#orpheusdawn

[flyingincandescent]

So, my ex recently sent me the first installment of who knows how many total unpayed wages from back when I used to work for him. I'm pretty sure this is almost all the credits that he's earned while working for the afterworld government, and maybe even cutting into what he earned while working in the otherworld. Its hard to tell when its handed over in the form of a number of credits on a standard issue piece of plastic. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything about this? Like, its a respectable gesture, but it falls flat in the face of the safety nets I've got here. Plus like, You Know, the reason we're separated nowadays.

As of today, its pretty much just me, Jo, and whatever pets and pokemon are hanging around between us watching the house. Jovin took off on that journey to who the fuck knows where and Samm is in one of those longass trance states. It looks like I might need to watch the gym more often, in case Brae doesn't take up the back-up role she promised.

I wonder though, if I should even be thinking about moving out to my own place at a time like this. On one hand, I have the cash for it, but on the other, I feel like I'm needed here. Also, the loneliness factor. There's a reason I've stayed over here at mom's for so long. I feel safe here. I feel protected here. Something I had only felt in short doses during dream visitations for a while. But at the same time, this feels like a transient state. Like I belong somewhere else. Like I should be establishing myself somehow, beyond this safe crashpad.

maybe I'm just overthinking things.

[flyingincandescent]

Last night, at the request of a trusted contact, I finally had a talk with Pane. He's... a lot more remorseful than I thought he would be. Something I should know all too well from past experience with Thoren. I can only imagine just how much more weighed down Pane must be, knowing what he had done before he abandoned his old name.

I want to believe he's a changed man. I want to embrace him and remind us both that the nightmare is over. but...

...it still hurts.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Despite the hope I felt, the pain still lingers.

Like sure, he gets all the support he can get for his shame, but what about his victims? what do we get? Do we just have to live with the fact that we were wronged and not pursue anything against him?

Where is the justice for those who suffer?

when do I get to heal?

when am I allowed to feel safe?

why is this so hard to deal with?

I wish I knew the answers to this...

[flyingincandescent]

I'm still... thinking about what I witnessed the other day.

A more doomed version of myself made it safely to the tower of the fallen, just for Thanatos to collect the soul of our late employer to pay off fucking Giratina. and what did that recent fallen do? they fucking followed him! Somebody just like me, the moment they got released from this mortal coil, immediately goes off on a fucking wild goose chase because "I don't want him to go alone".

He was an abuser! he abused all of us in the 312-1021 range! And yet...

What is it that I see in him? to the point that when everything is stripped away, I still see something worth pursuing?

what the hell is wrong with me...