#or rip ur hand up if it’s less gentle/chill

[comfortless]

AHH I was the anon from the Bear!Ko ask ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ I adore it so much like I’m kicking my feet and twirling my hair your ideas are CHEFS KISS AND IM GLAD YOU LIKED THE PROMPTT

Definitely not excited that you’re considering more hybrid stuff.. TEEHEE ʕ •́؈•̀ ₎

BUT YEAH JUST THOUGHT TO DROP SOMETHING NEW CUZ WHY NOT! Maybe Ko being deployed on a mission to some wild terrain, having to camp out on the grounds for a while by himself. Reader taking interest in the behemoth and toying with him until he finds out they’re a fae or nymph

Or a game of hide and seek.. in the dark.. with him.. maybe even a wolf!ko

ONCE AGAIN ID LOVE TO SEE YOU WORK UR MAGIC ON THESE IDEAS (｡♥‿♥｡)

hi, 🧸!! working on something with a lycanthrope Kö at the moment, but this is… well it is something! i adore the idea of König with a cute (insatiable) nymph!! definitely give @cookiepie111’s Drink From The Leche of Sirens a read if you haven’t already. <3

content/warnings: 18+. minors do not interact. fae nonsense (reader is a tree nymph), vague smut.

It isn’t that he ever intended to be here, not really. Simple surveillance, Fender had told him. Any knowing soldier would recognize the equipment that did not even need hands to tend to it, the cameras that should be set and monitored, and yet there were none in place here— just König, a loaded gun, and the stillness of the forest that seemed to stretch ever onward.

There’s been a lapse for the past week, with Kortac’s most adept at retrieving information out seeking just that, off with their radios constantly abuzz and adrenaline running rampant through their veins.

There’s an envy harbored somewhere in the back of his skull, twittering and hissing when he thinks on it too much… shelved for an uncharacteristic mistake to be left here amongst plants and scattered animal sounds, a temporary solace that would be ripped away when something new came through the chain of command; an overabundance of the very things he would care to think less about.

König hasn’t seen another person in days, not out here, tracking a vehicle carrying supposed smuggled weapons. There are no tire tracks, not even air traffic passing above: only gloom, loneliness, and the chill of early spring.

Then the abandoned house, where he takes refuge. It’s dated: the furniture all in various states of disarray, shattered porcelain about the kitchen and vaulted ceilings so high he doesn’t even need to bother with ducking to cross from room to room. It’s old on the exterior, stately, with vines creeping up its walls to reach the warmest height to bloom. Though internally, it is clear the place has not been left to rot for long: no loose boards, no holes in the ceiling or floor, just seemingly preserved somehow, as though time itself had come to still.

He doesn’t mind the daily patrols through the forest, the pensive stalking and creeping to find any hint of what he was after. Even through the night, when sleep forgets to lure him in for warmth and comfort amidst the pollen and silence, the walking never seems to grate on him.

There are lights, often, amongst the trees, faint pulses of glowing white that dissipate the moment his gaze sweeps over them. He’s read the fairytales as a child, even witnessed Conor get so drunk once that he shared his own tales of the ‘wee folk’, but König would feel a fool to believe any of that at face value. Most of his own kind were not interested in him, shying away with laughter or pitying gazes the moment he approached, so why would anything else be drawn to a man who could never quite scrub the blood from his fingernails or keep a conversation from spinning out into silence and uneasy glances?

It’s during one of these nightly walks that he first sees her, a vision bathed beneath the milky glow of the moon, ethereal, yet still nothing short of a proper blessing from the earth. Despite the distance from his path to her own, her body looks soft, bare and gentle. The growing thorns and clusters of ivy do not scrape her, only gently pull aside as she walks, tender and swaying like the petals sprung up from the plants for little fingers ghost over.

He only thinks that, assuredly, he’s lost his mind. The vision fades away when she looks at him, curls her lips into a smile… and then it is all gone. She leaves not a trace, no footprints indented into the soil he knows he had only just watched her tread. The flowers he saw her pull into being have vanished, too. All that remains is a dulled aura of dread, a strange thing that he has not felt in years, if ever at all.

König does not think of the woman until she appears again, during the day amidst the leaves of a sprawling sycamore. She lies against the bark, body resting over a healthy branch where she sleeps in a position so demure it sets his heart ablaze. The breeze caresses her hair, something he wishes to feel beneath his own fingertips; it whistles over her bare skin while the sun bathes her in rays of gold, filtered out through pinprick partings in the leaves, begs, pleads for him to touch. Forbidden fruit, too lofty to touch, too dainty for ash and blood.

He only walks away, carries on with the focus of his mission, reminds himself of every time that he’s sought some semblance of companionship and how those escapades had all simmered down to nothing but taunting echoes for sleepless nights. There was no need for any more ghosts, not even the pretty ones.

With nothing else in sight, he returns to that house where time halts and loses himself to want; swallows dry when he frees himself of his buckle and pulls out his growing erection. A release and an expelling of memory all in one.

He thinks of her, of her graceful walk amidst the darkened woods, of the way she lay, perfectly unscathed and beautiful, unknowing of any thing that plagues him, scatters from his grim expression right down to his very marrow. The imaginings… he would never speak of them, perhaps would only have the information pried from him that he thought of her smile when he spilled himself into his palm, but only if she came to beg for it with a voice he imagines must be tree sticky and sweet like warmed honey. Only if she came for him.

There lies a meadow just past an abrupt opening in the tree line, small and subdued by outstretched branches that curl over the grass and wildflowers still yet to bloom. No chill lingers here, as though summer stretches over the little glade and settles atop it with its warmth, masks even the little pond that does not seem to carry the same frosted panes of ice that the others he had seen do. There is fruit, puny red berries and hefty pears causing their limbs to bend, gently set them down for the earth and all of the animals roaming about to eat.

And he knows he’s stumbled upon her home.

He finds his voice when she peeks at him from behind the trunk, wide-eyed and curious with the softest curl about her lips, playful but tentative.

“Hallo,” he whispers, raising his gloved hand as if to wave, but curling his fingers into his palm instead. He’s horribly uncertain, caught between the alarming thought that he’s dealing with some perturbing nudist or something… else entirely.

“Hello,” she says, almost shy as she unveils herself from behind the tree, takes a step toward him with a tender look in her eyes and a long draw of breath. Sets his nerves at ease with her silent admittance that she, too, at least seemed wary.

König immediately tells her why he’s here, not in full detail, sparing the poor doe the tedium and the confidential bits that would likely only make her head spin, and then… he mentions how he had seen her, how the forest seemed to yield to her whims, her dancing beneath the moon that appeared to shine only for her. He gives her a curious look, undetectable beneath the darkened hood, pleads for her to explain in his own silent sort of way.

“I have seen you too,” she says instead, curling her arms behind her back, pushing out her chest, and… he doesn’t think to ask any further.

She’s the loveliest thing that he has ever seen or felt: places herself right into his lap when she guides him down to the grass. There’s sap on her fingertips when she presses them to his lips, curiously grazing them over his mouth as he speaks to her about the forest, a forest he’s already deemed to be her own, obscure princess that she was. She giggles when he dares to lick over each intruding digit, even gives a shaky, soft sigh when he suckles at one.

The nymph whispers things into his ear that he’s never heard before: things about each sprouting plant, of other things that hide away in the shade beneath branches and how they had all seen him too, about the earth and life and softer secrets about her beloved tree. Home and love without ever daring to speak words so simple. She does not ask about the dreadful things he does not think about, only lies back in the grass when he praises her beauty and the lovely notes of her voice.

He thinks for a moment that he should not touch her, should not have her grace wasted on something like him, but she rises up only enough to kiss him through the hood and he finds himself tugged down to tickling blades of grass and his mind finally does quiet.

She cradles him close as he claims her love for his own, steals sap from her lips and follows her sighs to a comforting oblivion. Her hands find his neck, his shoulders to offer gentle touches, tracing patterns like the intricate twisting of vines against his flesh all while he praises their union, her sweetness.

He doesn’t know how long he’s spent with her, the day seems to to stretch on for an eternity with the sun high above, but when he wakes… he is back inside of the old, quiet house, lying in the bed he knows with a certainty that he’s never even touched. Fender’s voice is calling to him over the radio, clipped and demanding for a report, one that proves nothing at all, a barrage of words filled with wonder and bliss with no intel on the mission.

And König isn’t shocked by the leave he’s given once he does return to base the following day. Three weeks time would be just enough to clear his head, regain his focus, pull money from his account to purchase that lonesome old house in the forest. He couldn’t bare the thought of never seeing such an angel again, never hearing the soft chittering of her voice or being blessed with the feeling of her beneath him, intertwined like the vines she so loved.

[rosebuds-painted-my-cats]

I love this website cause unlike other websites that leave character limits on everything on Tumblr I can go in the tags and ramble about interacting with cats for 2 paragraphs and nothing will stop me

[beca-mitchell]

if ur feeling it, i’d Love to see what you do with 33 from the prompt list!

this life, what if it’s you and me? (1/1)

summary: Chloe’s wedding day. 

word count: 2.7k

to fulfill prompt 33: i missed something, didn’t i? (title from “crowded places” by banks) 

“Are you really going to try dating him?”

Piercing blue eyes search her own, inquisitively. The question, innocent on its face, hangs above them.

Beca fears she might have revealed too much, far too soon. She never planned on revealing anything at all.

“Why do you ask?”

Hanging there in the precipice, always between something more and something that resembles nothing at all, Beca turns from the crossroads.

“No, I…no reason. I’m happy for you, Chlo. I swear.”

“Ugh,” Beca groans, burying her face into her pillow. Somewhere, her alarm rings, likely knocked off her bedside after the previous night’s drunken activities. She has vague memory of how she stumbled home after the bar, but beyond that, nothing stands out with startling clarity. Or her head is doing a bang-up job of censoring her memories for her.

That’s fine, Beca thinks. One less problem to deal with.

One and a half years later and the question still haunts her. Both questions haunt her: one for revealing her innermost secrets, and the other for providing an opportunity which she decided to avoid.

She still thinks about asking Chloe that question at all, but she had to know. She wonders what would have happened if she never asked Chloe at all – or, maybe, if she never turned the corner at that moment to see Chloe firmly in a liplock with Chicago.

Now, all she knows is that Chloe wanted – Chloe chose Chicago – and that was all the certainty Beca needed.

That was it. Chloe didn’t want her then and definitely not now – not while she runs herself ragged trying to prepare for a wedding to end all weddings (as per Aubrey, who is Chloe’s maid of honor).

When Beca first received the wedding invite, she had locked herself in her apartment, too shocked to even call somebody to talk about it. At least, in her own home, she could cry about it and drink as much as she needed to without judgment from prying eyes.

Beca preferred the solitude. She still does.

But, God, did it hurt.

It still does.

Beca pours herself the largest possible mug of coffee available and inhales the aroma greedily trying to wipe the ebbs of sleep from her mind.

She figures she needs as much help as she can get, considering she has to go to Chloe’s honest-to-God wedding today.

It’s today.

Her traitorous mind tiredly runs through the same routine: every moment she shared with Chloe in school, every crackle of chemistry, he sly glances and soft touches that lingered just a bit too long…Beca always thought they probably didn’t mean anything, but a small part of her hoped, while a larger part of her ignored out of fear that she was reading too much into it.

The fear was temporary, fleeting.

Now, the smaller part of her – the one that held so much hope – is permanently crushed at the confirmation that Chloe didn’t want her at all.

A heartbroken sob escapes and Beca hastily swipes at the lone tear that escapes her eye. She quickly leans heavily on the counter and breathes out through her mouth for a few moments, applying pressure to her eyes. “Stop,” she mumbles.

“You mean the world to me, Beca. I would love if you were my maid of honor.”

“Stop,” she whispers again. “Please, stop.”

“…I can’t…”

She has made so many mistakes in her life.

She can only learn to live with them.

Beca is startled out of the a lazy mix she had been working on by a series of short, determined knocks on her door. Glancing at her watch, she groans.

She’s definitely late for something per Aubrey’s detailed schedule. She just can’t be bothered.

Five quick strides and she rips open the door, not wanting to hear Aubrey’s tirade or recital of events for the day.

She doesn’t need to be reminded.

“What do you…” Her voice cuts off abruptly as she quickly takes in biggest, most expressive pair of blue eyes she had ever seen, eyes that stare back at her in surprise and shock.

“Beca,” Chloe says softly.

Beca swallows. “Why are you here?”

“To see you,” Chloe answers quietly as she takes in Beca’s bedraggled state. She notes the redness around Beca’s eyes as well and takes a deep breath to steady herself, feeling something in her chest respond in kind to Beca’s evident distress. “Beca, what’s wrong?”

Chloe tries to come up with a reason why Beca is so upset, but every reason seems crazier than the last.

When Aubrey noted that Beca declined the breakfast/brunch she had prepared, Chloe had been worried and ducked out early, citing a family emergency.

It isn’t a lie exactly – Beca is family. She always will be.

“Well, here I am,” Beca mutters, ignoring the second question.

“Uh, yeah,” Chloe says, for once at a loss for words. Concern and sadness rise up in her as she takes in Beca’s shattered state, though she notes at the back of her mind that Beca still looks beautiful. “You can talk to me, Bec,” Chloe says, adopting a gentler tone. She hesitates in the doorway, glancing at Beca meaningfully, nearly begging to be let in.

Beca barely resists from rolling her eyes. “In or out, Chloe. Just shut the door behind you.” She walks back into her living room and sits on the couch where she had been perched earlier.

Chloe silently follows Beca into the apartment, closing the door after herself. “Thank you.”

Beca scrubs her face with her hands, buying some time so she doesn’t lash out at Chloe. When she looks up at Chloe again, all she sees is love and a gentleness that only breaks her heart even more. She scrapes at the million tiny pieces of her heart and holds them protectively. “What do you want, Chloe?”

“Aubrey was concerned that-” Chloe swallows at the lie. “No, sorry. I was concerned that something happened to you. After last night-”

Beca pauses. “What happened last night?” she asks slowly. A funny sensation rises up in her throat as the faintest of memories assaults her senses.

“God, your voicemail again.”

“You called me.”

No.

“I didn’t,” Beca replies immediately. Instinctively.

“Don’t marry him, Chloe. Please. Please, I’m begging now. I don’t know what else to do.”

“Fuck,” she mumbles one the memory hits her at full force with startling clarity.

Chloe looks stricken, hovering nervously by the end of the couch. “Beca, why?”

“Why what?” Beca asks tiredly. There are too many questions that require answers and Beca has long run out of responses.

The quiet question spurs Chloe forward and she steps just beside Beca. Their legs could touch ever so slightly. Beca can feel the warmth radiating from Chloe’s body. Chloe’s question, however, sends a chill down her spine. “I…I missed something, didn’t I?”

Beca shakes her head and runs a hand through her hair. She needs a fucking shower. “It doesn’t matter, Chloe.”

“It does,” Chloe pushes, dropping to her knees by the couch. “Beca, please. There was a reason you called me last night. Last night of all things. There was something you needed to say to me.”

Beca thinks she’s said everything she could possibly say.

(But she knows that’s a lie. There’s so much more.)

“You’re marrying Chicago today, Chloe,” Beca mutters. Chloe clamps her mouth shut, in the middle of protesting. “You’re marrying him and that’s that, isn’t it? There doesn’t need to be anything more to it. There isn’t anything more to it,” Beca stresses. She picks up her headphones from the table. “I’m busy. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“But you don’t want me to marry him,” Chloe says, light strain in her voice. “You said so yourself last night.”

Beca grits her teeth. “I was drunk.”

“Why?”

“Why was I drunk?”

Chloe’s patience thins. “Why don’t you want me to marry him?”

God, Chloe is fucking persistent.

Beca’s closes her eyes, not wanting to see Chloe’s fucking light beam eyes directed on her. “It doesn’t matter, Chlo.” Even the nickname makes her heart clench.

“It does matter because you matter to me, Bec. I want to know what you think.”

“No, I don’t,” Beca mutters. “No, you don’t,” she adds, hearing Chloe’s sharp inhale.

Chloe thinks of the girl she met all those years ago – the one with the quick wit and breathtaking sarcasm. It felt refreshing to see somebody who looked straight at her and saw her for everything she was – faults and all. Beca had been exactly what she needed and Chloe hadn’t needed anything more for almost ten years.

For ten years, she had waited silently, wondering if maybe Beca felt something more for her.

Until finally she had enough.

(Most days she thinks of Beca and how she could have never had Beca anyway. She mutes her voice of reason – oddly a voice that sounds like Aubrey’s voice – and goes on with her day. At least Chicago wanted her and wanted to marry her and he wasn’t afraid to show it.

Chloe thinks her own cowardice has less to do with it all. She hopes, at least. She always hopes.)

Seeing Beca this distressed, the tiny ember of hope flares to life again, paired neatly alongside Chloe’s own pain at seeing Beca so hurt.

She needs to know if Beca wants her.

She has to know because she feels like she missed something crucial along the way.

“Yes, I do. I want to know why. Please tell me what I missed.” Chloe murmurs, finally giving into her desire to reach out to Beca. She puts a hesitant hand on Beca’s knee, wondering if Beca will lash out, but she knows that Beca wouldn’t do anything that could hurt her. She rubs a thumb over smooth skin, marveling briefly at how soft Beca’s skin is.

A small tremble runs through Beca’s body.

“Chlo, stop,” Beca says, finally pushing Chloe’s hand away.

“Please,” Chloe whispers. “Help me understand.”

Beca can’t do it. She refuses.

To put voice to the words…there would be no going back after that. For as much as she wants to hold Chloe and kiss her and claim her as her own like she so desperately wants, she can’t.

She can’t.

“Don’t,” Beca chokes out. The hand on her leg refuses to be displaced. “Please just go.”

Chloe’s heart thuds at the utter devastation evident on Beca’s face and she pushes herself up off the floor to daringly sit directly in front of the brunette on the couch. She takes a quick breath before reaching out for Beca delicately. She wonders where she can touch Beca, finally settling on her shoulder, then her neck, letting her fingers skate lightly across Beca’s neck until she is able to thread her fingers through soft hairs. She squeezes Beca’s knee encouragingly with her other hand. “Look at me. You can trust me.”

Beca shakes her head. “I can’t,” she says very quietly.

“You can,” Chloe murmurs, hurt rushing through her at the thought of Beca not being able to trust her, even if she’s not sure what Beca responding to. “Come on, Bec. Look at me, please.”

While she was certain that her heart couldn’t break any more, hearing that nickname fall from Chloe’s lips so tenderly completely breaks her resolve. She inhales deeply, finally forcing herself to look at Chloe’s eyes. Big blue eyes – soft affection, quiet longing – stare back at her imploringly.

“Hey, you,” Chloe murmurs. “There you are.” She smiles at Beca in a reassuring way before she reaches for Beca’s hand to give it a light squeeze. Beca’s eyelids flutter as they naturally grow to hold hands delicately, making the smile on Chloe’s face widen. “Why?”

“Why are you so insistent about this?” Beca asks in quiet defeat as she stares resignedly into Chloe’s bright blue eyes, now glistening more with unshed tears. “Why does it matter?”

Chloe has long known that Beca’s stubborn streak often won out. If Beca, in this moment, chooses to stay silent, Chloe knows she has no chance. But she feels a crack in Beca’s façade. It’s as big as the crack in Chloe’s restraint, so she finally lets go. “I need to know if you feel this too.”

Beca startles, her leg twitching as if she’s barely restraining herself from jumping up from the couch. “Chloe…”

She doesn’t need to ask what ‘this’ is. She knows because it bubbles up in her chest, out of her control.

“Please, Beca,” Chloe murmurs, scooting forward she’s pressed closer to Beca’s leg. She tilts her head so she’s facing Beca head-on and she sucks in a breath at the intimacy of their positions. They’re so close that she can count Beca’s eyelashes. She reaches up tentatively with her hand to trace over Beca’s lips with her finger.

(It is fitting – so fitting – that Chloe finds herself on her knees in front of Beca Mitchell, asking for something – anything – to make her stay. She just wants to stay.)

The feeling of Chloe’s finger on her lips is her downfall. “I feel it. I feel it all so much. These feelings for you,” she murmurs. Chloe’s wandering cradles her face tenderly and she can’t help but to turn into Chloe’s gentle touch, hastily soaking in all the warmth and committing the feeling to memory.

“Me too,” Chloe whispers, stroking Beca’s cheek with her thumb.

Soft.

“Oh, Beca,” she breathes out and watches Beca’s eyes flutter shut, concealing her favorite blue for just a moment.

Uncaring and no longer able to restrain herself, she wraps her arms around Beca’s shoulders, pulling her into an embrace. The naturalness of their positions however, sends warmth and happiness through Chloe’s body as Beca’s entire body seems to melt into her own.

“That’s what you missed,” Beca murmurs in a small, broken voice as she wraps her arms around Chloe’s waist to holds her close. She wonders if this is the last time and inhales a little greedily before pressing her lips against Chloe’s neck.

Chloe’s hand continues to stroke soothingly up her back and neck, lulling Beca into a peaceful state. It sends pleasurable tingles up her spine and she shivers, pressing another, firmer kiss against Chloe’s neck. It’s not quite the most comfortable hug due to their positions on the couch, but Beca is reluctant to let go. She can’t let go.

Chloe whimpers quietly at the sensation of Beca’s lips against her neck and gently urges Beca backwards. “Beca…”

“Don’t marry him, Chloe.”

An echo of the previous night’s drunken voicemail, but this time with sober clarity.

“Why?” Chloe asks before she can stop herself.

Beca smiles, seeing the truth shining in Chloe’s eyes. Still, she finally puts her entire heart on the line. “Because I love you. I love you and I swear to you that I will do everything within my power to make you happy. Let me love you – let me just show you how - and, God, please say that you’ll love me in return.”

Chloe thinks she should say something in return, but all she feels is a sob bubbling up from between her lips. She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes and she blinks back her own tears of disappointment, not quite believing that Beca has managed to render her speechless.

Instead, she shakes her head, reaching up to pull Beca down for a kiss, heavy with both joy and relief. It is sweet, lingering, and soft as Beca’s hands come up to tangle in her hair.

I love you, too.

Chloe exhales shakily, letting Beca rest her forehead against hers once they pull apart. A light, pleased blush tints both their cheeks as Beca’s thumb traces over her cheekbone so tenderly that it makes Chloe want to cry. “Don’t marry him,” Beca says softly, almost like an echo of a distant dream.

“I won’t,” Chloe responds, finally.

Tears spring to Beca’s eyes and she tugs Chloe up so that they’re both sitting on the edge of the couch. “Are you in love with me, too?”

The ‘too’ isn’t lost on Chloe and she laughs a little breathlessly, wondering how her day turned out this way.

“I always have been, Beca.”

fin / fic tag

[bartsugsy]

The Robron Break-Ups : A Definitive Guide (Part Five/Five Hundred probably)

Part One / Previous Part / All / AO3 

Ah yes, it’s that time again: time for me to literally recap Robert and Aaron’s storyline and pretend it’s for any reason other than “I wanna”.

Let’s just rename this whole thing to The Robert and Aaron Love Story: A Tale of Mess and Suffering™ and be done with it.

In this part, we move swiftly on from the Era of Donny and into what I tend to class as my favourite era (…nah that’s fucked up lo).

Thank you, as always, for the comments/likes/kudos. You guys honestly make me feel slightly less guilty about spending this much free time on something this self-indulgent. I love you all.

We left our heroes (so to speak) in the midst of a The First Real Break Up. They’re not spending much time together and Robert is out for revenge on Adam Barton for cheating on his little sister and knocking up Vanessa.

Yeah. The irony.

…Let’s not think about it. Instead, let’s get straight down to, at last, another reunion… which is then immediately followed by The Second Real Break Up. And oh fuck, this one is worse. 

Actually, this is a post of nothing but honourable mentions, ending in one spectacular, monster of a proper break up. Buckle up, kids! It’s Lodge Time!

Part Five: Love, Lodge and (attempted mans)Laughter

Honourable Mention #12: 8th June 2015

We left off with Robert, who is trying to send Adam to jail for cheating on Victoria, which isn’t even a slight overreaction and is completely reasonable. Adam and Vic have a whole plot that culminates in the two of them running away to get married because they’re pure and adorable and in love and because Vic almost manslaughtered Ashley.

There’s loads of drama and it’s great and Robert has terrible hair but he’s all about helping his sister - and blaming her boyfriend in the process. He vows to send Adam to the police in Victoria’s place regardless of what she wants - Vic obviously doesn’t approve and tells him so. Robert’s response is the verbal equivalent of a shrug. Between this and the just as vocal, if not as cartoon villain cruel, disapproval of both their families, Adam and Victoria make the decision to not let anyone in on the plans when they elope.

ALSO SCRAPPY THE DOG IS THERE RIP SCRAPPY U WERE A GOOD BOY

In fact, Aaron and Finn are the only ones who know anything at all. As they’re leaving, Adam and Vic send texts out to everyone they love - Vic texts Andy with a sweet little “I love you but we want to get married, sorry x”, while Adam texts Robert “Get nutted.” True poetry.

Upon receiving these texts, Rob and Andy go racing off to the scrapyard, where they are met with a smug Aaron and an adorable Scrappy (COME BACK BOY). Robert and Aaron go back and forth angrily at one another and Rob is all “I can see where your loyalties lie” while looking IRRITATED AF that said loyalties no longer lie with him.

Aaron immediately counters with a threatening little “You what?” and Robert instantly looks back at Andy, suddenly remembering just how much he can’t actually afford to piss off Aaron, because Aaron knows too much. He does a swift U-turn and instead tries to play to Aaron’s sympathies, because that’s always worked so well before, and says that he just wants to protect his sister. Aaron, naturally, doesn’t believe a word which pisses Robert off again and he ends up threatening Aaron -

Well. He says “When I find them … you’re in as much trouble as they are.” Which. As threats go. Not really Robert’s most inspired. Aaron acts like he isn’t bothered, calls Rob “mate” about a hundred times over to really emphasise the “WE’RE NOT BONING ANYMORE” aspect of this whole conversation and Rob and Aaron keep going at it and getting more and more pissy until Aaron throws his tea onto the ground next to Robert’s probably expensive shoes and retreats back into the Portacabin.

Andy reappears suddenly because oh yeah, he’s still there. We all almost forgot amongst all that sizzling hatred. Andy is as oblivious as the rest of the village bar Katie (rest in peace). Robert looks #shook because Aaron used to love him ok and turns around and vows to kill Adam. Which is. You know. Again. Completely reasonable and not at all unhinged.

Although honestly, given what he gets up to in the rest of this part, it really is but a gentle blip on the Robert Sugden 2015 Scale of Violence and Terror™.

Honourable Mention #13: 9th June 2015

Robert decides to take matters into his own hands, as Robert is wont to do. He breaks into the Portacabin while Aaron’s out and searches the place, on the hunt for Victoria’s phone, which has been left in Aaron’s care (because Vic seems to think Rob, Diane or Andy would have the know-how to track her via Find my iPhone or whatever. I guarantee that none of them would.)

He finds it and goes to leave - just as Aaron is returning with Scrappy (so much Scrappy content, this is truly a highlight). He runs back to a desk chair and tries to act like a chill person who is absolutely up to only good things. Aaron is not even slightly surprised to find Robert sitting at a desk (the desk that will one day be Robert’s what a true blessing). Rob tries to act like he’s there to charm his sister’s whereabouts out of Aaron and let’s be real here, deep down he wants that shit to work.

It doesn’t, because Aaron has been there, done that enough times to know better by this point.

So Rob’s charm doesn’t work and Robert makes a swift escape, Vic’s phone safely in his pocket. It takes Aaron exactly 1.75 seconds to realise that something is up and he immediately checks to see if the phone is still there. Aaron… knows Robert so well. I’m emo.

Rob goes straight back to the Woolie to hang with Andy because appaz they’re buddies at the moment. He fills Andy in and reveals that he has sent a text to Diane from Vic’s phone, pretending to be Vic, to keep Diane in the dark while he tries to sort everything out himself.

Aaron comes marching in and demands Robert return the phones. Robert is all geared up and ready for some aggressive, sexually charged and evasive banter. Unfortunately, that’s when Andy decides to pipe up and full on accidentally admit that Robert has the phone, because the Sugden brother brains weren’t divided equally in the not-even-same gene pool jackpot of their lives.

It’s great though, because Aaron places his hand next to Robert’s head and leans right down into him and starts growling, basically. Andy doesn’t even question this because Andy literally has never cared less about anyone’s love life than he has about Robert’s, let’s be completely honest. He does not care enough to even question the fact that Aaron is literally sticking his face into Robert’s face. He doesn’t give one shit lads.

Robert does though because Robert absolutely still wants to be boning Aaron. Aaron has no intention of getting anywhere near that D though, so. Here we are. Sexually charged, angry growling.

I mean, I’ll take it.

Honourable Mention #14: 15th - 25th June 2015

Aaron and Andy, ever buddies, later meet up and try to get information out of each other - Andy wants to know where Victoria is and Aaron wants to know why Robert is sending texts to Diane from Vic’s phone. This morphs into a great conversation about Robert (or rather about how much Aaron does not trust Robert). Poor, easily influenced Andy then asks Robert about Aaron the next time he sees him - he wants to know why Aaron seems to hate Robert as much as he does. Robert’s on the spot excuse is that Aaron doesn’t like Robert acting like the boss at the scrapyard.

I guess Andy hasn’t yet realised that literally the only time Robert gets involved in scrapyard business is when he’s trying to find a reason to get Aaron to talk to him.

Later, Rob invites himself into the pub back room and sort of flirtily confronts Aaron about it all. Aaron is, as ever, completely Over It and refuses to play along with whatever game Robert is trying to start. Rob uses his soft voice and tries to convince Aaron to tell him where Victoria is and Aaron is all “u have such a nice smile i guess i’ll tell you, she’s in Birmingham… lol jk UR NOT THE BOSS OF ME ANYMORE”. Rob gets angry and Aaron acts completely unphased, but as soon as Rob walks away, Aaron’s face drops and he looks the complete opposite of unbothered.

He’s great at putting up a grumpy front, our Aaron.

Anyway, Andy gets the idea that Cain knows where Vic and Adam are and says as much to Robert, which sets Rob down a fateful path of winding Cain the hell up - something he will soon find out is decidedly not a good idea.

Related - Chrissie has this whole plot about wanting to speak to Aaron and feeling suspicious and then for literally NO DISCERNIBLE REASON WHATSOEVER Cain and Chrissie make out in the garage??????? and Harriet, who is being paid by Robert to follow Cain and find Victoria, takes pictures.

LOOK I KNOW CHRISSIE IS HOT AF BUT CAIN IS MARRIED TO MOIRA AND

IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE?????????

It does result in some iconic™ scenes though so I can’t be too mad at it.

Rob unknowingly ~~~charms~~~ the photos of them kissing out of Harriet and looks SO UPSET because KARMA HURTS DOESN’T IT ROB

IT HURTS LIKE A BITCH

He makes Harriet give him copies and sits around just staring at them, pondering his options.

The option he ends up choosing is blackmail. He full on decides to blackmail Cain, who naturally doesn’t want Moira to find out about his absurd and ridiculous indiscretion. He pulls the most ICONIC STUNT OF ALL TIME by inviting Cain and Moira round for a lavish dinner under the guise of making a business deal and OK OK I KNOW THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ROBRON BUT IT’S INCREDIBLE SO JUST STICK WITH ME HERE OK

Lawrence and Chrissie are HELLA SUSPICIOUS of Robert because they know him and also HELLA UNCOMFORTABLE - Lawrence because he’s a classist asshole and Chrissie bc she snogged that dude not 24 hours ago.

As soon as they’re all sat down, Rob goes and stands in a hallway and texts Cain with the photo of he and Chrissie making out. Everyone is all ~~~hey Cain why are you all quiet hmmm~~~ while Cain stares absolute daggers at Robert and his smug face.

Turns out Cain doesn’t appreciate being ambushed and as soon as they both excuse themselves, he shoves Rob against a wall. They have some hilariously weird banter and it’s just g r e a t and I WANT THEM TO HAVE SCENES TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.

ANyways, Rob threatens Cain and goes on another rant about his current arch-enemy Adam and basically says FIND OUT WHERE THEY ARE OR I’M TELLING UR WIFE THAT U SNOGGED MY WIFE FOR NO GOD DAMN REASON

Also then Chrissie pops up and Rob decides to confront her about it too. Rob is all upset and angry and LITERALLY SAYS THE WORDS “I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO YOU”

IN FAIRNESS HE’S BEING TOTALLY HONEST - ROB WOULD NEVER STOP THE CHEATING AT JUST A MEANINGLESS KISS

Anyways, Rob continues to go about his days, looking like he’s having the fucking time of his life having the upper hand against Cain - he loves feeling like Top Dog, our Rob, doesn’t he? Also Rob makes a HILARIOUS NUMBER OF INNUENDOES and it’s all just hilarious.

Never one to be one-upped, particularly by someone who gets as quickly and recklessly out of his depth as Robert does, Cain finds out where the missing delinquents are through Finn and finds out that they’re planning on getting married. He goes back and tells Robert this, who instantly flips out because, again, he has a hilarious vendetta against Adam.

LONG STORY SHORT, Rob gets too power mad and pushes Cain too far and also decides to wreck the wedding, which Cain reckons Moira will hate -

And honestly, every person with a logical brain thinks that Robert is being INSANE -

So Cain kidnaps Robert.

Naturally.

The rest of the family make it to the wedding and it’s awesome and hella dramatic. Cain rocks up at the end of the wedding and Aaron ends up opening the boot of his car, only to find Robert, tied up and gagged, and not in a fun way.

(There’s no way that’s their kink, honestly - they’ve got too much irl experience with it involving other people at this point).

Honourable Mention #15: 25th June 2015

Aaron is NOT ABOUT this kidnapping business because he is a good person and actually no it’s totally because he still loves Robert. He LOVES ROBERT AND HE IS VISIBLY UPSET ABOUT CAIN’S PLAN TO BEAT THE SENSE OUT OF HIM AND IT’S JUST AMAZING IT’S AMAZING.

Cain takes Robert and Aaron to a random warehouse because Cain probably has access to at least 75% of the warehouses in Yorkshire. He ties Robert up and threatens him and Rob is smug as anything. Aaron is all STOP MOUTHING OFF ROBERT YOU ARE GOING TO GET HURT and Cain makes Aaron wait outside. Aaron looks reluctant but does it anyway and the SECOND Aaron is gone, the smug smile drops right off Robert’s face. Rob tries to bargain his way out of it but… well. It doesn’t work.

Aaron stands outside, hearing Rob’s screams of pain, and looks flipping distraught.

Cain manages to get Rob’s phone passcode out of him so that he can delete the pictures, but Rob starts stupidly threatening to kill Cain, which he doesn’t take too kindly to. It’s at this moment, right as Cain is about to start up round two, that Aaron bursts in and makes Cain stop. He unties Robert, holds him up, says he’ll tell Moira that something is up if Cain doesn’t let them go and eventually shoves Cain into a wall, locks him in the warehouse and he and Robert escape - in Cain’s car.

Aaron eventually gets Robert home and Rob is all “thanks xoxo it’s nice to know you still care about me” and Aaron DOES NOT EVEN REPLY BECAUSE AARON NEVER STOPPED LOVING ROBERT and instead asks why he was ever stupid enough to even mess with Cain. He’s all “YOU SHOULD BE MORE SCARED OF HIM UR GONNA GET HURT AGAIN OH AND BTW I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU HOW DARE YOU EVER IMPLY THAT I AM JUST A GOOD PERSON DOING THE RIGHT THING”

Only his facade is slipping right off because not even Robert believes Aaron - he says as much and Aaron doesn’t even respond, just disappears into the night and leaves Robert sitting there, bloody but smiling in the Home Farm kitchen because sure, he may have gotten beaten up today, but he also knows - he knows - that Aaron’s cold front has warmed up just the fraction high enough that he’s got another chance.

And really, that’s all Robert ever wanted.

A little while later, Chrissie walks in on Robert looking all broken and bruised and looks shocked which, by this point? It’s a bit much, she’s seen him looking like this so many times. He actually tells her a very stripped down version of the truth and just looks all sad - which only gets worse when Chrissie lets slip that Victoria and Adam did in fact get married.

Ever the drama queen, Robert gets up and limps his way over to the Woolie, where they’re having their reception/post-court hearing party. Rob goes for Adam and Victoria tells him to leave and eventually, Aaron yells at Robert and tells him to go, which Robert actually listens to. Aaron doesn’t even sound particularly vitriolic bc l-o-v-e.

Cain wanders in and forces Aaron into the back room - because lest we forget, Aaron locked him in a warehouse and stole his car. Cain punches Aaron, who refuses to back down - he tells Cain that he won’t let him hurt Robert - that Cain doesn’t need to, because Aaron has something on Robert far, far greater than anything Rob could possibly have on Cain.

He’s not wrong.

ANYWAY IT’S ALL ICONIC AND AARON IS CRYING AND LIKE YEP ROBERT WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR…. AND IT WAS WITH… M E.

The next day, Cain confronts Robert because of course he does. Rather than immediately label Robert as ‘gay’, True Ally Cain Dingle says that Robert bats for both teams, which I appreciate.

Poor Robert appreciates it… less.

On the one hand, poor Robert keeps getting outed, which sucks. On the other hand… k a r m a.

BUT NO NO NO I JOKE BUT I GENUINELY FEEL BAD FOR ROBERT IN THIS CASE OK I REALLY GOD DAMN DO

He immediately goes to confront Aaron, absolutely furious that Aaron outed him and they have… such an honest conversation it’s actually REALLY FUCKIN TRIPPY.

Rob says “do you have any idea how scared I was yesterday?” and my heart starts the hurting train that it ain’t gonna get off for the rest of the scene. AND THENNNN ROB, HURTING AND ANGRY, MAKES A DIG ABOUT AARON EUTHANISING JACKSON AND AARON UNDERSTANDABLY SHOVES THE LITTLE FUCK AGAINST THE DOOR.

God bless the wall shoves.

Rob is all THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO PPL YOU LOVE - which, no rob aaron literally had nothing to do with cain kidnapping you - but again, Robert is angry and upset. He doesn’t understand that  Aaron outed him more out of desperation more than anything else - because it was the only way he could ensure Cain wouldn’t go find Robert and finish the job. He literally says that he wanted to save Robert because of how he ~~~FELT~~~~ (luv that past tense mmhmm) about Robert.

What Aaron doesn’t understand, can’t understand, is that Robert is afraid that Cain is as heartless as Robert is. Rob knows that if the situation were reversed, he’d milk the knowledge of Cain’s sexuality for all it was worth (see: how he treated Lawrence). He’s terrified that Cain is going to use it against him - that it will all eventually come out and Robert will “have to choose”.

Oh Rob. Oh babe.

Oh and then he calls Aaron pathetic again and says ~~you’ll be sorry~~~.

Over the next few days, Rob spends a bunch of time trying to get Aaron to “talk about the scrapyard accounts” with him for probably no reason other than being annoyed at him. Cain is loving his life and making Robert just randomly pay for stuff for him to wind him up. Also, Larry is starting this whole scheme to invest in local businesses for the tax break.

Aaron spends all this time preoccupied by this mess he’s caused for Robert and tries his best to help. Aaron ends up telling Cain to leave Robert alone. Cain reassures him that he’s not going to do anything, but that Aaron should leave Robert alone as well. AS WE ALL KNOW, WHENEVER ANYONE TELLS AARON TO STAY AWAY FROM ROBERT, AARON DOES THE EXACT OPPOSITE. Aaron ends up getting HELLA PISSED OFF at Cain and…

Look, we’ve seen this before. We all know how this ends.

Cain takes one last trip to see Robert, all GIVE ME 17 GRAND AND STAY AWAY FROM AARON FOREVER AND I WILL LEAVE U ALONE. Robert… does neither. He does buy Moira a new grain pit though.

Ah. The grain pit.

Honourable Mention #16: 7th - 8th July 2015

So. Moira needs help at the farm. Robert volunteers to help Andy out for reasons. In unrelated news, Aaron is also helping Andy out.

Andy can’t quite believe it, because Robert never does manual labour. What Andy does not yet realise is that Robert doesn’t do manual labour unless Aaron is involved (and even then it’s touch and go). THEY HAVE A WHOLE CONVERSATION AND ROB TALKS ABOUT HOW HE NEVER WANTED TO BE A FARMER AND MENTIONS JACK AND u just gotta love a casual Jack Sugden shoutout.

ANYWAY ANDY GETS ROB SOME OVERALLS AND AARON IS LIKE UH ARE YOU SURE WE NEED TO INVOLVE HIM AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL AND FILLED WITH SEXUAL TENSION AND I CRY

AND THEN THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF SCENES WHERE THEY STAND REAL CLOSE TO EACH OTHER AND STARE INTO EACH OTHERS EYES WHILE THEY TALK ABOUT FARMING

AND THEN OK OK OK SO THEY FINISH UP THE DAY - ANDY, ROB AND AARON - AND ANDY IS ALL “LADS! LADS! LADS! CHEEKY PINT AND BANTS DOWN THE LOCAL AYYYYYY” AND ALSO LIKE “BLESS U ROB IM PROUD OF U FOR PROVING U CAN DO THE HARD GRAFT” AND AARON IS ALL “I SHALL BE HERE TOMORROW ALSO SO THAT I CAN SHOW ROBERT HOW IT’S DONE THIS ISN’T SEXUAL”

AND THEN ANDY LEAVES AND IT’S JUST ROB AND AARON AND AARON IS LIKE “IM GONNA GIVE THESE DRINKS A MISS” AND ROB IS LIKE “BC CHAS WILL ASK QUESTIONS”

AND AARON JUST SAYS “I DON’T NEED THE HASSLE”

NOT: NO I CAN’T STAND U AND HOPE U DIE

NOT: I WOULD RATHER FEED MYSELF TO SHARKS THAN SPEND ONE MOMENT OF MY FREE TIME CHILLING WITH YOU

JUST: MY MUM WILL GET SUSPICIOUS BC WE HAVE THIS HILARIOUS HABIT OF FALLING BACK INTO BED WITH EACH OTHER THE SECOND ONE OF US SMILES AT THE OTHER

NBD

AND THEN ROB IS LIKE :) GUESS IT BETTER STAY OUR LITTLE SECRET HMMMMM AND THEN HE LEAVES

AND AARON’S FACE

LIKE

THEY BOTH JUST

K N O W

SOMETHING IS GONNA HAPPEN

AARON KNOWS HE’S PLAYING WITH FIRE AND HE CAN’T STOP HIMSELF FROM DOING IT ANYWAY

BECAUSE HE’S FUCKIN IN LOVE WITH ROBERT AND ALSO IT’S BEEN A WHILE OK HE’S A GROWN MAN AND HE HAS NEEDS

GUYS I LOVE THIS STORYLINE SO MUCH

AND ALSO THEN AARON GOES HOME AND SPECIFICALLY DOESN’T MENTION THAT HE’S BEEN HANGING ABOUT WITH ROBERT

CHAS FINDS OUT ANYWAY THO BC OF COURSE

Of course she does. She and Paddy have a worried little pow-wow and Paddy goes on Mission Abort Robron. He has a little chat with Aaron, who doesn’t want to hear the lecture and starts deflecting back onto Chas and Paddy. Again, because telling Aaron what to do always goes down like a pile of lead, it doesn’t work. The next day, Paddy, undeterred, decides to bunk off saving the lives of dying animals and instead vows to follow Aaron and Robert around and watch their every move, in an attempt to keep them from doing the nasty.

CASE IN POINT, Aaron is chilling in Moira’s kitchen, probs playing a game on his phone. Rob walks in and takes his Rolex off. Aaron is all “how do u know someone isn’t gonna nick it” and Rob is all “dw babe I TRUST U (also it’s insured)” and then Paddy just BURSTS IN LIKE THE LEAST SUBTLE MOST AWKWARD INTERLOPER SINCE TIME BEGAN.

Aaron and Rob know what he’s doing immediately, but then Andy walks in and is, in true Andy style, entirely oblivious to anything else that might be going down. Paddy is all AARON IS GONNA HELP ME OUT FOR A BIT BECAUSE AARON’S GOOD WITH DUMB ANIMALS, THERE’S A BIT OF AN ATTRACTION.

SICK FUCKIN BURN PADDY, TAKE THAT ROBBO YOU SUCKA.

(Aaron doesn’t find it quite so funny bc he doesn’t like being told what to do and also because only he can insult the love of his life thx v much Padders)

ANYWAY PADDY IS ALREADY FAILING HIS ANTI ROBRON CAMPAIGN BECAUSE HE LEAVES THEM ALONE AND

LIKE

THEY’RE ALREADY TALKING IN “US” AND “WE” TERMS OK IT’S A DONE DEAL THEY’RE FUCKIN BOYFRIENDS AGAIN WELCOME TO THE NEW REALITY

Rob is all “What’s his deal?” and Aaron is like “he doesn’t trust us” and Robert just SMILES and says “we’re too old for babysitters aren’t we?” and look IS IT JUST ME OR IS EVERY SCENE IN THIS STORYLINE THE MOST SEXUALLY CHARGED SCENE YOU’VE EVER WATCHED

THEY JUST

KEEP STARING AT EACH OTHER

KNOWING THAT SOONER OR LATER (SOONER) THEY’RE GONNA HAVE MORE MINDBLOWING SEX AND IT’S ALL GONNA BE GREAT

ALSO SIDE NOTE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE VILLAGE DIANE HAS A QUICK RANDOM CHAT WITH LARRY AND CHRISSIE ABOUT ROBERT AND DIANE SAYS THAT ROBERT IS “A GOOD KID” AS LONG AS HE’S GOT SOMETHING TO OCCUPY HIMSELF AND THAT WHEN HE’S BORED, THAT’S WHEN HE’S TROUBLE

WHICH IS SOMETHING I ALWAYS MAINTAIN IS TRUE - ROBERT NEEDS SOMETHING TO DISTRACT HIMSELF AND IF HE DOESN’T HAVE THAT, HE WILL FIND SOMETHING AND THAT SOMETHING IS USUALLY SOMETHING STUPID AND/OR RISKY

A BORED ROBERT IS NO ONE’S FRIEND

(unless there’s someone around he can be romantic with u know)

Anyways.

Robert and Aaron low key flirt in front of Paddy and Paddy is like OK BUT WHAT IF U STAY AWAY FROM HIM and Aaron is all THERE’S NOTHING GOING ON IT’S FINE

And literally in the next scene they’re sitting next to each other, drinking tinnies. Paddy walks up just as Rob is all OK WHAT IF WE GO GET A DRINK AY and Aaron takes one look at Paddy and makes the instant decision that he is a GROWN UP WHO CAN DO WHAT THE HELL HE LIKES (v mature, our aaron). Aaron looks at Rob and is like SO IT’S JUST ME AND YOU THEN! LETS GO TO THE SCRAPYARD AND GRAB A DRINK and they walk away, completely point blank ignoring Paddy’s panicked calls after them.

As they walk away, Aaron says that he and Adam keep a couple of cans in the scrapyard fridge for “special occassions”. Rob is like “…u reckon this qualifies?” and Aaron says THAT’S UP TO YOU and just sort of stares at Rob because WHAT KIND OF ABSURD SEX CODE DO THEY HAVE

As they’re walking up to the portacabin, they’re chatting and whatever and acting normal - until the door closes and they’re officially completely alone. Rob leans back against the door and puts his soft voice on and asks Aaron why they’re hiding away. Aaron basically says that everyone not named Robert Jacob Sugden is currently getting on his last nerve and they have some smiley soft flirty banter about Paddy’s stalking adventures.

Rob asks if Paddy is worried about them and Aaron is like “He reckons you and me are gonna get it back on” and Rob smiles and says “Yeah?” and Aaron says “Yeah” and then AARON JUST GOES RIGHT IN FOR IT AND THEY’RE MAKING OUT AND AARON TAKES ROBERT’S SHIRT OFF IMMEDIATELY BC THAT IS ALWAYS WHAT AARON DOES AND

HAPPY SIGH

FINALLY

PORTACABIN SEX.

Paddy, praise the lord, somehow took the scenic route back to the scrapyard and so only turns up after they’ve already done the dirty. Paddy waits outside and Robert promises to call Aaron, before telling Paddy not to give Aaron a hard time, because “he doesn’t deserve it” because it’s LOVE.

Ah. Savour this moment guys. Savour this beautiful feeling, because this is sort of… where the happiness ends… for a while. Um.

Yeah.

18. 22nd July 2015 - 23rd July 2015

SO PADDY IS NOT THAT HAPPY ABOUT THE ROBRON SEX. AS IT TURNS OUT.

IN FACT, HE’S SO MAD THAT HE SENDS CHRISSIE A WEIRD HANDWRITTEN NOTE THAT SAYS “REIN YOUR CHEATING HUSBAND IN”. THE ‘I’S HAVE CUTE LITTLE BUBBLES. IT’S ICONIC.

Rob doesn’t take too kindly to this, when he finds out, and decides to scare Paddy out of his hair, by almost DROWNING HIM IN THE NEW GRAIN PIT.

First he confronts Aaron about the note, which he obviously has no idea about. Aaron instantly knows that Paddy is responsible and tells Robert to leave it. If only Rob had listened, ey? Ah, what could have been…

Aaron confronts Paddy, who talks about all the shit Aaron has put himself through, all the ways his relationship with Robert messed with his head and it’s just great and sad. As Aaron walks away, Robert, who is just randomly sitting outside on a bench, sees them and suddenly, he knows exactly who wrote the letter. Rob gets all threatening and Paddy is actually not scared of him in the slightest, just threatens to tell Chrissie again. In beautifully convenient timing, Lawrence has just made Robert Company Director of Home Farm Estates and has also stuck him in the will.

(Bless I don’t think he lasted in there for very long)

ANYWAY all of a sudden Rob’s wildest dreams have come through, so naturally he decides that more important that anything in the world is to protect said dreams. So he tries to drown Paddy in the grain pit.

It’s a whole thing.

He listens to Paddy yell and scream for a bit and then walks away. We find out that Marlon and Paddy are supposed to be going to a Banjo Festival in Skipton, because of course, and Aaron is grumpy and annoyed about Paddy.

Turns out that while Paddy has been knocked unconscious and drowning, Rob has been hiding behind a tree. He goes to check on his victim and finds out that actually things are slightly more life threateningly serious than he anticipated.

Rob goes to take off his jacket, presumably to dive in and save Paddy and not because he’s feeling slightly warm, but then Andy comes back and he has to leg it over a fence. Andy calls an ambulance and then calls Marlon, who tells Aaron and Chas and Aaron fully flips out and basically runs to the hospital to go be with him.

Rob is back at Home Farm and freaking out himself. He calls Aaron, to make sure that Paddy is alive and he hasn’t committed one more murder, I assume. Aaron fills Rob in and cries and Rob looks deeply unsettled while trying to act shocked and concerned.

Rob goes to visit Paddy on behalf of Home Farm and uses the opportunity to threaten Paddy, Rhona and Leo. YES. A TINY CHILD. Mostly he just walks around looking like a DERANGED PERSON. He’s all DONT TELL CHRISSIE OR AARON ANYTHING OR I’LL MURDER EVERYTHING U LOVE.

Completely reasonable. Sure.

Paddy is understandably uncomfortable with Aaron staying in a relationship with this PERSON WHO IS CLEARLY A PSYCHOPATH but has no idea how to warn Aaron off, especially when Aaron is in such a Robert-positive place.

At the same time as all this is happening, Larry’s Local Business competition is back in action and Robert finds a sneaky way to basically ensure that Aaron and Adam win, because he likes to do nice things for his boyfriend, when he’s not trying to murder his dad or godson.

Lawrence announces the winner of the contest in the Woolie, because where else in the village of Emmerdale, honestly? Holey Scrap wins, Larry gives Aaron a massive cheque and Robert looks all proud and happy. If you ignore the context, it’s beautiful.

Rob tells Aaron that he had nothing to do with the whole scheme - Rob is basically lying every time he opens his mouth at this point - and tells him to not blow this massive opportunity that’s just landed in his lap.

Aaron goes up to Home Farm for a meeting with Robert and Lawrence and Rob and Aaron smile at each other a bit and then Rob manages to talk his way into a trip up to a convention with Aaron, where they’re going to be staying in the middle of nowhere.

In a lodge.

Paddy overhears this, because he’s checking up on Dog, who is ill. A WHOLE BUNCH OF WHATEVER HAPPENS - ROB AND PADDY HAVE SCENES WHERE ROB THREATENS PADDY SOME MORE, ACTS SMUG AND PADDY MANAGES TO FUCK OVER AARON’S CONVENTION PLANS WITH THE SHEER NEED TO KEEP AARON AWAY FROM ROB BLAH BLAH LET’S SKIP TO THE DIRT

PADDY FINALLY TELLS AARON THAT ROBERT WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GRAIN PIT, AFTER PADDY FAKES A BREAK DOWN ON THE LAY-BY (THE CRUELEST OF FUCKIN IRONIES RIGHT THERE - BREAKING ROBRON UP IN THE SAME PLACE IT STARTED). IT’S ALL JUST… SAD AND PAINFUL AND AARON’S FACE HURTS MY VERY SOUL.

Aaron tries to explain away Rob’s feelings, says “he wouldn’t do that” and means “he wouldn’t do that to me” and is just generally highly #relatable. It’s so sad. They have a conversation about not knowing what Robert is capable of. Aaron promises to stay away from Robert.

Again, never believe Aaron when he says that. Never.

It turns out, Aaron literally goes home and immediately calls Robert who comes running. They firm up their plan to go to their private lodge for a few days, because Aaron wants to get back at Robert by setting him up.

Sooooo, they go to the Lodge and Aaron tries to act all happy to be there, even while he’s dying a slow death on the inside. Robert tries to seduce him by talking about cars and Aaron starts recording their conversation and tries to find a way to get Robert to admit that he killed Katie.

Admittedly, this type of subterfuge… really is not his strongest skill.

It doesn’t work out all that well.

In fact, Aaron gives up the front almost immediately and just flat out says YOU TRIED TO KILL PADDY. Robert is like “Of course not! I would never hurt you or anyone close to you”, which I’m sure we all like to think about Robert, but he’s proven time and time over that that… hasn’t always been true. Case in point. Aaron calls him out on everything, keeps pushing him and pushing him - something Aaron is actually very good at when it comes to Robert - something that Aaron uses over and over again to worm the truth out of Robert.

Ultimately, Robert cracks and admits it out loud, says he only meant to scare Paddy but it went too far. Aaron’s face morphs completely as the very real shock of it hits him - any tiny shred of hope he might have had that Robert didn’t actually try to kill his surrogate father is dead and buried. Sad.

Aaron is all “I thought I knew you” and he’s crying and then he brings up Katie, keeps egging Robert on, until Robert cracks again and finally admits that he pushed her. He pushed her and she died.

Aaron attacks Robert, Robert hits back and ends up knocking Aaron unconscious. He realises quickly that Aaron has recorded their whole incriminating conversation and then, because Rob clearly does not understand the cloud, smashes Aaron’s phone into pieces.

He ties Aaron to a radiator and apparently just sort of… sits there and stares at him until Aaron wakes up again. As soon as Aaron opens his eyes, Rob says “You did this” to him and scrambles up, to go back home, leaving Aaron to a likely cold and uncomfortable night on the floor.

Rob comes back the next morning with some water for Aaron. He removes the gag so that he can speak to Aaron properly and Aaron just glares at him and Rob is all HEY STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT :( and I DIE because HE’S NOT EXACTLY GOING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE YOU RIGHT NOW ROBERT, YOU ABSOLUTE NUTTER.

Aaron goes on to talk about how terrible Robert is and Robert looks downright heartbroken about it and  honestly HONESTLY ROBERT HAVE A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE SON YOU HAVE HIM TIED TO A RADIATOR AND BLEEDING

Aaron accuses Rob of killing Katie because he couldn’t handle ~being gay~ which Robert tells Aaron is a massive misunderstanding bc first of all he is NOT gay and second of all actUALLY IT’S ABOUT MONEY AARON SMHHH

AND THEN YOU HAVE THE FIRST BIG ICONIC LINE

Because Robert is a god damn wild MESS in these episodes, absolutely just running round in a constant state of broken panic, with too many feelings and not enough ways to deal with them and on the verge of doing about 15 different terrible things and I make a lot of jokes about how ABSURD he is but it’s SUCH GOOD CHARACTER WORK FOR HIM LIKE IT IS FASCINATING

AND FOR AARON TOO, THESE EPISODES REALLY SHOW THE RELENTLESS PIT BULL SIDE OF HIM - THE SIDE THAT REALLY KNOWS HOW TO WIND ROBERT UP, KNOWS HOW TO GET ROBERT TO OPEN UP, FOR BETTER OR WORSE

IT’S JUST ALL SO GOOD

SO anyway Aaron is like “so money is all you care about?” and Robert looks dead into Aaron’s eyes and says “I wish that was all I cared about” and FUCK IT I’M JUST GONNA QUOTE THIS BITCH

Rob: Don’t you see? It’s you. You’re the worst mistake I’ve ever made. Falling in love with you ruined everything.

WHICH IS ACCURATE BECAUSE YOU KNOW

ROB HAD ALL THESE SELF-SERVING PLANS FOR HIS LIFE AND AARON CAME ALONG AND BLEW THEM ALL APART PURELY BY BEING SOMETHING ROB LOVED MORE THAN EVERYTHING ELSE.

ANYWAY THENNN Robert goes on to say that finding Katie’s body, Andy’s resultant breakdown and what Robert is doing now is alllll Aaron’s fault, because Aaron drove Robert to this.

Which is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. But then, this is Robert. At this point in his life, self-awareness was very much not his strong suit.

Anyway, Aaron agrees that those things sound much more like they are Robert’s fault. Rob immediately gets offended that Aaron doesn’t seem very sympathetic to his plight and then he utters my FAVOURITE ROBERT LINE OF ALL TIME BC I HAVE ISSUES.

Rob: Do you really think I’m that selfish, that psychotic that I would actually kill someone?

[PAUSE]

Aaron: …Yeah.

Rob: …Let’s find out shall we.

AND THEN AARON’S FACE DROPS IN CONFUSION AND FEAR BC HE ACTUALLY VERY MUCH DID NOT THINK THAT THIS WAS THE DIRECTION THE CONVERSATION WAS GOING TO GO IN.

BUT NOPE. THAT’S IT. ROBBO’S LOST THE PLOT.

SO Rob gets up and leaves and returns??? With???? A gun????????????????????? Sure?????

Rob talks about his feelings about Katie and Andy and about how he’s not a killer, how he never wanted things get that far. Aaron calls out Robert - asks him if it wasn’t just the tiniest bit lucky that Katie fell and broke her neck and I THINK ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME YO.

AND I THINK ROB DOES TOO BECAUSE FUCK IF HE HAD ANY SORT OF PLAN THERE. He was just shoving her, just wanted to get her phone and somehow convince her to be quiet. But how far would he really have gone???

And really - really that’s what the lodge is about. Seeing how far Robert would actually go.

Robert cries, feels completely stuck. IN THE CHOICE BETWEEN MURDERING AARON AND LOSING EVERYTHING, WHAT IS A BOY TO DO HMMM.

AND THEN!!! AARON IS LIKE TBH JUST KILL ME M8. JUST DO IT. because again, Aaron only knows how to egg Robert into working out what his feelings are. AND THEN ROBERT SAYS “IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULDN’T PUT ME IN THIS POSITION” BC AGAIN ROB HAS NO IDEA HOW TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS

(he’s getting better at this)

(sort of)

(when you’re at rock bottom the only way really is up)

Aaron, again, sees how idiotic Robert is being and also wants to cause Rob some more pain bc he’S STILL TIED TO A FRICKING RADIATOR so he’s like “of course i don’t love u rob u disgust me and i wish i’d never met you”, which prompts rob to pick the gun back up and point it right the fuck in Aaron’s face

AND THEN ROB IS KNEELING THERE POINTING A GUN AT AARON AND CRYING AND SAYING “I MEANT IT, I LOVED YOU” AND IT’S SO! FUCKED! UP!

And that’s when Paddy walks in and Robert, freaking out, instinctively turns around and shoots the poor bastard.

Aaron and Robert both freak out at the fact that Paddy is bleeding out on the lodge floor. Aaron keeps winding Robert up because SURE WHY NOT and then Paddy is all AARON SHUT THE FUCK UP i need medical attention

And he gets Robert to stitch up his GSW, because Rob is understandably hesitant to take them all down to the A&E. So… Paddy talks Robert through cleaning and stitching a bullet wound. Aaron is still highly strung and geared to wind Robert up even more, which Paddy thinks is INSANE BEHAVIOUR because Robert is clearly a psycho.

Robert, a complete idiot but not actually a psycho, just someone who regularly gets himself WAY THE FUCK IN OVER HIS FUCKING HEAD through sheer short sighted and selfish behaviour, starts crying again, because he knows now that he can’t actually murder them both.

Paddy talks Robert down, gets Aaron to do the same, and eventually Robert just… lets them both go. Because what else can he do? Nothing, apparently. He lets them both go and goes home to Chrissie and clings onto her like a child because you know what, it has been a #day.

Aaron and Paddy drive back and talk about Katie. Paddy says “we don’t decide who we fall for” and UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE FUCKIN CENTURY PADDY THAT COULD BE THE AARON AND ROBERT MOTTO AT THIS POINT

Aaron still wants revenge on Robert and Paddy says that you can’t win with people like Robert - you have to let them destroy themselves. That feels like… a very sharp perception of who Robert is and what will eventually happen to him, in all honesty.

Because Aaron is Aaron, he can’t quite leave it there. As his parting gift to Robert, the last thing he does before leaving him alone forever (or… if not for forever, then for a little while…), he makes his way up to Home Farm, breaks into the house and waits for Chrissie and Rob to find him.

The second Rob sees him, he looks like he’s going to be sick. Which. Is appropriate. Because Aaron launches into the entire story - the fact that he and Robert have been sleeping together all this time, that he has proof, that he can tell Chrissie when and where and what she was doing each time they were banging behind her back.

HE FUCKIN SAYS “WHY DO YOU THINK HE WAS LATE FOR YOUR WEDDING CHRISSIE? BECAUSE HE WAS WITH ME.” and i die.

And then, finally, on his way out, Aaron looks at Robert and says “All that you’ve worked for is gone” and then he leaves like the true drama queen he was born to be.

Chrissie immediately starts screaming at Robert and tells him to leave - and hey would you look at this, it’s two break ups in one and Robert really is, ultimately, left with no one.

How long did it last?

God save our patient souls.

Who came crawling back first? They both did. But…. yeah, it was Robert. I mean… there’s understandably a whole issue of redeeming the dick first. Bless him. I’m still in shock about HOW GOOD his redemption arc ended up being. But… that’s for a later post.

How little did they mean it? 57/5. Like. The most a person can mean a break up. For a while, anyway. Until Robert finally changes his ways and his priorities and learns how to be more of a human and less of a mess. Sort of. For a bit. He tries.

GOOD EVER LOVING GOD that’s it! The affair is blown and everyone knows… if not all of Robert’s secrets then at least one very big one. And so we move smoothly into the next era. Hopefully you enjoyed this long ass mess of a part. Sure, it only had one official break up in it, but it was a damn big break up.

Next up: Can you break up if you’re not actually together?

BONUS

So, I wrote the first half of this post many moons ago. The danger with writing these posts in this way and then leaving them for months is that, when writing, I will often go off on tangents around present day Emmerdale that quickly become completely contextually irrelevant as both time and storylines progress. This happened with the next few paragraphs, wherein apparently I had some pent up anger to express. Again, it doesn’t make any sense to leave it in the post, but even though it’s an outdated rant, I’m adding it to the bottom of this post anyway, both for integrity, and for that Christina joke.

An excerpt from the OG Honourable Mention #13:

Rob tries to act like he’s there to charm his sister’s whereabouts out of Aaron and let’s be real here, deep down he wants that shit to work.

It doesn’t, because Aaron has been there, done that enough times to know better by this point

AND OK, WHEN PEOPLE CALL AARON A PUSHOVER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY SAY I WOULD JUST LIKE TO DIRECT YOU TO THIS POINT IN TIME AND EVERY OTHER SINGLE POINT IN TIME WHERE HE HAD NO INTENTION OF GOING ANYWHERE N E A R ROBERT BECAUSE ROBERT HAD TREATED HIM HORRIBLY AND AARON DOES, CONTRARY TO APPARENTLY POPULAR BELIEF, HAVE THE STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY WHEN HE KNOWS HE NEEDS TO. HE’S NOT WITH ROBERT BECAUSE HE CAN’T FIND THE STRENGTH TO TRUST THE VOICE WITHIN AS XTINA WOULD SAY. AARON IS WITH ROBERT BECAUSE HE TRUSTS ROBERT’S INTENTIONS, AND HE KNOWS THAT ROBERT HAD WORKED DAMN HARD TO CHANGE HIS PANTO VILLAIN WAYS AND HE RESPECTS THAT!!! AND HE LOVES THE PERSON THAT ROBERT IS. BUT WHEN ROBERT CALLOUSLY TREATS HIM LIKE SHIT, AARON DOESN’T TAKE IT. AARON HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH WITH ROBERT BY NOW TO KNOW WHEN ROB IS BEING SINCERE AND TBH IT JUST.

IT MAKES ME MAD. BECAUSE AARON IS A CHARACTER WHO IS STRONG ENOUGH TO KNOW HIS OWN MIND AND HIS OWN HEART AND YES HE HAS HAD TO FORGIVE ROBERT OVER AND OVER, YES THAT IS A HUGE PART OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP BUT AARON KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROB IN THOSE EARLY TERRIBLE DAYS OF 2015, WHEN HIS SORRYS MEANT NOTHING AT ALL, AND CURRENT DAY 2017 AND IT’S NOT WEAK FOR HIM TO UNDERSTAND THAT ROBERT HAS GROWN AND IS ACTUALLY SINCERE IN HIS APOLOGIES NOW AND TO WANT TO LISTEN TO AND ACCEPT THAT ANd I just don’t like when people imply that 2015 Robert and Aaron and 2017 Robert and Aaron are the same thing because it negates everything Aaron and Robert have been through and all of Robert’s character development and growth and everything Aaron has learnt and accepted and all the ways that Aaron has forced Robert to be better and look any forgiveness Aaron has given Robert at this point, Robert has done a lot to earn ok and sometimes people deserve forgiveness and uh this got off track.

…So Rob’s charm doesn’t work and Robert makes a swift escape, Vic’s phone safely in his pocket.   

See you next time!