#other times. well. i think i would eat a whole bag of antidepressants in one gulp

[zodiacsea]

digging a big hole in the floor and lying down there forever and ever and ever

[oldmanbayou]

Shy Cat Diary - 1 month

I'm sorry I've been trash at my shy cat documentation. He's now been with us for a month! He is still getting used to my spouse but he's chill around me and has fortunately gotten over his annoying Napoleon cat phase.

I did make one horribly wrong move though, and I will confess here so that others may learn from my oversights. About a week ago, I got some of those catnip laced paper bags. He's a catnip addict and I thought he'd have fun with it. Yeah, no. He didn't have fun. I left him for the night and by the next morning he had regressed back into a hidey cat who was afraid of everyone and everything and would hiss and spit at you if you dare peek at him hiding in his paper bag.

This here is exactly why I think advice to provide plenty of hiding spots for a shy cat is shit advice...

A space where they can go to feel safe: Absolutely fine. A space where they can *hide*: No.

So I promptly removed the paper bag.

He continued to be timid for the rest of the weekend. It is common for cats to start pulling their fur out or overgroom in response to recent stress or trauma, or because they're bored. Some people do this too -- in fact I'm one of them and have had this issue my whole life. Think hair pulling, skin picking, nail-biting, etc -- those mildly destructive behaviors we tend to shrug off as just being nervous habits. It's actually a fairly common though not well known type/relative of obsessive compulsive disorder (google "body-focused repetitive behavior" if you're curious). This dude is a fur puller. And he eats his fur. Which then makes him have bad hairballs, which makes him not feel well, which makes him not want to eat anything, which makes him feel even worse, which makes him feel vulnerable, which puts him back into scared cat mode.

The bag incident came at a particularly bad time because he hadn't been feeling well.

I have had several cats in the past who were fur pullers. Usually they get over it on their own once the stress passes, but sometimes it becomes a habit and they need to be brought to the vet for intervention. Unless there's some underlying medical condition to explain away the fur pulling, they will get prescribed antidepressants. At least in my experience, they don't need to take the medication for life -- just long enough to be broken of the habit, and then they're fine!

If not for fear of being pushed back about 30 steps if I dared bring this cat to the vet, I'd have brought him to the vet for his fur pulling weeks ago. Kitty antidepressants would do him a lot of good and probably would have made this whole transition to a new home a thousand times easier.

So anyway, on with the story -- Sick hairball-filled cat. I tried giving him some hairball medicine. There are several different kinds you can get over the counter at a pet store -- the ones that are a gel that come in a tube though are the kind that work. A lot of cats will just eat it without coaxing, but he won't. You can put it on their paw to entice them to lick it off and eat it, which is normally what I would have done, but he was acting so fearful of me there just wasn't any good way to go about it. I tried and failed miserably…So the next solution would be to mix it into their food. But...he wasn't eating...I opened so many different cans of food and he wouldn't touch anything.

Finally, as a last ditch effort, I resorted to something that I don't think I would necessarily recommend to others, but I'll admit here so you all know when things don't go as smoothly for you as it did for me (trust me, I've had my fair share of rocky moments), it's because I cheated. Illegal prescriptions. The one in question happens to be one that I know a lot about and happened to have on hand. Mirtazapine.

My now deceased cat, Moppet, in her late years was on mirtazapine as a maintanence drug as she had a chronic medical issue that caused her to have no appetite. My other cat, Tews, had also been prescribed it a few years ago when he was stressed out because we were moving. He made himself sick and stopped eating. And funny enough, I take mirtazapine as an antidepressant and was prescribed it because I don't respond to SSRIs and "lack of appetite" is a pretty pronounced symptom of depression and anxiety for me (if this describes you, Ask Your Doctor About Mirtazapine). Mirtazapine for humans is a decent enough antidepressant. The cat form of mirtazapine though is a WONDER DRUG. Makes them good and hungry, and calms them right down! (by calm, I mean turns them into an affectionate spaz) And the best part -- it now comes in a transdermal form, so you can just rub some on their ear lobe!

I am almost certain -- more than certain -- had I brought him to the vet, they would've stressed him out with a bunch of stupid bullshit first, insisted on an ultrasound to make sure he doesn't have a blockage or something else going on, and charge $1000 for it only to tell me exactly what I already know and had been trying to tell them -- "oh, guess he's just stressed and has some hairballs from obsessive grooming!" -- and then proceed to tell me about this great wonder drug for cats called mirtazapine. And then I'd bring him home and would need to find a pair of kevlar gloves if there's any chance in me rubbing anything on his ear in the next week.

Well anyway, fortunately I got to skip all that this time. I had some kitty mirtazapine leftover from Tews' incident. It was technically expired, which in the case of mirtazapine, the worst thing that might happen with an expired tube is it just won't do anything. I crossed my fingers and gave it a shot. And luckily, it worked miracles! The boy was back to himself in just a couple of hours, and was more than happy to eat food laced with hairball medicine. And that's all it took -- He recovered very fast and hasn't had any incidents since.

(Liability notice: If you take mirtazapine and think you can try this at home, it's a good sign you should take your cat to the vet. The dosage of kitty mirtazapine is completely different than the human variety of the same drug.)

He is still overgrooming sometimes, but he's definitely getting better and I have a feeling he will stop on his own eventually. I have continued lacing his food with hairball medicine every morning just for prevention, and will continue to do so until he kicks his fur eating habit. There's really only so much I can do about this behavior--He doesn't just do it when he's stressed, but he'll do it if he's bored or sometimes just for no apparent reason. When I catch him overgrooming, I try to distract him by playing with him and that usually does the trick for at least a little while. I have also discovered he enjoys music! Particularly harp music. And bird videos on youtube. I also try to brush him every day to reduce the amount of fur he can potentially eat but he’s one of those cats that insists on walking around, rubbing his face all over everything whenever he’s being groomed with a brush, so it’s tricky! If this overgrooming an ongoing habit of his that can't be fully broken, I will eventually take him to the vet for it and get him a proper prescription. But I just don't think inflicting that kind of trauma on him right now is in his best interest if there's any possibility of avoiding it.

[fbfh]

dating percy headcanons 2: electric boogaloo

~900 words

ask and you shall recieve uwu

Honestly what hits hardest about this boy is the idea of having all of his attention on you

Like he just looks at you and you can feel his passion so hard you take psychic damage

You are genuinely the entire focus of his world

You are his long term hyperfixation

It's almost,,, too powerful

But not quite lmao

He's just so…

……. 

Nice…..

To be around

And you get to be around him whenever you want

He has such a calming aura

It's like

Oh fuck that's what it is

Sidebar real quick

Air has positive ions and rain and other big bodies of water like the ocean or waterfalls have negative ions which help you feel calm and can actually give off a similar effect as antidepressants which is why a lot of  people like storms sm

Since he's yk

The son of the sea god 

He 10000000% has an aura of negative ions and it's almost impossible to feel stressed around him

Or if you do (yr feelings are valid) he helps you feel a lot better

His kisses are so nice

[Screen shot of let's discuss his kisses from part one radial blurred]

He has about a million and one ways to kiss you 

But here's some highlights

He loves wrapping his big ole arms around you 

Has a Nice 👌 dorito shape and these buff arms

Like all of them are buff from years of sword fighting and struggling to stay alive yk

But his specific arms hugging you

One around your waist, one hand on the back of your neck 

He makes you feel so at ease with him

His lips are always soft

Probably tastes like salt water taffy or coke

He loves surprising you with cheek neck kisses

If you're doing anything he'll just run up behind you 

Press a big big smooch just below your jawline 

And run off

You start trying to surprise him but unless you're pretty tall you can't reach lmao

Me

He sometimes just like

Holds you real close

A finger running over your cheek

The other hand probs resting under the hem of your shirt

He's staring, head kinda tilted and you know he's in full Admire mode

He kisses you really gently, only pulling away cause he smiles half way through 

Totally rests his forehead on yours after a kiss 

Speaking of, if you give him forehead or nose kisses

He actually short circuits from love and cuteness

He has a salty aura

Literally and figuratively 

Like if you stand a foot away from him and stick out your tongue you'll taste salt 

You make him smile way more than you'd expect 

He gives you a lot of those classic Fond Looks where he just has a little smirk and is smiling with his eyes and you can feel that you have all his focus and attention 

He doesn't get like super serious or anything but you find yourself having to break the tension more than you'd expected

He has really strong feelings which under the right circumstances,,

Usually during quiet moments,,,

He can get a bit I'd die for you

"I'm going to make sure you're always okay, Skittles, even if I die trying-"

"Ah, yes. I hear death by chocolate is the best way to go."

"???"

"Well, the only way I can think you would possibly die to ensure my happiness is by convincing Zeus to rain chocolate down on me, in which case you'd be right with me because there's no way I'm letting you miss a chocolate tsunami."

He starts to laugh then gets serious again 

"I mean, if it came down to it,"

"Worst case scenario?"

"Yeah-"

"Well worst case scenario, we'd both just eat our way out. We can handle a chocolate tsunami together, hands down."

You have him actually laughing now

You gotta keep him on his toes a little 

It can be really hard sometimes but you love surprising him 

It's hard bc he knows you so well that he can always tell when you're planning something 

What makes it worse is that he never lets on that he knows 

you love making him pre swim meet gift bags 

I'm talking snacks, fuzzy socks, those blue Gatorade chewies, a (matching) friendship bracelet, gum, notes in Greek, little doodles, Polaroids, a piece of paper with a lipstick/lip balm kiss

The whole nine goddamn yards

Always coming up with new ways to surprise him

Once you have him a jar of Hersheys kisses that said "kisses for when I'm not around"

He showed people photos of it cause he thought it was too adorable 

Every single person on the swim team is jelly of you two 

Percy brags about you all the time 

Talks about you so much you're surprised how much his teammates know about you

Before a big meet you got the whole team push pops in their favorite flavors  that said "push yourself! Good luck!" 

They all love you even more

You've learned from experience to bring an extra shirt to swim meets

Bc the first thing that this boy does as soon as he's out of the pool and able to is hug you so so tight

Neither of you care about how wet he is or how damp you get 

A collage of your top 5 cutest post swim hugs makes the yearbook and the school newspaper

Like I'm not saying he's the best boyfriend but yes I am

That's exactly what I'm saying 

[clown-dumbass]

Reunited

Robby and reader are exes who meet again at a summer job.

You check the mirror in your bathroom, frowning at your appearance. You look...unkempt to say the least. The move has been a bit rough on you. You had to move to a new area for your dad’s job. At least it was an upgrade from your last place. The plumbing was shit there, and one time you found a dead rat in your closet. Fucking disgusting.

You clean yourself as best you can, and try to pick out something relatively nice. You’ve got a summer job at some weird ass karate place cleaning up and shit. You’re essentially a glorified janitor without the uniform. It’s not fantastic but at least it will help you pitch in around your household. The name has something to do with snakes but you can’t remember exactly what it was called.

You survey your clothing without much interest. You’re not exactly going to the Met Gala so why dress up? If it isn’t ripped to shit, then it’s good enough. You settle on a plain black tshirt and some worn jeans. Then you head out the door.

It’s relatively late and dark outside when you arrive at the dojo. You’re supposed to come when all the classes are done. You knock on the door. No answer. You try to open it, and surprisingly, it’s not locked. You suppose they haven’t closed up just yet.

You push open the door to see some dude beating the living shit out of a punching bag. Like wow the fucking rage issues this kid must have because he looks like he’s trying to straight up murder an inanimate object. Cute.

“Uh excuse me? I’m here to clean up and shit? The guy on the phone said to come around 7:30.” The guy whips his head around to look at you and you realize the unfortunate truth. You just signed up to work the whole summer at a karate dojo where your ex trains. You plaster a fake looking smile on your face and wave. “Oh hey Robby! Nice to see you.”

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He frowns back at you. “What the fuck are you doing here?” You smile tensely. “Just here to do my job. We didn’t end on the best of terms”-understatement of the century-“but there’s no reason we can’t be civil right?” You can tell he’s pissed. “Listen, can you not be immature about this? I need the money. You know that. It’s just one summer, right?” He glares at you for a second and then goes back to his punching bag. Guess that’s a yes. Hopefully.

You finish your work relatively quickly. By the time you’re done, Robby is still beating that punching bag the fuck up. Shit. Doesn’t seem like karate has done anything for his anger issues. Despite yourself, you find yourself wanting to soothe him. Robby Keene always had been a bit of a weakness of yours. Breaking up with him was one of the hardest things you’d ever had to do. You had realized you were too unstable for a relationship. Your depression had been getting worse, and you could barely motivate yourself to get out of bed, let alone go see him. Your relationship had slowly fizzled out as a result and you both could feel it going. In retrospect, you shouldn’t have broken up with him the way you did. You should have at least called him. However, it took all the energy you could muster just to send that text message. You don’t blame him for hating you, but you can’t quit this job. You need cash to afford your antidepressants. Money is tight as is. It must seem to him that you’re just yet another person who up and abandoned him. You leave without saying goodbye.

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Robby spends his time glaring at you mostly throughout the week. You try to ignore him for the most part but then you come across his sleeping bag. You know it’s not your place to pry, but you do still actually give a shit about him. He was your first real boyfriend after all. So, you work up the nerve to ask him about it. You are met with a charming glare, and the words “like you care.” You figure it’s better left alone, but you still don’t love that he’s sleeping on a freezing cold floor in a thin sleeping bag. You bring a couple blankets from home and toss them over his makeshift bed while he’s not looking. Can’t do any harm.

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The second you enter the dojo the next day, Robby is shoving the blankets in your hands. “I don’t need your handouts,” he says in a quiet but dangerous tone. You roll your eyes. You are well acquainted with his pride issue. The dumbass still doesn’t want help from anyone it seems. “They aren’t handouts, Robby. They’re shitty old blankets I was going to throw away. Just take them. You’d be doing me a favor.” “And why would I want to do you any favors?,” he says. Great more glaring. You roll your eyes again, drop the blankets, and get to work. He ends up taking them in the end.

The longer you work at the dojo, the more you start to notice Robby’s terrible eating habits. He has the tendency to skip dinner most nights. You start buying extra food and “accidentally” leaving it behind. You think he eats it out of spite, knowing it’s yours, but at least he’s eating.

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You and Robby settle into a routine. You ignore each other for the most part. The air between you is still thick with resentment but it’s easier for you to bear now. Eventually though, your peace is interrupted. “Why are you doing this shit for me? I know you’ve been leaving the food on purpose,” he says one day, in an abrupt and accusatory manner. “We aren’t together anymore.” You think that last bit comes out a bit more bitter than he meant it. “Just because we aren’t together doesn’t mean I can’t care about you,” you say without looking up. “But you don’t. You don’t care about me.” You sigh and turn around to lock your eyes with his. “Yes. Yes, I do. I know I’ve hurt you in the past but trust me, I do care.” He just glares and then returns to training.

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Kreese eventually invites you to sit in on a class. Says he sees “cobra potential” in you. What a fucking weirdo. Well, he’s been good to you thus far so you figure you might as well. At the end of the class, some guy named Kyler starts chatting you up. He winks at you and gives you a final “Later babe” before going to rejoin the others. Robby says something to him quietly, and he looks back at you and nods at him. He doesn’t talk to you again.

The night of the second class you attend, you confront Robby. “What did you say to Kyler? You ruining my romantic prospects now? Real mature.” He doesn’t look up, fierce green eyes focused on the punching bag in front of him. You turn to walk away and he speaks. “He’s an asshole, you know. He bragged about using all his last girlfriends for sex.” You turn back around and cross your arms. “I can look out for myself, Robby.” You pause. “But I do appreciate it.” He ignores you. Figures.

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Then there’s the first day Robby meets you with a black eye and a bloody, busted lip. You ask him about it but he refuses to answer you. Finally you beg him to let you help clean him up and he complies. You gently clean and bandage his wounds. You try to ignore the flush that rises in your cheeks at the close proximity. You work mostly in silence, until you are struck by the compulsion to explain to him why you left. To justify yourself. “I didn’t want to hurt you, you know. My mental health was on the decline, and I wasn’t ready for a relationship. I know how abandoned you must have felt. I know how hard it is for you to let people in and I- I’m sorry, Robby.” He looks at you with an unreadable expression. “If it means anything to you, I sorted my life out. Got on antidepressants. Got help.” He remains silent. You sigh. You don’t know what you were expecting. You leave quietly.

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Summer is coming to a close, and your time a Cobra Kai is coming to an end. Before you know it, it’s your last night. Robby side eyes you for most of your time there, as if waiting to say something but not sure how to say it. Eventually, he comes up to you at the end of the night. It’s clear he has something important to say. “I miss you,” he says finally. “I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss the way you used to look at me like there was no one else in the room. I thought I would never get to have any of that again. But you still care about me, and I still care about you and I was wondering...would you ever want to try again, for old times sake at least?”

3 notes

[btswishes]

What we were and what we are

One Shot/ Random

A/N: Take it as an emotional dump. I will put a keep readying line since I don’t think anyone would want to read this. XD Have fun anyways if you wish to stay friend. Who knows maybe it could be a Yoongi x Reader , friends to lovers story, idk. 

Word count:   2,535

Playlist recommended for this : Jin-Epiphany   Big Bang- Loser  Big Bang- Blue   at the end you can try BTS- We Are Bulletproof The Eternal

Warnings:  dark, anxiety, talk of trauma , be yourself please

                   ----------------------------------------------------------------------

  The sky was covered with soft cotton candy like clouds, tinted in the colors of the ending day. Oranges, reds, blues, yellows, you name it it was there. The wind was warm and but a whispering tender sensation over your exposed skin. The grass pillowing your body under the roughly placed cover, as your head moved up and down by Yoongi’s breath. Laying onto him felt like a antidepressant pill to you.Time had stopped. He was leaning onto his left arm as you both were looking up at the sky. His free hand from time to time brushing over your hair. 

“Your mom is calling.” he said taking a glance at your lit up phone screen

“Leave it.” you didn’t even use all the breath in your lungs with this sentence. 

“Shouldn’t you pick up tho? I mean she is your mom.” Yoongi’s eyes now focused onto you 

“Nah man, she is probably mad at me for something. My mom or not, good or shitty relationship, no matter how much parents say ‘i understand you’ or ‘i was your age once too’ .It never works, telling them anything ends up being a pain in the ass later. Asking for help when you fuck up is the same.” you tried following a lonely cloud with the corner of your eye

“I guess them not accepting that something is wrong with their kids is a defense mechanism.” 

“That fucks us up tho. Just because they want to lie to themselves to feel better, leaves their kids untreated and undiagnosed ,messing them up. Years of being bullied and not knowing why, can’t study even if they try, can’t be themselves. Such an easy solution, yet such a hard choice to make to take the first step.” you sighed as you spoke out, a bit of disappointment mixed in with your breath. 

“Ha ha ha.” Yoongi laughed under his nose before laying back down 

“The fuck did I say?” you cut him off, thinking the giggle was a bit displaced in this talk

“And when you take the first step? What then? The so called professionals lie to us too, give us chemistry and tell us all will be ok as they turn us into addicts to fake serotonin. Psychologists? The word comes from Greek meaning the study of the soul, yet those assholes look at us as bags of meat that you can stuff with pills. Yet we would do anything to get that drop of calmness, that feeling of being a bit happy for being alive right now. And when the effect passes? You want more and more, pill after pill, pharmacy after pharmacy. What difference is there between us people with anxiety and disorders and drug addicts? The medical degree probably.” 

  You smirked after his last words “ Not all doctors are bad, but you can feel how genuine they are, the rest are health merchants. I don’t think there was a difference in the first place. Drugs, alcohol, smoking fuck it, even sex, man. It’s all to fill that void with dopamine, serotonin and all the bio crap.” 

“Isn’t that chemistry tho?”

“We learned it in biology class so it’s bio to me. Do I look like a professor to you?” you rolled over and flicked his nose earning a ‘yah!’ “Hey.” 

“Wasup?” Yoongi pulled his hand from under his head and spread his arms wide like a star in the vast sky. 

“You know that thing where people ask you, if you saw your younger self in front of you right now and they were having the same feelings as you. What would you do?”

“I don’t know honestly, probably give the little guy a hug and some money ,or buy him something to eat. Someone out there for sure has it shittier than me, but I guess one of my mistakes was to undervalue my own emotions and mental state. Fuck, i got myself in such a hole. When people say ‘after you hit the bottom there is no where more to go but up’ , honestly that is straight up crap and bullshit. Some of us keep clawing and digging fearing that there is more to come. “ 

“Ah.” a memory popped up in your head on it’s own “That shit hole. Yeah, either you lose yourself laying there with bloody fingernails and hands, or you start crawling back up like a bug. You know, the blood is gonna stain the walls so next time you fall you will remember and catch yourself...if you make it that far.” lifting your hand, you covered a bit of the sky with it, noticing the colors around it “What about the times we reach out but no one grabs on?”

“Fuck! Y/N! We were supposed to have a nice walk in the park not a whole ass depressing talk session!” Yoongi hissed out, unlike his words his voice wasn’t angry

“Oh come on, you know that somehow we always end up talking about this shit.We are both broken pieces, but I think that isn’t bad at all.” you felt his breath stop under you for a split second “I feel like that is why we fit so well together.”

“Oh for real?” he asked a bit surprised by your words “I always thought it was because we were both hella toxic.” you swung your hand and hit him in the stomach “OOF!” he folded in half, sending you sitting up “I forgot how aggressive you were too.” Yoongi’s voice was coming from between his teeth.

“I am serious! I feel like we went through our hard times and learned to manage, that is why we can talk about all these things like this.” 

“Makes sense, we were each other’s shoulder. You start falling, I pull on you and the other way around.”

 You noticed the contagious smirk on his face that mirrored onto you almost instantly “We fall together, we crawl back up together. Damn we sound inspirational.”

“I told you! We should make one of those vlog channels where people wake up at 5 am looking like damn models, meditate and finish all their work before 11am.” throwing your body back you fell onto the cover, but Yoongi didn’t join you. He staid sitting, letting you focus on his back as he continued “You know we are losers, right?” 

“The biggest losers out there.” 

  He looked towards the sky letting the wind play with his hair, when suddenly you both burst out laughing. Your voices were so loud the birds flew away. “Yeah, we are.”

“Honestly tho Yoongs. Why did we care so much what people thought of us? I mean sometimes I still do but-”

“Same, same.”

“Don’t cut me off stupid!” you kicked him a bit “As I was saying!” you emphasized on ‘saying’ ,when he pinched your leg in retaliation a couple of times “Body types, dudes, girls, genderfluid or no gender at all. Being cute or stylish, pretty or ugly, was a mad waste of time. The nerd is gonna probably become rich, the ugly people will end up becoming better lookin that those basic Karens. I swear, even with all that bulling and people wanting be to be the top. With or without them the Earth keeps spinning .”

 “Did you just discriminate flat earth people!?” he gasped cartoonish “Y/N, i didn’t know you were this type of person.”

“Yah! You really out here trying to cancel your best friend, Min Yoongi!” 

“You don’t need me to do that, you already do it yourself with the stuff you say.”

“Says you, loser.” your words made him lean onto his elbow next to you, eyes focused on your face as the colors of the sky began fading over your bodies and skin 

“I like that word, loser.” he said “It sounds rude, but at the same time no one calls you that if you aren’t different. Different means unique, special. Who tf would want to be the same as others?”

“That was us too stupid, back then.” Yoongi pocked your cheek a couple of times gently 

“Yeah, but it’s not back then anymore Y/N. It’s now. We grew up. With our jaw and fist clenched we fought and made it here. They shot at us, they threw rocks and called us cowards, weirdos. But we made it through the darkness. After all that we are and will forever be bulletproof.” the sudden rustle of the grass under you two signaled him getting up and spinning, hands to the side. His head leaned back and he looked so happy. Yoongi’s eyes were closed, he could fall and not even notice, but he wasn’t afraid no more. Whatever happens will happen. 

“You make us sound hella dope man. I love it.”

“Anxiety, social issues, any kind of mental problems and disorders. They level us up, as long as we try. At the end of the day you lose something to win something.”

“The end of the chapter is the beginning of the next.” you began to notice he was starting to lose balance from all that spinning around “Hey stupid, you will fall and hurt yourself like th-” you couldn’t even finish the sentence when his legs tangled up and he fell onto you “You ok?!That was such a stupid move! Open your eyes next time!”

“Why?” he became serious, his eyes looking into yours. Yoongi crooked his head to the side,as his fingers caressed your cheek “If I was looking I would have been too afraid to fall. At the end of it all i ended up failing and found a little angel. See? Win win to me. You can’t always see where you are going, but you gotta believe that good things are on the other side.”

“You are bleeding, that is what is on this side.”

“I am WHAT!” his forehead was a bit scratched “Damn it! My handsome face!”

“Oh come on! Wait till I glow up like that! I will get the best looking SO out there.” the child in you was pouting at Yoongi

“You know damn well we are too messed up for a relationship with others. We try and try, get used and then we either lose interest, or fall completely out of love for months. By the way...” his fingers found your cheek again, but this time it wasn’t a gentle poke but a sharp pinch. Your hands flew in the direction of his arm to try and make him let go of you. “Who told you you don’t look good?”

“Ow ow Yoongi! Let me go!!!”

“Not until you tell me who said all that crap to you!?” prying yourself from his grip you continued rubbing the now red and warm spot

“People i liked or others in general. You know how shit goes.” 

“You for real need to get your eyes checked! People stare at you when you walk by cus you look TOO good.” his words were like a low growl of a jealous pet

“Nah man, they are either judging me or they want to fight me. There is no middle ground here.” 

“You really!” with all the power in his hand he flicked your forehead 

“Stop inflicting me wounds!”

“Then stop talking shit about yourself! I swear your bodydismorphia needs to join Jimin when he has talk sessions about his day with Hoseok.Plus, people do stare at you when you walk in town in the attracted way. On our way here at least 5 people turned back and continued looking.”

“Ew creepy!” you said “Why do you count them!”

“You little!!!Come here!” your neck found itself in a chokehold in a matter of seconds 

“HYUNG!”Jungkook’s voice echoed through the park reaching your direction “Y/N AND YOONGI ARE BEING THE DEPRESSED AND FLIRTY AGAIN!”

 “This kid I swear I will kill him some time soon!” you hissed at Jungkook

“You two really can’t drop this habit.” the slow and calm footsteps pulled your attention and soon subsided your anger 

“Joon, you know how we are.” you added, leaning back onto you elbows 

“I know, we are all like that.” Joon looked at you two sitting on the ground

“Y/N is right, broken pieces do find each other.” Yoongi added, but Joon sighed and rubbed the back of his head. He squatted down eye level 

“Broken pieces find each other because they fit together and make a beautiful new bottle that they can fill up with happy memories. Our sad and hard pasts make us titanium that can’t be broken. Even if one of us cracks, we are all going to help him become stronger.” he reached his hand out, standing up “ You are not alone Y/N, we are going to be forever titanium. You have us and we have you now. We are not lonely or misérables with you.”

“WE ARE BULLETPROOF GUYS!” Jungkook yelled out again

“Yeah...we are.” with a smile shining brighter than ever ,you grabbed Joon’s hand.He pulled you up as you were holding onto Yoongi. When the chain starts no one can cut the bond. We pull each other up...is what you realized. 

“Oh and.”

“Yes Joons?” 

“Can you two date already or at least go out on a date. It hurts looking at yall like this.”

“What!?” the blanket in your hand turned into weapon as you began hitting him with it in a moment of panic. His words hit a nerve.Yoongi wasn’t the one to rush or to run. With his hands in his pockets he followed you down the hill. His footsteps stopped for a moment to look at the now dark sky. 

 We may not be able to see the stars during the day, but at night they are too many to even count. Nothing is truly hidden forever, even who you are meant to be. It’s ok not to know now or later. When we are young we dont really know. We try to fit in a mold that was created, but we can’t, we just can’t no matter how much we try.

 We end up being labeled by the things we are different. Some come from a darker past, others don’t. Yet everyone is important, the way they feel, their emotions and inner state. If I could, I would grab your hand and show you a bit of the future. Think of this, your future self, the one that did it all finally and continues to dream big, is looking at you through memories. They grab your hand and push you forward towards the good. The tunnel may be dark, cold, lonesome and scary but it always leads to something. Just don’t give up.

  Regret, unsuccessful love, residual feelings for someone who used you. They are all a stepping stone, don’t look at them. Now you know what not to do, EXP( experience points)  come in many forms honey. Be who you want to be, life is yours. Be the main character in your story, not anyone else’s. Even if you fall sometimes, show everyone how amazing you are by standing up. Baby steps turn into miles, whispers become yelling, crawling becomes flying. Breaking the mold becomes you. 

[juminsmysticmc]

RFA plus Sarean and V found out MC is secretly on anxiety and/or depression meds. She hid it from them because she was scared of their reactions.

RFA + Minor Duo with a MC who secretly takes anxiety/ depression medications because she was scared of their reaction

TRIGGER WARNINGS! MENTION OF DEPRESSION, FEARS 

Hello! Thank you for your request! Please everyone, be aware that this HC is triggering! My headcanons show only a scenario of this topic so please try to understand that this Headcanon won’t contain every detail. Thank you for reading the Headcanon. 

Jumin 

Once again it was a lonely Wednesday without your husband Jumin Han.

You sat on the black couch as you could felt that your breath went quicker. 

The muscles around your heart thighed up, making it feel as if there was no space in the inside of your chest. 

You looked at the blue-white box in your purse and opened it. 

You quickly put the white pill with trembling hands on your tongue, making it melt, tasting the mealy flavor. 

You still had side effects such as diarrhea sometimes even through you were taking the antidepressive for a long time now. 

,,So lucky that I can take them always at the same time…“ you mumbled and looked around you. 

Loneliness was around you. 

The darkness and coldness of the room made you shiver. 

You didn’t want this, you really didn’t. 

,,Jumin….“ you began to sob again out of the blue, feeling only shame for your weak state. 

You needed to hide this feeling, you wanted to support him after all, not being a burden for the man you loved the most. 

In a completely different place a certain man named Jumin Han was worried for you, his love. 

He realized that he left you alone since a long time now and he was really sorry for that. 

Especially today he thought that he had to return back home and so he left everything undone to go to you. 

You on the other side didn’t plan to see your husband until a few hours and decided to leave the medication on the table. 

Instead you decided to try to sleep to catch up what you couldn’t do in your last days. You hated this side effect, so called insomnia. 

Unfortunately this sleep wasn’t relaxing at all. 

Instead someone began to shake you as soon as you dozed off. 

,,Mc! What’s that!“ a man‘s voice asked you. 

When he came home everything seemed oddly dark and he found your body on the couch with some strange medications on the table. 

When he googled the medication he found out that you took antidepressants. 

Shattered. That’s what happened to the heart you came to warm up. 

Jumin hugged you tightly as he saw that you were about to cry. 

,,I‘m sorry! I was so scared to tell you….scared that you will leave me, hate me….I missed you and felt lonely…I‘m such a coward I‘m sorry.“ you said with a trembling voice. 

Your husband felt bad. 

It was partly his fault, wasn’t it? 

,,It’s okay. Okay….It’s no problem because we will get over it together….together, Mc….yes?“ 

Zen 

Your fingers began to tremble as you scrolled through the new Iphone you just got. 

It seemed as if the bad comments below your pictures would never come to an end. 

As if you fell into an endless pool of hate, jealousy and loneliness. 

You decided to click on the three little circles on the right to delete your Instagram post just to be boomed with hate messages, making you throw your phone in the last corner of the dark room. 

Zen was out once again and you seemed unable to hold your tears. 

When will it get better? 

When will you laugh again? 

When will you feel a warm smile on your lips, warming up the heart of the one you love? 

Thinking about Zen made you shiver and sob even harder. 

You finally decided to take the white pill which caused you often a dry mouth. 

But you could bear the side effects like dizziness and nausea as long as you finally got better. 

But unfortunately it seemed like it just couldn’t offer you the things you wanted to have. 

You groaned as you threw the pills to your phone, and laid your head on your palm.

 ,,Jagiya?“ none other than Zen called you and entered the room. 

You were too weak to look up, to make other noises than the sniffing ones. 

Zen immediately approached you and checked you. 

But the side effects of the pill made you dizzy once again and so you crushed against his body. 

Zen immediately held you in his arms and supported you. 

While he brought you to the couch he noticed the pills. 

,,Mc…..’’ he mumbled and showed them to you. 

,,What does that mean, princess?’’ he asked you calmly and waited for your explanation. 

,,Uhhhuhhhh, I am so…..sorry….! Don’t leave me…..please….’’ you begged. 

Zen stayed silent for a while and just hugged you. 

His palms formed circles on your back while you sobbed into his shirt, explaining why you hid it from him, that you were taking this medication. 

,,I….am so sorry….really…..the thing with Unknown and the Media scared me….out of the blue I wasn’t Hyun’s girlfriend anymore but Zen’s. Not only this, I was also the enemy of a lot of people….the haters….the situation scared me….I thought if I would tell you, you would leave me, hate me because I was a burden to your job….it scared me because I would never want you to stop being a star and so….-‚‘’ 

,,Mc….’’ he whispered. 

Just now you noticed that he was sobbing with you. 

,,You are so much more important….I will try to solve the whole situation, but if this won’t help, I will give up the agency for you….you are so much more important to me….really….’’ he told you and kept hugging you until you fell asleep. 

,,Really….you scared me…I thought that you found out….’’ Zen mumbled as he took a bottle from his bag and put the same pill on his tongue you used before. 

,,This is a sign, my parents always told me, a sign, we shouldn’t ignore it, should we?’’ he mumbled and began to write his resignation letter. 

Yoosung

You observed the picture of the young blond haired woman and your husband. 

Once again your fears hit you, your breathing began to get heavier, your hands began to tremble and got all sweaty as you thoughts went crazy again. 

In front of the picture you broke down, your knees supporting you on the cold floor as your nose almost touched the floor. 

You tried to breath in and out but you failed. 

What if Yoosung would leave you? Hate you for not being like Rika?

Or trying to find once again similarities between you and the deceased perfect girl to just find a reason to still stay by your side? 

You couldn’t handle the thoughts and opened the drawer with the last strength you had in your arms to take out the pills you hated the most. 

You took two, one of them was deeply red and the other one white. 

Both of them tasted awful but still, you needed them. 

Even through they made you lose your hair a lot and made you gain weight, your thigh feeling around your chest would get better immediately. 

But you still weren’t used to the side effects by the medicine. 

,,Try to hold it in…try….’’ you mumbled to yourself. 

You laid back on the cold floor as  tears streamed on the floor. 

But then you heard the door‘s click and some steps. 

,,Mc why are you laying on the floor?“ he mumbled with a kind, softly voice. 

,,Huh? Mc! Are you hurt? W-why are you crying?“ Yoosung mumbled softly and sat on the floor with you. 

You were scared, the thoughts that he could see your medication scared you and so the urge to hid it got bigger and bigger. 

You groped on the floor until you got them, while Yoosung looked at you.

But as clumsy as you were you let them fall once again, making your husband looking at your hand. 

,,What’s that…?“ he asked you still softly and took the medication to read it’s name. 

His smile quickly faded as he observed you, who were still on the floor. 

Your tears were still flowing and immediately you tried to get up.

,,What’s that?“ he asked you but immediately went on. 

,,Why do you need to take it? Why did you hid it?“ he mumbled and immediately cried with you. 

,,Yoosung….“ you kept sobbing and began to hyperventilate. 

,,MC!“ he yelled and abruptly got up to take a paper bag. 

,,Please….please calm down please I‘m here, I‘m here I love you….!“ he told you. 

Your breathing got better you however collapsed into his arms, sweat was on your front as you grabbed your shirt. 

,,Mc…why did you hid it?“ he asked you. 

,,I….I was so scared, Yoosung!“ you began to whisper. 

,,I was scared that you would leave me because….because I wasn’t as perfectly as Rika was….I didn’t want you to be disappointed….“ you sobbed. 

Yoosung hated himself, he thought that it was his fault that you were like this, scared and afraid. 

Only his fault… 

Yoosung‘s heart ached as he hugged you. 

He tried to mumble sweet things to you but right now you seemed deaf at his words. 

,,The two of you are completely different people…I love you as a woman, I want to protect you and cherish you…I want to own your love…so please be totally different from Rika….be yourself and however you will be, I will love you.“ 

Jaehee

,,Mc…“ Jaehee mumbled as she stroked your back while you vomited into the toilet. 

Please please please please please please don’t make her notice, worry, don’t….

You thought as the side effects of the medication hit you once more. 

,,We should go to the medical, Mc….since days you have been feeling sick…you’re always dizzy and don’t eat at all….besides….we don’t have much sex anymore…“ she mumbled and blushed. 

You wanted to say something as the nausea hit you once more, making you gag again. 

,,I will bring you something to drink…“ Jaehee mumbled and left you alone for a moment. 

She entered the kitchen to take a glass when she noticed that the water had run out. 

,,Well then, water from the bath will do it too…“ she mumbled and went to the bathroom to fill the glass. 

Unfortunately she noticed that your drawer was open and while closing it, she noticed two boxes. 

She oddly looked at them, realizing that this were depression meds. 

She felt sick and her hands began to tremble, why would you take them? And since when? How come you never shared your pain with her? 

She decided to approach you with the pills while you washed out your mouth in the sink. 

Jaehee entered the little toilet and observed you. 

,,Mc, could it be that your symptoms are side effects of the medication you’re taking?“ she asked you. 

Your eyes grew as you noticed her holding the pills. 

,,Jaehee….“ you began to sob immediately. 

,,I know…I know Mc but why didn’t you tell me?“ she asked you, perhaps her voice was a bit too annoyed. 

,,I‘m sorry…I really am….I thought that you wouldn’t like me…we don’t know each other so long time and didn’t want to scare you with this…“ you told her and looked down. 

Jaehee felt bad, out of the blue she began to cry with you, hugging you and comforting you. 

The two of you stayed together like that for a long time, you still were scared, what if she would leave you now that she knew your problems? 

While Jaehee was asleep you went out of your shared room and searched the pills, took the portion for the day and sank to the ground, crying. 

Saeyoung 

,,Yes, yes. Thank you.“ Saeyoung said over the phone as he talked to the third doctor of yours. 

He knew that something was awfully wrong and the doctor over the phone just confirmed his thoughts. 

You were sick for such a long time, feeling a dry mouth, not being hungry but still gaining weight or just having headaches. 

And you never got headaches….

It was totally odd and Saeyoung began to worry because he had an idea what it could be. 

After all Saeran had the same when he came home from Rika‘s mean doings-and he took antidepressants.  

He never thought that you, his lovely fiancé would be depressive. 

Would be so sick to take medication. 

But now he understood. 

Saeyoung sat down for a moment to try to collect his ideas. 

Were you already in therapy? 

Was there something else he didn’t know about? 

Saeyoung decided to first check which medication you were taking before coming to talk to you. 

He searched all over the place for the pills. 

But he couldn’t find any evidence. 

,,But the doctor said that yesterday she took them from the pharmacy again….“ he mumbled, now almost giving up. 

But then, he understood - they were still in your purse! 

He was an agent in the past, he knew how to hack computers and how to deceive people but Saeyoung Choi didn’t know how to take his fiancé‘s purse! 

When he finally found an opening his plan failed totally. 

,,Babe? What are you doing with my purse?“ you asked him. 

He could already hear that your voice was trembling. 

Saeyoung quickly tried to hide what he was doing but you quickly saw that your medication was in his hands. 

,,Wh-why do you have my medication in your hands?!“ you asked him. 

Saeyoung looked at you. 

,,The correct question is: Why didn’t you tell me?“ 

You looked away, you were simply trying to avoid his gaze but even through you couldn’t see his eyes, his gaze was burning on you. 

,,I….was scared.“ you finally confessed. 

,,Of what, Mc?“ he asked you softly when he noticed that your hands were trembling.

,,When we first met you…you were so angry at me….and then…You already had Saeran to look after….the agency was bugging you and V‘s death….how could I possibly annoy you with my problems? What if you would hate me, for being like that? I wanted your love and-“ 

,,Mc! You should have told me! Because you will never be annoying to me! I love you…you helped me so much and I didn’t notice that you were sad….Please tell me for the future. I want you to be happy with me….“ 

Saeyoung begged and hugged you. 

The two of you cried together for a long time. 

Saeyoung then asked you to do an appointment so that he could be with you and the doctor. 

He wanted to give his best at supporting you. 

Saeran 

He often noticed that his medication was missing, since he didn’t need it since a few months. 

However he never imagined that you, the one who saved him from despair would need them. 

When he found out he was devastated. 

He was angry. 

Angry at himself for not noticing that you were unhappy, that you weren’t well. 

Saeran felt as if his happiness was one sided. 

You seemed always cheerfully but you weren’t. 

But Saeran couldn’t see any side effects on you. 

,,Could it be that she takes them since such a long time that there aren’t any side effects anymore…….?’’ he asked himself. 

He was so puzzled, the two of you decided to go to the mountains for a few months, here the two of you didn’t have a doctor or a clinic. 

,,Saeran…’’ you mumbled when you came out of the room. 

Just now he noticed that you looked really thin and were really pale. 

,,Mc, did you take my medications?’’ he asked you bluntly.

Your surprised eyes made him sure that he was right with his accusations. 

,,Why….how….?’’ you asked him. 

,,Well, I saw that they were becoming less and lesser.’’ Saeran said. 

He approached you and stroked your cheek. 

You blushed immediately. 

Your eyes turned red and teared up. 

He put your hair behind your ear and took your hand, kissing every finger. 

You sobbed by now. 

,,What are you doing, Saeran?’’ you asked him, trying to get away. 

,,I’m kissing every part of your body, stroking your and showing you how much I love you. I want you to trust me, Mc….why didn’t you tell me?  I thought that after what happened to me the two of us would have a different bond…..’’ he told you. 

You gave him a nod ,,Yes yes I know….!’’ you sobbed harder. 

,,But you were troubled with your own problems, we still didn’t find Saeyoung….! Our plan was a fail and I didn’t want to worry you….I’m so sorry….I thought you would hate me because of this….’’ 

Saeran looked at you, his eyes showed pure love. 

His love for you grew only more, you needed him. 

He felt bad but at the same time he felt needed. 

He wanted to help you, to make you feel that he was right by your side. 

,,We will ask Jumin to help us out….okay?’’ he asked you and thought that you would agree. 

You however shocked your head. 

,,Let’s go through this together without Jumin, please….’’ 

,,Your wish is my order….I love you….’’ 

Jihyun 

You began to sob as you looked at the medication. 

Your table was filled with little boxes. 

You hated them but you also needed them. 

The biggest problem was that you couldn’t tell Jihyun. 

What if he would leave you? 

What if the same situation would occur? 

Would you end up like Rika? 

All these thoughts were killing you, making you sob harder. 

With trembling hands you approached the table and tried to take one of the pill. 

Unfortunately it slipped from your hand and crashed on the floor, spreading white powder all over the place. 

Your sobs seemed to attract Jihyun since just s few moments later he entered the room. 

When he saw the mess on the floor his heart dropped. 

Before saying anything he however first hugged you, pressing your face into his chest. 

,,Pssst….“ he summed making you sob harder. 

,,I‘m sorry!“ you whined as he comforted you. 

,,I‘m sorry….I didn’t want this….“ you cried and soaked his shirt. 

,,I know….“ he repeated and held you into his arms for a long time. 

Afterwards you told him why you never told him about your medication and when it first started. 

,,I know, I may not be able to make you feel better yet but please know that there’s a difference between you and Rika. 

The same goes with the feelings I have for you and for Rika. 

So please don’t worry and be assured, I won’t let you end up like her, I will protect you, and this time I won’t fail, okay?“ 

MASTERLIST 1MASTERLIST 2

06.05.’19// 00:00 MEST

Tagged:

@foreversunshine-love @giulia2372 @milkyxstrawberry

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @sailormoonrocks666 @r-f-a-journalists 

[eldritchsurveys]

768.

Why did you last feel like crying? >> When I checked my bank account because I was trying to decide whether to get HBO Max or not, and I discovered that my stimulus check is coming on Wednesday. I’m just really relieved, lmao. Had just about resorted to convincing myself that I wasn’t going to get one at all. But now I can get some stuff I need but can’t normally afford!

How long ago and why did you last feel infuriated? >> I don’t remember. It probably had to do with people making noise.

Do emotions control you or do you control your emotions? >> Er. Well, here’s the thing -- on a good day, when I’m not having Symptoms Of Disorders, my emotions can be pretty manageable, or at least my management of them can feel pretty competent and compassionate. On the other days, my emotions can be a fucking game of Minesweeper where all the squares have mines in them. Except one. One square has 100 mines in it. The probability of stepping on that square is like 80%. So.

Do you keep your friends secrets/private information to yourself? >> Well, yes, if that sort of thing was shared with me.

What negative quality do your friends bring up the most? >> I... don’t think I’d like to be friends with people who have a habit of bringing up “negative” things about me.

What quality do you think you have that others don't think you do? >> I don’t know, I haven’t taken a poll or anything.

Do you often "jump" to conclusions? >> I mean, maybe. I don’t know how often I do it but it’s probably the average amount.

Do you find being alone with strangers scary, interesting or indifferent? >> That definitely depends on the context of the situation.

Do you think you know a lot about the world? >> No, because I don’t.

What about the world do you wish you never found out? >> ---

Do you know first aid? >> Not really, mostly because I’ve rarely had an opportunity to practice it.

Does the sight of blood make you feel sick? >> Not as a rule.

Does your first name have an L in it? >> No.

Middle name have a C in it? >> No.

Last name have a R in it? >> No.

Do your initials spell a legitimate word? If so, what? >> No, they don’t. But Sparrow’s spells “SAD” and that’s pretty funny.

The word above, does it have any connection to you at all? >> I mean, she is on antidepressants.

Do you prefer classic rock or nope alternative? >> Nope alternative???? I don’t know if that’s a typo or what but that’s hilarious to me for some reason. Anyway, I listen to both classic rock and alternative.

Do you like Kings of Leon? >> Sure. They’re, like... motel-grunge/motel-rock adjacent. (I can’t be the only person who’s made up that term, for certain kinds of bands. Like Queens of the Stone Age and shit. Sometimes Kings of Leon gives the same vibe, but... cleaner, I guess.)

How about The Script? >> Never heard of them.

Does crying make you feel better? >> Sometimes, but first I have to go through the hell of letting myself cry in the first place.

Do you know a girl called Becca? >> No.

How about a guy called Gregory? >> No. I almost said yes and then I realised I was thinking of Greg Hirsch from Succession. smh

Does someones background effect whether you'll be friends with them or not? >> Their... background? What kind of background are we talking about here?

How about their religious background? >> I mean, I don’t think I could be friends with a fundamentalist evangelical Christian. But most non-fundie versions of religions are okay with me.

If someone admitted cheating in a past relationship of theirs, would you trust them? >> ---

Do you drink tea and/or coffee every day? >> Nope. It’s almost warm weather time, so I won’t be drinking much tea at all until fall, unless it’s iced.

Did you ever want to be a cook as a kid? >> No.

How about a fashion designer? >> Yeah, I used to draw outfits and shit. I still think fashion is a fascinating industry but I want no part of it myself.

Do you wish that magic was real? >> I mean, no, not really. Also, like. I have Inworld. So.

What food would you love to wipe off the face of the earth? >> ---

Can you use a bottle opener? >> Sure.

Do you own a cheese grater? >> Yeah.

What time will it be in 38 minutes time? >> 11.06p EST.

What day/date will it be in 11 days time? >> The 20th of May.

Have you ever owned a pet fish? >> Nope.

Do you prefer fire or ice? >> I have no general preference. They’re both valuable.

Do you rap along with rap songs? >> If I know the lyrics, yeah...

When happy, do you become more talkative? >> Not necessarily. Sometimes I’m happiest in silence.

Bowling or sailing? Why? >> ---

What colour is your kettle? >> Black.

How about your microwave? >> White.

Do you prefer sitting in the front or back of a car? >> It doesn’t matter.

How about in a train? On the bus? >> I have a specific seat I like on the bus. Train, doesn’t matter. (On the subway, I liked sitting in the smallest seats so there’d be less chance of someone sitting next to me. Some of the newer trains have that one-seater that flips up, by the door? Love that seat.

Do you care about politics? >> Fuck no.

Obama or Bush? >> Well, that’s this survey dated.

Blair or Brown? >> ---

When did you last cook something from scratch? >> I don’t remember.

What things make you jealous? >> ---

Are you offended easily by non politically correct language? >> I’m not easily offended, period. Most things I recognise aren’t meant to be taken personally by me, specifically. But obviously I’m leery of the usage of incendiary language -- I’m not going to hang out with someone who throws around racial slurs or mocks people for having feelings about words meant to hurt them, like, duh.

Do you think the censors/fcc go a bit too far or are just right? >> I have no opinion about this, especially not a generalised one.

Do you feel hungry, thirsty, sleepy or none of the above? >> I’m getting tired because it’s around my bedtime.

What's your I.Q? >> ---

What's your Mum's Mum called? How about your Dad's Dad? >> ---

Do you prefer crepes, pancakes or waffles? >> Waffles.

Do you have ice-cream in your fridge right now? >> I think Sparrow still has some in there. Oh, and I still have a few mochi ice cream balls.

How about chicken nuggets? >> No, just fried chicken.

Do you eat fish often? >> Not as often as I’d like.

Have you ever taken a martial art? Which one{s}? >> No.

Do you know anyone who is scared of you? >> I don’t know if anyone’s afraid of me. If someone is, I bet they’re not going to go around telling me about it.

What person who has died would you bring back and why? >> ---

Do you like watermelon? >> Eh. I don’t get the hype.

Can you remember the month of your first kiss? >> ---

Do you make friends easily? >> No.

What makes you different from everyone else? >> Nothing, dude. I mean, I obviously have differences from people I know, or people I might encounter, but not from literally every human on earth.

I give you a piece of paper. What do you draw/write on it? >> ...

What pictures or photos are up in your lounge? >> My what.

Do you like purple and white patterned things? >> Not especially.

Do you know anyone called Pipa? >> No.

I say purple, you think... >> Sparrow, because I think she’d paint the whole world purple if given half a chance.

What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? >> Just, you know. My existence.

Do you like being complimented or does it make you uncomfortable? >> It can make me uncomfortable because of brain shit, but I also appreciate it and will try to express appreciation instead of discomfort.

Does the description of your starsign correspond with your personality? >> No, because the language of astrology as used to describe a person is more complex than just wherever the Sun was when you were born.

Do you have a photo album? >> No.

What artists paintings do you find the most beautiful? >> *shrug*

What about the most disturbing? >> *shrug*

Have you ever gone to a camp or summer school? >> No. I did summer theater once and I’ve gone to day camps.

What was your favourite cartoon as a child? >> Johnny Bravo is the only cartoon I remember watching, tbh. I didn’t get to see a lot of television unless it was the boring ass shit (to a child, anyway) my dad watched.

What was your biggest fear as a child? >> Thunderstorms. Until I hit thirteen and then suddenly I just... wasn’t afraid of them anymore. Don’t ask me how it happened, I really don’t know. (It might have been more gradual than that, of course. Memory is unreliable, especially from that far back.)

Would you rather be able to fly or breathe underwater? >> Breathe underwater. So, you know, I could actually not almost drown for once.

What about invisibility or mindreading? >> Invisibility. I want nothing to do with other people’s minds.

Do you like what you see in the mirror? >> No, which is why I don’t look in the mirror unless it’s necessary.

Which stereotype do you dislike the most? >> All of them??? Stereotypes in general?

Can you remember all your past teachers names? >> I can remember more than I’d expect to remember, but definitely not all of them.

Do you like talent shows? Which ones? >> No.

Have you ever failed an important exam? In what? >> Yeah, I failed the English midterm and final in 11th grade -- well, I say “failed” but it’s more like “I got a zero because I literally turned in a blank sheet of paper”. I... was definitely struggling.

Do you find people taller than you intimidating? >> No.

Do you think you are better than people of a different country/background? >> Fuck no???

What's your favourite thing about your country? >> Dude.

What's your least favourite thing about your country? >> Sigh.

Who is your favourite bzoinker? >> I don’t have a favourite, I just use bzoink to find surveys.

What websites do you have bookmarked? >> I have a lot of websites bookmarked.

Do you use bows and ribbons to decorate your gifts? >> No. Well, I’ll stick a bow on a Christmas gift because why not, but outside of Christmas I don’t even wrap gifts. I might put it in a bag but that’s it.

Do you listen to the same type of music as your parents? What type is that? >> I grew up listening to soul and R&B and gospel, so yes, that’s all still part of me.

What TV show scared you as a kid? >> None.

Family Guy, The Simpsons or South Park? Why? >> Hmm. Well, I don’t really know anything about The Simpsons, but I’d probably like it better than Family Guy, and South Park is so hit-or-miss (with a lot of misses) for me that I can’t really deal with it anymore.

[spacereadinglesbian]

Dear TJ

Summary: Cyrus writes TJ a letter while he’s in the hospital for a suicide attempt.

Trigger warnings ⚠️ Metion of suicide attempt (nothing heavy)

Word count: 1806

Dear TJ,

While you’re reading this your head is probably laying down on a rough hospital pillow and your body is covered by the fuzzy blankets I brought to you three days ago. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing you a letter instead of a phone call, well the answers simple. The hospital monitors phone calls and this is more personable. I don’t really know how start this, that might be why I’m rambling on, I don’t want to say the wrong thing, well write the wrong thing.

Do you remember when we were 14, and going into our freshmen year of high school? We were treading on the line of friends and more than friends. God, I never thought that I would actually being dating THE Theodore James Kippen. Do you remember that night when I was sleeping over at your house and you said “let’s sneak out.” I was so nervous, but at the same time I wanted to impress you. You packed a blanket and an extra hoodie in your bag and we climbed out the window, we headed to the beach. We held hands the whole 37 minute walk there, the only time we let go was when you talked with your hands. I hated it when you talked with your hands that night because I missed the feel of your soft skin on mine. We talked about everything and nothing all in one. I told you about my schedule that the school sent me and you told me about that book you just read. I was still in shock that you were a huge ass nerd. When we finally got to the beach we laid out the blanket you packed and sat on the sand. I laid my head down on your chest and both our hearts were beating abnormally fast. I’ll never forget the cheesiest words that you ever said to me “my heart only beats like this for you.” I knew at the moment that I was falling in love. I decided to take a leap faith and start leaning in to kiss you but, you had the same idea. This wasn’t our first kiss and it sure wasn’t going to be our last but it was special. It said everything we were scared to say and more. We stayed like that, exchanging kisses with the stars in the sky for a while, I felt safe, damn I never felt that safe before. When we pulled apart your eyes were sparkling and your smile was even more gorgeous than the night sky. You took my hand and said “Cy, let’s go skinny dipping.” I thought you were crazy. The only thing going through my mind was “I’m going to get hypothermia and die” but I was drunk on love and decided to go anyway. It was 1’ o’clock in the morning and we were running into the ocean, we were the only two people in the world at that moment. I wanted to stay in that one moment forever. Once we got out of the ocean we put out clothes back on and cuddled under the blanket. You whispered in my ear “Cyrus Joshua Goodman, I’m falling in love with you. Please don’t break my heart.” My reply is still the same today “I don’t plan on it.”

I guess I’m just going down memory lane because all I can think about right now is our freshmen homecoming dance. Do you remember how you asked me? You pulled a Troy Bolton and got the whole basketball team together. Every single player had a tshirt with a different letter and colour on it representing a rainbow, in spelt out “HOMECOMING?” I jumped into your arms with an excited yes.

That Saturday couldn’t come fast enough. We were so excited. You told me the seniors on the basketball team said “Kippen, you don’t wear tuxes, you wear dress pants and a dress shirt. Got it?” We went out and both bought black dress pants, you bought a grey button down with a yellow tie, I got a yellow button down with a grey tie. Your mom wouldn’t stop taking pictures of us. At one point you yelled “MOM! I KNOW WE’RE THE CUTEST COUPLE AT GRANT BUT YOU GOTTA TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.” I kinda wish you took your own advice because you went haywire when we didn’t win homecoming court. When Melissa Jacobs and Josiah Grant won, you yelled “THIS IS HOMOPHOBIA!” Then we left. We went to Denny’s and shared the all you can eat pancakes and bottomless coffee. We were there until 12 am. I think that was one of my favourite nights.

Christmas vacation our sophomore year. We’ve been together for a little over a year and I wanted this to be absolutely perfect for you. You told me that your Christmas will be perfect if you had me by your side. I went shopping for weeks having no clue what to get you until I saw it. It was a key chain that said “drive safe, I need you home. Love Cyrus.” I also got you a sugar cookie candle with our picture on it. We begged your mom for weeks to let me spend the night, and on the 22nd and she actually let me. We spent that whole night in a blanket fort watching Christmas movies (even though I’m Jewish) and stealing kisses. You snuck down to the basement and stole a bottle of wine out of your moms wine cabinet. We knew we could get caught but we didn’t care. We finished the whole bottle and by the end we were a laughing mess, I can’t believe we didn’t wake your parents. That night I fell asleep with my head on your chest and your arm around my body, the next morning I woke up with a hangover. I wouldn’t trade it for a thing.

The summer going into our junior year of high school was magical. We went camping and hiking, we stayed up to see the sun rise. We picked flowers in flower fields and you taught me how to surf. I never thought I could fall more in love with you than I already was, but that summer proved me wrong.

I’ll never forget that night when there was a knock on my window at 1:37 am. I got out of my bed wearing your oversized gym shorts and that’s when I saw you. You were wearing your glasses but, your eyes were still puffy from crying. I slowly tried to help you get into my bedroom, once you hit the floor the tears started rolling out of you. We sat there on the floor for what felt like centuries. You laid your head on my lap while I played with your hair and whispered calming things into your ear. Once your tears subsided I asked what was going on. Your answer was “I have no clue.” We spent the rest of the night cuddled in my bed watching re-runs of friends and eating cookie dough ice cream. The next day you went to the doctors and got on antidepressants.

The few months following your doctors appointment were rough, but babe we got through them, and we learned to love each other even more.

Then last week happened. You texted me and told me that you were staying home from school because “you weren’t feeling it” I understood. I went through the whole day knowing I was going to surprise you at home after school, but then I got a text message. The text said “I love you.” I knew I shouldn’t be worried about it, but I was. I left the school as soon as I read it and hurried to your house. It was only a 5 minute drive. The door was locked but luckily I knew where the spare key was kept, it was under the flower pot. I stepped into your yellow house calling out your name. I got no response. I went into your room and that’s where I saw you. I was so thankful, I thought you were just taking a nap so I thought I’d join you. That’s when I got closer and realised that was all a fantasy. You had pill bottles littering your floor. Your anti-depressant, sleeping pills, and some of your moms prescribed pain killers. I froze at the moment, I had no clue how bad it was. I called 9-1-1 and that’s when the words suicide attempt exited my mouth. The ambulance came fast, and I called your mom, she said she’d meet us at the hospital. The ambulance wouldn’t let me drive with them, I followed them in my car. I waited in the waiting room for 6 hours, on edge, we didn’t know if you were alive. The doctors finally came out and told us we could see you. When I saw you, tears fell out of both of our eyes. The only words coming out of your mouth was the repetition of “I’m sorry.” I said it then, and dammit I’ll say it again, TJ you have nothing to be sorry about. That night I spent the night in your hospital room, the next morning you were being transported to a hospital for teenagers with mental health issues. Your nurse told me that I shouldn’t see you everyday. It might make your recovery harder, and you need to find the strength to wake up in the morning. If you think I haven’t seen you in three days because I fell out of love with you, it’s the exact opposite. I haven’t seen you because I love you. I need you to get better Teej. The amount of times I’ve been in that parking lot a drove away is crazy, I’m hoping they don’t have security cameras because they probably think I’m stalking a patient. I need you to know that I love you.

Theodore, I know these few months are going to be rough, but you can’t get rid of me that easily. I’m going to be here for you through your highs and lows, ups and downs. I’ll be there when you can’t sleep or when you feel like you can’t wake up. You are worth more than the stars in the sky, and I can’t imagine a life without you. You’re strong and brave and beautiful and miraculous. You’re going to get through this. And I’m going to love you through it all.

I’ll see you tomorrow with some sweatshirts, sweatpants, pens and notebooks, I might even bring a coffee if they allow it. Then I won’t see you until you get out.

Theodore James Kippen, I am so utterly in love with you. Hold on for me please.

Love always,

Cyrus

[inthestarsman-blog]

January 30th, 2018 - My fear still sees when my eyes are closed, but the blame's on me this is the path I chose. Trigger warning.

I will pick up where I left off. This is on my phone so it may be shit with spelling mistakes and what not because my internet is fucked atm and I want to write.

So I arrived at this treatment facility sometime in June of 2014. This whole time is blurry so forgive me please for any unexplained gaps. When I got there, I was fucking terrified. This place was beautiful though, what with their beautiful desert foliage, multiple outdoor and indoor fountains, and boy I thought MY bed was comfy. I had no idea. Two guys to a room, and all my roomies were cool as shit. The first guy was a big dude from Georgia. We talked cars, music and drugs all night sometimes. He ended up telling me if anyone were to fuck with me, to let him know. Cool man a bodyguard! (I'm skinny remember?)

The next guy was a big fucking bodybuilder guy. He was well off as he sold insurance. He was the chillest guy in the place. We got along well. The last guy was a dude my age, who shared the same familiar scars down his bicep. He aspired to be a comedian, and would do well to do so.

We walked those halls, beautiful as they were, with an intense emotional and mental stress always mounting. Am I wasting my time here? Will they help Me? Can they fix Me? Nope. The breakfast, lunch and dinner were always high quality. It was quite enjoyable actually.

It was enjoyable until a psychologist pulled me in to give me an exam for BPD. I pass with flying colors. I was assigned 5 antidepressants. Cymbalta, fluvoxamine, welbutrin, xyprexa and another I can't remember. I don't take them anymore and stopped immediately upon leaving..but we're getting ahead of ourselves.

I met some awesome people here. People I still talk to, and others I can't because they're dead. Such is life...I guess..

One of those dead, was the first person to speak to me and offer me words of wisdom when I got there. Found out a year after leaving he had gotten shot on a drug deal. It made me sick. Eventually I got out of there 30 days later and upon exiting the plane, got high. I went with R, from the treatment facility to buy some suboxone, because at that time my tolerance was such that suboxone and subutex fucked me up hard.

I somehow managed to keep it at a minimum though, until I moved in with my aunt. At this time period I was introduced to cocaine. I only bought one bag at this time though, and dosed through work on a Friday.

I went to a friend's near my aunt's for a while, doing pain pills, acid, codeine, Xanax, etc. I met my most recent ex at this point. A new friend, J, invited me to live with her to get me out of my aunt's. I jumped at the opportunity as it was closer to my work and I would be out on my own again. Terrible idea. It wasn't long before J and I were dating. The rules of the relationship? Only be faithful and if I want to get high, she has to be with me for safety because I tend to be reckless.

We fell for each other hard. She was beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes, and she was so sweet to me. She took such good care of me and I dragged that relationship through the dirt. When we got into our new apartment she would wake up with me, get an adderall ready for me with some coffee while I showered. She would also start my car so it would be warm, then she would go to the community college and I to work. On weekends and at nights, I made it hell. She has taken a belt off my neck when my face was purple, she has found me covered in blood in the bathroom from cuts down my arms, then she would tend to them. Maybe I craved the care, but since I had started taking a new anti depressant maybe I just wanted to feel. They always made me so numb. Eventually we broke up, for the better. Here's where it gets nasty.

She was gone and I was left with a hole 10 ten miles wide. What was my filler of choice? Literally any drug. Heroin, meth, cocaine, pain pills, hallucinogens, etc. It was every night, all night, then to work the next day; I was an empty shell. I always had bags under my empty eyes, and couldn't function without some substance. Eventually a friend of mine saw how I was, and asked me to come to another treatment center in Florida this time, closer to home.

The night before going into treatment I got completely blasted. Like 5 or 6 drugs to calm my nerves. I don't want to do this again. When I got there, they put me in the eating disorder unit. This was probably best as it was a great many people less than the normal unit. I slept for an entire day before I was able to get up and eat or take medicine. I only got up to smoke cigarettes and to use the bathroom because I was filled with anxiety and depression. All I could think about was J, and how much I had disappointed her. All I wanted to do was leave and get high. Eventually, I was put on two anti depressants. I only lasted about a week in there, as the anti depressants gave me horrible RLS, and I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a position of not being able to sleep, but all there is to do is sleep, but it’s bad. I RMA’d a week after arriving, and was set out on my own. Luckily I had gotten paid my last check so I got an uber to the airport, and a plane ticket home. Again, I got high upon getting home.

[ryttu3k]

For the ask meme: Sycamore for 3, 6, 7, 12, 14, 19, 28, 30, 33, 34, 45, 49!

Oh boy howdy let’s go :D These will generally be for both gameverse and animeverse versions, although where they diverge, I’ll note it down.

3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

Just working at the lab is pretty good exercise! Looking after the Pokemon in the enclosure and running around after them, giving squirming baby starters their check-ups, meeting up with students - he doesn’t have an official exercise regime or anything, but does plenty of running around just in his everyday life.

6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

Vegetarian, although that’s very much the norm in my headcanon Pokeverse. His eating habits are best described as ‘holy shit dude how are you not malnourished’, since when he gets right into working, he pretty much subsides on pastries and coffee, aside from when friends/family/concerned coworkers actually get him something with actual vitamins and minerals that aren’t caffeine and go “EAT THE FUCKING HEALTHY FOOD, AUGUSTINE” and stare at him intently until he shows a bit of self-care. …Ahem. If he was to go out for dinner or something, he prefers comfortable, homey dishes like ratatouille and minestrone and green salads and some nice crusty bread, nothing super fancy. He is a bit pickier with his coffee, though, and has pretty refined tastes there.

7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

Drawing. He’s a natural doodler. Given a few spare minutes, out come the pencils, drawing everything from still-lifes of his surroundings, to Pokemon, to people and landscapes from memory. He does tend to feel guilty about wasting time, though, and will generally tell himself off and make himself get back to work. Animeverse version also enjoys TV, including watching performances. (Great use of lab equipment there guys A+.)

Putting the rest under a cut, it’s getting long ;D

12. Favorite book genre?

Very much with escapism, he’s pretty fond of fantasy, when he’s reading for pleasure. It’s pretty rare these days, but he enjoys it a lot just as an escape from everything else, and there’ll often be a novel at the bottom of his bag.

14. Physical abnormalities differences? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

So if we’re including disabilities, then technically Aspergers and ADHD comes under this? So, comorbid Aspergers and ADHD, yeah, although they’re much more just… neurotypes rather than disabilities.

On an actual illness note, for the gameverse version, he also has depression, anxiety, and is prone to insomnia, so general health issues resulting from not enough sleep and a fairly shoddy diet. Medication-wise, he takes an antidepressant for it, something Diantha encouraged after everything with Lysandre.

The animeverse version doesn’t seem to have the same depression and anxiety issues, I feel? He’s still autistic and has ADHD, but basically has his life together more. Still kind of prone to overworking, weird sleeping patterns, and not eating as well as he should, but not quite as badly as gameverse.

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

For both versions, work work work, lots of thinking about work. Gameverse version tends to have a lot of dark/sad/upsetting/guilty thoughts about everything with Lysandre, which, honestly, is a big part of his insomnia. Animeverse version had a lot of trouble sleeping through stress after the Flare incident, mostly in the form of guilt about not realising what was going on with Alain sooner, but that’s slowly working out, especially since he knows that Alain is sleeping comfortably in the next bedroom.

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Best friend is Diantha, and that’s true whether they’re twins (gameverse) or unrelated (animeverse)! Although her career does tend to mean she’s pretty busy, they get together as often as they can and just. Hang out. In animeverse, Meyer is also one of his closest friends as well as his partner.

Worst enemy is… uh, in gameverse, it’s basically himself :| Lots of guilt over Lysandre. In animeverse, it actually is Lysandre and his only regret is not being able to punch the fucker in the face in person for everything he did to Alain.

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

Gameverse, he canonically does the whole “:) :) :) Nothing is wrong :) :) :)” thing. Like the Couriway scene, he starts out pretty flat and sad, using a lot of ellipses, generally subdued body language, actually turning away from the protag. Within seconds, he’s all smiles and energy and !!! again, so basically suppress, suppress, suppress, and fall apart when there’s no one else around.

Animeverse strikes me as being more emotionally honest and proactive? Like gameverse did make moves to stop Lysandre from behind the scenes, but animeverse, when Gabby was stolen, actively and immediately went out to find her and like. Flung himself down a cliff to defend her! He acts quicker and actually shows much more honest expressions - when he’s angry with the Rockets, it shows, when he’s scared, it shows. So I feel animeverse would react to intrapersonal disaster by actually reaching out to people and not bottling everything up (unless he’s trying to keep a strong face for someone else, like Alain or the kids).

33. Concept of home and family?

Family and home are basically synonymous! I see him having a pretty good relationship with his biological family (gameverse Diantha, Auntie Drasna, parents, et cetera), but also others becoming part of family of choice. Best example, of course, is in animeverse, with Alain, who is definitely his son, and his relationship with Meyer, and Clemont and Bonnie becoming his stepkids (and he’s already great with Bonnie even before that, like lifting her up to pet Gabby in the second episode!), and he’s sort of adopted all his other students too, especially Manon (protective Papa Wolf Sycamore defending Manon from the Flare grunt was SO GOOD). Whoops, he’s acquired another child :’)

Gameverse version pretty much adopts all his students too, although since they seem to be older than in gameverse, the dynamic can sometimes be more like a mentor and protege than a parent and a younger child. Sina and Dexio, for instance, are more like grown-up offspring - he’s still protective and proud of them, but also trusts them more to be independent. He’d have quite a different dynamic with 10-year-old Serena (a child, he’s protective of her, is proud and encouraging of her, and basically looks after her during the Flare crisis) than he would of 17-year-old Serena (still protective, proud, and encouraging, but he knows she’s much more capable of taking care of herself, and sees her more as a protege or apprentice than a dependent).

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

Private, definitely, although he’d basically joke about TMI without actually like… revealing actual things. So he’d basically deflect attention with masks and jokes, because he doesn’t want to worry people, or he doesn’t think it’s anyone’s business, stuff like that.

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

So I always get stuck on this question for the Pokeverse because they have like. Actual canonical Ghost-types and various Gods and stuff like that, haha. Ghost-types definitely exist! Ghosts of Pokemon and people, probably, there’s been reputable sightings. Also, frankly, the Paris/Lumiose underground is probably A Mess thanks to the catacombs, I bet they’re packed with Ghost-types and. Actual ghosts. Probably more ‘it could definitely happen but haven’t personally encountered them’ for the actual ghosts. Superstition-wise, I bet there’s a ton related to the legendaries, and I’d bet the ones relating to Zygarde become a whole lot more interesting for animeverse version now that he’s actually met them! “Oh, yes, the deity of the balance between life and death? Yeah, swabbed the little one, they didn’t seem too pleased. My stepdaughter carried them around in her little bag. Cool li’l bean. Well. Big bean.”

This question becomes really funny for my Xerneas!Sycamore, incidentally.

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

OPERATION HIDE BEHIND THE GARCHOMP. …Okay no he does grab that Flare grunt but, uh, that wasn’t really a fist fight, and he was still pretty quick to get Gabby out, haha. He’s, um, not formidable. (Gameverse is basically the same except it’s OPERATION HIDE BEHIND THE CHARIZARD or something XD )

AND DONE.

[5hfanfiction]

Everything Is A Metaphor

Chapter 4

* * *

Listen to: Cactus In the Valley Acoustic by LIGHTS and Owl City

“Tell me that you still recall my name.”

————————————————————————————————————

The bag of chocolate-covered potato chips is tossed between four hands until all but one of the 36 chips remain. Instinctively, the two girls flop up from the bed, where they previously lay. Dinah reaches the bag first, but that doesn’t stop Lauren from grabbing on.

“Think about it: these things are salty and sugary at once! You don’t wanna look bloated when you see Camila, do you?”

Lauren arches a brow. “I’m heartbroken and confused. Try again.”

“Well, you don’t wanna get in the habit of eating your emotions, right? You’ll gain like, twenty pounds in two weeks.”

“Are you calling me fat, Dinah?”

“I’m looking out for you!”

“Hey, Di,” Lauren smirks, eyes wide with amusement. “Remember that one time you kept Camila hidden from me and I had to find out all on my own?”

“Ugh,” Dinah finally gives in, tossing the bag to Lauren. “That’s a low blow. Even for you, Jauregui.”

Lauren’s silent for a beat. After finishing the last chip, she smiles sadly.

“Camila keeps calling me that.”

The two girls enter an uncomfortable silence, one that ends with Lauren tossing the chip bag onto the floor and collapsing back onto her bed. She buries her face in her hands, groaning into them.

Dinah sighs, “That bad, huh?”

“I don’t even know if I like her, Di,” Lauren removes her hands from her face. “I love Lucy, I have since the first day we started dating. It’s not like I’m in love with this new Camila.”

Dinah gives her a look.

“I’m not!” Lauren smacks Dinah on the arm.”I barely even know her and even if I did-…even if after the dinner I somehow found myself attracted to her, I would never act on it. It’s too…fucked up. God,” Lauren buries her face in her hands again. “The whole prospect of her even being here still freaks me out.”

“Okay, but that’s the thing: you say you barely even know her, and yet…-“

“That’s different.”

“Is it, though? I mean, let’s stop lying to ourselves here, Lauren!” Dinah hops off the bed and begins pacing around the dorm room. After a few moments she halts, crossing her arms. “The only difference between Camila and Camila 2.0 is that she…well-“

“She doesn’t remember me.”

Lauren feels nausea stir through her gut.

“She doesn’t remember us.” Dinah corrects. “But is that really such a terrible thing-?”

Seeing Lauren’s skeptical look, Dinah raises her hands up in defense.

“Hear me out,” She says, her voice softer. “It’s been what, two weeks since she asked you out?”

Lauren nods.

“And you’ve been sleeping all through the night?”

Lauren nods again.

“No panic attacks? No meds? Not even tears?”

“It’s not like that.” Lauren sits up, growing annoyed. “So I’ve been skypeing with Dr. Lovato in order to keep my anxiety at bay. It has nothing to do with Camila.”

“But you’re not having nightmares anymore. That’s something not even Dr. Lovato could make happen.”

“What are you implying, Dinah?” Lauren says sharply. “That just because Camila’s back, suddenly all the shit that’s happened in the past doesn’t matter anymore?”

Dinah thinks carefully about her next words. Easing her tone, she says, “No, Lo,” She shakes her head, sitting back on the bed next to Lauren.

“Her being back doesn’t mean you’re cured; I know that. But you’ve been better lately, whether you want to admit it or not. I think-“ Dinah sighs. “I think maybe reuniting with Camila is what you needed all along. Like, maybe it’s the first step to closure. And closure is really all you’ve ever wanted, right?”

Lauren considers Dinah’s words for a moment. She scoots all the way to the end of the bed, until her feet are planted firmly on the ground. Could Camila’s presence really ease the mental anguish Lauren usually feels on a normal basis, as though she were some antidepressant the doctors forgot about?

Here’s the thing: people can’t heal people. An alcoholic isn’t healed by another alcoholic, or even someone who’s been sober all their life. Love is powerful, but it isn’t strong enough to overcome the deepest of mental scarring. Even non-romantic relationships don’t hold enough strength to heal disorders. A therapist exists to help a patient, but even they understand they cannot heal them completely less the patient do most of the work themselves. Maybe that’s why the therapist always orders the patient, “you have to want to get better yourself.”

But, then again, Lauren is still relying on the idea that Camila isn’t healing her. Maybe she’s just…an option. Something used to forget about all the shitty things that have ever happened and/or are still happening. Dr. Lovato is always telling Lauren to find a safe-space. Maybe Camila is it.

But if Camila is her safe-space, then what does that make Lucy-?

“You’re smiling,” Dinah sing-songs, arching a brow. “You know I’m right, don’t you?”

Lauren rolls her eyes. “What about Lucy, Dinah? I can’t just be in love with both of them-“ She stutters, eyes widening. “I mean, not like I’m in love with C-“

“Lucy loves you, and you think you love Lucy.” Dinah takes a moment for Lauren to relax, to stop stumbling over her words.

“But,” She continues. “Lucy, more than anything else, wants you to be happy. She doesn’t want you to end up, I don’t know, marrying her without at least trying with Camila.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“But it does! If you don’t try with Camila, you’ll regret it. How do you know you really love Lucy, Lauren? Camila is the one girl you’ve ever really-really-loved. Don’t tell me you haven’t wanted to be with Camila at least once since she first came here.”

Lauren can’t lie. Feeling her cheeks grow red, she shifts her eyes downward.

“Exactly.” Dinah continues. “Look, I have no doubt that you have good intentions with Lucy. Maybe somewhere you really do love her. But the fact remains that, well, you keep flirting with Camila. If you never solve your feelings for Camila, you won’t be happy with Lucy. And all Lucy wants you to be is happy; that’s why she’s giving you this opportunity to go on a date with Mila. It isn’t a trick. She just wants to avoid conflict.”

Again, Lauren takes in Dinah’s words. Maybe Lucy was right- maybe Lauren does have to make a choice. She flops back onto the bed a final time, grabbing a pillow from overhead and covering her face with it. She screams.

“So,” Dinah says, arching a brow. “Is it a date?”

Lauren throws the pillow across the room. “Hand me my phone,” She says.

————————————————————————————————————

“I’m nervous.”

“Don’t be!”

“No, like,” Lauren struggles to maintain her breathing. “I’m really nervous.”

Dinah scoffs, and though the two of them are on the phone, Lauren can see the girl rolling her eyes. “Jesus, Lo. She’s the one who’s been drooling over you, not the other way around. There’s no reason to be nervous.”

“Are you kidding me?! Hi, Camz, nice to see you again. I’m really nervous because we haven’t been on an actual date in two years and-! Oh, my bad! Forgot you lost all your memories in that car crash that I caused because I decided to drive-“

“Lauren,” Dinah says, her tone sharp. “Chill. How far from the restaurant are you?”

The dark-haired girl stops herself in the bathroom mirror, taking note of how her cheeks are suddenly flushed.

“I’m-…I’m already here.”

“Oh my god, Lauren!”

“What?! I’m early!” Lauren puts the phone on speaker and sets it down on the sink counter. She smooths out her short black dress, then proceeds to fix her makeup: her coral lipstick had faded, and her mascara isn’t holding as much as she would like.

“You’re not just early, Lo. You’re hella early. Hella! Like, fifteen minutes early!”

Lauren sighs. “It’s not that bad. You’re overreacting.”

“What are you supposed to do for fifteen minutes?! You already have a reservation!”

After reapplying her makeup, Lauren turns the water faucet on to wash off her hands. “Di,” She says, exasperated. “You’re really not helping my anxiety right now.”

“Well you’re the one who decided to show up to a date twenty minutes early with nothing to do!” Dinah’s voice rings through the phone speaker, making it vibrate. “I mean, really, Lo-“

And the phone, vibrating, slides off the counter.

And into the sink.

Into the running water.

“Shit!” Lauren snatches the phone out of the sink with her wet hands, only to have it slip out of them and into the sink again. “Shit!” She repeats.

“Am I hearing what I think I’m hearing?” Dinah’s distorted voice breaks through the water. “Did you drop me in the toilet?!”

“Shitshitshitshit,” Cursing herself for being so stupid and not doing it in the first place, Lauren shuts the water off. She dries her hands on her dress, but by the time she reaches for the phone, she’s too late.

“Dinah!” She cries, now trying to dry her phone with her dress. She groans, the phone still glitching.

“Don’t you die on me- Ow!”

The phone shocks her before going dead. She slams the phone back down into the sink.

“Fucking hell,” Lauren buries her face in her hands, leaning on the sink counter. Of course her phone fucking dies from water damage minutes before a date- If she’s even allowed to call it that.

“Excuse me, M’am?” A female voice calls out suddenly, causing Lauren to jump. Shit, was she having that much of a breakdown that she didn’t even notice someone come in? She keeps her back turned, too embarrassed to face the stranger.

“I happen to be majoring in computer science, and I couldn’t help but notice your phone, well…” The girl trails off, chuckling dryly. “I could probably fix it here, if we act quickly enough. You know, if you’d like?”

Her voice is a bit off- nasally and hollow. Realistically, Lauren should probably say no thanks and be on her way out of there. But her phone’s broken, and Camila could be here any minute! She can’t just pass up an opportunity like this.

“That would be great, actually-“

The two girls stare at each other for a moment, one with a smug smile, the other tearing up from frustration.

“Fuck you.” Lauren mumbles seriously, sighing as she slams her elbows onto the sink counter. She buries her face in her palms, suddenly tired.

“I’m sorry!” Camila chuckles hysterically, her smirk growing into a full-blown grin. “That was way too easy, you can’t blame me.”

“It was insensitive and stupid.” Lauren keeps her head down.

Camila raises a brow. “Oh, come on,” She lowers her voice a bit, making it softer. “You know I was just kidding-“

“I don’t care if you were just kidding, Camila! You have no idea the day I’ve had and you just added to my stress by a thousand ton. You really think that’s funny?”

Camila steps back, her confidence wavering. She thinks for a moment, then steps closer to Lauren, concerned.

“No, nonono,” She whispers, eyes wide. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I swear. I was just-“ But Camila catches herself, seeing the amusement grow in Lauren’s eyes.

“You’re fucking with me.” Camila realizes.

Lauren smirks. “Mm, not yet.” She raises a brow.

There’s a brief moment of silence, one that ends in Camila’s hesitant, confused features and Lauren’s smirk, cementing into a grimace. There is the realization that these two girls are not, indeed, dating. They aren’t even on a real date. Because Lauren has a girlfriend. That’s what she told Camila, isn’t it?

(But if that’s so true, then why would Lucy push Lauren into this- whatever this is?”

Camila clears her throat. “Are you feeling alright?”

Lauren flashes an eager grin. “Nope.” She buries her face in her hands one final time, groaning. She spreads her fingers to speak. “I’m really fucking nervous.”

“Nervous?” Camila raises a brow. “But why would-!” Her brow skyrockets even higher, and the girl steps back as shock drops open her mouth.

“Lauren Jauregui!” She laughs, crossing her arms. She cocks her head. “You think this is a-“ But she can’t bring herself to say the word ‘date’. Instead, she stutters, “A-are things okay with Lucy?”

It’s not the question Lauren was expecting to hear. She wets her lips, her mouth suddenly dry. “Do you want the honest answer?”

Camila shrugs. “I don’t know, do I?”

Lauren takes a shaky breath, concentrating on finding the right words to say. If she’s being honest, this isn’t the question she wants to answer. Inquiries about her life, her dreams, her passions; Lauren can handle that. But when it comes to Lucy, what used to be flowers and candy hearts is now a battleground. She doesn’t know where she stands with Lucy at this point, and Lauren hates herself for it. She thought she loved Lucy, thought she’d maybe even marry Lucy. But now, she sees, maybe it was all just a dream. A false vision to keep her desire for Camila at bay.

Lauren closes her eyes as she says it: “I love Lucy.” She inhales another shaky breath, wanting nothing more than to erase the crumpled hope in Camila’s frown. Lauren continues, “At least, I thought I did.” She pauses again, searching for words.

Camila starts, “I don’t know what you-“

“I thought I loved her,” Lauren cuts her off, speaking now from the heart. She looks into Camila’s eyes. “I told her I loved her every day since you transferred here. And yet, I’ve been flirting with you every day since you transferred here, too.”

Camila clears her throat uncomfortably, blood rushing to her cheeks.

“I was telling Lucy she has my heart one minute and calling you cute the next. And the worst part of it?” Lauren tears up. “I didn’t even realize it.”

“I really don’t know-“

“Camila,” Lauren cuts her off again. “I’m attracted to you. I know that makes me sound like an asshole because I have a girlfriend, but I am. And if Lucy realized it before I did, then clearly there’s an issue.” Lauren clears her throat this time, struggling to lighten the words going down her throat. “I got into a fight with Lucy the other night. She told me I had to choose between you and her, as if I could make such a choice. I thought I loved her, that I could choose her, but…she told me I can’t consciously choose. It’s my heart that makes the decision.”

“You’re being too cheesy right now-“

“Let me finish,” Lauren warns the other girl. “I can’t love Lucy if I have a crush on you. I can’t be in love with her if I think of you time to time. I have to determine my feelings before diving into things again. So, put simply,” Lauren sighs. “Luce and I are on a hiatus, until I find out what my heart wants.”

The two girls sit in silence, contemplating the sting left by Laurens words hanging in the air. Then, Camila hesitantly speaks.

“And if your heart decides it wants me?”

Lauren glances down. “The heart wants what the heart wants, right?”

The silence falls over them again, and Lauren quickly tries to reassure Camila.

“I mean, I’m not like, saying you have to date me, or anything! I’m just saying that, like, Lucy would break up with me because I can’t give her myself completely, and that’s what she needs in a partner. I don’t know, I-“ Lauren stutters over her words, trying to catch her breath. “I’m not saying you’d have any interest in dating me anyway, I mean, if you don’t want this to be a date then-“

“Jauregui,” Camila says in a low voice, and when Lauren is finally brought back down to earth she shuts her mouth. Camila arches a brow, smiling. She sighs a long sigh, then grabs Lauren’s hand.

“Let’s go have dinner.”

“But, I don’t want you to think-“

“Lauren,” Camila squeezes her hand. “There’s no room for anxiety tonight. It’s just us, me and you. And maybe some fancy Sicilian pizza.” She grins. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

And as Lauren forces herself to smile back and nod, walk along with Camila to their table, all she can think about is-

This is wrong. This is immoral. She’s on a date with her ex-girlfriend who doesn’t know she’s Lauren’s ex-gilrfriend. She’s clueless, clean of all her memories from two years. The only ones who remember are Lauren, among Dinah and Ally and even Lucy. If her heart does choose Camila, how can she date the girl in good conscience? In what universe is it moral for someone to date an amnesiac from the past?

How can she live a lie?

————————————————————————————————————

By the time their food arrives, Lauren has already torn off four of her fingernails. Her leg refuses to stop bouncing, and she’s doing it with so much force the table is actually beginning to shake. She can hear some of Camila’s words, but most of them are drowned out by the various drummings of the restaurant: a song played on a piano; voices talking over each other, some giggling and others straight-on yelling; forks and knives battling for a single bite of food; plates clamoring in the kitchen-

Jesus, there’s so much commotion Lauren thinks she may throw up. She folds over in her chair and holds her head in one hand, feeling the sudden pang of a migraine. She’s had bad anxiety on dates before, but nothing like this.

And Lauren thinks she knows why-

“Lauren!” Camila’s voice finally reaches Lauren’s ears loud and clear. When she turns to focus on the girl’s face, she realizes-much to her relief-that Camila isn’t mad about her non-listening. Instead, she’s actually quite worried. Camila arches a brow, glancing from Lauren’s uneaten salad to her bouncing leg and finally, her empty, glossed-over eyes.

“Listen,” Camila sighs, putting her fork down. “If this is too much for you-“

“It’s not-!” Lauren blurts out, trying to save what’s left of her disaster of a date. She takes a deep breath before continuing, holding Camila’s gaze. “I’m just,” She sighs again. “I’m acting really-“

Camila reaches over the table and grabs Lauren’s hand. “You’re anxious as hell, Lauren. Why continue this night if you’re only going to more nauseous with every hour that passes?”

Lauren clears her throat, her gaze slipping away.

“Oh, come on, Jauregui,” Camila smiles reassuringly. “I’m not taking it personally. You’re a little emo baby right now, what with Lucy and everything! Maybe we should try again after-“

“No,” Lauren cuts her off, her voice suddenly strong and confident as ever. “I’ll get over myself. If we cancel this date I know I’m never going to reschedule. You think I’m nervous now? I-“ Lauren sighs, her words escaping her again. She buries her face in her hands, trying to contain herself. “I’m sorry,” She mumbles. “Give me a second.”

So, in short, the date is going disastrous. Lauren can barely string together two words, and all Camila can do is sit there awkwardly, waiting for Lauren to swallow her pride and just end the date already. At this point, anxiety has a death-grip on Lauren’s throat, and as much as she knows she should call things off, her mouth simply won’t allow the words.

Because if Lauren calls it off, then it all ends. If Lauren can’t get through one night with Camila without having a panic attack or crying, then maybe they aren’t meant to be. She shivers at the thought of it, feeling a new wave of nausea run down her stomach.

“You’re blanking out again,” Camila says sharply, squeezing Lauren’s hand to get her attention back. “Lauren-“ She starts to say something, but changes her mind. Realization washes over her face, and suddenly she releases Lauren’s hand. Camila then scoots out from the table and jumps out of her seat and-

And she fucking walks away.

It all happens so quickly, Lauren can barely comprehend what’s happening until Camila’s halfway out of sight. Panicking, she jumps from her own seat and chases after the girl. “Camila!” She yells, stumbling over her feet. “Wait-! I’m sorry-!”

But when she reaches Camila, the girl isn’t one foot out the door. Instead, she’s at a piano, taking a seat next to the restaurant’s regular pianist. She smiles and reaches into her pocket, pulling out what looks like way too much money to be a tip. She slides it over to him, winking and, as soon as the money is in his hand, the suited pianist steps away from his instrument.

What the fuck?! Lauren looks side to side, questioning if this scene is actually happening. She runs a hand through her hair and tries to catch her breath, looking like a fool standing in the middle of the restaurant.

Camila turns to face Lauren, and she beckons the girl. “Join me when you’re ready,” She mouths, eyes bright with confidence. She turns back to the piano then, placing her hands across the delicate keys.

And when the first note is heard, Lauren nearly tears up.

Because it’s the song.

Their song.

————————————————————————————————————

The song is played in the present. Camila is there, four feet away from Lauren, singing the first verse of the first and only song ever shared between the two girls. But all the memories-all the meaning behind the song; It’s all in the past. Maybe that’s why Lauren just stands there like an idiot, watching-though not really seeing-Camila sing in the most delicate voice she’s ever heard. Maybe that’s why all Lauren can think about is their past, their moments carved around this song. Maybe that’s why her anxiety is suddenly frozen; all emotion washed away with a single piano chord.

I never meant to wither.

I wanted to be tall.

Like a fool left the river

And watched my branches fall.

Old and thirsty I long for the flood to come back around

To the cactus in the valley thats about to crumble down.

Lauren can’t sleep, yet again. She tosses and turns in the bed for what feels like hours, until finally Camila sighs audibly and reaches for Lauren’s hand, intertwining her fingers with the older girl’s. “What’s wrong?” She mumbles sleepily, her eyes still closed.

Instead of stuttering apologies over and over again, Lauren simply sighs back, her hand hanging limply in Camila’s. “I had a dream about him again.” Instantly, Camila rolls over so that her entire body embraces Lauren. Her grip is so tight, Lauren thinks she may suffocate though, frankly, she doesn’t care. “He’s going to be fine,” Camila whispers. “He always is.”

Lauren struggles to clear her throat. “You can’t promise me that.”

“You’re right,” Camila admits. “I can’t promise you that he’ll be okay or that he’ll be out of the hospital tomorrow morning. But I can promise you that I’ll be here, always, holding your hand through whatever happens. You’re not alone in this,” Camila squeezes Lauren’s hand. “I can promise you that.”

And as much as Lauren wants to hold onto the hope her girlfriend provides, she simply can’t depend on silver linings anymore. Not with her dad in the hospital for the up tenth time, for what could very well be the last time. She hates the fact that she cannot control anything, not even her relationship with Camila. All she can depend on is hope, and she’s fucking tired of depending on hope. Finally, Lauren can’t hold it in any longer. A single tear rolls down her cheek, then, quickly, she begins full-out sobbing. She grabs onto a pillow and buries her face in it so that Camila won’t be too exposed to her cries.

“I’ve got you,” is all Camila can murmur, her grip around Lauren somehow tighter now. She feels Lauren’s rib-cracking cries against her own body, and finally, the girl can no longer take it. She does the only thing she can do in such a moment. In her sleepy voice, she sings.

And wipe the mark of sadness from my face

Show me that your love will never change.

If my yesterday is a disgrace.

Tell me that you still recall my name.

And suddenly, Lauren is back in the restaurant, this time fully seeing Camila sing at the piano. The girl’s eyes are closed, and though her voice is soft the passion behind her words is unbearably loud. Here is again the thread that Lauren can hold onto. The thread of hope; thin and getting thinner, but still existing. And Lauren grabs on, before its too late. The second verse of the song is coming up, and Lauren knows what she has to do.

Upon seeing Lauren’s shadow over the piano, Camila scoots over to make room for the girl. Filled with confidence, Lauren smirks and places a hand on the piano, playing the overarching bass chords of the song while Camila maintains the lighter notes. To Camila’s surprise, Lauren begins singing.

So the storm finally found me

And left me in the dark

In the cloud around me

I don’t know where you are

If this whole world goes up in arms all I can do is stand

And I won’t fight for anyone until you move my hand.

And Camila does, in fact move Lauren’s hand. As the song approaches its bridge, Camila places one hand over Lauren’s own on the piano, guiding it to the darker, heavier notes. Lauren allows her to do so without any complaint. The two girls are lost in the music, minds guided only by notes and lyrics. Nothing else matters in this moment.

Oh, here, in the shadow

Here I am

And I need someone by my side

It becomes so

Hard to stand

And I keep trying to dry my eyes

Come and find me

In the valley

It is here where the two girls make eye-contact, green fading into brown. Two bold smirks; knowing eyes; everything they’d ever need to know about each other communicated through one song. They sing together:

And wipe the mark of sadness from my face

Show me that your love will never change

If my yesterday is a disgrace

Tell me that you still recall my name

And wipe the mark of madness from my face

Show me that your love will never change

If my yesterday is a disgrace

Tell me that you still recall my name.

They play the final note together, holding each other’s gaze even after the song ends. It is predictable for the two girls to lean into each other, eyes still open but slowly-slowly-closing as they inch closer, closer, closer-

Until the reality of it all hits Lauren too hard.

She can’t do this. She pulls away from Camila, her heart-rate skyrocketing.

She can’t do this. She slides away from the piano, clutching her stomach as she apologies to Camila. “I can’t do this.”

She can’t do this. Lauren nearly trips on her way out of the restaurant.

She can’t do this. She nearly throws up at the sound of Camila yelling after her, “Lauren! Wait-!”

She can’t do this. She can’t fucking do this. And she’s a fucking fool for ever thinking she could have.

 ———————————————————————————————

what should happen in the next chapter? will lauren be able to overcome the scars of her past, or will she be forced to let camila go? lemme know what u wanna see and pls keep the feedback coming (:

have a nice day!!

[gaiatheorist]

The drugs don’t work. (For me.)

This is a weird one. Awake at midnight last night, I did what I do, and browsed the news. My disrupted sleep is partly due to the brain injuries, and partly ‘just’ the situation I find myself in. There’s the potential for some well-meaning but insensitive soul to suggest warm milk, no screen-time, ‘meaningful’ breathing, and the plethora of other things you ‘should’ do when you can’t sleep. Nobody has suggested sleeping tablets to me, yet, but there’s a whole internet out there, is it my melatonin, my seratonin, my magnesium? (I don’t know if magnesium has anything to do with anything, apparently it can impact on the binding of the vitamin D I’m probably deficient in, though.) 

Can’t sleep? Take a ‘Kalm’, or a ‘Nytol’, or Valerian root, or Mankuna honey in warm milk, or something from Gwyneth Paltrow’s weird range. Lavender worked really well for someone’s auntie Gladys, and so-and-so swears by chamomile tea. I’m making fun of myself, there, because if there’s a herbal/holistic remedy, I’ll try that before the ‘chemical’, synthesised alternatives. (’Chemical’ in quote-marks, as a nod to Tim Minchin, who rightly points out that ‘Everything is chemical, EVERYTHING.’) That tendency to stick to herbs, essential oils, and food-based medicine, rather than prescribed medicine infuriates my son, it would do, he’s studying Chemistry, he understands the ‘hard’ science stuff that baffles me. He’s 20 in a few weeks, and he’s been to the doctor four times in his entire life. Fucithalmic acid drops for conjunctivitis when he was a baby. I finished the course, and then treated with eyebright and breastmilk, he’s never had a re-occurrence. Septic tonsillitis in 2010, treated with Amoxcycillin, of course he couldn’t tell the doctor whether he was allergic to Penicillin, that was his first course of antibiotics, ever. Back down, I didn’t home-school him, and he was allowed to watch TV, he’s had all of his routine immunisations, and the optional extra Meningitis one. (That the doctor didn’t know whether he’d had, but I did, because I knew which year it started being offered as a routine school-age immunisation.) 

The kid implicitly trusts ‘modern’ medicine. Most people, who don’t run around in tinfoil hats, calling consumer conspiracy on everything, trust modern medicine. That’s what I’m wrestling with this morning. (Not literally, I’ve pushed the patient information leaflet to the side of my pack of antihistamines, so I don’t get frustrated about opening the box at the ‘wrong’ end. Apparently they’re set that way for right-handed people, and you can avoid opening the ‘wrong’ end of the pack by feeling for the braille, I don’t know.) What I’m over-processing is the “Antidepressants work!” news stories. There’s no reason at all for me to over-process it, the first line in one of them was something along the theme of “Antidepressants work for patients with a diagnosis of depression.” Case closed, I don’t have ‘depression’, my current ‘unfit for work’ certificate states “Stress related problem, previous SAH.” (I’ve abbreviated ‘Subarachnoid Haemorrhage’, because my GP spelled it wrong, I don’t suppose he’s written it as many times as I have in the last 3 years.) 

What I’m pre-planning butting heads against is that DWP, PIP, and ATOS are highly likely to point out that I’m not ‘on’ anti-depressants. That’s fine, they can do that, there is no diagnosis of depression anywhere in my last 3 years of medical notes, I can point to the page where the Workplace Well-being doctor has reported “Gives a clear account of herself, and, to her credit, is not depressed.” (If they’re referencing the ‘Depression?’ on my admission notes following the haemorrhage, I’ll politely point out that what the ex actually said to the medics was “I think she’s got depression, but I don’t know if she’s on anything.” I tore into him about that, when I was in my angry/confrontational stage, and he was in his confused/traumatised stage. Unkind.) 

It’s great that antidepressants work for some people, I wish those people all the goodwill in the world, dragging oneself through the mire of poor mental health is draining, if there’s a chemical lift that helps, use it. What I’m mindful of is that the medics have never found a dosage of this-or-that that worked for me. I have episodes of low mood, sometimes very low mood, but they pass. I make them pass, because I cannot exist in that state, in that state, I’m barely functional, forcing myself to ‘go through the motions’, it’s soul-sucking. There are lots of days when I just-don’t-want-to, I know my own pattern, and, although I’ll allow myself the odd ‘off’ day, three-in-a-row is my trigger-point. I had three-in-a-row a couple of weekends back, so presented to the GP, because ‘failure to seek or follow medical advice’ is also a flag-of-concern in me. If he’d prescribed, I would have taken the pills, I had the proof of low-income entitlement to free prescriptions in my bag, just in case. 

He knows me, he’s been my GP since I was about 14, as much as I’m just one more in a sea of faces to him, he actually remembered that they’ve tried me on pretty much every SSRI and antidepressant, with very limited effect. A bit like the dodgy Johann Hari, I ‘revert to baseline’ within months on any antidepressant, and they either have to increase the dosage, or, once they hit the median lethal dosage bar, switch me to another variant. Antidepressants don’t work on ‘me’, because, for the majority of the time, it’s not depression. (Yes, there’s the resistance-in-me to being in that foggy-vague don’t-care state, but, if he’d prescribed, I would have taken them, and tried to monitor myself closely, through the “I can’t feel my leg, but it will probably be fine in an hour or so.” episodes, that are scary enough when you ARE fully lucid. The third, inoperable aneurysm is sitting in an area of brain governing the majority of my motor function, as well as the blood supply to my retinas being impacted upon my the surgery to the second aneurysm, sucks to be me.)

‘On paper’, I probably ‘should’ be depressed. That being the assumed-case, a year on antidepressants ‘should’, theoretically, stabilise me, maybe they’ll throw in a bit of CBT, to make me magically forget that, on top of everything else, I nearly died, and now have brain injuries? Yeah, I’m pulling my socks up, and person-ing up, but I do still have lumps of metal where there used to be functional brain cells, that’s not going to go away, or ‘get better.’

At some point, I don’t know when, I’ll be called in for a DWP ‘work capability assessment.’ I’m not looking forward to that one bit, and I expect that the same person who ticks the box to say I can lift an empty box will also query why I’m not on antidepressants. I need to not be a smart-arse at that point, and question how they’re a qualified doctor AND a manual handling of loads assessor. I also need to remember to state verbally, and ensure it is recorded, every time an action or activity causes me distress or discomfort. I’m going to end up losing my voice. Have that, CBT practitioners, one of my ‘behaviours’ is not-disclosing discomfort or distress, so I don’t upset other people.

I’m rambling. I’m awaiting my PIP tribunal date, where I will likely be asked why I’m not on antidepressants. I’m awaiting my DWP ‘work capability assessment’, again, I’m likely to be told, by a box-ticker that I’d be ‘all better’ with a dose of Prozac. (Prozac brand-name now expired, it’s generic fluoxetine, and my last experience of it had me on 60mg/day, with little impact, they can’t put me on a higher dose than that, due to my BMI.) I’m also waiting on an appointment with Neuro-psychology, I have tried very hard to self-manage the brain injuries, but the cognitive fatigue and disturbed sleep still persist, there’s an ironic chuckle, there, because a lot of the side-effects of my brain injuries are also consistent with depressive traits. I know the difference in me, and ‘trying’ me on antidepressants would be similar to bashing a ganglion with the family bible, just a distraction technique, and a fairly dangerous one, at that.

What I’m wary of is the powers-that-be taking the headlines and research about the efficacy of antidepressants as a one-size-fits-all silver bullet against all-that-ails-everyone. Antidepressants have limited effectiveness on me, I have no diagnosis of depression, they’d be as well giving me sugar-tablets, or something to prevent testicular inflammation. If I had a diagnosis of depression, I would have given up on the systems-and-processes already, as a demonstrable number of people have, some permanently. Not-all-antidepressants are suitable for ‘all’ people, I had to advise my own GP that one variant he was ‘trying’ me on, nearly 10 years ago, was linked to suicidal and self-harming ideation. That’s specific to me, I’m a historical self-harmer, standard ‘not all’ disclaimer here. There are myriad noted side-effects with antidepressants, I’ll throw in ‘weight gain’ as an example, even if there’s no underlying eating disorder, whacking on 3st in 2 years, like I did is hardly a confidence-boost for a person who is already experiencing low mood. The side-effects are probably under-reported, between the depressive state of there being no point, and the cloudy sheep-sleep of ‘it does not matter’, some people just won’t report. Throw in the dismissive “It could be worse!” lines some doctors are still fond of when people who do report are sent away as neurotic, and the reporting is further compromised.

Antidepressants DO work, very effectively for some people, and I’m genuinely pleased that a bit of a chemical crutch helps them to live, rather than just existing. My concern is that these articles will be taken out of context, and that the flavour-of-the-month SSRI will be seen as a magic wand. (No, head, ‘they’ are not going to fortify the tap-water with fluoxetine, to make us all immune to depression, that’s silly.) Mental health services are stretched way beyond capacity, and ‘modern life is rubbish’, the fabled increase to MH services is a nonsense, it’s superficial, the new intake of ‘Improving Access to Psychological Therapies’ practitioners will probably start going off sick themselves very soon. (I have a friend who’s VERY disturbed, recently allocated for talking therapy with a girl just out of college, that would have been potentially harmful for both of them, so he discontinued. The intervention has probably been recorded as completed and successful.)  Antidepressants are very effective for some people, but, in others, they’re a sticking plaster over an arterial wound, I’m worried that some people, who really do need more than a pat on the head, and some ‘magic medicine’ are going to be very badly treated. If there’s a perception that  Prozac is panacea, some people will be very badly harmed by it.

If the drugs work for you, that’s great, I’m not here to demonise them. There is nothing wrong with taking the right medication for the right condition, nothing at all. My worry is that it becomes a blanket-catch-all, a first-resort, and that some people will slip through the net, disappear off radar, and not have different, underlying conditions, that depressive symptoms coincide with addressed.