#or... does the fact that I've ate 1 meal a day most days most of my life cause my mom spent all my money when I was tiny

[medicinemane]

Also I'm just gonna say that being in the head of that person... especially when it's something more like depression, insomnia, social anxiety, stuff like that... I can't even tell you if it's can't or won't with me

I own my own house and I pay for it by basically managing money in the family and by helping get rid of stuff that costs money

Got rid of my mom's multiple huge storage units, about $500. Got rid of my mom's trailer, which was at least $700 in lot rent, but my grandma would tell my mom regularly she was giving like $2000 a month (see, my grandma is very solidly uppermiddle class and... my mom kinda... pissed that all away so... there's always been insulation against being evicted, but... I don't know)

There was my apartment I had because... if you've seen pictures of my mom's trailer you'll get why I couldn't live there, but that was like $1,200 a month by the time I moved out. The I paid off my mom's $10k car loan with last of my money I scrounged, that got rid of $400 a month

...but I don't work and it makes me feel like a bum. I've had a couple jobs volunteering places for periods of time (insomnia is usually what killed that), and... actually often forget I was a licensed pharmacy tech for a while except I realized I hated retail pharmacy during clinicals so I never got paid

I have some ideas about making hypoallergenic soap, or about trying to find a way to make money with my carving or woodburning, but... can I be honest... I hate asking for money for things I make

(Actually have a commission, very large commission, about 4'x2'; and it's been done for a while and the client and I just have both been busy and so I haven't gotten it out, but... point is... I liked doing it, I learned a lot... really want them to have it, I'm gonna get it to them and then tell them to pay what they want... I hate, like really hate asking for money for my work)

So... you say there's a difference between can't and won't... am I can't or won't? Like I'm asking, I can't tell you... I... I assume I'm can't honestly. No physical disabilities in my way

And I'm literally saying that I never plan to work a job or to learn how to drive cause I hate they system and I hate driving... hell... had to let both my parents move in with me cause it was too much to let them roam free blowing through money and... like I said... I get by managing money and cutting back on fluff expenses so it can go to bills and food

I have trouble getting myself to work on stuff, even stuff I really want to get to. My parents live with me, but lets be honest everyone sees that as me living with my parents

So am I can't or won't? Is there a difference cause I can't, or am I just lazy cause I won't?

interaction i have with shocking regularity is when someone’s complaining abt someone they know and theyre like “ughh they’re 21 and dont have a job and refuse to learn to drive” and then they remember who they’re talking to (me. 21 cant work cant drive) and go like

[bloominshroomin]

how would the straw-hats react to being at a theme park?

I went to a theme park today, and all throughout the day, I kept wondering, "How would **insert character** react on these rides?"

I can't write a fanfic, so instead, I'm letting my brain rot out in an alternate format.

part 1! luffy, ussop and zoro. I'll make a part two if sone people like this lol.

set in a modern world, no devil fruits, etc...

LUFFY: When the crew entered the theme park, they were intimidated by the roller-coasters except for Luffy. He ran around and screamed, "I'm gonna ride them all!"

Kept the straw hat on in every ride (He managed to sneak it in)

Then he proceeded to sit in the front seat of the most HORRIFC, MIND BENDING, and TEAR JERKING ride of all time and laughed while waving his hands around in the air. Straight after, he'd ask to go on a second time and attempted to cut through the line.

Zoro got forced into riding everything with him because the rest chickened out, and he had to abide by "Captain's Order's."

When it's lunchtime, Nami managed to pester Sanji to treat everyone, and Luffy ordered the biggest meal on the menu. Ussop and Chopper suggested sharing with Luffy to lessen the payload until Luffy ate it all before he even made it back to the table. (Luffy received a very harsh disciplining after...)

He thought the mascots were real and bought merchandise for every single one. (He owes Nami 5,000 Berry x 300%)

USSOP: Talks big before entering the park and instantly shuts up as soon as he sees any coaster.

"I've ridden 1000 rides before!" Yet when Luffy asked him to go on a kids ride, Ussop's screaming is all you could hear. Ussop hugged Luffy the entire ride while closing his eyes.

After the ride, he yelled, "The great captain Ussop does it again!" Continuing to brag about how he "wasn't scared at all."

He was the bag holder. A proud one, in fact, he called himself "The BEST Bag Holder, Captain USSOP!"

The kids are afraid of him. They think he's crazy.

He also thinks the mascots are real and bonds with Luffy over them. Luffy and him bought matching mascot bunny ears.

During lunch, I'd imagine Luffy, Ussop, and Chopper to be like that "stop chewing so loud" audio. Chopper smacks his lips like crazy and Ussop gets so pissed he's tempted to slam aioli in his face.

But Luffy could and WOULD fold Ussop like a chip bag just to protect Chopper.

ZORO: Luffy dragged him onto a roller-coaster before he could even register where he was at. He pretends to chill the whole ride, but deep down, he's screaming on the inside.

He fell asleep on the kids rides and the children thought he died.

Goes to the merchandise stores to find anything sharp, like keys or fake prop swords. He added them to his "collection."

Won every rigged carnival game and ended up bringing home 20 different large plushies.

He got lost in the crowd after a show/parade and had to be pulled out by Nami or Sanji. Also got lost in ride waiting lines and somehow found a way to get to the ride exit instead.

He had the goofiest ride photos. Either his face was completely pulled back by air, or his eyes were squinted as his mouth made a kiss face.

and that's all! thanks for reading. I'll make a 2nd part soon :)

[cryptidsurveys]

Monday, September 9th, 2024.

Yesterday 1) What was the weather like? Did it change your plans in any way? The majority of the day was sunny and the high was 90*F; however, it started to look a bit stormy as night rolled in (no rain, though). It didn't affect my plans.

2) What did you do yesterday, anyway? I was at the animal shelter from 8:00am-5:00pm. I was back in cattery until around 11:00am, but after that I made it my mission to reorganize the complete disaster that the laundry area had become (Kristen helped here and there as well). Went for lunch at 12:00pm and then it was back to cleaning. I think I was finally finished around 3:00pm. Then it was the usual afternoon cattery stuff until closing. Drove home, took a shower, put in some laundry, had dinner with my dad, cleaned litterboxes, and got ready for bed.

3) Did you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner? What did you have? Breakfast was my usual oatmeal concoction and coffee. Lunch was a sandwich with peanut butter and cinnamon & sugar cream cheese, grapes, chips, and a mini Almond Joy. Dinner was a salad topped with some of the leftover chicken nachos my dad brought home the other day.

4) Did you do some form of exercise? What? I was on my feet and cleaning pretty much all day long.

5) Who did you spend the most time with? Kristen and River (coworkers).

6) What television shows or movies did you watch? I didn't watch any. I actually brought a book to read during my lunch breaks, though - A Short History Of The World by H. G. Wells. Obviously dated and somewhat inaccurate based on what we know now, but nice because the chapters so far seem to come in bite-sized chunks. Easy to read a bit and then get back to work.

7) What time did you get up and go to bed? I think I woke up sometime around 4:30am, but I got up around 5:35am. I was in bed around 7:00pm.

8) What was the best bit about yesterday? Paris (vet tech) was back!!! She was gone for 2-3 weeks after a cat bit her hand and caused a whole harrowing infection. I missed her chaotic energy. Cleaning up the laundry area was an extremely satisfying accomplishment as well.

9) What about the worst? Nothing all that bad happened. In fact, after the last couple of weeks (Saturday in particular - suffice it to say that shit went down lmao), yesterday was a blessed reminder of why I do love the animal shelter.

10) Did you talk to anyone on the phone? Who? Why? No.

Today 1) What time did you get up? Same as yesterday.

2) What are your plans for today? I was at the animal shelter from 7:40am-12:00pm. My dad came in to do laundry as well - for the first time in idk…weeks…months…? Came home, showered, ate lunch and chatted with my dad, cleaned the kitchen, and now I'm here.

3) Have you eaten any meals yet? What did you have? Breakfast was oatmeal. Lunch was a sandwich and mixed veggies. Snack following this survey will be fruit, yogurt, and pumpkin spice cereal. Dinner might be a salad if I don't end up having the same thing I had for lunch.

4) Are you planning on seeing your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend? Oh, this reminds me - I need to check/respond to a message from Oliver.

5) Does your favorite television show air today? N/a.

6) Have you spoken to your parents yet? I've spoken to my dad. I haven't spoken to my mom - but this also reminds me - we need to call her later and see where she wants to go for lunch this Thursday.

7) How many texts have you received? Zero.

8) Are you planning on going to bed early? Early by average standards, but probably right on time according to my own.

9) Have you done anything remotely productive today? Yes and frankly I'm sick of it!!!! ;D

10) How much money did you spend so far? Are you planning on spending more later? I haven't spent any money yet, nor do I plan on spending any later.

Tomorrow 1) What time do you have to get up tomorrow? I don't have to be up by a specific time because I'm taking tomorrow OFF. I would normally be at the shelter for a full day, but - you guys - I absolutely cannot tolerate another day alone with Alex. Even with the buffer of other people, she's become insufferable. The 21st can't come soon enough, but it's like the closer that date gets, the worse she gets. Pray for me, y'all. Gimme those thoughts and prayers. Gimme those condolences. Gimme whatever you GOT.

2) What do you hope the weather will be like? Hope…ahh. That's probably all it will amount to. But cloudy, cool, drizzly…basically like last Thursday.

3) Is there anything you’re dreading about tomorrow? No.

4) Is there anything important you need to do, or can you just relax? I want to catch up on some housecleaning, but otherwise it should be a relaxing day.

5) Do you have plans to see your friends? No.

6) What do you hope will happen tomorrow? Nothing in particular. Just chill stuff. Hang out with my dad and kitties, make some art, listen to some YouTube…

7) Are you going to wake up at home, or somewhere else? At home.

8) If you don’t have any plans, what do you think you’ll end up doing? Already mentioned.

9) Do you have to get a work out in at some point? No.

10) Will you be working or studying at all? No.

[in-the-abyss]

Tips for chronic nausea

So I usually don't do this but I'm on a three hour bus ride so. Fun fact about me! I used to have constant nausea, all the time. This was because of my anxiety, but it can be caused my plenty of other things (so fun! /s): migraines, autism, sensory processing disorders, mental illnesses, chronic conditions, motion sickness... And it's something I don't see people talking about, so here you have some tips that helped me when I felt nauseous. Under a read more because it got too long.

1. Sleeping. So so so important, and what actually helped me get better. Get at least eight or nine hours of sleep. It sucks, I know, but it does help your body feel better, so it doesn't hurt to try. If you can't get a full night's sleep because of insomnia, try taking a thirty minute nap halfway through the day to get a little burst of energy.

2. Breathing. People will tell you this again and again, but what my autistic ass didn't understand was that you're not supposed to do this continuously. One or two deep breaths can help a little bit, but don't do it a lot or you'll get dizzy.

3. Comfort foods. Eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating nothing at all. Repeat with me: Eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating nothing at all. While I was suffering from hunger and nausea, I found that crunchy, salty food was easier to eat than other things. So if I couldn't eat anything else I resorted to potato chips. Not the healthiest, but it was something. Eat things you enjoy! Don't worry too much about the nutrients, but also, sugar and protein are really really important. Fruits and nuts, if you can eat them, are a must. I can't eat nuts because of the texture, so I used to eat lots of toast with peanut butter and pb&j sandwiches (crunchy + carbs and protein). Also, a little bit embarrassing, but I used to eat baby food because it had important nutrients and I didn't have to chew it, so it wasn't too overwhelming. Lastly, drink lots of liquids that aren't water! Juice, milk, protein shakes, etc. It makes you feel full while being easier to eat!

4. Small meals. Next to sleeping, this is the one tip that helped me the most. Instead of having three big meals, try spreading them into smaller, more frequent ones. Feeling full sometimes made me feel sick, so I ate like six or seven times a day, hobbit style. If you can't finish your dish, eat half and eat the rest an hour or two later. There's no shame in eating pizza at six in the afternoon! Also, try eating more slowly, even if you have to reheat your food three times. Take your time, there's no rush.

5. Distractions. What it says on the tin. Talking with friends or family members, even if it's about something unrelated to your symptoms, can help (Talking about your nausea is also important! It can feel a bit awkward or embarrassing at first, but if you bottle it up it can end up blowing up in your face. Even just writing it down can help). If you're alone (like I usually was) you can watch a TV show or a movie; I watched like two entire seasons of The Good Place to distract me from eating. I recommend something that makes you laugh, but if comedy is not your thing, I understand. If that isn't distracting enough try to do something that keeps your hands and mind occupied, like crochet (can't think about your nausea if you're busy counting stitches!), drawing, 3D modelling (I did this :D) or writing. If you're unable to do any of this because moving makes you feel sick (I've been there), try listening to some calm music or a podcast about a topic of your interest.

6. Pressure. I had a bad habit of gritting my teeth because of this. Hugging yourself (or being hugged if you can handle it), pressing your arms against your stomach, pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth etc. Clenching your jaw too, but it hurts your mouth so I don't recommend it.

7. Stimming. If you're autistic you know what I mean, but if you're not familiar with this, stimming is basically doing repetitive movements or sounds to soothe yourself and process stimuli. The stims I found that help the most with nausea are humming, singing, biting/chewing something, and pressure. Be careful if you bite or chew on your fingers though, don't get hurt!

8. Temperature. Stay in your comfortable range. If it's too hot or cold, don't go outside! Shaking or sweating makes nausea worse, at least for me.

9. Nice smells. I used to spend a lot of time in my room because I have an air freshener that smelled like flowers (jazmin if I remember correctly). Strong, bad smells can make you feel sick, so try surrounding yourself with soft and fresh smells, something that makes you feel good. There are a lot of options for air fresheners in supermarkets, so try to give them a smell before buying them.

10. Don't look at moving objects. Obvious, I know, but this applies to moving lights too. Don't look at your phone screen, and for the love of someone, don't play video games while nauseous. Close your eyes and lay down if you can. Focus on your breathing and leave your mind blank (for my ADHD peeps who can't do this, I found that imagining yourself explaining a topic of your interest to someone helps for some reason). Turning the lights off helps too.

This is the end of the post. If you have anything to add, don't hesitate to comment with your own tips. And lastly: It gets easier. Even if people don't understand what you're going through, I see your struggles. You are not alone.

[mercurys-messenger]

Tinder

"it's a victory just that you're eating"

That's what I tell myself, and it's not exactly a lie. It is good that I'm eating, after all it's an essential maintenance that everyone does. Although it is used against my wallet and my better judgement for a fast food burger or a nice sit down meal at a restaurant I'm probably not dressed quite for. But still I count it as a victory, because the fact that I'm eating is a glimmer of hope for me, after all when things get bad, when I truly, truly slip, my hunger leaves me.

When I fall into the muck ridden hole I often find myself in, food becomes much less of a priority.

Step 1: panic. Desperately clawing at the walls in hopes of finding a foothold, a root, any purchase I can find to pull myself free as I slide. Sometimes it works out, I find a way out before I fall to deeply. Other times I slow my fall enough to prep for the landing. Most times I find myself looking up from the bottom before I know I've fallen.

Step 2: assessment. How far down am I? Is there someone willing to help me get out around and able? Will it work at all or will the futile attempt simply frustrate us both? The last question is the hardest to parse. It takes the longest to figure out and a lot of times when I arrive at asking for help I've sunken much further and am faced with the constant response, "why did you wait so long to ask? It would've been easier if you had spoken up sooner." That reply has hurt me before so I'm careful with handling it, like a bomb that may send me sailing back to my pit. And sometimes despite my best efforts it does, but I always shield my helper from the blast, thinking at least this way only one of us is hurt.

Step 3: survival. If I am still lost in the muck either through my own refusal to speak or from not knowing the combination to the chains that keep me here so someone can help me out, I default to surviving. A simple task for most, but titanic looking from down in my hole. How can I hunger when I am so useless? How have I earned my food? They will say "it doesn't need to be earned" and that is a truth I've spent years begging myself to believe. But I can't. How can I believe in solid ground? In safety and comfort and warmth when I am surrounded by cold and danger and disgusting despair that sticks to my clothes and my hair and my hands, an almost sentient force seeking to pull me down and force me to join the mire. How from my vantage can I believe those things that I can't feel and won't feel for a while even if I manage my way out?

Step 5: the stars. I look up and see the stars shining with glimmers amidst an all consuming void. How can they do it? They are so small compared to the vastness that swallows them, and yet they survive. I see them as examples to follow and hold true to the thought in my heart that this life is worth it. Those faint glimmers is the inky void are worth continuing to look and to try. I calm my mind and know that one day I will back on the ground and I will feel safe again no matter how much this primordial void tried to swallow me.

And eventually I'm back on the ground, still covered in muck but back in a place where I can breathe again. I can start to clean myself.

People often call this life I lead a fight, and I appreciate the sentiment. "You are strong" they say, "your endurance is a feat" but they only see the aftermath, and think it a battle. It's closer to attrition. The earth lays seige against my body and I must focus fully on enduring it. They see my exhaustiom and think to themselves, "good good, the fight is over and now you can rest." It's written behind their words.

But the truth is my attrition never ends. I prep myself for the next time the earth will swallow me up, wonder if next time I will not be so lucky. I push the thought from my mind and gather pieces of tinder to warm myself with, to whether the coming storm. 'you ate today.' 'that chocolate was really good.' 'Your friends liked your outfit.' 'that song you found is great.' 'You told a good joke and coaxed some laughter from your friends.' These things are the tinder that lights a fire for me, helping me back to myself and shutting out the cold for a while. I gather them diligently, purposefully even when people ask why I waste my time with them. They are the thing that keeps me going, the fire whose memory keeps me fighting, my stars in the inky void.

The earth trembles, I know it's not done with me. One day it will try again. But for now,

This fire is warm, and this bread I'm eating is delicious.

[only-one-brain-cell]

Treacherous, a Bridgerton story Chapter 5

Summery: Aurora is preparing for a busy day ahead of her while doing a little unexpected snooping

Words: 2.7k

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12

Aurora

I smiled walking back into the Bridgerton home, Francesca was chasing after Gregory and Hyacinth, the two youngest Bridgertons seemed to be up to no good if I had to wager, but then again being up to no good seemed to run in the family.

"Woah woah whats going on? Hasn't your mother told you about running in the house?"

"Gregory tried to sneak into Anthony's office!" Hyacinth said once again picking and trying to outshine her older brother.

"Now Gregory is this true?" I asked crossing my arms over my chest.

"I just wanted to know what is so important in there. Anthony hides away all hours of the night in there, he doesn't even say good night to me anymore." My heart softened for Gregory who merely wanted the attention of his oldest brother. I bent down to be face to face with Gregory. "How about this? I'll talk to Anthony and see if I can convince him to spend more time with you. How does that sound?"

"That's not fair! I want to spend more time with Anthony too!" Hyacinth declared

"Of course I will tell him that his youngest siblings require his utmost attention."

"Can you ask him to tell us a story about father?" Gregory asked.

"I will most certainly try."

"I'd like to hear Aurora tell us a story." Francesca said.

"Oh? About what?" I asked standing up and walking away the three siblings behind me.

"Why your travels of course!"

"Get in line Fran!" I herd Colin shout from the top of the stairs.

"How about this? I have lunch and after that we all gather around and I'll tell you whatever you would like about my travels." Everyone smiled

"I'll tell Eloise!" Colin said right before he ran off in search he seemed to have noticed I have returned by myself.

"Wait where is Anthony?.... Or your maid?" It dawned on me that both of them did not enter the household yet.

"Oh, I seemed to have lost them on our ride back." Colin snicked. "You were always a faster rider."

"A fact he seemed to forget." I said walking towards the kitchen in search of lunch.

It seems the staff had already prepared my lunch already anticipating my arrival. I sat down at the table and a couple bites into my meal Anthony arrived with his lunch as well, Liz of course behind him.

"I see you finally arrived." Anthony huffed, annoyed at my smug comment. "I thought we were supposed to be riding together, not racing." I burst out laughing. "Oh Anthony I wasn't racing you." I stood up. "If we were racing why you wouldn't even see me until you crossed the finish line." I said boldly standing right in front of him, me at him and him back at me. Both of us are known to be competitive so when we do compete against one another all hell normally breaks loose.

"I'm not sure weather I want to argue with you or-

"Or what?" He leaned in and whispered

"Or take you on this very table."

"Anthony!" I said with a gasp.

"Sadly thanks to my mother we will rarely be alone."

"There's always tonight." I whispered.

"Now there's a idea, meet me here when everyone has gone to sleep." I nodded.

"Now look at me like I've said something to annoy you."

"That won't take much skill." I whispered then backed away.

"Now if you excuse me I'm going to eat my lunch if that's ok with you." I said annoyed.

"Very well." Anthony sat down next to me.

"Your unbelievable." I said stabbing my fork into my lettuce.

"If your only just finding that out then we aren't as close as I thought we were." I rolled my eyes Anthony smiled taking a bite of his own lunch. We ate in comfortable silence, well it was comfortable until Anthony's hand made its way up my dress, not risking anything with Liz still in the room it merely rested on my upper thigh. To anyone watching they would just assume Anthony's hand laid under the table on his own leg. Maybe that's what makes this arrangement even more exciting, the fact that Anthony and I have our ways with each other and despite the jabs and jokes from his family no one would suspect Anthony would act anything less then a gentleman. He didn't remove his hand until I finished my last sip of tea, giving it a affectionate squeeze before I stood up.

"I'm going to go tell your family all about your adventures. Care to join me?"

"I would love to."

"Good, oh also Gregory wants you to say good night to him, Hyacinth too. They also require a story about their father from you." Anthony froze, knowing this would be a tough subject for him I grabbed his hand.

"Hey, you don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing."

"But their my family. They deserve to hear stories about their father, especially Hyacinth."

"I will be there with you, simply lean on me if you have trouble continuing and I shall do it for you." He nodded. "Thank you"

"Of course now come, we must tell stories to your family." He didn't let go of my hand until we were at the doorway of the drawing room.

Laughter filled the drawing room as I finished another tale of my journeys.

"Why I would think being a lady, unmarried and traveling alone would be terrifying." Violet said

"No not at all, it is most thrilling indeed."

"Could I come with you on your next trip?" Colin asked

"If Colin is going I want to go too!" Eloise declared.

"That is entirely up to your mother." I said looking her way.

"Oh please mother I would love nothing more." Eloise said.

"Me too, I'll be on my best behaviour." Colin addd both of them started begging their mother to let them go.

"See now look what you started." Benedict said gesturing to them, I merely giggled.

"We can discuss this at another time." Violet said putting a end to the topic.

"Yes besides Aurora won't be leaving for some time." Anthony said looking my way. "Isn't that right Aurora."

"At least a month." I replied.

"Would you consider staying longer? Your welcome here as long as you'd like or at your family home. Maybe even settle down here and start a family." Lady Bridgerton suggested.

"I'm actually going to my family home tomorrow to start redecorating."

"I shall help you." Anthony sad.

"I would love that Anthony thank you, Benedict, Colin please come too there will be lots of things to be moved."

"We would love to." Anthony replied before anyone else could, I smiled.

"Excellent." I saw Colin whisper something to Benedict then Benedict whispered back from what I herd was "because he's wiped." I must have herd right because Anthony gripped Benedict's shoulder. I tried to stifle my laugh.

"Why do you have to go back to your family home? Francesca asked. "You'll be all alone,why can't you stay here?"

"Because, as thankful as I am that your mother has allowed me to stay with you all. I am not a Bridgerton, I am staying here as a guest."

"But you lived here before." Eloise said

"Eloise." Lady Bridgerton said in a tone that told her to stop talking.

"That was different." I said, "plus I am older now and I won't be alone. I'll have a house of staff there and you will come and visit me."

"Oh mother can we?"

"Yes of course, after the renovations are complete we will visit." I smiled

"I might even through a ball. One that might outshine Lady Danbury." Everyone laughed

"Speaking of Lady Danbury she's stoping by tomorrow morning, she wants to have tea with you Aurora." Lady Bridgerton informed me

My eyes widened "me? Why?"

"Why not?" Lady Bridgerton replied just then one of the staff walked in carrying a letter on a sliver tray. "For Lady Hathaway." I took it off the tray.

"Who's it from?" Eloise asked

"I don't- I flipped over to open it only to see the Queens seal, my hands started shaking.

"It's from the Queen."

"Open it!" Eloise shouter I all but ripped the letter open.

Dear Lady Hathaway

It has come to my attention that you have returned to London. I would be most thrilled if you and Lord Bridgerton joined me for tea tomorrow afternoon at 1 o'clock sharp. I shall see you both very soon.

Your Majesty,

The Queen

"What does it say?" Eloise asked as I stood up and started pacing around the room.

"She wa- wants-

"Wants what?!" Eloise asked unable to be patient while I tried to stutter out the Queens request.

"Maybe you should sit down." Colin suggested. He stood up and guided me back to my seat. "Here sit and take deep breaths." I listened and felt myself relax with each breath.

"She wants to have tea with me tomorrow."

"WHAT?!" Everyone exclaimed

"Anthony she wants you to come to."

"Me? Why?"

"It seems even the Queen has read Lady Whistledowns newest article this morning." Benedict said grinning at Anthony.

"I need to get a new dress." I realized. I stood up and turned to Liz.

"We must make haste at once."

"Yes my lady."

"What about your family home?" Anthony asked

"I'll go the next day, you will still help me yes?"

"Of course"

"Good, ok Liz let's go."

"I think it would be a good idea for you to get a new suit."

"I am not a child mother, I can make choices especially ones concerning my clothes myself." I snicked

"Better get it ready for tomorrow." I said

"Don't you have a dress shop to get to?" He asked I raised my eyebrow, he'll hear about this tonight."

"You think you can just order me around? Im not your sister Anthony."

"And we don't even listen to him." Eloise said

"I only ment-

"Good bye Anthony. I'll see you later, come on Liz." I left without another word. If he thinks he can order me around then he's got another thing coming.

Anthony

"Very smooth." Benedict said looking up from his drawing."

"What? She said she was going to get a new dress."

"It's not what you said it's how you said it." Mother replied. "Aurora is not a child anymore, she is a young lady and you must treat her as such, now go get a new suit for the Queen." I sighed, "yes mother." I could practically hear Benedict and Colins remarks about this despite both of them being quiet.... For now.

Aurora

"Any ideas on what kind of dress you would like?" Liz asked when we entered the shop.

"I have a few ideas." I said walking around I noticed Penelope with her maid.

"Penelope!" She turned to me with a smile

"Aurora, what a coincidence. What brings you here?" I couldn't contain my excitement or perhaps it was nerves either way I wanted to tell someone about tea with the Queen, heck I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.

"I got a letter from the Queen this morning, she wants me to have tea with her tomorrow, well me and Anthony, so I'm here getting a new dress."

"We must hurry then." Madame Delacroix said coming out from around a corner. "You have changed since I last saw you Lady Hathaway."

"I've herd traveling does that to a person."

"That must be it, come we don't have a lot of time." She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards some dresses Liz hot on my heels.

"Come on! The more the merrier." I called back to Penelope.

The next thing I know is that several dresses where being thrown in my direction and I was ordered to to change into them immediately.

"So is is it just you going to this tea?" Madame asked from the other side of the changing room.

"No actually Lord Bridgerton is coming too."

"It seems the two of you have caught the queens eye oui? Is he by any chance courting you?" I stepped out of my old dress and started to change into the new one. "Absolutely not, we are childhood friends he sees me like like a sister." Up until recently anyways.

"If I may my lady you did seem to have a lot of fun going horseback ridding with Lord Bridgerton this morning.”

"Yeah because I'm faster then him, he knows it and he's a sore looser."

"But a attractive one non?" Madame asked I felt my heart race and I'm sure if I looked in a mirror right now I would see myself blushing.

"He is I will admit that. Just as long as it doesn't make it back to him or any of his siblings. Trust me I'll never hear the end of it." I said

"Your secret is safe with me." Penelope said

After what felt like hours of me walking in and out of a changing room looking to Penelope, Madame Delacroix and Liz for their opinions it came down to a few that I couldn't decided between so I just took them all. Of course they needed to be altered but Madame Delacroix promised I would have them by tomorrow. Just when I was paying I herd the door open, I paid no mind to who walked in until I herd Madame address them.

"Miss Rosso come on in I'll be with you." Rosso as in- I looked up and there stood Sienna Rosso.

"No take your time Madame Delacroix:" Sienna began pacing around stopping to look at some ribbons.

"Here is your change Lady Hathaway." Siennas head shot up I smiled and said in the nicest voice I could muster.

"Thank you Madame Delacroix, I'll have Elizabeth here stop by tomorrow for my dresses." All three of us walked out the door, both Penelope and Liz seemed confused why my mood changed so much but neither one asked me. I wanted to go back, to see if I could find out more about Sienna without anyone finding out and it getting back to Anthony, I could already see his smug smile now. A smile that drives me insane, I stay awake at night thinking about that  smile. About how he rarely smiles anymore but that smug smile appears every once and a while and lately I seem to be the cause of it.

"My lady are you ok?" Elizabeth asked I dug through my purse trying to think of a excuse to go back there

"Yeah it seems that I think I might have lost my lipstick, I might have dropped it in the shop."

"I'll come back with you." Liz volunteered

"No thank you please go wait in the carriage, both of you and we will give you a ride home Penelope. After all I do still owe you a story, just give me 5 minutes. Both of them nodded as I turned my back to them and ran off in the direction off the shop.

When I got back I creaked open the door, trying to make my appearance unknown and to see if Sienna put the pieces together.

"So that's Lady Hathaway? She seems... lovely, according to Lady Whistledown her and Lord Bridgerton were dancing the night away just last night." Oh we did more then just dance , what I wouldn't give to rub it in her face that me and Anthony are....frequently fucking on every surface possible and she's not anymore.

"Since when have you cared about what Lady Whistledown writes?"

"I don't, usually." Sienna replied.

"So your jealous then? Of  Lady Hathaway and Lord Bridgerton?"

"I am not! I am.... Curious" I backed away once again closing the door quietly before walking away with a little bit more pep in my step. I don't know why I felt the need to ease drop on Anthony's ex mistress but I couldn't help but feel satisfaction that she was "curious" of me and Anthony. I am with him now and she may never have him again, I found myself smiling the entire time back to the carriage.

"Did you find your lipstick?" Penelope asked

"Oh yes I did." I replied

"Good, I can't stand loosing a good lipstick."

"Me either." I replied

[kaptain-k-pop]

[?] Days of K-ristmas: Day 6*

aka

The K-List: #15

*(if you have no idea what I'm talking abt with this "[?] Days of K-ristmas" thing the very longwinded explanation is here lmao)

She's In The Rain

The Rose

Okay okay, I know this is another title track, probably one of their most famous so everyone who knows about The Rose knows about this song already

But I wanna talk about it anyway bc this is my blog and I can do what I want it's a really important song for me that stuck with me from the first time I heard it and I just wanna gush about it and talk about that

So some of my moots who have followed me since before last April may know this story already because I mentioned it in a post at the time, but last spring I was in a really bad place. I was having a really stressful semester and going through a lot of inner conflict about my future. My roommate had moved out (not because of any conflict! She just wanted to live somewhere cheaper, which is valid!) meaning I was living alone in a two person dorm, which was actually really bad for my health because without anyone else around I wasn't taking good care of myself or my environment. My sleep '''''schedule''''' was non-existent and there were many times when I was pulling all nighters or skipping meals to work on things. My group of college friends had all moved off campus, so even when I did remember/make time to go eat in the student center I ate alone. The fact that I was so worried about school meant I never really made plans with those friends either because I was always beating myself up for not focusing enough on my coursework. I was pretty much completely isolating myself and I spent most of my time alone in my dorm -- which you may recall, I wasn't taking good care of -- and being in that environment only made me feel worse about myself. I felt so depressed and unproductive in such a messy place, but I couldn't make time to get my environment in order because I had coursework I needed to do... but I couldn't efficiently work on my coursework because I felt so depressed and unproductive in the environment I created and around and around (it's also really difficult for me to focus in public places/around other people because I get easily distracted, so I didn't really have a good place to work other than my dorm). My irl best friend (aka my main source of support and physical affection) and my family were 2 hours away and I was completely touch starved. And I rarely went home on the weekend or left my dorm at all because I felt like every moment I wasn't trying to be productive I was being lazy. Both my mental and physical health were absolute trash. And I knew I was in a bad place but I had no idea how to get myself out. I felt like I had no time or energy to take any major steps to improve my situation.

I went home for Easter break. Three days of focusing on family instead of school and acting like I wasn't spending the whole time worrying about all the stressful things I would have to deal with when I got back.

During my 2 hour drive back to school Monday night I was keeping myself company with my Spotify playlists as usual and eventually Spotify began playing me "recommended radio"

And it was at this time that I heard She's in The Rain for the very first time

My first thoughts were that it sounded like an amazing song, but even despite the language barrier I could tell that it was a very emotional song so I was thinking it might not be the best thing to listen to when I was already feeling so down

And then Woosung's voice in perfect English in the last verse:

"You wanna hurt yourself, I'll stay with you

You wanna make yourself go through the pain

It's better to be held than holding on"

completely struck me in the heart and I pulled over into the next gas station and cried.

I'm not in that same situation anymore and I've been taking steps since then to try to get myself to a better place and improve my health. And living at home now with my family (and my best friend living 5 minutes away) and not feeling so isolated anymore has been a huge part of that

Hearing those words that night really struck a chord with me. It is better to confide your troubles in people and to be vulnerable and let yourself be held by someone who cares about you than to be just trying to hold on all by yourself. And the way the last chorus changes from "She's in the rain" to "We're in the rain" is such a beautiful ending as well as a perfect metaphor. When you're struggling your friends can't always do anything to get you out of that situation no matter how much they want to. But they can be there to try to support you and stand in the rain with you so that you don't have to go through hard times all alone

(this post is so long now and it's mostly just been about me and not the song I'm sorry ajdjksla)

But I also just wanna say that this song is so beautiful! It's really a masterpiece imo

The way that it starts out with just the acoustic guitar and Woosung's voice is so simple and pretty (and I thought it was a violin but then I realized maybe it was the bass but I swear I hear violin too idk maybe it's in the backing track or something?? am I crazy? lmk) and then the drums and everything really coming in almost halfway through the song after the first verse??? 😔👌👌👌

One of the things I love about Korean songs in when the singer is able to convey the emotion of a song with their voice and make you feel despite the language barrier. Woosung has one of the best examples of this. His voice is so unique, just hearing it can tug at your heartstrings even if you don't actually know what the words he's saying mean (which also makes it a 1 hit KO when he DOES say something in English ajdjksla) the way his voice literally makes him sound like he's on the verge of tears throughout the whole song really enhances it so much

(Dojoon has such a pretty voice too!! It's been a while since I've head it since he didn't sing on RED and I've been listening to a lot of other groups but yeah after listening to this song again to pick out all the parts to put in this post I'm reminded of how good he sounds in it 😔🙏 bless)

So I'll try to just wrap it up now since I've talked a lot: The Rose is such a good band and this is such a good song and the lyrics are so beautiful (you should look up the full translation if you haven't!)

Okay. That's all. I love this song, and if you've read this far I love you!!!!

[eternal-echoes]

I've not read Evola (yet), but what do you find most objectionable about him? His occultism? His fascism? I don't really know what he believes, so I'm not really sure how far he takes fascism (and that word seems so empty these days I always become skeptical when I see people use it).

I hope I can thwart your plans to read the works of Julius Evola. 

Just kidding. I don’t believe in censorship. But if you are a Christian, I would suggest that you make sure you have a clear understanding of Christian ethics before you read any secular, pagan, or any non-Christian philosophers so you can criticize their work adequately. What I see among traditional Christians who read Evola is that they tend to deify him. As a Catholic, the teachings of the Catholic Church should guide and shape your worldview, since the Catholic Church has the fullness of Truth. So I’ll criticize him from that perspective.

I’m not sure if Julius Evola supported fascism. I’ve read about him criticizing fascism from the Right. I’ve also been told that he supports localized fascism, whatever that means. I don’t think it matters since there are Christians who supports clerical fascism, never mind the fact that none of the clerical fascists are canonized and no longer have successors in power. 

These are some of his quotes that are antithetical to the Christian worldview: 

This doesn’t correspond with Christianity because as Christians, we’re suppose to share the Gospel to those who do not know Christ. 

Ezekiel 3: 17-21

Thus the word of the Lord came to me: Son of man, I have appointed you a watchman for the house of Israel. When you hear a word from my mouth, you shall warn them for me. If I say to the wicked man, You shall surely die; and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his wicked conduct so that he may live: that wicked man shall die for his sin, but I will hold you responsible for his death. If, on the other hand, you have warned the wicked man, yet he has not turned away from his evil nor from his wicked conduct, then he shall die for his sin, but you shall save your life. If a virtuous man turns away from virtue and does wrong when I place a stumbling block before him, he shall die. He shall die for his sin, and his virtuous deeds shall not be remembered; but I will hold you responsible for his death if you did not warn him. When, on the other hand, you have warned a virtuous man not to sin, and he has in fact not sinned, he shall surely live because of the warning, and you shall save your own life. 

While there is a hierarchy in the Church, the people in the bottom, namely the lay faithful, do not serve the higher up clergies such as the Bishops and the Pope. In reality, the Bishops and the Pope are there to serve the faithful, to lead us to Christ. Even though Jesus was highest among the Apostles, he got down and washed their feet. 

Philippians 2: 6 - 11

Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus, 

Who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God 

something to be grasped. 

Rather, he emptied himself, 

taking the form of a slave, 

coming in human likeness; 

and found human in appearance, 

he humbled himself, 

becoming obedient to death, 

even death on a cross. 

Because of this, God greatly exalted him

and bestowed on him the name 

that is above every name, 

that at the name of Jesus

every knee should bend, 

of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 

and every tongue confess that 

Jesus Christ is Lord, 

to the glory of God the Father. 

“Traditionalism is the most revolutionary ideology of our time.” - Julius Evola 

There is actually a scene in the Gospel when Jesus condemned the Pharisees and the scribe for caring about the tradition of their elders way more than they care about morality. 

Matthew 15: 1 - 20

Then the Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus from Jerusalem and said, “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They do not wash their hands when they eat a meal.” He said to them in reply, “And why do you break the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and ‘Whoever curses father or mother shall die.’ But you say, ‘Whoever says to father or mother, “Any support you might have had from me is dedicated to God,” need not honor his father,’ You have nullified the word of God for the sake of your tradition. Hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy about you when he said: 

‘This people honors me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; 

in vain do they worship me, 

teaching as doctrines human precepts’”

He summoned the crowd and said to them, “Hear and understand. It is not what enters one’s mouth that defiles that person; but what comes out of the mouth is what defiles one.” Then his disciples approached and said to him, “Do you know that the Pharisees took offense when they heard what you said?” He said in reply, “Every plant that my heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. Let them alone; they are blind guides of the blind. If a blind person leads a blind person, both will fall into a pit.” Then Peter said to him in reply, “Explain this parable to us.” He said to them, “Are even you still without understanding? Do you not realize that everything that enters the mouth passes into the stomach and is expelled into the latrine? But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, unchastity, theft, false witness, blasphemy. These are what defile a person, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile.” 

That’s the thing that I’ve noticed about Julius Evola, he doesn’t seem to believe in the intrinsic value of morality. He’s a consequentialist. 

“The Hindus and Far Easterners do not have the notion of ‘sin’ in the Semitic sense; they distinguish actions not according to their intrinsic value but according to their opportuneness in view of cosmic or spiritual reactions, and also of social utility they do not distinguish between ‘moral’ and ‘immoral,’ but between advantageous and harmful, pleasant and unpleasant, normal and abnormal, to the point of sacrificing the former - but apart from any ethical classification - to spiritual interests. They may push renunciation, abnegation, and mortification to the limits of what is humanly possible, but without being ‘moralists’ for all that.” - Julius Evola, Ride the Tiger. 

He judges actions not by their intrinsic value but if the outcome of it will be good or bad. That’s what I’ve noticed about the Alt-Right, they would meme about gassing, beheading, or physically removing people who either have lifestyles or believes in an ideology that could undermine the propagation of their race. Richard Spencer doesn’t believe in the morality of abortion. In fact, he believes in functional eugenics. He’s totally fine with people of color using abortion and even white people aborting babies with down syndrome. Christianity respect the dignity of each person no matter who they are. Christianity teaches that you can never use someone as a means to an end, even if that end will be good for the collective. You cannot undermine individual human rights for the sake of collective race. Jesus taught mercy. He ate with sinners and told them to repent. He didn’t ostracized them.  

This has been pretty long enough, I hope I was able to show you how you should proceed with caution when reading Evola. 

Let me just say this before I get accused of being for multiculturalism, I’m not against nationalism. I support border controls and fighting a defensive war. What bugs me is secular nationalism. It just tends not to be concern about the salvation of people. Poland and Hungary are perfect examples of using nationalism as a means to serve God.