#oooooh i'm trans...so scary

[lgbtqtext]

Requested by boreal--forest

[calamitys-child]

WAUGH like. Okay. I need to put this on the beloved genderfreak website. I've been having a Problem lately where. I'm a guy okay. He/him dude. But people have started reading me not as A Man (neutral, what I'm typically going for) but as A Cishet Man (scary bc it implies if they figure out I'm trans or queer they'll be less tolerant of me, gross bc they keep assuming I'm good with perpetuating casual misogyny or other bigotry, and unpleasant to me specifically because Being Weird With It is one of the main pillars of my gender). And I know pronouns =/= gender but I also typically hear that in the context of "people can be women who love women and use he/him or they/them for themselves specifically" and less "if I say 'oooooh look at her, gorgeous' that can be a compliment for any non-woman" if that makes sense? Like. If pronouns =/= gender then ANY pronouns NEVER = ANY gender. She/her in the gay way is a whole different masculine gender and pronoun set. To me. I just like. Aughhhhh I love being a guy I love what T has done for me I love getting to live the way I've always wanted. But for me personally the goal has never been "pass as cishet male", the goal originated as "be a man the way David bowie ziggy stardust is". I need my queerness to be a default accepted part of my gender (not necessarily accepted like "we love queer identities" just minimum "clearly this guy is doing Some fruity shit with it"). I try to describe my personal gender as specifically trans man or butch or fag or pansy. But I also feel like somehow I'm betraying trans male identity by wanting personally to foreground it while I know so many people who would Love to be read as cishet men. It's just. How do I explain I'm a binary ftm transmasc trans man he/him transsexual who doesn't want to be a cis man. Nobody on any side of the gender multi-angled polyhedral Space reliably wants to accept and engage with that. It's Unpleasant to me. And I Don't know how to always navigate it.

[juniperkinglet]

📕Who is your all-time favorite author, and what makes their writing so special to you? 

🔖What quote from a book resonated with you deeply?

ty for asking!! (this got long oop)

Who is your all-time favorite author, and what makes their writing so special to you?

Oooooh it's hard to say... For many of my favorite books, I haven't gotten around to reading more from their authors, or those authors haven't published anything else. I do have a few current contenders though!

First is Lee Mandelo, author of Summer Sons. I entirely credit that book for getting me back into reading after many long years. I genuinely didn't know books like this could be published; books that delve into grief and depression in such a relatable way, into themes like toxic masculinity and classism from a queer & trans perspective, into protagonists who are far from heroes but are still treated as humans worthy of love and second chances. All featuring a lyrical gothic prose in line with the way I process my surroundings. Absolutely blew my mind, and made me feel like I wasn't alone during a very lonely period. And I wouldn't have heard of aftg or made this tumblr without it!

Second is horror writer Poppy Z. Brite (now Billy Martin). I just started reading his work, most of which was written in the 80s and 90s. I got a collection of his short stories that tore my entire heart out of my chest and spat on it (affectionate[??]), and then immediately bought two more of his books lmao. Currently working through Lost Souls. His writing and its themes are deeply disturbing in a visceral way that I wouldn't recommend to most people, and only with the disclaimer of... basically every content warning you can imagine. Not a gentle intro to horror!

I like the way his stories challenge me, even if it's a kind of challenging I can't take very often. I love his prose (more of that lyrical goth shit I adore). And I admire how, in many of those short stories in that first book, I would hope deeply for a happy ending for characters I'd just met, and was never any less shocked and devastated when I didn't get it. That takes skill.

Third is Pia Foxhall, aka not-poignant on tumblr. I had no idea how much their writing would affect me when I first stumbled across it, like... woah. And most of it uploaded completely for free on ao3!! (I did buy one of his romance novels, but since I'm not much of a romance enjoyer, it didn't grip me as much as his other work.)

The first story I read of theirs, and my all-time favorite, was Falling Falling Stars. I read half a million words of it in three days (not recommended) (canceled all weekend plans) (barely ate or slept) (don't regret but would not repeat). It was my first time reading a POV character who also had OCD and debilitating intrusive thoughts, and I can't explain how much that meant to me. Spending all those words with him ended up making me a much kinder person, to others and to myself. I had major shifts in my view of the world and humanity, all for the better, thanks to that story.

is my author type "transmasc dark fiction writer of deeply flawed queer protags that make me rethink my entire outlook on life"?? maybe so!

What quote from a book resonated with you deeply?

this is sooooooo hard there are so many!!! i'll limit myself to two.

"...Steve's even breathing, the breathing of a man at peace with himself and at truce with the world." -- from Angels by Poppy Z. Brite

It may not seem like a super hard-hitting quote, but it was for me. I gasped out loud and just stared at it for a long while before continuing on. That has become my goal in life. The world is a scary place, for everyone and especially minorities, and I struggle with so much bad brain stuff every day. Loving myself and the world is just too lofty of a goal that's always felt impossible for me. But being at peace with myself, and at truce with the world? That's attainable. I could get there, and it would be enough.

and then an aftg banger:

“Your parents are dead, you are not fine, and nothing is going to be okay. This is not news to you. But from now until May you are still Neil Josten and I am still the man who said he would keep you alive.”

So many lines to go crazy over in this series, but this is the one that always gets me. There's something oddly beautiful and comforting about hearing a character straight up say "Everything is awful and you won't get a happy ending, we both know that. But I'm going to protect you for as long as I can anyway."

It just gets me!! Even though Neil did get a happy ending, it certainly never looked like he would. And I love that Andrew stuck with Neil throughout all that, and didn't give him false platitudes or pretend his situation wasn't awful. It was all kinds of awful, and Andrew was someone with whom Neil could be honest about that, when he couldn't be honest about anything else.

[growling]

ep 11

that's kinda gay Mori.......

flashback??

:3

the inherent homoeroticity of bodyguarding

president fukuzawa murder spree arc??

"i hate that you have the same smell as me" gay

ELISE NOOOO!!!!!!!!! the child is gone

the inherent homoeroticity of fucking killing each other

if fukuzawa is really dead and dazai becomes the new president i am killing somebody. if its kunikida though, as implied before, i'm throwing a party

oh yeah katai. he did exist

oh yeah i had a feeling he was alive. since you know. the intro

THE CAT

IT FUCKING EXPLODED????

hold on just a thought is the cat. is the cat that one guy whose name starts with n thats been mentioned a lot this episode. thatd be wild

WAIT IT IS????????? SKJGFDSJDKHIUDJS I WAS JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE- my brain is so huge i surprise myself sometimes .

oooooh its the guy from the intro too. cool moustache

and katai?? hello katai. oh just noticed natsume's hair on the back of his head resembles the calico pattern. also, because male calico: do we make this man trans or intersex.... or both...........

unparalleled swag on that guy

AKUTAGAWA AND ATSUSHI TOGETHER NOT BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER?????????? also dazai fuck off get your disgusting hands away from them jump onto the traffic now

our get along shirt

"what did you have for dinner last night" "yeah"

anyway. us in the scary tunnels

atsushi whyd. whoopsie. you said an OOPSIE

:(

job offer!!! endless benefits to reap!!!! the generosity of Akutagawa!!! woohoo!!!!

oh hi fyodor. whos your beautiful male maid over there. whyd you employ him huh..... so you can look at his curves with your homosexual gaze

also why does he wear the ushanka(?) inside is he just really cold all the time or does he think it makes him look so fucking cool

why do you look at him like that hmmmm..... not escaping the allegations i see.

he even holds the phone gayly.

he stuck a bomb in his employee lmao. he's so silly.....

do not remove the blue wire dude. i think he's trolling you i think he's having a devious moment

YEAGH KSDJFHGHJEKUDJIUDFJ

why'd you do that fyodor <33333

*points at him* gay. every pose you make is gay. you like men. and that is a terrible thing for them

rats. rats. the are rats.

i cringe watching atsushi do all this barefoot. i dont think he's got any skin left on there guys.... or does he have hard paw pads......

do the tiger boy. ur fast then.

AKUTAGAWA AND ATSUSHI MINECART SCENE???? LVOE IS IN THE AIR- Akutagawa baby you're hurt :((((( let's leave him behind give him some peace for his final moments

uh oh. Akutagawa virus arc

anyway season 3

episode 1:

there's gonna be chuuya apparently <3

CHUUYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the king of the sheep huh...... well then baa-

"im going to kill everyone in the port mafia" ohhh so that's like before before. and he does look younger and way less swagful that's wayyy before their slay era

[some time later idk it's a dazai scene. but i do like Mori and Hirotsu] ahhh so I was right and Chuuya is a "juvenile" then, and so is Dazai probably he also looks pretty young. boy.

HELLO CHUUYA and help me he looks to young....... little man...... ZERO swag.....

banger theme

i have been silent. sowwy im just yeah im just-

"im fifteen, im still growing" awwww. awwwww. i want to crush him in a mechanical press who said that

[lazywitchling]

I've identified as ace for about 5 years but for me I don't feel proud about it? I want to...

I'm trans and also ID as bi, so people don't really get how I can be bi and ace... So I don't make a big deal about my asexuality and even when I'm talking about my identity, or anyone is. My asexuality never comes up.

I don't know if you can relate to this at all really but my question is:

How did you come to accept your asexuality? Was it a struggle for you? And do you have any advice for someone that's shunned that part of themself for so long they've no idea how to even think of being proud of it?

Have a great day/night 🌻

Oooooh. Hm. Well this may or may not be helpful, but here we go:

I am currently only functioning with the one label. "Asexual" is my thing! Yay! I have my flag! I find my flag in gifsets and art and buttons and things! Cool! [points at the greyscale-and-purple] Look, it me!

I might be aromantic as well? But I'm less connected with that label, and not really sure if it fits. It probably does? Might not? idk. Either way, I don't see the aro flag and go "It me!" And tbh, that's totally fine. I can have parts of myself that are exciting and that I connect with and that make me proud. And I can have parts that are like "You know, idk, that's not really a big deal to me. It's part of me, sure, but it doesn't really impact me right now."

You don't have to be OUT AND LOUD AND PROUD of every bit of yourself. Some things can just kinda be there.

I don't really make a Big Deal about my sexuality IRL, either. I wear an ace ring because it makes me happy, and because I've found and been found by a few other aces that way. I have an ace flag pin that I made, because it signals others that I am Part Of The Group, Too. I have never really come out in the dramatic sense, never sat anyone down and explained to them my ace-ness. But if they pick up on the symbols I wear, cool! But nbd if they don't.

Most times, my pride is less prideful and more comfortable. Identifying as ace just makes me feel right in my own head and life and how I relate to the world.

The times when I have felt pride is around other people. Participating in covering this website in rainbows during June makes me feel pride, because I'm doing it alongside others. Talking to other aces and swapping urls of etsy shops that sell black rings makes me feel pride, because I've made that connection and found another person like me.

And I'll tell you what, I have never felt more prideful than I did when a friend of mine came to me and told me that she'd recently started identifying as ace, and it's because she had seen me and just how normal I made it just by talking about it. That by watching me, she realized that what she was feeling was normal and actually pretty cool and not wrong or scary at all.

[chef kiss]

I'm giving you a really long answer, I'm sorry 😂

But yeah. Pride is cool. Being comfortable is better. Pride follows that pretty easily. You probably know this better than I do, with your being trans! When you find something that seems to click your soul into place like a puzzle piece, you feel that moment of "Ahhh.... yes, that's right" like a good warm blanket. Flags can come later.

I can expand on the story later, but basically how I accepted my asexuality (after several months of waffling "am I? no. but am I? i mean. nah. but maybe?") was that I essentially said to myself "I am asexual. And that's pretty cool."