#or ill make all the profiles and then lose any motivation

[weepywhalewatcher]

So I downloaded TwiNote :)

[residents-of-the-darkforest]

Dark Forest Resident: Whitestar

Aliases / Nicknames: Prey-Thief

Gender: tom

Sexuality: homosexual

Family: Lilyfrost (mother), Rowansong (father), Finchwing (brother), Silverslip (adoptive daughter), Whistlemask (adoptive son)

Other Relations: Voletoe (mentor), Creekeye (apprentice)

Clan: Skyclan

Rank: leader

Characteristics: puts his loves ones above everyone else, easily bored, has floppy ears, deaf in one ear

Murder Motive: keep his loved ones alive

Number of Victims: 23

Number of Murders: 3

Murder Method: withholding food

Known Victims: Cinderskip, Squirrelfang, Drizzlehawk

Victim Profile: his Clanmates

Cause of Death: frostbite, hypothermia

Cautionary Tale: ??

Story:

He was a good leader. He was!

But his final Leaf-bare had been especially cruel. The season stretched longer than most, prey was harder to find than ever and what little they could find was given to the queens, kits, and elders. 

The problem was that Whitestar’s family was none of those.

Cats were already beginning to die. They were hungry and weak and vulnerable to illness.

Whitestar mourned for their losses deeply, and he feared greatly for more losses he would surely face. What worried him most was the probability of losing even one cat that he loves. He wouldn’t be able to bare it. 

He had to find a way to keep them alive. 

He had to make sure that they were the ones to get food.

It was truly difficult a task, especially since he had to hide the fact from his family themselves--they would surely deny any more food than their Clanmates were given. How loyal they were, how deserving of life.

He got them sick. It wasn’t enough to make them truly vulnerable, but food would be given to the sick, and it was.

Of course it mattered to him that three of his Clanmates died of starvation and weakened immune systems, it just mattered to him more that those who died were not those he really loved.

But there was another problem, which was finding food at all. He would send out more patrols, and when they came back with nothing, he would go out himself. He would search, and search, and he would keep searching even if he found one fresh-kill because one wasn’t enough.

The thing about withholding food is that he also held it from himself.

Was a blizzard blowing in?

Additional Information:

--The 23 victims are all of his Clanmates

--Yes I did make a Whitestar after my previous leader was a Blackstar.

--His ears are fully-shaped, just floppy, and these were the closest ears that matched.

--His loved ones include his kin and his mentor and apprentice.

--He took his kits in after their mother died (they didn’t have a known father).

[skelezomperman]

Random thoughts the second: On Hostility in the Fire Emblem Community, part 2

Yesterday, I published a post reflecting on an incident of harassment that took place in the Fire Emblem: Three Houses community on Tumblr. Today is the second half of that post, the part that is more relevant to most people. I will ramble more about why it’s important that everyone learn from things like that and how we can build a better community. (And perhaps it’s even more relevant today given an incident that took place on Twitter regarding Fire Emblem Heroes!) Please, read this post with an open mind. If I have changed even one person's outlook, I will consider it a success.

Let’s take a step back and zoom out to the broader ill that is impacting us: hostility. The vast majority of hostility is not high profile, extreme incidents like what happened to that fanartist a year ago. The vast majority of hostility are small things that are unfortunately normalized as everyday behavior. By this, I mean stuff like backhanded comments over a playstyle or mildly mean jokes about a favorite character. It’s not extreme, but it is what causes the most harm altogether. The low-impact behaviors do add up because they are far more frequent. They wear down other people and cause them to become less open to participating in the community. This is what leads to people getting bad impressions from interacting with our fanbase or with specific sectors of our fanbase. 

Perhaps the bigger issue with hostility is the impact on self. If you fall into this bad habit of being aggressive towards others, you will personally experience several bad effects. Firstly, you will be training yourself to assume bad faith in others – in other words, you turn into the metaphorical hammer that sees everything as a nail. You also isolate yourself from other people. Both of these things make you more likely to get comfortable with things that shouldn’t be happening in our community. Of course, being passive-aggressive one time is not a slippery slope that leads to committing grave harms against other people, but one must remember that all hostile behaviors form part of the same continuum. Most of all, you lose a sense of why you joined fandom in the first place. I highly doubt you joined the fandom to get into petty arguments with people. No, you joined the fandom because you felt an invitation in your heart to get out and talk about what you love, to create content about what you love. Getting into petty arguments, turning hostile against other people, being mean is only a distraction.

Everyone knows that this is a problem. I don’t have to point to extreme incidents like the one I reflected on yesterday to show that it’s a problem – you could probably ask any friend if they’ve experienced someone being mean, and they would say yes. It’s not exclusive to any subsectors either, not to debates about Three Houses nor to the elitists fighting the Awakening/Fates babies nor to playstyle debates as seen recently on Reddit. It’s a problem across the community. 

What is the answer to this? How can we stop hostility? The antidote is simple: it is love. Specifically, it is charity, the pure love which is the recognition of the humanity within oneself and others. Charity is the foundation of the bond that brings us all together in this community to talk about the video games and other media that we love. Nurturing the virtue of charity not only decreases the hostility that one gives towards others but also helps one resist hostility towards other people. Someone truly motivated by charity tries their best to be welcoming to all people. I mean it when I say all people: there are no exceptions to the category of people whom you should be charitable towards. It is quite radical to say this, but it’s the truth: the only way we will get better as a community is if we are willing to extend a charitable attitude towards everyone.

What about people who are saying dumb things? (I don’t mean things that one would disagree with, I mean truly bad ideas or opinions that a reasonable person would say is wrong.) Should we be hostile to them? No! Being hostile only makes them dig in deeper. If you want to be charitable, you can try to politely explain why what they are doing is wrong. We aren’t perfect and we’re not ready for that all the time, so if you don’t feel like explaining, just ignore and block. Being rude to the person will only make the situation worse.

How about people who are hostile themselves? Surely giving them a taste of their own medicine is warranted, right? Also no! You are only feeding into their perception that they are the victim. I understand that humans want to get revenge, but a tit for tat does not solve the problem. It only makes it worse. Hate and anger are not solved by more hate and more anger. Love is what washes away the flames of anger. One who is overtaken by the flames of love will have no room for anger within their heart. So if you meet someone who is being hostile, either ignore them or reach out and invite them to share in your love, share your compassion with them, let them know that you are willing to reach out to them and understand them. Who knows – a simple act of compassion could be enough to change someone’s life!

I understand that our nature means that we humans are not perfect. We are all susceptible to having off days where we are a bit mean. If that happens, do not be afraid to apologize for what you did. It doesn’t undo what happened, yes, but when you apologize, you make yourself vulnerable and invite others to share in your vulnerability. In fact, even if you did something really bad in your past, do not be afraid to apologize! Other people may not accept it, but your willingness to apologize is a necessary first step to changing and making yourself an agent of love rather than an agent of hate.

Many of you would say that it is idealistic to expect that a community can be free of hatred or anger or hostility. I agree – it is a fact that in a community of our size, there will always be some sour grapes. But that doesn’t mean that we have to accept it. Imagine how much better we would be if all the energy spent on hostility, on gossip, on petty arguments, on bigotry, and everything else negative was spent instead on building each other up. We can work to change this one step at a time, starting with ourselves. If we each change ourselves, we can change those around us. Little acts can make big differences!

In a separate post, I will publish a self-reflection, or examination of conscience if you will. It’s a way to take a step back and consider what you have or have not been doing with the community. I try to ask myself questions like this regularly because I think it is useful for evaluating what I have been doing and whether it has been good or bad. It won’t work for everyone, but I encourage you to take a look at it. 

I will conclude by returning to the metaphor of the invitation, the invitation to partake in this community. To this day, people still say YES to the invitation to partake in our community even as so much strife continues to take place. This is through the effort of people who are willing to be welcoming, who are willing to open up their heart and share their love with others. That invitation is still on the table for us. Every day, we must respond to the invitation to bond with others in our community with a resounding yes. Yes, I want to talk about the Fire Emblem series with other people! Yes, I want to form bonds with other people! Yes, I want to make as many other people feel welcome! Yes, I want to give love and charity to other people just as others have given it to me. Let us help ourselves and others to accept that invitation, every day, from now on. It will not undo what happened in the past, nor will it make everything perfect in the future, but if we try, we will succeed.

[scotianostra]

On August 18th 1746 Arthur Elphinstone, Lord Balmerino and William Boyd, 4th Earl of Kilmarnock the Jacobite nobles, were executed.

The two were found guilty of treason and sentenced to death; this was commuted to beheading, rather than the usual sentence of Hung,drawn and quartered, which had already been carried out on some Jacobites, most notably the English Jacobite Francis Towneley on 30th July that year, with eight of his comrades from the Manchester Regiment.

Before I start on this post proper I have to say we should remember that whilst the high profile executions may make the “headlines” in my posts, we should remember the ordinary soldiers that also died, both during the uprising and afterwards. Also the provisions that followed stripping the country of their way of life.

Magnus Magnusson recounts in Scotland The Story of Nation: “Of the total of 3471 Jacobite prisoners, 120 were executed: most by hanging, drawing and quartering, four by beheading because they were peers of the realm -- the privilege of rank. Of the remainder, more than six hundred died in prison; 936 were transported to the West Indies to be sold as slaves [which, at that time, meant that they would almost certainly be dead of yellow fever or the like within two years], 121 were banished ‘outside our Dominions’; and 1287 were released or exchanged” 

Of those released my guess is that a large number of these would have been co-opted into the British army.  Highlanders were among the world’s best natural soldiers and if given discipline, training and leadership would make a formidable force. Which indeed was proved true. 

Numerous clan chiefs were attainted, having their titles and lands stripped of them. More importantly the Heritable Jurisdictions Act of 1746 removed all judicial powers from the chiefs, smashing the very structure of Highland society as sheriffdoms reverted to the Crown.  The Act of Proscription of 1746 banned anyone north of the Highland line from the carrying of arms and the Dress Act section banned anyone in Scotland from wearing Highland dress, especially the kilt, on pain of six months in jail – transportation was the punishment for a second offence. Also banned by extensions of the Act were the bagpipes and the speaking of Gaelic in public. In a few short years, that Act had great effect, and the repression of the Gael was almost total. Many Highlanders opted to emigrate to America and Canada in a bid to preserve their way of life that was now under assault on all sides – lowland Scottish people, it has to be said, largely backed the brutal repression of their fellow Scots.

On to the day of the executions, much of this is first hand accounts from the history books.

Everyone who was anyone wanted to be at the execution, among the spectators was the English army officer and naturalist George Montagu, it is his description that I have pinched for an eye witness account of the gruesome events that day in 1746. Montagu was allowed close access to the prisoners from before their trial until they met their end.

“Just before they came out of the Tower, Lord Balmerino drank a bumper to King James’s health. As the clock struck ten they came forth on foot, Lord Kilmarnock all in black, his hair unpowdered in a bag, supported by Forster, the great Presbyterian, and by Mr. Home, a young clergyman, his friend. Lord Balmerino followed, alone, in a blue coat turned up with red, his rebellious regimentals, a flannel waistcoat, and his shroud beneath; their hearses following.

They were conducted to a house near the scaffold; the room forwards had benches for spectators; in the second Lord Kilmarnock was put, and in the third backwards Lord Balmerino; all three chambers hung with black. Here they parted! Balmerino embraced the other, and said,

“My lord, I wish I could suffer for both!” He had scarce left him, before he desired again to see him, and then asked him, “My Lord Kilmarnock, do you know any thing of the resolution taken in our army, the day before the battle of Culloden, to put the English prisoners to death?”

He replied, “My lord, I was not present; but since I came hither, I have had all the reason in the world to believe that there was such order taken; and I hear the Duke has the pocketbook with the order.”

Balmerino answered, “It was a lie raised to excuse their barbarity to us.” –Take notice, that the Duke’s charging this on Lord Kilmarnock (certainly on misinformation) decided this unhappy man’s fate! The most now pretended is, that it would have come to Lord Kilmarnock’s turn to have given the word for the slaughter, as lieutenant-general, with the patent for which he was immediately drawn into the rebellion, after having been staggered by his wife, her mother, his own poverty, and the defeat of Cope.

I’ll interject here this conversation pertained to the lie that the Jacobite commanders issued an order that “no quarter” was to be give ‘no quarter’ meant that no prisoners would be taken. Any men on the battlefield would have no mercy shown to them and surrender would not be accepted.”

On the eve of the Battle of Culloden the Duke of Cumberland was determined to end the Jacobite Rising and prevent the Jacobites from ever being capable of challenging the throne again. After losing to the Jacobites at every turn, up to this point, he would not let them win again. To motivate his men he informed them that Lord George Murray had ordered ‘no quarter’ to be given to the Government men on the field. This meant the men would be shown no mercy by the Jacobites . However, this claim was not true. No such order had been given. From copies of Lord Murray’s orders there was no mention of ‘no quarter’ anywhere. But, in Cumberland’s papers there was a copy in which the words ‘and to give no quarters to the electors troops on any account whatsoever’ had been inserted. Whilst Cumberland may not have been responsible for doctoring the order he certainly did not shy away from the words written and retaliated in kind.

After the battle Cumberland ordered his men to search out any surviving rebels who were to be treated as traitors, outside the conventions of international combat. Those with the French Royal Ecossais or the Irish Piquet’s would be regarded as prisoners of war but everyone else was to be considered traitors. Whilst some men in the government army refused to kill, and tried to turn a blind eye, there were some who committed terrible acts. As well as wounded soldiers, civilians, women and children were all killed in the horrible aftermath of Culloden.

Back to Montagu’s account…..

“He (Kilmarnock) remained an hour and a half in the house, and shed tears. At last he came to the scaffold, certainly much terrified, but with a resolution that prevented his behaving in the least meanly or unlike a gentleman. He took no notice of the crowd, only to desire that the baize might be lifted up from the rails, that the mob might see the spectacle.

He stood and prayed some time with Forster, who wept over him, exhorted and encouraged him. He delivered a long speech to the Sheriff, and with a noble manliness stuck to the recantation he had made at his trial; declaring he wished that all who embarked in the same cause might meet the same fate.

He then took off his bag, coat and waistcoat with great composure, and after some trouble put on a napkin-cap, and then several times tried the block; the executioner, who was in white with a white apron, out of tenderness concealing the axe behind himself. At last the Earl knelt down, with a visible unwillingness to depart, and after five minutes dropped his handkerchief, the signal, and his head was cut off at once, only hanging by a bit of skin, and was received in a scarlet cloth by four of the undertaker’s men kneeling, who wrapped it up and put it into the coffin with the body; orders having been given not to expose the heads, as used to be the custom.

The scaffold was immediately new-strewed with saw-dust, the block new-covered, the executioner new-dressed, and a new axe brought. Then came old Balmerino, treading with the air of a general. As soon as he mounted the scaffold, he read the inscription on his coffin, as he did again afterwards: he then surveyed the spectators, who were in amazing numbers, even upon masts of ships in the river; and pulling out his spectacles, read a treasonable speech, which he delivered to the Sheriff, and said, the young Pretender was so sweet a Prince that flesh and blood could not resist following him; and lying down to try the block, he said, “If I had a thousand lives, I would lay them all down here in the same cause.”

He said, if he had not taken the sacrament the day before, he would have knocked down Williamson, the lieutenant of the Tower, for his ill usage of him. He took the axe and felt it, and asked the headsman how many blows he had given Lord Kilmarnock; and gave him three guineas. Two clergymen, who attended him, coming up, he said, “No, gentlemen, I believe you have already done me all the service you can.” Then he went to the corner of the scaffold, and called very loud for the warder, to give him his periwig, which he took off, and put on a nightcap of Scotch plaid, and then pulled off his coat and waistcoat and lay down; but being told he was on the wrong side, vaulted round, and immediately gave the sign by tossing up his arm, as if he were giving the signal for battle. He received three blows, but the first certainly took away all sensation. He was not a quarter of an hour on the scaffold; Lord Kilmarnock above half a one. Balmerino certainly died with the intrepidity of a hero, but with the insensibility of one too.”

Pics show the Lords, the second is a satirical drawing of  Lord Balmerino, next is a depiction of the crowd and scaffold on the day. Finally is a plaque at Trinity Square Gardens, Tower Hamlets, London where the executions took place. 

[tamakiamajikistentacles]

Disappearance 2: The Sighting {Katsuki Bakugo}

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! Thank you all so much for your support with this story so far, I hope you continue to enjoy it!

Disappearance Masterlist

He dreamt of Chiasa often.

On bad nights his mind created terrible scenarios about who she was with and where she was and what was happening to her. Other better nights let him fantasize about finding her and bringing her back to his agency with a smug grin as he reunited with the love of his life.

Most nights, though, his dreams were memories. Soft around the edges and sometimes fuzzy in detail, but as real as he could remember.

That night he had a dream about finding their first apartment for just themselves. It was going to be a far cry from sharing a townhome with Kaminari and Jiro, mostly because it wasn’t going to be as cluttered and full of ridiculous pranks but also because it would finally be theirs.

He could vividly remember coming home from one of the early meetings with the Hero Public Safety Commission about starting his own agency and seeing her in the sitting room practically vibrating with excitement. She’d pulled him down beside her and all but shoved her tablet into his face to look at what she’d found, declaring that their search was over.

And it had been. The building had twenty-four security and desk staff, keycard resident entry, and was in a safer neighborhood with a low crime rate. He could see it was a short walk to the nearest train station and if he got the approval for his agency and secured the building he wanted, it wouldn’t be a long commute at all. Two bedrooms was well within their budget and would allow her to have a dedicated office space for her work from home position instead of her current setup at the foot of their bed.

He didn’t realize he’d been grinning until she poked his cheek and asked an impatient, “Well?”

“Let’s apply.”

She let out a happy squeal as she threw her arms around his shoulders, kissing his face repeatedly as he tried to keep a hold on her tablet. Her grip only seemed to grow tighter the more he weakly fought her embrace.

“Katsuki, this is going to be amazing!” she laughed, kissing his temple one final time as she pulled back slightly to cuddle against him. This time he didn’t fight the embrace, instead wrapping an arm around her to keep her close.

He’d scoffed. “’Course it’ll be amazing. It’s you and me.”

“You and me,” she agreed with a smile.

He could hear her saying those words as clear as day in his memories. It had started as a joke about the first time they’d gone out alone without friends; he’d asked her if she wanted to go to a new mochi shop and she immediately went to text the rest of their friends before he stopped her, grunting, “You and me.”

After some time it just became theirs. Three words with just as much weight as I love you. It was a simple way to say more important things—“I’m here for you” and “We’re in this together” and “The two of us cannot be broken.”

It was a part of how their bond became as strong as it did, and he missed hearing it in person.

Cool, early September air was left behind as the door to his agency closed behind him. He wasn’t thrilled with the weather beginning to take a turn towards lower temperatures, knowing his quirk took longer to build up its power. As much as he hated being called a “slow starter” in the winter it wasn’t entirely untrue.

Hikari greeted him with a curt good morning as he passed her desk and slid a few papers his way without looking up. He grabbed them and in their place set down a travel mug of peppermint tea and a small blue bento, his own low mornin’ barely audible.

Making his way to his office he looked over the patrol routes for the day and the notations about the current goings-on of the areas. It was fairly run-of-the-mill with little suspected villain activity, a perfect time to allow some of the newer sidekicks and interns to tag along with his people for the day.

Surprisingly this was one of the things he enjoyed about running his own agency. Planning and strategizing were some of his strong suits despite how much he did enjoy blasting headfirst into battle when he could. But as the man in charge he liked being control of where his people were posted a lot too.

He had already decided who would be taking which patrol by the time everyone was gathered in the large conference room in their hero costumes, some more bleary-eyed than others. Mugs of coffee and tea billowed steam above the table and Kirishima’s branded shaker bottle stood taller than all of them.

Kaminari yawned lazily and Sero elbowed him in the ribs at the stern glare of their boss.

“Three sectors, little activity save for the corner tea shop on route 2B,” he started as everyone turned their eyes towards him. “Cellophane and Pinky, you two are taking the sidekicks to sector 1. Route A to Cellophane, B to Pinky. Choose your sidekicks and report it before you leave.”

The two heroes fist bumped and shot grins and thumbs up towards the sidekicks across the table from them. They were the best to get collaboration on the brain when it came to the newer recruits.

“Sector 2 goes to Red Riot and Chargebolt. Red, you’re on route A with the two interns and Chargebolt you’re taking route B so make sure that shitty shop isn’t getting worse.”

He knew that Kirishima was the perfect option for guiding the wide-eyed interns through some of their first tastes of the hero life. Plus, he was the best defense if trouble arose and backup would take time.

“I’m taking sector 3 myself. Questions?” When no one responded, he concluded, “Alright, get out there.”

Kaminari shot a smile to everyone he came across on his patrol. Chargebolt was a well-liked figure and regarded very highly as a personable hero when spotted in public. He was proud to have cultivated that good will with the people and was oftentimes the one who handled the media for the Dynamight agency alongside Kirishima, Red Riot’s popularity one of the only heroes higher than himself.

Quieter times to stop and chat with his fans were always his favorite but days like this that required more vigilance he did what he could with smiles and waves to those he saw. Even if there was only suspected villain activity at the tiny tea shop across from the mall he had to keep a close eye on it.

He tried to spend as much time as he could with the shop in view while still patrolling the rest of the route. Nothing of note caught his attention all morning and well into the afternoon.

Then the afterschool crowd and post workday crowds filled the area. He began to see a few suspicious characters that he reported back to the agency when he had a chance, but none of them gave any other indication of wrongdoing. He preferred to be thorough, though, just like Bakugo liked.

Half a dozen notes later, as the sun was low in the sky, he started to plan his evening once he got home. Jiro had the day off which meant she would spend most of it in the studio and bring home their favorite takeout. She was always in a great mood after a day in the studio too, and he loved seeing her so happy.

The tinkling bell of the tea shop’s door opening brought him from his thoughts and his gaze fell on a scraggly-haired brunette stepping into the evening air. From where he was down the street, he could see her pull the hand of a small boy to come stand by her on the sidewalk. Dark, matted hair sat atop his head and he scratched at the arm the woman held.

The closer he got the more he noticed about them—the woman’s ill-fitting dress and oversized sweater in much warmer contrast to the boy’s too short jeans and short sleeved tshirt. The boy shook from the cold and he quickened his pace, everything in him ready to shrug off his jacket and wrap the child in it while giving a few choice words to the mother.

As he approached he saw the woman’s eyes darting furiously as she hurriedly crossed towards one of the mall’s department store entrances, the boy shuffling along beside her as he went from scratching his arm to scratching his neck. Her grip on his arm looked tighter than it should be, and she walked quickly with no regard for if he could keep up with her longer strides.

Kaminari took in as many details as possibly as he began crossing too before stopping dead in his tracks in the crosswalk when the woman turned and said something to the boy. Her profile fit all of his observations in place and he tried to make himself move forward to confirm what he thought he was seeing.

By the time his body started to cooperate the duo had disappeared into the crowded department store and he was left at the door with only startled suspicions and half-formed what if scenarios in his mind. He had to tell someone, someone other than Bakugo who would surely fly off the handle on him for losing sight of the woman.

As he went to radio Kirishima, his comm came on with an incoming message from the redhead instead—“Charge, rendezvous in twenty at our starting point to head back to the agency?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed breathlessly. “Yeah, I’ll see you there.”

Kirishima nudged him in the side, concerned for his usually loud blonde friend who had barely said a word on their journey back to the agency. “Are you okay, man? You’re never this quiet.”

Kaminari chewed the inside of his cheek as he pulled on his street clothes. With a sigh he ruffled his hair with his hand before rubbing his face.

“I saw something weird on my route at the tea shop.”

“Oh damn, what happened? Did you let Bakugo know yet? You know he needs those villain updates as soon as possible.”

He waved his hands to stop the questions. “No, I didn’t tell him yet but it wasn’t… I don’t know if it was villains.”

The redhead’s eyebrows knitted together. “Then what was so weird?”

“Right before you radioed me near the end of patrol I was finishing notes on some shady people around the shop when this lady and kid stepped out. They both looked, I don’t know, greasy? And she was dressed warm while the little boy she was with was shivering in just a tshirt.”

“That’s not exactly our kind of suspicious, dude, but we can—"

“But the fact that she looked like Chiasa is suspicious!”

Kirishima froze, whispering, “What?”

He nodded. “She looked like Chiasa with longer hair.”

“With… with a kid?”

“Yeah, little dark-haired kid that kept scratching at his arms and neck. I felt so bad for the little guy, he looked so cold—”

“Kaminari, focus!” Kirishima said harshly, cutting off his rambling. “We need to tell Bakugo. Even if it’s not her, he needs this lead. He has to see it through. On the off chance it is actually her… I don’t even know how he could react.”

“Plus she has a lot of explaining to do about where she’s been,” Kaminari sighed. “It’s been so long.”

Kirishima nodded sadly. “It has, but we need to let Bakugo lead on this. Whether or not it was really her and will get him closer to finding her, I don’t know. But he needs to do this. It’s the only way for him to move forward.”

Closing their lockers, they gathered their bags and made their way to their small shared office. The day being fairly quiet aside from the two brunettes being sighted allowed them to finish their patrol reports quickly and send them to Bakugo for his review.

They knew he waited until all reports were received to begin looking them over and they had never been more grateful for Mina’s inability to focus, knowing for a fact that she was always the last person to submit her reports. Passing her still in costume talking animatedly to the sidekicks about their day let them know that this time wasn’t going to be any different. It allowed them to speak with Bakugo before he had to read the information and hopefully let them do damage control too.

Hikari was just leaving his office as they came to the doorway, a tired smile on her lips as she shuffled the papers in her hands.

Kaminari knocked on the doorframe as she passed them to head back to her desk and without looking up was called in by their friend and boss.

“What?” he grunted, continuing to loosen his gauntlets to set them aside. Unlike the rest of them he preferred to write his reports before changing completely.

Kaminari cleared his throat awkwardly, feeling Kirishima’s hand on his shoulder for support. As long as he’d known Bakugo and been on the receiving end of his temper and explosions, this had to be one of the most nerve-wracking conversations he was going to start.

“I’ve got some news from my patrol today.”

Red eyes snapped up to meet his. “Villains at the tea shop? What happened? Was it in your report? You never called for backup and I know we didn’t have anyone detained in any of our sectors.”

He spoke quickly, his shoulders tensing with each word as he prepared himself to don his gauntlets once again to find whoever was stirring up trouble in his agency’s territory.

“No, no, it was just an observation but I wanted to tell you about it in person—”

“Then spit it out!”

“I think… I think it’s possible that I saw Chiasa come out of the tea shop with a little dark-haired boy. I’m not one-hundred percent sure if it was her but it sure as hell looked like her.”

Bakugo stood rigid behind his desk. Over four years of not a single clue as to where she was or if she was safe and now she reappeared right in his agency’s backyard. If it was her.

He would pull all the surveillance he could find in the area based on Kaminari’s report and go through it with a fine-toothed comb. He would know if it were her. There was no one he knew better.

If he decided it was her then their patrol routes were about to get a shakeup and he was about to get answers years in the making. But that was for him to know, at least for now.

“I’ll review your report. Send Hikari back on your way out and I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said evenly.

The two other heroes exchanged surprised looks, expecting a much bigger reaction than a few long moments of silence. They watched him sit down and start his computer, his body language tense but not to the level they had anticipated.

“You don’t want to—”

“I’ll see you both tomorrow,” he repeated, eyes flicking up to see their stunned faces. He watched them blankly until they seemed to take the hint ad turned to leave.

He sat alone typing his report after making his request to Hikari to go through the proper channels for the surveillance footage he wanted and warning her that he would likely need more after reviewing Kaminari’s report. She didn’t seem to mind, letting him know that she would tell him as soon as the requested film came in.

So until then he sat in his office allowing himself to grasp onto this small straw of hope, holding tight to the first real evidence he’d had in years that he might be able to use to bring her home.

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated!

Disappearance Masterlist

[verumking]

⚔️ *:･ﾟ✧┆YOZORA’S GEN.SHIN VERSE PROFILE

Hello: The name’s Yozora. You need not know where I come from, nor my purpose for being here. Stay out of my business, and I’ll stay out of yours. Chat - Impatience: Are you done? Chat - Mission: Let’s move. Chat - Reality: None of this... makes sense to me.

When It Rains: Hm... it’s been a while... When Thunder Strikes: It’s foolish to stand around. Keep moving. When the Sun is Out: Too bright... When it Snows: The cold doesn’t concern me. But falling ill will delay us further.

Good Morning: Finally awake? We’re wasting time. Good Afternoon: A break? ... Do as you wish. I’ll wait here. Good Evening: Nightfall... there’s still a lot to be done. Good Night: Take your leave. We’ll resume tomorrow. 

About Yozora - Heterochromia: My eyes? They’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. About Us - Independence: You know little about my motives. You’d do better to not put your trust in me. About Us - Similarity: Neither of us are from this world... Interesting.

About the Vision - Control: These ‘Visions’... yet another tool used to puppeteer humanity. About the Vision - Warning: Gods never gift out of charity. Do not mistake these ‘Visions’ as such. Something to Share: There’s a ‘karma’ that resides in every human. The sum of one’s fate and consequences over eons of reincarnation. Your fulfilment in this lifetime determines your worth in the next. Interesting Things: These ‘leyline blossoms’... are a physical manifestation of fate... Hm.

More About Yozora - I: Spare the ceremony. I’m here for a mission, that’s all. More About Yozora - II: It’s my job to seek truth and to maintain karmic balance. ... What does that mean? That’s none of your concern. More About Yozora - III: Where I’m from, the night is perpetual. I’m... still adjusting. More About Yozora - IV: ... I’m not completely human. Or even human at all. I’m something closer to a machine... feigning the autonomy of a mortal man. More About Yozora - V: I don’t fear death, and neither should you. Birth and destruction are the sole certainties of all universes. All you can do is face them head on.

Yozora’s Hobbies: There’s too much noise at ground level. There’s peace to be gained from high enough places. Rooftops... or mountains less travelled. Yozora’s Troubles: The truth always conquers, regardless of how many lies it is buried beneath.  Favorite Food: Protein is more abundant here than my home realm. Any serving of meat provides enough sustenance. Least Favorite Food: Desserts of any world make my stomach churn. Birthday: It’s your birthday... Time is ever fleeting. Spend the rest of your days wisely.

Feelings about Ascension - Intro: Why place your strength in me? Feelings about Ascension - Building Up: I’m growing more accustomed to the powers of this world. The strength my body previously rejected... is this your doing? Feelings about Ascension - Climax: I have never seen the value of depending on others... but you are beginning to prove otherwise. Feelings about Ascension - Conclusion: To give is to receive: as is the nature of all worlds. You’ve chosen to lend me your strength... If it was truly fate that brought us together, then my path is clear.

Added to Party: Let’s do this. Added to Party: Shall we? Added to Party: I don’t lose. Elemental Skill: Got this. Elemental Skill: Now! Elemental Skill: Break! Elemental Burst: Time to end this. Elemental Burst: Your power is mine. Damage: What a pain... Damage: I don’t think so. Knocked out: I messed up... Knocked out: It’s over... Knocked out: My time... has come...

[islamicrays]

Salam, the guy I like is engaged to someone else and I am heartbroken. When Will it be my turn? I am so ugly and fat

Walaikum Assalaam

Marriage is something that will happen when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wills. It doesn't matter how you look if Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has written something for you then you will get it. I have seen many beautiful sisters but they are facing problem in getting married. Marriage will happen when Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wills. It's just matter of time. Pray to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that He grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.

If you are fat but healthy then that's good. Love yourself. But if you are not healthy then better to lose weight because those who have higher BMI; they are at greater risk of having diseases. If you make the intention to lose your weight so you can worship Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in a more better way then you will get the reward as well in shaa Allah.

The best remedy is to keep yourself busy and to be in His rememberace. When you get thought of him seek refuge in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Fix your prayers and make your relationship stronger with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Think of ways how you can improve your relation with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Help your mother in the house. Be good to your family members. Do activities in your free time. Do dhikr all the time. It will help you in shaa Allah

First we need to attach ourselves to Allah then we can easily detach from others. We need to balance the love of Creator and the Creation. Keep the love of the creation in your hand and the love of Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala in your heart that’s difficult to do but with time you will learn. For this we need to make dua and love for the sake of Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala

“Call on your Lord when your heart is brittle, that is a time when it’s in pieces and the Light of Allah can fill the gaps. That is why Allāh is with the broken hearted.”

-Shaykh Hamza Yusuf

“The fastest way to heal a broken heart is to find someone better to love, and love more. Know that sometimes heartbreak happens just to push you to Allah.”

-Yasmin Mogahed

Fix your prayers and ask Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala for the help. Always remember that Allah Subhanahu wa ta’ala plans are better than our wishes. Make lots of dua and while asking Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala always say “if it’s good for me” because we don’t know what’s good for us only Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala knows.

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.” (Quran 2:216)

Advice from Hadia Alia on moving from a ex boyfriend

“Moving on from an ex-boyfriend can sometimes be very complex. Every situation is uniqe and will require different actions. Here are a few tips to get over him:

Cry. It is ok to cry if you want as it feels better when you let all the emotions out instead of keeping them bottled up inside you forever.Talk to someone you trust. Sometimes you just need someone to listen rather than offer advice. Even you cannot understand why it happened, talking about it can help you accept that the relationship is over.Get the help you need. A breakup can have serious negative effects on your mental and physical well-being, especially if you find that you are still dwelling on it months later. Breakups have been associated with weakened immune systems and an increased risk of illness. People who have not gotten over a breakup within 16 weeks can even experience physical changes in their brains that reduce their motivation, concentration, and emotions. A therapist can help by listening to you, encouraging you to confront your feelings, and teaching you new ways to do with your pain.Remind yourself to let go. There are variety of behavioral techniques you can try to stop thinking about your ex. All of these techniques rely on your ability to recognize when a thought about your ex enters your mind and to take a specific action to stop that thought from coming back. Remember that these techniques are to be used for obsessive thoughts only! If you have not yet dealt with your feelings and taken the time to grieve, you should not try to suppress your thoughts.

– You can try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it each time you think about your ex.

– You can write down the thoughts you are having about your ex on a piece of paper and then throw it away.

– You can try a visualization exercise, which requires you to visualize a specific scene whenever a thought of your ex occurs to you. For example, you could think of a stop sign in order to remind yourself that you need to stop what you are doing. If you do this consistently, the association should become automatic.

Focus on taking care of yourself. In order to boost your mood, it’s important to practice healthy habits. Make sure you exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep. Committing yourself to a healthy lifestyle will not only make you feel good, but it may just offer you the escape you need from thoughts about your ex

– Start praying five times. It will help you to regain your positivity and let go of the stress associated with your breakup.

Remember, you are strong and can get over him if you really want to.”

Always remember this:

“No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by the decree of Allah. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.”

-Umar ibn al Khattab (Radi Allahu Ta’ala Anhu)

On healing broken hearts:

If you are trying to get over a person you can’t be with, treat it like an addiction:

1. Cut yourself off from the drug completely: Cut off all communication and reminders–even if that means blocking numbers, emails, a Facebook profile, and stop checking their Facebook! This is your detox.

2. Replace it with something better: Increase in your thikr (remembrance of Allah) and get closer to Allah. If you aren’t praying your daily prayers, fix that. Pray all and pray on time. Pray qiyam in the last third of the night (just before fajr). Make duaa, tawbah (repentance), cry, plead to Allah. This is your treatment.

(Yasmin Mogahed)

Unlawlful love before marriage…

Ibn al Qayyim al Jawziyyah (rahimahullah) mentions in regards to unlawful love before marriage (i.e. haram sexual relations, or love for someone who you are unable to marry).

“And the cure for this deadly illness (i.e. unlawful love before marriage) is for the person that is afflicted to realise that this love is only due to his/her own delusions and ignorance.

So upon such a person is to first and foremost strengthen their Tawheed and reliance upon Allah, and secondly to increase in worship and busy themselves with it, so much so that they do not have any spare time letting their minds wander and think about their beloved.

And they should call upon Allah to protect them and save them from this evil, just as Prophet Yusuf called upon Allah and he was saved. And they should do as he did, be as he was, in terms of ikhlaas (sincerity) and remembering Allah in abundance.

This is because if the heart is filled with ikhlaas for the sake of Allah, there will be no space left for any unlawful love to be present, rather this only happens to a heart that is empty and has no ikhlaas whatsoever.

And let such people remind themselves that whatever Allah has decreed for them is only in their own best interests, and when Allah commands something it is never to cause harm or misery to His slaves.

And let them also remind themselves that their unlawful love does not benefit them, neither in this world or the hereafter! As for this world then they will be so preoccupied with their love that it will cripple them and will cause them to live in a fantasy world. And as for the hereafter then it will cause them to be preoccupied with the love of the creation instead of love for the Creator!

These people need to be reminded, that the one who is submerged in something will never see it’s ill effects, neither will the person who has never experienced such things. The only people who will be able to relate to them are those who have experienced the same thing but have been saved. Such people can look back and realise how evil it is.”

Recite Astaghfirullah as much you can.

Following are some dua for marriage:

1.“Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.“ (Quran 25:74)

2.”Rabbana aatina fi’d dunya hasana wa fi’l aakhirati hasana wa qina `adhab an-nar.” [O Lord! Grant us good in this life, and good in the next, and save us from the torment of the Fire] (Qur’an, 2: 200). Recite this dua’ with the intention of marriage as it is included in the phrase “fi’d dunya hasana” (good in this life).

3.My Lord, do not leave me alone and You are the best of inheritors. (Surah al-Anbiya` 21:89)

I hope it will be helpful. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide us all to the straight path. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.

Allahumma Ameen

[littleeyesofpallas]

The Visored had this whole tortured souls, trapped between two worlds kind of thing going for them at the start that Kubo just kinda left behind and never really got back to... (you can see how this series of posts went from clearing up mistranslations to just full on spotlighting lost plot threads...)  There were parts that he sort of half-salvaged late in the arc (and I’m actually still convinced that he took the overall plot for them that he lost in the Arrancar Arc and used that as the backbone of the Fullbringer arc) but let’s look at some of the foundations of the Visored that he set up at the start of the arc...

禁術を使って虚(ホロウ)の能力を手にしようとした元死神の無法集団 所在も思想も一切不明 厄介だぜ

A lawless group of former-Shinigami who tried to get the powers of Hollows using forbidden arts. Whereabouts and ideologies both entirely unclear. It's troublesome

This is the first real description of the Visored we get, other than the obvious visual explanation that they’ve got zanpakutou and hollow masks like Ichigo.  It sets up their basic profile as a mysterious group, known broadly to Urahara and Isshin but with no specific details.  Other bits of that scene also establish that Urahara and Isshin had expected them to show up and approach Ichigo, as well as implies that they’ve discussed it specifically.  Considering the timeline of events in which Isshin has only just seen his son again after the whole Rukia rescue arc that started with Ichigo having to train to get his powers back, the fact that Isshin knew about Ichigo’s mask means he knew what Urahara had done to Ichigo, possibly from the moment Ichigo left to go train.

What I think is interesting is that for one, they’re called “lawless” which is a little vague given how little is really being said here; the word 無法 would most commonly mean “Lawlessness”/”Injustice”/”Wrong” and such as a noun, and as an adj. it can mean the same BUT it can also mean “Disorderly” or even just “Outrageous.”  The reason being that the word 法 can mean both a formal structure of law, as well as just a general system of organization.  It might be that they’re just calling them disorderly because they aren’t part of the Gotei 13 or Soul Society at large, or don’t have formal ranks like they do; as opposed to accusing them of some distinct immoral quality.  On the other hand it’s also possible that this is just calling them “outlaws” in the sense that by being Visorsed, they have broken the law of Soul Society.

It also establishes, albeit in slightly odd terms, that no one knows what the Visored want.  This is actually a really solid mystery hook and one I’ll revisit as we go through some more scenes...

Here’s a good line that every English translation I’ve seen totally botched!

オレは"仮面の軍勢"(ヴァイザード) オマエの同類や そっち側に居るべき 人間やない—————

I'M a VISORED. I'm the same as YOU. A human shouldn't be over there on that side—————

In particular every English translation I’ve seen goes with something like, “you don’t belong with them” and completely neglects that Kubo very specifically uses the word 人間: “Human.”  The side he’s saying Ichigo doesn’t belong with, are the Shinigami.  It was always kind of implied by the way the Visored were living in the human world, but Shinji is in fact calling the Visored more Human than Shinigami: He JUST told Ichigo they were the same, and then called Ichigo Human.  And this idea gets followed up a few scenes later when Hiyori is introduced...

Jinxed myself... I just realized I totally flubbed this translation.  I forgot I set aside bits of this line with Shinji’s dialect because I knew I’d have to work around those, but in this case I forgot to substitute the standard Japanese back in.  The phrase, 人間やない: “ningen yanai” is an accented way of saying 人間じゃない: “ningen janai.”  As in a “not-Human.”  So the translation should actually read as,

I'M a VISORED. I'm the same as YOU. You should be over on the sidewith your own kind, Not-Humans—————

...うちキライや人間

わかっとる

...死神も... ...キライや...

...わかっとる

HIYORI: ...I hate humans

SHINJI: I know (said in agreement)

HIYORI: ...Shinigami too... ...I hate them...

SHINJI: I know (said in agreement)

It’s a little clunky to translate but the phrase, わかっとる: “wakaru” has some specific usage that I tried to clarify above.  Actually in looking for the grammatical term to explain this better, I just found an all around better explanation:

Usage notes: The verb “wakaru” is most often glossed as “to understand.” However, “wakaru” is intransitive, and it takes the thing that is understood as the subject, and not the object. Strictly speaking, “wakaru” is thus closer to English “to be understandable,” as the verb “wakaru“ describes the thing itself, unlike English “to understand,” which describes the action of the person doing the understanding.

So when Shinji replies to the effect of “I get it...” every time Hiyori says she hates Humans/Shinigami, he’s not just affirming that he’s listening, he’s agreeing with the sentiment.  He also hates humans.  He also hates the shinigami.  This implicitly carries over to the Visored as a whole, and it implies that they’ve had a whole history and drama of not being accepted by human society.... although we never get any elaboration on that...

But let’s back up a bit to Shinji’s encounter with Ichigo again, because the Visored have a lot of factional drama going for them at the start here...

...もう遅いねん仮面の軍勢(ヴァイザード)は一遍発症したら二度と元には戻られへん  オマエが どう思おうが オマエはもうこっち側やねん一護

It's too late. It's all over. When VISORED symptoms appear, you can never go back.   No matter what YOU think, YOU are already on this side

Of note here, 発症: “outbreak of an illness;” “onset of an illness;” “appearance of symptoms;” “for signs of an illness to appear.”  Which is super interesting and suggests a few things about the nature of the Visored as hybrids, their own perspective on their condition, and the implied backstory they have at this juncture...

...織姫チャンも デクいのも メガネも 他のいろんな 死神達も みんな仲間やと思てるやろオマエ? 違うで  仲間でおれんのは今だけや

Orihime-CHAN, BLOCKHEAD, GLASSES, and the other Shinigami (referred to as a collective group)  Do you think they're your friends/comrades?  That's wrong. They're friends/comrades only for now

今のまま死神でおり続けたらオマエはいずれ必ず内なる虚(ホロウ)に呑まれて正気を失う そうなったら終いや  オマエの力は全てを壊です仲間も未来も お前自身も ぜんぶ巻き込んでコナゴナのォ

As it is, if you continue to be a Shinigami, YOU will eventually lose your sanity by being swallowed by the inner HOLLOW. Then it's the end.  YOUR power will destroy everything: Friends/Comrades, future, you yourself, all involved, every little bi~t, swallowed up.

...ホンマはもう 気ィ付いてんのと違うか?  お前自身の内なる虚(ホロウ)がもう手ェつけろられんぐらい巨かなっとるゆうことに...

THE TRUTH, by now you re~alize it, don't you? In other words, you can't ha~ndle your own inner HOLLOW it's gotten so huge.

So part of what was really intriguing about all this, back in the day when this information was just whatever we could scrape out of one chapter at a time each week, was that Shinji talks about inner Hollows, talks about them like they’re a disease, and talks about how there’s no reversing the Hollowization.  He suggests that he can teach Ichigo how to deal with the inner Hollow in such a way that he won’t destroy everything/one around him.  But he doesn’t specify what that method really is, even vaguely.  So, when Ichigo does go to them, there’s a nebulous sense of not knowing what he’s actually signing up for..  Even when he begins undergoing his training and faces down his inner Hollow, we don’t actually know if the goal is for him to destroy the hollow, to beat it into submission, to make peace with it, etc...

This all also HIGHLY suggests that every Visored also has an inner Hollow; they’re aware of it as a concept, they have a method specifically built for dealing with it, they have the obviously parallels with Ichigo that suggest their powers work similarly, and the arc overall eventually sets up the idea that Arrancar, Shinigami, and Visored all have a kind of true self or manifested soul that defines their unique sword/mask/release form.  But here’s the fun part,

When Ichigo is in the middle of his training, we get a matching pair of chapter covers (217 and 220) following Kubo’s formula established back during the Soul Society arc, with the cast of Shinigami, of having a bold written name of a character behind a portrait.  Ichigo’s inner Hollow’s “name” is just Ichigo’s name mirrored, which is exactly how Hirako wrote his name on the chalkboard when he showed up in Karakura High.  (Also keep in mind that Sakanade was hundreds of chapters away from being introduced at that point, and very likely not even a real idea for Hirako’s sword power yet.)  In the context of the early arc, the suggestion here was that Shinji never “conquered” his inner Hollow, he was his inner Hollow --or in the very least the two were at peace in a way that allowed Shinji to incorporate it into his own personality.

It’s a round about way to try to point it out, but really it just looks like the original concept for the whole inner Hollow conflict was just Ichigo learning to accept his negative character traits as a part of himself, rather than deny and repress them. (It’s basically what wound up being the exact dynamic of Person 4′s shadows actually...)

But this all is why I’ve always had the distinct feeling that Kubo’s original plan for the Visored wasn’t for them to be a bunch of captains and lieutenants at all; I think they were supposed to be a bunch of humans who got Shinigami powers by surviving being Hollowified, just like Ichigo did.  I think their secret motive was going to be two-fold: firstly they’d claim their goal was to gain the Hougyoku to use it’s distortion powers to mend the wall between their two forms to rid them of their Hollows, as the general descriptions of the Hollow symptoms and Ichigo’s personal motives would suggest --and for which they’d be willing to fight Aizen and the Arrancar-- but then the twist reveal would be that they really wanted to Hougyoku to further their transformations rather than revert them, and that their villainous motives would be in part facilitated by the fact that they were basically Hollows in human bodies...  And you might notice parts of that sound an awful lot like what the Fullbringer plot wound up being...

I also have a theory that there was something else going on with the Arrancar/Hollows, specifically the Vastlords, but that’ll have to wait for another post...

[mrlenexmc]

MARLENE MCKINNON CHARACTER PROFILE

“The flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.”

Character’s full name: Marlene Marie McKinnon Reason for name and/or meaning of name: Marlene means “star of the sea”, but her parents ending up choosing it because they wanted something that they thought would be different Character’s nickname: As long as it isn’t making fun of her height, she truly doesn’t care what she’s called.  The funniest nickname wins, in her book Birth date: August 3rd Star Sign: Leo

Physical appearance Faceclaim: Zoey Deutch Gender: Cis-female Height: 5′0 Build: Small Eye color: Hazel Glasses or contacts?: None Distinguishing marks/scars: She has multiple scars on her arms and hands from pranks gone wrong from her brothers Hair color: Naturally light brown, but she tends to dye it on a whim whenever she feels like it Type of hair: Fine and long Hairstyle: Shoulder length Clothing style: Marlene wears whatever she finds most comfortable, usually blue jeans and graphic t-shirts

Personality Good personality traits: Caring, Loyal, Passionate, Dedicated, Energetic, Courageous Bad personality traits: Impatient, Hot-tempered, Feisty, Impulsive, Irrational, Tactless Mood character is most often in: Marlene is ready to fight at all times, but when she’s comfortable she’s typically pretty relaxed Sense of humor: Sarcastic, sometimes self-deprecating Articulation: Marlene swears a lot Character’s greatest joy in life: Being around the people that she loves the most Character’s greatest fear: Losing her friends and family Character is most at ease when: Probably also when she’s around the people that she loves the most Most ill at ease when: She’s surrounded by people she knows that she can’t trust Enraged when: She thinks about the injustices of the world Depressed or sad when: She thinks about how people always leave, in the end Priorities: Getting shitty people out of government and creating a better world for the next generation Life philosophy: Mama didn’t raise no bitch Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Probably how deeply she cares for other people, but also her recklessness

Goals Drives and motivations: Marlene is highly driven by justice.  She hates that some people have such backward ways of thinking and wants to see things change Long term goals: She doesn’t really have any at the moment - they’re in the middle of a war, she’s finding it difficult to think past that

Childhood Hometown: Manchester, England Type of childhood: Marlene grew up with four older brothers who picked on her whenever her parents weren’t looking.  She’s close with one of her brothers now, but she always felt like her parents didn’t have the most time for her, being the youngest. Pets: None, but she’d like to have a pet one day Dream job: She’d like to build things, one day, in whatever form that takes

Present Current location: London, England Currently living with: With her older brother, Tristan Sexuality: Pansexual Occupation/education: A bartender / Hogwarts - Gryffindor Mode of transportation: Apparation and Disapparation, sometimes the Floo Networks

Family Parent one: Hadrian McKinnon Relationship with them: Marlene considers herself quite close to her Father, he’s more soft-spoken than her Mother is and she appreciates that about him Parent two: Darlene McKinnon Relationship with them: Darlene was always Marlene’s example of a strong woman, and she looks up to her mother in a lot of ways even if she doesn’t consider them to be super close Other important family members: Her brothers, Faron, Tristan, Cary and Clark

Favorites Color: Blue Music: Marlene appreciates all kinds of music Food: Chicken pot pie Film: Carrie (1976) Drink: Probably firewhiskey Form of entertainment: Drinking with friends Most prized possession: Probably her wand, which feels silly but it was the one thing she didn’t ever have to share growing up

Habits Hobbies: Marlene likes tinkering around with Muggle mechanics.  There’s something she loves about taking things apart and then putting them back together with no magic involved Plays a sport? She likes flying a broom, but never got into Quidditch.  She also likes football on occasion How he would spend a rainy day: Running around in the rain Spending habits: She’s usually pretty good with her money, but is known to make impulsive purchases every now and then Smoking/drinking/drugs?: She drinks quite liberally and smokes on occasion  Nervous tics: She bites at the inside of her mouth Usual body posture: Marlene can usually be found trying to make herself seem taller than she actually is.  This involves manspreading.

Traits Optimist or pessimist? A little bit of both Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil Logical or emotional? Emotional Leader or follower? Leader Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Messy and disorderly Prefers working or relaxing? Working Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident externally, unsure internally Animal lover? Marlene loves most animals, but she’s wary of the more dangerous ones

Self-perception How do they feels about themselves?: Marlene generally likes herself, but in her darker moments she kind of thinks that she’s a bit of a walking disaster One word the character would use to describe themselves: Rad What does the character consider their best trait?: Her courage What does the character consider their worst trait?: Her recklessness What does the character consider their best physical characteristic?: Her legs What does the character consider their worst physical characteristic?: Her teeth, she thinks that they’re kind of small How does the character think others perceive them?: As a force to be reckoned with What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Marlene would like to be less reactive

Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: Marlene attempts to see the best in others, but she is definitely one to hold a grudge if someone upsets her Does the character hide their true opinions and emotions from others? She may try, but she’s not the greatest at it Most important person in character’s life: Probably her brother, Tristan Best friend/s: Lily and Mary Dating experience: She had her heart pretty broken after Dorcas called things off and has been keeping her heart to herself - she’s fine with meaningless sex though Romancing: Marlene is pretty forward when it comes to romancing, if she likes you, she’ll tell you

[missalectoxcarrow]

ALECTO CARROW CHARACTER PROFILE

“Well, look who I ran into”, crowed Coincidence. “Please”, flirted Fate, “this was meant to be.”

Character’s full name: Alecto Carrow Reason for name and/or meaning of name: Alecto was one of the three Furies in Greek mythology, the English translation of the name means “the implacable or unceasing anger” Character’s nickname: None, do not try Birth date: November 19th Star Sign: Scorpio

Physical appearance Faceclaim: Deniz Baysal Gender: Cis-female Height: 5′11 Build: Tall and willowy Eye color: Dark brown Glasses or contacts?: None Distinguishing marks/scars: She has a circular birthmark behind her ear Hair color: Black Type of hair: Straight and long Hairstyle: Alecto will wear her hair differently depending on the day.  It is typically worn down but if she’s going on any sort of venture where she may get her hands dirty, she will put it up in a bun Clothing style:  Expensive, tasteful, and you can always find her in high heels Make up:  Alecto usually wears bold makeup, and she especially loves a red lip

Personality  Good personality traits: Intelligent, Witty, Loyal, Ambitious, Confident, Strong-Willed Bad personality traits: Malicious, Manipulative, Dry, High-Maintenance, Haughty, Judgmental Mood character is most often in:  Alecto is not even tempered, but she is able to hide her inner feelings well.  With her fellow Death Eaters, she tends to be quiet and observant, but with those she considers to be beneath her, she doesn’t hold her tongue. Sense of humor: She has a pretty good sense of humour when it comes to making fun of other people Articulation:  Alecto has a posh accent, and always takes the time to carefully craft biting words Character’s greatest joy in life:  Emasculating men Character’s greatest fear: Losing Amycus Character is most at ease when: She’s around the people she likes the most Most ill at ease when:  She’s around people that she considers to be beneath her, but has to act as though she doesn’t find them to be beneath her Enraged when: Men try to flirt with her if she doesn’t initiate  Depressed or sad when: She thinks about how Amycus will always be favoured over her by their parents Priorities: Fighting to have blood status be more of a meaningful category within the wizarding world Life philosophy: That she is a diamond amongst a bunch of coal Greatest strength: Her ability to never back down Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Her confidence could very easily be her downfall, as it sometimes blurs with arrogance

Goals Drives and motivations: Alecto is very motivated by protecting blood purity and wizard/witch supremacy - it was something that was ingrained into her from a young age, and she feels incredibly passionate about it.  She believes that there is no place for outsiders, and with Pureblood names dying out, wishes that more of the wizarding community would take it seriously.  It feels as though time is running short, and she’s thrown herself into the war passionately.  She is also motivated by emasculating the men around her any chance she gets. Long term goals:  To spend all of her parent’s money and restore rightful order to the wizarding world

Childhood Hometown: Virginia Water, Surrey, England Type of childhood: Alecto was incredibly spoiled as a child, though she always noticed that her parents gave Amycus more of their favour than they ever did her.  Instead of resenting Amycus for it, though, it brought them closer, and had her rebelling in other ways. Pets: A barred owl named Poof Dream job: She doesn’t really have one

Present Current location: London, England Currently living with: On her own Sexuality: Lesbian Occupation/education: An heiress, part time healer, and Death Eater Mode of transportation: Apparation and Disapparation

Family Parent one: Celeste Carrow Relationship with them: She likes her Mother more than her Father, but she wouldn’t consider them to be close by any stretch of the imagination Parent two: Salvatore Carrow Relationship with them: Alecto’s relationship with her Father is complicated.  Deep down she would love his approval, but as soon as she realized that he would never favour her more than Amycus, she started to pull away and stop seeking his approval Other important family members: Amycus Carrow, her younger twin

Favorites Color: Red Music: Classical Food: Caviar and foie gras Film: Coming from a Pureblood family she has never seen a movie Drink: Champagne Form of entertainment: Attending parties  Most prized possession: A family heirloom mirror

Habits Hobbies: Ruining people’s lives Plays a sport? No How she would spend a rainy day: Listening to the sounds of the rain Spending habits: Alecto does not shy away from buying expensive things as often as she can Smoking/drinking/drugs?: She drinks when the social situation calls for it Nervous tics: None Usual body posture: Alecto has impeccable posture and always carries herself with the grace of a dancer

Traits Optimist or pessimist?  Pessimist Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil Logical or emotional? Logical Leader or follower? Both, depending on who she’s around Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Methodical and neat Prefers working or relaxing? Relaxing Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident Animal lover? It depends on the animal - she is particularly fond of snakes

Self-perception How do they feels about themselves? Alecto is very in love with herself One word the character would use to describe themselves: Beautiful What does the character consider their best trait?: Her intelligence What does the character consider their worst trait?: Nothing, she’s perfect What does the character consider their best physical characteristic?: Her legs What does the character consider their worst physical characteristic?: Nothing, she’s perfect How does the character think others perceive them?: Alecto thinks that other people see her to be beautiful but deadly What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Nothing, she’s perfect

Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: She typically sees people as beneath her and not really worth her time, save for a select few Opinion of the Death Eaters: Alecto generally thinks that she’s surrounded by morons, but will make time for one man other than her brother, and that’s the Dark Lord Does the character hide their true opinions and emotions from others? Depending on who she’s around, she tries her best.  If she feels no need to impress someone, she can be pretty biting. Most important person in character’s life: Amycus Carrow Best friend/s: Bellatrix Lestrange and Freya Rosier, she tolerates Regulus Black from time to time Dating experience: She has always been a little too infatuated with herself to really pursue anyone to date, but she is very sex positive Romancing: She is very confident and has yet to find someone who can keep up with her

[rydenstories]

Wholly Unnatural Beings: The Monsters I’ve Written!

Hi, guys! It’s obviously been a little while since I’ve posted a new story - though not for lack of still CONSTANTLY writing. The past several years have been quite different for me and, as you can imagine, my attentions have been all over the place elsewhere. Through that time, though, I’ve had mountainous opportunities to re-read some of my favorite works I’ve written and analyze the monsters/demons/ghosts I’ve written/created. That has led into introspection on who these beings are and how they’d function in this little universe I’ve built. That’s when I decided I would write little backgrounds and descriptions for my monsters! They even have names now - which is something I have only done for my Sixes.

If you’ve read many of my stories, of course, some of my stories are 100% human motivated horror - meaning there is no paranormal/supernatural element so those stories will be left out of this series. HOWEVER, I am open to the idea of writing criminal profiles for each entirely human evil I’ve ever written about. That’s for another time, though!

I decided to start with three stories - I heard my friends voice again. I almost immediately wished I hadn’t. // Mom’s biggest secret lived in the attic. // My imaginary friend wanted me dead. If you haven’t read these yet and you do not want the stories spoiled for you, PLEASE READ THEM FIRST! Spoilers ahead!

I heard my best friend’s voice again. I almost immediately wished I hadn’t.

- This story is about a young girl who loses her friend to illness at a young age. Her grief is replaced with fear when she finds a monster resembling her friend, Whitney, residing in her abandoned television. This is an example of a type of inhuman entity called a Ziya that preys on grieving children. They are inherently created through massive amounts of human grief - mostly during small to moderate tragedies throughout history. They retain the ability to impersonate dead people but, before the technological age, Ziya were much less successful hunters. In the physical realm, they can only hold a false form outside their own for a minute or two. This meant they would have to lure children into the shadows with only a mere glimpse of their loved one from a distance. Once radio and eventually television was invented, these entities realized their true potential. They could manipulate their presence onto television and radio waves and maintain their false form for anywhere between ten minutes and an hour. This brought them from pouncing on their prey from the shadows to manipulating their prey right where they wanted them. This method proved to heighten the grief and overall emotional state of their prey, which makes them a much more flavorful meal. Once they have their meal close enough and entranced enough in their scheme, they reach out and grab their prey. Using black tar-like saliva, it immobilizes and burns it’s meal before devouring it. The older the Ziya, the better the hunter. Newly created Ziya are generally poor hunters and will often reveal their true nature too early to catch their prey - such is the case in this story. They cannot be killed; destroying their point of original contact only slows them until they find you’re near another tv/radio. Your only hope is to stay away from technology until the entity loses interest, though the young Ziya lose interest easier. It is less common, but there are some Ziya out there existing solely on the internet, though little is known as of now about their behavior or hunting methods. It IS rumored, however, that these entities can hold their forms almost unlimitedly online.

Mom’s biggest secret lived in the attic.

- A father recounts his childhood with his talented but neglectful mother who’d found wealth and fame suddenly after a stroke of bad luck. All is not as it seems, however, as the luck comes at the cost of human lives. This is achieved at the hands of a type of demon called a Lukain, though it does not require a vessel like most demons, as the human life force it consumes give it a corporeal form. These are some of Lucifier’s earlier low-level demons, before the concern of Hell’s population of souls. It creates luck out of greed but embodies gluttony - appearing almost always as a black and hateful man-shaped void with white eyes. It will always be hungry, so the luck will always wear off. Regardless, once they’ve granted you luck, it’s near-impossible to get one of these demons off of your back and if you stop providing for them suddenly, they’ll likely eat you instead. The interesting thing about the Lukain is what they truly seek. While they do pull much of their sustenance from the people sacrificed to them, they secretly truly want to feed on the greed of their human provider. It is the highest delicacy for them. The greed of trading any human life for your own wants is pretty much like a big fancy cake for the Lukain. Being demons, they can only be sent back to hell via exorcism or destruction of the vessel and considering the fact that these beings create their own vessel, you’d be better off trying the latter. If you’ve already fed it a few times, though, you’ll likely find yourself dying shortly afterward - demonic luck bounces back threefold. The bounce-back is additionally worse with each sacrifice so while even the most emotionless evil individual could continue to sacrifice human lives for their own happiness, bad luck would eventually place them in prison or in a coffin.

My imaginary friend wanted me dead.

- An imaginary friend quickly is revealed to be a malevolent spirit and spends a span of several years attempting to end the life of a young boy. This is an example of a spirit who has become twisted by the nature of their life and death. Mean and cruel children that meet a sudden and dramatic fate will often be angry about their lot in life and that contorts them into what is known as a Killchild. They latch onto other happy, healthy children who’s lives they envy and drain them of all their happiness in the simplest of ways - physical and psychological torture. Much of their power is drawn from the attention they receive from the child - whether it be negative or positive. Theoretically, a Killchild could be entirely kind for it’s full existence and still be as powerful if they weren’t so spiritually twisted by their behavior in life to think to try, which is what sets them aside from similar benevolent creatures. Their ultimate goal is to either kill the child or push them to do it themselves. They, while evil, are still lonely children and somehow believe the evil they’re committing will bring their living subject where they are, but forget about them altogether once they’ve killed their subject and eventually move onto a new child. They lose a significant amount of power over their victim when they’re seen by anyone besides the child they’ve latched onto but they’re only really vulnerable when they are killing. After they lose that power, their behavior becomes much more like a regular haunting and once the attention is fully off of them, they fade back into the veil until they happen to find another child they can latch onto. Can also be destroyed like normal spirits (destroying human remains) but only after they’re seen. Interestingly - there are a few souls who have truly aged out of their Killchild out of pure grit and determination. After a certain age, even if they’re never seen by an outside party, mostly any Killchild will lose interest.

[myheartrevealedocs]

Untouchable Ch 29: Amplification (S4E24)

Warnings: swearing (a lot of it), illness, hospitals

Ch 28 | Ch 30

~ ~ ~

“I’m picking you up from work. Now.”

Lydia sighed, glad that it was her break and she wasn’t in the middle of teaching class. But then again… Spencer already knew that. “Just once I’d like to get a case and be told ‘you can drop by when you’re done with what you’re working on.’ No worries. Sending out emails now.”

“Sorry. It’s local, if that helps.”

Lydia’s eyebrows knit together suspiciously. “Local? Local cases are never my cases. If it were, I probably would have heard something, right?”

“I don’t know anything about the case,” he admitted. “Hotch called and he said he needed everyone now, you included.”

Lydia shut her laptop, already stuffing it into her work bag. “I’ll meet you out front.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia had stuffed herself into the back of the elevator with Spence, Morgan, and Prentiss, so when the doors opened, she didn’t immediately see what made the three of them stop.

“What’s the army doing here?” Morgan said.

Lydia stepped to the side to get a better look at the crowd of people rushing through the BAU office.

“What the hell is going on?” Emily muttered.

Spencer was the first to set off for the conference room, Lydia joining him immediately if only to get away from the insane amount of people in the bullpen.

Inside were Hotch, Rossi, JJ, and a woman.

“Guys, this is Dr. Linda Kimura, Chief of Special Pathogens with the CDC.”

“Hello,” Emily said.

“Hello. I’m sorry to meet under these circumstances.”

“What circumstances?” Reid inquired, but Hotch stopped him.

“We need to get started.”

JJ cleared her throat, ready to take over the briefing. Lydia could tell it was going to be a quick summary, with no slides, few files to share, and no time to sit down.

“Last night, 25 people checked into emergency rooms in and around Annapolis. They were all at the same park after 2pm yesterday. Within 10 hours, the first victim died. It’s now just past 7am the next day, we have 12 dead.”

Looking over her boyfriend’s shoulder, Lydia could see large welts across the victims faces and necks. Purple rings lined the deads’ eyes.

“Lung failure and black lesions,” Morgan read aloud. “Anthrax?”

Spencer shook his head. “Anthrax doesn’t kill this fast.”

“This strain does,” Dr. Kimura admitted.

Lydia’s eyes shot to their expert. She could see why Hotch felt the need to bring her in, but a new strain of anthrax was far out of her comfort zone, especially in a time when people were dying quickly. This would take a team of people in a lab running trial after trial to find a cure. These poor people were doomed.

Lydia wouldn’t know anything about the strain, she could only come up with a vague idea about what sort of background a person would need to create this, and there were so many people already involved in whatever this was.

“What are we doing about potential mass targets?” Prentiss inquired. “Airports, malls, trains?”

“There’s a media blackout,” Hotch replied.

“We’re not telling the public?”

“We’d have a mass exodus,” Morgan explained.

“Psychology of group panic would cause more deaths than this last attack.”

“Yeah, and if it does get out, whoever did it might go underground or destroy their samples.”

“Or,” Emily tried to argue, “if they wanted attention and didn’t get it, they might attack again. Doesn’t the public have a right to know that?”

“If there is another attack, there’s no way we’ll be able to keep it quiet,” Hotch assured her. “Our best chance of protecting the public is by building a profile as quickly as we can.”

“What do we know about this strain?” Lydia interrupted, grabbing the files from Spencer to get a closer look.

Dr. Kimura answered, “the spores are weaponized, reduced to a respiral ideal that attacks deep in the lungs. Odorless and invisible.”

“A sophisticated strain,” Rossi reasoned. “Only a scientist would know how to do that.”

Lydia nodded.

“These lesions are doubling in size in a matter of hours.”

“It’s not the lesions I’m worried about,” Dr. Kimura warned. “It’s the lungs. We don’t know how to combat the toxins once they’re inside. And the reality is, we may lose them all.”

“Reid, Ambers, go to the hospital with Dr. Kimura. Reid will interview victims. Ambers, I want you in the lab updating us on blood tests and toxicology reports.”

They nodded, Spencer throwing his satchel over his shoulder.

“Morgan and Prentiss, there’s a hazmat team that will accompany you to the crime scene. There’s cipro. Everybody needs to take it before we go.”

Dr. Kimura grabbed a tray of pills from a desk along the side of the room. “We don’t know if it’s effective against this strain, but it’s something.”

Lydia picked up a plastic cup with two pills inside and glanced around. Everyone hesitated, knowing that for the rest of this case, they’d be risking a lot. This wasn’t chasing down bad guys with guns, but rather with immunity. Their kevlar vests wouldn’t protect them from the air.

“Jin dan,” Rossi said, raising his cup. “May you live 100 years.”

~ ~ ~

Spencer was fidgeting in the passenger seat of the car as they drove to Walter Reed hospital with Dr. Kimura. “What did you tell your students, Lydia?”

She shrugged. “What I normally do. Just that I was called into work by the FBI. They don’t normally ask where I’m headed or why. It’s strange. For the first time since I became a professor, I’m worried about them.”

“I guess you’re right,” he mumbled. “This is going to affect everyone in the DC area.”

“I mean, what would a cure for this even look like? The only person who has any idea how it differs from normal anthrax is our unsub. He’s got to have some kind of antidote, right?”

“Let’s hope he does,” Spencer replied. “For now, building the profile is Hotch and Rossi’s doing. Our job is to find out what we can about the victims and their symptoms.”

~ ~ ~

“How many more have died since this morning?”

“Five,” Spencer admitted. “We’re up to 17 dead.”

“It’s no good,” she sighed, having stepped out of the lab momentarily to call him. “The drug combinations are useless. We don’t know anymore about this strain than they did this morning.”

“Dr. Kimura says the strain duplicates every 30-45 minutes, poisoning the lungs and causing organ failure.”

“Extreme bacterial amplification,” she replied. “That’s insane.”

“I’m thinking whoever created this had to have gone through the trouble of testing it.”

“That would make sense, but who’s to say the park wasn’t his test run?”

“It’s too risky. Human tests are done on a much smaller scale. What do you know about illnesses that have similar symptoms to anthrax poisoning?”

“Not much,” she admitted. “I’ll talk to Garcia and do some digging about weird medical deaths in the area.”

“Thanks.”

~ ~ ~

“Tell me you got something good, Spice.”

“I rarely find myself giving out good news, Sugar,” Garcia admitted. “However, I did find some strange deaths for you. Two days ago, three people in the Baltimore area checked into 3 different ERs, slipping into comas and dying within 3 hours. The COD on all three was meningitis, but they were never tested for anthrax. Is that what you were looking for?”

“Possibly. The respiratory problems would be similar, but the lesions would have definitely signalled to the doctors it was something else. You said they died within 3 hours?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“That’s fast. They likely had to have inhaled a high concentration of anthrax if that were the case. But, it would also make it harder to identify. See if those three were in the same place that day and contact Hotch.”

“On it.”

~ ~ ~

“Lydia?”

She huffed. “What’s up, Derek?”

“Don’t get pissy on me,” he teased.

“All I’ve done all day is answer calls and get told once an hour that someone else has died. My mood has limits.”

“I’m pulling you from the hospital. We’re going to the house of a Dr. Lawrence Nichols. Fits our profile.”

“Great.” As she spoke she slipped out of the hospital lab and towards the elevator. “What’s this profile?”

“Fanatical,” he summarized. “Dr. Nichols got booted from Fort Detrick after the Amerithrax case. He was afraid of anthrax being weaponized against the US and was preaching stronger protection from the government.”

“If he was against anthrax, what makes you think he’d use it?”

“A warning. He was told that we couldn’t spend billions of dollars to fight against an attack that may never happen. This is his way of saying, ‘You should have listened to me. Now it’s too late.’”

“Got it. I’ll meet you outside Walter Reed.”

“Good.”

Hanging up, she sent a quick message to Spencer to let him know she was leaving the hospital, then made a break for the front entrance.

~ ~ ~

“It’s quaint,” Lydia said, stepping out of the SUV and waiting for Morgan to walk around the car and join her.

The Nichols house had cute rose bushes around the front and all the windows had white trim. Classic suburban look.

“Nicer than a hospital, I bet.”

She huffed. “I cannot thank you enough for getting me out of there. I don’t know how Reid is able to talk to these people, knowing that they’re doomed.”

“That’s why we’re here,” Morgan countered. “To make sure they aren’t doomed.”

A team in protective gear had arrived before them to search the house. There was no one there, luckily enough, as Nichols was supposedly at work. And the team had yet to notify them of any contamination, but until they were certain, she and Morgan had to stay outside.

The two of them wandered towards the backyard, looking at all the greenery and sweeping for anything suspicious, but frankly, if Nichols was harboring anthrax, he would have kept it at his lab. As soon as the team inside was done, all she and Morgan had to do was the usual profiling stuff. Does this man have a motive to commit mass murder and all that jazz.

Lydia was so caught up in the difference between the well trimmed front lawn to the overgrown backyard that she didn’t hear Morgan’s cell start ringing, nor did she take notice of the fact that he stopped walking to answer it.

There was a small stone fountain, which was completely dry, in front of a decaying garage in the back. The shed was designed exactly like the house, but its paint was faded and chipping and the plants clung to it like it had been long abandoned in the weeds.

It didn’t look like anyone had been in there for years, and yet all the doors and windows were open.

As she crept towards the sliding glass door along the side, her hand went to the gun at her belt. He should be at work, but frankly, unsubs were never where you expected them to be. So, to be careful, she unclipped her weapon and kept a hand on it as she leaned inside.

“Hello? Dr. Nichols? It’s the FBI!”

Nothing…

Hesitantly, she stepped inside and didn’t take a moment to realize how bad of an idea that was. Directly across from the door was clearly a work desk, and yet, she didn’t take into consideration that he might have worked on his toxins at his house.

And so, as she stepped around the corner to find Dr. Nichols’s body with a shattered tube of white powder on the floor, it took her a moment to process what this meant.

Powder… anthrax… deadly. The AC was on, meaning the toxin was circulating the air and she had most certainly been exposed.

Deadly.

Her hand shot up to her mouth, quickly covering it with the fabric of her shirt to filter out some of the powder from the air. Funny enough, the dead body was the furthest thing from her mind. Her next plan of action was to cover the broken pieces of glass so that whatever powder was left on the floor wouldn’t be swept up into the air. She could worry about the AC in a second.

“Ambers?”

Fuck, Morgan.

She couldn’t let him inside. It was too dangerous. But if she left, the BAU might never get the chance to search the lab before the rest of the infected died. It would take too long to clear the garage. No, she had to stay, even if it meant increasing the concentration in her lungs.

Flipping around, she shut the sliding door, locking it just as Morgan appeared.

“Ambers!”

“Get back!” she insisted, looking around wildly for the closest open window to shut, one hand still holding her shirt over her face. “Get out of here!”

“What are you doing?! What’s wrong?”

He rushed over to the window with her, but wasn’t fast enough. “Don’t! STAY AWAY, MORGAN!”

“Tell me what’s going on!”

“I’VE BEEN EXPOSED!”

His face and Lydia’s heart both dropped at the same time. 

What had she done?

“Morgan,” she started, trying to keep her mind off of her death sentence, “I need you to tell the team that Nichols is dead.”

“He’s what?!”

“He’s been murdered,” she explained, stepping away from the window so that he could see the body behind her. “Blunt force trauma to the head. I have to stop the anthrax circulation in the room and then I can start to profile what happened.”

“What? No! Lydia, you have to get out of there so we can take you to the hospital!”

“Derek, Dr. Kimura said the only thing they can do at the hospital is give me morphine! If we wait for a team to clear the room before we profile, those people at the hospital will die. I might die. If I stay here, maybe I can find a cure.”

“I don’t like this, Lydia,” he grumbled. “Think about Spencer-”

“I am! We’ve seen what this toxin does to people. I have a few hours before I become incapable of doing my job. My chances of surviving increase tremendously if I spend those hours doing work. Trust me. I can do nothing from the hospital.”

He nervously gave her a once over, as if he’d be able to see how bad it was, before pulling out his cell and stepping away from the garage.

~ ~ ~

By the time Hotch got there, Lydia had turned off the AC unit, found a lab mask to cover her face, and given Morgan a rundown on the state of Nichols’s body. There was no way he was responsible for the attack at the part, because he had been dead for at least 2 days. The fact that he had anthrax here likely meant someone had murdered him to take his samples.

“Ambers,” Hotch answered his phone from across the backyard, looking at her through the window.

“Does Spencer know yet?” she demanded.

“Yes. He’s on his way now.”

“How did he take it?”

“How do you expect, Lydia?” Morgan hissed, clearly listening in on the conversation.

“I didn’t mean to do this,” she argued, glancing around the room. “But I’m going to stay and look for a cure, or at the very least, some more information on this strain and I’ll try to figure out who killed Dr. Nichols.”

Hotch took over once more. “Okay, we’re going to get a suit and mask in to you right away.”

“Don’t bother. I’m already infected. I’ve stopped the airflow for now, so my condition won’t get worse. I need to spend my time working the case.”

“Alright. What do you see?”

“He has cages stacked against the back wall, filled with dead animals,” she began, getting into work mode. “He struggled before he died. Um… there’s some oddly empty spots on shelves, which leads me to believe the murderer robbed him as well. Nothing personal in here, clearly it was only meant to be a workshop or lab of sorts. There are two desks. One is a mess but the other totally organized…”

“Two different work spaces?” It was Derek’s voice again.

“Yeah, um…” She started to flip through a journal on one of the desks and paused. “I think our unsub was working here with Nichols. These look like research notes. Stuff that Nichols would already know, considering he has a doctorate.” She ran back to the cluttered desk to look over some loose papers. “Yep. Two clearly different sets of handwriting. Maybe he took on a protege?”

“Ambers, Morgan is going to stay with you and help profile Nichols. I’m going to go back to the BAU and try to figure out who this protege might be.”

“Don’t worry about me, Hotch,” she said, hearing the edge in his voice. He didn’t want to leave her here. “I feel fine. I’m good at this stuff. If there’s a cure, I’ll find it.”

~ ~ ~

Lydia prepared herself for the worst as Spencer grew closer. Reckless together. That was her promise. Getting herself into this situation was exactly what he was talking about after the Colorado case. But she really hadn’t meant to end up here. She felt like there was no better way after being exposed. She was being as careful as she could. But their last fight hadn’t been good.

She was listing excuses in her mind. Building up a strong argument for when he got here and inevitably lost his shit on her. 

It was almost ironic that their last fight had been about her putting up walls between them and now, she was quite literally locking him out. But as she had promised to be careful, he had promised not to rush in to save her. And that included walking into a building of toxic air.

Her phone began to buzz in her pocket and she took several deep breaths before looking at the caller ID.

Spencer was here.

“Hey, love,” she said softly, not wanting to look outside and see him there. With Morgan. Probably pissed as hell.

But he matched her tone perfectly: gentle and concerned. “Lydia, how are you feeling?”

Her breath caught on all the things she was planning to say when he yelled at her. She wasn’t sure where to go with that response. “The… um… The fever’s kicking in. I’m unnaturally warm. But I’ve been super careful to lower my exposure, I promise! I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, honey. I know. Stay calm. Keep working. You’re gonna be alright.”

God, she never really knew with him, did she? Of course he wasn’t happy she was there, but he kept his promise. He was trusting her. And for the first time today, she didn’t feel like she had to convince everyone that everything was normal. They both knew her odds were unfortunately low at the moment and they weren’t going to spend this time arguing.

“Dr. Kimura came with me. She’s suiting up to come in with the decon team.”

“Good.”

There was a long pause, before he said, “Lydia, come to the window.”

She originally had thought she was avoiding his gaze because she had expected him to be angry, but stepping up to the glass and seeing him at the edge of the lawn, as close as the CDC would allow him to get, brought a new meaning to the word guilt.

She didn’t just break her promise of being with him when the bad things happened. There was a chance that in a few hours, a few painful, painful hours, she might leave him. She might die. And Spencer… he didn’t deserve that.

“Lydia,” he began, looking her over carefully. “I love you so, so much, you hear me?”

She nodded, feeling tears begin to well up in the back of her throat.

“You keep fighting in there, alright? Fight and fight until we find a cure.”

“I know,” she gulped. “I know. I- I- I-”

She froze as a violent chill ran up her spine, causing her to lose her train of thought. Spencer's face broke momentarily, giving away his fear and anguish.

“I’m sorry. I… love you, too, Spence,” she finally forced out. “More than you will ever know.”

“Hopefully in an hour you’ll be out of there and you can try to tell me.”

“Of course,” she smiled, halfheartedly. “I will.”

She had to hang up the call as she heard the decon team start to file in.

She turned around to find Dr. Kimura approaching her directly. “Dr. Ambers.”

“Dr. Kimura,” she smiled, trying to hide how nauseous she was beginning to feel. “You look nice.”

She glanced down at the red and grey suit she wore and laughed along. “I haven’t been in this outfit in a while.”

“How are the patients doing?” she asked, before mentally kicking herself. She didn’t want to know how many more had died. She didn’t need that weighing her down.

Luckily, Dr. Kimura seemed to think the same. “Let's worry about you.”

“I feel fine,” she deflected. “I don’t think I’ve inhaled that much.”

“I see you’re being careful,” she noted with a nod to Lydia’s mask, “but if you feel any pain, I can give you something.”

“Oh, I don’t think giving me morphine is a good idea.”

Dr. Kimura raised an eyebrow in her direction. “Are you sure? Some pain medication might make you feel more comfortable.”

Lydia shook her head quickly. “Don’t worry. In my line of work, you learn to focus despite your discomfort.”

Dr. Kimura still looked hesitant to let go of the subject.

“I feel fine,” she tried again. “I should work at the task at hand.”

“Ok. Tell me how I can help.”

Thank god. She could get back on track. Between Morgan, Hotch, Spence, and Dr. Kimura, she would never find the cure. Everyone would be too busy worrying about her condition.

“The team believes that there’s a cure for this strain within this lab,” she explained. “Our profile for Nichols says he’s secretive, and likely, he’s paranoid. So he would be protective of the cure. Probably hid it from his partner. Look for something totally unsuspicious.”

“Alright…” Dr. Kimura hesitated, knowing that those instructions were too broad. But Lydia didn’t have anything else. Her profiling skills didn’t go as far as the others. And she didn’t have the same information on Nichols or the partner that the others might be getting from Quantico.

Her phone rang sharply and she almost jumped at the vibrations in her pocket.

Fuck, she was succumbing quickly. Disoriented, panicked, nauseous.

“Hello?” she asked, trying not to cough violently after saying it. Her throat was starting to dry.

“How’s it going in there, kiddo?” Morgan replied.

“I’ve seen better days,” she admitted, hoarsely.

“Well, you’ve got me, Reid, and Garcia.”

“Hey, Sugar.”

Lydia couldn’t stop herself from smiling and was almost through the word “Spice” when the coughing fit finally took over.

“Lydia, stick with me. Listen, Rossi and Prentiss don’t think the partner is a coworker. Can you tell us anything else about him?”

God, she was hot. She wiped her brow and tried to run her fingers through the tangled, sweaty mess that was her hair. “I don’t… I’m not sure. I looked through all the drawers, but I can’t-”

“Come on now, kiddo. I know you’re not thinking straight, but the Lydia I know would not stop looking.”

All she wanted to do was sleep. She didn’t care if Morgan called her lazy. She didn’t care if it wasn’t like her to quit. But then she remembered all those people at the hospital who were dying. They needed a break in the case. Now. She had to at least try to give that to them.

“Alright,” she mumbled, headed straight for the partner’s desk. “We think this partner is more like a protege, right? He clearly doesn’t know as much about the chemistry of anthrax than Nichols would. So maybe he was one of Nichols’s students?”

“Nichols stopped teaching ages ago. Any of his students would likely be far more advanced now than what you described from the partner’s notes.”

She flipped through everything she had left on the desk from her last search through the doors. “You’re right. These look more like my freshman year of college notes. Basics…” A large huff escaped her lips as she desperately attempted to swallow more air. Could you drown in your own sweat? “Wait, wait- I’m looking at something here. My best guess is it’s a thesis and based on the marks in red along the sides, Nichols has been correcting it. So maybe, not one of his students, but a local PhD student, looking for help on their thesis about anthrax?”

“I can look up local PhD students,” Garcia cut in.

“Yeah, check the sciences,” Morgan told her. “Biochemistry, microbi-”

“No, wait-” Lydia cut in through another coughing fit. “A science PhD student wouldn’t have all these other notes. It’s the only part that doesn’t line up with…” She trailed off, trying to skim what he had written, but it was so hard to concentrate.

“Lydia?”

Spencer… finally.

“Lydia, you’re almost done. We’re so close to getting you out of there. Is there anything else you can tell us about this student?”

She closed her eyes, soaking in his voice, without really considering what he was asking of her. “Okay...okay…” Eyes open again, she turned the thesis back to the opening page, a table of contents. “The chapters are on setting up mobile emergencies-” She fumbled for her words. “Emergency rooms. That’s not… Science students don’t care about city preparedness.”

“Garcia, check with students in the social studies,” Spence ordered. “Public policy, urban planning. And cross check those with-”

“-Former employees and customers with grievances at the bookstore,” she finished for him. “Hot to trot. There’s a Chad Brown, school of public policy at U of M. Matches a Chad Brown, former employee at the book front.”

“That’s gotta be him,” Morgan said

“Totally. He’s been in the doctoral program on and off for five years. Nix on a steady job. Was slapped with a restraining order from his former girlfriend and has been arrested and released twice at protest rallies in DC. I’ll tell Hotch.”

Garcia spoke so fast that by the time Lydia had put Brown’s thesis down, she had already dropped off the call.

“You did good, kiddo.”

“Thanks, Morgan,” she rasped.

“Now it’s time for you to get the hell out of there,” Spencer demanded.

It wasn’t a cure, but Lydia was feeling so sick, she didn’t care. She’d done her best. Maybe it really was time to hit the hospital and succumb to the morphine.

“Yeah. Bye.”

She started to move towards the exit, knowing that they would have to decontaminate her before getting her into the ambulance, but was stopped on her way.

“Dr. Ambers!” Dr. Kimura called. “You said the cure would be hidden somewhere we wouldn’t suspect. What about Nichols’s inhaler?”

...smart.

Very smart.

“Bag it as evidence,” she ordered. “I have to hope this is it. But I can’t stay.”

The older woman nodded, likely seeing the sway as Lydia stood before her, or the sweat slipping down her neck. “Let’s get you to the hospital and I’ll have this sent to your lab.”

“Thank you,” Lydia said, smiling through the pain.

~ ~ ~

The rest of the day was a blur. Lydia had small snippets of memory: the moment Derek left to help the rest of the team, having the get hosed down and changed into a hospital gown outside of Nichols’s house, Spencer promising to meet her at the hospital. But after the fog cleared up from her mind she was positive that those would disappear as well.

She let her eyes crack open and swallowed a groan. Her nose was burning and itchy from the plastic tubes connecting her to a breathing machine and her voice was practically gone. She didn’t want to open her eyes fully because at the moment, her head was a dull ache, but she was sure the lights would cause a full blown migraine.

Spencer was holding onto her left hand with his right, his own left arm a makeshift pillow underneath his head.

On the opposite side of the room, Derek and Penelope were leaning against a wall, talking quietly. Morgan had a red Jell-O cup in his hand.

“You know, Derek,” she mumbled, softly, “I think hospital Jell-O is meant for the patients.”

They both looked over at her smiles spreading across their faces.

“Hey, kiddo,” Morgan said, matching her vocal level to not wake Spencer. “Hey doc,” he directed outside the room. “Look who’s back.”

Dr. Kimura wandered in next, standing at the edge of Lydia’s bed to speak to her. “Hey, Dr. Ambers. How are you feeling?”

“What happened?” she asked, glancing between her friends and the doctor.

“You’re gonna be alright,” Morgan prefaced. “And we got Brown. It’s over.”

“And the other patients? Did any of them…?”

“The four who were still alive are on the mend,” Garcia finally said, anxious to spread joy after the day she’d had. “You were right, Lydia. You saved them.”

“I didn’t-”

“Uh-uh,” Morgan interrupted. “I will have none of that. You put a lot on the line to find that cure. To find Brown. We all got a happy ending after what you did. Bask in it for a minute.”

She rolled her eyes teasingly and turned to check in on her boyfriend once more. He was still peacefully sleeping across his elbow, his long hair shielding his eyes from her.

“He was very worried for you,” Dr. Kimura told her.

“I was worried about him,” was all Lydia said, gently squeezing his hand.

“How long do you think you two are going to do this back and forth thing?” Morgan teased. “One of you is always worried about the other.”

“When we lose our impulse control,” Lydia replied, but stopped, thinking of something better. “When we lose our hearts.”

Tags: @kris-stuff​, @wooya1224​, @bispences​, @anotherr-fine-mess​, @eddysocs​

[reachexceedinggrasp]

Okay, so for my clannibal people, I have two recs where something very like The Dynamic has recently appeared in media. The first one has far more caveats than the second, but the first one is also the one where the ship is canon and has kissing.

The Method a Russian series from 2015 (it’s on Netflix). It’s about a young ingenue who decides to become a cop because of lingering trauma around an unsolved violent parental death (check), she’s accepted as the protege of an eccentric genius (check) through somewhat shady circumstances with some kind of ulterior motive (check). He, the eccentric genius, is not a serial killer- he’s a detective, but he is an absolute human disaster whose erratic behaviour and extremely questionable morals are tolerated by the police because they can use him as a weapon. He has totally killed people.

‘Byronic Hero’ is a vast understatement.

This show is grim, graphic, and very dark; it takes an extremely dim view of humanity in general and it doesn’t provide the hope or catharsis that Clannibal does- the protagonist does not get to have it all, so be forewarned on that. The implicit worldview and assumed ethical framework of the series is honestly appalling and the main characters are all fairly reprehensible by the end, so if you’re not prepared to deal with a whole lotta ugliness I would say don’t watch it.

The selling point to me is that the characters are interesting and the ship is very compelling. Again, it’s canon, so you will get satisfaction, but the actual romance is somewhat subtextual most of the time. Their connection is the lynchpin of the series, but it’s more about the protagonist’s ‘education’ into his world and an exploration of what that world is than it is focussed on them falling in love. He has no illusions or intentions about having a future (with her or otherwise), he’s trying to pass on his ‘method’ to a worthy successor, so his attitude is heavily informed by that. She is being broken of what idealism she ever had (told you it was grim).

Anyway, their relationship is very fucked up and the series has a legit horrifying (also aggressively stupid) conception of what mental illness is like, but it was very engaging and it was totally unapologetic about the romanticism of the dark love story, so there is a lot there for you if you want to see something like a Clannibal dynamic again. Just don’t expect the positive turn or healing. The ending is not happy or hopeful in any sense. You could make a good argument it’s a full-on tragedy, though I don’t think that’s quite the intent. And the tragedy is Titus Andronicus. If that gives you an indication of how grim we’re talking.

The plot does completely fall apart by the end (it’s like if OUaT were an r-rated crime show, it becomes that much of a mess), but the acting is good and it remains very compelling because of the characters.

Tell Me What You Saw a kdrama from this year. THIS is what I’m talking about. A young ingenue decides to become a cop because of lingering trauma around an unsolved violent parental death (check), she’s accepted as the protege of an eccentric genius (check), through somewhat shady circumstances with some kind of ulterior motive (check). She has to go visit him alone in a giant, creepy old building where he is confined (ooo, new check). He, the eccentric genius, is on the side of the angels and is again not a serial killer lol. He is a legendary criminal profiler and ex-detective who spends most of the series as a somewhat morally ambiguous anti-hero. He’s brilliant, he’s troubled, he broods and plays mind games from on high, and he’s always 17 steps ahead of you. I love him. Also, crucially, he is hot:

The first six episodes have great build-up to a not-totally-unpredictable but still fairly epic twist and then, sadly, the following episode is a bit of an anti-climax from what felt like it should be the jumping off point where the series kicked into high gear but turned out to be a bunch of wandering around aimlessly in very loosely connected episodic plots. There’s narrative justification for this, but I did feel like someone slammed on the breaks and switched gears. It takes a while to regain momentum and is never quite as focussed or well-balanced again.

The pros of the series are its very strong characters played by mostly very strong actors, quality atmosphere, great action, good suspense, and loads and loads of interesting relationships brimming with potential. The one that interests me most being, of course, the one between the protagonist and the profiler. It’s pretty much exactly the clannibal dynamic- he picks her apart and challenges her for his own reasons and then comes to enormously respect her; she is at first intimidated and angry but gives as good as she gets until she reaches a point of growth where she can challenge him in return. And, in the end, he has helped her self-actualise and become who she wanted to be and she helps him heal from his past to the point she can radically alter his outlook on life.

Their relationship is ultimately very positive for both and remains central to the series throughout. There are complicated feelings at play that are given some time in the spotlight, but it is sadly underdeveloped from what it should have been imo. Especially on his side. And there is no romance or explicit attraction, though I think the show supports her at least having a crush on him. If it had ‘gone there’ it would not have shocked anyone, let’s put it that way. They could have gone there. It is one of those flawed canons with good characters super ripe for fic. (Please watch this show and write fic so I can read it, is what I’m saying.)

The cons are that the story ends up being ridiculous on multiple levels and there are some intensely irritating moments of characters being profoundly idiotic and unreasonable just to keep the plot going. Incoherent motivation, mainly for the heroes, is a BIG problem. Apparently rampant police incompetence (including from all the main characters) is the second biggest problem. There is a fantastic female character who is the team leader for our main cops and she gets hit with both of these possibly the worst of anyone. The big reveal about her also makes no fucking sense. There was a maybe cliché but perfectly serviceable route they could have gone instead without changing anything, it seemed like they were setting it up, but they just go with... nothing. And in retrospect this undermines her entire character for the whole series. Which hurts because she was genuinely awesome.

So yeah. There are logic problems and all three ongoing major questions in the overarching story basically have terrible ‘solutions’, but it is extremely well-made in every other respect and the characters remained compelling enough that I couldn’t stop watching. The single-episode mysteries are usually very good with good pacing and satisfying resolutions. It’s consistently entertaining despite the frustration and it manages to pull out a fucking GREAT A+++++ ending right when you’re about to get super pissed off about more deterministic grim teenage nihilism ruining everything. The protagonist got to learn from all her experiences without losing her optimism, rise above adversity and be rewarded for her faith, and it was honestly so nice to get that. So unexpectedly hopeful and uplifting. I love a story that gets dark but never despairs.

If they make a second series with the same cast, I will be there with bells on.

[trochantertales]

I won’t take up 30 posts with this but rather do it all in one sitting. It’ll be good to evaluate myself properly for the first time in awhile. 

1. cw: 129 - haven’t done body measurements in a couple weeks. Will update soon.

2. 5′10″, Yes I’ve always liked being tall. 

4. Doing permanent damage to my body.

5. I miss how I felt when I was in the depths of this years ago. I know that sounds crazy. But that time is almost romanticized. I had little real world responsbilities, I was reading and creating things, and in school, and meeting my favorite people, and thin, and working out, and excelling in my sports, and it was all so perfect. I want some of that back. I believe I’d feel more confident for myself and for my boyfriend if I was thinner now too. Elegantly thin. A sharp jawline and sleek collar bones, highlighted from the light leaking in from the window. Like being thin would suddenly make me profoundly interesting too...   

6. No

7. No, They are aware of my past with restrictive eating and would be very concerned. They know I’m not eating sugar for health reasons but thats it. 

8. Yoga, Spinning, Hiking, and try to run but Im not very good at it. (I aim for daily workouts, but I don’t always get that in. Although I just ordered a spin bike for my home!!!)

9. The only comment I can really recall was pre ED when I was less conscious of my body and my mom kindly pointed out my jeans were too tight because it was squeezing my hips out the top. I know it wasn’t anything critical or negative. She was trying to do me a kindness so I didn’t dress unflatteringly. And I am grateful for that. But more than any negative comments, I always was the skinny friend, and I longed for those comments to continue. 

10. Eating out with friends. ED’s are incredibly lonely. 

11. I can’t recall the blog or her username, but I can see her profile photo in my mind. She was quite popular on blogger back in the day. Looking for new blogs to follow currently if you have any great suggestions. 

12. Nothing for breakfast. Smoothies or 1/2 veggie sandwich or granola bar for lunch. Veggies or small grilled chicken or eggwhite omlette for dinner. 1 small square of dark chocolate to satisfy sweet tooth. 

13. Both. My therapist always told me I liked to play both doctor and patient. I like to skirt a fine line, I restrict (currently just minimal daily food, but in the past would fast for a day, or days, or a week, the longest was just over 2 weeks). I was unhealthy but never dipped into a place that was too dangerous. I never wanted to die. I just want to be thin. I also love to work out, so I find a balance between restricting and working out. 

14. I think I’d like to be around 115 or 110. When I was down there previously of course I wanted to keep on losing. But I think thats a reasonable goal for myself. 

15. Im mostly vegetarian. We only eat meat on occasion. I don’t notice too much of a difference between diets for me. I feel less heavy when I dont eat meat which I prefer. Eating meat is more of a rare indulgence. 

16. End of high school. I worked at a cafe, and in the beginning it was a perk to be able to snack on things throughout the day for free. A muffin here, some chicken strips there, a small scoop of ice cream, grilled chicken salad...  At some point after eating during the work day, I grabbed a plasic spoon and went on break and tried to purge. (Its not for me). After this, I decided my path would be focused on restricting. I remember going to my high school boyfriends house and telling him so proudly that I had only had a smoothie and a cliff bar the entire day. I was hooked from there. 

17. Yes. My therapist was not one who liked the make an official diagnosis. Although she categorized me somewhere along the lines of EDNOS with Anorexia Nervosa tendencies. 

18. Certain foods really stand out to me. My friends’ moms fried chicken. My fried tacos. Almost anything sweet. Chips. Perfectly buttered toast. They all represent something to me, but I’m relatively good at distracting myself now. Only rarely do I give in to these temptations. 

19. It’s been over a year since I’ve had fast food (as in a drive thru business). The only one I really liked was Taco Bell (and chic fil a but stopped going there years and years ago for political reasons). Ever since I really focused on clean and organic foods, fast food hasn’t appealed to me. 

20. A healthy diet of veggies and fruits is always nice and refreshing. A diet program I turn to most often is the ABC diet. 

21. Pants (used to be 25, currently a 27/28). Shirt (a S but I prefer M or L for a baggy fit). 

22. My lowest weight was around 110-113. I gained while in therapy several days a week and focusing on my passions in life. Things were going really well in my life and my need to control things was redirected into my athletic and creative goals. 

23. Media has a large role in motivating me to remain sick. Im not so sure it was a role in me wanting to lose weight. Once I was ill I rewatched Girl Interrupted, Thin, Intervention, Whats Eating You, Super Slim Me, Supersize vs Superskinny, Biggest Loser etc. over and over and over again. 

24. I don’t believe anyone who suffers from an ED is For any of this. I think it more accurately describes an individual as “actively-Ana” or “acitvely-Mia.” 

25. I’ve only successfully purged once. As I said earlier, it’s not my thing. My friend who struggles more with bulimia suggested I could try using a toothbrush and tickle my tonsils. After a lot of gagging and sweat, I was able to purge a good amount of my meal. But I hated the idea of eroding my esophageal lining. And in the end, restricting was just easier for me. Tidier. More control. More discipline. Reflected my personality more. 

26. A different kind of confidence, and a certain mentality that I truly miss in my creative process. 

27.  If I can avoid it like, avoid going into the kitchen to grab something, then its very easy. It tests me when sitting around a table filled with snacks. So if I can keep my hands occupied with a hydroflask of water, thats what I focus on. And I’m always in my head from the beginning of meal. Who am I wish. What are we eating. What else have I eaten today. What else do I have to eat today. How many calories is the meal. How many calories can I afford to eat. etc etc. And when I have a plan, I stick to it. 

28. Yes. I’ve always had a thigh gap growing up and even through my 20s. Only in very late 20s and 30 have I felt the very top of my thighs rub together if I walk a certain way and it makes me feel seriously ill. I miss the days of standing with my feet tightly together, upright, butt tucked (not sticking out like IG influencers for better angles), and still having a gap. 

29. Passionate Brilliant people with an unwavering sense of self. 

30. Ill continue to update my stats, especially since I did this all in 1 go vs over a month. 

[crystalelemental]

Antagonists of Elibe

When I was writing up the Limstella character piece, there was a point I wanted to fit in but couldn’t find a good way to introduce without breaking the flow.  My wife insisted I should make a separate post about it, so here it is.  The main point is that, across both Elibe games, a big emphasis seems to be placed on empathy and understanding the other side of things, and how that ties in to the antagonists, how they’re presented, and why each outcome is so impactful to me, personally.

Empathy in Elibe Starting with the main prospect, I think empathy is kind of a central theme for Elibe.  Not in a specific sense, but in the broad sense of having empathy and compassion for all life, not just your own.  Our protagonists, Eliwood and Roy, are almost entirely defined by their kindness, understanding, and acceptance of others.

Eliwood’s supports with Ninian are entirely around this.  Ninian is hesitant with him at first, and with others, given her history.  Her mother was killed in a war with humans, the remainder of her people were driven into exile beyond the dragon’s gate, and as a high-profile oracle in their world, she deals endlessly with the dragons who seek revenge upon humans to reclaim their world.  Dragons and humans have always seemed to have bad blood for one another.  Yet here’s Eliwood, who can honestly tell her that her background doesn’t matter.

Ninian: “It’s strange.  All of you treat my brother and me so...normally.  Doesn’t it bother you?  Our powers, our looks.  We’re different from...people...” Eliwood: “Has that been bothering you?  What’s wrong with being a bit different from other people?  When I look at you, I don’t see other people.  I see Ninian.  A normal, kindhearted girl.”

The entire basis of their relationship is because they can look past the differences, and find commonalities.  They’re able to see the good in the other, and that in turn paves the way for Roy.

Roy is similarly able to see the good in everything.  He comes to the aid of others, and seeks to protect all life, not just his own.  This culminates in his battle with Zephiel, his proclamation of faith in the good in humans, and finally his decision to protect and save Idunn.  The entire focus of these games is about a family starting to correct the ills of the past, and reaching out to the other side in friendship.  Sound familiar?

I feel like Fire Emblem, as a series, really likes to play with this.  It’s the entire basis for the Tellius games, and is the central theme of Fodlan, which is why I believe Claude’s route is the true route.  But that’s something for another day.  The main reason I bring this up is to shift into the antagonists, and how their actions and histories play with the central theme.

Zephiel I’m gonna start with Zephiel, since I have the least to talk about with him.  Zephiel’s history is that, as a child, he excelled as a leader, a soldier, at pretty much everything.  Yet his father only hated him for it.  He believed that Zephiel could not possibly be his legitimate heir, and felt jealousy toward Zephiel’s accomplishments.  So much so that he tried to have Zephiel assassinated.  Twice, if Binding Blade’s explanation if different from the event in Blazing Blade.  Zephiel has grown up surrounded by hate, even within his own race.  Humans from different countries can’t even get along, and everything with them is about seizing power and siding with those who are strong.  The entire progression of Biding Blade is to accentuate Zephiel’s point: every minor antagonist sides with Bern for selfish motivations.  Humans can’t be trusted, so we should turn leadership over to dragons, who will do a better job.

Roy disagrees, and because we’ve lived the adventure with him, we can see Zephiel’s point, but we also see Roy’s.  Whenever something has gone off course, humans corrected the problem.  Turning leadership over to dragons to rule is just keeping the same problem, but changing which hand is holding it.  Dragon leadership alone would be no better, and the true ending route confirms this belief.  We learn about the earthly dragons, how they chose to lead and respond to the Scouring, and the lengths they went to.  They’re no better than humans.  They were willing to torture a child into becoming a living weapon for them, claiming survival.  But we know from Blazing Blade, if survival were all they sought, they could have fled beyond the Dragon’s Gate.  This was an act of domination against humans, and Zephiel’s aim was to facilitate that dominance.

Zephiel serves as a villain because he fails to empathize with the full picture.  He’s simply lashing out at humanity, which has done awful things to him, in fairness.  But he’s willing to deny any wrongdoing on the part of dragons, and willingly uses Idunn as a tool of war, just as the dragons did before.  That’s the villain path.  Even if Zephiel truly believed that humans are better off living under dragon control.  Even if Zephiel believes that dragons were less cruel than humans.  The fact that he’s willing to sacrifice and use the lives of others to achieve an ambition is where he’s gone wrong.  Life cannot be sacrificed for a greater good, and that alone is what sets Zephiel up as the villain.

Nergal Nergal is very similar to Zephiel, but in a different direction.  For those not familiar with his history, Nergal was alive at the time of the Scouring.  He was a practitioner of the dark arts, who had married a dragon, and even had two children with said dragon.  However, when the Scouring was picking up, his wife was captured by humans.  Nergal set out to get her back, but left his children on the Dread Isle near the Dragon’s Gate, and told them to pass through it if he hadn’t returned in ten days’ time.  Though he sought to keep them safe if he failed, the end result was that Nergal was too late to save his wife, and then too late to return to his children.  His family was gone.  For hundreds of years, he wandered the world, until he met Athos, a hero of the Scouring.  They traveled together for a time, and eventually found Arcadia, a hidden oasis in the desert where humans and dragons lived in harmony.  It was here that Nergal found the secret art of manipulating quintessence, known only to dragons, and likely divine dragons.  Using this art, Nergal would kill living creatures, and began to create Morphs, entities with human likeness, but allegedly no emotion or drive beyond serving their creator.  I talked a lot about whether this is true in the Limstella analysis, so please refer to that for the rebuttal.

The point is, given the history, Nergal is set to be a sympathetic villain, much like Zephiel.  He lost his entire family to a meaningless war, found a way to possibly revive his wife, then loses his reason for this and seeks only power.  It’s a tragedy, right?  Well, yes, but honestly I think there was no other outcome.

When you dig into Nergal, there’s one thing that’s clear: Nergal steadily lost himself.  It wasn’t all at once.  When Athos confronts him, it’s unlikely he’s lost himself completely by this.  And even if he had, starting out, Nergal knew what he was doing.  He weighed the choice, and determined that sacrificing other life to bring back his wife was a good trade.  There’s no empathy for other life, only its use for his own purposes.  He doesn’t see past his trauma.

What’s more, Morphs clearly have souls.  They think and feel.  Limstella’s dialogue makes this clear, Kishuna’s existence makes this clear, Canas and Renault’s supports make this clear.  Yet it’s very directly stated that Nergal creates his Morphs, then abandons them.  Unless they’re part of his ultimate goal, he has no use for them.  And he makes a lot.  When Kishuna was created, he was, I believe, #252.  This was when Nergal still had care for his successful creations, as opposed to the later flashback where he’s telling Kishuna to rot as a worthless creation.  Even before Nergal devolved to the point of only seeking power, he was creating life and casting it aside, as if it were nothing.  He even tells Kishuna that “it won’t do to refer to you as a number,” implying that most of his creations are just numbers.  He thinks very little of other life, even from the start.  There was never enough care for others, and thus this path to villainy was almost guaranteed.

The Limits of Empathy The previous two antagonists bring up a compelling thought: what are the limits of empathy?  When has a person gone too far to give consideration to the past and circumstances that led them here?  I think Eliwood’s confrontation with Nergal sums it up nicely:

Nergal: “It confirmed some things for me.  That trust brings betrayal.  That friends bring weakness!” Eliwood: “If that’s what you learned from your encounter, then you are a fool.  Do you believe for a moment, than when Athos struck down his dearest friend, he felt nothing?!  His heart was torn in two, and yet you refused to understand that!  Nergal!  I will defeat you! Here!  Today!  But, even now there is no hatred in my heart.  You, who were born human.  You, who lost the heart that defines your humanity...  For you, I have nothing but pity.”

There are two answers.  One is “never.”  Even at the end of their conflict, Eliwood never holds hate for Nergal.  After everything, there’s still a level of human connection that triumphs over hatred.  The second is, when they become dismissive of other life.  Nergal was always dismissive, and when Athos fought against him, all he learned was that friends betray you, rather than that his actions were wrong.

I’ve only played Binding Blade once (as opposed to the like 50 times I’ve played Blazing Blade), but I don’t recall Roy holding any hatred for Zephiel, or anyone else, either.  Rather, he recognizes that what they’re doing brings harm to people, and seeks to stop them because he must.

That’s the limit these games suggest.  When someone is actively endangering life, using life as a tool for their own gains.  That’s when you can’t let understanding of their circumstances stay your hand.  But it’s equally important to never lose that empathy, that heart that defines humanity.

Idunn Idunn is the odd antagonist out, and my personal favorite of the three.  Idunn’s history is...honestly the opposite of the other two.  She embodies the first answer but neglects the second.  Idunn is a divine dragon.  During the Scouring, the earthly dragons sought aid from the divine dragons, requesting the creation of War Dragons.  They were losing the war because dragon reproduction is significantly longer than human reproduction, and so they were essentially outnumbered.  War Dragons could be spawned by divine dragons, likely in a similar fashion to the creation of Morphs, and could turn the tide of the war.  The divine dragons refused the request, and left Elibe entirely.  Except one.

Idunn was the only one to hesitate.  As it’s explained in the endgame of Binding Blade, she felt empathy for the earthly dragons, and worried about their circumstances.  This allowed them to catch her, and subsequently destroy her soul, creating the Demon Dragon that would obey their commands to flood the world in War Dragons.  When the dragons lost the war anyway, Idunn was sealed away for 1000 years, until Zephiel awakened her.  Zephiel then used her to again bring War Dragons into the world, in an effort to turn the world over to dragons. 

Idunn is such a unique case to me, because the only defining personality trait we get from her is her empathy.  She couldn’t just abandon the earthly dragons without attacks of conscience.  Yet because of that, she was captured and betrayed.  The divine dragons were right to leave the earthly dragons behind, knowing what they would do.  Perhaps it’s because Idunn was young, or perhaps it’s because she was a divine dragon and had never associated with the earthly dragons or humans, but she didn’t understand that some people could be cruel.  She didn’t realize that, despite feeling that empathy for the dragons, there was a good reason to turn them down.

It also established another important point.  Jahn, the last dragon standing with Idunn, expresses that dragons don’t have emotions, and that dragons and humans could not possibly live together because of these differences.  He calls Brunnya incomprehensible, and seems to look down on emotion as a weakness exclusive to humans.  Yet we see that empathy from Idunn, we’ve seen Arcadia where humans and dragons do coexist, and in Blazing Blade we see Ninian and Nils, who are definitely expressive.  Jahn seems to have internalized this sense of hatred toward humanity, such that he rejects any possible similarities to connect with.  Jahn is a symbol of the hatred the dragons had toward humans, and likely that humans felt toward dragons.  Idunn and Jahn together paint the picture that dragons and humans are more alike than they seem, and that the earthly dragons made a choice to continue the fighting, and to continue hating humans.

This isn’t lost on Roy, either, whose final act is one of compassion.  In absolute threat level, Idunn is a bigger risk to keep around than Zephiel ever was.  Zephiel started a war, but Idunn had the potential to endlessly flood the world with war dragons, and end humanity entirely.  Yet in applied threat...Idunn was never a threat at all.  She was a victim of the war, someone who never sought to hurt anyone, and never had a choice in her role.  Comparatively, Zephiel and Jahn both cast aside consideration for her and others, and sought to use her as a weapon for their own ends.  Roy’s final act is stopping Idunn from carrying out her orders, but then saves her life, bringing her to Arcadia to restore her soul.  Chronologically, this is when the mistakes of Elibe’s past are finally righted, and relations between humans and dragons can begin on a grander scale.  In any other circumstance, had someone cast aside empathy when doing what needed to be done, Idunn would be killed and a threat removed.  It is specifically because Roy maintains empathy toward others, even his enemies, that old wounds can finally heal.

Conclusions Elibe is still my favorite.  Blazing Blade may have been my first game, but I really feel it holds up, even now.  While there are people who say the stories aren’t that strong, or that the casts aren’t that strong, I feel like what stands out with Elibe is how it integrates its themes and the understandable nature of their villains.  A lot of games in the series either don’t go for sympathetic villain, or try in a way that doesn’t quite hit home.  The Blades games manage to present villains with a compelling and sympathetic history, while simultaneously expressing that some people are beyond redemption.  And I think that’s a good balance to strike.  It’s important to always consider what impacts another, and what their lives were like.  But there have to be limits in what’s tolerated based on a sympathetic past, and sometimes you do have to stand against someone who’s wrong, no matter what they’ve been through.  But at the end of the day, the one thing you can’t abandon is that empathy for others.  Even when taking a stand against evil, hate can’t be the reason you do so.

[arcticdementor]

The battle for the survival of the United States of America is upon us. It has not come in the form of traditional civil war. There are no uniformed armies, competing flags, or alternate constitutions. The great showdown is not being fought within the physical limits of a battlefield. It is instead happening all around us and directly to us. It defines our culture, sustains our media, and gives new shape to our public and private institutions. In this fight, there is no distinction between what was once known as the culture war and politics rightly understood. The confrontation stretches through time and space, reframing our distant past even as it transforms the horizon, erupting from coast to coast, and constraining our lives in subtle and obvious ways. And it’s happening too fast for us to take its full measure.

For partisans, it often feels as if everything stands or falls on the ideological battles of the day. But this is different. This is objectively real, and it’s remaking the nation before our eyes.

We know it’s different this time because the stakes are continually articulated by the enemies of the current order. They are demanding, and in some cases getting, a new and exotic country. The police are indeed being defunded. The statues are coming down. The heretics are being outed. The dissenters are being silenced. The buildings are burning, and the demands are ever growing.

…

If it wasn’t clear in late May and early June, it should be well understood by now that we are in the throes of a genuine revolution of the most extravagant sort. Like messianic revolutionaries of the past, the revolutionary mob of the 21st century is out to “remake the world.” Their compass is “no longer pointed at one thing.” It’s aimed in all directions at once. As Thomas Paine said approvingly of France in 1791, “it is the age of revolutions, in which everything may be looked for.” A mission so grandiose demands the most radical assault on the current order, and changing the world begins with changing one’s country. So it was in France in 1789, Russia in 1917, and China in 1949. And this is especially so if one’s country is seen as the seat of the present evil and is also the most powerful nation on the planet. This is, then, most fundamentally a revolution against the United States of America and all it stands for.

And yet, we seem to be treating the great unraveling as something less than a revolution. Apart from the boasts of the revolutionaries themselves, we are apt to hear characterizations of the moment as either “an opportunity for change” or, among those who are wary of it, a “fever” that will blow over in time. But what we are living through now is more consequential than any period of recent unrest, and it’s not just another leftist wave destined to roll on until it loses strength. Indeed, a revolution’s ultimate power comes from its being underestimated, tolerated, or accepted by those outside its ranks. The speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, has adopted the language of the revolution, calling federal agents “stormtroopers.” For New York Representative Jerry Nadler, anarchist violence in Portland is but a “myth.” And the media’s abiding sympathy for the revolutionary cause has become mainstream journalism’s new North Star. The great unraveling has won the tacit approval of the press, influential policymakers, and a great many ordinary Americans. It is, therefore, already remaking the world.

We tend not to recognize the revolution for what it is—first of all because it seems to lack a proper paramilitary element. Popular notions of insurgency involve images of AK-47s, organized bands of armed men, and the general flavor of war. But in truth, the current revolution has drifted much further into this territory than the media care to admit. The Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ), the anarchist territory formerly established in Seattle, boasted a provisional armed “security” force. Weeks after CHAZ was dismantled, Seattle police responding to a riot uncovered a cache of weapons including explosives, bear spray, spike strips, and Tasers. Antifa members not only routinely dress in similar black garb but have come to rely on a crude but dangerous arsenal of improvised fire bombs, fireworks, rocks, bricks, and frozen water bottles. In New York, three rioters were arrested for throwing Molotov cocktails at police vehicles. Revolutionaries in cities around the country have shown up to “protests” with rifles and assorted arms.

The revolution lacks martial discipline but not a body count. Three weeks in, some 20 people had been killed during riots alone. The number has climbed steadily since. Within the brief life of Seattle’s CHAZ, there were four shootings and two deaths. You can add to these the hundreds dead (overwhelmingly African-American) in major cities due to new policing restrictions. And this is to say nothing of the multitude of nonfatal injuries, including hundreds suffered by law enforcement. Among these is the likely permanent blinding of three federal agents in Portland whose eyes were targeted with high-power lasers.

The cost of revolutionary violence in destroyed property and ruined livelihoods has been gargantuan, somewhere in the billions of dollars and climbing ever higher. And if you don’t think vandalism is a sufficiently revolutionary act, you’d do well to note that the term “vandalism” itself was coined during the French Revolution to describe the ruination of the country at the hands of the sans culottes.

…

Some have been prone to discount the revolution as a mere by-product of seemingly larger national woes. In the run-up to the riots, the nation suffered from a dispiriting pandemic and a paralyzing lockdown. As a result, we went from 3.5 percent unemployment to 14.7 percent in two months. For more than a decade, political polarization has been growing and faith in American institutions has been plummeting, both trends sped up and magnified exponentially over the course of the Trump presidency.

But these overarching conditions don’t vitiate the sincerity or salience of the revolutionary cause. To the contrary, they mimic precisely the classic circumstances under which revolutions have been birthed. It is in soil fertilized by decayed public trust that revolutions take root—whether or not those revolutions actually address the source of destabilization. One year before the onset of the French Revolution, France saw a totally failed harvest. One month before, a devastating hailstorm nearly wiped out national yields again. These disasters along with broad French distrust of the church and other institutions outside the monarchy all contributed to the fall of the king. Illness and disease have also been classic contributors to revolution. In 1917, St. Petersburg, ground zero for the Russian Revolution, was considered the unhealthiest major city in Europe. Its ongoing woes included a deadly cholera epidemic only a few years earlier.

…

The revolution’s left-liberal targets, in the media and the academy and mass entertainment, have been quick to adapt—some out of genuine sympathy with the cause, others hoping to protect their political standing, and still others out of abject fear. In China, few dared criticize violent Red Guard gangs for fear of seeming unsympathetic to the revolution. In the United States, rioters are furnished with every excuse the elite can muster. And the broad acceptance of the revolution in liberal institutions has resulted in a widespread pressure campaign of accusation, confession, and reeducation.

Mao sought to eradicate what he labeled the Four Olds: old customs, old culture, old habits, and old ideas—the established mental life of the country. Our own pressure campaign is shaped by similar goals. The revolutionaries have deemed American customs, culture, habits, and ideas racist. And instead of Mao’s Little Red Book to guide them in the ways of the proletariat, they have Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility, which shows them all the hidden places where racism is to be found and rooted out.

…

For those not being re-educated by the state or canceled by the media mob, that is, for ordinary low-profile Americans, there are other channels of coercion. In the New York Times, writer Chad Sanders recommends interfamilial blackmail. In a June 5 op-ed, he suggested to white people: “[Send] texts to your relatives and loved ones telling them you will not be visiting them or answering phone calls until they take significant action in supporting black lives either through protest or financial contributions.” This, too, is straight out of the Cultural Revolution, during which Chinese were compelled to shun and turn against any family members with even the most remote connections to the wrong ideas.

_____________

What to do? Those of us who stand opposed to the revolution and its aims harbor the hope that the revolutionaries will “eat each other alive” or that their mixed motivations, outlandish ideas, and repellent actions will ultimately blow up the movement from within. But such internal dynamics can serve to refine, not kill off, revolutions. Revolutionary France was a perpetual and bloody power struggle between parties such as the Hébertists, Thermidoreans, and Jacobins. Such competition ensured that, in the long run, the fiercest elements came out on top. The same can be said of the battles between the Mensheviks, the Left SR, and the Bolsheviks of Russia. The Cultural Revolution was itself a sustained effort to wrench and secure control of the Chinese Communist Party. And in all these cases, important nonrevolutionary fellow travelers found reason to make common cause and go along with the winners at any given moment. Judging from history (and the present), it is unlikely that the revolution will self-destruct.