#or some epic Jeff Dunham one liners

[forevermore-quoth-the-kitten]

The Bats as Jeff Dunham Arguments

Bruce: look, kids, i have a surprise for you.

Jason: *gasps* you’re going in the closet?

Bruce: h- no, and the phrase is ‘coming out of the closet’.

Dick: *gasps* congratulations!”

Bruce: no I’m not coming out of the closet.

Steph: you’re going to continue to hide the truth?

Bruce, getting annoyed: I’m not hiding anything.

Dick: So everyone knows now? congratulations!

Bruce, gestureing to Selina, who waves: I have a girlfriend!

Tim: *gasps* does she knooww? Maybe she will like this one guy!

Bruce: there is no one guy!

Jason: then there are many guys?!

Damian: who are a whoorreee.

Bruce: no-

Damian: you should be stoonneeeddd.

Bruce: Damian-

Tim, offended on behalf of the laughing ghost of Martha Wayne: what would your mother say?!

Bruce, resisting the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose: I’m not a whore.

Steph: of course your mother would say she’s not a whore!

Bruce: I’m straight.

Jason: straight, crooked, we do not need to know such graphic details!

Bruce: i mean i have a girlfriend. *Selina’s still behind him trying not to laugh*

Dick: not for loonnngggg. not when she finds out about your many boyfriends.

Damian: whooorreee.

Bruce, no longer able to resist the urge: will you please listen to me.

Jason: i do not talk to whores. you are dead to me.

Bruce, suddenly smirking: you’re dead to all of us.

Jason, shocked and pissed: *jaw dropped*

everyone else in the room: *laughing*

-

Bruce: can we see him?

Jason, taking his chance and pretending he wasn’t talking about his boyfriend: you see him every day.

Bruce: what?

Dick, voice raised: He said, you see him every day!

Bruce: I heard him.

Steph: then why did you say what?

Bruce: what?

Duke, getting in on it: he said, why did you say what?

Bruce: why are you yelling?

Tim: because you keep saying what!

Damian: apparently he cannot hear us.

Jason: he’s getting old.

Bruce: what?

Jason: see!

Cass: he said ‘what’ again.

Dick: it’s downhill after 50.

Damian: he’s been farting more now too.

Steph, nodding: i know, old guys do that.

Bruce, raising his voice now: excuse me.

Cass, hiding a grin: i think he farted again.

Duke: at least he’s polite.

Bruce: guys!

Dick: yes Bruce?

Tim: It’s ok to get old Bruce!

Steph: it happens to everyone!

Jason: unless you die first.

Bruce: my hearing is fine!

Duke: then why are you yelling?

Bruce: i don’t know.

Jason, meeting all of the other kids gazes: he’s confused.

Bruce: no I’m not.

Dick: and in denial!

Bruce: what are you talking about?

Tim: and he’s senile.

Steph: yup.

Cass, patting a very annoyed Bruce’s shoulder: its ok.

Bruce: excuse me!

Dick: why? did you fart again?

Bruce: No

Duke: so it was just the once?

Bruce, about to lose it: what would happen if I snapped and killed you?

Damian: that would make you homicidal.

Bruce: exactly.

Jason: so you’re admitting you’re gay?

-

Steph, turning to Tim in the cave after patrol: hey! before i forget, you changed all the wifi passwords!

Tim, distracted while looking over a mission he’s working: i did.

Steph: why?

Tim: uuhhhh, security maintenance?

Steph: . . . did- did you just make that up?

Tim: i think so.

Steph: ok, so you changed all 3 to new passwords.

Tim, still not looking away from the batcomputer: yes i did.

Steph: ok, so the penthouse wifi, the cave wifi, and the wifi at home?

Tim: right. and this time i made the passwords unusual so that we would rememebr them, but they wouldn’y be guessed easily.

Steph: great. so what’s the password for the penthouse at WE?

Tim: I Can’t Tell You.

Steph: what?

Tim: I Can’t Tell You.

Steph: why not?

Tim: why not what?

Steph: why can’t you tell me?

Tim: tell you what?

Steph: the password.

Tim: i just did.

Steph: no you didn’t.

Tim: yes i did.

Steph: what is it?

Tim: I Can’t Tell You

Steph, getting annoyed: why not?

Tim, still not fully paying attention: why not what?

Steph: why can’t you tell me?

Tim: I just did.

Steph: are you insane?!

*everyone else is watching and trying desperately not to make a sound* *Babs is recording the footage for later*

Tim: no.

Steph: then what’s the password!

Tim: I Can’t Tell You.

Steph: JERK!

Tim, finally turning away from the computer, confused: what?

Steph: you’re a big jerk!

Tim: why?

Steph: i am asking for one simple password for our wifi in the penthouse!

Tim: and you should have it!

Steph: so what is it?

Tim: I Can’t Tell You.

Steph: i hate you!

Tim: are we good?

Steph: fine!

Tim: fine.

Steph: fine!

Tim: fine.

Steph: fine! can i have the one for the cave?

Tim: yes.

Steph: what’s that one?

Tim: I Don’t Remember.

Steph: why not?

Tim: . . why not what?

Steph: why can’t you remember?

Tim: no, I Don’t Remember.

Steph: ok, why don’t you remember?

Tim: i do.

Steph: ok.

Tim: ok.

Steph: so what is it?

Tim: I Don’t Remember.

Steph: hoooly crap. *hangs head and facepalms* did you write it down?

Tim: why should I?

Steph: In case you forgot it.

Tim, a little bit insulted: i won’t forget it.

Steph: clearly you just did!

Tim: no i didn’t.

Steph: then what’s the password?

Tim: I Don’t Remember.

Steph: what the- we have 3 wifi networks!

Tim: yes

Steph: and you made up all the passwords!

Tim: i did

Steph: and you should know them all!

Tim: by heart.

Steph: and I should have them too!

Tim: of course you should!

Steph: what is the password for the wifi in the penthouse?

Tim: I. Can’t. Tell You.

Steph: what’s the one for the cave?

Tim: I Don’t Remember.

Steph: you have the one for the house?!

Tim: yes.

Steph: and what is that one?

Tim: You Have to Guess It

Steph: III Cannn’t Guess Iiitttt!

Tim: well of course not!

Steph: so what is it?!

Tim: You Have To Guess It

Steph: I caaaaan’t!

Tim: you’re making no sense!

Steph: I’m making no sense?! You’re making no sense!

Tim: I don’t know what to say to you! *throws his arms up for a moment*

Steph: what’s the wifi for the Manor?

Tim: You Have to Guess It

Steph: SCREW YOU!

Tim: i don’t deserve that!

Steph: I asked you for the password for the penthouse.

Tim: yes.

Steph: you said I can’t tell you.

Tim: yes.

Steph: then i asked for the cave one and you said I don’t remember.

Tim: also correct.

Steph: and now the one for the house you say i have to guess it.

Tim: you got them all perfectly! *smiling*

Steph, close to tears: wHatT tHe HeLl ArE yOu TaLkInG aBoUt?

Tim, annoyed again: whoudl you like to see the passwords in black and white? 

Steph: Yes i would! 

Tim:they’re on my computer!

Steph: can i go look?

Tim: of course.

Steph: thanks!

*she starts to stalk away, its a miracle she already knows his computer password. The others finally lose it, half of them wheezing on the ground as the others are barley able to stand, much to the very exhausted Tim and Steph’s confusion*