#or some other underlying significance I could not tell you

[cheezeybread]

GOUDA!

DROP A PART TWO OF YUU OVERBLOTTING AND MY LIFE IS YOURS!

I'm not gonna lie, I was already drafting up a part two just for sillies hehe

I love writing characters to their breaking point, isn't it just the best? <3

As usual, Trigger warnings include crass language, possible violence idk, etc etc!

This ain't proofread lol

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

As the days passed by, the change around campus was...very noticeable. No one could function as well as they should have. Students were making reckless mistakes in class. Not passing tests, not even writing their own names on assignments, forgetting exam dates, putting ingredient A in a potion mixture instead of ingredient B.

The strangest part was the lack of magic in the student body.

For the Housewardens, especially, it was concerning. At first, the other students theorized that they weren't using magic out of some sort of protest for YN's conditions. But then, said students realized that they couldn't use their magic, either.

Professor Trein explained it best at the staff meeting a week after your episode.

"Magic is tied in directly with emotions," he had said, staring down at the table with an unusual air of solemnity "It isn't uncommon to see cases of powerful mages losing control of their magic after their partner passes away, or some other event. It's the main reason why scientists theorize that overblots are caused not only by an overuse of powers, but rather, mainly due to an excess of pent-up pressure inside a mage's heart."

"I don't know if you know this, Professor Trein," said one of the Mathematics teachers with an air of superiority "But this YN is not a mage, nor a magic user, at all!"

"He's not talking about YN in this case, you insolent dog!" Crewel shouted out, banging a fist on the table. Once the math teacher went silent, Professor Crewel cleared his throat and raised a hand to his mouth, attempting to regain his composure. His mood had been rather soured as of late...a result of his stress about the whole situation "I don't know if you know, but this meeting is not only about YN, but about the significant lack of magic in the student body! No one can use it at the moment. I'm not quite sure how you missed that."

"So...the students can't use their magic because of...emotional distress?" Coach Vargas suggested.

"Precisely," Trein nodded "YN has had quite an impact on all of the students at this school, whether we'd like to admit it or not, mainly due to the pressure Crowley put on them to step into other's problems," he cast a scornful look towards the Headmage, who looked suitable flustered "They've made friendships and bonds with the entirety of the student body, and even those who aren't friends with them are friends with those who are, so they're effected, as well."

The students were worried for different reasons.

While the staff was meeting, the Housewardens called their own meeting. Even the elusive Malleus managed to join them, and Idia came in-person, for once. Since the staff was holed up in their regular space, the Housewardens decided to gather in the Mostro Lounge. Surprisingly, Azul offered drinks free of charge, just this once. But no one felt too thirsty.

"I'm worried," Riddle started by saying, tapping his fingers against the side of his water that he hadn't taken a sip of.

"That's quite an understatement," Azul sighed, pushing his glasses up as he leaned back in his chair "No one else has been able to use their magic yet, have they? Not your students or anyone else?"

"No," Leona shook his head, looking greatly annoyed at this whole meeting. Although everyone could tell that there was an underlying emotion of concern on his face.

"Well, has anyone managed to talk to YN?" Kalim looked tired and worn-out, his normally sunny disposition replaced by an anxious look "Me and Vil tried to go to their dorm this morning with some of their favorite foods, but they didn't answer the door..."

"No, only Grim opened the door," Vil drummed his nails on the table, his brows furrowed slightly, unconcerned about the risk of wrinkles on his skin.

"Grim?" Interjected Idia "What did he say?"

"He only said that they weren't hungry..." Kalim shook his head "He- he said that they haven't slept hardly at all since it happened, waking up screaming after a few minutes whenever they have slept."

"And they haven't had anything to eat unless Grim could manage to force it down their throats, practically," Vil cleared his throat "He said that YN isn't talking to him, either, though. They're barely acknowledging his presence."

"But YN loves Grim!" Exclaimed Idia, looking bewildered.

"...Most likely, they merely need some time to themselves," Malleus said softly, speaking for the first time that meeting "They've been through so much, due to our mistakes as well as Crowley's. While we weren't the main cause of their stress, we undoubtedly had a great effect on it."

The Housewardens were silent, all thinking of the stress they piled up on you, all of their overblots, some of which they hurt you during. They had all made their mistakes. They had never once given you a proper apology, had they? Simple sorry's were said, but actions spoke louder than words, and their actions were minimal, at best.

"I say we try our best to apologize," Spoke Leona, as if he could hear all of their thoughts. He had the same one, after all. "And then we'll string up the Headmage by his shitty mask and fingertips and leave him for the ravens to eat."

They all agreed heartily.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

You were terrible, a Grade-A mess.

Ever since your breakdown, you had been certifiably done with this school. Holing yourself up in yours and Grim's shared room, sitting on the bed staring at the wall.

You couldn't bring yourself to speak to Grim, feeling embarassed for the way you acted, but mostly feeling bitter traces of resentment towards him for his part in this mess. Although you knew the grudge was something you would have to get over sooner or later. Poor Grim had done his best to apologize in the only way he knew how, after all.

Saying "sorry" wasn't his style. The most he could do was not be a total pain. Seeing you not eat anything, he had brought you some of his hidden tuna cans, trying to balance a fork in both of his paws- without opposable thumbs, he made quite a mess after dropping it several times- and feed you. You tried your best to please him (although pleasing people is what got you to this point in the first place), opening your mouth and accepting whatever he could manage to get up to that level without dropping.

After you finished off a can, Grim looked at you with a sad look, and scurried off without a word.

When he saw you not sleeping, he tried to make you comfortable, bringing you whatever blankets and pillows he could find. The ghosts tried to lower their voices when speaking, and didn't try to scare you like they normally did. But you couldn't sleep. When you first fell asleep, you woke up to a sharp pain in your hand, discovering that you had been screaming and smashing your fists into the mirror over the mantle-place, the same mirror that had shown you visions of the Great Seven's tales. Grim had raised the Nurse's office and brought back band aids and disinfectants, while one of the ghosts did his best to patch up your hand.

After that, you tried not to sleep at all.

A week later, you found yourself drifting down the stairs to the lounge area, your head feeling a little lighter than it had before. Were you starting to heal? No, healing would take the effort of you unpacking everything instead of having a breakdown and shutting yourself off to the world. But maybe this was a sign that you could take the first steps to recovery.

Grim was overjoyed by your movement out of the room, taking it as a sign that you would be okay, finally. He tried to feed you one of your favorite foods out of a tupperware container- mentioning that it was brought over by Vil and Kalim- but you took the fork yourself with a smile, and ate a bite before your lack of appetite got the best of you and you had to put the food back up.

The doorbell rang, a deep, long sound. Did you feel like dealing with people? Maybe so. You'd have to start somewhere, somehow.

As Grim eagerly- yet cautiously- followed you to the door, you unlocked it and opened it, peering around the corner.

There stood all seven Housewardens, their eyes collectively wide at seeing a pale, (and frankly) sick-looking YN.

It was Vil who gained his composure first, bowing his head gracefully.

"Dearest YN, we have a letter for you. We thought it best to allow you to read it yourself, so you can have some time to think over it without any etiquette-worrying." The blond held out a folded piece of paper, and you slowly took it from his unsteady hand.

"Thank...you," you spoke quietly, your throat still recovering from all the screaming you did seven days ago.

"We'll take our leave now," Vil cleared his own throat, casting you a small look before he made a sweeping motion with his hands, turned around, and walked off of the property with the other 6 housewardens.

Watching them until they faded out of sight, you leaned up against the doorway, not bothering to close the door as you unfolded the letter and began to read

--

"Dearest YN, this letter is a collection of our thoughts for you. We as housewardens realize the amount of pressure that you have been through, and we regret that we were unable to see the signs sooner.

Throughout this school year, we began as seeing you as something less than. You were merely a magicless human, after all, who wasn't even able to be sorted into a proper dormitory. Instead, you were forced into babysitting a dire beast in an abandoned, trashy excuse for a building (pardon the insults, it really is a lovely dorm thanks to all the hard work you've put into it). Despite having no magic, you were expected to take classes, which added coursework into all you had to worry about. Crowley continued to make you work for him to pay off the imaginary debt he believed you to owe the school for bringing you here against your will. And then we, separately, went through intense overblots, hurting you physically and mentally, as well as forcing you to solve our own problems and unhealed traumas/resentments.

We leaned on you wholly for support. But we never stopped to think of your own wellbeing. A magicless human amongst mages and students, you were obviously in danger at every turn, yet we didn't offer to assist you with learning proper defense techniques. We expected you to solve all of our problems and disputes, because, after all, that was what we believed you to be there for. It was what you were good at, so we allowed ourselves the selfish pleasure of using you for your talents at healing us. You were overworked, everyone dumping their schoolwork on you knowing full and well that you wouldn't say no to someone in need of assistance.

We are all very sorry, and know that our words cannot heal what you've been through. We know that you miss your home, and we haven't been providing you with any comfort in making this place your home-away-from-home in the meantime.

So please accept our offers to help you now, if it's not too late.

Any coursework you have trouble with, I'll help you with. You've helped me to see that I'm only human, and I shouldn't be expected to achieve perfection. The loudest person isn't always the right one, YN, sometimes it's the most quiet one that has the most important opinions. Just like you.

-Riddle

Anybody that gives you any trouble, I'll make sure they're on the menu for our next barbecue at Savanaclaw dorm. Because of you, I can see that despite being a second-born, I can be something great, so long as I don't hold myself back.

-Leona

If you need a suitable job for pocket money, Mostro Lounge always has an available spot open for you. If that's not to your liking, I'd be more than happy to find you a job that's low-stress yet still provides enough of a paycheck for you to be satisfied with. Contract-pending, of course. Due to your interference, I know that I'm good enough, even without stealing powers and such.

-Azul

Anytime you need to destress and relax, give me a call! I'll happily help you anyway that I can, whether it's helping you with your workload or anything! Just name it! I'm at your service- just think of me as your humble servant! :D Thank you so much for your help with Jamil, I'm so sorry he trapped you in Scarabia for most of Winter break! You've given me a chance to really be his friend now, and for that, you deserve anything I can give you!

-Kalim

I can now see that being number one in the world isn't everything...I shouldn't be so stressed over everything that the public thinks in comparison to me alongside LeBlanche. I should simply be myself, as beautiful and perfect as I can be. The same applies to you, YN. You are beautiful and perfect in your own right, and should never look down upon yourself. Anytime you need a spa break or assistance with Alchemy, consider me your go-to.

-Vil

You've helped me be a little bit more social, better in public. You never made me feel like a freak for my interests. I'm sorry I can't say more, I'm totally blanking on the spot right now- but rest assured that I'll totally be making a bunch of technology for you to use, that way you'll be way more powerful than anybody else, even without magic!

-Idia

The Headmage is locked in the basement of Diasomnia

-Malleus Draconia

And as an additional note, we would like to officially claim that we believe Crowley's claim of it being impossible to return you home holds little to no merit...we shall be investigating this matter rigorously on our own time, until we discover a way home for you. If, The Great Seven forbid, we cannot find a solution, each of us are willing to accept you with open arms and make sure your time in this world, even after school ends, will be nothing short of amazing.

With all the love you deserve,

Vil (and co.)"

----

The letter made you smile so wide that your cheeks started to hurt. As you got further down, then began to reread it again, your eyes began to water, tears dripping down and landing on the paper.

Soon enough, you were a sobbing mess on the floor, the letter still gripped in one hand. But you were still smiling, despite the tears.

"YN! YN, Are you okay??" Grim asked worriedly, shaking your arm with a concerned look. He hadn't even called you his hench-human since the incident due to his concern for you.

You opened up your arms and wrapped up the cat-creature in a hug, burying your face into his fuzzy back. He made a small yowl of surprise, but didn't try to pull away.

"Not- not yet, Grim," You choked out, sniffling "But I will be."

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

[tollingreminiscentbells]

In the defense of bottom!Voldemort|Tom

I'm in a mood, so I've decided to break down my thoughts on this topic and I'm putting it in the tags for anyone who is interested. With a suitably melodramatic title.

The rules here are simple: if you know you won't like this, don't read it. If you read it anyway and don't like it, that is the definition of a you problem. Okay? Okay.

So let's talk about why I think it is incorrect and, frankly, offensive to claim that Voldemort|Tom bottoming is inherently out of character.

In order to have this conversation, we're actually having a bigger conversation about sex. Because that's really what this is about.

Something that has popped up in a handful of comments on my own fic is surprise that Voldemort wants to suck Harry's cock. Now, I'm going to be charitable and assume that the people who say things like this don't realize what they're implying. But the reality is that they are operating from the assumption that a man sucking another man's dick is, at least to some extent, weak and degrading. A subservient act.

This is both homophobic and factually untrue. A significant percentage of people who like dick also like giving blowjobs. It's an enjoyable, pleasurable thing to do. And even if the physical act of sucking cock doesn't turn someone on, there are so many other reasons to want to do it. Getting off on being the source of your partner's pleasure, for one example.

But let's move on to the elephant in the room: anal sex. Specifically, the act of being penetrated. The interesting thing about bottoming is that, contrary to what some people seem to believe, it's the more powerful position. Penetration is only happening because the person bottoming is granting permission. Even if that person has ceded total control of the encounter, the fact remains that they made that decision in the first place and could un-make it at any time.

If that agency does not exist, the sex is not truly consensual. Full stop.

Moreover, a strong, dominant personality =/= topping. There is no innate correlation. This is where misogyny really comes to the table. Bottoming seen as a feminine act, and femininity conflated with weakness and submission. Do I think (most) Tomarrymort readers are consciously thinking this way? No. But that doesn't mean the underlying bias isn't present.

There are so many ways penetrative sex can play out. Yes, you get the "classic" version of the person topping being dominant and the person bottoming being submissive. But you can also get topping from the bottom, where the dominant partner in every way is the person being fucked. Or maybe no one is taking a dominant role. Et cetera. This is a broad overview, not an exhaustive list.

Do you see what none of these things have? An assumption that topping=stereotypical masculinity and bottoming=stereotypical femininity. Even with a couple that likes playing with that flavor of gender roles, it's a choice they're making. And before someone willfully misunderstands me, there is nothing wrong with that choice. But don't mistake it for something it's not.

So now that we've clarified that being penetrated is not weak, degrading, or even inherently submissive, let's bring this back to Tomarrymort.

First of all, have you read the books? Voldemort is campy as shit. High drama and a surprisingly great sense of humor (his jokes are fucked up, but also pretty funny). He's not this hyper-masculine figure. On the flip side, Harry is not an effeminate man. He's a jock who will fight you.

So from whence comes this zealous dedication some people have to a fixed dynamic that puts Voldemort|Tom in the masculine role and Harry in the feminine role? Yes, we've established that sex positions are neither of those things, but we all know that's the assumption simmering toxically in the background.

I can't say for sure, but my instincts tell me that it comes from a shallow read of both characters. Voldemort is a powerful man who commands a terrorist organization. Harry is the good-hearted hero, defined by his capacity to love. And this can get twisted into Voldemort|Tom taking and Harry giving in a very reductive way. Even when the relationship is meant to be consensual.

Obviously, I don't think this is universal. I've read a lot of incredible takes on sex in this fandom, with different top/bottom/switching dynamics. And this is fanfiction, which means you can play with characterization to your heart's content. What I'm talking about is people insisting that Voldemort|Tom must top and Harry must bottom and anything else is wrong.

Why are you so adamant about that? Have you ever given it a moment's thought? If you prefer it, you prefer it, that's all fine. But when it morphs into claiming that bottom!Voldemort|Tom is out of character and bad, things have crossed over into the arena of the absurd. Like what you like, but be aware of what you're really saying when you talk about sex.

Not conflating bottoming with weakness and topping with strength would be a good starting point. Understand that there are myriad reasons a person might want to bottom. It can be a source of relief, allowing someone else to take control so you don't have to. It can be an act of manipulation. It can be a form of domination. And sometimes it's just because bottoming is what feels good and they have more fun that way. Or it's just the kind of pleasure they're in the mood for on a random Tuesday night.

No one is telling you to read things you don't enjoy. And no one is saying that fixed top/bottom dynamics don't exist in the real world. But it's ridiculous to apply a fixed dynamic to such a degree that you get upset when other people write something else and consider a fic "ruined" by it. You really should put some thought into your biases. It's good for you. But even if you don't, when you claim a sexual dynamic is inherently out of character, you're actually just wrong. So stop doing that. It will be a net gain for all of us, including you.

[bugs1nmybrain]

Could you possibly write Professor Aizawa x college student reader, where UA is a college instead of a high school?

Teacher's Crush - Professor!Aizawa x College Student!Reader ☆ Part 1

Warnings: No smut but nsfw, fem-reader, Professor x student, age gap (readers in early 20s, Aizawa is 30), no sex and cliffhanger, unrealistic confession, not proofread, very ooc aizawa

Notes: OOF. I questioned if I should do this because it is admittedly a guilty pleasure, but it feels taboo?? Then I remembered some of the somno and dub-con stuff I've written and humbled myself down. Fiction is meant to be fun. You're in luck! The recent chapters of MHA rekindled my Aizawa fixation a bit. Very excited to write this.

I plan to make a part 2 of this that will include ooey gooey SMUT. There's just a lot that has to build up to their relationship.

The College won't be UA itself but an out of canon school. Any MHA students will not be included. Aizawa is an English teacher because I noticed that he likes reading in Vigilantes so maybe he has a secret passion for it.

Notes About Reader: Fem-reader, Honor student, shorter than Aizawa, curvy, early 20s

College had its challenges, but overall, you were an A+ student and even better, a teacher's pet. Or..professor's pet?

Professor Aizawa had a soft spot for you. One that he was ashamed of. But the thing was, he couldn't help himself be completely enamored by his favorite student. You were responsible, kind, humble, smart, and reliable. A brilliant student, he could tell from your essays and comments in class. A mind of your own. That's not to say that you were flawless. Sometimes, you'd make a grammatical mistake or two, but he ignorantly disregarded them (which he did not do with the other students) because he enjoyed the appreciative thanks you gave him on the school website when you got a perfect grade.

It's a good thing he was respectful, because you also waltzed into class with little slutty skirts and tops that conveniently showed off your waist and tits. Like today. Yeesh, playing the schoolgirl angle up much?

"Who can tell me the cultural significance of this week's reading?"

Professor Aizawa glanced around to the sounds of crickets. Even you weren't speaking up, though you did seem to have a peculiar look on your face. He wondered how your expression would shift.

"Y/n."

You jolted up and redirected your attention.

"What're your thoughts?"

"Oh, well, I assumed it was important because it showed the socioeconomic struggles of people in the real world in this time period and what they did to make ends meet."

"Great work. Sharp as always, Y/N."

You smiled at him with what seemed like a blush. This was regular lately. You always dressed nice, but lately, your outfits were more revealing, and you became more flustered at his praise. You were so cute.

He wanted you so bad.

And so did you.

Professor Aizawa was one of the younger instructors at this school, though still well older than you. But with his sluggish looks and broody attitude, you'd think he was older than 30. You weren't the only one charmed by him. You heard some students joke about who had the biggest dick out of all professor's and how Aizawa was easily on the top. You wondered how true that was...

He gave you looks that he didn't to the others and you weren't stupid. The As you recieved seemed undeserving at times, but he'd marvel at your work. You caught him peaking when you'd lift up from a chair and your body was on display for him. How soft his tone was with you, and an underlying lust from both of you.

"It's 4pm. Class dismissed." As everyone began gathering their supplies, Aizawa stood from his desk and came over to you.

"Y/N. I'd like to speak with you once everyone's left," he said as if it wasn't an option.

"Wha-what's wrong?" You panicked. You became anxious whenever you suspected you've done something wrong. Especially from Aizawa.

"Don't stress, just stay seated and wait for them to leave."

You nodded sheepishly. Aizawa stood by his desk, trying to keep distance between you and him. You didn't know what on earth was wrong and to upset your favorite professor would hurt you for the rest of the semester.

The rest of the students left, leaving the empty noise between you and Aizawa. He stood seated on his desk with his hands figeting with each other.

"You always tell us to get off the seats," you joke, not remembering that you may be in trouble right now.

"This is my desk. Those chairs are the schools."

"Right. I'm sorry, sir."

Mm.. you were too much for him.

"Why-why, uh. Did I miss an assignment? I did have a busy week so I'm not sure."

"No. Nothing like that. Your grades are perfect, one of the best in my class and I wager the rest of your classes, right?"

"Well, I'm not the brightest in CIS, but I have an A."

"The A is what matters. You seem pretty hard on yourself, I've come to notice."

"I-uh. Hm?"

"I have to pay attention to all my students to make sure you're all living up to your potential. You're talented, and you have a promising future. You're really not an English major?"

"No. I don't read as much as this class has me."

"You seem to like movies based on your personal essays. Film studies have similar elements, you know? But I'm sure you're going to do great things with your degree."

"Thank you, Aizawa. Um. You're much nicer to me than the others, I've noticed," you laugh nervously.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yes."

Aizawa chuckled softly. The first laugh you've heard from him. You weren't sure if Aizawa was even capable of humor.

"Well it's because I.."Shota stammered, realizing he really didn't have a solid reason for keeping you behind. He figured just having a reassuring peptalk could win him moments with you. But you were catching on.

Shota's gaze zoned out on your breasts without thought. He admired your short stature and full features more than he should. It felt wrong. You were his student.

"What's that?" You asked.

"I suppose I just see you as a model student."

"Thank you, Professor Aizawa."

"Of course. I was wondering if perhaps you'd be interested in doing a work study as my personal teaching assistant."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes. You'd recieve hourly pay and it's part time. I think you're smart enough to handle it."

"I mean, yea! I would love that. I've been trying to get work study for a while but I've had troubles."

Well, this was convenient he thought, considering it was spur of the moment. "I'm glad to hear that. You'll do great and I look forward to working with you."

While you were still here, Aizawa thought of another way he could capture your attention. Your outfit was a problem and it made him feel in checkmate. His cock would grow in his pants just at the sight and the filthy thoughts he had. Though it was against his personal beliefs on the matter, it could be worth it to scold you.

"You know...Y/N. Your sense of style is rather revealing as of late."

"Oh."

"I'm not mad. It's just that the students, especially the boys, might have a hard time focusing in class."

Aizawa eyed you with a faint look of wanting, as if he was trying to signal to you his intentions. He's already accepted he's borderline fucked if you two got together. Would he risk that? With the submissive and hungry pout you gave him back, though...hell yea he would.

"Am I being dress coded?" You perk up playfully.

"Mm..well, maybe you should show me if that skirt passes your fingertips, hm?"

You couldn't believe what was happening. You halfway doubted he was actually trying to make a move, but you realized that he was angled in a way to conceal his crotch from a boner.

"I- um!" You blushed and cracked a smile. You got up and started to check the fingertips, but Aizawa snickered again.

"I wasn't serious about that," he smiled at you, shamelessly looking you up and down. "Y/N, I'm really proud of you. So responsible, smart, attentive. Always in the front of my class, giving me a gorgeous smile. Are your clothes maybe a call for my attention, too?"

It's like he caught you like a deer in headlights. You stammered and looked down at the floor, in disbelief of what he was saying to you. You felt a tingle in between your legs, and Aizawa noticed your squirm.

"Come here," he looked at you with a motion of his pointer finger. So you obeyed and stood in front of him. "Do you have a crush on me?"

He got you.

You felt heated and panicked, worried this would be a problem. By how he spoke, it seemed thay he liked you too. But this was wrong, right?

"I..I mean, you are my favorite professor."

"Uh-huh..that's good to know,"he smirked, encouraging you to say more, but you kept quiet. "Is that why you're always nearly the only student to stay for extra lessons? With your smarts, you certainly don't need them."

"Well, it always helps to stay on top of things," you bluffed.

"That also explains you staring at me in the halls and through the teachers lounge window?"

Did he really notice that? You thought.

"..maybe. I'm sorry, Professor Aizawa.." You spoke in shame.

"It's alright, kitten."

!~¡☆!

Kitten

"This is very inappropriate," he remarks, as if you were the one who approached him.

"Well. Yea."

"Mhm. Are you able to keep a secret for us? Do you want that?"

You stared at him with huge eyes of excitement. You swore you must've been dreaming. You soon felt a calloused hand brushing up again your hand.

"How rational do you think this is?" You giggled, moving closer to rest your forehead on his.

"Not very. But it's not rational to force these things away, either." He sighed in relief, feeling his heart become warm. "Would you like to go out to dinner with me? Out of town, ideally."

"Yea. That'd be very nice."

[altsvu]

i love what you did with my last ask so i just knew i needed to do another. how about a aaron x black!reader she's 7 months pregnant and over the phone has a discussion with aaron about the baby's skin color telling him "what if when it gets older it gets killed" and even aaron has to take a breath but over all jack heard the convo and is confused because he's like 8 and doesn't understand race like that and you and aaron explain it

complexities of race

pairing: aaron hotchner x pregnant!black!fem!reader

wc: 1.3k

cw: underlying mentions of current climate (iykyk), brief mentions of race/racism, fluff, pregnancy

a/n: girlll your prompts are so amazing, i love that you give me a challenge 🫶🏽🫶🏽 this was so hard to write not gonna lie, but of course i enjoyed it nonetheless!!! also this is the first fic of 2024! :) also i’m sorry it took me so long to write this!

criminal minds masterlist! ✯ taglist!

✯✯✯✯

“Aaron... I have something to tell you.” you smiled, leaning against the frame of the living room walkway. You hoped that he would be just as excited as you were, all those nights making love paid off.

“Sweetheart... you’re smiling, grinning even. What is it?” He asked.

“I’m pregnant.” you gushed, revealing the pregnancy test that was hidden in your hand.

Aaron’s eyes lit up in excitement. He rushed over to you and pulled you into his arms. “Oh, Y/N, that’s amazing!”

You were crying tears of joy, you were super excited to finally have a baby with the love of your life.

Fast forward to 7 months, you were thriving through all the symptoms of pregnancy. All the motion sickness, waking up in the middle of the night to throw up, the kicking, just to name a few.

Aaron made sure to be there for you every step of the way, from the moment he found out you were pregnant up until now. He would rub your belly a lot, give you foot and shoulder massages, satisfy your weird food cravings, and even read to your unborn child when he could.

You had no worries about this pregnancy. Until the intrusive thoughts started coming. Being a soon to be mom, you didn’t know if it was mother’s intuition, or just the simple fact that you were a black woman living in America. You started thinking a lot about how your baby would be when they grew up. Facing racism almost everywhere you went was not fun, which was why learning how to handle a situation like that was extremely important. You didn’t want your child being made fun of for their skin color or the way they look and not being able to see their self worth, see how beautiful they are, and that comments like those are baseless and have no real meaning.

This was something that needed to be discussed with Aaron. He sees the world differently than you do so it was important to you that your significant other understand your feelings and experiences. It wasn’t going to be like any other conversation they have had about racism; this time it involved a child, an innocent child.

You were at your grandparents’ house for the weekend and you decided to call Aaron to talk while you had some downtime.

He answered the phone fast and the two of you got into conversation quick. He asked you if you were doing okay and that he missed you and couldn’t wait until you came back so he could take care of you. You expressed that you missed him as well and asked him how he and Jackson were doing.

Then you decided to let the cat out of the bag.

“Aaron?”

“Yes love?”

You exhaled out of your nose. “There’s something I’m worried about, uh, for this pregnancy. Or at least something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for a while.”

“What is it?”

“Our baby is black. I just- I dunno, what if... our child gets killed when it goes out into the world on their own? This world is a sick place and it’s hard to raise a black child.“

Aaron paused for a bit. He knew what you were saying was the truth, and nothing but the truth. But he had no idea how to respond. Growing up, he never really knew what it was like to be made fun of because of the color of someone’s skin, let alone now in today’s world, where people get killed just because of it.

“Y/N, I want you to know that our baby will be protected to the fullest extent. Everything that you told me is all true, and I don’t want to dismiss any of your feelings.”

“I know, and I appreciate you for that.” you answered.

All of Aaron’s words were reassuring, but you still didn’t think he understood. It’s not that you were mad at him for that, you didn’t blame him for anything. You wanted to educate as much as possible.

You were the oldest daughter in your family, and seeing how your other siblings were raised, you wanted the best for your child.

You continued talking to Aaron about it in hopes that those intrusive thoughts would go away sometime soon.

✯✯✯✯

You were back from your grandparents’ house and you were now sitting on the couch at Aaron’s place, which became yours as well since you moved in with him.

He had something important to talk to you about, and a part of you thought it had to do with the phone conversation a few days ago.

“Is everything okay?” you asked.

“Yeah, um, it’s just Jack. He overheard our conversation the other day and he’s been asking questions and I think it would be best for the both of us to answer those questions.”

“I think that’s a good thing. He’s growing up and these are conversations that need to be held. I’m happy to help him understand as best as I can.”

Aaron took your hand and smiled. “I agree.”

A few hours later, after Jack came back home from school, the three of you sat at the dining table enjoying the meal Aaron cooked. Beforehand, you had told Aaron that you were gonna use the eggs in the fridge as an example since Jack was still so young to understand technical terms.

“So, Jack, we wanted to talk to you about something, and it’s very important, okay?” Aaron started.

“Okay.”

“So I know you’ve asked about what race is and things like that. I wanna show you something, okay? I think it will help you understand.”

You got up and got a white and a brown egg from the fridge as well as a spoon and placed them in front of Jack.

“Which egg do you want to break?”

“The white one!” Jack exclaimed, taking the spoon and breaking it.

You smiled softly. “Okay, good. Now how come you decided not to break the brown one instead?”

“I thought it would look different on the inside.”

“Well, do you wanna see something cool?” You asked. Jack nodded in response. You took the spoon and broke the brown one.

“They look the same on the inside.” Jack noted.

“You’re right, Jack. The eggs look different on the outside, but when you break them open, you see that they look the same.” Aaron started.

He explained to Jack that people have preferences for a lot of tangible things, and how it can apply to actual human beings. For only being 8 years old, Jack was very attentive to what you and Aaron had to say, and was asking all the right questions.

“Because the baby growing inside of me is going to look different than you, people may not like that. But my baby is a human too.”

“Is that why you were scared?”

You nodded. “I went through it too, and I just want to keep my baby safe.”

Jack went over to you and hugged your belly in response. It made you smile from ear to ear.

✯✯✯✯

“Hi beautiful.” Aaron said, kissing your cheek.

It had been evening time at this point and Aaron had just tucked Jack into bed, and you were lying down in the other room reading a book.

“Hi,” you responded back smiling.

Aaron got settled in with you in bed and cuddled. “Do you feel better about everything now?”

“Honestly, I know that deep down inside, those feelings are still there and will arise at some point but being able to talk about it freely is refreshing.” you admitted. “And that’s okay.”

He smiled. “That’s good. I’m glad Jack was able to take part of this conversation with us.”

“Me too. Surely we’ll have even more engaging conversations like this.”

✯✯✯✯

taglist: @averyhotchner @storiesofsvu @ssaic-jareau @blackbeautifulqueen @mstrinnyb @will-on-the-internet

[telomeke]

4 MINUTES – COUNTING DOWN

We're now just shy of the mid-point in 4 Minutes (three eps down with five more to go) and I've been avidly watching, but getting quite confused at the same time by all the twists and turns.

Part of that confusion stems from not being able to watch the "Sultrier" version at first, despite getting Viu Premium. (How do they come up with these euphemisms though? Remembering that KinnPorsche also had a "La Forte" incarnation. 🤣) The sanitized 4 Minutes was annoying, not just because the sexy bits were cut out, but also because we missed important, informative parts of the narrative.

For example, Korn and Ton Kla's Ep.1 sex scene was actually an in-your-face illumination of their relationship dynamics, and also a parallel with Win and Ton Kla's own Ep.3 turn in the sheets later, that revealed so much about their characters in the vein of show-don't-tell.

Ep.2's tryst between Korn and Fasai was also missing, as was (inexplicably) the conversation between Korn and a smoking Great in Ep.1. I can only presume it was Great's cigarettes that caused that scene to be snipped, because other scenes also had alcohol and ciggies all blurred out. Highly annoying, but anyway – I finally found out what was going on with Viu Premium, so if anyone else is having trouble finding Sultrier, I will share some tips in a different post.

And with that out of the way, I finally got to watching the unbutchered 4 Minutes – and I'm finding it smart, sexy and oh-so stylish in the mold that we've come to expect from Be On Cloud. Sumptuous cinematography and visuals are now quite a BoC hallmark, that started with KinnPorsche and continued in Man Suang – and 4 Minutes so far has been a delight to take in, a cinematic and super-twisty supernatural thriller overflowing with signs, symbols and scenes (possibly) pregnant with hidden meaning, so much so that the fandom is all a-flutter, me included.

Directing (and editing) has been taut, and I think Director Ning Bhanbhassa Dhubthien does much better when given free rein (unsaddled by screenwriting duties, and P'Pond maybe! 🤣) My take is colored by Man Suang – its huge potential for intellectual engagement (all that historical drama and political intrigue!) was unfortunately not developed to a satisfying extent; its most potent elements were given insufficient screentime, watering down what could have been a truly juicy experience for the viewer. Perhaps it might have done better as a mini-series with a longer timeframe for the developments to unfold, but that's a remake for another day perhaps.

Anyway, back to 4 Minutes. They've been really stoking the furnace with clues to the truth underlying the narrative, and fan theories abound as to what it all might mean while we breathlessly await revelation.

So I can only guess at some of the stuff, and nod at some of the visuals. But here's some of what I've picked up on.

The title 4 Minutes (especially with so many references in Ep.1 to cardiac arrest) is quite likely a nod at the widespread belief that when the heart stops beating, you only have four minutes to start resuscitation before the process of brain death begins to set in. (I'm seeing a lot of different opinions about this online, with some sources insisting the window of time is much longer. But there are enough mentions of the four-minute deadline in more than a few Thai sources that I think this is probably the intended significance, especially since screenwriter Sammon is also a medical doctor who would know of this notion's currency in popular culture. Here's an example in Thai media: CPR กู้ชีวิต ก่อนสมองตายใน 4 นาที/CPR saves life before brain death in 4 minutes.)

After the four minutes are up, it is too late to save the stricken patient – so there is a sense of urgency underlying the notion. (For another work that plays on this, see Madonna's song 4 Minutes where the urgency being messaged is about saving the planet instead.)

But with cardiac arrest, the premise is that even when corporeal death is signaled (cessation of the heartbeat being the traditional marker of this), a person's life-force still has that small window of time for human intervention to make a difference, a sort of ultimate last chance beyond the final frontier, if you will.

This aligns somewhat with what we're seeing of Great's do-overs, each time he is thrust back four minutes into the past. But I think there's also a bit more to it, based on what we're seeing in Episode 3.

Among all the fan theories online, this one by @myezblog caught my eye: Theory - plot is pretty much revealed.

Now, whenever Great is alone, we see that his clocks reset (and Great is aware of this too, by Ep.3). In Ep.1, his clock showed 11:00am (at timestamp 05:00, after his call with Title). And in Episode 2 we were shown Great's clock turning to 11:01 at timestamp 35:06, and in Episode 3 it went to 11:02 (timestamp 41:37).

But the ominous 11 o'clock actually put in an appearance even before these instances. Looking back, at the start of Episode 1 we were shown that the patient in the Emergency Department Resus bay basically flatlined at 11:00 – that was their time of death.

If it's really Great whose heart stopped on that Resus trolley in Ep.1, what we appear to be seeing is a flashback of events playing in his head, leading up to the time of his cardiac arrest (11:00).

And what his clocks are showing him (and us) whenever he's alone during that flashback is basically a countdown of the four minutes that he has, before he is brought back (hopefully) or is gone forever (I hope not – it wouldn't be much of a series then!).

So in the coming episodes, we should be watching for Great's clocks to tick up to the 11:04 mark – that is likely the time horizon when Great is jolted back to the present, hopefully having learnt some lessons reviewing his past that will be key to solving his conundrums in the present and the future.

[evidence-based-activism]

do you believe that men and women have inherent differences in their brain structure at birth and throughout life? and this does not imply superiority of one over another, merely differences in structure leading to different tendencies along a statistical distribution by gender. for instance women tend to have larger corpus collosums meaning better communication between hemispheres and emotional integration, while men tend to have higher visuospatial abilities which is explanatory for more men in fields like mechanical engineering. exceptions to the rule are the rule, so women can be aeronautical engineers and men can be heartfelt poets. The idea though is that we are born with natural tendencies.

on the individual level forgetting about gender momentarily, certain people are born with natural inclinations towards verbal or mathematical abilities that are notable in early childhood

i understand the top down society and roles change your brain idea which is absolutely true, so there is energy for change in the idea of abolishing gender roles, but do you disagree that there is any bottom up force? especially with (generally) a chromosome of difference between sexes?

Hi Anon!

Sex Differences in Adult Brains

This 2022 review [1] examines two large scale studies from 2021 [2-3]. These two studies both examined sex differences in the human brain, but came to different conclusions. The first [2] directly examined a large sample of brain scans and found small sex differences in many brain areas. In contrast, the second [3] performed a meta-synthesis of three decades of research "emphasizing meta-analyses and other large studies" and found sex differences in the brain are explained by differences in overall body size.

The review [1] I mentioned takes the stance that "differences in the mean value of largely overlapping distributions, and they show small-to-moderate effect sizes; however, we do not understand their microstructural basis, the causal factors shaping them, or if they facilitate sex differences or equivalences in behavior and cognition", essentially agreeing with the direct brain analysis [2] (but emphasizing the limitations of this finding) and suggesting that meta-analyses and reviews like [3] fail to find differences due to methodological heterogeneity.

In response to this, the authors of [3] released a response [4] in 2024 pointing out that while large scale studies do often find significant (but small) sex differences in the brain, they do not find consistent differences (i.e., one study may find brain area A is larger in males while another finds the same area is larger in females). In addition they note that large sample sizes inevitably "detect statistically significant interactions,including sex differences, of clinically trivial and meaningless magnitude” [emphasis mine].

Personally, I'm not sure if the distinction between "no sex differences once corrected for body size" vs "very small sex differences once corrected for body size" is really all that important. In either case, differences within each sex are larger than differences between each sex, suggesting that it is some other factor underlying the differences (if they do indeed exist).

Sex Differences in Children's Brains

In addition to the above, simply finding small sex differences also wouldn't tell us the cause of these differences. The above studies were based on adults, and – as you've acknowledged – there's a significant difference between how we treat female and male people in society. Given the brain's highly plastic (changeable, adaptable) nature, it's probable that observed differences could be the result of this socialization.

The idea, then, is to look for sex differences in very young children, who have not been exposed to such gendered socialization yet. For example, this study [5] suggests there are small differences in regional brain volumes at birth and this study [6] claims to find small sex differences in fetal brain connectivity.

However, the conclusion that these results support biological differences between the sexes relies on the assumption that there are no differences in socialization at these stages. Other work [7] suggests that this is not a fair assumption, showing that "women who learn the sex of their fetus before birth are engaging in gendered verbal interactions throughout pregnancy." Given that we know children's language [8] and social [9] development begin in the womb, this difference in treatment suggests that gendered socialization can also begin in the womb.

If Sex Differences Do Exist, Do They Matter?

Beyond this, there appears to be a general assumption that if small sex differences are found they are also relevant. However, there's no current consensus on how or why any proposed brain sex differences would produce observed sex differences in mental disorders or behaviors [3, 4].

This is important because it's not so much the existence of a difference than the relevance of a difference that interests people. What does it matter whether there's a sex difference in a brain region's volume if it isn't related to sex differences in behavior? We're concerned with sex differences in the body (e.g., sex differences in lung size) because they have an impact on some relevant factor in people's lives (e.g., equity in sports, differences in lung disease [10]); the same is true of our interest in the brain, so the fact that we don't see reliable sex-driven connections between brains and behavior suggests that any differences may not be of particular interest.

Sexual Dimorphism in the Body

And there are sex differences in the body. In fact, the article [4] points out that the one reliable sex difference in brains (overall volume difference) is smaller than similar size differences in other organs.

This article [11] discuss the underlying factors (genetics and hormones) for human sex differences. For a single system's example, this review [12] discusses "sex-influenced immune responses" and what specific relevance they have to understanding and treating human disease. The book Invisible Women [13] discuss many more sex differences, how much of society ignores these differences, and the negative effects this has on women.

All of this is to say that I actually wouldn't have been surprised to see sex differences in the human brain. (Although I would still point out the tenuous connections between brain and behavior.) That being said, current research suggests that sex is not a reliable determinant of brain anatomy or physiology.

Individual Predispositions

To address your question of predisposition: It is likely that individual predispositions (i.e., genetic predispositions) play a role in some behaviors and cognition (the nature part of nature and nurture).

However, current evidence indicates that these predisposition are unlikely to be linked to sex.

I hope this helps you! Let me know if you have follow up questions!

References below the cut:

DeCasien, A. R., Guma, E., Liu, S., & Raznahan, A. (2022). Sex differences in the human brain: a roadmap for more careful analysis and interpretation of a biological reality. Biology of Sex Differences, 13(1), 43.

Williams, C. M., Peyre, H., Toro, R., & Ramus, F. (2021). Neuroanatomical norms in the UK Biobank: The impact of allometric scaling, sex, and age. Human Brain Mapping, 42(14), 4623-4642.

Eliot, L., Ahmed, A., Khan, H., & Patel, J. (2021). Dump the “dimorphism”: Comprehensive synthesis of human brain studies reveals few male-female differences beyond size. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 125, 667-697.

Eliot, L. (2024). Remembering the null hypothesis when searching for brain sex differences. Biology of sex Differences, 15(1), 14.

Khan, Y. T., Tsompanidis, A., Radecki, M. A., Dorfschmidt, L., APEX Consortium, Austin, T., ... & Baron-Cohen, S. (2024). Sex Differences in Human Brain Structure at Birth. bioRxiv, 2024-06.

Wheelock, M. D., Hect, J. L., Hernandez-Andrade, E., Hassan, S. S., Romero, R., Eggebrecht, A. T., & Thomason, M. E. (2019). Sex differences in functional connectivity during fetal brain development. Developmental cognitive neuroscience, 36, 100632.

Barnes, M. W. (2015). Anticipatory socialization of pregnant women: Learning fetal sex and gendered interactions. Sociological perspectives, 58(2), 187-203.

Gervain, J. (2018). The role of prenatal experience in language development. Current opinion in behavioral sciences, 21, 62-67.

Castiello, U., Becchio, C., Zoia, S., Nelini, C., Sartori, L., Blason, L., ... & Gallese, V. (2010). Wired to be social: the ontogeny of human interaction. PloS one, 5(10), e13199.

Carey, M. A., Card, J. W., Voltz, J. W., Arbes Jr, S. J., Germolec, D. R., Korach, K. S., & Zeldin, D. C. (2007). It's all about sex: male-female differences in lung development and disease. Trends in endocrinology and metabolism: TEM, 18(8), 308.

Federman, D. D. (2006). The biology of human sex differences. New England Journal of Medicine, 354(14), 1507-1514.

Wilkinson, N. M., Chen, H. C., Lechner, M. G., & Su, M. A. (2022). Sex differences in immunity. Annual review of immunology, 40(1), 75-94.

Perez, C. C. (2019). Invisible women: Data bias in a world designed for men. Abrams.

[good-beanswrites]

Any thoughts about your Hello Es AU?🎤

Thank you ooh -- this was so fun to think about! (I did some art earlier here :)) Spoiler warning for all three episodes of Hello Charlotte 🧸👁️🩸

So, out there in the real world somewhere, there exists “real Es”, (the Charles of the story) who has created Es as his perfect protagonist/ideal identity. Real Es ends up killing someone, and undergoing some kind of psychotic break that creates The House (now known as The Prison). Various people from his life appear there, each with their own murder, reflecting Real Es’ complex feelings about their own crime.

Es/Charlotte – A puppet at the whims of the audience. They have many forms along with conflicting thoughts and motivations. As lax as they may get about their own safety, they always take their duty to the tenets very seriously. They have a little Magalope pet :3 I know in canon the characters are separate, but I’m still picturing them as some combination of Q84 and Ep1/2 Charlotte. 

Fuuta/Felix – The fiery friend who's all bark and no bite. He’s the most openly aggressive out of everyone, but still ends up trying to help people around him. Through his attempts to do something helpful, his recklessness, and need to be treated as an adult, he can find himself in pretty significant danger.

Kazui/Aiden – Calm and quiet, but you get a sense he's very observant to the current situation in his silence. Just because he prefers to do his tailoring/piano hobbies doesn't mean he doesn’t have that underlying demon strength. The most parental over Es, even if they're not always receptive.

Shidou/Huxley – A doctor/scientist with a desire to help save the most (alien) lives that he can, even if it means living on the run as a criminal, as well as an odd coolness when it comes to unethical medical procedures.

Mikoto and John/Bennett – when he’s high on soap, he’s as cheery as always :) Just a normal working guy, you probably won’t even remember his face under the hazmat suit, very normal :) When the effects wear off and the stress gets to him, though, John fronts and isn't afraid to defend himself from any perceived threat.

Yuno/Florence – Puts up a cheery front and is happy to work when she's having fun. After a bit of prodding, she reveals a much more serious and jaded side. She gets along with everyone, but isn't afraid to tell her real feelings to Es when the time is right.

Haruka and Muu /Anri – I’m kind of splitting Anri to make two characters, still capturing her fluctuating status in school and attitude of give-and-receive in friendships. They're caring but clingy, they can be protective but also aggressive. Both of them go back and forth between the personalities we see from her in all three episodes. 

Amane/Frei – (I know in canon Frei is another Charlotte, so I think that works well given how close they are in age and stubbornness.) She sees things through a view of gods/religion, even if not everyone sees the situation that way. She's a bit at odds with Es, trying to persuade them to join in her mindset, but genuinely cares for their well-being while doing it.

Mahiru/Vincent – The new friend with some strange delusions of a perfect “heavenly” world, a hobby of literature, and suicidal intentions. Es takes pity on her after she receives serious injuries from people who reject her. Real Es developed some kind of attachment to her real counterpart (like Charles' idolization of Vincent), and this manifests into Mahiru crazy about relationships and love.

Kotoko/Scarlett – Has a close mindset to Es (close enough to stem more directly from them) but her intensity and drive for perfection/justice turn them into enemies in some timelines. She gets the closest look at the “real” situation compared to the others, seeing behind the scenes and criticizing Es and the Prison as a whole. She's determined she could do better herself, and Es takes her up on that…

—

I’m not going to make a whole post, but for a reverse au I think it’d be fun to see The House tenants featured in Charles’ milgram mv – as the focal character, the audience/Warden would probably assume Charlotte was his victim. Only later would they realize that Charlotte is the stand-in for himself, and that truly he feels responsible for not stopping Vincent’s suicide. 

[pencileraser1]

i think dead poets in nyc has permanently changed my perception of both todd and neil, anytime i think of them post canon i always picture them as more ethan hawke and rsl like than they are in canon.

if i remember correctly that was kind of the point, there was something about how they both had auditioned for opposite roles and peter weir decided to switch them so that by the end of the play they have swapped places in the story. it’s interesting to me how that plays out, particularly since I do think in a way they are both more themselves at the end of their character arcs than any other point. for todd it’s kind of obvious, as someone with social anxiety, although it seriously affects how i am around people, i mostly don’t really consider it to be my actual personality or what i’m really like even if it has a significant constant effect on my life. by the end of the movie todd has overcome some of that anxiety and is more comfortable existing as himself at least around the poets (see the later cave scenes and when they’re getting ready for the play) and additionally is able to stand up to nolan at the end of the play completely by himself (once he stood up it’s not surprising that half the class followed but still it was him that stood up first and he had no way of knowing what would happen).

neil to me is a bit more complicated but the way i’ve always interpreted his character arc (which is a pretty common interpretation i think) is that he always had some underlying mental health issues that he was able to hide, which was even easier since most of the movie takes place during probably the happiest period of his life. it’s interesting to me that in earlier versions he is more obviously depressed, and although i don’t consider them canon at all, i do think the intention kind of carried over, he’s still depressed but he’s hiding it instead of letting people see him in that way. although this anecdote was about todd, i think the interview with ethan hawke and rsl about the original desk scene kind of encapsulates the whole thing, i think it was ethan that said the reason the original scene didn’t work was because todd would never be that self deprecating in front of neil. i think it’s exactly the same for neil. (on a side note; the original scene i think still exists, like the whole $5.98 thing, just todd never externalizes any of those thoughts. there are multiple examples of this sort of thing comparing older versions of the script to newer ones, and i personally think they may exist in the same way, like an older version of the scene after the first confrontation with neil’s dad where neil is visibly angry, in the final version he hides it but i think he would be feeling similar emotions as could be seen in that version) to an extent i do think some of his personality is fabricated both more obviously for his father (see im trapped scene) and also in general around his peers, even if it is just pretending he’s more okay than he is although i kind of think it might go further than that . we only briefly see him pre-keating/the society/acting so it’s a bit hard to gauge what he was like before. the dropping the annual scene is the first and biggest sign something was off until the i’m trapped scene and i think it says a lot about how he deals with his issues as well as how he attempts to hide them (telling charlie and knox that they wouldn’t stand up to their parents either- im not entirely sure how true this is at least for knox but they both go along with it). since it’s an isolated incident it’s kind of easy to brush off if you don’t know where the movie is going to go, which is probably also true for his friends. after that one scene he never outwardly shows that anything is wrong other than briefly while talking to todd and in one filmed cut scene which i think was cut for a reason. to an extent even keating doesn’t know how bad it had gotten for neil; i don’t think if he knew neil was at risk of suicide he would’ve given the advice he did. the only time in the movie he actually seriously confides in someone is with keating briefly, and the next time they talk he goes back to pretending things are fine. his suicide attempt is him attempting to take control over his life in the only way he knows to do at that point. although it’s possible the only thing he hid from his peers was his mental illness, the possibility that he is masking to an even more extreme degree has always been interesting to me. for his whole life he has had to pretend to be someone else for his father, it makes sense that he’d feel the need to do the same for his friends. i don’t think he really fully learns that he can drop that mask around his friends, i think it just becomes too exhausting to hold up any longer.

i don’t thing neil would be the same post canon (if he lives). he ultimately fails at being the “dutiful son,” which even during the final argument with his father this is still something he is trying to sustain even if subconsciously, and that is part of the reason he can’t stand up to his father. i don’t think after the attempt that he’d continue to try to fulfill that role, which in turn i think could cause him to drop other aspects of his mask, esp. since everyone has already seen him at his worst. also i could see how after attempting suicide it might feel like none of this matters as much as he thought before. (to be clear i’m not trying to say his depression or his attempt is who he is, the depresson has a heavy impact on him which he hides from everyone else, up until his attempt, although i can see how comparing him as an inverse to todd whose social anxiety prevents him from doing what he wants and other people knowing who he is could come off that way.) we know todd has social anxiety and that isn’t Who he is even though it significantly impacts him and his life, and we get a better idea of who he is when his anxiety is lessened, at the same time neil is hiding the effects of his depression as well as other parts of himself and acts in a way that is most honest to who he is during the play, and to how much he is struggling in his last scene

this might be a big pile of nonsense sorry i just have too many thoughts about neil

[stalkedbytrains]

False Idols: Chapter 3

General Lucienne Prophet sped through the empty streets, as everyone else headed the other direction to light a candle in the Cathedral for their departed Chosen Executor. The trip back took a fraction of the time it took for her to get there in the first place.

Inside the base, she marched straight up to her massive airship, the only kind in use by the Ranger Corps. It was large enough to be qualified as a base in and of itself. It allowed Luce to monitor the ground war, and get to any theater that needed her immediate intervention in fighting, or, as it seemed to be more common, retreating.

Major Jeanie Marks was one of the first people to greet the returning General. “How was the funeral?”

“Long. Boring,” Luce said simply. She didn’t want to elaborate.

Marks nodded silently, not pressing the issue. She just followed the General as she headed toward her room. “Ma’am,” she finally said when Luce went to open her door, “I know today was hard on you. I got you something to make this day suck just a little bit less.”

Suddenly thrust into Luce’s one working hand was a very small plastic bag, filled with little white capped cookies. They were her favorite cookie, and how Major Marks managed to get some was no small feat. Instead of asking how she managed to get a luxury good this decadent in times of war, or saying thanks, the only thing the Ranger General could ask was, “Why?”

“Because you’re my General. And you’ve had a bad day. It is something to try and make you feel a little better.”

“How?”

“I bribed the crap out of a five-star chef.”

“Major… don’t go blowing your paycheck on me.”

“General Prophet, with all due respect, you don’t get to tell me how to spend my paycheck. I have no significant other, or family left, so I might as well show my appreciation to the best Ranger General in the last 200 years.”

“Thank you, Major Marks. Would you like one?”

“No thank you ma’am. I’m not big on sweets.”

Luce looked awkwardly at the little package of cookies in her hand totally unsure of what the proper thing to say or do was. There weren’t any words she could think of saying.

That’s when Major Marks filled the silence by relaying the message she just received over the radio, “Ma’am, I’ve done what you asked. High Chancellor Irving is here to see you.”

“High Chancellor, really? I was expecting an Inquisitor Attaché at the most.”

“You’re more important than you give yourself credit for,” Marks muttered.

Lucienne ignored it, or didn’t hear it. “Tell him to meet me here. How bad is the situation at Sietan?”

“It’s… bad.” Marks sighed.

“Better or worse than the Lighthouse?”

“Worse. Much, much worse.”

Luce swore under breath. “I want to take off as soon as possible. Get someone to my quarters to take off this Void cursed cast, and have all the squads ready to move before we get there. Understand, Ranger?”

The Major saluted and turned to do exactly what she was ordered to.

Luce entered her quarters, the largest on the ship by a small amount. The lights were on, like they always were. Every single corner of the room was lit up. No shadows would be tolerated in the room where she slept. She couldn’t sleep if there were any shadows.

A furry animal attacked her the moment she stepped through the doorway.

“Hey Sasha,” Luce smiled as she petted the massive war-dog that mauled her face with a slobbery assault.

The dog looked ecstatic to see her owner, but after a few seconds picked up Lucienne’s underlying sadness. Sasha whined.

“I know girl,” Luce said with a couple of scratches behind the dog’s graying fur. “I miss Theo too.”

Sasha got off her hind legs and whined a bit. She licked the palm of Luce’s good hand.

“I’ve got to get ready, we’ve got company coming,” Luce told her companion. Sasha responded by jumping back up on the bed. She cracked a smile. “I’m never going to get you to stay off the bed, am I?”

Sasha barked, then shook her head with a big, dopey grin.

Luce put the cookies down, and sorely tempted by the delicious looking indulgence, popped one into her mouth as she began to divest herself of the military funerary uniform coat. It was soft and fresh and sweet and utterly amazing. It was the best kind of cookie. It was made to perfection and, in fact, was still slightly warm. Just as she was finishing the first cookie when there was a knock at the door which prompted Luce to walk back and open the steel barrier. Sasha jumped off the bed and growled at the person beyond the threshold.

Outside the door was a balding man with the white and red robe of a High Chancellor of the Inquisition. “Sasha, calm down. Chancellor, come in. Irving, right?”

“General, this is quite… unprecedented. I am High Chancellor Mar-”

“Spare me the formalities,” Luce interrupted, walking back into her room. Her shoulders had risen slightly, taut with anxiety that wasn’t there a moment before. She had subconsciously stepped into a ready stance, so that if anything went wrong, she wouldn’t be caught flat footed. That fleeting happy feeling from the cookie was gone. “There is a war going on and I don’t have time for pleasantries.”

“Understandable,” the Chancellor said as he swept into the shadowless room. He stroked his stubble a couple of times as he observed the person before him. The wrappings around the General’s wrists caught his attention. They looked like the kind of like the kind of bandages or wraps that a fighter would put on to keep joints from swelling uncomfortably. But something seemed off about them, a worn look that suggested that perhaps it was applied some time ago, or perhaps reused a few too many times. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Michael is going to cost us this war,” Luce said as she pulled off her uniform jacket. “He was content to let each branch do as they’d please. The Infantry just keeps throwing people at the front lines to die in a war of attrition. His precious Paladins are doing nothing but protecting long ago abandoned Holy Sites that don’t do anyone living any good. The Navy is bottled up in bay protecting Thyros from those horrendous Corrupted sea creatures. Instead of working evacuations or even bombing runs, the Air Force is little more than a supply train. The Rangers are stretched thin trying to cover the bases left wide open. We are going to lose the war like this. As an Inquisitor, you must see this. We’ve already lost three million people in the last few years that Michael has taken direct command. Three million. We can’t keep stalling like this.”

“Three million, six hundred and forty-two thousand, three hundred and ninety,” Irving said quietly, “at last count. Only a fraction of them have been military deaths in combat. About forty percent roughly. And that isn’t even considering the deaths from the start of the war. The first years were rough. I believe the death toll is closer to twenty million.”

“That is too many. Far too many. I don’t want to lose another soul, but that seems to be the only way we know how to wage war,” Luce said as she held her gaze steadily at the floor. “Just keep throwing people at the problem hoping it will get fixed, all the while slowly losing ground to the Corrupt.”

“I am well aware of the recent… feuds between you and the tragically passed Executor,” Irving said with another stroke of his day-old stubble. He had begun to look at the aging war-dog who really looked more like a hunting wolf than a pet. “But I don’t see why this must include the Inquisition, or why we should go against the war plan of the fallen Most Holy Executor. He kept us alive this far.”

“Michael was an idiot,” Luce snapped, her eyes suddenly meeting the Inquisitor’s, still intimidating despite the broken arm. “He was leading us backwards, step by step, day by day. If we follow his plan, we will be out of soldiers to throw at the problem within the year. We need to totally abandon the current game plan and start fighting a war with the Corrupt, not another Separation War. We need to get everyone on the same page, everyone fighting the same war.”

“I’ll ignore your blatant heresy for the moment,” Irving said, noting the careful location of the lights. Even with two full grown adults, a giant war-dog, and all the furniture, there was barely a shadow. “What would you have the Inquisition do? Pick a side? Throw out the last orders of the Most Holy Executor?”

Luce sighed heavily. “I want this war over. That is what the Rangers were made for. What I was made for. We can end this given the chance.”

“The Rangers are little more than scouts, probing the darkness with a sword. You have no air support, no tanks, and only a few thousand people.”

“The Rangers are the sole branch of the military whose purpose is fighting the Corrupt. My people have been fighting them for years. We know how to fight them, we know how to beat them. And all I need is your help. I don’t want you to take a side, not publicly. I just need you to help me get the things that I need to do this job right. I need you to get the other branches to follow a unified leader.”

“You want us to find Michael’s replacement?” the High Chancellor asked.

“I need your help to bully, bribe, convince, whatever I need to get the other branches under a single unified leader,” she pleaded, hoping that the Inquisitor saw sense instead of blind faith in the outdated doctrine of a dead Executor.

“Why should we help you? Especially now since you are talking treason. You’re talking about disposing the Seven Star General.”

“Because the Rangers can do this! We’ve been doing this kind of thing for the last seven years! Because you know I’m right! Ryker is not helping this war at all.”

“And what about this plan of yours. Say we help you dispose of the Seven Star General, how do you plan on fighting the Second? When the Rangers’ best and Executor Michael went up against it, you came out of the fight gravely wounded, and Michael was dead.”

“Because this time we’ll be prepared! This time I’ll be in charge!” This time I’ll face it by myself.

“Not good enough.”

Luce opened her mouth to immediately start arguing, but Irving put his hands up. “You’re going to need help. And more than just strategic help and resources. I’ll have to run this up the chain of command.”

“You don’t have that much time. I don’t have that much time. I’m leaving for Dynas Sietan as soon as you step off my ship. I have another Citadel about to fall, another city I might lose to the darkness. We have a war to fight and I need an answer.”

“I have to ask my superiors. You’ll have an answer before your operation is over,” the Inquisitor said much to Luce’s dismay.

Sasha barked at him before he backed out of the room.

Luce’s hand went to Sasha’s head. “He’s not worth it.”

[-]

Outside, Irving watched the Ranger airship take off into the afternoon sun. He was approached by a tall woman with long dark hair, pulled back, except for her perfectly kept bangs that hung just above her eyes.

“It’s done,” Irving said. “She’s asking for someone to lead the armies as a single faction instead of separate branches.”

“She wants to dispose the Seven Star General?” asked the woman who towered over Irving. She didn’t bother to look at him.

“Yes, she believes Ryker and Michael were losing the war and that we can only stop the end of the world by working together. She’s leaving now with her Rangers to reinforce one of the last Chain Links left. They are the only ones participating in this war it seems. She’s turned the Rangers from a reconnaissance force into an elite strike team likes we’ve never seen before. And she wants your help in forcing the others to start helping,” he explained.

“Good,” the woman said. “We’ll make Lucienne Prophet Seven Star before the end of the week. Go find out exactly who we need to remove from power. And find Roth. Tell him I have a job for him.”

“Right away, Grand Inquisitor.”

the whole book is available in one go on my kofi

[cherrydyedsocks]

small concept I was considering

not sure if I'll ever write this out, but it's on the table! so kinda of mostly angsty but leans towards bittersweet / happy at the end.

shikadai and inojin have been together for a good while, and they are in their late teens at this point. 16-17 ish. there's always been a significant amount of pressure on both to split and marry someone else, but it's been getting worse as they get older.

both of their clan elders have been bringing it up often, and it gets to both of them. but in shikadai's sake, he's always worried from a young age about disappointing / not living up to his family expectations. (not to say that inojin doesn't feel similar, but ! thats for another time!) also wanted to add that the parents know about their relationship and are supportive, it's just tough with the elders being so troublesome.

shikadai has some kind of event (whether it be dream, hit to the head or something like that? does this make sense) in which he wakes up in a world that he's now about 35 years old, and he made the choice to sacrifice his own happiness and marry a woman of the clans chosing despite his sexuality.

he gave in under the pressure, and split things off with inojin as they wanted. (debating as to whether he remembers the split in this scenario bc ! that is such angst potential) inojin still followed his own happiness regardless, and ended up falling for another man and eventually marrying him. they have two children together, (the kids are test tube mitsuki baby or adopted it could be either).

shikadai spending a day in this life, where he has married someone he does not love. he has a child as well for the next clan heir and he does care for them, but there's always this underlying sadness as he goes through the day. regardless of what he does to take his mind off of this feeling, it always remains.

considering him maybe visiting shikamaru and temari, as well as paying a visit to chocho. (have not decided admittedly if I am for chocho/mitsuki or chocho/shinki!)

gosh and maybe there's a small get together between him and inojin, because even though they split up all those years ago, they still see each other on a regular basis. it brings to the front that very pain shikadai wishes to push down, but he cannot imagine a life in which he does not know inojin yamanaka. he still loves him, he thinks he'll love him till the day he dies.

the two of them getting together, inojin comes over to visit the nara household with some dinner that his husband cooked. shikadai's wife is. well he isn't sure where. all the kids are having a sleepover at auntie chocho's so it's just them in the kitchen. inojin finds himself handling the majority of the conversation, as shikadai is being pretty quiet.

inojin just unpacking the food and he's telling shikadai about what's going on lately in his life, and he's pretty energetic despite the fact shikadai isn't being the best conversationalist. he's just all, "and she's so skilled already at it, even though we just started training! definitely had more of a hold on mind transfer than I did at that age. do you remember that time," type chatter.

even though he's just mostly nodding in agreement, shikadai hasn't taken his eyes off of inojin. he takes in the sight of how he's grown and matured. his hair long and grown out, with half of it tied up in a ribbon. he's still so beautiful.

and shikadai just suddenly says it, confesses something he hadn't dared to for so long. "inojin. I think I made a mistake."

inojin just looking to him with confusion across his features like. "a mistake? what do you mean?"

gosh and just shikadai really breaking down with all those feelings that have been pent up in the years. (my thought process is he doesn't think this is a dream / or whatever, and believes it be his reality and that's just. yeah)

"I shouldn't have choose them over you, I shouldn't have cared about what they thought. it's my life isn't it?"

and inojin pauses, and there's a change to his expression. just a small pained smile. and he gives a small. "maybe." because at the end of the day, it is all said and done. they have built new lives apart from this affection, and it's been almost two decades since they were those teenagers defying all tradition. inojin walking over to him, and just cupping his his face gently. and gosh there's so much tenderness and care in his eyes, followed by so much pain.

shikadai with his eyes filling up with tears and he's just. "I love you inojin. I think I'll love you till the day I die. I wish it could have been different, I'm sorry."

green meeting blue.

"I love you too shikadai, and I always will. but maybe we weren't meant to be after all. maybe in another life somewhere, things worked out." and there's a pained tone to his words, even with the smile he wears on his face. for him shikadai broke his heart that very day, and he eventually found a way to rebuild it. as for shikadai, he's still tending to a gaping wound each day. giving very in another life I would have loved to call you mine, I would have loved to be doing taxes and laundry with you.

when shikadai awakes or comes back from it, it's a sort of wake up call that his happiness carries a large weight. that he should not sacrifice it for the sake of duty. and perhaps he holds inojin a little closer that day.

[bigsoftmarshmallow]

Here's something!

In the middle of battle, the Dorfs’ wife gets seriously injured. He rushes her to the healer's tent &... she nearly dies. Like, her heart actually stops beating for a minute or two.

I imagine him breaking down in utter despair, but then, he feels her fingers tighten ever so slightly around his. So weakly, but still it was something.

When it's all over, her eyes open weakly, a small, tired smile on her face.

I heard him whispering quietly, his voice shaking, “A'nï… A'nï barákúl ladhi gib u��yúl būjūn'so plix'nï…” (I… I believed that death had stolen you from me…)

Her voice rasps at him, yet the sound is the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard, “You won't be getting rid of me that easily.”

Later, I can’t help but think that he’d also be curious about what she experienced in death. Though, when asked, she says that he probably won’t believe her. Commenting that she actually doesn’t quite believe it herself.

Ganondorf insists & she looks at him for a moment & told him that when she was… wherever it was she’d been, there’d been a some twink there. Like, a bizarrely “pretty” twink. Which, she’ll comment, not her type. Too teen heartthrob, not enough “could crush a man’s skull with his bare hands.”

But, anyway, the pervert tried to kiss her, so she punched him in the teeth & told him she was married.

Apparently, he liked her loyalty, so he decided to “grant her a boon”? And then she woke up.

She asked if her husband knew what that meant. Who seemed to just stare at her, before calmly informing her that she’d most likely just gained the favor of Ôyáseem, Gerudo God of the Wind, Thieves, Temptation, & Death. He is known to detest infidelity & will grant boons to those who resist his temptations to remain loyal to their significant others.

I’d very much like his thoughts, feelings, opinions, & reactions to all this, please & thank you? Especially to the fact that his tiny little wife had impressed the death god of his people by all-but assaulting in.

When you punch god in the face because you are HAPPILY MARRIED THANK YOU-

I love this. Ganondorf (and apparently Demise as well. We cannot escape him no matter how much I tell him that THERE ISNT ANY GERUDO IN HIS ERA.) taking in how much his wife loves him and dammit he will never chance losing her again. Nemma may need a beating stick because the man just became her personal body guard. No personal space, because he will never leave.

Wife nearly dies, but comes back? Ganondorf: WHERE EVER YOU ARE I WONT BE FAR TO FOLLOW OHHHH I LOVE YOU SOOOOO JUST SO YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MEANS YOU ARE NEVER EVER EVER EVER GETTING RID OF ME-

^ Personal headcanon lol

Chat says differently me thinks->

***********************************************************************

When Ganondorf's wife nearly dies on the battlefield, the moment is shattering for him. Each version of Ganondorf, shaped by his experiences and personality, would react in his own way, but the underlying emotions would be strikingly similar—despair, helplessness, and a profound sense of loss. Seeing her heart stop would break something deep within him, especially given how much he values strength and loyalty. Her heart faltering would feel like the world itself was slipping away from him.

When she squeezes his hand, even the slightest movement would send a wave of relief through him, though it might take a moment to register. He’d whisper to her, voice shaking, hardly daring to believe she was still alive. Her raspy response would feel like a lifeline, a reassurance that he hadn’t lost her.

Afterward, when she recounts her experience of nearly dying and mentions the strange encounter with the “pretty twink,” Ganondorf’s reaction would be a mix of curiosity, disbelief, and a deep, almost reverent respect for her.

Wind Waker Ganondorf might laugh a bit darkly when she mentions punching the deity. His eyes would narrow with a mix of pride and relief, though the idea that his wife had impressed Ôyáseem would sober him quickly. He might tease her about being so fiercely loyal even to the gods, but beneath the humor, there's a deep sense of gratitude that she’s still with him, and perhaps a bit of awe that she now carries the favor of such a powerful deity.

Ocarina of Time Ganondorf would be more serious. He’s not one to easily express his emotions, but hearing her story would stir something deep within him. He’d likely be silent for a moment, processing the idea that his wife had not only faced death but had also won the favor of the Gerudo God of Death. His respect for her would deepen, though he might not show it overtly. Instead, he’d hold her close, perhaps whispering something about how he’s glad she’s as stubborn as ever.

Twilight Princess Ganondorf would be deeply affected. His connection to ancient powers and his own experience with divine forces would make him keenly aware of the significance of her encounter. He might react with a grim sort of pride, appreciating her defiance in the face of such a being. He would be deeply relieved that she’s alive and would likely become more protective of her, though he’d admire her strength all the more.

Hyrule Warriors Ganondorf would have a mix of pride and possessiveness. The idea that his wife impressed a god by rejecting him would fill Ganondorf with a sense of fierce pride. He might even feel a bit of rivalry with Ôyáseem, though he’d never admit it. He’d likely make some comment about how no god could take her from him, and his grip on her would tighten, both as a show of protection and affection.

Tears of the Kingdom Ganondorf might react with a sense of grim satisfaction. Having seen the power of the Zonai and other divine beings, he’d understand the gravity of her experience. The fact that she resisted such a being would impress him deeply, though his reaction might be more internalized. He might quietly vow to honor the boon she’s received, recognizing the favor of Ôyáseem as something that could be both a blessing and a responsibility.

Demise would likely be furious at first—not with her, but with the situation that nearly took her from him. Hearing her story, though, his fury might turn into a sort of grudging respect for Ôyáseem, though he’d never voice it. He would be more openly protective after this, perhaps even more possessive, viewing her survival and the boon as something that proves her worthiness even more. Her loyalty would resonate deeply with him, though he might express it in a more intense, perhaps slightly ominous way, promising that no force, mortal or divine, would ever take her from him again.

In all versions, Ganondorf would be deeply moved by her experience, though his outward reaction would vary based on his personality. The idea that she had impressed Ôyáseem by resisting his advances would only strengthen his love and respect for her, though he might also feel a renewed determination to protect her from any further harm.

[a-model-of-propriety]

I find it fascinating to trace the development of Jekyll and Lisa's relationship through the various versions of the musical. On the surface, not much changes; Lisa (or Emma, depending on the version) Carew, fiancée of Henry Jekyll, watches helplessly as he dives deeper into his obsession with his experiments, only discovering the true reason for his isolation when it is too late. Whether we look at the Lisa of the early demo recordings, the Emma of the Broadway productions, or any version in between, her role and her fate remains largely unchanged.

Even so, her relationship with Jekyll, specifically its portrayal in their song(s), underwent arguably the most rewrites of the entire show. While (very early drafts of) some songs, such as "Alive" and "Murder, Murder", appear as early as the very first demo recording in 1986 (and by 1987 Lucy's main songs make their appearances as well), Jekyll and Lisa's main duet of "Take Me As I Am" does not appear until 1994's "Gothic Musical Thriller" album, after which the song does not undergo any significant changes.

In TMAIA's place, the pair sing several different songs, including "Love Has Come of Age", a duet version of "Someone Like You", "The First Time", and several more. In the 1986 demo, half of the songs are duets between Lisa and Jekyll!

Out of all the rewrites and cut songs, why did "Take Me As I Am" manage to stick? And why was it the only true Jekyll/Lisa duet to survive revisions?

Though earlier drafts of Jekyll & Hyde devoted more attention to Lisa and Jekyll's relationship (which I, as resident Lisa fan, thoroughly enjoyed), the extra songs did very little, if anything, to progress the plot or develop the show's major motifs. Most early Jekyll/Lisa duets were generic love duets, serving no other purpose but to tell the audience that Jekyll and Lisa were, in fact, in love with each other. Most of these early duets exist mainly to serve this purpose, bogging down the story because they did nothing to address any other aspect of the story than their love and longing. The songs were, in the grand scheme of the show, redundant.

This is where "Take Me As I Am" stands out from the cut songs. While it still serves the important function of Duet To Show How Much They Love Each Other, TMAIA also speaks to the underlying motif of "known vs. unknown". The reason Lisa and Jekyll love each other, at least when we first meet them, is that they truly know, understand, and accept each other. Only when Jekyll starts hiding (pun intended) things from her does their relationship start to show cracks.

From the very beginning of the show, Jekyll's "need to know" the secrets of humanity is set forth as a driving factor of his character. It is in the pursuit of knowledge that he starts down the destructive road of the plot. His desire to know is central to who he is (and, through him, central to the show). Because "knowing" is central to Jekyll's character, Wildhorn centered his and Lisa's relationship on knowing each other. For Jekyll, Lisa is security. She is the only person that knows him, and he knows that he can depend on her to remain a constant in his life. She won't abandon him, no matter how far he dives into his experiments.

Where Lisa represents knowledge and stability, Lucy represents the unknown that Jekyll dives into as the show progresses. Lucy says herself that "no one knows who [she is]", framing her as the opposite of Lisa. Her life is foreign to Jekyll, and she is the person that inspires Jekyll to experiment on himself. Lisa is the known, but Lucy is the unknown that Jekyll desperately needs to understand.

Without "Take Me As I Am", Lisa loses the "known vs. unknown" significance that makes both her and Lucy more compelling characters. None of the earlier songs (with the possible exception of "If You Only Knew", which I desperately want more productions to include) provide that symbolism, which is why, in the end, TMAIA was the only one that could survive revisions.

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

🎵 Bookstore

5. "There is another Entity, more malignant, pulling the strings in Martinaise. Perhaps in my travels I will cross paths with it."

PLAISANCE - "A *third order* presence, yes..." She lets go of the pendant.

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - A great, dark relief washes over her.

PLAISANCE - "I've heard of these *tri-actors*. In certain occult literature that's too dark to dwell on for too long -- and definitely not in the presence of my daughter." She gestures for you to be silent.

"I understand everything, sir. Thank you for descending into the maelström. I will keep fort up here -- strengthen the wards, do my best. And if you happen upon the Third Entity in your travels…"

Task complete: Investigate the Doomed Commercial Area

+70 XP

Level up!

PLAISANCE - "May the Lord be with you." She performs an x-shaped cross on her chest.

KIM KITSURAGI - "Well, this has been absolutely *educational*. If we happen on the *Third Presence* in our travels we will certainly come back to tell you."

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - Yes, the venture continues. In other waters. Darker waters.

KIM KITSURAGI - He turns to you. "Should we get out of here -- before the *vortex* collapses?"

SHIVERS [Challenging: Success] - The shop around you feels ancient suddenly, damp and saturated by the coastal air. The books are rotting, a great cold lives here. And there, too -- 1200 metres away, on the urban coast. The dark shape of a church is reflected on the water, calling.

3. "Farewell for now, book peddler!" [Leave.]

Let's take care of a few *small* tasks while we're still in Martinaise. We're not going to do anything that will take a significant amount of time, like painting the wall. Mostly I want to reattempt some checks so we have things to spend levels on.

We're going to start by checking in with Gaston and René.

Or... just Gaston?

GASTON MARTIN - "Officer..." The jolliness is gone from Gaston's face. "Care to play a game with a lonely old man?"

"Actually never mind... Wouldn't be the same..."

"Hey, Gaston, I found you a new *boule*." (Hold out the ball.)

"Where is René?"

"I wanted to ask you about the Union again."

[Rhetoric - Legendary 14] Convince Gaston to relinquish his sandwich.

"Bye for now." [Leave.]

GASTON MARTIN - "The prick is gone," he replies, trying to smile. "I... I can barely believe it, but he's really gone."

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - He is trying to retain his jolly façade, but the underlying sadness casts a deep shadow over his wrinkled face.

"Gone? Gone where?"

"Do you know what happened to his medals?"

"May René rest in peace." (Conclude.)

GASTON MARTIN - Gaston sighs and mumbles, more to himself than you: "Hell, most likely. He was an absolute cunt..."

🎵 Live With Me

"How did he die exactly?"

"Was he really that bad?"

"Do you know what happened to his medals?"

"I offer my sincere condolences." (Conclude.)

"Old people die, you better get ready too." (Conclude.)

GASTON MARTIN - "His angry little heart finally gave out." He sighs. "The dockworkers found him in the guard booth this morning. Wasn't even supposed to be working for another week, but he just had to prove how tough he is..."

REACTION SPEED [Medium: Success] - Wait... did he push himself to prove he can pull his weight and doesn't need hand-outs?

GASTON MARTIN - "Guess he was about to head home, 'cause when the dockworkers found him he was wearing civilian clothes and not the cockatoo uniform I saw him in all the time."

"Sometimes I thought he was wearing it just to piss me off." Gaston smiles a sad smile. "Now the joke's on him, 'cause he's gonna be buried without it."

REACTION SPEED [Medium: Success] - That means the uniform could still be in the guard booth -- something to keep in mind if you *really* plan to give yourself to Revachol.

"Do you think our conversation about his job pushed him to go out there?"

"The irony isn't lost on me, but I wanted to ask about something else."

GASTON MARTIN - "No," he replies quickly. "René was the most stubborn man in Revachol. Nothing you or I could say would ever *push* him to do anything. The man was completely immovable."

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - He has doubts, but right now he just wants to move on and not think about it.

2. "Was he really that bad?"

GASTON MARTIN - "I repeat -- an *absolute* cunt." He turns to look at the crater. "Even his old army buddies didn't want him around. He was like an old viper."

"The only people who could stand to be around him were Jeannie and me…" He pauses. "She saw something in him when we were just kids, and…"

His voice trembles. "...a-and she never lost sight of it. And I thought if the most beautiful being in the world can love him, then there must be something worth holding on to..."

3. "Did you love him?"

GASTON MARTIN - "We've hated each other our entire lives. So much in fact that..." He falls silent and looks at you, eyes filling up with tears.

"Yes. I... I loved that angry prick. He didn't deserve it, but I did." He wipes his eyes with a sleeve. "You know what his last words to me were?"

"Something mean?"

"That he's sorry?"

"Some right-wing royalist slogan?"

"Something forgettable, like 'See you tomorrow' probably?"

"Tell me."

GASTON MARTIN - "'In Guillaume's time you'd have been shot without a trial'. That's what he said to me." The old man gathers himself and wipes his eyes again. "He lived a cunt and he died a cunt. Let's leave it at that."

4. "Do you know what happened to his medals?"

GASTON MARTIN - He looks at you for a moment and then speaks quietly. "I took them for myself. Took them to remember that old cunt. Nobody knew him better than I did, and I want to remember that old cunt by something."

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] - Strange how *old cunt* sounds almost gentle when he says it now.

We're not going to be able to convince René we're a war hero now.

5. "Here, something to remember your friend by…" (Give him the photograph of René and the girl.)

Item lost: Photo of a Happy Couple

GASTON MARTIN - "Let me see..." Gaston takes the photo, hands trembling. "This was 60 years ago! We all went to that parade. Young René looks so happy and Jeannie..." Eyes blurry with tears, he has to stop.

"I'm sorry, officer, I just..." He dries his eyes. "Thank you, *thank you* for this little memorabilia. It really means the world to me."

+5 XP

KIM KITSURAGI - "That was nice," the lieutenant smiles. "A small thing for us, but invaluable to him. He probably didn't even know René had the photo."

+1 Reputation

6. "Old people die, you better get ready too." (Conclude.)

GASTON MARTIN - "Yes..." A strange expression runs across his wrinkled face, then vanishes without trace.

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] - He finds comfort in the thought.

GASTON MARTIN - "We all got to go some time, officer. Everyone I love is already there. Probably waiting for me." He smiles faintly. "I'm not afraid to die. It's been a good run and I really miss my friends..."

KIM KITSURAGI - "We are both very sorry for your loss," the lieutenant bows his head. "Death of a friend is a terrible thing."

GASTON MARTIN - "It is what it is... part of life," he mumbles, only half-listening to you. "But to know someone for 79 years, then one day they're just *gone*..."

"I just don't know anymore... about anything really." He slowly shakes his head, then remembers your presence. "But you... you must need something?"

"Too bad René's gone, I was hoping to ask him about May bells..." (Hold out the flower.)

GASTON MARTIN - The old man stares at the flower, then sighs and says: "René wasn't really what you'd call a botanist, officer. And believe me, he didn't like Insulindian Lilies."

"Wait, Insulindian Lillies?"

"Why didn't he like them?"

GASTON MARTIN - "Mhmh," he replies with a slight nod. "That's their old name, dating back to the time of kings and crests and all that other stuff he loved so much."

"Why didn't he like them?"

GASTON MARTIN - "There were many reasons, but mostly it was the communards. They called them 'The Bells of Revolution'." A sad smile passes his face.

"I guess in the end the Insulindian Lillies were just another piece of the Old Insulinde, the royalists had to surrender to the Mazovian insurgents. It doesn't really matter anymore."

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] - But you feel the dried flower in your hand somehow still *does* matter. Although not to this sad old man.

"Hey, Gaston, I found you a new *boule*." (Hold out the ball.)

GASTON MARTIN - Gaston glumly stares at the shot put ball. Several seconds pass. Then he speaks: "It's too late now, officer... you got back too late. René is gone."

"The prick survived all the bullets, swords and explosions just to die of a heart attack..." He sighs deeply. "Ironic, isn't it -- even his own bitter little heart couldn't stand him."

"Keep it, it's not even a real *boule*." He waves you away. "Besides, it doesn't really matter now. I've never seen anyone else play pétanque in Martinaise."

Task complete: Replace lost boule

+10 XP

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success] - He will never play pétanque again.

3. "Bye for now." [Leave.]

Now that we know this, we also lose the option to try and take Gaston's sandwich. It just wouldn't be right.

The next check we need to retry is...

KNICK-KNACKS STAND - You see rows of toy soldiers guarding the rest of the trinkets displayed on the table: some on horseback, others in rags, others yet in bright blue uniforms. All are stern and unyielding in their duty.

4. [Interfacing - Medium 10] Dig up a truly *cool* figurine in the box under the table.

INTERFACING [Medium: Success] - Why, what's this? A headless man riding a horse? A headless man wearing futuristic track suit trousers that say FALN!

"What is this?" (Show it to the shopkeep.)

BIRD'S NEST ROY - "Oh, that's the Headless FALN Rider."

"*Who*?"

"Of course." (Nod knowingly.)

BIRD'S NEST ROY - "There's been a lot of *interest* in that particular figurine. I had to hide it so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands."

RHETORIC [Easy: Success] - He doesn't elaborate on these 'wrong hands' -- it's unlikely that he ever will.

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant studies the tiny figurine in your hand. "I've heard about it," he says with amusement, "I've heard the Headless FALN Rider rides a headless bull."

BIRD'S NEST ROY - "Yes, there are several competing versions of the story, but I believe this figurine is a more canonical representation."

(Look at Kim, then back at Roy.) "Sorry, what are we talking about again?"

BIRD'S NEST ROY - "The Headless FALN Rider. It's an urban legend -- about a man who rides the streets of Revachol sporting a FALN tracksuit. As you can see, he's missing his head." He points at the decapitated figurine.

"Fifty cents. Bargain-priced! I'll throw in the tiny cap too -- I think he's looking for it, or something. That part of the story has many interpretations."

LOGIC [Medium: Success] - He lost his cap when he lost his head. Perhaps he's looking for the *head*?

4. Purchase the Headless FALN Rider and his cap.

BIRD'S NEST ROY - "Did I mention that this figurine is supposed to be lucky? Always carry it with you." He grins.

SUGGESTION [Easy: Success] - That was a very smooth salesman's grin that almost comes off as earnest. You should learn from him.

4. Step away from the table. [Leave.]

FIGURINE SET "HEADLESS FALN RIDER"

The plastic Headless FALN Rider sits atop his equally plastic bull, his posture indicating either desperation or pride. Comes as a set with the infamous FALN cap for which he lost his head. (The head is not included.)

🎵 Martinaise, Terminal B

NIGHTWATCHMAN'S BOOTH - This is the nightwatchman's booth. The name on the door reads *René Arnoux*. René left his uniform neatly folded on the table.

AUTHORITY [Easy: Success] - Generally speaking, it would be *dishonourable* to take it. But then... it looks like a military uniform! And wearing that is very honourable. So, a conflict of honour. It's up to you.

Take the uniform.

[Leave.]

Item gained: Royal Carabineer Jacket

Item gained: Royal Carabineer Pants

Let's just not let Gaston know we have these.

KIM KITSURAGI - "I suppose René is not going to be needing it anymore." He studies the uniform. "It's a bit too colourful for my taste, though."

"It's, uhm, needed for work and all that."

"This is gonna take my shit to the next level."

"I'm done here."

+1 Superstar Cop

KIM KITSURAGI - "Fantastic. Try not to wear it with other similarly colourful clothes, okay?"

ROYAL CARABINEER JACKET

+1 to Revacholian Nationhood: Proud nationalist

The beautifully adorned jacket of the Royal Carabineers has three stars on its shoulders and the word Capitaine written on the chest. Neatly patched here-and-there, it's impossible not to feel love for the Fatherland when you wear it.

Maybe we shouldn't have taken these at all, actually.

ROYAL CARABINEER PANTS

+1 Reaction Speed: Vigilance!

These pants are made from synthetic lightweight fiber and designed to let the carabineer's legs and groin breathe. Red stripes are there to inspire courage, while the golden stripe symbolizes the patriotic flame in the wearer's heart.

CARGO CONTAINER DOOR - You're back before the cargo container. Its draw has not lessened since you were last here. If anything, it seems to have grown slightly.

3. [Rhetoric - Impossible 18] Persuade the door to open.

+1 Erratic, yet thorough. +1 Been in the world for two days. +1 Been in the world for many days. +1 Precarious world. +1 One more door. +1 Icosahedral Dice Set "Sirens"

RHETORIC [Impossible: Failure] - Aaaaand as it's always been -- it's impossible to open a container with rhetoric. Maybe you're losing your mind?

*Still* not enough, despite having almost every bonus to this check it's possible for us to get. The only way for us to open this door is going to be to put more points into Rehtoric.

Ok, that's all the things I wanted to take care of. Let's move on.

[gretchensinister]

How about the word 'flower' or 'bloom'?

Flower:

“Yes, what does it mean?” UrGoh said. “I said my thoughts had clarified and now again I am unsure of what to say.” His arms shifted and UrVa guessed he had folded both pairs of hands in front of himself. “I brought up the ideal of indifference as an ideal no one meets, and what I think is useful about it. But do you see...do you see how an ideal no one can meet could be used...unhelpfully? It is one thing to remind oneself to not get upset over inconvenient rain or a pot that shattered in the kiln. It is one thing for UrMa, when called upon, to speak of this ideal when reminding those who called on him that harmony among urRu is more important than any other factor in the situation he must mediate. But I think it is another thing entirely if...imagine an urRu says they prefer the color yellow, and then they are exhorted to think of the ideal of indifference, and after that UrUtt is not to give them any yellow clothing, and something like lingering and looking at lidofad flowers in the spring becomes a failing for them in the urRu way. Even though, had they not expressed a preference, there would be nothing strife-causing or immoderate about their behavior.”

Bloom: Now, I know you've read at least significant portions of Incarnation, so really, what are you trying to get me to reveal?

Anyway, here's UrGoh talking. This is long, long before he learns the way skeksis use that word.

“Oh, UrVa,” UrGoh said. “Well. What this has to do with singing out upon Thra with no other mystics is that when I...when I touch the Song in that way, there is something like the faintest underlying harmony...the faintest scent...the lightest touch. And whatever it is, I feel like it is telling me that there is some way for my capacity for wonders to be...cracked open? That does not give the right sense. To bloom? To ignite? I must simply be patient, and completely open to whatever it is.”

[ivycopper]

This was abt Teller at first but escalated into lgbt+ discourse, soz. Hear me out though, bc I feel like this is important?? Kinda???

Honestly getting on my nerves how journalists keep calling Teller by his deadname. Like, that's not his name. You know his name. Use that.

It's worse when ppl do it to trans folks bc then there's dysphoria on top of the disrespect, but it's still not cool to deadname anyone. You don't know their reasons, and they don't owe you an explanation.

Even if the reason is just that they like it that way, nothing more, it's still significant enough for them to change something so integral as their name. It doesn't have to be traumatic to be personal.

Also, you quite honestly don't even know how a person's deadname could interact with their gender identity without that person having to be trans - there's other dynamics within gender identity that might interact with their name, even if the person is on the cis spectrum.

The fact that Teller refuses to tell ppl his former first name should be enough of an indicator for ppl to treat it like a deadname, if they haven't realised it's a weird question in the first place. Like,,, drop the topic, dude. He doesn't need to tell you why he doesn't like it. He doesn't even need to tell you whether he doesn't like it.

Like, we get it, you're a journalist. We know you want to get something out of him that's quirky and interesting. But there's ppl out there who aren't trying to be quirky with their names, and whether Teller is one of them or not, they're just trying to feel like themselves. Most ppl, actually. And if you ask your interviewees intrusive questions abt their names, you're at risk of making someone like that deeply uncomfortable.

Now, I don't know Teller personally. But from the fact that he hasn't ever given a reason abt his name change and doesn't want to tell his deadname to ppl, I'm fairly sure it goes deeper than trying to be interesting. And then there's the fact that even his parents called him Teller since the 80s!

And another thing we kinda should talk abt, bc it ties into it: As a society, we're slowly learning to treat sensitive topics respectfully and interviewers have got less pushy abt things that could potentially relate to disability, health, self image, queerness etc. Journalists are slowly realising that forcing a celebrity to out themselves or give away something they later regret or discuss things that aren't easy for a broader audience to relate to isn't good journalism, it's bad style. But for some reason, they seem to think this doesn't quite apply to old ppl.

I think that's bc of an underlying assumption that Old Ppl (tm) are all more or less conventional in terms of views, lifestyle and identity. And that sucks.

[Adding more general tags bc this really isn't just abt Teller.]

[transgenderer]

i keep having this thought about history, about wanting to learn history, where i feel like...an anthropological interest, in reading about the precolonial societies of the americas, but its knowledge that doesnt give the satisfying effect of understanding the world a little better, because the nature of colonialism wiped away the significance of all that history yknow? or like, it didnt wipe it away of course, its still in the causal past, but it scrambled it

okay so like. one thing is if youre me, it seems kind of spooky that writing lets us know specific information about the past that we couldnt know any other way, that nobody not even a superintelligence, aliens, whatever could know. writing is special in that its like...a noise-resistant signature. every event leaves a causal signature, reverse the arrow of time (and charge and parity) and you get the past back, the past is inherent in the present. BUT its extremely noise sensitive, so up to our resolution we literally cant know certain details about the past, its mathematically impossible. but writing is noise resistant! that something was written down tells us a real fact about the past ("someone wrote this down") from which we can extrapolate other facts about the past

and culture, human history, etc, is kind of similar, in that we can learn facts about the past and then see how it affected our future, we can see how our history is in part determined by the way such and such a battle went in 100 BC or whatever. the connection is clear both ways. and the thing about colonialism is, it scrambled that influence. if mesoamerican history had gone different in some relatively minor way, if some other group had been the hegemon in mexico, im sure the modern world would be different, probably significantly so, but it wouldnt be *legibly* different, itd be different in a way very much life if you added a bunch of random noise to our world, yknow? does that make sense? so learning precolonial history doesnt give us idk, a much better model of the chain of causality underlying history. this is also partially true in like, subsaharan africa but less so of course. but i think it also kind of holds there. colonialism scrambled things. generally not true in asia imo, colonalism seems to have wiped things a lot less, used preexisting divisions a lot more, etc. it helps that theres a restrictive geography in most of asia thats less present in africa