#other identity than a feminine one isn't possible anymore

[maidenvault]

Okay so, Crosshair’s hand.

Has anyone pointed this out? When Crosshair kills Nolan, he doesn't use his shooting hand.

He uses his left. Just as he very significantly has to in the series finale.

I don't know if the writers knew as far back as "The Outpost" that Crosshair was going to lose the use of his shooting hand and by extension everything he believed made him strong, a "superior" clone, and safe from being discarded when he was kind of fascism-pilled. But it feels extra significant in retrospect that his first action taken against the Empire is not done with the hand associated with the terrible things he did as an Imperial sniper. And it's after he just got a difficult lesson about how his own personal strength and skills aren't enough to protect him - he was saved twice by Mayday, then possibly only survived through the night because he wouldn't leave him behind and could share his body heat. He may be using his left hand when he shoots Nolan because his other arm is tired from supporting Mayday all the way back, which only adds to the symbolic touch I love that Mayday is using his rifle as a crutch to help him walk as well (and of course, he's at close range so quite meaningfully Crosshair doesn't use the rifle to shoot here either). It all supports the idea of this as the first huge moment of transformation for Crosshair when he's finally turning his fire on the real enemy out of a desire to protect others, however futile and too late it is in this particular situation.

Going back and noticing this really reinforced for me that Crosshair's hand injury probably isn't just meant as a manifestation of his trauma related to Tantiss. It would make sense considering it's his shooting hand that it also has something to do with his inner conflict regarding his changed relationship with violence and killing.

The Batch were introduced as these stereotypically macho soldier characters, an impression that's softened a little as early as the pilot of TBB but still distinguishes them a little from other clones. In a kind of funny way you can look at the whole series as being about these guys who were only brought up to fight gradually discovering and finding peace with their more traditionally feminine sides - literally because of Omega, a female version of themselves who shows them the possibilities of being a family and living for others instead of for violence.

For Crosshair this journey is much more difficult and like a painful rebirth than it is for anyone else because being a soldier was so much of his identity. He's always been the one to most pointedly distinguish his squad from regs because of their "superior" traits that he thinks will make the Empire value them, and he clearly internalized the way the Kaminoans only care about clones as weapons to be used in war. And it all betrays how little value Crosshair actually believes he has deep down. It was easy to go into S3 being especially worried about his fate because he's believed so long that he's not good for anything but fighting and he's the character it was the hardest to imagine adjusting to a different life.

But in retrospect, it was stupid to think they'd let him off that easy and of course the whole point is that it takes a lot to get him there. What exactly he went through on Tantiss beyond the electroshock torture we've seen is never delved into but personally, I think being a soldier is something that's poisoned for Crosshair after he becomes a victim of the Empire himself and subject to their attempts at reconditioning. He's not psychologically able to be that person anymore, but for a long time is still trying to largely rely on himself and his own strength. He tries to sacrifice himself for others because he's still holding onto that part of himself in a way.

But for once in Star Wars we've gotten a fully realized redemption arc showing that sometimes what's harder than giving your life in a redemptive way is to actually have to figure out how to live with the bad things you've done and be better. Some of the people Crosshair hurt were his family, and he has to learn he can only make things better by being there for them. He has to learn that he actually can survive and figure out a way forward from his life as a soldier if he lets himself rely on them, just like he only survived Barton IV with help from Mayday. As @moonstrider9904 explains so well in this post, that is what's so important about Crosshair losing the hand and making that final shot to save Omega with Hunter's support. Symbolically he's had that toxic part of himself actually cut off and it's the final, most painful part of his rebirth. But because of that he's forced to find that he can live on without it, that he's surrounded by people who love and believe in him anyway, and that having superhuman skills as a killer was never what gave him worth.

No, having his shooting hand cut off doesn't "fix" anything or mean that Crosshair is healed. He's probably only begun to recover from everything he's been through. But all we really need to see is that he's firmly found his place as part of a family instead of a squad, and he's not going to be alone as he deals with all of that.

[our-trans-youth-experience]

I had this conversation with a “friend” almost a week ago but I’m still thinking about it. I’m openly trans to her, and she seems to have accepted me (she’s cis but also queer so ig it’s not that big of a deal to her).

Then one day she suddenly goes on this very serious rant about, well, basically a lot of iffy exclusionist takes (e.g: “there are only ‘two genders and three sets of pronouns’ [???], people can use they/them prns but nonbinary isn’t actually a ‘real thing,’ homosexuality and transness aren’t normal because we were all born to reproduce” or some bullshit like that, etc. etc. etc.) I was trying to gently counter her ideas and explain the other side of things, but she clearly didn’t want to listen. I was extremely uncomfortable and trying to segue out of the conversation at some point but she literally just wouldn’t let me. After she was done, she asked me “Do you agree?” in like the most demanding voice possible, like I had to comply with her. When I said I didn’t, she was almost taken aback, as if I hadn’t been trying to get her to consider another, kinder, less-exclusionist viewpoint the entire time. After hearing and analyzing her rant, I realize that she’s influenced by transphobic ideas a lot more than I thought, and just because she doesn’t misgender me or other binary trans people (who more or less pass, might I add) doesn’t really make her any better.

It’s a weird feeling to have, knowing that this “friend” isn’t really a friend anymore (I know it was just one conversation, but from that alone, I don’t think things are going to improve and I’m not sticking around with her to see if they get worse). I’m not a confrontational person and even after that she still talks to me, but now that she’s shown that she likes to gatekeep labels, identities, and speak like she dictates other people’s lives, I’m definitely not comfortable with her anymore.

That's fair enough, you should only stick around people that accept you for who you are and who you are comfortable with. It isn't right to have friends who gatekeep, control, gaslight or manipulate you and make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Gender is an individual experience, so in my opinion (which granted is very much shaped by the fact that I am autistic), there are infinite genders. Not neatly arranged from masculine to feminine on a scale but a bunch of individuals on a huge spectrum in which no two experiences are the same.

[mothicality]

you mentioned 'flicker segments' in one of your recent tags and im wondering what that means? i think i have an idea and if im right m really happy because we're like that.

honestly i really like hearing about your system because in a lot of ways you sound like you function really like us and its so rare to see stuff that really sounds like us. akjsfb thank you for existing really.

Hi!! I know the terms from here:

Flicker: https://www.tumblr.com/artisticdysfunction/726824283002765312/flicker

Segment: https://pluralpedia.org/w/Segment

So they're facets that are less developed/distinct and only exist for a short time, for us they usually only exist to do a specific task. In CDD systems, these would probably just be called "fragments" (maybe "flicker fragments"), but we aren't personally comfortable using that term because of it being more a CDD term, like alter.

So for us, a new segment forms to do whatever task or handle whatever situation we're in, and when there's a new task/situation, a new segment forms for that and the previous one disappears/stops existing. It's a very seamless transition that we don't notice at all unless we're intentionally paying attention to it.

We have 5 types of segments, each type having some shared traits that all segments of that type have some of. For example, the Moth type is always more childlike than the other types, and the Sophia type is always more feminine.

We just refer to the types as Parts, since all Moth segments function and see themselves as just one part. With the post we left those tags on, these would be our "identities", we just personally prefer Part terminology :]

We've actually had a few reoccurring segments a few times when we tried to sorta track them, but never any permanent ones. They've been around a few times, and then some other segments were similar enough to think they were them but slowly it was realised that segment hadn't been around for a while.

We also sometimes have flicker parts, which are more well-defined like our parts are and possibly has their own segments as well, but they still only exist for a short time and only front once/a handful of times.

We don't keep track of our segments at all anymore, since it's just stressful for us and increases dissociation and instability.

Hope that explains it and how it is for us, bit of a ramble bleh :)

And!! We're really glad you like hearing about us!! It's sorta part of why we started this blog, cause it seems a lot of people have similar experiences to us and feel alone in it since it isn't commonly discussed.

There's actually a lot of things where people feel isolated in their experiences just because they aren't discussed often, but they aren't really uncommon at all. Some also gain further understanding of themselves from reading about this stuff, so that's cool too :]

[missmastectomy]

hey so do you think it's possible to purposefully change your mind so you don't feel dysphoria anymore (before transitioning)? I'm a teenage female and I've socially transitioned to looking and acting male because it makes me genuinely happy and I'm dysphoric about being female (i have penis envy and everything) however recently I've started reading more gender crit stuff and really really wanting to get rid of the feeling of being trans. I just wanna be normal. It really is a mental disorder, and I wish there were resources for changing your mind rather than changing your body. I just want to be a normal girl, I want to be happy with being a girl rather than just delusionally happy when I'm pretending to be male. It's so damn hard to find gender critical resources for gender dysphoria, or it's just for parents of kids who have the disorder, not for the kids themselves cause no one actually consideres that there's people like me who genuinely want to have a normal brain without gender delusions. I'm sorry if this is TMI, or if you don't wanna answer questions, I just saw your blog in my "for you" and got excited cause it's so rare to see gender crits on this crazy website. I just wanted to ask if you have any advice (or know of resources) on changing your mind cause you're a detrans and I really wanna reach the point of being detrans without it causing me so much pain cause I'm so attached to my identity.

Not TMI at all! Yes, you can successfully treat gender dysphoria without a medical or social transition. You have already done the most difficult step - realizing that identifying as a man while being female is not conducive to your mental health in the long term. You sound very clear-headed and that is the most important aspect of managing dysphoria.

You say you are attached to your identity, and I think this is a big reason why people transition, despite the red flags that are there. The next step in accepting your body and sex is to realize that your sense of identity is fluid. Your identity as trans is not fixed, especially because you are a teenager. Take it from someone who's in her early 20's, you will change a lot as you grow up. You'll believe things and feel things that are in total opposition to the way you think now, because you are still a kid. In fact, without a social transition, most kids who experience GD will naturally just grow out of it as they enter adulthood. This is most likely what will happen with you. As you become an adult, you will feel more comfortable in yourself. I'm warning you now it will take a few years, but you just need to be patient.

However, you will still have to put in the work. I recommend going through my "mail" tag, because I've answered questions similar to this one. For you, I'd suggest digging into where your dysphoria stems from. Since you're a teen, you most likely are just experiencing growing pains and identifying out of "womanhood" is probably an outlet for that. It was for me. This can stem from many things - CSA, discomfort with feminine gender roles, hostility from others when you exist as a GNC girl, internalized homophobia... identify what the problem is first, then work on it. I'd suggest going to a non-affirming therapist OR a therapist who just doesn't care about all the trans stuff. They will give you advice that isn't grounded in ideology, but be warned that a more generic therapist might mistakenly try to validate your identity because they're not trained to actually deal with dysphoria. Transition is seen as a quick fix to dysphoria, but as you know it usually creates more issues than it solves, and doesn't deal with the feelings that caused it in the first place.

Ask yourself: am I ashamed to be a woman? Do I feel belittled as a girl? Why do I feel that way? Is it because I don't like to be pidgeonholed into stereotypes that don't fit me? Do I have some trauma related to my body? What would life look like for me as an adult woman, who may not prescribe to femininity?

I highly recommend seeking out butch lesbians who are very positive of their identities. Even if you're not butch, there perspectives are invaluable. I link it in another ask, but look up "Carol detrans" on youtube. She's an older butch who detransitioned and has great advice.

The important thing to remember is that often mental disorders and trauma are not permanent, in the sense that how they effect you right now will not be how the effect you in the future. Time truly does heal all wounds, but you need to be proactive about it by asking yourself hard questions. Don't be afraid of the answers, no matter how ugly they are. This is a pretty generic how to but if you have any other questions feel free to send another ask.

[winns-stuff]

Something about LO that's never sat right with me was... I'm not sure how to say it, but it's lack of identity? Like, obviously there's heavy ddlg themes with Hades and Persephone. From Rachel's concept art to the comic frames themselves. And despite taking the dynamic too literal (making Persephone a teen and Hades middle aged, improper power dynamics, etc), there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that trope. Doms and subs are consensual, even in every day life. But my problem is, instead of having mature adults in this setting with this dynamic, Rachel somehow also wants to make it a coming of age story with feminine empowerment? Showing Persephone doing buissness for her mother, hyping her up as the dread queen, etc, yet making her useless whenever her love intrest is on screen. Not to say H and P can't be equals, but it always walks such a fine line of 'yes, this woman is the bad bitch, EXCEPT when it comes to her screen time.' Boiling H and P down, they seem so shallow. Sure, there's the friendly banter in previous episodes (thinking back to the chess game), but there's nothing tying the twos stability together. Persephone mostly seems to be lavishing in Hades body/money. Buying flashy outfits, lusting over his abs (I'm not counting 'Pers made her own money in the mortal realm by taking up Demeter's place' because we didn't see it and its never used again). Again, being a sugar baby is fine, but empty promises of 'tell don't show' makes it seem empty. Pers is supposed to be the queen of the underworld, and yet she wasnt present at all while Hades went to speak to Kronos? Didn't even know about it? Playing with sticky notes? Really? And with Hades, it's a mix of lust and emotional trama. He sees Persephone as a caretaker. Maybe not physically, but in the relationship, Persephone is the one whos literally compared to his own mother. Someone who's kind, nurturing, the embodiment of motherly. As long as Hades pays for everything (like he was doing with Minthe), he gets the perks of coddling. Besides that, what common interests do the two share? They both run buissness? Pers isn't working alongside Hades for buissness, aka Kronos. Thats legit the only reason I can think of. Pers can care less about the mortal realm, Hades sees the underworld more as a wallet than a realm of passion. It boils down to the show don't tell point. 'ill add spesifics to show that you're WRONG (Pers having her own place)! But now that I've won, I don't ever have to show it again! (Pers lack of independence being shown in the rest of the comic).'

Yeah, honestly LO feels like it doesn’t exactly care about the actual character development and storyline. There’s a reason why romance related movies, shows, and books have something to offer the reader other than romance. If you just have two characters always coming together no matter what with little to no development at all except for their shared shallow views of how the world works for over 100 episodes many people will get tired. There’s a reason why slow burns are so loved, because once the characters actually see the other romantically the audience and readers start to feel rewarded, they’ve waited this whole time and have been patient with the climaxes of the story for so long and now their patience is paying off, and they finally get to see their ship sail. With LO it’s like it tries to create some sort of slow burn tension but it’s all ruined because it’s not actual tension. There’s nothing keeping HxP from happening, they could be together completely no matter what without any other obstacles if they want but Rachel continues to drag it out as if Hades and Persephone just can’t possibly be together. She’s been doing this for a while now and it’s reasonable why people are no longer there for their romance anymore, it’s not written in a way that there’s a reward. You don’t get a reward for your patience, there’s nothing that you’re waiting for so you just feel empty the entire time you’re reading.

I’m very over LO being marketed as a feminist story though. Don’t get me wrong I’m utterly and completely a feminist, I support women until it’s clear that I shouldn’t (and no, that doesn’t mean I just blindly trust women either that sentence just means that if there’s a situation where it’s a crime against a woman, I’m going to side with her if there’s not obvious evidence that she either manipulated the situation, lied, or was the aggressor in the crime) but I absolutely see nothing aligning to feminism with LO. It’s honestly criminal how little the comic has to do with feminism, I feel like it got put in there because a woman was the “main character”. But it’s just depressing how LO is getting all of this fame for this so called feminist retelling yet there’s way better feminist driven stories out there. You know how many female main characters there are on webtoon who have depth, complexity, actual power, and other amazing qualities being showcased on webtoon in their own respective comics? I feel like everyone hates to say it so I will but because of the decline in storytelling and overall art of LO I feel like it’s time to at least congratulate people who still have passion for their work. I know writing webtoons are stressful, I hate even saying this cause I feel like I’m undermining Rachel’s work but it’s getting to a point where I don’t see as much effort anymore. I just wish more people were able to have their work appreciated, it’s not fair to them.

[skrunksthatwunk]

ok elaborating more sorry. i wanna emphasize/reiterate that it feeds a fantasy of her naturally being what a woman should be (in several layers a woman, a straight woman, and a gender-conforming cishet woman), of having a more traditionally feminine nature, and of having more prominent female guidance in her life.

she never really had older female role models or guides, and her dad was barely able to be a father to her, much less help her figure that whole mess out. she's a tomboy, y'know? she's kinda rough around the edges where other girls seem to have it all figured out. again, i think she likes being this way (see the more masc way she dresses when given choice over it), but junketsu's fantasy is one of never having to struggle with the consequences of nonconformity, chosen or inherent. (and i mean i would argue one's tomboyness or butchness isn't that much of a choice, but that's a tangent im not getting into)

fantasy-ragyo is someone who can give ryuko that being-a-proper-woman guidance, and who can nurture her like her father didn't. maybe if she got that kind of softer-touch attention ppl associate with mothers, she wouldn't have ended up like this. she could be feminine and delicate like every other girl. she could be normal. junketsu's fantasy is for typical femininity to be something ryuko doesn't have to struggle through alone and something that comes naturally to her. to have always been rather than to become, as i said in the first part.

im adding this because i think i jumped to the it's about being a lesbian thing a little too quickly and skimmed over the bits about gender performance that i think are very very interwoven with that.

the wedding scene could be about being butch. this could be about being a lesbian in general. this could be about being genderqueer. it could be a lot, honestly.

but i think it's important to note how it focuses on normative girlhood as part of the fantasy

i also think it's noteworthy how this is inseparable with marriage as what a woman should do, and as what a girl should look forward to. women's roles in patriarchal systems, and fascist systems in particular, are inseparable from marriage, from chaste reproduction (to make more cattle for the life fibers in-universe, and irl often things like making more soldiers/white babies for racial conflicts that are always just around the corner (and which they always, always start, because fascism relies on destruction and violence against an enemy to survive)). that normal girlhood must culminate in marriage to a man. there is no other way to be a normal girl. and you have to be a normal girl.

like i said in the first part, this self-determination pertaining to what it means for ryuko to be a woman could have been portrayed with the Strong Independent Woman version i described, in which the definition of womanhood is merely separated from marriage and romance, but that's not all that happens.

once again, it's not just that ryuko doesn't need this, it's that it cannot coexist with her.

she cannot still be ryuko and be this normal girlbride. the two are antithetical to each other because of something fundamental to her, something junketsu is helping her pretend doesn't exist. whatever that may be, the very essence of ryuko, or some key part of it, must be purged for this kind of life to be possible. and at that point, she's not ryuko anymore.

again, i think it's lesbianism, but it could be something else, something more vague and nebulous about identity, or something like genderqueerness (in particular think there's a pretty good trans man/transmasc reading in there somewhere) or aromanticism (i think each of these would be very powerful). the wedding scene is a lot of things, and can be about many more.

at the end of the day, it's mostly about being yourself and not what your mom wants you to be!! and devaluing the societal structures/roles/conventions around us bc they suck real bad!!! hell yeah 🤘🤘

man i think part of what fucks me up (/pos) about the wedding scene (klk) is how well it conveys that the fantasy junketsu puts on ryuko is not a romantic one.

like i think it would've been really easy to make it about her wanting to find a man who could take care of things for her or love her unconditionally and when mako busts her out the message is You Don't Need A Man! You're A Strong Independent Woman!! or something (which is a perfectly fine message btw. i bring it up because i suspect that's how some people read it, especially those who see ryuko as straight, in an utena-hetero-girlboss way (yes i HAVE encountered that reading before. head in my hands)). maybe there's a montage of the groom and her at romantic milestones (confession, proposal, dates, moving in, whatever), and mako busts in while they're exchanging rings or leaning in for a kiss or something. they could have done that.

but the show puts SO little focus on the groom, to the point of emphasizing his facelessness and lack of relevance to the fantasy and its appeal (see the door handle knocking him over and ryuko not noticing, too busy looking at mako), that i think it's impossible to read it that way. and that's great bc what's actually there is so much more interesting and thematically relevant.

ryuko wants a normal childhood with a mom who loves her and spends time with her doing typical family stuff, who sticks with her as she grows up. the fantasy is of a normal development and family structure, of assimilation into a typical path of life for a woman, with its typical milestones. that includes getting married to a man. the fantasy is being naturally what society wants her to be, what will allow her to connect most easily to others within it. she's always butted heads with others, never fitting in for reasons she can't really understand, or often because she thinks the rules themselves are stupid. that came with isolation. loneliness.

the fantasy of junketsu's wedding is of conformity. it is also of conformity without effort, without awareness.

she doesn't want to force herself to fit in, because she knows that feels like shit. she wants it to be seamless. second nature. that's what junketsu appeals to. not the fantasy of pretending to be straight or becoming straight, but simply being straight.

(if it isn't clear by now, i view ryuko as a lesbian. this scene is a big part of why.)

it's ryuko pretending to be (and to always have been) something that will never cause her trouble, that will never alienate her. (or junketsu making her pretend that, though i think it caters to a lingering insecurity of ryuko's, that lack of stability, connection, and conformity in her real life).

it's also part of why mako and senketsu's rescue is not about mako being the right one for ryuko, but about ryuko's identity. her core state of being. who she is as a person.

(personally i read ryuko and mako as romantic (and i believe the show does as well, hence, y'know, the date and the mako hallelujah imagery during her asking her out and mako hitting on her and and and. sorry but however you feel about them as a ship they are definitively canon), and the scene does have romantic appeal/a romantic angle to it. but i think that romance comes from mako understanding ryuko deeply, and from calling her back into the person she is, rather than the person she could have been were she to have lived a Completely Different Life, and showing her that she has community and companionship even without this. she can be part of a group without doing all this shit. she doesn't have to fight alone, and this wedding business isn't the only way out of that loneliness. it's a gesture of love and concern for her as a person, one that comes from senketsu and mako together, the people who love her the most.)

ragyo wants conformity. she is a fascist. she wants everybody to wear the same clothes, to be in their proper place in society, and to submit to those who have rightful power over them. A hierarchy with life fibers at the top and humans at the bottom. ragyo designs and distributes the roles (clothes) people ought to wear, talks about clothes that don't suit people, etc. she wants ryuko to conform like she is, and like she has. a feelingless marriage to some man for what she can get from him. fitting in. she wants to have daughters that fit in. she wants to fit in. she wants to fit in because she's fetishized her place above other humans (pigs in human clothing, in roles unbefitting their pig status), her place under life fibers.

it has nothing to do with love, so ragyo doesn't even bother with it. nor does junketsu. even though the guise of love could be a powerful aide here, the staff chose to leave the message unmuddied. it is about conformity.

for ryuko to fulfill this fantasy, she would have had to be a completely different person, with a completely different life.

ryuko could not be ryuko and still wear that wedding dress. so she tore it off to be herself again (something she'd been lamenting/resisting since finding out she was "a goddamned life fiber monster" shortly before getting put in junketsu).

also note that satsuki used this wedding dress for her own aims as well, though she is lucid through it. it pains her. it's a role she takes on to fight against ragyo (fire with fire). but she says she realizes she couldn't win using others like pawns. she couldn't win from inside the hierarchy, the establishment. she couldn't win using a groom and a dress for her own inauthentic reasons, nor using that clout to climb the ranks of something that was wholly rotten just to get closer to ragyo. the whole tree must be felled.

anyway

[torahtot]

just ignore them all be yourself, all your life you will be judged well not literally but the majority of it. so is best to just shake off the idea of pleasing others now than later. no matter what you do later or now people will still say things or do or give you looks if you dont look cis. so make yourself comfortable by making them confused. dont look for excuses either. just make yourself happy. just one last thing if you think youre not sure if you can be feminine some times, means youll need to drop butch out of it if you do plan to some times switch between fem or masc. because butch is a masculine presenting person only, that should always be protected, not altered. so if youre nonbinary whos emotions on style or look fluctuate thats normal, valid. But butch is not a style or a look, aesthetic, is a deep emotional strong personal growing passion of being masculine, an identity. If you some times feel masculine that is perfectly fine, but not if you choose butch to connect it to femininity too. in other words masc is not the same thing as butch. masculine can be used for any person a amab or afab, but butch cannot be used by a amab. another way to clear that up is what you may be looking to use to describe yourself is masculine not butch. butch is a different side of movement fighting for their own rights. masc is a widely acceptable term for every one and any one who needs to use it. hope that helped

ahh thank you so much this is so sweet 🥺😭

abt ignoring them all: my problem isn't being judged, i really don't care what cishets think of my appearance, i just can't look the way i want because of school rules and my parents' rules :/ so as a result of that i haven't really been able to try presenting different ways, and i just really don't know how i wanna present- i just know it has to not be feminine.

and abt your last point: i am a wlw girl, and i do not feel feminine ever i think, so i could potentially use butch if i decide that's right for me. ive been reading a bit about butch identity and i wouldn't keep it as an option if i was just in it for the aesthetic or if i felt at all connected to femininity.

the aesthetic actually is what i have trouble with because i know there are lots of different masculine aesthetics and different ways to look butch, what's important is to have that connection to masculinity. but i keep thinking that if i don't look and act tough im not a real butch or whatever. since im so.. not tough, idk if im considered masc enough to be butch even though i like to look and feel masc.

i think i just need to wait until i finish high school and wear what i want, then ill know if im butch or just masculine. but until then i can only figure out the internal identity stuff which is hard when u can't present right :/

sorry this answer got so long 0.0 thank you so much for the ask tho that's really kind jdjfjf

[unreone]

Aren't You Glad to Have a Boyfriend Like Me?

PROMPT: SERIAL KILLER

Time Taken: 42 hrs 14 min (on/off)

Program Used: IBis Paint

Word Count: 4133

♥~♥~♥~♥~♥

She beamed as I present to her my gift. An expensive perfume that she saw on a shop five days ago. She is squealing in delight at the second she recognize it.

"Oh my gosh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I can't believe that you manage to buy it~

How could I even return the favor?"

I laugh at how cute she is being right now. Little did she know, I did not even spend a single cent to get it. Wait...no I actually have. Just not mine.

"Don't worry, Giggles. To see your smile is enough for me to say it's worth it."

Nice, that's a smooth one Cuddles. My remark brought a blush on her angelic face. She then pulls me into a hug, something that I expected to get but could still appreciate.

"Aww, this is why I love you my fluffybuns. I'm so glad to have a boyfriend like you!"

I smile as I pat her head. Her wonderful scent wafts in the air as I caress her soft, pink fur. Oh how much I wanted to stay like this forever. However, a ring destroys the moment.

Both of us stop and look at each other. Withdrawing, she apologize and picks up her phone from her shoulder bag. I watch her expression change from bright to neutral and then grim.

"I know I understand...I will be there as soon as I can."

She ended the call.

"Something's wrong?"

She looks at me with guilt in her eyes. I could tell that she wanted to stay a little bit longer but the call has given her a reason not to.

"I am so sorry Cuddles but I have to go. The nurses who are suppose to work right now got into an accident and Lumpy couldn't handle it all by himself at the hospital. I guess I need to start my shift early."

What a bummer. Her shift is supposed to begin five hours from now. Despite feeling unpleasant, I manage to keep my cool.

"Ah don't worry my love. I understand. Just call me when you need a backup."

"Oh Cuddles. The world will be a better place if critters are as understanding as you. See ya later then. I love you!"

She pecks me in my cheek and runs toward the location of a bus stop. I truly adore her. Cupping my hands around my mouth, I shout out my response.

"I love you more!"

She turns around and copies my volume.

"I love you more than anything!"

Oh Giggles, my love for you is so much that I'm willing to do anything for you...

I wave my hand at her as she runs away. I did not stop until she is out of my sight. I sighed and walks away. I guess I have to continue my mission early too.

Pushing the boulder away from a certain spot, I stoop to pull the hidden latch, opening the entry to a bunker.

Jumping down, I swiftly takes my bag full of supplies and a vacuum cleaner. I also wear the "job outfit" that I borrow from a certain friend that must not be named.

After climbing up the ladder carrying my props, I close the hatch and push the boulder back to its original place.

As I stroll towards the house of my next target, I found myself recounting the moments I accomplished my first goal. It was...exhilarating. The adrenaline I got is much more than the one I have while skydiving.

True, I felt remorse and a tiny bit of guilt after doing it but I'd be lying if I say I regret everything. In the end, watching how that pedobear mofo suffers from my own paws is satisfying, and that's all that matters.

Critters tends to underestimate me since I'm just a kid in their eyes. Yeah I admit that I'm immature most of the times, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of doing serious stuff. I watch enough movies and documentaries to say I know a thing or two with slaying rivals creatively.

It all starts with swaying the prey. Luring him is unsurprisingly not that hard. I just have to send him pictures and epic one liners on his inbox at that stupid dating app and boom! Charmed. He's willing to meet me at a specific, secluded place only me and him know. Never suspecting anything for a bit. He's like a really dumb fish who suddenly bites the bait despite a hook sticking through it!

As the fool arrived at my rented apartment room, he did not see the lover of the girl he always flirts with. Instead, he sees a purple female bunny wearing a cute outfit named Toodles who is infatuated with him. I let him in and offer snacks and tea, which he blindly accepts. As he eat, we talks just as the way we do in our chat.

I remember how he makes that disgusting face at me that he dubbed as his "fierce and flirty look" from time to time.

I am keeping myself from puking at the moment as he leans forward with that breath, asking me for a dance.

Despite feeling unpleasant, I manage to keep my cool. I did not become the best actor in drama club for nothing. I have to convince him that my character is so into him. So I did what I have to do in my script.

I pull him even closer, catching him off guard and making the pathetic asshole blush. This malicious pervert flipping blush! I can't even express my repulsion against this filthy degenerate.

"Maybe I would if you finish your tea~" I muttered in perfect, feminine tone.

Oh I just really smile as I saw that he finally ingested the damn fluid into his system. He, however, thinks it's because I fell in love with him. He drinks the whole cup in one go!

He was extending his hand out to me, about to say something, but found himself unable to do so. Or do anything else at all. His hand trembles before he collapses to the floor. I giggled as he flops like a fish. His mouth is gaping as he try so hard to breathe. He looks up at me with utter confusion in his eyes. Can't talk dirty now that you're paralyzed huh sicko?

"Nothing personal Disco. It's just that I heard that you're really messing around this town. You're pretty famous for being a headache for everyone. Now, let me tell you something. This is for harassing and killing every girl you encountered ~"

I grab the kettle and pour its boiling hot contents on his chest. Oh how euphoric it was to see him writhes in pain. The scent of his burnt flesh fills the room. I was grinning ear to ear as I watch in fascination how the tea spreads all over his fur.

"And this is for assaulting my brother's girlfriend, Giggles~"

I suddenly smashed the kettle on his crotch. He would be wailing in pain at the time if his throat isn't numb. All that came out in his mouth is pitiful gurgles as he pees on the floor. I move and stand besides his ugly face. My entire body is quivering in excitement and rage as I clutch on the shattered kettle tightly.

"And this is for killing her with a fucking kettle you ignorant pimp~"

And with that, I found myself bludgeoning the shittyhead over and over again with a kettle until he resembles a squashed tomato. I keep bashing on his shattered skull even after he stopped twitching. Finally, I stepped on his heart with my heels to satisfy my ears with that squelching flesh. Then, I went to the bathroom to shower the dye away. It takes me four hours to remove the fake color entirely off my fur. Of course, I did not leave without taking his wallet.

It's been three days since the incident and I haven't seen him around, which is a good sign. What I've done is super effective. I think after all that, he wouldn't bother Giggles anymore. Heck, I am confident enough to say that he wouldn't even dare to look at any girl ... hehehe ... look. Something that my next victim couldn't do. That makes everything easier.

I found myself on front of the house I seek. I casually walk towards the doorstep and press the doorbell.

Now I would have skip Mole over since the idiot mistaken Lumpy as Giggles on their blind date. That means, my motivation of killing him is not jealousy if that's what you're thinking. No. It's something deeper than that.

His obliviousness and idiocy is what ticks me off. He killed my precious girl by literally stealing her heart with a freaking stick. Then he just throws it in a filthy thrash bag like it was nothing. Oh how much I wanted to punch him square in the face when I see him pries the door open. But I didn't.

Sounding lanky and awkward, I announced my assumed identity.

"Randell of Happy Tree Cleaners, leaving your homes squeaky clean. Our company is very sorry since we couldn't send Petunia today. However, I am here to take her place. I hope you wouldn't mind, sir."

"Oh. Of course I wouldn't mind at all lad but I think you came pretty early."

Feigning confusion, I responded to him in a shameful tone (which I applaud myself for such a convincing performance).

"Oh I truly am sorry sir. I'm still new to the job and kinda not listening to my superior when she's passing the information over the phone..."

"Ah a newbie. No, don't worry at all. I actually admire you! Working so hard, always ready to face the task at hand as immediately as possible. You're also modest. You remind me of myself back in my younger days..."

Then a long time was wasted for his flashback that I could not see. I really hate delays but I'm not rushing so I let him do his thing.

"Oh silly me. What am I thinking letting you stand outside for so long! Come, enter my humble abode young one."

I thanked him as I went inside. The contents of my shoulder bag clatters against each other for every move I make.

As he leads me to the room he thought I'd bother to clean, I am appreciating the edginess of the vacuum's flexible hose that I'm holding. I am very proud to say I assembled it myself. I have tried it on cows and boy the precision of the cut was just fascinating. I left a clean hole through the chest of the dumb animal.

My eyes are locked on his back as he talks about taking pictures of a case that an evil mouse wanted or something like that. His keys are jiggling as he unlocked the door to his kitchen. He turns around to face me.

"-anyways, here we are in the kitchen, Early Randell. You may begin your "germ extermination," as Petunia put it."

"Oh, only she could do that sir. I have a different method and it's called "trash assassination."

"Really? Sorry to break it to you son, but I believe there's no such thing that's present in this room. There is just dust and dirty dishes."

"Excuse my language sir, but I could see one standing out in the middle of the room."

"Oh my, that must be the apple that I lost a while ago. Could you please take it out?"

"It's my pleasure to do so. After all..."

In a second, I thrusts the vacuum hose on his chest. It delights me how its end easily punctures through his clothes then his flesh. The idiot didn't react at first and only notice what I'm doing when I successfully take his heart out.

"The only thrash I see in this room is you. P.S. I know what you've done to Giggles. I'll come back if you repeat it again..."

He actually tries to escape but oh its just too late.

Resistance is futile after all, no matter how much you struggle old guy.

A few seconds pass before his body finally went limp. I smile as I let go of the vacuum hose.

Whistling the theme song of this town, I grab his filthy organ off of my vacuum. I take a moment to observe how it weakly pulses on my grasp. I find it fascinating that this thing is still beating despite its raptured state.

Then I pick the note I left from and continued whistling. I dump his heart into the thrash bag filled with decomposing materials and feces. If you're wondering where the heck it came from, its hidden inside the vacuum.

Of course I didn't want his heart to rot alone so I let his body join in. It's hilarious that his body would regenerate in there. Imagine respawning covered with shit.

I take out something out of my shoulder bag. Opening his fridge, I start lacing his food with cyanide. The medicines in his cupboard also get the same treatment. A sprinkle for this, a bunch on that and I'm done.

An hour was spent of taking care of the evidence. Cleaning is boring and tiresome but I have to do it. After disassembling the vacuum, disposing my outfit, sanitizing the floor and taking a bath, I went out of the house. I casually dump the garbages in the bin and then I take my leave. Two down, few more to go.

Up next is Flippy. He may seem to be an invincible rival but everyone have Achilles's heel – and I'm about to strike it. Wait, I'm not literally saying my target is the tendon at the back of his foot. The point is I know his weakness and its pathetic.

Currently, I am on my way to the psycho's location. My ears are flattened on the side of my head because of the hood of the black robe I'm wearing. My smiling skull mask is partially obscuring my sight. I am holding a blowgun disguised as a trumpet.

Anyway, for those who don't know what the flipping pants a blowgun is, it's a long narrow tube that shoots out an arrow or dart when someone breathes into it quickly and forcefully. Its content is not a dart though. It's peanuts.

Leaping few minutes forward, I am waiting at the entrance of an alleyway. My clothing blends well in the darkness. Flippy is visiting his psychotherapist and any minute now, he would leave the building and take the path in front of me.

Flippy... he is once my bro. He used to be the man I looked up on since he is serving the military from the age of 15. I thought he was cool but what he have done states he is far from that. We accepted him in our town and boy do I cursed the day that we did.

Turns out he gains an alter ego from the war who is a sadistic, bloodthirsty demon. Giggles and I have suffered hell from his paws. Now, it's payback time.

My thoughts were silenced by a voice whose source I'm too familiar with. As he walks into the desired spot, I blow the trumpet the hardest I possibly could. He screams, obviously surprised. Wasting no time, I push a certain button which allows air to pass through the blowgun. I watch a couple of peanuts shoots straight into his throat at bullet speed. All of this happened in just two seconds.

It seems that he didn't notice what just enter his mouth since he is busy catching up his breath. He looks stupid with his pupils dilated in fear. I toss the trumpet on the ground and run into the alleyway. He follows me, trying to match my speed. Amusingly, his body did not react instantly as I expected. Maybe it's because the number is fewer than the ones he ingested at the party.

"Darn it kid, why did you-"

It's not too long before he falls because of the tripwire I set up earlier. As I hear a dull thud, I turned around and smile.

He is groaning as his lips inflate. Multiple zits appeared on his face. His allergy reaction has rendered him immobile. I take out a knife from my shoulder bag, making sure he didn't see it.

His paws are trembling as he tried to stand. I am towering besides him when his limbs puffs up like a balloon.

"Something's wrong?"

Listening to his whimpers, I could tell how much he is suffering as his body painfully swells. I smirk as I kicked his ass hard, making him squeak in pain.

"You know you deserve it, Flip. If you can't handle the consequences, then you shouldn't have done these..."

As I said that last word, I throw photographs down for him to see. He knows he's to blame for all the mangled corpses in it. In the middle of it all is Giggles with a rose puncturing through her head.

I am overjoyed when I hear him cry. Oh the taste of victory is truly sweet. As time passes, he looks like a balloon animal more than anything. His arms give up since it couldn't support his weight anymore.

He mumbles something that resembles to an apology, which is empty since I've heard him say it countless times.

"You could only pay for your sins with death."

Desperate to live, he tries to drag himself forward, hoping he could move away from me. It's amusing that such an indestructible beast lives inside this wimp. We both know that those stubby fingers never help him in this situation in any way. It only makes him more pathetic.

I then dug my dull knife into his back and watch as his skin bursts. His body contorted as unimaginable pain washed over his body.

"What? You say you want more?"

I poked his shoulder with the tip of my blade and it explodes. The walls are painted by its disgusting contents. It's like I'm playing with a living bubble wrap.

"You like pain right? Don't you enjoy this? Huh? Huh!?"

I found myself caught in a frenzied mood of hacking and slashing. His body is constantly receiving new, multiple wounds. His ugly face is squeezed against the asphalt road. His head is twitching every time I plunge my weapon into his body.

For the final act, I hit the top of his head and zip his skull open, splitting his brain apart.

Panting heavily, I laugh. I've done it! I've defeated the unstoppable force. I stand to observe my work.

I turned around and meet the eyes of a preschooler dropping his lollipop. I could tell that he was about to take my trumpet when he saw something in the darkness moves. I guess my robe is really black. Imagine a floating skull smiling down at you.

He backs away as he saw the blood dripping from my gloves. I wave hi to him and he runs away. Yep, I just scarred a child's life forever. I have a pretty good feeling that he's gonna have nightmares about a skeleton and a trumpet tonight.

Welp, time to dispose this body. Good thing there's an incinerator conveniently placed at the end of this passage.

Dragging Flippy by his foot, I hum the coffin meme tune to myself. He's not that heavy anymore since chunks of his flesh pops like a bubble earlier. Scrapes form on his skin as I pull him.

With a heave and a ho, to the furnace he go. Don't forget the knife and the costume~

I just finished disposing my stuffs when my phone plays that special ringtone. Picking it up from the shoulder bag, I greet my precious Red Ribbon.

"Heya Giggles~ How are you?"

My expression shifts from bright to grim when I hear her weakly whispers that one word.

"Help…"

This was followed by a thunderous crash and a white noise. My heart sank deep into my guts. Running out, I only have one thing in mind – save her before it's too late.

I'm not really paying attention so I collided with someone riding a bike. As my butt hits the ground, I groan.

"Gah! What are you thinking running into me like that- Cuddles?"

Looking up, it's my best friend, Toothy. As he help me stand up, I quickly steal his ride.

"What in the-"

"Sorry Toots! Emergency, I'll return it later."

Huffing and puffing, I pedal like my life depends on it. Cars are beeping as I zoom by them. I've taken sharp turns and gave heart attacks to crossing pedestrians. I didn't even bother to stop when the traffic light is red. The only thing I care about right now is to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Smoke is rising from the horizon. It didn't take long before the building came into my view. My heart skips a beat as I see its remnants. My blood runs cold as a thought of her crushed body appears in my head.

I am preventing the tears that is burning my eyes to fall. I hop off the bicycle and run closer. I keep telling myself that I'm not yet late.

Broken glasses are scattered around. Shattered walls are laying against each other. I found an opening and force myself to fit through it. As I successfully did, I start searching for any sign of her.

I am frantically shaking the doorknobs when I heard her voice screaming for help. It sounds faint, which means she's far from were I'm at, but at least I know her direction.

I crawl under a fallen pillar then run to a door I haven't check. As I press my head against it, I hear her whimpering. I started to charge myself against it, my new attempts stronger than the last one.

Hang in there, Giggles...

Out of nowhere, something crash which makes the earth trembles. I press my ears against the door again. She's not making any sound anymore.

This prompts me to try harder. Adrenaline is coursing through my veins as I imagined the worst possible scenario. The door slammed open with the force I've applied. I can't help but stumble forward a little bit after that. There she was, six feet from where I am. I could not believe my eyes for what I'm currently seeing.

The Golden Idol is laying on the floor, crushed into dust. The crying face of my love is kissing the guy I assume is responsible for the damage of the cursed figure. A sun ray, originating from a huge hole at the ceiling, illuminates the spot where the two are standing. Her hands are around his shoulder. Giggles withdraw and mouthed the words "Thank You" to Splendid.

My whole body is trembling in rage. When did we kissed like that? Oh right! When we're fucking dead. I clutch something from my shoulder bag. I coughed loudly, announcing my presence.

The two turn to my direction. She gasp. She's saying words but I could not understand them. A plain smile is painted on my face as I quickly walks towards them. I brush pass the girl who turns me crazy in love.

Splendid chuckles and spreads his arms, expecting a hug. That's exactly what I give him...with an extra stab on his chest with my kryptonut dagger.

He's lucky because I'm not gonna do what I have in mind for him. He kneels and screams as his body quickly degrades. I snap to Giggles with a huge smile on my face...

The grasses sway with the wind. The view of the sunset in this spot is truly romantic. I sigh as I look into her eyes.

"I'm so glad that you could understand me, Giggles. I've only done all of that because of you. Now, nobody would ever bother you and we can stay like this forever~"

I smile as I pat her head. Her wonderful scent wafts in the air as I caress her soft, pink fur. Oh how much I adore her cute face.

"I know you didn't expect me to forgive you after what you've done. That's just how much I love you. I will do anything and everything just to make you smile."

I touch the spot at the end of her lips and help her to smile. After all, she couldn't done that all by herself in this state. I smiled as I remember what she said to me this morning.

"Aren't you glad to have a boyfriend like me?"

♥~♥~♥~♥~♥

Since I turned Cuddles into a killer, does this story counts as a creepypasta?

Writing this is a doozy so I hope you like it the same way that I make it. Write your thoughts down the comments!