#or some other kind of exercise? tire out my body even if my brain won't stop running circles to try and find something to occupy itself

[girlscience]

I am BORED. I haven't had a fixation in a bit and I don't have much to do at work right now unless I am in the field since I don't have a project yet, so I don't have anything to think about. I have tried working on worldbuilding and oc stuff and reading fanfic and getting back into one piece and various other shows and tried to read a couple books and doing chores around my apartment and doing stuff with the other grads or with friends, and nothing is working. I am still so so so bored.

[habibialkaysani]

so look. I have been having another bad brain week. am thinking it would be good to get down some of why I’m feeling shitty. this will get long.

1) I just feel inexplicably sad all the time. so fucking sad. and I’m trying so hard to have energy to do shit, but it’s so difficult esp when out of nowhere I keep being on the verge of tears for no apparent reason??? and because of a combo of my meds, my hormones (bc my period is due soon) and my bpd flaring after a manic phase - I just feel really turbulent in my emotions. I go from up to down in ten seconds and I hate that. 

2) things have been super stressful with family. it looks like my little brother has a drug problem because he got arrested a week or so ago. he wasn't charged but I'm still super worried about him esp because he won't open up to me no matter how understanding I try to be with him.

3) then there's my nan, who is now out of hospital but who is also not given the best prognosis - I don't know the specifics but unless she has a liver transplant she doesn't have that long. which worries me. especially given how my uncles are just really shitty people who keep picking fights even while their probably dying mother is suffering.

4) speaking of. everyone is going to see my nan in my family and social distancing is not a thing for anyone right now. and family members keep getting huffy because we want to keep shielding speedy.

5) I got an email from work from a certain colleague who tbh I did not have the best relationship with saying that she was leaving, and that someone in another office was briefed on my furlough situation. but in the email it seemed to suggest that me returning to the office wasn't completely off the table which seemed strange, because when I was first told I was being furloughed it was with the understanding that I would eventually be made redundant. and idk. the thought of returning to that office... for some reason it fills me with dread. I've been having a lot of bad dreams about work and I hate that. I hate that I have to work and make a living because I don't want to. I hate being an adult.

6) I'm trying to do other stuff that I need to get done and I'm making progress with some writing things, but finding the energy to do that is so fucking hard.

7) I've been having so much trouble with my body image lately. like I've touched on this before but I've had a high bmi for a long time, and at one point it was 35, which is well into the obese category. but when I look in the mirror I - don't feel its as bad? like I know my mum's weight. it's a good five kilos less than me but her tummy looks bigger and physically she looks bigger than me. I say this not because I want to start any kind of competition or point scoring exercise - for certain my mother has been doing more walking than I have because I hate going to the park knowing that people aren't socially distancing or taking it seriously. I'm only mentioning it because I'm wondering about the limitations of bmi. at the same time maybe I just can't see what is on the scales. my bmi did go down a bit in recent months and was around 32 last time I checked, but I just. kinda like my mood, I keep bouncing between liking how I look when I see my reflection, to hating myself with a passion. and neither of those things are good for me.

8) generally I feel really tired all the time. even tho I haven't been doing much. like technically I am bc speedy needs homeschooling and that has been my job in the absence of an actual job. but I haven't been walking much. I haven't been moving around. and quite honestly I'm wondering what the point is of all this, because being in lockdown this long has not been fun. and given the uk is not exactly doing well in terms of coronavirus transmission and deaths I highly doubt they're going to go through with their plans to open up.

tl;dr I need to figure out my purpose in life because my brain is a mess. I don't think that means I'm going to be doing anything drastic so if you're reading this and are worried, don't be. I know I have it easier than some people esp because I'm still being paid, just not my full wage. I just feel really lost, and anytime I want to have a conversation about it I just - don't know who to talk to. this is deep shit and I don't want to land anything on anyone. its not fair that I keep having these mini breakdowns and for anyone to have to shoulder that burden for me. but hopefully just getting it down in words will help to get it out of my system.