#or i would believe harder if i didnt drew it so badly

[manndraki]

"In love with someone? My dear, don't fall in love that young, it will give you headaches, sleepless nights, nicotine addiction and 40 pounds"

[kayl096]

So I've come to some realizations. And also still am confused about a lot. But anyways I'm going to share here because i dont really have anywhere else to.

I identify as androgyne. A lot of people have known me to be a transman so let me explain a bit. I'll try to keep organized but no promises.

I did really believe that i was a transman. It seemed to be the most fitting by definition and experience to describe what i feel and was actually something i could better explain to people.

Realistically though I've always felt this confusion within me of neutrality but also leaning way more masculine. I was often conflicted when seeing myself in the mirror, getting ready, introducing myself, presenting myself online or irl. I held a confusion for a long time of "Am i a very masculine girl or a feminine guy?" And for years drew a blank. It was pretty much with me my entire life as soon as i had any sense of self and a realization that i was different than the kids in school. People on the regular were coming over to me and asking if i was a boy or girl and i never really knew what to say.

The older i got the harder it got. It really got me one day when getting ready for school and realizing i was trying to look handsome not pretty. I was about 13 maybe.

I began openly identifying as queer/androgynous. It was the most comfortable i had ever been with myself. That lasted for a couple years.

Ever sense puberty started giving me a chest, i had wanted it to go away so badly. I was practicing "binding" in so many ways before i even knew what that meant. And this discomfort persisted even when at my most comfortable time of self expression.

At around age 15/16 i learned about transmen. I learned what it meant to transition, i learned about top surgery, i read and listened to stories i could relate to. I thought oh my gosh this is it! This is why i am the way i am! I came out as a transman.

At 18 i was able to start hormones and at 20 had top surgery.

I enjoyed certain changes from T and didnt like some as much that became more apparent as time went on. After a while i began questioning myself because i realized i didnt actually want to be an actual man. The choices i made for myself did alleviate dysphoria but there was a stopping point. I didnt want to go any further.

I found myself back in that neutral place. If i am not trans why would doing this help? If i was cis i wouldnt be so thankful for what transitioning did do to help me.

I came to the conclusion i am just very androgynous more masculine leaning. I did have dysphoria and i did what was necessary to help it. I transitioned to an androgynous body because that's who i am. But also realistically apart from my chest i never really hated my body and probably could've done without T except i was glad to not have such a squeaky voice and also look fit bc of body fat redistribution and the abiltiy to gain muscle easier.

Im trying to accept that and trying to figure out which pronouns to use but they all feel weird at this point.

And of course ive also been told i cant experience dysphoria without being binary trans. And i thought that too because it makes a lot more sense and would be a lot easier for me to be. But im just, not. I know what i feel and it's a feeling I've had for as long as i remember.

I havent told many people in my life because well, it's hard to explain and its not like a whole lot is gonna change so unless i decide strictly on 1 set of pronouns, i dont think I'll mention it to my fam. Im still me, i still wear mens clothing as always, and they went through a lot w me over all this already.

Right now i try to take every pronoun used by strangers as neutral. Theyre just words. And on a daily at work i get mixed pronouns so maybe hearing people say different things will help me figure out what's most comfortable.