#or anxious around my other friends
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Did some thinking at work today about life and relationships and progress and stuff and I thought about how at the beginning of the year when I was seeing a counsellor about getting over a love interest he asked me if I felt like I was lonely and I said maybe I did feel like that but also I’m aware that that isn't really the case because I know I have an excellent network of friends and family around me.
Thinking about how in a late night conversation with a friend-turned-love-interest-turned-back-to-friend-with-a-bit-of-weird-tension he asked about what it was like when I first moved to the city I now live in. He politely asked if it had been lonely to leave virtually everyone I knew behind and start fresh. I said that I did know a few people, but that yes, that time was very difficult and lonely for me for a lot of reasons.
Thinking about all the recent things and how they’ve transpired and whether I feel lonely now. Sometimes I guess I still do, but not nearly as much or as often as I did. I am now always acutely aware that there are actually several people out there who I like that like me. I have a whole network that I feel connected to. That I am starting to believe that I actually do belong to. I would have thought not receiving the romantic validation I wanted from that friend-love-interest-friend would have made me feel more lonely because I do want to fall in romantic love. I really want it. But it’s actually made me so much more aware of the amount of love that is around me. I am so lucky, and I have worked so hard for things to be this good. I have never felt more… accepted I guess? It feels good. I am proud of what I have done to get here.
#meganmakesapost#cw#also just general life tho#and like sometimes I still get a bit awkward or sad or weird around him#or anxious around my other friends#but it’s less frequent because I truly believe/know that these people like me#all of me#even the awkward weird sad#and anxious#parts#that’s so fucking sick dude#me a year ago never thought she would feel this good#especially while actively mourning another failed romance
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canonically, percy isn't aware of the crushes people have on him until it's too obvious to deny — like when annabeth kissed him, or when nico straight up told him. and since percy isn't aware of rachel's crush on him until the beginning of tlo, that means there was a point in time when rachel was actively trying to get with him and he had no idea. and it's not even his fault lol. he just only saw her as his good friend and just thought her advances were her being friendly. i just have to see this in action.
#percy jackon and the olympians#pjo#pjo text post#pjo headcanon#percy jackson#rachel elizabeth dare#just imagine rachel taking percy to an expensive event and holding his hand#and percy's all:#'oh my friend is probably anxious of big crowds. let me hold her hand because friends help each other in their time of need🥰'#or rachel taking any chance she gets to grab his bicep or touch his shoulder#and he's all:#'rachel is a very affectionate person. it's cool tho. so am i when i'm around people i care about. rachel is such a cool friend🥰'#i desperately need someone to write a fic or sum lol
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hey y’all!
so i’ve been considering this a lot in the past few weeks, and figured i’d make an official post so you all know i’m alive and what not since i have been very much inactive as of recently.
i’m taking a break.
not forever! not because of anything in the fandom! this break is solely due to personal life reasons and the fact i just can’t be as active on here right now between my jobs and personal affairs. and it also won’t be long — i’m going to be off here probably through the end of november. if i have the time/mental capacity to come back before then, i absolutely will 🖤 but right now, tumblr isn’t something that fits easily within my days and also, writing for my fics hasn’t been something i can easily do not due to lack of inspiration but lack of time.
again, this is just due to my own personal life currently. nothing happened in the fandom that motivated this decision (i honestly don’t even know what’s happening on here currently solely because i haven’t had the time to scroll lol) and it’s very much not permanent, and will HOPEFULLY be very short. like i said, until the end of november. i’ll still be writing in my free time, and my hope is to be able to update fics once i’m back and worse better than ever! 🖤
see y’all in december <3
#in the great words of miss swift — it’s been a long time coming#idk if i’ll be around to check my inbox either 😭#if you have my discord i’ll still be active there no worries haha#i can’t wait to come back and see what y’all have been up to it’ll be fun#also my queue is officially empty after today so like genuinely there won’t be any posts sorry everyone#putting me first 🫡#saying that feels ridiculous#THIS ALL FEELS VERY DRAMATIC i’ve just got a lot of antsy anons recently#is antsy the word? anxious? idk#see y’all on the other side though my friends#and if i need longer than the rest of this month i’ll make another post#life am i right?
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the urge to self sabotage bc it would be easier. BUT I WONT DO IT!! I NEED TO PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN DO THINGS THAT ARE GOOD FOR ME!
#i have a history of like. wanting to take the hard path and when its Actually Hard instead of#going thru w it i just like...dont do anything. usually i become anxious to the point of illness etc etc#but rn its like...i cannot fuck this up fr i rly have to at least try !! ive been given a good thing i have to at least . try.#i need to be nicer to my future self they are just as much a person as any of my friends that id go out of my way for#by that point we may so different from each other that all the bad things i do that harm my future arent just harming MY future#but also someone distinct from me in many ways. yk. like who are u hurting ? they (future u) may be a stranger at that point#with how much things change. do you have a right to rob them of potential health and happiness?#im not trying to play around w counterfactuals i just need to be kind. i just need to be kind even if its myself.#lets see.
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hi fellow neurodivergent people
i hate to jump on the "i think i might have adhd" bandwagon, but if i think i might have adhd, how do i bring it up to my care team as a 28-year-old cis woman who was a massive overachiever until i couldn't keep up the ruse anymore?
#idk what happened when i got laid off it seriously is like my brain BROKE i cannot do anything#i have not done much of anything in a year. and i think it's bc my coping mechanisms were 1. self-medicate but ESPECIALLY do that while#2. overcommitting. because it kept me busy and distracted. i excelled in school because i could focus on it without it giving me anxiety#school was honestly almost the only thing that didn't give me anxiety as a kid. and i never felt quite Right like i didn't feel like i fit#in with my peers. i've always felt like a human being that isn't a person. like something's not quite right. i excel but i feel like i'm#doing it wrong because it's SO hard for me. i graduated my BA and BS programs with a 4.0#but it came with the cost of alienating all of my friends and family and becoming really reclusive and weird and distant and anxious#but i really just wanted to do well at the one thing i felt i was good at. which doesn't seem like something i should take note of#idk. my life feels like a claustrophobic box. i feel like i'm buried alive and i can't get myself out because i can't work#because i can't focus. but maybe i'm just stupid and lazy and want everyone to take care of me forever so i can continue laying around doin#fuck all. which i do a lot because i'm chronically ill. idk. like is there ground to stand on here. i literally have zero friends rn#and i feel so so so sos so anxious any time i am working because i worry i'm going to do something wrong or forget to do something or make#lots of mistakes that get me in trouble. i'm so scared of making mistakes it keeps me from doing anything at all. but i get so anxious bc#i'm not doing anything! i'm wasting time! and i can't focus on anything when i AM working because i have to get up and pace#like i HAVE to move around or i start to feel like i need to peel my skin off like i'm an orange#like. is it anything at all. or is this just me being someone who has Other Stuff going on
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#i don't really like my program thus far and i'm struggling to tell if it's just an adjustment period and i'll like it later#last time i was in grad school i LOVED my program and my cohort and was immediately SO happy once i'd started#in this one thus far i just feel stressed and anxious and at odds with my classmates#but maybe it's because i'm under a lot more financila stress than last time i was in grad school?#due to my job situation is worse and i live in a much more expensive area#maybe i would like it if i didn't have to work retail at the same time as reading 500 pages of theory per week#i just catch myself feeling so jealous when i talk to my friends about their lives and they seem settled and happy and i hate that feeling!!#how horrible to have no friends and no money and no teacher mentors and also customers are mean to you#and i hate being a bitter shrew about the aforementioned happiness of other people!#normally that would be such a red flag for me that i need to make a change quickly but i don't think that's really practical in this context#i'm hoping i'll adjust and come around to it#personal nonsense
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i truly can't articulate just how much strong, supportive friendships have changed me from being a very un-chill, suspicious, angry, scared, mistrustful person to someone who is secure, calm, trustful, and very willing to take risks. i want to be that sort of presence in other people's lives too. and the best part about having healthy friendships is that i know that i am a good presence in my friends' lives.
#it's the way we all went from nervous anxious teens just emerging frm their parents' grasps#and absolutely blossomed in each others' company#even through shitty relationships#through abusive relationships#friendships have been so strong#i'm so glad we all matured well??? there's barely any petty drama#like there's drama for sure and bad blood that i have to skirt around#but even through that every party involved in the 842983 strains of drama wants there to be some sort of reconciliation#they want to communicate instead of running away#and i grew up knowing them as some extremely avoidant people!!#also i can say for sure that the drama isn't petty#and there is a great deal of understanding and willingness to bridge gaps frm everyone involved#like we're still nowhere close to any of this drama being resolved#bcs some of these fights have left deep wounds#but i see my friends trying
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for lent i'm also giving up wasting emotional energy on people who have shown me time and time again that i'm not a priority for them.
#and you know what#i might not like myself that much a lot of the time#but at this point in my life i do care about myself enough to say that i do in fact deserve that people who (allegedly)#care about me also show me that. and behave in a way that matches their words#and if they don't or don't want to. well. downgrade to acquaintance it is. don't expect me to open up to you ever again#and don't expect me to still be your agony aunt whenever it's convenient for ya✌️#ugh but it's such a fine line to walk esp when everyone in this scenario is somewhat neurodivergent#i know people are depressed and anxious and exhausted and overworked and burned out. and i do understand the urge to self-isolate#trust me i do. but it also hurts to see that they usually still find the time and energy to interact with other people. never with me.#and i'm sure there are valid reasons for that. and maybe i should be more understanding. but it also just hurts#and it triggers a lot of insecurities (maybe i'm overall just a draining person and not fun to be around blablabla)#and i know that's mostly a me problem but also friends should not make me feel that way#personal#delete later
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#tag talk#social anxiety is so much worse to deal with when only half of you is anxious because you never know when it'll happen#like. R is not anxious at all. she loves being around people and since we came out she's not scared anymore#but me on the other hand? being around people is a nightmare. agoraphobic for sure.#I wanted to go running again cause we woke up at six again. but the thought of going outside and being perceived? terrifying.#maybe I need to practice getting R to front. we're used to thinking of L as the defensive front but if R's sociability is the best strategy#then she would be the strongest front to present.#the problem is I've tried that and it just results in me feeling even more sullen and anxious because I feel dragged into things then.#because going out on public even with friends still makes me feel anxious and angry and generally annoyed.#ugh I'm so tired of being unpredictably two different people.#if I were just L all the time I could embrace that and find workarounds to these issues. but they hit me so unpredictably#so I don't have the reliability to trust. so my strategy is usually just 'wait until you change into someone without those problems'#because whatever issue I have can usually be fixed by the other half of me.#scared of upsetting people? turn into L. scared of socializing? turn into R. scared of doing tasks? turn into L.#it's also wild because when we're L we shift into a morning person. and R is definitely a night owl#so waking up at five am to go out and read a book on the couch is so great as L but staying up all night reading is R's sweet spot.#idk. I'm so tired of bouncing so much between these two people#and I'm beginning to suspect that we have different food preferences as well. which is.. frustrating#I wish it were as easy as going 'oh duh I'm making this up in my own head' and just stopping#like. yeah it's all in my head unfortunately that's where my sense of identity is too.
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it took me until dt to change rudy's hairstyle, but i ACTUALLY think he would've cut it back in post-stb when he became a reaper. the trope of "character cuts hair to feel more in control of their life" is cliché but REAL. and also the visual of him cutting it with his scythe is fun
#lem text#xivposting#🪈 (oc)#i really like the idea of him doing that & then t.ataru being like WHATTTT DID YOU DO...!! and helping him fix it. <3#i looooove lovelove love reaper rudy he could never main anything else. i tried to play viper for dt but had to change back-#because it didn't feel right FNDJK. MY BOY NEEDS HIS VOIDSENT FRIEND#i remember being super worried that playing rpr would be really immersion-breaking for post-ew; and that i'd have to change it for canon#but the extra lines they added for rpr players made rudy actually fit in the whole time :> <3#anyway i love rudy/rucred post-stb angst/early-shb tension i think it's sooo fun to think about <33.#i've never clearly outlined the rucred development stages here i don't think. but rudy is incredibly incredibly anxious after he learns-#than's been gone for **five years** from his perspective. because rudy considered him his best friend... and then he's like-#there's no WAY he still thinks about me or cares about me or wants to see me again. and he worries about that with uri+shtola-#but th.ancred was closest to him and was summoned two years before them. (AND /I/ WAS WORRIED ABOUT IT AS A PLAYER FJDKSFN)#AND IT'S LIKE. IT'S REALLY FUNNY THAT TH.ANCRED'S MAIN PROBLEM IN SHB IS COLDNESS + LACK OF COMMUNICATION#because he DOES act uncaring around rudy when they reunite; and RUDY wants to TALK about it but than doesn't want to talk to ANYONE#so to RUDY his worst fears are all but confirmed; built upon the insecurity & sense of estrangement he's had with the scions since arr#(which is part of why he becomes so close to raha over shb; since he ends up confiding in him most of the time to avoid the others)#the tension btwn rudy & than lessens when r.yne tells him that th.ancred talks about him often (BECAUSE THAT LINE ALSO DID THAT FOR ME FJK)#and then it takes than's absurd near-death character development moment for them to finally talk (i've written that as a fic hehe :) )#and the moments after mt. gulg/before the tempest are what completely resolve rudy's fears with the group. and thfndjkgr#IT'S NOT *EXPLICITLY* SAID THAT THAN IS THE ONE WHO CARRIES THE WOL DOWN THE MOUNTAIN BUT HE'S PHYSICALLY THE STRONGEST#SO HE WOULD *HAVE* TO BE. AND THAT WOULD ALSO BE INCREDIBLY TOUCHING TO RUDY TO HEAR ABOUT;;;#on th.ancred's side of everything... well. he's liked rudy since post-hw . ZNFK D. and he'd obviously lose touch of those feelings while-#on the first; and i think after their reunion he'd loaaathe himself for somehow still feeling the same way#AND AND LIKE. ru was a machinist when than last saw him... frail ranged dps... i really like imagining how absolutely caught off-guard-#than would be when rudy is suddenly a very intense & skilled melee fighter who's made a contract with a voidsent for power. ehehehe. 🏳️🌈#it's so weird to think back on playing early-shb because **i** was so anxious not knowing how rudy's relationships with the scions-#would turn out EHJFKN. <33 AND IT COULDN'T'VE GONE BETTER I LOVE YOU THE TEMPEST + END.WALKER <3 <3 <3#auaua now i really want to ramble about my favorite shb parts again . BUT I WOULD NEVER STOP TALKING. ANOTHER TIMEEEE <3.
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Good evening gamers!!! Just wanted to wish you all a good night! I had a very nice night <3 Also expect some new f/os to be added tomorrow!
#pan rambles#I was on call with my childhood friend and we watched H.aikyuu together!!!#I felt a part of my soul just heal when I heard her again-ajfnsdjsj#My crops are watered. my skin is clear-#Normally in VCs with online pals- I almost never unmute myself#Bc I tend to stutter and get anxious and worry of disappointing somehow#But with my childhood best friend I could be on a call with her for hours and talk with no worries-akfbsjxjs#It's just such a nice feeling to have someone I can confortably calm :> I still stutter but it's less bc I'm not anxious around her#Also she knows my massive Crush on U.kai#There was this one scene with U.kai and we were both completely silent for bit#and I went “I hope you know the silence is me trying to be calm. Internally I am giggling and kicking my legs-”#Also this other moment where we saw U.kai all blushy and I immediately said “I'm sooooo Normal”#I was not normal-afksnfjsndj#But yeah#I missed hearing her sm <3
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Time for my favourite game: Do I Have A Crush On This Person Or Have I Just Never Had A Friend This Close And Also Never Had A Crush Therefore I Am Interpretating My Affection For This Person As Romantic Attraction
#if you know me irl then dont bring this up to me i shall shut you down immediately#i worry that i am just overthinking as this happens often with my friends but its never gone on for this long???#maybe its just that theyre also quite physically affectionate and have a tendancy to use pet names so im like “oh touch+pet names = romance”#combined with me just liking them s lot its created this#i do not get anxious or flustered around them#just like i want to talk to them all the time and want to cuddle with them and constantly subconsciously go to them#hmmmmmmm#once again if i know you irl YOU MUST FORGET THIS POST THE VERY INSTANT YOU SEE IT#(although i used they instead of the person's actual pronouns i think it is pretty obvious who im talking about to any of my other friends)
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lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake
#i feel worse WHY DOES SHE HAVE TONED MUSCLES UGHHH#also my confidence has gone down a tiny bit bc why is she hanging out w all these cool ppl#how is this girl simultaneously a lawyer and also has her social life on max like give me a break#thered a photo of her walking around in heaven either before closing or after opening shes sooo#HOWEVER. i just had a call w her yesterday that made me realise my idea of romance is more romantic than her idea of romance#but also that she doesnt want to do smth super romancey on a 3rd date which according to my friends is fair but according to my heart#it is not. like why are u on a date if u dont wanna do anything romancey at that point just hang out w friends#odd of her to say that too considering our first two dated were quite romantic . anyway#yo this cafe is playing persian music nice. anyway yh#also she makes being middle eastern so gay yk the goodbye fake cheek kiss thing we do . where u like . kiss the air on the sides of the#persons face when ur saying goodbye. ygwim . yeah she doesnt do the fake air kisses she gives u two tender kisses like . anyway#i discussed the stuff she does w my friend and like why r her words so aloof and her actions so...not . and my friends reaction was#basically this is fuckboy behaviour. apparently he used to do that to girls ?? like tell them he rly liked them#and be all charming and romantic even tho he rly wasnt invested at all and he mostly wanted to hook up. like ok#im gonna kill myself then. why would u stroke my hair w my head on ur LAP THEN. WHAT IF SHE TURNS AROUND AND IS LIKE#oops it was nothing#....ill kms actually. no i womt. but anyway#also got added to the gc w the other lecturers givjng talks on the 6th so its getting more real#my friend was like did u do the script yet :))) . almost died shes so scary i love her . but . fuck two exams . crush. talk. ucl cambrdige#three conferences aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA im so anxious i dont even feel anything atp#......I HAVE NO MONEY!!! TO TOP IT OFF#my crush and i are both iranian (aka born w extremely expensive taste woven into our genes) but i wanna like#treat her w the entire 2 quid in my bank account ig ♡♡♡#crushposting
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honestly i forgot about white collar for nearly a decade until matt bomer started showing up on my dash again in gay gifsets from fellow travelers, a show that i am self aware enough to know i will not be able to emotionally handle
#it LOOKS really good but lets be so real. i can't emotionally handle most things#and that looks like it'll devastate me#not pjo#chitter chatter#tea watches tv#sorry folks my anxiety is really high tonight?#if yall were around for college or god FORBID high school then you know sometimes when im anxious i post like. a lot. like a lot a lot#it's been a bad few days in my brain#i need to talk to someone and yes i have friends online that i am also talking to but like. here we are#also like not trying to trivialize fellow travelers#some of those gifsets destroyed me WITHOUT watching the show#and others were gay sex scenes#good for them love to see it
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sometimes I wish I was a more interesting + charismatic person just so I could keep conversations going bc I like sharing space with other ppl but they routinely lose all interest and leave once I run out of things to say/start talking abt things that don't concern them :-(
#and boy do I run out of things to say so fast when I'm talking to friends who ik dont give a fuck abt any of my interests...#theres only so much i can make small talk or ask them questions abt their own interests/lives yknow. man#it just makes me feel like im constantly competing with smth else for other ppls attention all the time + constantly losing#eg. when i say smth + my flatmate reaches for her headphones a little dark souls banner appears across my vision like INTERACTION FAILED#and i can feel my rsd + insecurities praying on it like the more i feel this way the more it prophetically fulfils itself#by making me less willing to try and take up space so i become a smaller and smaller person around others#it frustrates me a lot sometimes and i dont rly have the will rn to undo that and force myself to take up more space regardless#ik this sounds like a water is wet complaint like oh nooo woe is me people get bored of me when i talk abt boring things (!!)#but when im spending time w ppl i like i enjoy listening to them talk even if im not interested in the subject bc its Them talking#and if they care abt smth then its worth hearing abt!! to me anyway. but it rly feels like no one reciprocates that idk#oh well not that it matters. at least i like the shit im into so i can talk to myself abt it in my head or on this site lmao#and i like myself as a person even if other people dont so theres always that. ur no 1 should always be urself <3#voicing this makes me feel so stupid + embarrassed urgh. i hate being anxious abt dumb shit i hate being the sort of person who worries#that their friends privately dislike/just tolerate them or whatever bc id never want a friend to worry abt whether i thought that abt them#and im not naturally a very insecure person!! i think im just feeling particularly vulnerable atm bc of the season + jobhunting so long#+ the fact im dissatisfied with my current social life + still feel very wobbly from not having other ppl i can trust or rely on etcetcetc#and thats just bleeding into other areas. and it sucks a lot. but theres nothing to be done abt it rn bc im not going to communicate it#to other ppl bc im not pathetic enough to make my anxieties someone elses problem + beg for pity attention im too proud for that 👍#anyway. gonna play some noita + then i rly need to work out today bc thats probs part of why im feeling so shite#if ur reading this ignore me im just venting itll pass. i hope youre having a nice day :^)#.vent#.diaries
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on a separate note, i'm in the mood for starters, so!! please tap the heart for a lil something! i ask that multi's specify, otherwise your starter may be vague rather than personalized. i may also approach you for a little bit of plotting if i can't think of a fun scenario on my own, though this will mainly apply if we have yet to write together. sometimes it's just easier if i have an idea of how our muses will interact with each other!
there will be a tentative cap of 5, though i may write more if i feel up to it!
#get ready to ramble | ooc#in other words feel free to request one even after we hit the cap bc i might go beyond 3 -- we'll just have to see how i feel!#i would write opens but i honestly don't wanna chance writing something that doesn't get replied to atm#just bc my muse is high and it's a bummer if it goes to waste uvu#also i might be off and on bc i'm preparing for tomorrow and being a silly lil anxious kid about it#i think it's bc i have to be around my friend's family and i just get nervous and my introvert starts panicking asdf#but we're gonna play barbies and chat about muses and take a chill pill! bc it really isn't that big of a deal i swear
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