#or paytonisms

[transmogrified-in-the-void]

I've been going through a very interesting, and important gender and gender presentation journey over the past four months, which culminated into a comment that has been bothering me for a while.

Since about mid-September, I've been slowly gaining a lot of self-confidence for various reasons, and I've also been looking at the parts of myself that I've hidden underground inside my mind for a long while. Including my own feelings about my own femininity.

For those who have known me for a while, you'll know I've always been more masculine leaning in presentation and gender. As it turns out, I sort of pendulum swing across the entire spectrum.

Me and the friend who's been by my side this entire journey (who, funnily enough, is the only allocishet friend I have), had this inside joke with each other that if I showed up to a meeting with the gang in a skirt they wouldn't know what to do. And so we eventually got me a skirt.

I can't begin to describe the amount of pure bliss I felt when I saw myself in it. I'd only felt that feeling once before, when my dad put one of his old ties on me for a fun little game we were playing in 2020. The only difference was that when that happened, I was still in denial about who I was. When I looked in the mirror, it was something I couldn't even begin to grasp onto. When I looked into the mirror just barely two weeks ago, I finally saw me.

And so we ended up making a whole "scene girl" outfit for me. This was revealed in almost its entirety a few days later, and we were right. They really didn't know what to do with me. With the exception of my mom and one of my oldest friends (who both said I looked cute, and I did! I felt cute!), the actual group I hang around with didn't know how to react to it. One of my friends just ignored the whole thing like it was normal (hurtful, but it's whatever), another kept asking when it happened and trying to wrap his head around the change (funny), and one eventually ended up saying something that's been bothering me.

Initially, they were really surprised I had legs because he forgot that I did. But later, when we were talking about a character that me and the aforementioned friend had made for a sitcom (a transman who dresses femininely for the most part), he turned to me and said "so like you, a transmasc drag queen".

While yes, that fits that character fairly well, it didn't sit right when about me. Because no, as it turns out, I'm not a transmasc drag queen. I'm not really . . . anything. When I dress more masculine, it's queer because it borders on tomboy/butch and transmasc (which, I know those terms can coexist, but I'm using it as a scale of masculinity because I can't explain it any other way), and when I dress femininely it's also queer because I'm someone who inherently goes towards androgyny/masculinity as my comfort expression.

Here's the funny part, though. Of the four people I hang around, three are queer in some way. The only one, the only one, who saw that I'm fine with fluidity in pronouns, jokes about my gender, and just sort of knew from the beginning that I was suppressing my femininity (which he told me after the Skirt Moment, so that was a fun night), was allocishet. I could get into all the weird shit that has gone on with me and the group, but the least queer person in the group understood, almost immediately, that I, the most verbally and visually queer of the group, enjoy funny little gender jokes. Hell, a few days after meeting I was doing something in my friend's kitchen and he said "oh sorry I was raised in a republican household, if there's someone in the kitchen I assume it's a woman".

So I guess what I'm saying, right now, is that I'm not any particular gender identity, I'm not trans anything, I don't really enjoy the fit of genderqueer even, I just. Am. And I wish that people irl would be willing to have fun with that more, rather than being so fucking afraid that I'm going to have a breakdown and kill someone for misgendering me.

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

[nova-rpv]

reviving for pride w the trans bisexaul ever

dont forget your daily clicks!!

[gayrotao]

💧

[hatchetings]

seeing more and more clips and photos of kim whalen and just remembering how stunning that woman is

[maleness-addict]

connor payton

[itsmyfriendisaac]

♐ December 8th: Show-Off, Conwh0re.

[marril96]

Agatha All Along 1.01 | Seekest Thou the Road

[ohmaerieme]

im cringe and thats good .... ill never be based and thats not bad ...theres noone id rather be than me ......

[deadforkaynbred]

This was worse than the shooting.

[mrmousetolliver]

Payton Clarke by Giuseppe Vitariello

[ghost-37]

[kingofmyborrowedheart]

Male gaze this. Female gaze that. What about my wide-eyed gaze, we're singing in the car, getting lost upstate?

[nova-rpv]

ssoup

dont forget ur daily clicks!!

[crimeica1999]

𖤐the messages written on Payton Gendron’s guns (found on r/masskillers)

[hatchetings]

love the “paul is autistic” headcanon!

hate people excusing his assholeness because “he’s autistic” which perpetuates a harmful stereotype that autistic people are assholes and there’s nothing we can do about (autistic ≠ being an asshole, they are not related)

love the “paul is autistic” headcanon!

hate people ignoring the symptoms that are “ugly”. every goddamn time i see people talking about his symptoms… it’s just. oh. he slightly stims and he’s a little anxious. and that’s it. like goodness i could go on about the “ugly” symptoms. like for example what about the two times (three if we count the audition) in the show he had a meltdown?? like? those are so fucking noticeable to me as an autistic person.

idk. if you’re gonna headcanon him as autistic do it right