#other than those times it randomly just hides on the side of my eyeball for a couple hours before reemerging
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thesparks · 5 months ago
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I lost my contact this morning when I first got up and couldn't feel it in my eye so I just pulled the other one out and put my glasses on. Just resigned to it being gone I went about my morning.
Two hours later: I found my contact! It jumped ship from my eyeball at some point in the night and folded itself into a little triangle that got stuck to my shoulder. That I only found cuz it came unstuck while I was stretching and it rolled down my spine and I almost screamed cuz I thought it was a bug
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polygamyff · 5 years ago
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22.
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I do not miss this place at all, I thought I would but I don’t. I just see how wack it is and how I was trapped in a city where I hated myself, it brings bad memories for me. I was so depressed but now I’m not, I have so much to live for “it’s wack in Texas don’t you think?” Nodding my head “it is, shit just gives me bad vibes but it’s been so long and you know I have to see mom before she storms her ass to us” shutting the SUV car door, it seems so quiet here now. Usually it’s filled with cars, Malik is here and also Nalah but because of me they are moving out and doing things because under my dad he didn’t want them doing shit “I was laughing” looking down at the side of me, we had to bring Khaleesi with us because there is nobody to look after her. Robyn is busy at work “at work Malik?” Looking behind me “you, you be cussing the dog out and it makes me laugh” entering the pin at the side of the door to unlock it “you think anyone is home? It seems very quiet unless mom is just in bed” dragging open the door, Khaleesi randomly barked. She must sense other dogs because my mom’ chihuahua’s are around “she growing fast don’t you think?” Malik said behind me “she is, she’s not much of a fighter though. She be getting on my nerves with the attention she wants, it’s like having Robyn but with me” Malik snorted out laughing, my dog went running inside “mom?” Walking into the room, hearing the scuffle and then those annoying ass barks from those chihuahua’s, Khaleesi soon ran back to me “holy shit, they scary” I will kick them, leaning down and picking up my dog “fuck off!! Bitch ass niggas, move out my motherfucking way!” I shouted, they just both barking and then growled at me “what is this commotion? Is that my baby boys?” My mom came from around the corner.
My mom got rid of her little bitches, she care back downstairs “come here, give mom some loving” my mom and this hugging business, I ain’t know she miss us like this at all. Leaning forward so my mom could hug me, she kissed my cheek “is this dog for me?” She asked “nah it’s Ro- I mean mine. She’s mine” I must remember it’s mine, not Robyn “she is a cutie. Malik when are you coming back home to mommy. I miss you so much, it’s so quiet in the home” Malik hugged my mom so tight, his smile as he hugged her was sweet. He missed her even though she don’t be doing shit but be annoying “I’m happy with Malik mom, I ain’t touched no drugs mom. Maurice has weed but don’t even touch that!” Why he snitching and telling her that “Maurice, that stuff ain’t good. Hope you both staying” walking behind my mom into the living area, it makes me sad because I would love to bring my daughter here. To have her have Christmas here, I know my mom would love a grandchild and I know she would go all out for her but I don’t trust him or her because she listens to my dad. It won’t happen, sitting down and placing Khaleesi at the side of me.
Robyn is soon to be seven months soon, it’s coming by so fast “so what you both been up too? Especially you Malik” my mom pointed at him “well we got a home there” I spoke on behalf of him “he’s a real good help you know with everything I am trying to do and build, I have got an assistant. Dad shocked me, the guy is so good. He’s new, he’s been with me for a months and I don’t be chasing him about shit, straight away he’s on it so that is good. I’m just trying to open something called Davenport program and it’s me giving back to kids and people in need of progressing I’ve been working alongside some people, the more hotels I open the more I can do this. Kids that want to do business degrees I can help them and even get them working for us in the offices or alongside me. So I’m doing that” my mom looks shocked “what changed you, all heart there. Wow. That sounds great Maurice, something your dad would never do, it’s nice to hear you want to do such things. Make a better name for yourself, I know you can. Proud of you, you come up with great ideas to better yourself” if only my mom knew this is Robyn, she opens my eyes to these kind of things, this is all down to her.
My mom wants my brother and I to stay to eat so I guess we will, the dog fell asleep on my lap “you know when you said you got me a dog that’s going to protect, look at her” I pointed down “she’s a baby nigga, leave her. But then again think about it, the love she will have for you she will protect you at all costs, nobody will come near you” he’s got a point “wonder where dad is, has he told you anything?” He’s not here and that’s for sure “I don’t know, he speaks more to you than me” my mom walked back into the living room “I feel so lonely now you all have gone, I just feel so sad” it must be lonely in this big ass home “where is dad?” He’s always here when I am “he’s been away on business for a while” pulling a face “what kind of business?” Let me see if I can get anything out of my mom “to Monaco, your dad feels a little left outside he feels like you are doing things without him so he’s got a bit of a face on with you. He’s hearing things but not from you, you said you got a new home but how was that paid for?” I did say that like an idiot “erm, my money. Look mom, can you please just keep that to yourself” he will drive me crazy “it’s like you’re slowly clawing your way away from the family buiness but using the name” licking my top lip, my phone started to ring “it’s not like that, I am making it better” seeing Robyn calling me “hello” I have to answer “Maurice, I’ve decided to start my leave. I feel like shit at work, they made me so tired. I felt like I was going to faint, I just left. My head is pounding, I’m in bed” frowning mad hard “they working you too hard, I did say that. I’m glad you’re on leave, I’m just with my mom” I said “oh, I already want you back. Ok, I will let you spend time with her, come back soon. Please” she sounds so cute “I will, I’ll be back tomorrow” my mom is staring at my face “I guess, love you” clearing my throat “you too” disconnecting the call, that was so awkward “everything ok?” She asked, nodding my head looking over at Malik.
I don’t like my mom feeling sad or lonely, I thought I would stay but my dad has come back now, he’s not in a good mood and I feel like a child all over again. Just because nobody is speaking because nobody wants to piss him off but I don’t care “so why are you angry?” He’s made me feel awkward and I am put off my food now, placing my fork down “you know when you give your child the world and he does things behind your back, what do you think?” My dad eyeballed me “did I do anything bad? Because I am developing and making shit better!? You a fool dad, honestly you really push us kids away this is why you lonely, this is why mom is lonely, it’s you!” I don’t care what he is feeling he is working my nerve “we run because of you” my dad looks very hurt, I am the only one that can do that “but yes you come back to my house and yet you took the money I gave you, I have given you everything at a young age, I had to wait until my dad died! And you sitting here telling me we run, you ungrateful bastard! I see what you’re doing, changing names on things, making sure I have no say in changes. Is that what it is!? Because son, you have a storm to come if you are disobeying rules! This fucking house, this family has rules. And if you think about changing the fact we have a money pot I will kill you myself! You don’t do shit behind my back Maurice and think I won’t know. I taught you everything, you will never be one step ahead of me” I swallowed hard “Marquis, baby. Please stop with the arguments. Maurice is trying to better us, you see his hard work. Don’t look at him like that” my mom said, staring at him back. My dad loves control, he can’t control me in the way he wants “you have business in New York, you go there and deal with it” he said ever so calm.
Silence loomed over us all, eating in silence. This is something that happens a lot, whenever my dad didn’t get his way “get up, we need to talk” my dad walked by me, his old ass can walk. I am sure he needed a stick at times but he angry right now “I’ll be back” getting up from the chair “be nice please, the both of you” walking behind my dad “he too old for that mom, come on” I will kick his knee if he tried anything like that, I ain’t scared to do that shit to him either. Following him outside the back yard “in case you wanted to smoke” why he acting like I just want smoke in the house “it’s fine, I was enjoying mom’ cooking there” which is true, it’s been so long “so the real estate, I’ll handle that. It’s easier for me” now that is something I don’t want him to deal with “dad, it’s fine. I can deal with the real estate. I am sorry ok, in California I just be coming with ideas and I do it. There is so many opportunities out there, I am sorry. I didn’t want to hide nothing from you” I need to be nice, if I am being an ass he will want to do something that I will hate “we work together Maurice, you know that. There is a lot of money to come out of the Davenport money, I asked your lawyer and he said private. Financial advisor wouldn’t tell me anything, you can’t lock me out of my accounts. Well our accounts, I fired him now so we need a new financial advisor. From now on Maurice you keep coming back to me in Texas every week, at least once ok? We need to have these meetings so I can know what we are doing because remember, it’s not Maurice Davenport and his business, it’s actually a family business but rules are rules son, the first born son has it” his stupid rules “what if one simply does not have a son? Then what?” I am intrigued to know “then your brother next, if it gets that desperate then your sister if she has a boy” pulling a face “but it’s my business, I can change the rules?” I am right on this “I am still alive son, you have some hotels. I haven’t passed it fully to you have I?” he’s an asshole, he hasn’t done that.
My dad loves to keep me in his clutches, I swear that guy does my head in but he is my dad so I want to keep him close on things “so if I come home to you in Texas every once a week you will stop being an asshole to mom?” my dad looked over at me “what makes you think I am being that to your mom?” I chuckled “I know, I saw a lot with you. I don’t want to know my mom is feeling lonely, be home more. I am not no little kid anymore, I won’t have my mom being sad got it?” I am not threatening him but lowkey I am in a way “sure, so about Malik. He’s not doing much is he?” I knew he would start on my brother “he’s working for me, he is fine with me. So is Nalah, what else you want? You got me in your clutch so leave them alone, leave them be. I can handle them” which I can, they are happy and I like it “you really are like me, taking care of things. I could make Malik a very good offer, I know this guy. He owns part of Viacom, his daughter” I put my hand up to stop him but my dad laughed “you ain’t funny, leave him alone” walking off and back into the house, he is so stupid and thinks I will let that happen.
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what-even-is-thiss · 7 years ago
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Sanders Sides Avatar AU Part 9
This is part of a multi chapter fic in an AU where Thomas is the avatar in an atla type universe. Refer to the intro and chapter list post for more details.
No warnings I can think of. Let me know if some are needed. 2,469 words.
Tip Jar
Intro and Chapter List
At the base of the mountain of the northern air temple was a small town creatively named Base Camp that acted as a tourist destination and a connection to the outside world for airbenders. Even in the two hundred years since the end of the great war the air nomad population was dangerously low. The airbenders all tended to stick together and move between the four air temples and air temple island in Republic City. Sometimes the community spread out, but never permanently. Some left for a while in pursuit of other careers or college but for the most part they returned to the community at one point or another.
The group parked the truck in Base Camp’s singular parking lot and argued about who to send. Patton seemed a logical choice, as Logan pointed out, however he lacked the determination to demand to see Thomas’ former teacher. So did Virgil. They decided on a compromise. Logan goes, but the others watch from the sidelines wearing a duplicate outfit so one of them can switch out if need be.
“That is one of the worst plans I have ever heard you come up with. And that includes your plan to sneak our dinner into the movies when you were in late secondary school.” Joan said.
“Yes, but it did work.” Logan pointed out.
“Weren’t you supposed to be the voice of reason around here or something?” Joan asked.
“I’m just stating facts.” Logan said, jumping out of the truck.
Joan, followed by a confused Talyn, jumped out of the truck too. They trusted that the other three would be able to follow through the trees and avoid security cameras. Niddy was being kept with Virgil because the dragon had been really clingy since he’d gone missing so they didn’t want him to randomly run off and give away any secrets.
The town had signs advertising air temple tours, careers as air acolytes, and cheap trinkets and fruit pies, but they were also accompanied a number of closed signs.
“This place is normally full of people.” Logan said. “This is highly unusual. It’s different.”
“Different scares you, doesn’t it?” Talyn asked. “This place sure creeps me out.”
“Fear of difference is illogical, so I personally am not afraid of it.” Logan said. “I can see how it would disturb you, though.”
“What does earthbending have to do with logic?” Joan asked. “Or this freaky abandoned tourist trap? It’s cold.”
“Wait, didn’t we tell you? We aren’t necessarily…”
“Thomas!” came a little voice. “Thomas is back!”
There was a group of about twenty small children under the age of nine being herded out of a shop by an air acolyte, judging by the orange robes. All of the children were wearing orange training uniforms, children’s play robes, or t-shirts and jeans with various tv and radio show logos on their backpacks.
One of the older children came running over quickly with a burst of air behind them. A little airbender. Talyn gasped at the realization all of these children must be airbenders. They had never met one before. Unless you count Patton, which doesn’t really work.
“I’ll bet you don’t remember me.” the little girl said sticking her tounge out.
“Jewel.” Logan said. “You got taller, but no less immature.”
“I am too mature!” Jewel said, blowing one of her many curly ponytails out of her face. “And I should be UP ON THE MOUNTAIN!”
She threw those last words behind her at the tired looking air acolyte who was holding a baby in his arms while a two year old clung to his leg.
“It’s not safe anymore.” the acolyte said like he’d said it a thousand times already.
“Aran, what’s going on?” Logan asked.
“It’s complicated. For right now though, I need to get these kids to town hall. They got to look at the shops. Come on, guys.”
Aran herded the children in a general direction. A four year old briefly broke away from the crowd and very importantly took something out of his inner coat pocket. It was an orange knitted hat with an airbending logo on it.
“I stole it from a shop.” they said very importantly. “But I want you to have it. Shhhhh. Don’t tell teacher.”
Then they ran back into the crowd just in time for Aran to count them.
“What just happened?” asked Talyn.
“I think I was given a stolen gift.” Logan said. “Do either of you want it?”
“But it’s stolen.” Said Talyn.
“I don’t care.” said Joan, putting it on.
“Neither do I.” said Logan.
Aran came back a minute later and noticed the hat Joan was wearing.
“Did Jess give you that?” he said.
“Yes they did.” Logan confirmed.
“They say they ‘steal’ everything, but really they just take the complementary things we give to guests and claim they stole it when they hand them out. You can keep that.”
“Cool.” said Joan. “Because it’s getting sort of cold.”
“We have coats.” Talyn reminded them.
“Yeah, but I didn’t feel like wearing one.”
“In any case,” Logan said, sounding very strict, “I would like permission to speak to master Xiong. Is he here?”
“He’s at the temple, but I’m not sure. We’re kind of in an emergency situation.”
What would Thomas do here? Let’s see. Old acquaintance, trouble brewing, desperate situation, adorable children screaming in the distance. He would be a bit anxious but happy to see his friend. Most likely using his “sunshine shtick” as his friends called it.
“C’mon, buddy. Whatever it is, I can do my best to help. And I really need some help. Please?” Logan said.
“Well, maybe I can get you a ride up. I’ll call.”
He made his way inside an abandoned shop and found a phone. Logan heard a “pssst” from behind a building.
“Hey flaw in the logic, switch out with Patton.” Roman scream-whispered from his hiding spot.
Logan went over. “Why would I do that?”
“Because what if you need to airbend?” came a voice from above.
Patton was sitting on top of a building holding a staff.
“And look! I finally found where we hid the glider!” Patton squealed in excitement.
“What? We lost that four years ago. Where was it?” Logan said.
“Inside a tree!” Patton said happily floating down.
He opened the glider. Unlike most gliders which were airbender orange, this one was earth kingdom green and beige and had “Thomas” written in very small print in the bottom corner of the left wing.
“We never even used it that much.” Logan insisted.
“Just switch out with him.” Said Virgil from behind a trash bin. “Aran could be back any second now.”
“Fine.” Logan grumbled.
Patton jumped down from the roof and Logan joined Virgil behind the trash bin, keeping track of where they were by feeling the vibrations in the ground through his hands.
“Okay, Xiong is happy to see you. And… is that your glider?” Aran said, walking back.
“Uh, yup.” Patton said awkwardly. “I just found it!”
“You lost it like…”
“Four years ago?” asked Joan, eyeballing Patton suspiciously.
“Probably.” Said Patton.
“Right, well Xiong is coming to get you himself in a few minutes. He’ll fly you up and explain on the way. I need to get back to the kids. They need as much help as they can get over there.” Aron said.
“Do you really trust Xiong this much?” Talyn said, remembering that morning’s discussion.
“Yes.” Patton said, strangely serious. “I do, one hundred and like, twelve percent.”
They sat on a bench and waited for a bison to fall out of the sky.
“So there’s something Logan said that’s been bugging me.” Joan said.
“What?” Logan asked from behind a nearby wall.
“Oh, right. You’re listening. Well, you were saying something about logic? Actually, you do seem to act weirdly logical for an earthbender. I don’t remember what exactly you said, but you know what I mean.”
“We’re imaginary.” Patton proclaimed.
“What?” asked Talyn, who had been spacing out and just came back to reality.
“Well we’re not imaginary right now.” grumbled Virgil.
“What?” asked Joan.
“This is way more complicated than necessary.” said Logan. “Remember that thing you told Thomas you do to calm yourself down? That kind of advanced talking to yourself?”
“Yeah?” said Joan.
“That’s it.” said Logan.
“What’s it? Who’s talking?”
Apparently a bison had descended from the sky without them noticing while they had been talking. And it had been carrying a middle aged man of medium height with straight black hair and acne scars all over his tan face.
“Master Xiong!” Patton exclaimed, bowing in respect.
“Thomas.” Xiong said, bowing back. “Am I hearing things?”
“No, these are my friends Joan and Talyn.”
Joan and Talyn clumsily bowed in respect.
“And this is the rest of me.” Patton said, gesturing towards the wall.
Logan walked out, followed by Roman dragging Vigil. You could tell it was Virgil by the sleep deprivation under his eyes.
“What?” Xiong said.
“It’s a very long story.” Roman said. “Full of adventure. Maybe we can explain on the way up, and you can explain whatever trouble you are in.”
Xiong looked at the other two young people standing there.
“Don’t worry. It really is him and you get used to the yelling.” Joan said.
On the ride up in the flying bison, Niddy flew alongside them and occasionally jumped back on to make sure all of Thomas was watching him. They all took turns explaining how Thomas had ended up split apart, as well as adding in why the pieces knew why they were when they split.
“It’s a therapy technique or something I dunno.” Virgil said.
“That spirit that attacked you sounds exactly like the spirit that attacked our temple, and the fire sages.” Xiong said.
“The fire sages?” asked Talyn. “Those people that guard the avatar temple in the fire nation?”
“Yes. And the spirit destroyed all the statues of firebending avatars they had. It destroyed our sanctuary as well. It was heading north, last time we saw it.” Xiong said, shaking his head. “And if you stay split up, what does that mean for the world?”
“We don’t know. That’s the problem.” Virgil said. “It would change everything, and everything does not have to be changed.”
“Are you really a waterbender? Really?” Roman asked.
“Why don’t I drown you and we’ll find out?” Virgil said.
“That doesn’t even make any sense.” Roman scoffed. “I’m happy to have you back, but your threats have not improved at all.”
“Anyways, I’m guessing you do not want the other airbenders to see you.” Xiong said.
“That would be ideal.” Logan said.
“I can take you to the bison stables and you can make your way to what is left of the sanctuary there if you want to contact Avatar Wang or any of the other avatars that have lived here, but I’ll admit I am sceptical.” Xiong said.
Patton beamed. “I believe in us, so much, and thank you so much for helping us. I can’t…”
“Do not, do not start crying again.” Logan begged.
Logan, Patton, and Virgil lay flat against the saddle as they flew over the temple and then stood up again as they landed near the bison. Talyn took the opportunity to throw up in a trash can from air sickness.
“Are you dying?” Virgil asked.
“They have air sickness.” Logan said.
“Yeah, I’d better take care of them. You go ahead.” Joan said.
Niddy went to comfort Talyn at Patton’s instruction. Xiong said he’d take care of them and that he’d tell the other airbenders not to go near the remains of the temple until they were done.
They walked through the familiar passageways Thomas hadn’t been in for four years. Virgil held the hooded black jacket they had bought in Ba Sing Se and not needed until now. Logan was wearing a more Thomas-esque brown jacket. Patton and Roman wereable to keep themselves warm with breathing. Virgil found this stunningly unfair. It was way too cold up here and autumn was approaching fast.
“You’re not going to find what you’re looking for, waterbender.” came the voice of fear.
“Yeah, whatever.” Virgil whispered.
“Did you say something, Verge?” Logan asked.
“No. Just trying to calm down.” he answered.
As they walked past the murals and tile formations, more and more chunks of the wall were missing. As they turned a corner, Patton and Virgil found themselves subconsciously grabbing each other’s hands as they saw the door.
The huge metal and wooden door that had led to the sanctuary was twisted and splintered beyond recognition. The pipes that held the door shut and would only yield to airbending were now bent. When they walked inside the damage was even more discouraging. There was a huge hole in the wall and the murals and statues of previous airbending avatars had been broken.
“What did we do?” Patton asked.
“Nothing.” Roman said. “Nothing at all.”
“You know that’s not true.” Virgil said. “We shouldn’t even be here.”
Roman took his other hand. Virgil didn’t push him away for once.
Meditating as a group turned out to be a bit awkward, especially since Thomas didn’t usually meditate at all, but they managed to sit in a circle and get their breathing in time. None of them really wanted to be doing this, so it took a long time. A really long time.
When Thomas finally opened his eyes, the sun had gone down and the moon was shining through the huge gaping hole in the wall. When he started it had been early morning. He expected to see someone, and he almost did. A person seemed to flicker in and out of view, but then they vanished.
“You’re not going to find what you’re looking for, Avatar.” came a voice.
“What?” Thomas asked, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.
“You’re looking in the wrong place, and as far as you know you always will be.” it said.
“Fear, I’m sorry.” he said.
“I know you are. We all know.”
“No, please!” He cried.
“No!” Roman screamed.
He stood up and screamed in rage, red hot fire spewing out of his mouth. He kicked a stone and hurt his foot on it, falling over.
Virgil was pulling the hood over his eyes. He was shaking. Patton ran forward and tried to calm Roman down. Cracks were appearing in the ground under Logan’s feet as he stood up.
“Was that your fault, waterbender?” came the voice in Virgil’s head.
“Shut. Up.” Virgil said through gritted teeth.
The other three looked back.
“It’s still talking to you, isn’t it?” Roman asked.
“No kidding.” Virgil said, not knowing if he was violently shaking from the cold or something else.
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iswearitoneverything · 7 years ago
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Reunited And It Feels So Good | Jake x MC
This request goes out to @endless-jake. Who would like to see Jake and MC reunited after the ending of book 2. So here it goes! EDIT BEFORE POSTING: I feel this is not what was to be expected, lol, but I hope it is enjoyed all the same.
Warnings: some feels of some kind or another, fluff I am sure, some violence but I will try to keep it mild.
Plot: Okay, so the plot for this request is going to run along the lines of Jake’s idol scene, only during all that technical stuff that Zahra did, she also caused a power surge and thus caused those pods that the hotel guest (And our MC) was in to open and free them from their slumber. This will give MC the opportunity to save herself before Jake gets the chance to. But eventually they will be reunited. :) So this will tie into what @endless-jake is asking. : D Hope that’s alright?
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The sound of your bare feet slapping against the tile floors was loud enough to wake the dead, or so you believed. Hopefully, this would not draw any unwanted attention. You did not run into anyone as you ran, which you thought was honestly quite strange, but getting out of this place was your main concern. How you had even managed to escape your pod, you did not really know, nor did you care at this point. After you woke up you found all the pods, that once held the hotel guests, completely empty, every single one of them. You were completely alone. You grabbed some clothing that you had found and threw them on, and that was when you ran. And you were still running, turning corner after corner trying your best to remember the way out of the facility. You finally come to a stop, only because there was no way to continue further. The way was blocked by the ceiling and walls having caved in on each other. But from the looks of it, this cave in happened a long time ago. You stood there staring at the blocked hall, wondering just how long you were in that pod…
Finally you are in the open air, breathing it in, letting it fill your lungs that felt deprived of its freshness for so long. You had made it to the edge of the frozen forest, where you had the run in with the Guardian before. Your feet were still bare as you stumbled through the snow, which was becoming increasingly difficult with each step. It felt like you didnt even have feet anymore and you cursed yourself for not having taken the time to look for some shoes. As you continued to trudge through the ankle deep snow, you hugged your arms across your chest to keep yourself warm and almost did not notice the scene you were coming up on. Perhaps it was the fact that it felt like your eyeballs were beginning to freeze, or maybe you simply ignored the fact you were walking passed giant spots of blood upon the snow. It wasnt until you heard the sound of a gunshot that you snapped out it, finally taking notice of the scene before you.
You were surrounded by bodies, all lying in the snow. Stopping in your tracks you lowered your arms and looked around, examining each body as it lay crumpled upon the now crimson stained snow. From what you could tell, each and every person had been shot, whether it was in the back, chest or even right between the eyes. You could feel panic begin to grow inside you, your eyes darting from victim to victim and you realize now that these were the missing hotel guests. Clearly they too had escaped from their pods, but only to meet this horrific death. Hearing the sound of crunching snow underfoot, along with the reloading of a pistol, caused your frozen feet to move you behind a thick tree. You were sucking in ragged breaths that you knew were not the least bit quiet as you pressed yourself back against the tree. Still all around you the ground was strewn with bodies and that’s when the sound of the crunching snow began to grow louder; closer.
“There’s no use hiding. Didn’t do them any good.”
You recognized that voice, it was Lundgren. Carefully you peered around the tree, catching sight of him a few yards away, non-chalantly sliding bullets into his weapon as he walked around, his eyes searching the area. Every once in awhile he would nudge one of the bodies with his foot as he passed. BANG! You jumped, clinging to the tree for support, your heart beat quickening. BANG! BANG! This was clearly a tactic to flush you out of hiding, but you pressed yourself more against the tree, leaning your head back and closed your eyes. If Lundgren had killed all these innocent hotel guests, there was no telling what he has done to your friends. What he had done to Jake… BANG! The gunshot rang to your left and your eyes snapped open, your hand shooting up to cover your mouth to contain your shriek. This sudden movement allowed Lundgren to catch sight of you and a wicked grin formed on his lips as he began heading your way.
“Ah, it’s you. I was hoping to catch you soon, Rourke specifically wanted you dead.”
As he approached with his gun raised, you quickly got to your feet and stumbled out of the way as he pulled the trigger, the shot hitting the tree you had been leaning against. He cursed and you scrambled to your feet and kept dodging behind tree after tree, eventually coming to a rocky ravine. Lundgren cursed louder, his voice bouncing off the rocks toward you as you stood between two large boulders, a large limb in your hands at the ready.
“I see Wolf has taught you a few tricks about stealth. That will only work for so long, I’ve got a few tricks of my own.”
He knew better than to fire a shot randomly while in this ravine, there was too much chance of a ricochet. You stood hidden, shivering from the cold, almost sure that your rugged gasps for breath were going to reveal your location. You looked by your feet and saw a large broken limb lying there, it was thick enough to do some damage. You picked it up and held it like a bat as you listened carefully to his movements. His footsteps seemed closer, finally when you saw the hand holding his pistol come into view, you waited until his head came into view and the moment it did you brought the thick tree limb you had been holding, crashing down upon it. The impact cause the limb to snap in two with a deafening crack and the moment Lundgren fell to his knees and dropped his gun, you lunged for it.
You felt a sharp pain in your fore arm as you reached for the gun and looked down to see a long knife had gone almost straight thru it, Lundgren’s hand was on the hilt. You let out a shriek and fell backwards, your other hand holding your arm just above where the knife was. Lundgren pushed himself to his feet, blood trickling down the side of his head from where you hit him. He then reached for the knife in your arm and pulled it out roughly, causing you to let out a loud scream. He then brought the knife up over his head with both hands on the hilt as he towered over you.
“I’ll give you that one, it was a solid effort. But clearly not enough.”
He reared back a bit and as he was about to bring the knife down upon you, you noticed he was not wearing that exo-suit that he had been before. He was more vulnerable. You then remembered that you had basically fried him and it, clearly he had survived. Your mind raced on how to defend yourself, what had Jake and Estela taught you that day on the beach? Without wasting another second, you kicked his legs out from under him, rolling out of the way as he fell forward to where you had once been lying. The pain in your arm intensified after you had rolled out of the way, and thus your retreat was slowed. Lundgren growled in anger, the knife lodging inbetween two rocks and the blade snapped from its hilt from the pressure of his fall. His other hand shot out and grabbed a handful if your hair and yanked you back to the ground, his hands went to your throat and wrapped around it. He glared down at you as he squeezed harder and harder, crushing your windpipe. You clawed at his hands, gasping for breath as everything began to fade.
“For once, McKenzie isnt here to save you.”
His grip tightened and now you were no longer able to even gasp, everything was going black. This was it, this was how you were going to die. Of all the life endangering moments you have had on this island, you were going to die this way. Just as you closed your eyes, prepared for your life to leave you, you heard hurried footsteps coming toward you. You opened your eyes in time to see something tackle Lundgren hard, knocking him off of you and your hands went to your throat as you coughed and gasped air back into your lungs. You managed to roll onto your side and saw Lundgren fighting to get free of…you heard the familiar clinking of the dog tags and your eyes focused on the green jacket.
“Jake…”
You croaked as you watched him unleash punch after punch to Lundgren’s face. Never wavering nor slowing his pace or showing signs of mercy. You pushed yourself to a sitting position, still with your hand clasped around your throat, taking in as many painful breaths as you could to make up for those you had been denied moments ago. Your eyes widened as Lundgren managed to kick Jake off, sending him flying backwards into the snow. He then unleashed his own assault, landing a swift kick in Jake’s stomach. Jake crouched there, an arm wrapped around his stomach as he coughed and groaned and you watched as Lundgren then came marching over to you. You began to scramble backwards expecting his hands to be on your throat again, but he passed you, coming to where the knife had been, he grabbed the blade, uncaring of the fact it was slicing into his own hand from his grip.
He then went back over to Jake, who had pushed himself to his feet and blocked Lundgren’s arm as he brought it down with the blade. Jake punched him hard in the stomach and continued to block every attempt his assailant made. A thought crossed your mind and you began to crawl over to the ravine where you knew Lundgren’s pistol was waiting. Finally summoning enough energy to get to your feet you searched along the ground until you finally found it. You quickly picked it up and turned to see Lundgren clocking Jake across the face with his fist, also sending a gash across his cheek with the blade. Jake was defenseless except for when it came to his own brute strength and fighting skills. You moved closer with the gun, but knew that with your lacking marksman skills it was a risk of shooting Jake instead.
Helpless, you watched the two grapple, Jake finally managing to knock the blade from Lundgren’s hand, but this freed him up for a sucker punch to Jake’s jaw with his other hand. Jake was hurled backwards, against a tree and then he fell to his knees where Lundgren reared back with his foot, kicking Jake hard in the chest, you were sure you heard a few ribs crack. Lundgren grabbed a fist full of Jake’s hair, pulling him up to his feet and slammed him against the tree, pinning him there. He had managed to grab the blade and while he had Jake’s hair in his hand, he yanked it back so that his neck was more fully exposed. He then pressed the blade against his throat.
“You never learn, do you boy?”
Jake let out a breathy laugh, one that you could hear was painful for him to do. Even in the face of death, your Top Gun was still smirking.
“MC has that effect on me. If it means I’d have to die for her over and over again…then let me die an idiot.”
Lundgren scoffed, about to slice Jake’s throat when a gunshot rang through the air. He stopped, his body tense as he then looked down at the blood beginning to pour from a hole in his chest. He reluctantly dropped the knife and turned to look at you as you stood behind him pointing his own gun at him. He glared at you, not before slamming Jake's head against the tree, causing him to fall to his knees with a grunt. Then Lundgren began toward you, but he stopped when Jake had launched himself at his knees, trying to bring him to the ground. Somehow he got out of it, stomping on Jake’s thigh where you had just noticed had a bullet hole through it. Jake yelled in pain and fell back down, his hands clutching his thigh. You continued to point the gun at Lundgren as he came at you. BANG! Another bullet in his chest, which slowed him down a bit but he was still coming at you. BANG! BANG! He staggered a few times but he was still coming, how was this possible?
“MC don’t just stand there! RUN!”
You could only manage to take a few steps backwards as you took a couple more shots at him. You gasped as his hand found your throat and hoisted you up into the air a bit, and that was when you pulled the trigger once more. The barrel was pointed against his stomach, you watched as his face contorted with pain and felt his fingers loosen their grip on your neck as you both began to collapse to the ground. Lundgren’s now lifeless body completely on top of yours as you lay there quaking, not from the cold, but from the fact you had almost died once again, and you had just killed someone. You didnt move, too exhausted from everything you just lay there until Lundgren’s body was shoved off you and Jake took your face in his hands, riddled with bloody knuckles. You were in shock, your eyes staring off into space as he shook you ever so slightly, his hands still caressing your face.
“MC? MC, look at me! Baby, please!”
You finally meet his gaze and the moment you do, your eyes swell with tears and you wrap your arms around Jake’s neck and you pull yourself close. You sobbed hysterically into the crook of his neck and listened as he calmed you, stroking your hair and rocking you a bit. As you listened to him, you could tell that he was holding back tears.
“I was so afraid. So afraid they had killed you…”
Apparently after the power surge, Jake came to find you only to find some of the pods empty, and some of them still held their occupants, a bullet in their forehead. He had searched every pod, fearing that the next one he would look into he would find you there, just as dead as the others. When he didnt find you, he knew you had escaped and from that point he followed the trail of where most of the footprints lead, out into the snow. He also had come across something else, the remains of a smoked cigar, Havana brand. He knew Lundgren was after the others and as he ran he heard gun shots, fearing he wouldnt get there in time. He came across all the bodies of the hotel guests and was about to search through them for a sign of you, when he heard Lundgren’s voice. Using the code name ‘Wolf’ was all he needed to know; you were the target, and he ran as fast as he could to find where you were. He cursed himself for not getting there sooner.
He pulled back and looked down at you, wiping your tears from your face with his thumbs. His eyes looked down at your neck at the bruises that had formed from when Lundgren had almost strangled the life out of you and you could see the hurt in his eyes, even the hint of some tears forming.
“That bastard. If I could kill him over and over again, I would in a heart beat. Please forgive me for not getting there sooner. I dont know what I would have done if I had been too late… I-”
His voice cracked as he brought your forehead to his lips and pressed them against it and then moved his forehead to press against it after. You managed to give a little smile and then softly spoke as you took a strand of his hair and twisted it around your finger affectionately.
“Just take me to Costa Rica so we can forget that this happened…all of it. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
Jake managed to chuckle and he nodded as he looked into your eyes.
“You got it, Princess. But maybe we should get some first aid before hand.”
You nodded in agreement. The two of you were bruised, bloodied and battered and looked like hell. You were just now beginning to feel your injuries again now that your adrenaline levels were returning to normal.
“I vote we find some whiskey first though.”
“Amen to that, Princess. Amen to that. But first…”
Jake leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, pulling you closer despite his broken ribs. He deepend the kiss for a few moments and then pulled away.
“Sorry, usually I get to do that before the danger.”
You smirked and kissed him again softly, taking the time to bite his bottom lip slightly.
“You can make it up to me at the Lodge.”
“Heh, I’ll try my best to. Just go easy on me?“
“I’ll try my best to.”
You helped each other to your feet and the two of you put an arm around the others’ waist and walked off toward the Lodge, hoping against hope that your friends were all there, safe and sound.
-Fin
(Enjoy, or not to enjoy, I trust you will decide?)
(*I do NOT own any of the Pixleberry Choices characters or plot lines, I merely love (some of) them. Please don’t sue me, I am broke.*)
108 notes · View notes
adambstingus · 7 years ago
Text
5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame
Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.
5
Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan
There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.
Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?
In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.
Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.
Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.
4
A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades
Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?
… K-Kodak? The photography company?
What the fuck?
shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?
It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.
To all that I say: Poppycock.
You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”
I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.
Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.
3
Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”
The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.
Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:
There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:
“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”
“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”
Or, in reference to the family’s children:
“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”
Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.
What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”
A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.
2
A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses
The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.
In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.
In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.
Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!
Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.
1
Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses
Wait, what?
I’m … That’s … What?
The Telegraph SIX?
Gold leaf. Jesus.
Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.
Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.
You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.
Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.
Get your tickets here:
from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162144044077
0 notes
samanthasroberts · 7 years ago
Text
5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame
Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.
5
Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan
There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.
Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?
In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.
Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.
Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.
4
A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades
Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?
… K-Kodak? The photography company?
What the fuck?
shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?
It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.
To all that I say: Poppycock.
You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”
I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.
Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.
3
Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”
The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.
Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:
There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:
“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”
“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”
Or, in reference to the family’s children:
“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”
Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.
What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”
A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.
2
A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses
The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.
In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.
In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.
Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!
Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.
1
Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses
Wait, what?
I’m … That’s … What?
The Telegraph SIX?
Gold leaf. Jesus.
Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.
Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.
You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.
Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.
Get your tickets here:
Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/
from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/
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allofbeercom · 7 years ago
Text
5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame
Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.
5
Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan
There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.
Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?
In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.
Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.
Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.
4
A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades
Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?
… K-Kodak? The photography company?
What the fuck?
shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?
It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.
To all that I say: Poppycock.
You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”
I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.
Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.
3
Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”
The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.
Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:
There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:
“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”
“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”
Or, in reference to the family’s children:
“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”
Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.
What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”
A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.
2
A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses
The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.
In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.
In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.
Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!
Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.
1
Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses
Wait, what?
I’m … That’s … What?
The Telegraph SIX?
Gold leaf. Jesus.
Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.
Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.
You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?
Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.
The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.
Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.
Get your tickets here:
from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/
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