#opiods save me....

[raymurata]

Chronic pain strikes again. X.x

[gravelgirty]

How I lost a month of work and health

This is not easy for me, but this is the situation. Buckle up, this is wild.

Our ex-roommate is a hoarder and has all of the mental health issues you may imagine. Among them is executive function disorder, the inability to make important decisions and procrastinate until it is almost/too late to do anything.

After 4+ years of threatening to move when we tried to get them to agree to a cleaning program so we could, you know, live in a healthy house, they found a new place to live. Cue worst moving company ever, that are so terrible they would make you feel sorry for the FAWLTY TOWERS cast if they contracted out to these misogynistic, lazy and ham-fisted movers and I won't name them because their employees have a disturbing history of holding your goods for ransom (extra fees out of nowhere) and actually threatening you if you hold your ground. Let's say the company name starts with S and rhymes with 'makeway' and leave it at that, ok?

Well, roommate had 2 cats rescued from the great outdoors and when they were kittens they were shy and skittish but they were somewhat socialized and gentle. But after about 4 years of living in a hoarder's classic labyrinth and losing every imaginable social interaction with humans, they went feral.

I tried to stop them from escaping the bedroom because the movers were leaving the doors open (another thing they ignored while they were busy breaking stuff).

Three of us wound up in Urgent Care that night; me, my kid and the roommate because these poor creatures thought they were fighting for their lives. I hold them no grudge.

Doc says if things don't improve in 2-3 days go straight to ER.

Well. My hand balloons up in short order and I can't bend my thumb at all. I dutifully pay for a Lyft (roommate is gone even if their things are still here) and this happens:

Diagnosis? Septic Arthritis.

This is a rare and scary condition. Cat bit through muscle, tendon sheath, tendon, and even impacted the BONE right at the thumb joint which is a spot almost impossible to reach with oral antibiotics. There's just not enough circulation for the drugs to do their work. So. To save my hand the plastic surgeon on call opens me up AND STRIPS THE SHEATH. I don't know how many stitches I even have.

They have me on a lot of antibiotics plus opiods for the pain and a shunt and tubes and all the good stuff.

Then they put me on vincomiacin, which is a common allergen. I woke up trying to take off my hair in the middle of the night. Like a hive of stinging wasps were under my skin. Cue IV benadryl for 2 nights.

I wound up paying $60 to get my hair cut short as a breath in vacuum when I was back on my feet because my scalp still hurts and is sore from the reaction.

I wasn't even the only person hospitalized in the largest hospital in South Puget Sound over a cat-inflicted wound. I was the 3rd. If you count the first night, I was the 5th. The winner was a woman who kept 4 unspayed cats in her house and thought she could wade in and break up a cat fight.

Priceless was the moment when the salty old nurse in ER muttered that at least I hadn't been bitten by humans, and it turned out she has Seen Things from the ambulance behind the mall on certain nights.

Ultimately, because I can't use the thumb without incredible pain and the mobility is toast, I'm off work until the 10th of November. I used up all of my employee sick leave and will have to muddle back to work and talk to HR about other options on getting some sort of emergency compensation to survive. Friends and family have been wonderful. They've helped with rent and offered rides, helped us get groceries, and all the things you need to make it through.

But I've lost my independence and it hurts, bone-deep. It's deeper than the injury.

We are facing a deep clean of the apartment because we love living here and we love the landlady and maybe if we'd been a harder a** about the hoarding this wouldn't have happened. Who knows. But lyft rides have cost us $200 and there will probably be more to come as I muddle through rehab and appointments and exams. I'm annoyed about the hair cut. I'm not feeling great about the ballooning weight and I am baffled that there is still a ton of stuff that isn't ours, waiting to be hauled out and the rental agency wants me to pay an extra $500 to re-word the lease (re: start over) because rental controls are on the ballot and they would make it hard for these jokers to sock me with admin fees if the new controls are met and I'm betting this is why they are trying to get the money NOW. In the meantime, the carpet needs to go because my kid has asthma and cat pee carpets aren't healthy for anyone. Not a word about the cleanup has been made from the person who caused this mess. I don't expect it, either. They are mentally ill and not capable of drawing the dots when it comes to things like this. Nor do they have the money. Hard lessons learned.

I'm not posting any of this to beg for money. Frankly, nobody I know has it to spare. As I sit at home I'll slowly work my way through my ko-fi page and try to sell more fiction, and art if my confidence levels go up.

But this is health care in America and I am considered one of the lucky ones because my co-pay stopped at $75 for the emergency X-rays and my pharmacy (Rite-Aid) is finding new and improved ways to keep us from getting our RX in a timely fashion, ran out of bandages, and my GP is tearing her hair out because she faxes meds to me and they simply don't read the faxes that come in.

There is no transportation assistance on my insurance--and I repeat, I am considered one of the lucky ones with a state job + benefits.

I'm applying for emergency assistance to see if there is anything out there because pride goes first.

My sister likes to say, "Life's a lesson, sometimes you're it." This is my lesson. Don't vote down health care. Vote up.

[dihalect]

just finished house. you should be picturing me staring pensively into space in a variety of unusual locations

content warnings for drugs (opiods), and suicide.

for those who may have forgotten, or who want to spoil themselves:

in the last episode: wilson is dying of cancer. he has about five months left. foreman bought house season tickets for some hockey team, so house would have an easy mode of socialization after wilson dies. house flushes them down some toilets, and the resulting flood caves in a ceiling and destroys an mri machine. that's felony vandalism, a violation of his parole — so he has to go back to prison to serve out the remainder of his sentence. (yeah, that's a thing.)

this episode is told non-chronologically, but the chronological version is: house's new patient is an unapologetic opioid addict. house knowing that struggle, combined with his current personal issues, allows him to bond with the patient much more than he normally would. they end up in an abandoned building together, they do drugs, and the building catches on fire.

house has hallucinated coworkers/friends to verbalize his subconscious in the past, and it happens again here. remember that these conversations all occur while house is refusing to leave an actively burning building. kutner, amber, and his ex stacy interrogate his thought process. finally, cameron brings everything back home. she understands that house, like wilson, has chosen that ending the pain is better than living with it. but she tells him that not only is he taking the cowardly way out, and he's too cowardly to even admit that. house responds that he can change, and he gets up to leave the building.

wilson and foreman, who have been searching for him, show up. they see a silhouette try to leave through the front of the building... before a burning support beam falls in front of the silhouette, making that whole side of the building erupt in flames.

then we see the funeral. all of the living current and former team members give their eulogies. i felt that they continued the earlier breakdown of house's psyche very well. it drove in what made house house, what made his story exceptional.

and i was thinking that this is the best way the show could end. i've known for a while that the end of the series has to present a real end for house, which is kind of hard to accomplish for a man who can weasel himself out of anything if he wants to. he told hallucination-cameron that he can change, but, well, he's tried and failed at that before. the one thing that's been able to take him down in the past is self-destruction. in my mind, the only ways for him to exit this narrative are to fully ~change~ (doubtful) or to become entirely incapacitated — basically, dead or in prison without possibility of parole. as a viewer, sure, i wanted him to evade prison and make wilson's last few months enjoyable. but narratively, him dying was the best option.

then. well. read this quote (pulled from this episode's wiki page):

Wilson: "He was my friend. The thing you have to remember, the thing you can't forget, is that Gregory House saved lives. He was a healer, and, and in the end... House was an ass. He mocked anyone - patients, co-workers, his dwindling friends, anyone who didn't measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth, but the truth is he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable, and he proved that by dying selfishly numbed by narcotics without a thought of anyone. A betrayal <phone rings> of everyone who cared about him. <Phone rings> Phone! A million times he needed me, and the one time that I needed him <phone rings> ... OH COME ON! This is a funeral! Just, get it! <Phone rings, phone rings>. Heh, heh, heh, well this is embarrassing. I'd sworn I'd turned this off. This isn't my phone." Text message: "SHUT UP YOU IDIOT"

karkat moment.

house faked his own death. we see him and wilson on some road trip. sure, i said above that i wanted to see that happen... but it didn't feel good to have that satisfying ending just to have it yoinked away at the last second. we, the audience, have absolutely no reason to have faith that house isn't going to continue being a piece of shit after this adventure ends --- or even just after the cameras stop rolling.

also. side note. cuddy was absent from the funeral (understandable) and the flash-forward showing how everybody moves on without him (less understandable --- even cameron is there).

[rampagingpoet]

New studies out on BC's Safer Supply initiative - opiod overdose hospitalizations are up, but overdose deaths are down.

To me that suggests we're doing a better job getting people who have overdosed to the hospital before they die?

I'll have to read the actual studies instead of just the local news story that spent as much of its length as possible wringing its hands about drugs before begrudgingly admitting there's evidence lives are being saved.

[trashwaaveactual]

This is a true story.  Normally I don't discuss politics at work but one co-worker just couldn't articulate his point (much like you). I linked him to several right and left leaning sources for information.

More jobs created with democrats in the White House, higher stock market performance and higher Gdp since 1900...heck 22 million jobs created with Bill Clinton in office in 8 years. Trump lost 3 million jobs in 4 years for God's sake!!!

https://www.thebalance.com/job-creation-by-president-by-number-and-percent-3863218

The number of indictments under Republicans linked him to several sources of Trump's 32,000 lies in less than 4 years in office.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-election-2020/trump-lies-false-presidency-b1790285.html

(Nixon's Watergate and Reagan's Iran Contra scandals, Iraq War lies, The Big lie)

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2020/jan/09/facebook-posts/many-more-criminal-indictments-under-trump-reagan-/

Trump’s campaign manager is a felon.

His deputy campaign manager is a felon.

His national security advisor is a felon.

His foreign policy advisor is a felon.

His personal lawyer is a felon.

His long time advisor is a felon.

The chair of his inaugural committee is a felon. 215 indictments.

https://news.yahoo.com/every-trump-campaign-administration-official-210841129.html

All of the pedophiles in the GOP: Trump, Gaetz, Rush, Hastert, Ped Nugent, Milo, Mark Foley, Roy Moore, Josh Duggar, Nader, Roy Cohn, etc.

https://www.pastemagazine.com/politics/republican-party/if-youre-a-nazi-or-pedophile-theres-plenty-of-room/

I even pointed out that this country has endured 11 major recessions since 1900 and Republicans were president for 9 of them. 

https://www.businessinsider.com/gop-presidents-us-economy-recession-democrat-presidents-save-it-2021-1I

Showed him the Gdp numbers showing blue states equals 14 trillion and red state Gdp equals 6 trillion.

https://www.quora.com/If-the-red-states-and-the-blue-states-were-separated-into-two-countries-which-country-would-be-more-successful-Why

I showed him how the size of government grows at a higher rate with Republicans in the White House.

https://reason.com/2018/05/19/stop-calling-the-gop-the-party/

(DHS is the perfect example). I showed him links that show the least educated and poorest states are all red states

https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/columnist/2018/10/21/midterms-poorest-states-have-republican-legislatures/1694273002/

(Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, South Carolina, Kentucky, etc) opiod abuse and deaths in predominantly red states. I asked him to name the top research hospital or university (other than Vanderbilt in blue Nashville) or high tech employer, in any red state or city and he had no answer.

https://medium.com/@kathrynstaublin/the-most-educated-states-voted-blue-f60f304531f7

I finally asked him why is he a Republican?  His answer was "abortion".  I asked about rape, incest and the life of the mother and what about all of the kids that we neglect (tons of Republicans paid for abortions) when they are born.  No answer. That was it and I have never talked politics at work again.

*Anything else?*

I'm a firearm owner and I already work. Which party is going to fight me over my guns?

[njsnumberonesuppstore]

Did you know that every 5 minutes in the United States 🇺🇸 someone dies from an overdose? Did you know on average everyday in the United States 🇺🇸 5000 adolescents attempt suicide? Please help me save lives… I am the Municipal Alliance Coordinator in our amazing town of North Arlington, New Jersey… If you know anyone with a heart for saving our kids from demon alcohol and drugs I need their help. Thank you 🙏 #opiodoverdoseawareness #opiod #drugaddiction #drugabuse #drugawareness #recoveryispossible https://www.instagram.com/p/Ci5WNixOxQa/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[roylustang]

I think it’s very unsexy of me to be so sensitive to substances. It would not take a lot to poison me.

[mediocre-writerr]

how to save a life [cassie howard]

cassie howard x fem reader

requested: hello! I loved your f! reader x Cassie Howard, so I have a request - f! reader x Cassie where the reader is depressed and wants to end their life, but Cassie saves her.

key: italics=rue’s voiceover

TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal thoughts

*not my gif*

Y/N Y/L/N was the perkiest girl in the entire school. The literal sunshine on the rainy day. Always saying hello to everyone and asking everyone how their day is, with a big smile on her face. It’s like a Disneyland worker on steroids.

I can’t tell you how many times she made my hangover worse by her peppiness.

She met Cassie and Maddy when they auditioned for cheer together. And the three of them plus Kat and Lexi were inseparable. But Y/N and Cassie more than others.

They’re what you called a best friends to lovers trope. And I guess that’s what they are. I don’t fucking know, well no one knows.

But I guess no one really knows what’s going on in Sunshine Y/N’s life.

You stared at yourself in the bathroom mirror. God you looked terrible. You haven’t washed your hair in days or probably even showered. You couldn’t remember, everything seemed to have faded together.

You didn’t know the time where everything started to go downhill. All of the cheer practices you went to and failed at the routine causing Maddy to have an aneurysm each time. Then there was hanging out with everyone which felt more like a terrible job than fun now. And even school as you watched your grades slip, letter by letter. There were a few letters on your desk: one for Kat, Lexi, Maddy, and lastly Cassie. You opened the Opiod bottle from when you broke your arm in a cheer competition, pouring them onto your hand.

You stared at the circular pills. Literally, holding your life in your hands. You were about to pop the pills in your mouth when your phone started ringing. Cassie’s name popped onto the phone. You fought in your head whether or not you should answer it, but you decided to do so anyway. You don’t know why, maybe it was because it was Cassie. Or maybe it was because you wanted the last voice to hear be hers.

“Hey love!” Cassie said excitedly and your heart pinged at how happy she was. Always so happy to talk to you and excited to see you.

“Hi, what’s up?” you asked, still looking down at the pills in front of you.

“I just wanted to check up on you. Maddy told me you weren’t feeling well so I thought I’d check up on you.” she explained and you smiled softly at her thoughtfulness.

“No yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired is all, I didn’t feel like getting yelled at for messing up the steps again.” you confessed, coming up with the best lie you could give. And she laughed softly. God how you’re gonna miss her laugh.

“I’m close to your house. I’m gonna come by and bring your favorite food, we can cuddle and watch movies for the entire weekend-“

She was about to go on, but you cut her off, “No! It’s totally okay, love.” you say a little too quickly, “I gotta go. My mom’s calling me and I uh I gotta go. I love you.”

“Y/N, what’s wr-“ she asked.

But you cut her off yet again, “I love you Cassie Howard.” you said, desperately hoping that she says it again.

“I love you Y/N. Are you sure there’s nothing-“

You hung up right away. You felt bad, but you couldn’t let her come by and see your find your dead body. It would break her, even more than it was going to already. Filling up the cup of water, you looked at yourself in the mirror and back to the pills. Well here goes nothing.

You shot back the pills, about to chug down the water. When your door bursts open to reveal your beautiful blonde. Her eyes gazed from the empty pill bottle on your floor to the cup in your hands. You got a good look at her and her eyes were clumped, obvious that she was crying. Her eyes red and puffy.

“Spit it out!” she exclaimed, but you shake your head, “Y/N please! I need you! Please baby, I can’t lose you. Just spit it out please.”

You finally spit the pills out, leaning your head against the wall. Tears falling onto your cheeks, “Hi.” you murmured. She pulled you out of your seat on the floor and into a big hug.

“You’re an idiot.” Cassie said, letting the tears fall and hit your shoulder. You did the same thing and both of you were sobbing. She pulled away, but cupped your cheeks looking at you with serious eyes, “Why?”

“I’m so sorry.” you said.

She shook her head, “No love it’s okay. You don’t need to be sorry, I just want to know why.”

“I just felt like such a burden. That no one loves me, even if I’m surrounded by the most love in the entire life I don’t deserve it. Not from my family or our friends or even you.” you explained.

“Look at me Y/N.” she said when you didn’t speak again, “I love you. You can’t leave me, okay? Please” tears bordering her eyes yet again, “I’m here with you every step of the way.”

“Okay.” you nod, “I love you.”

[gwydionmisha]

I know it's been one disaster after another since November, but here we are again.

The tooth thing that went wrong Tuesday that I thought was the usual bullshit turned out not to be.  this meant no opioids for the surgical pain and thus at most two hours of super low quality sleep brought

So I went to the emergency dentist.  It's bad.  Apparently no one who does root canals takes medicare.  I've no idea what it will cost as no one is open on Fridays.  I left messages around.  IDK.  Given my lack of success with raising oven money, I doubt I can afford it.

I go back Tuesday before my surgical post surgical check and they will do what they can to save the tooth for now by trying to recap it.  Odds are sixty forty on that.  If I lose the bet I lose an essential middle molar I need for chewing on the more functional side of my mouth.

I injured myself rather badly trying to push the forage delivery box out of the way so I could leave the sofa.  I will not know for a few days just how badly.

Now here's the real kicker.  You know how I hate taking opioids because of that rare genetic thing that runs on my Mother's side of the family and the whole partially expressed gene thing that also triggers with anti-psychotics and at least some other psych meds?  You know how I wanted off the oxy so bad I kept stretching between doses until I went into shock last Friday?  And the whole switching to tramadol except for sleep Sunday and the barely taking tramadol mostly for sleep all week thing?  Yeah, well the dentist was like you really need to take half an oxy so you can sleep.  It'll be alright.

It is not.  I've been getting weird little precursor warning sign things, like when I have a high fever, but nastier in tone.  It was reminding me very much of the time they tried antidepressants for my post concussive syndrome, but it did nothing so they kept upping the dose and upping the dose until I had full spectrum hallucinations and paranoia?  In that case I was rational and worked out pretty quick I was hallucinating and it was the anti-depressant.  

So you know the thing that happened with my sensative to opiods relatives  What does a hospital do when they have a violent person having an apparent psychotic break?  They put them on anti-psychotics.  What do anti-psychotics do to people with this rare ass genetic thing?  Cause paranoia and hallucinations.

Yeah, so the half an oxy caused me to hallucinate today.  It was only visual and I was rational, so that's good.  It took about two hours for the blood level to drop enough to make it stop, but I'm super not enjoying the adrenaline surges and tachycardia.

I maybe managed about two hours of sleep later.  At best.  interrupted by what I think of as rotten orange dreams.  This is a metaphor.  This is how unpleasant sharp and vivid a rotting orange smells up close.  Yeah.  They aren't nightmares in the something scary sense, but fundamentally unpleasant in the something feels not right in my brain sense.  They are the sort of dreams I get with a high fever, only the opioid version is nastier in flavor.  it's hard to explain.  so this was yet another impetus for taking as little oxy as I could get away with and just doing AS meds when I'm not trying to sleep most of this week, because even the tramadol has started giving me that kind of dream.

I suspect the issue here was that the last month before the operation it was incredibly hard to sleep without something to take the edge off the pain a little  I was doing my in emergencies only three times a week and just making do with the very little sleep otherwise.  (Normal, it's one or two tramadol at most in a month and only with things like, it hurts to much to move or U keep bursting into tears trying to make food because the pain is that bad or I'm being stabbed in the head headaches).

Add to this the post surgical meds and the oxy I had to take after for days to fend off shock and the tramadol I scaled down to as soon as I could begin to cope with the pain level and this is the most opioids I've allowed in my system since a botched surgery over a decade.

There are still two non-opioid techniques left in my quiver, but it is likely I will have to take a tramadol again between now and whenever it stops feeling like stabbing when I move in my sleep wrong, because Wednesday and Thursday night proved I can't yet get more than a couple hours of low quality sleep at best on just the AS meds.  Long term insomnia also makes one hallucinate.

So I'm a mess.  I'm going to be a mess for at least another week.  links are backing up again, many of them urgent.  Please be patient if I'm not up to the usual quality.

Not having a working oven is messing with my nutrition, but again being able to use that side of my mouth is worse.  If you want to chip in towards the not covered my medicare denitistry:

If you would like to help: paypal.me/Gwydion

[socialistsooner420]

lately i been seeing a lot of misinformation goin around regarding opositions to marijuana legislation as well as misconceptions of cancer that are just boiling my blood.

i think as both a cancer patient and as a marijuana consumer the most irritating arguments against weed are "THEY DONT REALLY CURE CANCER YA KNOW???"

yeah, i do know. if that were the case i wouldn't have cancer in the first place. but do you know what marijuana DOES do for us cancer patients? heres a little bit of perspective of what we have to struggle with

having cancer is not just "you have [x amount of time] left to live". thats only in the movies, its never as cut and dry as that. the sad truth is there's a LOT of uncertainty in the entire process, from discovering somethings wrong/finding the tumor, having the courage to go to the doctor and explain everything to them, having to endure many invasive, PAINFUL tests, waiting for the results (took 2 weeks to get mine back), then you have to figure out how tell your loved ones. Ya know what helped ease my panic during all that overwhelming shit? marijuana

fun fact: a lotta people leave when ya tell em ya got cancer! its an extremely depressing reality we have to face. a lot of people compare drug additcs to cancer patients, the joke usually being "you can yell at a person who got addicted to drugs, they chose that! but you cant make fun of a cancer patient, because they didnt!" well, unfortunately, people can and do "make fun" (more like bullying....) of us. people DO scream at us. for example: when i told my mom my diagnosis, she screamed at me, as if i chose to have cancer. she asked me "how could i do this to HER?". So not only is cancer a grueling painful process, its also stressful, confusing, heartbreaking, uncertain, overwhelming, and fucking DEPRESSING. Marijuana helps me get my mind off of all that. Instead of the constant thoughts such as "when will this cancer finally kill me so i can stop being such a huge burden on my family?" i can give my mind a rest and think happy thoughts instead.

a lot of cancers cause supressed appetites. thats why a lot of us are extremely underweight and gaunty. marijuana helps us regain our appetites and not have to starve and waste away! it also helps keep us at a consistent weight, another really dangerous problem for us.

In addition to having difficulty putting food down, its also hard for us to keep our food down. our supressed appetites come with the extra pain of extreme nausea and vomiting, which oh hey! personal experience i had today; i violently threw up 8 times in a row after only eating a bag of chips (supressed appetites make it VERY hard to eat actual meals), and i thought i was going to drown in my own vomit because i couldn't stop and breathe. i didnt smoke first 🤔 but i drank plenty o water and smoked some marijuana afterwards, and wouldnt ya know, no more nausea, and i was able to keep my next snack down.

cancerous tumors often become inflamed, randomly and for indefinite amounts of time. i cannot even begin to explain the unbearable pain it causes. it feels like there's a giant ball of itchy fire inside your body. Marijuana helps the inflammation go down and relaxes the body.

in addition to inflammations, tumors are just naturally painful. its a mass growing exponentially inside your body, compressing your internal organs, LITERALLY STRETCHING YOUR SKIN, and literally an extra weight to carry around. You know what can safely help take that pain away, without all the shitty side effects for pain medications such as oxys/percs (which is what they had me on before Oklahoma passed Medical Marijuana legislation)? Marijuana. Marijuana helped the pain better than oxy or percs, and Marijuana certainly didnt force me to become bedridden and sleep 20 hrs a day like oxys/percs did

Speaking of sleep, trying to sleep with cancer is also difficult. the pressure of anything even remotely close to your tumor area. I had a massive tumor in my breast that was almost 5 POUNDS, and even my shirt touching it hurt. imagine sleeping with a bowling ball extremely poorly ducktaped tightly to your chest. Thats what I had to do. you know what helped me sleep though?

you guessed it!

Medical Marijuana

there's so many more benefits that it has for different cancer types, as well as other ailments, but i wont go further because that would take forever to list. my point here though is that no medical marijuana advocate is saying its the end all cure all, just that there are many people that it could help who we're denying in favor of big pharmas opiod crisis.

its just plain ignorant and legitimately harmful to the people marijuana could benefit to deny that it helps sick people, especially cancer patients.

im so sick of hearing shit like "well pot ruined my sons life, now he's unemployed and plays video games all day" like bitch do you think i fucking care??

marijuana literally SAVED and continue to save my god damn life every day. its not pots fault you raised a shitty son with no rules or boundaries, i also know plenty of recreational smokers who hold down jobs and are well off, so its not weeds fault yr sons a loser.

im just glad oklahoma has pretty much the most liberal weed laws in the US. sq788 passed right after my surgery and i was so happy that finally i could legally and SAFELY get the medication that i had to do illegally for so long.

im ending my rant with this screencap of my favorite arch of archer when he had breast cancer which obviously hit close to home with me.

me too, archer, me too.

[sexylibra4000]

pre op w/ dr tuchler

hay yall so i just had my pre op appointment with dr tuchler through kaiser permanente in irvine ca!!! im getting double incision with nipple grafts in 5 days (the 7th of october) and i wanted to post about some of the stuff we went over!!!

• first we had to take pictures of my chest pre op which was. a uncomfortable to say the least but he was very respectful and it was really quick so it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be!

• he told me that i could do edibles but that i should refrain from smoking for 8 weeks post op because it might eff with my results

• apparently i dont need drains?? which was super weird id never heard of double incision with no drains but im releived i dont have to deal with the pain and emptying them out or anything!

• he also said i would be able to lift my arms over my head the entire time during recovery due to people having shoulder problems when the were done with surgery and stuff so thats gonna be nice!!

• i cant lay flat on my back for the first week after surgery AND i cant shower until the post op appointment when he changes my dressings so i hope the wipes and stuff will save me

• he gave me a huge list of pills and stuff i gotta take (lmk if u want the list) but importantly there was only one opiod on the list and it is only to be used if the other ones dont work which was super releiving to me because i didnt want to have to use insane pain killers lol

• he said the surgery would take about 2/2.5 hours and that i would end up being in the hospital for about 6 hrs and told my parents they could just drop me off so imma be all alone😭😭kind of nervous about that but im a big boy so im sure itll be fine!!

thats pretty much it !!! lmk if u have any questions or anything like that im happy to answer !!

[hopeshoodie]

5 & 29

5: Do you take drugs?

I haven’t in half a year, since I moved and started a new job. I haven’t needed to self-medicate as much. But prior to that? Yeah, HYPOTHETICALLY I experimented a lot... and to my NSA man that was a jokey joke hahaha funnie.

I’m not going to endorse it, some drugs I’ve seen ruin lives and some radically improved my mental illness. If you’re going to experiment

ALWAYS test your stuff for fentanyl

be in a safe environment

ALWAYS call an EMT if someone overdoses on opiods (because naloxone will save lives if administered early and you driving them will be too late)

Make sure you trust the people around you and they’re not going to take advantage of you

If you’re doing psychedelics, make sure you’re in a good headspace, because those can FUCK you up if you’re not careful

If you see yourself relying on them or habitually using them, seek support.

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend

I mean recently? One of my friend’s boyfriend sent me a bunch of explicit texts and a nude. Tbh I didn’t even know who he was at the time, so after some research it turns out he’s a super shitty person who’s lowkey on a lot neo-nazi forums and websites (while using his real name and the same username as his insta, dumbass). I told my friend about the radicalism stuff and luckily she broke up with him, but lied when she asked me why I was looking into him. The reason was I guess my friend is really insecure and I know she’d be hurt more knowing he wasn’t faithful than if he was a bad person.

[intersex-ionality]

Coperations not giving a cyborg access to their memories reminds me of pills and wheelchairs locked behind paywalls, or not literally. Is that a violation of bodily automy to deny people access to wheelchairs and life saving pills? Pills and wherlchairs are kind of like robotic limbs. This dumb doctor didnt slowly get dad one of opiod and made hin quickly switch to another one and gave him brain damage. Maybe that is nonconsensual too becauee he wasnt given proper info.

First, I want to say I’m very sorry for what that doctor did to your father. In an ideal system, something like that would have led to the doctor being sent to paid re-training for a period of time, and your own family getting compensation for the damages done, to ensure that your father got all the help he needed from other compassionate, trained professionals to recover as much as possible, and to make up for any lost skills or abilities when all was said and done. I’m willing to bet that didn’t happen, and I am so, so sorry.

So. To address the question itself.

Yes. Denying people access to the tools and medications they need to live and flourish is absolutely a violation of bodily autonomy.

It’s also exceedingly common, because assistive devices are expensive and not very profitable, and we live in a hellish dystopia where the imaginary scores of a few hundred people around the world are infinitely more important and precious that the actual lives of millions and millions and indeed billions and billions of other people.

In the case of someone like your father, for example, I’m willing to bet good money that the doctor who prescribed the sudden change was under an enormous financial and psychological burden as well, which prevented them from offering your father the care and explanations he needed. And, unfortunately, with the system we have in place today, fighting that doctor who not prevent them from harming other patients, it would merely add another stressor to the doctor’s already highly stressed life, causing them to make even more mistakes to other people’s care.

It’s not an easy system to critique--let alone fix--because the people who “seem” to be at fault, like doctors, are rarely the actual root cause of the harm being done. Rather, issues like insufficient pay and labour protections, inadequate educaiton in dealing with patients from a variety of backgrounds, insufficient support staff, and excessively high costs of medical supplies, are more likely to be the actual source form where these horrific problems arise.

And so, solving this problems tends to involve doing things that look like they’re prioritizing the comfort of doctors over the safety of patients, when in fact, the comfort of doctors often is the safety of patients.

[malafight]

Long-Ass Life Update (I’m not dead!)

Finally a life update now that I’m back home. It’s been a painful and tiring couple of weeks :’) And actually some of the days/times might be off because I was like super fucking out of it for most of that time period.

Anyhow, I went to the ER on Friday the 1st after 3 days of severe stomach pain, and the local hospital is like notoriously shitty but I was in horrible pain ok

They actually took me seriously for once, took me back immediately, ekg, ultrasound, blood and piss tests, and told me from the start not to eat or drink anything.

They told me they found gallstones and one or more might be stuck in the bile duct, but they made it sound like it wasnt inflamed and there werent many, so I wasnt super worried? They sent me for an MRI and then told me that they didnt have the capability to get out any stones, so they sent my ass an hour away via ambulance to a much better hospital so they could do the probe thing they needed to. It took until Saturday night to get a room there, though, and they didnt know when I’d get there and since they figured theyd want to do the probe ASAP, I was kept completely without eating or drinking for all of Friday night and Saturday, after not eating more than a few bites of muffin on Friday and next to nothing Thursday either because Everything Hurt.

Also, Fentanyl is fucking magic. Thats the only thing that even vaguely touched the pain.

So anyhow, I get to the other hospital at fuck o’clock at night and God Damn Staved because, like I said, bitches gave me No Fucking Food for an entire day (I’m not kidding that hospital is horrible and has a horrible reputation for ending up with killing people or making situations worse but the next nearest hospitals are an hour away in different directions and I don’t often have anyone willing to drive me that far and I often don’t feel up to driving myself that far if I’m already at “need to go to the ER, fuck the money I don’t have” point, and Saer has only just gotten into the USA and the last time they came with me to the ER they ended up with a virus for like three weeks and I wasn’t gonna do that to them again!!) and finally when I got to that hospital they were like “yeah we won’t be able to do the probe until Monday so eat something and then tomorrow you’re on a liquid diet and then nothing by mouth after midnight” so they scrounged me up some chicken broth and orange juice at like ten o’clock at night and gave me Those Good Good Meds and I slept in a decent hospital bed instead of on a fucking ER bed like Friday night (since they were transferring me at the local hospital they didn’t admit me and I slept in the ER. yeah. i hurt too badly to sleep on my side even with pain meds, and I slept on an ER bed. I had to sleep all day Saturday on and off just to get vaguely rested, but honestly? this whole ordeal has been an adventure in sleep deprivation despite heavy sedatives)

Monday rolls around and they take me for the ERCP (iirc thats what it was) where they put a thing down my throat and cut the bile duct wider so the stone could pass, get that bitch cleared up, all is well. I was heavily sedated and remember none of it, just waking up with different pain in my stomach and the world’s worst sore throat.

I was on a liquid diet from that and until the extraction on Wednesday. I have drank my weight in broth and orange juice.

Wednesday they take me in to remove my gallbladder. It was supposed to be a simple laparoscopic procedure, nip it out, pull it, I go home in a couple days with a couple small cuts on my belly. My dad (and several other people) reassured me that it was routine and quick, and is an easy procedure that should take 2 hours at most. I told him, “Listen, with me, literally nothing is ever easy and you know that”

Fast forward to me waking up and my first thought is “is that a catheter? guess it didnt go so easy after all.” I’m pretty sure the first words I said as I woke up were “told you it wouldnt be easy” lmao

Remember how hospital #1 told me that my gallbladder wasn’t inflamed and there were only a couple gallstones?

It was chock goddamn full of gallstones and so inflamed that when they tried to get it out laparoscopically, it tore. He spent an hour trying to get it out that way safely before realizing that his only recourse is to cut me open and get it out that way. The procedure took closer to 5 hours.

I have at least 20 staples in my belly now and I hope I get a cool fuckin scar but shit hurts still. I was in the hospital slowly ramping up to eating solid food again until Friday when I was allowed to go home to Saer. I can’t lift anything more than 20 pounds for another like month, and my range of motion is a fraction of what it was before. I’m so easily exhausted now and i can barely do anything and it’s really fucking pathetic??? and every time I bring that up Saer is like “they TOOK your ORGAN” so

(its really sad that i’m so conditioned that If I’m Not Doing Everything I Can All The Time Then I’m Not Trying Hard Enough that even after having full surgery to remove an organ I’m like NO I CAN DO THE THING and then end up hurting myself s-sobs)

(we watched the episode of b99 today where gina comes back after getting hit by a bus and when she tried to dance while still in the halo saer pointed at her and was like “it u” and i was like “exCUSE” but like, tru)

anyhow, im home, and i have my wife with me, and saer is such a blessing right now because i cannot do SHIT and they need to help me off the couch sometimes if my dumb ass gets in a position with no leverage, and also ive already fallen off the couch like twice because i was like NO I GOT IT and saer was across the room like BEB NO U DONT and yeah im stubborn and stupid ok saer is saving me from myself for the most part

also also the app i drive for is shutting down in my city at the start of december hhhhh so now i also have to fuckin... find a job like this and uGH do not WANT ffff

but yeah thats something even my parents have okayed me holding off on until I’m better so if even my fuckin parents are like “pls chill???” yall know im fucked up

however i’m mostly weaned off opiod pain meds now and am only using them at night when it’s worse and hard to sleep, tylenol tends to take care of it well enough now. my range of motion is improving, too, but i am just still so easily tired that its frustrating. we went grocery shopping yesterday and even in the little motor scooter i was completely worn out by the end of it.

but im alive! all is well! i will continue improving! sorry for being so quiet during this but like I said, i’ve been some level of sedated for most of this event. not fully sedated except for the two procedures, but fentanyl and dilautin (ok i have no idea what it actually is and google isnt helping but i had a button for it) and then morphine and hydrocodone on top of not getting restful sleep At All due to pain, discomfort, and people coming in every hour for vitals checks... I was fuckin Gone i got fuckall done rip

however once my pain-induced blood pressure spike was lowered (i saw them take it at the ER and it was fuckin RED) everyone was like “...you have really good blood pressure??” like i’m pretty sure i have low blood pressure naturally and my size/genetics gives me high blood pressure and they kinda cancel each other out, but yeah. pretty cool.

my family kept swinging between “IF YOURE IN THAT MUCH PAIN FOR 24 HOURS YOU GO TO THE ER. YOU DO NOT WAIT THREE DAYS.” and “...jesus christ you have a high pain tolerance”

//throws the horns thats what chronic pain does to ya baybee

my mom especially was impressed because she was just like “you’re so calm talking to them about how much it hurts how are you doing that” and im just like “its literally wasted energy to freak out and i hurt too badly to move so im just gonna sit here and tell them im a ten and hope they take pity on me because i have no other options”

anyhow fun new experience and im pretty sure ive broken my brother’s hospitalization record and also pretty sure i’ve got enough medical debt on me now that i can literally file for bankruptcy so

also i can feel a void near my ribs and it is so bizarre yall fuckin organs need to close the gap asap bc this shit weird as hell

[starrlikesbooks]

Happy September!

So many good books are coming out! Here’s a list of  books I’m looking forward to this month!  (prepare yourself, this is kind of long)

We Are Lost and Found by Helene Dunbar (September 3). It’s queer, it’s about a group of friends, and it’s in the 80s. This seems really emotional and possibly destructive (if you, like me, are the type of person who Perks destroyed).

The Nightjar by Deborah Hewitt (September 3). An urban fantasy story where magical birds called “nightjars” protect human souls. Alice, with her newly discovered powers, is now the only one who can find and protect her best friend's nightjar. Did I mention there’s a secret magical alternate version of London?

There Will Come a Darkness by Katy Rose Pool (September 3). I was lucky enough to read an arc of this, and so can say confidently that it is amazing! If you like ragtag groups, moral grayness, and prophecies, come read this book and talk to me about it, please!

Have a Little Faith in Me by Sonia Hartl (September 3). This is pitched as “Saved” meets “TATBILB”, so obviously I preordered it from my library while screaming on the top of my lungs. Fake dating, probably friends to lovers, and a serious discussion of sex, consent, and religion.

Minor Prophets by Jimmy Cajoleas. (September 10). A horror mystery centered around 2 teens, running away from their deceased mother’s husband, who is trying to adopt them. Seems spooky and wrought with good portrayals of sibling relationships!

His Hideous Heart edited by Dahlia Adler (September 10). An anthology of reimagined Poe stories! If that doesn’t get you excited, I really don’t know what possibly could.

Pet by Akwaeke Emezi (September 10). A fantasy story with a black lead, about tearing down the denial of adults to find the truth. There’s monsters, and friendship, and a creature who comes out of a painting!

Unpregnant by Jenni Hendriks & Ted Caplan (September 10). A timely YA about abortion that also doubles as a roadtrip story! Full of craziness and examination of good vs. bad relationships.

Frankly in Love by David Yoon (September 10). Gotta love the influx of asian rep in YA lately! This is about two Korean-Americans trying to trick their traditional/racist parents by, what? Fake dating of course!

The Babysitters Coven by Kate Williams (September 17). A spin on the babysitter’s club type of story, but with witches. Full of female friendship!

It’s a Whole Spiel edited by Katherine Locke (September 17). Another anthology- this one is all #OwnVoices Jewish stories!

Opiod, Indiana by Brian Allen Carr (September 17). I’ve been waiting for Brian Allen Carr to write something else, so I’m jumping on this coming of age story that seems like a Post-Trump version of Catcher in the Rye.

The Future of Another Timeline by Annale Newitz (September 24). I love a good time travel story! This one intertwines a near future activist, trying to change the past, and a 90s era punk girl who, after assisting in the murder of her best friend’ abusive boyfriend, starts on the path of protecting other women. 

Rules for Vanishing by Kate Alice Marshall (September 24). A horror mystery somehow written in a faux-documentary format? After a mysterious text telling Sarah and her friends to “play the game” they willing walk into the forest (camera in tow), determined to get back Sarah’s sister, who disappeared inside it a year ago.

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht (September 24). A horror novella promising blood and a darkness that twines into your very bones. Seems like the perfect read for those of you already thinking about Halloween.

SEQUELS!

Wayward Son by Rainbow Rowell (September 24). The Carry On sequel we’ve been begging for! Or, at least, I have. Simon has fulfilled his prophecy, ending the threat to the magical world... now what? This is a road trip story sure to be full of friendship, confusion, and that depressing feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself (or, as I call it, your 20s).

Bid My Soul Farewell by Beth Revis (September 24). The sequel to Beth Revis’ amazingly dark and morally gray Give the Dark My Love. If you love dark characters, people's slide from bad to worse, and necromancy and you haven’t already read it, go do yourself a favor and pick up Give the Dark My Love. This book is supposed to push Nedra even further into the dark!

[stephfights]

Chemo thought it had me....but I proved it wrong!

Well as I’m sure most of you are aware it has been one hell of a ride since the 4th round of chemo.  Let me go back and see if I can explain what happened.

On Sunday the 16th (five days after chemo) my good friend diarrhea came back with a vengeance.  I started taking my meds as prescribed and by Monday night it was still not letting up.  I got up Tuesday morning and knew I was getting dehydrated.  I was so weak.  I had no spit in my mouth.  It was horrible.  So I called the Dr. and they told me to head on down to Nashville to see them and get fluids.   I received 2 liters of fluid, some IV Zofran and went home.  They told me if it got bad again to call.  Of course it stayed bad and Thursday morning I got up in worse shape then I was previously.  I called and once again went to Nashville.  They gave me 2 more liters of fluid and more Zofran.  I literally had uncontrollable diarrhea.  If you have never experienced it then I pray you never do!!!  They went ahead and scheduled me for more fluid on Friday.  Chris and I decided to get a hotel in Nashville because there was no way I was going to make that drive home.  I was literally up all night.  Friday morning while I was laying on the hotel floor I begged Chris to get me some help and not to let them let me die.  He promised.  We were at the Dr at 7 am on Friday morning.  They came in looked at me and said they were going to give me the fluids but I had to be admitted to the hospital.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital but I knew there was no choice.  The Dr also said that they thought all of this was caused by one certain type of chemo and they were going to stop giving it to me.  It makes me sad because I wanted to get all of the meds that I could to get better.  I felt defeated.

I got my hospital room late Friday afternoon.  It was a tiny little room but hey...that just meant it was closer for me to run to the bathroom!  They started some different meds, one of which was a liquid opiod, and told me they would be checking in with me all night.  And they didn’t lie.  There is no rest in the hospital!  Of course the medicine made me sick so on top of the diarrhea I started puking.  Saturday came and I was still going.  They stopped the opiod and wanted to try some sort of injection.  I can’t remember the name of it.  It had to be done in my stomach and I got a shot every 6 hours.  And if you know me you know I hate needles.  And this particular shot hurt like HELL!  After you get it literally feels like you are on fire for the next 15 minutes.  I laid in the fetal position while Chris wiped me down with a wash rag.  But they did work....a little.Sunday was more of the same.  Monday they decided to stop the injections and try something else.  They started me on Oxycodone.  I know what you are thinking and I thought the same thing.  But at that point I was willing to try anything.  They also started Zofran and Immodium every 2 hours and Lomotil every 4 hours.  And it worked!  I started slowing down!  It was a freaking miracle!  You just don’t know how it feels when you think you might just die from diarrhea.  Tuesday morning they came in and said they were stopping the Oxy.  They would not let me go home while I was taking it.  We left all the meds the same.  And I still continued to slow down.  So late Tuesday afternoon they asked me what I wanted to do and I said “Bye Felicia”, looked at Chris and said lets blow this joint!

I have to say.  It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life.  Having my port accessed for days and trying to lay down with all of the IV tubes going into my chest sucked!  It was so sore and every time I made a run to the bathroom I had to make sure I grabbed all of the tubing and not catch it on anything and pull it out.  Of course my wonderful hubby was right by my side to help me.  He stayed with me the whole time.  Getting me snacks, rubbing my back, wiping me with a rag, trying to keep my spirits up and keeping me company.  We played a game at every meal to see if we could guess what horrible food would be on my tray.  That kept us entertained!  We also made friends with my nurses and had a good time chatting with them.  They all wanted to be in our room hanging out.  Lol   Dad and Mom took care of Clayton and brought him to see me.  Even though I don’t think he was a big fan of the hospital.  I made Mom promise me that if I died no one would know it was from diarrhea!  I told her to tell everyone I went out in a blaze of glory while saving 20 people!  She promised she would.  That’s why she is my ride or die! 

As of today (Wed) I am doing well.  I feel so much better and it is awesome to be at home in my own bed!  I am so thankful that my Drs. never gave up and kept pushing until they found the right combination of meds that worked with my body.  I hope that my body will withstand the remaining 3 types of chemo.  I only have 2 more rounds left until surgery.  Come on body...don’t fail me now! 

As of right now I am scheduled for chemo #5 on March 3.  If I stay doing well then I have the go ahead to do it.  If I get sick again they are going to delay it.  I really don’t want to do that.  I am ready to get this over with.

Thank you to everyone for the calls, texts, messages, cards, etc.  I have received a few gifts this week that were anonymous.  I hope you read my blog and I hope you know how thankful I am.

Love to all,

Steph