#op you’re so right ! my mom thinks you’re a monster thought you’d like to know

[timothylawrence]

also sorry I’m really tired of seeing people explain their racist family members in my post talking abt anti Arab racism and Islamophobia. I don’t need to know your family member thinks we’re all violent beasts . It’s ok. Just rb and go 👍

[thethistlegirl]

Comfortember Day 9 (Confessions)

@nevcolleil Here’s a LONG overdue continuation of the universe I wrote a while back for your prompt about Jack being Mac’s actual biological father! (For those of you who haven’t read it, the first part is here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17086982)

Jack sits in the GTO, wrapping his hands around the steering wheel and clenching and unclenching his fingers. Mac's probably still asleep after last night. Unaware that Jack is sitting out here holding onto a secret that's going to shatter his world more completely than even the most complicated bomb the kid's ever defused. Honestly, Jack isn't sure if maybe James was right. They were better off not knowing. Because there's a fifty-fifty chance that Mac will be so angry at Jack for leaving his mom that he'll never want to speak to him again. But now that he knows the truth, he'll be no better than James if he doesn't walk in there and tell Mac. About Ellen, about Kosovo, about everything. He owes his son the truth.

His son. It sounds so strange to even think that. Before he can lose his nerve, he gets out of the car, walks up to the door, and knocks. It takes a few tries, but finally a very sleepy, bed-head Mac wanders up to the door, checking the peephole, thankfully, before opening it. Jack has a sudden attack of emotion, thinking about what it would be like to be greeted by a smaller version of this very picture. Mac already looks like a teenager, and it doesn't take much to imagine him even younger, yawning and blinking at being woken up early. "What are you doing? Family don't knock." And that's what pushes Jack over the edge. He feels the tear trickling down his cheek without really having noticed it forming, and Mac's mussed figure looks blurred and watery, like Jack's looking into some magic mirror that's going to warp and show him the past he could have had. "Jack?" Mac sounds genuinely scared. "Kiddo, let's go out on the deck. I think we gotta sit down." Mac's face comes into sharper focus, worried. "What's wrong? Did you have a doctor's appointment? Are you dying? Like James?" Like James. Jack really is no better than that jerk. He's been railing on the man for leaving a kid behind. When he did the exact same thing. He can't decide if it's better or worse that he didn't know. "No." And that's all he says until they're both sitting down. The damn photograph is still there, sitting on the bench where Jack left it. Jack picks it up slowly. "There's something you don't know about your mom," he says hesitantly. "Wait. What?" Mac sits down. "Was there something in the dossier you got from Matty's that you didn't tell me?" "It wasn't in there, hoss." Jack sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I knew her. Last night, when you showed me this...I recognized her." He hands the picture frame to Mac. "How did you know my mom?" Mac asks, clearly confused. "I thought you said you didn't even come to California before you met me. You called it snob land. Said the only reason you'd even stay was to keep me alive." "James didn't tell you she was an agent." There's a terrible sound of shattering glass as the picture frame falls to the deck, and Jack stares at the shards like they're an oracle telling him what to say next. Because if Mac reacted this strongly to finding out what his mom really did, then telling him the rest is going to half kill him. "She what?" "Ellen Jackson was a black ops agent when I met her. Specialized in retrieval of items that fell into the wrong hands. We crossed paths on an op in Kosovo that went belly-up for us both." Jack sighs. "It was...an intense forty-eight hours. You know how those things are." Mac nods. "I still...I just...she..." And then his face goes white. "Is that..." "She died in a car bombing in Shanghai." Jack doesn't think it's wise to talk around the truth. There's a choked sob from Mac's side of the bench, but Jack can't stop the avalanche of pain now. He needs to get this out or he never will. "Mac, the two of us...after we met...we were involved for a while." He waits for some sort of disgusted reaction, but that's more Riley's department than Mac's. She's always the one with some sort of weird joke. Mac just...breathes. In and out like he's trying to stave off a panic attack. "Mac?" Jack isn't about to be selfish enough to put his need to tell the truth now over Mac's health and safety. "Do you...Are you okay?" He realizes it's a stupid thing to say the moment it leaves his mouth. "I just found out my mom was murdered, because she was an agent, and no one bothered to tell me, do I look FINE?" Mac practically screams. Okay, well, at least Jack getting cozy with his mom isn't the worst problem Mac has with this whole scenario. He turns to Jack, eyes shining with tears and wide like a panicked wild animal. "Did you KNOW?" "I didn't even know who your mom was till I saw that picture last night." He already said that once, but he doesn't expect Mac's grief-addled brain to recall that. Mac nods slowly, then picks up the frame, looking down at the broken glass. "So you remember her? You said you..." He trails off. "Don't think I could forget. And I don't mean that in a creepy way." Jack shrugs. "She was the kindest person I ever met. Even in a job that can make a person a monster." A monster like me. "I just still can't believe it." Mac sighs. "I mean, not you and my mom, but...okay maybe that too. Like, how weird would that have been?" He chuckles weakly. "You were this close to being my dad." "Bud, I am." The words hang in the air like the smoke from one of the campfires on a day when the air pressure settles in and traps the city smog. Mac doesn't move. Jack can't tell if he's even breathing. "Jack, this isn't funny." The words are a harsh monotone when they finally break the stillness. "Even for you. This is too much. Stop joking."

"I'm not. I talked to James this morning. He told me everything."

"That's impossible."

"No. Your mom and I were together in '89..."

"I know how it works. But you can't be my dad. You can't." Mac's shoulders have begun to shake. "That's not how things go."

"I'm so sorry..."

"You're fucking SORRY?" Mac shouts, and there's a thud, he's slammed the picture down on the bench. "Everyone's lied to me my whole life, and you're SORRY?"

Jack doesn't bother to say he didn't know. Mac's got to take his anger and grief out on someone. And better Jack than James or what few memories the kid has of Ellen. James will...Jack doesn't actually know what that man would do. And he doesn't want to taint Mac's few good memories. 

He shuts down, the way he knows all too well how to, while Mac yells and curses and even throws a couple sloppy punches. He can check out and take the hits. But when Mac begins sobbing, crumpling to his knees on the glass-strewn deck, Jack blinks and reaches for him.

Mac doesn't resist, letting himself be pulled into a gentle hug. Jack rocks him back and forth slowly, like he should have done twenty-eight years ago. He can't say it's okay. Or anything else. But he can hold his son while he cries. He can do that much.

[skaashis]

hunger. 

➤ you are miya osamu

wc: 2.7k 

warnings: food, op is hungry, miya osamu centric, manga & anime spoilers

note: I'm 1-2 days late to the funeral/party but pls accept this really short miya osamu character study (kind of. barely. There was hardly any studying as i’ve allowed the spirit of writing take hold of my hands for a solid two hours.) as my elegy/offering to haikyuu season 4’s finale and the 40 tabs of poetry & fics that crashed on me earlier this evening. 

You are Miya Osamu, seven years old, and eating in the new ramen restaurant that just opened up for dinner. The place was apparently highly-anticipated as it’s apparently the first Hyogo Branch for an infamous ramen chain that's apparently rated with two Michelin stars. The interior is traditional and neat. The walls, floor, and furniture are of finished wood in varying shades. The staff look old, the chefs look older. You, Atsumu, Pa, and Ma are seated with menus and gurgling stomachs, and walk out with takeout. Hands chained together, you all walk towards the parking lot and Ma lets out a squeal of satisfaction saying, “that was real good wasn't it, Atsumu, Osamu?” 

Atsumu being the dimwit brat he is, nods viciously as if his eyes aren't already drooping as a sign of an incoming food coma. He proceeds to say he’s reaaaaaaaal full! And how he really liked how soft the noodles were and how rich the broth was and how soft the noodles were. Ma hums in a smile then looks down to face you, asking you for your own opinion. You only shrug and say, “I’m full. Just not satisfied” 

Ma looks at you, mortified. Pa guffaws his lungs out and manages to wheeze out how you better be thankful that you’re out of the restaurant's vicinity for you might have gotten your first lawsuit at seven! You don't completely understand what he means but knows it's something bad. In the car ride back home, you stare out the window and wonder why. 

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You are Miya Osamu and think that Aran Ojiro is hella cool. He’s got a hella cool name, hella cool physique, and hella cool lunch he brings to school one day. They’re pancakes. Not really the ideal lunch meal, but hella cool either way because they’re nop ordinary pancakes. They’re corn pancakes, except, as Tsumu (his new name that you both proclaimed post-meeting Aran-kun) says after taking a bite, there’s no corn in it. It just tastes like corn. You pull out your own plastic chopsticks from your bento to take a taste as Aran explains. He says there’s something his mom puts that called ‘cornmeal’. Before you could take a piece, Aran halts you and shuffles for something in his lunchbag, only to pull out a mini tupperware of freshly chopped green onions. With glimmering eyes, he recommends that you try it out with the green onions garnished above before you take a bite. You nod, take his advice, and your mouth explodes with colors. It’s beyond sweet or savory or spicy or umami. Pancakes have always been either flat or fluffy alone, never so interesting and flavorful until now. 

Ma picks you and Tsumu up later that day and you ask her to buy some cornmeal and extra green onions the next time she goes to the market to buy groceries. 

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You are Miya Osamu and it's New Year’s. You’re also yelling at Tsumu too keep it up, who in return, is also yelling at you to keep it up. Ojiisan is chortling in endearment, Obaasan is cackling her lungs out. When the Mochi is finally done, you and Tsumu exchange glares with your arms folded in a huff. Tsumu mutters how you, Samu, is so stupid and dumb and slow, when you know for a fact that HE’s the one who’s stupid and dumb and slow. Obaasan, being the ever observant granny she is, hitches a brow teasingly and asks if her precious grandsons have changed their precious names into something else. You and (a)Tsumu splutter up a string of apologies and excuses, only for her to cackle once again, this time simultaneously hitting you both on the back as she does so. Ojiisan is the one to tell your Obaasan to calm down now as he distributes the mochi. 

Obaasan smiles with the softening of her eyes after taking a bite of the mochi and says it's good. Both your and (a)Tsumu’s hearts swell in pride. She then smiles with her dentures flashed in a wide, cheshire grin, adding how it could’ve used a little more oomph! She says it’s good because food is always good when you’re happy. And you’re happy when you make decisions for yourselves. And when you’re making decisions for yourself, you’re supposed to make a decision that you think will make you happy. You and Tsumu nod while reaching out for your own mochi and she’s right, it’s too soft. 

But you think, huh. It does taste a lot better. 

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You are Miya Osamu and firmly believe your brother is a curse. Or perhaps it’s the other way around. You’re the curse. Ma never told you who’s older or younger, and probably (likely.) (definitely.) for the best. Though, you’re also one half of the newly infamous Miya Twins™ (synonymous with: chaos incarnate) who have recently shaken the ground of the volleyball world. The other half of the Miya Twins™ is Atsumu, who puked in the bus before the first game in your first nationals that no one, everyone, would have expected you’d win. Of course, you only reach the semi-finals, but that alone is a feat in itself. Still, on the bus ride back to Hyogo, while your eyes aren’t swelling with tears anymore, they’re mapped with veins and your heart’s the one doing the swelling, but with distraught and a promise to give it your all until the very end as one half of the Miya Twins™. 

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You are Miya Osamu and the team that stands before you across the net is Karasuno. Whom no one, everyone, would have expected would come this far. They’re an amalgamation of rookies, geniuses, and straight up monsters. They’re an odd bunch but so is your team. You’re both standing in the court, in Tokyo, match being ingrained into the minds of every person watching whether live or through National Television that'll either last forever for them to talk to their grandkids about or just fleet away the next day. Either way, the memory of such alone is proof that they’ve come this far. So are the jerseys being drenched in sweat, bruises blooming on their forearms, and the muscles being more and more conditioned as each three centimeters of a second passes by. 

“Hey ‘samu? I’m startin’ to feel hungry.”

“Me too, ‘tsumu.”

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You are Miya Osamu, scarfing down on the third best gyudon you’ve had in your life. It’s served in the Tokyo branch of a well known gyudon chain and only the third best ‘cuz Ma’s is and will always be the best, and yours will be the second best because you’re seventeen and self-proclaimed one hell of a home cook. It’s third best probably because of the garnish or the beef’s quality or how well-cooked the rice is. Or the fact that you’re eating it right after a loss. Food is always better when it's used as comfort or a coping mechanism. If it’s decent and you’re feeling like shit, your brain always registers it as the best thing in the world for at least the next few days. But you’re smarter than Gin who’s ordering his third bowl because it's the best gyudon he’s ever had in his life. But also, food is always better when you’re happy, when you make a decision for yourself that you deem would make you happy. You’re not happy, but you’ve decided that you’re gonna be the junior Kita-san’s forever gonna brag about. 

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You are Miya Osamu and practice the next day is grueling. Even fiercer and vicious than the already fierce and vicious practices your body had been accustomed to pre-nationals. Not completely by coach’s order, rather by the hunger born as an aftermath from yesterday's events. It’s also a water break. The mere three minutes your body is given to repair its own muscles before another set of serves. Riseki mentions how yesterday, Kita went on another one of his strange speeches in the midst of the match. He reiterates how Kita believed everyone on court were monsters and all, that's really the bare minimum Riseki’s pea brain, in comparison to Kita-san’s argentinosaurus of a brain, was able to absorb. You nod and hum in acknowledgement, after all, you thought the same too at one point of the match. But now- 

Your gaze shifts over to ‘tsumu who’s across the gym and trying to create a heimlich by punching his chest. God knows what he’s choked himself up on again this time. 

-your face twists into nonchalance. Even from the other side of the gym, you feel tsumu giving you the stink eye as Aran’s obligatorily assisting him. It's probably the twin senses. The guy’s no monster. Even if he was, monsters are supposed to be terrifying. Like the ones scaring you from under your bed. Or crawling up from a well and out of the TV screen. Or dipping fingers along with a french fry into a ramekin of ketchup in a team outing, like what Tsumu doe— Ah. 

(Later that night, he does it again. He’s no monster, just a stupid fuckin idiot.) 

(A disgrace to humanity.)

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You are Miya Osamu, it’s the week after the last Spring High National Tournament, 1AM, and you should be asleep. Instead, you’re googling: what the fuck do retired athletes do when they’re retired. Your back isn’t aching and you dont smell funny yet, but you’re a teenager and tired and your brain whirrs in the strangest of times. The search results are blurry as like does a black hole, sleep succumbs and swallows you into itself. 

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You are Miya Osamu, holding your brother in a headlock. The catalyst to the impromptu wrestling match in the gym was you admitting to Atsumu that you’re no longer playing volleyball after highschool. Some delusional part of yourself hoped for some kind of peaceful talk. Y’know, with puffy gowns and smiles and chamomile tea. But Tsumu’s childish and you’re apparently a FUCKIN’ [REDACTED] [REDACTED] HORSE-CRAP-LOOKIN’ [REDACTED] BITCHASS [REDACTED] [REDACTED] SHITTY SCRUB. As per usual, you throw each other, yells (Communication between the Miya Twins™ was either inarticulate yelling or twin telepathy alone and nothing in between.), and punches around. There’s no real winner or loser in your quarrels as either Ma’, the coach, or Kita-san is always quick to end it. This time, when Tsumu yells at you that when you’re in your deathbeds, he’s gonna say that lived a happier life, you grin fierce, proud, in pain, and attempt to keep tears from streaming down your eyes. There’s no winner or loser to this fight as it doesn’t, and will never end until you’re on your deathbeds trying to deem who lived a happier life. 

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You are Miya Osamu, sweating profoundly, and the touch of the ball your brother set to you barely quarter a second ago is faint. The Twin Quick Attack, Minus Tempo. He gives you a look that says “are ya still thinkin’ about quittin’?” You slam the ball down along with returning a look that says “fuck yeah.” The ball creates a deafening echo as it ricochets off the ground. 2014 Spring High National Tournament: Inarizaki High School vs Karasuno High School (2:1)

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You are Miya Osamu, swearing you’re about to go blind because of the continuous flashes of cameras being sent your way in your graduation. Ma’ and Pa’ are in tears, so are a few of your classmates and teammates and juniors. Some people say that they wished highschool would never end but that’s a load of bullshit. Highschool sucked. Calculus sucked. Everyone many Some people sucked. ‘Tsumu definitely sucked. Playing volleyball— didn’t suck. It never sucked. 

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You are Miya Osamu and adult-ing sucks. Taxes, landlords, income— Never have been fond of economics and likely never will. They said that when you become an adult, you’re finally gonna be thrusted into the world of freedom and happiness. Freedom is for everyone, children and adults alike. Happiness on the other hand, is temporary and reserved for times like a good lunch, and only permanent for people swimming in bills and coins and gucci. You? You’re just some guy making equilateral riceballs for a living. The food industry is always a gamble. To make a name for yourself, you’ve gotta keep thriving. To keep thriving you require consistency in improvement. That means more branches, more flavors, and more investment while making sure the quality never drops. It's difficult and mentally taxing. It also makes the whirring of the ceiling fan seem louder than it should be, making you feel smaller, more alone, than you should feel. You take another piece of manchego and narrow your eyes into the list of potential new flavors you could sell. A high-pitched DING! from your phone causes you to lose the staring contest you’ve had with the sheet of paper in front of you. 

From: Kita-san 

I’ve prepared the rice for pickup. See you tomorrow, Osamu.

 You grin at the notification and text him a quick thanks. You stand up and flip the paper around in order to get read for bed. Something tells you you’ll figure it out somehow and soon. 

(you do. Spicy pickled cucumber onigiri is fresh and a well selling item in Onigiri Miya the moment its introduced.)

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You are Miya Osamu and firmly believe your brother is a menace, but also a nuisance. Yet here he is, likely (definitely) unaware of the splatter of soy sauce his cheek is smushed upon that you weren’t able to clean up from the former customer as he’s too immersed in his own personal venting. He’s whining on and on about how he can’t seem to perfect this new special serve he’s been working on for a while now. You’re familiar with this co called “special” serve he’s trying to pull off as it’s been the only thing he’s been texting you daily about. Because you’ve heard of it a hundred-or-so times and you were also supposed to close up ages ago, until he came waltzing in with that stupid pout and blonde hair of his. He’s a menace and nuisance but also your brother, so you offer him your own two cents and fresh onigiri. The night goes on with you both talking about Kita-san and life and the time Bokkun got his hand stuck in the pipe system back over in the MSBY dormitories. As you close up the shop and part ways, Tsumu yells at you saying he hasn’t figured out the serve yet, you yell back at him that he’ll figure it out somehow. 

(he does. he debuts the new menacing northpaw serve, entitled the “hybrid serve” the next match the MSBY have.)

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You are Miya Osamu and formally meet Akaashi Keiji for the first time. You recall him as one of the setters for Fukurodani, the highschool that often appeared in lists of participatory schools in the nationals as well as the former abode of your brother’s teammate, Bokuto “Bokkun” Koutaro. The dude’s nice. Probably needs more sleep, but generally nice. Seeing him and so many other people from highschool all gather up in Sendai for the match fortifies its already well-established significance. The crowd quivers and roars in awe as the MSBY win, some of shock, others of pride, many over at the Adlers side in goodbye to the sum of money they’ve pooled into bets. You quiver and roar in a grin, proud of your brother and the incoming flock of hungry customers coming over to your stand. 

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You are Miya Atsumu and your brother is Miya Osamu. No surprise he’s 60+ and still making those stupid equilateral riceballs of his. Probably because he’s got his life up together. Definately because he’s a FUCKIN’ [REDACTED] [REDACTED] HORSE-CRAP-LOOKIN’ [REDACTED] BITCHASS [REDACTED] [REDACTED] SHITTY SCRUB. You enter the shop and the doorway is no longer one you’d have to duck for in order to enter. The place is really neat. Sumiko-chan (16, working part time) welcomes you back and says Osamu-jiisan’s break is still in an hour or so. You wave her off saying you’re just gonna get a minced tuna and spring onion onigiris to go. She nods and tells you to wait for five minutes. You do so and in those five minutes, you watch ‘Samu smile as he’s heartily making those stupid equilateral riceballs of his out of rice and love and whatever the fuck each flavor requires. 

He’s probably happy. You're probably happier. But he’s definitely happy.

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Follow Me Home (Part 6)

Summary: Dean and the reader take a detour with Hawkins to get his side of the story and figure out who to believe once and for all...

Pairing: Cop!Dean x reader

Masterlist

Word Count: 3,200ish

Warnings: language

A/N: Enjoy!…

______

“What?” said Hawkins ten minutes later, pulling out of the highway rest stop. 

“Did you really have to steal a car?” said Dean from the passenger seat. “And insist on driving?”

“You just punched Dean in the face, Hawkins,” you said, crossing your arms. 

“I’m sure he’s been punched before. He seems the type,” he said, getting onto a side road and heading South. 

“I don’t think your dads like me very much,” laughed Dean, rubbing his face.

“Well most guys that knocks them right out so I guess you’re tougher than you look,” said Hawkins. 

“Why’d you punch him,” you asked, pulling out your knife.

“Because he takes too long and I don’t have time for the cop to agree to taking a car we’ll be sure to give back. We need to get off the highway, off the road, and lay low for a minute. I haven’t slept in two days and I need to know we’re safe while I find a place to crash,” he said. “Now put that knife away before you hurt yourself, Y/N.”

You stared at him for a few minutes before you slipped it back into your pocket. 

“Could-” started Dean, Hawkins turning on the radio and blasting the volume.

“No more talking.”

“I got to say, I preferred Jim’s cabin to this one,” said Dean, sitting down in a hard chair hours later, smiling when you grabbed some ice from the freezer for his face. “Thanks.”

“It’s a friend’s hunting cabin. Bare bones,” said Hawkins, walking around and pulling down some shades, locking the door and turning to where you and Dean sat at the small kitchen table. “I have a feeling you two are going to run off on me when I sleep.”

“Give us a reason to trust you and stay then,” said Dean. Hawkins reached behind himself and pulled out a handgun. He held it out grip first to Dean.

“He won’t think twice about killing her this time. Any of us. You make sure that doesn’t happen, understand?” he said.

“Yeah,” said Dean as he took it.

“Just get her back to her mother if it goes bad,” he said.

“Why?” asked Dean.

“I promised her a very long time ago I’d bring her home,” said Hawkins, heading into a backroom. “Give me a few hours, then I’ll answer whatever questions you have.”

You both waited for him to shut the door, Dean looking back at the gun in his hands.

“What do you think?” you asked. “Do you think his story makes sense?”

“He’s kind of a son of a bitch,” said Dean, looking over at the closed door. “But he feels...different. He’s scared but not like Jim was. If my daughter was kidnapped from me for 26 years, I probably wouldn’t be the most easy going guy either. We barely got his story so we’ll have to see on that front. What’s your gut telling you?”

“Hawkins is my father for sure. He looks too much like me. Jim is definitely the one that raised me from the time I was six though. You saw all the pictures at the cabin. I never knew the difference,” you said.

“Which one do you think tried to kill you?” Dean asked.

“Hawkins has shown he’s not afraid to be violent. And Jim left us both alive when he had us,” you said as you picked up Dean’s makeshift ice pack again. “If we’re looking at facts alone, I think Hawkins is more untrustworthy.”

“Funny. The facts are telling me Hawkins would rather throw himself off a cliff than ever harm you,” said Dean.

“What do you mean?” you asked, Dean leaning into your touch.

“Sure, he hates me. I don’t blame him. It sounds like someone grabbed you at the hospital you were born at. The cops probably let him down over and over again and there’s resentment there. But you, he’s gentler with you. He’s trying to be nicer to me, for you. Y/N, he’s an ex-super solider. You’ve seen him. I’m not a wimp and he could kick both our asses without batting an eye. But he’s trying, for you. If we can confirm a baby was taken from a hospital, belonging to your mom and Hawkins, I think...I think maybe we can be a little inclined to believe him,” said Dean.

“I thought I believed Jim. Now I don’t know who to believe besides you,” you said.

“We’ll figure it out. Why don’t you take a nap, sweetheart, while I keep an eye on him, okay?” said Dean.

You nodded, giving his forehead a kiss as you made your way over to the lumpy couch.

“Hey,” said Dean, shaking on your shoulder. “Hawkins is up.”

“My name is John by the way,” he grumbled, digging through your cooler that’d been brought in. “Were you two planning on surviving off of jerky and gummy bears?”

“We were going to stop for food,” said Dean.

“Benny’ll be pissed,” mumbled Hawkins, going to a door and returning with a frozen slab of meat. “I hope you two like cured venison.”

You made a face, Hawkins smirking at it as he turned back to the stove.

“It’s not that bad, honey. Oh and hey, cop,” he said, waving Dean over.

“It’s Dean,” he said, stepping over carefully.

“Well, Dean, you mind poking through the cupboards? I’m sure there’s some plates around here somewhere,” said Hawkins. 

Dean eventually found some silverware while Hawkins dumped some chunks of venison in a pot with some beans on the stove. He said it’d be done in about an hour, not that it looked all that appetizing. 

“So,” said Hawkins as he sat down at the table across from you and Dean. “I’ll take fact that I didn’t wake up arrested or dead as a good sign.”

“You tell us your version of the story, then Y/N and I will decide if we believe you or not. Got it?” said Dean.

“Where would you like me to start?” he asked, taking a deep breath.

“The beginning,” said Dean.

“Of what? This mess? My rollercoaster of a marriage? My career? The assholes that took her?” he said.

“You and my mom,” you said, his face turning softer. He bit his bottom lip but nodded.

“I met your mom when I was on a weekend pass from duty. I guess...I was never much for school. I grew up in a military family. My dad, his dad, so on. I joined straight out of high school. I was in the army, then army rangers, then went to sniping school and then the rest you technically need a clearance for but I joined a black ops team. I was very, very good at what I did. My parents were both gone by that time. Family was never much of a thing for us. Relationships were off the table. Until I was at a bar one night and met Lila. She was...she looks like some delicate flower but she’ll kick your ass without a bat of her eye. You remind me of her,” said Hawkins, glancing down at his lap.

“So you met a girl and fell in love?” asked Dean.

“Yes. I never told her details of things of I’ve done, not in the beginning. But I broke down one night, told her my dirty secrets, people I’d killed. Strangely, she just smiled and said it was okay. I wasn’t the monster I thought I’d turned into. She saved me. She taught me how to be my own person again. I left the military, took up a job doing house renos, became a general contractor and we got married. We decided to have a baby. We were happy. It went smooth, the little girl popped out like that. Lila was fine and you were fine. I love your mother but I knew I could never love her as much as I loved you. So we had you about a day and then, you went to the nursery and you never came back.

“I’ve seen some horrible things but that takes the cake. You just feel so helpless. The police assured us they’d find you, find who took you. We went home without you and a day went by, another day, a week. We had one picture of you. This was before phones were everywhere. We just had the one. We put up signs and it was on the news and we got our friends to help. I even got my old military friends to help hunt you down. We never found you. Eventually we were told that we should be happy because a newborn meant they might not kill you, might not do horrible things to you as you grew up. We should think on the positive side that maybe we’d get lucky and you’d have a normal life with whoever took you. We tried to get through it. Lila and I started to fight, a lot though. We took a break away from each other for a few months. I spent years searching for you, driving around this whole damn country. Sometimes I stayed away just so I wouldn’t have to see her. We lasted about four years until we thought about divorce. We were miserable.

“But we had a long night of talking and decided our daughter would probably be pretty ashamed of us if she saw how we were. So we started to go on dates again, fall back in love. You weren’t the subject of every conversation. We still looked but we started to stop drowning in it so much. We tried for a family again. You have younger brothers even. One’s 22, in his senior year at Ole Miss. Your other little brother is 19. He’s at Notre Dame. We never stopped looking sweetheart, not once. I promise. But we had to try and live again before it was too late. We spent 26 years looking for you and then you walked straight into my lap,” he said.

“Why were you at a bar on a Monday night?” you asked, Hawkins wearing a half-smile.

“Lila does a spin class girls night thing with her friends on Monday nights. Both your brothers are away at school right now...I’m not perfect, Y/N. Sometimes when I’m on my own, I just want to forget for a little while,” he said. “Lawrence isn’t that far a drive from Kansas City. It’s easier to get shitfaced out where no one knows you.”

“How’d you find out about Jim Jones?” asked Dean.

“Maybe about six months after Y/N was taken. The cops started looking at me as a suspect. There were police reports of me allegedly doing stuff to kids up in the Dakotas. I’ve never even been there. But the stuff looked real and the cops turned on me, on us. It took some digging and a few favors from some of those old friends but I found out about Jim Jones. I didn’t understand at first, never understood really, not until I saw you Monday night. It all started to click, who this father you were complaining about was. He took you. That was it, that had to have been why. But I did some digging and he never had a child, not until some six year old popped up in his life. Well, I did some more digging earlier this week and found a six year old had gone missing a few months prior in Lawrence. I found out who the mother was, found out she was dead, got the story, started putting it together. She was Jones’ old girl. Only she couldn’t have a kid so he’d ditched her. I figure she went nuts and stole one so she could win him back. Years go by and he finally responds to her again, he comes down, spews her some bullshit story about needing to take you away and lying about it, promises in a few months time she’ll come up with him and the kid. But he only wanted the kid so he gets rid of the woman and raises Y/N as his own.”

“If he wanted a kid so bad, why not just freaking adopt one?” you asked. “Or hook up with some chick?”

“He can’t have kids, can he,” said Dean with a smile.

“Nope,” said Hawkins as he returned it. “Figure out the rest of it?”

“There’s something in his past that would prevent him from adopting a child, isn’t there,” said Dean.

“It’s sealed under a juvie record but yeah. He practically killed a kid he bullied when he was a teenager. He’s kind of a psychopath. It’s how he’s so successful actually. But if someone were to do a background check, they’d see it and he’d be declined,” said Hawkins.

“Why didn’t we see it then?” said Dean.

“You didn’t search the juvenile database and sealed records I bet. You wouldn’t have a reason to,” said Hawkins. “But I hate the guy’s guts so I went all out. My working theory is he wanted a kid, probably wasn’t ever going to do anything about it, but this chick that was infatuated with him stole Y/N for him. Jimbo saw it as the kid he wanted and then cleaned up the mess.”

“Why would he want a kid though? As far as I remember, he never hurt me,” you said. “Up until sometime Monday night at least.”

“Kids are nice, they make you happier. If he’s as fucked up as I think he is, he probably wanted a child to help keep him relatively normal. You probably did do that for him...up until the part where you started to figure out he was being shady,” he said.

“What are you thinking, Y/N? We’ve heard a lot of stories the past two days,” said Dean.

“Let me see your wallet,” you said. Hawkins reached into his back pocket and set it on the table. You flipped it open, his license saying he lived in Kansas City and he was an organ donor. You skimmed through the cards, finding two pictures tucked into a pocket. One was recent, four people standing in it, Hawkins, an older woman who had the same hair color as you, and two young men. The other picture was worn away at the edges and was creased all over the place, a baby in a pink hat staring back.

“We’re your parents. We’re supposed to protect you and we let you down. I understand if you want nothing to do with us when this is all over. We’re strangers to you. But let us find a safe place for you until Jim is caught or dead. I prefer dead but I’ll take what I can,” he said.

“Dean says we can’t kill him,” you said.

“I said you can’t kill him, Y/N,” said Dean. “Last time we talked about this, we were talking about killing John here.”

“Well I guess what happens next is which father you believe,” said Hawkins.

“I know which father I believe,” you said, handing him back his wallet. “Dean.”

You both stood up, Hawkins staying seated as you went over to the side of the cabin.

“It’s another story,” said Dean. “It makes sense and I didn’t hear him slip up on any facts. But still, he could just be a good liar too.”

“If you had to pick,” you said, Dean looking over at Hawkins.

“I know who I pick,” he said. You nodded and went over to the table, Hawkins turning in his chair. 

“If I asked you not to kill Jim, what would you say?” you asked.

“I’d say you’re a better person than I am,” he said. “Most people are better than I am, Y/N.”

“I think you and Dean will get along quite a bit once this all settles down,” you said, giving him a smile.

“How’d you wind up with a Lawrence cop for a boyfriend anyways?” he asked.

“It was a quick relationship,” you said.

“Yesterday we weren’t even dating,” said Dean with a chuckle.

“I will try not to kill Jim but I will if I have to,” said Hawkins. “If the cop is okay with that.”

“I don’t condone murder,” said Dean, lifting his chin.

“You’ve killed someone before,” said Hawkins, looking him up and down, Dean swallowing. “Trust me. You sleep easier when the person’s gone.”

“I don’t think I ever said I don’t want him to not die. He did try to kill me after all,” you said.

“Well that settles that then. We kill him if we have to,” said Hawkins. He stared at you for a moment, looking you up and down.

“What?” you asked.

“You’re very beautiful,” he said, a sad smile on his face. “So aside from the cop boyfriend and the tendency to be kidnapped, do you...do you remember much else about yourself you’re willing to share?”

“I’m an architect apparently,” you said, Hawkins breaking out into a laugh.

“No shit! That’s what Kyle’s going to school for. He’s the youngest,” said Hawkins, chuckling and you saw how much gentler he looked with a smile on his face. “Your brothers are going to be so excited to meet you.”

“Let’s save the family reunion for when it’s over. We don’t need more liabilities,” said Dean. “Speaking of which, after what is probably going to be one of the worst dinners of all of our lives, we need to get somewhere with cell service. I need to catch up with Sam and hopefully that kid is smart enough to have already sent some protection down for your sons or he’s bringing them up to our station.”

“We’re on the same side?” asked Hawkins as he stood.

“We always were,” said Dean with a nod. “We got a long drive ahead of us and Jim will probably be in Lawrence waiting for us by the time we get there. You have to let us call some of the shots though, agreed?”

“Alright,” said Hawkins, going to the stove and turning it off. He grabbed the pot and opened the back door, tossing it outside before he returned. “We’ll run through a drive thru. We need to get her home.”

“Let’s get going then.”

_____

A/N: Read the Final Part here!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #236

“so i asked you once, and i ask you again: where do your roots start, and where do your roots end?”

Do you wear a ring on your finger? Yeah, a Supernatural reference best friend one. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? I mean, it depends on the kind of advice and the seriousness of the issue. I'd say in most cases, yes. What’re you listening to right now? "Angel Eyes" by New Years Day ft. Chris Motionless. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It has been, twice. I don't think I'll do it again because my glasses are just in the way and they come out and get lost too easily. Is your last ex still someone you care about and do you still have romantic feelings for your ex? Yes to both. My feelings towards her haven't changed at all, we just made a heavily-discussed, hard, but wise decision for the time being. Are you someone’s best friend? Sara. What’s the biggest annoyance in your life right now? Annoyance, ummm... oh, easy. Being poor as dirt. That's only slightly under my skin, y'know? Have you spoken to your mother today? Yeah, I live with her. When was the last time you cried and why? PTSD. It's started to become relevant again, jOY to THe WOrlD!!!!!1!!!1!!!!! Is there someone who makes you instantly smile when you receive a message from them? I mean I don't always smile, but I consistently do get excited. If someone loved you right now, would you want them to tell you? *confused screaming* Do you like to cuddle? If I'm seriously romantically into you, yes. Is any part of you sad at all? I think that's always going to be a thing for me, somewhere down in there. Do you like seafood? Only shrimp, and even that I don't like in some forms. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Yeah. Does more than one person like you? Idk. Do you ever worry that people might be talking about you behind your back? Always. Fuck, I think Sara's the only person I can count on to never. Do you call your partner ‘baby’? I hated it and never used it 'til Sara. I eventually did, and somehow, it felt okay and not disrespectful??? Idk if I'll use it again. What's the most boring guy’s name out there? Like, "Bob" or something. Do you know how to play Mahjong? Nope. Ever had a promise ring? No. What’s the biggest turn off in the opposite sex? Send me a dick pic and I will actually KICK you in the dick. Fun fact, even though I'm still bi, visually, penises gross me the fuck out and so I'd rather see someone's as little as possible, m'kay? Doing that is like a surefire way for me to decide "oh no bye boy." How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? A whole lot. This time last year, were you single? No. Who is someone you’ll always hate? The doctor that put me on a medication that put around 100 pounds on me and blamed it aaaaaall on me. :^) Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Yeah, just spelled differently. Who knows your biggest secret(s)? Sara. Do you ever read the threads on r/AskReddit? No. Are you currently stressed out about anything? You have no fucking idea. What’s your Instagram @? brittanymphotography or eldritch_obscura, depending on what kind of photography you're into. Don't have a personal one. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Are you in love with anyone at the moment? It's so complicated. I think, but I also question the "in" love part. That and just "loving" are different to me. I want her, I want Jason, and here I am strictly monogamous. I barely understand what I feel romantically rn. If a friend called you to help hide a body, would you help or turn them in? UM fuck that I'm calling the cops. Have you ever had a crush on someone that, now as you look back, is completely embarrassing? Not really. How would you react if a friend started dating your ex? When "ex" is used singularly, I always assume you want The Ex. So, regardless of friend, that'd feel weird, but with certain people/levels of friendship, less so than others. If you were in an emergency, which friend would you call first? So not family? Uhhh, I don't know. It depends on the kind of emergency. Ever kissed someone who wasn’t single? No. Other than that "someone who wasn't single" being my partner. Are you single? if no who are you dating and for how long? Not right now, no. What kind of music do you listen to? Tons of different forms of metal, rock, indie, and I'm even into some electro stuff now. Do you have any YouTube videos of yourself? Thank the merciful lord, not anymore. What’s your fave YouTube video? BIIIIIIIIIHHHHHHHHHH the one featuring Dark in A Heist With Markiplier. I am not exaggerating my love of White Suit Dark. Use three words that best describe your best friend: Passionate, loyal, and resilient as a motherfucker. Now use three that best describe you: Also passionate, empathetic, and caring. List three things that describe your crush/love: Look I love someone but am also preoccupied with the idea of Jason coming back to me. It's not a "crush," it's being in love with a memory. I don't have a clue how to answer this rn. Is there someone in the family that no one really talks to? As far as extended family goes, yeah. Have you ever been romantically interested in a coworker? N/A What is the game you’re currently playing most often on your phone? None; I have no games on it because my phone has incredibly small memory. Same. Are you close to someone who is mentally unwell? Well, define "unwell." I have a load of friends and family with mental disorders, but calling them "mentally unwell" seems too severe. Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? Adopt, dude. There are so, SO many cats and dogs and I'm sure more that need a home, but you'd rather pay hundreds for a dog with likely some sort of health problem from extreme breeding than adopt an animal for a far cheaper price that ALREADY needs a family? Come on, now. Have you ever read any of your idols’ books/autobiographies? I read Ozzy's autobiography. Do you know anyone who is freaked out by cats? ???????????? no????????????? What name would you pick for yourself? Probably "Zoey." Do you enjoy going to live shows? Do concerts count? 'Cuz yeah. Who do you spend the most time with? My mom, I guess? She's the only one I live with, but she's like, never home because she works more than she breathes. What color do you wish your hair was? Natural hair, blonde. So much easier to dye, jc. Does any of the jewelry you wear have sentimental significance? The ring mentioned earlier, as well as the bracelet Sara also gave me. Who is your favorite drummer? Eh, no op Do you find musicians attractive? This is a dumb question... It depends on the musician??? If you could get any piercing, what would it be? I want a microdermal below/near the outer corner of my eye NOW. But I have glasses so it would totally ruin the purpose, ugh. Do you scream, yell, jump around and dance at shows or do you stand still? Just cheer, really. I wouldn't call it "screaming." I guess I can yell, too? Have you ever lost your voice from screaming so much? "No. I’ve had a sore throat." <<<< This. What’s your favorite color on the person you have feelings for? Both Sara and Jason, as well as like anyone, I love wearing black. Actually, Sara is super cute in light colors, like baby pink. Ugh talking about them at the same time feels fuckin weird. Who’s your favorite horror monster/killer? Alright, let's just say like, the "traditional" guys. I suppose Jason? His silence, totally casual pursuit, and mask creep me out, man. What kind of music do you prefer to listen to when driving? When I myself am driving, I don't want music on. I can't concentrate. Are you willing to board airplanes? I've gone up to see Sara like... three times within two years, I think? They don't scare me too much. I don't like takeoff, though. Too rocky and dizzying. Do looks really matter to you when it comes to friendship? ??????????? what?????????? the fuck??????????????? Do you accept friend requests from people you don’t know? Nope. I have to not only know you, but care more about you than like the average acquaintance of whatever. What is one of your best talents? Writing, I guess? Are/were you a rebellious youth or angsty teen? ha ha oh BOY Do you put your change in a jar for savings? No. How do you feel about transvestites? BITCH y'all great. I love you. Fuckin ROCK YA SHIT. Do you know anyone with a land line at their house? Yes, actually. Do you have any guilty pleasures? Certain kinds of daydreams. Have you been in a fist fight with someone you didn’t want to fight? I've never had a physical fight. Has anyone ever convinced you to do something you didn’t want to? Sure. Usually for my own benefit/growth, though. Are you a sensitive person? Yeah, quite a bit. Do you enjoy writing? Yep. Are you a germ-o-phobe? YEAH. Would you ever own a hairless rat, cat or dog? I would TOTALLY have a sphynx. There's this one breed of dog too and is furless on most places but does have some furry areas and are so ugly they're cute, and I once almost did adopt a hairless rat. So there's your answer. Do you prefer big, fluffy towels or normal sized/smaller towels? BIG FLUFF What is the image on your beach towel? Don't have one of those. Are you good with making eye contact? NO. I never know how long to maintain it and overthink it HEAVILY. I avoid it most of the time. What is your favorite book that was turned into a movie? Probably The Outsiders. I thought it did the book great justice. Do you like the movie or the book better? I don't remember either well enough. Do you watch porn? No. I don't want to watch some strangers bang each other. It's in no way arousing to me. What’s your favorite flavor of applesauce, if any? I guess just normal? Do you go to a firework show every 4th of July? Nah. Are you diabetic? No. Are you allergic to gluten? No. I don't think I'd survive. Are you lactose intolerant? No. Do you live with your parents? Just my mom. Parents are divorced and Mom had full custody, and my two sisters are proper adults that can survive without their mommy. :^) How much experience do you have written down on your resume, approximately? NOT A LOT!!!!!!!! I only count like, one damn job that was valid/lasted a couple months, but only because I very rarely worked. I also only include my previous online college, and should I create a resume now, obviously the one I currently attend. What’s your favorite song to dance to? I do not dance, my friend. What do you think of your parents? Both of them are great. Mom is the reason I'm (in the big picture) healthy, even alive. I WOULD be dead, died a long time ago, if it was not for that woman. Saved my life again and again and again, been there for me through both the same old shit and new madness. I'mma stop here before I actually cry just thinking about how thankful I am for her. Dad, too, I love, and I aspire to be as positive as he seems nowadays. His loyalty to my sisters and me, especially after the shit I've said, is incredible. He doesn't take a lot too seriously, and that's nice, especially when you're having a hard time. He's an optimistic guy now that always makes an effort to cheer you up. He's a total goof, too. He's just fun to be around. What do you think makes you attractive to other people? HA, fuck if I know. I guess my vertical lip labret stands out? Everyone I've dated since having it has at some point pointed out that that's like, my trademark that makes me recognizable right off the bat and that it looks good on me. One of the few things I even like on myself. Would more money make you happier? Look me right in the fucking eye and answer "no" to this. What is one of your favorite memories as a child? Watching my older sister play demo discs' video games after waking up. It's something so simple, but idk, I love remembering that. What’s your favorite kind of cake? Probably red velvet, like gd that shit good. Who is your favorite sports team? Idc. Like I have a natural fondness towards the Carolina Hurricanes 'cuz they're Dad's favorite and we've gone to some games together, but I really don't care. Who would you like to get to know better? I have this high school acquaintance named Courtlynn on my Facebook that seems so cool and relatable. She seems to like me too (not romantically, but she's really supportive, hearts like everything, comments the sweetest stuff sometimes, all that), I just think both of us are shy to reach out. What is the strangest food you ever ate? "I don’t eat anything I consider strange. I’m so picky and basic." <<<< Big 'ole fat same. What’s your favorite thing to order at a Chinese food restaurant? I exclusively only eat pork fried rice and/or egg rolls. Are you an organ donor? YES!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE BE ONE!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T NEED THEM ONCE UR DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LIVING DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE SOME LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What’s your favorite candle scent? FRESH BAKED BREAD MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM What would you do if you found an abandoned animal? Check for identification and call if a number is given, offer it food and water, put a notification up on Facebook about a lost pet... all that stuff. We'd try to avoid a shelter, probably, because yeah. Euthanization is a thing. Have you ever kissed someone who had a tongue piercing? I am the one with the tongue piercing lmao. No. Is it easy for someone to make you cry? OH YES, QUITE. How many children can you see yourself having? IF I had kids, IF, I could not possibly imagine myself with more than two. What is your favorite PlayStation 1 game? SILENT HILL FUCK MAN I LOVE THAT SHIT. Are you competitive? Not really. Depends. Black and white or colored photos? It very much depends. Composition, lighting, content, all that contributes to what I find more aesthetically pleasing. Do you prefer to date younger, older, or the same age as you? Preferably around my age. What’s something from the past that you don’t miss at all? Being a depressed mess every waking moment of my life. Do you like ice cream cake? Not really. Do you wash your hair every day? No, every day is bad for your hair. Do you have trouble sticking to promises? Definitely not. I'm good at that. Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Very briefly. She thought she was ready, but not quite. What kind of headphones do you have? Right now they're literally just flimsy hot pink earplugs from a dollar store lmao. How often do you go to parties? Never. Do you sleep in awkward positions? I don't think so. Do you experiment a lot with new looks on yourself? Not really. Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Don't touch my tits with, like, anything. Do you ever quote your favorite movie in normal conversations? No? Do people ever tell you that you look stoned when you’re not? No. Do you suffer from anxiety or depression? *shrugs* why not both? Do hospitals freak you out? To a degree. Been there enough times to both get semi-used to it, but it also agitates old wounds and makes me antsy to get out. What about cemeteries at night? I've never experienced this, so I can't say. But the idea doesn't really creep me out, no. What is your favorite Nintendo 64 game? I never had one. Were you mean as a little kid? Nah, I was a good kid actually.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Stars Align 5 - 8 | Dr Stone 19 - 21 | Shinchou Yuusha 6 - 8 | No Guns Life 6 - 7 | BnHA 67 | Iruma-kun 7

Stars Align 5

Geepers, I accidentally read some spoilers before watching this episode…so I realised that the person in te clubroom was Toma without his glasses, but it took me a bit to realise still.

“Makimaki”…cute.

Don’t give Maki’s father your name, Toma. Names are weapons for guys like him!

It’s ben a while since I’ve done this type of maths, although the answer appears to be correct.

Huh? The ED went straight to the teachers instead of going to Kinuyo/Ruriha/Kaori (whatever her name is)…

Oh! That heart gesture hints at the fact he has a sister (I’ve forgotten the guy’s name though) – he might’ve learnt some dance choreography from watching idols or magical girls with her. Update: That’s Shingo.

Dr Stone 19

Rule no. 2 of shonen – don’t underestimate the bishonen.

The guy who kinda looks like Kirishima with orange hair is definitely going to be important…(rule no. ???? of anime).

Ooh! The themes I thought would never came back…came back!

Some people do consider underpaying people a modern form of slavery, y’know.

Does Tsukasa always have to be called “the strongest primate”, though…? It’s a badass title, to be sure, but it certainly wouldn’t be said a lot in a normal conversation.

Judging by the flame (homura) she carries, I’d wager her name is Homu-oh, dangit. Her name really is Homura!

Senku teaches Fire Safety 101.

Ginro’s not holding his bokuto (wooden kendo practice sword) anymore…hmm.

I didn’t think Sulfuric Acid lady would be back…ever.

The funny thing is that Tsukasa seems to be a gender-neutral name, so telling the brawny men to “go suck on Mommy Tsukasa’s teat”…LOL.

Hyoga has that mask thing of his anyway, so he’s probably better off than, say, Homura.

Is that a Death Star??????!!!!

Kensaku means “search”.

Cell phone…you’d need extensive knowledge of electronics and/or IT and architecture (for the larger networks, or at least the towers) to get one running.

“…who’ll be our double agent?” – No duh. It’s either Gen (as suggested in the scene just before) or Taiju and/or Yuzuriha.

I never thought a smartphone would make me feel sad for what has gone before, but it just did when all these quotes from the past came through.

Okay, so one of the ingredients is steel (hagane).

I love how Gen gets the wine image. He’s a stage magician, so his fancy suit matches the image of a sommelier.

Byakuya seems to be the one represented in the battery image.

BnHA 67

Yay! Amajiki, my booooooooooy!

Shinchou Yuusha 6

I never thought I’d say this to my seasonal husbandos – I don’t even say this about zaShunina, the random yandere – but…Seiya, you a**hole!

Lemme guess…Seiya’s gonna use some speed seeds?

I read on Leviae’s status earlier that she has an immunity towards fire…*gulp*

A nurikabe is a wall youkai that blocks travel, while a hyosube lives in a river and eats rice plants.

What’s the age gap between Mash and Elulu? I know Mash is hot enough (in the manga) to be compltly within my range, so I’d say he’s about 16 at the youngest, but Elulu is, what, 12…? Update: There’s no real indication as to what the characters’ ages are, but Mash is lvl 16 and Elulu is lvl 8.

Ooh, this is new! Seiya’s thrown caution to the wind for once for the sake of Elulu!

No Guns Life 6

“Strong Smells” (on the can) – Yep, Olivier seems to be proving that name right.

Motor City…I didn’t really care for it at first, but now I’m starting to warm up to it.

Ooh, it seems the implication here is that Olivier inherited the title of EMS commander from her dad.

“…I’m gonna get shot!” - I guess when you’ve got a gun for a head, the assumption is you’re gonna get shot.

Armed Tokisada seems to be this world’s version of All Might…(but then is Juzo Deku? LOL.)

Iruma-kun 7

This OP is a lot more battle-oriented than I remember…

I want a GIF of sparkly Amelie, stat!

Iruma’s voice as Rin is too CUTE! LOL!

Kawaii Comics, LOL.

Ooh! I can recognise Opera by his nail polish now…! His nail polish appears to be purple today.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Opera express his own concern for Iruma until now. Maybe he’s like a surrogate mother to Iruma by now…?

They even have monsters to call out bell noises…LOL wut.

Hmm…I just realised Azz speaks to Iruma rather formally. Not just the –sama, but the keigo as well.

Azz is rather observant too…(Seriously, I swear he’s been teetering on the edge of being my husbando from this show, but since he’s so subservient, it’s a bit of a hard concept to grasp. Not to mention the guy is, what, 14…?)

Even the shadows of background characters are blue and pink…

The little arrow over Clara really sells the moment.

The bird is so cute~!

I only realised it this year, but boba is really in, all over the world, for young people. *stares at all the boba shops that have appeared around my area lately*

I think Ameri = watashi and Iruma = boku. It’s politeness all the way ‘round. I think Sabro might’ve used ore.

“Don’t let go. Desire is your life.” – Sarazanmai ad <- I think this quote is appropriate for this episode.

Oh! We see Kuromu the Akudol in the ED…I didn’t realise that. (<- knows about her due to spoilers)

Oh! I think next episode might be Clara’s seduction class! Ooh! Interesting…

Dr Stone 20

Come to the dark side, we have candy…amirite???

Dr Stone 21

The pun here is that tou is a way to pronounce “copper” and “steal”, so Chrome copped copper in the Eng subs.

Couldn’t Ginro just use the word “s***” instead? That would’ve made the pun a lot better, tbh.

Thy translated all the dialogue in the fake menus! Yay! (<- translator’s brain showing up) For instance, Senku’s attack is listed as 1 while Suika’s is 3 and Gen’s is 5…LOL. The one that really made me laugh was “Runs away the second he knows he’s at a disadvantage. You’re scum, Ginro!”

Magma wasn’t in the fake game menu…!!! (I like how Magma questioned how Senku suddenly started calling him a “friend”.)

No Guns Life 7

I feel like the length of time between distracting the guard and Tetsuro conveying his plan was a bit much, but…okay.

Shinchou Yuusha 7

LOL, Beel Bub…y’know, Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies.

If Seiya were watching No Guns Life, he’d freak out…

Is that Cerceus in the back-yep, thought so!

Shinchou Yuusha 8

I almost expected Rosalie to woof…that’s how doglike she is!

Why do I get the feeling we’ll 1) find out what the Warmaster looks like next ep and 2) find out Rosalie’s armour is actually the armour Seiya’s meant to look for…? I could be wrong, but my intuition has some chance of being correct, even if I think up stuff that’s pure speculation…

Stars Align 6

Does Yonex sponsor this show, like Mikasa for Harukana Receive…?

LOL, Mitsue’s reaction.

If this were the Amazing Race, the hometown advantage would suck…but this is Hoshiai no Sora, so this could go either way.

“How to Soft Tennis” indeed…sic.

Wait, who’s Takada…? Update: She’s on the girls’ team, IIRC.

The Takenouchi/Souga pair is a bunch of trolls…LOL.

Oji seems to be the leader, full stop. Same way Katsuragi has been running things.

It’s been a few weeks since I last watched this show, but…is Oji the guy who threatened to punch them all…? He is, isn’t he…?

Stars Align 7

I feel like Mitsue’s bitterness is fuelled by personal experience in the manga field…

Well, the guy’s name isn’t Arashi (storm) for nothing! Update: The guy’s name is in katakana, which may or may not prove my point…

Arashi’s surname sounds like the Japanese word for “prince”, if you’re wondering.

I LOLled so hard at the line “Versus Arashi?” Y’see, there’s this game show with a group called Arashi. Therefore, its name is “Versus Arashi”.

I learnt most of what I know about tennis from Wii Sports, LOL.

I mentally cringed when I saw Itsuki’s burns again…

“…years and experience.” – That’s two things, Tacky!

Souya from Planet With would be in heaven here…what with all this meat.

Doesn’t “Kamuy” mean “god” in Ainu…? That Ouji, so conceited! *huffs at how arrogant the boy is*

Girls do eat like fiends…LOL.

I can’t believe 7 episodes in real life time was only a month in Stars Align time…

Yuta’s really sensitive to Toma’s mood…probably because the former likes the latter. (Yeah, I’m a derp for saying what we already know.)

Stars Align 8

I-I wanna cry…you do realise I gave up piano halfway through high school, only to become an absolute bum when I got into higher levels because I can’t use my piano lessons to demonstrate I can manage my time responsibly anymore???? I quit Chinese the same year and now it’s the one thing that’s preventing me from getting a bunch of beneficial opportunities because now there are so many Chinese people in my region! Studies are not your life! (distant crying can be heard in the background)

I kinda get where the mother’s going with this, but knowing what I know…please compromise, you two.

“The handsome half” – I wasn’t sure what that meant until I saw the image…”half” meaning ha-fu, or a person who’s half Japanese half something else. It’s like calling someone gweilow in Cantonese –it’s vaguely derogatory at the very minimum.

*Yuta’s sisters suggest clothes for him to wear* “Don’t tell mom about this.” – Oh, I have a bad feeling about this…(Then again, I got vaguely spoiled for this point by the This Week in Anime segment…that’s why I decided to watch 3 episodes in one shot.)

Maki’s shirt says “to continue”, as if it’s echoing his nonchalance. Like, “Yuta, please continue” or something like that.

To be real with you, the first resource I consulted to start thinking about the LGBTIQ+ spectrum (outside gender-bending fiction) was a book about an FtM person, so I guess I’m the most used to that sort of thing.

This is why empathy is so good, Maki.

Go, Mitsue! Be the diversion!

Who’s “Kanacat”? Kanako?...Oh, it’s Mitsue. Rigggggggggght.*facepalm*

Why do I get the feeling Mitsue wants to join the soft tennis club…?

Sakurai-sensei’s glasses are all fogged up, LOL.

Ohh (sounds down). These kiddos are soccer nuts.*grumbles about soccer nuts*

Update: To be honest with you, I’m fine with not making hard gender decisions too…Just so you know.

[peaches-of-1]

Demon AU: 666 So Fresh- Chapter 10

Some notes before you dive in, dear reader. If some things don’t make sense when it comes to Taehyung’s thoughts, that’s the point. It’s supposed to be messy and choppy and illogical.

Chapter warnings: Suicide attempt by a member (by drowning), panic scenario, so much fucking angst ok let me know if there are others you’d like me to add

< Previous | Next >

All three products of Hell’s splendor had just opened the door to their front door. It would be the last time they’d see it before tonight since they’d be spending the night in a hotel. Taehyung was looking at photos he’d taken of them in the hot air balloon ride, deciding which ones he was going to print out.

Yoongi lifted Zula up so that she could check another thing off of their list.

“I’m gonna get the portal started.” He kissed her lips.

That’s how they got to and from many places that weren’t exactly physical, portals. Only Yoongi could make them since he was the only one with full demon blood. Zula and Taehyung would have to learn them the human way, blood sacrifices and all that jazz. Ain’t nobody got time for that, so they just let Yoongi deal with it.

“Alrighty, I’ll go hang with Tae before changing.”

Zula made her way through the maze-like house to her boyfriend’s dark room. She knocked and he let her in. She was always surprised by the amount of photos he was treating. There were some from their earlier escapades as well. He hugged her around the waist as she looked at the ones of her watching the club portal open for the first time. The orange light reflecting off of her skin and her awestruck face was a photo op Taehyung couldn’t miss.

Not all of his photos needed to be treated inside of this room, only the ones used on the older cameras. He had three of them that he used regularly: The old Polaroid, the DSLR, and the his phone. Today, he decided to bring along the film one and was dealing with that one now.

“You’re really talented. I’m proud of you, Tae.”

“Thank you~” He crooned and hugged her closer. “Um...”

Zula looked at him, “Yea?”

He moved from her waist and grabbed her hand, “I want to show you something.”

“Ok.” She said, amused and curious as to why he was being so gentle with her instead of his overly excited and puppy dog self.

Taehyung carefully got the two of them out of the room and then opened the door to his mother’s room. Zula decided not to comment on how she thought the room was supposed to stay locked as he had warned them on their first day here. When the doors swung open, she audibly gasped. Tae led her by the hand with a smile. Each wall was covered in different photos of her. There was even a wall lined with pictures of Zula sleeping.

“I’ve taken a picture of you every morning since we’ve been together. If you think it’s creepy or weird, I’ll stop. I just...feel like I have to make sure you’re real.”

Zula squeezed his hand, “You can keep going. I love candids.” She gave him a genuine smile and waited for him to return it.

Taehyung did return the smile, box and all, “Well, take a look around and tell me which ones are your favorite.”

Their hands parted as she walked around the room and he watched her take in all that he had done so far. Sometimes she could tell what they had done the night before depending on how much glitter was on her body or how smeared her makeup was. Other times she asked Taehyung if he knew. He did. The background was usually his bedroom or her bedroom. Other times it was a hotel they had crashed in for the night.

The most recent one had three bodies in them instead of two. The third being Yoongi. Zula pointed at yesterday’s photo of herself. Her hair was all over the pillow, and a gloved hand was on her chest. Taehyung was taking a selfie wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt.

“This one is my favorite. It’s our first night as an official 3, huh?”

Taehyung nodded, “Yep.”

Zula snuggled against Tae, putting one hand on his chest and the other around his waist. “I wanna get to know you better.”

So the two did a back and forth with questions and walked to where Yoongi was. He asked them questions too, mostly what hobbies that had. Parent situation. Tae didn’t say much. The bright haired blonde decided not to press on, but Zula was curious.

“How come your mom’s room was locked in the first place? I know she’s...gone, but still. Why open it up now?”

Taehyung stayed quiet.

“Come on, Tae.” She said sternly. “You haven’t told us anything about your childhood other than the light stuff. I told you about my teachers and the amount of close calls. I deserve to know your deep shit too.”

Yoongi looked at him, “She’s right, y’know.”

Still no sound came from Wrath’s demi spawn. Zula decided whatever it was, then it was much worse than she thought. She got up and sighed.

“Fine. If you don’t wanna talk then you don’t have to. Just thought it might do some good to get it out in the open. Y’know, talk about it with people you trust. I’m sorry for asking.”

She touched his shoulder and was on her way to get dressed for tonight when he caught her wrist. Zula didn’t say anything, just looked at him and waited for him to say something.

Taehyung’s deep voice felt like chasm, “My mom slept in the room whenever I hurt myself as my punishment. Away from dad and I because she couldn’t bare knowing the two men she loved were monsters. Dad sometimes went out to hurt and destroy other people, to feed his demon while I tried to destroy myself.”

His grip on Zula’s wrist got tighter, “She made herself stay because she loved us but didn’t know of any way to help us. That’s why I kept it locked even after she passed...because I could pretend she was still waiting for herself to feel good enough to see us. I used to wait and try to be good, but sometimes she’d stay in there for weeks. I miss her and it’s crazy. I know.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to--”

“No, it’s fine. I trust you guys. I love you so much. I don’t want to hide anything from you especially since you shared so much with me.”

Yoongi spoke up, “So why open her room now?”

Tae’s eyes lit up, “I’ve got better memories to put in there now.”

He looked at his partners and smiled. Zula kissed him and went off to get ready for tonight’s party at Hoseok’s club. Yoongi answered more demon related questions for Taehyung to help him feel better and told the kid how proud he was of him.

Taehyung smoothed down his mullet as they entered the main room and dance floor. It was “Angel Night” where everyone was to be dressed in mostly white outfits. At the party, Zula waved at some dude who introduced himself as Jimin. He was walking over to the group, so Yoongi asked what Zula’s end goal with him was. She assured her boys that it was nothing serious and they’d only maybe kiss on the dance floor.

“And who are these nice men?” Jimin asked, looking at Zula’s partners.

Her eyes flashed gold, “My supervision. Let’s dance.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the center of chaos.

The two other boys decided to join some random demons for several rounds of drinks. Taehyung tried to have fun, but ever since earlier, dark thoughts started flooding back. He felt his childhood loneliness creep inside for when his mother hid and his dad set out to do what he was borne to do. Taehyung’s father went out to pick fights and cause strife, usually coming back with bloody fists. His mom used to yell at him for getting blood on the carpet, but stopped after he looked at her strangely.

During his confused adolescence that he fought through, one thought consumed Tae. He wasn’t meant to be loved. Everything was temporary. That smell. Why live when you didn’t enjoy life? It was a thought that weighed him down. He thought he’d gotten over it. Taehyung thought he had stopped following in his father’s steps. It pissed him off that he was wrong, but he kept it inside.

That smell, what was it?

It felt like he was a kid again. Scared. Teen. Worried. Empty adult. No one tried to save him. Lonely. Lonely. No one. “You’re sick!” That smell. “You’re weird. I like that.” But they didn’t know how weird until they found Tae bleeding profusely and cried until he woke up. Scared about how underwhelmed he was. His dad’s hands.

A loud voice on stage gave him distraction.

“How is everyone doin’ tonight?” The platinum blond man on stage asked. “We’re The Rose, and I’m Sammy. As you can tell, I’m a fallen angel.”

So that’s what that sweet smell was. Taehyung thought.

Sammy continued, “My vice? Envy. I wanna be remembered. Anyways, fun game time! First person to Charm me from where you’re standing during this speech that I’m doing right now gets to come up on stage and we’ll sing to them.”

He looked at the crowd and his eyes suddenly became a glowing green and he bit his lip.

A smirk formed on face, “Looks like we’ve already got a winner.”

Following his line of sight, it was Zula who was being lifted on stage to join him. It was Jimin who helped her up the stage steps and Sammy who held her hand for a short greeting to lead her to the microphone with him.

“What’s your name, beautiful?”

“Zula, Demi Spawn of Lust.”

Several demons were outraged that they had been beaten by a Demi Spawn. Others wondered how she even got in. Yoongi laughed from his spot at the bar and downed a shot. Taehyung filled his glass for him again. Zula admitted to being a fan of them, not knowing the front man was anything but human.

“Wanna sing along?” Sammy offered.

“Hell yeah!”

The band began to play and he started to sing first. Zula sang along rather quickly and basically Charmed the whole room with her voice. Taehyung smiled, but his mind returned to it’s deeply conflicted state. He wanted to protect Zula. He loved her so much, but he wasn’t meant to be loved. There was no way a girl with so much talent, a girl that could get even angels that had already fallen once to fall for her could want him.

A hand on Tae’s lap made him jump.

Yoongi peered into his face, “You good?”

“Yeah, I just...I’m not feeling it tonight. Can you send me home and apologize to Zula for me?”

Ne nodded, “No problem. Hope you feel better soon.” Yoongi placed a finger on Taehyung’s head and basically made a mental portal that sent mullet-boy home. “Bartender, another if you will!”

Zula made sure Jimin knew that she didn’t want to be anything more than club friends with him, and he said that was fine. He only liked playing with her as a fellow demi, anyways. She asked him about the last time they met, how he tried to Charm her. It wasn’t something she knew how to do. Jimin assured Zula that it was in her demon blood, all she had to do was find a target she wanted and get them.

“You’re a Lustie, after all.”

She gasped and turned around in shock as she heard Sammy speak, “I know him!” left her mouth as a surprised whisper.

The blonde rocker mentioned Charming him for a prize.

Jimin moved his lips to her ear, “Do it. Charm him right now.”

“But I--”

“You want to get closer to him, right? Then do it. All you gotta do is want his attention.”

Zula took a deep breath and silently willed Sammy to look over at her. She felt a dull electrical spark behind her eyes accompanied by a calm breeze when they finally made eye contact. The introvert inside her threatened to break it, but another soft whisper came from Jimin’s lips.

“You’ve almost got him, Zula. You are more than worth his time.”

She felt herself penetrating his brain and making him want her. Yeah, Zula was the one who wanted him to notice her, but she was going to force him into craving her attention  and her presence more. The green twinkle of his eyes got more intense.

“Looks like we’ve got a winner.” Sammy spoke.

Jimin grinned and cooed, “Good girl, now let’s get you up there.”

Zula sang her heart out using her air power to expand her diaphragm. Everyone clapped and Sammy put his arm around her waist.

“Is this ok?” He asked.

She smiled and nodded, “I stopped charming you a while ago, though.”

“I know.” Sammy winked at her.

Before the crowd could completely die down, he thanked her for Charming him and then said her name once more as she left the stage to go find her boys. She quickly kissed Jimin on the cheek and told him “thank you” before her search. Yoongi was chatting with and old demon buddy. He pulled his girlfriend closer and kissed her.

“You were great up there! I didn’t even know you were practicing your Charm.”

She smiled, “Only took two lessons with Jimin. Where’s our other boyfriend?”

“Went home, said he wasn’t feeling it.”

Zula nodded, “I wanna check on him. Send me home for a bit?”

Yoongi drew a pentagram on her palm and then something else, “You’ve got 10 minutes to come back or you gotta find another way to return.”

“‘Kay!”

And she found herself with feet on a shiny wooden floor and silence instead of the busy and loud club.

Taehyung now new why his dad left the house when he was itching for blood. He didn’t want mom to see his anger. Tae was mad for no reason, and it was all spilling out. He didn’t want to be like his dad. He was mad at himself for making Zula and Yoongi have to pretend to care about him. He didn’t want to hurt them or make them lock themselves away.

A small voice told him to calm down and be reasonable, but his demon side fanned angry flames that made him want to hurt somebody. He chose is usual target of himself. He filled the bathtub with cold water, hoping it would clear his head and douse his flame. The sink was too small.

He was on fire. His whole body burned and he couldn’t control it. I twas devouring him. Taehyung had to stop the flames from eating himself whole. He sat on the edge of the tub and leaned back like the times before when he had bound his arms and legs.

This time he was free to move, but he didn’t since he was scared. There was peace here. So what if he froze to death? No one would miss him. Drowning or suffocation in the water would be easy clean up. He wanted to laugh at these thought that had come a million times before, but bile rose in his throat instead. Instinct told him to keep his mouth closed.

He felt himself going towards the white corridor. Taehyung might see that demon from his childhood again when he was so lost.

Air rushed into his lungs as his body collided with the treated wood floor. He saw green. Not white, and it was soft. The warmth over him came with yelling and rocking. His world was shaken. Light appeared again and his brown eyes saw hazel.

“Zula?”

“Did you really come back home to do another attempt? I thought you were going to try and live!” She had tears in her eyes.

No one had cried for him in a long time. There was a green towel around his shoulders. He looked at her, making sure of her tears. Zula sobbed as she continued to dry him off. Tae said two words he meant for the first time in forever.

“I’m sorry.” They tasted strange. “I’m sorry, Zula. I didn’t mean to. My brain was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do. I went backwards in a really bad way. I’m sorry.”

A fire was still lit inside of him, but it wasn’t raging like it was before, trying to claim him and make him into a beast. This flame was cool and consistent. She was angry at him, but Taehyung was glad that she was. No one in years had seen his destruction and worked to help him through the aftermath or tried to save him.

His mom ignored him. His dad told him to embrace it without telling him how to. Friends stopped being friends after they found out. They ran away.

“How do you define love?”

Confused, Zula looked up at him and place his hand in hers, “Why are you asking me this?”

“I don’t know what love is, but I just want you to be happy no matter the cost. I don’t want you to lock yourself away because of what I do. I love you, Zula. I really really love you.”

Zula grabbed Tae’s face and made him look at her, “Then live. I love you too, and I’ll be happier with you alive and taking pictures of us. Our adventures. Our love. Ok, Taehyung? Don’t do that again and live.”

He nodded, “ I want to live. I want to keep seeing you. I want you happy. I’ll live.”

“Good.” She kissed him softly and helped him stand and walk on the wet floor.

Yoongi was in the living room, sitting on the couch, with tea on the coffee table, “I’m glad you made the right choice, Tae. I’ve been waiting for you to make it. Sit. Tea and blankets for you to warm yourself up.”

He nodded and sat, now in dry clothes but hair still a bit damp. The older demon wrapped him in the lime green fleece and handed him the mug.

“What do you mean you were waiting?” Zula asked, pure fury lacing her voice. “Did you know?”

Yoongi’s eyes glowed as a warning for her to calm down. She folded her arms, knowing she was still no match for someone who knew what he was since birth and had been training long before she was even thought about being conceived.

“I knew he hadn’t fully decided whether or not this new life was for him or not. He’s been unsure about a lot of things. Mostly things pertaining you and if he was truly going to move on or not. I couldn’t make any of these decisions for him.”

“I do love you, Zula, and now I know you love me.” Taehyung spoke up, still fragile in some way, still processing everything that had happened. “Not because you saved me, but because stayed with me afterwards.”

She smiled and felt exhausted all of a sudden. A starving pain shot through her stomach as her body finally relaxed. Yoongi got her to sit down before she fainted and gave her a huge bowl of pasta.

“You’re already a good singer. You don’t need to use your powers for more air, especially when you’ve got someone or something charmed already.”

“Ok, I won’t. It was hard to focus on the singing part anyways.”

Tae asked, “What’s Jimin like?”

Zula smiled and swallowed, “Jimin’s a Pride Demi, so he’s confident but also unexpectedly shy at times. He used his Charm on me last time and helped me to learn how to use it. He also called me a Lustie...several times. Was I supposed to be offended?”

Yoongi laughed and shook his head, “That’s just a cutesy nickname for Lust demons. They call us Greeds. Then there’s Wraths, Vans or Vanities, Gluts, Envines. Just slang.”

“I wanna meet Jimin again. Seems cool.” Taehyung stuck his hand into a bag of chips that had probably been out all day.

Zula made a face that Yoongi’s eyes caught. She remembered something. He didn’t say anything about it. It would be her choice to say something or not.

She shifted in her seat, “Hey, Yoongi, um...Jimin and I were talking about my being human upbringing and I told him about my dumb baby names. And he made this comment that was like ‘Oh, you want kids?’ which...which made me wonder…”

“Yeah?”

“Can demons or demi demons have kids or are we just so biologically fucked that it’s not possible? I’m not even sure if I want kids, but I just don’t like the idea of not having that option.”

Zula was a girl, raised as a human. The pressure to have kids of her own must’ve been a constant thing in her life. Also, Zuzu was a “do anything” kind of girl. The possibility of not being able to do something...Yoongi told her the truth.

“The short answer is yes. You could have a biological kid if you wanted.”

She smiled and kissed Taehyung, leaning against him, “Whenever you feel better, I wanna practice.”

Taehyung nearly spit out his tea. He wiped his mouth with his arm, “I’d like that.”

Yoongi sat next to Zula and put his head in her lap, “I’m so lucky to have you.”

[viralmass-a-blog]

If anyone tries to look into Alex’s mind and hear his thoughts or look at his personal memories, good luck. There are over a thousand people in his head with over a thousand unique lifetimes of memories to sift through.

Although Alex can protect his mind, any sufficiently developed psychic who gets past his mental barriers will hear what he hears on a momentary basis: whispers, screams, curses and the memories of those within him. And it isn’t one at a time, either. His head’s crowded, and they’re always speaking all at once.

Below the cut lies a shortened version of what you’re likely to see. Obviously, it’s missing the visuals. So have fun with that.

“-ook at me look at me! Look at what I can do! Why aren’t you lookin-“

“-pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of Ameri-“

“-iamo andare negli Stati Uniti? Perché non possiamo rimanere in Ital-”

-keep saying that we’re going America but I don-

“-ani ga watashi no yūjin ni tsuite no?” It’s so unfair I can’t stop crying why are we go-

-at jerk took my cards! “Ms. Watson! Ms. Watso-“

-re they bloody? Did I cut mysel-

-no recess in middle school? Why? Just all classes all the time-

“¡Fuera de aquí negro pedazo de mierda!” What an asshole! Did he really just sa-

-oly shit holy shit her lips are so close to mine do I slip tongue do I just peck I don-

-likes me! He really really likes me! It was just like in the movi-

Holy hell that was rad. “I wish I could do somethin’ like that, man-“

-uck this is weird. The fuck does ‘kush’ mean anyw-

-no one likes me I could just end it right here oh my god why doesn’t he like me my mascara is rui-

“-you don’t get your grade up to at least a D, you will be held back a grade. Do you unders-“

I fucking hate algebra. Half of this crap doesn’t even make se-

-lp her with her shit and that’s how she repays me bipolar bitch-

“-ant you to be my first.” Oh fuck this is the real deal how do I start fucking wing it-!

-‘s love I can’t stop thinking about him the way he smil-

“I need some space, Bethany!” I don’t need this asshole anyway he’s a deadbeat ass my dad was ri-

-y god I’m holding my son in my arms oh my god I’m a father this is my son holy shit oh my god oh my-

“-eed to lay you off.” No no no this was the only place that would hire me fuck this recession no no n-

-rried we’re getting married! How did he pay for that airplane!? Oh my god this is the happiest day of my-

-enough income I’m going to joi-

“-e careful.” I kiss her it’s going to be the last time for a long time I’ll miss you baby-

-bout to be court marshaled but instead they sign me up for some ‘Blackwalk’ thing? Smells like bullshit to me-

“-os quieren muertos! Es América o morir! ¿Entien-“

“-isn’t some spy agency you can tell your fucking buddies about! We! Do! Not! Exist! Period! Any of you sorry little fuckwits let it d-“

-an’t believe I’m coming home. Manhattan here I come baby! Daddy’s coming ho-

“WHEN WE HUNT, WE KILL!”

“-edes llevarme a Manhattan? Mi hermano le pagará un montó-“

“NO ONE IS SAFE! NOTHING IS SACRED!”

“-‘s a transfer. Gotta go to Manhattan. Don’t worry, baby, we’ll be fi-“

“WE ARE BLACKWATCH!”

Manhattan? Seriously? The baby will probably choke on all the damn smog in that shitho-

“WE ARE THE LAST LINE OF DEFENSE!”

“-wanted to live in a big city. I don’t know, maybe I’m weird or someth-“

“WE WILL BURN OUR OWN TO HOLD THE RED LINE!”

“-amo come la mafia dannato! Mazzo di italiani a Manhattan insie-!”

“IT IS THE LAST LINE TO EVER HOLD!”

“Alex, please! You have to think about this!” “I’ve had enough ‘thinking about it’, Karen. Goodbye.”

-people are flipping out about the news. What the hell happened that’s so damn important?

Oh my god what the fuck happened at the station?

“-estimated thousands dead in a devastating biological attack on Penn Station. The bodies have yet to be identified due to quarantine-“

“-ime suspect is Alexander James Mercer-“

“We seeing action?” “Fuck yeah man, red line’s been drawn.”

“-clothes were attached to the corpse and could not be removed by conventional means. We’ve already scheduled an autopsy to find out wh-“

“’Woke up?’ What the fuck do you mean ‘woke up’? Ah, shit, get Cross on the li-“

“Mercer, Dana A. Target is in Manhattan. I want her alive-“

“-threw a goddamn taxi at it! What the fu-“

“-rget is not down! I repeat, target is not down!”

“-no body, just a bloodstain. No calls, no sign of struggle, and no sign of our resident superma-“

How the fuck did she disappear with a dead operative in her wake? There’s going to be hell to pay for th-

“-ible runner?” “Not likely. Runners can do some crazy shit but they can’t come back from the dead.”

-oly shit that guy is running up the side of the building!

“-ny sign of the perp, and you call in military backup. Do not, I repeat, do not, engage!” “Why? It’s just one guy. Nothing the NYPD can’t handl-“

“Priority target’s designation is now ZEUS.”

The time for waiting waiting waiting is over.

“-eing chased by some kind of wild fuckin’ animals!”

“MOTHER has escaped containment!” “How the fuck did that happ-“

“-nything like Hope?” “No. No, this is going to be much worse.”

“Blackwatch can’t handle this alone. We need shock troops. Call in the marines.”

-ing back home to deploy in Manhattan? Are we going to be attacked?

-on in Manhattan? Why do we need all this fucking gear in our home-

“-fuckin towlheads I bet. I swear it’s like nine eleven two point oh, with no airplanes this time.”

-ake orders from these black op guys? Who the fuck are they? What authority do they ha-

Why is the sky red like that? What’s happening?

“-oly shit are these numbers real? This can’t be contained-“

“-ese fucking amateurs are pissing me off.” “Deal with it. They go in first to take hits, we go in after to clean up. Unless, you’d like to go first?”

“-fighting real goddamn monsters. Giant apes, fuckin giant tentacles, and a guy with giant fuckin claws. All of them can fuckin toss tanks like they’re fuckin toys. Welcome to fuckin Manhattan, asshole. Enjoy your stay. I hear the pizza’s fuckin’ great.”

“The military said we should stay insi-“ “Jesus he’s puking blood!” “Oh no, get away from hi-“

“The city’s changing. You see the sky over Harlem? It’s red. Fucking blood red. It’s the apocalypse man, I’m telling you-“

“-stopped this damn thing before. Stopped it dead.”

“Saw those gasmask assholes gun down a whole family. Crying kids, crying wife, begging husband. They just fucking gunned them down. And laughed.” “Jesus Christ, and they’re calling the shots here!?”

“Priority one target! Priority one target! I need a goddamn strike packa-“

“Fucking why won’t it die!? Jesus how the hell do we fight this fucking thing!?”

“No visible effect on target. Reengagi- mayday mayday, priority one target is on our- oh shit OH SHIT IT’S GETTING IN-”

-ucking threw a car at that helicopter what the fuck oh shit he sees me he sees me oh no no no no NO NO-

“GET HIM OFF OF ME! CUT ME FUCKIN LOO-”

- happened to the body!?

What’s going on where’s my husband why is there gunfire Jesus Jesus protect me please wash away my sins with the blood of your sacrifice who is that hooded man no no “STAY AWAY STAY AW-“

Where’s my arm where’s my arm where’s my arm where’s my arm where’s my arm where’s my ar-

“-T’S FUCKING GOT M-”

-an see my ribcage oh my god oh my god oh god I can’t scream who is that help me help me help me NO-

“Non ho fatto niente! Lascio Vi prego di essere! Non uccidermi! NON UCCIDE-!”

-m in shock I can’t hear anything why can’t I move my arms my arms aren’t there ZEUS is looking at me he’s running he’s running towards me fucking piece of shit you better come finish it you motherfuc-

“You don’t have to do this! Just let me go! Let me-”

“It fucking ate him! It fucking-“

All the bullets are doing is pissing it off! Fuck out of ammo oh shit oh fuck oh FUCK-

“It won’t go down! Need backup need back-”

-ats what is feels like to have no legs weird it’s like they’re still there I can feel them there’s the fuckin ZEUS coming at me you want me to fucking cry you piece of shit you aren’t shit fucking freak my boys will fucking end you just you fucking wai-

“El diablo! El día del juicio ya está aquí! Acepto a Jesús como MI SALVA-!”

-can see my insides... that isn’t good-

-why can’t why can’t why can’t mom I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-

“You think you can fucking scare me you piece of shi-“

“P-p-please let me go! You don’t have to do this! I-I just- I’ve got family! Please let me go, please- NOO-“

“What the fuck are we dealing with here, sir?” “Something that necessitates much larger armaments than what we have.” “If those don’t work?” “We’re fucked.”

[ecotone99]

[HM] Bluntjob, The Epic story of a Giant Joint and Blunt, faced with saving mankind from extinction!

Bluntjob

Narrated By Robot Batman

One day, 1000 years in the future, mankind was on the brink of collapse. But there were 2 guys who just didn’t give a fuck about the apocalypse, and they weren’t even guys at all. One of them, named Blunt, smoked 4000 blunts in one sitting, He was recognized by the inter dimensional entities for being a hard motherfucker, so they turned him into a human-blunt hybrid with super powers. The other one, Fatass Joint, has a tragic back story. When he was 8 years old, his mad scientist parents were entranced by their experiments. They lost sight of the little things that mattered, and only wanted results. They injected their son with refined crocodile vomit, 200 joints, and enough steroids to send you to the gulag for life. He was transformed into a fatass joint with human appendages, and he was strong as fuck. Together, Blunt and Joint will work tirelessly to save mankind from complete extinction. And soon, they would be facing their most menacing enemy yet.

Light me up, and blow me up your ass

It was a shitty day on the slowly sinking apartment complex. They were in the middle of god knows where, but it was the tallest building within 200 miles. They were with the last 50 humans on the planet. And if they didn’t get their shit together soon, there would be no one. “Hey Blunt, I just want to let you know, that if we die, and you die first, I’m definitely smoking you.” Joint joked. “Hahaha, well we both know that if we died, you’d be the first to go.” Blunt laughed and started geeking out which made Joint laugh until he threw up. The only thing he ate all day was the entire last jar of spicy pickles. 90% of the world was covered in water at this point. And not to mention the giant sea monsters that mutated from all of the pollutants that leaked into the water after everything flooded. But as fate would have it, they were close to the last 10%. The only landmass left on the planet. Perhaps something was out there rooting humanity on. Some of the humans that were left with B&J were the baddest of the bad. Many of them went through hell to get to this point. Making unfathomable sacrifices, decisions you couldn’t even comprehend, and through all of it they stood up to the universe and fought back. Many of them could be a warrior, a doctor, and engineer, all in one, whatever needed to be done, they had to be able to do it. Chuck Norris was one of the leaders of these OP Monkeys and he and a small group of survivors approached the 2 anomalies. Chuck spit on the ground to assert his dominance amongst the other monkeys, and walked towards B&J, this was serious. “You assholes have been getting high for 6 hours now! Can we for fucking 2 seconds talk about how we’re all about to die! We have less then 24 hours before this building sinks and we all become mutant fish food!” “Yoo Joint, this sounds pretty serious man. I mean we’re made out of paper and weed, you know. Ehh, I guess realistically we would be fine but these guys definitely would die.” “I think we should smoke on it.” Joint rolled another joint and lit it up. “You 2 are the fucking worst super heroes. If I had powers, we would have been off of this building and safe! We would be fucking like we were the last people on earth! Oh wait, we are!” Chuck was angry, mainly because nobody had the privacy to jerk off and it had been a few weeks. Another survivor, Karen (generally disliked, she’s anti-vax) approached the 2 heroes coughing and fell to the ground, she was blistering everywhere. Chuck took one look at her and yelled “Nooo! Damn you Karen, your anti-vax ways have killed us all!” She had contracted the horrible manmade disease, mega pig gonorrhea. It was lab formulated along with its cure after a strong government had taken over the entire world, they oppressed the people to horrible ends. Create a problem, sell the solution. If you couldn’t pay the $1000 for the cure, you were as good as dead. At the same time this was going on, a lot of secrets were being exposed within the government itself, including the secret love child of a high ranking government official, Also at the same time, a secret plan was taking place, they were freezing people to one day awaken when mankind needed them the most. Chuck Norris was included in this project. Why was Karen included in this band of survivors? She was the secret love child, frozen away never to be seen for possibly thousands of years. It was the best way to get rid of her for good, a 30 year old anti-vaxxer soccer mom fated to save humanity from extinction, all because of the corruption of one man. “Blunt, what are we going to do!? This is one of the worst diseases mankind has ever faced!” “Well Joint, im gonna have to be square with you. I kept this a secret until now, because I didn’t think we would ever need it. But my smoke can be used to heal diseases. There is only one catch, you have to blow the smoke up their ass.” Joint went pale. “Are-Are you sure that’s the only way bro?” “Yes I’m sure, I know this doesn’t sound pleasing to you, but if you think about it, I’m technically the one who has to be in their assholes, so I’m suffering just as much as you are. I wont think any less of you Joint.” Blunt threw a lighter to Joint. “This has to be done Joint, it’s the only way!” Joint lit the top of blunt and took a huge rip from his convenient smoke hole. He went to chuck, because he was closest, and blew the smoke right up his butthole. Chuck coughed a few times and stood up. Luckily he was way too fried to figure out what happened. But Blunt started hysterically laughing, chuck looked down and realized he had no pants on and got really insecure. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” He yelled for pretty much no reason. Blunt started walking around the room and people started getting up. Joint realizing he had been tricked, started gagging and coughing, toilet paper was not a commodity that they had. “Damn Joint, the apocalypse never gets old when I’m with your dumb ass!” Blunt said with tears rolling down his eyes from the hysterical laughter he couldn’t seem to stop.

Out of the Butt, Into the Fuck

After another smoke sesh, everyone got hard to work on a solution. Nobody knew exactly what to do, but they all knew that when they did know, they would be sure what to do. “I really hate to be a buzzkill Joint, but we don’t have any weed left and I’m getting tired of smoking myself. If we can find land somewhere we can grow all the weed that we want to! Think about it man, we’re sitting roaches here.” Joint took a second to think about it, and stood up with a determined look. “I know what we have to do.” On the roof of the apartment, B&J gathered everyone together, and told them the big plan. Some of them had their doubts, but if it didn’t work they would die anyways. They waited for hours, for the sun to start setting, when the sea monsters were the hungriest. The sky was a beautiful shade of purple, pink, orange, even wisps of gold. Nobody said a single word the entire time, they waited anxiously for the time to come. If they failed, so would the human race. The sun had just hit the horizon, and it was time to put the plan in to action. The survivors started a massive fire capable of burning for days. Joint took his place by the raging fire. When the time would come, he would light his tip, and jump into a sea monster blowhole. The only thing they needed was bait, but naturally Chuck Norris stepped up to the plate. They tied him up on a rope and threw him into the water. “Please keep an eye out, I don’t feel like dying to a fish.” There was nothing for him to worry about, Blunt was watching the water closely, and he has special eyes. They waited for hours, the building was probably minutes from sinking completely, and everyone for sure thought that they were fucked. But just then, Blunt saw 2 huge red eyes start to come up from the depths! “Cmon big daddy! Get ready mothafuckas here it comes!” Blunt was psyched to finally get some action! The beast was so massive that you could see it’s eyes from 200 feet deep. Within 20 seconds, the creature was all the way up to the surface! In that second, Joint lit his tip, Karen let out a mighty sneeze, chuck looked down and clenched his ass cheeks so hard that he pulled a muscle, and blunt started pulling chuck back from the beast. The giant orca whale was covered in black and white sparkling scales and each scale was the size of the apartment complex they were stuck on. The orca was a foot away from chucks body, when joint jumped straight into the whales blowhole! Joints super strength stopped the momentum of the giant whale, and even caused a giant shockwave, shaking the building! This was the first penetration moment for the whale and it was confused. It stopped attacking chuck, took a huge rip of joint and got so high that it became chill. It was instantly fried because joints body is 99.99% thc. Blunt pulled chuck up and chuck was screaming the entire time. “Stop screaming you’re fine man, hit this shit and relax.” “Fuck you Blunt I was inches away from getting eaten by a mutant demon whale!” “But you didn’t so why are you so mad? Come on man, let’s get everyone on the whale and find somewhere to live, everything’s gonna be alright.” Everyone got on top of the giant whale and even though they had no idea where to go, or what to do, they had fate on their side. The whale got caught in a big current that was taking them straight to land.

Finally, I can jerk off

At the same time that B&J and the survivors were floating towards land, something bigger was taking place. That strongest threat I mentioned, it was pure evil. And they were headed straight towards it. His name is Xan The Man. His backstory, is even sadder then joints, it’s the worst fate for a human. Loneliness. His father was a total incel twat. He only looked at women as objects for men to use, and treated Xan (once known as Greg.) and his mother like they were below human. His mother was strong though, and one day she saved up enough money to run away! She took Greg and ran away across the world. But their luck would not hold up. His mom caught Type 2 Mega Pig Gonorrhea. The 2nd version that the World Government released. She underestimated the power of the type 2, Her strength was her downfall. Greg was broken, he was alone, he had barely any money, no place to live, nothing to live for. He got a part time job and spent most of his money on food and xanax. He was only 16 but he had to grow up with nobody there for him. He finally got sick of living that way, and he chose to give it all up. He didn’t see the value in himself anymore. He forgot that he was capable of an infinite amount of things. He created a device that could refine any pill that he wanted to, and put 1000 Xanax into the machine and pressed it all into a super xanny bar. Greg gulped nervously, threw it into his mouth, and gulped it down with an entire glass of water. He died instantly. But his soul was not ready to go. An ancient demon sensed all of his evil and hatred, he possessed Greg years before he died, Greg struggled with it for his entire life. But when he died, he was not granted passage into the next. As long as the demon lived, Greg was bound to the planet as Xan the Man. The demon took the form of a Gigantic xanax bar the size of an elephant, with giant blue eyes. It’s said that the demon was affected by the drug for 3 weeks. At first, Xan was a weak entity. He was slowly waking up his power, but the apocalypse came. This gave Xan the perfect opportunity to awaken his true powers, as there were was only chaos left in the world. He became a true monster. He brainwashed many people into following him and killed them, using their souls to create powerful minions. He could only make few of these minions though, as each minion took a part of his power as well to animate. He spent all of the time that the world was collapsing, to build an evil empire. B&J were strong, but could they truly kill such a horrible beast!? If the stars aligned, maybe they could pull it off. They were powerful too, but were they lucky? As they were riding the waves, one of the survivors noticed something in the distance. “Holy fuck are those mountains!? Trees!? We can find water and food now?” Chuck started laughing. He put his hand on the guys shoulder and said “Kid, I think everything is gonna be alright.” They made landfall, It was a soft yellow sandy beach, as far as the eye could see in both directions. In front of them, it seemed like paradise, a thick jungle with beautiful giant mountains, unfortunately for them, it was getting dark and they didn’t have much time to set up a nice base. Full well knowing this, all of the guys took a step off the whale, and all went off in their own direction, thinking the exact same thing.

Mind over Matter

After all the guys were done spanking their monkeys, their other carnal desire took over. “Oy, i haven’t had anything besides maggoty bread for 3 stinkin days!” One of the survivors said. This has no relation to LOTR, it was just true. “Can’t we just eat the whale?” Tiffany said. Tiffany was known for a deep love of big throbbing meat. She once took 3 1/2 meats at once all to herself. She also really liked eating meat as well. “Looks like meat is back on the menu bitches!” They killed the whale, and although he had a significant role in this story, he won’t ever get the credit he deserves. But I know mr demon whale. Semper Fidelis. Half of the survivors butchered the whale while the others started work on a giant fire. It was literally giant like a 30 foot circle on the beach. Pretty nice job not gonna lie. They had a massive feast, and the combination of post nut clarity, full bellies, and the stars above them, made the men all fall asleep by the fire. The lazy shits. The women however, stepped up to the plate. Elizabeth and a few other women approached B&J who immediately went off on their own, down the beach. They were getting ready to plant weed before they even got off of the whale. Elizabeth was a natural born beauty, but even more importantly, she was a leader. Her best friend Daeshona was right by her side and was even more beautiful. She had supreme wisdom and a loving heart. And despite how bad everything looked for humanity, everyone was in a good mood. Grateful to still have a chance at life. “Thank you guys. I know nobody has properly said this yet, but it needs to be said. Without you, we wouldn’t be here right now. All of us owe you our lives. And I hope we can continue to count on you, humanity needs you.” Elizabeth said to B&J. They were bent over planting seeds of course, seeds they had picked straight from their own bodies. They both looked at her, and then without saying a word, went straight back to planting. Liz was pretty annoyed with this. But she knew how to stay cool, calm, and collected, without sacrificing her inner bad bitch. She bent over and whispered right into B&Js faces “I..said..thank..you.. Did you smoke so much you forgot how to speak English?” She had their attention now. Joint sighed and looked at Blunt. Blunt nodded softly and started speaking “Listen... we aren’t doing this for you, we aren’t the super hero’s you think we are. We’re only doing this because we made a promise to someone a long time ago. It’s someone, and something that you know nothing about. We will always protect humanity as long as we are here, but don’t get it wrong. We aren’t interested in being your hero, or your savior, or your leader, or anything like that.” She looked at Joint, and his previously happy demeanor had completely changed, he had a single tear rolling down his cheek. He walked into the darkness but the girls could hear him choking back his tears. Blunt, almost as if he was getting down onto his knees in utter defeat, Bent down and shook his head. “Whatever this promise was, it was something deep.” Elizabeth thought to herself. Only Liz and Daeshona had heard what Blunt had said, and seeing their saviors in such a sorry state, put a damper on the general mood. The optimism and calmness was replaced with doubt and anxiety. Daeshona noticed this and knew that they had to do something. “Ok listen up ladies! Play time is over!” She yelled, she looked to Elizabeth and nodded her head. “Daeshona is right! For gods sake ladies we just made it across the ocean on a giant demon whale, just in time to dodge the reapers cold, wet, hands. Not to mention the impossible odds we went through to even make it that far! Even through all of that, we made it here together, we’re safe here, we can start rebuilding society, start families, and we can do things right this time!” Some of the girls started cheering. “Right now, what’s important is staying positive. We have the chance to focus on living and not just surviving, but we have to stay strong to get there. Nothing is more important then that. I love you all, but to be honest, I’m scared too. We have no idea what’s out there. What obstacles will come up, what fortunes will bless us, but we have each other right now. And just like everything else, we can get through this together.” The men were woken up by the commotion and although they only heard the end where Daeshona yelled “So what do you say ladies!? Who’s ready to kick some ass!?” And all the women started chanting “kick some ass” over and over this was enough to get them hyped up over whatever was happening. The simpletons. Blunt and Joint, totally inspired by Elizabeth’s speech, walked up to her. Joint laughed half embarrassed half impressed and said “See, we really aren’t the true hero’s of this story. See how happy everyone is now. Sure, everything is stacked against us, we could totally die in like 10 seconds at any point in time, but one little spark of hope and humanity will cling to it like they are the universe and it’s the last star. To them, we will always be the ones who defended them when they needed it, the shield they keep close in a fight. But you’ll always be their last star Liz. You are the hope of humanity.” Elizabeth was surprised at this huge compliment, blushed and started tearing up. She turned to all of the survivors, now in a positive mood, planning, laughing, getting ready to face the unknown. Chuck waved to Liz, signaling her over. She grinned, got ready to say something, but when she turned around, Blunt and Joint had already gone back to planting their precious bud. She laughed to herself and ran over to the survivors, determined to lead her people to a good life. However amongst all the good that was happening, what they didn’t notice was that some of Xans minions had been attracted to the light caused by the giant fire. They started to run back to their base to alert Xan, but it would take some time to get back to their home. The survivors had time, but not much.

Pants are for the weak

After a long but well spent night of hard work, all of the people started to fall asleep, they had some shelter, some beds made of palm leaves, some spears, but not really much else. However this was enough to satisfy them for now, and sleep was the only thing they could think about anymore anyways. Blunt and Joint on the other hand, were super badasses who didn’t need no sleep. As the Sun was rising over the water, slowly illuminating the paradise they had found, B&J were sat side by side waiting to harvest the weed they had planted 8 hours prior. “These are taking a bit longer to grow then the last batch eh Joint?” “Well Blunt if you don’t remember, last time you got impatient and caught all of the plants on fire! Pretty sure you said “fuck it I can’t wait anymore man” Threw them in a fire pit and left your face over the smoke for 2 hours.” Blunt started wheezing from laughing so hard and said “Yeah just making sure you didn’t forget buddy.” His laughter caused him to knock a plant into the sand. “Ahh look what you did, that one is yours man.” Joint said, now laughing himself. And just in that moment, the buds all simultaneously bloomed on the plants, some as big as a fat baby. Excited, Joint let out a howl like a lone wolf. Blunt howled back but much louder. Joint couldn’t handle how pussy his howl was compared to Blunts, and howled again but even louder! This caused a series of back and forth howls that got so intense that it sounded like 2 werewolves trying anal for the first time. They kept going until somewhere off in the distance, something decided to howl back. Wasn’t much of a howl though, more like the lifeless screech of an ancient demon hungry for souls. Xan had heard the 2 howling, and mistook B&J for giant 2 legged alligator wolves. Something Xan was not in the mood to deal with. He let out his most terrifying yell hoping to scare the beasts away. Dumbass. The howling had woken up the survivors, and even though they all heard the evil screech, they were too out of it to really care. They just wanted some demon whale steak. Blunt and Joint however, were thoroughly shook. It sent shivers down their seams, made goosebuds all over them, and made Joint fart a lil squeaker. They quickly got Chuck and Liz, and frantic to get the people ready for whatever abomination was on its way, quickly told them “Listen, something bad is going to happen, real bad. Something is on its way here right now, and it wants to kill all of us, possibly worse. This is beyond any evil you know of. You need to get everyone ready to fight and you need to prepare to lose us today. Blunt and I must meditate and draw out the true power within us. I can sense the creature, it draws nearer every second. We have less then an hour before we must fight. Their is no more time. Please, you 2 must do this now!” Blunt smiled and put one hand on each Elizabeth and chucks shoulder. “You 2 got this. Don’t worry about us, worry about your people.” “You’re our people too, you know. And you’re the ones who don’t need to worry, me and Chuck have this handled.” Liz smiled back, and then knuckle bumped Chuck. The 2 groups turned around at the same time, the King and Queen walked to the others, and the Knights walked into the ocean. They smoked a huge amount of weed, and had the most intense meditation sesh in the history of consciousness. The things they saw, experienced, learned, could never be described by word. And when they sensed that the evil was less then 2 minutes away, they both opened their eyes, with a newfound peace of mind and confidence. They were completely focused on combat. A flock of blood red seagulls flew overhead, as if they were flying away from the intense power emanating off of Xan the Man. “Hey Blunt, you remember that promise we made to our sensei? Back when all of this started? Do you think we can keep it?” Joint said. “Quit acting like a baby Joint, if we can’t, we’ll die along with the promise anyways. The only way to keep his legacy going, is for us to survive, and to keep that promise forever. It’s time to fight, are you ready or not?” “Of course I’m ready. I’m just not sure if we can win.” “Me neither, but it doesn’t matter does it. We have to fight.” They both looked at each other and laughed. “Of course we got this, now cmon, our friends are waiting for us.” B&J joined the survivors, They were lined up, ready to fight for their lives. Some of them had managed to make themselves some makeshift armor out of twigs and whale scales, and a couple of whale scale spears. Most of them just had wooden spears and the clothes on their backs though. The armored ones were the front line, including Chuck, and Karen who was actually pretty good at kicking ass. B&J posted themselves in front of the armored people in hopes that they wouldn’t have to fight at all. Xan was so close now that they could hear the branches breaking and the trees falling in the forest. Any second now, annnnny second, just one more, andddd boom goes the dynamite. Everything suddenly went slow-motion for Blunt and Joint. This was the make or break moment for mankind, and the adrenaline spike caused their perception of time to distort momentarily. Their usually goofy demeanors were replaced by a fire that could burn down hell. Xan busted out of the forest with 2 of his minions on his back, took one look at the group in front of him, and let out a roaring and condescending laugh. “This is what you 2 fools were afraid of!? A couple of half baked pirates and some meat sacks barely hanging on? I should have you 2 sent to the doctor and checked because it appears you both LOST YOUR BALLS! Hahahaha!” Blunt took this moment to point out something important. “Hey ugly, I think you forgot your pants at home. We’re you that excited for your first day of schooling?” “Silence you nimrod, you shall address me as Xan the Man, and I’ll have you know that I am a being beyond pants. If I had to wear pants I would be no different from you sorry lot. No, I choose the pants less travelled.” “Well Xan the garbage can, pants or no pants, you underestimate us. We will defeat you, and make you put pants on. My name, is Fatass Joint, you already met my associate, Blunt. And as long as you are pantsless, you’ll be our personal punching bag!”

Zen and the art of Marijuana

Each of the minions jumped off of Xans back. According to Joint they resembled “Fat fucking cats but way bigger..” Realistically though one was half man, half tiger, and the other was man mixed with a lion. Extremely large claws, massive jaws with razor sharp teeth, and muscles that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger drool. All with the intelligence of a man. These were no ordinary opponents. “Joint, Blunt, leave these 2 house cats to me.” Chuck said courageous and confidently. Stepping in front of them, spear pointed at the beasts. “Hahaha, it’s been a while since I got to beat some pussy up!” And without another second going by, chuck leapt over 15 feet, within inches of the lion, and struck his spear straight through the lions chest. Quick to react though, the lion was able to move his body just enough to avoid a fatal blow through his heart. Chuck noticed this and used all of his force to throw the spear through the lion, sending the lion flying back into a tree. “See, one down already!” Chuck yelled. Amidst the conflict, Xan started muttering phrases of an ancient language very quietly. Not even Xans minions knew how he attacked. He attacked using his secret chants and inner power to draw energy from hell. He knew things from before even mankind existed. “Heh, not bad for a normal human. But don’t count me out yet, I’m just getting started with you. Blunt noticed a shift in the Lions energy and saw its eyes turn from brown to a bright glowing red. He knew he had to strike the lion while it was still weak. He shot a Rasta colored lazer beam from his eyeballs, obliterating the animals upper half. “Now it’s dead, try doing that with a spear.” Blunt said. Chucks jaw dropped in awe. Xan was slightly annoyed by this, but the man tiger, was furious. He rushed over to his deceased brothers body, and absorbed the rest of the lions power into his own. This caused a great shockwave, pushing back everyone, even Xan. The tiger started to transform into a new beast entirely. He no longer even slightly resembled a man. His humanity was gone, replaced with a deep blood lust and predatory instinct to kill. His body completely turned into that of a demon twisted lion with a tiger head and a tail made of the burning essence of hell, said to be hotter than the sun itself, yet concentrated and contained. “That’s one for the books eh boys!?” Blunt said turning around, he went to high five Joint but before he could the awakened demon tiger rammed his head so hard that it sent him into a temporary dream state, in which he was swimming in a pool full of weed. It also sent him flying backwards at a super high speed. He quickly reoriented himself but before he was ready the tiger was already lunging in for another attack. It’s jaws clenched around blunts neck but Joint was right behind them and was able to uppercut it, sending it flying up in the air. The tiger wasn’t going to let an opportunity go to waste though and slashed Joint with his tail. Joint instantly caught on fire and started freaking out. “Stop drop and roll Joint! Stop drop and roll!” Chuck started yelling. He frantically started rolling around in the sand, unfortunately for him, leaving him open for another attack. This time the monster rammed into Joint at Mach speed, pushing him into the dirt and leaving a massive crater. Blunt drop kicked the tiger beast away from Joint and used his weed powers to create a greatsword made out of his own body. Although this sword was made of weed, it was sharper then any manmade sword could dream of being. “You okay man!?” He said. “Yeah just give me a second, damn that really knocked the smoke out of me.” The tiger demon landed on his feet, and pounced straight at blunt, its loss of intelligence was ultimately its downfall. Fueled by blind rage, the beast dove straight into Blunts swing, cutting itself perfectly in half. Joint was in the process of standing up when this happened, but looked up just in time to see half of the animal flying towards him. He quickly moved out of the way and watched the 2 parts of the beast fly another 100 feet out into the ocean. Within a second a monkey shark grabbed the mangled mess of a creature and swam its free lunch down to the bottom of the ocean. Joint looked at Blunt, who looked at Chuck, who was collapsing to the ground in front of them. They looked around them and noticed the rest of the survivors starting to collapse too. “What the hell is happening!?” They were fine just a second ago!” Blunt yelled. “Well well well, I see you two are immune to my sleeping spell. Isn’t this a treat. It’s been over 10,000 years since I’ve been in a real fight! You may have been stronger then my minions, but don’t get too cocky. The fun hasn’t even started yet!” Xan belched deep, and like a dragon, he spewed out a thick mist of unbelievably potent xanax dust. B&J instantly moved back a few hundred feet down the beach. “How are we gonna handle this guy Blunt? He has no pants!” “Forget the pants man! They aren’t important. And forget fighting too! No amount of violence will solve this fight. No, pain is what got him to this state, marijuana is the only way to save him now. I know you aren’t going to like this Joint, but I know how to stop him.” Joint already knew exactly what Blunt was going to say, and with the look of the 2 hardest motherfuckers, they faced their enemy. It was time to either end this, or die trying. Blunt started shooting lazers at Xan the man in hopes to distract him while Joint ran to grab his torch. Xan noticed the lazers and quickly chanted something. The lazers went right through Xan, like he was a ghost. Blunt braced himself for the counter attack. But internally he was scared. Those lazers were one of his stronger attacks and they didn’t even leave a mark. Xan chanted again and sent a shower of sharp xanax crystals flying towards Blunt, each one that hit Blunt sent him flying back 10 feet and screaming in pain! Blunt, with multiple crystals now sticking out of his body, was still standing strong. He still had an ace up his sleeve, but if he used it too soon, they would fail. He just needed to hold out in time for Joint! Before he could attack back, Xan was already chanting again. This time hells essence started shooting out of the ground like geysers in a straight line towards Blunt, each one getting larger. Blunt dodged the attack and started running towards Xan at full speed. Or so Xan thought. Behind the giant explosions of fire and sand, Blunt had secretly cloned himself and hid just under the surface of the sand. Xan was unaware of this and started to attack the clone, the clone however was able to dodge Xans attacks, even though he knew he should be connecting. “What is this annoyance? Have you sent a clone after me? Don’t tell me your so scared that you would run away from a fight! How pathetic are you!?” Xan babbled. Blunt came out from under the sand, he wasn’t trying to fight, just buy time. Luckily for him, Joint was already back and ready to put their plan into full swing. Joint lit Blunt up and got ready to end the fight once and for all. “Alright you pantsless freak. We’ve had enough of your games. Either come at us like you mean it, or quit wasting our time.” Joint said, trying to provoke Xan into a close ranged fight. The bait worked, almost a little to well as within the blink of an eye Xan was over Joint and Blunts body. He slammed himself into the 2, but Joint pushed back, using all of his strength to stop Xan. The force of this caused a tidal wave so massive that it hit the opposite end of the landmass 2 weeks later. “Now Blunt! Do it now!” Blunt used his ace, he mixed the sand with hemp fibers from his body, turning it into a thick paste, which quickly hardened to be stronger than diamonds. He stuck Xan to ground but this wouldn’t last long. “Your play Joint. Hurry it up!” Joint took a huge rip from Blunts body, ran behind Xan, and blew the smoke straight up his asshole. Boofing usually isn’t this violent kids. Xan let out a horrible scream, like he had just learned how to look inward. Millions of years of 0 introspection, and evil acts were all starting to catch up with the demon. He fell down, got in the fetal position, and started mumbling to himself. “I regret my entire existence. Why couldn’t I have lived for the full experience of life itself instead of just the negativity it brings?” Xan transformed back into Greg’s human body. Although he was still dead, his body had a slight smile on its face. He could finally meet the peace he deserved. Bluddy, broken, and bruised, B&J plopped down on the ground and both let out a big sigh of relief. Each of them lit up a fat ass joint and a killer blunt. “Do you think they’ll wake up soon B?” “Man, I hope not.”

The End

And how am I here you ask? Well, unfortunately I couldn’t save the world this time. But having my consciousness downloaded into a robots body, has given me another chance to protect mankind. And I’ll continue to watch over them until the day my batteries die.

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