#or given more nuance and time. especially for the romance scenes. why do they kinda feel flat. im doing a davrin romance with this rook

[beaulesbian]

how it feels playing da4 tbh

[goblinconceivable]

oh ffs, i have feels but also head exploded

So basically someone liked a story I wrote a million years ago and mostly forgotten about, and when that happens I often reread the thing.  (I can’t be the only one who does that...)  Can’t say I’ve thought about Alex/Izzie since I wrote it, couldn’t even tell you when I stopped watching the show, though I think it was before her cancer.

Anyway I infected myself with feels for them again.  And I dig the style I was using, 1+1 started a third chapter for funsies and should have stopped there.  Because I did some reading and watched some clips and it’s all too much and when that happens I meta.

Usual mishmash, structure desired but no work put into achieving it.  Classic brain dump.

Okay, fundamentals first.  I am for now ignoring how Izzie/KH left the show.  Because they had to exit her somehow and I’m sure Shonda was pissed at her, (or was leaving the door open for her return but I doubt it.)  Haven’t seen it, if I needed to I could work it into my conception of their whole arc, but since I’m more critically hung up before that point, not worrying about it.

What’s got me messed up is that RIGHT AFTER Izzie promised to not go crazy, she... went crazy.  Like, WTF was that about?  I get that GA is all about the soapy drama, that is why I stopped watching.  First couple seasons: brilliant.  Downhill from there.  But two things:

1) We never get to see these two happily together.  One hot second and bam.***  Every.  Time.  Shonda allowed it for Meredith and Derek, but in my brain other couples got it for periods of time at the least.  But these two, nope.  And know what?  THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FASCINATING TO WATCH.  I could delve into this and might swing back around but trying to hit highlights.

2) It set them on two different storylines instead of one.  And Izzie got the short stick.  Yes I can see how it works on paper, but not on screen.  There are limits to the visual medium and limits to how much screen time they were given, which pretty much destroy the ability to nuance something this complex.  

a) Izzie’s in her own world dealing with a ghost and is basically in two relationships at once (mental note to look for parallels with Alex’s exit and Jo v Izzie.)  Except one’s a dream and the other is a reality that is still developing, yet she can’t give attention to.  She has to fight every time to be there for Alex in the real world, and we don’t really get to explore her struggle.  It often just looks like distraction and distance and him being second right after she firmly laid out that she cares about him.

b) Alex is in a relationship and is super happy and excited and wants the perfection he’s dreamed about to be real so much he’s overlooking everything that’s off.  In his own little dream world I guess, but like, the whole thing skews into this being the story of Alex while Izzie is wandering in circles somewhere over in that direction, all serving the purpose of advancing exploration and development of Alex’s character.  When did KH ask to be let out?  If it was after this point, Shonda svcks.  I mean, it is cool to watch him really blossom, but since he’s doing it under his own steam I’m left with a bad taste in my mouth.  Because he’s not really in a real relationship.  I want to see him get that, I want to see it for real.

***What IS interesting, I’ll admit, is that when they’re not together, they’re beautiful.  Which is most of the time, so they gave me that.  I’m a massive fan of the bittersweet, the star crossed, the never-quite-on-the-same-page, the nuance, the “it’s a deeper connection, a deeper love than just romance.”  Thank gosh, it is time for excited thoughts.  Because there is a strong friendship and mutual reliance and helping each other grow, pushing and giving hard truths and encouragement, and yes romance is woven through this but not the genesis and used more in terms of nudging everything along the path.

I love that Alex basically imprints on Izzie.  I love that he loves her the whole time.  But he’s willing to step back.  He may get jealous and resentful and petty and scared and mean.  But those are natural human emotions, Izzie gets them too, and they’re fundamental to his character and through those things he learns and grows.  Izzie doesn’t make him.  She entices him.  Yeah, often directs him, especially at first.  But at some point he’s growing on his own, in fits and starts, in reaction to his own emotions.

For example, when Izzie tells him she slept with George, he gets pissed, but also admits why pretty readily.  And he tells her the truth, remarkably straightforwards.  He reaches out to her a lot.  And she turns him aside a lot.  And he keeps loving.  Even if romance is off the table.  He runs after her a lot.  Sits next to her when she’s upset a lot.  Is understanding a lot.  He’s different with her, and look I’m a fangirl, it’s a trope, I swallow bait line and hook.  Which should be bait hook and line if my vague understanding of fishing is correct.  I fished once, with safety implements, and still cried even as they removed the fish and popped it back into the water.  (Okay I just reread to sort out where I’d gotten too and it’s hook line and sinker.  Statistically someone will probably read this someday, you have my full permission to laugh at me.  Anyway...)

The quintessential moment, the revved to 100, of course being when Izzie is clinging to a dead Denny.  They’re all standing around.  No one even looks surprised with jilted Alex talks to her.  In a really caring way.  And this is still fairly early on, wasn’t watching anything but their scenes but this had to be rare sight eh?  (Mebbe?)  And then he picks her up and sits down holding her and she clings and cries and like symbolism and could essay that but not going to right now because the broad relevant stroke is that Alex loves Izzie selflessly.  And this is the pinpoint core of why I can buy his ending, because he can’t NOT love Izzie.  I don’t think he even wants to stop.  Though he can set it down in his heart and let her go and doesn’t pine.  But he never stops loving her and it’s so many kinds of love imperfectly yet perfecly forged.

Forged.  But also born.  Stars uncrossed.  I have emotions without words and if I try I’ll never get out of it to move on, so moving on.

(Oh, George telling Alex to talk to Izzie because she won’t talk to him about whatever it was.  Isn’t is crazy that Izzie’s emotional squishy bestie goes to the emotionally stunted bad boy to help her because...  it’s an understanding of the two-way Izzie/Alex bond, but also this crazy trust that Alex will show up.)

I love that Izzie isn’t blind to his faults, truly doesn’t like his faults, but has eternal faith for who he is and can be.  She always saw him as someone with walls, once she stumbled on a lose stone and got a glimpse inside.  She knows.  She doesn’t always understand, but she knows.

Slight divergence from that line of thought, but its a great moment when they get together and he’s fairly transparently trying to make sure they’re in a committed relationship by dangling other women in front of her, and she’s a little ticked that he seems to be taking it rudely casually.  Probably a bit of insecurity, but I’d say more that she has a long history of not reading him from the perspective of him loving her.  Ie, 100% not recognizing that telling him about sleeping with George would hurt him.  And doesn’t get it until he comes in and he’s dropped the swagger and it’s a “I know I’m doing something wrong and I don’t know how to do it right so help me” thing.  

(Random memories of Sloan/Don from The Newsroom when she’s crying on the floor and Don comes in a sits next to her.  I wuvs them too.)

I love that she openly leans on him, when he offers support she takes it.  She doesn’t ask why, she accepts it and leans into it and is open to it because she trusts him because she knows him.  The bits where she hates him tend to fall out of romantic issues, but when that’s removed from the equation they’re in sync.  And the thing is, just as caring is fundamental to Alex’s nature, trust is fundamental to Izzie’s.  And those two things weave into each other.  Kinda like rats and the food button.  When Alex reaches out Izzie she honestly accepts it, a “reward.”  So he’s comfortable doing it again, and again.  And when she does rebuff him he’s seen rewards come out enough that he doesn’t just scatter.  And when Izzie trusts him, he rewards her with gentleness and care.  She has the rougher time of it overall, because Alex is more screwed up emotionally, and breaks her trust more often than she rebuffs him, but that’s where Alex’s constant love comes in.  But I cannot recall enough critical moments to have a cohesive proof, so I could be a little off base.

In my head Alex has always loved Izzie more than Izzie loves him, but I think my memory was unfair.  There is a real constancy to Izzie’s affection, though I don’t think she imprinted on Alex as he did on her.  She’s a different person, loves differently, has different issues.  But my longstanding impression is mostly because of Denny.  Who she truly did love, though the qualities of that love deserve exploration which I will not at this time attempt. And Denny loved her.   The whole “side loves along the way” being a trope.  Though usually “it ended in death/deathlike state” is given to the man and so THANK YOU SHONDA.  Thinking of classics like Jane Eyre and Rebecca though I think both were actually crazypants first wives.  And I do think female character’s side guys have a  habit of dying, but it tends to feel more like a plot point to shut the door on continued love, whereas Denny remains a part of Izzie’s life. 

 At any rate, despite superficial similarities, Alex doesn’t hit the trope because his crazypants relationship wasn’t ever really about the woman:  yep Alex got Rebecca, and Rebecca was crazypants, and it was a plot point to get him to the crying.  Rebecca wasn’t love. It was never love.  BUT

She DID, in every way, highlight what needed to be highlighted.  1) That he desperately wants a family.  2) that caring for someone, not just about them, is fundamental to him, (and ties neatly into him caring for Izzie all those sitting on the floor conversations.) and c) it’s not entirely healthy.  Which is ALSO why thrusting his new happy relationship with Izzie into caregiver role is insensitive and undermines the relationship because it only makes sense if we got to see them both happy in the relationship first.  And then we can see the quality of his caregiving change.  But we didn’t.  So bugger it.

I do LOVE how they let almost the whole next season play out he fallout of all that.  Something taken slowly!  We got to explore it.  Did feel a bit drawn out tbh.  But it just emphasizes the weight of it, I guess.  Especially as it was a subplot amongst 100 others.  This was their development for the season.  Which was mostly Alex.  But Izzie’s reactions revealed some things about her as well.  Majorly dancing around laying it out for a close look and I don’t know why.

Favourite moment?  Maybe Izzie putting her hand on Alex’s chest when he’s freaking out and telling him to stop, he doesn’t need to say any more.  Because he’s trying to convince her of something, and she understands.  And the trying to convince is shredding him, and she knows that.  It’s a very loving and accepting “stop.”  She’d already taken charge of the situation, for the good of the patient.  She’d already taken charge because she knew Alex couldn’t handle it, he was too deep in something to see clearly.  And she’s still in charge.  She doesn’t break down and cry for him, or try to comfort him, he’s been thrown back into childhood and PTSD might literally be at play and what he needs, and she understands, is someone he can trust, who’s calm and gentle but strong and solid, to say it’s okay.  It’s going to be okay.  You don’t have to carry this on your own.  We have it now.  Because when we’re little and in over our heads what we want and what we need is an adult to take the burden.  And still the physical contact is comforting, her tone of voice reassuring.  She creates a space where he can feel safe and heard.

Ugh, rewatching, and we’re watching him literally devolve.  Stages of grief ya’ll.  He’s using every tactic to try and get what he thinks he needs: being able to take care of Rebecca.  He’s in denial that anything is wrong.  He gets angry when Izzie grabs him, to the point of threatening to hit her (though it’s fighting words and not real threat, and Izzie totally knows that.)  He dives into bargaining.  She’ll be okay if he can take care of her.  He can do it.  He tries to convince her it’s true.

By the time he gets home it’s depression.  Not just Rebecca, but about his mom.  And Izzie approaches him differently.  In the hospital it was immediate and she was “in charge,” and needed to be in all facets, but at home, with the situation taken care of, she’s a friend.  An equal.  Which is what he needs right now.  His sticking point later is the crying, so I kinda wonder how he’d react just to having told her about taking care of his mom as a kid.  Right at the start he told that kid about his dad, (dad beating up his mom and him beating up his dad) while Izzie was within listening distance and didn’t seem fussed.  But it’s ultimately a story about him being manly and protecting his mom physically.  Which would be why it’s several seasons in before this crops up - waaay more intimate information.  Probably all lumped into one, with the crying as shorthand.  And mostly that his past is a fact, it’s his emotions he wants to keep private and deny.

He clearly did try to drown his emotions with sex.  I’m not sure it would have worked with a random girl because he’s way too close to crying to do much of anything.  And obviously doesn’t work with Izzie because sex is apparently emotional intimacy and I guess comfort for men moreso than women, but it plays out as a desperate attempt to get comfort in a safer way.  Bargaining again, I suppose.  “Have sex and will be fine tomorrow.”  But, as noted, he doesn’t get that far because it’s too heavy and he rather quickly is just sobbing.

Which is a lovely parallel to holding Izzie while she cried on him after Denny died.  Though Izzie had no qualms and no massive emotional recoil because emotions and vulnerability are normalized for females Izzie is a particularly emotional person.  And an inverse of all the times Izzie is an emotional wreck and Alex sits down besides her and offers her support and understanding.

Could also argue that Izzie just saying “I’m sorry... About Rebecca.  And your mom” - it’s an emotionally intimate moment.  Of understanding.  She’s acknowledging the two situations, and isn’t trying to do anything about them, explain or push or anything else.  Just make him feel understood and not alone and sex is the way he can respond to that.  How to process that in a way that feels manly to him?  Also notably Izzie does seem to be going with it, and it’s aborted because he starts sobbing.  And is still saying “Please” which is amazing, because he totally was never asking Izzie to just sleep with him.  He wants to make it stop - the pain, emotions, probably reliving memories.  But also... stages of grief.  He needs to feel it, so he can accept it.  He really just needs to cry, and grieve, and not be alone.

And it’s like... this is where their love story feels epic because it would look so different if they didn’t have all the levels and layers of love.  Take out the romantic/sexual aspect.  Take out the friendship.  The trust.  The family.  Take out anything and this can’t play out.

Who didn’t love moments like Alex explaining to Bernedette Peters that men sometimes need to protect their manliness in the eyes of the woman they love.  And they’ll do shit things to protect that manliness, but it’s because they care.  Which is obviously idiotic and while romantic on screen is very much not so in real life, but this is fiction so hey ho.  It’s such a wonderful foil.  Because the situation here was not that Alex took his pain elsewhere to protect Izzie’s opinion, but that Alex completely and for a long time shut Izzie out to protect his manliness, which is entirely counterproductive but the only option he could see.  He minimizes his experience as a “bad night.”  (I mean, if you remove all the adjectives, he’s not wrong.) He’s protecting his own sense of manliness to himself.  He doesn’t like feeling that vulnerable.  He let Izzie get too close.  He’s afraid.  It’s all a tangle.  And it pays off when they come back together and he’s willing to be more vulnerable, almost, and then enthusiastically, happy to be.

*But it does reference when he slept with Olivia when he failed his boards.  So yeah, he’s done it literally too.

Backing up a step to revisit season 5.  And actually they start out close.  They’re all out in the cold waiting to greet patients and Alex grabs a blanket for her.  He’s not irritated that Izzie keeps asking how he’s doing, just obviously in a bit of personal denial.  And they’re totally messing around and lighthearted and look at each other with their heads really close and it begs some questions about the interim, though I guess they just haven’t talked about it deeper than “are you okay.”  And per the Izzie/Meredith convo I guess they didn’t continue having sex (probably didn’t have sex that night either).  Though the way Izzie looks at him as he leaves, she’s totally concerned that he’s not dealing with it.

Ah yes, forgot - so they just kept his breakdown unremarked upon, the superficial checking in is situational because Rebecca is a fact.  They don’t talk about it, it’s fine.  Pretending it did not happen.  But it’s as soon as Alex thinks Izzie told Meredith about it that it goes pear shaped.  It’s funny that his issue is the crying and he’s the one that told Meredith, but thematically Izzie saying “he’s opening up to me” is sorta the same.  Also awww that even as she labels them friends, there’s this little glow inside her that they got closer.  Emotional intimacy, what’s life without it eh?

So also 100% it’s high on Alex’s mind.  That he did it, and so too that Izzie could betray him and tell others.  Their relationship is so beautifully fragile in that short interim.  It’s this little bubble where he’s okay that he was vulnerable with Izzie because she accepted it and isn’t making a big deal about it.  And he does feel super close to her.  But he can’t take anyone else seeing him in a non-manly light.  For himself, and it works in terms of Izzie too if it’s an inside/outside situation.  I’m a bit stuck and going in circles.  If Izzie tells, then Izzie isn’t taking it seriously?  Doesn’t understand him?  I don’t think he’s even angry at her, if he looks weak to others then she’ll come to see him as weak?  Halp, stuck.

Also so, I’ve seen it remarked upon that Izzie tends to forgive Alex when she maybe shouldn’t.  But part of forgiveness can come from understanding the other person.  Doesn’t have to be, especially for little stuff.  But for big stuff?

Oh, and so weird but kinda cool that right after that rather self-aware conversation with Peters, he specifically lets Izzy see him with another woman.  Were those scenes meant to be inverted?  Or is he going into this eyes wide open?  Trying to prove something?  He’s hurting her though, is it intentional?  Because cheating, by nature, is secretive, your person doesn’t know so you’re not hurting them directly, though of course when they find out it blows up.  But the intention to wound is not there, it’s an escape.  Proving that he’s really fine and back to his old self?  They are not sleeping together so this isn’t cheating.

And even after that Izzy just shrugged it off.  Popped in to tell him they maybe are getting kicked out, tries to get an apartment with him.  She’s holding on to their closeness and friendship, despite him being prickly.  And then... he smacks her or whatever they were doing which is back to flirty, and not meaningful but notably guides her out of the elevator before him.  Though her barb about STD did hit him.   Maybe he was trying to figure out how to stop being rude at her, and her continued friendliness was bufffer space until he could?  He does say hello at the end, but who was she talking to about having no one?

It does bring up an interesting insight.  It is true bout not something I thought about, that Izzie could be lonely, and actually does get as much out of their relationship as Alex ever did.  They are incredibly close.  And I think George might be married at this point, and thus no longer her “person”?

And then into the cryptic speak about them, while the father/son organ musical chair thing was happening.  He’s looking over his shoulder at her, glances up, unspoken words yadda yadda.  Follows her out into the hall when she leaves.  The freeze out is shorter than I remember, but look, they kinda always keep communicating because freeze outs do not feel right.  And I’ve moved to a blow by blow but Alex is trying to talk profession, and Izzie doublespeaks the “emotionally stunted” and he physically recoils and stutters like “yeah but no, that’s not what we’re talking about” and yet is now there and talking about them too.  “Okay, ... I”m trying to be-  I am, but this” WHAT is he trying to be/is???  Trying to not be emotionally stunted.  Is emotionally stunted (or doubling down on trying?)

This is just such a beautiful conversation.  Because Izzie IS emotional and caring but she has a mean backhand.  Pettiness, ultimatum, she can smack back as hard as anyone smacks her.  And she’s coming from a totally reasonable place, because he’s going hot and cold on her.  And you can see that it affects him, and that falls out from that same pattern where he’s trying to tell her somehing and she’s not putting in a ton of effort to figure out what he’s saying, but is focused on her own needs and thoughts.  ‘Cuz she’s hearing something like “give it up, you’re not going to get what you want out of me.”  And he’s trying to say “I’m afraid I can’t be what you need, because I svck, please don’t make me try and fail.”

And they’re convo through parallels continues, Izzie calls Alex broken and is like “okay I do it your way my caring for you is pointless and it’s all fine.”   Dad calls for son while kinda dying.  I know they claimed different thought process but didn’t Alex call for Izzie when he was shot?  And the payout from the series of exchanges: Alex is yelling at his standin to just step up and show he cares.  With a hefty does of potential regret.  It’s a 180, hoping that the kid does love his day, as well as getting emotionally invested.  His relationship with his father isn’t mentioned, not sure if it’s meant to play into this, because he has previously acknowledged that he regrets losing his father completely.

(But then 10 seconds later she’s going to go crazy and by avoiding treatment it’s kinda like trying to kill herself and just... poor taste writers, poor taste.)

Cue a moment where Izzie knows what he’s trying to say and rewards it.

Enter Izzie being a little obtuse, I know I covered this but ending my personal cannon with them getting together - Alex literally says “are we going steady.”  He’s literally saying “you tell me yes or no, and I will do that.”  Of course he’s trying to say “I don’t know if you’re serious and I want to be please clarify and reassure” but one of those literal ones should have been enough.  But then Izzie does always push him, not always intentionally, to be a little more direct, a little more vulnerable, trust her a little more.  And the result is sooooo adorable!

And brings to mind when Izzie was trying to ask him out for the first time.  And it went a tiny bit screwy and Alex flips it and asks her out.

There’s just so much awesome.  *sobs*  And there’s probably awesome in the cancer storyline too but I do not feel I can trust it and also it’s going to run full into Izzie being lame and leaving and all character development out the window?  And I DO NOT want to see her trying to come back and Alex saying No.  Because what will I see in the middle that gets them there?  They always say yes.  Eventually.  And season 16 when JC is leaving the show is a bit on the long side, even if I ignore the details of the intervening years.

Throwing everything at the wall and maybe I’ll be done with dumping or can at least refine things.  It’s the little speech I’ve only read and don’t want to hear bcause not sure how he did his line-read, but when he describes how he imagines Izzie’s life.  In how much detail, how much he wants for her, what he knows she’s capable of building.  He’s saying it to Jo and I’m uncomfortable with the idea he loves her, even if the letter to her does leak a “love you, in love with Izzie,” and I’m fine with Izzie loving Denny and don’t find it a problem Jo is still alive because I don’t see Alex going back but the thing where if he looks her in the eye he won’t return to Izzie and the kids is upsetting.  And it’s just the kids and insta-family which is enticing.  I mean, he’s not going to tell wife he’s leaving that he’s always loved his ex in a different way or anything.  But he’s also not lying.  He does mention to Meredith that he can’t go back to Seattle.  He’d stay with Jo then out of...  ?  Halp.  The best I got is he’s currently in a dream and if he goes back to his life, where he was happy, then he’ll lose the dream and it will disappear on him?

Slightly nicer is the elsewhere expressed (Meredith) idea that he’d set Izzie as unreachable.  Thus, in line with what he told Jo, he didn’t want to contact her because he didn’t want to make it worse for himself, and his happiness comparison was completely excluding himself from the possibility of being part of Izzie’s life.  It’s all happiness of them individually, not together.  But yes, he always wanted to reach out, wanted to hear her voice and he never had an excuse?  No excuse but curiousity, and that wasn’t enough to take a chance, but this was an excuse and he took it.  

And the idea that he knows the right thing is to stay in Seattle, and being with Izzie and the kids is crazy, but it’s what makes him happiest, where he belongs.  Meredith’s letter read first, so in that light, he’s overexplaining to Jo.  Also exposition.  References that conversation about his mental picture of Izzie, which I think was in the context of Jo questioning his feelings for Izzie.  It scared him because...  ?  He focuses on the kids.  It’s a little at odds with doing this for him, and a little suddenly ignoring the fact that he’s In Love with Izzie and I guess his mental image for Izzie was also his dream life and he gave it to her.  Though where he thought her kids came from is possibly an oversight.  Adoption?

Because it makes it sound like he’s torn between new and old love but the old love has is kids and wins.  It’s a free pass to perfection.  But he imagined a “whole life” for her, which is a massive investment opf time and emotional energy on someone he hasn’t seen in forever.  I mean thinking well for an ex is al well and good but this sounds a bit beyond that, where she’s not a part of his life but a part of HIS life, believing she’s okay makes everything okay.

I am also willing to take up arms and claim that “I can’t look you in the eye because I wouldt be able to walk away...” doesn’t mean walk away from Jo, but walk away from Izzie.  But that’s kinda tenuous.  It just... it sounds like if he sees Jo he won’t be able to leave her, which puts her above Izzie (and even the kids, though he can still be in their lives) and that contradicts other statements, or at least their implications .

Though fair point that there’s a metric of who you’ll give up everything for.  Izzie would for Denny.  In a sense, I hear Meredith got her back in the Seattle hospital and she declined out of respect for Alex’s feelings.  So in a way she gave up her life for Alex.  And never reached out to him but did respond when he did.  She picked up the phone.  Maybe not knowing who it was, or they all kept their own phones.  And Alex gave it all up for Izzie+kids.  I want to know he’d give it all up for Izzie alone, and the life they could have had.

Or is it that he wouldn’t be able to leave Jo because, as noted to Meredith, it’s the right thing to stay in Seattle.  And he’s become a man who does the right thing.  And sometimes the right thing isn’t what we truly want, and to get that we have to be selfish.  He one perfect thing is in Kansas.  And it’s the family.  It’s a family with Izzie.  And his kids.  It’s the whole package.  If it wasn’t Izzie, the kids wouldn’t be enough?  Also indicates that even with Jo was not exactly where he should be.

I’m also going with “some clues in various directions to satisfy various viewers but really offending most of them because this is all 10 years ago and people are newer viewers or forgot or hated Izzie when she left etc.”  But preponderance of evidence leans in favour of this choosing what makes him happiest over what makes him happy.  

ETA: he has a life for Izzie in his head because if she’s not happy, he can’t leave her where she is.  He sees her as an optimist, the opposite of him and good things happen when you lean in that direction.  He imagines her somewhere woody because that’s where they lived when they were married.

ETA2: Izzie didn’t notice Alex wanted to be exclusive.  Because Izzie sees the good in him, but she doesn’t try to justify or explain things.  She takes him at face value (mostly, she knows superficial crabbiness is just an unpleasant personality trait.)  Until/unless she has very good evidence to he contrary.  And THAT is why he has to take an active role and go to her.  He does have to work for the relationship.

(Briefly skipped to a scene in season 6 (avoiding that season) and he actually says “I can’t be your nurse” which is so much character growth.  Because I was afraid he’d gone full out into caregiver mode, which is not healthy for either of them.  He’s protecting himself, but also pushing her to face up.)

CODAS

Watched Alex calling for/hallucinating Izzie when shot.  Maybe it’s a Miranda thing?  After freaking out right after she died, about how he can’t live without her, his breakup speech was essentially about how he realized he could survive without her.  He doesn’t need her like that.  And he was really hurt by the really shitty thing she did, leaving him. Thus valid conclusion that they should part ways and he’s not caught in the love/hate.  But at some point after that, per hallucination conversation, he really wants her to...  come back for him.  To love him enough to not be able to stay away and come back for him it’s funny because the best way for her to love him was the respect his wishes and not come back.  I mean she doesn’t even say anything after he asks that.  

Interesting point “we married...”  It’s a promise.  He starts with “I’m sorry.”  His breakup speech to her - rehearsed?  He’s speaking from love and hate all blended and I think he’s a lot more honest and self aware, and he’s almost always been honest with Izzie.  So his dying speech was also fear based?  He’s scared, he’s in shock, like, physical shock.  To when is his mind taking him?  It’s natural to have regrets after a painful but necessary breakup.  It’s been months but that’s still recent enough.  So on the whole, inconclusive except yeah, he isn’t over her, but he admits during their breakup that he loves her “so much.”

Also love his “frozen together in time... and now we’re not.”  They’ve both grown and changed, and so has their relationship, but there connection hasn’t.  That hasn’t changed.  

So back to his Izzie speech, which is meaningful intentionally as in 300th episode, where years later he was wondering still about her, enough to create a good life for her.  A happy, rich and full life.  He imagines it clearly and deeply enough to add smell to it.  Smell is heavily linked to memory and emotion.

As happy as he is with Jo.  Maybe it’s contentment?  Something missing for each of them but not something he consciously knows?  Meh.  Back to frozen.  He has an image, a full rich image of her and her life.  It’s immersive but static, a snapshot.  And the him who looks at that snapshot is the same him over time.  

Letter to Meredith.  “It’s about me.”  Which is sorta back to breakup speech.  It was about him, ending the relationship.  He didn’t deserve to be left.  And this is about him, not leaving Izzie+kids.  There’s movement and beauty in this.

Meredith/Alex talking true love.  So I’m torn.  Jo refused his proposal, and the question is if you only get one true love.  Did he think Jo was a true love, and if she refuses him it’s not?  Or is he hoping that true love happens after they’re married?  Given the constancy of his love for Izzie, from fairly early on, even if he didn’t call it that at the time I’m pretty sure it’s indisputedly much earlier than marriage, and she turned him down all the time, which would forestall true love worse, right?  Can’t say as I’m not watching any Jo/Alex, cannot will not no need don’t gotta.

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

HIStory’s ranked (no one asked, but here i go)

so i was sittin here, talkin to myself about the HIStory series’ and was like ‘hey, i should rank them’ (which i’ve seen a few other people do, but mines a lot more rambling than there’s because i can’t shut up lol) 

so here’s my views lol (ordered from worst to best, imo):

6) My Hero (HIStory1) -

probably universally acknowledged as the worst episode, and i’d be inclined to agree with the masses on this lol... not only is the tone and humour of this series so weird and disjointed, but the entire story line literally makes no sense lol?? it’s unclear who the audience should be rooting for (especially as it goes out of it’s way to paint our protagonist as really unlikable lol, not to mention the love interest is the dullest character ever conceived like ???), as well as this the ending feels completely unrelated and bizarre... 

i think this concept /could/ have worked if the guy the woman was inhabiting (which sounds weird without context, but like she’s dead lol) was somehow also inside his head? or if she got to see his memories or whatever & tries to adjust her personality to match the guy’s, causing love interest!dude to fall in love with the guy... (like i could go into more detail, i basically hav an entire au written in my head lol, but yh...)... that way, her letting go of him in the end would feel so much more well set up? especially if she was generally more understanding and likeable.. 

i think overall this series just fails in telling a decent story lol... & the cringe is even beyond what i can handle lol

5) Obsessed (HIStory1) -

people might be surprised to see this one so low down, especially since i know a lot of people really love this series (& if u do, no hate to u btw, ur allowed to like whatever u want idc), but i realllllly don’t like this series... like at all ...

the plot is weird anyway, which isnt inherently a bad thing, but then u add on the really bad couple and it’s just...... bad lol... like everything about their relationship is built on lies and deceit, and even more so than that it’s built on a lack of mutual respect and fundamental trust for each other! tall guy (i don’t know names soz) feigns memory loss in order to get closer to short guy (btw, the scenes with them being domestic were really sweet, & i firmly believe this could have been an alright series for the actors if the story line wasn’t so bad), short guy’s whole existence in that universe was a lie lol (like i know there’s no easy way to tell someone ‘lol well i’m technically from the future’ but still), then there’s the whole resolution at the end & it’s just so ??? frustrating lol!

nothing bugs me more than seeing conflict in relationships (on screen or irl) that could be solved simply by TALKING TO EACH OTHER GODDAMNIT & isnt lol... my other issue with this series is the fact tall guy 100% forced himself upon short guy in the tent & like we’re just supposed to accept it cos ?? he’s saying no and pushing away but actually he wants it because he loves tall guy ?? like fuck no i’m not accepting that lol! 

basically, bad & bizarre story & characters, & gross tropes just makes this hard for me to watch and enjoy lol... i think, like in my hero, this could’ve done with being a different story altogether lol... (maybe tall guy actually did lose his memory & he falls for short guy all on his own with no predatory intentions?? idk something like that)

4) Right or Wrong (HIStory2)

this one & my number 3 are very much tied tbh, but this one is just slightly lower just because i’m not as big into the couple as i know a lot of people are... & it’s not necessarily the age gap, cos i dont actually mind age gaps in pairings (just as long as the younger one isnt a minor, obv... and also i think any gap that’s 30+ years is a bit weird lol..).. i think my big problem with this is i dont really see why younger guy (again, i have no idea of any of these characters’ names lol) would fall for the older guy? like the older guy is obvs going thru some issues, and hasnt been taking care of himself or his kid properly because of them, but like we dont rly see a lot of why he’s a great guy? like we get the sense young guy is attracted to him, but like love is more than just thinkin they’re hot lol... idk lol this might just be me tbh i just couldnt see why he’d be interested lol

i did like the whole family side though, and showing how a man who was previously with a woman can still end up with a guy (bisexualityyyyy (or some variation of that thereupon)) is something you dont always see in media, so i thought that was pretty cool! (even if the ex-wife thing was kinda lame lol...) 

i think overall i see what this series was going for, and that it actually did an alright job in some parts... the biggest problem is that it’s kinda just forgettable lol... maybe that’s why people like obsessed so much lol? maybe it was a train wreck but ohh boy at least u wont forget it in a hurry lol!

3) Stay Away From Me (HIStory1) -

i’m a bit torn about this one, cos there are parts of it i actually really like (them going from rivals/enemies to being good friends to being more), and other parts i really didnt (the stereotypical squealing yaoi fangirl friend)... & tbh, i kinda wish this had just been a show about the budding friendship between the 2 guys... it almost feels too forced to me that they’re made to ‘fall in love’ when i actually think them both becoming less selfish and learning to respect each other as step brothers & friends is actually already a really great story (& i know that it doesnt fit with the whole ‘HIStory’ thing, but stories of platonic brotherhood/’bromance’ are just as important as gay representation... isnt a /substitute/ for representation, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always so beautiful to see decently portrayed non-toxic friendships between guys... ok this is a rant for another day tho shhh)

i think maybe why i like this one more than the other HIStory1′s is because kinda nothing happens lol... it’s not overly complex with weird unexplained magic things happening, it’s just a simple story lol... is it still tropey as hell? of course lol! but i think the ‘realism’ of the world really helps, and i def think this was incorporated more into HIStory 2, which i’m really glad about...

overall, this is a relatively harmless series & is actually quite sweet at times... the kiss is awkward as fuck tho (there, i said it lol...)... it suffers the same forgetability as right or wrong tho... 

2) Crossing the Line (/Boundary Crossing) (HIStory2) -

ok, so here’s a series i 100% love & totally agree with the hype around lol! i hav no interest in volleyball (or any sports tbh), but the way this show handles the friendships and dynamics between the characters is really well done, especially for a series that’s only 8 episodes long! i also really love that none of the characters really fall into any stereotypes (which is a great improvement from HIStory1 i can tell u lol), and are given the space to actually have some growth & nuance at times?! 

(nuance? in MY HIStory series?? it’s more likely than you think!)

the main couple have really amazing chemistry, and the way they get together doesnt feel too out of place or that it’s going to fast, it just sorta flows really nicely... even the side couple are pretty well done (though i wasnt that big into them on my first watch, just cos the whole overbearing older brother thing was kinda annoying... i liked them more as the series went on tho...)

i kinda dont have any major complaints? which is bizarre cos i always hav complaints about things lol... maybe my complaint would be that they all look way too old and attractive to be whatever teenage age they’re supposed to be lol... (but tbh that doesnt take anything away from the story so i’ll forgive them lol...)... i think maybe i wouldnt consider it my favourite because the story line didnt grab me like the number 1... but i really cant fault it in terms of what it delivers lol, legit such a well put together series!

1) Trapped (HIStory3) -

lol i think anyone who’s been following me for the past few months aren’t in the slightest bit surprised this is my number one... i just love it too much lol!

from the incredibly well written and well acted characters, to the interesting and engaging (even if a bit ridiculous) plot, to the beautifully told romance , it really has it all doesn’t it!!! & i think even if this wasnt an enemies to lovers thing (aka one of the most godtier of all fanfic tropes), there’s so many things going for this series that make it worth watching! i have a few complains about editing choices and a few bad trope plot points which were just unnecessary (plus the fact we missed out on a lot of background info on some major characters lol...), but like despite everything this series rly struck a chord with me deep down in my soul lol

i could go waaay more into detail (and maybe i will one day lol... tho not rn, i’m v tired), but the gist of the matter is: i really love trapped lol

(conclusion)

Even though i’ve complained quite a bit here, i am so grateful for the HIStory series’ for bringing really interesting, and a little mad, stories with gay characters and story lines, with a big emphasis on happy endings! there are so many lgbt stories/characters in things that end up dying or just have bad endings, which just sends this horrible message that lgbt people aren’t worthy of having happy endings, which is completely untrue! 

So i look forward to future HIStory’s, even if some of them are gonna be bad (& maybe none will live up to the trapped!shaped bullet firmly lodged in my heart lol)

fin~

[nightfayre]

hi im the anon ! i dont remember what i said >

and I’m alarmed by the fandom mentality. Maybe HT means good - but how would we know? we don’t have access to his thoughts - but we must judge his actions, and his actions are for the least very troubling. It’s always abt coercing Mo and not respecting his boundaries. I see the trope “when she says no, she means yes” here and once again, the fact the fandom swallows it uncritically (bc HT is a poor, hot tortured boy) is alarming. Forcing Mo to wear his gift stinks of “this is my possession, don’t mess wt him” 2/5

Maybe im pessimistic n its actually to protect him by distance, but once again he totally disregards Mo’s will. What if he doesnt want to be protected ? what if he doesnt want to be an object to be pass around between self-entitled psychos ? The first step to protect and help someone is by listening to them. I hope Mo will react strongly and will tell HT that by saying this, he’s no different from She Li. And i hope that would provoke HT to self-reflect a lot - smth he lacks tremendously. 3/5

That being said i love HT and tianshan! And what i love is how realistic and flawed they are. Theyre both hyper violent, distrustful, and severly lacking in communication skills. Im thrilled to see how theyre going to evolve -for the better or the worse, both is good for me. But i’m very disappointed by the fandom reaction like “ooh how cute hes possessive it means love!” or ���actually its not bad doing HT doing that bc his intentions are good”. 4/5

And I will be vry, vry disappointed if OX decides to follow this trend and to not show how this kind of actions is detrimental to their reliationship and use the tired and dangerous trope of “being violent means that you care”. I trust them to be more nuanced than that bc until now they are great at drawing grey relationship. So yea i hope next chapter, tianshan plunges (before being better). Anw sry for the rant, and plz continue the good work !! 5/5

phew. there’s a lot to unpack here – but I agree wholeheartedly with you. since this post is already kinda long, I will put my answer/explanation under the cut!

the parts that I bolded in your asks are what I intend to focus on in this answer. strap in, because this is going to be a long one. 

before anything, let me put a disclaimer: I love He Tian. I love Guan Shan. I love Old Xian. I love tianshan, and I love where they are headed in the manhua. does that mean I also love where tianshan are right now? no, it doesn’t. and I’m here to explain why I look forward to their potential rather than their current relationship’s dynamics.  

one of the hardest parts about being in a fandom is being able to separate fiction, reality, and morality. this is especially hard when a fandom is as old and endearing as 19 Days, and when you fall in love with & are rooting for all the characters. furthermore, 19 Days is not a tragedy. of course, when Jian Yi disappears, it will be tragic. but otherwise the majority of the manhua is a comical, romantic slice-of-life plot. as such, it’s easier for what would usually be seen as blaring issues/problems in tragedies to be disregarded for comedy or, in some cases, romance in a comedic, romantic slice-of-life. 

this is exactly the case with tianshan. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: He Tian’s current relationship with Guan Shan is not healthy. he doesn’t listen to Guan Shan. he doesn’t respect his personal space. he doesn’t know where to draw the line. he doesn’t know how to properly communicate with him, and thus resorts to violence or threats. tianshan just have a problem with communication. and, sure, maybe it can be chalked up to the fact that they’re young and stressed and don’t know any better. but that excuse is almost as bad as the “boys will be boys” excuse, and that doesn’t make it any better nor does it justify their actions. 

He Tian’s idea of relationships is so twisted, and as I talked about in a previous answer, it can probably be stemmed back to his trauma with the puppy Cheng took away from him. I won’t get too deep into that since I explained it in detail in that answer, but keep this in mind nonetheless: He Tian grew up in a family of violence, distance, miscommunication, and lies. it’s all he’s ever known, and that’s what he’s applying to his relationship with Guan Shan. does that make it right? no, absolutely not. but he’s learning. 

when Guan Shan had a panic attack at the restaurant, He Tian learned that people aren’t robots/pawns to use at his disposal and rather have their own strong emotions/backgrounds that shape them. thus, he brought Guan Shan home without a word. when he had his night terror and woke up to Guan Shan holding his hands, He Tian realized that there are parts of Guan Shan he still doesn’t know and, potentially, an aspect of their relationship that they’ve only started to uncover. thus, he thanked him without preamble and with a bowed head. 

what I’m trying to say is that He Tian does have good intentions at times, but not always. he’s learning as he goes, because god knows he didn’t have a family to teach him how healthy relationships should be. there probably is a part of He Tian that only wants to protect Guan Shan against She Li, but he certainly doesn’t show it in the right way. he acts possessive because he knows that if he doesn’t, he’ll lose what he loves (*insert flashback to the puppy*). again, does that make it right? hell no. jealousy and possessiveness are not cute and are entirely unhealthy in a relationship. the fandom should view them as such, but should also keep an open mind when considering He Tian’s background. 

and honestly, the reason why I’m focusing so much on He Tian right now rather than Guan Shan is because if it were up to Guan Shan, he would’ve dropped He Tian within the first few days (maybe even hours) of meeting him. but because of He Tian’s persistence, Guan Shan has no choice but to be involved with him and retaliate when He Tian verbally/physically/emotionally attacks him. nonetheless, Guan Shan has tried to walk away from He Tian on multiple occasions when He Tian’s teasing became too much, and on those occasions, He Tian has given in. (ex. I can’t find the exact chapter, but there is a chapter in which Guan Shan refuses to use He Tian’s fork to eat He Tian’s leftovers, and he gets up and says, “I’m going home,” to which He Tian replies, “Fine, fine, I’ll buy you new food.”)

so yes – tianshan certainly have flaws. He Tian holds too much power, and Guan Shan can’t catch a break. the fandom romanticizes their interactions, but if you take a moment to think realistically and recognize that character flaws are essentially bad but also critical for character development, then there is an even balance in the readers’ relationship with the manhua. don’t support He Tian’s violent interactions with Guan Shan and claim “omg He Tian loves Guan Shan sooooo much when he forces Guan Shan to do XYZ,” but rather support the fact that he hasn’t physically manhandled/harmed Guan Shan in many chapters. support and celebrate He Tian’s development, not his flaws. 

and as for what you said about Guan Shan telling He Tian that he’s “no better than She Li”? while I don’t think He Tian is truly as bad as She Li, I actually think that would be a painful, great, and pivotal moment in their relationship. after all, the most consequential scene in tianshan’s relationship thus far has been the kiss. at that moment, Guan Shan had told He Tian outright that he disgusted him and to leave him alone. since then, I don’t think He Tian has ever looked so… taken aback. unsettled. 

and guess what? their relationship has only gotten better since then, and He Tian hasn’t touched him like that again. 

I don’t know, anon. it’s a tough call. I think tianshan have a lot more chapters ahead of them, and I don’t think Old Xian will allow them to end on bad terms. actually, I don’t think Old Xian will allow them to end on the terms that they’re on right now. they can only improve from here on out, but how Old Xian will go about showing that improvement is unknown to us. there are many paths this story can take, but rather than worrying about what might happen, let’s focus on the here and now. let’s focus on the problems at hand, and let’s focus on the development the characters are undergoing. 

don’t ignore the wrongness/cruelty of characters’ actions, but don’t romanticize them either. if you do, you’re only doing a disservice to the character’s personality, existence, and the author’s intentions.

(and as for this newest chapter specifically: I see why people can get excited about He Tian telling Guan Shan to wear the earrings. He Tian wants to verify to both himself and She Li that Guan Shan is with him now. that Guan Shan is no longer under She Li’s control. who doesn’t love a little verification of their OTP’s relationship, especially when it involves an enemy?

but at the same time, it’s unhealthy. Guan Shan doesn’t have a say. he’s being handed around like an object. I don’t think this is pessimistic thinking; I think it’s the truth that no one wants to acknowledge/hear. but I’m not saying that tianshan is wrong in this chapter; I’m saying that He Tian has good intentions, but he’s not showing them correctly. and there will be a chapter in which he does show them correctly, but we must travel this rocky road before we get to that point. patience is key, and I cannot wait until He Tian and Guan Shan reach that moment of clarity. you can’t have light without the dark.)

[scorpio-karma]

How would you have written Bonkai if you had the chance ?

So I’ve always been a fan of Dark Bonkai, so if I were to write them I would forgo the redemption arc completely. I wasn’t a fan of it when it aired and even though now I’ve warmed up to it more now it’s still not how I would have wanted Bonkai to go because as I said in a different post the only way I see that romance working out is as generic fluff which is just not my jam.

This first thing I would have done is after she sends Damon back is have Bonnie and Kai stuck together longer, not only because there needed to be more pay off from that but also because sending Kai back as quickly as they do wasted a great opportunity with both characters because once he’s back in the real world his storylines don’t fall flat but they aren’t as great especially when he ends up missing for an unusual amount of episodes–he’s the main villain of the season, he really shouldn’t have been missing from any episodes. So I wouldn’t have him figure out where Jo stashed her magic, but I would still have him take her to Portland for Thanksgiving because A) great development and B) it sets up or the one other thing I would have kept which is Bonnie’s breakdown because it’s such a well done scene.

From there I would have them do more cat and mouse games which would start with her killing Kai (who would come back) and running as far as possible taking his pager with her just to piss him of because he told her not to touch it. Then I would have the Delena failed Bonnie rescue mission (with a few things tweaked since Kai would still be in the PW, I’d just have the spell run out of time because they were doddling which is essentially what happened in canon) which literally ends up breaking her spirit. As much as I hate Bonnie being in pain, I love that scene because it is so well done and not just because of Kat’s acting, which is on point, but because for the first time ever the narrative actually cares about the pain Bonnie’s in, focuses on the pain she’s in, and doesn’t force her to be “strong”. 

Just look at Damon’s reaction when he realizes what’s going to happen to Bonnie. There reason I always preferred Damon with Bonnie and that’s because his reactions seem a lot more genuine which is mostly Ian because his reactions to Kat are a lot more genuine and that scene you could feel that Damon felt sadness for Bonnie, and what makes that scene so much better is that instead of only focusing on his sadness for her it cuts to her, and her pain, and in that moment she’s not infallible, she’s not the strong witch who can endure anything and everything, she’s broken and it’s devastating and it’s something we really didn’t get to see with her even when she literally died and had to see her own dead body. 

It’s always an easy scene to point out but it’s because it’s so atrocious is when Abby gets turned, you don’t even see Bonnie except for a glimpse after (I’m pretty sure they didn’t even have her on set for that shooting day), instead you have Caroline speak for her and then the show focuses on Elena’s pain from the incident which isn’t even empathy for Bonnie but rather her own pain because Bonnie won’t talk to her, which as I keep saying in my Tyler meta’s, neither of those are comparable experiences and prioritizing her pain over Bonnie’s was the breaking point for most Bonnie fans. So after years of getting things like that I was actually quite proud of that scene.

But back to Bonkai, I wouldn’t just keep that there because I like the scene but also because it signifies a breaking point which would be great in the development of Bonkai especially in a moment she feels most alone because she wouldn’t be completely alone, she would have Kai. If Bamon and Benzo taught me anything it’s that if she’s isolated alone with you long enough you will get her undying loyalty no matter what you’ve done and that’s something that’s actually in character because she has abandonment issues, or at least she should with her mother leaving her, her dad barely home, and then the only consistent family member she had, Grams, died. It explains why she clings on to her friends so much, unfortunately the show has never had enough nuance to even try to use that as a reason for why she keeps sacrificing herself, they just make it he obligation. 

From there she’d be willing to do anything to get out but without magic they don’t know how to leave so they spend more time together. Bonnie would be depressed, for obvious reasons, and I would have Kai trying to cheer her up because he likes her plucky and it’s not much fun seeing her like that. Then I would basically have most if not all the events from Metamorphosis happen right down to her killing herself and realizing no one can die in the PW not even her. They would have kinda a mentorship which involves them killing each other over and over (again events in Metamorphosis) which would cheer her up in a dark twisted way which would lead to a lot of dark twisted sex (not in the fic),

Eventually Bonnie would remember Qetsiyah’s rock because the fact that the rescue mission was literally remind Bonnie of what she already knew was ridiculous and something she could have figured out on her own. And then they get out disregarding Jo’s knife because another ridiculous thing, not that she hid it there, but because it continued to be hidden there after 18 years like “find a better hiding spot.” 

Kai would continue his quest to be Gemini leader, and Bonnie, now that she’s out and knows him a lot better would be conflicted with letting him kill his entire coven or leaving it alone–her conflicted feelings would effect him because he’s got the girl and doesn’t want to lose her but instead of trying to be better like we’ve seen oh so many times (Damon, Klaus, to a degree Katherine with Elijah) he tries to get he on his side using truths about her “friends” which is honesty something  think should have happened in season 4 with Shane because of how quickly he gets her trust, but let’s not lament on that. Eventually her new found attitude of looking out for herself actually takes and she lets him because unless she or the world is in danger of imploding she’s staying out of it.

After that I would actually have him merge with Liv. I’m sorry for people who liked Liv, but she was kinda of annoying and the writers clearly were trying to replace Bonnie with her, however that’s not the reason I would have her die in the merge. The reason I would have her die is because she was kind always meant to. She knew she was less likely to survive the merge with Luke and she was the most afraid to die and in the series finale she does accept her fate, but I would have much rather it been here during the merge. It would have been brave and lot more powerful because Luke wasn’t as afraid he just went with the flow. Also it would stop TVD’s tendency to kill all of their gay characters, in terms of which twin had more potential to add to the show it was easily Luke, again sorry for people who liked Liv, she was kinda like Caroline in that she was on of many witches (which was a new(ish) concept since it fell on Bonnie to be the sole witch without any family, but as I said they were clearly priming her to replace Bonnie).

Then I don’t know how I would develop it but basically it would end with Bonkai being king and queen of the Gemini combining their power to be the most powerful couple ever, but after Bonnie does a lot of traveling because that was something she needed, she needed to get out and make her own path. And after Kai learned to deal with feelings a bit more, I guess I would have him redeemed(ish) (but leaving Damon and Elena out of it because again why would he give a single fuck about them?) because that’s honestly the only natural ending, but I would want that redemption to be an individual process (which it kind was in canon but it still had people telling him to do x and people will forgive him and him doing x but unlike Damon x doesn’t work), so that would all be happening while she’s off traveling which she does almost immediately after she gets back and doesn’t bother telling any of the MFG she’s back, they only find out through Kai. 

If given a chance this is how I would have written Bonkai, basically having their development in the season coincide together. Also this is mostly a rewrite of season 6 but to write Bonkai (Bonnie) that’s necessary. 

[shadowphoenixrider]

I realize I’ve been playing Andromeda a while, though I haven’t finished it, I do have thoughts about it, which I’ll list here. Assume spoilers, please, under the cut, though I’ve done my best to keep them down to an absolute minimum.

I started playing this after the first patch, and didn’t receive any of animation bugs I kinda half-heard about. Aside from occasionally my Ryder would do this weird ‘dance’ when she was going to down the stairs, but that was just odd.

It’s a fucking gorgeous looking game. Many times I just wanted to stand and look at it. Also if a starship looks so pretty you want to lick the thing, you’re doing it right.

I love the new conversation system and the fact they threw Paragon/Renegade mostly out of the window. There’s much more nuance in having ‘attitudes’ than ‘good/asshole’ options.

Choices that actually stumped me. I tried not to cheat and look up their repercussions online, but dang, some were hard. One was so difficult I had to have a discussion with the boyfriend and then come back later to make the decision. That’s good, because I gave a shit about the world that the choices were hard!

A little disappointed in the lack of alien life that wasn’t flora, but the depth they put into the angaran was really good, and I’d prefer there to be few races but really built up rather than many with little detail.

I know SAM’s trying to be helpful with his temperature announcements, but they’re on my HUD and it’s extremely annoying when you flip in and out of hazard zones so quickly. If there was an option to restrict him to just warning you about level 2 hazards, that would really improve the situation (that’s when I really need the info!).

I love all my companions. Sometimes don’t get along with what they say or how they react to others’, but all in all, I love and adore and care about them.

Game takes a little while to get going and finally let you loose in the world. It also has a habit of swamping you in side quests at first, which can cause you to burn-out and hate a world very quickly if you’re not careful.

Love the party banter in the Nomad, though sometimes it starts right as I transition and I scream with rage when it does. Not sure if that’s my fault or the game’s though.

The Nomad I love and hate. In summary, I do like it a lot, but I find myself fighting with it at times, which is frustrating. This might be because I’m using a mouse and keyboard though. That said, on the broken planet (I forgot it’s name!), it’s an absolute joy to drive. And running enemies over is just as delightful as when I did it in the Mako (and Ryder’s comments make me giggle).

I’m a huge nerd, but I loved the science to be heard; such as starting nearly thawed people on fluid-food first to get their GI tract used to food again - actually done in a hospital settings after major bowel surgery. Also an addition to the above point about the planet; the Nomad going really fast due to being no atmosphere which means no drag; delightful. I love that care and attention being given to things like that.

The ambient chatter on the Nexus can be very annoying if you have subtitles on, since the game wants to follow all the conversations at once, so it gets disjointed and awkward. And there’s a LOT of it!

There’s so many female turians around and it makes me unreasonably happy, considering the shit that went on in ME3.

I’m utterly, madly delighted I can romance Vetra with my F!Ryder, but I’ve got this sense that there doesn’t seem to be much there...? Maybe I’ve not got there yet, but after lock in I’ve gotten squad mates teasing Vetra and Ryder in the Nomad but nothing else...? I know it’s not nearly as bad as what I’ve been hearing about the mlm romances, but I’m a little...not at ease about it.

In some conversations the camera gets stuck awkwardly so I can’t see who I’m talking to. Made worse sometimes by Ryder having to do an awkward dance so the game while actually let me talk to a person. it’s not a major thing, but annoying.

Elaaden feels a bit rushed and there doesn’t seem to have a satisfying conclusion like with the others. Perhaps it’s to subvert our expectations, and or will be filled in with DLC or an expansion, but I can’t help but feel a little ‘hung out to dry’ with it.

I absolutely adore the fact you can have such a strong friendship with your companions, and it doesn’t feel like you’re missing out if you don’t romance them. In my opinion, Cora’s friend scene on Eos was completely and utterly wonderful. A++

If BioWare was aiming for me to hate the kett, they did a wonderful job. If they were aiming for me to understand them as a race, then no, they haven’t so far. Call it what you will, but I had no compunction being dishonourable to them and shooting them in the back.

I haven’t come across many of those ‘impulsive actions’ during my playthrough, but I’m not sure if it’s the way I play or just a general lack of them. A bit of a shame.

I miss the ability to pause time in combat. I spent most of my time with the game floundering and hiding in cover because I had no idea what to do next. I did eventually learn to adapt, but even Casual has kicked my ass more than once, and I doubt I’d ever be useful in MP if I played it.

That said, biotics are really fun in combat. And if you want to experience Andromeda’s combat at its best, go Vanguard. Charge is the most fun ability in the game and punching dudes in the face has never gotten old.

Praise be the ability to jump. The ledge grab seems to be a bit unpredictable at times though, unsure if that’s me fucking up again.

The purification fields are anxiety incarnate for me and they can eat my entire ass. I will happily lose loot for those fucking things.

I haven’t fought an Architect yet but I feel they’re thresher maws on steroids and have no wish to.

Okay, whoever thought about that puzzle in a Remnant vault where you have to manage your life support system as well was a good idea needs to be repeatedly hit with a newspaper. That was extremely unfun and made the whole thing tedious and never, ever do that again. I mean it.

I didn’t mind the Remnant sudoku puzzles, though I have cheated on one that just looked awful. They take a lot of time, though, and I can understand peoples’ confusion. It became a lot clearer when you realize that sometimes it’s a cluster of shapes, not the normal grid-based structure.

My pet peeve with the entire game is the amount of clicks to do anything in the menus. If I bring the map up directly from the game, I expect to go directly back to the game when I press Esc, not to go back to the main menu, and THEN back to the game. It’s extremely annoying, wastes time, and makes the game feel like it wasn’t properly ported to the PC.

If you’re not interested in crafting, a lot of motivators in the game seem really flat and boring (especially research and some AVP rewards). This may have been a personal problem of mine, as I was given so much choice to start with I just ‘shut down’ and didn’t do anything. Also it felt like I was ascending levels so quickly either my gear was irrelevant or anything I made would quickly be outgraded minutes later. YMMV on this one, but my personal preference is loot > crafting.

Story so far is good. Like the issues it’s bringing up and whilst it takes time to get rolling, once moving it’s very compelling, and whilst I’ve not gotten to the end, I hope for more DLC/expansions to continue it.

In summary, I do like Andromeda. I don’t think it’s fantastic, but I certainly don’t think it’s a bad game! I can see why people like it and why people dislike it, and certainly see why some people thought it was a disappointment. But to me? It wasn’t.

I think I did myself a great service by uncoupling myself from the hype, burying my head in the sand and waiting for the initial storm to blow over (though the latter was technically out of my control, as I had to upgrade my CPU, so I was delayed in that regard). As a result, I experience the game as it truly was, and whilst I had times I wanted to throw it down a well, I think my time with it has been a net positive.

It happened with WoW’s Legion expansion (which I also found myself enjoying, as you can clearly tell), which is sending signals to me that hype is really messing us all up. So in future I think I’ll have to repeat this behaviour of isolating myself from it and waiting. Good job, video games industry. Good fucking job.