#or giving it to a friend (Grant for Extra Trauma)

[terrific-fish]

Do NOT like that Sparrow is still vegan after making Hero kill deer in the woods with her bare hands. You telling me he lets that shit ROT????? IN THIS ECONOMY??????

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

see more and more “entire life told/thought i high function but actually am just very high support need” (autism context) and get more and more annoy at that

everytime see everytime click into page and everytime realize by “very high support” (yes see multiple include the “very”) they mean comorbid anxiety depression cptsd trouble make friends because people think “weird” bullied lose speech need remind shower need remind things (but able do and if no remind after a while will do) trouble school trouble job etc am forget.

and all that hard struggle yes no deny. deserve all the help and am not say it easy.

but it not “very high support need.” not even “high support need.” have higher need than what nondisabled neurotypical society expect you to is not “high support need.” yes, know many people do this because want validate self and past and trauma. but. not need be high support to be valid or to receive support. not need be high support for past trauma & past neglect & past not get support to be valid.

and. it water down definition of “high support need.” kick actual high support need out. us who extra vulnerable because need physical help most or all bADLs. need constant 24/7 supervision to be alive to not accidental harm self or die. need medical services for stuff people (include these people) take for granted, like just be able communicate, walk (yes many high support need autistic people struggle with that even without specific physical disability dx), feeding, etc. no awareness of self or other people or surroundings or danger. need 24/7 behavioral support. experience explosive emotions that even terrify self self no understand and cannot control behavior so destructive. many very high support, if not get support they literally die. not exaggerate. that how high of support they need.

(and even debate about whether should write this list. because. unless you high support yourself or experience these same amount yourself or close to someone who is or give care for them, very high chance you not get degree of symptom am talk about. plenty autistic struggle emotional regulation, for example. some struggle with severe intense lose control explosive behavior, include some level 1s. but unless you experience it self or read lot lot lot lot about & by people who do, found that average person include average autism community person not know what am mean by explosive emotion.)

it not “gatekeeping” or “call fake.” it me get frustrate at people misuse medical term that used describe extremely vulnerable population, who rely on other people to keep basic alive, many us have trouble or have limited language communication or have none at all, we need keep medical term describe us because many us cannot explain cannot list you our support need, either because long or private or make us feel awful or literal no communication/intellectual ability.

by validate self you harming us. “well it just one person identify themself not affect you [eye roll].” no, not just one person. but even if just one person, people around them see, and think, oh, that high support need, that very high support need, am educated. and that spread. and actual high support need people like am describe are ignored people don’t think they exist.

please. talk about own experience. no matter “there people more struggle than me.” am not say cannot. am not say “look at these actual struggles yours mild shut up.” it autism spectrum, there spectrum of experience. there more than “no support need” vs “high support need.” there things in middle. even low support need—that just mean low compare to other autistics. not “your support need your trauma not important.”

but please. remember us. leave our terms alone.

[colleybri]

Cassian’s fear of goodbyes - an emotional defence mechanism 

It’s an interesting aspect of his character and I think it relates once again to that key trait of being a man who has a “fear of being someone who leaves people behind’ (Tony Gilroy). Cassian’s most common way of parting with people in the Andor series is to say “I’m coming back” or some variation on that. He says it to Brasso in episode 1, adding that he is intending to ‘lie low somewhere until things cool off’… he isn’t even considering that he will never return to Ferrix. Of course he does come back, after Aldhani, despite this being practically a bad idea. After the ‘That’s just love’ scene with Maarva he says “I’m coming back” as he exits (never to see her again) and Maarva seems to be calling out this habit with her reply “Of course you are,” which can certainly be taken sardonically.

Interestingly, one time he avoids saying he is coming back is to to Bix, also in Ep 7, after she tells him via some very pointed subtext that she doesn’t want to see him again anytime soon. It’s equally interesting that when he mentioned going to see Bix to Maarva in the earlier scene he said “I’m going to check up on Bix” - rather than explicitly say goodbye to her. (Unless he’s labouring under the delusion that she’s going to offer to drop everything and come with them). It seems that in Cassian’s mind any departure from Ferrix and his established relationships there is always a short-term thing. He just won’t countenance the idea that leaving might spell the end of his life there. It’s also behind his general complacency when it comes to Bix: she’s clearly not healthily over him even now but his own bruised feelings translate to some pretty shitty behaviour: badly timed flirting, insensitivity re Timm’s death and an apparent refusal to accept responsibility for everything going to shit for Ferrix and for her. It’s why he’s so hurt and unpleasant back when she finally effectively tells him to fuck right off. Up till then, he’d probably been deluding himself that he could have her back at any time if he really put his mind to it, as she’s taken him back in the past.

Cont…

^^Kassa’s last sight of his sister Kerri. In the scene before, Pegla told the adult Cassian “Clear out - don’t come back!” The words seem to prompt this final part of the episode one flashback. When he told his little sister “ I’m coming back!” - and never did.

In short, Cassian has real trouble with goodbyes, and of course it all goes back to the pain of those times when he lost someone.… His sister, to whom he undoubtedly said “I’m coming back” in the Kenari language before running off and never seeing her again. Clem, arrested and executed. His parents, presumably, back on Kenari. And it gives extra poignancy to the end of Episode 11 when Cassian hasn’t even consciously countenanced the idea that Maarva might have died and is therefore hit so hard with the full cold shock of the news. Before the hug with Brasso he beats himself up with ‘I told her I was coming back… I never should have left that morning’.

^^ trying to convince himself he’s having a great time, but Cassian is left empty… bruised by the memory of two very disappointing non-goodbyes back on Ferrix. The shock of losing Maarva will eventually be counterbalanced by his resolution not to abandon Bix.

His childhood trauma means the habit of avoiding saying goodbye is a kind of emotional defence mechanism, as is so much of his early character. Deep down is the fear of losing people and ironically this often translates on the surface level to an apparent complacency, a taking them for granted. Believing that he will always be able to come back, to Ferrix or to a relationship, ties in with his often pretty shitty attitude towards his friends and loved ones in the early episodes. He always seems to expect favours to be granted and forgiveness to be offered. It’s not remotely healthy, of course, which might be one of the reasons he is straining patience and is such a mess as a result.

^^A bleak parting from Melshi when Cassian is reeling from the news that his botched goodbye with Maarva was the last one. He doesn’t know if he’s going to see Bix and the others ever again, but he makes his usual promise nonetheless.

The goodbyes to Melshi in Ep11 and the Ferrix crew in Ep 12 are made a bit easier for us as we know there’s a season 2 but of course in universe Cassian has no idea if or when he will ever see them again. But he is learning that you can’t let that stop you in life from doing what needs to be done ( in this case, offering his life to the cause). For Cassian, avoiding saying goodbye was a way of trying to keep goodbyes at bay. In turn, it was an aspect of his general lack of commitment to anything. But goodbyes are inevitable and learning to accept that is going to be crucial in the fight. I think it’s going to be very tough, though, for a character with this ‘fear of being someone who leaves people behind’. He may well go on blaming himself for goodbyes that were not his fault, as is his tendency. I also think this is the real relevance of the Season 1 arc regarding looking for his sister. It’s much more about Cassian himself than about her. Just before Cassian says “I’m coming back” Maarva urges him to “Stop searching for your sister… let it go.” On Cassian’s face as he walks out you can see a kind of fear. He gets this look when a truth about a ‘goodbye’ is made very clear to him.

^ saying “I’m coming back” to Maarva and “I’ll find you” to the Ferrix refugees. You can see the same fear and doubt on Cassian’s face. He is clearly remembering those times that turned out to be a last (non) goodbye.

In contrast, at the end of his life, he gets one of the best goodbyes in any film. But again, he doesn’t say it. Yet in giving Cassian this particular kind of death, where you can literally see it coming and know there is no “I’m coming back” this time, it’s not only ironic - it’s also very moving. Jyn looks at him as if daring him to say something inappropriate as they watch inevitable death approaching. His final words are the selfless reassurance - “Your father would have been proud of you” and the goodbye then becomes the famously beautiful hug. Words are unnecessary. Through this platonic embrace they can effectively say goodbye to everyone they have ever known and loved - and also to each other. This is all they have but also all they need at the very end.

A heartbreaking but perfect farewell for this most fascinating and human of popular-culture heroes.

^^ “Who knows which one becomes the last goodbye?” (Peter Hammill, ‘Too Many of my Yesterdays’). Cassian and Jyn knew here, but it’s a good general lesson for us … try not to botch a goodbye because for most of us, we really don’t know which one will become the last.

[creation-help]

Advice and tips on how to make your character feel more genuine/real

- Pettiness and shallowness. Obviously it can manifest in different ways, but IRL everyone has at least one or two little things that they're a bit surface level and "Just because!" about. Be it clothes, how they do certain rituals, what color m&ms they prefer ect ect. It can be little details or even major characteristics, and depending on which (and what) they are, it can be really telling about the character! Plus, it just adds a little extra depth and fun. Some examples including but not limited to: Being fussy over getting their clothes wet or dirty, only preferring some items because they look good, insisting on doing some action or tradition exactly a certain way, disliking an aspect of a thing or a person because they just don't like it, and so on. Obviously the big worldview points like morality and beliefs are very important, but when you've figured those out, take a moment to think about the smaller, everyday things your character feels about the world around them. No matter how good or wise a person is, they'll still always have some little thing that they can't give some profound noble answer to. Use this to your advantage to explore your character's shortcomings or flaws!

(In the same vein, Pet peeves is another detail that can flesh out a character!)

- How does your character perceive things? What do they notice about people first? How would they talk about, or describe another person to someone, if asked? How would they describe themself? And why? Just some things to consider. If your character maps out all the little details and deeply analyzes everything they see, it'll show in their interactions very differently than, for example, if they have the perception of a cabbage and are more oblivious than the love interest in a teen drama that the writers are stretching out for five seasons for no reason. Ykno.

- Additionally: what's their opinion of the people around them? Or if you've already mapped that out, what's their opinion of people they've never met before, or people who aren't in their immediate bubble, friends of friends, relatives of relatives, neighbours, or celebrities, mythical/historical figures and so on. Delve into hypotheticals sometimes, it can help you exercise your knowledge of the character. Even if none of these encounters or situations would happen in Canon.

- I'm sure you've already figured out what your character is most passionate about, ykno, whatever drives the story and impacts their relationships with other characters. But how about stuff they really don't care to think about? Just shrug? Not interesting? Doesn't pay attention to this? What is low on their priorities? It doesn't have to be negative (but can be!), it can just be "Meh", or something your character hasn't even noticed before, simply because it's not in their thoughtscape to think about.

- Does your character have any of those "What? I thought everyone did that/thought that/was like that!" - things? What do they take for granted, or weren't aware isn't a universal experience? Did they have a wildly different experience with something that most other characters hadn't even thought of? And yes I understand this is good for exploring trauma and other angsty things, but besides the obvious, think about maybe something that could be related to your character's species/living environment/abilities/opinions ect. This is great for exploring cultural differences, and anything that takes place in a fantasy setting. Very useful for villains and heroes alike! It's insightful. Everyone has small little perceptive differences or big and small thoughts that for some reason just haven't been properly challenged yet. Or brought up even. For whatever reason. Explore maybe what that reason could be, and figure out why it's been unchallenged for so long.

- Imperfections. Little divergences. It's fully possible to write a compelling and genuine feeling character using just archetypes, if you really explore them deeply. And whether you're doing that or not, think about the lines and molds you've set your character into, and let them spill out of them a little bit. Can be one huge aspect or one teensy detail, but make some diversion. Some crack in the picture. Doesn't have to be a flaw but can be! Just have some little aspects that set them apart and make the character themself. Get weird with it. Getting weird is one huge way you can truly make a character stand out and feel more unique and, oddly enough, genuine and real. Actual people have little oddities or things that don't line up with everything else about their person. And again it doesn't necessarily have to be anything big or shocking, in fact I'd argue it's even better if sometimes it's just a small, very ordinary, humanizing detail. Maybe unexpected, or maybe just something that doesn't factor into the surface image your character has. Think about characters similar to yours that you see often. What traits do they all share, or most usually have? Think about the kinds of people your character is inspired by. What are they often like? Make a diversion from that. Make multiple even? It can be the most random thing but think about it, even if you threw a dart at a wall of sticky notes, really chew out what this little thing says about your character. And focus on little cracks, imperfections, diversions and other odd details of your character. Over time they can grow bigger, or maybe not.

- Keep a clear picture of who your character is. Sounds obvious but I'll elaborate. Your character will obviously change and develop over the time you're working on them and whatever story events take place but I think it's very important to keep in mind who they fundamentally are. Basically I'm saying that try to keep them in character, yes even if you did drastic character development, you can still show that it's the same person in other ways even if one of their core traits was flipped. Be aware of what things will never change about your character no matter what they'd go through. Keep some consistency. Consistency matters alot in making a character seem genuine and, ykno, a good character. Even if that consistent trait is that they're inconsistent! The character can be that, yes, but as their creator, you should still keep sights of what's consistent for this character, you feel? If your character is a glunk of slime that slips out of it's container constantly and subsequently molds into whatever situation it gets put in, that's not really a character, that's.. Idk, plot device..? I know this may sound contradicting to my previous point but I fully think that, and this one can and should coexist.

You need to simultaneously be aware of the ways your character will differ from something and be fluid, and the ways your character will not bend, and cannot become. It's simply a matter of knowing their boundaries and restrictions, knowing which way they can lean and which way not. Obviously this'll be up to you as their creator, bc yeah you're allowed to drastically edit your character if you feel like it's for the better, but try to commit to that change then. Don't let the character slip from your hands, or let the story bend them into whatever shape it needs to make the plot go forward. Your character, and more importantly you, should be in control of that.

I emphasize the point of you controlling your character and not the other way around also. I've seen some character owners slip into "Well it's just what the character would do! I can't help it, it'd be out of character if they didn't do x!" even if the thing is completely awful, doesn't fit, or would ruin an aspect of the story. A smart writer will know how to work with your character's traits in a way that prevents them from running off the tracks and becoming their own little gremlin, while also complying with the story. Respect your character's.. Character, while also respecting yourself and the point of the story. This is even more crucial if it's a roleplay character, by the way..

I'm just saying, find ways to write the story in cooperation with your character. That means knowing what situations to avoid and which ones to steer for, in order to keep your character functioning with the plot and other characters. Sometimes you simply have to prevent some event from happening, or some characters from ever meeting, for the sole reason that it wouldn't make the story work the way it should. Or the way you want it to. You hold the pencil, be aware of what that means

[rayatii]

What War Is

(A sort of poem by me.)

What is war?

To me, war is

The streets of my city lined up with makeshift tents

The run-down school next to my place now hosting refugees

Every public school now closed because they are hosting refugees

Seeing places that were once so familiar to me, get destroyed in a wink

Passing apartments destroyed by bombings, and

Seeing workers already working on rebuilding them

The instructions and maps for bomb shelters on the website of my university

My professors constantly reminding us that we are going through uncertain times (but please take your responsibilities seriously)

The countless online lectures on stress management and living through times like these

The hybrid class arrangements where only a maximum of four students show up to class in-person, because many are out of the city or even out of the country

The extra burden of balancing stress from this situation and class requirements we fell behind on due to schools and universities closing for a while at the start

Learning the difference between the sound of a sonic boom and a bomb

Briefly mistaking every loud noise I hear for a bomb sound

Hearing more sirens outside than usual, and

Wondering more than usual where these sirens are headed to

Anticipating every day the familiar buzz of a reconnaissance drone over my city (I keep trying to troll it)

Losing sleep from being startled awake at night by distant bombings

The most depressing kind of packing for a trip ever

Living half a live in one place and half a life in another

Missing things I once took for granted

Texting and calling loved ones living in a certain area after a bombing, to see if they are still alive

My family always leaving the TV on for news and updates while I am catching up on my assignments

Me and others telling each other jokes about the politicians and military forces perpetrating the destruction

Feeling a certain sense of extra kinship with my fellow countrypeople

Discovering new points of view, on- and offline, new allies and new enemies, surprising or not

People online, living thousands of kilometers away, who see us as collateral damage or think we somehow deserve this suffering because of our political situation

Finding out how very little some people know about our lives here

Sometimes resenting people overseas for living their best life

Reminding myself not to let the situation corrupt my mind and turn me into an asshole

Learning more and gaining wisdom (but at what cost)

"Relatable" posts on Tumblr taking a whole new meaning

Understanding famous stories of war, real or fantasy, the true effects of war, more than ever

My friends and loved ones overseas asking me near-daily if I am okay, and

Me replying every time that yes, I am okay, I am safe

Being grateful that I am alive and well, but still not being quite happy

The awareness of the unreality of the situation

Living through historical times, and resenting it

Agreeing with others that we are experiencing a Lite™ version of survivor's guilt

My weekly therapy sessions now becoming more necessary than ever

Generational trauma becoming not-so-generational-anymore

Oscillating between complete desperation, and determination to not give my enemies the satisfaction of my submission to fear

The tiredness and stress I carry, often without knowing, and

Being aware that everyone around me carries that same tiredness and stress, often without knowing

Reflecting on hypothetical scenarios

Reflecting on where to go

Reflecting on whether the next bombs will drop on me or on people I know

Reflecting on what I might leave behind

Reflecting on the possibility of suddenly losing everything I hold dear

Reflecting on the possibility of suddenly losing everything

Reflecting on the very possible eventuality of death

Reflecting on my life itself.

But even so, I see that I am privileged, because

I still have access to food and clean water (some don't.)

I still have a roof over my head (some don't.)

I still have access to my education (some don't.)

I still have enough money to afford those basic needs (some don't.)

I still have all of my brain, both my eyes, ears, my nose, both my arms, legs, and all my fingers (some don't.)

I still have nearly all the trinkets and indulgences, useful or trivial, that are dear to my heart (some don't.)

I still have some time to focus on leisure (some don't.)

I haven't developed any serious mental issues from all this (yet) (some did.)

I live in a relatively safe area (some don't)

Me and my family have at least one option for areas to retreat to (some don't.)

My loved ones are all still alive

I am still alive.

(some are not.)

[doublejango]

for @visage-of-hell because neither of us has any actual chill <3

-

Blitz was in a good mood. Sure, he was sore as fuck from getting his ass kicked by Millie, and neither his head nor his heart felt like it was screwed on right, but so fucking be it. That was just the way cookies rumbled, or whatever ominous shit cookies did when people weren't eating them. He was still alive and that was what really mattered--Infester demon be fucking damned. Wearing his favorite old black jeans--skintight, ripped in a few places--and a snug leather jacket, horns nicely oiled, claws clean and sharp, Blitz was in a delightful mood. Sometimes, being bruised as deeply as he was just felt good, in the most fucked up way possible--because it felt like a badge of honor. He'd survived. Death said hey, bitch, and Blitz survived. Again. And every fucking time, it was a victory.

And surviving Millie's fists? Now that was something to be proud of, because his friend was a force of nature, a woman to be absolutely reckoned with, a warrior to be feared because she was fearless. Millie had saved his life in that hotel--granted, by beating the shit out of him, but she was right. He could take it, and he did, proudly.

So, spirits high--especially because Moxxie had convinced him to return all of the crap he'd bought that hadn't been burned yet, and Moxxie was right about this financial shit--and body feeling like he was glowing, Blitz had his hands in his pockets as he strolled down to the alley he was going to meet Vizzy in. It absolutely wasn't going to be a date, of course. Just a nasty fuck in a darkened alleyway, up against the bricks, them both growling and being a little rough with each other. It would be a good time, just like it always was.

When he got there, Blitz realized he was early. No Viz. Well, fine by him. He leaned against the wall, one heel up, and just tilted his head back to look up at the sky.

Moments later, when he heard a growl, he grinned and turned to look--

But that wasn't Vizzy.

A man was coming down the alley towards him. Scrawny, familiar, just a silhouette, but someone that--

Blitz let out a single laugh when he realized it. "Roman, right? Infesty Fester Roman?"

The demon seethed, its form slowly growing, extra limbs and tentacles trailing out towards Blitz. "The name I used hardly matters now. I will no longer be limited by Earth's constraints. You, imp, will die... Now."

Tail starting to whip, grin dark, Blitz unzipped his jacket and stepped away from the wall. "Oh yeah? Listen, you're not the hot little number I'm waiting for here, but Daddy's got plenty of appetite to take any and all comers." He pulled a knife in each hand, grinning--and doing his best to keep up a strong mental and emotional front. Weakness was how that fucker had gotten into him before, because he was upset, because he wasn't handling his own trauma, his own emotions. This fucker had forced his way in and had his merry fucking way with Blitz's body and mind, and that? Wasn't happening again. So, not allowing himself to be afraid, he took up a ready stance--

And let himself back off a pace or two.

Rolando took the bait.

Furious, the thing moved closer. "Too foolish to run?"

"It's a dead-end alley, fucko, where am I gonna go? And hey," he glanced over Rolando's shoulder, but briefly as could be, eyes immediately flicking back to his face--he wasn't going to give away the position of the incredibly sexy Hellhound who had just appeared behind this bitch. "I can't really blame you for wanting another ride..."

"This ride," the higher demon seethed, "will be your last."

"Big talk from a widdle old man." Blitz lowered his head, ready for this. "Who just made his last mistake."

Rolando snickered. "Did I? I'm going to relish diving back into you. Tell me, imp, what did I do wrong, hm? Do you not like my fashion sense? Is that it?"

"Well, ya wore me, so your fashion sense is fine. You just forgot about one thing."

Rolando snorted. "Mildred isn't here."

"Nooo. No, Millie's not here. But," he grinned, baring all of his teeth in dark, delicious delight, "she is."

He had already texted Vizzy everything about this man the day before, when he first got home. They might not be dating, because they were pretending so fucking hard there were no feelings here, but Blitz knew it didn't matter: Vizzy didn't let anyone else prey on her fucking territory.

Confused, Rolando turned to look...

[isan0rt]

I keep Xehanort posting on account of how Dark Road made him so extra fascinating and I keep turning him over in my brain like a rotisserie chicken but today I'm thinking about how DDD and KH3 for Young Xehanort really was like, Kingdom Hearts: Re:Traumatization; Distorted Cognition.

(Side bar I really do think, for him, those games happen in that year between his two meetings with Master of Masters. It's the most obvious explanation for his radicalization, and like. I know he's often referred to as Young Master Xehanort but I think that's as in, he's the young version of Master Xehanort, but he's not actually a Master himself yet. If he was, he wouldn't be condescendingly talking down to Xigbar in Re:Coded about how he will get No Name; he would already have been granted it. He's still on his world tour, and will take the test after all this.)

Really though from the first world he appears in, shit is fucked for him. This dude is like 19, only four years out from watching all but one of his classmates get murdered, and now he's going through This Shit while on his 'stew alone in your own feelings with no emotional support' study abroad.

The first world he appears in is Traverse Town where the fucking Reaper's Game is going on. Four dead teenagers who all really want to live, two boys and two girls, and the younger girl, the little blonde, the baby sister is visibly younger than the others, and her older brother loves her so much and wants to save her so badly but he can't, can he? They're already dead. Xehanort's there watching these four split up from each other and having to manipulate them but it doesn't matter, they're all already dead.

Prankster's Paradise. It's fine, this is just a dream, and besides, Pinocchio is just a doll. His feelings aren't real (no matter what you feel coming from him) and they don't matter.

The Grid. Just programs, and for that matter just copies of programs. Their feelings aren't real (don't worry about what you're perceiving) and they don't matter.

Quasimodo is an outsider, lonely and isolated, and he'll never be accepted. Watch how he's treated for it. Think about whether you (Xehanort) were ever really accepted in Scala, or if you'll also always be second fiddle even with no one else left. You can only rely on yourself, and the future your older self has laid out for you.

Sora, in The World that Never Was. He's a walking time bomb; an empath with no control over his abilities, and totally unable to stop taking other people's pain into himself. He has already imprisoned three other hearts inside himself because he can't let go, and he is already cracking under the strain (Anti Form. Rage Form. Even Data Roxas tells Data Sora he'll destroy himself if he can't learn to let go). Sora is going to break, and Xehanort has seen what happens when an empath who can't handle the burden of other people's emotions catastrophically shatters under the strain. Get Sora under their control, before he goes critical.

Toy Box. They're just toys; spilt them up from each other and watch how they fall apart. They aren't strong enough to handle things without dragging on each other. Their feelings aren't real and they don't matter. You can reproduce the conditions of your own trauma and see that the outcome will be the same, that Baldr could never have been prevented and there was no way to save him (See, Angelic Amber just needed to be stopped by force. But then Buzz...). They're just toys. It doesn't matter.

Sora again. See, he's broken. He couldn't handle the strain. But... What's he doing? He can't save his friends, they're already dead. It can't be done; it shouldn't be done. How dare he; what's so different about him? What gives him the right to have them back? But Sora can't really have his friends returned without consequences, surely-

See? It destroyed him. Sora couldn't let go of his attachments and accept his grief and it destroyed him. Just as Xehanort warned. Just like it destroyed Baldr. Attachments only cause suffering; Xehanort won't let himself be ruled by them. He simply won't get attached to anyone else, ever again (but what about Eraqus- what about his dream friends- what about-).

And all while surrounded by Nobodies, hollowed out of all but the tiniest seed of the potential of a heart, and Replicas, only copies. Their feelings aren't real, and they don't matter. All that matters is the goal. Don't worry about the negative emotions other people are feeling about what you're doing. It's for the good of the worlds, they simply are too shortsighted to understand. A cat will also fight you when you try to pill it, but you are bigger and stronger and know better, and this is what you have to do.

It's fine. It's fine. Their feelings aren't real, and they don't matter.

Do what has to be done.

[indigoipsum]

Any Alois headcanons?

Hehe yes 😼

TW: Light ED discussion

A lot of people have brought this up, but I really do think he’d have a very poor body image/issues with eating. It’s extra complicated because of how food insecure he was when he was younger, and while he wants to indulge in sweets and rich things, he still sees himself as something that exists solely for attractiveness and fears weight gain. I think he also has trouble accepting getting older, as he starts to get taller and broader, because men have consistently been the ones to hurt him and yet he has to accept that he’s becoming one. The whole ordeal is just weird for him.

I think Alois’ trauma complicates his relationship with sexuality and gender. He’s just a kid so like… I can’t say he’s 100% anything but it’s kinda widely accepted he’s mlm. In my modern AU rp I had eons ago I figured he’d probably use they/he pronouns and experiment with wearing dresses and skirts (which he should be able to regardless of gender! I just see him being able to embrace his femininity if he lived in a more accepting society)

He and Lizzie would 100% be friends. I think he’d flirt with her to annoy Ciel, but after a while the bit isn’t funny anymore and he just wants to spend time with her. She would help him mellow out a bit and he would encourage her to be more assertive. Lizzie would probably start swearing without realizing and Frances would be like ???!!! We know that he can wield a sword, so I think that he’d enjoy fencing with her (and she’d beat him every time).

He probably enjoys lovecore stuff, like pink and white teacups with delicate hearts around the rim and stationary with little Cupids decorating the margins.

His handwriting used to be very messy, partly because he learned to write later in life and partly because of his racing thoughts and short attention span. However, he got teased about it when he went to hand in letters and official documents so he works with Claude to perfect his penmanship.

He loves gothic horror stories, but also loves romance novels. He’s pretty unashamed of this, even when the covers are a little embarrassing.

He’s not really a cat or a dog person. He prefers birds and insects.

Though he doesn’t want to admit it, he cares about Hannah. He just knows that trying to lash out at Claude is more dangerous. Getting closer to Lizzie probably makes him reflect on his actions more, too.

He prefers strong black tea to other teas. He likes white wine and champagne, though.

He wishes he could have been an actor. Granted, he likes having wealth, but high society bores him and he’s seen time and time again that most nobles are awful people. He drags anyone in the house to go see operas and plays whenever he can. He brought the triplets to a play once and got mad that they kept whispering about it amongst themselves, when he’s the one who should be making comments!

He consistently damages former Earl Trancy’s headstone and waits to see how long the rest of his family takes to notice. Inevitably, his Uncle Arnold notices, calls him, tries to blame it on him, then Alois gives his whole crocodile tears routine and makes Arnold pay for a new one.

Alois doesn’t know his real birthday, but chose Guy Fawkes day as a double excuse to party and cause mischief.

The Trancy family has some German and French heritage, which everyone asks about given his very German sounding first name. He had no idea that it was a German name and just goes along with it. Sieglinde is teaching him German, but he really just wants to know all the curses and rude phrases.

[bigbadripley]

Chapter 13 - The Way

Marc Spector/Steven Grant x Female!OC

Summary: Marc never expected to see his childhood friend Simone ever again. To Simone, Marc may as well have been dead. However, when Simone met Steven 15 years after Marc disappeared, she couldn’t help but notice how familiar he was.

⚠️ 18+ | 2kish Words | Third-person omniscient | Dark?fic/Fluff? | AU/AT |

Warnings: Heavy language, OC with religious trauma, childhood trauma, sexual trauma, the effects of this in adulthood, smut mention, blood mention, established relationship, maybe some typos,  **Fluff is not my strong suit but these guys need a quick break before the coming chapters ;)

A/N: I update warnings with each chapter. Only proceed if you can handle the themes included in the warnings. I wrote this entirely as a trauma dump.

Minors DNI, DL;DR, if I miss a warning, please let me know.

Chapter list 

"It's the way you walk, the way you talk, babe It's the way you love, the way you fuck, the way It's the way you are, you're a star, babe" -"The Way" by Kehlani

 It's incredible how the world can skew the perception of your own thoughts and memories. How you can grow up being told by everyone in your life that you're a liar or misremembering details of events and, in turn, develop a sort of imposter syndrome. 

This was the case for Simone. She had spent her life surrounded by nonbelievers and manipulated to the point where she didn't fully accept if she remembered things correctly or not. In the grand scheme of things, this was both a blessing and a curse.

She brushed off Jake the Taximan as one of these events where she thought something happened, and it didn't happen exactly how she felt it did. While in that taxi, she was positive that that man had shared a face and body with her companion. Thinking back, she assumed she was just drunk and exhausted. 

As time passed, it became more apparent that this had to be the case. The more time Simone spent with Marc and Steven, the more she swatted the idea away like a fly buzzing in her ears. She knew she would sound crazy bringing up the taxi driver, who may or may not have looked like Marc if he spoke fluent Spanish from New York, so she dismissed the thought entirely. 

In the circumstance of Marc and Steven, however, they were none the wiser to Jake the Taximan and would have never assumed he was the cause of their blackouts and lost time unless Simone brought it up first. They kept those events to themselves still, afraid of how she may react, and began to keep up with them when they were the most frequent to make any crucial plans during those times. 

This meant Monday nights, Friday nights, and Saturday mornings were all Simone's.  

On this particular Tuesday morning, her alarm blasted from under her pillow, telling her to get up and ready for work. Just as she was awoken by it, Steven took the liberty of silencing it before she could get to it. 

"What a beautiful day to take sick leave." He said sleepily. Simone snickered,

"Yeah, right, and postpone all of my appointments out for the rest of the week and keep me in the office longer. Not a chance." She responded sarcastically. 

Steven groggily propped himself up on his elbow and admired her as she stretched her body, head pushed back into the pillow with arms extended above her, breasts fully exposed. He checked the time on her phone again, knowing she had an extra 10 minutes to laze around before she had to rush and get ready. He took advantage. 

"Let's start your day off right then, yeah?" He spoke as he pulled the covers over his head and snaked down her body. It was her turn for morning oral, but they didn't typically do this on work days. This fact did little to cause her to protest. 

 Once the morning escapades concluded, Simone was left with only enough time to brush her teeth and take a quick shower to freshen up before dressing and giving them a kisses goodbye.

The commute to work was shorter from Marc and Steven's place, so she arrived at the office with nearly 3 minutes to spare before her first appointment. She got her coffee pot started and glanced at the whiteboard calendar above it, feeling nauseated at the big red circle smack in the middle of the month as always before her eyes drifted to a sticky note in the corner that read:

Call Maxine.

Simone decided she would do that during her lunch break. 

After Simone left for work, Steven and Marc began to argue over the urgency of telling her about their lost time. Steven was pro-tell, and Marc was anti-tell, at least for now, as he would defend. 

"I want her around just as much as you do, but what if she's here one night, and we black out? If this is anything like those times before..." He trailed off, assuming the worst. The thought brought back the times when he would suddenly snap back to reality surrounded by ravaged bodies covered in blood. He feared that same fate for Simone.

Marc knew the risk, but if he lost Moni again, he feared he would lose his mind along with her. Steven was confused over why Marc was suddenly the less rational one. How he could sit back and keep this to himself was beyond him, seeing as Marc's always been more protective. 

"We can't assume that. We have this thing pretty well figured out. We just have to stick to it." Marc popped back in to say. "Besides, when was the last time we had a situation like that?" 

"Cairo, I know. We can't hide it forever, though, Marc! She will find out eventually." 

"Then we need to get this figured out first. You saw how weirded out she was when it was just you and me. I won't lose her again."

 Later in the evening, after a more thorough shower than the one from that morning, Simone put on her lounging clothes and enjoyed having the apartment to herself until she eventually broke and went back to see her best boys. From there, she got comfortable, ate dinner with them, and had a spike in creativity that led to her pulling out a notepad and scribbling words like she used to.

"I'm surprised you didn't become a writer to some degree," Marc told her, leaning down to reach over her shoulder and place kisses behind her ear. "Though, I'm not surprised that you're a doctor either. Shocked it's for the brain and not the body." he finished, sitting beside her. Simone looked up from the pad,

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you were always fascinated with human anatomy." He said, eyes grazing over the words she had written down so far. It was just as he remembered: comparing intimacy to silk sheets and body parts to candy. Simone smirked, 

"It's called having an unhealthy relationship with your body, others' body, and sex. Growing up, being told you can't even think about those things because they're bad. Leads to being tempted and damn near obsessed but feeling guilty about actually doing it and staying a virgin until you're 21 years old." She explained it as it was explained to her before, long ago, by other people who experienced the same.

"I guess you really only know that because you're a head doctor," Marc pointed out, assuming she learned that from her studies. The conversation begged another question that had been on his mind. "So, uh, who had the pleasure?" 

"Pardon?"

"Who took your virginity? I've been curious."

Simone was amused by the question, realizing it never came up in conversation. She'd told him about her exes and experiences, but her first time was never something she thought to explain. In fact, she imagined the affair would probably cause him to ask questions she didn't know the answers to. Still, she trucked on. 

"My roommate in uni, actually. Her name was Trina." She said, doing her best to hold back the rouge that demanded to rise to her cheeks. Marc's eyes widened, 

"Simone Alejandra Fredrick, I had no idea you swung that way." He gasped in disbelief. 

"I didn't know if I did at the time, actually. Trina did, and she had a very similar experience as me with her family and got me into a support group she was in for it. Essentially, it was for the sake of helping me out of the mindset that these things were bad. She made me comfortable." Simone explained. 

Marc got the answer he wanted in a completely different way than he had pictured. He was comforted by the knowledge that she could handle things her way and figure herself out away from the things that wanted to harm her. 

Simone interrupted his thoughts. "I showed you mine; you show me yours." 

"I was 19, in the Army. Her name was Sarah, and that's all I remember." Marc explained with a shrug. Simone met his shrug with her own, thinking about how well he kept her in his mind, not the unknown Sarah. 

"We're two very different people now, huh?" She asked, knowing the obvious answer. Marc didn't have to reply, but he took her free hand into his. He wanted to bring up everything happening and realized that there may not be a better opportunity than right then. 

"There's something I've been meaning to tell you."

"What's that?" She asked, keeping her eyes on his face. Marc felt the words on his tongue and knew how easy it would be just to say it-

I've been losing time and blacking out. I need your help. 

But they held onto his teeth, refusing to move like sticky caramel candy. He pictured her bright eyes suddenly melting into disappointment or fear, and he just couldn't do it. What came out instead seemed easier to explain. 

"It's about Chicago. I was at that bar you went to, specifically sitting at the bar. You touched my back and called me handsome. I was too chickenshit to say anything." He blurted, trying to make it seem like a big deal. The nervous thumping of his heart disappeared once he had the wrong confession out into the open.

You nearly had it, mate. Fuck. Steven thought as he watched behind the eyes.

"Oh my god, I knew it! Ericka said I was losing my damn mind!" Simone exclaimed excitedly, pulling her hand from his and thinking back to the time and how she believed it all wrong. This made her question what other things may have been brushed off or second-guessed throughout her life, but Marc spoke back up.

"Speaking of, since when did you hang out with Ericka?" 

"Baby, after you left, Ericka was the only person who treated me like a human being. Then we got into some trouble and were separated, but that's a whole other story."

"Tell me about it."

Simone took the time to explain all the mischief she got up to with Ericka before being sent to her uncle's house. Much of what she explained surprised Marc, as he didn't know Moni to get up to much of the stuff she did after he left. She was always a bit rebellious but clearly held back what she wanted to do in his presence. He was always a good boy, after all. 

 Tuesday nights were not Simone nights. She always went back home until Friday night, but this time, she stayed a little later than intended and fell asleep with them. Marc and Steven made the mistake of letting her. 

Simone was startled awake by a shuffling in the dark of the flat. She felt around the other side of the bed, searching for the other body that was meant to be there but felt nothing. She sat up, and as her eyes adjusted in the dark, she saw him putting on clothes.

"Marc?" She asked the shadow, wondering why he would be up this late. He pivoted around to face her as he buttoned his pants and cocked his head,

"You really gotta stop calling me that, Chi-town."

[andshesbarleybreathingg]

You left me today. Your death was my first time reckoning with reality. When you died I learned that nothing lasts forever and that we are all on borrowed time. You taught me the importance of enjoying the people you love, “now” because “later” lingers and limps in the air; eligible to get cut down by a “bad day.” In the face of tragedy I’m frequently told, “things get better.” What I should’ve been told is that, “sometimes things get better, and sometimes they don’t,” which would’ve been the truth. Trauma repeats itself, and sometimes I wonder if the repetition of that trauma is trying to teach me something. I can still hear our banter back and forth, feel your arm punch as you pass me in the kitchen, aggravating of course - something I would give anything to have again. Wrestling in the living room floor - me winning because, well duh. But actually winning because Mom and your Dad made you quit being rough with me. You chasing me with a dead snake... traumatizing me until this day. But most of all remembering the hugs, the laughs, the shopping and lunch dates, and the difficult phone calls guiding you through your hardships, although it broke my heart to know that you were hurting. I pray that you are watching over us and smiling from heaven. I have learned that the most cliché sayings are cliché because they are the truth. "It's the little things that mean the most", "you find out who your true friends are," and "don't take things for granted," are just a few that come to mind. Although, most of these sayings I have found to be true, some however are not. Time does not heal all wounds. In my personal opinion, time heals nothing. Time does not bring you back or change what happened. I only have learned different ways to cope with this tragedy and how to comfort those around me who have been affected as well. Time doesn't take the pain away, we only learn how to deal with it in better ways. In the short 25 years that I got to have such an amazing person in my life, you taught me so much. Although, you were the younger one, I looked up to you. I tried my best to get you the help you deserved. When you're growing up you picture certain life events and you were in every single one of them. The thought that you will not physically be at birthdays, holidays, graduations, and weddings are something that instantly bring tears to my eyes. I want people with siblings to give them that extra minute of their time or call them just to chat. Tell them you love them. Let them know how important they are to you. We really don't realize how lucky we are and we should cherish our loved ones while we have our time with them. I want you to know how much I cherished you and our relationship. In the end, I hope that you're happy with the decisions I'm making, and I want you to be proud of me and the person I'm trying to become. You were truly one of a kind and one of the good ones.

With all my love

Your sister 💔❤️‍🩹😭😔👼🏻

[stingslikeabee]

how would melissa react to the news of reno's death?

unscripted asks . always accepting

First of all: how dare you? Second of all: very badly.

Melissa's emotions and her drive for human connections are her greatest asset and liability. Melissa can play a very important part as an anchor to those struggling to see meaning in life and to help bring them back from darker, dangerous places; but the fact that she places so much importance on those connections and how fundamentally they shape her also create problems.

Losing them is the most drastic of them all because it feels like losing a part of herself - it's like these memories, their shared habits, their favorite treats all turn dark, bitter and wither away. Melissa loves intensely, but that extends to all of her other feelings - she feels loss acutely, she gets enraged easily, she will be frustrated very often. There is no middle ground with her and she frequently needs time and/or support to process this and act more rationally.

With Reno in particular, in this verse and with what we built for them, it hits her extra hard. They were kindred spirits in a way, closer than blood relatives and someone Melissa trusted with her life. Reno offered her safety to drop her public persona and also granted her some sort of protection and tranquility that usually she was the one giving to others (from a broader perspective and considering Wall Market under Corneo rule, Melissa was the one granting asylum and taking in those in danger - with Reno, she was the protected/cared for individual when she usually was the giving one).

So while Melissa was always rationally aware that his job was dangerous and that this was a likely scenario, I think she never really prepared herself for the day it does happen - Reno felt like the type of soul to be blessed against misfortune and as if the fates owed him for the trauma he endured as a younger street rat. She believed that - he was too fast, too skilled, too good at his job to be caught by surprise or to be bested. Reno did not boast or brag - in Melissa's eyes, she had been a witness to so much coming from him that it was just the truth.

So losing his warmth, his humor, his comforting presence will be a heavy blow and will have her shut down and go silent after there are no more tears to cry. Melissa will look paler, duller and quieter in a way that is just uncomfortable because she's not that person - she's a social butterfly, she's the light in the room and the warm touch for those who are lonely. But without the connections that fuel her, she's just lifeless and heartbroken.

It is possible for her to recover - and I don't know if through the shared effort of her girls, other friends or even Rude, but at some point she would likely heal a bit, enough to at least try and honor Reno properly. Deep down, Melissa knows Reno would not want her tears and all that mopey act - he would rather have her visiting the Saucer again, watching bad movies for laughs, allowing herself to re-enact their hobbies with a smile on her face.

But losing him will make her different - she may carry on, but she will always miss him. Reno was found family and that wound may heal, but it definitely leaves a scar.

[dzpenumbra]

5/9/23

Another slow day, but not a bad one. Good sleep again, and I'm noticing a dramatic difference in my general mood because of it. I ordered more plants this morning instead of going on social media. I think it was a much better decision.

I was originally going to place an Instacart order from Lowe's so I could get a planter to try doing that mini indoor zen garden idea with the water pump and everything... but... I like to batch order things, especially when I'm paying delivery fees, and they didn't have a few things I was looking for. Specifically a clothes iron to finish the paint on my hoodie, and specific plants. So I decided to just order plants off Etsy. It's pretty crazy that that's a thing. I can order cuttings or bulbs or seeds from people on the other side of the continent and within a week it's in my package room. Pretty easy to take shit like that for granted.

I had the idea... since I'm up all night anyway... I wanted actual fragrant flowers. I've never had those in my own house before. Natural aromas. I mean, it feels like a "duh" moment for me. I always use incense and it's great, but why the fuck would I not just get a living air freshener that only needs water and sunlight. So... I remembered that there are some plants that have flowers that only bloom at night. And I looked some up, and I ordered cuttings of night-blooming jasmine. I'm pretty excited for that. So daytime can be scented of incense, and nighttime can be scented of jasmine flowers. We'll see how long it takes for them to get here, the Pothos cuttings shipped today.

Late last night and early this morning, my back was acting up. Sore, tight, painful. My quads were too. I used the foam roller on my quads and it helped a lot, but my lower back needed some extra work this morning. Just getting started with yoga was difficult because of how sore it was. It felt super familiar, that location, that muscle. And I remembered when I was really young... like... probably 13? I was at a gaming store in town, like a tabletop hobby store. I really enjoyed going there, despite the owner kinda... coercing me into getting games I didn't necessarily want to get? Might as well just give context on that. My friends were into Warhammer 40K, and I wanted to get into it too. I was really into Starcraft and Star Trek and Star Wars and all that, big sci-fi nerd. And I came to the store specifically to get set up with a starter kit for 40K. I didn't even know what race I wanted to play, I just really wanted to get into it so I could play with my friends, they had a decent-sized scene there already, probably... 6-10 people? And the owner... he coerced me into getting a starter army for Warhammer Fantasy. And he 100% knew what he was doing. And he did it to try to get me to start up the Fantasy scene, so the local kids would play both... and buy both of the kits... which were... not fucking cheap. And little impressionable trauma kid Me just kinda awkwardly and bashfully was like... "okay"... And got the whole big Empire and Orcs starter kit for Warhammer Fantasy. And nothing for 40K. And I put it together myself, my whole Orc army. And I gave the Empire to my little brother, and put some pieces together for him. He's 6 years younger than me, so he was super young, way too young for a game that complex. So, the Empire... I guarantee there's pieces around that still haven't been put together and that was almost 25 years ago. I never got to play with my friends. They never got Fantasy armies, I didn't get a 40K army until they were all out of the scene, and when I did, it wasn't big enough to play with them. So... yeah, that was kinda shitty of that guy. I have no idea why my mom thought so highly of that dude, that's a really shitty thing to do to a 13 year old.

Anyway, the muscle pain reminded me of when I was that age and they were doing a LARPing thing there in the little grassy lawn outside. People all made weapons from PVC pipe and foam and duct tape and battled each other, it was really fun. But I was retreating backwards at one point and fell and my legs went back over my head and I... at age 13... threw my back out. And the pain was in the same muscles. I remembered all those memories that vividly simply because of a sore muscle group. Pretty crazy how the brain works.

I had two goals to day. 1). Ink drawing, 2). Instagram post. And I accomplished both. The ink drawing is not done, but I sank a good 5-6 hours into it tonight. The Instagram posts? For my necklaces. The one with the quartz centerpiece that I made last Fall, and the one with the bloodstone that I wear now. I wrote big descriptions for them too. I posted them 6 hours ago, and they have 2 likes and 1 like respectively. Yes, I used hashtags. This is what happens when you don't actively use apps. The algorithms fuck you. Deliberately. They favor users who are active, who interact with other users. If you just get on every 2 months and post and then hop off? You're the bottom of the barrel. It makes me wonder... what's the point? Why bother? It gets to a point where it does more damage to my self-esteem, will and perseverance than it actually benefits me. Like... so far... I have reached 2 people who used to be friends of mine, who clearly have never had intentions of directly supporting my career. I'm actually a bit surprised I'm even getting a click of a mouse or a tap of a phone screen from them, but I would be absolutely godsmacked to ever see $5 a month on Patreon from them, let alone an actual commission that actually makes a difference with my rent and groceries. But hey, what says "I love your restaurant, personal friend of mine that I support" like coming by and snagging up free samples every couple days and leaving a blank 5-star review. (I'm a little bitter.) I guess beggars can't be choosers.

Despite all the frustrations and memories that come with these interactions... I'm glad I posted. I'm glad I put myself out there. It didn't take much and I didn't feel a drop of adrenaline in my system. I just had to plan a specific time to do it - after my shower, when I usually put my necklace on. Then, I just took that momentum, with the necklace in hand, set up a display and lighting, did a mini photoshoot, then posted. Done and done.

It's better to put my work out there and get no response... than to not put it out there at all. Right? It's better to play a concert to 2 people than to just skip the fucking gig. Right? I've struggled with that for a long time. Especially with streaming.

There's a phenomenon that happens with people, and technology and social media have severely amplified it. Herd mentality. Where... say you see something listed on Etsy, for example. It has 20 reviews, 15 5-star, 3 4-star, a 2-star and a 1-star. And next to it is a nearly identical item, it has 2500 reviews that are nearly unanimously 5-star, it has a "Bestseller" tag on it and it's listed higher in the rankings than the 20 review one. Which one are you really going to buy? Right? Pretty much a no-brainer for most people. Now apply that same numbers-game mentality to Twitch. How many people are going around seeking out streams that have 3 viewers? How many people are going around seeking out YouTube videos that have less than 100 views? Those are typically, for most people, an indication of the content's quality. Until very recently, both platforms didn't even have search features built into their sites that allowed for searching by lowest-to-highest. That's how rare it is. That's how little people actually seek them out. So, in those cases... with that phenomenon... it can actually be worse advertising for you to stream with 3 viewers than to not stream at all.

I tried to explain this phenomena to my friends and family when I got back into art/streaming full-time after my breakup. They just... couldn't fucking process it. It was like I was speaking Japanese. Or maybe they just... didn't want to? I think they just really wanted to believe that being polite and saying "you're very talented" and "I think you could be successful someday" and "wow, that piece is real neat" are... "support". That simply putting in those minimum possible effort gestures is equivalent to being a supportive person. And I will tell you this straight up, 100% - doing that is a substitute for supporting people. It is done so that you are not expected to be supportive in other ways, because you've "already been supportive". And it can doom creatives. I speak from experience. It fucks up your... expectations of what support actually is, your gauge and definition of what support you can expect from others. So... say you're like me and you rolled nat 1's on the Friends and Family checks in the D&D game of Life. If that's all you've ever known, you look at the road ahead of you... all the things you need to do... all the things that are impossible for you to do yourself... like review your shit, or recommend it to others, or buy your products, or commission literally anything, or hang out and watch your TV show. And you know you can't do them yourself. And you know, from what you were taught, that people in supporting roles in your life should not be expected to do these things. It turns your entire career... your future... your passion, your vision, your labor, your efforts... into a spin of a roulette wheel. You're relying entirely on the kindness of complete strangers. Who, historically, are the least likely to help.

I've probably said all this a thousand times over the past almost full year I've been doing this journal, it's because it's probably the most important message I have to send to others from what I've been through in my life. Fucking support your friends. In a practical way. Watch their YouTube videos, buy their paintings, go to their concerts, listen to their music (I mean like... put on headphones and really listen to it). Be a meaningful staple in their life, as much as you can afford, as much as is genuine. Be a fan. Don't just sit there and wait for someone else to do it. Demonstrate for others that this person's talent is worth supporting. Put your money where your mouth is.

I guess that brought up some old shit. Similar to the other night, the whole... tugging at the stitches thing. Time doesn't always heal all wounds... sometimes that broken bone heals wrong, or it leaves really sensitive scar tissue. And that's a big one for me. And it's really hard... 4 years later... to see the same people who fucked me over, screamed at me, told me I was unreasonable with my expectations and ghosted me for years at a time... still doing the same minimum effort shit. The optimist in me says "welp, it's better than nothing". And I don't really feel like giving a microphone to those other more bitter and hurt parts of me anymore tonight, so I'm just gonna say... I hope those two former friends can really take some time and work on themselves. There's good in them. There's potential in them, both of them, that has been blocked by... getting themselves very deep into responsibilities they were not prepared for. I have a long history with both of them, that goes back over a decade. I do wish them well. It just kinda sucks to be reminded of why those friendships ended, and see that they are literally the only ones who give a fuck about these pieces.

I don't know. I clearly have conflicted feelings on this.

On a lighter note, the ink piece is coming along nicely. It's taking longer than expected, but it's coming together, it will definitely be finished tomorrow.

I planned to get started with the skull today, but again I put it off. I have been putting it off because... I've been waiting for this researcher I heard on a podcast to be done writing her book. I have no idea when she's going to be done though... The book is a comprehensive historical study of magical symbols in ancient Egypt and Greece (I think), going back millennia. She is basically the world's expert in the actual archaeological research on this topic. And she's putting together a series of books that are supposed to come out this year. So... I kinda wanted that for reference. Just to have source material for this type of ritualistic practice that dates back that far.

I have been very fascinated by ritual practices lately, mostly the hybridization of different diverse spiritual practices, beliefs and narratives. How you would get spells or incantations that had like... Jesus and Horus together in them. And apparently it was really common, that the spells or rituals were catered to the specific individual's beliefs, to the point where... in spell books and manuals... there are actual placeholder letters in spots where the person who's getting the ritual done for them's name goes, and also placeholder letters for relevant deities. I'm sure you can imagine why centralized religions might... have a little bit of a problem with this melding... and find it heretical... and even lead to... some more... unseemly methods of putting a stop to it. Magic practices still have a stigma to this day because of it, super fucking ironic that the one thing that hyper-orthodox religious people and flat-out atheists can agree on is the intense multi-millennia-old disgust and ridicule of interfaith magical practices. Yay...

So... I looked up the book again today, and... still no luck. I'm tempted to donate on Patreon to get early access, but... she wants you to be a 2-month donor at something like $17/month to get early access. And... I mean, for what amounts to basically an academic textbook? That's actually a really good deal. So... maybe I should just pull the trigger on that tomorrow. Because the skull is... pretty much lined up to be my next piece. Then I can at least get the ball rolling on that step. In the meantime, I can clean it up and start some basic sketches on it.

I've been all over the place with this piece mentally because... I only get one shot at it. I have one skull. And it's the skull of a formerly living being. And there's a lot of pressure there. And this piece is... 100% improvised. For me, it's how sacred this practice is that really gets in my head. That's where the symbol research comes in. I keep getting this urge, this feeling "I want to get it right." "I get one shot, I want to get it right." And I felt the same way about the horoscope chart on my hoodie, and that was in permanent paint, BUT... this piece? This is literally carved into a deceased goat's skull. They're both permanent, but this... this feels much bigger. And... I think rightfully so. I just want to be respectful, you know?

But it puts a lot of pressure on my improvisational design work. But here's the contrasting thought that I keep trying to introduce. I have been doing improvised abstract design pieces in my new notebook for like... a week and a half now? 2 weeks? Something like that? I haven't fucked up a single one and they all look great. Because... here's the secret, please don't tell anyone... there IS NO fucking up. You CAN'T fuck up. Because it's abstract. Like... the only way you can fuck up abstract improvised art is by... planning it, and forcing it into something it doesn't want to be. Like... the only way you can really fuck up freestyle rapping... besides just being "rusty" or "inexperienced"... is by spitting written shit.

So... I've been caught in that back and forth for a bit now. The "I want to do this right", but "this is an improvised, channeled piece" paradox. And my compromise has been to... essentially... continuing with the freestyle rap analogy... learn more vocabulary. Take a little time before the design phase and learn more shapes, more rhythms, more symbols and signs and sigils. Add more proverbial paints to my palette, more crayons to my box. Then, I can fuse my abstract improvisation with intentional symbolism that dates back to the time of the pharaohs. And that fusion and aesthetic is very appealing to me right now. So... that's the plan for now. Even if it means I just leave a big blank space on the forehead for some form of sigil or glyph to be added later.

Aaaand that's all I've got for now. Not a bad note to end on.

[oldsalempost-blog]

The Old Salem Post

Our  Local Tamassee-Salem SC Area News each Monday except holidays          Contact: theoldsalempost@gmail.com                                                    Distributed to local businesses, town hall, library.                                            Volume 7 Issue 12                                                                                                  Week of March 13, 2023                https://www.tumblr.com/settings/blog/oldsalempost-blog                                                         Lynne Martin Publishing

EDITOR: I feel sure we are all guilty of being inconsiderate.  Most of us have a conscious and have that nudge to apologize when we realize we could have handled something better.  We need to remember we do not know anyone’s circumstances.  Someone might be having the worse day of their life, and might need a kind word, instead of a rude remark or a blasting of the car horn.  We need to do what the Bible teaches.   Love puts the needs of others before our own.  A lot of us say we are Christians.  If we are, our actions need to show it….all the time. ..LRMartin

TOWN OF SALEM: Community Easter Egg Hunt April 8th. Help share the true meaning of Easter.  You can help this mission by dropping of wrapped candy at the Town Hall.     SALEM LIBRARY:  Leprechaun Traps ages 5-10  Friday 17 4pm-5pm  Register through Eventbright.                                                                

Rosa Clark Health Clinic March 14, 10am-2pm.Walk-ins Welcome! —Rosa Clark is providing the opportunity for our residents of all ages to have a monthly clinic if there is a need.  Please come to the clinic on this day for healthy care, screening.  Learn how  Rosa Clark can help you. **Please share this opportunity with everyone you know.                                                          

AnMed Mobile Mammography Coach will set up at the Eagles Nest Art Center parking area on March 18, from  8:30am until the last mammogram is done.  Call for guidelines or  to schedule your appointment or need more information please phone 864-512-5400                                                                    

Jottings by Jeannie                                                                                    Jeannie's Report on Domestic Violence Conference            Jeannie Barnwell

Back in 2012-13 --  during 6 months, one woman a month looked into the a face of a man she loved, and then he murdered her.  That is why Oconee County gets bad marks for domestic violence.  Ever since those freaky days, many smart people have been working to improve our domestic tranquility.  Michael Cogdill, NBC reporter, served as keynote speaker. He was born to a lovely couple; however, his dad  frequently morphed into a violent alcoholic, and his mama was co-dependent. (That means she covered up her bruises and never dealt with the situation that held lifelong trauma for her son). The speakers at our conference on March 9, shared stunning info about bullying and family violence. o  The most deplorable Death Row Inmates reveal that during childhood they were EITHER evil bullies or their helpless victims. o  SC is the only state that will not grant a divorce based on threatened verbal violence.  -- No luck getting a divorce here until you've got broken bones & bruises!  o SC has many more ANIMAL SHELTERS than shelters for adults and children needing escape from domestic violence. OKAY-- this is just too depressing.  This is all the bad news I am going to tell you.   NOW- You, yes YOU must be a paragon of  civility. Don't be around others if you are acting  selfish and scary.  Miz Jeannie is counting on you to be kind, loving, happy and forgiving.  Little kids are watching YOU.  Be a sterling example of a grown up in Oconee!  Civility- "treating others as you would wish to be treated, smiling, acknowledging other human beings. DO IT!"   Much love, Miz Jeannie

Bored, Depressed, Lonely?  Walk more. Let the sun shine on your face.  Say hello to someone you meet or give an old friend a quick call. Get a pet.  If you have a pet spend extra time with your pet.  Send someone a note of encouragement.  Write down your thoughts.  Help someone in need. Sometimes you will find many people much worse than you, then you will be able to see your own blessings.  Thank God for your blessings.  But if you need help immediately the crisis or suicide lifeline is to call 988.   Seek until you find help.        

Bradford Pears– Now is a great time to cut down those blooming invasive trees that take over our native hardwoods.                                                                                           

                         ASHTON RECALLS    by Ashton Hester

Here's another interesting DAR School story. I will send it in installments over the next few weeks.                                                                                          DAR SCHOOL STUDENT FROM 1942-1946 RECALLS EXPERIENCES -(Introduction: In 2011 a local lady, Mrs. Pauline Kelley Cannon, graciously offered the Keowee Courier the opportunity to print a lengthy memoir she had written about her childhood experiences as a member of a sharecropping family in upper Oconee County and then as a resident student at Tamassee DAR School. It occurred to me that the DAR School memoir would especially be interesting to readers of The Old Salem Post, so I will send it in a series of installments during the coming weeks. Maggie, who is referred to, was Pauline's sister, and Mrs. Kirksey was a social worker who had arranged for the sisters to enter the DAR School. Sadly, Mrs. Cannon died a few years ago). . .This story covers from when I entered Tamassee DAR School in the fall of 1942, when I was 13, until I graduated in the spring of 1946 when I was 16. . .When the decision was made to enroll Maggie and me in Tamassee DAR School, Dad went to Walhalla and purchased a footlocker for us to carry our clothes in. He could not afford to buy each of us a separate one. . .Dad and Mrs. Kirksey carried us to the school. We went to Mr. Cain's office and he took us to the South Carolina building and introduced us to the house mother, Mrs. Allie Crouch. We went upstairs to a room with four beds and met our roommates, Mary Jane and Juanita Rholetter, who were from Brasstown near Westminster. Mary Jane didn't stay very long but Juanita stayed two years, and she and I became good friends. They also had a brother, Glenn, but he didn't stay very long... CONTINUED NEXT WEEK.                                          

             EAGLES NEST ART CENTER , 501c3, 4 Eagle Lane, Salem                                                                                                                                                  Treasure Shop– The Eagles Nest Treasure Store will open on Tuesday, March 14, 10am-2pm during the hours of the Rosa Clark Mobile Clinic on our premises.  Come inside to say hello or discover a treasure.  

OCONEE MOUNTAIN OPRY: March 18, 2023, 7pm-9pm.  It has been said that some of the best picking, never heard by audiences is right here, on our back porches.   Oconee Mountain Opry will present some of the best local musicians on our stage.  John Oliver, Marshall and Eli Rowland, Rachel Van Slyke, Freddie Vanderford and Brandon Turner will present a variety of  acts to keep you captivated and your belly laughing with some interspersed home-spun humor. Get your tickets on Ticketleap, the Town of Salem, or at the door.  Call 864-280-1258.  

BELLFEST 2023:  Join Friends of Jocassee for the 10th annual celebration of our native Oconee Bell at Devil’s Fork State Park. March 18 from 10am-3pm.  Park entry fees apply.  There will be Interpretive Bell Trail  walks, craft vendors, food trucks, music, kid & family activities, silent auction, and more. Visit www.friendsofjocassee.org to learn more.  

JOCASSEE VALLEY BREWING COMPANY,(JVBC) & COFFEE SHOP 13412 N Hwy 11 Open Wed-Sat 8am-9pm. Sun 12pm-7pm.  Events this week: Wed: Blue Grass Jam 6:30  St. Patty’s Fri– FOOD: Nard’s BBQ,  Music: Brown Mountain Lightn Bugs  at 6:30pm.  Sat–Music: West End String Band 6:30pm Food: Lobster Dogs   Sunday: Food:  Iron Pig Irish 12pm Music: Irish Jam at 1pm with Goers and Allen at 4pm.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Lord, Help us to love always. LRM

[writingwhimsey]

My Pirate Lord and Our Life Ch. 72

Chapter 72

“This just might be fun.” Motonari said, that wicked grin on his face. Already imagining payback.

The two men standing in front of him gulped as they looked around the room. They were clearly intimidated by being surrounded by men who could very easily kill them. “So, the story about meeting Ava in Kyoto and a whirlwind romance was obviously a lie.” Ichiro finally spoke up.

“Just left out the part where she traveled through time first.” Sasuke said.

“Who are these men?” Nobunaga asked.

“A couple o’ rats.” Motonari answered.

“Now Lord Motonari, I don’t think that is necessary.” Sasuke said, clearly trying to keep the peace.

Motonari glared at Sasuke a moment, but then turned back to the guys. “This is Ichiro and Tadashi. Former friends of Ava’s from her time.”

“I was more than just a friend.” Ichiro spoke up.

Nobunaga was giving an amused smile from his seat. “An old lover then?”

It was then that Hana started to fuss in Motonari’s arms. He turned his attention from the two men back down to his daughter. He quickly grabbed a bottle and quickly popped it in her mouth. She quickly grabbed on and started to suck it down. “There ya go, minha florzinha.”

Ichiro and Tadashi’s eyes widened once they realized that Motonari was holding a baby. “Wh-what?” Ichiro asked.

Ava…

I woke up after I wasn’t sure how long. I stretched, still feeling sore and stiff. While I appreciated getting to take the extra nap, I was missing my baby and my husband. I pushed myself up from the futon. I opened the door and poked my head out, looking for a maid and I found Hiroyoshi and a few other vassals outside the room.

“Did you need something, Lady Mouri?” Hiroyoshi asked.

“I…I was just looking for one of the maids.” I answered. “I’d like to take a bath.”

Hiroyoshi smiled. “Of course, I’ll get everything ready for you, my lady.” He told me.

“Thank you.” I said.

“Of course.” He replied.

“Is Motonari still in council with the Oda?” I asked.

“Yes, my lady.” He answered.

I nodded. “He still seemed okay with Hana?”

Hiroyoshi smiled. “Yes, Lord Motonari is just fine. He seemed rather happy to be holding her.”

I smiled. It still amazed me how well Motonari was taking to fatherhood. Granted I believed in him, but I also knew he still had his trauma. 

“You are both so good for him.” Hiroyoshi said, smiling fondly.

“As are you.” I replied. I was glad that Motonari had had him even before he had me. I think that man was the reason Motonari hadn’t completely lost his heart in the first place. If he hadn’t been around I might not have been able to help him get it back.

Hiroyoshi gave me a fond smile. “I have only ever done what any good vassal would.”

We shared another smile and I was returning to my room to gather my things. Hiroyoshi was knocking on the door and letting me know when my bath was ready. I was soon relaxing back in the tub, letting the warm water surround me.

While I was relaxing, I heard a knock on the door. “Who is it?” I called.

“It’s us.” Kimi called from the other side.

The door was then sliding open and all three of them were walking in. “We thought we’d come and pamper you again.” Asuna said.

“You guys don’t have to do that.” I said, smiling.

“Ava, you just had a baby. Let us help you.” Kimi replied.

“Just as long as that one promises not to touch me.” I said, pointing to Misa.

Misa held up her hands as if in surrender. “I swear I won’t. And if I do, I’m pretty sure Kimi will smack me.”

“Well, it has been four days.” Kimi replied. “If we were back in the future, she would have already been discharged from the hospital.”

“I know. I know.” Misa replied. “It’s just…you know we are five hundred years from that kind of medicine and I just wanna be sure nothing is wrong.”

“No, you just wanna hide from Nobunaga.” I told her.

“Yeah, every time he tries to talk to you, you run from the room saying you have to check on Ava.” Kimi agreed.

“Well…that’s just a coincidence.” Misa replied, stubbornly crossing her arms over her chest.

“Uh-huh.” The rest of us were saying in unison.

Misa glared at us. “Come on, let’s just focus on pampering Ava who had a very exciting day just four days ago.”

“Let’s just leave her alone…for now.” I said.

After that, they were helping me and then I was getting dressed. When we exited, I was missing my family…and also had a feeling that maybe Hana might be getting hungry and the bottles might be empty. Kimi was kind of wanting to see Masamune. So, we were all heading for the council room.

When we walked in I was greeted by one hell of a surprise. I looked over at my friends. “You see them, too? I’m not having a sleep deprivation hallucination?” I asked.

“We���re all in the nightmare.” Misa assured me.

“You say nightmare, I say a great show.” Asuna replied.

“Ah, there is our goddess.”

I looked up surprised to see Shingen and Sasuke had returned. Shingen looked like the picture of health. “Hey there, Ava.” Sasuke greeted.

“When did you guys get back…and did they come with you…and why?” I asked.

“Just a few days ago.” Sasuke answered. “And..well we didn’t intend for them to come along with us.”

“Ava, it’s good to see you…” Ichiro spoke.

I glared at him. “Cut the bull.” I said, walking past them to go sit beside Motonari and Hana.

Motonari was wrapping his arm around me as soon as I sat beside him, kissing the top of my head. “Ya missed us?” He asked, teasingly.

“Well, duh.” I replied, leaning into him and reaching for Hana.

Motonari passed her to me, still keeping his arm around my shoulders. “You know she’s been just fine.” He assured me.

“I know.” I replied.

“So…you…you had a baby with…him?” Tadashi asked.

“You two are a little slow on the uptake there, aren’t you?” Masamune asked.

“Ava was pregnant the last time you guys saw her.” Misa said.

“I’m just glad there’s other people here who might finally be able to help Ava see reason.” Hideyoshi said. “Anyone would be better than Motonari.”

“Yer still on that crap.” Motonari said, looking grumpily at Hideyoshi.

“He does seem to be rather violent.” Tadashi agreed.

“Yeah…that reaction…” Ichiro said.

“None of us here are strangers to violence.” Mitsuhide said. 

“They are warlords for a reason.” Sasuke said.

“I’m pretty sure I already made the decision of who I want to spend my life with.” I said.

“But this guy seems like a rather good guy.” Hideyoshi said, pointing to Ichiro. “And sometimes an old flame can be reignited.”

“He cheated on me.” I said, feeling too tired to be anything other than blunt.

Hideyoshi looked taken aback. “You’re a disgusting bastard for doing that to my little sister.” 

“You…you wanted others when you had this goddess?” Shingen asked. “What is wrong with you?”

“You would think you had a need for others when you had my lucky charm?” Nobunaga asked, his carnelian gaze staring holes into Ichiro.

“Well, this is a fascinating turn of events.” Mitsuhide said, an amused smile on his face.

“You two startin’ ta regret yer decision to follow Sasuke and Shingen yet?” Motonari asked, grinning.

“I…uh…” Ichiro said, visibly sweating.

“I never cheated on Ava.” Tadashi pointed out.

“Because she never dated you.” Asuna said, wanting to stir the pot a bit.

“Not for a lack of Tadashi trying.” Kimi said with a giggle.

“I am bored of this. Can I just kill them?” Kenshin asked, glaring in an impassive manner at the two men. “And then Shingen, you and I will fight to the death.”

I let out a sigh. “How about we don’t kill anyone?” I said.

Motonari gently nudged my head with his nose. “Don’t act like yer not enjoyin’ this, at least a little bit.” He teased me, wearing a warm smile as he looked at me.

“Maybe a little.” I replied, smiling back at him. “But I’m also tired.”

“I don’t care too much about these two,” Shingen said to Kenshin, “but I would rather not fight to the death. I intend to enjoy life to the fullest now…and there are two new goddesses for me to meet as well.” He added this last part eyeing my friends.

“Pretty sure these two have something going on with someone else already, but I’m still currently unattached.” Asuna said, giving Shingen a flirty smile.

“My castle becomin’ everyone’s love shack or what?” Motonari asked with a sigh and a shake of his head. He then looked at me, a playful glare on his face. “I blame you, flower girl.”

“I’ll take the blame for making this castle a happier place.” I replied, smiling at him.

He returned my smile and gently ruffled my hair as he placed a light kiss on my forehead.

“Look, we definitely shouldn’t kill them.” Sasuke spoke up. “To be responsible, we should help them until they can return to the future.”

“That would be the right thing to do.” I agreed with a sigh.

“They should go with you to Echigo.” Misa said. “I mean, they piggy-backed with you guys here. That should make them your responsibility.”

“Oh, but they came because they were looking for Ava.” Asuna said. “So, that would make them Ava’s responsibility.”

I shot Asuna a glare. “You’re just saying that because you want to see some drama.”

“What? There’s no TV here. I gotta get my entertainment from somewhere.” Asuna said with a laugh.

“Ava just had a baby and I think the castle is already getting crowded.” Kimi said.

“At least two of you make some damn sense.” Motonari said.

“Ava, I hate to ask you this…but did you like…I don’t know hit your head or something when you fell through time and decided to stay here?” Tadashi asked, his tone almost polite.

“Nope.” I replied, not even having the energy to really glare at him. I continued to hold Hana close and lean against Motonari.

“Are you just going to ignore the fact that they’ve mentioned killing is?” Ichiro asked.

“Well…yeah. If I don’t mention it, they might forget.”Tadashi remarked.

“Idiots.” Ieyasu muttered.

“Indeed.” Nobunaga agreed. “Ava, what did you ever see in this one?”

“I was young and stupid.” I answered.

“Hey…” Ichiro began to protest.

“Quiet, you.” Nobunaga commanded Ichiro. “You have no room to talk as we discuss what to do with you.”

“Wait…what? We get a say in that.” Tadashi tried to protest.

“Do you even know who you’re talking to right now?” Hideyoshi asked.

“Why should it matter?” Tadashi asked.

“Because that’s Nobunaga Oda.” Misa answered.

Tadashi and Ichiro’s faces both went white as ghosts. “You mean…he who kills the bird that does not sing?” Tadashi asked.

Nobunaga smirked. “Is that how they remember me five hundred years from now? Interesting.”

“Could give ‘em to the kitsune…” Motonari said, a devilish grin on his face. “Or put ‘em ta work on my crew…”

Ichiro and Tadashi both looked scared. I knew Motonari was just joking, having some fun with them…or at least I hope he was. “Come on, be serious.” I said, giving him a look. 

“What? It’s the least I could do after the welcome they gave me to your world.” Motonari replied.

“Be the bigger man.” I told him.

“Just havin’ a little fun.” Motonari replied, frowning. “Don’tcha trust me?”

“More than anyone.” I replied, kissing his cheek.

“I think they should come with us.” Hideyoshi said, after a moment. “We took Ava in when she arrived here…besides I think I need to have a talk with Ichiro.”

“Why do I feel like we have no good options here?” Tadashi asked.

“You might be able to get out of any and all of this alive. I’M the one that they all want to kill.” Ichiro answered.

“Okay, come on guys.” Misa spoke up. “I think you’ve all scared them enough…even if I am enjoying watching Ichiro squirm…we really should help them out until it’s time to go back.”

“Since they followed Lord Shingen and I, I do think we should help them.” Sasuke said.

“It is the right thing to do.” Shingen agreed. “Even if this one is clearly an imbecile. Perhaps I can teach him how to properly treat an amazing goddess. How to please a woman.”

“Well, at least there will be someone else you can traumatize with your nonsense.” Yukimura said with a sigh.

“I don’t need any lessons.” Ichiro said. “Yes I fucked up, but I do know how to please a woman.”

“For any future woman dumb enough to date you, yes you do need lessons.” I spoke up before I could even think to stop myself.

Ichiro looked up at me, his eyes wide. “What? But…you always…”

“She faked it.” Misa, Asuna, and Kimi all spoke up in unison.

“Yeah, well maybe she’s just hard to please.” Ichiro replied.

“Ain’t that hard.” Motonari said matter-of-factly.

“My room was next to theirs in the apartment, she’s definitely not faking it now.” Misa remarked.

Ichiro looked abashed and Tadashi was trying not to laugh. There was a bit more discussion before everyone finally agreed that they would return to Echigo with the Uesugi-Takeda forces. They would all be leaving in a couple of days, so in the meantime, Motonari gave them a room to stay in…on the other side of the castle…under guard.

The council was soon beginning to disburse, Nobunaga approaching Misa. “Misa…”

“I just remembered something I needed to do.” Misa said, jumping up and running from the room.

Asuna, Kimi, and I all looked at each other. “We’re going to have to interfere, aren’t we?” I asked.

“I think so.” Kimi agreed.

“How do you plan on doing that?” Nobunaga asked.

“I think the only thing that will work at this point is locking the two of you in a room together.” Kimi said.

“Probably.” Asuna agreed.

“Just make sure it’s a room far enough from ours.” Motonari said.

“Locking Lord Nobunaga up…I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” Hideyoshi said, clearly concerned.

“We’ll give him the key to get out.” I said.

“Why are you all wanting to even do this?” Mitsuhide asked. “And how would you plan on getting her in the room in the first place?”

“I’ve not seen Misa get this way in a long time.” I answered. “I think it could be good for her.”

Kimi and Asuna were nodding. “We all know why she is this way.” Kimi said. “And…well maybe it’s time to help her move on.”

“What are you talking about?” Nobunaga asked.

“Not our story to tell, but we’ll get Misa to tell you.” I said. “Don’t worry we’ll be your wingmen here.”

“Wingmen?” Nobunaga asked.

“Your backup if you will.” Asuna explained. 

We were quickly devising our plan before getting ready to put it into action. It was time Misa moved on and let her wounds heal and admit to herself that there was something she wanted in life. Someone she wanted.

[reverse-moon]

I made a new au.

Wanna make it 100% clear: this whole thing is technically fueled by horny brain power. There will be NSFW topics in this. Proceed with Caution.

Okay, with that outta the way — the trigger warnings!

⚠️Cultist's, sacrifices, technical non-con (technical in the sense that for a while the Dom's forgot to ask if it was okay until like halfway through because they're horn-dogs), religious trauma, family trauma, a lot of violence⚠️

And now, the idea:

Celestial AU.

Character Overviews:

Remus — god of Family and monsters (he's more protective over familial bonds than his twin brother and Patton isn't a god or half-god)

Janus — god of protection, serpents and also thieves

Virgil — god of the dead, dying and mentally lost

Roman — god of the arts, ideas and motivation

Logan — half-god of scholars and knowledge

Patton — eventual half-god of fertility and orphans

Emile — half-god of emotions and generosity

Remy — god of sleep, dreams and caffeine

Notes on the difference between half-gods and gods: half-gods are gods who used to be human. They don't have to die before gaining godhood, however most half-gods did get favoured to be sacrifices to the gods or die for a god. It's rare that the gods will give a normal, regular and happy human godhood, but it isn't unheard of. Usually the normal human has still affected their surroundings enough to catch the attention.

Hit read more for like... The triggering shit.

---

---

About the characters:

Remus and Roman are the oldest gods, besides Virgil. They are younger than Virgil, however its not by much.

Janus and Remy are the youngest gods, but don't tell them that to their face, you'll die.

Emile is the oldest half-god, and he also was a lucky human in that he wasn't lined up for sacrifice or sacrificed. Dude just made a lot of people happy and helped others out a lot. He was an unlucky human in the fact that his mother was constantly ill and his father had been killed in a war.

When Emile's mother died of sickness, Virgil and Janus granted him his godhood as a blessing and apology for being unable to help him.

Logan died as a sacrifice for Roman.

Roman was pissed at this, because hot guy got killed in his temple and they called him a sacrifice.

Roman actually brought Virgil Logan's body to give Logan back his life, but apparently the laws of nature said Logan couldn't just be resurrected as a human. So they gave him godhood.

Logan also ended up dating both Virgil and Roman. The three eventually got married.

Remus and Janus were friends for a long time, then fell in love, then got married.

They also were stupid and made a spell for humans to summon them, thinking only humans who needed protection or help with family would summon them.

That backfired and they can't just go to earth to destroy the spell. Virgil won't let them make humans extinct, so they're slowly but surely killing off any human who knows the spell unless they use it for the right reason.

Also, bonus: humans have started messing with the spell enough that it's not a technical summon, but more of a "we ask thee to come grace us". Downfall, lots more death and sacrifice.

Patton was gonna be killed, but Remus and Janus came before the spell was done so he was saved. Yay!

Remus and Janus killed the whole cult Patton belonged to (Remus going extra on his parents)

Patton parents were homophobic so they said "sacrifice our virgin son"

Janus and Remus both said "piss off" to that cult.

Remy and Emile are more just best friends with benefits? I mean, yeah, if you ask them what that means, it sounds like their dating, but they haven't made it official so-

Cuddles. Literally everyone gets cuddles.

Emile has on more than one occasion reminded Janus and Remus to fucking get consent to fuck Patton.

In the defense of Janus and Remus, they have known each other long enough that they basically had a 24/7 consent agreement. And it's been like that for over 300 years- it's a hard thing to relearn as a god!

But, in Patton's defense- He literally owes his life to Remus and Janus, he'd do anything they asked with little questions or complaining (even if it meant getting blood his hands or worse). He literally felt like he couldn't say no while he was still human because how do you fucking repay a god for saving your life?!

And that's all I have this sat I'm my drafts forever have a nice day add what you need.

[becomewings]

BTS Universe Timeline

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TIMELINE GUIDE

Content warning: contains references to death, suicide, suicidal ideation, child abuse, domestic violence, blood, homicide, depression, trauma, PTSD

This guide contains major spoilers from all BU media

Revisions and additions will be made as necessary, so please visit the original post for the most up-to-date version (update log is included at bottom of post)

All names are provided as fully as known

Bracketed dates are inferred or calculated from references in the text

While the timeline is presented here as objectively as possible, I acknowledge that there is a level of subjectivity in choosing which information is significant enough for inclusion and in certain connections drawn between entries

Please inform me of any suspected errors; I will investigate and correct them

Do not repost, copy, or quote without permission

School Years: Together & Apart

    - March Year 19 through 10 April Year 22 -

2 March Year 19 Notes 1 (SJ)

Ten days after returning from the U.S., SeokJin and his father visit the principal’s office at his new school. SeokJin learns that he will start one grade lower due to the different education systems. SeokJin’s father grips his shoulder while the principal explains that school is a “dangerous place” that needs to be “tightly controlled.” He asks: “You know you have to keep me informed, right? You’ll be a good student, right?” SeokJin squeezes out a “yes” and his father lets go. Both ChangJun and the principal laugh. SeokJin looks down at their shining shoes, wondering from where the light is coming.

Note: SeokJin’s 25 June Year 19 entry in Notes 1 specifies that his father attended the same high school. JiMin’s 23 July Year 22 entry in Notes 2 reveals that, according to a comment he finds on an online news article, ChangJun and the principal were in school at the same time and fought with each other “as if it would only end when one of them dropped dead,” but they appeared to get along later due to politics.

3 March Year 19 BTS Universe Story: The Boy on the Threshold, ep.1

On the first day of school at Songju Jeil High School, the Dean of Students berates the six latecomers lined up outside: SeokJin, NamJoon, HoSeok, JiMin, TaeHyung, and JungKook. YoonGi arrives even later. The Dean assigns them one month of community service as punishment. When he notices SeokJin, he clears his throat and says he is letting them off because it’s the first day: they must all assemble after classes to clean the annex, a classroom turned into a storage room. This room becomes their meeting place and hideout even after their punishment is finished.

Note: Their punishment for being late is referenced in JiMin’s 12 March Year 19 entry in Notes 1, when he escapes to the old classroom again and finds the others already there. He observes that it feels as though they’ve been “hanging out together forever.” The punishment scene is also similar to a moment in the BTS Begins Middle Scene VCR. Although it includes a few extra students and cannot be confirmed as BU content, it does mirror the canonical detail of YoonGi arriving last.

28 May Year 19 Notes: Answer

In the classroom hideout, JungKook asks everyone what their dreams are because he has to write a paper about future hopes. SeokJin wants to become a good person, and YoonGi says it’s okay to have no dream. TaeHyung poses on a chair and says he’s going to be a superhero. HoSeok scolds him and adds that he wants to find his mom and live happily. JiMin asks him if he is unhappy now, and HoSeok pulls an exaggeratedly worried expression. “Is that how it works?” JiMin is flustered when HoSeok asks what his dream is and remembers that when he was in preschool he wanted to be president, but didn’t know what he wanted after that. Everyone looks at NamJoon, who shrugs and confesses that while he wants to say something nice, he doesn’t have a dream either and just wishes that his part-time job pays more. JungKook looks down at his assignment, divided into sections for “student” and “parent,” and wonders what he hopes to become. He can’t think of anything to write.

12 June Year 19 — The Sea Notes 1

YoonGi’s entry:

All seven boys cut school and decide to go to the sea. They have little money between them, so they must walk to the train station. As they leave, YoonGi almost bumps into JiMin and realizes that he is standing frozen with a trembling face. JiMin stares at a sign that reads “2.1km to Grass Flower Arboretum.” YoonGi flatly tells him that it’s too hot to go to the arboretum. He has an “instinctive feeling” that they should avoid it. He observes that JiMin walks away like a little kid, head bent and shoulders hunched.

JungKook’s entry:

The boys arrive at the beach. They hang around under a torn parasol until HoSeok holds up a discovery on his phone: a large rock that is supposed to grant your dream if you stand atop it and shout your dream out to the sea. TaeHyung encourages them to go. While they grumble in the heat on the long trek, JungKook reflects on how he had recently asked the others what their dreams were. (See 28 May Year 19.) None of them really have a dream to pursue.

YoonGi tells JungKook to stop biting his nails or else they’ll become like his. Then he asks JungKook what his dream is. Having never thought about it, JungKook doesn’t know. He hesitates and then asks what a dream is. HoSeok rattles off a few definitions from his phone. YoonGi questions, “How can something that you want to achieve most in your life and something that is unlikely to come true both be called a dream? … Don’t ever try to have a dream.” JungKook asks why. At his glance, YoonGi stops biting his nails and puts his hands in his pockets. “Because it’s tough having one.” JungKook is curious about why YoonGi bites his nails but doesn’t ask. He recalls that it has been a habit since his childhood to hurt himself. He remembers cutting his finger on a knife badly enough that his mom took him to the hospital, but she didn’t take care of him after they went home. His wound healed slowly because he kept pressing it; the pain helped him feel awake. Even now, he sometimes feels hollow.

TaeHyung asks how much longer they have to walk. HoSeok is puzzled, saying they should be close. They gaze around the empty, pebbled beach. JiMin sighs and reads aloud from an article on his phone. A resort will be built on this beach, and the construction company blew up the rock. They notice the cordoned off construction zone. They try to reassure each other to remain positive, but they all feel the disappointment of walking all that way for nothing. JungKook notices YoonGi biting his nails again and tries to stop him, but he is interrupted by a loud drilling noise. JungKook looks past him at the sea and all that remains of the dream-granting rock, the pebbles under their feet. “Is the world tough for you, too?” he asks, but YoonGi can’t hear him. JungKook screams again. “Do you want to give up on this world, too?” HoSeok and TaeHyung laugh at their mimed conversation. They all look out to the sea and shout their dreams. The drilling is so loud that they can’t hear each other. JungKook cannot even hear his own dream. When the noise stops, they cut off abruptly and laugh. SeokJin suggests that they take a photo. He sets the timer and runs to join their row, the sea behind them. They walk back to the train station. JungKook asks if he can keep the photo. SeokJin writes “June 12” on the back and gives it to him, telling him that his dream will come true. JungKook asks if SeokJin knows what he shouted to the sea, and SeokJin merely taps his shoulder and strides ahead.

BTS Universe Story : The Boy on the Threshold, ep.3

JungKook’s memory of the beach trip follows a similar structure to the scene in Notes 1, plus a notable addition. After they fail to find the dream-granting boulder, JungKook climbs up on the pier railing. He thinks: “I’ve always liked walking on the edge of walls or on top of lines. Focusing on centering my gravity means that I don’t really think of anything else, and the boundary—not quite a part of either place—always felt like where I should be.” Someone grabs his arm while he precariously balances. YoonGi tells him not to do that, and JungKook assures him that he won’t fall.

“YoonGi would often grab my arm when I walked on railings. The others would look after me, too, after seeing him do that. I liked their helping hands. It felt like they were telling me that I should go to them. That this wasn’t my place. Maybe their hands were why I walked on the railings.”

25 June Year 19 Notes 1 (SJ)

Alone in the classroom hideout, SeokJin finds a plant by the window. He takes pictures with his phone but doesn’t think they capture what the human eye sees. He notices that “HoSeok’s plant” is scribbled on the floor beneath the pot and then realizes that the window sills, walls, and ceiling are covered with graffiti and drawings, messages left behind by the students who once passed through that room. He wonders if there were past teachers who used violence and endless tests or students like him who ratted out their friends to the principal. Since his father also attended that high school, SeokJin looks for his name on the walls and finds it with a phrase written underneath: “Everything started from here.”

Note: TaeHyung, JiMin, NamJoon, and YoonGi discover several other familiar names near Kim ChangJun (SeokJin’s father) on the classroom wall in TaeHyung’s 23 July Year 22 entry from 7’s album Notes and the extended version in Notes 2.

30 August Year 19 Notes: Her

JiMin plays in HoSeok’s shadow while he is on the phone, reflecting on how HoSeok has accompanied him on the two-hour walk home since the beginning of the school semester. JiMin eventually realized that HoSeok didn’t live in the same direction but never questioned him, simply hoping that their time walking together would stretch the day out a little longer. HoSeok finishes on the phone and chases after him while the cicadas sing and their ice creams melt. Suddenly, JiMin is afraid, wondering how many of these days are left.

20 March Year 20 Notes 1 (TH)

TaeHyung sneaks up on NamJoon in the hallway by their classroom hideout. He stops when he hears SeokJin’s voice inside, apparently informing the principal about how TaeHyung and YoonGi had ditched school and got in a fight over the past few days. SeokJin throws open the door, phone in hand, and looks flustered to see NamJoon standing there. TaeHyung hides in a corner and is shocked to hear NamJoon assure him, “It’s OK. There must’ve been a good reason.” HoSeok and JiMin find TaeHyung in the hallway, and HoSeok pulls him into the classroom. NamJoon beams at TaeHyung as though nothing strange has happened. Believing that NamJoon “must have his reasons” because he is more intelligent and mature, TaeHyung decides not to tell anyone about the conversation he overheard.

15 May Year 20 Notes 1 (NJ)

NamJoon visits the classroom hideout on his last day of school. Two weeks prior, his family decided that they needed to move due to complications with his father’s health and their overdue rent. NamJoon tries to write a message on a piece of paper. He scribbles “I must survive” before the pencil lead snaps. He crumples the paper and writes in the dust on the window instead.

“No farewell message would be enough to let the others know how I felt. At the same time, no farewell message was needed to make myself understood. ‘See you again.’ It was a wish, rather than a promise.”

Note: “I must survive” is a recurring message tied to NamJoon in the BU MVs. See also 17 December Year 21.

7 June Year 20 Notes: Persona

TaeHyung’s two month old puppy Dubu slips out of the leash and disappears while he is distracted on his phone. TaeHyung runs around the neighborhood looking for him, first angry at the puppy and then blaming himself. When Dubu returns on his own, TaeHyung is filled with the unfamiliar feeling that he is someone who can be relied on.

11 June Year 20 BTS Universe Story: The Boy on the Threshold, ep.5 Everyone’s Place

In the classroom hideout, JungKook listens to YoonGi playing the piano. The sound of the music makes him feel as if YoonGi understands how he feels and is trying to console him. The Dean of Students forces the door open, demanding why they are there. He berates and slaps JungKook, knocking him to the floor. YoonGi steps between them and shoves the teacher’s shoulder. The dean warns him that he had better be prepared for the consequences of putting his hands on a teacher and then leaves. Despite his throbbing cheek, JungKook smiles because it is the first time someone has protected him, and the feeling of getting closer to YoonGi makes him giddy. For the next two weeks, YoonGi does not come to school.

25 June Year 20 Notes 1

JungKook’s entry:

JungKook tries to play the piano in the classroom hideout, unable to make it sound like YoonGi did. He reflects on the rumor that YoonGi was expelled after the events of 11 June and wonders if YoonGi would still be here playing the piano if JungKook had not been there that day when the teacher appeared.

YoonGi’s entry:

Breathing hard, YoonGi arrives at his bedroom, removes a half-burned piano key from an envelope in his desk drawer, and throws it into the trash can. He remembers a day four years ago when he returned to their burned down home and found a skeleton of the piano where his mother’s room used to stand. He noticed several piano keys on the ground and took one of them, wondering what note it was and how many times her fingers touched it. In the present, YoonGi thinks how unbearable living under his father’s rule is and recalls what happened that day: he is officially expelled from school. He picks up the piano key again and hurls it out the window.

“I couldn’t hear the piano key hit the ground. Now I’d never know what note it made. It’d never make a sound again. I’d never play the piano again.”

17 July Year 20 Notes 1 (SJ)

At the end of the last school day before summer vacation, SeokJin tries to leave quickly but is hailed by HoSeok and JiMin. No one knows that he was pressured by the principal and revealed their hideout, which led to JungKook and YoonGi being discovered (11 June) and the latter’s expulsion (25 June). HoSeok wishes SeokJin a good vacation and to keep in touch, but he can’t reply.

“My first day at this school crossed my mind as I passed through the school gate. We were all late and got punished. But we were together, so we could laugh together. I had ruined all those memories we shared.”

Note: Variations of the sentiment “we can laugh when we’re together” recur throughout BU.

15 September Year 20 Notes 1 (HS)

In the hospital emergency room, HoSeok wants to explain how JiMin had a seizure at the bus stop to his mother, Sim SeonMi. When the doctors wheel JiMin’s bed out, HoSeok begins to follow until SeonMi thanks him and touches his shoulder. He feels like she has drawn a line between them that he cannot cross. He falls to the floor, and when he looks up, JiMin’s bed is gone.

Note: The name of JiMin’s mother is specified in his BTS Universe Story arc, Stopped Time. JiMin’s 11 May Year 22 entry in Notes 1 reflects that he blacked out at the bus stop after seeing the window of the Grass Flower Arboretum shuttle bus open. His 12 August Year 22 entry in Notes 2 reveals the real cause of JiMin’s seizure at the bus stop: he sees the boy that he left behind at the arboretum warehouse on 6 April Year 11. Though the boy’s empty eyes no longer speak to JiMin, this chance encounter awakens his memories of that day.

28 September Year 20 Notes: Her and Smeraldo Books Twitter

JiMin, heavily medicated, has lost track of how long he has been back in the hospital. But he considers this a special day because he lies to the doctor for the first time about not remembering anything.

Note: He is lying about not remembering what triggered his seizure at the bus stop on 15 September and/or what happened at the Grass Flower Arboretum when he was a kid (see Notes 2 comments above). This lie is also referenced in his 11 May Year 22 entry in Notes 1.

30 September Year 20 Notes 1 (JK)

A teacher hits JungKook with an attendance book when he refuses to admit that he still visits the classroom hideout, reminding him of when YoonGi was beaten. Later, JungKook stands outside the room and imagines that the others are waiting for him on the other side. He opens the door to only find HoSeok, clearing out what remains of their belongings. HoSeok walks him out, and JungKook realizes that those days are gone and will never come again.

25 February Year 21 Notes: Her (HS)

HoSeok watches himself dance in the mirror. He has danced since he was around twelve and discovered an ecstasy that came from inside himself. Outside of the mirror, HoSeok is a person who collapses everywhere and takes medicine he doesn’t need, who smiles even when he hates it and isn’t happy. But when he dances, he truly becomes himself, casting away all that weighs him down and feeling that he can become happy.

2 May Year 21 Notes: Persona (JK)

Biking along the Yangjicheon riverbank, JungKook thinks about how his friends left him one by one and that no one at home or in the world smiles at him anymore. He stops in the shadows under a bridge. Nobody comes to this kind of ruined place, and maybe that is the reason no one comes to him either. He feels most comfortable alone in the complete darkness where no one will look for him and wants the moment to never end.

9 August Year 21 Notes: Persona (SJ)

SeokJin walks along a Los Angeles beach and photographs the ocean. It has been a year since he fled Songju and moved to his mother’s family’s home, where he grew up as a child. He doesn’t photograph people anymore and didn’t bring any photos from high school with him, afraid to remember who he was at that time or to wonder about how his friends are doing and whether they still think of him.

17 December Year 21 Notes 1 (NJ)

This lengthy entry details events that transpired since the autumn of Year 20 when NamJoon’s family moved to the village, framed by moments on 17 December itself as NamJoon leaves on his own. His family chooses this village because it has a nearby hospital for his ailing father and employers who will hire someone without a high school diploma. NamJoon serves as a delivery boy for an eatery, competing for work with the other local boys. They grow a strange sense of solidarity, and he privately dubs one of them “TaeHyung,” even though the boy’s discontent, outward behavior is more akin to YoonGi’s. (Quotation marks added to the name here for clarity.) Competition slackens when snow falls in winter. NamJoon and “TaeHyung” are the only ones poor enough to risk the road up to the mountain town’s rest area when orders are phoned to the village below. On an afternoon forecast to have heavy snowfall, the restaurant owner dismisses “TaeHyung” due to his bruised face and gives the deliveries to NamJoon. The old delivery scooter fishtails on NamJoon’s third trip down the mountain, throwing him off. More anxious about the scratched scooter than his cut ankle and aching body, NamJoon finally gets it to restart and returns to the eatery. “TaeHyung,” who has been hanging around this whole time, approaches and asks for a favor. Before he can answer, NamJoon receives a call from his mother relaying that his father went outside alone and fell, requiring a trip to the hospital. NamJoon understands that his father was only trying to keep his dignity but is still frustrated because he can’t earn any more much-needed money this day. He hands “TaeHyung” the keys and leaves to take his father to the hospital.

The next day, NamJoon learns that “TaeHyung” was in a fatal accident during one of the deliveries up the mountain. The police officer blames him for being a poor driver and not wearing a helmet. NamJoon does not speak up that he has never seen the helmet the owner now has placed out on the counter. He visits the scene of the accident, thinking that the white outline on the road could be his if he was the one to make the next delivery—just as it could be his family mourning in the village instead of “TaeHyung’s” mother. On a later trip carrying his father home from the bus stop, NamJoon pretends not to hear his father’s frail voice over the noise of barking dogs. A week after that, NamJoon is making steady deliveries up the mountain. During what is ultimately his last delivery, he speaks with a stranger at the rest area, who cautions him to take care. “Do you know what’s really dangerous? Calcium chloride and wet leaves, not the snow itself,” the stranger blurts as NamJoon departs. NamJoon drives carefully back, not looking at the scene of the accident. This is not out of safety, as he tries to convince himself, but guilt: guilt for surviving, for his relief of being the one alive, for not defending “TaeHyung’s” driving skills. He also wonders if he is “a hypocrite pretending to have a guilty conscience.” Because he scattered wet leaves and sprinkled calcium chloride to prevent the road from icing over where he fell that afternoon, believing that he would be making the next delivery. If he did not do both those things, would “TaeHyung” be alive?

Mind and body numb, NamJoon makes it home from the delivery detached from the world around him. The barking dogs snap him out of the daze, and he remembers his father’s words that he pretended not to hear and dwelled on daily despite trying not to think about them: “Go, NamJoon. You must survive.” The next morning (17 December), NamJoon sneaks away to the bus stop. He is running away from his family’s misfortunes, from his own resignation to his fate, from poverty. The bus is scheduled to arrive in Songju in a few hours—the city he left with no notice and is returning to once more with the same. NamJoon wonders if his old friends still live there and how they are doing. On the frosted window, he writes with his finger: “I must survive.”

Note: The village boy’s real name is JongHun according to NamJoon’s 12 June Year 22 entry in Notes 2, which also reveals that he visited JongHun’s home to give his condolences before he left town.

1 February Year 22 Notes: 7 (SJ)

Summoned by his father without explanation, SeokJin flies back to Korea from Los Angeles. Although he has addresses in both LA and Songju, neither place feels like his home.

———————————————————

Update Log

Posted May 5, 2021

Do not repost.