#or at least I probably do my family lost the dx papers

[wheelie-sick]

With “being deaf doesn't just mean missing sentences sometimes” does that also apply to ANSD? I’m in the dx process and it seems almost like “situational” or can get better or worse on different days, or even hours—even if the ears are “physically fine.” (genuine q)

that does not apply to ANSD at all! ANSD is still hearing loss even if it fluctuates or worsens depending on situation

that comment wasn't directed towards people with hearing loss who miss sentences sometimes it was directed towards hearing people who think being fully hearing and missing sentences makes them "deaf"

deaf/hard of hearing people can do whatever we want forever and ANSD makes you deaf/hard of hearing so do whatever you want forever 🤟

[sanguinesprout]

Well, that sucked... uuuuugh it’s coooooold xwx (updates, some gloomy and bright feels and self pep talk)

Hmmmmmmm... so, long time no post-ish...kinda..! To put it simply I’ve been stressing real hard over this form to try claim benefits/financial help and expended all mental my energy on that aaaall these past weeks. I struggled and I avoided but I finally fiiiiinallly managed to do it and now the main source of stress has subsided temporarily until they contact me again for maybe a face to face meeting in which I’ll commence my super anxiety flailing. But I guess for now I have time to stress about the things I normally stress over and haven’t done yet. Pah!

So the form right, you have to fill in about your health conditions/disabilities and I reaaaally had trouble writing about things like that. I mean, writing on here definitely helped me with some parts of it, since it was stuff I had written before, but just not on paper and... writing it out irl is like... super difficult and uncomfortable and knowing someone has to read it and ugh damn... I had to write about physical things too and there were lots of things I kinda was unsure of and it went from me writing very little to me writing probably TOO much last minute xwx I mean, it’s better than writing too less, but maybe I went into more detail than needed, but maybe it’s enough info that they’ll skip me in the face to face part... plz plz plssss! ;3; No, no you’ll be fine, you can do it!

I seriously spent so much time staring at it and it was just so hard, there was this reluctance even though I wanted to get it over with so badly, it’s like there was a magnet pulling me away, my concentration level dropped to minus 10000000, my head hurt from forcing myself to try think, it was torture Dx It’s probably something so easy but I unconsciously chose to overthink it and get all ruffled by the prospect that someone’s gonna read it and judge me... mehhh. By this point I just hope they can read my handwriting lol it literally looked like some kids english homework, full of scribbling out and arrows everywhere hahaha *sob* I had my sis read over it before I sent it, I was really nervous about that, it’s like she’s seeing a big slice of this blog (which scurred me), but she said it was fine, it was good! She’s supportive of me even if we frustrate each other a lot, I’m really thankful for her help and encouragement ;u;

Anyways, whatever the outcome, at least I tried! I kinda succeeded in finishing something I would’ve just not even attempted usually and that’s great! I did good and if there is a next time, I’ll try even harder! The anxiety and irrational held me back and scared me away from trying, but maybe I’ll get over them much easier now that I proved to myself I could do it if I just really really reaaaally put my mind to it! Putting my pen to the paper, that’s another big thing that was needing to be done too lol. The race between doubt and determination was won by determination’s last minute spurt powered by encouragement from various sources (including myself and my fear of letting people down!) Yaaay~! sarcasm is no good booo!

Form aside, I had to do phone calls and make trips to the post office quite a bit lately too, I did them! Whooo! I also went out and had some nice shopping trips, even met some of my sis’ buddies and it was nice, it was pretty fun in fact! I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I’d be, though the times I were, I just... sucked it up and kinda went with the flow and it became okay after... I tried and I pushed forward and everything was alright *hugs self* c:

I have such less energy and brain cells left that this post probably sounds so half assed and pointless no, no negativity! silly, but I’m doing it, I haven’t abandoned my blog and it’s almost been a whole year... or at least 2/3 of a year, yay for me! Christmas is so soon, it feels kind of lonely this year compared to past years because of some things but it’ll be okay, as long as I have my family and finally get to spend some nice quality time with them like I’ve been looking forward to, I’m happy! ^^

I got a lot of materials to make some nice arts and crafty things lately. it’s kinda given me some more incentive to make some nice things and just have some fun. I haven’t done anything yet though, but I plan to... ack! Gotta make sure not to overthink things and put myself off, just go for it! I’m not abandoning my dreams of making some self motivational/self expressive or cute things or just learning to draw in general (lolol) just yet! I’ve just kinda gotten a bit doubtful and shy again (especially with just being online too), but Imma crawl back out this hole and do some things right naaaaooo!! *slips and tumbles* oof @w@” C’mon silly, keep going, believe in yourself! 

I have a lot of ideas, and they keep piling up, but I’m having a hard time getting them out... I keep letting the anxiety, comparing, fear of judgement slip in and foil my plans. Things don’t have to be perfect, just try your best..! It doesn’t matter what other people think, as long as you like your creations. Other people have their own style and you have yours, be proud of it and let it shine. Practice makes... progress! You can do it!

I want to try and do more than one thing a day like most other people can like I know I have the potential to, like maybe do a little bit of art, a little bit of self care, a little bit of family time rather than just sitting around wondering which thing to prioritise or which thing is a waste of time to focus on and in the end achieve absolutely nooooothing .___. Baby steps, keep climbing, keep growing, don’t let your thoughts bring you down, you can achieve everything you want to, you just have to try with all your heart, ignore the mental obstacles, they can’t stop you, go go go!

With one of the other things I was stressing about a few weeks earlier, it was submitting a claim for a lost parcel, I struggled with that even, but I tried really hard and I did it and even though I was expecting nothing to happen, something good did happen! They fully reimbursed me! I was so surprised! Even though I was missing some information and thought it was going to be pointless and many weeks passed and I even forgot about it, my efforts actually paid off. The experience alone of just trying was a good lesson for me, but now I’m beginning to believe in ‘if you don’t try, you won’t know/nothing ventured nothing gained’ even more! This happened after I submitted my benefits application, I don’t wanna be too hopeful incase nothing happens here, but whether the result is something or nothing, I’m just glad I tried! c’:

I also received some praise about my packaging skill and service (I’ve been selling unwanted things and I always put in a lot of effort) and it was so sweet and kind and just lifted my sprits so much for someone to acknowledge it, I am so grateful ;w; For someone to take their time to write such a nice message and show their appreciation, ahhh it’s such a wonderful feeling..! I reached my goal of making at least one person smile! It was also another very pleasant surprise! I want to continue to chase this feeling and keep fulfilling this goal! I hope one day I’ll be able to feel this way with my creations ahhh cryyy ;u;

With my physical health woes and medication trials, it has only been a short period but it seems to be going alright, not very far, but it’s going somewhere and in a more positive direction. Once again I am so grateful to my dr, they are so amazing and kind and helpful ;u; Health is important! I want my family to be more healthy too, I worry about them a lot, because they don’t take care of themselves and they also avoid things and... uuu I’m sad :c I don’t want for them to be ill, time is short and I wish for them to be well and happy but it’s difficult when they’re so stubborn. I need to try harder.

A family friend passed away from illness very recently, it was extremely saddening... It must be incredibly hard for their family right now, I hope they will be okay Y__Y Life is unfair, life is unpredictable, it’s all the more reason why I need to get up and make the most of it right now. Spend as much time with loved ones as I can and make sure everyone is happy and healthy so we can have an even longer happier life together, reach for my dreams and so and so. Yolo... so try your hardest... time is precious ;^;

Well, um... that made things a little gloomy but I have to learn to face reality more seriously. Okay, for ourself and our loved ones, let’s make everyone proud and try our best! This life is my own and I’m going to take control of it, I’m gonna make it worth being happy about! Time is of the essence!

It’s been so cold lately, but because of this I’ve been able to see it snow! Although it’s not much, but it’s magical all the same and I’m happy to have been able to witness it, to go outside and enjoy the little but wonderful things of life, I don’t want to miss out on them anymore either! A new year is approaching, a new year where it will still be hard but I’ll continue to persevere until I’ve reached my goals! The post I left in my drafts, which I see every time I post here, the one with a long list of my dreams and things I’ve been wanting to do, I glanced at it and I think I managed to do a few of the littler things this year! I still have a lot to go, so I’m gonna aim to do at least twice as much next year! Yeah!!

Have a great evening (and a wonderful Christmas and New Year if I don’t post again before then), let’s go go! :D