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[anxiouslyrunningaway]

Running depressed

(about the importance of not running when you are running)

I started running not only to feel better (since not even the antidepressants were not helping, and I am still on them to this day) but also to get away from my problems, but they did not magically disappear. Now, there is this safe space of 5 to 7 kilometers that lets me see things and think about things (especially when you are a slow runner) more in-depth. Yes, running definitely helps me feel good, but I am also aware of how easily I can get into something and burn out on the intensity of pursuing it.

The importance of not running 2 days a week is as important as running at least 3 times per week. The body needs to have some time off for the muscles, tendons, and ligaments to rest and regenerate, especially in the beginning when the body is getting used to the movement. It is a stressful event. Every living thing needs to take a day off, no matter what capitalism and neoliberalism are making us believe. I cannot stress the importance of the day of non-running enough. Usually, there are plenty of other options for what to do on the day of rest - strength training, core training, and mobility training, both static and dynamic (or at least these are the exercises suggested to pursue along with running/training for half marathons and marathons). These are important even for beginners to gain much-needed strength.

Also, the importance of additional training (ugh, I know, this has been the biggest disappointment of the running thing so far—the other was the fact that I cannot run every day) is not stressed enough. I am still the person who despises the gym. Training with weights does not make sense to me, and all that. It is boring and honestly way too much, especially for someone like me who cannot do even one push-up (not the real one, the half one on the knees). And my body being weak at this moment is one more reason to train it as well. We all know the jokes about skipping leg day, but do we talk about balance in sports in general? Over-compensation is real. Movement coming from overly trained muscles of one group will be compensated by the neglected muscles of other groups, eventually resulting in movements that can cause pain or injuries. Nothing is more painful than finding joy and then being deprived of it.

So if you are, just like me, annoyed by the thought that you need to train and exercise these silly movements, let us bear it together, thinking about the long-term goal. As with all things in life, it is not about being focused on one thing only. You need to build a base and set different layers around it so the base is stable and there is always something to return to, even when obstacles or accidents are met on the way. I guess that is just the cliché way of saying that if running brings you joy, you will start to think about how to maintain this joy, how to make sure to continue as long as you can. Even though the frustrating part of this is professionally fit people on YouTube showing beginners 60 push-ups per minute and calling it the warm-up.

So, yeah, small steps, however unappealing, are part of the process. Not only trying to accept it but also trying to commit to it. Five minutes is better than zero or twenty minutes of overdoing it.

[anxiouslyrunningaway]

About starting lightly

Okay okay, You are thinking oh fuck you, starting lightly, and well yeah, feel free to do so. But also, I've tried. This is not the first time \ I am trying to do something. The thing is, I tend to be very over-motivated and tend to believe I should start with perfect ----everything. Okay, if I do not have the right gear what is even the point? Ad if and when I start I must be stellar okay? No threading lightly, I expect exceptional performance from day one. And yes, I fail. I tend to start abruptly get that dopnaie kick, overdo things, and get so tired and sore all over my body then I just cease completely.

But, this time I ASKED FOR HELP,

I asked my sister if she could give me advice about how to start running and whether I could join her and her partner on their next jog (both runners and quite fit), just to….have the motivation to leave the house. I joined them for a few hundred meters and then I heard her shouting instructions from time to time too fast! slow down! turn around and run back, that was quite a distance for today! They were both very supportive of my curiosity and gave me some more advice about how long, fast, and often to run to be able to sustain the routine and feel good after the run. Yes, you are supposed to feel good after the run (who would have thought? Not me!). Sure I felt a bit exhausted, my legs were tired but not to the point I needed to lay down and die. I did my research this time and concluded that brisk walking for 5 minutes is a good warm up then I would help myself with the scheme of Couch to 5 K - 1 minute of running and 1 minute of walking (here I admit I cheated a bit and I was drawn to overdo it, trying to figure out if I can run for 2 minutes or 3 minutes). This phase-training is ideal to start with it helps your heart and body to get used to performing and to calm down in short intervals and helps to build your stamina. A very important step that is doable and sustainable. Not only doable but is a crucial phase to help oneself build self-confidence in the abilities of one's body. Of course, I would not be able to run 30 minutes consistently. But with 10 minutes of heat up and 10 minutes of wind down plus 10 minutes of interval training divided into walking and running

One thing I always struggle with is perfectionism, I need to prove to myself I can do more than average what is expected of me. Ultimately, very often I ended up overdoing it and not only I did not end up finishing the thing, but I was left with horrible feelings of failure and inability to commit. Starting lightly really does heighten your chance to actually come back for the same amount the next day and the next day. I felt so good after my run! And it is all thanks to the fact that I was not trying to prove to myself I could run this fast and this distance without stopping, I wanted to start. Not to run but to build the base. I kept on reminding myself that walking is not something I should be ashamed of (you will meet people cheering you on when you suddenly switch from running to walking thinking it is the right thing to do - which can be quite frankly very frustrating experience. Even from the fellow runners - please don't. I do know you mean well but do not impose the performance myth onto other runners especially the forever beginners who are just trying to start, to find ways to feel comfortable running and even more importantly, to feel comfortable walking when it feels like we cannot run anymore.) One of the things that was keeping me from running was the idea of the other - all the people who could see me running - the potential witnesses to my failure - having to stop and catch my breath. Just let go of your ideations of the ideal image of a runner. In the metaphorical but also very physical way, however shallow it sounds, no matter how little I seemed to care about those aspects my insecurities started to appear the minute I was considering running - clothing, pace, tempo, sweat all that. I kept repeating to myself that I was trying, just giving myself a break for once and disregarding my inner critic. And it was not easy.

If I am absolutely honest, starting with running in a new/different city was a big help. It was not really about the inability to start back home, but rather feeling a bit more at ease, and definitely a bit better than I did in Prague. I came to Brussels for an internship for two months and coming from a hilly-ish cityscape to the outskirts of the city where the closest bike lane/running lane is 5 minutes of walking distance was a big help. It was not the factor that miraculously helped me transform into somebody with strong willpower, but if I am honest, it was a nice change, a bit of help. So yes, I am not sure how long would it take (and if ever) to start back in the city of my previous residence. But rather about looking for the reasons whether it is possible right now I want to focus on how to start right now. Or maybe later. For me personally, it took a few months of ruminations to finally get up and start. So whatever the final impulse I was acting on this time was a result of thinking about it. The idea of wanting to start grew in me slowly but steadily. I think in the end I really wanted things to work out this time. Especially after all the failures I was dealing with at that time (break up after quite an exhausting long-distance relationship after 1,5 years, career failures, academic failures, and the list could go on, but hey, we are here), I was desperate for a feeling that I can control at least some aspects of my life. I can build up something myself, that would be relatively independent of the circumstances of the outside world. That I possess the willpower to change the course of my life, I can train for a marathon and even if it takes months or years, I can commit to it. I can observe the process, be in the process, and focus on the progress, not being the best but just making it to the finishing line.

So I guess we will see about that?

[anxiouslyrunningaway]

How not to start

Every time (okay, there were maybe 7 attempts) I started, I was guilty of one of these mistakes I would start running as soon as I left the house. I did not know or realise that there is something called the warm-up phase, which is crucial for your body to warm up the muscles and ligaments. And I immediately started at what I thought was the right pace (almost my maximum capacity). As a child and teenager I was a very slow runner (simply put, I hated PE and despised all sports that required training and speed). I could run for a few minutes at a steady pace, but at the same time I was slow, I could not run as fast as my more athletic and stronger peers. I did not stretch (mistake!) or I stretched only a little (few static stretches). I went running with my partner at the time (who was a regular runner and a bit of an overachiever, so our pace was quite deadly with a significant difference in elevation - resulting in shortness of breath, body sores and general dizziness and shakiness after the run). I started without thinking too much about the warm-up, the ideal pace for me as a non-runner. I just focused on how many miles I could run and not on how I would actually feel in my own body while running. I didn't do my research. I mean, what research? Just running. But how not to get injured. How to not get exhausted after one run and never run again (or maybe two more to realise I can't keep up with my breathing and my legs are sore and my lungs are burning). Unfortunately for me, someone who loses motivation in the blink of an eye, it takes a bit more than just closing the door to my room and going for a run. When it comes to doing things, impatience goes hand in hand with restlessness and anxiety. So if I am ready now, why do I need to prepare? What about the whole romanticised cliché of manic pixie dream girl-level of impulsiveness? When it comes to actually getting things done, I have to trick my brain and act on impulse to get things done. So the idea of stretching, warming up and then running seemed like too much work. But it gets better. I get dressed, drink a glass of water, grab my watch and leave the house as fast as I can. Outside the building, I do my hair, stretch and synchronise the watch. It doesn't look too glamorous, but it helps to establish a routine. And just on impulse, I'd like to go for a run, but ..... (When I'm trying to get dressed quickly, I don't think too much about the one stitch that touches my arm the wrong way and how non-cottony it is and all...but about sensory hells of sports clothes later.) Oh, I could go for a run! So if I don t put my clothes on right away and start thinking about it too much, I would just stay at home and doomscroll for the next 3 hours. Why do I want or need to run? What is my motivation? What is my goal? When and where are the best conditions? Or maybe this is just me thinking too much. The point is - what outcome was I hoping for? To get healthier? Get that extra molecule of serotonin? Lose weight? Get in shape? Be able to stick to a diet? Run a marathon? I think my past self did not ask any of these questions, I was just craving for a change. A change in my life, or in the course of my life, without really thinking about what it really meant. In the end, it was always about running from not running to.

[anxiouslyrunningaway]

Hi, My name is Mara and you have guessed it I am anxious. Quite a lot actually. And depressed. Have been for quite some time actually, but let's not dig into that for now. So.... I've decided to start running. Never been very active in life or hobbies, never enjoyed sports, okay I occasionally go swimming or bouldering or do yoga. (Once in a season when I realize I will never get better unless I start to do something with my life, like PRO active) So I decided to start running. A thing that is more about my taking back the agency over my life and body, to see how I can change my habits to create a routine of finding moments of pride or joy or just....something that is emotion and a sense of doom and gloom. So let me find a pair of socks and jog along, actually, it is okay if you just walk along, let's start lightly!