#or maybe no one gave a shit cos they were done with the way artie ran things

[rebouks]

Regarding my unless comment .... I had this wild idea pop into my head about Bruno. We know normal life is a tad bit boring for a guy who spent most of his life in the criminal underworld and scaring people. And he was doing it a lot longer than Ivan and Oscar so he might know things about it. What if he's doing some kind of undercover work, a mole to wrap up the rest of the gang. He's about the only one who could get close enough to do it but it's risky because can they really trust him? or will they trust him enough to tell him things? I have a lot of questions about what he's doing and why they'd trust a guy who betrayed them once already. It's like he's signing his death warrant.

HMMMMMMMMM.. there's a small chance this could all be a misunderstanding right? i mean, B hasn't exactly had a chance to explain himself has he and Oscar/Ivan are just assuming they know what's going on here ���� ig if we think back tho it's not as if Bruno himself really did anything per se.. like he was kinda just passive abt everything? him and Kaden go WAY back so maybe he understands? now Kian might have more reason to mistrust him but he's a bit of an idiot and if he has to put up with Bruno to stick with Kaden then he's gonna cos he has nowhere else to go rn.. a lot of questions are still hanging here but idk if Oscar n' Ivan even WANT to know the answers 😬

edit: also.. if he were undercover, why wouldn't he tell Ivan what he was doing.. he wouldn't have been happy abt it but it would've been better than this 😩

[illfoandillfie]

5 Simple Rules for a Successful Fake Relationship: One Small Hitch

READ PART 1

Pairing: Ben Hardy x Reader

summery: You and Ben have your first official date and settle into your "relationship". But, with filming coming to a close, you'll need to be more committed to the act than before, especially when Ben's keeping secrets.

Warnings: Again, nothing much. Some language. Drinking. Nothing else I can think of.

Words: 8355

AN: Chapter 2 is finally here! Sorry for the delay but hopefully the next part will be up faster. I'm really really enjoying writing this series and I am so very excited about what's coming! The song mentioned is Reckless Serenade by Arctic Monkeys. Sidenote: Can anyone work out the theme of the chapter titles?

Taglist:  @laedymoon​  @dtfrogertaylor​  @vee-ndetta​​ @atomic-watermelon​ @kellypenac​​ @labessieisallama​​ @deakyclicks​​ @jennyggggrrr​​ @drowseoftaylor​​  @hannafuckingsucks​​  @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​​ @queenmylovely​​ @supersonicfreddie​

“I’ve got something for you,” you half shouted at Ben when you saw him walking towards you from across the field you were filming in. You shuffled your shitty takeaway coffee into your other hand so you could reach into your bag, pulling out a piece of paper folded in half. He took it and pulled you into a hug, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.  “Funny cause I have something for you too,” Ben said as he let you go, reaching into his backpack and handing you a magazine, “Oh, shit, it’s our rules. You want page 15 by the way.”  “Figured you’d want a record of them. What exactly am I looking f-” you let the word hang as you found the right page. It was decorated with a photo of you and Ben kissing on his doorstep, his hand around your back, the shirt you’d borrowed riding up just enough that it was clear you didn’t have shorts on underneath as you clutched at him. There was some text beside it, mentions of your most notable roles and his, a brief description of the movie you were in the process of making, and some speculatory remarks with a couple of innuendos thrown in. The usual gossip mag fare. On the other side of the paragraph was another photo, both of you leaving set the previous Friday, hand in hand and smiling.  “We look pretty good together,” you laughed, getting only a noncommittal grunt in return. He’d suddenly become very interested in the sheet you’d handed him, staring at it like he hadn’t been there when it was written. You reread the brief article, trying not to gawk at the photographs. It certainly looked believable.   “I’ve had about four people wish us well this morning,” Ben suddenly said, seemingly pulling himself together, folding up the rules and shoving them into his back pocket, “and I’ve not been here long. It’s kinda weird having everyone know we’re together. Or think we’re together,” he quickly corrected himself.  “Yeah, Mel kept asking me questions about it while she was doing my makeup this morning, so I hope she took my awkwardness as me wanting to keep things private and not me not knowing how to answer some of them.”  Ben chuckled, “yeah, Gail gave me a bit of a grilling too. I just told her we’d been sort of seeing each other for a few weeks and had only just like made it official or whatever and she seemed to buy it.”  “Good, I told Mel the same sort of thing. Hopefully that’s enough for them.”  “I’m more concerned with what my friends are going to say. I don’t think any of them read Heat though so hopefully it doesn’t come up any time soon,”  “Lucky. My friend Felicity has the dumb site bookmarked. Checks it religiously. Bloody miracle she hasn’t called yet.”  “Better turn of your phone then,”  “And come back to a full voicemail and about a hundred texts demanding to know why I’m ghosting her?”  “Tell her you were filming. I do it all the time,” he was grinning at you and you couldn’t help but grin back as you pulled your phone out and shut it off, “atta girl,” he pulled you into his side and gave you an affectionate squeeze that you leaned into , fully aware of how many people were around you, potentially watching. It was a feeling that didn’t really let up. You knew, rationally, that everyone there was focused on their jobs, but you couldn’t help feeling like you were constantly being scrutinised, and not just for your acting. It didn’t help when Seth had to stop recording to fix a problem with the boom mic and, good-humouredly, said, “don’t worry lovebirds, we’ll have her running in a second.” Or that one of the ADs delivered your call sheets for the next day with a, “I always thought you’d be cute together.” And it certainly didn’t help when you turned your phone on at the end of the day to find a series of texts from Felicity each with more exclamation points and capital letters than the last, and a missed call from Mary.   “Better call her back,” Ben said, following you towards the carpark.  You rolled your eyes, already holding the phone up to your ear listening to it ring.  “Y/N, I was just about to try you again,”  “Sorry, Mary, I had my phone off while we were recording, what’s the matter?”  “Are you free this weekend?”  “Um yeah, I think so, why?”  “We’d like for you and Ben to go on a date this weekend. Somewhere in London preferably but it’s up to you. You saw the article in Heat? It seems to be going well. The hits your names have got on google have increased and there have been a few tweets about it. Nothing huge, you’re not trending or anything but you’re still relatively unknown so we weren’t expecting that to happen, certainly not overnight. But we think if we get a date story out quickly it’ll really help get people interested.”  You rubbed your temple as you tried to process everything she’d just said, “Okay, I’ll talk to him and we’ll organise something. I’ll text you the details once I have them.”  “Okay, let me know as soon as you can though. And send Peter the info too.”  “Will do. See ya Mary.”  “Was that about me?” Ben asked, smiling as he leaned against your car.  “You up for a date this weekend? Apparently the first story went well and they want a follow up ASAP.”  “Sure, where are we going?”  “I don’t know, somewhere around London would apparently be best, but we get to choose. Any thoughts?”  He thought for a moment, “This isn’t our first date is it? Like, we’ve said we’ve been on others before, right?”  “Yeah, why?”  “Well normally for a first date I take girls out for dinner and then, depending on the girl and how the dinner went, either a quiet drink or like a romantic as fuck walk in the park or something.”  “That’s pretty standard stuff, Ben,”  “Yeah, but in the fiction of us as a couple, this isn’t our first date. This’d be, what?”  “Fifth maybe?”  “Fifth. So I’m still trying to impress you a bit, but it’s like, more relaxed. We’ve done the dinner date, we’ve done coffee and a movie, we’ve even done the Museum. Now we’re getting into the fun shit.”  “Museums don’t count as fun shit?” you chuckled, not sure where his train of thought was taking you.  “It’s a bit overdone is all.”  “What do you have in mind then?”  “There’s this place that runs art classes during the day, right? Life drawing or like painting for beginner's type stuff. But a couple of nights a week they run these art and wine nights. They’ll give you a canvas or a ceramic figure or something like that and some paints and you can have a few drinks and do something arty. I did it with some mates a while ago, had heaps of fun. Seemed like the sort of thing yo- a girl might like to do on a date.”  “That definitely sound fun.”  “Really? You’re into it?”  “Yeah, for sure.”  “Okay,” Ben pulled out his phone and began typing, “shall I book us in for the Saturday night ceramics session?”  “Go ahead. What time was that, so I can let Mary and Peter know.”  “Seven thirty. If we get a cab in a little earlier we can grab something to eat on our way.”  “Cool, okay I’ll text them. Is it BYO?”  “Yeah. They do sell some stuff but it’s a pretty small selection.”  “Okay, well that’s something to look forward to. Anyway, I should be going since I have about a million texts to sort through, I’ll see you tomorrow.”  “Wait, one thing,” Ben said before you could open your car door, “There’s a few people coming off set now so I’m going to kiss you, okay?”  “Thanks for the heads up,”  “No worries,” he stepped closer, his hand rising to cup your cheek as he kissed you softly. He took longer to break away than you’d expected, letting the kiss deepen instead, but you didn’t mind too much. It was a good kiss. And if it hadn’t been for Ben and the movie, you would have been severely lacking them recently. Which explained the vague feeling of disappointment that hit you when he did step back.  

On your way home your phone beeped with another text from Felicity but you ignored it until you were inside and changed into the comfiest clothes you could find, flopping down on your bed to scroll through what she’d written. They varied from, “omg why didn’t you tell me about this Ben guy?” to “Y/N!!! Answer my texts!!!” all the way up to, “BITCH!!! CALL ME!!!!”   She picked up on the first ring.   “Where the fuck have you been all day?”  “Some of us don’t have office jobs we hate,” you laughed, “I actually had to work, funnily enough, and because we were on location I had to keep my phone off while we recorded.”  “Well I’ve been going crazy over here. Imagine my shock when I boot up my computer and open Heat and see your fucking arse being grabbed by your co-star.”  “He was not grabbing my arse.”  “Close enough. You didn’t tell me how fucking gorgeous he is.”  “No, well, I don’t usually think about the people I work with like that, do I?”  “Which is why I was so surprised to see you’ve shacked up with one of them.”  “It’s not quite that serious.”  “One night stands aren’t your usual thing. Definitely not with guys you work with anyway.”  “I never said it was a one night stand, just that it wasn’t super serious!”  “How many times then?”  “We’ve been on like four dates.”  “You fuckhead! You mean to tell me you’re actually dating this guy, who by the way looks like he could be a fucking underwear model, and you didn’t think to tell me? No so much as a I got dicked down by a total babe aren’t you jealous message?”  “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it if it wasn’t going to go anywhere.”  “But still, I’m your best friend, I tell you about every shag I have.”  “In graphic detail,”  “Exactly.”  “Look it’s just a bit weird still. Neither of us have really hooked up with a co-star before and we didn’t want to say anything until we worked out what was happening.”  “I guess that makes sense,” you could tell she didn’t mean it, “But, now that it’s out you owe me. I want to hear all about it.”  “There’s not much to tell. We became quite good friends during all the pre-production stuff when we were rehearsing and all that. Our director wanted to make sure we clicked and had the right chemistry and stuff, since it’s a romcom and our characters get engaged in the first scene, so we hung out a lot. And then just before filming started he asked me out. Took me to this nice Chinese restaurant. It was fun so we agreed to go out again and it’s sort of just kept going.”  “Those photos, was that the first time you’d stayed over at his?”  “Second. First time was a couple of weeks ago. The night that led to the photos was just a few drinks after work with some of the others and we ended up ducking out a bit early and wound up at his.”  “And?”   “And what?” You had a hard time not laughing when you heard her groan. Her eagerness to know every sordid detail made her easy to fuck with, and that made the whole business of being secretive a lot more fun.  “And, how was he?”  “I mean…y’know,”  “Y/N, I swear to god,”  “He was good, okay? Really good,” you remembered what Ben had told you to say, trying not to laugh too much while you repeated it, “like, three orgasms good.”  “Shit, really?”  “Uhuh. And then another in the morning.”  Felicity replied with a long whistle, “shit, girl, hold onto that one then. That’s definitely worth any trouble working together could cause."  “Believe me, I know. We’re going out again this weekend.” It was surprisingly easy to lie about dating Ben. Though, of course, you weren’t technically lying since you would be going on a date.   “Shit man, date five. That’s serious shit. You better tell me everything, in graphic detail.” 

When you told Ben about the conversation the next day, admitting you’d spent ages praising his sexual prowess, he laughed and then thanked you, pulling you into a tight bear hug. You thought it was a slight overreaction considering he’d been the one to tell you what to say but his happiness was infectious, and you found yourself smiling more than normal as you hung out between scenes. An attitude which could only help your performance, making people more ready to believe you were a couple. His easy laughter and bright smiles continued until the afternoon when you were telling him more about Felicity and what you’d talked about.   “She thinks you’re a keeper and kept telling me not to let you go.”  “Your friend knows what she’s talking about.”  “Lucky for you I can’t let you go since it’s all written up in a contract,”  Ben laughed but when you glanced at him his smile seemed to falter.   “You okay?”  “Brilliant. Just had a bit of a late night and it’s catching up on me. Think I might try to have a quick nap before we’re needed again.”  “I was thinking of grabbing another coffee if you want one?”  “Thanks Y/N but I think the nap will do me more good.”  “Probably better people don’t see us heading off to a trailer together anyway or they’ll suspect we’re getting up to mischief.”  “Very true. I’ll see you a bit later.”  “Sleep well!”  Ben turned to leave, his smile seeming more forced than earlier. You would have worried except he seemed to be back to normal when he was called for your next scene. And it continued on through the week, his happiness only getting more pronounced the closer it got to the weekend.  

You couldn’t quite match his energy on Friday, anxiety over your date getting stronger the closer you got to it. Hanging out at his place had been easy, even if it did include leaving half dressed. All you’d had to do was kiss him which you’d done enough times during filming that it was no longer too odd. But a proper date was something else. It was going to be the first real test you faced, the first time you’d really have to sell yourselves to the public as more than co-stars and more than a hook-up.  “Hey are you okay?”  “Huh?”  “Your jiggling your leg a lot which you only do when something’s worrying you, what is it?”  “Oh,” you forced your leg to stop moving, “nothing,”  “Is it about our date tonight?”  “What if it’s bad? What if we don’t look like we’re actually together and Mary and Pete have to cancel the whole thing?”  “I’d get a decent night sleep not thinking about us,” he muttered.  “What?”  “I’ve been worried about it too,” he said louder, “but I think we’ll be okay. It’s not like we’ll be starved for conversation and we’ll have the paint and the wine and we’ll be fine. Plus, weren’t you the one who said this would be easy?”  “Yeah I was,” you said sheepishly, “but -”  “No buts. It’ll be a piece of cake. We go and have a good time painting a couple of plates or bowls or whatever, and then hold hands while we head home. They’ll get whatever shots they get, and they’ll spin it so we look like a couple.”  “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry,”  “It’s okay,” he reached out to rub the back of your hand, smiling softly at you, “the nerves might actually help you look like you’re legit. And worst comes to worst we can always run lines. I’m honestly so much more nervous about shooting that scene tomorrow.”  “The one where we’re playing matchmaker?”  “Yes! Have you seen how many names are in there?”  “Theres like six, Ben,”  “Yeah but they’re all repeated, and I know I’m going to get the order wrong,”  You giggled and shook your head, “You’re unbelievable,”  “Oh whatever,” he pushed your shoulder almost making you overbalance, “Just cos you know the lines already.” 

Ben’s efforts to calm you down worked and you got through the rest of the workday without a hitch. Though your stomach was once again tight with nerves in the hours before the date. You spent a solid half hour standing in front of your wardrobe, freshly washed hair slowly dripping down the back of the towel you had wrapped around you, trying to settle on what to wear. When you were finally dressed you checked and rechecked the contents of your purse, and, in a moment of panic, you grabbed the heavily highlighted and notated script pages with the matchmaker scene and shoved them in beside your lipstick and bank card. By the time Ben arrived in an Uber to pick you up, ushering you into the backseat with a kiss on the cheek and a complement about how lovely you looked, you felt like you were on the verge of throwing up. But, once again, Ben’s natural charm eased your mind. The way he talked to you and smiled constantly had your heart rate slowing and your stomach settling within minutes. Even the way he squeezed your hand when he helped you out of the car, and the way he laced his fingers with yours as he led you towards your destination were welcome comforts.  “D’you wanna grab something to eat?” Ben asked, stopping on a corner and looking around, annoyed people passing by on both sides.  “Uhh, s’pose so.”  “Has anyone ever told you you’re indecisive?”  “I swear I’m not normally.”  “Oh? Do I make you nervous, snookum?” he asked, playfully.  “No, you git,” you laughed back, though you found it hard to meet his eyes, “I just don’t know I’m that hungry.”  “Well, keep in mind there’ll be wine drinking. Don’t want to do that on an empty stomach.”  “Valid argument. What’s nearby?”  After some wandering you ended up in a McDonalds, Ben wolfing down a burger while you picked at the fries, not quite certain you’d be able to keep your food down. It was when you were coming out of a bottle shop, Ben holding the wine you’d agreed on, that you spotted the photographer. It was the same one who’d been outside Ben’s house when you stayed over, camera aimed at the two of you. Quietly you nudged Ben. He just wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into his side as you walked. You struggled to not watch the photographer as he followed you towards the art studio, having to keep reminding yourself to pretend he wasn’t there.  “Relax,” Ben said softly in your ear, “He’s not important.”  You nodded, afraid if you said anything you’d lose the meagre dinner you’d had. Ben’s thumb rubbing over your own gave you something else to focus on, counting each soft, smooth stroke, until you reached the right place.  

You weren’t the only couple there, far from it. Most of the claimed tables were taken by pairs sitting close together, hands clasped or laying on thighs as they talked. A few tables held larger groups, double dates maybe or perhaps just friends. You felt a few eyes on you as you found a table close to the clear glass of the shopfront, but they turned away again quickly, more interested in their own little bubbles than yours. You glanced outside to check if the photographer was still there but couldn’t see much more than the reflection of you and Ben. His knee bumped yours under the table as he leaned toward you, pressing a finger to your jaw to turn your head towards him.  “Forget the photographer. Forget Mary and Peter. Forget our arrangement. We're just two friends having a fun night out, okay?”  “Okay,”   “Okay. So what are you thinking of painting then?” He unscrewed the bottle of wine and grabbed one of the glasses you’d been handed on arrival.   “Well what are my options?”  “Well there’s your classic teacup, mug or plate options. There’s a couple of different jewellery boxes, I think. And then there are the statues, ummm, fairy, dragon, alien. Maybe a princess one, I can’t remember.”  “More than I thought there’d be. What were you thinking?”  “I did a dragon last time I was here. But I think I’m going to do a mug this time. Need some extras if you’re gonna be staying over more often.”  “Maybe we should both do mugs, then? Something we can use at each other’s places.”  “Alright, deal. But we can’t look at what the other is painting until they’re done.”  “That’s going to be so hard!” you laughed, feeling properly relaxed for the first time all night.  “Yeah but it’ll be fun though. Wait here, I’ll go grab us the mugs.”  You took the opportunity to look around the room, trying to think of what Ben might like on a mug. There was art everywhere – paintings hanging on walls, examples of what the classes could teach you, decorated ceramics lining windowsills and shelves. Judging by the wildly differing levels of talent displayed, you assumed at least some of them were left behind and never claimed. There were plates decorated with fruit trees and ocean scenes, jugs covered in splatters of different colours, aliens in shimmery blue and princesses with green hair and orange dresses. But nothing that sparked your imagination. The noise of the room was steadily growing as everyone got stuck into their creations. Ben sat down, took a drink and got to work mixing colours.  “You know what you’re going to do then?”  “I have an idea. But I will warn you I’m not a particularly good artist so it might not look anything like what it’s meant to.”  You picked up your blank mug and put it down again, tapping the end of a paintbrush against the table as you tried to come up with an idea. What did Ben like? He liked coffee. And dogs. And his guitar. More than once he’d brought it to set, playing it in his downtime. He’d been embarrassed the first time you mentioned overhearing him as you passed by his trailer, but you’d assured him you’d liked listening to him. You’d had the song stuck in your head for a week afterwards.   “Made up your mind, have you?” Ben asked, glancing up from his handiwork as you mixed a pale peach colour.  “No peeking,”  “I wasn’t peeking. If I’d been peeking, I would have done this,” Ben craned his neck, leaning over to where your mug was.   You laughed and pulled the mug closer to you, pushing him away with your other hand.  He caught it in his own, taking the paintbrush from you, “Oi, careful with that.”  “Oops, sorry,”  Ben laughed and kissed your palm before letting you have your hand back, “No harm done. But y’know if you splattered me I’d have no choice but to get payback.”  There was no need to reach for the script you’d brought as you and Ben fell into conversation while you painted. He asked if you’d had any more awkward phone calls with your friends and told you about what had happened when his mates had found out. Nothing like the conversation you’d endured, though there’d been plenty of teasing. You had to admonish him for nearly getting paint on your work when he began using the largest brush he had to artistically spray drops of paint over his mug. And then he’d laughed when you paused, admitting out loud that you weren’t actually sure how to paint the thing you’d planned on painting. He’d promised not to peek while you whipped out your phone to look up a reference image, going to far as to cover his eyes just to make sure. Once you gave him the okay he went back to painting, switching to a thinner brush and shushing you so he could concentrate. It was ridiculous how cute he looked, tongue between his teeth, bent over the mug as he slowly outlined the design. You shook your head to clear the thought and went back to your own work. 

“Okay, I’m done. You wanna see now?”  “Yes, absolutely. Unless you think we should wait until after they’ve been glazed?”  “Fuck that, we can’t pick them up for a couple of days, I wanna show you now.”  “Alright, show me then,” you put down your brush, focusing all your attention onto the mug in Ben’s hands. The base coat was a light purple, with splatters of darker purple over top. Slowly he turned the mug to show you the design on the front. It bore a slightly wonky engagement ring, similar to the one his character gave yours in the movie. On either side of the ring, in thin, not quite straight lettering, was the words we’re really good at this dating thing.   You smiled as soon as you read the quote from the script, “I love it, Ben”  “Thought it was kind of fitting,” he chuckled, “plus it’ll be a nice little souvenir once the movie wraps.”  “That was a fun scene to shoot. Best proposal I’ve ever had.”  Ben smiled and carefully turned his mug back towards him, “Best proposal I’ve ever given,” He seemed to be about to say something but stopped himself, shaking his head.  You lowered your voice, “Promise I’ll get to keep it after we break up?”  “Promise,” Ben said, matching your level and leaning in close, “Until then maybe you can use it as a reminder whenever you feel anxious about this whole dating thing.”  “Thanks, I will.”   You were suddenly very aware of how softly you were speaking, how close you were sitting, leaning in to hear each other over the rest of the room, and for a split second you thought he was going to kiss you again. But then the moment passed, the noise of the room intruding as Ben leaned back in his seat, “So do I get to see mine?”  “Uh, it’s not quite done,” you said, picking up your brush again, the moment gone, “give me another couple of minutes.”  “Masterpieces take time, I get it,”  “This is by no stretch a masterpiece,”  “I’ll be the judge of that thanks very much,”  Ben turned to look out over the room while you tried to finish your painting without smudging anything, occasionally making comments about other people there or the art that decorated the room.  You took one last look at what you’d painted, the guitar with the words stun gun lullaby written in cursive beside it, “Alright, I’m done now, you can look. Careful, some of it’s still wet.”  Ben gently took hold of the handle and turned the mug so the design faced him. He broke out into a grin and you felt relieved that he liked it.   “It’s definitely a masterpiece. For someone who didn’t know how to draw a guitar you’ve done an incredible job. And how did you know that’s one of my favourite songs?”  “Is it? It's just the song I overheard you playing that one time. I thought that line was a good one for a mug. Nice and short so I didn’t have to paint too much.”  “This is definitely my new favourite mug.”  “Oh stop it.”  “And hey, they kind of match.”  You laughed when he pointed out the similarities, “Guess they do. Y’know that’d make a pretty cute Instagram post.”  “You going to tag me as my mug?”  “Of course. You could post a photo and tag me in it too,”  “I don’t know. I don’t really post much personal stuff online.”  “Well at least comment on mine,”  “I can do that.”  

After you’d taken a decent photo and posted it online you cleaned up, handed your mugs over to the woman running the night’s activity and stepped back out into the night. There was no sign of the photographer anywhere and you supposed he’d got what he needed and then left.   Still, Ben grabbed your hand as you walked back up the street, just in case you’d missed the photographer in the crowd.   “Guess that means we don’t have to worry about going home together,” you said, nudging Ben.  “Guess not,” his lips quirked down in a soft frown.”  “What is it?”  “Nothing, nothing, just...feels kind of weird to just end the date here, I guess,” he scratched the back of his head and laughed, “Normally I’d offer to give you a lift home. Or at least give you a good night kiss, but I guess that’s not really needed now.”  “Well, it’s like you said, we’re just friends having a fun night out. We could share a ride home though, if you wanted. You live near enough to mine it wouldn’t matter.”  “Nah, don’t worry about it. I actually might go grab something to eat, don’t think that burger was quite enough. See you on Monday?”  “Oh, yeah, okay, see you Monday.”   There was a pause, both of you hesitating and then Ben gave you a much too quick hug before he walked off, disappearing into the crowd. You sighed and hailed a passing cab, spending the whole ride home wondering what the hell had just happened. But you pushed it from your mind once you were home, going through your usual nightly routine and very deliberately thinking of anything other than Ben. It didn’t help much. You still dreamt about him. Dreamt about the goodnight kiss you’d missed out on.    

When you woke you had to laugh at yourself. You were sure that, had you binged a few episodes of a tv show or read something before you’d gone to bed you would have dreamt about it instead. Brains were suggestable like that. When you felt awake enough you rolled over and grabbed your phone finding a text from Ben and one from Felicity and an email from Mary. You opened Mary’s first, skimming over it and vowing to look at it properly once you had a coffee in your system. Ben’s was much easier to understand, a short message to say he had fun last night and that he’d pick the mugs up on his way to work on Monday. Felicity’s was just a series of question marks. You sent back a short response saying the date had been a lot of fun. It wasn’t enough and she was bound to come back at you asking for more details, but it would have to satisfy her. Slowly you got out of bed and made yourself a coffee, setting your laptop up next to you at the kitchen counter so you could try to read Mary’s email again. There was some information about some scripts she was going to send you, a couple of potential future roles, but the majority of the email was about you and Ben. She’d already seen the photos, apparently, and some of them would be run in the coming week’s magazine while others were being put online. She’d also seen the Instagram post and commended you for thinking of it. Another date would have to be organised, but it was better to wait until the next weekend or even the one after, so as not to fatigue the public.  

So you and Ben fell into the routine of it. An email from one or other of your agents sometimes as vague as just telling you to organise a date, sometimes much more specific in what they wanted you to be doing, then the date itself, and in between work where you played up the romance as much as possible. You got good at pretending to stay over at each other's places, often just hanging out watching TV or running lines until the photographer called it a night and you were free to leave. Once or twice you’d opted to sleep in your own bed but get up early and head over to Ben’s for the required morning after shots but that process got old very quickly so you ended up actually staying over more and more. There was one day when your period came unexpectedly while you were at Ben’s. You were halfway through asking him to take you home when he offered to run to the store for you instead.  “No, no, you don’t have to go out of your way like that, I’ve got plenty at home I just didn’t think I’d need any today.”  “Y/N, I promise, it’s no trouble. I feel bad I don’t have anything here for you already. Been a while since I’ve lived with a girl and it didn’t even cross my mind. Seriously, it’ll take me two minutes.” When you still weren’t convinced he continued, “Plus, if I go we won’t ruin Peter and Mary’s plan for today. And the Paps can get a shot of me staring at boxes of tampons like a good caring boyfriend. It’ll help our image.”  “Oh alright, as long as you don’t mind.”  He was out the door a second later and back within ten minutes, though you did get a call from him at the shop, asking what brand you preferred. Once he was home, he made you a cup of tea, gave you a painkiller and, after checking you didn’t mind, cuddled up with you on the couch, teasingly calling you his cuddle bunny as he pulled you back against his chest. You almost complained, almost cited Rule 5, but it wasn’t so bad. Some might even go so far as to call it cute. It was better than snookum at any rate.  

 The dates themselves got easier after the first. You knew what to expect now so it wasn’t as nerve wracking as before. And Ben was always fun to be around, your list of inside jokes steadily growing as he became the one person you spent the most time with. You let yourselves relax a bit. On your third date Ben’s arm stayed glued around your waist as you walked around the zoo, only losing contact when a lemur jumped on his shoulder and you stepped back to take a photo. It wasn’t low enough to violate the rules you’d put in place but his hand was dangerously close to falling below your belt, and it was definitely something you would have put a stop to when you first started the charade. The Instagram posts had got more frequent too, though Ben still refused to post anything to his own profile. But he commented on everything you posted whether it involved him or not. And people were buying it. You’d been moved from page 15 to page 13 and then to page 10 in the magazines. You both picked up more followers online as your photos were shared across Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr. There were some downsides like rude comments and nasty messages but mostly they were easy to ignore. Worse were the phone calls and messages from family members and friends asking when they’d get to meet Ben. He’d had to fend off his own family as well, but you both stuck to Rule 4, making up excuses and promising it would happen eventually, but it just wasn’t possible right now. But your biggest problem was the issue of intimacy. It wasn’t the lack of sex itself, that was easily managed. It was that Ben had started to intrude on your fantasies. You’d be there with your fingers or your toys and suddenly it was Ben’s voice you were thinking of, Ben’s hands, Ben’s teeth and tongue and chest. Ben’s name falling from your lips. And you knew it was just because you were pretending to date him, on and off set. It was the dumb suggestable brain thing again. The thoughts were only there because you were pretending to be in love with him and usually sex was tied up with love or at least relationships. And really, you hadn’t been attracted to anyone much lately because you hadn’t been looking because you’d been pretending to be attracted to Ben so it’s really no wonder you’re brain got all confused and mixed him into those other thoughts. The first time you saw him after it first happened you wondered if he could tell, a slightly flustered awkwardness hanging over you. But it wasn’t worth mentioning to anyone. You just vowed to push him out of your mind as much as you could.  

Nearly two months later you found yourselves back in the office where the idea of pretending to date was first floated. With filming drawing to a close Mary and Peter were keen to check in with you. The first thing either of them said when you and Ben turned up is how well the story was going.  “Projections have the sales for this movie increased by five percent, just because of your relationship and that number is expected to grow as we get closer to release,” Mary spoke fast though whether that was excitement at the boosted numbers or just a busy schedule rushing her along you weren’t sure.  “What happens now?” Ben asked, “I mean, since we won’t be filming together anymore after this week,”  “That’s exactly why we wanted to talk with you both today,” Peter opened a pocket notebook and thumbed through a couple of pages, “so not much will change but we may occasionally need to balance out the loss of on set photos with shots of you out and about together. Nothing stressful and all very easily staged. You probably wouldn’t even need to be out for more than an hour or so at a time. People have been loving the domestic sort of photos you’ve been putting online, Y/N, that one of you using the coffee mugs you painted was especially good. So we’d like a few more of those sorts of moments. The two of you grocery shopping or walking a dog, do either of you have a dog? No? Hmmm, we could hire a dog and write a story about you sitting for a friend. We’ll put a pin in that for now. But yes, just some candid shots of you walking around London and doing regular everyday things together.”  “We’ll also need to schedule the argument soon. We’re thinking somewhere within the first two weeks of filming being over. It means we can run speculation about whether the relationship is on the rocks now that you aren’t working together anymore. We’ll see how things go this week and make some decisions later, but we’ll give you plenty of warning before you have to perform it. Obviously, it has to be scheduled so we can guarantee someone will get photos but we need it to seem as natual as possible so we’ll leave the specifics of the argument up to you.”  You nodded along but Ben had more questions.  “What does this mean for any jobs we might be looking at taking after this movie wraps?”  “You can still take on whatever roles you want provided they’re filming here. It’s harder to keep you in the public eye if you’re separated and while the drama of a long-distance relationship might be interesting at first, it’s not sustainable.”  “If it was filming somewhere else in the UK we could maybe organise something. We’d have to look into it and see if it was possible to stick to our same plan but just shift the location. Maybe have a weekend visit angle to it, Y/N flies out to see Ben, Ben comes home to see Y/N, that kind of thing.”  “Leave it with us Ben and we’ll get back to you on the logistics of it all.”  “Oh, that’s okay, I don’t have anything set in stone, I was just curious.”  “Is there anything else you have questions about?”  “No, I don’t think so,” He looked towards you.  “No, I’m all good.”  “Okay, well, if you think of anything you can message us any time.”  “Really, though, this is going very well. It’s already paying off but we need to keep the momentum during the post-production phase, so we need you both to be committed to this.”  “We are.”  “Unbelievably committed,” Ben added. 

You and Ben left the meeting joking about potential arguments you could have and for the rest of the day, whenever you passed each other in the halls or had a moment alone you’d try to one up each other's suggestions. It was a good way to keep your spirits up even though the end of filming was fast approaching. One by one each cast member recorded their last scenes, saying an emotional thank you to the crew when the director called cut. You and Ben were the last to finish since you were the leads. A small pillow talk scene that you could do in your sleep. It was a nice way to end it, lying in bed with Ben’s arms around you, even with the heat of the studio lights. While you were waiting for the cameras to be positioned you and Ben joked around with the crew that were flitting around angling mics and adjusting set decorations.   “Hey, Seth,” Ben said suddenly, “can you pass me my phone. I think we need to document this moment. What d’you say, cuddle bunny?”  You laughed and poked him in the side but agreed. Ben stuck his arm straight up into the air, trying to angle the camera just right but he couldn’t quite get the photo to take without blurring. Seth took pity on you and offered to take the photo himself, allowing you and Ben to snuggle in close.  “If you post it on Insta you better credit me,” Set laughed, turning it round to show you.  “I’ll do that,” He said with a smile, “It’s pretty cute, I think I have to post it.”  “Really?” you asked, surprised he’d volunteer to do such a thing.  Ben didn’t have a chance to respond because everything was ready to go. Seth put the phone back away so you could film the scene, laughing in between takes until everyone was satisfied.   “That’s a wrap on Ben Hardy and Y/N Y/L/N everybody,”  A round of applause started as you pushed yourself to sit up, trying to stop yourself from welling up.  “And that’s a wrap on The Perfect Match.”  The applause continued and Ben pulled you into a tight hug, rubbing your back and pressing a kiss to the top of your head. You had to say a few words but you managed to get through it, and Ben’s little speech, without completely losing it. Afterwards, as people packed up the equipment and you headed back to your trailers to change, Ben pulled out his phone again.  “I guess I should post that photo now, how’s this caption,” he said each word slowly as he typed it out, “Thank you Y/N for being the perfect Edith to my Andy. And thank you @theperfectmatchmovie for finding me my perfect match.”   “Did you tag me?”  “Of course,”  “Did you tag Seth?”  “Uhhhh, camera emoji by @seththesoundman. Now I have,”  “Then it’s perfect. Little bit cheesy but I’ll let it slide.”  “I’ll post another lot of photos with everyone else later and write a longer thing about how much fun this movie was and all of that, but I think this’ll do for the minute. Mary and Peter better fucking appreciate it.” 

That evening most of the cast and crew headed out for drinks at the local pub. The official party would come later but everyone needed to get out and celebrate for an evening. You and Ben stayed for a few hours, Ben getting a little more clingy with each drink he finished. You limited yourself to only a couple. Ben wasn’t going to be able to drive so you decided to fall on that sword, switching to water quite early on. When he reached the point of intoxication that had him constantly complementing everyone you decided to call it a night, taking a final lap to say goodnight to everyone. There were a few wolf whistles and slurred comments about getting some as you left, Ben’s arm around your waist and his laugh in your ear, but you waved them off and led Ben out to your car.   “C’mon Benny boy, I’ll drop you home.”  “What about my car?”  “Well you’ll have to come get it in the morning, won’t you.”  He hummed and lay his head against the back of the seat, chatting animatedly as you made the trip to his. You wished him goodnight as he got out of the car and watched him make his way up to his front door. There he paused, patting his pockets.  “Everything alright? You called out to him.  “I don’t have any keys,” he laughed, turning around to come back to the car.  “You fucking goon, did you leave them at the pub?”  “Guess so,” he shrugged, “Can I crash at yours?”  “Get in,”  “Thanks cuddle bunny, you’re the best”  You rolled your eyes, “Guess this means I’ll be your taxi tomorrow, running you around to find your keys and your car,”  “That’s what girlfriends are for,”  “If you say so.”  

Once at yours you headed to the kitchen to make tea, Ben following to grab a glass of water and a snack. He knew where you kept everything by now, making himself a sandwich with whatever he found in your fridge, and then carrying it out to the couch. By the time the teas were made Ben already had Netflix queued up, ready to play the next episode of the series you’d started watching together. Nearly Twenty minutes into the episode Ben’s phone dinged.  “Ah shit,” he said as he glanced at it, “forgot I said I’d call Joe. Do you mind if we pause the ep? We’re trying to organise travel stuff for him and it’s easier if we talk it through rather than texting it all.”  “Sure,”  “I promise I won’t be long.”  “Take your time, it’s fine,” you were already reaching for your laptop.  Ben smiled at you before ducking out of the room. You head him walking down the hall, footsteps fading as he got further away. For a while you just enjoyed the quiet as you checked your emails and social media profiles but after commenting on the photo Ben had posted and replying to a few messages from people you knew there wasn’t really much left to do. You drummed your fingers on your keyboard trying to think of another website you could visit. There was still no sign of Ben and you didn’t want to continue the show without him so you stood up, stretched, and headed back to the kitchen to grab some chocolate from the stash you kept. You were just about to shut the fridge when you heard Ben’s voice coming from the other side of the wall. Your spare room where he’d clearly gone to make his phone call.   “Yeah, Joe, I fucking know. But I don’t have much choice.” He sounded more sober than he had when he’d got up. There was a pause as Joe spoke and then you heard Ben again.  “I don’t know what I was thinking getting into this mess…..Yeah maybe. Doesn’t really matter though now does it…. What’s that supposed to mean? I can’t just call it quits now, the story is doing too well and Peter has assured me that the numbers are promising or whatever I don’t really know how they measure it. All I know is that people are going to see the movie because of us.”  There was a long pause. You quietly shut the fridge and took a step back towards the doorway. This was not a conversation you should be listening in to. But then Ben spoke again, and curiosity got the better of you.  “It doesn’t matter Joe. It doesn’t matter how I feel.” He laughed but it was completely devoid of humour, “Of course it sucks. It’s fucking shit, man. I just keep waiting for her to tell me she feels the same but it’s not happening…... No, I know it’s completely one sided…..No, I don’t think she knows. She wouldn’t have wanted to do it in the first place if she knew…. I just wish things were different. I love being around her and being able to hold her and kiss her but it fucking sucks that it’s only in public….. I don’t know. Maybe not filming together will ma-”  You could feel your cheeks burning as you tiptoed back towards the lounge room, not quite sure what to do with yourself. You paced back and forth for a moment before deciding to go to the bathroom, at least then Ben couldn’t walk in on you as you tried to process it. You let the door shut loudly behind you, hoping that if Ben had heard movement he’d think you’d just got up to use the loo. He couldn’t know you’d overheard him. You leaned against the sink and tried to make sense of what you’d heard. Ben couldn’t have a crush on you, he just couldn’t. But it was the only thing he could have been talking about. What the fuck did that mean for your arrangement? What the fuck were you meant to do now?

[purplesurveys]

467

-- List 8 Friends of Either Gender -- 1. Angela 2. Gabie 3. Jo 4. Kate 5. JM 6. Hannah 7. Luisa 8. Jane

Questions About These Friends Does number 4 have a driver’s license? No, she doesn’t know how to drive. She told me her parents were gonna give her a car as a graduation gift, but I don’t know how that’ll work because she’s to scared to learn. Can number 7 speak another language? Yes. Filipino and English, like me. I’m just not sure if she can also understand other languages as well. Does 2 know your parents well? Well she kinda has to, if she wants to continue dating me hah. Have 3 and 5 been in the same room together? Pretty often. The three of us were executive board members in our organization, so we worked together a lot.

Does 1 have similar music tastes to you? Not really. It overlaps sometimes but at the end of the day, hers is still distinct from mine. Has 6 ever stayed at your house? Nah, she’s never visited.

When did 3 last text you? A little more than a month ago when we were planning out to go to the launch of Popeye’s in the country hahaha. Does 5 have any pets? If so, what do they have? Yesssss. He has Alley the golden retriever, and Alley recently gave birth to pups too. They sold several ones but they kept two named Mika and Theo. Does 7 live in the same town/city as you? Oh no not at all. She lives in Sta. Rosa, Laguna - a good hour and a half away from where I’m from. Have you ever lent something important to 8? Yes. I lent her all my Audrey Hepburn DVDs when I found out she was also a fan, but she’s since returned them to me. Can number 1 sing well? She’s okay. Does 2 have any siblings? Yes, two amazing and the most charming little sisters. If 4 called you at 2 AM, what would your reaction be? My first thought would definitely be that she did something stupid haha. She’s a good friend though, so I’d pick up the phone for her. Who is 8′s best friend? Mmm I’m just not sure. We’re from different friend groups so I don’t know who she’s closest with. From the org, it’s probably Tina or Ed. I’m just not aware of other close friends she has. Does 6 have a favourite tv show? If so, what is it? She probably has, but I just don’t know which one. Who out of 5 and 7 knows you the best? Maybe JM. Luisa graduated a year ago so she’s not really caught up with my life as of late. Does 4 have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yep, she’s going out with Edi but she also feels like she jumped in to the relationship too soon and is now having doubts about it. Does 2 have a career/knows what they want to be? She wants to work in film and TV production. Have you ever kissed 1? No. Does 3 have or want children? I don’t...think she actively wants children? We’ve talked about how we would raise our kids if ever the opportunity comes, but she’s not crazy about wanting to have them. Does 6 have any piercings or tattoos? She might have ear piercings, but I’m not sure. I know for sure she doesn’t have tattos and piercings anywhere else. Do your parents know 8? Not really. My mom has always been more familiar with my high school friends. Which Number...

Have you had romantic feelings for? 2 Have you told a secret to? I dunno, all of them? I trust all my friends. Have you shared a bed with? 1, 2 Have you watched a movie with? 1, 2 Have you seen cry? 1, 2, 3, 4, 8 Have seen you cry? 1, 2 Have cooked you something? 1 Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? 1, 2, 3, 4 Have met your parents? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8 Have been to the same school/college as you? All of them. Angela and I are both AA-UP, Gabie’s from AA, the rest are from UP. About Number One: Angela What age are they? She’s 20, but she’s turning 21 in September.

Have you met their parents? Of course! I’m very close with them, and I’ve known them since I was 7. Have you ever been in a relationship with them? Nah, she’s straight as a stick and I’ve always seen her as my sister, anyway. Do they like most of your other friends? We came from the same group in high school so we have the same friends on one end. But she’s never met my org friends because our schedules make it impossible to band them all together. How often do you two meet up and/or talk? We talk 1-2 times a week but we see each other much less. We’re always busy doing our own thing, but she’s my best friend and we’re always able to catch up and I’m grateful for that. When did you last argue? God, probably when we were 11. We’ve never argued except for petty grade school shit. What is their favourite food? I’ve known her for 14 years and I have no idea what her favorite food is. Where is their favourite place to be? Wherever Hans is, I’m guessing. How many close friends do they have? Around 4-5, I’m guessing. Number Two: Gabie What colour is their eyes? Dark brown, almost black. Have they known you the longest? No, that achievement belongs to Angela. I’ve only known Gabie for 7 years. Where were they born? I think she was born in Manila too, I’m just not sure where. Why are they your number 2? I didn’t want to make her #1 cos that would be too predictable haha. Do they like children? She used not to; I think I changed her mind about it. She still has reservations, but she’s been more receptive in the last few years. Would they beat you in a race? Probably. She never loses. When did you last spend time alone together? Yesterday morning. I slept over Friday night and left the next morning. We went to our high school and had a peaceful walk there :3 Do they have a pet peeve? What is it? Irresponsible co-workers. Number Three: Jo What is their hair colour? Black. She’s dyed it so many times before though; she just stopped recently. What is their job, if they have one? She doesn’t have one, she’s a full-time student.

Do they have their own place? No. She does stay at a dorm for the duration of the school year because she lives all the way in Pateros, which is too far from UP. How many brothers or sisters do they have? She’s an only child. Have you ever done something illegal with them? I don’t know haha – I don’t think so. Jo’s too goody goody to do anything bad. How old were you when you met each other? I was 19. I met her when we were both applying for our current college org. Are they more sporty, arty or academic? She’s a mix of artsy and academic, definitely. She write poems, but she’s also really good in all her classes. Have you ever travelled out of country with this person? Nah. Person Four: Kate Do they have a favourite musician? Yeah. She’s expressed her love multiple times for LANY, HONNE, and Lauv. Have you drank alcohol with this person? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA too many times. Are their parents together? Yes. What do you enjoy doing with them? Gossiping and ranting, hahaha. She’s an easy person to talk to and she knows so much insider stuff, which is always fun. When is their birthday? January 1, 1999. Do they have long or short hair? Short. It used to be long but she had it cut dramatically a couple of months ago. Have you been to a concert with this person? No. We have different music interests so I dunno if I’ll ever find myself in a concert with her. If you asked them to describe you, what do you think they would say? Mature, maybe? I’m always the one telling her off if she’s being too petty. Person Five: JM Where did you two meet? He was my classmate in my introductory journalism class when I was a freshie. He was a sophomore and had just shifted from Biology back then. How long ago did they phone you? Like, call me? He doesn’t really do that. Do they have a certain sport they play? No. He’s more of a musical instrument kind of guy. What about them annoys you sometimes? He’s a little pessimistic and aloof sometimes, which can be strange for me. He’s still my favorite dude, though. Are they ruled by their head or their heart? Head, definitely. He’s very realistic. Are they male or female? Male. In what ways are they the opposite of you? I’m super clingy and can be really friendly and affectionate. He’s none of those as he’s very chill. How many rooms do they have in their house? I’m not sure; I’ve never been to the second floor of their house. His house is huge, though. Person Six: Hannah Can they play an instrument? She can play a little piano, but she mainly sings. Are they close with their mother? I’m sure she doesn’t have any issues with her mom but I don’t know if they’re close. Do you know any of their siblings well? Not really. I just know her sister is 21 and already married. How many times have you visited their house? I’ve never been. When did you last go out to eat together? Several months ago. We had dinner at Pancake House after an org meeting. Do they own a bike? I’m not sure. Maybe she does? Do they have a sweet, sour or salty tooth? I don’t really know what kind of food she’s into. What music genre do they listen to most? She’s into pop songs and ballads. She also has a huge crush on David Archuleta. Person Seven: Luisa Would you ever consider dating this person? Not really. I was already with Gabie when I first met her so I never entertained the thought. Do they prefer cats or dogs? Dogs. Are they or do they plan to go to college? To study what? She did go to college – that’s where I met her. She took up journalism. If they did something illegal, what would it be? HAHAHA I’m just not sure how far she’s willing to go. Have you ever shared a sundae with this person? I don’t think so, no. is their hair dyed or natural? Natural. Is this peson sarcastic? She can be, but it’s not really her go-to humor.

Is this person more likely to party or sit in and read a book? Read a book, I think.  Person Eight: Jane Have you ever lied to this person? Only about deadlines, and if I’m done with my deliverables haha. I don’t let it go too far because I respect her too much to betray her. Do you know where this person was born? I don’t. Do you know their middle name and do they know yours? Her second name is Caroline, but I’m not sharing her maiden name. She knows my whole name too. Do they have any special talents? As far as I know, no. What is their starsign? She’s a Virgo. I know this only because she shares her birthday with Beyonce lmaaaaaao. What is the first thing you notice about this person? Her mood for the day. She can sometimes be super pissed at the world so I always have to watch out for that. Have you ever had a big row with this person? Never. Do you like the same types of movies as this person? Well, we both love Audrey Hepburn so there’s that. Random Stuff Which of these friends would you say you are the closest to? Gabie and Angela, as I always say. Can you remember all of their birthdays? Yep. I was the VP for Internal Affairs so I know everyone’s birthday, hahaha. Is there anything you regret saying to any of them? Maybe stuff I’ve said in anger to Gabie. I’ve never lost my temper with everyone else. Which one of these has been there for you the most? Angela. Which one have you known the longest and the shortest amount of time? I’ve technically known Gabie for 17 years, but I’ve been friends with Angela for 14 years. I knew everyone else in 2017, when I joined my org. If you needed a laugh, you'd call... Kate. If you needed advice, you'd call... Gabie and Angela. Which one does your parents like the most? Also Gab and Angela. Is there any of these your parents dislike? I don’t think so. They aren’t too familiar with the rest. Do any of them share the same initials? Jo and JM are both JCs. You can invite one with you for a once in a lifetime trip, which one? Gabie! Something you'd like to say to one of them: You deserve the world and more.

[hanzi83]

Let Me Explain The Targeted Harassment

Before I begin the blog, there are a lot of thoughts in here that will be my opinion and my theories mixed with some of the established facts that has been documented. I already know the people targeting me, will dissect this blog and will even make comments about how no one cares about this, and it is probably true. This is what happens when you isolate people due to lack of trust in this world, and even if I explain the value I had in this life, it is dismissed and I am labeled someone who is a fucking delusional narcissist who is very mentally ill, and all of that is fine to say when it becomes to belittling me and not valuing me anything because you need to beat my self esteem even more, it looks like Tom Cruise from Vanilla Sky. Sorry I have not watched much movies or television show due to this periscope addiction I have been on this past summer, maybe I should update it and say my self esteem resembles the women in the Manson family after Cliff from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood beats the living piss out of them.

So since I have not written in my personal journal in a while, due to hackers moving my cursor and I wanted to test how my mind would cope with having to deal with the thoughts and organizing them in my head, because I am constantly thinking and I am barely scraping by with this mental illness, especially when you have people constantly streaming my stuff and making it seem like I will be kidnapped, or they know when my therapy appointments are or when I am meeting my caseworker. I have to worry about constantly letting my guard down, because anyone who interacts with a former character- oh sorry I mean regular meaningless caller (even though the Stern Show contacted me in 2008 to be an intern, or Artie Lange and Jon Hein hinting in 2009 that I was a contributor nonchalantly, or the fact when I would pitch guests, Shuli would tell me to tell anyone I try to contact that I am a producer) but yes I was not valued as much, so people online who were initially chat room and forum trolls, who were given the platform, which I believe since the world is a lot more organized, it feels like people were given incentive to vote for Trump, and in return they are given free range to act like assholes online who bully and harass people and never get called out, even though it has been evident that government agents have been watching these youtube streams.

So let’s start from the beginning and I have covered this most of 2018 of a youtube streamer show that was making my life hell and I was sure as hell sure this dude was a Howard Stern agent and given permission to fuck with whack packers. Howard, to me at least, has always showed disdain for people who use characters from his show, so whenever there are people who are creating projects with using the whack packers, it feels cosigned and co-opted. So there was this youtuber who surfaced, who didn’t seem to catch much traction on the surface, but he somehow was the creator of a very prominent Stern Show Facebook group, which I never really knew about, but he did these videos on his green screen playing old Howard Stern clips and just analyze it in the most mediocre way possible, I never thought much about him, but toward the end of 2017 he approached me on twitter to be on his show, and let him do an interview.

I was hesitant because I am not a dark web guy, so I don’t know who these people are associated with and I will never know, but I figured one interview would not be that bad, even though it was on a podcasting network named after a Stern regular caller who was kind of responsible for bothering a Whack Packer named Eric the Actor, who has now passed on, so I had reservations about this dude, but apparently he had issues with this network so he did his own thing. I did my interview with this youtuber named Jimmernam and we had good chemistry, but there were things I did not like about this show from the jump, which included him trying too hard to be like Howard Stern. I have gone through this before but never mentioned this guy’s name. He would organize callers to call in and fuck with me and this cam girl named Goddess and act like he did not know these people, even though later on after I left it, those callers become permanent fixtures of the show.

We had a blow up because I knew this show was not good for me, even though momentarily I was having fun, and because I did not play along with his agenda, he would act like he did not need me, and say he would get viewers on his own because no one cares whatsoever, but still kind of guilt me into coming back every couple of weeks but with the way he would bully other youtubers and dox people, it was not a show for me. We did have a blow up where I lost my mind, I was on a low dosage of my medication and they were piling on, and I questioned how he was a father because he just seems to harass cam girls all the fucking time, especially since that cam girl in particular said he was kind of creepy or some shit, he thought I made fun of his kids and he snapped and he threatened to get me to kill myself, I retorted with “Your kids are gonna want to do that if they realize what kind of father you are” so we both threw shit at each other.  Also because I got into arguments with a Trump supporter, who goes by the nickname Kitty on the show, I would lose it on her and she used to produce a 24-7 feed of High Pitch Erik, so I already know she is ingrained in the system, even though she will deny it. I could be wrong, but when the blow up happened and I lost it and said she probably fucked High Pitch Erik, she accused me of sexually harassing her. My larger point was the system would not allow people in that world if they did not have to do something. It got dropped, but later after all of this happened, she did admit in a private message when she was sorry. I asked her who put her up to doing that sexual harassment thing and she said she did not remember.

I went back a few times because they figured enough time passed but I maintained I would maybe just come back permanently but I said I would come by when I felt like it but it was probably best for me to just do my own thing because I just feel if I get pulled into so much drama, it will not be good for my mental health, even though trolls will constantly come to me and bring drama with insinuating they are watching me, my parents don’t love me, or that they are profiting off me, and saying the worst shit possible to elicit a reaction, a very irrational reaction and because when my manic breakdowns happen, I have no qualms at the moment with saying some of the most vile shit ever because my fucked up brain has been trained by the shit I used to consume, whether it was comedy, radio, wrestling or hip hop, or just western media and I then feel bad about it immediately because I know they were looking for it but I am so in tune with what they want but I basically over feed them so they end up being sick at the end of this for wanting to be fed in the first place.

One of the other factors of why I liked the show initially was because Wendy from Howard Stern was somehow a regular there, and Jimmernam clearly had some control over her or something because Howard allowed her to just be used like this, and second he would insist she not do any other show on a different podcast network, even if they are getting paid over there. He had a feud going on and by proxy there were elements of people getting doxxed by both parties, or how Jimmernam would call his enemy’s mother and telling her on voicemail that the wrong son died etc and also constantly showcase his trolling with others, and when I applied what he was doing to others with what was happening to me, he would then attack me more, but claim he had just cause because I am making some wild accusations, and he would play my streams and have my picture on the banner, and he knows I have no power so I couldn’t do shit about this. I don’t have a gang of trolls working for me to just go around and report stuff, like he has done and make it seem like others were the bullies.

So the final blowup where he just didn’t give a shit, and it seemed like the people on top gave him incentive to have me on his show and make it feel like me on my own was nothing special, so my views dwindled, which are always controlled, even if I got massive amounts or very low count, so it was meant for me to go back over there but I did not want anything to do with it because they could not even admit what they were doing. He did not like I did not call in to wish him a happy birthday, and also he has been in Wendy’s ear about mentioning me on the show, since I had been banned 2 years prior, and she also mentioned Jimmernam multiple times, to which Howard did not even react to, and that is what got to him, and it felt like it was not reacted to because it would prove me right that he was a Howard Stern agent. Then he finally snapped and it felt like he had to implode, whether it happened organically or he and his people organized it because more and more people left his show because of the doxing of cam girls, which endangers them, constantly having alcoholic meltdowns and berating contributors because people were donating to them, or wanting to just expand to other shit and it felt like maybe it was a planned hiatus, where everyone would reconvene after a couple of months, it just seemed out of nowhere.

So by the end of 2018 summer he would have meltdowns on his own and apologize but then go back to harassing people and isolating himself from everyone and basically made enemies, of people who were his friends prior. He would still talk shit to other youtubers and dedicate his remaining drunk streams to doxing people, and going to war with his competition etc, while playing lady gaga and a cover of “Bye-Bye-Bye” from an N Sync cover band. He even had a new woman by the name Kitty, not to be confused with the prior Kitty and play video of me cussing out the first Kitty and make it seem it was against her. By October-December of last year he was just doing streams here and there, kind of like he was at the end of his “I don’t give a fuck” phase. One of the main reasons his discord channel got shut down was because he started doing basketball videos, and basically copy of people who write articles etc and he happened to recruit some kid to be in his discord, and he gave him mod status and also was sharing porn in there. I was never in that discord, I don’t go on it often unless I have to talk to someone so I make a temporary account, but at that time I did not go in there other than one time after someone approached me privately to tell me that Wendy from Stern, who is a slow adult, was flashing her tits and wrote “You happy now?” and I never saw the photo, although Jimmer and Kitty were passing it around in their text messages when Jimmer leaked out the texts in the latter versions of the live streams.

He disappeared after all of that, after he did one last Christmas stream where he was doxing a government agent, who was stalking the cam girls and apparently was a creep. He had pictures of him being at some events etc and that is why I start to think how many other government types watch these streams that are just not really a blimp on the radar in the culture, but he was telling this guy with text to speech about him raping his daughters and that he is going to fuck his wife etc and then after that no one heard from him.

Speed up a couple of months later, he apparently had already started a new channel in November 2018 but people did not pick up on it until February where he was rebranding himself as Misery Box on youtube who read reddit stories of Entitled Parents etc and he was making bank and getting a lot views, like millions of views so there was a brand new audience of kids that were being made aware of this new loveable youtuber. It kind made me relieved that maybe if he finds success in this, he would stop bothering me, even though his trolls would show up to fuck with me, because if he was making these reddit videos in November, while no one knew who he was, and he was still doing drunk streams, I could sense he would still be using trolls against me. And I know he blames me for the implosion of his show, and would still continually harass me, I can’t prove that for sure but it I just watch his patterns, because he would show up as Jimmernam on his enemy’s streams and cuss them out etc.

In April, there was a Misery Box exposed video, and apparently even in this new community Jimmernam could not resist going back to his old tactics, because he has to be number one in everything he does, so he seemed to start trouble by telling people in this youtube community that another youtuber was trying to bully smaller content creators, so there was a conversation that was recorded, where some of them were not buying it and he just snapped on some 17 year old kid and after telling him he was good at what he does, then tells him he is lazy in his editing after the kid was asking genuine questions about originality in the youtube space. So this woman Iilluminaughtii created this video, and instantly his subscribers were dropping and it was not the same for him. He tried changing his channel name several times so people would not catch on and he was quiet about any of the allegations of the video that was made, which compiled some clips of him as Jimmernam etc. He would eventually come back with some live streams to explain himself and then point out who is responsible, so he would show his enemies etc, and this is all in front of a kid audience, and I think he had to buy new subscribers because his views barely make it to 2500 within a week.

Now Wendy, who people have always said she was a scammer, and I always thought she was told to manipulate with her condition to get money from people, whether she was actually struggling or basically making money for this Jimmer guy or whoever latched onto her but I felt protective because a bunch of Stern trolls would just call her name and mock her condition relentlessly. Last December she was in a car accident and has been in the hospital since, and it seemed weird because she was first at the hospital, then a rehab center, but now it is a nursing home, claiming she could not leave the home until she paid her bill of 20K. It made no sense but I would let her plug it while I was doing lives, and she did not even mention Jimmernam, but suddenly in the last month she joined periscope, and became beloved there, but I had to watch out for trolls there too and she seemed really distressed that Jimmer was no longer around and she wanted to hear from him, and the thing is I feel Jimmer did not really care about her and just needed her, and it seemed when all this Misery Box got fucked up, he needed her again. I think he put her up to this, and has always kind of been in contact with her on some level, because he did just show up.

I did not express the full vitriol I had for him and Kitty because of the fucked up shit I felt they did, but they both seemed to change, and it does not feel like a coincidence they both showed up around the same time frame of Wendy needing them again. Jimmer seemed peaceful and wanted to give me props for contributing to his show and how it was a huge fucking deal for him to have me, and this is documented in Wendy’s scope and I admitted I had fun on his show for a bit but it was becoming too much for my mental health to deal with, especially since it was giving me flashbacks to how Stern went about shit. I said I needed to see if he changed for real, and needed a couple of months. He did not seem pleased, and I had a feeling this was all for me to have this feeling of nostalgia with him coming back after the show had been disbanded for a year, but I still had to keep my guard up. So it continue with Wendy doing her periscope streams, and every day she would have to show me how much she loved Jimmernam and talking about how she is going to marry him because he promised her and she wants to get a tattoo of him on her belly. I just had to calmly tell her these aren’t good ideas, but not get confrontational about Jimmernam; because I know he means a lot to her.

He was doing his streams and started a new format, and clearly had a new kid audience, and he was doing adult orientated stuff, even though he has been questioned why he gave a kid porn in his old discord, now he seems to be grooming new batch of kids and making him seem like the victim, because the people who he has fucked with are going after him for being a banned guy on youtube who somehow found a loophole to get back on, and he is interviewing trans women, and asking sexual questions in front of an audience of kids who are 12-15 years of age, maybe some of 17. He wanted to play audio of one of his enemies having sex with his woman but was advised not to, he played old interview with one of his contributors about his gay experience, and listen I don’t have a problem with trans women giving their stories, or someone else’s gay experience, but is this kind of shit appropriate for a 41 year old on the internet to be giving these kids that? I criticized it and we got into it but in a calmer way, because he was trying to maintain that he is a good guy who is not going to snap because I am not giving in. I even questioned about these pedo allegations, because it bothers me that since I am not into the dark web or in these group chats, I don’t know these people’s past because I assumed if they were dangerous or corrupt, the people would have got him tagged, but since he is being allowed to do streams and get a fan base, I figured that those pedo allegations were real or not. I don’t see the proof, other than him having a weird fascination of wanting to have a kid audience and giving a kid porn in a discord, which was shut down.

I think he became impatient and starting using Wendy a lot more because he knows that I care for Wendy so fucking much and I have tried to defend her from trolls and I really don’t make money off her or my streams, so I am purely doing it because I am a fan of her and she has entertained me for so many years on the show, so I just felt because Howard does not watch out for her or even help her out, seemingly, but I did not mind it because I was also meeting others who were fans on her and showing her love, but she kept going into other discords of Jimmer’s enemies and cuss them out, and it was like how is she figuring this out to go to a specific discord, and it became such a problem that she was screaming obscenities in the nursing home to this guy named Saiyanz, that the nurses had to come in and tell her to put the phone down because she was waking up her roommate, and you could hear her crying and flipping out. It was clearly getting her in trouble, and even Jimmer showed concern for this and said she should listen to me because Hanzi cares for her. She would go into another person’s discord named Ross Dawg RDA, and some of these youtubers I am not really down with because it comes across like right wing adjacent where they need to say inappropriate things to be edgy, even guys I get a long with, I try to show others on periscope why the devil wins when we use these bad words because I used to fall for that propaganda, because they have managed to make PC shit seem corporate so you think acting inappropriate with language, although not having evil intent, is some kind of edgy shit.

Now I get suspicious why Wendy is going to Jimmer’s competition and just starting trouble, even though they are very rude to her and hide it under the guise of “treating her like everyone else” and it felt like it was done on purpose because seeing them treat her that way would make me want to team back up with Jimmer and go at these assholes bothering her. I still suspected they were in her ear, and she donated 650 dollars in total throughout the week one time, and Jimmer claimed he did not see it because he claims she had him blocked and he could not see the donations, and I got upset by this because now it seemed like she was raising money to give to him for his comeback. I told her that if she truly needs money for rehab, people will not donate to her. Maybe the ones who were in on it did donate knowingly that Jimmer was taking it, but a lot of people said they did not feel comfortable doing that. I think that angered him the most, but she did donate to Jimmer’s competition saying that she was being forced to, and then Jimmernam comes out of nowhere with Kitty, who people were shocked she went back to Jimmer after he had doxxed her information last November or so. And he would do stream where he is making it seem like this Saiyanz guy took her money and telling the kid audience to report him etc. Also when Wendy was going to do some story time segment, she said she was going to write one about me, which meant to me, that they were going to make her say some crazy shit and even though it would normally not bother me, I was wondering if they were going to have her say some wild shit under the guise of “She is a slow adult we can’t control what she says” so I made a temporary discord account to see if anyone was feeding her shit, but I did see Ross Dawg in the discord spamming Jimmernam’s discord, and one message in particular he wrote “Send me more naked pictures Wendy” and I figured maybe he was joking around, but I later asked Wendy on her periscope, and it is still up, if she sends nudes to people, and if people ask her. She claimed Ross Dawg asked her for pictures of her boobs. I was livid, because Wendy has told me prior years that people have her on facebook have sent her dick pictures, and I always told her to give me the names, and she obliges but never tells me who they are. So I confronted Ross Dawg about this on twitter with the screen grab, and he seemed upset but just kind of mocked it and said that he has phone sex with her on his stream and she loves it, and listen she seems down for that type of humor so if she chooses to I can’t stop her, but it feels like she has been trained to think that is what she has to play a long with to be accepted, even though this Ross Dawg guy claims he never listened to Stern ever.

So I went off on this because Wendy seemed upset about it and she claimed they were bothering her and calling her incessantly from what she was making it seem like, but she would keep going to these people’s discords, so I wondered why and she claimed she blocks them but they hack her phone and unblock themselves, and I am like “This is fucking crazy, how can they do this” and then I figured out that this was probably a ploy by Jimmernam to get me upset, whether it was to start a feud with a new streamer such as him, or get me to team up with him. Wendy keeps going back, so I finally had enough and decided I had to unfriend her on facebook and unfollow her on periscope because I won’t be listened to and I seriously tried doing the right thing.

So Ross Dawg, butt hurt over the call out started spreading the rumors the trolls have started about me, beating up a gay couple, even though I never had a criminal record, and can’t even fucking fight, or making fake accounts in their youtube streams and naming it after me or making you think it is me, and saying I am going to get a gun or something even though I don’t have a gun, nor can I afford a gun, nor do I have any interest in having any kind of fucking weapon. He has dedicated streams to me about how I blamed him and he did that to Wendy as a joke, and he did not actually get a naked picture from her, and maybe he is telling the truth, but the fact that he is getting offended by that and how I think people like him are allowed to do the shit they do, because they are co-opted by the system, and considering Jimmer had enough power to expose a government agent, I don’t know what power these people truly fucking have.

This Ross Dawg guy has done dedications to shows to me and I tried not to answer and even if he is trolling he is fucking with a mentally ill person, and these people can use it as an excuse when it is convenient and they are going to keep doing this, and because I went on one of his competition’s streams, and by the way I time to time have went on that specific stream, even though sometimes it seems too edge lord for me, but Unbleachd’s intent is not evil, or at least I don’t think it is, but I had not talked to him and I did not know Ross Dawg was streaming anyways so I went on to talk about wrestling and this drama that occurred because he was not caught up on it, and that angered Jimmernam, who somehow was on the stream, and now he is so mad he got Wendy to start calling me names, saying I never helped her, donated money, and that I am a pussy. It hurt to hear someone I genuinely cared for and not fetishise having a contact from the Stern Show etc, and I can’t retort because she is obviously mentally disabled and I am going to cuss her out? It is just sad these guys have turned her on me, and it felt like it confirms that her being friends with me was the resort they needed because she was the only left who would soften me up and convince me Jimmer has changed, which he did not, and all those compliments and hyping me up went out the window. He showed his true colors, and what hurts most is people who were part of his show hang out with this Ross Dawg guy and they stand idly by, some of them were really cool and have been telling me not to worry, but others have just partook in it, and now are ready to do streams about me losing my mind, because people hacked my phone and I think it was them, or maybe others in my life, and because I am a fucking human being I lose my mind, I don’t have 20 people in a discord to laugh at my fucking shitty jokes, while I think that it is something special, and now they keep fucking with more and more, and I am trying to explain that I did not have ill will toward Ross Dawg because I was going off by what Wendy was telling me, and clearly she keeps going back there.

Now these people are going to keep harassing me and they know I am mentally ill and they have no qualms with pushing me to suicide, even though I will never do it. I leave when they decide to kill me, and I reached out to media outlets for this kind of harassment because these people need to be looked into, and with the arrogance they have and how they can harass me, it seems they do have power and are given permission. Stern does not like me, and I have been calling him out for these leaks and how much alleged harassment he has put on me, and he could be cosigning it. Maybe it is my friends or people close to me because they got what they needed from my fame, just like every social circle of the whack pack, since Stern makes systemic deals with these people, and I can prove it, but these people never have my back. They know I have nothing to do, I say nothing, they get away with fucking with my life and mentality, I say something, it is more me flipping out  and having manic meltdowns, where I am close to losing my fucking head, and this all seems as a ploy for me to call in and if this guy needed me to call in to talk I would have called in to talk to him but since he went this route and keeps pushing me more and more to the brink of insanity and no one cares. Maybe people are investigating without telling me and they are building a case, but it feels like nothing will be exposed or no one will care until I am dead or in a fucking loony bin and when the semi woke people with blue checkmarks can then pretend to care like they don’t make deals with the devil and give a limited narrative of social consciousness. That’s why you know cancel culture is bullshit, and organized because Howard Stern would be on the chopping block, but nope, he has able to rebrand himself as some liberal, even though he is still very much a neoliberal centrist who still wants Israel to obliterate the entire middle east, and no one has the balls to call him out.

There are also clips I have pinned on twitter where Howard in 97, in jest, says that these celebrities need to fight off people investigating them by hiring private investigators to follow them around and have no hesitation in ruining these people’s lives and it felt like that is why nothing super serious has ever been reported about him and even back in 2012 he admitted, and I am sure people will say it is a joke, but he did say that when people bother him on twitter and they get annoying, he has a team of people to find out who that person is and start to ruin their lives, but you won’t hear that in any marathons shows they play on Howard 101.

I know this blog will not go anywhere and no one will care because let’s be real these people saying no one cares about me are right, and even the ones who are on my side can’t do anything but these guys need to be stopped. They are pushing me to lose my fucking mine and this Jimmer guy seems nervous because he is on the verge of losing his channel because some guy named WTF guy has been working on exposing him and now Jimmer has gotten his groomed kids to go report his videos and harassing him on twitter and has spun it into him being the victim and no one cares because seemingly it is not a blimp on the radar, but these people like Ross Dawg was mocking me and saying he is going to dox me and my family etc, and they have a moderator named after me, and have fake accounts show up and then use it as an excuse to shit on me by saying that fake account is me. The way they have manipulated Wendy is disgusting and this will not stop. Again no one will fucking care and I am on my own, and maybe it is best for them to push me to the edge because even then you assholes can pretend to care after and profit off my fucking story. They know I have no back up, so they will continue to fucking harass the living shit out of me. This will never end.

By the way I am hoping Ross Dawg knows that Jimmer probably set this up or maybe he is on it, but since they were enemies and now he is welcoming Jimmer on maybe Ross Dawg is doing it for him to put his foot in his mouth and I don’t know if Wendy was lying about the nudes, and it was just a joke, but I will be fair to him a little and say he did defend Wendy from having her money stole from someone else, but he had a chance to talk to me on someone else’s stream and he just went in there to make fun of me and saying another live stream dedicated to me will come up. I felt I needed to write this so I wouldn’t lose my fucking mind but they will push me to it 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCteISibPyZCgVCM6gP2JNBA here is the channel harassing me 

here is the tweet calling him out https://twitter.com/Hanzi83/status/1172751869883637766?s=20

clip of him saying he is going to doxx me https://twitter.com/Hanzi83/status/11741640181116846

08?s=20

here is the channel exposing Jimmernam for what he is doing to people and compiling the shit he has for his kids audience https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcuJyY0dJLSQHC5XqNFmbqA

here is Jimmer convincing his audience that he is the good guy in all this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h6scwm_Rhw

here is the initial video from Iilluminaughtii exposing misery box https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezcNo4i9bSk&t=36s