cap down, almost covering his eyebrows. In his clenched hands, one could sense a certain contained emotion. Who could be behind that door? Could it be a powerful and fearsome wizard hiding in that forgotten place, far from everything and everyone? Or perhaps a young witch filled with rage and hatred, plotting some kind of revenge? Or maybe not. He licked his lips, growing more expectant. Perhaps it was a virile and energetic sorcerer preparing, in those lands, an army of the undead, loyal to him, that would help him bring chaos upon the peaceful modern world.

He just couldn't wait to see.

The door finally opened, and with barely contained emotion, Death tried to keep his expression as neutral as possible. He couldn't allow that glimmer in his eyes —the one that showed his interest. After all, he was Death; who has ever seen Death get excited like that?

However, he didn't need to force himself much to pretend, as his anticipatory excitement quickly faded into intense discontent as he saw the person standing on the other side of the door.

That was definitely not what he expected to find in necromancer's cabin.

In front of him, holding the door as if it weighed heavily, a young man, perhaps nearing his thirties, looked back at him with a mix of fear and anticipation. His eyes, a dull green, seemed to be trying to figure something out as they gazed back at him. From head to toe, the man's vacant stare scanned his figure, taking a long time to utter his first words.

"Well, damn. My hallucinations sure are getting better"

The voice, absent of life and energy, seemed to match everything about that man. His hair, a pale and dull blonde, fell over his forehead, sparse and brittle-looking, almost brushing his shoulders from behind, getting tangled in the hood of a worn and tattered sweatshirt. Death also looked him up and down, noticing the dirty and worn-out pants, the mismatched slippers, and the extremely pale skin, where thin blue veins could be easily spotted.

"I'm not a hallucination" he answered, pulling down his cap a little more ", I came to talk to you. You're the necromancer, right?"

His words were enough to make the uninterested expression on the man's face change into one that was filled with fear and curiosity.

"So... Is it you? I knew someone would come, would confront me about the shit I've been doing and that would be the beginning of my end. Is it you?" A smile twisted his thin and dry lips , "Are you here to punish me?"

Death let out a barely perceptible sigh and placed his fingers on the door, pushing slightly to open it a little more than the narrow crack that barely allowed the cabin's owner to peek out.

"Can I come in?" Was more than a question, an imposition.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, sure... Come inside" The necromancer's thin body moved away lightly, despite how painful every single one of his steps looked. He made way, rushing to the dinner to tidy up a bit one of the chairs. Death looked around. Yeah, that probably was the only place where he could sit down.

In there, where only a little light filtered through the heavy curtains, bones were mixed with takeout containers. The decor seemed to consist of a myriad of disorganized and broken objects, dead rats everywhere, and hard wax covering the floor. Death didn't even move a muscle in his face at that sight. He already knew about the habits of necromancers. He knew them as isolated and morbid beings, always surrounded by death and that unique, putrid smell as they worked to make their magic more powerful and cruel. However, he did not remember any necromancer like this one, so young and destroyed. A paradoxical being who could control life and yet was allowing himself to be consumed by it.

It was such a shame.

He waited for the man to finish scurrying around, moving things from one side to the other to clear off the table and two chairs. Without any rush, he took almost five minutes to look around before finally taking a seat, leaving his cap on the table after shaking out his jet-black curls a bit. The man waited patiently.

"How did you know I was coming?"

The man's bones cracked when he sat down across from him. A little grimace in his face.

"I saw it" he said, simple.

"You saw it?"

"On that old lady's guts, yeah... A few days ago I brought her back because her family wanted to clarify something on her will. They're easy to control when I bring them back, 'u know? It's like the can't think..." he smiled when he said that, looking away to the wall across the room for a second and then turning back to face the dark eyes of his visitor. "Sometimes I see stuff in the corpses. I read it in their guts and it's true almost every single time. Like some sort of guts crystal ball. That time they told me you were coming" that unsettling smile again. "So... Who are you?"

"Death" he said, also simple, without being really impressed by that information. He already knew. The premonitory abilities of the necromancers were not foreign to him in the least, even if the crude and unrefined manners of this particular one were somewhat uncomfortable to hear.

"Oh..." the man stretched his armas over the table, grabbing one of his hands, allowing him to notice the cold fragile skin. "Let me shake the hand of the competition then"

"You won't even get a little surprised?" Death raised one of his eyebrows, without taking his hand back.

"I've seen dead people raise from their graves with just mere words of mine. I've seen rotten bodies walk and talk to me with their own voices. Damn, I even hear them when my magic is no longer affecting them, telling me stuff, mocking me, warning me, praising me... Do you think I'm gonna be surprised if someone that looks like a crackhead comes to my place and says he's Death? I'm beyond that at this point."

Death glanced over the table, noticing all the medications scattered there. Broken pills and half emptied bottles alongside old receipts and fast food coupons.

"I assume their voices have been bothering you quite a bit"

"They're always there" the necromancer took away his hands and his index against his temple, looking sad all of a sudden, "they say horrible things sometimes. Is it because I shouldn't have played with them? Are they mad? You tell me... They won't answer when I ask."

"What have you been doing exactly?" Ignoring what almost sounded like ravings, Death grabbed one of the pill bottles, reading the label with little interest. Even if those voices were not from the dead and just a meter product of a decadent mind, pills won't make them go away. He placed the bottle back where he took it and stared at the man through his glasses. It was noticeable if he look carefully. That man was far too consumed by dark magic, any attempt to save his body or his mind was pointless.

But maybe...

"Are you trying to create an army for the undead?" He leaned closer, showing complicity on his voice, "Zombies? Immortal corpses to follow your orders to achieve some malevolent plan?"

The man did not change his expression, he only stared back at him with those dead-fish eyes that seemed to be paying attention to several things at the same time.

"An army? What for?"

Disappointed, Death scoffed, leaning back against his chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Then, were you bringing dead people back to give the living the joy of seeing their loved ones again? Where you after that noble purpose?"

The man smirked, rapidly growing to a loud laughter, as if that comment was the best joke ever heard by him.

"The hell do I care about someone else's loved one?"

"Then why were you raising dead all over the place? Why deteriorating your own mind and body while doing so? There's got to be a reason for it."

For a moment, the man's opaque green gaze seemed to light up, as if that question had touched upon a passionate cause, the only thing that seemed to give any meaning to his existence. Death also felt a thrill at seeing him change for the first time since he had arrived. He waited eagerly for the great revelation. There had to be something behind that renewed spark, something that justified all the troubles, something that made sense.

"Why wouldn't I do it? If I can, I will. Do you think a man with a gift like this wouldn't use it? It's inevitable. I always knew there was something different about me. Since I was a child..." He placed one of his bony hands on his chest, almost proudly. "I was always alone, always fascinated by the dead and by those bodies that life left behind when it departed from them. I always knew there was something there that called to me, something different and powerful... I was the chosen one. I am the chosen one."

“And that was the best you could think of? To play with that power until it consumed your insides?” Death clenched his fist, unable to contain his growing frustration. “You could have done so many things… You could have dominated the world, gained wealth and respect. You could have made yourself immortal and been a god among men, but instead, you're here, in a dead and stinking cabin. What sense does that make?”

"I don't like people," was the man's simple response. "I don't need to be their god or their king, but I don't hate them to the point of wanting to destroy them either. What the hell do I want to have those big ambitions for if they won't give me anything I might want? I just want to do what only I can do and have fun with it."

"What could you possibly want? To live weak and mad? Only accompanied by your hallucinations and the pain in your bones? That's something horribly boring to do when you have such a short existence."

"That's precisely it... my existence is short... Isn't it better to do exactly what I want?" The man looked directly into his eyes and, for the first time, seemed not to be slightly distracted by any of the inventions of his mind. "The guts of that old woman were not wrong; you have come to confront me for my audacity... However, I thought you would scold me for reviving the dead. But it seems that what bothers you the most is that there isn't an exciting reason. Maybe the one with an unbearably boring existence isn't actually me after all.

Death cleared his throat, looking away severely.

"You make unnecessary assumptions. My duty is to eliminate the cause of the imbalance. By reviving those spirits, you are depriving them of their rest, pulling them away from the path that has been established for them. That, as you must understand, is unacceptable."

The man's laughed again, looking entertained.

"And what are you going to do ... Kill me?"

"I suppose..." Death's voice sounded hesitant, and that seemed to amuse the necromancer even more, making him laugh even harder than before, slamming his hand on the table until his laughter turned into a fit of coughing, and the cough became foamy, bright blood sliding through his fingers.

"Although you seem to be taking care of that by yourself already" Death added, looking disappointed.

The man remained cheerful while catching his breath, cleaning his face with the back of his hand and then in his pants.

"I'm very curious about what's going to happen when I die. Go ahead..." He spread his arms. "If you have to, then do it. No one's gonna miss me anyway"

Death looked into his eyes, then looked down to the foamy droplets of blood on the floor. Even if he did not killed the man, his days were counted.

"No" he said, and it sounded more like a personal resolution than an announcement. "I won't."

He got up in a bit of a hurry, putting his cap back on his curly, messy hair as if staying there any longer would change his decision. The man lowered his arms, looking genuinely surprised; however, his expression quickly softened into an understanding smile.

"I understand" he nodded, standing too. "Maybe I get myself a little platoon of zombies, there's no harm in trying."

Death remained silent. He just walked towards the door, again pulling down on his cap almost covering his eyebrows.

And, without anything more to add, he left the cabin, retracing his steps back to the city, descending the wild path he had taken before, not allowing the excited smile hidden beneath the dark brim of his cap to be seen.

"I gave you a warning. What you decide to do, is up to you."

[jimothysomebody]

Recovering From Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

It's difficult to gauge exactly where to start, considering the many nuanced factors that lead me here. For awhile it felt like I was dealing with some wretched mystery ailment. After my breakup there was a period of time where money was tight and I wasn't eating well, in part because money was tight and in part because of a long struggle with self image, self loathing, and just a warped and unhealthy perspective of myself. What a stupid, stupid thing it was to subject myself to that degree of harm and malnourishment. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

In late March, somewhat coinciding with my old vape pen breaking, I began to feel a bit unwell and I wasn't sure why. Brainfog, difficulty concentrating and remembering, poor sleep (and that's saying something) headaches, strange dizzy spells and a weird feeling in my head, unusual episodes of elevated anxiety, stress, and depression beyond what is 'normal' for me, stomach issues, changes to my appetite, fatigue, apathy. Some days were better than others, some days were hell, other days I may have one awful episode and be otherwise fine the rest of the day, sometimes a day or so would pass without incident at all and I'd feel totally normal.... but these terrible symptoms kept coming back

Initially I believed it to be the lingering effects of having been anorexic from early February to the beginning of April... but April, May and now most of June have come & gone... and these symptoms have persisted.... what else could it have been?

I figured, outside of the extreme episodes of anxiety, the most likely cause was the effects of tapering off of, and eventually quitting weed. The conclusion I drew was that, surely, I must be experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, brought on by increased use of medial grade weed and an increased vaping of delta 8 around this time. It was also my theory that because I didn't do it daily, just used a *lot* every few days or on weekends, that my inconsistent pattern of high dose usage was keeping me in a state of withdrawal that wouldn't stop until I made myself quit. My preferred method was vaping, but I began with edibles July of 2023... for nearly a year my already chemically imbalanced brain became accustomed to a regular supply of THC, surely... surely the cessation of cannabis would have put my brain in a state of crisis and rebellion as it attempts to reset the dials back to my “normal”, right? Much of the literature I read seemed to validate my worries, between credible medical publications from all over, the US, Canada, Australia, the UK, I poured over the findings and data of medical professionals and everything seemed to point to that... what has now worried me the last 42 days I've been sober was the fact that, for most, they seem to be through the worst of it within 2wks to a month... but still I contend with these symptoms. Maybe...just maybe, I was too hopeful and by some twisted hellish coincidence I was, unknowingly, affected by something more dire... there are many, many far more life threatening conditions that share many of those symptoms in common... and that thought has come and gone since March... Friday afternoon I finally humored my paranoia that told me to stop toying with my mortality and went to the ER to get checked out.

They drew blood, did urinalysis, an EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan of my head, every test came back normal, nearly everything was ideal, save for what results have been effected by a recent brief regimen of prednisone to help with my tenosynovitis (which also significantly improved my withdrawal symptoms)... and in the sea of test results even those *slightly* abnormal results didn't bother me, knowing exactly what caused them.

The test results have given me a lot of peace of mind... I now know definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what I am experiencing does not have a physical cause... it is instead chemical as my brain tries to regulate itself back from a year of a lot of vaping and edibles. I do not have brain cancer, any brain damage, any debilitating neurological condition, internal bleeding, blood clots, nor do I have any heart or lung condition. No abnormalities were detected... It's just withdrawal, and I can get through this. I've been tempted to vape, a few times. I miss having a mild high, but mostly I miss the relief that comes with it for my anxiety, my depression, ptsd, mild pains, etc. There hasn't been any strong compulsion or urge to use again, in fact not unlike my alcohol I still have (almost 7 months sober now) my vape pen is in plain sight just on my bedside table, where it has, literally, been collecting dust since May 12th. I have had one or two dreams about weed/vaping though, which I suppose isn't a totally unheard of sort of dream to have for people quitting.

I'm set to see yet another therapist soon in July, and shortly thereafter, I imagine, another doctor. I'm not sure what the plan of attack will be, considering the chemical imbalance is now influenced by quitting weed. In the past I've seen a lot of success with SSRI's like sertraline/Zoloft, in treating my depression, with some positive changes to my anxiety as well, it'd certainly simplify things to be on just one med but I'm not optimistic that will be the case, nor do I don't know just how effective sertraline would be while recovering from PAWS... I do know this much, compared to how I felt in April I feel, generally speaking, significantly better. I do still experience all the symptoms I've described but to a lesser degree and with less frequency and diminished duration compared to how I had been previously... it is my belief that, with time and resolve I will make a full recovery from this horrid months long trial. I really think I'm gonna be okay.

[mikichko]

Hey you don’t have to post/respond to this, but I just wanted to let you know that there is already major discrepancies in the sheheal and codslut thing. Mainly how the contact information was found at all, let alone so quickly. Early talks about it here (https://www.tumblr.com/391780/753268123323564033/sheheal-other-people-might-trust-you-blindly-but). Be sympathetic and hold space for the real possibility of these things happening/being real, but be mindful of the issues within it regarding the truth. Does the cod fandom need to be better, especially about harassment, bullying, and threats? Absolutely. Whether or not this is real, that issue needs to be addressed. Hopefully, if this does end up being fake, those involved still reflect on themselves and become better than they are.

Hi cariño, I greatly appreciate you bringing this to my attention and helping me stay better informed on the situation 💕

I took some time to gather my thoughts and emotions before jumping into this. I wanted to respond to this primarily because I commented on the situation previously and feel responsible for potentially spreading misinformation. I also want folks to have all of the information readily available and come to their own conclusion.

At the end of the day the focus is on Myka and ensuring that she's alright. I will continue to pray and hope that she is safe, and well, and has just been taking some time offline to wait the harassment out. Until we hear otherwise from a trusted and validated source that's all I wish out of this situation. This will be my final comment on the situation until a vetted official update on Myka is made.

Further discussion under the cut.

Before we start I would like to clarify: DO NOT ENGAGE WITH ANY OF THE PARTIES OR HARASS THEM.

I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment that fandom, across all sorts of media, needs to be better about harassment and dog-piling from all ends. And yet, for a situation where this was the crux of the issue, I'm seeing so many people continue to perpetuate the same treatment. It's the reason I felt inclined to remind people to be kind. It seems a lot of us forget that on the other side of the screen, attached to the username you have so many emotions for is another living breathing person.

Another focal point was the responsibility that individuals had to vet the information that they chose to share. An interesting thing to take into account when you realize that a lot of people are spreading information that has not been fully vetted. Like Early said, it's deeply insensitive to imply that someone faked a suicide, which is exactly why I approached the situation the way that I did. But, trusting others blindly leads us back into that cycle of repetition that started this in the first place.

I, of course, have my own thoughts on the matter, none of which will be shared publically, but I would like to simply add a point to what Early covered:

The average FOIA request takes about twenty working days to complete. The estimated process of the request according to the .gov site is twenty-one to sixty working days for complex requests and six to twenty working days. This is assuming that the person making the request had all the information regarding the veteran in the first place. I doubt it'd be any speedier when asking for the limited records for the discharged female soldiers within a single state.

I implore everyone to take stock of everything regarding the situation and to come to their own conclusion. Not influenced by anyone else but yourself.

At the end of the day, like our kind anon said, whether the situation was a fluke or not I can only hope that we take stock as a fandom on harassment and treatment of our creators and fellow fans.

[friezagirl]

Well, I've talked a lot with someone who thinks Steven Grant is a recreation of Marc's brother. Trying to get him to understand my point of view, I don't know whether he understood it or not. But I'm against his idea, Steven is a completely new person and he's just himself, not someone else's replacement, both because it wouldn't be fair to Steven and because I very much doubt he could be. I explain why. Steven was created from Marc's mind, in the series it is noted that he is inspired by the character of a film that gave him courage, that reassured him, therefore not his brother, otherwise he would have been called Roro, or in any case with a similar name or that, vaguely, it remembered, and not Steven. Regardless, the mind creates an extension of a personality. As children, the personality has not yet been fully created, it is not finished, it is in its infancy, its cycle ends in the first years of adolescence; but as children, the personality is formed through the knowledge and relationships that one has in childhood, which in itself is very problematic for Marc due to his family situation. Thus, his mind tries to compensate for this lack of stability and also for all the excessive pain, thus creating Steven. However, not having much knowledge in psychology, I will discuss this through my hypotheses. Steven, even though he's scared, faces it, just as reported on the poster in the room, this is because Marc, having no one, and being a scared child; he needed a figure who would protect him, who would give him security and who would be kind. His brain captured it, it perceived this need, and that's why Steven was born, the brain created him, yes, but then the rest took shape by itself, Steven built himself as a person in himself like anyone in this world. It's only as children grow up and into their teens that they begin to flesh out their own being and who they are and who they identify with, but that doesn't change the fact that Steven wasn't born to be a replacement for Roro, but a friend and a protector who would help Marc breathe and find a few moments of peace thanks to his presence. In addition, it would seem strange to me that Marc's brain creates a person inspired by the cause of his trauma, namely Roro; it would be more normal for him to distance himself from it, and in fact he clung to the fictitious and fearless and reckless figure of a protagonist of a film that Marc loved very much and that he adored playing. It gave him security to be that doctor Grant, he played at being one when his childhood was simpler, so it is normal that, since he was so attached to it and at a time when everything was happier, the brain took that name to give it to the person he created later, giving Marc physical support and psychological that he lacked. I'm not saying that Roro was the trauma, I'm saying that it was in any case the cause, that Marc's brain identified it as the reason why it all started, therefore the first and fundamental cause of pain, and consequently, the brain, the he would push away, keeping him away from Marc to protect him and protect itself. Thus, Steven cannot be replacement for Roro but a different person, born, alive and self-aware, like anyone else, bonded to Marc only for his duty to protect him.

Perhaps, unconsciously, Marc had also begun to hate Roro, given everything that happened to him. He would make sense, he certainly didn't feel it consciously, he was drowning in guilt, but somewhere inside, he must have started to hate him. He was just a child, he felt daily fear of staying at home, he was distressed in those walls, and he suffered. And feelings like pain, loneliness and anger can easily turn into hatred. Quoting a great sage, Yoda: "Fear leads to anger, anger to hate; hate leads to suffering." That could be what happened to Marc, either with Roro unconsciously, or with his mother knowingly. He hated them for the pain they had caused him, but he also loved them for what they meant to him, and he grieved for what had happened to them both, a fault that was not his and that broke him. And these feelings were very strong, destructive enough that he could not allow Marc's mind to create a copy of a brother who tormented him every day at the hands of his mother. So, Steven is not Roro's replacement and he never was, he was and always has been the anchor created to drive away that vortex of cold dark. A bit like the rainbow after the rain, he was born for the sole and simple sense of existing and of being a warm and reassuring light.

But not necessarily unconsciously, maybe the more Marc suffered the more he harbored anger that he segregated inside with force, and then he hated himself but he also hated Roro and his mother, and this feeling then led him to hate himself more, to suffer more, to blame himself with greater frenzy. Then there was Steven who put a stop to everything though, certainly Jake too. Unconsciously or not, he must have hated him. At least a little, just enough not to go crazy. He was constantly nagged, and he was just a kid, all that guilt was too big a burden to carry on his own, and Steven didn't carry a piece of it even though it lightened it anyway, but Marc was the one who kept it all, always, everyday. So Marc had to take a minute to point his finger at Roro, at least for a second to feel better. Only this must have only worsened his mental state, broken him again. Maybe that's how Jake was born.

In the comics it's already more different, Roro doesn't die as a child, but Marc still creates Steven, who is always kind and good. There the discourse is already more complicated or perhaps similar, Marc always creates Steven as a response to trauma, to create a shield, and therefore distance himself, from the horrible events he experienced with his "uncle". Then, of course, everyone can think as he wants, for me it is clear that Steven is only Steven, a person apart from Marc and Roro. However, perhaps people with DID, or psychologists, would explain it better than me.

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Alrightyyyyy, I just watched the 2018 JCS Concert version and its probably my least favorite version of this musical so far and, unless theres another 'official' proshot of it that Im not aware of yet, I have little doubt that this will be my least favorite professional version. Its not bad, theres certainly things to enjoy but theyre mostly smaller details and I dont really think the whole managed to be greater than those smaller parts, yknow?

Something that I enjoyed overall as someone whos watched and analysed three other versions of this musical before watching this one, is that there were a lot of points where I could tell that the people behind this were inspired by previous versions but still trying to put their own spin on it and not directly copy certain ideas, that was fun

The camera work was fine, there were a few shots that felt kinda awkward like one where Pilate or some other character I dont really remember, just stares dead into the camera with such a weird expression, it made me cringe a little, but otherwise I dont have much to say about it. I unfortunately dont have a whole lot to say about the staging or lighting or costumes either when I usually talk a lot about those so Im expecting this post to be on the shorter side just for that lmao. Like with the musical overall, those elements arent bad theyre more just lacking or dont quite come together as a whole. I did really like the set though, that sort of under construction cathedral looks really cool and it fits this more abstract telling of the story. It kinda reminded me of the 2000s version, which was also a lot more abstract than either the 73 or 2012 versions but was bogged down by these weird occasional half-hearted attempts at more modern political commentary, which this 2018 version doesnt have so I think its an improvement in that way. And just to be clear, I dont have an issue with newer versions of JCS trying for more relevant political commentary at all, I think its actually very appropriate, they just didnt do a very good job at it in the 2000s one and it honestly seemed like they were going to have the same issues in this version at the very start but they didnt, so that was good. The direction in the 2000s movie is wayyyyyy better though and I found it more enjoyable overall despite that and despite really disliking the lead actors

Speaking of which, I actually didnt really like most of the performers in this one. Judas started out great, he reminded me a lot of 73!Judas which is high praise from me since thats my favorite version and when I rewatched it I was metaphorically laying on my stomach with my head propped up on my hands kicking my legs back and forth like a middleschooler with a crush whenever he was on screen. Unfortunately I do think he got a bit worse over the course of the show to the point where he was 'just' good, which, hey, thats still not bad at all and pretty enjoyable to watch and listen to but still a bit of a disappointment because I honestly thought he did an amazing job with Heaven On Their Minds and even in Strange Thing, Mystifying (although that song had a bit of a weak start imo) and his part in Everything's Alright so the decline was still pretty noticeable. I did like his body language and the way he characterized Judas though

This Jesus was kind of a funny one because based on his appearance and vibes alone he probably has the most Just Some Guy energy out of all the Jesuses Ive seen which is saying a lot and yknow, I enjoy that. And then he opens his mouth to sing for the first time and its absolutely amazing and Im like WOAHH because his voice instantly makes me Get why people would wanna listen to this guy and follow him and stuff. Like, I think Jesus is a very difficult role because you have to balance coming across as detached from the people around him because hes experiencing stuff they genuinely cant understand with coming across as charismatic enough to make it believable that this cult of personality would form around while not making him come across as too much of a holier-than-thou asshole, and I think casting a pretty unassuming guy with a kind of stiff but fairly unremarkable way of holding himself but whose voice is very powerful wouldve been an excellent way to portray him. Im saying 'would have' because while hes great for his first few lines and has some moments where I think he really shines sprinkled throughout the musical, but overall he just kinda gets worse from song to song imo. Its not even like hes good for the entire first act and then gets weirdly bad in the second one, like the reverse of 2012!Jesus who was pretty weak in the first act but then randomly got really good in the second one, he just gets progressively worse its a real shame. But I still wanna mention those moments where he really shines, spoiler alert theyre mostly when he gets angry; when hes yelling at Judas in Strange Thing, Mystifying, hes pretty good in The Temple, both when hes yelling n shit and when he has that short quiet verse between the two parts and during his parts in Trial Before Pilate. Funnily enough those parts are also all parts I really liked in the 1973 german version and his delivery is very similar to that Jesus but thats just a coincidence lol

I also have a lot of things to say about like, the non-singing parts of his performance but in the interest of not talking about Jesus for too much bc I still have a lot of other stuff to talk about, Im just gonna talk about something I noticed during Simon Zelotes in this. In the other versions Ive watched it was pretty clear that Jesus was uncomfortable during that part and I noticed that he really wasnt in this 2018 one, which I initially found interesting (in a positive way) because I hadnt seen that interpretation before but then I thought about it some more afterwards and I was like, ohhhhhh yeah, theres a reason I havent seen that interpretation before huh. I think him being perfectly comfortable during this scene makes him feel a lot more, idk if this is the right word exactly, thoughtless ? he feels very No Thoughts, Head Empty, is what Im trying to say. And it makes him come across as less complex and kind of undermines a big running theme in this musical which is that no one really understands Jesus because hes mentally ill on a mission from god. Also, Simon Zelotes very much feels like its trying to comment on the hollow nature of praying to a guy whose actual teachings you dont really follow and that really loses its impact when Jesus just like. agrees, basically. On top of that it makes Poor Jerusalem kinda come out of nowhere so that makes for a weird experience

So, since Ive talked about Jesus and Judas individually I also wanted to spare some time to talk about what theyre like together since their relationship is a pretty big focus. I dont have a lot to say about the kiss that I havent already said in my first post about this version, its awkward I hate how the hug thats supposed to happen afterwards comes in weirdly too late, I did not like it. at all. And after I made that initial post I realized that part of the reason it felt so weird and awkward is probably because they have basically no physical contact with each other before (or after) this and like. Theres a lot of physical contact between Mary and Jesus and Mary and Peter and I think there was atleast an attempt from her to reach out to Judas and touch his arm at some point and when you pay attention to the extras theres a lot of touching going on too, especially during the The Last Supper which is yknow, the scene that almost directly procedes the kiss so its like, extra noticeable. And its extra weird because theres a lot more physical contact between Jesus and Judas in other versions and in this one its like they wont even stand too close to each other for some reason.

Anyway, moving on to a character that I usually dont have a lot to say about: Mary. I like her but shes not that complex and while her songs definitely definitely arent bad (bc none of the songs in this show are bad imo) theyre not necessarily songs I would listen to on their own, but again, I like her and I think she usually manages to seem interesting even when the play doesnt really focus on her. So it surprised me that they could make her so bland in this one. Ive thought about this for quite a while now and I still cant quite get a handle on why exactly she comes across like that, but I think its because shes lacking that bit of edge that Mary had in the previous versions Ive watched. Like, in the 1973 movie shes kinda grimy because everyone is kinda grimy (I think 70s movies are just kinda like that) and I remember her voice having a bit of roughness to it and she did come across as a bit cold on my first watch, like, I was obviously expecting her to be a pseudo-love interest for Jesus but thats just because Im aware of certain conventions that dictate that any piece of media needs some kind of romantic subplot, not because she actually came across as romantically interested in him. Then in the 2000s version she was pretty passive agressive towards Judas and they did some stuff to make them more obvious foils of each other and Ive talked about this before, this ended up making Judas come across as really weird and bad there but I do think Mary came out of it as more interesting so that was neat. In the 2012 version I'll admit its mostly just her outfit that makes her come across as interesting to me but idk, I also really like this actress and it was neat to see her do stuff with the rest of the ensemble in the background sometimes and she definitely never came across as generic in the same way that 2018!Mary did.

The most interesting things she did were, in this order: go up to Judas after Jesus yelled at him in Strange Thing, Mystifying and he walked away, her touching everyone and calming them down at the start of Everything's Alright and her sitting down between Jesus and Judas and holding both their hands for a moment before leaving to put a candle on the table at the start of The Last Supper. And one of those things wasnt even really interesting! And honestly, shes essentially the Token Girl Character of this very male-centric play and those almost always play this kind of mediator role, so this doesnt really help in making her feel less generic to me. Also, like, idk if this really makes sense as a complaint but I feel like encapsulates my issues with this Mary and its that, when she was doing I Don't Know How To Love Him and she got to the line "I'm the one who's always been/So calm, so cool, no lovers fool" I was just like "sorry girlie, I dont believe you, youve got massive Lover's Fool vibes" yknow. Moving on

I dont have much to say about Caiaphas, Annas and their goons, they were all pretty good. My main issue with them was that they were oddly quiet during This Jesus Must Die but honestly thats an issue with the entire production. Like, idk if something went wrong or if it was meant to be like this bit I was watching this on my computer with the volume wayyyy louder than I usually have it and it was still really quiet for some reason. The fact that the audience would applaud whenever a song ended or whenever a character entered or reentered the stage didnt help bc its like, most of these songs come one right after the other with nary a break inbetween bc they obviously didnt accomodate for that and it doesnt make for a very pleasant viewing experience. But back to the priests, I wanted to give a special shoutout to that guy that sings the line "A rabbel rousing mission that I think we must ABORT" I think hes great, hes absolutely insane, hes a white boy off the shits and I love him for it

Speaking of off the shits white boys, I also really liked Simon. I dont actually remember what his singing was like or if I thought it was good or not, I just remember him going wild on stage while looking like the older version of a Die Wilden Kerle movie villain (if youre not german or didnt watch those, please google "Die Wilden Kerle Gonzo", "Die Wilden Kerle Fabi" and "Die Wilden Kerle Darkside" to understand this joke) and sometimes thats really all you need. Also, during The Last Supper everyone is being very effectionate with each other and I love that Simon is included in that. Like, hes this horrible little man whos done nothing except advocate for violence and look, hes got a friend who hugs him, hes got a woman who hugs him and hes got a guy friend who comforts him when their spiritual leader/maybe friend? has a mental breakdown and starts yelling at all of them all of a sudden. Love that for him

I didnt like Pilate though. He did a good job I guess, but idk the vibes just werent right with him. Funnily enough I had the exact opposite of that issue with Herod, whose vibes were absolutely impeccable but whose singing was just kinda strange and underwhelming. I did like him going up to the audience during that dance break to be like "Whos your king?" or whatever, thats was neat

Thats it as far as my thoughts on the cast go, it wasnt great but I did really like the ensemble. I dont have too much to say about the individual musical numbers which is why I didnt split this post up the way I did my 2012 JCS post. I dont think they did anything particularly noteworthy or striking with the chereography or the lighting that wasnt done better in other version, the most interesting part was really the fact that there were two 'audience-walls'. What I mean by that is that, usually when you have a stageplay you have your set which has three actual walls and then one non-literal wall that the audience can see the story through, but this one has two, its like a rectangle with two sides missing essentially. But they still dont do too much with that, the staging of certain numbers is a bit more dynamic than it would be on a traditional stage (like Damned For All Time/Blood Money for example) and it seems like the performers have a bit more freedom to move and turn around and whatnot but thats about it.

One thing that I did really enjoy was the use of these white scarves. They show up during Hosanna for the first time and the ensemble members and Jesus all wave them around, they look cool and I like how actually wear them and put them around their heads during Jesus' second verse. Soon after that we get The Temple, which I think couldve been better, especially the first part, but during the beggars part the ensemble is also wearing scarves (I think theyre more of a light gray but its kinda hard to tell with the lighting) and I know its a stretch to say that this is supposed to be some sortof parallel or whatever between the two scenes because theres only so many ways you can wear a scarf but idk, I really like the idea of contrasting these two scenes where Jesus is surrounded by his followers. Im pretty sure the next time they appear its during The Last Supper scene where they all have them around their shoulders and then when they all use them as blankets when they go to sleep at the end, I thought that was really cute. Also, Mary puts a scarf around Judas' shoulders and Im pretty sure its light gray instead of white which could be a nod to The Temple scene earlier but I actually think its meant to kindof tie in to Jesus' outfit. I just realized I havent talked about the costuming at all but Jesus is wearing all white with a light gray jacket over it, so yeah. The next time the white scarves make an appearance is during Pilate And Christ, all the ensemble members wrap them around their chests like some sort of faux toga and then they take them back off for that mini Hosanna reprise and wave them around like they did during the song proper. The last appearance of these scarves is during Judas' Death, they're scattered all over the floor and he picks them up and hangs himself with them. I think I wouldve preferred it if he just kept that scarf Mary gave him and hanged himself with that but at the same time this is really good and interesting too, yknow, hes hanging himself using whats essentially a symbol Jesus-worship while telling god its his fault that hes doing it. good stuff

I was getting close to ending it here but remembering that I forgot to say anything about the costuming earlier caused me to remember all the thoughts I had about it but Ive already spent too much time writing this and Im starting to forget stuff, so here are my basic thoughts about the costuming in a quick bullet point list:

the outfits do an overall better job at actually looking cool and/or punk than they did in either the 2000s or the 2012 version, although i might just feel that way because theyre the most up-to-date fashion-wise

Pilates outfit was really weird and I still dont know what to think about it, I wouldve probably liked it more if they cast a different actor with better vibes

Herods outfit was great, no notes

I didnt like those background dancer outfits, they looked like bird-themed strippers and they wouldve felt more appropriate for the first half of The Tempel (that part was also in desperate need of some dancing, basically all they did there was rub their faces against a table full of glitter for about two minutes)

Judas outfit feels like an upgrade of the one from the 2000s version, he actually looked cool, h wore red and he showed some cleavage!! Not as much as the 73 version but still

JUDAS GOT TO WEAR WHITE AGAINNN well, he got to wear an outfit covered in white rhinestones which really looked more silvef but I dont think Im getting anything better than this at this point so I'll take it

I like that Mary wore orange like in the 1973 version and her dress was very beautiful but the lighting was kept very cool/neutral throughout most of the show so it made her stick out when she wasnt supposed to and it was really distracting

I like that all the ensemble members wear white and gray outfits for the crucifixion again, to tie in to Jesus' outfit

So yeah, Conclusion Time

I'd give this one a solid 6.5/10, for reference I thought both the 1973 movie and the 2000 recording were 7/10s and the 2012 version was an 8/10. Maybe thats a pretty high score for a proshot that I didnt have a lot of kind things to say about but idk, at the end of the day I still had fun listening to and watching a musical I really enjoyed

[fadebolt]

Well, here we are. The very last poll. I didn't really have any plans on what to say here, but there's plenty of stuff to address, so let's get to them.

For starters, I love what you did what the slug hunt here, OP! I generally didn't engage much with that whole thing, seeing that there were already bunch of folks, ready to find the little critters as quickly as possible. And I gotta say, both parties did a pretty incredible job in general. There was a ton of creativity in the hiding spots and colors of the Slugcats, and a lot of them were genuinely difficult to see/find. But from what I could tell, people did succeed in like, 99% of cases, and many of the successful findings have impressed me quite a lot (like, seriously, you guys are insane, finding pretty much invisible Slugcats in mere minutes… though I'm also pretty bad in these 'Where's Waldo?' type of games, so yeah xd).

Adding 10 of them onto this post was an especially cool idea. A lot of them do sort of pop from the background, but finding all of them is still relatively difficult, so I don't mind it.

Now, as for the rooms themselves, we have one that I very much expected to appear here, and one that I did not. I went back to check if the final round of the ship-showdown had a matchup like this, and you could sort of say that was the case, if you'd consider Artificer/Saint to be an unexpected appearance (though it really wasn't, when you consider how it actually got there/how the poll-runner handled the last 2 rounds).

And before I actually get to my thoughts, I want to address a kind of complaint that I've seen on other polls - which would be that Shoreline's AI making it here, and taking away the big win, would actually be a bad thing, that also renders the whole showdown pointless. Thankfully, I haven't seen anyone make this claim, which I'm indeed very grateful for. When you have good knowledge about the community that a poll is addressed at, the results can often feel obvious, and predictable, as you notice general trends and preferences, and commonly shared opinions. And sometimes, we do think "Why are so many people focusing on A, when B is also pretty freaking good?", which can lead to us forgetting that 'A' doesn't become bad, just because it's taking away attention from the similarly good 'B'. If everyone is flocking onto something, there's usually a reason for that. A reason that goes further than just them having a tendency to follow popular trends. That's why it's important to examine those things fairly, rather than dismissively.

And of course, the showdown wouldn't become pointless as a result of an AI win, because that number 1 spot was never really the point to begin with - it was everything else around it. Getting to see the results of the fights between the lesser rooms. Giving people the option/opportunity/platform to talk about rooms they otherwise would never have thought to share their opinions about. Getting to see what does, and what doesn't make it to the later rounds. And even the Slug-Hunt minigame. I didn't keep track of this poll to see what makes it to the number 1 spot, because I knew damn well that over 99% of the rooms of Rain World have no shot at getting there. But I knew the showdown would be entertaining anyway, so I decided to stick around - to keep voting, and reading, and rambling, and reblogging. And I didn't regret that one bit.

Anyhow, what do I actually think about the final matchup itself, you wonder? Well, F01 is great, it's incredible, one of the best rooms in the game, even! Yet… it doesn't quite get up to the level of AI. Truth be told, I wouldn't consider either of these as my number 1 favorite rooms (I didn't really choose a specific one to put on that spot, cus that would be incredibly difficult, but I know for sure that neither of these 2 would be my pick). And to be honest, I highly doubt that F01 is the community's actual second place too (in that way, it's kinda similar to the shipping-poll-finals, cus there's also no way Arti-Saint is the second most popular ship).

Neither of these rooms really have any design issues, and they both work wonderfully as big moments that stick with you quite well. Their screens and layouts were really well thought out by the devs, and they fulfill their job pretty much perfectly. Yet it is AI that sticks with me more. The one that I think about more, and the one that I'm looking forward to visiting more. There is absolutely the question of "What if the layout was different? Would you still love the room this much, if it wouldn't be as well thought out? And are there any ways it could have been improved?" And the answers here will be different for everyone. If the layout was worse, I would still probably love it to an extent, but I easily could have voted against it more. And frankly, I couldn't think of any ways to make it better. Shoreline's AI had to face many incredibly powerful opponents before, and the fact that it won against them is a testament to how well made it is. After all, it has gotten someone like me to continuously vote for it - over a boatload of other incredibly well designed rooms at that.

So yeah, I'll be voting for AI, not because of how I obsess over LttM's character, but because I think the room genuinely deserves it. --------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know if there will be anything more after this.

The blog obviously doesn't have to be inactive just because we've reached the finale. There can still be smaller tournaments - such as ones where we only poll rooms from a specific region, to find out which is the best room of Outskirts/Industrial Complex/Shaded Citadel/etc. Or one where we check which is the best from a certain category, like karma gates/shelters/colored pearl locations/unlockable locations/etc. Heck, we could even get polls for modded regions/rooms. Or the blog could become focused exclusively on the slug-hunting competition, where a lot of posts and submissions could be in user-made rooms (perhaps we could even use images from that that 'rain world hourly' blog).

But frankly, the blog has been running for almost a year now, and I think Jadzio really deserves a break. All I'm saying is that it's completely up to them, whether or not this blog keeps on posting, and that I would completely understand, if they would wish to go on a hiatus. (Especially if they're planning to cover all the rooms of the Watcher DLC… cus that'll likely end up being a lot, too. Just please wait a month or two to let us experience the DLC first :3)

I suppose we'll see. Regardless, I'm truly grateful for the showdown, and all the thought and effort that went into making and managing it. I really enjoyed writing about all the polls, and I hope we'll get more showdowns like this from other aspiring Tumblr users, cus they're simply amazing! ^-^

Pick Your Favorite Rain World Room, Day 313 FINALE

There is a hidden slugcats (10) in the rooms (they can be in any color). If u can see it comment or reblog with where they are and if u are first, u get a cookie! And this time u have to give a lil discription or an rb with em circled. You dont have to get them all at once in one replay/rb.

Credit for game screenshots goes to: Rain World Interactive Map, Rain World Wiki and me

[cherrysoulth]

Your thoughts about people that read REALLY twisted, taboo and depraved fiction? Like stuff I’d never engage in IRL but it’s kind of freeing to know I can let go of my trauma in these fucked up stories.

But I feel so immor after every story I finish, yet I always go back to reading more. God I feel so fucked up.

Hii dear Anon! Here goes my extense response because I can't do it in any other way.

Let me say really quickly based on your words alone that if you know you would not engage in them IRL you are probably not as fucked up as you feel.

If reading them is helping you go through a trauma, reading them has its purpose. Even if they are not so morally acceptable (probably basing yourself im social moral, not your own. Otherwise, I doubt you would be reading them or even less going back to them). But if it's solving something yet creating a guilty conscience that later can have negative consequences on your peace of mind, I would consider reading other stuff.

When it comes to my opinion, I'll start by pointing out, it all depends on what you are referring to. Those are very wide subjects and my range for REALLY might not be the same as yours.

Now, I don't think I read anything extreme (compared to the things I'm aware are out there) based on the fact that I have vivid imagination, a really good awareness of everything forming a body, high-empathy and so I know some subjects might come to a cost to my mental health. Still, I read dark fics and sometimes even empathise with the bad/dark/evil character... (Trauma reaction, we suppose.)

I'm aware some things I write myself can be creepy/dark/f-up for others, which brings us to the conclusion that this is a really subjective matter and has a lot to do with personal comfort.

I must also add that in order to know what I wouldn't want to even look at I had to see some things I wasn't nearly comfortable with. But that's helped me know where I draw the lines and what I know I'll just discard. In your case, you must already know your range is larger than average and that's why you worded your question this way.

To my point of view, anything that cheers or encourages the harm of others will always have a rather violent response on my side. Since it goes against my moral compass, I won't engage with and I'll report without hesitation if I don’t take other mesures...

Romantissism and gloryfication of twisted, taboo or depraved actions and psychology are also a big NO. I think it's wrong and harmful. Mainly, because this scenarios can influence someone with a more vulnerable mind.

I'll mention the difference between thoughts and actions: thoughts can be left as that, while actions will ALWAYS have consequences. While we have that clear, I think there's some safety to whatever you read.

There's a few subjects that would make me worry about a person and recommend them to seek professional help. If you are aware in any case that anything you read could lead to others giving this recommendation, it's totally your choice, but sometimes one might need that help.

To end, that one specific subject we all know involves minors, p________, it's unforgivable for me. I won't even say what I would do if I found out anyone around me with that content.

So, I could summarise it as: "I don’t judge often what others read, unless it's swaying to harm others. At the end of the day, it's a matter of preferences and if there is writers for it there will be those who read it." So I'm pretty... Neutral? Unless it's harmful.

I hope this answers your question. 🤔

[mangodestroyer]

My human AU Aziraphale definitely understands the frustration of researching something, examining legitimate sources and everything, and even taking classes on said subject at an accredited university, and still having people doubt him and think what he's saying is dumb. People who don't have knowledge on the subject, of course.

He's probably even encountered people strongly disagreeing with him on things he thought were basic knowledge. Things you learn about in grade school (in many cases and sometimes not so much in sad cases) over and over again such as climate change, which also has been researched by tons of scientists and has countless pure-reviewed journals with evidence of its existence. And is also discussed at great lengths in everyday life.

Aziraphale has learned the hard way that he needs to pick his battles. He sometimes slips up and tries to reason with those who won't budge, of course. That's just his personality. He makes the mistake of having too much faith in people. But otherwise, he has accepted that it can't be helped in some cases, or that he might just not be the right person for changing minds.

Yet another reason these two work so well imo. Crowley is shown in canon to recognize his intelligence. He only ever called him dumb when he tried to reason with those who can't be reasoned with. But still felt it was necessary to mention that he was "so clever." Sadly, Aziraphale is also often looked down upon in Heaven. He's not taken seriously at all. Which leads me to believe that Crowley might be one of the few people who takes him seriously and listens to him.

And it makes sense for Crowley to appreciate someone who goes against the norm and questions moronic ideas. I understand that Crowley doesn't always come off as the epitome of intelligence himself. He does lots of dumb things. But he's definitely not dumb. He can be very intelligent as well. And I'm sure Aziraphale can see that.

And I imagine it must be a huge relief when they talk to each other and are actually able to have civil, productive conversations due to common understandings of things and a lack of hang ups. Okay, not all the time. No relationship is perfect and their situation is unfortunate. But normally.

[realcube]

OVERHEARING SOMEONE TALK ABOUT THEIR S/O

characters ♡ baji, mikey & mitsuya

tw ♡ insults (in reference to the reader), violence & robbery 

KEISUKE BAJI 

♡ baji never mentioned that he was dating you to anyone in toman

♡ in fact, he hoped that none of them even knew about your existence, because that would only lead to trouble; and he was correct

♡ he was simply taking a puff on his stationary motorcycle, when members of the division started to filter into the parking lot that he was currently trying to relax in

♡ usually he’d try to ward off strangers so he could enjoy his time alone but he knew these guys from toman, so he allowed them to stay as long as they’d keep their voices down and not bother him

♡ most of his attention was on his own thoughts, but it was immediately redirected when he heard your name brought up in their conversation

♡ only your last name, so he wasn’t even certain whether they were talking about you, but still his interest was piqued 

♡ “they are on shift friday night, the only one left at eleven,” one of the guys explained, gesturing to his bat with a wicked smirk, “we’ll break in then. i’ll drive getaway.”

♡ “what if they call someone? shouldn’t we wait until they’ve left?” another suggested but was quickly corrected.

♡ “once they lock up the security system activates and it’ll be impossible to get in without alerting the cops. so we may as well bust in, handle them, and then steal the bikes.” 

♡ baji cringed, since he was certain that they were talking about you —since you happen to work at a motorcycle shop on friday nights — he hated to think about what they meant by ‘handle’.

♡ “now stop askin’ stupid questions.” the same guy scoffed, twirling around his bat, “i used to work there, idiot, obviously i know what i’m doing.”

♡ the group of six all laughed at the one poor guy who asked the question, and baji did too

♡ he laughed at the irony behind how they were calling each other idiots, when they were all the ones talking about auto theft in broad daylight, and discussing doing unspeakable things to a person, when their boyfriend was standing in ear-shot with a bat and a motorcycle ready 

♡ he did give them the benefit of the doubt in the latter aspect though; how were they supposed to know that y’all were dating when you are never seen spending time with each other?

♡ baji suddenly felt bad; it dawned on him that perhaps he had been neglecting your relationship as of recently. of course, it wasn’t with poor intention, in fact he thought he was taking the moral course of action by avoiding a situation where you are harmed because of his ties with toman

♡ however, being in a gang was no excuse to be a bad boyfriend, he figured 

♡ for now, the least he could do was take care of these guys to save you the trouble 

♡ but perhaps that wasn’t his brightest idea, he realised as he stood amongst the dejected bodies scattered across the ground, “i know you are all alive, so consider this a warning.” baji chuckled at the grunt one produced as he kicked him aside to head back over to his motorcycle

♡ before he left the area, obviously he stole all the cash he could from those guys, which gave him enough to buy the thing he had been eyeing for you

♡ though it took him a while to get his hands on it, it left him with the perfect opportunity to give it to you 

♡ “oi, open up!” baji hollered as he pounded on your door; if baji wasn’t such a bruiser, you would’ve thought he was dying 

♡ “what!?” you hissed, throwing the door open to reveal your frantic state.

♡ you were half angry at how loud he was being, and the other half at how he has been ignoring you for the past two weeks and finally decides to show up just as you were about to leave for work, in fact, you were running late for your night shift

♡ “no need to rush.” baji said, an odd sense of sincerity in his voice as he motioned for you to stop putting your shoes on, “you’re not going to work today.”

♡ you simply laughed, ignoring him and gathering your stuff to leave, “and why is that?”

♡ “well,” baji started, rubbing his chin for effect, “these guys from toman plan on robbing the place tonight. i did give them a warning, but they might still do it. and you know i just want you to be safe.” he said with a mischievous grin, as you both knew there was no way your shop was getting robbed tonight, unless the dudes wanted to try it with both arms broken 

♡ “so did you just come here to tell me that, or is there something else?” although you tried to hide it, baji could tell by your subtle flustered expression that you were thankful

♡ “i found this.” he lied, cupping your hand to lift it and drop in a gold bracelet, “one of the guys had it on him.”

♡ you gasped, taking the bracelet to examine the fine details, and noticed how it had a small crystal heart attached, “yeah, i’m sure a member of toman just so happened to be wearing a charm bracelet.”

♡ “i never said he was wearing it!” baji spat, swiftly snatching it from your hand and holding it above his head, “i can pawn it if you don’t want it.” 

♡ “i like it, though!” you said, reaching up for it, only for him to grab your wrist and put it on you 

♡ “then forgive me for not hanging with you.” he muttered, angrily clipping the bracelet through furrowed brows, while you leaned in to plant a kiss on his forehead 

♡ “it’s fine. i forgive you.” you couldn’t help but snicker at his word choice of ‘hanging out’, which resulted in you getting a swift flick to the forehead

♡ but before you could whine, he quickly followed it up with a kiss <33

MIKEY 

♡ one day he was visiting mizo to find takemichi and he happened to walk passed a group of guys talking about how one of them planned on asking out a person from a different school 

♡ at first he didn’t pay much attention since it was none of his business after all, until he heard that the person’s name and description just so happened to match yours 

♡ so like any good boyfriend would, he halted and told draken to grab takemichi while he listened in 

♡ as he gained more insight into the situation, he learned that the person happened to go to the same academy as you and had the same bus schedule too 

♡ it didn’t take a genius to figure out that the person they were talking about was you 

♡ as it turns out, the guy who planned on asking you out had your bus times memorised so if he was able to run fast enough, he would be able to reach your stop before you got on the bus, which is when he will ask you out

♡ or at least, that is what he hoped would happen if everything went smoothly and there was no unexpected interference from a group of delinquents

♡ mikey had many options on how to deal with this situation

♡ he could ask you to take a different bus, he could do nothing (because he trusted that you’d reject the guy either way) or he could beat them up right now to save himself the hassle later

♡ however, he decided to go with a more peaceful approach 

♡ he continued eaves-dropping until everyone besides the lover boy had left, so he could have an amicable one-on-one conversation with him — definitely no threats involved — and advise the guy to stay in his fucking lane and never go near you ever again, kindly. 

♡ when the day of the proposal arrived, mikey paid you a surprise visit after school and offered to walk you to the bus-stop; not because he was afraid that the dude might confess, but rather since he had booked you both tickets to the movies!

♡ but once you both arrive at the stop, you were greeted by the guy standing there holding a measly bouquet of flowers, looking quite taken back by the fact you were with someone else; even though mikey had done him the courtesy of explicitly telling him to back off 

♡ though he must’ve not got message despite the hand-holding, and he obviously didn’t recognise mikey, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have continued to confess, albeit with quivering limbs and a black eye

♡ but before he could even stutter out a greeting, mikey hissed at him, “what the are you doing?” yet the guy only replied with a shrug

♡ upon observing the interaction, your eyes widen as you turned to look at mikey, “do you know him?”

♡ “never seen him before in my life, dear.” he smiled sweetly, but it was ineffective; you already knew he was lying as soon as he called you ‘dear’. 

♡ “(y/n)!” the guy yelled, trying to catch your attention, but only shaking even more as your gaze fell on him, “i was going to ask you, if—”

♡ mikey let out an exaggerated yawn, widely outstretching his arms to distract both of you, “this has been fun, but we’re running late for the movie.” 

♡ “but i’m not fin—” the poor boy was once again interrupted by mikey waving him goodbye, grabbing your hand and swiftly guiding you around him, back on the route to the cinema

♡ before he even got the chance to cry another plea, you had both already disappeared around the corner 

♡ once mikey had dragged you both far enough away from the bus-stop, you began your interrogation, “seriously, who was that? and what was he trying to say? did you give him the black eye?” you had to stop to take a deep breath, “also, you said the movie would start in the evening!”

♡ mikey brought your hand up —which he had a tight grip on — and kissed the back of it gently, “my bad,” he chuckled slightly, a mischievous grin playing on his lips, “i forgot to mention him. i met him a few days ago and he was planning to ask you out so i politely informed him that you were taken.”

♡ “for some reason, i don’t believe that last part.”

♡ he snickered, “and yeah, the movie starts in the evening so we’re not running late. but he wasn’t taking the hint!” he whined while clinging to your arm, as if you were going to run away from him at any second, “forgive me?”

♡ “sure, whatever.” you sighed, rolling your eyes as you watched his expression light up, “but next time, mind your own business! i could’ve just said no, instead of you beating him up, or whatever you did.”

♡ “noted.”

MITSUYA TAKASHI

♡ during his time as the second division leader of toman, he’s overheard all kinds of stuff that he probably wasn’t supposed to; awkward small talk, plans to commit felonies, deep conversations, weed brownie recipes, discussions about health issues — the list goes on forever!

 ♡ however, one topic he has never heard any one ever have the audacity to speak about (within a ten mile radius of him), is you. even though, your relationship was public to toman. 

♡ your name was often kept out of people’s mouth since you rarely interacted with any of the gang members when you visited, hence they didn’t really have anything bad (or good) to say about you. none of them knew you besides the title ‘boss’ partner’. 

♡ so, that’s why mitsuya had to do a double take when he heard someone in his division mutter to the guy beside him, “why does his friend keep visitin’? it’s annoying. plus, they just sit and don’t talk to anyone besides ‘im. they must think they’re better than us or something.” right after mitsuya mentioned that you were visiting toman.

♡ he couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow; did that guy really think that he was being sly and quiet? by the look on his face, he seemed pretty self-assured. 

♡ “um, i heard you, idiot.” he hissed, pinching his nose and shaking his head as he watched the knucklehead stare at him dumbfounded, as if the whole room hadn’t heard him too.

♡ “don’t say shit like that. they don’t think they’re better than anyone.” he scorned, balling his fist and almost twitching with anger, fighting the urge to pummel that guy for the sake of his own reputation in toman

♡ and that impulse almost immediately dissipated as soon as you entered the room; his hand loosened and opened to cup your cheek

♡ he was as sweet as can be for the rest of the night, of course, and he still managed to send that dude daggers whenever he got the chance. 

[erineverly]

“you have no idea how happy i am now that we’re both on board with this idea of waiting a bit longer to try again and start a family and working on our marriage and ourselves first. this way our babies will never have to go through what we went through,” she says with a small smile, tucking a damp strand of hair behind his ear with affection. she only hopes he won’t grow impatient after a month or two and change his mind. “i don’t know,” she admits after a moment of consideration, her voice quiet and timid because she’s scared of the possibility that both of their approaches to intimacy are indeed healthy and they simply aren’t compatible. she doubts even the most skilled therapist could fix that, and then what would their options be? miserable life together? divorce? both seem equally as terrifying. “i hope that’s not the case.” she lowers her gaze and shrugs, for the first time realizing that her initial optimism might have been unfounded. maybe what they’re doing by trying to get back together and patch their marriage up is simply prolonging their agony? “i don’t think there’s an easy fix or some magical cure to what we’re dealing with, but there must be some sort of solution. i mean, if we manage to get to the bottom of the problem and learn how to answer all the why’s,” why is physical intimacy such an issue for her? why is his sex drive so high? “we’ll find a way to get better and understand each other’s needs,” she insists, refusing to lose what little hope she’s got left. she still doesn’t think that either of their approaches to sex is healthy — she wonders if his hyper-sexuality might be a response to abuse, everything he’d been through while he was just a little boy, and also wonders if her own state of mind is to blame for her sexual desire or the lack of it. after all, there are many psychological causes of both high and low sex drive. hearing him go on about how he wants a lot more from her than just physical intimacy, she listens attentively and actually waits for him to finish instead of doing the usual and interrupting him mid-sentence whenever she disagrees with something. “so, you think we don’t get along because our libidos are basically incompatible by nature? well, i think it’s the other way around. our libidos are incompatible at the moment and have been for a while because we don’t get along,” she says with a sigh, appreciating his honesty and the fact that they’re finally able to talk about these issues without storming off or yelling and throwing things at each other. it feels refreshing in a way, if only the issue wasn’t so serious… 

“hypothetically speaking, would you be okay with making love to me tonight?” she inquires, tilting her head slightly to the side but otherwise keeping a serious expression on her face. it’s a genuine question and she won’t judge him for whatever his answer might be. “because i don’t think i would, and it has nothing to do with whether or not i find you attractive, it has nothing to do with my libido or hormones or whatever… it has everything to do with what we’re going through. i mean, just yesterday i spent all day in bed, crying, and when i walked in here? i found your letter and i was sure you’d taken your own life and it was too late,” her voice breaks, eyes fill with tears at the mere thought, but she swallows the lump in her throat and forces herself to keep going, “and i wasn’t really wrong. you had a gun in hand and i’m convinced it’s a miracle you’re still here now. what i’m saying is… how am i supposed to put all these emotions aside and make love to you when i constantly worry about our future and wonder what’s gonna fall apart next?” she doesn’t want to live like a nun and does enjoy sex, a lot, which leads her to believe that if they only managed to have a healthy relationship, if she started to feel secure and knew they would be okay, she’d crave this particular kind of intimacy a lot more.

while he’s kissing her, his lips working feverishly against her own, she forgets about their problems, but the second he’s pulling back, it’s all coming back to her. pale blue eyes flutter open and gaze at him with equal amount of love and confusion. can they make it work? her own cheeks are burning, too. her skin still tingling where he’s touched her. heart pounding so fast that its rhythmical beat is all she can hear for a long, long moment. of course, her body reacts to him, his touch, the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips, how good it feels to be with him, but her brain’s interfering before any ideas can truly form in her mind. she brings a hand to her lips and tentatively touches the bottom one, still sensitive and swollen and redder than usual, as if hoping to make the taste of him linger, but also to keep herself from biting it anxiously. she watches him and decides something’s off about his behavior, but she can’t quite figure out what exactly. “gentle, be gentle,” she softly instructs, reaching for his wrist. her legs are still curled around his waist, afraid if she lets go, he’ll disappear. “do you want me to help you with this, baby?” she needs to occupy her hands with something and it looks like he’s about to pull his hair out and go bold prematurely if he keeps tugging on it like this.

“it’s just fucked up and sad, it really is. but that’s why we vowed we’d change so our kids won’t end up the same way.” they don’t have to suffer and be put through going through life so dysfunctional and unsure how to cope with their emotions. “is it really? maybe what both of us is doing is healthy but sadly we just aren’t compatible in our sex life and makes it seem either i’m too much and you’re too less and that makes it come as unhealthy.” because he doesn’t really know how he’s supposed to stop wanting sex, he doesn’t really want to stop, much like she probably doesn’t want to learn to start having more of it. “it’s not all i want from you…even if you think it is, it’s not. i leave you alone for months at a time, we go on dates, i spend time with you without anything sexual happening because i do enjoy being together without sex too you know… but i can’t help it comes off as too much once it’s been awhile and i’m trying to initiate something. then you get to thinking it’s all i want from you, cause it’s barely what you want from me. so like i said, i just don’t think we’re equal in this area and that’s why we don’t get along and why you think these things and why i think you don’t want me at all. there’s not much we can do about it. you can’t force yourself to like it and i can’t force myself not to like it.” it’s stressful, he wants his wife to be more sex addicted and more initiative and adventurous and she wants her husband to be less sex addicted and less initiative and tamer. it really doesn’t work because it’s obviously not their personalities and he wonders what a therapist would even suggest. but shortly after the kiss extends, he grows confused what she’s trying to do here. are they just kissing or is she trying to start more? he guarantees if it were to be the latter, she’s just doing it to shut him up. but he wasn’t even horny and even thinking about fucking for once, so that confuses him more. maybe…he is just overthinking. he decides that so he doesn’t ruin himself of the kiss and the little bit of fulfillment it brings him. he loves being touched on his chest, but that’s the thing, he just loves her touch too much and always gets wrapped up in it and then he will get turned on so after he kisses her upper lip and bottom lip feverishly with his hands running up her bare sides under her shirt, rubbing and squeezing her hips as his weight begins to tilt her backwards, he pulls away once it gets to that heated point and quickly turns his thoughts on something else.

his cheeks flushed red and lips swollen as he looks behind her and grabs the hair brush. trying not to think about how hot it was or how her legs feel wrapped around his hips, how being locked between her legs makes his heart race from that familiar feeling of being in between them. his cheeks reddening more, he thinks about splashing cold water on his face while starting to brush through his hair and pretending he’s the tame, not horny, innocent church boy she wants him to be. why did god have to give anyone hormones? clearly, to reproduce and make more humans otherwise the population would go extinct. obviously he gets that. but why can’t they, as humans, be designed like wild animals and only mate once or twice a year then? why does his body start jolting in sexual arousal all because her hand lays on his chest, her legs envelope him and her lips press to his. what’s the definition and meaning to that, then? there’s so many questions he has and would definitely think it’d make his life easier being with a beautiful woman when she decides to attack his lips. it could be so easy to pull her panties off and position her against this sink and— he brushes faster, pulling at some stubborn knots on purpose under his scalp, “owww.” that fucking hurts but the pain is RELIEVING.

[tnystrk-exe]

Estocolmo 3

Hannibal x Reader

Masterpost

First Chapter

Warnings: 18+ thigh riding, in a public setting, degration, cockwarming

Word count: 6k

Chapter Three

Maybe you hadn’t thought through about going to Hannibal’s dinner party. In the moment you had just missed the sound of his voice. His touch… Okay, you were motivated by other things than how much fun you would have at this little dinner party of his.

However you had to pull a lot of strings and work extra shifts, just so your bosses would even consider letting you off for a couple days. You were a valuable worker, one that would damage them to lose, but pettiness didn’t know any bounds. The stress was adding up. Still you trudged through it all. Not one to ever want to end up on Hannibal’s bad side.

You didn’t like making the perfect, polite ones angry. Loud anger you could handle. You were used to it. Quiet anger was just upsetting. He’d be upset you let him down, but he wouldn’t say it right. A soft sigh followed by a half meant it’s okay would probably be the most he’d give you. Disappointing him was a no go.

“I can’t wait for you to leave.”

“You’re so good at making me feel loved.”

“You know I do!” She laid back in your bed, arm’s comfortably behind her head, “But since you planned yourself a date. I did too.”

You grabbed clothes and threw them into a small duffel bag. “The chick from work?”

“God I wish. Can't work up the courage.”

“Don’t tell me you called up Reggie,” you laughed.

“Don’t tell me you got called up by Hannibal,” she mocked your voice. “Look! We’re a team! You can get dicked by someone that doesn’t deserve you. And I’ll romance a very pretty woman the entire weekend.”

“When is she getting here?”

“I’m shooting the text the second you’re out that door.”

You sighed, “You replace me so easily.”

“Oh baby,” she cooed, “Remember who’s leaving who.”

“A couple of days. You could be lonely for a few days.”

Alex walked you out. Stressing that you had to text her throughout your drive. It was only a three hour drive, but a lot could happen within that time.

All in all it wasn’t a bad trip. Monotonous without your usual partner in the passenger seat, but not bad. Your nerves bit at you. Hannibal’s social presence really was everything to him. Your head ran though countless ways you could mess up the night. Ultimately you wouldn’t, you knew that, but your brain sure did like to torture you with the idea.

“Everything will be fine,” you told yourself as you parked alongside the manor. Staying in the car for a moment you built yourself up. It was Hannibal. He knew about your home life. How you took your coffee. The things you’ve allowed him to do to you. Probably some understanding of things that he hadn’t done to you yet. A knock on your window pulled you out of your thoughts.

Opening the door you got out of the car.

“You weren’t thinking of running away, I hope,” Hannibal greeted.

“I wasn’t. Nerves,” you admitted. “It’s usually just the two of us, y’know…”

“Darling,” he scoffed, adjusting a piece of your hair, “I have no doubt in my mind that my companions wouldn’t adore you as much as I do.”

You moved to grab your bag, only for Hannibal to immediately take it from you. “You say that now, but that’s only because you’ve become accustomed to that certain charm I have at three in the morning after a night of studying. I’m not sure I can be as adorable to all of your friends.”

“Anyone that thinks otherwise has no place in my home.” Hannibal grabbed your hand in his own, leading you to the manor.

Once the front door closed, he wasted no time pulling you close. The kiss was long and rough. Both attempting to make up for lost time in the limited minutes you had. A soft moan from you made him press you against the door, the bag that had been in his hand long forgotten. His hand pressed lightly against your throat as he pushed a knee in between yours.

It was a long while before he pulled away. He rested his forehead against yours. “I’ve missed my favorite plaything,” He spoke into the shared air, “You’ve been away so long.”

“Your favorite?” You asked, looking at him dazed.

He smiled, mischief in his eyes. “I’d wager they couldn’t kiss you so well you’d look at them like they hung the stars after.”

“I do not!”

“Of course you don’t, darling.” He picked up your bag. “Come, we should start getting dressed.” You followed Hannibal up the stairs to his room. Apparently yours too, at least for the next couple of nights, since he emptied the contents of your bag into an empty dresser drawer. “You’re more than welcome to explore if you do get uncomfortable. I know meeting a sea of people can feel overwhelming.”

“I’m just afraid I’ll be out of place.”

“You’re exactly where I want you to be,” he disappeared into the walk-in closet, “The other’s are decent enough people. However, it makes sense that such divine beauty doesn’t fit in amongst commoners. I’d never dream of you finding yourself their equal.”

You walked over to examine the drawings he had hung on the wall next to his bed. “I’m not sure I’m worthy of such high thought.”

He came back, placing the suit and dress onto the bed. Standing behind you, he wrapped his arms around you, resting his head on your shoulder. “I really do mean it, beloved. You’re strong and intelligent. As much as I’d like to, you won’t allow me to pull strings and help you. That’s more than most of the crowd coming over tonight. They haven’t faced hardships like yourself and I. Don’t allow yourself to be treated less than and, please, tell me if anyone makes you feel that way.”

You turned your head, kissing his cheek. “I’m not sure I believe it, but I’m grateful for the thought.”

“I simply must make it my mission to prove it.” He inhaled deeply, “You’ve changed your perfume?”

“I liked the one you bought,” you said simply, getting out of his arms, you looked at the dress he had gotten you. The piece of fabric was easily the most expensive thing you owned now. It didn’t match his suit, but the two certainly complimented each other. “You really didn’t have to.”

“I want to,” he went to open another dresser drawer, pulling out a small box, “Consider it all a graduation present. You worked hard and deserve a reward for it. We didn’t get a chance to see one another before you left.”

“You’ve had these since then?” You asked.

“Of course. How could I resist an opportunity to find you a gift? And with Alex so graciously allowing me to buy you a dress, I figured tonight would be a wonderful time to give you your gift.” He opened the jewelry box.

“Hannibal,” you gasped quietly, the jewelry glimmered brightly, “It’s beautiful.” Usually you weren’t one for objects, but this was also the most thoughtful thing you’ve ever received. Hannibal had taken the small bits he knew of you and picked out the perfect pieces of jewelry for you. It was the feeling of being known so well that made it special.

“The second I saw this set I couldn’t help but think of my darling girl. Would you like me to put the necklace on you now?”

You quickly shook your head, “After I get dressed, please. I wouldn’t want to risk dirtying it while I’m getting ready.”

“In that case, I’ll show you where you can get ready.”

You grabbed the things you needed to make yourself look presentable and followed Hannibal to the bathroom. To your surprise he started to undress after he hung up his suit and your dress. You shrugged it off and set your stuff on the counter, you were more than comfortable with him and you and Alex had taken to doing similar in your cramped bathroom early mornings. The shower turned on while you took out your makeup. His humming filled the otherwise quiet room.

When you were pleased with how your makeup looked, you moved on to fussing with your hair. The shower shut off and your eyes wandered briefly in the mirror. You watched the show as he dried off his chest and followed the towel up as he dried his hair. He caught your eye, brow raised, you shrugged and sent a wink his way.

You got undressed, tossing your clothes in the hamper as you did. Walking over to the dress you felt the fabric between your fingers, studying the intricate pattern that was sown on to it.

“You don’t like it, darling?” Hannibal asked as he buttoned his shirt. “There’s another in the closet, but I was hopeful you’d like this one. You'd look stunning.”

“Admiring,” you stated simply, “Wait there’s another?”

“There’s a show, I’d like to see tomorrow. I figured it could be an outing for us.” He checked himself over before styling his hair. “This is ‘Making it worth my while’ as Alex said.”

“Han, you know better than to listen to Al.” You sighed, “I’m grateful, I honestly am. It’s just embarrassing. I really can’t give you anything in return.”

Hannibal came over to you, holding one of your hands in his. “They’re simple trinkets of my affection. In the end they all mean nothing. YN, you grace me with your presence and time, which is something that can never be repaid in form. I hold you dearly, your time is more than I deserve.”

You stood on the tips of your toes kissing him gently. There was all the time later for a rougher touch. Now you just wanted to feel him pressed close against yourself. A brief flick of thought asked if you really wanted this to just be a fleeting thing between friends. Pulling away, you gave him one final kiss to the side of his mouth.

“You’re allowed to give me one gift a month,” you teased, as you grabbed his tie and set to work on tying it for him. “You’re not my sugar daddy, as much as Alex wishes you were.”

“And you’re welcome to set as many rules as you’d like when it comes to this. However, what’s forcing me to follow them?” His hands grazed along your sides, “We both understand who makes the rules, don’t we little one?”

The part of you that had become accustomed to that particular tone, faltered slightly. “Hannibal, we’re not always in sessions,” you reminded him as you tightened the tie, “You can’t just have your way.”

“Why not?”

You shook your head, annoyed, “Or you can do what you’d like. It’s your wallet after all.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologized immediately, “I don’t want to offend you.”

You let it go, there was no use to fight over this. “It’s okay, you’re only teasing right?”

“May I please see you in the dress?” He asked, lightening the mood.

You turned, returning to the piece of elegant fabric. Carefully you pulled it on. He really was excellent when it came to fashion. The dress hugged the right places and accentuated everything wonderfully. Hannibal stepped behind you once again. Zipping the back for you, his fingers trailing up as he did. Carefully, he moved your hair to the side as he fixed the necklace in place. Dipping his head down, he kissed that spot on your neck he had quickly learned turned you to putty in his hands. You leaned against him, angling your neck to give him better access as a soft moan escaped. His teeth grazed gently against your neck, he seemed to toy with the idea of making a mark before backing away. As much as he’d enjoy to see it blossom, he knew you had many first impressions to make.

You whimpered at the loss of contact. Suddenly realizing just how much you had missed him.

“I know, little one,” he sighed, pressing a kiss on the side of your ear, “but we have a night to get through. After this, I belong to you. We will have all tomorrow for each other.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

-

The dinner party was beautifully done. Of course it was. Hannibal never spared any expense, let alone when he was trying to impress. He had introduced you to a couple people, they were nice enough, but you just couldn’t find a connection with them. You definitely steered clear of Bedelia. That woman was intimidating to a whole other degree. Definitely someone you could actually see Hannibal going after. You wondered why he didn’t.

An hour into the dinner party, you slipped away. He had said you could explore and honestly, without him you weren’t much for conversation. You had already gotten a snide look for saying you worked at a bar on nights, but they didn’t hold much interest for you either. All the conversations you had heard were meaningless droning. People constantly trying to one up another or bragging about something new they acquired or some business deal.

So it was safe to say no one noticed your absence. Well maybe one extremely observant man.

You found yourself in his library, taking residence in a nook next to a window. Hannibal’s sketch book in your lap as you looked over his drawings. Each drawing looked like he must have spent hours on it. You marveled at his talent, watching the range go from almost romantic to grouesome. Some things could be recognized as his take on art pieces, and landscapes, while others seemed to be originals. The originals were darker in nature, but you supposed it made sense. He saw death as something comforting and could be considered beautiful. Of course it would translate into his pieces.

The door opened, revealing the man that occupied your thoughts at the moment. “Is everything alright, darling? No one bothered you, I hope.”

You smiled up at him. “I’m fine. I just wanted a break, I’m getting a little bit of a headache.”

“Oh?” He touched your forehead with the back of his hand, “Are you feeling well?”

“I’ll go back in a moment,” you promised himas you brought his hand down to press a peck onto it, “Go enjoy your party.”

“They can keep themselves entertained for a while.”  He took a seat next to you, pulling you to rest against him. “I could use a moment too.”

You couldn’t stave off the smile that played on your lips to get to have him to yourself. He made you feel comfortable and honestly you were out of your element at this party. Hannibal rested his head against the wall. That left his neck vulnerable and you couldn’t resist placing a kiss on it.

“Why must you insist on acting up when we are alone, darling girl?” He hummed quietly, his hand entertained itself absentmindedly drawing things on your thigh.

“I missed you,” you insisted. “Not just like that. We used to spend a lot of time together.”

“It has been a long time. I’m sorry about that.”

“I had your number too. I’m not completely out of blame.”

“Well, you’ll find a way to make it up to me.” He tugged you closer, “You’re too far.”

You straddled one of his thighs, placing your hand on his shoulders. “I’m sure you have a couple ideas of how.”

“A couple.”

Leaning in you caught him in a kiss. His hand started to trail lower, you caught him by the wrist before he got to his destination, placing his hand back on your hip. With his original plan voided, he bounced his thigh against you, the hands on your hips helping you grind down. You couldn’t help the moan you let out. Letting him continue until you remembered the party happening not so far away.

“Hannibal,” you whined against his lips, “Not right now.”

“But you sound so sweet, darling, don’t mind them.” He continued his earlier assault on your neck, this time not thinking twice before sucking his mark onto it. “You look so beautiful tonight. I know you can give me one before we’re missed, you’re always so good for me. Don’t you want to be good?”

The growing lust clouded your judgement. Hannibal’s soft words and the gentle but perfect rhythm he was working on made it hard to find any reason to argue.

“Yes, daddy,” you sighed softly, “I want to be good for you.”

The door opened again, followed by a dramatic gasp, “Hannibal, having dessert before the rest of us?” The strange man eyed you, “Plan on sharing?”

Hannibal had been quick to tug down the dress that had rode up, keeping you safe from prying eyes. “Unfortunately, I’m not one for sharing. If you don’t mind waiting in the hall. I’ll meet with you in a second.”

“Oh, I’d much prefer to stay. Hello, what’s your name? Is Hannibal keeping you entertained?”

You hid your face against Hannibal’s shoulder, your face burning to the touch.

“Shy thing isn’t she, daddy?”

“I really must insist you leave now,” Hannibal said, the anger evident in his voice.

“Fine, killjoy.” You heard retreating steps and the door closed again.

“Of course out of everyone to find us it was the gossip,” he sighed to himself, dropping a kiss to the top of your head, “I’m sorry about that, love.”

“I told you not now,” you said, pulling away and going back to your seat beside him.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he kissed the back of your hand, “I thought we’d have a couple more minutes before someone looked for us, let alone find us. Let me handle this and then you’ll never see him again.”

You nodded. “Can I go to the room for the night? He made me feel… strange.”

“Darling,” he cupped your cheek, a sad look in his eyes, “this is your home more than anyone else out there. Don’t let him ruin the night for us. I’ll make sure he’s gone and stay by you the rest of the night. Does that sound okay?”

And true to his word he was, he had escorted the man out quickly once he found him. However the Gossip was apparently a fast worker, because a couple people did give you lingering looks. Though they were quick to save face if they so much as thought Hannibal noticed. Whatever they thought didn’t matter. You were two grown, consenting adults that enjoyed each other’s company, be damned what others thought. Throughout the night you kept telling yourself that, hoping to cut the embarrassment short. A couple times you caught yourself, thoughtlessly intertwining your fingers with Hannibal’s when you were less than sturdy. Each time he squeezed your fingers gently, quiet reassurance that he was there for you.

-

You woke up the following morning. Hannibal was still asleep beside you, it must have been early. He looked sweet in the mornings. Relaxed, not as stiff as he usually was, his hair sticking up in places he’d immediately flatten out once he woke as he greeted you with that deeper more accented voice that accompanied the mornings. You pressed a kiss to his chest, before carefully removing the arm that was sprawled across your stomach.

Looking at the clock, you considered the time. There was enough if you worked quickly. Standing up, you grabbed one of your shirts and shorts. After freshening up, you made your way down to the kitchen.

It was different. You hadn’t toured much of the home, let alone know where anything was, but you gathered your bearings fast enough. The things you needed had been placed somewhat similarly to his old home and you set everything onto the counter. Protein scramble, fruit, and pancakes seemed like a good option today. The pancakes, he had taught you to make when you asked where the box mix was and obviously he wouldn’t stand for you not knowing how to make something so simple from scratch.

Your phone played music as you set to work, washing the used dishes along the way so there wasn’t too much of a mess.

As you were plating the food, you heard Hannibal call out your name.

“Kitchen!” You called out.

He was quick to meet you, “Darling, I could have made you breakfast. You should have stayed in bed with me.”

“I couldn’t sleep any more and you looked too sweet to wake,” you poured two cups of coffee and prepared them to both of your liking, “Figured why not play domestic for a while.”

“How did you like it?” He asked, walking over to take the cup from you.

“Eh well you know, the domestic life,” you shrugged, feeding him a cut strawberry, “I like to let my partner sleep in on Saturday’s and make them comfort breakfasts. Sometimes they ruin breakfast in bed by coming down too early, but what can you do?”

He chuckled around the bite of strawberry, “I’m sorry, beloved. I’ll stay put next time.”

“Yes, you will.” You stood on the tips of your toes to press a chaste kiss to his lips. “But I’m not too angry at you. I enjoy your company.”

His fingers toyed with the hem of your shirt. “Aren’t you usually sporting my shirts on these mornings?”

“I didn’t want to ruin one of them.”

“You couldn’t ruin a thing if you tried. I’ve got more than enough for you to steal away when you go back home too.”

“I only took them, because someone made a habit of messing up my shirts.”

“And your reasoning for keeping them, little one?” He grabbed the plates, “Come along, the mornings have been wonderful recently.”

You grabbed the cups. “You should’ve come and picked them up the same way I had. It’s your own fault they aren’t back where they belong.”

The afternoon was spent in each other’s company. Hannibal had insisted he’d wash the remaining dishes and asked you to pick up his sketchbook and pencils from the library since you were going to find yourself something to read. You did as asked, before returning outside. Setting his things on the table, you went to go sit in a sunny spot of grass.

It wasn’t long until Hannibal rejoined you outside and took a seat.

You glanced up curiously after a while, he was sketching away.

“Anything I can do for you, beloved?” He asked, not looking up from his work.

“Just watching.”

He hummed in response.

Some unease settled in your stomach when you remembered why exactly you were over here. What was the harm in voicing it? “Hannibal?” You waited until he looked up at you, “You’re okay that we haven’t slept together yet? I mean… I know that’s why I am here.”

It was true, the lingering looks you had gotten at dinner, paired with the small embarrassment of realizing one of Hannibal’s love bites got to bloom in front of them all threw you off at night. You had tried to let yourself go, let him have control of you for a while, but you couldn’t go past taking off some clothes and letting your hands feel the other. He didn’t mind when you didn’t want to do more. Always the gentleman. Instead he settled you against his chest, an arm keeping you close, quiet conversation and long breathtaking kisses filled the night.

“I’m not one of those little boys you’ve found,” he stated, seeming to be mildly offended, “I enjoy our quiet moments just as much, if not more. Sex is something else we could do together, nothing more. It’s not everything, little one. You’re not here for that purpose. What I enjoy is your company and I’ll take it any way you give it.”

You tilted your head looking at him closely, he mimicked you, narrowing his eyes at you playfully. That made you laugh softly, you decided he was being honest and not covering up his disappointment with sweet words. Patting the grass next to you, “Sit with me.”

“YN…”

“Please?” You asked, sweetening the pot with a pout.

He shook his head but gathered his things, soon joining you. Resting your head on his shoulder you looked at what he was sketching. The scene was you at the present moment. Half faced toward him, book in hand, completely relaxed, and more perfect than you ever dreamed of being.

“That’s an exaggeration, I’m not that beautiful.”

“That’s where we must differ, my love,” he kissed your temple, “Try as I might I’ll never be able to draw you with the dignity you deserve. It’s a poor imitation of the way I perceive you.”

“You’re a ridiculous man,” you said fondly, “Though I suppose I’d like to keep you around a while longer.”

“Suppose” he scoffed, “ You’d be lost without me.”

You stuck your tongue out at him childishly and went back to your book.

-

“Darling, I do adore when you take care of yourself, but we’ll be late if you don’t hurry,” Hannibal said, leaning on the bathroom’s door frame already dressed for the outing.

“It’s not my fault you always manage to get the bath perfect,” you groaned, getting out of the bathtub.

Hannibal walked over, grabbing a towel on his way. “I’ll run you another later.”

You took the towel, drying yourself off. It was nice to see a rare impatient Hannibal. There was more to that calm and collected demeanor he usually had. “You’re cute when you’re excited about something. Where are we going?”

“I got us tickets to the opera.”

“Really!” You lit up at that. When he talked about the shows he had seen before, he’d get so much more animated. It would be nice to experience one with him. “Which one?”

“Die Entführung aus dem Serail,” he answered, taking you in with a smile, “but darling, your excitement may go to waste, I’m afraid.”

“I’ll be quick!”

With you keeping your promise and Hannibal’s quick driving, it didn’t take anytime to make it to the opera house. There was time to spare and Hannibal socialized a bit, introducing you to other regulars. You exchanged pleasantries and let Hannibal control the conversation as you looked around the place. Some people you recognized from last night. One person you saw nod towards you whispering something to his companion.

“I didn’t think he’d be one for cradle robbing,” you caught the man say, as he eyed you up, “Lucky man. Reckon I could steal that little piece away?”

You subtly moved closer to Hannibal, feeling the heat rise to your face.

Hannibal turned his attention to you when the others started talking amongst themselves. “Are you alright?” He asked quietly, tucking away a strand of your hair that fell out of place.

“Yeah. I’m great,” you lied, knowing he’d probably take offense to any minute comment made about whatever kind of relationship the two of you had.

“Are you certain?” The tone of voice saying he knew you were hiding something. He always seemed to read you so easily. In that he knew you’d continue to deny anything. “Would you like to go to our seats now? The show should start in a couple of minutes.”

“Yes, please.”

Hannibal grabbed your hand in his, leading you away from the crowd. To your surprise he took you to a private balcony above the rest of the audience seating. “Since, it’s your first time, I figured privacy would do us well. No distractions,” he paused for a moment, “No one to get into that pretty little head of yours.”

“I just don’t enjoy all the looks and comments,” you sighed, allowing him to pull you down onto the seat with him. “I love spending time with you. It’s just soured by people that don’t mind their own.”

“It’s not ideal, but we mustn’t let them ruin our nights. With this kind of community, people make assumptions and talk. Darling, I really do insist you tell me when someone makes you upset.”

“I know, I know. Guess I should have braced for it more. I’m just not used to these kinds of things. When we’re alone it’s easy to just exist together. Just us.”

“I understand completely. However, I do enjoy that we finally got to leave the house. You look absolutely breathtaking tonight.”

You smiled at that, “Well, you do seem to have an eye for what suits me.”

“That, I do.”

Leaning your head on his shoulder, you breathed the comforting scent of his cologne, “I’m sorry I let them get to me when we're supposed to be enjoying our time together. It’s not fair to you.”

“They get annoying,” he gave your thigh a gentle squeeze, “Of course you’d take offense for us. There isn’t much we can do besides understand that we’re here for the right reasons. Though, it does get under my skin to see you affected so under my care.”

Soon the crowd made their way to the seats and the lights dimmed to near black. When the music started Hannibal whispered translations into your ear. You got caught up in the story between watching the characters go through their woes and Hannibal’s gentle voice guiding you through every detail. It was easy to see what Hannibal saw at these events. They really were thrilling to watch. Still it wasn’t so much the show, but getting to know another side of the man in question.

You looked at the man beside you, a happy smile plastered on your face. “Thank you for bringing me, Hannibal.”

“Anything for you, my love.”

“Your love?” You challenged teasingly.

A couple times he had thrown around the pet name. You didn’t take it for much. He was a sweet, old fashioned man, you had decided to believe. A sweet nothing that neither of you minded. Still you couldn’t deny the slight softness you felt from the moniker.

“You’ve promised yourself as all mine before,” he reminded you, “and I take no issue in claiming what’s mine.”

“That was said when I was drunk on you.”

“Deny all you’d like, sweet girl, you’re still mine.”

Hannibal tilted your head up slightly to kiss you. You couldn’t find it in yourself to care about why the music crescendoed in that moment. Not when he was kissing you with more passion than you had ever felt. He had a way of making it feel like you were the only beings in existence. Hannibal bit at your lip, asking for more, and you gave it to him without a thought. You’d do whatever he wanted at that moment. Still you couldn’t help grabbing his wrist when his hand found it’s way up your dress. He swallowed the helpless moan that slipped past your lips greedily.

You pulled away from him, your hips grinding onto his hand on their own accord. “Hannibal, I-“

He hushed you, “You’re missing a very important part of the show.” His hand didn’t let up from its ministrations as he continued to translate for you.

You went to cover your mouth with your hand, but Hannibal stopped you short, placing it back at your side. A quick mummer of be good was all he offered, not once stopping the pace he had set. You choked back the moan when he pressed against a spot that had been long neglected since the last time you paid him a visit. The music being so loud was your only safe haven, still, you pressed yourself further into Hannibal, hoping to hide yourself further from any wandering eyes that might look away from the show. Embarrassment and lust built with every thrust of Hannibal’s fingers. The former was getting increasingly easier to ignore as Hannibal pulled you closer and closer to your end. Pressing your face against his neck, you bit at the skin there in a cheap attempt at revenge for what he was putting you through.

Hannibal’s fingers stilled. A quiet chuckle met your ear when he heard your whimper of protest, stopping your hips as you attempted to help yourself. “Such an easy thing to toy with, you're nothing more than my own personal whore.” He didn’t miss the throb around his fingers at those words. “You’d let me use you however I’d like wouldn’t you?”

You gave a lazy nod as he brought his fingers up to your mouth. Eager to please him, hoping he’d let you finish, you opened your mouth and sucked his fingers clean. Behind your back, you felt him working himself out of his pants. Taking his hand away he adjusted your dress higher before pulling you on to his lap. With his other hand the head of his cock teased your clit, you forced yourself not to complain, knowing he’d go on longer if you did. When he finally pushed into you, you couldn’t fight off the moan of contentment as he filled you completely. Turning your head, you caught him in a languid kiss, caught up in only him despite the performance going on.

“Please?”

“What do you need?”

“You.” You shifted your hips slightly, “May I please move?”

“I’m sorry, little one,” you caught the slight upward twitch of his lip when you looked at him in disbelief, “I’d rather use you at my leisure.”

You whined in frustration, leaning against him knowing he’d play a cruel game. This time he offered no translations, keeping you entirely focused on the feeling of him buried deep inside of you doing nothing to help relieve your need for him. When you did manage to distract yourself, he circled your clit and gave a few sharp thrust, just enough to bring you back where he wanted you. His hand continued, changing the rhythm every so often so you’d stay aware of your position.

“I’ll be so good,” you begged helplessly.

“And yesterday you had been so against it despite having our privacy in the library,” he reminded you, pushing in and out of you in a too slow pace, but at least he was moving, “What was it that was missing, hm? The audience that could look up and see me using what’s mine?”

You didn’t know what had changed. Not truely. Maybe it was the couple of glasses of wine you had drunk throughout the day. Perhaps it was just finally getting what you had wanted for so long. Honestly, you couldn’t find yourself to be curious enough to find out.

“I wanna cum,” you told him, swallowing the embarrassment.

“I don’t know, darling, you’ve tried to find comfort with others. I really can’t say I approve of the notion. Suppose, I could just use you for your worth and leave you dry.” He groaned into your ear as you clenched around him, he sped up his thrust, “There’s my good girl, you like the sound of that?”

“Hannibal, please,” you whimpered, “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

“Beg for it.”

“I’ll never look for anyone else again. It was so stupid to think anyone else could make me feel as good as you.” Your breath hitched when he struck deeper, “I've been so desperate for you.”

“That’s all so very sweet, but that’s not exactly what I want to hear.”

You whined quietly as you tried to figure out the right combination of words to get you what you wanted. “I’m just yours… No one else’s… You’re the only one, I’m so sorry…”

“See? Was it so hard to apologize for your misconduct?”

You shook your head.

He pinched your thigh. “Words, darling.”

“No, daddy,” you moaned, as his hands guided your hips to move with him, “But I’ll be good for you now.”

“I still don’t think you deserve to cum, you pathetic thing.”

“You’ll let me?”

Hannibal’s hand grabbed your jaw roughly, making you look at him. “Next time I won’t be so generous. Understood?”

You swallowed down the slight twinge of fear that had worked its way into your system. “Yes, sir.”

He pushed your face away. “Work for it yourself.”

Tag list: @charc0al-grey @songofcosplay

[namtanlovesfilm]

axelle judges non bl shows > The Revenge

summary: Vee is the adopted son of a very powerful family. When Kate, a businesswoman from abroad, comes to disrupt the family’s lives, Vee has to choose between his allegiance and what’s right.

where to watch it: wetv | dramacool

grade: 9/10

pros:

- the story is just TOO good! this show has so many classic thai lakorn tropes, yet manages to feel very original and different from any thai drama I’ve seen before! it’s beyond entertaining and addicting to watch, and totally the kind of show that would be huge if thai dramas weren’t grossly overlooked.

- similarly, the writing was FIRE for this one. everything fit so well together, the plot twists were amazing, the writing kept you one your tiptoes the entire time and this was just a practically flawlessly executed show ngl.

- the actors slayed! I mostly watched this show for the cast and they did NOT disappoint. this is basically the best role from almost every actor in the cast!!! the dad was vile but incredible, non literally became one of my favorite actors from this role alone, mook was great & it was so satisfying seeing her branch out of the romance genre in more daring roles, foei BLEW ME AWAY, victor genuinely brought the heat, and even sing who still was better in not me & the gifted was amazing as always. I swear if you’re a fan of ANY of these actors and don’t watch this show, I don’t know what to tell you.

- the cinematography popped off ngl, this show is just so well made in every aspect!!! some shots will stay forever burned in my mind & once again, if this was an american or korean show it would be insanely popular (no I’m not salty at all looooooool.) also the special effects, when they appeared, were NEXT LEVEL!!!

- for a show that’s mostly action-centered, they still manage to give the characters that deserved it character development, which is why it ranks higher than other action shows that don’t do that for me. here, even though only vee & kate have significant character development, it just worked really well, and vee as a main character was truly one of the most fascinating main lead I’ve ever witnessed, you root so much for him but you also doubt him in some instances... it’s just SO good.

- I usually HATE the inclusion of r*pe scenes in shows because they feel really exploitative and often sexualized, yet here I didn’t feel that way at all. don’t get me wrong the r*pe scenes are very explicit and genuinely some of the most vile scenes I’ve ever witnessed, yet it’s really not glamorized at all and is meant to feel incredibly disgusting and helpless, showing that this powerful family literally does not know even fearing the consequences of their actions. so for me that was definitely a good point, even though yeah this show is a LOT so watch at your own discretion.

- I actually really loved the romance! in such a dense and intense show, I think it’s very difficult to make romance work and they did it! it’s a pretty small part of the show but it still works wonderfully and adds some relief to an otherwise very hardcore story, and it just worked really well in my opinion :)

cons:

- this is a very hardcore show as already stated, so while I could handle it, it’s also not a comfort show in any way or something I would recommend to everyone.

would I rewatch it: yes

This show was the first one I watched this year, and it immediately became not only my favorite of the year, but one of my favorite thai dramas in general. If you like suspense dramas with lots of plot twists and great acting, I genuinely could not recommend this show more.

[ddarker-dreams]

Contractual Obligations II. Yan Childe x Reader

Warnings: Unwanted physical contact, general yandere themes. Word count: 2.2k. →Part I. 

The sound of heavy, wooden doors shutting behind you feels like a premonition of what is to come. 

Fiddling with your skirt, your eyes dart around, taking in Liyue’s signature rich architecture. Fatui building or not, they still must abide by Liyue’s aesthetic. You thought being surrounded by your home’s design would bring solace. Warm shades of mahogany with gold motifs are illuminated by paper lanterns, giving a glow that would be otherwise pleasant, if not for the circumstances. 

You had anticipated a long wait. Ekaterina, upon hearing your name, informed that you would be seen without delay. The others in the lobby of Northland Bank grumbled at this, much to your embarrassment. It’s no secret that getting appointments here is a time-consuming endeavor. Sailors, business owners, and Qixing’s personal assistants alike had to wait. 

For whatever reason, you were allowed to skip ahead of the queue. The glaring special treatment is bound to spread rumors. Now, here you stand, unable to quell your nerves. This is no different than strolling into a ravenous lion’s den. The vulnerability you feel now makes you wish you were facing a carnivorous beast, at least then you might have hope to defend yourself. 

Even with the unexpected privilege of not waiting in the lobby, you’ve been standing here in this private room for a while now. Thirty minutes is your guess, impatience creeping up on you. Your shoulders slump, a sigh leaving your lips. There’s lots of work to be done when you’re done here, time a precious resource. Wasting it to get answers from the blight on your life is infuriating. 

Figures, the one time you need to speak with Childe, he’s nowhere to be seen. Every other time he’d show up at the least opportune moments. He has a habit of appearing uninvited and ruining what would’ve been a pleasant day. Lost in thought, you consider all that must be done when you return to your parent’s shop, too occupied with your thoughts to notice a looming figure. Two hands go out to cover your eyes, the world suddenly going dark. Heart pounding against your chest, the touch is too unexpected, heat rising in your body as protection.

“Guess who?” Childe hums into your ear with a singsong tone. His scent reminds you of the ocean, fresh and light. 

You frown, noticing how close he is to you, his chest pressed against your back. Does Childe not know what personal space is? “The source of my problems.” 

He lets out a scandalized gasp and slinks in front of you. Childe boasts a lighthearted demeanor, mirth dancing in his eyes, and a tight-lipped smile on his face. Inauthentic as ever, you note. You’ve seen what lays dormant behind the thin veil of boyish charm. The infinite darkness that you never wish to see again. He’s still closer to your person than you’d prefer, but pointing it out won’t do any good, so you decide to overlook it. Picking your battles wisely is vital when speaking with Childe.

“Is that the greeting I get, after rushing all the way here?” Childe sighs. Before you could respond, you notice a new scent in the air, unmistakably leather. It takes you a moment to identify the source. A thin, wispy trail of smoke rises from Childe’s leather gloves that had been touching you just prior. Does that not hurt? Childe catches you staring and laughs. 

“So you didn’t notice,” Childe sounds amused, lifting his hands to inspect them. Raising his hands to his mouth, he bites the tip of his gloves and pulls them off. “Looks like I caught you.” 

He nods to your necklace which is tucked beneath your blouse, scarlet light shining through the fabric. Instinctually, you cover it with your hand, the jewel warm to the touch. Childe’s abrupt physical touch had activated your Vision. It’s only when you take a few deep breaths that the telling glow fades away, but the damage is already done. Did he plan this on purpose? Whatever the case may be, Childe is the last person you want having this information.

Sensing your apprehension, he speaks up. “Relax, I already assumed as much, but my interest is undeniably piqued. Why hide your Vision? This isn’t Inazuma, I was under the impression Visions were revered in Liyue.” 

You don’t owe Childe an explanation, but your intuition tells you he’s not going to let this go anytime soon. This isn’t what you came here for, you remind yourself. Don’t let him distract you.

“It’s a long story,” comes your dismissive answer, glancing around to see if anyone else had seen, even though it’s only you two in here. “Can I talk about what I came here for, please?” 

Childe closes his eyes, humming while considering your proposition. Instead of walking behind the desk in the room, he sits on a bench against the wall, motioning for you to come over. At your blatant hesitation, he decides to pester you, which doesn’t come as a shock. 

“What’s up with that look? There’s plenty of room,” Childe pats the spot next to him for extra emphasis. A dangerous twinkle shines in his eyes with a mischievous smile to match it. “Though, I wouldn’t complain should you come to sit on my lap instead.” 

Your cheeks flush brightly, a weak glare being sent his way which he laughs at. “I would never…” 

“Sure, sure. Come over already, it’s the least you could do, considering you just scorched a pair of my favorite gloves.” Childe’s carefree tone doesn’t match his scolding words, stretching out his arm on the back of where you were supposed to sit. Gingerly stepping over the smoking gloves on the floor, you wonder if it’s somehow a fire hazard, but assume Childe’s Hydro Vision could put it out if need be. You stop just short of sitting down, gnawing on your bottom lip at this new internal dilemma. Glaring daggers at his outstretched arm doesn’t seem to faze him. 

“The offer still stands.” He teases, leading you to huff and take your seat by him. You try to ignore the close physical proximity, but it’s rather difficult, as your thighs are touching. Is this a common theme for Snezhnayans? Why is Childe so needlessly touchy? Maybe you don’t want to know. Childe drums his fingers, staring at you with dangerous intent. 

You’ve wasted enough time here. Hoping to move on to the pressing issue, your lips part without further delay. “So, as I was--”

Childe places a finger to your lips, in an act that leaves you speechless. What is his problem? Furrowing your eyebrows together, you have half a mind to scorch the finger in front of you, but dismiss the thought when remembering his strength. Damn him for getting you riled up with such ease. 

“Uh uh uh,” Childe chastises with a shake of his head. “Not yet. Business can come later. First, you’re going to tell me about that.” 

You don’t need to look down to see he’s pointing at your hidden necklace. “It’s... personal. I have no reason to tell you.” 

“Oh, sweet [First]. I wasn’t asking. You did just burn my gloves, didn’t you? Instead of charging you Mora, which -- no offense -- you don’t have enough of to replace it, I want an explanation. I think that’s a fair deal.” 

So he is going to hold that mishap over you. Messing around with a debt collector and money seems counterintuitive, giving a quick explanation the plausible option. Whatever it takes to get him to drop the sensitive topic. Childe must have a semblance of tact to have made it this far in life after all. 

“Fine, fine. It’s not really that remarkable a reason. I have a younger sister, Chunghua. We used to be inseparable as kids. More than anything, I just wanted her to be happy. You’d do anything to accomplish that, y’know? It was… all my fault, really. She wanted a Vision like mine more than anything -- hair accessories, Mora, pretty outfits -- she never cared for that. 

I had no idea why I was given a Vision and not her. She was the one who prayed to every Archon at night for it, the one who burnt incense and gave offerings, not me. I could see her gradually losing hope every day that she woke up without one, like a piece of her was breaking off. At meals, she’d just… stare, silently, at the Vision around my neck. I don’t blame her for starting to hate me. I didn’t notice until it was too late.”

Taking a deep breath, your eyes fall to your lap. “I only wanted to cheer her up. To see her smile like she used to. When I first got my Vision, Chunghua would ask me to do these little tricks. Forming animals or whatever, stuff kids like. Anyways… I tried doing it again one morning. Needless to say, it didn’t go well, she practically screeched at me. I had no idea that was how she felt. But, yeah. That’s why I hide my Vision. See, not that interesting, right?” 

Childe’s expression feels impossible to read. You’re not sure why you even shared so much, especially with him, but his lack of interruption made you keep going. Maybe you weren’t expecting him to sit perfectly still and listen to every word. Whatever the case, you clear your throat, desperate to clear the gloomy atmosphere. 

“She would’ve reacted the same eventually,” Childe says after a moment of deliberation. You tilt your head, the serious answer was unexpected. “That’s what I think, though only older siblings could understand.”

There’s a brief tenderness in his words that leaves you speechless. If he’s acting, you have to commend his abilities, because right now it almost feels like he’s being genuine. Playing with a strand of your hair, you look past him and clear your throat.

“Yes, well, I suppose you’re right.” 

Childe’s somber appearance twists into a more impish visage. “Why don’t I give Chunghua a talking to? It’s a shame seeing your cute face so sullen.” 

Mortified, you shake your head. “There’s no need for that.” 

“Hmm… a shame. I could really take care of everything if you just let me.” 

“Somehow I doubt that,” you shrug with a frown. “What you could help me with is this ridiculous situation at the shop! Why are there Fatui guards outside the front doors? It’s scaring away customers.” 

“Oh, that’s what this is about?” 

Unbelievable. Childe continues to test your patience at every turn. After your previous conversation outside Liyue, which you’re still hoping was a bad joke, you’d noticed an increased presence of Fatui around the shopping district. That was bad enough for business. Now that they’re stationed right outside your parent’s shop, it’s far worse. Rumors have begun to circulate that you’re somehow involved with the Fatui. This has Childe’s doing written all over it.

“Why else would I be here?” 

He smiles and you immediately regret the rhetorical question. “Because you missed me, of course.” 

“I missed when there weren’t Fatui around the shop. Please, I don’t know what you did, but it’s going to be harder to get money for...” you gulp as if saying it cements the reality of your situation, but power through. “Paying off the loan with this drop in revenue.”

“Tempting as that is, I’m already happy with the results. I got you to come to me and learned more about you. From my position, this is a sizeable gain.” 

Everything from your head to your toes feels hot as if molten lava is stirring inside. He’s not taking you seriously, like the time at the stream and all the times before that. Memories flash in your mind. Your father hunched over letters containing bills, frowning, hair going greyer by the day. Your mother, sneaking out when she thinks you and your sister are asleep to pawn off her old jewelry. Even Chunghua, who offered to take time away from her education to help at the shop. It hits you like a pile of bricks, heart twisting painfully and tears threatening to spill from your eyes. 

“What do I have to do,” Your voice is so low that Childe has to careen his head to hear it. He blinks, incredulous, waiting for further clarification. Each breath you take feels like a losing battle, your composure threatening to shatter. “For you to stop… whatever this is. I’ll do anything. Give anything. Please, just leave my family out of it.” 

Childe crosses his legs and leans in closer to you, arm secured tight around your shoulder.

“Didn’t I tell you already?” 

His breath is warm against you, lips ghosting over the skin of your neck. He presses his lips softly against your pulse. Smiling, he notices how it quickens underneath his touch, all too pleased with your physical reactions. 

“That what I want to take is you.”