#or wide receiver

[dailymothanon]

I can’t believe he so totally inherited his mama Ravage’s cat eyes 😌 the half blindness was just because I could honestly (purely experimental I doubt this is the face I’d keep for him exactly); but if you were to squint you could say that his intense hearing/telepathy from the intense and constant inputs caused migraines (or from the stress of all the inputs) that caused it to go blind (yes migraines can do that), Or simply he had damaged his optic way long ago and having been on the streets And near insanity it simply was left untreated 😌

But I have heard that bats when they use their vision (at least for shorter distances) instead of echolocation they do actually tend to crash more frequently cuz the visual inputs mess up their audial information… figured it could be the same for Soundwave, where being half blind actually makes him feel more comfortable since he hears so intensely

Also I wasn’t sure how a cybertronian’s eye would get cloudy so. I did one way here the pupil would just fade severely/just about offline completely, and another referencing actual animal blind cat eyes

[joeyfranchise]

all eyes on you, all eyes on us

joe burrow x fem!reader

summary: it’s halloween night, time to dress up with your best friend and get your party on. all is well until you see your ex at the party, the emotions rush back in… but he fits you like a missing puzzle piece. you keep letting him back in, he’s doing a number on you.

warnings: MDNI i’m sooo serious i love to block. semi-public sex, groping, hickeys, scratching, pinv, dirty talk.

word count: 3.3k.

note: this fic is based off the song So It Goes… by T. Swift! requested by my sweet friend @starsinthesky5! i also wanted to add a halloween element to it.. i hope you guys like it! (something funny in the tags hehe) (i do not own any pics used!!)

you could feel the bass of the music bumping through the floor, radiating through your feet and up your legs as your best friend pulled you deeper into the club.

she took your hand in hers, leading you through the sea of sweaty bodies to an open area in the room, somewhere the two of you could dance and let loose.

“you need this!” she assured you while you got ready. her claims were that recently you’ve been too uptight, you’ve been shouldering too much. and it’s halloween, so you need to have fun.

you agreed to come to the party, and even in matching costumes. she looked incredible in a dress identical to yours, but hers was white with gold fringe hanging from a slit in the leg. she wore a halo, gold jewelry, and red lips to match.

your dress was black with silver fringe, and rather than necklaces or bracelets you decided on two silver cuffs that sat tightly on your biceps. you painted glitter highlights on your cheekbones, and a dark maroon stain on your lips. you clipped two black horns into your hair at the top of your head. classic angel and devil costumes… but you didn’t care. you both felt good.

she finally stopped walking, dropping your hand as she stood in a vacant spot near the back of the club. there was a smoky haze that settled across the room, illuminated by the neon lights that were strung along the ceiling and the walls. you couldn’t quite make out the song that was on, but the beat was nice and you swayed your body along with it. you weren’t sure if you’d know anyone else here, but you were hoping to meet someone, even if just for a night of fun.

your friend was right. you needed to let loose. have fun. get laid.

“i’m gonna go get us a shot!” she yelled over the music, reaching over to squeeze your shoulder. your eyes followed her as she walked to one side of the bar, which wasn’t that far from you. she leaned over to speak to the bartender and then gestured back to you, presumably telling him why she wanted two shots. you locked eyes with him and - whoa. he was hot.

he smirked at you, eyes raking over your body, before looking back at your friend. his salt and pepper hair and stubble told you he was older - nearing his forties if you had to guess. he turned to grab a bottle of vodka off the shelf behind him and you ogled his form as you watched the muscles in his back and arms ripple. when he turned around, he looked back at you again. he poured the shots and your friend grabbed them, walking back over to you with her mouth wide open.

she handed yours to you and you both downed them, discarding the cups on a small table nearby. “the bartender is a total dilf!” she laughed, grabbing on to your shoulders. “totally!” you agreed, looking up to check him out again. “he was totally feeling you, babe!” she smiled. you weren’t focused on anything she said.

the bartender was now making a drink for a tall man, dressed in an all black suit. you couldn’t see the front of him, but you didn’t need to. you knew it was your ex. you could tell by his posture, the utter confidence in which he carried himself. joey fucking burrow.

flashback to your break-up

“you’re so difficult to deal with, you know that?” joe spoke, the way he sat made him look defensive. you held back tears as he threw complaints your way.

“we’re in public, joe. you’re not a fucking walk in the park!” you finally speak up, tilting your head at him to show him you wouldn’t back down. the chatter and soft music that floated through the restaurant weren’t doing enough to hide that the two of you were arguing. “this relationship hasn’t been working for a while, but it’s not just on me. you’re a diva sometimes. you make things difficult.”

he let out a snarky laugh, tipping his head back. his hand flexed on the glass he was holding, threatening to crunch it right then before he loosened his grip. you weren’t even sure what had started this fight, but you’d been at odds with each other recently, so it could have been anything. but when joe brought up working it out, you told him you weren’t sure you wanted to, which led you here. a fancy dinner in a quaint restaurant where everyone could see you falling apart.

“maybe you’re right. maybe it isn’t worth trying to work out. lets throw the last six months down the drain.” he said, his tone smarmy. he widened his eyes at you as he spoke, placing the ball in your court. the waiter came over to ask you how everything was, but he didn’t get a single word out as he took the two of you in, your anger and emotions sitting on the table rather than your meals.

“i’m sorry i just.. i don’t think this is working. i think our personalities clash too much.”

to be honest, you felt caged in. you felt like a hostage to your feelings, but you weren’t sure exactly why. sometimes joe’s barriers were difficult to break through, and you had an idea that was something that was breaking you down.

joe never had the intention of making you feel that way. he didn’t want to push you away, but he wasn’t the best at displaying his emotions. his temper was getting shorter and shorter. he had the tendency to take things out on you, and he hated it. but, if you wanted out, he couldn’t stop you.

neither of you said a word for the rest of your meal, the tension was palpable from across the table. he paid for dinner, although you offered, and you climbed into his car quickly so he could take you home.

he pulled into your drive, parking the car before leaning over the console to look at you. you felt stifled, the air in the car was thick with anger, sadness, regret. you grabbed the door handle and popped it open, but before you could get away joe grabbed your hand, turning you back to face him. you leaned into the car, waiting for his spiel.

“i’m sorry for making you feel upset. i’m sorry i couldn’t have been more for you.” tears spilled down your cheeks finally, all your emotions were rolling down your face leaving salty stains in your makeup.

he continued. “i really am sorry, i love you.” he said, looking down at the wheel.

“so it goes…” you respond, pulling your hand away and walking inside.

end of flashback

joe must’ve felt your eyes burning holes into the back of his head, because he turned around and smirked at you, catching you staring at him.

he took his drink from the bartender and walked away, back toward his group of friends. you tried to push him out of your mind and let loose anyway. you danced with your friend through five or six songs, and the thought of joe being at the party almost became a distant memory.

after a little while you were feeling hot, a sticky sheen of sweat coated your whole body. “i’m gonna gef some water!” you told your friend. you made your way to the bar, slightly excited to talk to the extremely hot bartender.

you sat down on one of the stools and waited for him to get finished making someone else’s cocktail so he could attend to you. he shook their drink in the mixer, poured it, then finally looked your way. a goofy lopsided smile spread over his lips as he walked closer.

“what can i getcha?” he drawls, leaning over the bar on his elbows. his face is now inches from your own, but you don’t mind it. he looks even better up close. “just some water, please. i’m just a little hot.”

he turns and grabs a bottle of water from a mini-fridge behind him, placing it on the bar in front of you. you unscrew the cap and take a long sip, accidentally letting a drop fall from the corner of your mouth and slide down your neck. you know he sees it, but he doesn’t mention it. after you finish drinking, you place the bottle down, twisting the cap back on.

the bartender starts speaking to you again. “i really like your costume, by the way. i saw you when you came in and… woah. you’re gorgeous. i’m j-” he begins to tell you his name, but he’s cut off.

“she doesn’t care what your name is, buddy. she’s my girl.” joe snaps. he must have seen you flirting with the man behind the bar and made his way over. “i’m not your girl, joey.”

he places a hand on your arm, running his fingers along the silver cuff. “‘can we go talk for a moment?” he asks you, tone sounding oddly soft. the bartender looks back and forth between you. “i can have him thrown out.” he says, completely seriously. “it’s okay,” you tell him, reaching across to pat his shoulder. “i’ll go talk and be right back.”

you hop off the barstool, ready to walk away with joe, but then you remember your friend. your eyes scan the room to find her and you aren’t shocked to see her making out with one of joe’s friends. “she’ll be fine.” joe says, taking your hand and leading you through the crowd. he stops in the middle of the dance floor, pulling you close against him as you allow him to take the lead, moving along with the music.

“very fitting costume.” he smirks, looking you up and down. “what are you supposed to be?” you ask.

he reaches his hand in his pocket, pulling something out. he holds up a white masquerade style mask. “a magician.”

he lifts it up to his face, putting it on with the strap going around his head. he’s smirking. curse the phantom of the opera for making you think this costume style was hot. his hands find your hips, pulling your body closer to his. it’s like you can feel every set of eyes in the room on you. joe feels you tense up and watches you as you scan the room.

“i promise all eyes aren’t on us, babe.” he whispers. “but i think they are.” you reply. “what did you even want to talk to me about?” you ask, pushing at his chest to create some distance between you.

“i miss you.”

you scoff out a laugh. he misses you? he knows this’ll never work. joe cradles your face in his hands. “you know we don’t work, joey.” you argue, once again trying to pull away from him. “we don’t,” he agrees, small smile playing at his lips, “but the sex does.”

you can’t disagree with him on that front. “why try to find some random stranger to sleep with when i’m here, when i know your body and what you like?” he challenges, leaning down so his lips are ghosting over yours. he’s right.

you don’t give it any more consideration. you don’t allow yourself time to back out. you smash your lips into his with fervor, your arms wrapping around his neck. he kisses you back with just as much intensity before pulling away, grabbing your hand and leading you through the club again.

“where are you taking me?” you ask him breathlessly. “one of the private rooms.”

he pulls you through a beaded curtain that hangs on a doorway, roughly pushing you up against a wall. “i’m not fucking you on one of those beds or couches or whatever they are. that’s so unsanitary.” you protest.

“i know that. that’s why were gonna do it against the wall.” he smirks.

“anyone could walk in here and find us!” you say, worried about being caught. “let loose, that’s what makes it fun, baby.”

his lips find your neck, biting and sucking at the skin. “jump.” he murmurs. you hop up and wrap your legs around his waist. you reach up and pull his mask off, tossing it somewhere across the room. your fingers tangle in his dirty blonde curls.

his grip is firm as he holds you against the wall. you tug on his hair, bringing his lips back up to yours. he slips his tongue into your mouth, sliding it against yours. you can feel him straining against his dress pants as his hips roll upward into yours.

“joey, fuck me.” you breathe, your voice hoarse. he chuckles at you. “still so eager for it, huh?” he teases.

he uses one of his arms to press you into the wall, sliding his other hand up your dress and tugging at your panties. when he realizes this angle won’t work, he drops you back down til your feet are on the floor and helps you step out of the lacy black thong. he shoves it in his back pocket before standing up, telling you to jump again. his hand bunches up your dress, exposing your bare core to him.

he kisses you again, one of his hands working to undo his belt and pants. you glance down slightly, watching as he pulls his thick cock from his pants. your arms remain around his neck, your forehead pressed to his shoulder. he brings his hand up to his mouth, spitting on it before reaching down to run his fingers through your folds, not that you really needed it.

from seeing him in the costume, the thrill of potentially getting caught, and knowing that he knows just how to get you there, you’re soaked. he takes his cock in his hands, sliding it through your folds before finally pushing into you, inch by inch. you gasp at the size, even though you know from plenty of experience exactly what he feels like.

the air in the room is thick as he begins thrusting into you. the sheer force of his hips slamming into yours is holding you against the wall, but you still help him remove his jacket anyway, and you pop the buttons on his shirt as he bites and sucks at your neck again. you’re satisfied when you can finally get your hands in enough to rake your nails along his back. if he plans on marking your neck, you’re going to tear his back up with your freshly manicured nails.

“fuck, you feel so good. so tight.” he says, tongue soothing over a mark he left on your neck. “i’m so full, joey.” you reply, finally pulling him up to look into your eyes again. he reaches up and places a hand on your neck, applying the lightest pressure. “ah, your favorite necklace.” he teases. you place your hand on top of his, pushing on his fingers so he’ll squeeze harder. he does, but only briefly, all the while his hips are still pistoning into yours. when he removes his hand, his fingers find your clit, rubbing tight circles into it. you can tell he’s close, and he’s trying to get you there too.

he presses gentle kisses into your lips as he speaks to you. “come on baby, i know you’ve got one for me. let me have it.” he coaxes.

it doesn’t take long before you’re unraveling, cumming hard all over his cock as warmth spreads from your horns to your toes. you’re squeezing joe, sucking him in and he cums soon after, filling up your cunt with his cum.

you press your sweaty foreheads together for a moment, the slight intimacy of the moment making both of you reminisce. you don’t let it last long, you can’t. because you know this doesn’t work.

“joe… can i.. have my panties back?” you ask, trying to make your voice sound playful so you don’t completely ruin the moment. he pulls out of you and lets you down. you squeeze your legs together, hoping that none of his seed will run down your thighs.

“sure.” he says, fishing them out of his pocket. “not sure what they’re gonna do for you, though.”

he’s right, but you need to slip something on, to create at least the tiniest barrier. joe awkwardly scratches at the back of his head before fixing himself, and then buttoning his pants. he fixes his shirt, slides his jacket on, and makes himself look as neat as he can.

“um.. thanks joe. that was nice.” you slip out, voice cracking. saying goodbye would be awkward for you both. joe doesn’t respond verbally, instead he just leans in and kisses your forehead before walking away. you unfortunately have to walk out after him, looking for your friend. she’s still kissing joe’s friend, but you think you’ll have to interrupt to tell her you’re just going to head home.

joe turns to look at you. “i’ll have tee tell her you left, just make sure you text her when you get home.”

“tee?” you ask, looking puzzled. “my teammate tee? that’s who she’s kissing.” you nod knowingly. you turn away from him then, heading for the exit, walking as slow as you can so that no evidence of what you’ve just done with him leaks out of you. when you’re almost to the door, you feel a hand on your shoulder.

you turn around and you’re face to face with the bartender. he looks you over, smirking. he can tell by your appearance that barely any talking was done, but he doesn’t care. he shoots his shot anyway. he hands you a slip of paper with his number on it, winking at you before sauntering back off to the bar. you glance around the crowded club again, your eyes landing on joe. he’s already dancing with another girl. you’re not jealous you tell yourself. he’s not yours, nor are you his. you tear your eyes away and walk out.

you make it outside, hailing a taxi and telling the driver your address. it doesn’t take long to get back to your building. you pull out your phone and keys, which you’re surprised you didn’t lose after the events of the evening, and head up the elevator to your floor.

you unlock the door, stepping inside and kicking your heels off before locking it again behind you. you tiptoe to the bathroom, turning on the shower and letting it heat up. you look back at your phone, two new text notifications showing on your screen. you open them one by one.

bestie: girl!!! let me know when you make it home! i’ll probably be going home with this cutie i met!

you respond to her quickly.

you: home! have fun 😋

the second text is from joe, go figure.

joeyyy b: so it goes, huh?

you don’t respond to his message, you just heart react to it. you really aren’t in the headspace to talk to him right now, because if you respond you’ll end up inviting him over, and you can’t have that. he’s not good for you, you aren’t good for him. you’ve let the pieces fall naturally into place. it’s over between you, even if you both still have the slightest residual feelings left.

before you step into the shower to wash the day away, you click new message at the top of your screen. you type the bartenders number in and… are you really gonna do this? fuck it.

you: hey, it’s y/n. the devil from the bar. 😈

when you see typing bubbles pop up almost immediately you squeal, locking your phone and slamming it on the bathroom counter before undressing and stepping into the hot, steamy shower.

taglist: @slimshiesty @starsinthesky5 @kykysinlovewithafairytale @burrowdarling @bengals-barnesbabe @joeyb1989 @loveyatopluto @toterry @unhingedfangirl @superheroprincess22

[meameagirl]

Not Joe calling Chase a bitch 😂😂😂 their friendship is the best I swear.

[newbuddylove]

[kirbabes]

Can i get a scary yandere jock whose actual a sweet nerd, to go?

yan! jock (who's really js a sweetheart) hcs!

yan! jock who is the wide receiver for his team with a 6'3 muscular body.

yan! jock who scares people away rather than attracting them due to his frightening appearance.

yan! jock who wins another game, but just as he's about to go to the locker room, you run up to him and ask him to sign your shirt.

yan! jock who is shocked to have fans, as most people fall for the quarterback (who may be the jock in my other post 🤭).

yan! jock who happily signs your shirt and does a lil victory dance as you walk off with your autographed shirt.

yan! jock who sees you in the halls the next day and asks you why you asked for his autograph out of all people.

yan! jock is surprised to hear you say that you think he's really cute (definitely stuck with him for the rest of the week).

yan! jock who goes to his math club after practice and is surprised to see you there. did you know he was in this club?

yan! jock who melts when he hears you praise him for being so smart and so athletic at the same time.

yan! jock who tutors you in any subject you struggle in.

"that's correct! you're so smart! i'm so proud of you."

[ask-opsys]

Where do you think all of these marketable plushies of the managers are coming from? I mean, cogs inc don't really seem like the type to make plushies, or... anything fun, really.

[canisalbus]

Your anons are always so different. You either get funny anon (like the 'pantaloons' one, I'm still thinking about that) or existential dread and misery anon.

.

[mewvore]

waiting with masturbated breath

On the edging of my seat or something

[the-football-chick]

After 13 seasons, WR Julio Jones announces his retirement from the NFL.

[taralen]

Further Spamton concept art head studies for my LoveLetter AU. I also had too much fun with this one. The "OFFLINE" notes are updates to an idea I wrote about months ago.

First Study Sheet:

[bengals-barnesbabe]

Babe’s March Madness - Round 2, Part 4

Both wide receivers took third place in their individual divisions.

A/N: Those who have a thing for dark skins with pretty smiles and tats, I know this shit hard😅

[meameagirl]

Four good looking men in one space.

[2129888]

[realtapiocafan]

SEVEN tds for ja'marr, justin, malik, and btj combined!

[senkamikakushi]

I’m curious if you’ve come across this pic of chihiro and lin before!! A couple months ago I found it on Pinterest and was so confused and excited cus i had never seen it before. Came to find out it was part of a ghibli merch calendar someone was selling. But it looks straight out of the movie! I wonder if it was from a deleted scene. (The movie was supposed to be around like three hours I think)

I saw that image on Pinterest too! I was so excited because I thought it was a deleted scene or extra official art.

So it's from a merch calendar! That's really cool, actually. I know the Ghibli team had to cut out a lot of extra scenes just to keep the movie short enough (and even then it's really quite long), which always made me really curious about the scenes we never got to see. This would fit perfectly as one of them! It's honestly so warm and endearing.... Maybe we could've seen more interaction between Lin and the other worker girls, or even some development between them and Chihiro. Especially since the girls in this image look suprisingly young! Anyway, it's nice to see Lin and Chihiro making up for the food that was spoiled by the river spirit.

This seems quite random, but while we're on the topic of "Spirited Away images that seem official but are suprisingly not as well known as they feel like they should be",

Would anyone happen to know about the origin of these two images?

I've heard they're from the Japanese Studio Ghibli Twitter, but whenever I follow the source links, nothing comes up. Did they delete the posts or the whole account? It's honestly a bummer because these are such sweet and adorable images and I was really excited to read through all the reactions to it. If anyone knows what happened to these posts or the original source of the images, I'd be really grateful to hear about it!

[heireign]

HER STRUGGLES WITH BODILY AUTONOMY + HEADCANON ( incest mentions, and grooming mentions )

the first thing to remember about it is that so much of the trauma surrounding it originates when she's still a child, it stems during a particularly difficult period during her formative years that started when she was only eleven going on twelve - and in the aftermath of the firing of otto hightower as hand, it had the opposite effect that her father wanted, and only worsened the questions and the concerns about the setting aside of her younger half brothers. aegon, who was about two at the time, and aemond who was a newborn, and it seemed to worsen the frigidity of which she was greeted by her stepmother and only increased her feeling of isolation within the confines of her own family. she had her ladies, of course, she was close with her ladies, she considered them like sisters, but - she was also well aware that they were reliant on her, their positions were determined by her own, and so was their success at court, which meant that ? it just could not be the same as having family of which she could be close to, because their jobs and their positions had to come first - despite the fact they were all of the nobility, they were still of a lesser class then she was, meaning, they could lose more then she could if she messed something up. she was always in their company, she was always with them, because she loved them. and the ease of that wholly platonic connection was comforting.

she struggled extremely with impostor syndrome. she knew, logically, that her father had made his choice - and nothing could unmake that decision beyond him, and he did not seem like he had any plans to do that, and he had fired his closest advisor in defending his choice and that was ? it assured her, for the moment. but she was never wholly comforted by it because she could hear the questions, she could hear alicent asking the questions and she knew they were right to, she knew her position was one that was wholly unsual and wholly new, and there were so many people, asking the same exact thing that amounted to why haven't you replaced her yet, you should have replaced her. why fire otto when he's right. for a child that ? it feels like everyone is making their feelings known on how much she's worth and how much she could be capable of, and deeming that it just isn't enough to amount for that break in precedent, she just isn't enough to allow for the setting aside of her brothers. and she can't quit. she can't say she does not wanna do this anymore, because her father wants her to do it, her father chose her, and she still wants to do it, despite everything. for herself, for her mother who died in attempting to give her father an heir, her being named was such an impossibility that when she was, she had to hold onto it. she had to fight for it. but when you break down a child's self esteem over the years and play on that one inner insecurity that she's been grappling with her entire life ( the notion that though she's loved, and cherished, she's not a boy, so she's fundamentally useless to her parents, despite the fact she knows they love her. she's not a boy, she can't fullfil that role her father needs a boy for ) and you start fortifying what you believe she lacks before she can even display what she can do, it starts building the foundations of what becomes a reoccuring issue later in her life which is the fact that people build her identity, people build her reputation out of lies and explicit rumors because they want to believe it, even if they know it isn't true. because it becomes that much easier to diminish and disregard her entirely when you believe the stories about her.

if you believe she so easily and so willingly ruined herself for her own pleasure, and was so reckless as to all of that - then how could she ever possibly be a competent queen ? ( incredibly misogynistic and blatantly false rhetoric but it was the exact same thing that she was dealing with being levvied against her at 14 ) the additional sexual aspect of it all that comes into play post the tourney of 111AC makes the period of time all the worse, and it exacerbates rhaenyra's already high levels of anxiety. it's absolutely terrifying for her because she knows exactly what everyone believing that would result in. and no matter how many times she denies it, it takes form anyway. it takes shape anyway; the idea that she's in some way sullied herself with mushroom, with daemon. that she took lessons with daemon to try and seduce criston and make him break his vows. that she's willing to disregard his chastity oath and wants that to be sullied as well. and all of these stories of that period are presented as possible fact, which means that they were repeated and believed. which means it hung over her, the notion that she could have given a blow job to the court fool, and was willing to spend months attempting to ' learn ' to seduce a sworn brother of the kingsguard. we're told that when allegedly daemon and rhaenyra were found in bed, that rhaenyra pleaded with viserys she was in love with him, and wanted to marry him. we're also told that when viserys was confronted with the story of blackwater bay, he refused to believe any of it until daemon confirmed the tale was true. i'm inclined to believe, due to criston cole's remainder at her side, and the fact he was at her side day and night, that it was the latter that happened, and daemon confirmed a fake story, to get her hand in marriage by claiming he had ruined her. the near complete gut of her reactions from the recording of these events, and the fact the events are conflicting so much so - it gives the reader the feeling that any of them could potentially be possible, and that was the exact sort of criticism she was being met with in person.

and everyone had an opinion. they're USED to talking about this girl, they're used to critiquing this girl by now. and never to her face, but she still hears it, because it's everywhere. she's the heir, and she's female, so of course she is going to be a continuous topic of conversation - she told herself she was used to it by now. but it feels like there's this version of her that exists that they've built out of nothing and that is serving as their template for how they judge her from then on out. she feels like there's no real chance to build herself up outside of it because that's what some people hear first about her. she feels like she can't, that she isn't in control of herself, because she feels in some way that she is guilty of what they're accusing her of, because people believe it - because they want to believe it, she feels guilty, even if she didn't do anything. she feels like she is ruined already before she even got to explore sex. she feels so genuinely flayed open about the prospect of sex, and sexuality that it doesn't feel like when she finally explores it it'll be intimate at all. it feels like it won't remain private, and that it'll be another source of derision and scorn even though she is likely going to be married at the time, and that's what is supposed to happen with one's husband. she hated the idea of a bedding, she's always hated the idea of a bedding ceremony, like it made her feel sick to consider the idea of the wedding's male guests undressing her, and the idea her losing her virginity would be a source of entertainment and amusement.

she did not feel like she could enjoy sex at all, she didn't think she should find pleasure in it because then... wouldn't that prove them right about her ? wouldn't that mean she's as worthy of disregard as they made it seem ? she knows its natural, she know its supposed to be and that makes her feel so wrong inside. it makes that feeling of shame and fear feel so wrong to her, because it makes her feel like they've won something and they've succeeding in taking something from her, in making the concept something that she needs to approach clinically or she's somehow diminishing herself. and she doesn't want to feel like that, she doesn't want to stay feeling like that. but she has no idea on how to start to unpack it and its like ? it's a fear that ends up blending into her fear of childbirth because she reckons with that fear of sex, and that feeling that a lack of intimacy is inevitable with her relationship with harwin strong, who she ends up siring children with fairly quickly after they start sleeping together and it's - part of her fear of childbirth is the helplessness of it. the fact that she can't control the vitrol that would no doubt come if she had a daughter first, the fact she can't control what or how her baby would be treated if she died, that she can't help if she ends up losing one and that she would be expected to try again because she needs an heir. she can't be sure of her baby's survival, and her mother's consistent tragedies make her vehemently afraid that loss is inevitable even though she knows logically, that that isn't the case.