#or if they can’t SENSE boundaries they at least like. have the ability to observe and make connections

[inksandpensblog]

“Putting characters in messed up situations” isn’t enough. I need to put characters in situations with obstacles that are designed to herd them towards one horrible outcome…and watch them shine as they navigate a way around the obstacles to an outcome that’s not as horrible as it could’ve been.

[flickeringart]

Uranus in the houses

Descriptions could be relevant for houses with the cusp in Aquarius or houses that contain Aquarius

1st house: This house is related to self-image, persona and outwardly projected identity. It represents the point of entrance into the world, the point of birth and emergence from the undifferentiated source as a singular entity. Uranus here points to someone that is not very happy with the denseness of physicality. The person is restless and fidgety, running on high voltage. It’s almost as if there’s more energy to the person than is able to integrate into their being. The person could be impulsive and might give off a vibe of wanting to “level up”, get out of the old and jump on board with the new. Coming into life might’ve been particularly jarring for the individual in one way or another. Perhaps the birth was abrupt and unexpected, fast and overwhelming. Since the 1sthouse represents beginnings, this person might find himself or herself thrown into new contexts and situations rapidly without much time to lean into things slowly. There’s something within that can’t stand how things are and must uproot and move on but it’s questionable if there ever was any rootedness to begin with. The energy of the person runs high, but it’s unpredictable and unreliable. It can prove difficult for this person to follow conventional norms, not necessarily because the motivation is lacking but because there’s an inexplicable urge to switch things up and change gear. Changing gear is a good metaphor for Uranus in general because once you’ve changed you’re on a completely different level of experience. This kind of person is in their own lane, going at their own pace in their own way. While “in the mode” one can accomplish a lot of things by virtue of being in a certain mind frame but once the mind frame changes the behavior and patterns of action are conducive to something else. The person is predictable to an extent, but there’s no way of knowing how long that “mode” will last. One is showing up in life from a certain standpoint but that standpoint might alter and then there’s nothing anyone can do about it – conforming is not something that is easily done for this type of individual. No amount of pushing or coercing from others will get the person out of their state. It’s a little bit like trying to reach an airplane by stretching one’s arms up and shouting. Once the person has “switched” there’s little connection to the previous context. It can be exciting to be around these individuals because they have the ability to switch the way they present themselves to the world by getting into completely different states of being on the flip of a dime. Needless to say it can also be unnerving. They come off as charming, a bit distant, quirky, somewhat irrational but stubbornly determined, completely unique and original. They can come off as detached from reality and fixed in their own perspectives. They are distinctly more open and easy to be oneself with than most.

2nd house: This house is related to value, safety and control on a tangible level. It has to do with one’s talents and one’s ability to generate wealth, to acquire money and possessions. Uranus in this house can make a person experience unpredictability when it comes to their income. It might be difficult for this person to create stability because of the inexplicable urge to break out of limiting structures regardless of the safety they provide. The person might find themselves in circumstances where it’s impossible to find a foothold in the world; there might be constant ambivalence around how things are going to work out financially and materially. This is the type of person that could have a lot going for them one month and then suddenly everything is switched up and there’s no longer any desire to produce or put innate abilities to use. The person probably has great potential for living a life that is on the edge, waiting for sudden bursts of energy or insight to kick in in order to be able to have it all under control again. The annoying thing is, that one can’t predict when the impulse comes or when the light bulb goes off. There’s no way of knowing how things are going to work out over time because Uranus is an extremely erratic and disruptive planet. There’s a risk of not being the least bit practical with this placement, seeing as Uranus operates on a higher plane of thought progression rather than personal security and stability in the material realm. The risk is to be too ahead of oneself, acting on premature convictions and causing unnecessary unease because one can’t stand to keep doing the same thing. “Isn’t money an outdated concept already?” Uranus in the 2nd might be too progressive in their thought patterns and too concerned with the possibility of a better system of doing things in order to align with conventional structure. These types may be the first one’s to subscribe to new ways of earning a living, more exciting and evolved methods of putting one’s skills to use. Doing things the same way for years, working in the same place, saving money or playing it safe might not be in the cards for this person. In the extreme case, this person might get rid of all their personal possessions only because they felt bored and deemed them outdated and boring. There could be perpetual dissatisfaction with the material situation since Uranus is about potential more then manifested reality. Once everything imagined is actualized, it no longer holds any value in the person’s mind. Uranus certainly keeps the person in constant pursuit of the future, but the future never comes, as we all know. Visualizing the perfect meal or getting an idea for the perfect way to decorate the living room might be very satisfying but when seen in the “flesh” it all seems very unappealing. It’s difficult to satisfy Uranus in the 2nd, but it’s a positive thing in the sense that it keeps the person reaching for the ultimate physical translation of the perfect thought version. One could be prone to be unintentionally careless with material objects, causing breakage easily and wearing things out because of the unrealistic expectations on the physical objects somehow survive despite themselves and their frailty.

3rd house: This house relates to communication, interaction with the environment, siblings, neighbors, as well as learning and early education. It’s basically the house of everyone and everything that one relates to mentally on a daily basis. Uranus makes for quite a highly charged mental sphere being placed here. There’s potentially a lot of changes and disruptions of the way one is interacting from day to day – it’s difficult to fit in or mold oneself to the pace and jargon of one’s close circle. The person might have a lot of unusual or unconventional methods of relating and is prone to bewilder and stir people up. It might be difficult to make friends, or rather, keep them, because of the unreliable pattern of relating. However, there’s the promise of being very exciting and surprising. Because Uranus is so characteristic of creative freedom this type of person might be a bit of a loner. One needs to be or do whatever one wants even if it means disrupting the status quo. The mold that conventional education forces on individuals might not work well with this kind of person. There needs to be more freedom and openness for originality and rapid changes of pace. This is the kind of person that is rebellious without trying to be, unable to relate in a consistent manner. One lacks boundaries for how to be in and conceive of the environment, which makes for potentially genius ways of operating and thinking. Albert Einstein had this placement (according to astrotheme.com) and his observation and ability to step out of the boundaries of conditioned thinking led him to great discoveries. Learning is done through lightning speed in bursts of insight with this placement. Lightning strikes from above and an idea has hatched that other people have a hard time understanding. These people might prefer being observers of people and the environment rather than actively engaging. They might relate to things with a cold and seemingly uncaring energy. This is because the mind is very far up in the sky of potentials and ideas, far removed from the fixed and permanent reality of the earth plane. Other people might feel as if they’re being related to as concepts rather than physically manifested beings. The very thing that makes these people revolutionary thinkers (and creative odd balls) will perhaps get them into difficulties when trying to adapt and fit into the environment they find themselves in. Since the 3rd house is about communication, these people might dress contrary or despite of the norm, use body language that is a bit eye-catching, and appear in a way that’s considered to be shocking and provocative. It’s not necessarily that they’re trying to be different; it’s just that they have very open minds and doesn’t see the purpose of performing within limits. If an idea and concept appeals, it’s not any less valid than the preexisting set of unspoken rules of conformity. Blending in is too boring and dull, it doesn’t allow for free thinking and free living.

4th house: This house relates to roots, family, home and the ancestral past. It’s the place at the bottom of the chart, hidden from view, constituting relational foundation, our emotional base, our heritage and sense of deep belonging. When Uranus is here, home is potentially something distant, something that is more conceptual and abstract rather than concrete. The sense of belonging isn’t very stable. Although it can be captured every now and then it is very ambivalent. Usually one’s sense of home is anywhere and everywhere or perhaps so far removed from reality that it doesn’t seem to exist at all. The people of one’s family and family past are experienced as individuals, not as inextricable marks on one’s soul. In a sense, the universe is these people’s home, they might feel unusually connected to the people of the world and deriving their sense of containment from larger movements and units rather than the family of origin. They’re children of the universe first and foremost – perhaps very much inclined to find people they really feel connected to and make them their base rather than focusing too much on the blood relatives. These people might change residence often, feeling too restless to settle anywhere or with anyone for too long. It’s likely that the people of one’s family were never truly present even they were in close proximity physically during the formative years. The family is never “had” in the real world, but ever present in the realm of potential. It can make for a dissatisfaction to never be able to be in the same space or feel any real emotional closeness to one’s family. Unpredictability and disruption might’ve been characteristic of the familial sphere. On a more positive note there could’ve been a space of high openness and room for unconventional and highly original streaks. Independence might be deeply rooted in this type of person who might be trying to find a connection to a deeper identity through going against the grain. Again, being a “rebel” is not necessarily intentionally pursued; it’s just a consequence of needing to be whatever one feels to constitute the path forward. Conforming is not an option, it’s deeply important to ride the wave of one’s own convictions and insights no matter how risky or unsettling it might be. “Breaking the rules” is not done out of aggression per se, it’s done because being a game changer establishes a connection with one’s soul, the archetypal father and hero myth. The 4th house is where legacies are born and carried out. Uranus is the legacy of the sky god, the creator of the universe, the maker of the blueprint, which makes these people extremely invested in progression and tuned in to the winds of change. They might be keen to generate large movements toward a cause, more in love with the expectancy than the actual manifestation of the results.

5th house: This house relates to entertainment, leisure activities, uninhibited self-expression, creativity, play, romance and children. Basically, it’s the domain of anything that is done purely to have fun and enjoy life. When Uranus is active in this sphere, there’s detachment and innovative genius in approach to play. The person might have unusual ways of finding pleasure and enjoyment that is quite different from the norm. It’s also done with an urge to construct something of novelty, something fresh and exciting that hasn’t been experienced before. Playing around with the potential of doing something or exploring possibilities mentally might be a real thrill for these types. Ideas make these people excited, especially if it’s advanced and revolutionary and can be applied universally. These people are creative thinkers and have fun when catching some wind and can elevate above the ground for a while in their minds. When they can get to a place that feels elevated in terms of concept and ideas they are having the time of their lives. There’s an urge of wanting to express something profound and precious in the mental realm – to arrive at a conceptual point of perfection. Having children could be a very appealing idea, but one would do well to remember that the idea is more appealing than the actuality – especially when it comes to Uranus. The person might take an intellectual approach to having kids, insistent on doing things as properly as possible according to modern scientific discoveries – or simply according to one’s own “elevated” objective perspective. One aims to be progressive, not only with one’s children but also in romantic pursuits. These people might have a slightly odd style of courting their love interests, certainly well thought-through but a bit special in the sense that it has an unexpected element to it. There might be a feeling of not being seen in the present “here-and-now” by these people, being treated as a component in their mental narrative of the ultimate romantic situation. In any case, Uranus in the 5th certainly takes the experience of “having fun” to the next level in terms of planning and visualizing something unique and new. One might shock a few people in the process, some may like it and some may recoil from the strangeness of it all. It is possible to completely revolutionize entertainment with this placement, coming up with something that people haven’t experienced before, going a little overboard or testing the waters of what is acceptable. If it’s paired with enough finesse and good -will, one might be warmly received as someone who can be perform something that wouldn’t seem to belong on this plane of existence. That being said, it that which is foreign and unfamiliar is not always welcomed with open arms. It’s scary – and people might want to censor one’s self-expression.

6th house: This house relates to work, employment, the practical daily activities that needs to be performed in order to sustain health and well-being over time. This house is where one manages the technicalities and details of living in order to make the expression of life more pure, clean and organized. Uranus here can’t stand routine, which might cause the individual to be unable to stick to any routine or prior commitment. There’s a deep urge to break free from that which has become tedious and unexciting and one has no way of knowing when that famous restlessness is going to kick in. The person might go a long time doing the same things, keeping the same job or sticking to a set routine but it’s never because one does so consciously, it just happens to be the “mode” one is in for the time being. It could switch at any time and the individual might find it impossible to keep doing things the same way. One has to follow the spark of inspiration because it literally goes off like lightning and won’t be denied. This might not be comfortable for the conscious self that might be adamant about sticking to a set plan and operating out of reason. There’s not much to do than to trust and hope for the best with this placement. What one should do on a given day is not set in stone, even if one attempts to be very structured and conscious of what is being done. There’s a stronger push-and-pull force that dictates the daily activities. Some days there’s a lot of energy to put into projects and chores and work and some days are void of electric charge all together. Some days one is on fire and on others there’s no energy left at all. It’s wise to take advantage of the spurs when they come and work with the erratic pattern of energetic bursts because they might prove very useful. On a more negative note, the high productivity that can be generated by Uranus in this house might lead to burn out because of the high voltage of the planet. Exhaustion might be a high risk and all the related physical symptoms that come with it, since the 6th house rules physical (and mental) health. There might be temporary ills and pains that come and go – sickness might come from “out of the blue” and then disappear without apparent reason. The body might require very specific and unexpected nourishment and one might do well to yield to the impulses and insights received in the name of health. Keeping up unconventional dietary habits could be a thing, experimentation and change in the way one manages necessary activities such as eating, sleeping and exercising would be typical of this placement. Employment might also be irregular and unconventional in some way – working odd shifts and hours, having no set schedule, having undefined and unspecified tasks, not being able to go by anyone else’s guidance etc. Uranus in the 6th would have a hard time working “for” someone because of the strong emphasis on freedom and space, it can only be done if there’s complete integrity in the subordinate position, in which case one is really not subordinate at all. There’s no such thing as obligation, there’s only modes of being, which are set and carried out. These people could be very concerned with health and daily life as an experiment, like observers studying phenomena in order to get a grip of all the intricacies and details in order to change and explore potential. The boldness of experimentation can of course get out of hand and turn destructive, so one ought to be careful.

7th house: This house relates to other people, cooperation, union and commitment. Usually that which is in the 7th in the chart is projected onto other people and sought after through engagement with “that which is other”. It’s through looking to other people that the planet is discovered in one’s own life. When Uranus is here, innovation, change and genius is encountered through cooperation and deals, whether it’s marriage, business or any other social declaration of entanglement. Uranus is discovered through the consideration of other people and their perspectives. This type of person has a very liberal and open attitude to other people and is focused on progress and change as to make things better for the sake of social well-being and harmony. It’s no wonder that successful politicians have this placement such as Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Angela Merkel (as found on astrotheme.com). One is inclined to be open and insightful in relationships, detached, rational and impersonal. Emotional bonds could be difficult to form and stability in relationships could be hard to come by for these people. Somehow, other people might get up and leave for no reason and there’s no way of being sure that anyone will stay, especially not out of dependence. This kind of person is going to have to be in partnerships that allows for a lot of freedom of expression, to the point of there not being any ties that bind at all. Uranus has such force and charge that nothing is going to go according to convention. Everything is going to be a bit odd and erratic in relationships, for better or for worse. Saying “I love you” is never a guarantee for life-long commitment because the next day Uranus might’ve switched gears and the person has fallen out of love – not by choice of course, but because the feeling is gone and the mental frame is completely different suddenly. These people crave excitement and looks for it in others. They would find people who strictly lives inside the “box” of convention to be extremely boring and painfully narrow minded. If cooperation and engagement with others doesn’t bring some kind of fresh and new perspective, if it doesn’t feel exhilarating and revolutionary, one might not be able to stick around for too long. In the case of Uranus being projected on other people and not realized as part of oneself, one might be shook by other’s unpredictable and jerky behavior. One might see potential, genius and originality in others but fail to recognize it in oneself. The great ideas and insights that come from engaging with others might add a lot to the person’s life, but one might also feel sad that these qualities are absent outside of a social context. There’s no need for this of course, because Uranus will always have to be accessed through the house that it’s placed in. On a more negative note, people with this placement might scorn and reject others for being so “up in the clouds”, inconsiderate and individualistic. “Other people are so unpredictable and unreliable” might be the narrative, when in reality one is failing to recognize the same tendencies within oneself.

8th house: This house relates to the deep end of experience, death of all kinds and transformative yet traumatic experiences. It’s related to everything that is hidden, the most private, intimate and vulnerable dimensions of life, which includes shared finances and sex as byproducts of strong emotional attachment. Uranus here makes for potentially shocking discoveries of grim, taboo or soul-shattering realities about oneself or other people. Death of loved ones, random inheritances or unforeseen debt could surface from seemingly out of nowhere in the strangest of ways. However, one might be able to deal with it in an objective and detached manner without getting too drenched and sunk by the whole experience. A lot of things related to the most intimate sphere could change very quickly without a moments notice. The most personal and deep dimensions of life are never stable for this person - but the transformation is not that severe since there’s a simultaneous distance and objectivity in one’s way of relating to death and crises. Uranus here is a bit of a contra-intuitive placement because there’s coolness in the face of the most soul-shattering experiences. It’s as if this person is looking at everything but is never completely enmeshed in the emotions surrounding it all. Objectivity and rationality is sought in order to keep things light and up in the mental realm of clarity. The transformations this person goes through are quick and life altering, at the speed of light everything is turned upside down. There’s openness and fascination for everything occult and one might have quite an alarming universal perspective in personal and deep emotional matters. Death is related to primarily as a concept – and so is intimacy. Tying oneself to another can be done, but the risk of doing so is understood from a higher perspective. It’s easy to get into states of paranoia, fearing that important attachment will be broken because there’s a push for change from below the surface. When Uranus is in the 8th, socially/societally divergent behavior might lurk in the basement of the psyche and carefully kept out of sight from the conscious self and the rest of the world. Certain impulses and urges that don’t fit into a preconceived framework might be suppressed because of early conditioning and fear of losing something or someone. These people have the capacity to get a broad and clear view of the darkest facets of life and humanity with revolutionary insights into the depths of the psyche. There’s excitement in probing deeper and uncovering more and more through personal experience but also from looking into other people’s lives, what they invest in, support and might hide from view in order to stay in control and protect their interests. These people look for the unexpected and can therefore spot things that others don’t because they’re not blinded by the veil of convention.

9th house: This house relates to knowledge that is gained through experience and exploration. It’s the house of higher learning and the intuitive search for truth. It’s the house of exploring themes and patterns through life; in essence it’s the house of studying the archetypal realm. With Uranus here, there are bound to be life-altering discoveries and insights into the themes of life, how energies express themselves through the collective and what they ultimately mean in the context of life as a whole. There might be a strong push to discover the meaning behind things in order to change it and work with it to elevate humanity in the process – especially as it relates to the mental framework of people. One might be inclined to share one’s progressive perspective and insight in order to educate people and have them get more out of life that way. Belief systems and innate knowing can be thrown out the window with this placement and replaced in a heartbeat. Other people might be confused as to what one really thinks because it depends on what gear one is driving on at the moment but it could change at any time. There’s restlessness and a strong urge to look to the future for answers and reject the “old”. Openness to experience the strangest things could be characteristic of this placement – if one is in the right “mode” or mind frame to go along with it. Stubbornness and rigidity when it comes to certain opinions and insights could be typical, although it might change very quickly and won’t stick over time. Something the person is thoroughly convinced of today might seem foolish to them tomorrow. There would be strong push to go out of one’s way to discover things, no matter how impractical and inconvenient the pursuit. There’s electricity and charge to the person’s mental pursuits, to one’s observation and efforts to extract value out of experience. Although there’s force and intensity to the process of learning about life as a whole, there’s also a peculiar detachment to the whole thing as if one isn’t part of what one is learning about. In contrast to someone with say, Moon in the 9th, Uranus in the 9th doesn’t experience the overwhelm that it means to learn and experience existence because one is the “observer” not a living and breathing merged component of the experience. With this placement one might have an unusual outlook of life and a very rare and interesting life philosophy. In fact, one would not really subscribe to any one outlook and might identify solely as the observer because one has switched perspective so many times that one knows that none are ultimately real. This doesn’t make the person discouraged, it only confirms that life is complex and multi-dimensional and that truth is nowhere to be found within the hologram of existence.

10th house: This house relates to public image, career and our personal contribution to society. It’s represents worldly purpose and outward persona. When Uranus is here, the person has a certain protruding electricity and charge – there’s a lot of energy put towards moving forward into the future in revolutionary ways. The person could have a reputation for being unpredictable, eccentric and a bit irrational as a byproduct of only seeing potential and not taking note of the limitations. The person exist “outside of the box” and is somewhat of a stranger in society, presenting far-reaching ideas that might be difficult for the average person to digest. There’s probably great openness to all kinds of people and experiences, but the person is extremely jerky and fidgety, so it’s impossible to really know when there’s going to be resistance and when there’s going to be acceptance. More than any other placement, Uranus in the 10th is an indicator of someone to catch people’s attention because it’s so potent and forceful in an electric way – it’s so unsettling and unconventional that people can’t help but turn their heads. “I’m not like everyone else” is the kind of message these people convey, consciously or unconsciously. These are extremely flighty individuals – they can be miles away, seemingly living in their own fantasy world, except that they know that everyone else is doing the same thing and they’re just not aware of it. These people are likely pinned as the odd person that has a lot of energy and unusual opinions and modes of being. They can switch gears or “roles” frequently, unable to be bound by any standardized career path and pushed to carve their own lives, take risks and live on mental impulse. They probably have no idea what they’re doing most of the time, or at least it seems like it when taking the most contra intuitive paths and moving into unpaved territory in terms of vocation and worldly achievement. Some force of the unconscious is seemingly moving these people, pushing them and compelling them to take mental leaps. The curious thing is, that once the leap is made, there’s absolute certainty because one is not merely hoping to level up, one has switched gears and is now operating on a completely different level of existence that is just as real as the previous one. These people are really the pioneers and revolutionaries of society because they radiate a collective urge for change; they shake things up, perhaps even negatively in some people’s eyes. They are symbolizing the urge to break free from old shackles and to reinvent the ways of society. People might feel uncomfortable and put up a lot of resistance to this kind of energy, because it’s disruptive and destabilizing. These people might have “weirdo” painted all over their forehead, being misunderstood and taken for extreme creative individualists with no anchoring in the norm – or they might become the “hook” for collective unconscious forces as the leader of a collective movement. In the case of the latter, the individual becomes a public image for the winds of change for better or for worse. The career might be paved with unforeseen events sudden blessings and curses, as well as unpredictable turns of the road.

11th house: This house relates to collective movements, common goals, friends and shared interests, societal change and progression. Uranus is very much at home in this house, seeing as it is the planet of large-scale revolution and change. When Uranus is here, there’s a strong awareness of the differences and commonalities of human beings and a capacity to switch between groups of people and finding a common ground with all of them. This is the type of person to jump in between social groups – not belonging to any one group but open enough to partake in all of them. The humanitarian and liberal perspective is protruding and very strong – there’s no one more open and willing to find friendship with people from all walks of life than Uranus in the 11th. It’s likely that one views the self to not belong to any specific group or class of society, but to them all simultaneously. All people are part of the human family and this is profoundly clear to this person – religion, political opinion, ethnicity, sexuality or any other factor comes second to the fact that everyone depends on one another. This person might have great ideas about how humanity should organize itself in order to benefit everyone without the blood thirsty uncivilized game that is “survival of the fittest”. Of course, primitiveness is not innately bad, but the person with Uranus here aims to view things objectively and find new ways to make everyone live in a way that benefits the whole rather than merely themselves. That being said, this person could have some unconventional ideas and highly creative solutions to certain collective issues. One might be associated with various groups of people and have great insight into their way of viewing things, their needs and convictions, their character traits and innate disposition. More than anything, this person is an observer of humanity, a person of mental understanding of the inner workings of social systems and groupings. Prince Charles, Prince William and Prince Harry all have Uranus in this house (according to astrotheme.com), which makes sense considering that they are people who are supposed to have a connection to the people – they are essentially symbolic “agents of the divine”, supposedly anchored in Christian values of brotherhood, love, compassion and respect. They are involved in various social projects and aim to improve that quality of people’s lives through their work and presence. Whether it’s successful or impactful can be up for debate but it’s certainly their intention. People with this placement will likely seek to offer guidance or insight to the masses in some way, whether it’s through expressing certain values or bringing an objective perspective to the situation that equalizes the charge within people. This type of person would be phenomenal at reminding everyone of the commonalities and shared quirks, reminding people of their basic humanity and all the problems and gifts that come with it. By being radically open and honest, other people are allowed to show their weaknesses and strengths as they are without feeling the need to fit into a box.

12th house: This house relates to the collective unconscious, undifferentiated reality and the absence of separate self. It is a house that is related to universal feeling, the truth of everything being one. This house is essentially the enemy of individuality and at the same time is the birthing place for it. The 12th is dual and paradoxical, the place where “reality” and dreams blend. With Uranus here, the person would feel as if collective forces govern his or her life to a large extent. Changes in the collective unconscious affect these people personally more than others, for better or for worse. They live in a perpetual atmosphere of Uranus, which means that mental impulses and insights flood them daily of the most new and jarring kind. The inner world is potentially absurd and strange and completely different from the mundane everyday life. In fact, these people might not find that there’s anything mundane about life because everything is a fascinating phenomena to them. There can be hidden feeling of not being of this world, of feeling things more objectively and from a standpoint of universal reality. These can be very creative individuals, able to channel some genius ideas through letting go of the defenses put up by the ego. This could potentially be done through sleep, drugs or any other method of releasing resistance. Since this house is related to hidden enemies, it might be that certain original ideas are detrimental to the separate self and to other people in one’s surroundings. Because the 12thhouse is the realm of no boundaries, doing the most destructive and weird things might come easier to these people. There’s a disruptive quality to these people that shines through their subtle aura – they’re not trying to act out of the norm but little twitches and pushes make them do things that they ultimately can’t control. In a sense, these people are sponges for collective energies and pushes for change. Adolf Hitler had this placement (according to astrotheme.com), which expressed itself extremely destructively. Uranus in the 12th reaches for the heavens and might end up in hell because ecstasy is only felt through complete disregard for the preservation of the individual even though one might argue that it is in the individual’s best interest. In a sense Uranus in the 12th is a push for societal structure and progression that comes the closest to ecstatic bliss and one might take the most insane actions to get there. On a more positive note, this placement can express itself as a positive force for changing group consciousness, and communicating a vision of a civilized and peaceful society based on humanitarian values, mutual respect and love. Whether the ideas are realistic and applicable might be another question, however, the dream of redemption can inspire people and instill hope in the darkest of times.

[middlenamesage]

Black Moon Lilith and Lilith the Character Archetype: My Reflections Coming out of Black Moon Lilith Conjunct the North Node

Following the astrological transits, both the collective and my personal, I have for a while noticed that when Black Moon Lilith is at play, it’s really hard for this to go unnoticed in my life. I always could sense this energy, I knew what it felt like, but used to find it hard to describe, or at least to dissect enough to understand with any valuable meaning.

Physically speaking, the astronomical point known in astrology as Black Moon Lilith is the point along the Moon’s orbit that is farthest from Earth (the lunar apogee), a point that changes position in the zodiac along with the changing orbit of the moon. To me it makes sense this point can be so potentially relevant to us, as all living beings are very much guided by the Moon, who keeps us in connection with each other. Out where the Black Moon is, in this metaphorical place of exile, it’s more of an “every man (or woman!) for himself!” vibe. Lilith is very much about the instinct of self preservation. It’s about resisting control or exploitation by others (and/or internalizing its effects). Often the two occur together as two faces of the same trauma. Black Moon Lilith represents the areas where life has taught us that we absolutely must advocate for ourselves. However, she can also bring shame and denial of wants wherever she is placed, or transiting, because this is something that generally develops where we have been told or shown we can’t have something.

Black Moon Lilith is in fact named for Lilith in the old testament/Jewish folklore, and the way we have come to make sense of its effects (rather, its correlations to our lives) is in considerable measure inspired by this character, and her archetype- who has many interpretations. Lilith was Adam’s first wife, before Eve, who left his ass! She refused to lie beneath him during sex, saying they were created equal. I think we can interpret this metaphorically, of course, as resistance to being controlled in many potential terms… but also literally, as there is a focus of unconstrained sexuality concerning Lilith, which I have observed has some definite relevance to the Black Moon too, but is far from the only or even the most important way to understand it.

Various legends say that after fleeing Eden, Lilith went on to become a she-demon/succubus/baby kidnapper/baby killer/so on….. (those are just the accusations I’m recalling off the top of my head). But over these many years, Lilith has picked up many other story lines, provided inspiration for phenomena such as Black Moon Lilith, and gained many evolving faces and interpretations. Other than being a religious figure, and/or a she-demon, some of her contemporary associations include witchcraft/dark magic, creative renditions in fantasy and horror, gothic culture, and the biggest switch of all, her status as the first feminist.

As a potent force from the most distant shadows of the Moon’s reach, where connection to one another is compromised and we must turn to ourselves to defend our basic natures, I’ve found that Black Moon Lilith can have both positive correlations- such as going one’s own way where it truly benefits one’s life, putting one’s foot down to mistreatment, and stepping into one’s personal power- and negative correlations such as pushing away and/or disregarding other people, general concern with defending one’s own initiatives, to the point where it is premature or anti-productive, and the shame, denial and/or rage that many have developed from being disallowed their power by others.

How we express Black Moon Lilith can be instigating healthy boundaries on one hand, and setting up unnecessary walls of defense on the other. It can be self respect on one hand, and self obsession/failure to consider others, on the other. It can be self protection on one hand, and self sabotage on the other. It can be shame and denial over who we really are/what we really want on one hand, and it can be where we liberate ourselves from shame on the other. Very often, it seems to dole out as a complicated mix of both the “bad” and the “good”.

It used to be that reflecting on my own experiences, despite my fascination with it, there was very little “good” I saw about the Black Moon’s correlations in my life. I came to associate the energy of Black Moon Lilith with a few of my “trauma responses” that have caused me to sabotage relationships. I felt she had helped me stand up for myself/walk away from people a few times when I actually needed to, but for the most part, she seemed to just make me quick to unconsciously wreck budding relationships, reject others, put up lots of walls, or not want to cooperate/compromise with others- even though this was also betraying my own desires deep down to be close with others. My natal Lilith is in Libra in my 7th house, so the relational element of her is especially relevant.

I think that this Black Moon wound of mine in the realm of partnerships has several big origins/perpetuators I can site, but one of the first and biggest that I can consciously analyze, is having internalized the messages I was told by a parent growing up (not necessarily said in as blunt of terms as I received them) that no one would ever want to be with me because I am too difficult to live with. (I was also shown this when my parents sent me elsewhere to live.) Internalizing this message about myself stripped away my personal power when it comes to partnerships. For so long I approached all relationships assuming they were damned to end before they ever got too serious (something I still do struggle with), and I long believed, a belief that at some times was not as much conscious as it was confirmed with my deeply engrained unconscious behaviors of sabotage, that a ‘true’ and committed relationship is simply something I can’t have. This long internalized belief has given rise to many of my independent behaviors in relationships... both in destructive ways that compromise my connection with others and/or alienate them, and in positive senses that protect my individuality and self respect.

Here’s the thing. I was never wrong to see my trauma responses in the force of Black Moon Lilith. Black Moon Lilith and Lilith the archetype are in fact rooted in trauma. We mustn’t trivialize that part. The defense mechanisms, rage, shame, denial, sabotage, the desire to leave people and things behind, and the general mechanisms for self-preservation which can accompany Lilith stem from instances where we have felt held down, lead to believe we don’t have power, mistreated, and in some cases even horribly abused/violated. But the reality of Black Moon Lilith’s painful origins does not make it all a bad thing! It can be a very empowering thing potentially, because where we are hurt is also where we can find the avenues for healing, and for gaining acceptance of our most authentic self and desires. And there is a very good reason we develop many of these less than savory reactions from traumatic experiences and messaging. Lilith teaches us to recognize our boundaries, and to reclaim the personal power that once was lost! - even if at times we may run too far with these prerogatives in stubborn quests for independence and personal autonomy wherever she resides.

Though I have been fascinated by and intent to ponder Black Moon Lilith for probably over a year now, my reflections on it, and later on the character Lilith for which the lunar apogee is named, have really gained a lot of new ground during this last month+ of Black Moon Lilith’s conjunction to the North Node. (Which is currently separating, but still in effect.) The Lunar North Node is another very important point in relation to the Moon’s orbit, which shows the path forward. Black Moon Lilith with the North Node in Gemini has proven too be so ripe with many new experiences for me to learn about Lilith. It’s hard to say if anything has actually changed about my relationship with Lilith, or if I am just starting to see more of the positive in her that was always there, instead of just noticing and perpetuating the glaring negative. Also, I decided it was about time to accept Lilith as a part of who I am. I can’t deny the power the associated energies and the archetype has had on my life, so I might as well embrace it- both the good parts and the parts that are a work in progress. (And that is the story of my new little stud earrings with the Black Moon Lilith symbol!)

One aspect of my relationship with Lilith that I think actually has started to bloom forth in more of a clear-cut positive way with this Lilith-North Node transit, is finding the power to actively and productively embrace a part of myself, via finding/claiming opportunities to keep cultivating this part, even though it’s meant having to disregard my reservations, and even fighting through some shame. I can see now that there is a whole world of great personal empowerment to be tapped into with Lilith, and not just in the ability to leave people behind. (But of course leaving people behind is one means she’ll employ, if it is necessary for stepping into her power!)

I have always seen myself as a writer. It’s not even by choice, and a great deal of the time, for a very long time, I have really resented this natural compulsion of mine. You see, I have a deeply complicated relationship with writing, one that undoubtedly needs some healing. Well, this Black Moon Lilith/North Node conjunction in Gemini, moving through my 3rd house of communications (and as I only found out the other day, also conjunct my natal White Moon Selena, i.e. the lunar perigee/polarity to Black Moon Lilith) ended up bringing me my first opportunities ever getting paid to write… something I guess I just used to assume I couldn’t do, due to my lack of a college degree, as well as the difficult relationship with writing and my paralyzing perfectionism. But with this transit, I placed aside my assumptions of what wasn’t possible for me, and I have some hope now that accepting the opportunity to write for other people, on subjects that generally don’t even mean anything to myself, may just turn out to be the good dose of objectivity needed to help restore some healing to my writing relationship.

Once again, where you’ll find the wounds in your relationship with your personal power, is also where you’ll find how to heal them, and use them to empower yourself and others- and that healing is really what Black Moon Lilith conjunct the North Node has been trying to facilitate for us all. Of course, the process is basically never straightforward and easy, nor all enjoyable. This transit has brought a wide range of Lilith experiences in my life to comment upon.

Some other occurrences have been: abruptly ending an extended off and on relationship with someone where there was always a good deal of power struggle (and would have been power imbalance if I had not stood my ground in a lot of instances), unconsciously driving away or creating distance with a few friends, being consciously and stubbornly persistent in putting more distance between myself and my family than ever before, and facing a couple situations providing awkward trial and error experiments in how I communicate my dissatisfaction to others who wronged me. But I know that all of these experiences are helping me to evolve, and to better understand my responses which stem from wounds that have set into me with the nature of Black Moon Lilith.

And I marvel at the fact that millions of other humans have also been going through experiences which are forcing them to confront and/or evolve their own instincts and behaviors associated with the Black Moon, whether they realize it or not.

Lilith says, “These are my boundaries[or conditions]. You will respect them, or I am outta here.” She says, ‘I know what I am capable of, so I’m gonna fight for it- even if I have to shut out other people.” The placement of our natal Black Moon Lilith shows a prominent area where power has been stolen from us, whether through physical or psychological means (and where the Black Moon is transiting can bring up these issues in other areas, as well). Lilith develops from a wound, and her determination to not feel the powerlessness again can serve as either the healing or the perpetuation of it.

* * * * * * * * * * *

P.S.

For any astro heads reading this with this knowledge of their birth chart, I welcome you to comment or reflect on where 5° Gemini falls in your chart. This is where the (currently separating) conjunction of Black Moon Lilith and the North Node occurred, so the house in your natal chart where it’s transiting, and any natal placements that may be in aspect to this point, especially conjunctions and oppositions, may be able to show where/how you have embodied or encountered Black Moon Lilith energy in recent times.

NOTE :

If anyone is wondering which “Lilith” in astrology I have been referring to, since it is a fairly infamous fact that there are actually 4 things bearing this name in astrology… I have for the most part only followed the mean calculation of Black Moon Lilith (and with Black Moon Lilith’s conjunction to the North Node, mean Lilith is what I’m referring to).

There is also Osculating Black Moon Lilith (aka True Lilith), which is a different calculation of the same concept I have discussed with Black Moon Lilith. A calculation that is actually technically more precise about the moon’s orbit, for the moment that it is taken, as the lunar apogee technically jumps around a little bit a whole lot… yet I have personally found Mean Lilith to be more worth following, especially when following collective transits, if trying to examine the effects of something lingering over an extended period of time, or if conceptualizing Black Moon Lilith’s cycles throughout the entire zodiac. I don’t doubt that the calculation of osculating Black Moon Lilith (which often is not too far from the mean calculation) has a lot of validity to it too though, perhaps especially for natal chart interpretations, and progressions.

As for the other two Liliths, there is the asteroid Lilith- but that is named for a French composer, not the Lilith archetype as we know her. Not saying it isn’t something worth looking into, it just hasn’t been a point of focus for me. And lastly, there is Dark Moon Lilith (aka Waldemath Moon), which is said to be a dark body of unknown origin revolving around the Earth- but there is a lot of debate as to whether it actually exists. I don’t have an opinion one way or another, and I haven’t followed it in transits. However, its placement in my natal chart, with an opposition to Black Moon Lilith for one, does peak my interest.

[nanami-says]

Part V (2/3): chapters 58~60

Chapter 58

[About Sukuna’s fingers resonating with one another]

"The ones that possess an immense presence. The ones that are hiding. The ones that are already taken in by cursed spirits."

⇒ "1) The ones with too big presences. 2) The ones holding their breath. 3) The ones already absorbed by cursed spirits."

I added the numbers for explanation purposes, see below. 

"One of Sukuna's fingers was hidden by a cursed spirit. When Itadori consumed the finger in June, it released its cursed energy"

⇒ "The Sukuna fingers that had been absorbed were holding back their power [while] inside cursed spirits. Then they unleashed their cursed energy with Itadori's incarnation [of Sukuna] in June serving as a trigger."

Whelp. On top of extremely simplifying the explanation, they mixed up the kind of Sukuna finger involved here - it was very explicitly stated in the text that it was number 3) "absorbed" (assimilated) fingers, and not 2) "hiding" fingers. 

I guess saying that Itadori consumed the finger isn't wrong plot wise but it's actually referred to (here and many times more in the manga) as "incarnation"! The same word also gets used for the death painting brothers.

[Megumi remembering a conversation with Gojou] 

"I was surprised you asked me to train you"

⇒ "It's rare for you to ask me for a practice, Megumi"

"To train you" wasn't wrong but Gojou saying "it's rare" here points to it either happening occasionally or having happened in the past and I'm not sure "I was surprised" quite conveys that. 

"Are you feeling pressure because of Yuji's growth?"

⇒ "Did you get impatient after getting surpassed by Yuuji?"

Gojou actually says that Yuuji has surpassed Megumi here! Quite a different nuance from just "Yuji's growth".

"Megumi, your skill and potential are probably higher than Yuji's. All that’s left is the mental aspect"

⇒ “You know, Megumi, I think that both your real ability and potential are in no way inferior to Yuuji's. (...)"

Emphasis mine because pray tell, how does one reach the conclusion that "don't lose out to"/"aren't inferior to" equals to "are probably higher". “Skill” was fine btw but I’d probably go with “mindset” for the last line, personally.

[Gojou explaining why he thinks Megumi doesn’t know how to make a serious effort giving the baseball game as an example]

“Why did you bunt? You sacrificed yourself so that Nobara could advance. Well, good for you"

⇒ "Why did you make a sacrifice bunt? Did you want to advance Nobara to the next base even if it meant you'd be out yourself? That's commendable"

The nuance for the last line was just different - the word used there usually is just used as praise, either genuine or ironic but imo “good for you” has a different meaning. Also he says “out”  but it’s written as “death” (although that is sometimes the case in baseball as well.)

“But no matter how many allies you have around you, you'll always die alone"

⇒ “(...) when you die, you’re alone”

I tried to phrase it a bit closer to the original because I feel like the nuance may just be different for this line but can’t quite put a finger on the how.

[Gojou to Megumi]

"To die and then win, and dying victoriously are two completely different things, Megumi"

⇒ "To win by dying and to win even if you die are completely different, Megumi"

Emphasis by Gege. Ngl, I had no clue what the English was trying to say here… This is most likely what the line actually meant.

[Megumi regaining his consciousness after he blacked out from getting hit] 

 "How long was I out? Was my divine dog destroyed? No, my technique's finished"

Actually "my technique got undone". Putting it as "has finished" is imo both unclear and misleading. Similar situation as in ch. 1 (refer to part I).

[Lead-up to Megumi using a domain expansion for the first time]

"A jujutsu sorcerer's growth never comes easy"

⇒ "The growth curve of a sorcerer isn’t always gentle"

Mostly, the line was more intricate in the original but also the grammatical construction used here that they mistranslated as "never" actually means "not always [necessarily]” instead.

"Here we go!!"

Not really incorrect but it's kinda generic and I guess something like "I'm gonna do it!" is closer nuance wise. 

"With a firm base, skill and imagination, a person can change thanks to the slightest of events"

⇒ "A firm foundation, a handful of sense, and imagination. Then, [even] with a most insignificant opportunity, a person will change"

A pity they simplified "a handful of sense" into just "skill" here. Overall not really incorrect but I wanted to propose something that imo better conveys the original wording and vibe.

“Area expansion”

…”area”? What? Obviously this is actually “domain expansion”. I just don’t have words.

“Think bigger! My technique’s interpretation!”

First sentence actually referred to the second one, so it’s actually something like “Expand it!! The technique’s interpretation!!”

[Megumi to the cursed spirit after his shikigami deals it a finishing blow]

"Divine dog's claws even hurt it...You were no match!"

"(...) So something like piercing through you when you're not even paying attention was easy"

Less excitement, more dismissiveness, I’d say? Also, for the divine dog it’s actually specified that it’s “divine dog (totality)” and not just simply “divine dog”. The term appeared before in ch. 47.

Chapter 59

[Megumi talking about what he considers the basic rule for human interactions in a flashback to his middle school years]

"Basically, you shouldn't cross any line that violates another person's dignity. You should acknowledge each other's mutual existence. That's the rule. You ignored it and fed your stupid ego"

⇒ "In short, it's drawing a line in order not to jeopardise one another's dignity; [it’s] a process through which both parties can coexist. That's what the "rule" is”. You broke it, throwing your weight around and forcing everyone to walk on eggshells around you”

For the first sentence, Megumi says “it’s drawing a line”, so the nuance here was probably closer to “creating boundaries” rather than “crossing boundaries” like in the official English release. For the second sentence, the original literally says “the process through which one another’s existence is achieved”, so rather than acknowledging each other’s existence the sentiment is probably closer to live and let live? For the last sentence, they once again simplified it to the barest bones.

"I'll definitely tell Ikezawa and everyone today that we're not their lapdogs"

“You got this, Aida!”

"But we might be the next punching bags, so don't go overboard!"

Should be “Ikezawa and others'' and definitely “that I’m not their errand boy” for the smallest boy’s first line. If all of them were already being treated as errand boys like the way using the plural form here implies, the other student’s reply wouldn’t make sense.

[After Tsumiki sees Megumi has beaten up delinquents once again]

“You said you wouldn’t pick fights anymore”

“You’re not my mom”

⇒ (...) “Don’t act like you’re my guardian”

Imo the distinction is significant because there’s a possibility that Tsumiki as the older of the two probably did feel responsible for Megumi to an extent and acted accordingly, as if she was his guardian. 

Also, he doesn’t actually say “mom” - this is not the first time where the official English release opts for a gendered phrase where the original uses a neutral form. (Like making Yuuji say his grandpa was like a dad to him when he actually said parent all the way back in ch. 2.) 

[Megumi’s thoughts from back in the middle school]

"I hate bad guys with no brains and zero emotional capability. Walking around feeling proud. Disgusting."

⇒ "I hate bad people. The way they act like they’re superior, with their complete lack of imagination or sensitivity. Disgusting”

I guess I really dislike the way they worded it here, especially the “no brains” part since Megumi wasn’t really talking about intellect or smarts here but about imagination (and sensitivity), which he literally describes as being akin to "vacant lot", "empty lot", "raw land”, which is much more evocative.

"I hate goody-goodies forgiving bad people, justifying mercy. Makes me wanna puke"

⇒ "I hate good people. The way they forgive such bad people and perceive that act of forgiveness as something noble. They make me sick"

Mhm, way to just simplify the heck out of the whole line. I’m extra bothered by their use of “goody-goodies” here since this is yet another appearance of a rather formal word for “good person” (善人/zennin) in the original and which I’ve observed to be a very important part of the world-building in jjk. I discuss it at length in various previous installments, with notable examples including: ch. 9 (Megumi about Yuuji and about the kind of people he wants to save - part I), ch. 31 (Nanami and Yuuji’s conversation in the aftermath of the Junpei incident - part III 2/2), ch. 36 (Panda about Yuuji - part IV 2/5).

“Tsumiki, you’re a perfect example of a good person.”

See, the word he uses here to describe Tsumiki is the same as in the line above (善人) but because back then it got translated as “goody-goodies”, you’d never guess it since the vibes are just that different.

[Megumi reminiscing about meeting Gojou for the first time]

"In the first grade, my dad and Tsumiki's mom got married and separated just as quickly"

⇒ "When I was in the first grade of elementary school my father and Tsumiki’s mother, our respective single parents, got together and disappeared into thin air"

The original doesn’t mention marriage OR separation. Heck, especially for the second one, it doesn’t even come close to mentioning it?? I have no clue where they got this from. 

What I put as “got together” can also be translated as “to have a liaison with (a man or a woman)” (among others). Since Tsumiki’s surname is also “Fushiguro” in middle school, it’s possible that they were actually married and many Japanese fans seem to think that as well but it’s not explicitly stated, at least not here, so those are most likely speculations. 

As for mysterious “separation”, the word used here actually means "disappearance (of people intentionally concealing their whereabouts); unexplained disappearance", so imo the whole section means their parents got together and at some point both disappeared. As we learn at one point in the manga Touji first and Tsumiki’s mum sometime later. 

(Btw, one fan scanlation used “evaporation” here instead and while this is another possible translation of the word in question, imo from the context it’s clear that the intended meaning was the “unexplained disappearance” instead.)

Lastly, Megumi uses kind of formal expressions when referring to both his own dad and Tsumiki’s mum, which imo is indicative of the emotional distance.

[Tiny Megumi about teenager Gojou]

"A weirdo with white hair said"

⇒ "A suspicious man with white hair"

Needless to say, he doesn't actually call Gojou a weirdo.

[Gojou about Touji] 

"But he's a loser that just works for me. He left the family and had you."

⇒ "He's enough of a good-for-nothing to take aback even me. Basically, he left home and then had you."

Emphasis mine. Again, I literally have no clue where they got the translation they went with for this. “Works for me” - just what?? (Btw, one of the fan scans available for this had the latter part of this line mistakenly imply that Gojou had Megumi leave his house. The bit definitely referred to Touji leaving the Zen’in family.)

"You're something your dad used against the Zen'in family. His trump card"

⇒ “You’re something your father kept as his strongest card against the Zen’in family”

A bit of a different nuance than “your dad used” suggests.

"The divorce money makes sense now. I was sold to this Zen'in family"

⇒ "The mystery behind the funds for their disappearance got solved. Apparently, I was sold to this Zen’in family or something"

Again, the word for “divorce” doesn’t make an appearance ANYWHERE in this chapter, least of all this page. ...How. 

Once again - fan scans had this as money that also evaporated but neither it nor the official English release make sense, considering the line is followed up by “I was sold” as the explanation. So yeah, imo the first sentence definitely referred to the money Megumi considered necessary for Touji (and co’s) disappearance.

[Gojou referring to Touji basically selling Megumi off]

"Sucks, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it's annoying. Especially your attitude."

⇒ “It pisses you off, doesn’t it”

“Yeah, it does piss me off. Especially that lack of delicacy of yours”

I mentioned it multiple times but imo repetition in the original text tends to be done on purpose and as a device and imo this was another example where this was the case. Megumi borrows Gojou’s words here. (Which mean “to be irritated, “to be angry” and not “it sucks”.)

[Megumi continuing about Gojou]

"But that annoying guy wrote off the situation with the Zen'in family. He made a promise that we would work as sorcerers in the future. We would be collateral and receive financial support from Jujutsu High in exchange."

⇒"This man pisses me off, but it was him who cancelled the deal with the Zen'in family, and made it so we would receive financial support from the technical college with me working as a sorcerer in the future [serving] as collateral for it”

I don’t know why they’d translate it as “we would work” here since who the “we” would be supposed to even entail other than Megumi himself? Surely not Tsumiki. Or Gojou. Also, putting the next bit as “we would be collateral” makes it sound kind of dehumanising to me, ngl, whereas Megumi was talking about his labour here.

Also, the same phrase for “pisses off” as above got used once again, which makes it three times in a row, so imo that was definitely a deliberate stylistic choice on Gege’s part.

“Jujutsu sorcerers. How stupid.

⇒ "Sorcerers, what even. How nonsensical"

Just proposing an alternate wording.

[Megumi about the curse Tsumiki got hit by]

"All we knew was that we didn't know anything. Tsumiki still sleeps."

The word used to describe Tsumiki’s state literally means “became bedridden”, which imo heavily implies she fell into a coma. “Still sleeps” is most likely a misunderstanding on the translator’s part since the word sounds like it’d mean that (but it doesn’t.)

[Megumi about Tsumiki]

"Always smiling and saying nice things"

⇒ “Always smiling and spouting lip service”

Another case where the translator seems to have translated the word based on the way it’s written as opposed to checking the actual meaning. (The “nice things” phrase.)

"It's not a bad thing to not forgive people. Megumi, that's your way of showing kindness."

⇒ “Not being able to forgive people isn’t a bad thing. That’s your kindness, Megumi”

It wasn’t just “not to forgive” but “not being able to forgive”! Which imo would imply the next line’s nuance was something similar to Tsumiki considering Megumi’s inability to forgive people to be something that stems from his kindness (e.g. because he can’t stand seeing injustice).

"Even spinning my short-comings in a positive light."

⇒ “She would affirm even my nature"

Imo this line was more of Tsumiki accepting Megumi as he is or at least that’s what the line says - makes sense with what I proposed for the line above too. Translating it the way they did in the official release kind of feels like overinterpreting.

"But even she would get upset when I hurt somebody. I was annoyed by the hypocrisy"

⇒ "But even such Tsumiki would get genuinely angry (...). I would get annoyed thinking she was a stickler to the rules and a hypocrite"

Emphasis mine. The phrase that the translators seem to have skipped here and I translated as "stickler to the rules" literally means "to play it safe", "to avoid trouble at all cost". 

"Yeah, I know. I was immature. I'm sorry so please wake up already"

“I’m sorry, I was a brat. I’ll apologise so just wake up already, stupid older sister”

Just a different nuance and tone for the whole line.

"All I did was get rid of the Yasohachi bridge curse. My sister's sleeping curse is a separate matter."

⇒ "This Yasohachi bridge curse was probably only overlapping with it, and the curse that caused Tsumiki to fall into a coma probably hasn't been lifted"

The official English release makes it sound like sleeping (or more correctly, the coma) was the nature of the curse that Tsumiki was put under, whereas imo the original indicates it just as its effect, which is an important distinction.

“As for the finger and Itadori…”

⇒ “What should I tell Itadori about the finger...”

The “tell”, “say” is only implied here but it’s pretty clear from the context that was the meaning. Also, he explicitly says “to Itadori” here.

[After the Yasohachi bridge curse got defeated by Megumi who then retrieved the Sukuna finger from it] 

"All of sudden I feel a presence. Did the finger get out of the barrier? Whoever took out the finger bearer is quite formidable."

⇒ “The huge presence that appeared all of sudden... Did Sukuna's finger get out of the barrier? If it was a sorcerer that exorcised the finger's host, they must be quite good......."

Emphasis mine on bits that got cut out in the official release. Because Esou was facing off Nobara, he probably assumed it’s likely there may be other sorcerers present and imo that’s what this line also suggests.

"Even so... The finger... Even if they fought against a special-grade and won, They more than likely didn't come out of it unscathed. I hope they're okay."

Just to clarify that the word used for “they” in the original indicates the speaker knows the people in question, so those were Nobara’s thoughts here.

 Chapter 60

[Esou to Yuuji and Nobara after he activates his wing king technique]

“Start running and turn your backs to me”

“Run. With your backs turned to me” would fit better nuance and mood wise. (Esou didn’t want to show his back to anyone so now he’s’ forcing them to show theirs.)

[Nobara to Yuuji after he scooped her up because she couldn’t run as fast as he could]

“I got your back”

“Okay”

“Okay” isn’t incorrect per se but the word has the nuance of “I’m counting on you”.

[Nobara to Yuuji after he speeded through the forest while carrying her, allowing them to escape from Esou's technique]

"Well done, you deserve some praise"

“Yeah, yeah”

“Just kidding. Thanks!”

⇒ "You have my praise." (...)

Actually a set phrase! Spoken from a rather elevated/superior POV, which is why Nobara later reiterates that she’s genuinely thankful. Also, I probably would just go with a period for “Thanks”, imo nuance wise it didn’t require an exclamation mark and it’s not there in the original either.

[Esou after Yuuji gets splashed with Kechizu’s blood]

"There's no need to worry. My younger brother's blood isn't the same quality as mine"

Actually "doesn't have the same properties like mine”.

"You wouldn't even die from mine unless you were drowned in it."

Much closer to something like "unless you were to bathe your whole body in it".

"But it does hurt like hell"

⇒ "But it does hurt to death"

Not really wrong meaning wise but in the original it was “to death” instead of “like hell”, which combined with a previous line was probably a wordplay. "You won't die but it does hurt to death"

[Esou explaining how his and Kechizu’s shared technique works]

"If you take in one of our brother's blood and if one brother activates a technique"

Idk if it's clear here but it most likely doesn't matter which brother does which (could even be the same one). Also, definitely should’ve been “the” or “this” for technique, since Esou has just stated on the same page he’s now going to start laying out how a specific technique of he and his brother’s functions.  

[Esou replying to Yuuji]

"Yes, the result is essentially poison. Our technique is 'decomposition'"

Should be “but what our technique is, is actually ‘decomposition’” nuance wise.

"It's activated now. In reality they'll be dead faster than that”

⇒ “Done with technique disclosure, so in reality (...)”

Emphasis mine. You know, the rule in jujutsu where if you explain your technique to your opponent, it gets a buff? “Activation” is just wrong here. 

While it’s not phrased as such, the phenomenon is first explained in ch. 20 during Nanami’s explanation to Yuuji (refer to part II 2/2). It also gets mentioned by name later in the manga but oftentimes the official release would either skip it or word it completely differently so it’s hard to tell, like in ch. 51, when Hanami realises Toudou has lied to him (part IV 5/5). 

[The history of how cursed wombs came to be]

"[In the beginning of the Meiji era] there was a girl with special genetic makeup who bore a cursed-spirit child"

Actually “with an idiosyncrasy that allowed her to get pregnant with the child of a cursed spirit”! Imo an important distinction since it’s not certain whether her first child that gets discussed here was born prematurely or not and the following pregnancies were all aborted.

"A child born of mixed blood - both cursed spirit and human.”

Skipped “grotesque child” at the end.

“It was a mysterious pregnancy. She would be ostracized by family and friends.”

⇒ "Starting from a pregnancy she had no recollection of, [followed by] the oppression from her kith and kin, it made her go insane"

This latter part of this section is filled to the brim with complicated language so I’m not entirely sure but I think this might’ve been the intended meaning of the line. The official translators were probably struggling with the vocabulary too, so they cut out some stuff entirely, to be precise - the go insane part. It’s the bit I’m not certain about myself but I scoured Japanese dictionaries and that’s the meaning that seemed to be the best fit among the options.  

Anyway, to reiterate - the bit about the pregnancy actually says that the girl herself didn’t even know (couldn’t remember) how it came to be. The part about the relatives doesn’t mention friends, it’s actually a set phrase that means “one's relatives by blood and marriage (in blood and law); one's kith and kin” - I went here with the latter since it’s shorter and fits the overall vibe of the line.

“She would hold the corpse of the child and flee to a temple in the mountains. The temple was run by jujutsu sorcerers. However, her luck had run out."

⇒ “(...) However, this was when her luck run out”

Other than the nuance in the last line, this isn’t mistranslated but the whole section just flowed differently in the original and felt less disjointed.

Also! One of the scanlations I’ve seen had it misspelled as “Noshitori” but the evil sorcerer’s name is actually “Kamo Noritoshi” (and yes, it’s the same as the young Kamo but the “toshi” is written with different characters).

"The child born from a cursed spirit and human would become a prisoner of intellectual curiosity"

⇒ "His [Kamo Noritoshi's] intellectual curiosity would be taken captive by children born between a cursed spirit and a human"

Very much the other way around. It's very clear in the original that the subject of the sentence was Kamo's intellectual curiosity and not the child.

"Death painting wombs: numbers 1-3. Cursed objects worthy of special grade."

Closer to "cursed objects powerful enough to be classified as special grade"

"Did cursed energy originate from a mother's hatred? No..."

It's specified here as "did their cursed energy" instead (emphasis mine), and the question is actually left unanswered......................................................... So yeah, congrats on getting rid of this very intended ambiguity. It's something like "or was it maybe--"

[About cursed wombs]

"For 150 years, with only the notion of one another's existence, they would survive, sealed away"

⇒ "For 150 years, they endured the seal, relying only on one another's existence"

"The notion" just doesn't capture the sentiment of the line at all, which imo is most likely the follow-up to the narrator's musings about the origin of the death painting's immense cursed energy. (See above.)

"We're siding with that cursed spirit."

Actually "siding with them", read as "them" but written as "the cursed spirits" - probably plural as the original literally says "the side of the cursed spirits", so it possibly means cursed spirits as a whole as well, aside of Mahito and co specifically. Remember, the brothers are actually half-humans too. I explain in depth the “written as but read as” device in part IV 4/5 (ch. 48, Toudou’s “my friend” phenomenon).

"The future that the cursed spirits have painted is more suited for us. But that's it. Forget about what we owe for our freedom"

Not incorrect per se but Chousou actually says “forget the debt we owe them of our incarnation”, which would make it yet another instance where the official English release has cut out the term entirely. (Emphasis mine.)

[Nobara after stating that a technique that assures a win as long as it hits an opponent is indeed powerful]

"I'm a bad match for you!!"

Actually “the worst match [possible]” - more confidence in the line! 

[Nobara to the death painting brothers after using Resonance on herself thus redirecting their attack back at them]

"Let's play a game of chicken, shall we?"

The actual wording is “contest of endurance”, I’m not entirely sure if the two have the same connotation.

[part v (3/3)]

[ddarker-dreams]

Aspiration Part 2. Yan Chrollo x Reader [COMM]

click here for part one! 

“You’ll hurt your neck if you keep craning your head down like that.” 

What good it does to chastise you on an insignificant action like this is beyond you. There isn’t much else to do until you land in this “unknown” destination that he’s spoken of earlier, yet the thought of entertaining conversation with him doesn’t feel appealing either. Being kidnapped will have that effect on you, he shouldn’t expect otherwise but seems to. 

“Nothing a few painkillers won’t solve.” you respond with forced disinterest, flipping to the next page of the magazine Chrollo gave you earlier. It feels like a minor loss to entertain him with a response, your cold shoulder treatment temporarily lifting. 

You’ve read this magazine at least three times by now, hoping that giving your mind something to focus on will steady you in reality. The lackluster stories about summer sales, latest keto recipes, and what celebrities have been up to lately offer none to little substance. Yet your eyes continue scanning them dutifully as if it’s a sacred text recovered by a forgotten civilization.

Letting out a small yawn, you continue to read until you get to the familiar final page once again. Fully intending on completing the cycle of rereading it, Chrollo interrupts this by plucking it from your grasp before you get the chance. All you can offer in return is a halfhearted glare and grimace. 

“Hey! I was reading that.” you protest with a frown, feeling vulnerable without anything to hold onto. 

He ignores your agitated exclamation, placing the magazine out of your reach by his side. “I don’t believe you’re missing out on anything of importance, seeing as you’ve read it multiple times already.” 

Huffing but not humoring him with a response, you cross your arms and stare out the window. The clouds below you are an enticing sight, still not enough to maintain your attention for the remaining thirty or so minutes of this flight. When traveling, it’s always the last amount of time before reaching your destination that feels like the longest.

Chrollo lets out a disapproving sigh at your actions, then pulls back his sleeve to check the time. “It won’t be much longer. I’ll attribute your current behavior to being hungry.”

“Well, yeah, there’s that,” you finally look over at him, lips pursing indignantly. “And there’s the fact that I’ve been kidnapped by an A bounty criminal and am currently heading to god knows where at four in the morning.” 

“You’re by all means welcome to rest.” 

How he can calmly rebuke all your thinly veiled sarcasm is a special talent, like water off a duck’s back. You don’t want to admit it, however, you’re grateful he isn’t hotheaded and offended by your boorish remarks. Watching your tongue would be how any sane person would deal with a threat like this… then there’s you. Making poor decisions and winging it. A life motto, really. 

An invitation to rest your weary eyes isn’t easily declined, an alluring proposal. His presence makes it a challenge to feel comfortable enough to fall asleep, that state leaving you entirely vulnerable. When you’re awake you have some tandem of control, even if it isn’t much. 

“Where exactly would I do that? I don’t see any beds in here.” You emphasize your rebuttal by glancing around the room you two occupy, as if one would materialize at your words. Now that would be a useful nen ability, if he happened to have it. 

Chrollo smiles, in a way that doesn’t sit well with you. “Why not rest on my shoulder?” 

“W-whatever happened to your previous care over the well being of my neck? That’ll just hurt it after five or so minutes.” you stutter back, face flushing as his lips quirk further upwards. Amusement is dancing within his dark eyes, drawing out further discomfort from you. He seems to like exchanges like this, flustering you with the same ease as breathing.

“Painkillers. You said it yourself,” Chrollo throws your previous statement before you, challenging you with a raised eyebrow. “I’d be happy to get them, if that’s the only reservation you have about sleeping on me.” 

Inhaling sharply at his teasing assault, you close your eyes to prevent yourself from doing anything foolish. Gritting your teeth and balling your fists by your side, you remember why you were giving him the cold shoulder earlier. Talking to Chrollo is exasperating, all of his composed words like needles in your skin. Not wanting to swat at the wasp nest any further, your mind starts drifting, in a last ditch effort to distract yourself. 

It’s been an eventful night. The most memorable night of your life, if you’re being honest. You had always acknowledged and accepted the risks of looking into the Phantom Troupe. The stories of their unabashed cruelty served as an appropriate warning. Playing it close to the chest usually entailed fear of death, so never in your wildest dreams were you expecting… whatever this is. 

At least it beats dying? So you’ve got that going for you.

There isn’t anything you can do now, is what you’ve been telling yourself. Playing along with his whims is all you can think to do. It isn’t the ideal situation, but your only option now is to wait for an opening for escape. Even though Chrollo has more strength than you, he is still human. The thought offers a glimmer of encouragement, knowing that people aren’t infallible. You’ll take advantage of any weaknesses you can find. 

Getting more information out of him is a path worth pursuing for the time being. 

“I hope we’re not camping,” you murmur, shuddering at the horrific thought. “Bugs eat me like I’m the last supper.” 

“We won’t be camping. And despite the name, the last supper isn’t actually the last time the disciples ate.” There’s something extremely ironic about a murderer correcting you on this. 

“Please forgive me for not being up to date on biblical theology. I’ll be sure to correct that before the next test,” you deadpan before a realization hits you. “Wait, so what exactly are we doing? How am I even allowed to be on this blimp without my passport? God, none of this makes any sense…” 

“I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever ask. To answer your questions, we’ll be staying at a hotel for a few weeks. I know some people in the area who are interested in purchasing what was stolen earlier.” Chrollo explains with a casual air, smoothing out a wrinkle in his shirt. 

It all hits you again. This is really happening to you. An inescapable reality where you’re at the complete mercy of this man, who despite showing no interest in harming you, is fully capable of doing so. Your contempt style of speaking until now has been a pitiful defense mechanism to help you cope with the extremity of this situation, not doing anything aside from momentarily distracting you. Running a hand through your hair, you feel your heart pounding within once more.

Chrollo takes note of how you shift in your seat, and tilts his head. “I understand this has been quite a lot to process. I meant what I said earlier -- about having no intention to harm you -- unless you do something that forces my hand.” 

He smiles, the warm action not matching up to the dark implications of his words. It makes your blood run cold, how a monster can wear the skin of a human. There isn’t any benefit of getting yourself further worked up, so you continue rambling on. Life is all about testing the boundaries of what you can and can’t get away with. 

“I still… don’t really get it. I know I was looking into information about you guys, but in that case, why not just,” you gulp, fearful that saying it will solidify the possibility. “Kill me? Even more so now that I know more.” 

For the first time all night, Chrollo doesn’t offer an immediate quip in response. He carefully considers your words, in a way that leads you to believe he doesn’t entirely know the answer himself. It’s not that you have a death wish, yet your curiosity is overwhelming. Whenever he does decide to grace you with an answer, maybe you’ll find out something that’ll prove useful to escaping in the future.

“There’s no simple reason that’ll satisfy you. You piqued my interest, and that’s a dangerous thing to do with a thief,” he leans over, clearly assessing you as you back away in response. “I confirmed my suspicions when we spoke earlier in the car. So for the time being… I want to observe you.” 

He was right when he said the answer won’t be satisfactory. His response leaves more questions than answers, some of which you don’t want to delve into. Backing down from this befuddling conversation, you focus on something else.

The soothing night sky outside elicits butterflies in your stomach. Darkness allows for the city lights beneath to stand out, little twinkling dots of light growing closer as the blimp descends. You can’t help but feel a sense of relief knowing that you’ll be on the ground soon, a sense of claustrophobia constricting you in this room with no escape. His suffocating presence doesn’t help on that front. 

Chrollo is finally considerate enough to leave you to your thoughts. Within a few more minutes you’ve made your landing, leaving through a private terminal with what has to be forged ID. A black car rental car is waiting for you outside the airport, Chrollo opening the door to the passenger seat for you. The gentleman-like act almost causes you to roll your eyes, but you’re far too exhausted to do anything other than sitting down obediently. You’ll save the cheek for a later time. 

He shuts some luggage into the trunk, then starts the car with a low hum, driving off to where you presume the hotel he mentioned earlier is. Looking out the window, you squint as the sun begins to rise into the sky. Your eyelids grow heavier by the second, in spite of how desperately you cling to consciousness. Eventually, the world around you grows distant, and you’re lulled into a deep slumber.

Dreamless rest is stolen from you, Chrollo gingerly shaking your shoulders and bringing you back to cruel reality. Letting out a low groan at the unwelcome interruption, you feel like swatting his hands away. “What… oh, it’s you.” 

“Good morning to you too,” If he’s bothered by your unenthusiastic greeting, he doesn’t show it. Taking out the keys from the car, the vehicle ceases making noise. “We’re here now. You did mention wanting to sleep on a bed earlier, didn’t you?”

Craning your neck to look out the window, you see only about half an hour has passed since you first fell asleep. Outside is a grandiose looking building that must be your hotel. As much as you hate to admit it, you find yourself staring at what has to be the very expensive venue. Much more than anything you could ever hope to afford. While you’re appreciating the sight before you, Chrollo gets out to get his luggage. 

That’s right. What are you supposed to do for clothes anyways? All of it’s stuck back at your apartment, and you don’t think Chrollo was generous enough to pack for you. At least a hotel will have toiletries, so that won’t be a concern. 

‘Oh well. I guess we’ll cross that bridge once we get to it.’

“Do you need me to carry you?” Chrollo calls over from the curb, two large suitcases in hand. You realize only one of them has a lock on it.

Not even humoring him with a response, you get out of the car, keeping your distance from him. To your understanding, attempting to flee or signal down anyone will earn “unwanted consequences”, or at least that’s how he put it. It’s one thing to endanger yourself in a daring escape, but you can’t justify putting other’s lives on the line. 

Morning chill prompts you to wrap your arms around yourself, warding off the cold. Following Chrollo’s lead, you head through revolving doors into a breathtaking lobby. Warm, yellow light from a glass chandelier basks the room in an ethereal glow, accenting the white marble flooring. He walks up to one of the employees behind a desk, checking in and getting a key to the room. 

In the liberating few minutes away from Chrollo, your eyes sweep the surroundings for any openings. Is it possible to make a run for it for one of the cars outside? He’s fast -- you’ve seen it for yourself -- undoubtedly more than you. Such an obvious attempt at escape will only be met with failure. The lobby is wide open, no possibilities for hiding evident. 

‘There goes that idea.’

Your insistent glancing around the area must’ve given you away, Chrollo placing a warning hand on your shoulder, and giving a firm squeeze. “Let’s head to our room. You must be exhausted by now.” 

Once again offering no signs of protest, you head to an elevator together. Chrollo hits the button with the highest number on it. Ascending upwards, you watch the lights around the rims of the buttons with interest until it reaches level thirty. The elevator adds to your dizziness, a fuzzy feeling budding in your head. 

With a ding, the door opens to reveal a long hallway. Chrollo checks the number on his key once more, before navigating to a room.

Finally, after what feels like forever, he opens the door to your shared suite. The lobby clued you in earlier that this is no cheap hotel, the suite confirming that. Since it’s at the top of the building, the entire city is visible to you. It’s a breathtaking sight, one that keeps you entranced as Chrollo shuts the door behind you. Looking out the window, you see more signs of life as the morning progresses.

The glass opens up to a balcony, the handle locked and cold to the touch. It’s probably not a good idea to walk out without permission, not sure of the act could be interpreted in a negative way. 

Chrollo takes a place by your side, a little too close for your liking. Amidst the beauty before him, he’s more interested in looking at you. “I take it you like the view?” 

“I’ve never been in a place like this,” you tell him, eyes wide and mouth agape at the breathtaking scenery. “If I had known we’d be staying here, I would’ve let you kidnap me sooner.”

“That’s a joke, by the way.” 

He chuckles lowly at your rushed cover up, thinking little of it. “Are you hungry?” 

Now that gets your attention. You can only imagine how wonderful the food here is, and you haven’t had anything to eat since your dinner last night. Having gone so long without food you’re surprised you aren’t ravenous, the kidnapping likely stunting your appetite. Still, you won’t be turning down the offer. 

You nod your head to confirm his words. Chrollo walks over to a phone in the room to place an order for room service, quietly listing off a variety of breakfast foods. While he’s occupied doing this, you look around what will be your residence for the next few weeks. He must not take any issue in your wondering about, seeing as he’s covering the only possible exit. How considerate of him. 

While he’s busy placing an order, you wonder off to take in your surroundings. From the door that leads to the hallway is a small closet on the left, and an expansive kitchen in the middle of the room. To the right of which is a living room, all surrounded by glass windows. That leaves your sleeping arrangement. 

Saving the bedroom for last, your fears are confirmed. You realize that even in such an expansive suite, there’s only a single bedroom, with a king sized bed. Luck doesn’t seem to be on your side. Well, it’s not like you can’t sleep on the floor or couch if the opportunity presents itself. A nagging voice in the back of your mind tells you Chrollo won’t allow for that, unfortunately. 

Plopping yourself down on the right side of the bed, you could almost melt into the comfortable mattress. Tempting as it is to fall asleep, you don’t trust Chrollo enough to give that a shot. Frowning at your fancy evening wear from the previous night, your previous concern about not having any clothes to change into returns. The bathroom did have a fluffy, white robe in it. 

‘That feels too vulnerable... I’ll take my chances with the dress.’

Getting up before you fall asleep, you look around for anything that might be useful. The phone in the living room might be an idea, if you could somehow call and alert the staff of your predicament. Something tells you Chrollo has already taken that into account, and you write off the idea as soon as it appears.

Speaking of Chrollo, he enters the bedroom with an inviting cart of food in front of him. Everything from hashed browns, scrambled eggs, pastries, pancakes, bacon and waffles sit atop silver plates. 

“I wasn’t sure what you like, so I got everything. Help yourself.” 

Not needing to be told twice, you grab a plate and go to town. Chrollo grabs a steaming cup of tea, taking a sip and sitting down next to you. The bed creaks underneath his added weight, you too occupied with eating to care about the implications of his action.

He raises the glass to his lips. “Is there anything else you want to ask me, [First]?” 

Swallowing your previous bite, you give his question some thought. There is plenty on your mind that you’d love to know. A better, more conclusive answer for why he kidnapped you at the top of that list. You recall how he looked detached from reality when you asked him about it on the blimp, leading you to believe that asking again will earn a similar result.

‘It’d be best to play it safe for now.’

“Yes, actually,” you take a bite of a blueberry muffin, wiping your mouth before continuing. “Am I supposed to wear this damned dress for the remainder of this... arrangement?” 

"As lovely as you look in it, no. One of the suitcases has clothes for you, among other things.” 

Blinking at this new information, you wonder if he ever intended on telling you this. In your short time of being acquainted with Chrollo, you’ve picked up on how he rewards you for conversation. Humiliating as it is to play along with his tune, you’ll have to do just that. 

“Other things...?” you repeat back in a faint murmur, showcasing your confusion by tilting your head. Chrollo nods his head in affirmation to this, setting his now empty tea cup on a nightstand with a faint click. 

“You strike me as the type to want something to do, so I went through the trouble of procuring a few of your belongings. A few books, and the like.” 

‘Ah. How terribly considerate of him.’ 

It’s not much, but knowing you have some of your personal possessions is comforting. Anything is better than being stuck alone with him, or your thoughts. The worst possible case scenarios. 

Your meal now finished, you get up and place your dirty plates back onto the tray. Chrollo continues relaxing, eyes still following your every moment. How is he not exhausted? The only thing keeping you awake is your fear of what could happen when you’re asleep, and even that is beginning to wane. Maybe some caffeine will help with that. 

“I’m gonna get my stuff.” you call over, holding your breath in anticipation of a response. 

At his lack of protest, you assume this action is approved of. Helping yourself to the suitcase without a lock on it, you unzip it to find it’s just as he said. Some of your clothes from home, your switch, books, a few offline games, your favorite perfume, shampoo and body wash. 

It’s creepy to know someone went into your residence and took your stuff, but that’s the least of your problems right now. While grabbing a change of clothes, a thought hits you. Looking up towards the phone Chrollo used to call room service earlier, your hand twitches by your side. It’s a temptation, taunting you over the possibility of freedom. 

‘He’s in the other room relaxing. Maybe, just maybe I have enough time...’

Cautiously, as not to alert him of your scheme, you begin to silently tiptoe over to the phone. Time feels like it goes slower, not even trusting yourself to breathe in fear of him hearing it. Hand hovering over your possible saving grace, your fingers grow closer to pressing 9. 

That’s when he appears in the corner of your eye, leading you to hurriedly bring back your hand and straighten your back. 

“I already cut the wires. It was a good idea though.” he calls over from the doorway, leaning against it and smiling in a way that makes your stomach curl. Not a single detail has gone overlooked, but what were you expecting from a mastermind criminal who has managed to go this long without being caught? 

Checking to see if his words hold any merit, you find it’s just as he said. Wires cut in a single clean motion, biting your lip as your hopes evaporate in front of you. 

It reminds you of Tantalus. Who was cursed to be hungry and thirsty forever, in the taunting reach of food and water that’d recede whenever he went to partake in it. An eternal punishment you’re now being subjected to. 

‘I should’ve known it wouldn’t have been so easy. Still, how could he have not made a single sound? I didn’t even hear the bed creak.’ 

Laughing nervously at being caught, you step back as to avoid further consequence, cheeks flushing at being caught in your measly attempt. “Just... checking to make sure all is in order, aha...” 

Walking away from it, you look to change the subject. Chrollo doesn’t seem bothered by your defiant actions, having clearly already anticipated your idea. He rolls out the cart from before, leading you to stiffen when he walks past you. Heart pounding away in your chest, you silently observe him opening the door to place it outside. 

He looks back at your anxious form after shutting the door. “I’d rather not have to constantly monitor you. Whether or not I do will be determined by how you act.” 

There’s a thick pressure in the room from his words, one that pushes down on you like a heavy weight. Unable to maintain eye contact with him any longer, you look to the side, clutching your clothes to your person. Chrollo doesn’t have to resort to infuriated threats or physical violence, his presence commanding enough on its own.

To ease the tension in the air, Chrollo speaks up. “If I happened to leave out anything you need, let me know.” 

Grateful for the change in subject, you nod your head in a daze. From now on you’ll have to be more discreet. Mentally slapping yourself for not giving your earlier actions more consideration, you move on at Chrollo’s lack of reprimanding. 

“Is it alright if I get changed?” you speak up, voice meek enough to remind you of a mouse. Chrollo considers you before nodding his head. You jump at the opportunity to be alone, borderline running to the master bathroom and shutting the door behind you.

Looking in the mirror, you see your frowning reflection staring back. Placing a hand to your face, you inspect the bags forming underneath your eyes. Peeling off the dress feels heavenly, using a wet rag on the sink to quickly clean your body. Showering with a murderer in the other room isn’t a tempting proposition.

Putting on your clothes, you feel like a new person. Straightening up your hair and splashing your face with cold water, you place your hands onto the cool marble counter top. 

‘I’m going to get out of this. It’ll be okay, [First]. Stay calm.’

Finishing your mini pep talk, you fold your previous outfit and place it on the floor. Will Chrollo even allow someone into your room to clean it? Not that it matters, seeing as you spotted a washer and dryer earlier. 

He’s sitting up in bed when you open the door, a book now in hand. At your presence, he looks up to acknowledge you. Chrollo’s dark hair frames his face, and you flush at his admittedly handsome appearance. How are you supposed to remain composed in his company? 

“I can close the blinds if you intend to sleep.” he offers before turning to the next page of his book. 

Oh, that’s right. Now that you’re wearing pajamas he must assume you want to sleep. The next hurdle of this headache inducing dilemma, Chrollo having the expectation of you resting next to him. Eyelids feeling heavier by the second, you wonder how much coffee would be necessary to keep you awake.

That’d still be delaying the inevitable. Coffee or not you won’t be able to stay conscious forever. Earlier, when you fell asleep in the car, he didn’t do anything weird... right? Nothing that you can account for. 

He looks up at you, noting your lack of response. Unfreezing from your prior stiff position, you make the decision to sit down next to the bed. Chrollo most likely wants you where he can see you after your previous stunt, and sleeping on the floor isn’t the worst thing in the world.

Aside from the back pains. 

Making yourself comfortable, you fully intend to fall asleep on the floor. Chrollo closes his book at your antics, coming over to your side of the bed and frowning. “What are you doing?”

“I’m about to sleep.” 

“... On the floor?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan.” 

Unreadable grey eyes pierce through your being, sending chills down your spine. From your previous interactions with him, you thought a measly sign of resistance such as this one wouldn’t matter. Your initial assessment must be incorrect, as he sends you a disapproving look.

“There’s no reed for that.” he reasons with you, leaving little room for argument. Not wanting to give in, you remain planted in your spot. Without wasting anymore time, he gets up and crouches next to you. You wonder if he’s going to chastise you further for your childish actions. 

He instead lifts you up in a single, fluid motion. A small noise of shock leaves your lips at the sensation of being hoisted up, scrambling to clutch onto him in fear of falling. It doesn’t last long, as he places you down onto the bed with gentleness that you didn’t expect him to have.

Arms receding back to his side, Chrollo returns to his previous position as if nothing out of the ordinary had just occurred. You feel your face burning, a bright red glow coupled with it. The scent of his cologne lingers, memory of his touch flustering you further. 

Clearing your throat to play off the events, you still can’t manage to look at him. “I was planning on sleeping here, actually. Was just testing the floor out.” 

He opens his book back up to its previous page, lips quirking into an amused smile. “I’m sure you were.” 

Having no other options, you lay on your side facing the wall. Muscles taut and incapable of relaxing in his presence, you squeeze your eyes shut to no avail. All you hear is the gentle hum of the air conditioner on the wall, and the occasional page flip from him. 

More time passes, at a snails pace. An hour ago you would’ve entered slumber easily, now it taunts and eludes you. Huffing at your inability to rest, you adjust yourself against the soft mattress. 

Sighing quietly in defeat, you attempt to make conversation to pass the time. “Do you not ever need to sleep?” 

“I’ll be fine for a while longer. Are you concerned for my well being?” You can imagine the smug visage on his face, clear as day. It’s tempting to want to bite back with no, you’re not very worried about his health. You bite your tongue and instead ignore the teasing.

Sitting up and hugging your knees to your chest, you look over at him. His guard is still on high alert even while he’s reading. There’s an immeasurably gap in strength between you two, accented by his casual demeanor. 

“That makes two of us. I don’t feel tired now,” you narrow your eyes in his direction, wanting desperately to know what it is he’s thinking. “Something tells me we’re not going to be sitting here all day.” 

“For a majority of it. I’ll consider taking you out for dinner if you continue acting agreeable.” 

Tempting you with food, huh? It’s a most valiant effort, one that almost threatens to win you over. Especially since cities always have a variety of nice restaurants to choose from. Giving his proposition some thought, you realize there might be a catch. There always is with these kinds of ordeals. 

“What is your definition of... agreeable?” 

Disliking the way the word feels on your tongue, you purse your lips. Dehumanizing is how you’d describe it, knowing that your actions are being analyzed and studied. If Chrollo notices the bitterness in your voice, he doesn’t feel a need to mention it.

“I don’t care much for labels, but I’d equate it to wanting to date you. I told you earlier that I had taken an interest in you, that’s what I meant.” Chrollo explains to you with ease that tells you how much thought he’s given it.

When he had told you he was interested in you earlier, you thought he meant it in an entirely different way. Like how you find a certain movie interesting or entertaining. Now you’re unsure what to think. Mind swarming with thoughts ranging from maybe it’s a good thing, to what do you do now? 

Finally, you deliver your eloquent and delicately woven response, having put every level of care into it. 

“Oh.” 

Glancing over at your dumbfounded expression, he can’t help but laugh airily at your mortified look. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” 

[dailydnp]

How to be resilient: This practical guide to dealing with setbacks is essential reading

Ensure you're making practical self-care steps to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the 'new normal'.

Life might be getting back to normal but many of us are still feeling the effect of the pandemic on our mental health. In fact, you might not even realise the full impact the past year has had on your mental health until you're back in 'the real world'. Indeed, recent ONS figures show cases of depression are on the rise despite lockdown lifting. From the period of 27th January to 7th March 2021, around 1 in 5 (21%) adults in the UK experienced some form of depression, an increase since November 2020 (when the figure stood at 19%) and more than double that observed before the Coronavirus pandemic (10%).

That's why it's so important to take heed of your own mental health and ensure you're making practical self-care steps to avoid becoming overwhelmed by the 'new normal'.

"Mental health is a huge part of all of our lives and for too many of us it’s a mystery, but if we understand our minds we can put ourselves in control so we can really live," says Daniel Howell, a mental health activist and author of You Will Get Through This Night.

Inspired by Dan’s own mental health journey shared with millions of his fans on stage and screen, along with his work as an ambassador for mental health charity Young Minds, his new book promises to be a practical guide to understanding and taking control of your mental health, written in an entertaining and personal way from someone who has been through it all.

Written in consultation with psychologist Dr. Heather Bolton and spilt over three sections; This Night, Tomorrow and The Day After, the book provides a refreshing, realistic approach to looking after your mental wellbeing the way we all experience it - whether you are in a crisis, just looking to make a change or want to know how to look after yourself every day.

One key aspect of his book is how to be resilient and deal with setbacks, which we are adamant will prove extremely useful for anyone struggling as we come out of lockdown....

"We all know that life can throw a curveball when we least expect it, so it’s important to know how to cope with these surprises, and not let them throw you off your positive momentum.

Life is a rollercoaster, or more like the graph shape of a llama rolling down a hill and climbing up again. We can’t predict the chaos. Despite our best efforts and intentions, it’s normal to have ups and downs. Remember that mental health is not a straight line, we can do what we can to raise the floor level, but it will always wave with the happenings of the world.

It doesn’t have to be a sudden shocking event, such as a… lightning strike! (sorry?) Life is naturally full of moments of change that we need to be able to handle. Breakups, moving, changing jobs – things that are very common can throw us off our track and we should all know how to keep ourselves on the rails.

Resilience

Training your resilience can help you to keep going in the face of adversity. It’s more than just bouncing back, it’s the act of moving forward as we grow from our experiences. Being resilient can look like:

Viewing challenges as opportunities

Focusing on the things you can control

Adapting your response to challenging situations

Maintaining a sense of purpose and drive

Asking for support when needed

Training your resilience can help you to keep going in the face of adversity.

Resilience is about being realistically optimistic. It’s not wishful thinking, it’s just being aware of what you can actually achieve and allowing yourself to be hopeful that you will succeed. Don’t be cynical about your own abilities, planting a seed of doubt that can self-sabotage. If you second guess yourself, it could be a self- fulfilling prophecy. Be realistic, but be fair to yourself and go into situations wanting to win!

It’s not something that’s fixed, it fluctuates through life and is something we can develop. It’s partly about our mindset, but also about how we respond in the face of stressful situations.

Most importantly, it’s not about pushing through the pain, telling yourself you’re being brave (don’t hide the pain, Harold), it’s about honestly accepting what you can handle and being practical.

Don’t overwork or exhaust yourself; it’s unrealistic to expect to cope with literally everything all the time!

Think about the attitude you have when you approach situations. Let’s imagine two different people being rejected after a particularly awkward first date:

They both have similar first thoughts: ‘Well that’s disappointing’ and ‘will I ever love again?’

But then how they make sense of that situation is different: – Akachi starts to accept that not everyone will love her, their date wasn’t right for her anyway, and decides to take control by getting back out there and finding another fish in the sea.

– Fernando doesn’t accept it, but gets stuck on the idea that they’ll always be rejected, they’ll never meet anyone and be lonely forever to live as a spectre haunting the local lighthouse.

Both people are in the same situation but approach it with very different attitudes, which affects how they respond. To build up your own resilience to setbacks, it’s important to understand ‘adaptive coping’ (see opposite).

Self-care service station

During stressful and challenging times, self-care is essential to maintain your overall resilience, so don’t forget the basics – eating, sleep and hygiene, and staying hydrated.

It may sound simple, but if you let these slip it can chip away at your hard work and your mindset.

Try to keep your positive routine and stay on top of necessary stuff – having routine and structure gives you a strong foundation for coping. Take time for yourself – literally remember to breathe, be mindful if you need a moment and take time to do things you enjoy to recover.

Protect your boundaries and don’t take on more than you can handle. Don’t agree to too much work, emotional responsibility, or cave in to demands you know you might not have energy for.

Reading the signals right

Psychological theory says we tend to see stressful situations in one of three broad ways: a challenge, a threat, or a loss.

Seeing it as a challenge → having hope, a fighting spirit and putting energy into finding a solution.

Seeing it as a threat → assuming the worst, feeling anxious and deflated.

Seeing it as a loss → acting like the damage has already been done, there’s nothing you can do, and feeling helpless.

Try to look for aspects of your situation that you can see as a challenge to overcome – this will help you adopt a positive approach and channel your energy into solving the problem, known as adaptive coping. Of course, this might not always be possible and you can’t keep fighting forever, but there will always be an opportunity for learning from the situation. Feeling threatened is absolutely normal, but try to notice whether you’re getting caught up with catastrophic thinking. Break the problem down and focus on what you can control, even if it’s a small piece of the 10,000 piece 1-colour jigsaw.

If you’re feeling helpless because of things you’ve lost, allow yourself to feel that – resilience involves connecting honestly with feelings, not shutting them off. It’s a healthy part of processing what’s going on for you. The key is balance.

Channel your energy into what you can change.

Evaluate any aspects bringing up anxiety.

Allow time to deal with your feelings.

Being flexible between these three approaches will help you deal with the fun of life’s many suddenly surprising challenges."

You Will Get Through This Night by Daniel Howell is available now in hardback, eBook and audio download (HQ)

[i-need-a-pilot-tho]

mako is a great bender and that’s ok

i can’t with people who are upset that Mako can bend lightening because its supposed to be such a rare skill for exceptional firebenders.

1. Bolin and Mako are both exceptional. they’re shown to have great innate talent for bending. idk why it would be a shitty thing that they’re kind of prodigies. why on earth would they be in the krew if they weren’t well above average benders? and maybe one of the reasons why he was so shitty at relationships is bc he spent all his time training and honing his innate talent so that he could provide for himself and his brother and therefore spent v little time interacting w others and now is just trying his best to make it up as he goes along. (/s/ i mean, its not like he learns from his mistakes and grows into a brave, selfless person who learns to put others first, he has to be perfect from the beginning of the story right???) 

2. you can accept that toph learned to bend, even for combat, by observing badger moles, and katara survived the entire first book before they got to the North pole with basic forms learned from a scroll but you can’t accept that Mako learned how to bend lightening probably by observing other benders on the streets and in the pro-bender gym (like Bolin said he learned). Hell, maybe someone from the triads taught him. Its implied that he did some rather intense (for lack of a better word) things for them, maybe he had his own Yakone in the triads who pushed him to learn how to bend lightening so he would be more useful to them. of course you can argue that there’s not enough evidence in text for this but it’s v clear that Mako was the character given least thought by the writers (like, his arc in season 2 is just. he’s put in so many difficult positions, does his best, keeps getting punished by the narrative, then the writers just decide that he’s not worth their time and abandon him to focus on everyone else) so I don’t see why its unreasonable for us to try and piece together parts of his identity to make up for how the writers short-changed him.

3. if ur stopping point is just that bending lightening is supposed to be a one in a million talent, even harder to learn than metal bending which is now widely used, then idk what to tell u, except maybe its similar to how the standards we have for indv sports now like ice skating and gymnastics have increased dramatically over the last century or so as people have pushed boundaries and found new ways of training, so maybe bending has changed in the same way. maybe bc of gazhan and bolin, lava bending will become more common too.

4. this idea that lightening bending is v uncommon also isn’t rly inconsistent w lok’s world-building imo tho i accept that this is my weakest point. there’s millions of people in republic city. it makes sense that out of the few that can bend lightening, they’d find work at the power plant, especially if they aren’t from well established families and so can’t get work with a guild. it doesn’t mean that there are suddenly an exorbitant amount of fire benders who can bend lightening, it just means that the v few who can are gonna use their bending to make a living in whatever way they can, especially bc as Mako said, it seemed to pay well. Republic City exemplifies how bending fits into the new industrialised world order, how its used to enhance engineering and science, i honestly thought the power plant was a neat bit of world-building, tho i understand that’s a subjective opinion.

tldr: its perfectly reasonable that Mako can bend lightening. as someone who loves him I can accept that there’s plenty wrong with how his character was written but his exceptional bending ability isn’t one of them.

[defeatedbyamerechild]

Cyrus woke up. His pupils were dilated, his eyes open wide, his heart was beating much faster than normal and his muscles were tense. The whole room was dark and silent. Without even thinking, he clenched his fists, holding tight to the sheets. He felt the bitter feeling of anxiety taking over his body as he started to breathe more and more quickly, feeling the beads of sweat rolling down his face and chills running down his spine.

He tried to look around, but felt paralyzed. It was getting hard to breathe. He closed his eyes and tried to remember the step-by-step his therapist had taught him, but focusing on that seemed very difficult at the moment. The only thing he could remember clearly was that he had to slow down his breathing...

He closed his eyes and started breathing in slowly, counting the seconds in order to control the movement of his diaphragm. He remembered now. He was supposed to focus on reality... describe his surroundings. But it was too dark to see properly... Very dark and very silent... How could he describe the world if he couldn't see it? Was it all even real?

That one recurring question, that always came to his mind in moments of difficulty, was the most terrifying part of it all. Was it real? Was the room real? Was his bed real? Was he actually there? His housemates, were they actual people? Had all that time really passed and had all the things he lived really happened or had it all been just a lie, a delusion, a hallucination? Had he ever really left the Distortion World...? And was it there, staring at him with its bright red eyes...?

No, he shouldn't focus on those thoughts. Focusing on objective aspects of the real world was vital at that moment. No speculation would be beneficial under those circumstances, what he had to do was simple, practical and clear observation of the material world. The real world. It was there, it was real, he could see it and sense it...

Not that he hadn't felt and seen things before that he later realized were not real... Back in there, in the Distortion World... Under the effect of Giratina's mind tricks... The boundaries between reality and delirium were unclear.

Still, he had left that place. He had to believe he had really left that place... because if not... No. No “ifs”. It was not time for “ifs”. Keep it simple. Practical. Cold. Objective. He had always been like that, practical and objective, so why was it so hard? It wouldn't be that hard if he could just calm down... He had to calm down.

He opened his eyes, now breathing much slower than before, and glanced around. The first thing he was able to make out in the darkness was his digital clock, or rather, the glowing green numbers on its screen. It was a quarter past three. He waited for a few seconds, still working on his breathing, until the number five turned into a six. Yes, time was passing. He felt his muscles relaxing slowly. His fingers finally let go of the sheets.

He glanced around. He could see his books, his computer and his mirror, reflecting the dim moonlight coming from his window. Mentally, he described them. Their colors, their positions, their shapes... the fear started to fade away as he slowly started to believe once again that the world around him was real. He had no proof, no indications whatsoever that his current reality was fake. Everything was in place... Everything was normal. Everything was fine.

Less than ten minutes later, he had already completely calmed down. He stretched his muscles and sat up on his bed, then sighed. It had been a while since the last time he had had a nightmare... He had almost forgotten how bad they were... Compared to his post-Distortion-World night terrors, his old childhood nightmares about his parents and bad school grades seemed like a joke. His nightmares back then were just bad dreams... the ones he had now were more like flashbacks. Terrifying, painful flashbacks...

But how could he have had a nightmare after all? Where was Ayumu? He cleared his throat and stood up. Clearly, Ayumu wasn't in the room with him... But that was strange, to say the least. Ayumu had been trained specifically not to do that, and up to that point he had never failed to fulfill his duty.

Cyrus left his room and walked through the hallway straight to the stairs. If Ayumu had left his room, then it had most likely gone downstairs, since all the other doors were closed on the second floor. There was light coming from the living room and Cyrus started to suspect that someone else was awake other than him.

His suspicions were soon proven to be right. Walking downstairs, he saw Archie, sitting on an armchair near the window, with Ayumu levitating next to him.

“Archie?” said Cyrus, in a mix of confusion and annoyance.

The other man turned his head at him. “Oh, hey there, Cyrus...” he said.

“What are you doing with Ayumu?” asked the Galactic Boss, approaching his housemate, but looking at his Pokémon.

“Oh... sorry, Cy” replied the Aqua Boss, “I borrowed Ayumu for a bit, hope you don't mind.”

“In fact, I very much do mind it.” Explained Cyrus, his intonation a bit more emphatic than his usual. “As far as I know, 'borrowing' implies on my knowledge and consent regarding your temporary possession of my belongings.”

Archie winced a little “Sheesh, Cyrus... Don't call the poor little fellow a 'belonging'... he's a Pokémon after all! A little living being like you or me...”

“I am aware of that, but he is currently under my care and therefore in my possession either way,” said the blue-haired man, “besides, Ayumu isn't only any useless Pokémon. He has a task to fulfill and you should not interrupt him on it.”

The other man hesitated a little before replying.

“Hey, wait a minute... No Pokémon is useless! Every little Pokémon has something to offer! Just like people! Everyone has something to give!”

Cyrus sighed heavily before continuing to speak.

“You are deviating from the topic. My point is: do not take Ayumu away in the middle of the night again. And please ask before taking anything from me.”

“Ay, captain!” Nodded Archie, not offended by the other man's complaints. “Sorry about that... Just didn't wanna wake you up, you see? You were sleeping so tight...That's why I didn't ask you before taking him.”

“Well, I would most likely have preferred to wake up with you than the way I did just now...” he said, looking away. “What are you doing awake at a time like this anyway?” he added, afraid that Archie might ask any questions.

Archie's face suddenly fell. “Oh well...” he said, “I'm worried about Maxie. He hasn't arrived yet...”

“From?”

“He went to a concert,” explained the Aqua Boss, “some tribute to an old guitarist who died or something like that... I was gonna go with him, but I was feeling sorta sick on my tummy... he ended up going with Tabitha...” For a few seconds, he remained in silence. “But he should have arrived by now.... and he doesn't answer his phone... I'm just so worried...”

“Hm” groaned Cyrus, unsure of what to say. The other man continued.

“That's why I took Ayumu, by the way! I thought since he's a psychic type, maybe he could help me calm down... I mean, I know several psychic types are capable of soothing people's nerves with their hypnotic abilities and so on...”

Cyrus squinted his eyes.

“Ayumu is a Munna, and Munnas are dream eaters... They are not interested in your mind unless you are sleeping,” he explained.

Archie chuckled, “oh well, Munnas do like a good sleepy noodle, that's true! But that doesn't mean they can't do other stuff! I've seen videos of Munnas that learned to eat away troubling thoughts from people's brains while they were awake!”

“Well,” replied the Galactic Boss, while gently placing his hand on Ayumu's head, “other Munnas may be able to calm people down while they are awake, but not Ayumu. He has been trained to eat my nightmares specifically, and nothing else.”

The other man seemed surprised. “Oh!” he exclaimed, “so you taught him which dreams he should eat? That's really neat!”

“No I didn't...” said Cyrus, “he was already trained when I received him... My psychologist has given him to me...” he made a brief pause, “I need him to be able to sleep properly...”

“Oooh” answered Archie, “so he's a service Pokémon! I didn't know that! Why didn't you tell anyone?”

Cyrus shrugged. “No one ever asked.”

“Heh!” chuckled Archie again, crossing his legs, “well, you know, boyo, people sometimes tell their friends things that they didn't ask about!”

“Yes, I've observed this phenomenon. It is very annoying” replied Cyrus.

“It's not annoying...” protested the other man, “that's how conversations go!”

“Precisely.” Cyrus frowned a little, “conversations are annoying. I very much prefer writing.”

The brown-haired man thought for a few seconds before replying.

“Well I've seen you giving huge speeches before... You can talk quite a lot for someone who doesn't like convos,” he said, then became silent once again. “You know, I think you're more fond of monologues... you can talk and talk without being interrupted and tell everyone what you think without other people disagreeing! That's why you like writing! 'Cause there's no one there to reply to you!” he concluded.

Cyrus widened his eyes.

“I...!” he said, but then huffed and looked away.

“What?”

“Nothing...” replied the blue-haired man, “I was about to protest, but I suppose you're right.”

Archie giggled.

“Well, I like conversations, you know? It's nice listening to people.”

“I could not disagree more,” answered Cyrus.

“Well, we're talking right now, is it that bad?”

Cyrus hesitated before replying. As much as he wanted to say “yes”, the fact is that it wasn't really that bad after all.

“It's not particularly annoying, but it is a waste of my time and yours,” he said, “which reminds me of the fact that It's past three and a half and I should be in bed right now.” he made a brief pause. “I'm going back to sleep. You should too.”

“Nah... I can't sleep...” answered Archie, once again becoming sad, “not without Maxie. You need your Munna to sleep and I need my husband.”

Cyrus raised an eyebrow.

“Didn't know Maxie was a dream eater...” he said, and Archie immediately looked up at him.

“Ha! I knew you had a good sense of humor deep inside, Cyrus!”

“That was not humor,” replied the other man, glancing away for a second.

“No?” asked Archie, frowning confused, “what was it then?”

Cyrus looked down, silent. He thought for almost a whole minute.

“Sophism,” he finally said and, upon realizing his housemate didn't seem to be familiar with the word, he developed, “a conclusion that seems to be correct according to the information given, but that is resultant from a false correlation between its elements and, therefore, is incorrect.”

Archie didn't seem to understand the whole explanation, but nodded anyway.

“OK... So, why did you use this sophism thingy right now?”

Once again, Cyrus was caught off guard. He stared at Archie for a short moment.

“I... don't know...” he confessed, “I just see people employing sophism in conversations all the time, so I guess I just... copied the behavior?” he started walking in small circles while he explained, “in fact, you had just used sophism yourself, when you compared my situation with Ayumu to your situation regarding Maxie... You created a false correlation, all I did was add the resultant incorrect conclusion. I mean, if I understood correctly, the reason why you cannot sleep without Maxie is because you're worried... this is a variable that is acting upon you right now, not a constant state. That, however, doesn't apply to me. I cannot sleep without Ayumu at any moment, regardless of what I am experiencing on that moment. Therefore, while your dependency on Maxie is situational, my dependency of Ayumu is invariable. It's not the same relation... Meaning your correlation was incorrect, despite the fact it seemed rational,” he concluded, then opened his arms, looking at Archie, and said “Sophism.”

Archie scratched his chin.

“Hm... you do know I was just joking, right, boyo?” he asked, and Cyrus blushed a little.

“So you mean to tell me that average people consider arriving at incorrect conclusions funny?” he asked, confused.

“Well, yeah,” replied the other man, “for example: peas are green... and melons are also green! Peas are round... and melons too! Peas come from plants and so do melons... that means melons are just very large peas!” he explained, then laughed a little and stared at Cyrus with a big smile on his face, but his housemate didn't show any reaction.

“Come on, it was funny,” added Archie.

“I'm not good with jokes...” explained the Galactic Boss, looking down.

“Meh... That's fine...” answered the Aqua Boss, “It was a pretty lame joke actually...”

There was a moment of silence. Archie kept staring at the window, fidgeting with his hands, while Cyrus remained still, not sure if it would be socially acceptable to just leave at that point.

The Aqua Boss sighed.

“Well...” said Cyrus. “Since Ayumu is unable to help you soothe your anxiety right now, I'm going to take him back with me...”

“Oh, yeah, sure!” said Archie, as if coming back to reality from a deep trance, “sorry again about taking him, I didn't know he was a therapy friend...” he thought for a few seconds, “you... you said he eats your bad dreams right? I hope you didn't have any sort of nightmare or anything because I took him...”

Cyrus looked away, slightly uncomfortable with that topic.

“Uhm. Yeah, to tell you the truth I did.”

“Oof... Sorry...” said Archie, “I really didn't want to cause that much trouble. Hope it wasn't a really bad nightmare.”

“It is always bad. That's part of the definition of a nightmare.” said the Galactic Boss, running out of patience.

“You wanna talk about it?” asked Archie.

Cyrus glanced at him.

“The only person who ever asked me that before was my therapist.”

“Well, I'm not a therapist, but I don't know... Talking can help sometimes!” answered the other man.

“There isn't much to talk about.” said Cyrus, “It was just a collection of vivid flashbacks from my most traumatic experiences, like always...”

“That... sounds like a lot to talk about actually, boyo.”

“Well, if I were to describe it and explain the whole thing, it would certainly take a while. But there is no point in talking about it. And I honestly would prefer not to...” he said, then made a short pause before continuing, “I've had a good share of discomfort by revisiting them in dreams already, I don't wanna repeat that by revisiting it via descriptions now.”

“I understand... You don't have to tell me if it makes you feel bad, Cy.” said Archie, in a way that reminded Cyrus of his therapist again. “I just wanted you to know that you can always talk to me if you feel like you need to open up to someone, alright?”

“Uhm... OK.” answered the other man, nodding and looking down. He didn't have lots of experience with that kind of talk. It sounded like something he should have heard from his parents when he was a child, but never did. No one had ever told him this kind of thing before. He didn't really know why, but that was comforting, and he started to feel like talking more. “Since you said this...” he added, timidly, “I suppose I'm going to share something else. I had a brief anxiety attack after waking up just now.”

“Oof...” said Archie, “I've never had one of those, but I know they are pretty awful.”

“Yes. But I was able to contain it,” added Cyrus, almost proudly, “my therapist has taught me some techniques to calm down.”

“That's great!” said Archie, “Proud of you, boyo! It's probably difficult to stop that from happening. Guess that's progress, eh?”

“I... guess...” said Cyrus. “Thanks.”

Archie looked down.

“I'm feeling sorta bad, though... You had that anxiety thingy because of me, right? Because I took Ayumu?”

“Yes, I guess that's not incorrect,” said Cyrus, “It was a consequence of my nightmare, which only occurred due to Ayumu's absence, so yes, it was an indirect consequence of your actions.”

“Darn...” replied Archie. “I'm sorry, Cy. I'm never gonna take Ayumu again! Promise!”

“That's good” said the blue-haired man.

“I wanted to soothe my anxiety and ended up making yours worse... Bad, Archie! Bad!” He said, then sighed again and looked at the window. He was still thinking about Maxie.

“If you have anxiety, then you should go see a psychologist too, you know?” said Cyrus.

“Oh, no, no, sorry!” explained the Aqua Boss, “I don't have anxiety, like... the disorder. I was talking about this feeling of uneasiness, you know? It's just something I'm feeling right now.”

“Oh” answered Cyrus, then scratched his head, “and... do you want to talk about it?” he asked, trying to be polite.

“Yeah, if you don't mind it...” said the other one, “I mean, I told you before, I'm worried about Maxie... You see, he is the most important person in my life! So, well... I know he must be OK, but I can't help thinking that something bad might have happened, you know? What if they had an accident? Or maybe they were mugged! Or maybe...” he put his hand over his mouth and shook his head, “Anything could have happened... And when I think about that... I think about how bad it would be If I ever lost him... I just...” he swallowed hard, “I don't know what I would do without him... I can't even think about it...”

“Hm...” said Cyrus, “Why do you think something bad happened to him, though?”

“Because it's almost four and he hasn't shown up! Or messaged me!” said Archie.

“What time should he have arrived?”

“He said 'something between two and three in the morning'...” he replied, then crossed his arms, “I mean, it hasn't been that long, he is not that late... but it's Maxie, he would have either messaged me or called if he knew he would be late...” Saying that, Archie puffed and fidgeted, clearly very nervous. He continued, “I'm just so worried... I mean, I love Maxie, but he's not an excellent driver... What if he crashed? Darn! I just hope he didn't crash the car... I hope he didn't... I hope he is not hurt!”

“uh...” began to say Cyrus, but soon noticed Archie wasn't done speaking yet.

“I should have gone with him!” continued the other man, “I shouldn't have stayed home just because of a sore tummy... I'm not even sick anymore! I could have gone with him... I should have! If I had gone with him, I could have avoided this...”

“This what?” asked Cyrus.

“This... This situation!” answered Archie.

“But you don't know what the situation is, therefore you don't know if you could have avoided it...” replied the Galactic Boss.

“Uh... Yeah...” said Arche, “I guess, but... What I meant is, if I were with him, if anything went wrong, I could at least try to protect him...”

“I don't believe being with him would have changed the outcome of the situation. Consider he had a car accident. You don't drive, so he would have been the one driving either way. Chances are, he would have had the accident anyway. Or if he got mugged... If a person was willing to mug him and Tabitha, the same person might as well have mugged him if he were with you. And resisting it would be worse, so it would have been the same.” explained Cyrus.

“Well... Yeah...” replied the Aqua Boss, “But I don't know, I would at least be with him... At least I would know what's going on...”

“Yes, that makes sense,” the blue-haired man crossed his arms, thoughtful, “your uneasiness right now results from the fact that you don't know what is going on with your husband... However, if you do not know what happened, that means trying to solve the problem now will be pointless.”

“Well, I'm not trying to solve it... I'm just... I'm just worried...”

“What for, though? I mean, very well, it will be very bad if something negative has happened to Maxie. However, you have no evidence of that whatsoever” said Cyrus, “while Maxie could have had a car accident or gotten hurt in any other way, he also could have gotten lost in a place with no phone signal, or the concert could have lasted much longer than it should have and it's still going on... or he could have stopped to eat something in a cheap restaurant and Tabitha got stuck in the toilet stall and they are trying to open the door, and that is occupying him so much that he forgot to call you. There is a nearly uncountable number of possibilities of things that could have happened, and you do not know which one has actually happened... Therefore, keeping your mind busy with trying to figure out something that, for all practical purposes, is impossible to find out right now... That is pointless.”

“Whoa...” said Archie, “Hold your Mudsdales, boyo... I think I got lost somewhere in your explanation.”

“I'm going to try to explain again, then,” said the other man, “my therapist told me to examine my thoughts regarding anxiety, panic and fear. One of the things I was taught is to analyze whether or not there is empirical evidence that can confirm the thoughts I am having. That is, is there anything I can actually observe that indicates something is wrong right now, or is everything coming from my own mind?”

“Well... Maxie is late... that is real, it's a fact” said Archie.

“It is. However, the only objective conclusion we can take from this I that, most probably, something unexpected happened to Maxie tonight. Still, we don't have how to verify whether or not this unexpected event has harmed Maxie in any way or not...”

“Hm.. Yeah, I mean... I don't know if he's hurt or not...”

“Exactly. You don't even know if he had a real problem or not,” said Cyrus, “and yet you already deduced you should have gone with him to avoid a hypothetical problem that may not even be real, and if real could not even be avoidable to begin with.”

Archie sighed, then smiled a little.

“Yeah... Maybe he's just fine... but what if he isn't?”

“Is there anything you can do if he isn't?” asked Cyrus, “Is there any way you might know if he isn't?”

“No...” said Archie, “and that... is scary...”

Cyrus opened his mouth a little, but said nothing. He looked down.

“I get that” he said, after a few seconds, “fear is... pretty much irrational. And sometimes the things our mind comes up with are really terrifying...”

Archie nodded.

“But we need to try to fight back rationally,” continued the other man, “because, well... if you just listen to all the horrible things your mind can make up, you will end up paralyzed with fear. The fact is that the possibilities are endless when you start to think about what could have been, or what could be... Sometimes I look around and I ask myself 'what if none of this is real and one day I just wake up in the Distortion World'... And that's very... well,” he looked away once again, ashamed, “scary...” he said. “But I can't live every day of my life in fear that at any moment I'll wake up in another reality. I have to be down to earth and rational and base my thoughts on what I can actually observe... On what is materially, objectively and undoubtedly real...”

“I didn't know you felt that way, boyo...” said Archie, “Don't worry, though. I'm here and I can guarantee to you that this house is real, no Distortion World here!”

“Hm... Thanks for this addition,” said Cyrus, “still, let's get back to your problem. The reason I said all this is because you have to be rational now and try to contain your anxiety. If there is no evidence that Maxie is hurt right now, and there is nothing you can do to verify that or to change that, so avoid thinking about that. It is better to hope for the best instead...”

“Heh...” chuckled Archie, “You're right, boyo... Not that it isn't difficult not to wonder what could have happened...”

“The fact is that so far, his absence can be explained by many different things. If he had been absent for, let's say... two days, or something... That would have narrowed the possible explanations. The longer he has been away, the less explanations you can think of, so you have more reasons to believe something bad has actually happened. But so far, it's still not that much time, as you said earlier...”

“True”, said the Aqua Boss, “maybe I should at least wait a bit longer...”

“I think that sounds reasonable.”

“Yeah...”

Once again, there was a brief moment of silence.

“Thanks for talking to me about this, Cy!” said Archie, smiling, “it really helped me. I'm still worried... But I feel a bit calmer.”

“You're welcome,” said Cyrus, “I didn't expect to be able to help, honestly.”

“Well, I told you everyone has something to give!” Archie smiled.

“Usually what I have to give is knowledge in physics, though”, answered the Galactic boss, and suddenly the other man started laughing.

“I like your jokes, Cyrus...” he said, still giggling.

“It was not a joke” replied the other man.

“It was still funny.”

“Well, I'm going back to my room and try to sleep the rest of the night,” said Cyrus.

“Okie! Have a good rest, Cy... I'll be here waiting for Max...”

Cyrus turned around and headed to the staircase, Ayumu following him right after. As soon as he started going up the stairs, he heard the front door opening.

“Maxie!” he heard Archie say, and looked back at the living room. The Magma Boss had just entered the house and the two men were hugging.

“Oh, Archie... I'm so sorry! My phone ran out of battery and Tabitha forgot his phone charging again!” said Maxie, “I couldn't warn you I'd get home late...”

Cyrus started going upstairs again, but still could hear the couple's conversation.

“I was so worried, baby...” said Archie... “what happened?”

“Well, The show was great, but they gave so many encores that when we left, the subways had already stopped running... So I had to take Tabitha to his house, and it's on the other side of the city so...”

The Galactic Boss entered his room, followed by his Munna. It was exactly 4 a.m.

“Well. I've got three hours of sleep left, Ayumu,” he said, “Could have saved nearly an hour if I hadn't stayed so long with Archie... But that's OK.”

Ayumu gently floated down and laid on Cyrus' bed. The blue-haired man sat down by the Pokémon's side, patted it on the back and then laid down on his bed next to it. He closed his eyes and soon fell asleep again. Ayumu snuggled up against his trainer and, within less than a minute, a thick magenta stream of mist started exhaling from the pink circle between his eyes.

—— (Scene by GabiWaffle)

[atomicfilm]

hey, so I'm gonna ask about INTP stereotypes. I'm doing research about some MBTI types to my story, so I would like to know what should I avoid in order to create a reliable female INTP character, are there any common misconceptions? if you want to add anything about INTPs, like weird stuff they do, what do they like or very random things that nobody talks about, I would love to hear about it!

Awesome! If you ever need someone to read it, I’m open to that. I think one of the main misconceptions is how cold we are externally A lot of types might look at us and think we’re standoffish. However, I can actually warm up quite quickly with the right encouragement. The best approach is not to compliment me, it will make me feel awkward and probably slightly avoidant even if I don’t consciously intend to. I don’t really like to be observed in that way when I’m not trying to be. A better way is to tell a few jokes, make really random references, and get me used to the idea of you being in my physical space in a non-creepy, non-confrontational way (a fist bump or high-five will do). 

There are a lot of nuances I would say. I am very insecure and very confident at the same time. Generally, I’m very confident in my academic abilities and very insecure about my social interactions. 

INTPs aren’t all math all the time. I’m certainly not an engineer, even though I admire engineering from afar. I’m generally the most willing person to shut down people who are being assholes in class (i.e. those really loud kids that exist in every math class) and also contemplate other people’s ideas. However, some INTPs I know are actual engineers. This is very cool, but I’m also aware of the fact that they too get insecure about their math-skills as well because math is cool but not always conducive to the way we think. We’re kind of sporadic thinkers and not algorithmic as much. We can be really talented but are also generally at least a little unstructured (but a lot of types won’t see that, i.e. ENFPs typically think we have our lives figured out). 

Everyone likes different things, it’s certainly not limited to type! I only know two other INTPs and they are both guys. I actually am pretty sure i know one other woman INTP but I haven’t spoken to her in four years. I don’t think any of us have a super-strong affiliation with gender and certainly not gender stereotypes (although we all are huge feminists). Perhaps the main misunderstanding is how much we care. Just because we may not outwardly respond does not mean that we didn’t hear the rude thing someone said to us or we aren’t furious about something happening in the world. 

Another common thing for us is just being misunderstood. My INTP friends and I call each other aliens and it feels very true a lot of the time. Being an outsider is evident, even if we are well-liked. 

I can be seen as sarcastic, snarky, blunt, and I am to an extent, all of those things, but I am not mean. I am very, very intentional about the boundaries I cross and often map out what will upset certain people to avoid hurting their feelings. When I do hurt feelings, it is generally because I have hit the end of my human feeling knowledge (i.e. what do you say to someone whose dad died if you are not religious, they are not religious, they didn’t know him and he was a bad person, but they are crying). I think now I would say “I am here for you, you can cry it out, let’s get you home”. But five years ago when I was in that situation, I didn’t say anything, just let my friend cry on my shoulder and when people came up to us, I told them that she didn’t want to talk. I was trying my best to be there emotionally, but I didn’t have the right schema yet. 

My Ne/Si is a cause of a lot of my fights, actually. I tend to build schemas a lot (as most people do) but I am strict in my predictions of what I think people will do. Usually, people do not stray from my predictions but sometimes they do. When that happens, I’m either laughing my ass off and super excited about being surprised or I feel like I have betrayed myself by not being able to predict every outcome. 

To write a good INTP character, you ought to give them a lot of comforting things. We like the friends we’ve had for many years, we like to wear the same jacket every week, we often order the same things off menus and say the same jokes and try to keep things quality-controlled. (I’m 19 and I still make pillow forts.) Then, to write a good book, you should mess everything up for your INTP.

If you need some emotional conflict, give them an Fi user. I personally fight with every Fi user I have ever known because there is always eventually a conflict that goes like this: 

Fi:“YOU HURT MY FEELINGS. I’M SAD, WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME?”

Fe: “Your feelings do not make sense in this logical construct I have programmed to understand human emotions.”

AND/OR

“You are hurting other people’s feelings.”

OH, and another large misunderstanding. INTPs talk more or less like normal people. I have an incredibly colloquial style because formal writing is alienating and often misused. My INTP friends typically love memes as well as puns, bad jokes, and writing texts in stanzas like a drunkard poet. So yeah, we’re not all like “wahhh, you don’t speak in Python, my computer-brain doesn’t like this” (but also we kinda do just in different vernacular).

I also think that INTPs are not incredibly skilled at understanding who they are, even if they appear to be. I can analyze myself all day bebeY but if you ask me what my name is or what I’m doing I’m often like “yeah, idk, who am I? What is the purpose of existence?”. Actually, one of the easiest ways to identify an INTP in my personal belief is to shout very loudly “SO I WAS READING THIS EXISTENTIALIST BOOK THE OTHER DAY-”. 

INTPs have a nice dichotomy of wanting stability but getting very bored once they’ve figured something out. If I am not planning something, I am depressed point-blank. Another cool dichotomy is disliking conflict but being sensitive and standing up for people (learned skill).

Hope this helped! Feel free to ask me about how I would respond in a certain situation too. 

P.S. Why can’t I add tags to asks until after I’ve posted them? Extremely inefficient. 

[monchikyun]

IX. roadside loneliness

Gavin is totally screwed, there’s no way around it. Who gave his greedy heart the permission to speak anyway. Why didn’t he put a lock on his running mouth before he decided to perform some kind of bonding ritual with the person who is ruining his life in the best way one ever could. He tries to justify it to himself, puts blame on the perfect moment that had made him lose his guard. Things always get out of hand whenever one of them crosses the flimsy boundary they have so carefully set up. His feelings just can’t help going outside their cage whenever their source starts mirroring them and plant dangerous ideas to his head while they’re at it. They entice him with the possibility that Connor could love him too. That he isn’t just tolerating his advances for the sake of their relationship, that he hasn’t done all this because he’s afraid Gavin would leave him alone if he said no.

If only he wasn’t such a coward and finally asked. “Hey Connor, do you maybe have feelings for me?” Yeah, that’s never ever going to happen. He’d rather spend the rest of his life in solitude than do something this embarrassing. And it’s not that he fears rejection, but the moment his little bubble of hope gets burst, there is no telling how his twisted mind will react. He fears that he would hurt Connor by returning to his old, callous self. It’s not easy to admit, but the android has played the main role in his path to redemption. Without him, he would still be a racist asshole ready to go after those who have done him no harm. He owes Connor more than he could ever pay back, so why does he put their hard-earned connection at risk all the time. Why does he think he can go on like this, aching for someone who requires stability, solid ground under his feet, not the bottomless abyss Gavin has become throughout the years no one was there to make sure he doesn’t fall the wrong way. If only… if he had met Connor before he went bad, then things would have had the chance to work out. Though the android hasn’t even been created back then, so at least he doesn’t have to beat himself over for not finding him sooner.  

If only they didn’t spend the night together, leaning onto each other like they needed one another to survive the night. Gavin did, and Connor looked like the company served to calm his mind down. It was a bit selfish of him, but he doesn’t remember ever enjoying a sexless sleepover this much. No one-night stand could ever compare to holding the hand of the person he loves all through the night. He has no idea how happy romantic relationships work, for he has no experience in that area, but if they are anything like this, he has been missing out quite a lot. Maybe what they already have is enough, since every time he’s with Connor, he feels like his life his complete. The occasional intimacy is just the cherry on top.

So he makes himself believe that as long as he gets to be a part of Connor’s life, he’ll be fine.

“What are you smiling at?” Connor has switched from watching the world speed by behind the passenger window to observing his ugly mug. Gavin hasn’t even realised that he let his thoughts escape the confines of his mind, not that he usually does. It surprises him that his face displays contentment when it’s all rain inside.

“You’d like to know, wouldn’t you,” he chuckles, readying himself for what he’ll have to deal with at his destination.  

                                                      ❄️ ❄️ ❄️

They have been driving for three hours already and Connor has no clue about where exactly they’re heading. All he has been told that Gavin wants to visit his family because no one should be alone around Christmas time. He’s tempted to search through his personal files to find out more about the people they’re about to visit, but he’s sworn he wouldn’t and he doesn’t want to betray his friend’s trust like that. Asking hasn’t worked either. Ever since the night they shared together their communication has become more of a chore than it normally is. It’s like Gavin isn’t even here half the time, like he has departed somewhere far away without bothering to say goodbye. Maybe registering him as his owner has really been a mistake. Connor has only managed to put an unwanted burden on him without giving him the option to refuse. Gavin is weak when it comes to dealing with his broken android partner, that much Connor knows, so it wasn’t fair misusing the man’s feelings for his personal benefit like that. Perhaps when they have another peaceful moment together, then he’ll explain himself. Gavin deserves that much.

He passes time watching the detective concentrate on the snowy road beyond the windshield. The lights emanating from oncoming cars get reflected in his eyes, creating a mesmerising image which makes Connor completely entranced. Gavin isn’t perhaps a conventional beauty, but for him, there is no one more captivating. Just the mere sight of him makes his thirium pump beat faster, and he keeps wondering why his mind doesn’t allow him to speak the three defining words. Would it really be so awful if he let him know just how much he means to him? Probably. Gavin might get scared and shut him out completely. Maybe sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry rather than do or die.

The night sky has yet again started spilling out a fresh batch of snowflakes, causing Gavin to slow down. He does seem to be upset by that since he mumbles something impolite under his breath.

“Are we expected at a certain hour?”  The android hopes he’ll be welcome at all, considering who he is.  

The question causes Gavin’s stress levels to spike and before Connor can react, the car pulls over by the side of the road. 

“No… actually, can you,” he takes a deep breath while his entire body is shaking… “can you please get out of the car, I… I need to do this alone.”

Something stabs Connor in the chest, yet he does his best to remain collected. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m sorry. I’ll pick you up when… when I’m done.”

He can hear the pain in Gavin’s voice and understands that sometimes there is nothing he can do. 

“Okay. I’ll wait for you.”

And just like that, Connor is being covered by the falling snow, ambling aimlessly alongside the road. He’s lucky that there’s a pavement, for he doesn’t want to repeat his little high-way chase ever again. Back then it was he who left someone behind, though the circumstances were very different. He really shouldn’t think about that time, lest it makes him paralysed with guilt here in the middle of nowhere, with no chance of rescue. The only person who has the ability to soothe him is busy handling his own issues right now, and good for him too. 

He can’t say it doesn’t hurt, that he wouldn’t rather be in the car with him trying to help with whatever he could. But Gavin doesn’t let him, and that is one of the most painful things the man could have done to him. Connor isn’t afraid nor is he cold, he isn’t even angry at Gavin for throwing him out of the vehicle. He just feels rejected, lonely. Wondering why he came here in the first place. Sure, it was all Gavin’s idea, and Connor trusted that he would be of use. Yet in the end, it has all been a waste. He’s been but a dead-weight meant only to burden.

It’s okay. Gavin hasn’t abandoned him, he just needs a moment for himself. So Connor will be here, patiently waiting till he returns. It could take an eternity and he still wouldn’t give up on him, despite the ache and all that comes with it. 

A snowflake lands on his forehead, just like it did on the first day of December. But this time, it doesn’t melt. It stays there, keeping him company like it can sense the forlornness growing inside of him.

“I’m not going to cry this time,” he mutters to himself.

A promise he will soon break.

@a-convin-new-year

[mystech-master]

Blazblue rewrites Part 1: The Age of Origin and beginning of the Looping World.

(put this on my Reddit may as well put it here)

As we all know, the Blazblue series is one of the most convoluted and over-complicated pieces of media ever. Mainly due to its quantum physics talk and very chuuni dialogue and a lack of good explanation for a lot of points. Naturally, one good thing about being a fan is that through the power of hindsight we can look at the entire series and basically fix what we think was messed up. Of course, we have this freedom since we are usually individual people, don't have a massive writing staff and marketing we need to appeal to, and pretty much the entire skeleton and pieces are there, they just need to be rearranged and/or be tweaked a bit.

I remember getting into Blazblue around the end of high school/beginning of college, almost 5 years ago. I thought the setting was neat and I am into anime action BS. Of course, the story was bonkers and made no sense until I started looking deeper but the main thing that has bugged me were the characters. There is just so much Bullshit that the characters do and brush off that just irritates me, especially when it comes to Ragna. This series has made me rethink the meaning of life, of showing kindness to people, or if "doing things because it's right" is a good enough excuse, how much should you desire your own happiness? All sorts of existential questions that Blazblue has made me think, not from the plot, but just from the BS character interactions.

If you check out my Ragna the Bloodedge tag, or have just been following me for a while, you will see/know how much I will defend this guy to the fucking grave because of all the bullshit that this guy is expected to take and deal with and it being seen as"inspiring" or "heroic" when it is really just sad to me. It isn't me liking the character, it is just a massive amount of pity and feeling sorry for him, to the point where I kind of have a massive bias towards him and end up making him an all-powerful unstable badass in most of my fic ideas with him. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I wanted to lay out my ideas for how I would make a Blazblue rewrite. If anyone wants to use these in their own fanfic, feel free. I don't give a shit about credit.

Starting with the timeline, we have the XBlaze series, Bloodedge Experience, and the core C-Series (ft.

the Phase Shift Novels, and Remix/Variable Heart Manga). In the actual story these are all separate “Possibilities”, or Timelines/Universes. That is dumb and I think that we can tweak things to make it all one linear timeline.

XBlaze takes place in the year 2050, 50 years before the Dark War is stated to begin, and 149-150 years before the main games start. This is plenty of time to make things different. We know from the backstory that Takamagahara, the god-supercomputer that mankind made, was not completed in this possibility due to Touya’s mother iirc. In my idea, all this does is delay the inevitable, Takamagahara will be made, just at a later date now. (edit) There is also the Mitsurugi agency, which was kind of behind the Wadatsumi incident in XBlaze's backstory. With their connections to the Mage's Guild, the Amanohokosaka Clan, and their desire to get the Azure, we could say that this is the agency that discovered the Susanoo, the Boundary, and did most of these experiments to the Prime Fields.

I do not know the exact year when Bloodedge Experience takes place, but I am going to estimate around 10-15+ years from XBlaze, putting it at 2060-2065+, since they do mention Mei as the head/leader of the Amanohokosaka Clan. I am not too sure what the branching-off point is here, Valkenhayn mentions Clavis having killed Naoto in the core C-Series Possibility so maybe it was during their initial meeting. But is Naoto surviving gonna change that much? The only other detail that would need addressing would be Raquel’s relationship with Rachel. According to the wiki bio “Raquel was created when a user of Soul Eater went havoc and killed hundreds upon thousands of people. Clavis Alucard stopped the user and killed them, but was forced to take the lives of 128,932 people in order to do so. When this happened, he held an Embryo. Three years later, the Embryo became Raquel and she was born. Maybe sometime later Raquel could end up being killed or something and another Embryo results in Rachel. I mean we never see or hear mention of a mother, or maybe it’s some reincarnation thing? IDK. We see how stern Clavis was with Raquel, so maybe seeing his first “daughter” die he ends up spoiling the next one rotten, leading to the kind of haughty holier-than-thou Rabbit we know today.

However, all of this needs to be put in perspective of the Origin and Terumi. I may mess up some of the finer details.

The plot of Blazblue started when Susanoo ditched his body, the Susanoo Unit, and then mankind discovered it underground. They excavated it, dug deeper, and found a Cauldron which led to the Boundary, within which they found the Master Unit, the God Computer that would allow them to control reality, and beyond that, they found the Azure, basically the primordial absolute force of the Blazblue Universe. However, the Master Unit can only respond to something anthropomorphic/humanoid and humans can’t survive the Boundary. So they made the Prime Field Devices, Androids meant to go into the Boundary. Pretty weirdly specific criteria that results in robot girls but I don’t see how I can mess with this.

One of them manages to reach the Master Unit and upon touching it she gains the Eyes of the Azure which gives it the power of the Azure and basically becomes not only sentient, but basically a god. The Humanity, freaked out about her new free will and the power she now has, tosses her back into the Boundary. Within the Boundary, the PFD, the Origin as we know her, sees her “sister” units all being tortured. Most likely to break any souls they have so the scientists don’t have to deal with their “free will” getting in the way of their plans. Maybe to bring in Terumi telling Noel that they became weapons, other groups heard of the guys making the PFDs and them getting god power and obviously would be trying to stop them/take this power for themselves, so they decided to make the PFDs into mindless robo-soldiers to fight them off. Origin gets mad and ends up making all of them sentient. Probably by Observing them as sentient, like she sees all of these things “like her” so obviously they must be sentient or at least have the potential for sentience. Kind of like Jotaro going “It’s a similar type of Stand '' to DIO and then getting Time Stop.

Anyways now mankind is fighting these robot girls who want revenge for being treated like tools, all humanity sees is all these in-human weapons killing them for no reason, just because destroying is what a weapon does, and with the Master Unit’s Phenomenon Intervention, they can just rewrite all of their failures into victories. Mankind sees the Origin and the Master Unit as basically the same thing, an evil machine god. His leads into why the Origin and Amaterasu can’t just be separated so Ragna doesn’t have to sacrifice himself to stop the time loops, the world sees The Origin and Amaterasu as one, there is no distinction. This is also apparently the time period when Clavis Alucard helped mankind make the Izayoi, with its Immortal Breaker and ability to resist Observation to fight against the Origin and the PFDs. Ironic that it eventually became known as the prototype for the Lux Sanctus: Murakumo, but I’ll talk about that later.

So what does mankind do? Make a Black Beast to destroy it. I mean we are told to believe that a Black Beast is the result of Azure Grimoire (or just a piece of the Azure) + Murakumo Unit = either a Black Beast if the fusion is imperfect, and a powerful Kusanagi God Slayer is done right. But tell me, why the hell would they build ANOTHER Prime Field Device to fight the PFDs? I will be getting into the exact nature of Black Beasts later. Mankind is apparently cool with the Black Beast destroying the world because so long as they can get the Azure and plug it into Takamagahara, which is basically a manmade Master Unit supercomputer, they can just reset time. But due to a bug or something, the Master Unit stopped this and when the world was destroyed she just made a new one based on her memories. This is the world the characters live in now. And since the last thing she remembers about the world is the Black Beast and obviously she doesn’t want the world to hate and try to kill her, the Black Beast enters the world with everyone having no context to its existence and no other enemy to fight, leading to the Black Beast going from a weapon of Mutually Assured Destruction, to the new Ultimate Evil Enemy of the World.

A few things we need to take note of here.

XBlaze and Bloodedge Experience would need to take place during the Age of Origin, between mankind discovering the Boundary but before the Prime Field War starts. I mean the two things needed for that part to start would be Prime Fields and Takamagahara, and while there is Es who is sort of a PFD, you could simply say that her model isn’t suited for full Boundary Exploration. I know I am really glossing over the Embryo stuff about her but I haven’t seen XBlaze stuff in a while and I would need to find a way to connect it with the Embryo in Centralfiction.

Apparently, there was some off-screen war in which Hihiirokane (the Soul Cutting Sword protected by Jubei’s clan, used by his brother Tomonori to fight Terumi, then put in Clavis’ grave) was used to fight some enemy, “Outside of logic”. I have no idea what this is and it feels like something that shouldn’t be glossed over.

Mankind made a Black Beast on their side to get the Azure and fight the Master Unit, which A. means that in a weird way the Black Beast was sort of on mankind’s side at first before the Origin retconned it into being the destroyer, and B. mankind would have needed to make a Murakumo Unit to fight the Murakumos, knowing that the Origin is making them sentient and turn on them, which kind of feels like a dumb move. But again, I will get to this later.

This will all lead into the Looping World. Now, this is weird because of the main thing which the loop revolves around, The Black Beast. It is either A. as Terumi says in CS, a Cauldron that went batshit (which is precedent by the short story That Which Is Inherited where Sector Seven tries to smelt a Nox but everything goes tits up and a Black Beast forms from the Cauldron (no souls or prime field required), or B. a Time Displaced Ragna and Nu. The Black Beast is a Self-Observing weapon. Observation in Blazblue basically means “deciding if/how something exists” by Observing itself, the Black Beast declares its existence in this time period, which means that no matter what time paradoxical BS you may try to pull, it will always appear (Kind of reminds me of the Time Medallions Clockwork gives team Phantom in Danny Phantom). But a less mind-mushing way to look at it could simply be that, no matter what, this will always happen. Like, say the Assassination of Kennedy is Observed as an event that must ALWAYS happen, then even if you find and stop the sniper. He is gonna still die. Maybe there is another sniper, maybe the sniper gets a good hit on you and manages to make another shot down the road, but anyway you slice it, Kenedy gets shot. That event is permanently locked in history and no matter what you do, this event is inevitable.

But suggestion A is weird because it could either mean that 1. He is talking about the first Black Beast from the Age of Origin, or 2. Since that part of the story probably wasn’t written yet and they are talking about this specific Beast, he is talking about the Dark War Black Beast, in which case there actually was a bit of time before the time loops started, or at least the very first loop, so then there was a bit of time before shit went sideways.

Maybe the Origin didn’t make a Black Beast war and it was all Terumi’s idea. The world would’ve continued as normal but since Terumi hated the Master Unit and mankind wanted power, they tried to make a Kusanagi but it fucked up and made a Black Beast, but without a publicly known Prime Field War to justify it, mankind doesn't see this as a necessary evil which will get the Azure and then reset the world better for them, it’s just a big evil monster.

Okay, that is my interpretation of the Age of Origin for my Blazblue rewrite idea. Not many changes since this is all pretty self-contained and not much needs expanding on. Just make sure to justify some actions and connect the three timelines. I probably missed out on a lot of finer details but I think I got the broad strokes of it. Feel free to correct me.

Next time I will cover the Dark War and hopefully go into explaining how I would make the Powerset make a bit more sense (Ars Magus, Grimoires, Nox Nyctores, the Azure Grimoire, and the Black Beast).

[thosetwistedtales]

What’s with Higgs’ smelling & licking people?

I told some of you that I had thoughts and that I’d be sharing them sometime soon, and so--- now I am. 😈 And I think I’m gonna try to break this down into three parts cause Higgs... is a rather complicated man.

Conscious | External 

Starting with the obvious here in the reason why Higgs busts past these very obvious personal boundaries is because he’s an asshole with ISSUES. Listen---, Higgs spent his childhood getting the shit beat out of him by his uncle. He had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no real means of defending himself when he was a child in comparison to his adult-sized ‘guardian’. He had no control over what happened to him. His life was literally in the palms of his uncle’s abusive hands... And he damn near ended it. Would’ve in all likelihood if Higgs hadn’t defended himself and eliminated the threat of him altogether. 

Point being in the aftermath from what we know of canon Higgs started off as a freelance independent porter, who eventually built up his own porter company, and later became partners with Fragile as Co-Ceo’s of their companies. Since teenhood, Higgs has never let himself be put in a position where someone else was in charge of him. And within the narrative of canon events its made CLEAR Higgs has a thing for flexing just how powerful he is, how little control those who come across him truly have.  “♪ I’ve got the whole world in the palm of my hand.~♪” & “The name’s Higgs. The particle of god that permeates all existence.”

Subtle right? 😂. The way he invades the personal space of others like those boundaries mean less than nothing to him, like social norms like polite space are unspoken rules that happen to other people but not him, how he literally licks people just because he knows he can, wants to prove it. Licks them because he knows just how damn unsettling it is. Licks people like---.                             “ I  l i c k e d  i t  s o  i t ’ s  M I N E. ”  a.) he does it cause he can b.) he does it cause he’s an absolute dickweed  c.) he does it cause he’s a fucking wacko weirdo who likes messing with people 

Subconscious | Internal 

“...We have five senses, but only two that go beyond the boundary of ourselves. When you look at someone, it’s just bouncing light, or when you hear them, it’s just sound waves, vibrating air, the way touch is just tingling nerve endings. Know what smell is? It’s made up of the molecules of what you’re smelling.”

...Ya’ll catch on to how Higgs is lowkey really into ancient civilizations and how the people of old as dirt times interacted with each other and the world around them? There’s his whole fascination with ancient Egyptians, we also get bits from his monologuing to Sam during that good old fashioned boss fight on the beach. He talks about the first tools of mankind but doesn’t get into the physical ones that we’re all born with. OUR SENSES. The ones he tends to use himself a lot specifically... Scent & Taste.

 As human beings, we use what we have to survive. We rely on our senses to navigate how to interact with the world. Because both scent & taste have to do with the stimuli involved in taking into the body these senses are often referred to as gatekeepers. As senses go both of these are extremely hard to lie to or manipulate. You can’t exactly control the concentration of airborne molecules or how your tastebuds experience oral stimuli. They are arguably our first line of defense, our natural armor. We use them as our personal alarm system (smoke, disease, other potential threats), component of flavor (quality of food before we eat/ingest it), physical communication (pheromones). I mean they’re the basics of survival. What smells/tastes BAD = not good/dangerous? What smells/tastes GOOD = good/safe!

As someone who had to use everything he had growing up to ensure his own survival, as a man who chose a profession that relied on his senses and instincts it makes every bit of sense to me that on a subconscious level at least..., Higgs would choose to continue to use them in how he interacts with the world around him, especially for those he has a keen interest in, or feels a connection to... He is a rather tactile individual after all.

Deep Dive | Intimate

Lastly, both pieces tie into this... Want & Instinct. Fragile was arguably one of the few people Higgs’ has ever connected with on a level beyond mere survival. Beyond what he NEEDED, and stepped into want. Into living. Partnering with her was a smart business move and while it may have been her DOOMS abilities that attracted him in the first place I think from an observer’s stand point just how he chooses to interact with her both in the flashback and their reunion.... 

We may never know the complexities of their relationship but Fragile clearly meant a great deal to him. Even if he hated her at one point, was jealous of her (her abilities, the childhood she had, the relationship with her loving PROUD father), you don’t look at someone the way Higgs’ looked at Fragile during the final moments we see them together on the beach, you don’t lean into their touch, and you certainly don’t leave them a personal note in your bunker asking them to forget you, to give up the bitterness and desire for revenge that’s clearly destroying them. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Something Higgs CLEARLY doesn’t have when it comes to his ex partner... For better or for worse Higgs cares about Fragile.

A similar argument can be made for how he may feel about Sam given the context of his actions within canon. Sure most of the non-lethal interactions we see between them can still be chalked up to Higgs being an asshole and having made a hobby out of fucking with everyone’s favorite porter just for funsies. But------ I doubt that’s all there was to it. 

As I’ve said, Higgs’ is a complicated individual. A grown-ass man with grown-ass feelings and given his journals and what context clues we’re given in scenes it's my opinion that Higgs was fond of both Fragile & Sam.  And with what limited experience he had making friends--- it’s not out there to think the oddity and the abrasive way he handles social interaction with them both is a might bit awkward. A tad CRINGE. Not unlike that of a youngster picking on the kids he finds fun and mayhaps develops a kind of crush on and wants to get to know better but doesn’t quite know how or knows what to do with his interest and feelings.

Yeah in that context the thing with the licking and smelling thing is still hella creep but makes a bit more sense no?

Keep in mind that scent and taste are the senses most closely linked to memory. The memories we get through experiencing stimuli through these senses tend to be the most vivid and easily recalled. Thinking about that, and thinking about how both are the only senses we have that go past the boundary of ourselves, that only occurs when we take in something other inside us, how in its way that’s a kind of connection is it not? And perhaps at the end of the day, in his heart of hearts, that’s something Higgs wanted from Sam & Fragile. And was willing to take it in whatever form he could have it. Even if only the mockery of one. The memory of it.

@team-trash-panda​ , @maskedprepperkid​ , @goldenbridgessss​ , @chiralcrystallization​ , @savage-rhi​ , @argetlam007​ , @chloe-3-price​ , @ruinerofcheese​

[flickeringart]

Basic personality natal chart reading (example)

This is a short analysis based on personal planetary placements by sign and aspect in your natal chart. It’s by no means a complete analysis of your chart; it’s a summary of the personal planets and how they express themselves through you. Planets represent autonomous principals of the unconscious. They exist independently of your will since they are your will. They are not you, but they are you in all the ways that you are yourself. If you can detach enough from them, you’ll see them more clearly. This short reading can hopefully provide some aid in self-analysis, an aid in self-observation.

Sun in Aquarius

The overall goal of your life is to develop your ethical, cerebral and visionary abilities. The faith in progression and future possibilities for yourself and others should be what carries you through, what you’re here to express, articulate and radiate. There’s potential for great understanding of human beings and an acceptance of all the facets that are part of the human experiences. The reason for your inclusive stance is your proclivity to see yourself as one of many, like a person jut like everybody else. However, this is not to imply that you trivialize the importance of people’s uniqueness – you have the ability to treasure yourself and others for being unique. The collective human family lies close to your heart. Other people probably feel comfortable with you, knowing that you’ll be able to understand their point of view – or at least attempt to, because you learn about yourself through others. You would have the inclination to think of yourself as part of a movement because you put an emphasis the common goal and the common cause – even if it’s secretly done for purely self-centered reasons. You’re self-investment is intellectual, which is why it’s not presented or perceived as purely selfish. What you go through as an individual is thought of in the context of a larger structural blueprint – it’s viewed in terms of a collective experience. You would tend to bring your individual desires and inclinations to the mental realm, to advocate for their legitimacy in terms of a societal presence. More than likely you accept and respect other people because you would want to the same thing in return. What you want for yourself you advocate for in social contexts. There’s openness to your identity, but you tend to be quite fixed once you’ve made up your mind – certain things are fundamentally inarguable to you. People will likely appreciate you for this, but they might find that you’re too fixed in your values as to make appropriate assessments of situations that involve personal emotion. Sometimes, you can take equality and respect to the point where it could turn toxic. Your strong idealistic identity might not be able to accept the raw reality as anything that has value – it might not fit into the image of rightness that you have established as a vision for yourself. People will love you for your strong intellectual investment in common goals – it will make others feel seen and supported. On the other hand it could make others feel like it’s purely about the progression of thought and not about them as individual beings, that it’s purely about the mental abstraction of their problems or dilemmas.

You’re conscious identity is quite tied up with your idea of redemption. You’d find that you put faith in yourself to embody the sublime and transcendent. You’re likely to be an incurable romantic with your goal of life being nothing less than the most rose-colored movie ideal. There’s something sacred about the frailty of life and you would be quite invested in the dream of perfection where everyone is sharing in mutual bliss. Beware of your tendency to fall into the roll of the victim, the savior or the martyr. Your lean towards unconditional empathy for yourself and others might not do you any favors in this world where self-preservation is so important. Empathy is a great, but if it’s not paired with healthy boundaries it’s draining and depleting. You might be reflective of other people and prone to absorb a lot of their emotional content – having resistance to embody concrete boundaries of self in terms of preference, opinion and stance. However, the tension of not being able to declare your self-centered needs and letting others set the tone might not work out – you’ll find yourself switching to being incredibly stubborn and demanding, surprising others with a strong and willful emotional temperament, unwilling to compromise. You have a tendency to end up in dynamics with others where you’re playing the reasonable and passive role in certain situations, while dealing with emotionally dramatic, moody and selfish people on the “outside”. The outside in this case is just you disowning and projecting your own emotionally dominant nature.

You are a quite bold, expansive and enthusiastic and explorative person – out to have fun and enjoy variety. However, this side of your would could also be projected, making others seem very exuberant and energetic in your presence while you have a hard time accommodating for these traits without loosing hold of yourself. You would have to adjust yourself in order to let lose and be carefree. Last but not least I would say that you’re identity has a great capacity for perseverance if you tap into it, a perceptive ability that enables you to see beyond the surface level of experience. Exploring the depths of existence, the murkier and darker parts would excite and stimulate you.

Moon in Leo

You’re feelings want to be on display. You need attention to thrive whether you’re conscious of it or not. You tend to take remarks and comments from others personally – there’s little detachment from outside opinions. You’re default setting is to approve of yourself and display your emotions proudly. Uncompromising approval of yourself not only makes you very stubborn, it also establishes a sense of authority. “My emotions should be catered to” could be an inner attitude – there’s likely something demanding  about your presence. Feelings of inferiority and incompetence hits particularly hard, which might cause you to puff up even more, hold your head even higher and turn snarky. You’re likely to hold on to feeling states for long periods until you feel that they have been “recognized “ and “validated” enough. When your needs are met you can be extremely loving – especially with the people that you consider to be part of your close circle. When you’re safe and comfortable you radiate confidence. In fact, that is what you do most of the time, even during your weaker moments. You have the great advantage of being able to own your feelings, to make them part of your life’s journey, to treat them like jewels – precious and personal even if they occasionally turn dark. You are playing the starring role in your life, there’s no question about it. There’s a sense of integrity and self-respect that is characteristic of your emotional nature. You would feel like you deserve the best and would be deeply upset if life disappoints. The mundane doesn’t satisfy you on an emotional level, you crave more than just carrying out the necessary routines of life and having a comfortable living situation. Life must have some drama to it in one way or another – you have to live in honor of love. That means that your daily activities and living situation must be imbued with the meaning of love. Everything you do is done in an attitude of granting yourself the very best of the experience. You’re emotional nature motivates you to act and accomplish things. Asserting your needs comes naturally and you generally stick to your set path because you are sure of what you feel should happen. You have great force and conviction backing your feeling nature. There’s a proclivity to want to dominate and manipulate others to cater to your needs, to be dependent on pleasing and satisfying to you. There’s an intensity and perseverance to your emotional nature, you are sure of your ability to cope in difficult situations without breaking apart emotionally. However, you might need to carefully adjust the way you communicate your needs, there’s an inconsistency in how well you are able to understand yourself mentally – and how well you communicate your feelings with others. Some insight and careful adjustment in how you think about yourself might be needed as to establish more a more accurate mental representation of your needs. The same goes for your idea of happiness – it might not completely rhyme with what you actually need to be fulfilled. Consider these things carefully. On another note, there might be a tendency to detach from emotions, to crave change and novelty, which might backfire quite badly. When you get too intensely caught in feeling things you would be inclined to want to change environment, move about and uproot. This might take a toll on your security needs and make you unpredictable in relationships. People might fear that you’ll get up and leave when things get too personal. You could even have this experience with others relative to your own emotions – people usually can’t handle the personal nature of your emotional expression and want to bolt or intellectualize the experience.

Mercury in Capricorn

Your way of communicating and interacting is deliberate and concentrated. You might not be excessively chatty or scattered; you choose your words because you are aware of their importance. There’s something very smooth and polite in your way of interacting, it’s predictable which would make others feel secure. You wouldn’t say things that could get you into trouble or cause disruption unnecessarily. That being said, you might come off as overly self-conscious in your exchange with unfamiliar people. It might make communication strained and awkward because everything is so calculated and thought through. Truth is, mental interaction with the environment takes focus for you, it’s not a matter of play -it’s something that has to be worked on. Your mental faculties are a bit slow, but this doesn’t mean that you lack of intelligence. It takes longer time for you to process things than some people but when you have, you’re completely sure of your knowledge and ability. Everything you do on a mental level is acquired rather than given. Speed and effectiveness in receiving and responding to things might develop over time. The challenge is to have patience in you learning process and in your communication with others. You want things to be done right which is quite admirable and responsible, however it might cause restriction of creativity and expression. You might have difficulty trusting yourself to understand things and to interpret things the right way. There’s likely a lot of second-guessing going on, causing you to work harder on establishing the reality of your conceptualizations. You would prefer to converse with people in contexts that you are familiar with, where you’re sure of the pattern of communication. People who are too quick, creative and individualistic in their way of interacting might make you uncomfortable. You would definitely stick to crowds where there’s not too much ambiguity present, where it’s possible to talk things over in concrete terms. You would dislike having to “think for yourself” or “just say what comes to mind”. There’s no spontaneity to you way of interacting, you’re always calculating the appropriate response. On another note, you’re intellect is positively stimulated by art and beauty. You might benefit from communicating artistically, through any medium or venue that appeals – it could be through clothing, through interior decorating or anything that concerns style and taste. You have a mind that thrives in refined and aesthetically pleasing spaces.  You seek to consume and react to beauty intellectually. You would find yourself mentally preoccupied with perfecting yourself and your environment – it would keep your mind pleasantly busy. However, there might not be a genuine exchange and adaptability in your interactions – you could frequently end up provoking anger and frustration in people. You could have a hard time finding common ground with others and they with you. There’s a lot a frustration present in interaction and learning – you don’t want to take things in, you want to assert and proclaim your knowledge. You’ll learn what you want; the rest is dumped along the wayside. There’s great energy to be stirred through learning and interacting– you will feel anger and frustration creep up or it will creep up in others in your environment. It’s likely that you’ll find that your emotions need to be adjusted to allow yourself to think clearly – you might have a hard time interacting when moods take over which threaten to drown out any communicative exchange. You can become unreachable to others, full of emotions and anger. Adjustment is required.

Venus in Pisces

You have a very ethereal aesthetic that is imbued with emotional undertones. You are drawn to the seemingly transcendent, symbols of the eternal and bittersweet. You have an attraction for that which lies in the background rather than in the foreground. People in the background fascinate you, catches your attention, draws you in. I’m not referring to the kind of people who have a loud presence, I’m referring to the one’s who have a soft energy, the ones who are seemingly non-existing, living in their own dream. Your preferences lie in the direction of passivity, of blending and merging. Being an emotional sponge is appealing to you, remaining open and undifferentiated. You might be good at intuitively assessing people, of appealing to their heart and drawing out their compassion and sensitivity. It’s likely that you have a sentimental streak and are able to sympathize with just about anyone in a social setting. In terms of style and taste you prefer softer colors since you wouldn’t want to stand out too much. However, you would want to draw attention to yourself through displaying receptivity. You’re social trump card is to be able to display genuine innocence which effectively lets you off the hook in most situations. You wouldn’t think there to be a need for you to be loved for your individuality, you would instead prefer someone to love you because they decided to not care about particularities. You would want someone who would love you no matter what, someone who could be one with you completely and not interact with you as a separate entity. Since your emotional needs, as already discussed, are very much centered around getting attention for your uniqueness and strong sense of self, it might take some adjustment to accommodate for your emotions and your preferences in terms of taste as to not cancel one or the other out. You might find that you like things that are mystic, withering or dissolving somehow, whether it’s a person, a book, a piece of clothing or something else that catches your eye. You’re not looking for the ordinary; if anything, you’re looking for the transcendent in the ordinary. Your mind lends itself well to experiencing the beauty you crave. You’re drawn to people’s minds and their way of thinking – the intellect seduces you. There’s a potential skill with words that would prove rewarding if activated and used. Reading, writing or speaking could prove stimulating and exciting. There’s great pleasure to be had from these activities. On a more serious note, you might find yourself attracted to intensity and it could scare you. There’s potential for attracting quite emotionally consuming relationships that have friction to them. You might not be able to admit that you crave the feeling of living on the edge of destruction a little bit and project the role of the “culprit” onto another person, making them play out primitive possessive tendencies while you reject them but secretly love them for it. In general you might find that you’re unable to love any other way than through great passion – or be loved by another in any other way. Your desires are similar to that of an animal, you have to get what you want or else you will suffer terribly. This all-consuming primitive love experience is what you crave, but it is commonly viewed as compulsive, inappropriate and too raw to risk acting out. In any case it’s wise to be conscious of it – and do with it as you please.

Mars in Taurus

You’re quite serene in stable carrying out activities. There’s a calmness and certainty to your way of taking on the world. There’s great stamina but likely difficulty of starting up smaller tasks – you thrive on long term planning – it’s through a steady and sure input of energy that you see your projects, visions and tasks to completion. The daily grind is what you’re the best at, keeping on track and not stopping for anything without having too much investment placed on the goal. Movement and routine itself is what you’re good at – putting one foot in front of the other will surely get you to where you need to go. You’re probably more of a doer rather than a thinker when it comes to getting your way. There’s a simplicity to this way of being which makes a lot of things easier – working out, cooking food or anything that doesn’t require too much thought is sometimes better done without too much technicalities and methods in the way. However, it’s easy to see how this could be to one’s disadvantage. To get the result one wants, there’s more planning and more facets to the process than just putting in the minutes or hours. It’s not always about the fact that one is doing something, it’s how it’s done that makes all the difference. You would tend to be very settled in activity, a bit too comfortable in your set tracks that you might miss the short cut to your goal. But you wouldn’t really mind because you’re made for the long distance run... or walk. You would tend to be persistent and be able to stick to set plans and work tasks. You have the ability to concentrate on something and get it done, although it might take a while. Time might not be a big issue for you; you are patient and willing to stick things out. In a nutshell, you’re at your best when you can make use of your stubborn will and consistent drive. You don’t get fired up easily, but if you’re poked one too many times you can flare up and stay in a flushed state for a while. Or, you turn quiet and “angsty” in your blocked state. You’re likely not fond of the discomfort and disharmony of anger and would much prefer to get out of it. Physical activity might really help to get the discordant energy out of your system. Something simple that doesn’t require too much thought would be perfect. Chances are that you are the most challenged in a fast paced environment with a lot going on at the same time. You require a set routine, a fixed working schedule because you thrive when you’re settled in your ways. Having to constantly adapt, change, reevaluate and rearrange in your daily activities doesn’t sit well with you. You’re motivated by constancy, security, comfort and predictability. These are your strengths and assets. You have great self-control and sense of responsibility as well as an ability to sometimes honor your restless spark that breaks patterns and protocol. It’s not done in a disruptive way; it indicates an ability to implement new insight. You can let your emotions guide you and let them stem from affect and instinct. This is easier for you than letting your intellect dictate your actions – it usually gets in the way and causes frustration to build. You might get frustrated trying to further your will through communication – somehow the method of interacting doesn’t work well with the method of assertion. You’d be easily irritated with other people, ending up in arguments when you can’t get your will to across through communication. When you talk and engage socially, there might be a real issue to get things across in a way that doesn’t conflict with your personal way of doing things. You have a frustrated power behind your words, a force to channel into your writing or speaking.

(Chart calculated at astrotheme.com)

[actingwithportals]

4, 14, 16, 21, 26, 34 for the ask meme :)

4. Are there any writers that inspire you?

Going off of people that I know, H. F. Alchem definitely has been my biggest writing inspiration for years now, and I owe a lot of my improvement and drive to hone my skills as a writer to them and their support over the years. (Also their writing is fucking incredible and I highly suggest checking out their novel Shifter - I fucking swear I’ll never get over how much I love it.) As for like, writers who are either long dead or I’ll never meet, some that immediately come to mind are Shakespeare and Rick Yancey.

14. What’s your favorite fandom to write for?

I’ve definitely had the most fun with Hollow Knight I think! But lately I have been remembering how much fun writing for Wolf 359 was and I want to go back and finish the fic I started for that a year and a half ago now...

16. Any guilty pleasure trope(s)?

I am the biggest hoe for coffeeshop aus and you bet ur ass I have thought of one for just about every fandom I’ve existed in to some meaningful degree.

21. Favorite pairing to write for? (platonic or romantic!)

Hmm, I think with romance Chell/Doug Rattmann from Portal was the most fun I’ve had, but as for platonic (or more specifically familial in this case) I am Really Vibing with writing about Herrah mom and Hollow. Bffs Grimmchild and Ghost get an honorable mention, too.

26. Is there anything you’ve wanted to write, but you’ve been too scared to try?

I’ve always wanted to write an original novel, but I’m kind of shit at coming up with original story ideas. I’ve written a few original plays and I’m extremely proud of those, but they’re considerably shorter and generally take a lot less worldbuilding than a full novel would, so I second-guess my ability to create something worth-while of novel length. Maybe someday I’ll try, but I’m very afraid to take that leap.

34. Copy and paste an excerpt you’re particularly fond of.

Gonna share something from a project I never finished and unfortunately likely never will.

Putting it under a read more with a slight arachnaphobia trigger warning:

Alone. 

It’s a funny thing, that concept. It isn’t actually real. Some statistics say we are always within at least ten feet of a spider - a popular myth that makes a good point. Whether it’s a spider, or a dust mite, or another human being, we are never alone. But sometimes it’s deeper. Sometimes it isn’t spiders you have to worry about. Sometimes it’s a thing that can’t be observed. A feeling. A firmly held belief. A vague sense that someone is behind you, that just beyond the boundary of shadows, a being lurks. A persistent thought that whatever you are thinking is not private to you. We’re never alone. Because even in isolation, something still exists.

If there’s nothing to hear a tree fall, does it still make a sound?

The answer is irrelevant, because the tree isn’t alone.

[dxxtruction]

Tyrell Wellick - Character profile - (sorta an unprofessional psych analysis) 

NOTE: I’m not an expert and this is also non-exhaustive of everything I could write about Tyrell. Can’t observe every little thing. This is also super unorganized below the cut I’m sorry. 

Words I’d describe Tyrell by: Ambitious, Boastful, Selfish, Controlling, Violent, Impulsive, Emotional, Loyal, Strategist, Enthusiastic, Extroverted, Adaptable, Vain, Desperate, Observant, Insightful, Driven, Fearful, Intelligent, Cunning, Technical, Prepared, Outwardly Friendly, Resourceful, Loathing, Self Loathing, Sometimes Cooperative, Caring, Vulnerable, Fearful, and Influenced.

Psyche: Erratic behavior, attaches own goals into a special person, delusions of grandeur, looks down on and has disregard for many others, has a certain lack of guilt or regard for breaking ethical or personal boundaries, adapts self in order to achieve goals, wearing masks over the more vulnerable and perceived weaker sides of himself, perhaps hiding various amounts of self loathing, maladaptive perfectionism, strong desire for control.

 I’ll avoid anything official and say he likely has some form of personality disorder and/or perhaps an attachment disorder.

Tyrell seems to be driven almost entirely by his own ambitions and goals for his life. Those goals change but he continues on doing anything possible to meet those ends. Believing he is destined to have them over others who seek similar ends. 

He care’s a lot about his appearance, both in how he looks and in how others perceive him suggesting a need to garner their respect and control perceptions. Perhaps fearing rejection and public humiliation. Feels it necessary to hide himself behind the best of outward appearances. Feeling equally deserving of respect and deeply afraid of losing it. The latter suggesting a point in time where he saw himself associated with certain perceived inferiorities (perhaps his family being poor, his accent, a lack of knowledge or skill, a lack of restraint), that still lingers in him even though he’s tried (relentlessly) to escape them.

Tyrell tries to maintain a look of control and professionalism, something he’s well developed in order to get to where he is. With control, having the upper hand, he believe’s he can not lose. He however cracks under the pressure of perhaps not having control by lashing out and acting on impulse, often violent impulse. Regaining a sense of power over the situation in destructive ways that run counter to what he’s trying to achieve. 

There’s hints at a fear of showing weakness and vulnerability suggesting perhaps toxic masculinity and could also be the same fears of rejection and public humiliation. The amount of effort he seems to put into this suggests he fears in some way that he could very well be exposed as a fraud. Tyrells mask is there for a reason and I think that reason is to avoid his fears, of which there are many.

He is aware of many of the masks he wears (but maybe not all of them), and seems to practice and perfect them. He’s a perfectionist: self defeating, even self harming, towards unrealistic goals and expectations of himself, causing undue stress. Tyrell has a hyper-fixation upon inadequacies he sees in both himself and others. This causes quite a lot of black and white, narrow ways of thinking.  

Tyrell can also crack and shed off his mask, showing his vulnerable side when alone or when he is feeling weak or defeated. He cries. I think he feels his emotions fairly intensely at all times. Which may contribute to why he tries so hard on maintaining a different sense of himself which is far more collected. Creating distance from how he feels things in order to see himself as more in control. And as always in order to meet his goals. I get a sense of self hatred, a certain level of shame from Tyrell in the ways he seems to cover up who he is from the world. Perhaps from the amount of things he has bottled up. 

Despite feeling deserving of his goals, he knows you must work to get the things you want, and so he will resort to ANY means necessary. Boundaries mean nothing when it works towards his goals. Conventionality and reason can be sacrificed if needed. Breaking conventions seems (to me) a last resort measure as Tyrell is proven to be sufficient at getting to where he is through his social and technical skills along with keen professional insights and overall intelligence within his field. He is very eager even without the more harmful ways of getting what he wants. These are all factors which make him appear desirable for high ranking positions within his field, and probably prove to him a sense of higher worth and tangible achievement. 

I do want to point out that he is observant of things most people tend to not notice or have foresight on. This quick internal observations lead him towards quick assumptions, making for keen awareness of how others will act, yet he holds strong to the initial judgements he has of people. The skill of reading people seems fairly important if you are to strategize with or against them and Tyrell is always following some type of plan and agenda. While not always in complete control of how he may act or feel he can control and manipulate the direction of his life to the ends he needs. He needs have it planned out for him to feel secure. 

While at first glance Tyrell may seem like only self concerning. He seems to have a pattern of attaching his goals in with a loyalty/contract to a specific person who he does them for. This leans towards delusions of grandeur especially with Elliot. 

In these relationships there is perhaps also seeking consistent validation from them. Going out of his way to make sure they notice what he’s willing to do for them. Idolizing them and desiring these relationships to succeed in the ways he envisions them to. Likely has fears of his own inadequacy to succeed within the relationships goals, and fears that he could ruin the relationship by not succeeding. Leading to a suppressed but present low self esteem and easy influence over his actions.

He feels a strong need to provide for them, and they provide him with something as well or he wouldn’t show such loyalty. (Ie: Ability to seek the highest ideal of the American dream/Ability to rule the fate of the world). In other words they seem to offer a boosted ego or chance towards something he finds valuable to his personal ambitions. He cares about them but can’t ever shake what drives him.

In a world where he can get anything and impress anyone those who subvert that are incredibly intriguing to him, and it also must be incredibly painful when he starts to develop strong feelings of attachment and they reject him. These people (Joanna and Elliot) are withholding and inconsistent in showing Tyrell that validation he wants. Making him have to chase their approval and respect. Which keeps him interested in continuing to succeed for them, to show off and get their attention. (Ex: Joanna’s gifts, Tyrells insistence on appearing good for Elliot). Winning their approval becomes a part of his core driving ambitions to succeed. 

Joanna is the perfect partner to fuel his more worldly ambitions. He wants to provide for her everything and anything which proves they are both successful and victorious in their dreams in life. While Elliot seems more to fuel his delusions of grandeur - he can have ultimate control and power via Elliot’s perceived ultimate power and control. In both instances he wants to share in success, feels this sharing as very intertwined with his life and the direction it needs to go. This intertwining can lead him to accept certain approaches he shouldn’t, but again he’s easy to influence in this position. 

I feel Tyrell fears most of all not having control (like many in this show), when feeling this way he tends to act out in anger. Tyrell uses violence often as a means of control, an outlet for his own anger and rage when he senses a lacking of power in a situation. He is also impulsive when angered showing a instinctive pull towards violence when he feels this way. He lacks a certain control over these emotions, making him erratic. I sense Tyrell does a great deal of work to mask this side of himself from others, at the very least to keep up appearances. (keep in mind I never said he ever did handle himself well.) 

The root causes of all of this is likely some combination of genetics, upbringing, and stress from the crushing weight of his goals. He has pointed out a strong desire to be unlike his father, who he sees as weak and pathetic for not trying hard at anything in his life. This seems to be near the root of his pathos as Tyrell shows he must be strong and in control while always doing anything to succeed. He isn’t afraid of the taboo either and almost seems to seek out what is most ambitious, risky, and rebellious in order to prove himself. Especially when it achieves some greater end. 

Tyrell has two side really, the conquerer and the meek. He is selfishly driven, but easily influenced. Prone to violent behavior, but passionately submissive to those he loves. Willing to do anything to get what he wants, but can be equally vulnerable and saddened by loss and failure. He suppresses himself but is easily emotional and erratic. Driven by success but also ruled by fear. Insightful but also delusional and narrow minded. 

Tyrell may have precarious ways of dealing with situations and getting at his ambitions but ultimately his concerns are always fairly human and usually seem reasonably achievable for him at face value. He wants to provide for his family, make sure they’re safe, he wants to get the position he’s worked hard for (things get ... confused when it comes to Elliot but I think it starts with noticing how Elliot could be a good potential hire to boost his reputation then things just continue to escalate as they seem to toy with one another to his mind). He reacts perhaps with probably just too much passion, and I don’t think he can help it. What I’m getting at it is Tyrell has a very human side to him that’s fairly normal and awkward even, he’s kinda just a huge techie nerd and loves that he is, we see a lot of the normality of Tyrell in 404. 

[maraudererasmut]

Black and White (Part IX)

(This is a long one! I'm sorry!)

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI

Remus spent ten minutes in the washroom.

He didn’t want to spend ten minutes there, standing around by the sink, eying himself awkwardly in the mirror, nodding uncomfortably at the man who stood in the corner giving out mints. At first, Remus considered returning to the table, but then he pictured Sirius’ face, dark and cold, his glare as sharp as his cheekbones. 

A few minutes in, Remus noticed the bathroom attendant— Is that what he was called? — eyeing him suspiciously. He gave the man a guilty smile and tried to save face. 

“I’m uh… just waiting on some friends… they’re… uh… having a conversation at the table? A… A private one… I just…” 

Remus cut himself off after he realized how little the other man cared about his predicament and how awkward his explanation sounded. 

After ten minutes in the restroom, Remus eventually returned to the table, praying to whoever would listen that his friends' discussion was over; the last thing Remus needed was to walk in on them talking about him. When he arrived, Lily and James both offered genuine smiles. Sirius was staring intently at the menu, making a point of not glancing up as Remus sat down beside him.

“Remus! Hey… Sorry about that,” Lily began, before Remus shook his head in response.

“It’s no problem, really. Gave me a chance to… get some fresh air…” Remus didn’t know why he lied; perhaps he didn’t want his companions to know that he had spent the entire time staring at the mirror above the sinks. 

Just as Remus lifted up the menu to begin looking at it— Lily was right, there were no prices! — a server came by to take their orders. 

“Sir? What can I get you?”

“Oh…” Remus glanced down at the menu again, then back up at the server. “Can you… come back to me? At the end?”

“Of course, sir.”

Remus searched through the menu for the least expensive-sounding option as the rest of the party gave their orders. By the time the waiter circled back to Remus, he had settled on something.

“I’ll have the salad, please.”

“Very good, Sir. And for your main course?”

“Oh, uh… that… that was for my main course.”

The waiter cocked an eyebrow and Remus could feel the back of his neck burning. 

“Sir, this is a prix fix menu. It’s all included. The appetizer, the main course, the dessert, all one price.”

Oh.

That explained why the menu didn't have any prices on it. It also posed a problem for Remus, who wanted to spend as little as possible at this exceedingly expensive establishment. 

He glanced down at the menu again, feeling the eyes of his companions all settling on him, waiting for his response. Remus swallowed, trying to steady his nerves. He needed to keep his voice from shaking. 

"Wh— what do you recommend?"

"The steak is our most popular dish.  A very fine cut. Exceptional."

"O-okay… I'll have that."

"Very good, sir. How would you like your steak?"

Remus glanced over to Lily, hoping that she could help save him from embarrassment. He had never ordered steak at a restaurant; what was he supposed to tell the server? Lily smiled kindly at him, in that way she always seemed to smile. It was as if nothing about her could ever be unkind. 

"It's usually best medium-rare," she said softly.

"Okay, uh… medium-rare then…"

The server nodded before leaving the table. 

"Thanks," Remus mumbled under his breath, earning himself a gentle squeeze on the arm from Lily. 

Conversation at the table picked up, and Remus noticed his nerves settle slightly as James and Lily chatted away. Lily began talking about art, a conversation that Remus could participate in, resulting in a vibrant debate about the merits of the hand-made and the decline of technique in the contemporary art world. 

"I think that's the biggest flaw with performance art," Remus was saying as the sommelier filled his second glass of wine. "There's no skill involved. Sure, your idea can be strong, but there's a definite lack of artistic prowess, and it's a sincere pity. It really is detrimental to overall artistic growth in terms of sheer ability."

"You're wrong," Sirius said suddenly, speaking up for the first time since Remus arrived back at the table. Remus looked over to Sirius, expecting him to look upset. Instead, the gallerist had a smug grin on his face, his eyes sparkling with passion. "And if every artist thought like you, we would be stuck looking at the same thing in every gallery."

"Sirius," Lily said threateningly, before Remus cut her off.

"No, no, I want to hear this. Go on, Si— Mr. Black. I'd love to hear your explanation."

"Well," Sirius began, pausing to nod at the server who brought him a plate of food. "Performance art, readymade, the types of works that, as you say, don't require talent… those artists push the boundaries of what is defined as art. They move the contemporary world in a new direction, challenging the ideals of the time, bringing forth new concepts and making statements "

Remus smiled at Sirius, shaking his head.

"There's a time and a place, Mr. Black." He took a bite of his food and paused for a moment to savour the variety of flavours. Despite being a salad, it was so different than anything he had ever tried before; sweetness paired with bitter, the tang of citrus crossed with the bite from spiced pecans. He closed his eyes, relishing in the sheer sensation of eating. 

"You were saying, Mister Lupin?"

"Oh, yes, sorry. This is delicious. Yes, a time and a place. At the time that Duchamp first introduced the concept of readymade, there was a genuine need for it in the art world. Nowadays, if somebody presented a urinal in an art gallery, they would be laughed at! What the contemporary art world needs these days is a return to craftsmanship. We need to go back to our roots, to explore techniques, to learn how to paint and draw and sculpt the way we used to."

"And what of Abromovic, who challenges what it means to be an artist?" Sirius asked, his grin growing wider, a hint of colour spreading across his cheeks.

"What about her?" Remus retorted, taking another bite and picking out the individual flavours of the dish. 

"Well, Mr. Lupin, she changes the way we view art. Art is no longer something that is inaccessible to the lower class, the uneducated. Art is something that anyone can do, or be, or have, or create. Art is no longer reserved for the elite. People can no longer purchase art the same way they used to. I cannot own an Abromovic masterpiece. I can enjoy it and witness it, I can be a part of it, but it's not something that I can have and keep to myself behind closed doors. Art is no longer a commodity."

Remus nodded to the server who cleared his plate before giving Sirius a slightly skeptical look.

"You don't need to tell me about commodification of art and the inability to access it," Remus said with a grin. "If anything, I should be the one arguing for art accessibility for the lower class, not you."

Sirius' eyes flashed with something that Remus couldn't decipher, and for the briefest moment, the gallerist looked taken aback. Sirius' composure quickly resumed, however, covering up any sense of doubt, his lips twisted smugly.

"Well then, Mr. Lupin, my point shouldn't be lost on you."

"It's not," Remus said with a casual shrug, glancing over to James and Lily who were merely observers of the conversation rather than participants. "I understand what you mean. I just don't think people should become so wealthy on such minimal talent…"

Sirius didn't respond.

Remus noticed the silence that settled over the table and his smile faded. He sat up straight, fiddling with the corner of his napkin, realizing his error. 

"I… I mean… like Abromovic. She's so wealthy and she… well… she hasn't produced anything… and galleries keep bringing her in and, well, she… uh…"

Two servers arrived at their table, placing a plate in front of each person, and Remus had never been more grateful for a distraction. 

"Ah! Wonderful!" James exclaimed, drawing the table's attention to himself. He smiled across at Remus, as if to say that all was well, but Remus could tell that something was off with Sirius. The artist glanced over to his right, where the gallerist was digging into his dinner. 

With a shrug, Remus focused his attention on his steak, and the moment he took a bite, all of his worries faded away. 

Remus had never tasted meat like this before. It was soft and tender, dripping with juices and a punch of flavour. His knife slid through the meat so easily, so effortlessly, revealing a perfectly pink interior. This was the most delicious meal Remus had ever eaten in his entire life. 

No wonder rich people are always so happy. I'd be happy too, if I could eat this whenever I wanted.

Remus knew he'd never be able to properly enjoy a steak again, it would always be compared to the perfect dish before him.

"So Remus," Lily began, once their plates were beginning to empty. "If you don't like Abromovic or Koons, which artists do you like?"

Remus grinned at his friend as he set his fork and knife down.

"And I'm assuming I can't just say myself?"

Lily and James both laughed at his joke, but Sirius' face twisted into a scowl. 

"A little proud of yourself, are we?"

Remus' gaze returned to Sirius, trying to read the man; he couldn't tell if his joke was lost on Sirius or if the man simply lacked a sense of humour.

"I mean, I didn't name a gallery after myself…"

Another pause. The table seemed to hold its collective breath as Remus' taunt landed. 

Sirius' lips parted in a grin, and he let out a sharp laugh. Remus felt his body release the tension he didn't realize the was holding, his shoulders relaxing and a breath escaping his lungs.

Thank god.

Sirius laughing meant that Remus didn't put the rest of his life at risk. He was, however, beginning to despise the minefield that was this dinner, waiting for his next slip up, waiting for his world to explode. 

"That's funny, Mr. Lupin." Sirius said, after a good chuckle. "Very funny. Especially considering the fact that up until very recently, it was your desire to show in that gallery."

Shit.

"Oh shush," James butted in, before anyone else could say anything. "Learn to take a joke, Sirius. Don't be so—"

"Don't say it, James!" Lily warned, barely containing her grin.

"I was merely playing along!" Sirius teased, his cheeks rosy from the alcohol and laughter, his eyes sparkling with mirth. His gaze flickered toward Remus, and the artist felt his heart skip a beat. Sirius was a very handsome man, and laughter looked particularly good on him. He was attractive no matter what he did, any way that he held himself. When he smiled, though…

Remus quickly looked away, directing his attention to the remnants on his plate. When Sirius smiled, his eyes lit up, as blinding as the sun kissing the sky on a perfect winter day. They were the very shade of snow beneath a tree, the lightest of blues, perfectly undisturbed. Sirius' cheeks bore the morning blush of a sunrise, the colour of the sky just as it threatened to turn blue. Next to the creamy glow of his face, it took on an almost ethereal quality. 

Remus loved the colours of Sirius.

And he hated how much he loved it.

"Any coffee with your dessert, sir?" 

Remus thought his heart might have exploded with the shock of being wrenched from his thoughts. He looked up at the server with a look of panic, having completely forgotten where he was.

"Um… no, no thank you. I'm fine," he mumbled, tearing his eyes from the server and keeping them focused on the chocolate torte that had been placed in front of him.

Thank god.

Nothing could redirect Remus' imagination quite like chocolate, and he was thoroughly grateful for the distraction. 

Dessert passed with minimal conversation as everyone savoured their delicacies. As discussion resumed, it veered away from art, and Remus found himself listening more than talking. Eventually, the server came by the table, and Remus realized that his perfect meal and fantasy evening was about to come to an abrupt and painful close. 

"Will there be anything else you need?"

"No, just the bill, please," James said politely.

"Together or separate?"

"Together."

Together?

Remus opened his mouth to protest, but thought better of it; he waited for the server to leave before he rounded on James.

"You really don't have to do that, James. Honestly, I can't let you—"

"Nonsense!" James said with an enthusiastic flap of his hand. "Of course I'm paying! This dinner is my treat!"

"But it really—"

"Remus, I invited you to join us! It's my pleasure!"

Remus knew he should be happy, he should feel relieved; his whole night had been laced with anxiety as he thought about the ludicrous cheque that was waiting for him. Instead, Remus felt guilty. He felt like he was in debt to James, like he owed the man. There was no way he could accept a gift this generous without repaying the favour.

"You don't have to," Remus mumbled, feeling the weight of his words press down on his shoulders. He was damned either way, but at least if he paid for his meal, he wouldn't be indebted to anyone. 

"I know," James said, his smile never faltering. "I don't have to do anything. I want to. Now, back to the real matter at hand…" James turned to Sirius. He was clearly finished with the discussion about the bill, and Remus knew better than to push.

"Yes, James?" Sirius said, quirking a brow playfully.

"Now that you've had a proper opportunity to get to know Remus, have you come to any important decisions?"

Remus' heart was suddenly in his throat, beating more rapidly than he thought possible. How could he have forgotten about Sirius' decision to have him in the gallery?

"As a matter of fact," Sirius purred, his smile crooked and sly. He turned to Remus, his chin tilted slightly upwards, a flash of pearly white teeth enclosed between tender lips that Remus wanted to forget about. "I have."

Remus' grip tightened on his napkin and he sank into his chair as the silence and anticipation steadily grew worse.

"Well?!" James was on the edge of his seat, clearly not a patient man. Lily had her hand on his shoulder, trying to keep him at bay.

"Remus, I require no less than five pieces in order to begin displaying your work. I would like to have them by our next show, which will be towards the beginning of November. Do you think you can accomplish that for me?"

Remus was at a loss for words. He nodded fervently, unable to get his voice out. 

"Good. I'll have my lawyers work up a contract. You can come by the gallery on Monday to sign it and discuss details."

Remus couldn't believe what was happening. He pinched himself on his forearm, trying to ensure that this was not some kind of vivid dream. As a jolt of pain shot through his arm, a smile spread across his face. 

As far as he could tell, it was all real...