#open; my mind is on fire

[aroaceleovaldez]

What is the PR disaster in question that made Rick announce TSATS? I wasn’t active in the online fandom at that point

Of course! This was awhile ago so it figures people don't remember it/aren't familiar:

Basically a couple years back (2020) the fandom had some posts circulate discussing the ways different characters in the Riordanverse were written poorly or offensively. There was a masterpost that went around tumblr but the two major points people were particularly focusing on were Piper and Samirah (particularly because Piper had featured prominently again in Trials of Apollo recently and the third MCGA book had further emphasized and discussed Samirah being Muslim, since it was supposed to take place during Ramadan). Basically each had multiple posts breaking down the ways they were depicted incorrectly or offensively. The entire fandom for a little bit was VERY intensely discussing this (and it's around this time the "RR crit" tag got very popularized on tumblr - it did exist before, but suddenly was being used VERY frequently - cause it was that wide-spread - though the discussion took over basically every side of Riordaverse social media on different platforms). People really wanted Rick to respond to these criticisms, so he did!

He made two blog posts, one about Piper and one about Samirah. He has since deleted both so the links are to archived versions. The short version: he essentially tried to justify his poor research and double-down that he hadn't written them offensively, actually, people were just being mean to him. The fandom, of course, reacted poorly to this.

[Further elaborated events under the cut since this got a bit lengthy]

(Fun fact, this all happened within a month or so of the time i posted an open letter on aphobic tropes in the Riordanverse that Rick replied to, and then he immediately followed with announcing that Reyna was intended to be ace-coded [which cause a LOT of fandom debate] before Rick dipped for a couple of weeks, and then came back to post the blog posts in response to Piper and Sam stuff. So I like to jokingly refer to this as "The time I imploded the fandom/drove Rick off of twitter." Twas I that set the house ablaze.)

Rick fully left social media after this and the LT Musical social media manager became Rick's social media manager for the time being.

So this all happened June/July of 2020. Tower of Nero would end up being published in October of 2020 and a few months after that Rick would state that he was done with the series and wouldn't be writing any more series installments involving Percy, and also that he wouldn't be writing a Nico quest following Tower of Nero as it "wasn't his place to" and encouraged the community to write their own versions of Nico's story.

The community continued to circulate the tumblr posts and discuss the topics of Rick's offensive character depictions, and this is also where we see the dramatic shift in how the fandom depicts Piper in fanwork (though in most cases it is admittedly not an improvement 😬) because of all this discussion. This is also around the time when the fandom brought Viria under scrutiny claiming that she was whitewashing Piper as part of the same discussions, through the justification that she was drawing Annabeth as having tan skin (which she does canonically), and if Annabeth has tanner skin then Piper then that's whitewashing Piper? Except they were using completely separate images of not fully rendered Piper art versus Annabeth in dramatic lighting, so it's all very awkward and poor logic, and did actually get kind of racist. A lot of people were calling it "Tannabeth Blackchase" (yeah, i know) or similar and a common sentiment you'd see repeated is "Don't draw Annabeth as having darker skin than Piper, because that's offensive/racist/whitewashing." (Note: it was not phrased "don't draw Piper as having lighter skin than Annabeth" - we also won't get into certain offensive depictions of Native Americans, but I digress). But yeah, the Annabeth stuff in all that did not age well at all.

Anyways, in October of 2021 however Rick would announce that he was co-writing The Sun And The Star - with a lot of heavy emphasis on how Mark Oshiro works as a sensitivity reader, and some false advertising from the official social media that Mark Oshiro was the first time a non-Riordan author would be collaborating on the series (disregarding the ghostwriters completely). One of the big criticisms in the breaking down of issues in Rick's writing was his lack of ever seeking a sensitivity reader, and fans claiming that a sensitivity reader could solve a lot of the problems. This was basically Rick's "look! I totally listened!!!!" (though it did little to actually improve things, based on the book) and in TSATS as well Piper gets a large cameo at the end where the text very directly addresses a lot of points made in criticism of Rick's writing of her.

We also then of course got the CoTG trilogy later, explicitly stated to be for advertising purposes for the show.

So basically, short version: Rick came under scrutiny for a lot of offensive writing within the span of two months, made some bad blog posts doubling down about it, left social media. TOA ends. Rick says he wasn't going to continue the series/write what would become TSATS. Community celebrates the end of of the franchise but also continues to discuss Rick's poor writing and the blog posts at length. Rick suddenly announces TSATS and Mark Oshiro's involvement. Everybody gets distracted from being mad. Show announcement stuff also happens and the discussions peter out.

[sleepinglionhearts]

I think he's lovely in green

[hulloitsdani]

*slowly rises from my coffin*

So Alfonse and Kiran right?

I was talking about this game the other day to the poor yet willing ears of friends (a very common occurrence bless them) and I finally managed to articulate what I found compelling about their dynamic. And I want to share these ideas with you all, because if I don’t I will explode. You understand.

As a refresher to previous ramblings about this game, Fire Emblem Heroes’ consistent theme across its characters seems to be loneliness. Everyone is haunted by what a lack or loss of companionship threatens to do them. On top of this, based on the characterization we receive from side materials and the tiny glimpses we get in-game, I believe Kiran has the capacity to be the core of a lot of these themes. An isekai protagonist suffering from being isekaied would be a gold mine for this idea. I deeply enjoy further extrapolating their character and giving my pitch for what this goofy tactician could be like if they were allowed to be an actual character outside of a self insert.

With all that in mind— oh no Alfonse and Kiran’s loneliness latch onto each other like glue.

Alfonse’s loneliness is a culmination of how he was raised, but funnily enough, it’s not immediately clear that this is the case. It’s both a little baffling and borderline amusing to see how much the abandonment of Zacharias affected him in book 1. It reads as a bit romantically coded for a reason. Not hard to assume that Alfonse took it so hard because of some unresolved pinning. Which I’m not going to even remotely deny isn’t the case, but it is intriguingly not the full answer.

In book 3 we meet Alfonse and Sharena’s parents and come to the understanding that oh! Oh no! Their childhood was not good! Having two stable parents did not alleviate them from the themes of loneliness. Their childhood was a very isolating experience and smothered by the extreme expectations that defined that household. An idea which is only reinforced by book 4, where as child, Sharena was lonely enough to want to leave reality entirely and escape to the realm of dreams. And depending on your read of it, she did. Needless to say that these two grew up lonely with a capital L. This means that Zacharias was potentially one of their first and only friends. Period. That recontextualizes how hurt they were when one day he just vanished for no attainable reason. As one of their only sources of connection, that would be traumatizing.

Now Alfonse in particular is someone who, once he is attached, cares so so deeply and is completely ride or die. It’s as if all the love that had nowhere to go for years finally comes out all at once. And, surprisingly, he knows that. He knows because he tries really hard NOT to be. Being that emotionally driven and vulnerable is something he is expected to grow out of if he wants to succeed as a ruler. So he tries to temper it with extreme practicality. Big emphasis on tries. After the loss of Zacharias, he logics out that if he can’t stop these strong feelings for those he cares for and ending up profoundly hurt at the inevitable loss, then he’s going to remove the problem from board. Entirely. No more bonds of friendship. Shoo. Go away. The isolation from before was better than this. He could control that, at least.

Enter Kiran, who sees that and says, “aight bet.”

Despite Alfonse’s best efforts, they end up hitting it off and becoming friends. Just instantly click. Two halves of the same braincell. Commander Anna was initially worried about how standoffish they were, but her worries were clearly misplaced. Now she is left trying to figure out what the hell her tactician and right hand man are even talking about as she struggles to pinpoint when exactly she lost control of this meeting. And this becomes a delightfully common occurrence. Alfonse has fully failed his attempts to keep them at arms length and Kiran has succeeded in kicking his walls down. They are now both deeply attached.

But this means Alfonse has a new problem. He’s gotta navigate two conflicting and volatile emotions— feeling increasingly awful for incidentally forcing Kiran into their given circumstances but DESPERATELY wanting them to stay. And I could theoretically come up with a more eloquent way of putting this, but I described the situation to my friends as having the same energy of the “hey can I try rizzing you up?” bit. But instead it’s “hey can I convince you stay in Askr as the Order’s tactician?”

“PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE—”

I find that this wonderfully communicates how much he genuinely really likes them. It’s honestly very sweet and very clearly mutual.

This then brings me to the fan favorite voice line, in which Alfonse says, “Promise that you’ll never leave us… without warning me first.” The line delivery emphasizes the duality of the previously stated feelings he’s working from. Alfonse wants to be clingy so so bad, but he respects Kiran’s autonomy and is willing to cast his fears to the side for their well being. Just… warn him, please? If that’s going to be the case? (Which he’s desperately hoping it isn’t.)

There is a deep irony to this situation. He’s not too aware of it yet, but lucky for him, Kiran isn’t going anywhere! But unfortunately that isn’t as great as it sounds.

See, Kiran’s loneliness is a different demon. As briefly touched on before, Kiran is facing the natural mental and emotional consequences of being isekaied to a new alien world. Their life just got entirely reset and that’s not the purely fun escapism that you desperately want it to be for them. It turns out culture shock has some serious hands! Hell, it’s almost funny. There’s this twinge of dread whenever they mention the world they left behind. They’re from our modern day, sure, but… maybe it was bad for them? It’s odd to wish for a tragic backstory on a character, but it would mean coming to Askr was better for them. That no one would miss them and they don’t have anyone to miss.

But that is not the case.

Kiran had family. Kiran had a life. Kiran had goals and dreams they wanted to accomplish that are truly no longer possible. They cannot go home and they’ve been dropped into an active war zone. And the only way to survive is to partake.

That’s all pretty bad, right? Absolutely awful? But… somehow it hasn’t been. Sort of. Not fully. Of course some of it is, however, our other protagonists put massive effort to ensure that Kiran is as happy and comfortable as they can possibly manage. And then some! Commander Anna, even upon realizing that this supposed savior was just a scared civilian with no combat experience, gave them shelter, food, and a job. Instantly. Without question. She didn’t even know them! That’s not something they take for granted. Hell, if they think too hard about it, they might start crying. Because that’s genuinely so fucking nice! She took what should have been the worst day of their life and turned it into the start of something new.

And that’s just Anna. All of them did this! Even Alfonse, who despite his clear issues, made an active effort to ensure they were alright. It was not as almost aggressively friendly as Sharena or as surprisingly giving as Anna. No, it was a bit more subtle. He would observe, inadvertently find them struggling with something, and then offer his services. Even if it was for something Kiran might not have been bold enough to ask about. Because Kiran is not going to pull Anna away from her work to help them find a modern map in a library. That feels rude! Or at least intrusive! Instead they’re going to struggle in the corner until they figure out how Askr dates things. Or not apparently, because Alfonse spends a lot of time in the library and has noticed their visible distress. He comes in for the rescue and fails to suppress a smile at Kiran’s dumb “aw my hero!” pun.

You can begin to see why Kiran called bullshit on Alfonse’s no friends deal.

All of this has had a funny little consequence on our silly little summoner. Kiran deeply mourns the loss of their home. They might not show it, but they do. However, thanks to the massive support of their friends, they start making a life for themself here. A new home, with some of the nicest people they’ve ever met, in the most beautiful place they’ve ever been, and in a way that means the world to them.

A home that they are going to defend fiercely, because they know damn well that they don’t have it in them to start from scratch again.

No one embodies this desire more for them than Prince Alfonse. He becomes the emotional center of it. A home in Askr doesn’t exist without him in their life. So no, Kiran is not leaving. Kiran is dying in Askr— dying for HIM more often than not. When we look upon the breidablik Líf carries, we stare in quiet horrified knowing. Alfonse did not active the blood rite. It was not his blood spilled on the altar. It was not his heart beating until no one was left. It was theirs. They couldn’t do it again. Kiran took the only out. And when Líf stares at the summoner with mourning and vitriol, we know why.

Clearly, the way their loneliness comes together can and has been played for emotionally devastating consequences. This intimate relationship is born from this deeply personal and less than perfect part of themselves. Yet, somehow, we get to see the version of this relationship that prevails against all odds. Where they inspire each other to be better and lessen the burden of the loneliness that threatens to undo them. And damnit that gets me.

TLDR; they should explore each other’s bodies sometime and be locked in the world’s slowest slow burn. Thank you and good night!

[anpiels]

YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO ARVAGANDA

[brainrotcharacters]

tell me I'm wrong

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Screaming from the crypt (or how the past haunts the present on Midnights)

I know it's been discussed so much since Midnights came out but just.

I love how there is such a clear narrative throughout the album (and perhaps especially on the 3am/Vault tracks). About questioning and regret and choices and coming to terms with all of it. It is one long story about how we're all a mosaic of the choices we make, each one taking something from us and leaving something else in its place.

(And now a disclaimer: I'm looking at this mostly through a narrator/subject lens, and trying not to dive too deeply into real-life events or speculation except for in a general sense. For this purpose I like to look at the body of work as art, like literature, because I find it makes it easier to see the common threads in the different songs and cohesion in the narrative.)

In looking at the 3am+ tracks in particular, it's fascinating how some turns of phrases or themes repeat themselves in different songs, in different contexts. (I'm only focusing on the non-standard tracks because there are too many songs and I'd be here all day but I bet I could do a part two lol.) I know many people have pointed out the parallels throughout her discography already and I’m not saying anything groundbreaking by writing this, but I love how these parallels run through in the same album, because it makes it seem like it's one long story, or at least, one long rumination on many different stories that are coalescing into a single narrative.

Battle (let’s go)

For instance, the one that jumped out at me when I started writing this post the other week was, "Tore your banners down, took the battle underground," in The Great War and "If clarity's in death, then why won't this die? Years of tearing down our banners, you and I," in Would've, Could've Should've. It's a story about staying stuck in the same cycle of reliving trauma and coping mechanisms and bad habits over and over again and fantasizing about how taking the “antagonist” out and gaining the upper hand for good would bring closure (WCS), but the truth is that nothing ever will. All that cycle does, though, is repeat itself in other situations, and in this case pushes someone away the narrator cares for (TGW). The difference is that the imagined battle in WCS is a two-way street in her mind (that is ultimately unwinnable because it was never a fair fight), but in TGW it's one-sided -- she's the one fighting dirty, taking shots, the way she'd been doing in her imagination (or nightmares) all these years. But the person in front of her isn't fighting back the way the person in her mind in WCS would, because their intentions are honourable instead of exploitative.

And that's paralleled in another pair of lyrics from the two songs, "And maybe it's the past talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did," (in TGW) and "The tomb won't close, I fight with you in my sleep," (in WCS). In both cases, the funeral imagery makes it seem like this past event should be dead and buried in WCS, but it keeps rising from the dead, haunting her no matter what she does and in TGW, another (or perhaps the same?) tomb that won't close keeps unleashing new ways to hurt her and in turn the new person in her life. In other words, the trauma from the past continues to bleed into the present.

(Again from a literary point of view, I'm not saying the events of the two songs are linked IRL, but they're fascinating textual parallels on the album as a string of chapters, which is why Dear Reader is so compelling, but that's a whole other essay.)

To keep the battle motif going, there’s yet another parallel, this time between TGW’s "[You were a] soldier down on that icy ground, looked up at me with honor and truth," and You’re Losing Me’s "All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, fighting in only your army.” In the former, the subject is laying down his armour in the war she’s projecting onto him, waving the white flag, and she realizes that she’s about to destroy something if she doesn’t put her sword down too. By the time we get to YLM, the roles are almost reversed; at the very least they’re supposed to be on the same team, but in this case she’s doing all the heavy lifting, fighting for their relationship in contrast to his apathy killing it. It’s also pretty interesting (if not outright intentional) that one of the 3am+ editions of the albums starts with The Great War, where they find themselves in conflict (even if it’s in her head) that ends in a truce, and ends with You’re Losing Me signalling the end of the relationship, evidence that the resolution in the first song wasn’t an ending but merely a ceasefire before the last battle.

Putting the rest under a cut because this is waaaaay too long now ⤵️

(There’s also another metaphor there in The Great War with its battle imagery: World War I, aka The Great War, was supposed to be the war to end all wars, because loss on its scale was never seen before and when it ended, most thought never again would the world embroil itself in such battle, the horrors and implications were so devastating. Two decades later, the world found itself in WWII, with an even larger scope and more horrific consequences, the intervening time between the two a period of festering conflicts and resentment leading to some of the worst acts the world would see. Bringing real life into it for a second, there’s something a little poetic, though sad, about The Great War the song being about a fight that could have ended the relationship that they ultimately resolved and was meant to be evidence of the strength of their love, but so too did it end up being a period of détente, the greater battle coming for them years later. But that is not the point of this post.)

If one thing had been different

Another major theme in these editions is pondering the "what ifs?" of life, but I think it takes on even more significance in the broader context of the album in the lyrics of "I'm never gonna meet what could've been, would've been, should've been you," in Bigger than the Whole Sky and the repetition of would've/could've in Would've, Could've, Should've (I would've looked away at the first glance, I would've stayed on my knees, I would've gone along with the righteous, I could've gone on as I was, would've could've should've if I'd only played it safe, etc.) In both songs, the narrator is mourning an alternate course their life could have taken* and questioning what they could have done differently, in the aftermath of trauma and loss, and the regret that comes with that loss, and with the loss of agency in the situation because ultimately it was never in their hands. In an album full of questions, wondering about the path not taken, or the forks in the road that have led to a different version of your life, it's digging deeper into the contrast of choice vs. fate, action vs. reaction, dwelling on the past vs. moving on. When you're supposed to let go of the past, what do you do when it is holding your future hostage?

(*I know there are different interpretations/speculation about BTTWS which I am not getting into on main. I'm just saying that whatever the song is about, it's grieving something that never came to be. The literal origin of the song is less important to the album than the sense of loss it portrays. Whatever the inspiration is, it's crafted to tell part of the story of Midnights of ruminating over how, to borrow from her previous work, if one thing had been different, would everything be different?)

(Also I was today years old when I realized that the words are inverted in the two songs. Apparently I've been hearing BTTWS wrong this whole time.)

There's also an interesting tangent in the role of faith in both songs: in WCS, the events of the story cause her to lose her faith (e.g. "All I used to do was pray," "you're a crisis of my faith,") and question all the things she felt had been unquestionable until that point in her life (e.g. "I could have gone along with the righteous"), whereas in BTTWS, she questions whether that very lack of faith is to blame for the loss in that song ("did some force take you because I didn't pray? [...] It's not meant to be, so I'll say words I don't believe"). It's like pinpointing the moment her life changed and upended her beliefs (WCS), but as a result then leaving her unmoored in times of crisis because ultimately there's no explanation or comfort to be taken from what she used to hold true before that (BTTWS). The words she once relied upon to guide her have long since lost their meaning, but in times of trouble it leaves her wondering if that faith she once held then lost could have prevented this pain.

(Shoutout to WCS for being Catholic guilt personified lol.)

To keep on with the vaguely faith-y notions, an obvious parallel is the line in Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve about, “I damn sure never would've danced with the devil at nineteen,” and, "When you aim at the devil, make sure you don't miss," in Dear Reader. All of WCS is about her fighting with an antagonist who haunts her, with whom she wholly regrets ever becoming involved. DR could be seen as a reflection on that fall from grace, warning the audience that if you choose to go after the person (or thing) haunting you, make sure you do so clearheaded enough to be decisive. Again, these “devils” may not be related in real life: the IRL devil in DR could be speaking about her naysayers, or Kim*ye, or Scott & Scooter B, etc., meaning not to cross your enemies until you know you can win. But taking real life out of it and looking at it textually, I am intrigued by the link between WCS and DR, so that’s what I’m going with here. And perhaps that’s even the point in a wider sense; there will be multiple “devils” in your life, or threats to your well-being. If you’re going to commit to taking them down — whether it’s an actual person, or the demons inside you that refuse to let you go — make sure you have the right ammo so that they can no longer hurt you. (Of course, one lesson from these experiences is that sometimes you can’t win, and you have to live with the fallout.)

(Sidebar: I know that “dancing with the devil” is a turn of phrase that means being led into temptation and engaging in risky behaviour, as opposed to describing the actual person. Given the religious metaphors in the song, that could very well be/is the intention, particularly when it’s preceded by, “I would have stayed on my knees” as in she would have continued to follow her faith — in whatever sense that means — had she never met this person, which could also be a more eloquent way of saying she would have continued to be live her life in a way that was righteous (even naive) and seen the world in black and white. Either way, it’s a force she wholly rejects. Like I said, multiple devils, same fight.)

Regret comes up too: in WCS, she says, "I regret you all the time," obviously directed at the person who manipulated her and led to her perceived downfall, citing him as the one impulse she wished she'd never followed, because it won't leave her no matter how hard she’s tried. In High Infidelity, she tells the person to, "put on your records and regret me," and on the surface, it’s like she’s turning the tables, painting herself as the one now causing the regret in someone else, the one inflicting the pain this time. Yet the verse preceding it and the lines following it in the chorus depict a partner who is also emotionally manipulative and vindictive like in WCS (“you said I was freeloading, I didn’t know you were keeping count,” “put on your headphones and burn my city,”). It’s not so much that she’s intentionally harming the person (the way the person in WCS does to her), but rather that the venom in the subject’s feelings towards her seeps through; she’s imagining the way he’s going to feel about her when she leaves, hating her just for by being who she is. (There could be another tangent about how in both songs she’s there to be a “token” in a game for both of the men, who play her for their own purposes.) The regret is dripping with disdain. It’s as though she’s picturing how the person is going to hate her for doing what she’s thinking of doing the way she hates the person who first hurt her.

Sadness, unsurprisingly, shows up in a few lyrics. In BTTWS, “Everything I touch becomes sick with sadness,” sets the scene of a person so overcome with grief that it permeates everything around them; they cannot see their way out of it and feel like the fog will never lift. In Hits Different, it’s, “My sadness is contagious,” the result of a breakup where the person’s grief again touches everything and everyone around them, pushing them further in their despair and loneliness. The reason behind the grief in either case may vary, but regardless of the source, the feeling is overpowering and isolating. They may be different chapters in the story, but the devastation is hauntingly familiar. (As is a recurring theme in Midnights as a whole: there are situations and feelings that present themselves at different points in her journey and colour in the lines in different ways along the road. Like revisiting an old vice and realizing the hit isn’t quite the same as it was in the past.)

Death by a thousand cuts

She also writes about wounds on this album, which isn't surprising I suppose given that the whole conceit is that these are things that have kept her up at night over the years. WCS is perhaps the driving narrative on this never ending hurt when she sings, “The wound won't close, I keep on waiting for a sign, I regret you all the time,” suggesting that no matter what she does, the pain of this experience has permeated everything she’s done afterwards. (Not unlike the overwhelming grief in BTTWS, for instance.) Elsewhere, in High Infidelity she sings, "Lock broken, slur spoken, wound open, game token," and in Hits Different, "Make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding.” Again I'm not suggesting they're about the same events; the line in HI is about a situation where a partner crosses a boundary, hits below the belt, picks at an insecurity (or creates a new one) and treats the relationship like it's transactional, opening the floodgates in turn. In HD, the wound seems to be more self-inflicted, where she's pushed the person away. (Over a situation real or imagined she feels she needs distance from.) But again, something has picked at her like a raw nerve, and just like in the past, she's hurting, even in a different time and place and person. Almost like the wounds of the past break open over and over again to create new scars. If one were to extrapolate further, it wouldn’t be the biggest leap to wonder if the wound open in WCS, then torn apart in HI makes the one in HD hurt even more.

(I once wrote a post about how I think as time goes on, WCS is going to turn into one of those songs that will be found to drive so much of her work, because it’s just… kind of the unsaid thesis statement of so much of her songwriting.)

Another repeated theme is that of the empty home and loneliness. In High Infidelity, she sings, "At the house lonely, good money I'd pay if you just know me, seemed like the right thing at the time," painting a picture of someone who may have everything they'd want to the outside world, but in reality feels metaphorically trapped in their home (or at least alone amidst abundance), a symbol of a relationship gone sour and a failure to build connection. She just wants someone to understand her, want her for her, but as she's written earlier in the song, she's just a pawn in the game, a trophy from the hunt. Home, in this case, is lonely, isolated, an emblem of her fears. In Dear Reader, she continues this thread, then singing, "You wouldn't take my word for it if you knew who was talking, if you knew where I was walking, to a house not a home, all alone 'cause nobody's there, where I pace in my pen and my friends found friends who care, no one sees you lose when you're playing solitaire." It's the same idea, admitting to listeners that the gilded cage she lived in kept her distanced from her loved ones and real connection, keeping her struggles close to the vest but feeling desperately lonely amidst her crowning success. She's pushed people away and it may have felt like the right thing at the time, but in the end maybe felt like she was trapped. And when you push people away, eventually they take you at your word and stop pushing back; you’re a victim of your own success at isolating yourself. What starts out of self-preservation then further perpetuates the underlying problems.

(There's another interesting link about "home" also feeling unsafe with HI's "Your picket fence is sharp as knives," which further leads into the theme of marriage/domesticity feeling dangerous, which is a whole other thing I won't get into here because it's another discussion and may derail this already gargantuan word salad.)

In a slightly similar vein, we have the metaphor of bad weather for a rocky road or unstable relationship, in High Infidelity again with, "Storm coming, good husband, bad omen, dragged my feet right down the aisle" and You’re Losing Me’s "every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes.” They aren’t speaking of the same situation or even same kind of breakdown, but it is pretty interesting how the idea of clouds/storms/floods/etc. play such a role in Taylor’s music to signal depression, apprehension, fear, uncertainty, etc. In HI, I think the “storm” coming is the looming threat of commitment to a partner who makes the narrator uneasy (if not fearful). In this case, the idea of making a life with this person is not one that incites joy or comfort, but instead makes the narrator feel that dark times are ahead if she continues down this path. Perhaps in some way, the “storms” in YLM have made good on the threat in HI in a different way; it’s a different home, a different relationship, but the clouds have settled in regardless, and some of her fears have come to fruition in ways she did not expect. The person she once trusted no longer sees her or her struggles (or worse, doesn’t care), and the resentment and pain build with each passing day.

Coming back to heartbreak, one of the obvious "full circle" moments is the beginning of a relationship in Paris, where she says that, "I'm so in love that I might stop breathing," clearly enthralled in a new love that allows her to shut the world out and grow in private, capturing the all-encompassing nature of the relationship. This infatuation has consumed her in the most wonderful way (in contrast to the sorrow of some of the previous songs), and it feels like a life-altering (or even life-sustaining?) force that is so strong she may forget what it’s like to breathe. (Metaphorically speaking, of course.) By the end of the album, though, in You're Losing Me, that heart-stopping love has become a threat: "my heart won't start anymore for you." In the former, her racing heart is full of excitement, but by the latter, her heart has given out completely under the weight of the pain she bears. (YLM is full of death/illness imagery which I already wrote about awhile ago so I won't hear, but needless to say that song deserves its own essay for so many reasons.) She's gone from the unbridled joy of the beginnings of a relationship to the unrelenting sorrow of its end, two sides of the same coin.

Love as death appears elsewhere in the music too, for instance, in High Infidelity’s, “You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough" and You’re Losing Me’s “How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying? […] My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick.” Though not completely analogous situations, they both tell the tale of one partner’s apathy (or at least denial) destroying the other. In the former, the partner’s actions (or inaction) are more insidious, if not sinister; in the latter, the lack of momentum (or admission of a problem) is passive. In both cases, the end result is the narrator’s demise; it’s a drawn out affair that chips away at her morale and her health and her sense of self. (Breaking my own rule about bringing in alleged actual events into the discussion, but the idea that the relationship in High Infidelity, which was obviously fraught with unease and even fear, ended in a similarly excruciatingly slow and hurtful death by a thousand cuts as the relationship in You’re Losing Me almost did at that time must have been so painful. It almost feels like YLM is wondering why what used to be a source of light in her life was mirroring a situation that caused her such pain in the past.)

From the same little breaks in your soul

I said early on that part of what is so compelling about Midnights is that it feels like an album about ruminating — on choices, on events, on people — and the two final “bonus” tracks of the album depict that as well. In Hits Different, she sings that, “they say if it’s right, you know,” an ode to the confusion of a breakup and struggling with the aftermath of calling it quits. It’s a line that has always intrigued me, because the typical use of the phrase is in the sense of, “you’ll know when you meet the one,” but here it seems to have a double meaning, a reassurance perhaps from the friends (who later on tell her that "love is a lie") that she’ll know if she’s made the right decision in calling it off, but could also be her wondering if the relationship is right, she’ll know, and want to reconcile. In the final bonus track, You’re Losing Me, she sings, “now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it’s time,” this time leaving no doubt about the dilemma she faces, though it’s no less fraught. She’s wondering, perhaps for the last time, if now is finally the moment to end the relationship for good. They say that if it’s right she’ll know, and now she’s wondering if that feeling inside her (that once told her her partner was the one, which is why it hit differently), is telling her that it’s time to go for good. Wait Alexa play “It’s Time To Go.” These are not only the things that keep her up at night, but the things that play over in her mind like a film reel in her waking hours.

Midnights as a whole is a deeply personal album, as is most of Taylor's work, but the 3am+ edition tracks seem to dig even deeper to a lot of the issues raised on the standard album. Almost like the standard tracks are the things she wonders about on sleepless nights, but the bonus tracks are the things that haunt her in the aftermath. The regret, anger, sadness, grief, relief, even joy— they’re the price she pays for the memories she keeps reliving. Midnights might be the most cohesive narrative of all her albums, and really does feel like we’re watching someone work through her journal over time, stopping short of outright naming those giant fears and intrusive thoughts (except for when she does) but making them plain as day when you connect the songs together, and perhaps never more clearly than in the expanded album. It’s incredible how the songs stand on their own to relay a specific moment in time, but that they are also self-referential to each other (whether thematically or overtly) to weave a larger web over the entire work. We’re so lucky as fans to have these stories and to keep peeling back these layers as time passes. (And my literature-analysis-loving ass loves her even more for it.)

This is obviously by no means an exhaustive list, and I know there are more parallels and probably even stronger links (particularly when you add the standard version into the mix), but these were the ones that particularly struck me and I’m just glad I’ve had a chance to sit with this and think it through. ❤️

[icewindandboringhorror]

sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye

[sieglinde-freud]

I BEAT FIRE EMBLEM AWAKENING!!

REREGGHRHRHAHGEHRHHRH

[poetfilm]

dillon is neurotypical passing*

(*had to tell a guy working in my building that i am indeed ridden with the 'tism and he was surprised by this because i seem "well-adjusted". worse things have been said about me)

[tkbrokkoli]

i wonder if arthur and john ever try to do smth w two hands but it's extremely awkward. like arthur is cold and they wrap their hands around a cup of tea and when arthur tries to drink from it it spills all over him. bc it's hard to coordinate when you share a body and each of you has one arm but only one of you has the eyes

[mayvaava]

I saw Wicked yesterday and it was pretty cute, I’d have liked it more if I were normal about The Wizard of Oz, but I am not. So, it was cute.

I like the strange little poly thing they have goin on, tho it feels close enough to the ol love triangle trope that I was a little irritated, but it was fine

It was very well produced, and as far as modern major Hollywood movies go, it was very good

[welcometogrouchland]

Steph on a desperate quest to get Damian to unwillingly incorporate informal gotham-isms into his speech by using "jabroni" in every other sentence

[cmentary-drive]

Hm, unguarded shipment

[nebuladreamz]

Mom come pick me up the voices are loud again (the image of the poster children of Creepypasta in. Slender's Mansion again. All as one big fuck ass family. Fucked up one with issues abroad. But also one of mutual understanding and what if I want them to heal and grow as people. Forever changed by the events or even what they are fundamentally but still being able to live in this world as who they are now with a support group of beings similar yet so distant from themselves. They can never go back or completely change who they are without damaging themselves or there's nothing else to go back to anymore, so all they can do is move forward. And kill people, that's always a bonus)

[endlessfuckup]

can someone from another country adopt me please

[vigilskept]

me on the character creation screen: i should really play a different watcher this time

also me on the character creation screen: godlike, moon godlike, elf, the white that wends, mystic, ranger, bear, karaoğlan, ayla.