#or like delaine's long list of substances not only uses but sells when need be

[arathejedi394]

story time!!

once upon a time me and some goofball friends were playing curse of strahd. y'all know that game, right? I'm playing a bard named Delaine inspired by Jaskier, who was a weed smoking transgender "man" whore with one (1) illegitimate child he gave birth to that he genuinely forgets he had constantly. and he couldn't read. he was a bard that couldn't read, yes. i spent the first half of the campaign making him lie about it. one time early in the game our dm sent a himbo NPC our way and Delaine literally ADOPTED him then forgot about him just like his child.

there was also chad. gigachad! he was 8 feet tall and came from an alternate universe where he was a pizza delivery driver. he came with a thermal pizza bag that just... spawned pizza.

then there was our responsible character, Lilith. and then we also sometimes had Babushka. she always had turnips in her pockets and every octogenarian or older in Barovia was her ex or wanted to be her ex. babushka's player also couldn't be at every session so we just explained her absence as her doing Old Woman Things.

delaine and chad ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE. what happens when you take a "man" whore and a gigachad and throw them into a locked room with a monk or something that turns out to be an archangel?

obviously, the bard and the gigachad will tag-team incel jokes until the archangel lashes out with holy fire and like straight up COOKS LILITH. THE ONLY RESPONSIBLE CHARACTER IN OUR PARTY. WHAT DO WE DO?

i shout "CALM EMOTIONS! chill the fuck out!" and then i rolled a nat 20.

we will get back to Lilith. she's dead. well she was dead to begin with she was a vampire now she's double dead. i scold this archangel like I was his mother and he went all demure okay there's this lake you can take your friend to to heal her also I do now expect you to end my life I am forever at your mercy.

BUT LILITH IS DEAD RIGHT. gigachad uses his 8-foot long self to sprint lilith to the lake. wee teeny bard running behind him with his lute flapping in the wind. i have a stroke of genius and I have my character announce to the world:

"TO ANY GOD THAT IS LISTENING IF YOU SAVE MY FRIEND I WILL BECOME YOUR WARLOCK"

so that's how I kinda broke Curse of Strahd by becoming a servant of Strahd. bc Strahd is the Only God in the game.

also the lake didn't even heal lilith properly!! it made her human!!