#orpheusdawn

[flyingincandescent]

Last night, at the request of a trusted contact, I finally had a talk with Pane. He's... a lot more remorseful than I thought he would be. Something I should know all too well from past experience with Thoren. I can only imagine just how much more weighed down Pane must be, knowing what he had done before he abandoned his old name.

I want to believe he's a changed man. I want to embrace him and remind us both that the nightmare is over. but...

...it still hurts.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Despite the hope I felt, the pain still lingers.

Like sure, he gets all the support he can get for his shame, but what about his victims? what do we get? Do we just have to live with the fact that we were wronged and not pursue anything against him?

Where is the justice for those who suffer?

when do I get to heal?

when am I allowed to feel safe?

why is this so hard to deal with?

I wish I knew the answers to this...

[flyingincandescent]

I'm still... thinking about what I witnessed the other day.

A more doomed version of myself made it safely to the tower of the fallen, just for Thanatos to collect the soul of our late employer to pay off fucking Giratina. and what did that recent fallen do? they fucking followed him! Somebody just like me, the moment they got released from this mortal coil, immediately goes off on a fucking wild goose chase because "I don't want him to go alone".

He was an abuser! he abused all of us in the 312-1021 range! And yet...

What is it that I see in him? to the point that when everything is stripped away, I still see something worth pursuing?

what the hell is wrong with me...