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first book of 2025 lol
aight so i mentally wrote a post as i was reading a book (kindred finally reading? in the year of our lord 2025? more likely than u think) about how my beloved sunshine characters always die too soon and much too agonisingly but i found the sequel online and everything has been thrown out the window im going feral pls stand by
read the copy of we hunt the flame that has been sitting on my shelf for about 4 years now lol. not a fan of YA but i enjoyed more than i thought i would so here we are!
still reading book 2 but so far i think im enjoying it more than the first, in terms of pacing lore all of it really lol. since its fantasy inspired by ancient arabia i had a great time while reading the ancient tongue that was literally just arabic lmao. not all of it tho but its fun ngl
anyway deen is the most husband material to ever exist i love him he deserved so much better im so sorry my dude. for the friendzone and untimely death alike. if only u knew how much ur memory plagues ur beloved
as soon as i finished the first book at 4am this morning i looked up the sequel online and found it and im dying nasir is such a fuckin SIMP and im so here for it. hes so baby girl and the amount of self loathing nourishes me like the hearts do magic. hes just like me frfr
altair u bastard i love you and i hate u you also deserved so much better pls pls pls dont do what i fear u might be doing.
theres a happy ending im going to sob into my pillow
also lana!!!!!! im so happy shes (so far) so much more involved in the book :D only like 11 chapters in since the morning and im convulsing already
please please let them all be happy my heart cant take the devastation the 600+ pages most likely hold lmao please :')
just realised this isnt much of a coherent review but this all i got for now, might reblob eventually with analyses or sum late well see :3
EDIT: severe altair angst fics oh my poor sweet child of light :') BeesKnees bless you for writing this i am in so much pain rn
#we hunt the flame#we free the stars#im dying yall#zafira#nasir#deen#kifah#altair#i love them your honor#the speed at which ive grown attached to this merry band of beloved idiots is extremely concerning to me#was kinda worried it was going to fall into cliche ya tropey territory but then remembered ive never read ya so i wouldnt know#that said i think it was written pretty well and avoided stuff like quirky incompetent main character who falls in love with a shadow daddy#figure esp if theres a 'love triangle' and all that shit i genuinely loathe lol. this was none of that tho it was goooooooooooood#nasir my bean my bebe u need a hug. and the huntress heh#i was already aware of a few plot twists & turns bc id skimmed the book when i got it but one of them really slapped me across da face#to reiterate i havent read in years. least of all ya and its sisters so maybe other readers would disagree idk whatever
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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The real question is...why is this girl occupying my thoughts...
Why does tumblr have a 30 tag limit
#and NOT in a good way#.evature#not in a crush way either#she acts like we're best buddies#but we never hang out just the two of us#she always just asks: whos out today! and then ME FOR SOME REASON ALWAYS RESPONDS WITH: me!#like: me to me: DONT TELL HER THAT#😀#i hung out with her today w this other girlfriend and i felt so small#it wasnt intentional#but i felt like i couldnt b myself in a way where i was hesitating when i should speak abd i was like oh i havent spoken at all in the last#5 mins and maybe thats a sign that smth is up with me!#and my relationship to these ppl!#and its not the firzt time ive felt uneasy ab this girl#she acts like she knows me so well and it annoys me because she doesnt and im frustrated that shes frisnds w all my friends so i cant rlly#confide in them!!!!#🙂🙂🙂🙂#she has this idea that im still doing psych ajd its like; girl ive corrected you 200 times ab that#whatever#i am majorijg in whatever u think i am 🙄#and then on top of that#today i mentioned that i dont go near a shopping centre bc my ex works there#and she was like#oh yeah when i saw him he was nice ajd i told my mum ab what he did to you and she was like i knew it#WHICH IS CRAZY BC I NEVER CONFIDED IN HER AB ANYTHING???#at least i dont remember!! at all!!!!!#and i dont think i wouldve!#bc i would remember!#so a) what does SHE think happened. b) how did she find out or get this idea ab what happened 💀#its making me feel a bit uncomfortable bc that single sentence CONFIRMS to me at least that she 100% probablt talks ab me behind my back
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housemate is watching hxh atm and im legit mad about his killua takes
#like i KNOW hes near the start#and the extent of the abuse killua has gone thru is not fully apparent yet#but we just watched that first confrontation with illumi#and hes like 'why didnt killua just fight illumi? he could win'#WHAT ABOUT THAT INTERACTION MADE IT SEEM LIKE KILLUA WOULD WIN THAT FIGHT#'um i havent seem illumi DO anything yet so idk how strong he is'#HIS DEEPLY MALEVOLENT ENERGY DIDNT GIVE U A HINT???? THE GLOWING PURPLE AURA THAT WEVE SEEN ON HISOKA????????#KILLUA IS LITERALLY FROZEN IN FEAR OF HIM#THEY WENT THRU THE SAME ASSASSIN TRAINING#SO ILLUMI WOULD CLEARLY BE AT LEAST ON PAR WITH HIM#EXCEPT HES OLDER#AND KILLUA IS SO AFRAID OF HIM THAT HES JUST STANDING THERE TREMBLING#AS ILLUMI IS LIKE 'you have the soul of a killer and will never have friends bc you are not meant to have friends you are not ALLOWED'#'in fact i may as well go and murder your one 'friend' right now'#'i might even kill everyone in this room and then go kill gon'#and killua obviously believes illumi can and would do that!!!!#WEIRD ITS ALMOST LIKE THIS 12 YEAR OLD ASSASSIN HAS BEEN CONDITIONED IN SOME WAY#PERHAPS BY A DEEPLY VIOLENT AND CRUEL ABUSIVE FAMILY#MAYBE EVEN IF HE COULD DEFEAT ILLUMI IN A FIGHT HE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO BRING HIMSELF TO START ONE#DUE TO DEEPLY INGRAINED FEAR#zero media literacy holy shit#'killuas such a little shit' he is but ill kill u#secondlastlife
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i think its funny when people call law a fraud because he "doesn't have a medical degree" or "didn't take the hippocratic oath" or whatever when he is 1. canonically incredibly good at his job (and he has to be, to bring out his devil fruit's full ability) and 2. a "swordsman" despite NO ONE ever commenting on his sword-fighting abilities and NEVER actually... fighting anyone.... with a sword... without his devil fruit powers.....
#L.txt#one piece#lawposting#likw if youre calling him a fraud at least do it for the right reasons#'hes a bad doctor' false. weakens his characterization. not even funny#'he sucks at sword fighting' THIS ONE. we need to do something funny with this.#'we' i say. as if i cant write it myself#UNREALTED but like for world-building reasons... why would one piece have a hippocratic oath when ancient greece is not a thing?#like i could maybe see there being an equivalent of some sort MAYBE but also like that doesn't make him a bad doctor???#does the op universe even have like. formal schooling???#if u havent blocked my law tag yet you are gods strongest soldier
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“take a deep breath there is hope in the air.”.//.
#uploads#saw this walking home on sunday from a lil vintage market#love to see a thing right when u need it.. the city provides#n the snow was so so pretty too#had a nice little day yesterday i went for drinks with falcon casue we havent seen each other in like months or really talked#it was really nice n we went to this bar down the street that has a really nice lil atmosphere#we got to chat for a while n then they were having this story telling event where some people told folktales it was really cool n sweet#this one about a king who learned to weave so a woman would fall in love with him and it ends up saving him in the end from some pirates#very sweet very im love#very love to see a thing right when u need it..#sweet little time maybe im not gonna die but maybe i also am idk#very job still making me want to die but at least i can hear a nice story and have a good little conversation#<3
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deleted snippet from ch5 of the last night fic
And it’s just all the more reason that Jason should have come back, should have given him relief, but-
He hadn’t.
That was never the intention. It was never supposed to go like this. He was supposed to crash on Stephanie’s couch, for a while, and then he’d--
Dick looks at him, too. Stares long and hard. Jason thinks, maybe, he looks like he doesn’t quite believe Jay is real. Regret tastes bitter in his mouth, itches against the back of his throat. Its uncomfortable, and aches something awful, like a jammed finger.
“Morning,” Jason repeats, and hates how his voice drifts in and out on the vowels, like he almost whispered it. His palms start to itch, dully.
Crystal sighs, quietly. Jason’s lungs fill with more guilt -- that he’s put her and Steph in such an impossible situation. Because there were ten million other fucking choices he could have made, but he managed to make all the worst ones.
deleted bc i didnt like the way they sounded in this order -- i reworded & reordered them slightly so that they'd fit nicer in the chapter
#still havent finished ch5. the length of this fic might have to be drastically longer than I thought it would be#the idea was to wrap up in ch5 with the brekkie convo and that would be it. that's the fic. vaguely hopeful ending w/ a healing fic after#but Jason's nightmare took more words than I thought it would. and he just. keeps. ruminating. like boy we get it ur super guilty#<- I say like i'm not the one writing him this way (he has a mind of his own sometimes istg)#he's defo gonna be a lot more angsty than I was counting on meaning imma have to add more chapters. and since i was doing povs a certain wa#mostly just to scratch the itch in my brain tbh. i hate disorganized povs in the same fic for some reasin.#imma have to do a steph and a babs chapter before getting to dick. and tbh i feel like i can only end the fic with him or jay#so jay is gonna go over the pre-convo breakfast ruminations. and steph is gonna go over the convo#which tbh that has the potential for yummy guilt angst which would be so fun#but now i have to find something for babs to cover. either the drive back to her own house and talk with her dad#or she drives dick and jay to their house. which doesn't make sense cause dick drove himself over#but don't think she'd wanna part w/ them yet. sigh thinking thinking#feel kinda bad tho cause i have to put a pin on writing for a bit to lock in on school & volunteering & henna prac#its gonna be a wacky wacky time. but in the meantime have a random snippet cut from that maybe end-ish of ch5#if one of my 2 followers on this blog read all the way thru that. ur a real one and tell me what u think i should do w/ barbara's chapter#oh also side note if i do keep going dick's subsequent chapter is gonna be the drive home and/or talking 2 his parents#deleted snippet#sunlight au
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depression so bad it got my dad who doesnt believe in mental health telling me that i should go back to therapy
#yapping#new art coming today/tomorrow i promise 😭 ive just been sleeping really bad and busy with work and with doing my taxes#yes that is correct i pay my taxes for my freelancing im that serious of an adult#paycheck so fat i gotta report it cause it cant go under the radar 😩#im kidding but fr ive been going back n forth with the taxes people cause they have some error on their website that caused my stuff#to appear wrong and look like i havent payed but its all good now and should probably be fully done one of these days#but also im not kidding my freelancing paycheck is like my regular paycheck + another half of it 😭 n i rly dont wanna mess with owing taxes#i have drawn in my notebook though.. maybe ill make one of those doodles into digital art....#i have one of diavolo ordering a burger at a fast food place.... because hes a relatable character and i was craving a burger at that moment#we will see..... heh#the tags seem so unrelated to the post i just realized#anyway point is. my depression is bad bla bla bla bla im considering therapy again cause i think being medicated again would be good for me#they were at my place yesterday n my mom thinks i should go back on antidepressants#esp cause i have it better than most ppl probably#i am basically a home owner at 26. of an apartment in the city center of the capital. a large one. with a great view.#i have a really good paycheck and a good job#i have friends i have a bf... i have a good relationship with my parents....#technically i have nothing to complain about#but i just feel so bad its insane. all while i cant justify feeling bad#idfk#like i went from being lower middle class to just buying myself anything i want the second i think about wanting it#and yet all i got was more depressed#idfk !!!! the feeling of being trapped in ur own life never leaves u no matter how good things get i guess#anyway when i get back on antidepresseants and get better again its over for u hoes
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#literally crazy man behaviour#this is just me using tumblr as my diary i cannot vent to anybody about this bu OH BOY#okay i need to vent some more about this everybody strap in#he unblocked me??? out of the blue? whcih i only realised bc we have a shared whatsapp group where shit gets organized and suddenly he had#a profile picture again?#why would he do that unblock me and not text????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN#it means i should just block him and move on with my life like i KNOW this but the gremlin in my brain is like maybe we havent pressed every#drop of dopamine out of this situation yet have u ever thought about that???#ughhhhhhhhh i hate not being in control of my feelings how do you COPE#meta
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My brother in christ at this rate I’m going to have to go for a job like, now
#Good news is the car dealer we bought the lemon off gave us a new car that Brin got to pick#Bad news is we have to find 3 and a half grand to pay out of pocket because the warranty and stuff didnt transfer over#So we’re basically going to have to take everything we have out of all of our accounts and then find some way to come up with more money im#idk i feel like this is the final straw to me of being so fucking over financial problems#No regrets whatsoever about the car stuff because its worked out well in the end and its the correct decision its just hard when ur poor#I might go into uni and chat with the co-op/industry placement people and ask for some help#rural towns dislike losing all their young folk to the city but it is so impossible to survive out here as a fulltime student#also I havent been able to buy groceries properly for weeks ugh did not think i would be in this position at 27#maybe im just in a Mood because I had a bad fatigue day.. lets see what we can do with this money for now i guess#brin if u read all this no stressing please love you smooch smooch#chatterboxing
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everything would magically get better if i killed this bitch from my old school
#randomly got really angry about her even though i havent seen her since may#just. who the fuck did she think she was#and then she has the fucking audacity to whine and say maybe if u got to know me you would know im not a bitch :(..#LIKE YES YOU FUCKING ARE. I KNEW YOU. WE WERE FRIENDS. YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY A NASTY BITCH.#in what world is it normal to start talking about your new boyfriend while apologizing for outing me. like holy shit#ok im normal i just really hate this asshole#finn.txt
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this guy im trying to be friends with organised all the dice at dnd so i wouldnt have trouble telling them apart and then ripped into someone who was being rude to me at a party ... Waow
#im so delighted!! we havent talked in a while so i got scared he didnt like me but hehe#and when he organised the dice i kept saying i would try to remember which was which and he kept going u dont need to ill help u!!#i helped him mop up vomit later that night so i hope that kind of returned the favour ??? somewhat?????#and he asked me something about me and was jokingly like i usually dont care but ur cool#bro im so starved for friendship maybe this is pathetic
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m. call me an old grandpa but im getting reallyreally sick of the common dependence phones 😐
#maybe i want to talk to you without you mindlessly scrolling. maybe i would like you to focus on our conversation for one second especially#because i havent seen you much at all these past few months. and i sure dont love it when youre too focused on ur dumb videos to comprehend#what im saying to you..... like what is the point#i looove it (/sarc) when you pull your phone out & start scrolling every time i try to talk to you. its sooo great (/sarc) and really shows#that you care. 🙄 ok#idk. i always put my phone down when someone talks to me. im really not even on it when im in waiting rooms or anything anymore.#after trying to find the enjoyable simplicity of the mundane. i just dont want to be on my phone much anymore which is cool#but its frustrating because the people around me dont ever want to actually. spend time with me without their phone in their hands. like ok.#like ive barely talked to y'all much in months because ive been working sun up to sun down for so long and. now that i have time?#'we miss u so much😢' ok.......... get off ur phone then & talk to me. look me in the eyes when we have a conversation. (<- metaphorical.)#(<- autism friendly.)#anyway. so frustrating. im going to start biting
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feeling absolutely pathetic for no reason again this thursday afternoon 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#i shouldnt be hung up over this its been months it happened in april and it was out of your control#like. okay sure ur childhood friends since kindergarten that you hadnt gotten to meet up with in person suddenly cant make it to the hangout#we planned since a month or two in advance. yeah it was fine! cant be helped! one of them had a family trip i understand that much#but the other just. because she had hung out w her other friends the day before unplanned. knowing we still promised to meet up#and then ended up too tired to make it too and cancelled last min#glad she had fun and is having fun w her new friends!!! people she can meet w anytime every day surely is a lot better than a someone whos#tried to cling on for 13 years. its not like it was the one thing i was looking forward to all month its not like i cried that night#we havent seen each other in five years compared to them its an obvious choice whod be better company ofc!!!!#and i know she apologized and i know she really was sorry but i just cant help but think that maybe she couldnt care less abt me anymore#and like understandable. nobody would rly choose me in the end would they#graj get out get out get out thoughts u r literally just recovering from an awful fever just keep urself busy and stop staring at the group#chat filled w almost nothing but talks abt her and her new friends and bf#duck rants about something
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