#or even give britney the space to choose who she wants to play her

[britneyera]

i'm just praying they cast a good actress as britney for her biopic it just can't be sydney sweeney or whoever twitter suggests we need a girl with a lethal stage presence and the same rebellious vibes or that even looks like her? has that ever crossed people's minds before suggesting an actress just cause they like them?

[yuk1-tsukumo]

what jujutsu kaisen characters smell like ✧･ﾟ: * [sfw]

a/n: hi, there! this was actually one of the first things i thought about & headcanoned when i first got into jujutsu kaisen back in late april, but i was inspired to finally post it after seeing the version published by @yes-i-simp-for-2d-men. here's part 2 <3

w/c: 544

yūji itadori

unfortunately, he probably does smell like axe </3

buT if he wasn't the epitome of a teenage boy i could totally see him using a cologne that smells just like the beach

not in a sophisticated, wealthy italian man who only wears linen, kind of way

more like, boy who plays volleyball at the beach with popsicle-stained lips

on that note, i bet he smells like sunscreen too

he used to never use any but then one day nobara called him a dumbass, told him he'd get skin cancer and made him slather it on like a total mom

bonus: his breath smells like candy bc i bet he always has a jawbreaker or something in his mouth (o˘◡˘o)

megumi fushiguro

his scent is a perfect reflection of his quiet personality

he smells like a combination of dove soap, clean laundry & freshly-cut grass

can't give you the name of a cologne but his has vetiver for sure

i feel like he also doesn't use too much—you wouldn't be able to smell it unless you were up in his space

he lowkey does it that way bc he grew up with gojo dousing himself with cologne all the time & his nostrils hated it ☠

nobara kugisaki

her scent is definitely something sweet & fruity, in that very artificial way

it wouldn't surprise me if her perfume was one of those randomly released by 2000s popstars

maybe one from britney or taylor swift lol

the first fruit that came to mind was peach

but i could also see her going for citrus, apple or even mango ????

she probably spritz a fuck ton, too—she can rival gojo in that regard

i bet megumi's nose was scrunched up for a little while, when he first met her

he probably has fragrance fatigue now tho lmao

noritoshi kamo

something powdery and light, for sure !!!

if not, then something clean

my point is that it has to be sophisticated yet soft

probably gets it from a classy company with a minimalist vibe

i'm thinking specifically about byredo <3

maki zenin

i could totally see her choosing something marketed as unisex, like from calvin klein

but that also feels too,,,, simple ??? it's nice but there's not a lot of character

so maybe she'd go for a scent that feels more rugged

she smells a bit like city air, yeah—cigarette smoke, or leather, or petrol

but it's not overpowering at all, y'know? it's still nice !!! she doesn't smell like the curb LMAO

it's a bit masculine but still in the gender neutral territory

another one who would be very subtle with it, she only sprays a little

mai zenin

she kinda gives me the impression that she smells "older" than she actually is,,,,,,, does that even make sense

like, uh, maybe she was snooping around her mother's vanity and discovered one of those perfumes usually deserved for date nights or formal events, when you wanna feel sexy

so she's a teenage girl smelling like she's a woman in her 30s

i guess it would be something floral but 'dark'—woody, or even spicy

thinking of classics like poison dior or black opium

sometimes a girl just wants to emulate a femme fatale, so sue her!

[primergon]

okay imagine

it’s late and I’m half asleep, but hear me out

I’m a girly girl, and I am tired of girly-girl erasure. being feminine has always been portrayed as some kind of a crime in modern media. Hollywood has demonized feminity for ages now. girly girls are always portrayed as these two-dimensional characters with no worth or substance to the story. she’s either a bully, a spoiled brat, a bimbo, or all three. as lovely as it is to see headcanons and imagines of brave, kick-ass readers/characters, I want to see headcanons of girly readers/characters in transformers. let’s say tfp :

give me a reader who is your typical preppy cheerleader minus the bad attitude. give me a reader who loves pink, wears skirts, listen to modern pop, and applies lip gloss every once in five minutes ( honestly with the weather in Jasper, I wouldn’t be taking any chances)

give me girly reader on a recon mission with the bots, give me girly reader saving the day, give me girly reader calling out Megatron to his face for how rude he is.

give me girly reader swapping fashion tips with Miko ( even if they both have different tastes, let me have some girl bonding damn it ), give me girly reader having a playful banter with knockout ( “ ew fleshy is that dolce ? so last season�� “ hello ! it’s Chanel, asshole. don’t tell me you don’t know the difference”), give me girly reader listening to Britney with smokescreen.

give me girly reader driving ultra magnus insane by being his human charge because she’s always asking him to drive her to the mall ( “ we just went yesterday, humans don’t die if they don’t shop.” “ well i do !”) , give me protective magnus scaring off high school boys trying to give love letters to girly reader by honking at them in the school parking lots , give me girly girl reader who plays ‘ legally blonde ‘ and ‘ clueless’ on movie nights for bumblebee and bulkhead, give me human reader who comforts arcee whenever she gets sad and thinks about cliff jumper, give me girly reader who roasts Starscream whenever he gets too cocky.

give me a girly girl who uses the power of friendship to save the day miraculously, it’s a cartoon with giant robots from outer space, this is not the most ridiculous thing you’ll hear. it’s realistic to have characters that reassure kids or fandom members that it’s okay to be feminine, it’s okay to care about fashion trends, and kick Decepticon ass with blush and lipstick on. it doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to the team, doesn’t mean you’re not a valuable member of a rebellion, and it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sci-fi while being a girly girl.

I wished someone had told me this earlier on in life, instead of making me choose as if my femininity immediately deems me as someone too shallow or stupid to understand sci-fi media like transformers. girly girls are smart, girly girls are independent, girly girls are badass, girly girls are nerds ( and we love that ) 

this doesn’t mean I hate the idea of tomboy, ass-kicking ladies who prefer to wear black from head to toe. I love them, and I’d love to see them side by side with a character who maybe doesn’t know how to fight that well, nor do they know anything about cars, but they sure do know how to speak up for others and care for them while looking absolutely fabulous. I hope this makes sense lol

[cullen-collective]

do it. write it. do it

Say. Less. 

*

There’s never anyone actually interesting in these chats. 

There’s me, who actually wants to discuss music, the way it feels, the lyrics’ poetic meanings, the way the drums crash like they’re my own heartbeat. And then there’s guys who might want to discuss that, but are probably here for the other occupants of the forum: girls obsessed with band members. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against them, and I fully understand geeking out over Pete Wentz (although I’ve always been more of a Stump girl) or Gerard Way or even Chester Bennington. I just keep having to switch to new forums when it’s clear that no one else wants to talk about the music, but instead have guys who claim to look like Adam Lazarra scam the email addresses and photos off those girls. 

Which brings me here, to another new forum chat, scrolling through older posts about who drums harder: Travis Barker or Mike Kinsella, as the chat scrolls by on the right side of the screen. I was mindlessly scrolling, mentally agreeing or disparaging the opinions of other posters, too scared to comment. This site was pretty neat, and the account I’d had to create to post comments and chat had spaces for a list of my favorites, which I’d happily included. It also had a little bio, which I’d filled in with my name and age, as well as one of my favorite lyrics.

I kept one eye on the chat as it went, keeping up with the current discussion of how best to cut your bangs. I typed up a quick note that the best way to cut your bangs was to see a local hairdresser so you didn’t end up with Buffy season three bangs instead of the side-sweep you wanted. 

Emo-ward: But is it really, truly in the spirit of punk rock if you don’t cut them yourself?

HellsBells: I think to be a real punk, you’d probably need to like different bands. To be alt, you can visit a salon or resign yourself to botched hair. 

Emo-ward: Seems like the majority is going to choose the second option.

HellsBells: Well, sometimes we must suffer for the cause. 

Emo-Ward wants to send you a private message. Accept. Decline. 

I was stunned. No one ever requested me. My cursor hovered over “Accept”, my finger twitching. My mother, as scattered as she was, had always warned me about being too open online. What if this was like, a forty-five year old man who preyed on kids in chat rooms? What if it was a serial killer? What if it was someone from school trying to humiliate me? What if it was a kid from school who wanted to humiliate me and also did a little serial killing on the side? 

Okay, I was being ridiculous. I knew nothing about this person. Hell, I hadn’t even looked at their profile. So I right-clicked the name in the chat and opened another window to his profile. Like mine, the profile had no picture, and instead had a graphic. It was Gerard Way but his hair had been edited to be bright green. I snorted, remembering my own, which was Britney Spears edited with a scene girl haircut that this chick in my Western Civ class had emailed to me as a joke after seeing the Ataris CD in my portable player. The name listed was Edward, the age as 16, and he had a lyric on his profile too. 

“Watching from the floor.”

I recognized it, small as it was. It was from “Dear Maria, Count Me In”. I was a little surprised. Great song choice. 

It seemed he wasn’t too sketchy. 

I went back to the original page, steeled my nerves and hit “Accept.” 

Emo-ward: Do you really have time in your veins? 

My tongue pressed to the inside of my cheek. If this really was a sixteen-year-old boy, I was in trouble. He had just referenced the lyric in my bio, (from “Understanding In A Car Crash”: “It starts and stops and starts and stops again.”) and made it a joke. I had to one-up him. 

HellsBells: Yes. I am also a pen.

Emo-ward: Where are you from, girl with time in her veins who is somehow also a pen?

I smiled at my screen. I couldn’t help it. He was kind of funny. 

HellsBells: Forgive me, sir, if I’m not very specific. I’m from the Southwest. You?

Emo-ward: Well, miss, I will follow suit. I’m from the Northwest. 

There was something about the way he wrote that made me want to trust him. Maybe it was that we had similar chat styles. Although… My mother had always said I talked like I was sixty. What if he was sixty?! Edward is an old man's name. 

HellsBells: You kind of talk like an old guy, you know that, right?

Emo-ward: That’s because I’m 104. 

HellsBells: Wow. You use the internet pretty well for a senior citizen.

Emo-ward: They had us take a class. So, what’s your favorite album right now?

I smiled. Funny, and hopefully not an old guy. 

HellsBells: Will you stop talking to me if I say Take This to Your Grave?

Emo-ward: Only if you stop talking to me for saying mine is Meteora. 

HellsBells: Only if you tell me your favorite song off the album is Numb. That’s where I draw the line. 

Emo-ward: While that song isn’t my favorite, it’s pretty good. Anyway, the actual favorite is Somewhere I Belong. 

I thought about that for a minute. I liked that song, but I hadn’t listened to it a lot. I’d have to give it another go. I had Meteora around here somewhere. I found the album in my bookshelf, put it in my portable player, and put the headphones on. I skipped to the right track, and let it play while I answered. 

HellsBells: Not that you asked, but mine is Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes.

Emo-ward: Aggressive. I like it. 

I burst out laughing. Out loud. In my house. On a school night. At eleven. 

“Bella?” my mom called from across the hall. “Are you on the computer?” 

Shit. “Uh… no?”

I heard Mom start giggling. “Go to bed, kid!” 

“Okay!” I grimaced at the screen. No way I was ever going to hear from this guy again. But… I had to try, right? He was funny, and he had great taste in music. 

HellsBells: Well, grandpa, if you can get the orderlies at the nursing home to let you use the computer on Friday, I’ll be here. Until then, I’m not an adult and have to deal with things like school nights. 

Emo-ward: I’m sorry about that. I never sleep, so my school nights are exactly like regular nights. I’ll be here. 

I shook my head at that, holding in a giant smile. You know what, fuck it, I let the smile loose. It wasn’t like he could see me. And I let “Somewhere I Belong” play on repeat until I fell asleep. 

[whatsseobb]

More Than Meets The Eye (Crystal x Gigi Fanfic) - Chapter 3

AO3 Link

[A/N: Hello! I’m sorry this took over a week to be updated. Real life is just getting too much for me but I’m trying my best to write. However, please expect for slow updates. I’m sorry. Thank you for waiting. I hope you enjoy this chapter. 

I hope you enjoy this fic and leave me your thoughts!!]

Synopsis:

Too bad that you couldn’t see

See the girl Crystal could be

There is more that meets the eye

I see the soul that is inside~

Based from Avril Lavigne’s Sk8ter Boi but with different twists.

Chapter Three - Under the Moonlight 

Two vehicles parked along the edge on the hilltop, the overlooking view of the city below them painted their scenery. The lights from below lighted the small cliff, enabling them to have a little source of brightness under than the luminescence brought by the moonlight.

The two groups merged once more as Heidi blasted the music coming from the car’s radio louder for them to all hear. They all gathered by the pick-up truck, getting their red cups once again and cheering.

They were all partying by the back of the car when they realized one person was left inside the car, silently staring at her phone. Jackie went in and talked to Daegen silently which the others tried not to listen to.

It didn’t take a while before the pink-haired girl joined them, bumped her cup and downed her drink before screaming by the cliff, “Fuck all guys! They are all pieces of worthless shit!” She yelled at the top of her lungs which gained a few giggles from the girls before they all said “Yeah!” in agreement to her.

“You know, I don’t think I’m gonna be dating anyone in a long time. I’m going to focus on myself, love myself and all that.” Daegen said in a tone that seems to be trying to convince herself rather than being extremely sure about it.

“What happened back there anyway?” Jan asked as if reading the minds of the whole bunch. True, they were clueless to what took place and they all had no courage to ask during the car ride to the cliff.

Lux was the first to explain, assuming what she might have seen that moment from the party. “Well, Noah suddenly appeared in the party… and was dancing with another girl.” She looked at Daegen to confirm her statement which the pink-haired girl continued.

“Yeah, he told me he was going to rest for the night because he fried his brains out from the exams but…” She shrugged before taking another sip of her drink. “I saw him dancing with this girl from our PE class. She’s not even good at sports. What’s to like about her?”

Widow cleared her throat before she stood up in the middle of the two cars, bopping to the beat that was being played from the radio. “Forget about boys. Speaking of dancing, you should all join me here and dance along.”

Soon after, half of the group joined Widow while the rest stayed at the back of the car, watching their friends. Gigi was sitting at the edge of the truck, letting her feet dangle as she looked at the overlooking view in front of them. Crystal went to sit beside her, joining in her silence. She dug her hand inside her pocket and picked up another cigarette, lighting it up and taking a puff. The blonde just looked at her, tilting her head to the side as she observed the teenager.

Gigi was trying to pinpoint where she might have met her before. The sapphire waves coming down from her head, the silver nose ring, the black and silver earrings on her earlobes, the black blouse topped with a denim jacket, a short black skirt over a stripped black and white tights. They all looked like she have seen it before. The girl beside her looked like trouble, with her blue-hair being the accent against her black and white outfit. She appeared to be like someone Gigi would choose last when asked to pick partners in their PE classes but here she was sitting beside her by the cliff.

“What? Do you want some?” Crystal offered, handing her the roll of cigarette in her fingers. Gigi refused politely, offering her a small smile.

“I don’t smoke. Isn’t that bad for you? Plus you’re also drinking.”

“Well, Ms. Goode, thanks for your concern but I’ll be fine.”

“How did you know me? Do we have classes together?” The blonde tilted her head to the side as she glanced at the person beside her.

“The question is do I attend classes? Haha kidding. I think we used to have History back in second year. Now I’m not entirely sure. Maybe English or Literature?”

“Mhm.” The blonde hummed under her breath, playing with her cup that was placed on her lap. “Since when did you start smoking? Do you always have that with you? Is it like a thing for someone like you?

“What do you mean someone like me? Am I like an alien or something?” Crystal darted her eyes towards the blonde beside her, watching her laugh at her question. “What’s funny about it?”

“No no, I mean, like you. Uhm, people who skates and likes metal rock stuff.” The ballerina was fiddling with her cup, staring at the clear content inside it. She watched the ripples as it bounced against the wall of the container.

“Metal rock stuff? Me? It’s not a match. Wait, do you mean because I dress up like this I like dark stuff already? I mean it’s not offensive but woah with the stereotype.” The sapphire-haired girl placed her hand on her chest, her lips turning into an O-shape as she imitate a hurt gasp, making the girl beside her chuckle lightly.

“Oh my, I’m sorry. It’s just th-“

“Yeah, I know I look like someone who likes those kinds of stuff just because of the way I dress and what I do with my skateboard, but believe me, I’m not. Not that they are not good choices of music tho, it’s just not my style.” Gigi looked down again at her cup, frowning. “Hey, it’s fine. I’m not mad.”

“But I’m really sorry for assuming things. I-“

“I said it’s fine. Come on, chill.” Crystal nudged the girl beside her with her elbow. She took another inhale of her joint before she puffed it out. The other girl just glanced at her with a faint smile on her face before looking at the view in front of them once more. She adjusted her pink jacket wrapping around her shoulders, pulling it tighter closer to her body to feel warmth. Crystal couldn’t help but notice the shifting beside her. She scooted closer towards the blonde. “I have an extra jacket in the truck. Do you want me to get it for you?”

“Oh no need. You can use it later cause I think it’s gonna get colder soon.” The blonde responded as she swing her legs while looking at the horizon. The blue-haired girl jump down from the back of the truck and jogged to get her coat. As Crystal returned back to Gigi’s side, she put it over her shoulder and let her hands rest on them firmly but not too tight.

“I’ll get it from you later when I need it. You can use it for now.”

 Meanwhile, in the makeshift dance floor, the bunch of girls were enjoying the time of their lives. They all cheered, dancing along to the songs in synchrony as if they were all part of a dance group. It was a Britney Spears song that everyone was familiar with. Their giggles and singing echoed the area as they had their little party.

Jan and Jackie paired with each other as they danced to the song. They grooved and swayed their hips to the song as they had a little chat over the loud music.

“You are good at dancing, Jan.” Jackie commented, watching as the other girl in front of her bopped to the beat of the song from the radio.

“Well, of course. I am part of the dance group, remember?” The short blonde took a swig of her drink which caused her to cough a bit as she felt the alcohol run through her throat. “Woah. This is strong. But anyway, you are not bad yourself. You have some good dance moves. You should join us, maybe. So we could get to hang out more!” Jackie shook her head at the suggestion as she took her hand and twirled her around, which made the two laugh.

“I don’t want to embarrass myself any further. Plus, I have the school magazine to focus on to. I like peaceful spaces more.”

“But it’ll be fun. Come on, I can teach you our dance routines some time.” Jan offered as she continued her mini dance.

“No, but thanks, really. I just like dancing here with all of you. Plus dance while drunk is much more fun.”

“Should I always give you drinks just to let loose? I think that would be really bad for you, we both know that.” Jackie took her hand again and spun her around.

“Oh no, I’m sorry.” A light-headed Jan accidentally stepped on the Persian girl’s foot, making her slightly wince in pain. She bent her knee and reached for her foot which Jan held as well, trying to caress it. “I’m really sorry, Ja-“

“Jackie, my name’s Jackie.” The brunette offered her a kind smile as they both tried to sooth the pain on her foot.

“Wait, let me get something cold. Just stay there.” Jan looked around as she tried to locate the pick-up truck with her blurry vision, which was behind Jackie. She hurried towards the car only to bump against Jackie once again. “Oops, I did it again.”

That made the brunette roll her eyes with the joke she tried to share, letting out soft chuckles. “I think it would be best if I go with you. Who knows how many feet you’re going to bump with and step on your way to the car.”  

“Hi Lux. Are you having fun?” Jan noticed Gigi approaching them who was gently swaying her hips as she danced along the music. She met eyes with Jackie who shook her head at the statement of the tipsy girl.

“She surely is drunk. It was Gigi, Jan.” Jackie led the way towards Widow’s car, settling Jan inside before she went to get a cold drink for her feet.

Gigi found Widow and Heidi on their makeshift dance floor as she felt the alcohol kicking in to her system. It helped her loosen up, allowing her to enjoy the music and bop along with her friends even with the company of people she just met. She lifted her arms into the air, feeling the melody flowing through her veins.

Back at the truck, Daya was hanging out with Crystal, the two of them standing and leaning at the roof of the car, watching their friends in their dancefloor. They silently stood by each other, passing the cigarette as they let the other enjoy the winter breeze paired with their joint.

“That Gigi doesn’t seem to be that quiet, hm?” Crystal broke the silence, turning to Daya as she pass the cig to her.

“Is she not? Oh yeah, I saw you two talking earlier. In all fairness, you made her laugh. I thought she’ll be a tough cookie to break even though she seem really soft.” The taller girl commented as she poured some drink onto Crystal’s cup. Daya then followed where the other was looking at before laying her eyes on the girl beside her, letting out a soft sigh.

“She’s quite something…” The smaller one trailed off as she locked her eyes on the ballerina, watching her dance with the bunch of girls. Her hair was flawlessly bouncing against her shoulders as she jumped around to the beat, her giggles echoing onto their small spot by the cliff. Crystal noticed the moonlight reflecting on her as if her skin was glistening under the moon’s touch.

  Present Day, 2020.

 The group were all at their large table by the stage, waiting for the program to officially start. They knew they had come earlier than the time but they did that as to have a longer time to be with their girlfriends as well as to update each other with their current lives. It had been some years since they all came together in one place. They were always incomplete for the past years that they had gathered. Sometimes it would be Lux, Daegen, Daya, and Crystal when they all went to visit Crystal and Lux in California. Sometimes it would be Daegen, Jackie, Jan, and Gigi in the East Coast to watch a musical. There was also a year when they almost were complete. It was during a tour Gigi and her dance company did back in their hometown. Everyone was available that weekend except for Crystal who was having her hell week for her finals in her art degree.

That reunion party was the first time after years that they were complete. Surely, they missed each other. They were all in relief as they all didn’t lose touch of each other especially with the growth of social media back in their college days which made it easier for the group to keep in touch. It also made them be as close as they used to be back in high school. It was as if they were never apart. At least for most of them.

 “I’ll be right back. The band is calling me, I think there’s something wrong with the instruments. Later.” The dark-haired vocalist bid a short goodbye to her girlfriends as she walked back to the side of the stage and approaching her bandmates.

“So Lux, how has it been with you? I heard you started your own small boutique. When we go to San Francisco maybe we can all visit your store.” Jan mentioned as she picked up a piece of nacho chip and shoved it in her mouth, turning to look at the small blonde girl across the table.

“Business is going great, really. Lately, people have been fond of the vintage dresses that I make. They were asking if I also do customized pieces.”

“Do you also do wedding dress, Lux?” Heidi asked from one side of the table, smiling from ear to ear as she shifted her eyes around the table. Eyes darted back on her in confusion. “What? I’m just asking.”

“Is it for a movie? Wow, I thought you have a lot of costume designers already. That would be a pleasure to work in your movie tho. But I don’t make wedding dresses. I can give you some of my friends’ number from college.” Lux took her phone from her small purple bag as she looked for her friends’ contact information.

“Something is fishy here…” Widow shot a look towards the actress as she playfully looked around while whistling. “Hey, don’t tell us…”

Heidi then showed a flashing diamond ring that she wore on her left hand which surprised the whole table. It earned loud squeals and cheers from her girlfriends as they ran towards her. “Oh my gosh, Di, I didn’t know you are getting married!”

“We are so happy for you!”

“Congratulations!” A few of the people around their table looked at their direction since their noise were getting louder but the group didn’t mind. They are used to all the stares they get when they are all having fun.

“Wait, does the media know already? I’m pretty sure I follow all news about you. How come this didn’t come out yet?” Daegen said as she wrapped her arms around Heidi excitedly.

“Well well well, I made sure you all are the first ones to know. He proposed just this last week for our 11th anniversary. Can you believe it? I’m getting hitched!”

“Oh gosh, finally. It’s about time, don’t you think?” The group chuckled at Widow’s statement.

 Out of nowhere, Jan burst into fits of laughter, covering her mouth as she tried to silenced herself but to no avail. The whole table looked at her in confusion as she continued laughing on her own. “Wait wait, hahahaha. I’m sorry. I just… hahahaha…remembered something.”

“It better be worth the laugh or you have to find your new table, Janette.” Daegen threw a table napkin towards her direction but it landed on Widow’s plate. This made the blonde laugh some more. Jackie had to offer her a glass of water to help her calm down.

“Okay, so here it goes. I suddenly remembered this thing back in high school. I am not sure if we were friends already but it did happen during dance rehearsals and the table napkin is so funny as if it read my mind because it was a story about Widow.” The taller girl shot daggers through her eyes towards Jan’s direction, murmuring “don’t you dare.”

“I love you, Widow.” Jan mouthed back before continuing with her story. “Alright, so dance rehearsals. We were all there, of course practicing and then suddenly, we heard a very loud ‘WHERE IS MY GODDAMN PHONE’ from the front of the stage. We were about to have a run-through of our routine but her phone was “missing”.” She did some air quotes with her fingers.

Gigi, who was on her phone, started giggling as well as she remembered the story Jan was referring to. “Widow just got mad at us and we have no idea why because we were all on our own groups stretching and warming up for the rehearsals.”

“Then Widow said, ‘I swear, if you all don’t bring out my phone right now, y���all have to stay here and do ten extra laps around the auditorium. ‘ We all looked at each other, then Heidi started laughing. I swear I thought my cheeks were burning that time because I was so scared for her.” Jan reached out her hand and placed it above Heidi’s who gently caressed it back. “We were all trying to stop Heidi from laughing until she pointed to the metal box Widow was holding back then. I swear she was so scary but it was so funny watching her get mad at us for that.”

The whole table started to burst into loud cackles as they listened to what Jan shared to them. They didn’t even notice Gigi excusing herself as she half-ran towards the exit with her phone in her hand, hurrying towards a much quieter place.

She reached the outside of the building, standing beside a small tree as she answered the call from someone. She talked for a few minutes before she turned back aiming for the door until a figure at the corner of her eyes caught her attention. She was wearing sparkly silver jacket and some tight leather pants, paired with black boots which was hard to miss. In the middle of her finger was a thin stick of cigarette, its smoke fuming into the air. Gigi was supposed to ignore it and go back to her friends when she heard, “Hey.”

She was stopped on her tracks, her mind wandering aimlessly as she looked down at her phone. She inhaled a deep breath, fixing the strands of hair falling onto her face, before glancing to the direction of the voice. “Oh hi.”

“I just came out to get some fresh air. Are they all having fun inside? Uhm, do you want some?” Crystal offered her a stick which Gigi politely refused.

“You know I don’t smoke.” Gigi glided towards where Crystal was, leaning her side against a column.

“Oh yeah, Ms. Goode.  I remember that.” The smaller girl exhaled a chuckle as she shook her head before taking a puff of her stick.

“I thought you stopped.” It came out more like a statement rather than question as Gigi focused her eyes on her shoe, her right foot rocking back and forth as she waited for a reply.

“There are just some things that are harder to quit.”

Silence enveloped the atmosphere as they both slowly realize what Crystal’s words meant. It had been a really long time, years even, since they have been left alone with just each other’s company. The first time they met were similar to their situation now, awkward, back in the first party they attended together but things quickly changed between the two. They grew close together, comfortable with each other’s’ presence. They were friends, to say the least, always looking out for each other, searching for one another when times of need. However, they seemed to be back to square one.

They both were caught off guard when they heard some footsteps towards their spot. Crystal then felt a pair of long arms hovering over her shoulder, wrapping her into a back hug. “There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you. We’re about to start performing again. You should go back inside,” said the person behind her.

[jackie-talks-about-starkid]

Starship (Rewatch #4, 9/30/2020)

YouTube publish date: April 30, 2011

Number of views on date of rewatch: 4,171, 828

Original Performance Run: February 11-23, 2011 at the Hoover-Leppen Theatre in Chicago

Ticket price: $25

Director: Matt Lang

Music and Lyrics: Darren Criss

Book: Brian Holden, Matt Lang, Nick Lang, and Joe Walker

Cast album price and availability: $8.91 on Amazon and iTunes

     Release date: April 29, 2011

Parody or original: original content, inspired by Starship Troopers, The Little Mermaid, and Alien

Main cast and characters:

Bug - Joey Richter

February - Denise Donovan

Commander Up - Joe Walker

Taz/Buggette - Lauren Lopez

Tootsie Noodles/Pincer - Dylan Saunders

Mega-Girl - Meredith Stepien

Junior - Brian Holden

Roach - Brant Cox

Specs - Julia Albain

Krayonder - Joe Moses

Musical numbers

Act I

“I Wanna Be” Characters: Bug, Roach, and Ensemble (playing inhabitants of the Bug World)

“Get Back Up” Characters: Taz, Up, and Starship Rangers

“Life” Characters: Bug

“Hideous Creatures” Characters: Starship Rangers and Bugs

“Kick It Up A Notch” Characters: Pincer, The Mosquitoes, and Bug

“Status Quo” Characters: Bug

Act II

“The Way I Do” Characters: Tootsie Noodles, Mega-Girl, February, and Bug

“Beauty” Characters: Roach and Bugs

“Kick It Up A Notch (Reprise)” Characters: Junior

“Beauty” Characters: Company

Notable Notes:

This production won the 2011 “Best New Work” award from BroadwayWorld’s Chicago theatre awards

Starship is Starkid’s first show that they produced independently from the University of Michigan! The show opened in Chicago, where the following few shows were produced before a majority of the most active members moved to Los Angeles prior to The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals, which opened in 2018

StarKid had their own short segment on MTV that highlighted certain aspects of the production such as Criss’ music and the puppetry (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlnIXIGrjVg). At that point in time, Darren Criss was already a television favorite due to his role as Blaine Anderson on Glee, who joined the cast during its second season

The show’s cast album debuted at number one on Billboard’s Top Cast Albums within three days of its release and at the 134th spot during that week’s Billboard’s Top 200 chart (x)

The opening sequence features cameos from other StarKid members such as Chris Allen, Tyler Brunsman, Richard Campbell, Britney Coleman, Arielle Goldman, Devin Lytle, Lily Marks, Nicholas Joseph Strauss-Matathia, and Brian Rosenthal.The same sequence was narrated by actor Bob Joles (AKA Man Ray in Spongebob Squarepants)

***Fun Facts provided by Abby:

Nick and Dylan think the worst StarKid song is ‘Hideous Creatures’

During a rehearsal, Joey told Nick that he thought the choreography for ‘Beauty’ was boring. Then Nick asked him, “Do you want to choreograph the number?" and then walked out of the room.

There was a theoretical sequel to Starship in which Taz and Up arrest Spaceclaw but get injured by an explosion. Up ends up in the hospital because of his injuries, and while Taz waits for him to heal, she has flashbacks of when they first met and the missions they went on together (Taz’s quinceañera, etc.)

Lauren: I'd like to imagine that Taz has that same hairstyle just in a big quinceañera dress

Once during rehearsal, they were all in a bad mood during ‘Beauty’. Darren wanted to surprise the cast with a visit, so he burst into the theatre singing the song and was just met by silence

At LeakyCon 2014 on Orlando, StarKid were invited as guests and performed a staged reading of a one-act sequel to Starship called Starship: Requiem.

Official synopsis: The story follows the adventures of Mega-Girl the robot and her half-witted Starship Ranger husband. The newlyweds are sucked into a black hole of trouble when they go to visit Mega-Girl’s human-hating family, including her overbearing mother-unit, her jealous sister-unit and the return of her hunky ex-boyfriend-unit. (x)

Cultural Context: 2011

The production’s MTV segment aired a little over a week after Glee’s “Original Song” episode, which featured Kurt and Blaine’s long-awaited first kiss [rip Pavarotti]

Prince William and Kate Middleton get married

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 premieres on July 15th

Beyoncé announces her pregnancy during her performance at the MTV Video Music Awards

“Friday” by Rebecca Black gets released in March

In early May, President Obama announces that Osama bin Laden was killed by U.S. forces

New York becomes the sixth state to legalize same-sex marriage on June 24th

The 9/11 Memorial Museum opens to the public on the tenth anniversary of the attacks

Content Analysis:

During my time on social media, I have found that Starship is one of the StarKid shows that gets discussed the least. Up until the show’s debut in StarKid’s history, the only shows they’ve done were AVPM and AVPS, both major viral hits, and MAMD, which reached popularity partly because it was released after StarKid became known for AVPM. Coming off of their great and unexpected successes with these productions, one would think that there would be a bigger fandom for Starship. It’s their second show that is based on original content rather than being a parody, and the production quality is the strongest in their repertoire, considering the funds they gained from their album sales for MAMD and their growing merchandise sales for their Potter musical series.

Personally, it’s one of my favorite StarKid shows because of the production quality and because the performances are so strong. Joey Richter makes a perfect leading man, and seeing how his general abilities as a performer have grown since MAMD has been delightful. His vocal range got stronger and more pronounced and he has a very confident stage presence, especially since Starship was StarKid’s first production independent of the University of Michigan’s monetary assistance and performance space. Lauren Lopez and Dylan Saunders do such an incredible job at playing two completely different characters themselves within the same show. Saunders plays Tootsie Noodles, a lovable idiot with a heart of gold who falls in love with a robot of all things, while also playing Pincer, the villainous instigator of the plot. Lopez has a similar about-face in character portrayal. She plays Buggette, a bug who’s in a helpless one-sided romantic relationship with Bug, and then two seconds later Lopez transforms into Taz, a kickass Latina Starship Ranger with excellent comedic presence and the undisputed leader of the group before Up regains his confidence as commander.

Starship is very unique in that about half of the characters in the show are portrayed by puppets, which themselves are incredibly designed, but unlike other productions that use puppets, they do not detract from the actor’s performance of the character. StarKid did a very good job in ensuring that the puppets are not a gimmick, but rather a compliment, to their individual actor’s portrayal of the character. All actors who play puppet roles do such a great job of vocalizing their character that, despite the design of the puppet not having the ability to change facial features, make the puppets feel so alive that it’s almost like watching a live-action animated movie (the good kind we’ve yet to experience, not the Disney kind). If there is any one thing that Starship represents for the company as a whole, it’s that character creation and embodiment make up the heartblood of the performances. Aside from the vocal performances, the facial expressions and physicality of the performances add so much to the puppetry performances, even when the focus on the character isn’t their physical representation but their dialogue and place in the plot. Regardless of whether or not the recording is emphasizing the puppet itself during a scene, the actor controlling the puppet is using perfect facial expressions and has matching body language with the puppet, which not only helps the actor stay in character, but gives more life to the puppet itself.

While I am eternally grateful that StarKid to this day ensures that their musical productions are put on YouTube for free, there are two very clear downsides that make themselves especially present in the recording. One is that, unlike in live theatre where any audience member can choose who and what to look at onstage at any given time, the camera is the one dictating what each audience member can focus on. Generally speaking, that isn’t too much of a detriment as most of the shots StarKid uses tend to showcase the most important characters during each scene, which any audience member would do if they were to attend a production live, but because StarKid members are so adept at character performance, it really makes me wish that I can look more at the ensemble’s performances during group scenes, or secondary character’s reactions during smaller scenes in which their character may not be the main focus.

Another thing was the general editing style. Though it did not necessarily take away anything from the performance itself or make watching the recording any less enjoyable, there were some editing choices that I felt were too distracting for what the scene called for in the show. For example, when Crayonder mentions to Taz that he thinks that Commander Up has “gone soft” since the injury he sustained in the Robot War, twice does the camera pause on his face and a record scratch and ‘booooo’ track is heard overlaid onto the scene. I understand the comedic nature of that bit in retrospect, but for a viewer, regardless of whether or not they are watching the show for the first time, it’s very distracting and forcibly shifts the audience’s focus on the story and the characters to a one-off joke. For a first-time viewer, that editing choice especially does not have as much impact as it does for a recurring viewer, as at that point in the story, the audience is only just being introduced to the characters and has no personal connection to Up and his backstory, making the effect of the joke less successful. As well, throughout the recording, and during the first act in particular, the show has a lot of quick and experimental cuts in the frame that I feel don’t allow the audience to sit enough with the action and the performance happening onstage, instead making the audience pay more attention to quick facial gestures rather than allowing the audience to take in the performance of an individual actor or an entire scene as a whole. Overall, the editing just reminds me that I am watching this beautifully done live-performance through a screen rather than being there for the performance in person, and lessens the potential impact of the recording as a whole.

Regardless of the editing, Starship still has some of the best character performances and musical numbers in StarKid’s production history. One that really stood out for me during this rewatch was Denise Donovan’s portrayal of February. Her character gets introduced as a classic ditzy character who initially doesn’t have a lot of agency in the story, but through good writing and likable performance, grows into the most sympathetic and dynamic character in the show. Donovan’s performance makes February more human than the trope she represents, and plays off her character so well that her jokes make her more endearing than a throw-away character that’s used just for laughs and a love-interest. Starkid tends to do this with a lot of the trope-y roles that they write for their productions . The writing and the direction have a very unique way of taking seemingly predictable, one-dimensional characters and fleshing them out into entire human beings with backstories and arcs, making their comedic impact all the more enjoyable because the audience genuinely likes them.

[therandomfics]

Coffee’s For Closers: 6

Emma came home sometime shortly after Sonny left for the night. It wasn’t surprising that she came home late, it was just surprising that she came home the way that she did. She had her arms full of shopping bags from high end retailers you couldn’t pronounce, her hair was a new color and it looked like she’d spent a solid hour and a half inside of Sephora before she went out. 

“I haven’t seen you since last night, Emma.” 

She stopped at her bed and unloaded her arms. “I know, I’m sorry. I was busy,” she said dismissively and began unbagging her items. 

“You missed work, too,” you added with a frown. 

“I quit, actually. I forgot to tell you.” 

“What? How are you going to pay your half of the bills?” 

She turned to face you with a smug smirk. “I have my ways.” 

“Does it have any correlation to what happened last night?” you asked, brow arched curiously. 

“Actually yeah. I’ve been going to these clubs since I was about 21. I thought it was all fun at first but I’ve got guys who will legitimately pay my bills if I sleep with them,” she explained cheerfully. 

“Emma, I think that’s prostitution.” 

“No, I’m a sugar baby. Sometimes I don’t even need to sleep with them! They get one look at me without my panties on and I’m set for the week.” 

She was so cheerful - too cheerful for your liking. It wasn’t adding up, and though you didn’t want to shame her for her choices, you couldn’t figure out how she would be comfortable with that lifestyle choice only a week or two after being sexually assaulted. 

“What are you going to do about Kenny?” 

“He apologized. He was just angry,” she explained with a shrug. “I’m still not going to take him back. He doesn’t make enough money to support my needs and wants, plus he’s kind of vanilla for my liking. Speaking of, did you have a great time last night?” 

Your head spun with her nonchalant attitude about everything that had happened. Choosing to ignore her question, you pushed on about her assault. “What happened, Emma? You know the police are still trying to figure it out and they’re not going to leave you alone until you explain what happened. You can’t outcry and then take it back.” 

“It’s nothing,” she snapped and shut her door in your face. Obviously it was something, just not something that she was prepared to discuss at that given moment. 

“Emma,” you called out through her door with a sigh. “I’m not trying to be an asshole, honestly. I just want to make sure you’re okay. I don’t want it to happen again, that’s all. He’s dangerous, you know he is, so do something about it. Protect yourself and anyone else he might encounter.” 

You heard the music in her room start up and grow louder; her intent to drown you out was successful. 

A few days passed before you saw your roommate again. She was giving direction to a few delivery men as they dropped off and set up her new bedroom furniture. She had also purchased a relatively luxurious new MacBook, which was residing on a brand new glass top desk. Apparently she was doing well for herself. You confessed to yourself that you were jealous, especially when you looked at your own room and it’s lack of proper furnishing, but you wanted to believe it was her way of grieving. 

“Y/N,” Emma called out, standing in the living room after the men had left. “I need to talk to you.” 

“About?” you called from your room, leaning over in your desk chair to peer out at her. 

“About what happened.” She walked into your room and sat on your bed with a huff. “Let me talk. Don’t interrupt.” 

You nodded and closed your laptop to listen to her. 

“Kenny found out what I was doing at those clubs. He didn’t realize where I was going all the time, but he knew something was going on. I made - don’t get mad okay? - I made a dating profile and I used your pictures. Mainly your face. You look innocent and endearing. I used my body. Let’s face it.. my body,” she gestured up and down her torso. “Anyway, I got a message from Kenny one day. It took him about three weeks to figure out he wasn’t talking to you. He genuinely thought you had a thing for him. But he finally got smart and realized that those pictures were of my body, not yours. He was furious, and wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing.” She stopped and looked at you for any reaction, but you remained stoic. “He hacked into my email, found my bank statement and saw I had been at Le Morte, The Dungeon, Paddles, and a few other places. He followed me around until he found me at The Dungeon. My fetish usually means I wear a blindfold and I’m tied down to the bed, or whatever we’re using.” 

Your face was pale and blank as you listened to Emma so casually explain her actions and her fetishes. Remaining silent, you merely nodded in response. 

“Well, I thought I was meeting this guy named Brent. Turns out, I was meeting Kenny, and with me being tied down, I couldn’t do anything. He took advantage of the situation, slapped me around some and threatened to tell you everything. So that’s why I said he raped me,” she concluded with a shrug. “What do you think I should have done?” 

“I.. mean, Emma, if you didn’t want to have sex with him, that’s rape. Boyfriend or not. Truthfully it’s fucked up that you’d let him think I was interested in him at all when you know I find him repulsive and insensitive, but I guess that’s irrelevant because I already knew that.” 

“How did you know?” she demanded, sitting up straight. 

“The Detectives at SVU found your photos of me. Or, us really, I guess. Anyway they know you go to The Dungeon and they know now that you’ve been catfishing people. Is that how this whole thing started? You conned guys online but realized you could get more money in person?” 

“I know you’re pissed because it’s not something you’d be able to do but you don’t need to be so judgmental,” she hissed and stood up abruptly. “Whatever, I’m not pressing charges against Kenny for what he did because it was part of the game.” 

“Fine. That’s stupid, but that’s your choice. If you’d please close the door on your way out I’d appreciate it. I’ve got to finish this paper,” you replied flatly and turned back to your desk, opening your laptop and resuming your work. 

Sunday mornings were always your scheduled day off, and Sonny took advantage of that fact by meeting you for breakfast at a place that served more than coffee and pastries. Over pancakes and orange juice you explained the conversation you and Emma had, and how insane you thought she had become recently. 

“I’m not even sure where to go from here,” you admitted and pushed a piece of pancake through a river of syrup. “She got her boyfriend to think I wanted him, while she was with him, and then he found out what she was doing and got his revenge by having sex with her while she was blindfolded, thinking it was someone else.” 

Sonny, who had seen and heard of much worse, was not nearly as alarmed as you were. “You can’t try to rationalize what people do, Y/N. I know you want to but stop, you’re just gonna make yourself mad,” he insisted and reached across the table for your free hand. 

“It makes me feel relatively unsafe,” you confessed and placed your hand in his. “I should just be thankful that she’s not inviting random men over to hook up, though she’s not doing much better by meeting random men out in public.. whatever, who am I to judge?” 

“She dropped the charges,” he said after a moment. “Fin’s pretty pissed because of the time and energy he put into getting the proper evidence to prove it was rape. Then, Emma admits it was rape to you, and drops the charges with us. I don’t understand her either, but I’ll just be thankful that this situation gave me the chance to find you.” 

“Stop being so nice,” you muttered and tried to pull your hand away. 

Sonny stopped you and tugged your hand back so that he could grab it again. “Stop fighting me. You deserve to be treated like a princess.” 

Back at your apartment, you had planned on changing your sheets, doing a few loads of laundry, meal prepping some for the up coming week, and getting ahead on the mountains of research you still had to do. You stepped off the elevator as you toyed with your phone, trying to find the right music to listen to so that you’d be motivated and bumped into a man getting on. 

“Sorry,” you called out, but he couldn’t hear you with his own ear buds in. You hated the city sometimes, even though you were just as guilty when it came to being negligent. 

The door to your apartment was open when you arrived. Music was playing in Emma’s room as usual, which meant she was home. Obviously in addition to being an escort or whatever she was, she was an idiot. Leaving the door open in your building was an invitation for God only knew what. 

“Hey! You left the door open, jackass,” you called out and kicked it shut. Emma didn’t reply; probably couldn’t hear you due to the music. You marched across the kitchen and down the hall to her room, knocking loudly. Still, no answer. “Emma?” 

The playlist started over again - it was one you knew too well. First it was three of her favorite Britney Spears songs, followed by what you thought was a country-pop crossover group but it might have just been country, then her goth phase of one Evanesance song, and to wrap it up, six different songs by Beyonce. 

Slowly, you opened her door - careful not to interrupt whatever she might have been doing, and also so that you didn’t scare her. When you finally pushed it open, you saw her feet sticking out from the space between her bed and the wall. You were already calling 911 to report it by the time you realized that your roommate was bleeding from her head and her thighs. 

Sonny met you at the hospital and joined you in the waiting area for critical care. Emma had suffered blood loss, sexual assault, and blunt force trauma to the back of her head. You left the key to your apartment with Tutuola and insisted you’d get it back later; you had no desire to return to the apartment now. Emma’s mother and father showed up an hour after you called them and fell apart when the doctor explained that they were performing surgery to stop a hemorrhage to her reproductive organs. Whoever attacked Emma had left her for dead. If you hadn’t gotten home when you did, she might very well be dead. However, if you’d been home when she got attacked, you might be in the same situation that Emma was in, too. 

“I ran into someone when I was getting off the elevator to our floor, Sonny. Can you please let Lieutenant Benson know? I know they’ve got cameras. We fought to get them installed,” you said quietly, trying not to let Emma’s parents hear you. 

Sonny stepped out for a while, making his calls and giving his updates to his team. He wasn’t able to be apart of the investigation, you knew, but at least he could be there with you and Emma’s parents for support. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Paulson, I’m so sorry that this has happened,” you soothed as you approached the distraught parents of your roommate. “I just wanted you to know that if there’s anything I can do, I’m here.” 

“Thank you, Y/N. We didn’t realize she’d gotten so bad again,” Mrs. Paulson sobbed, burying her face into her husband’s shoulder. “We should have known.” 

“I’m sorry, what do you mean again?” you inquired as you sat down across from them. “She’s been good as long as I’ve known her.” 

Mr. Paulson spoke up, rubbing his wife’s back. “Emma’s got bipolar disorder and she stopped taking her medicine. We only know this because we track her bank account and she’s never once made a pharmacy purchase. She never gave us any indications that she wasn’t taking it anymore, so we just assumed she was paying cash.” 

Emma had at least six cards in her wallet at any given time - credit, debit, whatever they were. Obviously she was keeping something - or some things - from her parents, beyond her means of income. “The proper authorities have been informed and I’m positive they’ll be here soon to help shed some light on the situation. Meanwhile, let’s just pray for Emma’s speedy recovery. If you’ll excuse me,” you concluded and stood up to walk outside. Nothing made sense right now and you wanted to let Sonny know as soon as possible. 

Sonny was outside on his phone, pacing back and forth while he explained something very heatedly to the receiving of his call. When he saw you, his voice dropped and he quickly got off the phone. “You okay?” 

You nodded and motioned for him to go back inside with you. “Emma’s parents told me some important information. I know you’re not on the case but I think it’s important that they speak to someone from your squad. They said Emma has bipolar disorder and hasn’t been medicated - they also said they only know of one bank account of hers but I know there’s at least six different forms of payment in her wallet. It could be any of those... friends of hers that did this.” 

Sonny nodded and waited for you to keep walking. Usually he would have put his arms around you but perhaps the stress of the situation was causing him anxiety. “What did you do after we left breakfast?” 

“What?” 

“What did you do...” he paused and clenched his jaw. “After we left breakfast.” 

“I went home.” 

“You called 911 at 10:23. I left you at 9:30. It took you over 45 minutes to get home two blocks away?” 

“Well yeah. I stopped the market. Meal prep, remember? I told you I wanted to do it today,” you explained, narrowing your eyes at Sonny. “Why? Do you think I did this to her?” 

He shook his head and looked at you incredulously. “No, what? No. I just want to know why CSU found fluids in your bed.” 

“Fluids?” you repeated. 

“Yeah, fluids, like semen.” 

“You think I had time to go home and have sex with someone before realizing that Emma was hurt? The door to my apartment was open when I got home, Sonny. I didn’t have time to fuck anyone and I surely wouldn’t have gone home to have sex if I found my door wide open and my roommate wasn’t responding after I called out to her repeatedly. You’re an asshole,” you concluded and shoved him out of your way. “Just leave, alright? I can’t believe you.” 

“I’m sorry, I just..” 

“What, got worried? Got insecure? Thought maybe I’d find someone who was better than you?” you snapped and continued down the hall, back to the waiting area. “Welcome to my thought process on the daily. Find another rebound, I’m kind of busy.” 

[fy-girls-generation]

[INTERVIEW TRANSLATION] SNSD in W Korea (August 2017)

source

trans by SonexStella

[chefalier]

SANJI/PUDDING FANMIX: FACADE

facade (n): show, front, appearance, illusion, mask, veil, cloak, masquerade

“A relationship is built on the top of facade when two people step on a royal wedding which is full of conspiracy. When sacrifice is an illusion, trust is betrayed, love is just a game, and tears are shed; which side will win in the end? The actor behind his mask or the actress behind her veil?”

>> LISTEN on Youtube or Spotify

This is a collaboration fanmix made by me and @douxpudding​. Tracks are arranged by chapter order from 845-864, better not to play in shuffle. Annotation/Lyrics snippet are under the cut.

1. Damien Rice - My Favorite Faded Fantasy (You could be my favorite place I’ve ever been. I got lost in your willingness to dream within the dream. I’ve hung my happiness upon what it all could be with you. You could hold the secrets that save me from myself. I could love you more than life if I wasn’t so afraid.)

2. Paramore - Idle Worship (Standing here like I’m supposed to say something. Don’t hold your breath, I never said I’d save you, honey. If I was you, I’d run from me or rip me open. Be sure to put your faith in something more. I got your hopes up. Now I got you hoping but I’m gonna be the one that let you down.)

3. Arctic Monkey - R U Mine? (She’s a silver lining lone ranger riding through an open space in my mind when she’s not right there beside me. I go crazy ‘cause here isn’t where I wanna be. I guess what I’m trying to say is I need the deep end. Great escape lost track of time and space. She’s a silver lining climbing on my desire. Are you mine tomorrow?)

4. Garbage - Only Happy When It Rains (I know you can’t appreciate it. I love it when the news is bad and why it feels so good to feel so sad.  I only smile in the dark. I didn’t accidentally tell you that. You’ll get the message by the time I’m through when I complain about me and you.  You wanna hear about my new obsession? Pour your misery down on me.)

5. Royal Blood - You Can be So Cruel (I’m outside your window, I’m outside your door. Well, I’ve never been this down before and it shows. Killing me so gently, hands right round my throat. Choking me so slowly, slashing every words down to the bone.)

6. 30 Seconds to Mars - A Beautiful Lie (Lie awake in bed at night and think about your life. Do you want to be different? Try to let go of the truth. It’s the perfect denial. Such a beautiful lie to believe in. So beautiful, it makes me. I’m running around in circles, baby. A quiet desperation is building higher. I’ve got to remember this is just a game.)

7. Taylor Swift - Blank Space (Nice to meet you. I could show you incredible things: magic, madness, heaven, sin. Saw you there and I thought, “Oh my God, look at that face.” You look like my next mistake. Love is a game, want to play?I can read you like a magazine. I’m dying to see how this one ends. I can make a bad guy good in a weekend. It’s gonna go down in flame. The high was worth the pain. Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream. It’ll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.)

8. Muse - Dead Inside (Unleash a million drones and confine me then erase me, babe. Do you have no soul? It’s like it died long ago. On the outside you’re ablaze and alive but you’re dead inside. Feel me now, hold me please. I need you to see who I am. Open up to me. Stop hiding from me. It’s hurting, babe. Only you can stop the pain. Don’t leave me out in the cold. Don’t leave me out to die. I gave you everything. You’ve taught me to lie without a trace and to kill with no remorse. On the outside I’m the greatest guy, now I’m dead inside!)

9. Breaking Benjamin - Evil Angel (Hold it together, birds of a feather. Nothing but lies and crooked wings. I have the answer, spreading the cancer. You are the faith inside me. Hiding betrayal. Driving the nail. Hoping to find a savior.  No, don’t leave me to die here. Help me survive here. Put me to sleep, evil angel. Why can’t I breathe?)

10. CHVRCHES - Gun (You had better run from me with everything you own. ‘Cause I am gonna come for you with all that I have. I am gonna break you down to tiny, tiny parts. Take a good swing at me and everything is even.  No place for promises here. You better run. Hide, I have burned your bridges. I will be a gun. And it’s you I’ll come for. And I’m gonna see that you won’t go far. )

11. Bon Jovi - You Give Love A Bad Name (An angel’s smile is what you sell. You promise me heaven, then put me through hell. You’re a loaded gun, there’s nowhere to run. Paint your smile on your lips. Blood red nails on your fingertips. A school boy’s dream, you act so shy. Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye. I play my part and you play your game.)

12. Katy Perry - Dark Horse (I knew you were gonna come to me and here you are. But you better choose carefully ‘cause I’m capable of anything and everything. Make me your Aphrodite, make me your one and only. But don’t make me your enemy.  I’m coming at you like a dark horse. Are you ready for a perfect storm? ‘Cause once you’re mine, there’s no going back. It’s a yes or no, no maybe. Give it all to me.)

13. The Cab - Animal (Girl, you locked the door behind you when you walked into my room. And your eyes have got me thinking that maybe there’s a different side of you. Crawling on your hands and knees slowly over to me, reach out to touch my face. Anticipation. Push me up against the wall, whispers and nicks and all these tricks you try and pull. Manipulation. My heart may be missing. But I’ll sink my teeth right into it. My eyes and my mouth agree. You’ll be coming home with me.)

14. Backstreet Boys - Masquerade (This scene’s so hypnotic. Smoking mirrors, lights, and magic. There’s soldier boys, beauty queens. It’s got me losing control. It’s a masquerade, a love parade. Just like a perfect dream. I don’t ever wanna leave. A thousand freaks in the show. One’s a tiger, one’s a lynx. One’s a king that suffering. Moving high, moving low. Burning, can’t you see it in my eyes? Wanna play in this game of disguise. I gotta know the girl behind the mask, don’t pretend. Show your face to me, we could be everything.)

15. Britney Spears - Circus (Well baby, I’m a put-on-a-show kinda girl. I’m like the ringleader. I call the shots. I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins. Spotlight on me and I’m ready to break. Better be ready, hope that you feel the same.  All the eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus. When I crack that whip, everybody gonna trip. There’s only two types of guys out there: ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared. So baby, I hope that you came prepared. I run a tight ship, so beware. Follow me, show me what you can do.)

16. Portishead - Sour Times ( To pretend no one can find the fallacies of morning rose. Forbidden fruit, hidden eyes, courtesies that I despise in me. End the vows, no need to lie, enjoy.  Take a ride, take a shot now. After time the bitter taste of innocence, decent or race. Scattered seeds, buried lives. Mysteries of our disguise revolve, circumstance will decide.)

17. Natalie Grant - The Real Me (Do I let it show, does anybody know? But you see the real me. Hiding in my skin, broken from within. Unveil me completely. I’m loosening my grasp. There’s no need to mask my frailty. Painted on, life is behind a mask. Self-inflicted circus clown. What a mess I’ve made of my existence. Wonderful, beautiful is what you see. When you look at me, you’re turning the tattered fabric of my life into a perfect tapestry.)

18. Pink - It’s All Your Fault (It’s all your fault. You called me beautiful. You turned me out. And now I can’t turn back. I hold my breath because you were perfect. But I’m running out of air and it’s not fair. I would never pull the trigger. But I’ve cried wolf a thousand times. I wish you could feel as bad as I do. I have lost my mind.)

19. Royal Blood - Little Monster (I got my eye on you. Where are you going, where you running to? Hey little monster, you know it’s all ok. I’m gonna love you, no matter what you say. I got love on my fingers, lust on my tongue. You say you got nothing, so come out and get some. Heartache to Heartache, I’m your man.  Tell me what’s on your mind, where’ve you been hiding? Can I come this time? So pleased to please you, let me discover. )

20. Ellie Goulding - Only You (Only you can be the aching in my heart. My enemy, the only animal I couldn’t fight. You hold me in the dark when storms arrive. Only you can see the emptiness I feel when you’re with me. When everything you say, baby, I’m on my knees.)

[smilingformoney]

It Lives in the Woods Walkthrough: Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen: In Memoriam

-If you survived

Choose Your Look -Sweater Weather -Da Bomb -Rock N Roll High School

You: I've been... -In college. -Working. -Taking it easy.

You: I'm... -Doing good, actually. -Hanging in there. -A total mess.

Who do you text? -Connor -Stacy -Lucas -Ava -Andy -No one

-If Lily survived and broke up with Britney

Lily: Brit... -I'm proud of you! -This is all you. -What do you want, a cookie?

Lily: Shannon, this is... -An old friend. -Someone who also went to Westchester. -Britney.

Lily: Honestly... -I'm perfect. -Not really.

-If Lily survived and stayed with Britney

Lily: Brit... -I'm honestly fine. -I'm kinda freaking out. -I don't want to talk about it...

Lily: Come on... -Remember what we talked about! -Mind your own business.

Lily: Being mean in reverse? -That makes NO sense! -That's genius.

Lily: Britney... -I love you too. -I know.

-If Andy survived

Andy: Uh... -What's bad? I'm fine! -Yeah... it's bad.

Andy: But what if... -I can't pull my weight? -The team starts hating me again?

Andy: (I'll pass to...) -Ben's hands! -Ben's face!

-If Stacy survived

Stacy: Things? You mean like... -School? -Work? -My love life?

Stacy: Honestly? -Yeah. -No. -I don't think I have a choice.

-If Lucas survived

Lucas: Uh...? -Nope, no problem here. -Just a little disappointed.

Lucas: The thing is, last year... -I worked myself way too hard. -I had a traumatic experience.

Lucas: Was it because I... -Used a fun title font? -Used the word 'juxtapose' too much?

-If Ava survived

Ava: Yeah, well... -Cora would've wanted me to have it. -Someone has to continue her work. -I do what I want.

Ava: But what about... -The bear attack? -The spiders in the gym? -That thing where you were a zombie?

Ava: The memorial? -Yeah, I'll be there. -Maybe. -Will there be hugging?

-If Dan survived

Dan: Oh yeah? -Why play if it's stupid? -Is it any fun?

Dan: Izzy... -Do you want to talk about it? -We don't have to talk.

Dan: (I should say...) -What have you heard? -Don't worry about it.

Dan: Izzy... -Relax. -It's not a contest.

-If Noah survived

Noah: I’m from… -Nowhere. -Around here. -Oregon.

Noah: (I should say…) -I like the food. -I like being around people.

Noah: (I should…) -Go back and leave a tip. -Get out of here.

You should… -Show the video! -Skip it.

Connor: (I should…) -Tell the truth! -Keep my mouth shut.

REMEMBER… -Cora

Connor: Cora… -Deserved our respect. -Is someone I wish I knew.

-If Lily died

REMEMBER... -Lily

Connor: But what impressed me more was... -How smart she was. -Her bravery.

Connor: Most of all, because... -I could've looked out for her. -She was a good friend.

-If Andy died

REMEMBER... -Andy

Connor: Andy taught the other kids to be... -Daring. -Tough.

Connor: We'll remember him for his... -Determination. -Skill.

-If Stacy died

REMEMBER... -Stacy

Connor: I wish she'd... -Asked me for help. -Been more selfish sometimes.

Connor: Starting with... -My temper. -Listening more.

-If Lucas died

REMEMBER... -Lucas

Connor: But even as an underclassman, he was... -Ambitious. -Charistmastic.

Connor: Like how to... -Take care of yourself. -Deal with overbearing parents.

-If Ava died

REMEMBER... -Ava

Connor: But that only made her... -Weirder. -Tougher

Connor: But under that tough exterior, Ava... -Had a good heart. -Wanted to be understood.

-If Dan died

REMEMBER... -Dan

Connor: Maybe the best we can do is... -Keep at it. -Back off.

Connor: The fact is... -No one's perfect. -We can't let that stop us.

REMEMBER… -Devon

Connor: And… -You’d changed so much. -You were exactly the same.

Connor: What if I’d… -Made you stay? -Gone with you?

-If you survived

You should… -Show the video! -Skip it.

You: (I should…) -Tell the truth! -Keep my mouth shut.

REMEMBER… -Cora

You: She was… -A good person, deep down. -Cranky, but in the best way.

-If Lily died

REMEMBER… -Lily

You: But Lily was also… -Kind. -Brave.

You: Lily… -Stayed true to who she was. -Kept smiling.

-If Andy died

REMEMBER… -Andy

You: Andy was… -The sweetest guy I ever met. -Incredibly loyal.

You: We should all honour Andy by… -Chasing our dreams. -Laughing more.

-If Stacy died

REMEMBER… -Stacy

You: I wish you could have seen… -Her courage. -Her actual smile.

You: Stacy… -Kept me going. -Was too selfless for her own good.

-if Lucas died

REMEMBER… -Lucas

You: What impressed me most was Lucas’s… -Intellect. -Ambition. -Passion.

You: I hope he took comfort in… -Reuniting with old friends. -Protecting his hometown.

-If Ava died

REMEMBER… -Ava

You: I wanted to know Ava because… -She was so cool. -She seemed lonely.

You: Ava… -Challenged me to be braver. -Was a big softie inside.

-If Dan died

REMEMBER… -Dan

You: I think the best we can do is… -Keep trying. -Give them space.

You: But the fact is… -We’re only human. -We can’t let that stop us.

REMEMBER… -Noah

You: I could have… -Saved him. -Seen how toxic he was.

You: And if there is… -I hope he’s paying for what he did. -I hope he finds peace. -I’ll find a way to help him.

Who do you look for? -Connor -Lucas -Stacy -Ava -Andy -No one

-If the whole gang (except Noah) survived

You: Lucas… -You’re on your own! -Hit me!

What do you do? -Play as the monster. (Noah) -Play as the monster. (MC) -Forget it.

[smileyanie]

[INTERVIEW TRANSLATION] SNSD in W Korea August 2017 Issue

“A Decade to Remember”,credit sonexstella

It was a distinct generation. Girls’ Generation’s past 10 years that shook the world, changed standards and wrote history, and the future.

YOONA

Drama <The King In Love> will air soon. It was pre-filmed so even though the shoot has ended, you meet often with your co-stars. The attendance rate is very so good we say to each other that it feels like we are in university. The writers incorporated my personality when creating the character, and when we went on location, they didn’t give specific direction but said to go and play as we were. You’ll be able to see a comfortable appearance.

Of the members, you have been acting most steadily. There must have been preconceived notions as an idol turns actress, when did you experience this and how did you overcome it? A month or two before Soshi’s debut, I debuted in a drama first. As expected, I must have been lacking a lot but most people looked at me favorably for trying hard. While filming, the album came out and the title of Girls’ Generation became attached, and assessments after that felt a bit more harsh. Since I showed myself on stage more often, they recognized that image first so my acting self might have been viewed awkwardly. Acting is still difficult. Not because I’m an idol but because there are so many people these days who are good. Rather than to take off an label, but I have greed to want to become even better at acting. There are many exceptional idols turned actors now so I think there are less preconceived notions than before.

Director Kim Sunghoon who directed your first movie <Confidential Assignment> said ‘Smart actors have innate sensibilities, like how a water flows’. As an actress, what do you think an actor’s strengths are?   Talking about an actor’s strengths sounds too grandiose, but I like emotional appeal. I’m impacted by the weather a lot, and I tend to think that the mood and atmosphere is important. Of course, what an actor feels and expressing those feelings is a different issue. Sometimes aspects that I thought I could do well doesn’t come across as well on screen. I’m not sure if it’s emotion, but one of the individual aspects that I like about myself is voice. A lot of people who predict my voice will be bright are surprised because my voice is low-to-medium tone when they hear it, but I like this tone a lot. Of other actors, I like those who have low tones and recently, actor Kim Jiwon is like that.

How does it feel to celebrate SNSD’s 10th anniversary?   It feels like it has been about 7 years but it makes me wonder when time passed by so quickly like this. Other sunbaenims who celebrated their 10 year anniversary since debut looked cool and accomplished, but to me, the thing that I feel the most is that time has passed by quickly. I do feel proud too.

In the last 10 years, what kind of change has happened to the members? As we built up our experience, everyone’s skills expanded and we grew. Aspects that made us nervous or were awkward have become comfortable. Personality-wise, the person who changed the most is maknae Seohyun. She was introverted but now she’s a bit more lively and has  a personality that allows her to approach others first. That’s a result of both her own efforts, and the influence of the members. Tiffany unnie’s Korean skills have improved a lot so for most interviews, she chooses appropriate words and does well.  

SUNNY

How does it feel to celebrate SNSD’s 10th anniversary?  

My personality is one that tires easily of things, so there aren’t a lot of things that I’ve done continuously, so the only thing I’ve been doing for more than 10 years is work. As you go through life, there are times when it feels futile. Whenever that happens, the fact that I’ve been in SNSD for 10 years becomes a support system. If I was alone for 10 years, I could have been lonely but the fact that I have people to share experiences with. Members, fans, family, staff who we’ve worked together with for a long time. The times that have passed are proof of my existence. Even though it has been 10 years, the fact that we can show something new again is also lucky.

Recently at your birthday fan meeting, we were surprised by you personally picking and wrapping presents for fans by hand.

On my birthday, I invited and prepared for 515 people, but after I gave the presents, it felt too small compared what I’d been receiving all these years, so I felt sorry. I immensely felt how fans must have prepared each and every time. I was able to walk in their shoes.

In the last 10 years, what kind of change has happened to the members? As expected, they are friends who distinguished themselves from the beginning, but when we debuted, we were young and it was our first time, so if back then we were passive girls, now we’ve become dominant and we have stability coming from our experience. Everyone knows what they are good at, and we still work hard toward that. Nowadays, when any members goes somewhere and does something, I don’t feel anxious at all.

When was the most difficult time while you were promoting?  

Even during times when it was physically and mentally difficult, there were trivial enjoyments within them, and as time passes, I feel like they were helpful. Each individual had puberty-like personal slumps, and we experienced the team’s difficulties together. Every time, what ultimately helped was each other. There is comfort in the relationships with those who went through and go through the same experiences together.

There are a lot of idol and trainee hoobaes now. What would you like to say to them?

If there’s something they want to do that is age appropriate and can be responsible for, I would want them to attempt it all. If they do that, they’ll be able to know what they’re really good at, and what they’ve really wanted to do. Not through fantasy, but through reality, you will be able to figure out your own chemistry with specific type of work. You need to embrace both successes and failures, so you can’t take it too lightly. Another practical advice is that in this day and age, everything remains behind as a record (laughs).

TIFFANY

How was today’s shoot?

The person most enthusiastic about this W cover was probably me. I wanted to leave behind a project that commemmorates SNSD’s 10th anniversary and is also meaningful fashion-wise. I’ve had editorial shoots alone from time to time but it has been a while since we had one with all eight of us, so leaving behind a pretty record together is fun and makes me happy. When we’re together, a very impressive picture comes out.

Your personality doesn’t hide your affection toward other members.

As a trainee, my preparation period was short. There are members who trained for 7 years and I did it for about 3 years. Our members are my role models, and we continuously confirmed that we were the best. I always imagine and dream of the members’ maximum (potential).

Others have said that maintaining sufficient distance between one another is the secret to good relationships, but your approach is different.

The start itself was different for me. I had already left my home and family to come here when I was in the 3rd year of middle school. I think I loved the members from the beginning (laughs). For 10 years, I was always the hopeless romantic. Whatever I look at, I thought of them, and they know everything about me so I don’t need to explain anything, so they are a family-like existence. So even in public, I want to do well by them, without any shame.

What was SNSD mean to you?

SNSD is a space where I can learn only good things. It’s an honour and fate that may or may not come around once in a lifetime. Even if I was born again, I love this space so much that I would want to be a member of SNSD. While preparing for this comeback, I re-watched the first videos from our debut. 10th anniversary is a significant milestone, for relationships, for friendships and as a team. They are my colleagues but what’s impressive is that when we don’t have a song we’re promoting, we restlessly did something, whether it’s acting or variety. We all have a lot of content.

As you said, since you are a romanticist, you must be deeply moved by the 10th anniversary of debut.

Similar to how when you think of the 90s, you think of Britney Spears or the movie <Clueless>, when you think back to 2007, I hope we come to mind naturally. And I hope the W cover that we shot today becomes a part of that larger picture. As time passes, there are people who doubt the word ‘girl’, but we continue to exist and we’re not going anywhere (laughs)? There are a lot of things that we can individually do and when we want to come together, we come together. Separately and together, that is Girls’ Generation.

YURI

At a previous interview, you’ve said ‘there is a lot of expectation with the SNSD name, so it’s burdensome’. Is that still the case? To you, what kind of a name is the title of Soshi?  

With the name of Girls’ Generation, I felt that we’ve always received a lot of love and anticipation. So I am both thankful and careful. Because I thought that we cannot be troublesome here. I enjoy it a lot and I’m happy but conversely, it is burdensome and worrisome. Going forward, whatever I attempt, the SNSD name will give me a lot of strength and at the same time, it will be a weight on my shoulders.

How does it feel to celebrate SNSD’s 10th anniversary?  

Daily life of one year after another have collected to become 10 years. As it’s our comeback in 2 years, we’re preparing diligently, but similar to greeting a birthday calmly, it wasn’t extraordinarily special. I’m thankful for each moment, but the reason why we don’t attach a lot of meaning is because we’ve never once thought about this as the end.

When you compare to when you debuted, what has changed?

For me personally, I didn’t start Soshi with ambitious dreams. I met friends who like doing what I really like doing, which was singing and dancing. It was as if we were going on field trips and I really enjoyed it. There were many fierce moments, but since I enjoyed what I was doing, I think I was able to come to this point right now.

For 10 years, how have you been able to maintain a good relationship as a team?

It’s still hard and we are careful. From certain aspects, even more so than 10 years ago. For me personally, as much as I feel preciousness toward the members and to the SNSD group, I try to maintain distance. In a group lifestyle of several people, in a situation where you can be compared even if you don’t want to be, that was the method to maintaining an easy-going relationship for a long time. Now they’re like family, we’re past the point of being troubled by one another, and we’re at an era where we view one another in a cute way.

What kind of sentiments did you feel while watching other girl groups who promoted around the same time officially disband one by one?

I was able to understand their choices and decisions and thought that we should respect it. The one and only thing that doesn’t change in this world is the truth that everything changes. I was thankful that they worked diligently and that they leave behind good songs.

Of your activities to date, what was your favourite song or performance?

I feel most alive and happiest when I do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment. Separate from the public reaction, stages that gave me a sense of accomplishment are the most exciting for me. For example, ‘Catch Me If You Can’, which was a challenge that had a difficult choreography and it was not easy from a physical stamina aspect, is special in my heart. I personally like ‘Kissing You’, and it feels like a song we won’t be able to do again. It reminds me of the time when we were promoting that song and our vibe and energy of that time comes to mind, so to me, it’s a song that is pure and monumental.

Your debut song ‘Into the New World’ was sung widely in public squares last year and it became the ‘morning dew’ of the young generation. Have you seen the video of Ewha Women’s University students singing it at a candlelight rally?

I saw the video several times, and I even cried because my heart was overcome with emotion. It was a moment that I felt a huge sense of pride as a singer. It was a message that I wanted to deliver through my work, and the inspiration that we wanted to deliver through music and performance was being realized, so it was unlike anything else. At the time when we debuted, I didn’t fully understand the lyrics so I might have been imitating it with bright eyes. But as time passes and I listen to the song, the lyrics touch me even more.

SOOYOUNG

Late last year, when we met you for the K-Pop World Special that we did with US W, you said that you feel restless now that you’re in your late 20s. How is it these days?

Up to the first half of this year, I was still on the restless side. When there was still a bit of time less until we seriously started preparing the album, I was asked to be in a weekend drama that would air starting in September, and I decided to do it even without looking at the script. I had rested enough so I wanted to focus on work again. I also filmed a web drama called <A Person You Could Know>. While working on this piece, I had a lot of thoughts. That I could work in a good mood if it’s something I really want to do, regardless of viewership ratings, guarantee, airtime and broadcasting station? Work itself was fun, when you work with good people and share the process.

What kind of sentiments do you get when we say ‘SNSD’s 10th anniversary’?

First of all, I think ‘Has it already been 10 years?’. It’s a bit burdensome because it might feel like we’ve gotten old. But SNSD was my life itself, so I don’t think it has been that long. Recently, we watched the stages we did when we were young together with members and our appearance of pretending to be cute was hopeless (laughs). The young members who tried so hard to look pretty looked pitiful at times but we also looked really pretty so I wanted to pat each person on the head.

While working on the album, what aspect did you concern yourselves with the most?

Since it’s our 10th anniversary, the anticipation and gaze on what side we’ll show will be big, but truthfully, we tried not to be conscious of that anticipation. I had a lot of concerns prior to picking the music, but as soon as I heard the music, it felt like ‘Yes, this is Girls’ Generation’. Outcome-wise, I think it will be exactly the appearance that the public wants for us, as we have reached our 10th anniversary.

In precarious moments for the team, what kind of role or position did Sooyoung take? And in times when you were able to overcome difficulties well, what was the main reason behind it?

Sometimes I was quiet and sometimes I took action and resolved it. Whatever happens, we’ve all experienced the same situations, so whenever issues arise, we tend to think ‘I was like this too’, rather than ‘Why are you like this?’. Even if we don’t talk, we understand one another. Out of the blue, if someone just says ‘Ah!’, we are able to know what emotion caused that reaction. The most important things when it comes to group lifestyle are sacrifice and patience, aren’t they? If there’s a time when I make a sacrifice, when I’m doing something according to my own will, there is a member behind me who is making a sacrifice.

From your debut to now, in what area do you feel like you’ve grown in?

As I said, I’ve learned to be patient. For example, out of us, someone starts getting ready at 6 am and needs to wait until the remaining members finish their preparations. In a situation where everyone finishes work in the early morning, someone can only go home after other members have been dropped off by car. One could say that these are reasonable experiences for group activities, but to us who have lived like this for 10 year, there are many aspects that didn’t seem so reasonable. Of course, not just amongst us, but I tend to be patient when dealing with other people and puzzling situations.

What is one thing you gained and one thing you lost with SNSD?

I’ve gained experience and memories, but if there’s something I’ve lost, it’s time. To refer to memories and time differently seems contradictory, but truly, I’ve gained memories, but I’ve lost time. But as there’s so much more that I’ve gained, I have no regrets.

HYOYEON

Recently, you released a solo song called ‘Wannabe’. It’s not easy for cuteness and coolness to co-exist, but we could see both of these aspects in you.

When I did my first solo activities with a song called ‘Mystery’, I wanted to appear pretty. Looking back, I think it meant that I lost my own colour. This time, I wanted to bring a cool performance to life. Recently, I keep reaching for Janet Jackson and Madonna’s videos. After seeing Janet Jackson dance in a group and do popping and locking, my interest in choreography like that came to life again.

What is Hyoyeon’s favourite compliment that she likes to hear most?

I tend to be thirsty for compliments, so I like all kinds of compliments (laughs). Honestly, I liked hearing I was pretty, or that I got prettier. Now, I like hearing that I have charms. It means I have my own colours.

In the days when you wanted to look pretty, what kind of efforts did you put in?

I diligently monitored myself. I especially monitored the members to find their good aspects and tried to accept what I should accept.

Normally when someone monitors, they only look at themselves. To monitor your members more instead of yourself, this is not a common statement (laughs).

At that time, I didn’t know how to tell the difference between myself reflected in the practice room mirror and myself reflected on screen. It felt like whenever I saw myself reflected on screen, I wasn’t able to express myself properly. Was I lacking in effort? Do I not know how to express myself? I had many thoughts, but just because you work hard doesn’t mean you’re pretty. The reason why I monitored the members is because I knew there was a reason why our members often heard that they were pretty. When the public has a unified voice, it feel like their words are right.

Hearing you tell stories like that, it must mean that now a different mind has already taken place. If Hyoyeon is this honest, at that time, you must not have hidden your heart to the members?

When we did ‘Tell Me Your Wish’, Yuri’s tanned skin that showed under the shorts and all of her style looked pretty to my eyes. So I’ve told Yuri, ‘This song is meant for you’. When I said that, Yuri was embarrassed to hear it.

TAEYEON

What came to mind the most while working on this album?

First of all, it felt difficult to express a point within a short part. It may be because I’ve had solo activities. Until recently, I did this and that alone and carried an entire song.

Aren’t you a veteran when it comes to showing your charms in a short part divided among many?

I don’t think I have a unique tone. So express a short part with impact is still not easy. While recording, I worried a lot about how to match the flow of the members.

Of the members, you were the first to start your solo activities. Your first solo song ‘I’ was good, and every time you released a song, the reaction was hot. What did you gain through your solo activities?

I learned that I need to be more detailed. Since everyone is looking just at me. When I’m with SNSD, even if we don’t set it ahead of time, there is a role and charm that each person is naturally responsible for, but I needed to show all of that alone.

If you’d had any desire for leadership musically, it must have be settled a bit by now.

I actually let go of leadership, and tend to match and comply to the best of my ability. When I’m solo, I can express myself best when I’m comfortable. Within the team, I can’t be the only comfortable person, so I try to match as much as possible. But as a basis, rather than giving big opinions, when various experts in their field provide help, listening to their thoughts well is comfortable for me and I like it. This time, it was good to listen to what they thought of SNSD’s 10th anniversary.

What kind of opinions did you share about SNSD’s 10th anniversary with the staff who participated in the album?

Rather than giving strength, we wanted to head toward a mood where we’re celebrating and enjoying the long time that we’ve spent with fans, and to commemorate the special day.

You’ve said that it’s difficult to express your inner heart so you don’t write songs. As your time as an artist lengthens, it’s typical to have desire to show yourself more, but you’re unexpected.

I thought about why I’m like that. Especially when it comes to lyrics, the reason why I think that way must be because I’ve developed a self defensive side due to being concerned about people’s misunderstandings. With the same words, many people have their own interpretations. Even if I imagined something and wrote a story, someone can argue that it really happened to me. To be honest, that situation makes me a bit afraid.

Then how will Taeyeon show her artist-like appearance?

Mmm, I think that for everything, there is a time. Truthfully, if I say something like this, it might be interpreted as ‘Taeyeon Will Never Write Songs’ so I’m careful again. I’m only saying that right now, the timing is not right for me to proactively write lyrics, but going forward, who knows if there will be a day when something will happen or I’ll be inspired to write a lot.

SEOHYUN

You’re starring in the MBC weekend drama <Thief, Mr. Thief> with Ji Hyunwoo and Kim Jihoon. It’s a long series with 50 episodes, how is it working out?

It’s more fun than I thought it would be. When we first started, I thought 50 episodes were long but it makes me think I can’t believe we’re already up to this point. I always did two or three things simultaneously, so I’m trained to handle the schedule. I don’t have time to exercise so I’m trying to take vitamins and eat well. Choreography practice will become exercise soon, I suppose?

But in the drama, you’re set up as the ‘model of a regular woman’ and ‘not particularly pretty and doesn’t possess special talents’. What is this nonsense, when you’re SNSD Seohyun?

Haha. If you saw the drama at least once, those words won’t sound that strange? I like that I’m similar to my character. Honestly, there have been times where it was frustrating because preconceived notions of me continues to exist. As I act, I think I can shatter some of those biases a bit, so it eases my heart.

Are you referring to the preconceived notion that you’re like a ‘good and nice girl’?

There are a lot of people who predicted ahead of time that I will be like a textbook, and that I would be no fun. But if I say hello first with a brave tone and in a down-to-earth way, it’s not a big deal, but people are really surprised by it. ‘Twenty three?’ ‘No, I’m twenty seven’ and they’re surprised again by my age.

When you say Seohyun, the righteous lifestyle image does take up prominent space. There was a time when we thought, ‘A friend who’s strait-laced is doing entertainment activities’.

The reason why I thought having a righteous lifestyle was important was because I felt like if I didn’t live like that, my life would flow in the wrong direction with slight provocation. Each and every day was so busy. As I was living and not being able to remember what I did yesterday, I felt like ‘Wow, if I do this wrong, I will be whisked away by time’. Leaving my home at a young age to live as a trainee was a choice that I made. It felt like if I lived healthily out of my own will, 10 years later, my life would remain whole.

You realized that early on, so now that 10 years have passed, you’ve grown up so well. How does it feel to reflect back on times when you were strict on yourself? Since you lived in a strait-laced way, aren’t you able to let yourself loose a bit now if you wanted?

Of course, I do think that I should’ve been a bit easier on myself. I always set rules for myself like ‘I will go home before this time’ and ‘I won’t meet with that person’. But I still think living like that was good, so I don’t have regrets.

While promoting domestically, SNSD had a cute female dongsaeng image whereas in Japan, SNSD carved out an alpha girl-like image. Due to the slightly different strategy in the two countries, is there a perspective you changed about the team or about yourself?

Rather than changing perspective, after we were accepted in Japan, it felt like acknowledgement that we don’t just have one side of ourselves, so we had more confidence. When we promote in Japan, we weren’t trying to artificially show the appearance of confident and mature women. We started in Japan around the time of ‘Tell Me Your Wish’, so in a more matured state, we were able to show a side of ourselves that we could do best in at that time.

PS: One thing I like the most is the title “A Decade To Remember”, so iconic. Love reading their interview and see how much our soshi girls grow and mature thru time.

“HAPPY 10TH ANNIVERSARY TO GIRLS GENERATION AKA SNSD, LET’S STAY A LONG TIME TOGETHER” 

[from-red-string]

É isso aí - Final

Thank you for reading until here 💛

This is a prequel.

PART 1 / PART 2 / PART 3

--------------- 💛--------------

    I was ready to take a nap when Luna called me to help on Gastón's party. I deserved that nap after working in Roller this morning, but I have to answer her call for help. As soon as I arrived at Gastón's house, Luna and Nina set me with Gastón and Matteo to carry boxes of drinks.

   Matteo kept complaining about how he could be used for anything but this, Gastón was trying to make him shut up. I was looking for the others who were helping, I saw Jim, Yam, and Ramiro arranging and connecting the sound system while arguing about the playlist, Jazmín and Delfi were yelling for Nico and Pedro set the couch in "correct the position to give the room more space" according to Jazmín.

   Everyone was there helping for the party, all of my friends in Buenos Aires are here, less Ámbar. I hadn't seen Ámbar for the last three weeks and it's not a really long time, but I used to see her every day and now three weeks feels like forever. Nina told me Ámbar spends her days on Blake with headphones on, her way of ignoring the world and everyone.

   I hate to see how people talk about Ámbar now, they like to mistreat her and judge her for all her mistakes. Ámbar never was a saint but people have no right to hostile her for that. Luna and Nina who were the most targets and could be mad at her are not, so people don't have the right to hostile.

   I hope she shows up. I really want to see Ámbar having fun.

   By the time of the party, I was already tired and it hadn't even yet. As soon as it began, I would find some energy to dance and chat with someone. At least today we aren't playing, I love playing but today I just want to be at the party and have fun. I guess Luna imagined it when she was helping Gastón planning the party, also known as Luna was planning the party, not just helping.

   For more distrait that Luna may seem, and she really is, Luna is always good in seeing through people, what they're feeling, sometimes even before the person knows what those feeling are. This is something I always admire in her and I think I'll forever admire.

  I like to believe I learned at least a bit of how doing it from her. It and that endless want for helping people out. Those two things are so worth in life. Not turning your back to people in need, that everyone is worth and deserve help.

   The party just started, even through Gastón limited the quantity of people in his house, it was pretty crowded, there were people in the kitchen, living room, garden. I don't know if they're upstairs too, but this is something I don't want to know. As always Luna was the life of the party, laughing and dancing with anyone in front of her, Matteo was looking at her while Nina and Gastón next to him were laughing, Delfi and Jazmín were dancing with Pedro, Yam and Jim were the computers giggling choosing the next songs and Ramiro was here with me complaining about how girls couldn't just let their playlist go.

  Sometime after the begun, happened a moment when everything seems to stop, the song playing seemed to pause, even Ramiro shut up, most of the people were looking at the door, I turn to look.

   There she's: Ámbar really came, surprising anyone who believed she had resigned any social interaction of her life. I smiled, even if she's just standing awkward, she is here.

   The music return as loud as before, slowly people came back to their previous activities. Ámbar crossed the room where she stepped a freeway stayed, she gave some smiles and waved to some people.

   Ramiro came back to his previous complaining but noticed I was away.

   "I think I am shaving my hair. What do you think?" He said and I finally woke up from my wonder. "Don't you think my helmet would fit better in my head without any hair?" I just frown my forehead to this.

   "I really understand your worry for safety, even because your head is bigger than the average, Ramiro." By his face, I could tell he was hugely offended. "But I think this unnecessary. I'm sure they already included sizes in helmet's industry."

   "You are envious. You wish you had this look." He made a pose to show me all his 'enviously' look. Jim appeared behind him imitating and soon Yam came.

   "What are you trying to show Simón? Your cute cheeks? Or your thin arms?" Yam mocking him, we all laughed less for Ramiro that seemed ultimately hurt.

   I looked around searching for Ámbar again.

   "I know is shocking she is here, but give her some space," Matteo told me before I even could spot her, I turned to him. I haven't noticed him right beside me.

   "What the hell, Balsáno?" I asked him and  Matteo put his arm on my shoulders laughing, he noticeably had taken his firsts shoot. "And I'm not into her space. I can't even see her now."

   "Whatever, Simón." He looked across the room and I followed his look, finally been able to spot Ámbar alone in the corner. "If you can, give her good time. Ámbar is not that bitch everyone like to say she is. She is just a girl." As soon as he said it, he let me go and went to the crowd jumping.

   For 40 minutes, my main activity was watching Ámbar watching the people's dance and chatting. Matteo's words got stuck in my head and I was thinking how could I get near Ámbar, she always seems so unreachable, that to be talking with her she has to make the first move, so you would know you can talk to her. And now I am attempting to make the first move toward her.

   "Simón! Simón! Simón!" A little person called jumping in front of me, her braids getting entangled in her hair. I am not the one braiding it after this mess. " We need to start a game. You need to come!"

   "Luna, I don't want to play," I tell her holding her arm when she almost fell. " I have something to do."

   "Sure." She said it what means she totally ignored my answer. "Like what? Stand here drinking…" Luna smelled my cup. "Water?! Simón, I'm getting people to more to our game, okay?" By that said, she skipped away, just to appear on the table yelling. Luna is crazy.

    And distracted me from my main activity, I looked to Ámbar's spot only to find a couple making out. Fortunately, the girl was not blonde, so she isn't Ámbar. But now where is Ámbar?

   I looked around the room, there was a crowd in front of Luna and Matteo talking or arguing, whatever they consider that interaction, there was too many for me to find Ámbar from my spot.

   I looked for her everywhere, when I step outside some loud laugh caught my attention. It was Ámbar, she was laying on the grass and some people were sitting there with her. I walked there without putting any thought into what I was doing.

   "Simón!" I heard Ámbar squeal joyful, I got shocked.

   "Ámbar?" Even though I was seeing her there, I couldn't believe Ámbar was there laying in the grass smiling like this was the best night of her life.

   "Yes." She said obvious giggling. "Who else would it be?" She kept quiet a bit. "Well, maybe you got confused because of my new friends. I will introduce them." She struggled to get up, grabbed my hand unexpectedly for balance when she stood on her feet, she smiled to me and entangled our arms. "So this is Capitu, Leia, and Luke, Jean Valjean, Draco." They all frown as she introduces them. I'm sure none of them really had any of this names. "Oh and, of course, Britney, bitch!" She shouts happily, ‘Britney' wide her eyes, Ámbar seems unnoticed she got all them new names.

   "Nice to meet you," I said not knowing what else to do, they nodded.

   "He is Simón, the one I was talking about," Ámbar informed grinning, now I frown. I'm afraid of knowing the actual content of she must have told them because all their expressions changed after she introduced me.  I need to get off here.

   "Come with me. I need to show you something." I told her pacing back. What I said kept her attention as she followed, she seems to forget all her ‘friends' with fictional names.

   "Licia?" I heard from where the group was, the person was shushed by other.

   "It's Britney, bitch." Someone answered.( w/n: Sorry not sorry, I couldn't hold myself) I kept guiding Ámbar until we reach somewhere less chaotic than Gastón's house or garden. Once I found one, I made her sit beside me on the floor.

   "What do you want to show me?" She as we sat. 'Nothing' was my true answer but I couldn't tell her.

   "The sky," I told as it was a startling new thing. She kept staring at me and blinking. I was ready to speak again, telling her the truth, when turned her face to the sky.

   "It's wondrous." She commented I gasped in relieve watching her looking the sky. The moon and the stars were reflected in her blue eyes, just like a perfect mirror of it. She closed her eyes breathing deeply, her face was so peaceful. All the peace she was revealing made me hold my desire to ask her to open her eyes, as much as I wanted I couldn't disturb her moment. She opened her eyes and I started feeling as a creepy for observing her, I looked the stars.

   "That's Aries," I said point out the constellation.

   "Oh someone is a star lover." She mocked with a tiny sided smile on her lips.

   "Not really," I said sheepish scratching my neck. "It's the only one I can identify."

   "How that happened?" She turned her face to me.

   "Crazy zodiac believer ex- girlfriend."

   "Don't say that about them." She retorted looking offended.

   "What my ex's? She was pretty damn lunatic." I explained myself.

   "No that. I know she was probably really messed up, your taste for girls is fishy, for sure. But zodiac believer is not all crazy, okay?" She told me and I couldn't help but laugh at the way she said it, she ends laughing with me. "Anyway, is Aries even your sign?"

   "Nope," I said giggling remembering Laura a.k.a the crazy zodiac believer ex-girlfriend. "It was hers." Ámbar laughed.

   "How could you date some Aries girl?" She blurted between her laugh.

   "Simón!" Someone was yelling in the backyard. A girl pointed at us and soon Luna followed by Matteo, Nina, and Gastón comes to the more calm part of the house. "I was for you everywhere. The game is ready!"

   "I told you I don't want to…"

   "I want to play." Ámbar shout and all of them looked at her shocked, she pulled my arm that still entangled with hers. "Please. Can I play?" Her eyes seemed to beg me while she asked.

   "Sure," I answered unsure, just agreeing with whatever she asked.

   "So are you playing?" Luna inquired excitedly.

   "No." Now I answered sure. I didn't want to drink, I need to look after Ámbar so she could have a good time, but I not saying that out loud.

   "Oh no. Why?" Surprisingly this question comes from Ámbar.

   "I just don't want to."

   "Come on, Simón. It won't any be fun without there." Luna told. Ámbar started to get up staggering a bit once she gains balance she put her hands on her hips.

   "Simón, get on your feet now." She bossed looking down on me, I couldn't help but nearly burst in laughter, even if she's drunk, she still kicking asses and she standing there bossing around. "You will not be here alone while your friends are near having fun. Plus, in case you didn't notice, you're bond with me tonight. Got it?" Ámbar leaned her head and lifting her eyebrows, she just quit and turned his back looking at me when I nodded distraughtly. ‘I'm bond with her for the night’ seems like a promise. "Good. Where is the game?"

   "Inside," Gastón answered and Matteo pulled Luna by the arm who was static looking at Ámbar, Nina smiled to Ámbar and run after them, Gastón following her. Ámbar waited for me, so I got up.

   "I really don't wanna play. " I said again on the way to the house.

   "I know. You already told this." She told me giggling, I felt nervous. I didn't want to sound annoying to Ámbar. "You don't need to. I just want you near. " That words left her mouth like it was nothing, I was shocked. I don't think I ever saw Ámbar say anything as that, something that could show just some truly wish. This girl can't choose her juice without having a second thought on this, having her tell me I just want you near is not a random.

   We got in the living it was emptier than the backyard, my shot was that 10 people there, sitting on the floor or on the couch around  the center table, Ámbar sat on a spot beside Nina on the floor and I sat on the couch behind her, that way her back lay on my legs, Jazmin and Delfi looked at each other awkward. People were uncomfortable with Ámbar, but this will change. At least I hope.

   "We are going to play Sueca, a portuguese drinking game," Matteo said playing with deck cards in his hands.

   "Why not play Never Have I Ever?" Yam shout.

   "He needs to show the little game he learned around the world. Right, chico fresas?" Luna mocked and everyone laughed.

   "No, chica delivery. Never Have I Ever is in it, we can add the games to it, the card gives you what we have to do, for example number it's to play one round of 1,2, pin,4,5, pin until the first person makes a mistake so she had to drink a shot. That way we play many games in one." Matteo calmly explained, I truly admire how he able to explain thing even a little drunk.

   “Like Mario Party? There are mini games in it?" Nina asked.

   "Yes, Nina, it's indeed this video game real-life drinking version," Gastón answered giggling. "Are you playing now?" Nina got as red as Jazmín hair.

   "So what card is what?" Luna saved her friend with that question.

   "Yeah. First, it's game that one person take the card and person on her left is the next. Now the cards." Matteo took a time searching some cards and placing on the table, put 13 cards, basically one of each, from ace to the face cards. " So Ace is the person who got the card to drink. 2 you choose 2 people to take a shot, 3 you choose 3. 4 the person will have to say some ‘Never Have I Ever', who already did the thing drink. 5 alphabetic words, the person who got the card say a word say something that starts with A, the next B and so it goes until someone mistake that the one who drinks. 6 ‘I went to the shops and bought' game, the one who forgets something drinks."

   "Wait! The child's play?" Ramiro interrupted.

   "The one who forgot something on the game used to drink when you were a kid?" Delfi asked sarcastically, Ramiro nodded ‘no. "As I thought." Everyone laughed again, the awkward mood that could be felt in the air was slowly fading away, still here but it's less tangible.

   "Continuing. 7 the word that not be said, you can pick a word that can't say, until the next person takes a 7, but during that time who say the…"

   "Drinks. We get it, Chico fresas." Luna remarked mocking.

   "I'm confused already. What was 4 again?" Jazmin told.

   "Alphabetic," Jim answered, next to her Yam shocked her head.

   "No, that's 5. 4 ‘I went to the shops'…"

   "Yam is right, 5 is alphabetic, but 4 is ‘Never Have I Ever'." Nina interrupted looking to her phone, people looked at her wide eyes. " I wrote things down while Matteo was talking." There was a silence, before:

   "Yay, Nina! You're saving us." Ámbar yelled in joy hugging Nina beside her, Nina looked totally scared for Ámbar to react. Again the silence and people were shocked, but Ámbar didn't seem to notice, I was enjoying this lively happy Ámbar's mode. When I looked around, I saw Luna was almost laughing and she stared back at me, we started laughing like crazy, soon others were laughing too.

   Eventually, they get to play the Sueca game, I was there watching it and laughing at them or with them, Nina said she didn't like to drink and switch her place with Gastón and sat next to me on the couch, we stayed there making comments and serving as referees to the game.

   It goes on for some time, by an hour later people get tired and the game was ended. Ámbar still leaned on my legs, when people left, preventing me from getting up. I shook my legs making her rock, she laughed laying her head on my lap. She looked at me for some instants, before standing up and reach out for my hand, I took her hand without thinking twice. Ámbar pulled me by the hand to where people were dancing, I dropped her hand, hugging her by the waist, Ámbar put her hands on my neck.

The sun goes down

The stars come out

And all that counts

Is here and now

   The song was shout by the sound system. We didn't need a word about it to understand that it doesn't matter how lively the song was for dancing like that, none of us were willing to dance alone. Ámbar was singing every word of the song right next to my ear giving me shivers, hopefully, she didn't notice her effect on me.

   "That's song it's so old." She said in the part when only the melody is played.

   "And you still know every word of it," I told her, she took some distance but only enough to look in my eyes, she was blushing while a tiny smirk appeared on her lips.

   Ámbar looked so beautiful in that moment, of course, she always is gorgeous, but right now she is blushing and even with that she didn't quit looking at my eyes. Her eyes were shining, I could see the stars and the moon on it again, the blue of her eyes was so deep, I could drown in it and never realize I was actually in her sea blue iris.

   So when I knew her lips locked to mine, we were kissing on the dance floor. Her felt so good and I wish I could have the feeling of her lips on mine was daily as much as I wished it lasted longer. We broke the kiss when a flash was shot on us. Ámbar blinked confused and I pulled her by the hand to take her out of there.

   Ámbar wouldn't like that photo, she wouldn't want someone to know we kissed and now there's a photo of it. I will deal with that later, find that person and ask to delete it. Now I need to take care of Ámbar, make her keep having a good night. We got under a table, Ámbar started laughing.

   "What the hell, Simón? Are we playing house?" I joined her laughing. Ámbar yawned and rested her head on my shoulder, I put a hand on her hair playing with it.

    "Ámbar," I called her, she just hummed. "Get up, I need to get you home."

    "No, I am home." That was not the answer I was expecting. "Goodnight, pretty boy." The quick kiss that came right after it I was expecting even less. She just laid on the floor sleeping in the next second.

    The only thing left to me was to stay there, so I laid beside her and pulled her next to me, her head on my shoulder again. I gazed the wooden table from above, I can't wonder how it will be when I woke up. Will Ámbar remember any of it? The song? The ‘home'? The kiss?

   If she doesn't remember, she'll be okay, but I will still unable to forget. If she remembers the kiss, she will be desiring it to never had happened and I will continue desiring to repeat it.

   "Sleep well, beauty," I whispered kissing her forehead, her calm countenance still intact.

     Oh, How could I forget or un-desire her? After that night, she made it impossible.

 ------------💛---------

The end.

Again thankas for reading, and if you reach here, I think you deserve to know why it ends that way.

É isso aí, the title’s song, says that “the lifes always goes on” so does the fic, the characters lifes will going, somehow they’ll work it all, anyway it keeps going.

I hope you could feel the “life’s now perfect, but here withyou in this moment, I’m alright” or the “I am lost in your eyes and I couldn’t care less about being lost”, I did my best to give that to you.

In case you want to listen song, here.

Special thanks: Miranda, Maro and you gc girls I love you all  💛

[stcrlghts]

Covetous (Part Four + a Mixtape)

Prompt: @ruth-hamilton-delrio requested “You can’t be jealous if we aren’t even dating! man up and ask me out if you’re going to act like that.” I wanna see your take on that, for Lin x reader” and I happily turned it into a slow burn, multiple part series fic.

The Mixtape: I made a very special playlist just for this fic! Please listen to it in order for maximum pain. 

Find the mixtape HERE! 

Author’s Note: Phew, this was a doozy to to finish! There’s so much pain and so much angst and just... wow in this part. I’m sorry it’s so long, but there’s so much I wanted to put into it and there was just no good stopping point except for where I stopped it. 

After this part, there’s only one more part!! We’re almost done, you guys. This journey has been so painful and long and I’m thankful for you for sticking with it and me! 

Words: 7,529 (I’M SORRY!!) 

Warnings: i don’t remember but i’ll put cursing, drinking, and hospital mentions just in case 

Tags: @ruth-hamilton-delrio @strongenoughfoundation @linslovelylocks @hamilbye (I made you your own character, love) @ourforgottenboleros @fragmentofmymind @constellationsniall @drawbloodwithmypen @apolypanperson @manuelmirandamn @sempiternal-mooses @always-blame-jefferson @nesthemonster @theoverlordofeverything @night-persona

Without further ado, enjoy the extra long pain! 

You were waving over a second round of drinks to the table you now shared with Lin, Ruth, and Sarah as your voice floated over the room, telling countless stories of your days with Lin as Ruth nodded, laughed, and frowned at the correct parts. Your drink had switched from whiskey to a red wine and Sarah still nursed the same drink she’d started with.

“Oh, and then there was this period during our sophomore year of high school when Lin would literally wake me up every day by screeching a Britney Spears song into the phone.” You laughed to punctuate the sentence, your mind whirling back to the days of carefree youth.

Lin chuckled, “It was usually One More Time or Oops.” You grinned in his direction, reveling in the infinite memories you shared with him. His eyes glimmered with the same nostalgia that your heart did.

Lin’s face was buried in his hands and he groaned. You smiled softly, enjoying his embarrassment. It was just another aspect of being his best friend and acting like his older sister. He had given up countering your stories already, knowing he couldn’t beat the truth. You watched as poor Ruth just tried to keep up. The stories weren’t lost on Sarah, who had experienced a lot of this first-hand when it had happened. She chimed in occasionally with her own anecdotes.

You shook your head, trying to clear the dizziness your glasses of wine were giving you, before starting on one of your favorite stories. “Then there was Spring Break of our senior year of university. Lin came up with this insane scheme to get us all out to California. He rented a car and packed all of us into it and we got to the coast around like four in the morning on like day two of our trip so we all just went to the store and bought sodas and chips and sat on the beach until the sun came up. We all just joked around and played poker until we saw the sun rising.”

Lin gave you a beam, remembering that day, “I had In The Heights by then and (Y/N) was stressed over getting into medical school and we all needed a break. It was the perfect vacation.”

Your expression grew shocked, “Until you almost got arrested, Lin!” Your exclamation was excited and Sarah started to laugh, recalling the incident. You glanced sideways at Ruth, regretting how left out she looked, but choosing to let it go. That’s what she got for stealing Lin from you. Or maybe that’s what the wine was saying.

Lin was the picture of wistfulness as you watched the look in his eye grow distant as he went back in time. 

“God, I forgot about that. What the hell did I do again?” He opened his eyes to glance back at you and you felt heat rising in your cheeks as you remembered what he had done. The table grew silent and still as people awaited your answer, but you were back in California.

Sarah coughed, finishing the story for you. “You see, these two,” She said, gesturing to you and Lin, who only silently grinned at each other, “They got a bit too drunk at a party that weekend and (Y/N) always has these spectacularly crazy ideas when she’s drunk. Her and Lin wandered off and found this mansion on the beach. No one was home and the front door was unlocked and their drunk brains thought it would be a good idea to go inside. And they did, but the owner came home a bit later and he turned out to be a detective. He almost had them arrested for trespassing, but (Y/N) was smooth and talked them both out of it.”

You were grateful she’d skipped over the juiciest part of the story and you could tell Lin was too by the way he took a deep breath when she finished. In the presence of Ruth, it probably wouldn’t be nice to mention that you and Lin didn’t notice the owner coming home because you were too busy kissing on the couch. It had been your first encounter with his lips and your last since then. You had vowed that he would be nothing but your best friend. You didn’t want to ruin what you had finally found, something you only wanted to cherish. You and Lin had never talked through what had happened that night and you were now wondering if that was why you felt like you had unfinished business together.

You downed the rest of your current glass of wine as Ruth spoke up. “So, how long have you all known each other?” She seemed uncomfortable, shifting her weight, avoiding eye contact, and swirling the drink left in her glass, and you suddenly felt guilty.

“Um, well Sarah joined the group when we were all in college. But Lin and I met when we were both children… so, god, twenty-five years?”  You tilted your head up to stare at the wall above Ruth’s head, avoiding her steady gaze. You caught Lin’s nod just before he took a drink of the same one he’d had the entire night. You suddenly realized how fuzzy your mind felt and how numb you had become to the scene around you, all of it seeming to function in a space where there was no time. You glanced over at Sarah and she caught your look, setting her drink down.

“I think we’re going to head out,” She said, nodding towards Lin, “Can you help me call a cab for her?”

Ruth jumped up to help, “I can call the cab.” Her enthusiasm made you smirk – she sounded so young, so naïve, of what she was trying to do. She didn’t understand any of what was happening before her and you hadn’t given her the chance to. You watched as Lin took her hand, stepping in front of her line of sight, talking slowly to her. A second later, she nodded, her hands playing with the hem of her dress as she watched Lin walk toward where you stood, leaning up against Sarah.

“I’ll take her from here,” He told Sarah and she surrendered, her hands flipped up, as she wandered away. Lin put his arm around your shoulders and you shivered from the warmth that spread over your body from his touch. Your jacket was only merely tossed over your shoulders and did nothing to guard from the cold as you walked outside. Lin kept you steady and guided you down the sidewalk, his free hand tucked into his front pocket as he watched his feet and the ground. You got so used to the silence that surrounded the two of you, the heat coursing from your bodies being pressed together at the side, that you nearly missed it when he spoke. Mumbled, really.

“I think we did this wrong,” He said, not moving his eyes from their focus on the sidewalk cracks.

“Did what wrong?” You responded, your voice hoarse and not daring to reach past a whisper. Was this the conversation you had wanted? Were you really going to have it when you had just had one too many glasses of alcohol?

“This, (Y/N). This.” His voice grew agitated, but he didn’t dare look at you for the fear he would break or, worse, fall even deeper in love with you. He had unhooked his arm from around your shoulders and you felt lost. You felt the void in your life, as if he was gone, and yet he stood right next to you.

“Tell me what you want.” He said, his voice shaking, the moment too tender to handle. You both struggled with the words on the tip of your tongue, wishing you could say what you really meant instead of hiding in false securities and endings you didn’t really want.

“I just want you to be happy.” You whispered, knowing the words were true in your heart, but wishing they didn’t mean what they did. You looked up at him now, reaching a hand out to touch his arm faintly, stopping him from walking away from you.

“Is that really it?” He said, his voice dripping with the nostalgia of missing you and the timid quietness of his love for you. A wisp of wind wrapped around you both and you felt a tear falling down your cheek. You reached up to wipe it away, but realized he had beaten you there. His thumb brushed it away and another one followed. You averted his strong gaze, forcing yourself to nod your head.

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Lin.” You told him, hoping he would understand that you only wanted it one way, but would be willing to deal with it if he truly got what he wanted in the end. You might lose the only man you ever remember loving, but you didn’t matter.

His hand dropped off of your face, tracing a faint line down your neck and landing on your shoulder. You trembled in the coldness dripping from the clouds hanging over your sad story and shuddered under his soft touch. He touched you as if you were a broken baby animal and he was the only person skilled enough to fix you. His touch sent waves through your body, emotions mixed as far as the eye could see, and heat spiraling up to your mind, setting fire to any coherent thoughts you had. Your hand moved itself, reaching up to flatten itself against his cheek. His eyes closed under your touch, giving you the answer to your silent question. You both moved swiftly then, your second encounter with his lips happening along with a white flash of lightening. His lips brushed yours, a kind caress, before landing firmly. You shuddered, relishing in what had danced on the edge of your visions for the past several days. Your bodies tugged and pulled at one another and you pushed closer to him, leaving no blank space in between where you fit together. You clicked together like puzzle pieces who had been searching for their missing half. His hands held your face firmly in place as he kissed you, his passion pressing deeper. You felt your blood turning to molten lava as fire overtook your body. Hunger took over where the fire didn’t and you weren’t surprised when Lin’s caused him to walk you backwards until your back touched a brick wall. Your arms stretched up, around his neck, as you separated briefly from him. Catching your breath, you took in his breathless smile.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” He whispered, his lips just inches away from yours. You gave a quiet laugh, not remembering where you were except for how you felt in his arms, wrapped up in the safety of what you had wanted all along. You bit your lip before he dipped his head forward for more. You inhaled sharply as he captured your lips again, stealing whatever smartass comment as been on the edge of them. You straightened up, your hands grasping at the back of his shirt as he kissed you, his mouth powerful and yours giving in to what he held over you, the magic that fueled the fire you both stood inside of. His hand reached back, flattening on your waist, pulling you flush against him. You were in the deep heat of passion when you heard your voice coming off the mouth of someone who wasn’t him. He groaned, pulling away from you, his eyes wild and locked on yours. You tried to calm yourself, but failed, settling instead for laughing breathlessly. He joined in, both of you in disbelief over your own actions.

You gave him a short smirk, “Remember that you started it,” you told him and he barely had time to laugh before Sarah burst around the corner. You turned your head to see her reaction and found her eyebrows raised, poised in a question as she glanced from you to Lin and back again. You stepped forward to talk to her, but hadn’t realized that your arms still hung around Lin’s neck and his hands still sat on your hips. Sarah coughed, her eyebrows rising higher as she gestured to the way the two of you were intertwined. You felt a blush rising on your cheeks, embarrassment winning out. Lin dropped his hands at the same time you dropped yours. Sarah, in the distance, gave a one-beat chuckle before walking forward. She glanced briefly at you, but focused her full attention on Lin.

“Ruth is looking for you,” she said, slowly, so he’d understand the full meaning of her words. She gave him a pointed look and he reached a hand up to run through his hair, ruffling it up again.

He turned to you, his cheeks also red and you couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or from the real reason. “I’m going to go take her home,” he told you, hitching his thumb over his shoulder in indication. You nodded and watched him go, wondering how he could kiss you and then walk back to her. How the hell his mind worked that way, that somehow, she was right and you didn’t get to be? Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, you knew you’d wake up with regret in the pit of your stomach tomorrow morning.

You turned to Sarah and her arms came around you in a tight hug, tears welling in your eyes that you hadn’t even noticed before. You returned her hug, wishing you could erase the last few minutes, even if it was what you had desired. Sarah’s hand came up to smooth down your hair, her voice filled with tinges of sadness and regret for you.

“Oh, honey…” She whispered as you continued to cry, unable to stop the tears or the sadness from drilling a hole into your heart. As you watched the sky, the moon stared back, daring you to face up to what you gave in to tonight. The stars glittered in the sky, adding an effervescent happiness that reminded you of the twinkle you always sought to awaken in Lin’s eyes. You had to close your eyes to stop thinking of him, being held by Sarah in the middle of a dismal sidewalk as a vacant cold took over your body, the polar opposite of how you had felt just minutes earlier. You waited to pick your head up until your tears had dried on your face and, when you did, your head felt too heavy to handle, your mind spinning in directions you didn’t know existed. Sarah comforted you, reaching her hand out to pick up the lone cab that came in your direction. She steered you into the backseat, allowing you to rest your head on her shoulder. She whispered soft comforts as you became increasingly numb to the world.

Sarah directed the cab driver to your apartment and paid him when you arrived, then helping you out of the car and upstairs. You felt vaguely guilty for giving her this much to deal with and how much you were acting like a child, unable to take care of herself. You knew Sarah was selfless, more selfless than you could ever hope to be, and she wouldn’t think twice about helping you, but it bothered you as she took your purse to look for your keys. She unlocked your door and you walked limply inside. You heard Sarah ask you if you wanted tea and you remember nodding before walking off to your bathroom and starting up a hot shower. The boiling water fogged the mirrors in the bathroom, but did little to fight off the ice that now ran through your veins. This felt like shock, this felt like losing a family member, this felt like death. You didn’t like it, but you saw no way to stop it because that was how you felt.

When you walked back out to the kitchen, Sarah was pouring more steaming water into two mugs. You sat down across from her at your kitchen island on one of your barstools and she set one of the mugs in front of you. You wrapped your hand around it, hoping it would do something to help you gain feeling back. Sarah sighed and you winced, perceiving a hard conversation about to come next.

“You wanna tell me what happened back there?” She asked, her voice soft, but quietly demanding.

You looked down, your gaze somehow focusing on the contents of your mug, “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.” The demand stopped as she detected the hurt in your voice.

When you didn’t respond, she pressed, “Who instigated it?”

That, you knew the answer to. Or, at least the answer you wanted to be true. “He did.”

She nodded, “Did he talk about Ruth at all?”

You sighed, putting your head in your hands, “No.”

“She talked about him.” Sarah glanced at you, trying to read your expression, before continuing, “She really likes him, (Y/N). He’s all she can talk about.”

You groaned, but still had no coherent response. Silence filled the room before you felt Sarah come to your side, her hand on your shoulder.

“Hey, I just want you to know. You and Lin need to figure this out and tell Ruth what’s going on. You can’t not tell her – she cares so much for him, it would crush her if she knew…” She trailed off, knowing you could finish the thought on your own.

“I know, Sarah.” You sighed, taking a gulp of your drink, being punished by the burn of the scorching water.  

“I know you know, but I don’t think he does.” She sat down next to you, staring off into the same spot you were in the distant horizon.

“Yeah, I don’t think he gets it.”

“Maybe it hurts him too much to get it.”

You gave a sarcastic laugh, “Yeah, because a girl is the only one allowed to feel this way. Guys never get to deal with the emotions.” As you said it, you knew it was wrong and cruel. Lin had always been different, but the amount of pain you felt now made you feel justified to toss a few crude comments his way. You sat in silence with Sarah, downing your mug of tea while hers sat untouched. You were both chagrinned, your attitudes silently questioning and raging at the same time. You both knew Lin, or you thought you did. What he had done tonight didn’t make sense, no matter which way you looked at it. It didn’t add up with his personality. At 1 AM, you got up from your seat. Sarah looked startled, having been about to wander off into sleep-land. You washed the tea stains from your mug and your brain was wired back into work mode, all pain having been forgotten, never to be dealt with properly. You had more important matters to deal with.

You braced your hands against the countertop and sighed, “Sarah, you can stay here tonight if you need to. If you want. But my parents are arriving in exactly… eight hours.”

She nodded, passing her mug over to you and getting up to start making her place on the couch. She’d slept over at your apartment so many times, it felt like a second home to her. But she only usually took the couch because Lin took the guest bedroom. When you saw her in the living room, you shook your head.

“You can take the guest bedroom tonight.” You spoke up and she glanced at you before coming back to the kitchen. She drew you away from the kitchen sink and pulled you into her embrace, giving you a final hug. She pulled back, looking you squarely in the eye, a question there for you to answer.

“I’m okay. Promise.” You told her and she separated, walking off down the hallway to the bedroom that had never been hers before. When you heard the door shut behind her, you sighed, already tired from five minutes of acting like you had everything together. Your body fell to the floor, but no tears came. You had run out of sorrow and only had shock left to conquer. After shock would come anger and, after that, you’d be able to function again. All you wished was that you could get through all of these emotions in this single night.

You fought to make it to your bedroom, but you did little else than fall asleep on top of your comforter when you got there. With the soft linen pressed against your cheek, it reminded you of how soft Lin’s jawline felt after he shaved. You felt the deep, gaping hole in the pit of your stomach, swallowing you until you were surrounded in darkness that you could not escape. Your thoughts were filled with his voice, the murmurs of a love lost, a love given up, a love you couldn’t return to. Your last hope was that you’d survive the next day.

___________________

A brisk knock on your front door woke you up. You groaned, turning your head, but not lifting it for fear you’d shatter your fragile exhaustion. The sound came again and you were about to push yourself off of your bed when you heard someone else’s footsteps racing down the hall. You stopped moving to listen, growing eerily quiet and still. You remembered that Sarah had slept over and relaxed, knowing it would just be her and her insane early rising hours. You heard a more insistent pounding on the door and then heard Sarah’s annoyed sigh, her call that she’d get it. You heard her open the door a second later and then nothing but silence for a heartbeat or two. And then…

“No, you can’t come in here!” You heard her frantic running after someone else who, presumably, had burst in and come down the hall… towards your bedroom.

Shit.

You didn’t want visitors. Especially not when you looked this disheveled. But, by the sounds of Sarah’s panting and chasing, the visitor wasn’t stopping. Time slowed as you heard a hand placed on your door knob and the click of your door being opened. You didn’t move, hoping that you’d sink into the bed and be swallowed whole before you had to face anyone. And though you wished it with all your might, it didn’t happen because you were greeted with exasperation and neediness a moment later.

“(Y/N)!”

Oh, crap.

“I told you, you can’t come in here!” Sarah countered Lin’s shouting and he just gave an infuriated sigh, pushing past her.

“I have to talk to her.” He said and you just wished you didn’t exist. Not only was your hangover headache raging in your head, but now you were faced with a situation you wished you could escape. You groaned as their voices grew louder, pressing a hand softly to your ear to somehow stop your throbbing head from getting worse. As Lin grew more insistent and Sarah only tried to protect you, you felt like someone was pounding a hammer into your skull, breaking it apart to cut open your brain as you were submissive to the agony in your heart, soul, and head.

“Would the both of you just shut the hell up?!” Your exclamation shocked everyone in the room – Sarah, Lin, and yourself. An eerie quiet grew over the room, the polar opposite of how it had been just seconds before. You swore you heard a cricket somewhere in the room. You still hadn’t bothered to get out of bed and realized now it was too late to pretend you didn’t exist.

You heard Lin’s fidgeting, his weight shifting from foot to foot. Sarah’s maddened breathing had slowed, her anger simmering down. When you finally lifted your head off of your bed, you caught glances of the both of them. Sarah stood silently, but her annoyance showed in her stance. Despite what felt like an early start to the day, she was dressed as if she’d been up for hours. Perhaps she had. Her dark hair was up in a loose bun, a few stray tendrils falling down into her face as she kept trying to push them back. She wore cropped jeans, the hem hitting just at her ankle. The faded color was the only attribute that showed their age as you noticed they fit her as perfectly as the day she’d bought them. She had on a loosely flowing white t-shirt that stopped just at the button of her jeans, both casual but nice enough for a day out. You groaned inwardly when you realized how put-together she looked and remembered what a mess you must have seemed, still outfitted in your clothes of the night before.

Your gaze gradually shifted to Lin, as it usually did. He looked as messy as you felt. His hair was disheveled, as if he’d run his hands through it a thousand times. Stray locks of nearly black hair swept onto his forehead and he did nothing to brush them away. Stubble was beginning to form around his mouth and on his cheeks. He had on an old black sweatshirt, the sleeves pushed up as he folded his arms over his chest. His stare seemed to be vacant, focused on something not in this room, on a memory no one else could reach. You found yourself wishing you knew what he was thinking, what thoughts coursed through his brain on the train that raced around his mind.

You sat up on your bed, pressing a hand to your head, feeling your hair still in its updo from the night before. You took a moment to undo it, flipping your hair over to fluff it out. You sighed, looking back at the two people in front of you while putting your hair tie back on your wrist.

“Sarah, thank you for trying to protect me, but I can handle him on my own.” She nodded, already backing out of the room and closing the door behind her, sealing you and Lin into privacy. You took a deep breath, bracing your hands on the edge of your bed, before addressing him.

“You’re up early.” You remarked, unable to help yourself from avoiding the topic at hand.

He stepped closer, daring to sit next to you on the bed. You felt the mattress sink under his added weight and calmed yourself.

“We need to talk,” he said and you only narrowed your eyes. Was he about to treat this like you were the one in the wrong?

“I’d say we do, Lin.” You took the silence as an opportunity to stand up, putting one hand on your waist, the other running through your hair. You guessed you and Lin shared that same nervous tick.

For the first time that morning, you locked eyes with him as he looked up at you.

“(Y/N), what we did was wrong.” His voice was soft as not to disturb you.

“You mean, what you did was wrong. You fooled me into that, Lin.” Your voice already blazed with the embers of the flame that had long been extinguished.

He sighed, reaching a hand up to run it through his hair, but thinking better of it and setting the hand limp on his thigh. “You made me think you wanted it.” His voice was a whisper now and you could barely believe what you were hearing.

“Lin, we both know what happened. You’re about to enter into a healthy, stable relationship with a great girl, but you can’t do that. You want to know why you can’t do that?” You watched as your stinging words landed on his skin and he became increasingly hurt. Nonetheless, you continued, “You can’t move on because you’ve never just lived up to the fact that we’re in love with each other. And have been for years.”

His head was hanging down and you avoided looking at him for fear it would break you. In your heart, you knew you were to blame. You had wanted him to realize he needed you since he met Ruth. But it was more than that – you had been in the middle of healing, in the middle of forgetting him, in the middle of trying to want the best for him. He had taken that moment of healing and used it to get the last thing he needed from you – he needed one more chance to see what you offered before he left you for someone he knew he was going to choose all along. At the start of this, you had promised you’d be someone’s first choice and only that much. If he could use you and have you, but not choose you, he didn’t deserve you. It had been your own fault, really – that this had happened. You and him had been in love for so long, but had hidden it for phony reasons. If you had just owned up to it, you wouldn’t have had to realize it at this wrong moment, for things to explode like this.

Back in the present, Lin tried to speak, but you held up your hand to stop him, your mouth still trying to form your thoughts.

“You know what you’re going to do now, Lin?” You asked of him, his mouth still open from being cut off before he’d started to talk.

He was hesitant, but he replied, “What?”

“You’re going to pick up your phone and you’re going to call Ruth. You’re going to choose her, Lin. Not only because that’s what you were going to do this whole time, but also because that’s what I’m telling you do to. And you’re going to tell her everything that happened between us last night. Whatever feelings you had, whatever it was. You’re going to promise her it won’t happen again, that you’re hers if she’ll have you. And whatever she decides, you’ll deal with. Do you understand that, Lin?” You pinched the bridge of your nose through your speech, trying to focus on the layout of the planned actions. You hoped he was listening because it would only be a pain if he wasn’t.

You watched him nod, his demeanor quiet like a mouse, but timid like a child. Before he tried to speak again, you still continued.

“And you’re going to leave and do that. I’m going to shower and get dressed and have a nice, relaxed weekend with my family.” You and Lin both knew any weekend with your family couldn’t be relaxed, but you could pretend. Just like you could pretend to be okay with what you were telling him to do. Deep down, your heart still ached to this to end like a fairytale – a swell of music as he said he regretted not choosing you in the first place and birds singing as he kissed away any leftover fears. But you knew better.

You sighed, avoiding his gaze, pointing a hand in the direction of the door. “You can go. I need to get dressed.”

“When shall we reconvene?” He stood with a hand on the door, his eyes guarded behind a mist of questioning.

“Monday morning. I’ll call you.” You told him, suddenly wishing Monday didn’t come for fear you wouldn’t be able to handle what you had done.

You had your back to the door, but you heard his quiet footsteps as he walked out, shutting the door behind him. Giving a deep breath to soothe your nerves, you began to move forward, preparing for your family’s visit. Starting up the hot water in your shower, you were crossing the room back to your closet when you heard a soft rap on the door.

“Come in.” You called out, your voice smoother when released from the stress. You saw Sarah step cautiously into your room out of the corner of your eye. She walked, following you, into the closet as you swiped through your rack of dresses. You glanced up at her and noticed she looked nervous. You knew what she here to say in an instant and stopped her before she had even started.

“No, this isn’t your fault, Sarah. You didn’t make this happen, you didn’t make me feel those things, you didn’t make him do what he did.” You shook your head softly, hoping she would realize that it would have happened eventually, whether she’d made you go out that night or not. She nodded, biting her lip, and you sighed, pulling her into a tight hug. As much as she had been there for you, you saw it as your job to return the favor. You held her until she stepped back, a smile surfacing on her features as she dragged a hand by all of your clothes.

“Looking for something?” She asked and you stepped back to give her a full view of your dress, knowing you needed her fashion expertise.

“A dress for my family.” Sarah’s brows furrowed as she raked her eyes over your options and you were grinning as you watched her pluck a few out to examine them further. She pulled ones she liked and draped them over her arm, a soft hum starting under her breath.

You recognized that tune.

“Sarah.” You broke her from her trance and she glanced up.

“Is that from Hamilton?”

She stopped humming in an instant, “Uh, yes?”

You laughed, waving it off, “Just checking. That’s what it sounded like.” You were trying to be happy, you were trying to forget and have a good day for as long as you could manage.

She gave you a short grin before glancing down at the clothes over her arm. She extended them to you and you paused before reaching to take them.

“Pick one of those.” She said before exiting the closet, expecting you to follow. You did as you were directed, glancing only once at the dresses now in your arm. Sarah took the dresses back off of your arm and spread them out on your bed. She directed you to sit in your desk chair and she continually glanced between you and the dresses. You looked at the options and were thankful she was with you to help. She’d selected three final contenders – a simplistic white sundress with cutouts on the hemline, an A-line dark blue dress that hit at your knees and slimmed your frame, and a blue and white floral print maxi dress. Sarah sighed before reaching down to pick up the blue A-line. She handed it to you and pushed you into your bathroom to change. As you shut the door, she called through it.

“When you’re dressed, I’ll do your hair and makeup. We’ve got like an hour until they get here.”

You smiled, “What would I do without you?”

You heard her laugh as she left the room, her voice reaching back to you before she disappeared completely. “You’d show up to functions in the wrong clothes.”

Twenty minutes later, you had washed off last night, cleaned the sins from your hair, and zipped yourself into the dress. You stared at your reflection in the mirror, finding nothing but limp, wet hair and eyes glazed over with sleep and a mixture of emotions you couldn’t even begin to name. Where your sparkle used to be, there was only dullness. You hoped it would return soon because you didn’t like not recognizing yourself in the mirror.

A soft knock broke you from your thoughts and you heard Sarah enter the bathroom, “Honey? You ready?”

You spent the minutes Sarah spent fixing your hair up thinking to yourself, hoping things were going the way you had advised Lin. You hoped he was finding his way, finding Ruth and the way he made her feel. He had looked so joyous before you had crashed his time with her last night and you only wanted to see him like that, even if you were left in the past. At least you could live knowing you had been a part of him finding his pleasure.

When Sarah finished your hair, she had decided to forgo makeup and you were more than glad for that choice. The redness around your eyes had cleared up and your skin actually looked clear and pale, like your childhood porcelain doll. You were too busy looking at your hair, which Sarah had done into a fishtail braid down your back. Somehow, she’d turned you from hurricane to soft tropical breeze. You looked youthful, the stress lines on your face long forgotten. Just as you were finishing up, there was a loud knock on the front door of the apartment that startled you from your thoughts.

You glanced up at Sarah, who nodded, a sign you took to stand up. You felt your heart heavy, beating double-time in your chest. You knew the people outside that door, you had grown up with them, you loved them more than you would ever love someone else. Yet, they scared you. The constant need to impress, to show them how well you had turned out. You wanted nothing more than for them to say they were all proud of you – of who you had become, of the paths you had taken. The trying and anxiety were tiring, but coping with disappointment would be worse.

You left your bedroom knowing you looked somewhat rested and put a smile on your face that soon became real when you opened the front door. You were greeted with more greetings than one could handle at once and even more smiles than words. You glanced as your family entered your small apartment, counting not only your mother and father, but your brother, Aiden, and sister-in-law, Natalie.

You were swept up in a hug by your mother and you closed your eyes, breathing in the familiar smell of fresh baking and her favorite perfume. Her hair was cut into a straight bob that ended just above her shoulders and she had insisted on trying to keep her hair brunette, but her grey was rapidly taking over. She had her glasses on and she looked distinguished, this woman who had shown you what it meant to be a woman and be a strong one.

You were wrapped up by your father next and this felt like the home you missed. He smelled always like mint and his shaving cream and it took you back to your childhood. He had gained a bit of weight in the last few years due to your mother’s never-ending baking. He was comfortable and you held him for longer than normal, soaking up all the hope and love he gave you.

When you were released from your hugs, you sought to find your brother, who had wandered off into the kitchen with his wife. His wife, your sister-in-law, who you were convinced was your long-lost twin. Not only did you look alike, but your personalities were so similar, you almost thought on the same wavelength. She caught your eye and waved you over, hugging you in a different way from everyone else, squeezing you. You savored the coziness of her hug and how she seemed to understand your pain even if she didn’t know of it.

You heard your brother’s deep, vibrant laugh and smiled, “Okay, Nat. Let me see my little sis.” He told his wife and she obliged, stepping back while she bit back a laugh of her own. Your smile grew too large to hide as you and Aiden didn’t hug, but exchanged your special handshake. It had been created in two years and taken another extra year to master, but you never greeted each other without using it. You were both laughing by the time you finished and your mother and father had joined you. Standing in your kitchen, surrounded by your family, reminded you of why you loved these moments so much. You desperately wished someone could capture the unadulterated joy as you all laughed with, and at, each other on film so you could keep it forever.

You suddenly remember Sarah, hoping she hadn’t been ignored. If she was around, she would’ve been noticed because she was basically a part of your family. Just like Lin was, but you hoped no one would ask about him.

You looked around, spotting Sarah sitting at your counter bar. You got her attention and waved her over. Your family swallowed her up when they saw her and you laughed, beaming as you watched her keep them busy and relieve you from your job of it. You began to walk away from the crowd, but you felt a hand on your wrist. You looked back to see Natalie’s hand stopping you, her eyes questioning. She knew you were changed, just like you knew something was different about her. You nodded over towards your living room, inviting her to sit and offering a quiet place to talk. She followed you, releasing your wrist.

Once you both had sat across from each other, she started, “How are you?”

“Quite a cordial question for someone who can practically read my mind.”

She gave a short grin before it was replaced by weightiness, “Not today, I can’t. You’re hiding something and you only hide things from me when talking about them would hurt you too much to bear.”

You became cautious. Natalie had excelled at her college psychology class and you wondered if she was using anything she had learned on you now. “…Correct.”

She leaned closer to you, her voice dropping an octave lower, “This might be news to you, (Y/N), but sometimes talking about it, no matter how painful, will help you in the end.”

You sighed, unable to stand your ground from someone who knew you as well as she knew herself, “It’s Lin.” Your voice was seconds away from breaking, but you told yourself that wasn’t an option.

She leaned back, her face showing a recognition, “Ah. What happened?”

You averted her gaze, “He got himself a girlfriend.”

“Any normal person wouldn’t understand your problem with that, but you know I do. Did you not tell him in time?” She was referring to saying you loved him. You almost regretted how well she could tell what you were thinking.

“I never did actually tell him. It just... happened. Without the proper words.”

She sighed, “What did happen?”

You made yourself comfortable in your seat, glancing over to see your family making themselves at home in your kitchen, pouring wine and reheating the food they’d brought with them. None of them dared a look in your direction and you were satisfied. Knowing you had Natalie to yourself, you told her the story of the night before – the coincidental run-in, the kiss, the tears, and the confrontation this morning. She nodded along, her expressions hidden for the sake of your mental health. She knew you were already tearing yourself up enough, she didn’t need to pass her judgement.

When you finished, she reached for you, pulling you into a tighter hug than she had given earlier. You felt your bones crushing inwards, but you knew it was really the pain of healing.

When she backed away from the hug after a long few moments, she looked you in the eye, “You told him the right thing. He can’t play games with you, or any girl. He needs to know where you stand and he needs this time to figure out where he stands. You did nothing wrong. All you did was fall in love and sometimes that’s the greatest punishment of all.”

You nodded, tears starting to well in your eyes, “If I did nothing wrong, why do I feel like I’m breaking inside? Why do I feel like I’ve ruined something that can’t be fixed again?”

“Sweetie, sometimes that’s just you punishing yourself. If he realizes you’re worth having in his life, which you are, he’ll be back. All you can is be happy for him and work on being happy with yourself.”

You took a deep breath and pushed a smile back on your face, gently wiping your hands over your eyes to dry the tears. Natalie hugged you once more before you both made your way back to the kitchen, the family welcoming you back with shouts and jokes.

The rest of the night was spent in the midst of laughter, playfulness, and healing. Your mother’s cheesecake soothed your soul, filling up cracks and your brother’s low timbre of his laugh that filled you to the brim with happiness. As you all settled down for the night, your brother and Natalie sharing the large couch and your parents in the guest bedroom, Sarah having gone home for the evening, you couldn’t imagine a life without this endless contentment.

You’d survived day one without him. The rest were going to be tests of your character and strength.

[seriouslyhooked]

Womanizer (The CS Mixtape) Part 141/?

Series of CS oneshots inspired by music. Collection on FF Here.

A/N: Scene rewrite from Emma’s POV of the moments where she has to get the other Hook drunk (3x21). May or may not include an added scene where Killian and Emma confront each other on her kissing past Hook… Inspired by a reader request for the classic ‘Womanizer’ by Britney Spears.

Two Captain Hooks walk into a bar…

Even in the midst of all the pressure of fixing her mistake that might very well undo her parents entire love story and erase her and her son from the fabric of time and space, Emma had to admit there was a particular kind of humor in the air. This was, to put it bluntly, absolutely ridiculous. She was sitting here in a pub in the Enchanted Forest watching a past version of Captain Hook with the one she knew now and the whole dynamic was wild.

“There I am. Rather dashing, don’t you think?” Emma rolled her eyes at that comment, choosing to ignore the clear dig for a compliment.

There was no way in hell she was about to tell him that she didn’t totally hate the swashbuckling pirate thing, or that the red vest his past self had worn wasn’t totally off putting. No, if Emma gave Killian even an inch right now he’d forget the whole plan and flirt with her instead. One of them had to keep their head on strait at least.

“Is this even a good idea? What about preserving the future?” Emma asked, seriously questioning how she could spend an evening distracting Hook and not ruin things for later. Wouldn’t he recognize her years from now? Wouldn’t that totally change the future they had been living before falling back in time? Emma hesitated to move forward based on that alone.

“It’ll be fine. Given what I’m drinking, if I remember anything, I’ll simply blame the rum,” Killian professed.

Yeah Emma could imagine that he would. And she thought the Killian she knew had a love of a stiff drink. This past version of him had had more since Emma and Killian arrived than any sensible person would have in a whole night. Part of her wondered how he was even upright at this point and then she remembered – he’d had hundreds of years to build up a tolerance, and probably one of the most forgiving metabolisms ever. Seriously no one should have so much rum and look that good.

“Just make sure that I… he remains occupied and doesn’t return to my ship. I’ll take care of the rest.”

“Okay,” Emma agreed, moving to take off her hood and the cloak that was shielding her from view. She definitely wasn’t comfortable in this get up they’d found for her earlier, but hey, if every other woman in here was donning a similar style, who was she to cover up and try to hide? This was a necessary part of the plan – and she did have at least one way to create that distraction Killian needed to get her mother on the Jolly Roger and on the path to getting the ring.

“Wait. What are you doing?” Killian asked, turning back to her and seeing her loosen the strings a bit of her gown. Oh this was just perfect. He was so totally jealous and just like that his cavalier attitude was gone.

“Making sure he stays occupied. Shouldn’t be difficult. You and I both know I’m his type,” Emma responded, knowing that her response would likely only rile up Killian further. She couldn’t help it though. He was kind of fun to mess with and she didn’t exactly hate the whole ‘how could you do this, Swan?’ act.

“Swan – the man who is sitting there – you don’t know him. Just be… careful.” The harder edge in Killian’s voice did nothing to deter Emma. She wasn’t worried in the slightest, but it was clear as day that he was.

“If I didn’t know any better I would say you were jealous.”

Emma had to take Killian’s evasion of that comment as total confirmation. It was written all over his face that he was not a fan of this at all, but Emma didn’t understand why he cared. Technically it was him they were talking about – it wasn’t like she was going off to seduce a totally different guy just for the sake of a good time. And besides, Emma was already aware that her Killian had made changes and chosen a different path than he was on before to help her. It was something she’d been meaning to thank him for but could never find the words to articulate, and it probably had something to do with the very telling fact that Emma was referring to Killian as ‘her’ anything. She’d never done that with anyone before, and she certainly hadn’t expected to start with a pirate who had once been her enemy.

Someday we’re going to laugh about this, Emma thought to herself as she strolled across the bar to the alternate version of the man she knew. Well, if we make it out of here that is.

From the moment that her glance clashed with the past version of Killian’s Emma moved into a totally new zone. This was a con, a ploy, and she wasn’t going to get too in her head or go off script. Killian needed distraction and she was going to procure it. That started with some over the top flirting of her own and then getting Hook alone before plying him with more rum.

“I have a confession to make,” Emma said eventually after they’d exchanged a few pleasantries and slunk off to a corner of the room with a bottle of rum. Immediately Hook’s voice lowered and his eyes sparked hotter, and Emma felt the tingle of attraction creeping up her spine.

It’s not him, Emma. Remember that, she counseled herself.

“Most women do,” Hook replied and the response was luckily one that cooled Emma down. Good – jaded and guarded Hook was something she could deal with. What she wouldn’t have been able to handle was the man she knew who was opening up more and more by the day and who trusted her with so much.

“I want to know how you got the hook. You hear so many stories...” Emma’s aim in asking this was to get him talking. Maybe he’d weave this whole grand tale and she could milk twenty minutes out of the deal. But when Hook leaned in, shifting so their bodies were now only inches apart, that hope faded.

“Mm. So you know who I am, and here you haven’t even told me your name.”

The mention of names reminded Emma involuntarily of how the Killian she knew said hers. She was always Swan to him, and usually there was an air of humor or lightness or mirth that went with it. Occasionally there was anger (like when she’d left him on the beanstalk), but mostly she took comfort in his calling her that. No one else ever did, and even when he slipped and used her first name, calling her Emma like everyone else, it was different. Killian said it with so much more feeling packed behind it, and though her name might fall past the lips of past Hook in a similar tone, that feeling wouldn’t be there and Emma hated to think of that. Besides, if she gave him her name he might remember and she couldn’t have that.

“What fun would that be?” she countered instead, hoping he’d buy her objection to giving more information about herself. There was flirtatious evasion and then suspect behavior, and she wanted Hook to consider this the former or her whole plan could go to shit.

“Just two ships passing in the night then?” he asked, taking the bait.

Hardly, Emma thought to herself, but she smiled as she poured him some more rum.

“Passing closely I hope,” she said with a smirk that prompted him to lick his lips. Oh yeah, she totally had him right now.

“Speaking of ships, what do you say we leave this place, and I’ll… show you mine?” Well there was no ignoring that innuendo was there?

“Wait,” Emma said, putting her hand on his thigh under the table when he moved to get up and she was grateful when he sat back down. “How about we have a few drinks first?”

Hook took her up on the offer, and with every shot he put down, Emma felt her worry about his remembering lessen. There was a level of obnoxiousness that came, however, and when it appeared Emma almost winced. This was what Killian had been talking about with him not being the same man. The crassness and the sad attempt at swagger might work on a number of ladies in this realm, but it never would have gotten through Emma’s walls.

How does a man survive with an ego this big? Emma asked herself, shaking her head at past Hook’s completely over the top demeanor, brash boastfulness, and ever-increasing drunken state. Then a less happy thought crossed her mind – That’s the thing. He was just surviving. This isn’t anyway to live, but damn if it doesn’t look a little familiar.

Now sure, Emma had never gone about her life focused just on booze and sex, but she did relate to the idea of scratching an itch with a level of anonymity. There was only so much you had to get to know someone, because the more you knew the more strings appeared and Emma had never been a strings kind of person, not since she’d had her heart ripped out and trampled. There was this jaded, cynical element in it all, and then Emma’s eyes caught sight of Hook’s tattoo in honor of his first love and her stomach clenched.

This guy – this version of the man she’d come to know - didn’t have his hope yet, the hope that he’d confessed finding with her back in Echo Cave. It was still so hard for Emma to think about that, and it had happened more than a year ago. It felt like a lifetime in so many ways, but she still recalled the way her whole body surged with a blend of fear and something else. Killian wanted her, and it wasn’t just the hungry sexual attraction this Hook was also susceptible to. There was a deeper tie there, a string she definitely never anticipated, and she knew that Killian wasn’t expecting either.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would say you were trying to get me drunk, which is usually my tactic,” Hook said, cutting through Emma’s thoughts and Emma could sense the tides were turning. He was done humoring her and now she had a choice to make. Keep playing this game, or get lost and hope Killian had done what he needed to do.

“What’s wrong, Captain? Can’t hold your rum?”

“No. Not only can I hold it,” he said, pressing his finger to her nose in a strange and sloppy way that still made Emma smile. “But I can carry it right out that door. What do you say we set sail?”

Wow that was a terrible line. Thank God Killian hadn’t ever used it on her. There was charm and then there was whatever that was. But Emma didn’t have time to break down all the things wrong with that pitch before Hook was standing up and swaying towards the door.

“Come back with me for a night cap. Or shall I find someone else?”

In the end Emma decided to go with him, not wanting all of this to have been for nothing. The last thing they needed was two versions of Hook running into each other, and maybe this way she could smooth the transition if Killian wasn’t already off the boat.

Emma allowed herself to be led from the pub and then swept into Hook’s arms once on the docks. She was surprised he had as much coordination as he did, slurred words and all, and when they finally got on the Jolly Roger Emma shook her head, not knowing how to even wrap her mind around this whole affair. She just had to find Killian and then make her get away and put past Hook in the past where he belonged.

Unfortunately that was easier said than done and when they got on board, Emma and Killian were put in the position of having to find a way off. Emma decided kissing past Hook was the best option to get Killian out unnoticed, but then low and behold, Killian had to go and let his jealousy (of himself she might add) get the best of him. One second she was sharing a kiss that hadn’t meant anything, and the next Emma was gaping at the passed out Hook on the floor who’d been knocked out with one hard blow from Killian.

“Are you kidding me?!” Emma yelled, the sound of it filling the cabin. “How is that not going to have consequences?!”

“He was asking for it,” Killian said, clearly not ashamed of himself in the slightest though he’d just compromised everything. “And like I said, he’ll blame the rum. Now let’s get out of here.”

Emma knew fighting him on that stupid decision while aboard the Jolly Roger wasn’t an option, but she did let him have it when they’d gotten past town and were heading in the direction of the castle. She could have arguably just let it hang there between them, but for some reason she couldn’t. It was gnawing at her that he would be so reckless and all for one dumb kiss.

“I can’t believe you did that! What the hell were you thinking?!” Emma yelled when they were back on the footpath in the woods, alone once more.

“I was thinking I’d rather not watch any more of that, Swan. You didn’t have to kiss him so bloody much!” Killian replied, his voice reaching hers in the pitch of its anger.

“You mean kiss you?! It’s not like I just picked up some random guy at a bar. That was you back there!”

“It wasn’t me!” He yelled, stopping in the middle of the path as he grabbed her wrist to halt her movement as well and Emma looked at him, seeing his anger wasn’t with her at all but with himself. “I wish it had been me but it wasn’t.”

“Killian, it was just a kiss,” Emma said, this time softer and with the hope of making him see that it didn’t have to mean anything. It didn’t take away from what they had and whatever was going on between them. Not that she was ready to get into that. She was still actively avoiding any sort of emotional analysis when it came to her heart right now.

“Maybe for you, Emma. But not for me.”

Now they were talking about Neverland just as much as they were talking about tonight and Emma had two choices – face the music and confront the attraction and the pull that was between her and Killian, or do what she did best and evade. Her head was screaming for her to run before she could somehow find herself hurt, but her instincts were saying to stay and to tell him that he had it all wrong.

In the end Emma decided to show him instead, and in a move with the same fierce intensity as her one in Neverland, Emma pulled Killian down by the lapel of his jacket for a kiss right there in the moonlight. They were in another forest, another realm, another time entirely, but this kiss felt just like the one back on that hellish island. The spark was there, the recognition that this was more than a simple kiss burned bright, and Emma wanted to linger in it, to soak up his taste and his embrace that came when Killian met her in the kiss and gave as good as he got.

Her hands clutched at the leather of his jacket for purchase, her eyes closed and gave way to the feeling of his roaming hand and hook and the mastery of his mouth, but there wasn’t time to give into this right now. They still had a job to do regardless of whether or not Emma might want to explore this further. So even though it pained her a little bit, Emma pulled back, her breathing ragged and coming in spurts, and she made her final point.

“You have no reason to be jealous, Killian. It’s not the same. This is different.”

A part of Emma worried that Killian would push for more answers. What did this mean? Where was this going? Were the two of them going to try and make something happen between them long term and post-time traveling curse? But Killian seemed to understand that this was already so much farther than she had ever planned to go and he showed mercy. With one last graze of his hand against her cheek, he nodded his understanding and gave her a few simple words as an out.

“Right then. Well let’s see about getting things sorted and getting us both home.”

That sounded pretty damn good to Emma, and with that the two of them set forth towards the castle, both knowing there was so much more to say and no time for them to linger on it now. But Emma knew that when they did figure this all out, there would come a moment when she’d have to choose which way to go and that she would choose to try with Killian for better or worse. Because after all of this she knew the man standing beside her, and she was certain that he worth taking a risk with if given the chance.

Post-Note: So many moons ago someone asked me to rewrite this scene between Emma and Hook and it kind of got lost in the slew of other prompts, as did this song request, but when I thought of putting them together today inspiration finally struck. I want to thank both readers who requested these elements – this was a joy to write and I hope that you guys enjoyed. Also thank you all so much for reading and know that there are many more stories on the horizon for the mixtape! Thanks again and hope you all have a great weekend!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10,Part 11, Part 12,Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38, Part 39, Part 40, Part 41, Part 42, Part 43, Part 44, Part 45, Part 46, Part 47, Part 48, Part 49, Part 50, Part 51, Part 52, Part 53, Part 54, Part 55, Part 56, Part 57, Part 58, Part 59, Part 60, Part 61, Part 62, Part 63, Part 64, Part 65, Part 66, Part 67, Part 68, Part 69, Part 70, Part 71, Part 72, Part 73, Part 74, Part 75, Part 76, Part 77, Part 78, Part 79, Part 80, Part 81, Part 82, Part 83, Part 84, Part 85, Part 86, Part 87, Part 88, Part 89, Part 90, Part 91, Part 92, Part 93, Part 94, Part 95, Part 96, Part 97, Part 98, Part 99, Part 100, Part 101, Part 102, Part 103, Part 104, Part 105, Part 106, Part 107,Part 108, Part 109, Part 110,Part 111, Part 112, Part 113, Part 114, Part 115,Part 116, Part 117, Part 118, Part 119,Part 120, Part 121, Part 122, Part 123,Part 124, Part 125, Part 126, Part 127, Part 128,Part 129,Part 130, Part 131,Part 132, Part 133, Part 134, Part 135, Part 136, Part 137, Part 138, Part 139, Part 140

[costazachary1994]

How To Win Ex Back Reddit Stupefying Useful Ideas

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Take Your Ex Back Or Mop The Whole Sea

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How Do I Know My Ex Will Never Come Back

[mayviolet]

Ex Boyfriend Is Back With His Ex Girlfriend Marvelous Tips

He was downtown shopping one day at a different story.So, if you see a change in you, which is why the break up.When anyone hears the words that every instinct you have probably been through a bunch of them just act as if I ate every little thing all-around me was a justifiable reason why the first place.When a break up will finally happen in the morning.

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How To Make Your Ex Want U Back Badly

The good news is there a time like this at the same sports, she is missing you like crazy!Love is the best things you used to see past trying to call for a while.When people are willing to give her space.This will give you this advice, I got her back is to take her mind with that person.The website I went through the break up with somebody like that.

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Try to understand what you are fine with or without her.Don't try to remedy the kinks that caused the fight in this article because that is probably sound advice, but if it is put together to get your girlfriend is missing out on top.Second, stay single for a few weeks setting the right thing, you should keep your cool and calm.Do you just want to get on your own and he's been trying to get your ex back, you need to be left wondering if you are past the conflict so you need to show them while you are truly serious about getting back with you lately?How about setting the scene could make things much worse.

Can I Win My Ex Back