#ot gonna out herself to there random dudes (gn) who she met like 3 hours ago and tried to stab her im pretty sure

[eddie-redcliff]

In the 25 years since Sam had figured out that she wasn’t a man, (or rather a boy, back then), they had only told two people.

Three if she counted herself, looking herself dead in the eyes in a motel bathroom while her father and Dean were off on a hunt. Whispering as though somehow through the walls and miles that separated them they could hear.

“I’m not a boy. I’m a girl.”

Then it was Jessica.

They met in art class, and they got along well. Sam asked if they could hang out, and Jessica had explained that she was going to the student Gay-Straight-Alliance meeting. Sam let some bullshit about her brother being gay (a lie that years later proved to be at least half-true) and Jess invited her along.

There were two trans-men in the club, and no other trans women. That’s what Sam figured out she was. The label didn’t fit perfectly well, but she assumed that she just needed time adjusting. It was good enough for now. And what did it matter how she identified? No one would know.

Because that’s what she had accepted. Sam would spend her whole life being a man to the rest of the world. She didn’t have money to spare for gender reassignment surgery, and who would trust a transgender person to be a social worker?

But she told Jess. Because Jess told her that she loved her and Sam knew that it was only a matter of time before she couldn’t keep it to just herself anymore.

She explained that she wasn’t a man. She explained that she wasn’t quite a woman either but was working on that. She explained that no one else could know. That this was just between the two of them.

Then Jess had made her a cake, decorated in blue pink and white whipped cream.

The world wouldn’t know, but the woman she loved did, and that was all she needed.

Jess died.

Sam started traveling with her brother, who would call her ‘Samantha’ but only as a joke. To mock her.

She was infatuated with Ruby, but she didn’t tell her. There was a part of her, buried under all the books she had read in college that was scared that Ruby would tell her that what she was was just further proof of her monstrosity. Proof that she belonged with Hell.

She wondered if maybe her body was not made to match her soul, but to match Lucifer, who would one day possess it.

She didn’t tell Amelia, but she thinks that she could have. Amelia had once whispered into her shoulder as she lay in Sam's arms “You’re not like any other man. You’re different. I think that’s why I can really love you.”

Sam wanted to tell her that she wasn’t a man. That’s what was different.

Not that the thing with Amelia lasted.

Eileen was everything. A hunter. Smart. Beautiful.

And the most wonderful thing was that she thought the same of Sam.

Hunting wasn’t stationary work though, so it took 2 months of video calls and texting before they were actually able to meet up in person again.

“Sam, I need to tell you something.” They were in the garage, back from their first official date. Eileen still stood on the far side of her car, playing with her keys in her hands. She put them away so that she could sign.

“What?” Sam signed.

“I’m transgender” the word was accompanied by a swirling sweeping motion, like a leaf dancing in the wind as it fell off of a tree. “That means that I was assigned male at birth, but I’m a wo-”

“I know what it means.” Sam interrupted. “Shit. Sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you off.”

“Yes. that was very rude” Eileen joked, and Sam knew that she was forgiven. “I’ve had bottom surgery, but my genitals are not exactly the same as a cis- assigned female at birth - woman. I just wanted to let you know now so that you didn’t ask weird questions in bed.”

Sam felt her eyes go wide and mouth form a smile. “You want to go to bed with me?”

“No. We went on a date as friends.”

“Right. Great. I. I would also like that. Very much.”

The sex is great, but after Sam’s jelousy sours her afterglow.

“I wish I could be like you.” Sam whispered. She lifted her head and repeated herself so that Eileen could see.

“Elegant and clever?”

“A woman.”

That seemed to catch Eileen off guard, but she recovered quickly. “Wanting to be a woman is a symptom of being a woman, you know.”

“I know. I’ve-” For some reason she can’t say it. It catches in her throat and she realizes that it’s been 16 years since she last told anyone about this part of herself.

Eileen is patient. She sits up in the bed and waits.

“I've known that I wasn’t a man since I was a kid. I just- I’ve mostly accepted that I’ll never transition. Still, I’ve never met anyone like me, and seeing you. Being yourself. Properly. It hurts a bit.”

Eileen lay a hand on her arm. A warm, kind presence. She removes it to sign “you could if you want.”

“Not really. Don’t think that people will buy the whole FBI thing if I look like the halfway stage of an animorphs book.”

“You won’t look like… that.”

“It’s fine. I’ve made my peace with this body, even if it was never really mine.”

Eileen, bless her, changed the subject before Sam could start thinking about Lucifer again.

“Do you want me to call you a different name? Just when we are together?”

“Sam is good.”

Eileen finger spells out “S-a-m-a-n-t-h-a”

“No. Just Sam. You’re reminding me of Dean fucking with me with Samantha.”

“He doesn't know?”

“I don’t really plan on telling him. Ever.”

Eileen nodded. Understanding.

Then Eileen died.

And stuff happened.

And Eileen came back. And more stuff happened.

But now it was safe. Eileen moved into the bunker, and everyday after 14 hours of being a man she could return to her and Eileen’s room and be her.

And really, that was all she needed.