#ooc. seriously I shouldn’t have posted the first thing I was just angry | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

reidgraygubler · 4 years ago

Text

lonely moonlight (spencer reid/reader)

Title: lonely moonlight

Request: no

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader

Category: angst (w/ maybe the tiniest bit of fluff); songfic

Content Warning: thoughts of wanting to cause harm, verbal arguments, mentions of divorce, intrusive thoughts, talks about abortion, mentions of bad mental health, ptsd (?), mentions of anxiety, mentions of needing to get help, someone walking out on their partner, pregnancy, mildly ooc spencer, post prison!reid, swearing (if any) (if i missed anything or something needs to be tagged, please message me and i’ll add it)

Word Count: 6,694

Summary: spencer left his partner and ends up regretting it.

A/N: howdy partners! This is for @badthingshappenbingo (more about that later), blocking off the rejected apology square on my card (pictured at the bottom). this is very loosely based on the song lonely moonlight by ryan ross! this was something i don’t usually write. it’s probably the most angsty fic i’ve ever written... and it’s a little more on the “darker” side. please pay attention to the content warnings, and again if i missed anything, please message me! thank you everyone for the love and support on my other works!! check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

The days following up to me leaving were bad. I wondered if that’s what it was like for Aaron and Haley. Although, there were different circumstances between the two of them. Same with David and all 3 of his wives. But, who am I to compare my problems with my superiors and their problems. Although, their wives left them… Not the other way around. Not like how I left you.

I should have stayed. We could have figured everything out. But I left. I think it’s because I got scared and didn’t know how to talk to you. And the reason behind why I got scared is a valid reason… I wanted to cause harm...

“God! This is so ridiculous!” you shouted from across the living room. I watched as you looked around the room, at all the piled up books and files. “I just do not understand you!” Your shout was louder than before, causing me to flinch slightly.

“I don’t know what you want from me!” I returned the shout, watching as it was your turn to flinch. “What do you want!?! Huh!? You know I can’t read your mind!” I stared at you. I wish I had noticed you were crying before I yelled. But that didn’t stop me…

“Spencer!” The way your voice shook didn’t bother me. But what did bother me was the way my hand started to ball up. It scared me. I took a step back, pressing my body against the wall that was closer than I originally thought.

I looked at you before I stormed out of the living room and out of the apartment all together. The sounds of your light footsteps followed behind me, and your faint voice calling out my name. I didn’t stop though, even as you begged me to stay. I couldn’t stay though… Not when I wanted to cause harm to someone I loved.

So, I left.

{***}{***}{***}

I looked down at the file in hand, reading over the case we just returned from. You didn’t come with. It wasn’t the first case you missed, and it wouldn’t be the last. Everyone ignored how awkward and uncomfortable it was in the room where we sat to talk about our cases.

“Hey, Reid,” Luke’s voice pulled my eyes from my case and to look up at him. He nodded towards the door to the bullpen, causing me to follow his gesture.

You were there, walking in like you knew what you wanted and that you were going to get it. I stood up and watched as you walked in more, scanning the room. Our eyes met and I dropped my shoulders as you walked towards Emily’s office. I tossed my file to my desk and practically ran up to you. I nearly tripped over my feet as I met you at the steps to the cat-walk.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Spencer,” you kept your voice low and your head held high. You didn’t even bother to look over at me.

“Please, just a minute. Two minutes. And then you never have to talk to me… again…” I tried to hold my ground but failed when my words broke. My throat and lips nearly betrayed me, closing as the last few syllables failed to come from me. “Let me explain myself,” I whispered, looking at you. If I spoke any louder, I’d fear my voice would crack, forcing me to crack and become a ball of emotions.

You stopped right in front of Emily’s office and looked at me. You looked right at me… I honestly can’t remember the last time I remembered you looking at me, and not right through me. It was well before our last fight, and even before we even started fighting.

“I don’t want to talk to you. You lost that chance when you left,” your tone held authority. I was left speechless as you stepped into the office, shutting the door in my face. Emily closed the blinds, leaving me to wonder what the conversation would be about.

I sulked back to my desk and lowered myself down to my seat. I kept my eyes on the closed-off room, waiting for you to leave. I didn’t want to miss what could be my last chance in ever talking to you again.

“How’d it go?” Luke asked as he appeared beside me and my desk. I sighed, glancing at him, taking my eyes off the door for a brief moment.

“She didn’t want to talk,” I whispered as Luke leaned against my desk. He was also looking at Emily’s office. I tried not to slouch, but it was so hard when it felt like a weight was on my shoulders, weighing me down.

“I don’t blame her,” Luke whispered, resting a hand on my shoulder. I swallowed roughly and closed my eyes.

“Thanks for that, Luke,” I muttered before pulling my shoulder away from his touch.

“Is she talking to Emily?” Penelope’s voice caused me to open my eyes again. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“You knew she was coming?” I looked right at Penelope. She was standing beside Luke and looking right at Emily’s office. Jennifer and Tara joined us, standing on the other side of my desk.

“You were the only person she didn’t tell, Spencer,” Jennifer looked at me for a moment. She looked at me like I was the last person she wanted to be around. I didn’t realize you two were so close. You told her everything, and I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass. “In fact, you’re the only person here she doesn’t want to see right now.” her tone was cool, and still. And, it made me feel like the bad guy. To be fair… I already felt like the bad guy.

“There’s no need to point that out, Jennifer,” I muttered, picking up the file and looking over it. I tried my hardest to keep focus on the file, but it was so hard when everyone was around me, looking at Emily’s office.

“I wonder what they’re talking about,” Penelope whispered, wrapping her arm around Luke’s before resting her head on his shoulder. I swallowed roughly and looked over at the door before looking back at Jennifer. She was looking at me, her lips pierced together in a thin line. She was angry and there was nothing I could do to make her not angry.

“Could be anything,” Tara returned. I tried my hardest to keep from rolling my eyes. But I so obviously failed.

“I heard she was transferring,” Jennifer looked away and at Tara. That was it. You were officially leaving and transferring out of the BAU. All Jennifer had to say was that you were leaving and I knew it was true. Again, you tell her everything. So, that’s why you were here…

“That’s not true! She can’t leave!” Penelope protested. I let out an annoyed sigh. “She... She has to stay! She’s a part of the family!” she continued. I almost wanted to snap at her. But, I wasn’t angry at Penelope. No, I wasn’t even mad at you. I was mad at myself.

“She told me that she was. Who knows what Emily is going to tell her.” Jennifer shrugged. I could still feel Jennifer’s eyes on me. Like her eyes were lasers boring a hole into my head.

“I hope wherever she transfers to… She enjoys… I’ll miss her a lot,” Tara walked around to her desk, finally leaving me alone. Now I just need everyone else to go.

We sat in silence, staring at Emily’s door. I couldn’t help but feel my stomach bubble with too many emotions. I wanted to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, but the door to Emily’s office opened and you both stepped out. You guys shared a few more words before you looked over at the group watching for you.

“We were just… Talking,” Penelope smiled at you. I wanted to glare, but I knew I shouldn’t direct my anger at her. In fact, I couldn’t direct my anger anywhere. It was my own fault you were leaving.

You looked away from the group before walking away from Emily. You walked over to my desk and the group of people around it. Our friends. Our family.

“Just talking to Emily about a few things. That’s all,” you whispered. A lie. You didn’t want to tell everyone that you had put in for a transfer… No, what will happen is we’ll all show up to the office, and your desk will be empty, clean of your stuff. “I, uh, wish I could stay. But, I’m having coffee with someone and I don’t want to be late,” you pressed with a fake smile, trying to convince us all you were fine, even though we all knew you weren’t fine.

“You can’t leave,” Penelope looked at you with wide eyes. I could feel my heart rate picked up as I looked up at you. “We aren’t a family if you leave.” she continued, her voice pleading to you. You looked at Jennifer, clearly annoyed that she told everyone that you were leaving.

“Penelope,” Jennifer started, her tone warning.

“Now really isn’t the time, Pen… I seriously have to go. I can’t be late,” you looked at her and shook your head. The look on your face was incredibly apologetic and I knew you were sorry for everyone but me. “I’ll see you guys later,” you flashed everyone a smile before turning to leave. “Goodbye,” you mumbled as you looked at me one last time.

I sighed, dropping my shoulders, as I watched you leave the BAU for the last time. My eyes stayed frozen on the elevator doors as they closed, and I could feel a familiar wetness rolling down my cheeks.

{***}{***}{***}

I’ll have to be honest, this isn’t the first or last day I’ve spent sitting in my office at home, regret filling my head and my heart. The sunset made the room look golden and the rays shone off the various reflective surfaces.

I needed a change of scenery. My apartment, office, and BAU offices were starting to drag me down emotionally and mentally. All places that reminded me of you. So, I packed a book and other things and went to the nearby park… Which is where we’d gone on many picnics.

Why would I go to the park as the day turned into the night? You know, I’m not sure. I just needed something different and the park was the best thing I could think of. It was walking distance and I knew no one would be there to bother me.

That was until I saw you.

You were walking beside Jennifer on the far side of the park. Henry was running around, playing with a remote control car. Michael was sitting on your hip, his head resting on your shoulder as he slept. And something about that looked so natural to me. If I had known you were here with Jennifer and her kids, I wouldn’t have come. I swear.

I kept my head low as I walked towards one of the park benches on the far side of the park. With my book in hand, I continued to pretend that I didn’t see you and prayed that you didn’t see me. I don’t know why I didn’t just leave and go to a different park… It was the familiarity of this one that made me feel safe. Or, maybe it was the chance of you seeing me, and wanting to talk.

“Uncle Spencer?” A young boy’s voice asked as a fire engine red remote control car hit my feet. I closed my book and looked up to see Henry standing in front of me.

“Henry,” I smiled at him. I closed my book and placed it back in my bag. “What are you doing here?" I asked, pretending that I didn't see his mom, little brother, and you.

"Mom brought me," he smiled as he looked over towards Jennifer and you. "She wanted to talk to…" he trailed off the end of his sentence, not wanting to say your name. Jennifer and Will didn't tell him about what happened between us. But he was old enough to know. Considering any event we were both invited to, we avoided each other like the plague. I’m sure he thought it was weird that his aunt and uncle (his god-parents) stopped talking to each other and ignored each other every chance they had.

"That's nice," I felt my smile falter as I nodded, "Is this the race car your dad got you?” I asked, keeping my eyes on Henry. He smiled and nodded as he picked up the car.

“Yeah, mom said I could bring it with while they talked,” he looked down at the toy. I smiled at him and nodded. “It doesn’t go very fast though,” he looked back up at me and pouted.

“I’m sure you could make it go faster. With upgrades.” I smiled at him as he placed the car back to the ground. I watched as he drove the car and spun it out. I watched as he moved it back and forth on the sidewalk in front of us until he drove it away and towards people walking towards us. The small red car hit the feet of two people, causing both Henry and me to look up.

At first, I looked at Jennifer. I knew she wouldn’t be mad to see me. The tense expression her face held told me a different story. Her jaw was clenched and her lips were in a tight line. Her eyes were wide, but the emotion behind them frightened me a bit.

Then I looked over at you. Your hand was resting on Michael’s lower back as you held him. Your hair was in disarray that looked nice, but that’s how you usually wore it anyways. You had bags under your eyes, they were a deeper color than they were before, it was a clear sign that you had obviously lost sleep. And then you looked at me, fear and sadness in your eyes. The golden sunshine shone across your face, highlighting the important details. The details I loved. But, also details that you didn’t deserve to have, all because of the stress I caused.

I rushed to stand to my feet, my bag falling off the bench and spilling its contents all over the ground. I didn’t care though. I just wanted to talk to you.

“H-hey,” I looked at you, then back at Jennifer, then back at you. You kept your eyes on me as I fumbled over my words, trying to find the right thing to say. “I was just… I just wanted to come out to read and go for a walk,” I spoke, trying to find a pliable excuse to be here, at the public park. It wasn’t even an excuse. I was actually here to read. I don’t know why I need to explain why I was here.

“You’re allowed to be at the park, Spencer,” you whispered back. I stared at you before I realized something. You spoke to me. And it was the first time too since you transferred out from the BAU. We stared at each other, feeling an awkward tension grow between us.

Jennifer cleared her throat, causing me to rip my eyes from you and look at the ground. I silently cursed myself when I noticed all my belongings on the ground. I fell to my knees and pushed all my things back into my bag.

“We should get going. I know Will should be home soon and we can get a head start on dinner.” Jennifer spoke, causing me to snap my head to look at her. You were staring at where I was standing, but not at me.

“Yeah, yeah… That’s probably a good idea,” you looked at Jennifer and smiled, “Michael here is getting a little bit heavy,” you let out a very forced laugh. I stood back up before brushing the debris off my pants. You and Jennifer (even Henry) look at me with wide eyes.

“Can we talk?" I asked, nearly begging, as I looked at you. You refused to look at me again. And I could see a familiar wetness in your eyes. My shoulders instantly sagged as I looked at you and watched tears begin to form in your eyes. My heart sank to my stomach, which then sunk to the ground. “Please?” I whispered.

“Henry, are you ready to go?” You looked down at the boy, who was holding his red race car. I swallowed roughly, watching as you offered Henry your hand. You looked back at me before leading Henry away from Jennifer and I.

I reached out my hand to stop you but failed when Jennifer stepped in front of me. I looked back at her, ready to protest her stopping me.

“Jennifer, please,” I thought I shouted, but I’m sure it was hardly above a whisper. She dropped her hand from my arm and looked at the ground. I watched as you brought Henry and Michael back to the Jaraeu-LaMontange mini-van. Something about the way you carried Michael and helped Henry looked very natural. I couldn’t place my finger on why though.

“Leave her alone,” Jennifer whispered, pulling my attention back to her. I looked at her with wide eyes, my lips parted my mouth dry of words.

“I need to talk to her,” I whispered as I gathered my things again. I put the strap of my bag back over my body as I held a death-grip on my book. “I have to talk to her,” I turned to leave, but stopped when Jennifer grasped my hand again. “Jennifer,” I warned as I looked at her.

“She doesn’t want to talk to you right now. Okay? Give her time to figure stuff out,” she spoke. Her tone was low and had a certain demanding tone to it. “She went from having you in her life 24-7 to not having you at all. Give her time, Spence,”

“Okay, okay,” I whispered as I looked to the ground, “How much time?” I looked back up at Jennifer with tears threatening to fall.

“I don’t know. You left her without an explanation, Spence. And she needs time to heal… To fix herself… To rebuild herself… She ju-” She bit her lips together to stop herself from saying something. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s wrong? She just what?” I dropped my shoulders as I looked at her. She looked at me and shook her head.

“Just leave her alone for right now. She’ll come to you when she’s ready,” Jennifer half-warned. I went to argue back but failed when she looked at me before leaving. I sat back down on the bench and buried my face into my hands. A frustrated sigh left my lips as I pushed my fingers through my hair.

I looked up and over at the mini-van. You and Jennifer were sitting in the front seat, talking to each other. And I noticed that you looked over at me once or twice. I let out another frustrated sigh before standing up and walking back home.

The thoughts and memories filled my head of when you were mine and I was yours and before I made a stupid decision. The sunshine was almost fully gone by the time I returned home and it was safe to say this was another day I lost filled with regret.

{***}{***}{***}

My body jerked, forcing me to wake up and sit in bed. The bedding and blankets pooled around my waist as I felt the bed beside me. There was a moment where I forgot you weren’t there and panic settled in my stomach. And then I remembered.

The darkness of the room started to feel claustrophobic and I panicked in the night. I nearly knocked everything off my nightstand as I went to turn the lamp.

You would always tell me not to be afraid of the dark (or anything for that matter). But, ever since I left and we no longer saw each other, I was afraid. I looked over at where you once slept and reached my hands out over the blankets to feel for you. Even though I knew you weren’t there, I wished you were.

I sighed deeply before kicking the blankets off me. My body was on auto-pilot, and I found myself in the kitchen. The tea kettle was on the stove, waiting for the water to warm up. The clock on the stove read 3:13 in the morning.

The moonlight illuminated the living room, the silver lighting hitting the coffee table, floor, and the various stacks of books. It sort of reflected my mood for the last few months. I wondered if you felt this way. Probably not.

I sat down on the couch and turned the lamp on. A random book was in my hand, and my nose was in it. I was not retaining any of the information as I read, or looked at the words.

A knock on the door honestly scared me. I wasn’t expecting anyone at my home at 3:30 in the morning. I looked down at my book before placing it on the couch beside me. I grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around my body, hiding my pajamas from whoever was at the door.

I don’t know who I was expecting when I looked through the peephole. Maybe it was a hitman coming to kill me. No, no that’s entirely too dark. Serial Killer? Maybe a burglar? No, burglars don’t knock. Could be Luke coming over, drunk because the woman he was sleeping with told him to leave. Or, maybe Penelope wanted to have a late-night Doctor Who marathon. Of all the people and things to be at my door…

I wasn’t expecting you.

You were standing on the other side, your eyes red and puffy from crying and your hair still in messy disarray (this time it was because of restless sleep and a clear emotional breakdown). I couldn’t tell if the makeup you had on during the day was washed away by your tears, or if you cleaned your face before the day ended. But I could see faint streaks on your cheeks. You wore a pair of flannel pants with a very big sweater.

It had been a few days (okay, weeks… Month and a half…) since I saw you at the park. My heart nearly stilled as I looked at you in the peephole. My body was paralyzed against the door. I watched as you lifted your hand and knocked again.

Except you didn’t get to knock, I had pulled the door open before you hit the door. You looked at me with shock on your face.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you to be awake,” you whispered, dropping your gaze from my face. I stared at you with wide eyes. You came, expecting me to be asleep… I wondered what you would have done if I was asleep, and if you would have told me you showed up to my house so early in the morning (or late at night. Depends on how you look at it.).

“No, no… It’s okay. I was awake anyway. I was working on some files,” I lied and waved my hand off like it was nothing. “No, wait… Sorry. I was already awake. I was reading The Narrative of John Smith. I wasn’t doing any extra work,” I looked back at you.

“Why… Why were you awake?” you asked, furrowing your eyebrows. I watched as you brought your hand to your lips and bit your thumbnail. That was one of the many nervous ticks you had, and I wanted nothing more than for you to not be nervous around me.

“Couldn’t sleep. So I thought I’d have some tea and read a little bit.” I looked over my shoulder towards my book and teacup. I quickly looked back at you, scared you wouldn’t actually be there when I looked back. I let out a sigh of relief when my eyes landed on you. “What are you doing here?” I watched as you looked at the door jamb.

“I, uh, I’m ready to, uh… I’m ready to talk,” you whispered as you looked at me. You folded your arms over your chest as you kept your eyes on me. This was the first time I noticed that you looked different. And not because you were awake at 3:30 in the morning in the midst of a breakdown. You looked different and I didn’t know how to explain it.

“You’re… You’re ready to talk?” I asked, my voice suddenly trembling as I looked at you. You nodded as you wiped your eyes with your fingers.

“Yeah, yeah, uh…” you wrinkled your nose as you looked at the ground. “Figured it was time. Been a few months and wanted to talk,” you whispered at the ground. I stepped to the side and pulled the door open more.

“Do you want tea?” I asked, knowing tea calms you down. You looked back up at me and nodded lightly. You stepped into my apartment (which at some point was our apartment) and went right to the couch. I stood still for a moment before retreating to the kitchen.

I quickly poured the hot water into a new teacup. I grabbed a chamomile tea bag, the milk, and a bottle of honey before going back out to you.

“Chamomile… I brought you the milk and honey too. If you want something else and sugar… Or… Anything.” I whispered as I sat back down where I once was. I placed the items on the coffee table.

“Thank you,” you whispered, putting the tea bag into the cup.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, trying to figure out why the hell you were here and if I was actually dreaming. You steeped the bag a little bit in the water, your eyes looking at the steam swirling off the water.

“I could lie and say yes, but I don’t think that’d be fair to you, Spencer,” you finally looked at me. Tears were sitting in your eyes, threatening to fall. I shifted in my seat, turning to look at you more. “Everything is not okay,” you whispered, your voice breaking. I scanned the room, looking for a box of tissues. I got up and grabbed them for you. You took a few before blowing your nose.

“I’m-”

“Let me talk… Please, before you apologize,” you cut me off as you looked at me. I nodded and kept my eyes on you. You were still looking at me, the tears started rolling down your cheeks and you used your sleeve to dry them. You licked your lips as you looked for the right words to say. “JJ didn’t want me to come over,” you whispered, finally taking your eyes off me. You looked back at the steaming water. I could feel a familiar anger bubbling in my stomach, that was directed towards Jennifer. Of course, she didn’t want you to come over. “So I left when I knew she was asleep. I think the last time I did that was when I was 16,” you let out a dry laugh before you sipped your tea.

I stared at you, taking in the way you sat in a moment of silence. You were probably thinking of what you wanted to say. You were never good with words and articulating them. But, neither was I. “You know, like when you would sneak out of your house so whoever you were with didn’t wake up? God, I did that a lot as a teenager,” you laughed before sipping your tea. You shivered as the hot tea went down your throat. “Anyways, sorry… Basically, JJ doesn’t know I’m here,” you momentarily glanced at me before looking back at your tea.

“I won’t tell her you came,” I whispered as I turned to face you more. I watched as you leaned over and placed the teacup on the coffee table. You grabbed a random throw pillow off the couch and hugged it close to your body, as if it was some sort of protection.

“I don’t think you understand how hard life has been for me the last couple of months, Spencer,” you whispered, keeping your eyes anywhere but me. I furrowed my eyebrows, not because I was confused. But because I wasn’t sure what you were going to say. “And… and I’ve been trying to wrap my head around why you left, and what I did wrong to make you leave, and… I’m still working on getting better… But, I found something out and it broke me back down…” you whispered as you looked over at me. You were very cautious as you looked at me. Tears were fresh in your eyes again, and I knew you weren’t going to be able to control them. You sniffled and closed your eyes.

“What’s wrong,” I asked, keeping my voice low. I didn’t want it to go any louder in fear of my voice breaking the slightest bit. Tears started to blur my vision as I looked at you.

“Why’d you leave me in the first place?” You asked instead of answering me. Part of me wanted to point out that you answered my question with a question. But I didn’t bother.

“I got scared of losing you,” I whispered and looked down at the couch. That was partly true. I did, indeed, fear losing you. That wasn’t the whole truth… I was scared of losing you but I was more scared of hurting you.

I wrinkled my nose as tears started running down my cheeks. “And, I didn’t think about the consequences and outcome of me just… leaving,” I looked up at you. I left out the true reasoning for me leaving you. I could tell you knew I was leaving something out. But neither of us wanted to point it out.

“You did a lot more than lose me, Spencer,” you dryly laughed again as you spoke. I swallowed roughly and nodded.

“Yes, I know. And it was a mistake. You don’t understand how much I regret leaving. I’ve never wanted to take something back so badly in my entire li-”

“I’m pregnant, Spencer,” you cut me off and spoke. Your tone was filled with authority and you were so sure when you spoke. It totally caught me off guard, I wasn’t sure if I heard you correctly.

“I’m… I’m sorry. Wh-what? You’re what?” I stared at you, my lips parted and eyes wide. I swear my heart stopped as I tried to comprehend what you said. Or… it was going so fast and I just couldn't feel it.

“I’m pregnant. And, obviously, it’s yours. I’ve contemplated so many things. But, I think you would have killed me if you didn’t know,” you whispered as you looked away from me. I looked at you, trying to find the right words to say, but I couldn’t figure out what to say.

Then I thought back to the park. You were so dismissive, which is allowed considering the things I had done and said to you. Or the lack of things said to you. But then I remembered how natural Michael looked in your arms and how you were with Henry and how different you seemed. Jennifer was talking about you, about you just-ing something but she cut herself off… Jennifer knows.

“Does Jennifer-”

“Yes, she knows. She knew when we saw you at the park… And she knew when I talked to Emily about transferring,” you whispered, picking at the fabric of pajamas. Your voice was so soft, I felt bad for leaving you and I tried to not be mad at you for keeping something so big from me. “Emily knows too…” you answered my next question.

“You’ve known for that long?” I finally found words to say. You looked at me like you were a kid who was getting in trouble. But you weren’t getting in trouble. I was just… Mad at myself.

“I… I, uh, I didn’t know what to do. And, JJ was the only person I could talk to about it.” Your words were soft and quiet and you avoided me and my eyes like the plague.

I wanted to be mad… But I didn’t exactly have the right to be mad at you. After all the things I did to you? It wasn’t fair if I snapped at you. You knew this too. You knew me well enough to know that I wanted to be mad.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked after some time had passed. It felt like hours, but in reality, it was only a mere few minutes.

“Because… I wasn’t sure if I was going to stay in DC… I wasn’t sure if I even wanted it…”

“Clearly you do if you’re telling me,” I whispered and looked at you. You looked at me, ready to protest, but failed when you realized I was right. You knew I was right. Why else would you be telling me that you’re pregnant if you didn’t want it? You dropped your head before nodding.

“There’s more to you leaving me though, isn’t there? It wasn't just about losing me,” you asked, changing the subject back to me. You didn’t want to talk about your pregnancy that you’ve known about for several months. So, I swallowed roughly before nodding. “What was it? Were you cheating on me? Were you bored with me? Did I do something wrong? Was it something I did? Or was it something I didn't do?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong… It was all me…” I paused and looked up at you. You were looking at me, intently watching me. I took a deep breath as I lifted my hand to wipe your cheeks. “I wasn’t cheating on you, and I wasn’t bored with you,” I pulled my hand back to my lap and flexed my fingers. “I think it was just… Work was getting overwhelming… And,” my words trailed off for a moment, causing me to sigh.

“That’s not a good enough reason, Spencer, you know that,” you looked at me and shook your head. Your tone was short. There was no hiding it, you knew there was something else. I just didn’t have the heart to tell you the truth… But, I had to.

“The issue stopped being the actual problem… and it became me wanting to hurt you… And… And I never want to feel that way… Be-because I love you.” I looked up at you, watching the tears slip down your cheeks. “I don’t want to hurt the people that I love,” my voice was hardly above a whisper, “I guess… I-I need help, and I didn’t realize it till… till I had those thoughts,” I could feel my words shaking as I spoke. You looked at me with worry in your eyes.

“Spencer,” you whispered. I looked up at you and watched as you reached over, nervously placing your hand on my knee. I looked at you and let out a deep breath. Part of me wasn’t so sure we should be having this conversation at 4 in the morning. But here we are, having it. “After everything you’ve been through, with… With prison, and… and Cat, and Scratch…” your words trailed off as you spoke of the horrors I’ve lived through within the last few years, “Of course you need help… And… And we can get you the help that you need,” you whispered as you looked up at me. My eyes stayed glued to the hand you had resting on my knee. You were here… With me...

“It was just too much… And… I-I’m happy I didn’t do anything…. To…” I paused and took a shaky breath, but also to keep myself from saying that I almost did hurt you. Although, I did hurt you when I left. “I just didn’t know how to ask for help, even when I didn’t reali-”

"Spencer,” you started, your voice low and quiet. I could hear the raspiness in your voice. I’m sure it was the exhaustion of life for you. And it was my fault...

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” I whispered. I knew just saying sorry wasn’t going to be enough. Something else needed to be said, but I didn’t know what. “I’m so sorry,” I couldn’t help but repeat my apology even as I brought a hand to cover my eyes, and as I fell forward to let a sob go through my body.

“Hey, hey, Spence, it’s okay…” You whispered as you rested a hand on my back. I could feel you move closer to me as you embraced me better. I sat up and looked over at you. “I… I can’t accept your apology right… right now… But, I think we can work on it. We both need help… We can help and heal… Together…” you turned to face me more. Your gentle hands grasped both mine, holding them in the space between our bodies.

“It’s something we’ll both have to work on,” you looked at me before looking down at our hands. I stared at you, waiting to hear you continue. My heart was beating faster than it should and I was only a little worried about it stopping. I could feel my palms getting hot and sweaty on the leather couch.

“You… You…” I swallowed roughly and squeezed my eyes shut. Tears rolled down my cheeks, causing me to roughly push them away.

“Obviously I want you back in my life, Spencer. I’m sure you’re aware of how hard these few months have been for me,” you whispered, your voice so soft, I’m happy there were no other sounds. I’m sure I wouldn’t have heard you if it was 4 in the afternoon instead of 4 in the morning. “But, you have to understand, things are going to have to change in order for us to work. Especially now… that I’m pregnant,” you whispered and nodded.

“Of course! No, I know that! I understand that more than anything in the world.” I moved closer to you and nodded. My heart finally returned to it’s normal speed. “I’ll stay. And not because you’re pregnant. I knew I wanted you back right when I realized my mistake,” I whispered, looking down at our hands. Your hand was on top of mine, and your thumb rubbed the back of my hand. “I can’t apologize enough, because no matter how many times I apologize… Sorry won’t be enough.” I wrinkled my nose and looked back at you.

“I’m not going to give you anymore second chances, Spencer. Please, understand that… You have to get help… If not for me, or yourself, for our child…” You spoke with a sureness in your voice. You knew what you wanted, and you knew you were going to get it. Honestly, I was going to give it to you too.

“No, no, I do… I do understand… I’ll get all the help I can. I promise,” I kept my eyes on you. A worried feeling overtook my body, I was worried that all of this was just a dream and you’d be gone when I’d wake up. But you were here and it wasn’t just a dream.

At this point, I’d be willing to do anything to keep you safe, and our unborn child safe. I knew I didn’t want to mess this up. I didn’t want to miss any moments or chances of a family. Considering you were my family and I’ve known that for a long time. I didn’t want to lose any more time with you. These last few months without you were the roughest, and I didn’t want that anymore.

taglist: @thebluetint , @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto

(if you would like to be a part of the taglist just let me know :) )

#shadow writes stuff #masterlist #matthew gray gubler #spencer reid #criminal minds #mgg #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #doctor spencer reid #doctor spencer reid imagine #doctor spencer reid fanfiction #doctor spencer reid fan fiction #spencer reid x you #doctor spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid angst

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eirist · 3 years ago

Text

Little Bits and Pieces of Heaven

EVENING OF THE SEVENTH

One-shot #: 29

Disclaimer: One Piece (and its characters) belongs to Eiichiro Oda-sensei.

Reminder: I have no beta-reader. Any grammatical and spelling errors are solely mine.

Warning: OOC possible. One shot.

Rating: T

Note: For @bloodshot13. You wanted a Japanese Festival. AU. So here it is. I must say it is an awesome suggestion and would be a pity if it’s only going to be a drabble. Besides the story itself wanted to be a bit longer so I yielded. Enjoy!

I used the Japanese Tanabata Festival for this hence the title. And for wordplay reason as well. I think this festival is a good choice of setting for these two’s not-so-perfect first date.

Summary: Not all first dates are perfect. And with Zoro and Nami… this shouldn’t come as a surprise at all.

“You’re late.”

A pout appeared on pinkish lips before a familiar I-knew-it-look appeared on Nami’s face as she stared him down.

Zoro scratched the back of his head. “It’s nothing new,” he retorted—a bit weakly though—trying to justify why he made her wait for him for a good fifteen minutes.

“I shouldn’t be surprised,” she deadpanned. “It’s a miracle you even made it here.”

Zoro glared at her for that comment.

Nami glared back… more viciously. “Zoro, this place is just a ten minute walk from your apartment! Fifteen from mine and I still got here before you!” She explained with a huff.

“I’m here now aren’t I?”

Nami regarded him with eyes promising excruciating pain solely for him.

“If this is your idea of dating a girl, you definitely suck Zoro.”

“Oi!”

It didn’t occur to the green-haired idiot that Nami hated standing alone at festival’s entrance, waiting for him to arrive. It didn’t helped that a lot of couples who passed by gave her lingering, wondering gazes before whispering to each other making her feel uncomfortable.

“Let’s just go,” Nami spun around to leave him still scratching his dumb head. “We’re wasting time.” She said it in a rather curt tone that made Zoro feel dread coiling inside his stomach.

Damn it! They barely made it past the festival entrance and Nami’s already mad at him.

It only took three strides for him to catch up to her as she entered the festival street. It was filled with people of all ages. Japanese lanterns hung overhead lighting the whole place, along with decorations made from colorful papers in different shapes. There were ornamental balls with their colorful streamers everywhere while stalls for food, games and other items for sell bordered both sides. Children ran around them, as their parents breathlessly tried to catch up, warning them that they might get lost.

“Oi Nami,” he called as the orange-haired girl pouted her way through the festival’s jam-packed and noisy street. “Come on. Wipe that sulky look off your face.”

“Hmph!”

“Fine!” He huffed, feeling his temper flare at her tantrum.

Nami tried to hurry away from him and Zoro rolled his eye as her effort was futile while wearing a yukata.

He followed her with a scoff as she continued making her way through crowd, ignoring the stalls around them. She was heading at the end of the street where a bridge leading to the temple was situated. It was lit up with the same lanterns that were hanging above them. Bamboo trees lined up its sides decorated with tanzaku in different colors.

“Nami.”

“What?!” She hissed barely glancing at him as she continued walking, her wooden sandals clicking angrily at every step.

“Why are you angry? I arrived here didn’t I?”

She stopped in front of a stall selling candy apples and chocolate bananas and stared at him in disbelief.

The idiot had forgotten that they agreed to meet an hour earlier than what their friends had set so they could enjoy the festival together without any interruptions.

Nami didn’t bother reminding him of that. What’s the use? Instead she just pressed some fingers to her temple to subdue the impending headache that is Zoro.

They still haven’t made it past ten minutes together and she’s ready to kick the living daylights out of his moronic ass.

“Ugh. I give up,” she groaned after a few seconds, shoulders slumping dejectedly.

“What now?” Zoro growled at her.

Nami lifted her eyes to glare at him again. This was supposed to be a sort-of-‘romantic’ evening between the two of them.

They finally agreed to try and move their relationship one step further a week ago… from long-time friends to lovers finally…

She thought that this festival is the perfect opportunity to test the waters for their first ‘date’.

Did she honestly she believed things are going to be easy with this man? Not when it looks like Zoro still has to grasp the concept of ‘dating’.

This will definitely take a lot of work. A damn LOT of work!

She let out an exasperated sigh and Zoro’s brows furrowed.

“Let’s just go hang wishes on those bamboos and wait for the others so we can enjoy this festival.” Nami mumbled as she turned away from him for the second time that night, practically giving up the thought that they can pull off anything akin to a date at this festival.

Zoro frowned at what she said. Wait for the others so they can enjoy tonight?

Her statement actually hit a spot.

Weren’t they were supposed to enjoy this together? Wasn’t that the plan?

He ran a hand along his hair in frustration and followed her silently.

This time Nami was not hurrying away from him. She strode ahead in a cool manner, head shifting left and right as she observed the stalls lining the street.

His frown deepened.

Ok, maybe it’s his mistake for being late. But it’s not his fault he kept ending up on the other side of the street from the where the festival is taking place! It was too crowded and the directions posted for its location were confusing.

He had circled the area thrice before he spotted Nami—looking really pretty in her mikan-patterned, light-green yukata with her hair up in a side bun and decorated with a bouquet-like kanzashi, its dangling beads swinging slightly from her movement.

There were curling wisps of her orange hair framing her face and it made him want to reach out and touch them just to feel their softness against his fingers.

Zoro clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, mentally chastising himself as he recalled the look on Nami’s face earlier as she peered in the crowd waiting for him to show up.

It dawned into him that he didn’t like that expression on her.

He reached out to grasped her hand in his, stopping Nami in her tracks.

“Hey… I’m sorry ok?”

Nami looked surprised with what he said. She looked down and blinked at their joined hands disbelievingly before shifting her eyes up at him.

Then she pursed her lips as if trying to stop herself from smiling at him.

“You’re an idiot Zoro.”

“Yeah, I know.”

This time she didn’t fight the smile that wanted to appear on her lips.

“I should’ve expected this,” she said with a roll of her eyes as she squeezed his hand that was still clasping hers. “Next time… I’ll just pick you up in your apartment to save us time.” She stared straight in his eye, daring him disagree with her.

“Fine.” He answered and Nami looked startled at how easily he agreed. “If it saves me from your pouts and sulking as we—OUCH!”

Nami deliberately stepped on his feet with her wooden sandal with a cheeky smile on her face.

“I’ll make you regret saying that.”

It was Zoro’s turn to groan.

She tugged at his hand, urging him to continue moving forward into a less crowded spot near the bridge.

“Honestly… I’m looking forward spending this time with you,” she admitted quietly as they stood near the stall that sells tanzaku.

“I know,” he nodded and gazed at her seriously. He reached out to touch the curling wisp of her hair with his fingers. He was right. It was soft. “Me too.”

This one hour spent alone with him is precious for her and it is the same for him. They are still at beginning of their relationship… their friends still doesn’t have any inkling about the change in their status yet.

Nami had the right to be pissed at him earlier because he just wasted some of what was supposedly their time together.

They smiled at each other before Nami gave the sleeve of his yukata a rather hard yank.

“Let’s go Zoro! We still have a lot to do before the others are here.” Her tone immediately turned domineering as she pulled him towards tanzaku stall. “We need to hang our wishes on those bamboos first!”

Zoro just snorted and she grinned back at him.

“And you still have to treat me with some yakitori and candy apples!”

“Hah? Why should I do that?!”

“This is a date Zoro! The guy usually shelves out the cash when you’re out on a date!”

“You witch! You’re just trying to get back at me for being late!”

Nami gave him her most dazzling smile.

“That too… And we still have to check all the stalls with those games. You promised me goldfishes remember?” She pointed at the stall for goldfish scooping.

“I have?”

“Yeah… you did…” Nami glowered at him. “You’re bragging about your scooping skills the other day. And we made a bet on how many you’ll really be able to catch.”

Zoro laughed. That they did. “Fine, I’ll catch you some alright?” He conceded and gave her a soft smile that made Nami melt on the spot.

He reached for her hand again as she lead them towards their first agenda for the night.

They still have half an hour to enjoy their date without their cheeky friends intruding. Well… if worst comes to worst… he and Nami can just sneak away from them to enjoy the fireworks and the rest of the festival together.

#zoro x nami #ZoNa #zonami #zonalove #zona fanfiction #zona one-shots #zona prompt requests #zoro nami fanfiction #roronoa zoro #nami

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mycupoffanfiction · 4 years ago

Text

I Promise

Draco x Reader

Summary: Draco says something hurtful about the girl he loves to keep appearances up and immediately regrets what he’s done.

Warnings: Angst, use of ‘mudblood’ (Reader is only speculated to be a muggleborn, it’s not specifically said if the Reader is or isn’t), secret friendship, some sweet making out with Draco.

Word count: Approx 1000

Masterlist

A/N: Hi my loves! I hope you enjoy this little Draco fic! This was requested by @kitkatd7, I hope you enjoy it 💖

Please note, this is my first time posting for Draco, please tell me if this is terrible or super OOC 😅

A cold draft sent a shiver through you, but there was warmth against you, in front of you, hands holding your shoulders in an effort to keep your attention, eyes saddened and panicked as he rushed to talk and it was possibly the most panicked and afraid you had ever seen Draco Malfoy.

“Bloody hell, you have to believe me, I am so sorry.” The Slytherin urged, his grip on your shoulders tightening, the pair of your squeezed into a small alcove that he had tugged you into.

Months of friendship with blurred lines between friends and something more, albeit hidden friendship and he had managed to mess it all up in one fell swoop. “Draco, you called me a mudblood to my face to appease your friends.” You hissed at him, your voice laced with hurt. Surely being as close as you were would mean more to him than hiding you away and saving face to his group of Slytherins, but now you weren’t sure that you had been that important to him if it was so easy for him to say something so horrible to you.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gone along with it, I should have protected you.” Draco replied, you could tell he was disappointed in himself, you could feel how angry and upset he was in his voice. Tears threatened to spill, breathing becoming difficult to keep calm as you looked up at him, frustrated, hurt, heartbroken.

It wasn’t just the fact that you were his friend and he’d hurt you. For the longest time, you had a crush on Draco and for years you bottled it up and shoved it as far away from yourself as you could. Draco’s reputation left him difficult to approach and befriend. But he had surprised you months ago when you had been paired up with him on a class project that you would have to work on out of class hours together. Instead of being unpleasant and short tempered, Draco was relatively quiet around you. That was, until near the end of your project together that he began to talk to you and you realised just how sweet and friendly he could be when he was by himself.

“I didn’t realise Pansy was talking about you, she just kept bloody talking and I drowned most of it out until she asked me if I thought someone was a- a- you know.” Draco explained. Truthfully, you knew he hadn’t really meant it, you knew he would never have called you that if he had been paying attention and it was just terrible luck that you happened to be within earshot of the entire conversation. As soon as the words had left his mouth, Draco had caught sight of you. A saddened, hurt expression on your features and he felt cold dread and guilt twist in his stomach at the realisation of what he had done.

Letting out a sigh, you looked up at him, your eyes meeting his as a couple of tears rolled down your cheeks, but you took in a deep breath and blinked them back. “I’m such a bloody git.” Draco shook his head, hesitantly reaching up, using his thumbs to gently wipe away your tears. Slowly, you gripped his wrist, subtly leaning into his touch, Draco’s fingers smoothing against your soft skin. “I know you didn’t mean it.”

“I promise, I’ll never do that again, I’ll never let anyone speak about you like that again.” Draco’s voice dropped a little, so that it was barely above a whisper.

You could feel the sincerity in his voice and while you were still hurt by his words, you knew he never would have done it on purpose. He never would have tried to hurt you.

“How can I make it better?” Draco asked, his thumb gently caressing your cheek. Reaching down, you took his free hand into yours, squeezing gently, the Slytherin intertwining his fingers with yours. You didn’t know how to respond, the only thing circling in your mind was how intimate this all felt. Being so close to Draco in such a small alcove had your heart racing and he drew closer letting you lean into him.

Leaning in, his lips brushed against yours for a moment, your eyes sliding closed at the contact. Draco captured you in a sweet kiss, his gentle movements against your lips made your movement stutter for a second before you kissed him back. Slowly, you smoothed your hands over his robes, bringing them up to rest on his shoulders as he kissed you, pressing you gently against the stone wall behind you, the soft whimper that left your lips only spurring him on.

“I promise, I’ll never hurt you again.” Draco whispered against you before kissing you with a new heated passion, a hum rolling through him when he felt you lean further against his chest, your hands meeting at the nape of his neck, fingers sliding into his ashen blonde hair.

Pausing, you pulled away, just enough to look up at him. “I don’t want to be a secret.” You spoke quietly. Draco’s lips brushing against yours, craving your touch. “I promise, love, you won’t be.” He murmured, letting you lean back into him, your lips meeting and moving against his with a hunger, but there was a loving tenderness to the kiss.

Draco kissed you sweetly before pulling away, his hands settling at your waist, his eyes meeting yours with a soft gaze. “You’re making an awful lot of promises, Draco.” You said, half teasing, but he could sense some of the seriousness you held in your tone. He had promised a lot, but he’d keep all of them, Draco was sure of that. And you knew he wouldn’t break those promises too, you knew he would keep them close to heart.

With a soft, lopsided smile, he leaned in to kiss you again, lips pausing before he continued.

“I’ll always keep them.”

Permanent Taglist (OPEN):

@scuzmunkie @scarlett-berserker @wendaiii @megantje123 @sideeffectsofyou @veganfangirl5 @loving-life-my-way @southernbell91 @searching-for-neverland @book-dragon-13 @mushyjellybeans @yougottakeeponkeepinon @littlegangrel @badboysdoitbetter2 @brat-in-a-teacup @shadycupcakefox @psychiccreationtaco @aikeia @tony-stank3

#draco x reader #draco x you #draco x y/n #draco malfoy x you #draco malfoy #draco #draco fanfiction #draco fic #harry potter #harry potter fic #hogwarts #hogwarts fic

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letitrainathousandflames · 4 years ago

Note

Hiya! I’ve seen you talking about ao3 a lot and up until recently I agreed with many of the posts you’ve been reblogging, but I think you have a little bit of a misinterpretation about why people r presently pissed off at ao3?

Sure, many people (perhaps even most) are angry for the usual puritanical reasons that you’ve been discussing, and I agree that for the most part fiction is fiction and idc what anyone does so long as I can filter it all out. You do you and all that.

But the most recent swell of criticism is bc ao3 has refused to take down rpf (real person fic) smut of minors—not fictional characters, real life children who happen to be particularly popular right now. The specific fic that spawned recent outrage is about a minecraft YouTuber/Twitch streamer who’s 16 years old, but obviously there’s many more which include his friends and other similar instances of rpf involving children.

I don’t think it’s a slippery slope to set the boundary at “don’t write about actual living children fucking” and to pretend as if this criticism of ao3 is equivalent those who want to wipe out all taboo topics or troubling fics involving fictional characters is just absurd. These are real people, real children, who are directly affected by people sexualizing them, especially if it’s left unchecked and allowed to happen more and more.

I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. Again, if this were just the same fandom bullshit over again, I’d fully agree with your opinion; I’m telling you this in the hopes of informing you more about the situation.

Ohh I didn’t know about this particular bit. First of all, let me just make it clear - that’s the most disgusting shit I’ve ever read - and I’m a die-hard “let people ship what they want” person. This sheds a new light on the whole thing.

Personally, i never liked the concept of real person fic. I see a lot of fics about bands like Rammstein where the members hook up and whatnot just as characters in fic do and not only it is not my cup of tea, it actually squicks me.

I wasn’t part of the Dan and Phil fandom generation but i do remember hearing about them being super uncomfortable with people shipping them, as I would be if I were a vlogging with my friend and people suddenly started writing stories about us falling in love/kissing/having sex ect etc.

The thing is, I don’t know if messing with the tags is even an effective form of protest - Ao3 already had a nearly finished, now released new skin that hides excessive tags. Anyway, that’s not the point.

It’s a complex situation. Older fandom people remember and dread events like the strikethrough - tons of stories lost forever because the “think of the children” crowd didn’t want anyone reading or writing smut fics about anne rice’s vampires or something, mainly driven by homophobia.

The Ao3 was built to be a space safe from censorship, and I, as an author of themes such as torture, abuse, gore, etc, am glad that my work won’t be suddenly pulled out thanks to their team of lawyers and their flexible terms of use. I believe that their issue with censoring these works is falling into a slippery slope of “ok so if you blocked rpf now you have to ban other ‘wrong’ content such as noncon/dubcon, abusive relationships, etc etc.” and then suddenly you can’t write anakin/padmé content anymore no matter how OOC bc he choked her to death in canon.

I have no answers for this particular conundrum. Like, me, personally, I would ban rpf. It’s in poor taste and there are actual living, breathing people whose lives could be affected by that. If I found a fic where someone had written my bff and I having raunchy, explicit sex, I would feel awkward being around them.

The whole ship-and-let-ship policy means - at least to me - “let people write what they want, these fictional characters are fictional and therefore they don’t care” and that argument just doesn’t hold up when it comes to rpf.

TL;DR (bullet points for easier reading):

Real Person Fiction is objectively harmful, character fanfic isn’t.

Yes, I get that being traumatized makes one want to write dark shit to process their pain. Been there, done - and still do - that. BUT if I write the billionth fic of Bucky Barnes getting tortured/maimed/raped there isn’t a real life Bucky who’s gonna read it and be grossed out of his mind or possibly traumatized. Thats the difference between fic and rpf

I don’t think fucking with the tags is an effective form of protest. No, I don’t know what is, but i have a few thoughts:

Maybe not giving reads, kudos or comments to this kind of fic is a start. Reporting these fics upon finding them outside of Ao3 (i.e: on twitter), too.

Report any and all attempts to send these fics to the kids themselves, they shouldn’t have to see/deal with this crap (seriously, have y’all learned nothing from the whole avengers mess, where ppl would send graphic porn art to the actors??), don’t do that shit! Aside from being abusive and gross, that’s a whole ass fucking CRIME. These are kids!!!

I guess it’s more or less this. I hope this gets sorted out soon. As I say, I would rather if Ao3 just removed the rpf option of their website. After all fanFICTION is supposed to be written about... well, fiction. Not real people, much less children. Yikes.

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vierafication · 4 years ago

Text

Last night around 4 am, I reblogged a certain post about "villainous rp" and added my own two cents to what had been discussed within it- mostly just venting about behavior I'd seen in the past. I didn't think much of it until I saw the next day it had been reblogged, and reblogged again, and again, by some folks who seemed pretty unhappy about what I'd said. I was told I needed to get a life, that I clearly can't separate IC and OOC, that maybe I shouldn't be writing at all. That hurt. I was irritated, then, feeling like I'd had words shoved in my mouth, like I was being purposefully misinterpreted. I typed up a clarification post explaining my previous points and pressed send, but it was seemingly ignored.

I talked with @damankjol about it later. He's the best, if you didn't know. And he rp's villains! I don't think he's a sociopath! He's very empathic and honest and understanding and cool, and he helped me realize that people weren't just angry at me, they were genuinely hurt by what I'd written. I went back and reread what I posted, as well as the responses, with a more critical eye. And... yeah. What I typed up wasn't clean, organized, or coordinated. I was venting and the tone that came off was irritated and rude. While not my intention, what I wrote sounded pretty fucking disrespectful and downright mean. And, frankly, my intentions don't matter, anyway, since I wasn't able to convey them properly. I just put some angry bullshit up on tumblr way too late at night, and I didn't expect anybody to even look at it, let alone reblog it- but I should have. Tumblr is a public platform and I should have approached my post the same way I'd approach any other one during the normal hours of the day. Thinking critically is always key, but audience is too- a vent post is a vent post, but I should have thought before I vented about a topic other people were sensitive to, and properly indicate specifics instead of vague generalizations. So, yes, I really wanted to apologize to anyone who that post hurt. I’m genuinely sorry. I should not have generalized like that. It wasn't even my intention in the first place. I was disrespectful and now that I think about it, incredibly hypocritical to boot. So yeah. I really am sorry. I respect @damankjol and @miqojak a lot as writers, and it would never be my intention to tear them down. Or anybody else, for that matter- rp only works when you rp with others, after all.

Once again, I'm sorry, and I hope you won't hate me for eternity or anything. Storytime and critical analysis under the cut.

One of my first, and worst, experiences in the ffxiv rp community was a good couple years ago. I was describing my character to a “friend,” and that character happened to be Lionnet Blodoint, my Ishgardian chirurgeon. Lionnet was not a good person by a long shot, to begin with, and from his time serving during the Dragonsong War, he’d developed quite a bit of PTSD relating to any and all things draconic. He hated dragons. He didn’t even like Au Ra. “Wow,” said the so-called friend at the time. “Your character is a nazi.”

“What? No!” I exclaimed. I tried to explain that he was NOT a nazi, he was just a traditionalist Ishgardian who hated dragons because they had been, at one point in time, absolutely hell-bent on destroying his home and everything he knew. I thought it was a pretty reasonable character trait to hate, or at least fear, dragons after serving in the Dragonsong War. The core of how I’d planned to develop him would be overcoming or at least coming to terms with his trauma, and no longer seeing it in every dragon or Au Ra he met. “No,” they said. “Your character is terribly written. They’re awful and nobody would ever want to rp with them. They’re boring because they’re so full of negative traits. They’re racist and thus, a nazi. And you are just as bad, because you’re defending them! You’re a nazi too!”

So yeah, they are NOT my friend anymore. But that whole convo really stuck with me, and I was afraid to bring out Lio afterwards- it took me another year before I actually began to use him in rp. And he turned out wonderful! His story became one of my favorite rp character stories of all time, and he had great relationship development and a happy ending. He’s still around, canonically, but I have a different main toon now.

So it shocks me that what that person told me about Lio is more or less the same as what I wrote in that post. I’m honestly dumbfounded at how I could just casually type that up and post it, when it draws so many parallels to the way I was bullied back then. So yeah. Huge hypocrisy right there. I swore to never act like that. And to an extent, I suppose I have. But that post I made was pretty fucking close- just directed at a vaguely generalized audience instead of a singular person and character. Maybe that’s actually worse. And I am sorry. I guess because it wasn’t directed at anyone but the void (even the op’s url doesn’t exist anymore), I just didn’t think about it. Which sounds like a lame-ass excuse, but... it’s true. I just wasn’t thinking. I was just venting. It’s really fucking with me that I could’ve hurt somebody so much completely unintentionally, to be honest.

So, what did I say- or, to be more clear, what was I attempting to say? What was my intention, and what wasn’t? I’m going to go over that now, more for my benefit than anyone else’s. Please note that I am not trying to make excuses or shove any blame elsewhere. I am just trying to clarify what I meant and address the issues that made my post so negative, for my own sake.

To begin, I’m gonna link this post by @lilac-memorials. It goes into detail about the trouble with “villain” discourse, and addresses a number of issues from a much more unbiased standpoint, far more eloquently than I could. Also, it seems to reference (the worse) parts of my posts at some points, or maybe I’m just paranoid. Regardless, it’s a much better post than the trainwreck that was the original one, and I agree with every bit of it. It also addresses the difference between a “villain” and an “antagonist,” which is something I attempted to go into but failed miserably.

Anyhoo. My post began with this paragraph:

Seriously. I do not trust anyone who refers to themselves as a “villain” rper. A character can take an antagonistic role in another character’s story arc, that’s fine, that works. It goes back to the “everyone is the hero of their own story” sorta thing. But playing a villain, only as a villain… what’s the point in that? It’s just someone roleplaying as an evil asshole that expects to be treated as stronger than other characters, expects to be feared. It reads like some twisted power fantasy. It doesn’t sound fun and it sure isn’t fun for the people rping with you. Like dude, calm down.

To begin with, yes, I am indeed a little distrustful of people who label their characters first and foremost as villains, before anything else. I am more suspicious of engaging in rp with them than I am with other types of characters, because I have seen some pretty crappy villains out and about and I just don’t wanna deal with that. Next, I go on to try to draw the line between a villain and an antagonist, and how I am much less suspicious of “antagonistic” characters than straight-up “villain” characters. “But playing a villain, only as a villain... what’s the point in that?” I ask. Very rudely. Insinuating that their is no point whatsoever in playing a villain. Which I didn’t intend to. But honestly, I don’t know how else that would’ve translated- I don’t know what I was thinking. I go on to describe this “villain” as somebody who is an evil asshole with a power fantasy, and how it ruins fun for anybody. Which can be read very easily as saying “all villains are like this.” No, they are not! I was describing the bad type of villain rper. The rper who “plays a villain, only as a villain,” and not as a character. Do you get what I mean now? The controlling, toxic, power-hungry rper that plays a villain as an outlet to be further controlling, toxic, and power-hungry, moreso than they ever could in reality. We all know that type of person exists. We’ve met them, somewhere. Sometimes they aren’t playing the villain at all, anyway. They’re playing the hero, or somebody else entirely. But here, I am just venting about that type of person. They are what my post is about. The key line should’ve been “playing a villain, only as a villain,” but it was shoved into a passive-aggressive question addressing self-worth instead of a proper sentence describing the difference between a well-written villain and a badly-written villain. And thus the post begins as if it had been rudely addressed to all villain rpers everywhere, labeling them as the evil asshole with a power fantasy, instead.

Next is: Anyway hot take but maybe the reason people kept trying to “redeem” and “change” OP’s character is because their character is boring af!

Yeahhhh, that one’s just mean. And, given the first paragraph, easily able to seen as an attack saying that if you are a villain rper, your character is boring af. They’re not! The op’s post is a little much, to be honest, and I guess I thought I was feeling spicy at 4 am. Now I think I must’ve just been being mean. Aurelia explains what’s wrong with the initial post here, though, instead of trying and failing to poke fun at it in that special pseudo-mean tumblr way like I did.

Lastly, Like, honestly! Play a character as a foil to another, play to fucked up ideas about morality, play an antagonist arc to a protagonist character, play a character who makes bad decisions. But don’t play a “villain.” Don’t play a character whose core personality traits are simply being cruel/evil. Don’t play a character whose sole focus is to kill npcs, be scary, and lord over other players’ characters. Don’t play a character who never develops or changes, and doesn’t facilitate change in other characters. Just don’t be an asshole edgelord. Don’t be flat and one dimensional. Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead.

Honestly, I think this is the most clear part of my entire post, and also the worst, at the end there. I just am listing off behaviors that this figurative “bad villain rper” exhibits, and what offsets them. Play a villain that’s complex, had depth, nuance! I’m saying don’t play the “villain,” and then listing off what this specific hypothetical villain is. The opposite of deep and nuanced. The “bad villain rper” type the whole post is a vent about.

Then comes the dreaded “ Don’t use rp to live out your fucked up power fantasy. Get therapy instead. “ The villainous power fantasy. No, I do not think everyone who rp’s villains is like this. Yes, I believe there are people like this, who are INCREDIBLY few and far between, and if they solely use rp as an outlet to harass others both ICly and OOCly, that is bad! And maybe they should get help! And even, then, that was only half-serious! But therapy is a serious subject and I should have known better, and done better. Did all of that come off as intended? Hell no! Instead, it was the final nail in the coffin.

So! That’s what I was trying to say. Badly-written villains are a pain. If I had written up a post like I am now, with this long-ass thing, actually trying to be eloquent and clear. Not 4 am word vomit. This 4 am word vomit instead has gotten me to be read and interpreted as:

-being completely unable to separate character and player to the point where i think every villain’s player is a Real Life Bad Person and/or needs mental help

-saying all villains are boring because they’re not heroes, and thus are incapable of being complex and nuanced

-saying people who play dark/antagonistic characters are, in general, living out their fucked up power fantasy through them

-thinking that villainous characters are incredibly boring and just plain terrible

No! None of that is what I think! Absolutely none! I’m not going to go in and refute each of those claims, because, like I said, I’m not trying to make excuses here. But I WILL end this thing with what I do think of villainous characters and their players:

They’re fucking great, okay? A good story is made a gazillion times better by having a good villain in it, be the story a book, a movie, or an rp scenario. Well-written villain rpers are a TREASURE, and need to be appreciated! It is often harder to find rp with antagonistic toons, to begin with, and their players may find themselves getting shit on more often than others, which should absolutely not be the case. Characters that are complex and deep and nuanced are great no matter what their alignment is.

There ARE some pretty shitty villain rpers out there, too. And, in my own personal experience, they tend to be much more obnoxious than shitty hero rpers. A badly written hero will ruin a villain’s rp. A badly written villain may well try to ruin everybody around them’s rp.

Badly written villains suck. They’re the worst. And they make things worse for those that dedicate a lot of time and effort to crafting complex and cleverly written, compelling villains! Badly written villains are something I can and will complain about, just as well-written villains are something that I can and will praise. But I’ll try not to complain or vent on this platform anymore, to start.

And I do NOT blend IC and OOC. That’s the rper’s taboo! I will critique others who do it, though, which ironically is what I was sort of trying to do- complain about those specific villain players who do that. But anyway. If you’ve read this far, good for you! This has been way too long.

And. Please. If I do say or do something that hurts you in the future, regardless of what type of post it is, talk to me! Tell me what’s up! Thank you!

#THIS IS A LONG ASS POST U HAVE BEEN WARNED #u dont need to read all of the rest if u dont want to #in fact u dont need to read it at all if u don't know what post im referring to anyway

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wisdomsfromeast · 5 years ago

Text

Namaste 🙏

Welcome back guys! I was literally out for 2 months searching Fanfics which can compete my or replace my Azuko ship for the reasons I will tell you. Firstly some part of my morality and culture etiquette where I live in and traditions which are dear to me were heavily conflicting in my mind that should I support this Incest shipping or not. Some said should and other said shouldn't. The other one overwhelmed plus having a sibling elder sister made me more conflicted that how could I? it's so taboo? If I write one what my public image would be? So I stopped supporting Zucest uninstalled the app and started searching good Fanfics of Other shipping which can counter Azuko. I literally read 5 to 7 fanfics a day just to have Zuko or Azula have peace in their life with their partners and you know what I got unnatural hatred or bashing of either Sibs which made either of their life miserable which I hated the most. Zuko centric ones got Azula either dead or made her total maniac. Azula centric ones made Zuko's future miserable or nearly made him small as if he was weak and Idiot from birth and Ozai was right. So let's start with shippings with their fanfics which could have countered Azuko

Zutara

The most celebrated pairing will ever find in ATLA fandom. Every day you will find thousands of writers write for this pair in FF.NET . Even though I hated this pair so much because of three main reasons. First Mutual distrust from the beginning. Second Opposite mindset. Third Impatient Katara.

I gave in through I read one of the best ones My Heart Burns for you

Sometimes it's just only beginning

Around the Sun

Fall of the White Lotus

AU ones like The Undying Fire Series

The Palace etc.

All of these are literally lack the most important thing attraction through sight even though writers force it its still not appealing. The dangerous thing which writers miss is suspicion my lord even though they are friends and Zuko sacrifice everything for stubborn Katara she always suspects and can't even read him. Zutara whatever you call it. It's failed creation just to feel love life for Zuko.

Sokkla

Reverse Zutara really. Sokka has brains and can control strong girls like Toph and Mai but Azula is too much for him to bear I series he outright fear her. Only in The Day of The Black Sun episode had some courage because she didn't had her bending when she got back he screams literally screams. I read

Gladiator 107 chapters

Airship Down with its sequel

Retroactive

Smoke Demon Series of MadameAtomic Bomb

Opposite Elements AU

Gentlemen of Weapons AU

Dishonoured

These are the best ones but what found the worst is they are not at all commited to each other especially Sokka is shown so reluctant and Azula is as casual as Ty Lee which both of them aren't. Sokka either cheats or leads himself in love triangle which I hate the most because one of the life either gets destroyed or damage.

Maiko

The worst one for me I really feel sorry for Mai but she should have encourage herself to be with Zuko in his childhood days if Zuko could have spoke in War room out of turn she could have been with him in banishment. She could have shown the courage which she have show in Boiling Rock I liked that. Zuko could have known more If Mai led herself open up more. Zuko even left her this show only one side love or to say infatuation Zuko is so cold in Maiko which he isn't. Even though few writers really focus them like.

Miscalculation and Equivalent Exchange by Ablaster86 (I read them)

They are literally used as side couple for Tyzula or Kataang which doesn't show how their relationship can develop and become one. Either their Marriage fails or they breakup which hurts me the most.

Tyzula

Yes most popular even though why I don't know. No Offence to LGBT community neither in the show both of them are shown homosexuals Ty Lee is flirty with cute boys as she claims and Azula is bitchy and frustrated that how boys hover around Ty Lee not me even though she so beautiful as jewel but boys fear her. No signs of romantic feelings for each other rather Ty Lee is bullied by Azula every time as a servant to keep her under her feet. Dominant love relationships exists I like those but Azula and Ty Lee's relationship is like Lion and Cheetah. Once got a chance strike back and free yourself. Just because Korrasami was promoted by creators bring Tyzula in counter. Just because Zuko has Mai and boys fear Azula bring Ty Lee with her who is most terrified from her. Somehow I read some

Restraint and Aphelion it's sequel

Broken Dragon and Fireflight by Nikipinz

Both in them Ty Lee acts like a friend in need but again Ty Lee is OOC a girl who freed herself from a Psychotic girl may help her in future but not sacrifice herself for friend she hated inwardly.

Zukka

Really they are Bros and thanks to Zuko he got his trust from a guy called him in names Angry Jerkbender before.

Jetko

Seriously I don't get just pair Zuko with everyone. I read

Foxfire and The Viper lizard tales

I couldn't get it what those writers wrote. How could Jet tolerate Firebenders or Fire Nation citizens. It will require whole character arc for Jet to understand Fire Nation like Zhao to believe in balance and harmony amongst nations in Rufftoon's Water Tribe.

Jetzula

The Palace

Again you know it will so hard for Azula even redeem one to have a peasant as a partner for life same goes to Jet to accept a Firebender.

Zukkaang

To much 😧😧 Zuko and Aang are friends please for God's sake bring characters those are ingrained with same sex attraction. I can't stand this ship didn't even bother to read any of its fanfics.

Azutara

Enemies till last breath and one killed one's last hope. One lost by one in her day of coronation anytime each see one another either of one will die. This pairing can't be supported because each caused huge pain which can't be relieved they can be distant friends but can't lovers. Even though I read one

Measure Each Step to Infinity

This one made me sad of Aang and Katara is too much selfish which she isn't. She likes to be concubine of her former enemy but hates to like live with a man whom she had all hopes of world peace and gave her life to save him. This is impossible! Writer didn't gave good reasons sudden changes.

Toko

This is a very interesting pairing Toph knows Zuko very well and in future they can understand each other as couple but one flaw which only limits them just to be friends is that Toph is a freedom loving girl and Zuko is honour bound to traditions and destined to be a good Fire Lord.

Embers

Lava and it's sequel

Just a Girl I recommend this one

Toph made Zuko to come out of his turmoil and become a master I just didn't like Azula being killed that was extreme.

Jinko

I read Ashes to Ashes but Zuko and Jin again I must say infatuation from Jin side. Zuko is really dork.

Zuki

Lost cause what can I say just to counter Zucest these ships are being made

Lost and Found by Tubendo

Addicted to Love

First one writer didn't knew when to start where both start to like each other. Second is just nonsense a Lord of a Nation started having crush on a Guard who has a love in her life more stronger than other's attraction come on Zuko isn't that kind of guy.

Ty luko

"I know you" "You don't know me" Those are heavy words Ty Lee used for Zuko she knows his depression and messed up life give by his parents. Even though show doesn't show any direct interaction between them except "I know you" Zuko acts as a moral support for Ty Lee. Boiling Rock is another big example Zuko's freedom gave Ty Lee hope to be free.

I know you

Good Fanfic I recommend.

One remained (Azulaang) I will give my detail analysis of mine in a next post because I read 10 of them and it's huge and I am not satisfied.

After whole lot of reading, self introspection and guidance from which I believe Scriptures. I literally fought a battle inside me and tried to find out which will win and Honestly Zucest won seriously just because it was incest I dropped it by societal norms. I was writing a Fic but stopped because what people will say? Crazy, deranged? But I can't resist it's too hot for them to be siblings and not to be intimate other wise I find that if they really wished to repair their relationship stop their all hatred of all those years they need love which will break those barriers and too much love always brings eros. So what's the big deal.

The Fire Royals allow Females to be Fire Lords so how come line continues if Female becomes Firelord and marries a noble even a sage which are below the rank. Household norms in every medieval culture is patriarchal. Which means child first belongs to man and to his family which results child to be a noble and not royal from his mother's line and that child will become the Fire Lord from that line of Family and the Royal line will end. Could it be possible for Princesses of Fire Nation got married with nobles or aristocrats and not to loose their claims to the throne are the Fire Royals that stupid that this will end their line if their females get the throne. Inbreeding is persistent among royals only just keep their divine status

As Azula says "Power is something you are born with" will her child get that power if she marry noble which are below the rank. Big No

Wisdomsfromeast

Timeout !!!

#Welcome Back

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pansyaparkinson · 5 years ago

Photo

Under the cut is a formatted version of Pansy’s application, since Tumblr has decided to be mean (once again):

OOC

Name: Karli

Age: 29

Pronouns: She/Her

Timezone: CST

Writing Sample: Please provide a link to some writing. This does not have to be from a roleplay specifically, though it is preferred.

Ships: Pansy/Chemistry is ultimately the most important thing to me. I have this weird soft spot for Pansy/Goyle after some chemistry I had with a Goyle when I played Pansy in another rpg and I’ve shipped them ever since! But it’s not something I would need to have. Mostly, I’m excited to play her coming back to Britain and reconnecting with all the folks from her past!

Anything else?: Pansy’s favorite color is red (despite the - ugh - Gryffindor colors!) and she often sports a crisp, pristine red lip that almost looks like blood.

IC - Overview

Full name: Pansy Auria Parkinson (Delvaux) - Pansy managed to keep her surname under the pretenses of her career, having been known within her line as a Parkinson. She uses Parkinson for her professional and personal life - but will call herself a Delvaux if it helps her get ahead or in polite French company.

Age: 40 (31 December 1979) - Yes, she throws the most extravagant New Year’s Eve parties in celebration of her birthday.

Gender: Cis-female (she/her)

Sexuality: Heterosexual. Pansy will be the first one to tell you that she likes cock. But only when that cock does whatever she wants. She’s not necessarily homophobic in the “normal” sense where she really cares who is fucking who - but she definitely makes homophobic jokes sometimes and, even if she loves you (looking at you, Draco!), you can’t escape her rolling her eyes a bit whenever the topic of sexuality comes up. She’s definitely going to hit you where it hurts if she’s angry.

Blood status: Pureblood

Former Hogwarts House: Slytherin

Occupation: Designer for Twilfitt and Tatting's

The shoppe, Twilfiit and Tatting’s, has been owned by the Parkinsons for generations. The oldest son, Malcolm, Pansy’s father, had inherited the business from his father. Malcolm, however, had plans far greater than his father could have dreamed. While Twilfitt and Tatting’s location in Diagon Alley brought enough money in to sustain the family fortune, Malcolm wanted to expand.

Throughout Pansy’s childhood, he was in constant discussion with other businessmen to open new locations throughout various places in Europe. It took a lot of time away from his family, but tripled their income and made Twilfitt and Tatting’s the place to get high end robes, clothing, and accessories.

Pansy started scribbling designs for new outfits when she was young, but her father would not take them seriously until after graduation, when he finally allowed her visions to become a reality. The Auria line (named for Pansy’s middle name) became the fastest-selling line Twilfitt had ever seen.

But it wasn’t enough. While her father was never a Death Eater - much too busy being successful to follow a man with no fashion sense at all! - he did a lot of his business with people who were. As those wizards and witches were caught and sent to Azkaban for Voldemort-supporting acts after the war, Malcolm’s businesses began to fail.

The Parkinson’s were losing money fast at that time - something they’d mainly been able to keep from the public eye - and Pansy had to step up and find a rich man to marry in order to help the business stay afloat. Pansy’s mother, Cordelia, did not want to fall from grace like those Malfoy’s, after all.

Pansy did manage to do just that - find a man, save the company, and is now the leading designer within the multiple Twilfitt establishments. Her line is sleek and expensive, mainly geared towards fashionable and rich witches. (Link to some of the clothing will be posted below within the “extra” section). She’s very happy with her career… but it came at what costs?

Marital Status: Widowed.

Pansy met Armand Delvaux when she was just twenty-three years old on a trip to the shoppe in Paris, which had been doing rather well until the fall of Voldemort. On their last bit of finances, the ability to keep the fact that the Parkinsons were actually broke was becoming harder and harder to manage. Meeting Armand had been a gift from Merlin itself, it seemed. Rich he was, though not so handsome, he was forty-two years Pansy’s senior and had lost his original wife in an unfortunate potions accident when the woman was rather young.

Pansy had gotten to work quickly, making herself known as available (though not too available) and Armand had fallen for her even before her knees hit the ground. Honestly, those Gryffindors complaining about torture under the Carrows know nothing until they’ve stuck a wrinkly penis in their mouth to save the family.

They were married within just four months of meeting one another, something his grown children (there are three of them, two daughters and a son - the middle one the same age as Pansy herself) were very vocal about not being in agreement with. While Pansy lived her life with her husband without loving him, she did love what he had to offer her. The funding for Twilfitt went back up - the Paris shoppe suddenly bloomed - and they were able to expand farther than even her father had expected.

The shoppe is now the leading brand for expensive, designer clothing with Pansy at its helm. When Armand died two years ago - rather young for wizards, but Armand had always been known to experiment with the tobacco he put in that pipe of his and his poor heart suffered - she inherited 85% of his money (despite more protests from her stepchildren, really they’ve been such a pain!). With that money, she purchased a rather loftily flat in England with a direct connection via floo to her estate in Paris. The last two years, she’s split her time between the two, but the excitement of France has recently died down and she’s been spending much more time with old friends in England.

Faceclaim: Katie McGrath (1st choice), Eva Green (2nd choice), Lucy Hale (younger) - I would prefer the Katie/Lucy match, as I feel like they have more similarities and also Katie’s supergirl resources and a few others are TOTALLY Pansy-esque

Summary: A lot of Pansy’s life shortly after the war had been defined by that one moment in the Great Hall - and, really, how unfair was that! She’d only wanted to have her school stay undestroyed and her friends kept safe, after all. The Parkinsons had never chosen a side in the war, safe from any harm regardless of what happened given their pureblooded status. Pansy herself hardly thought about the war at all - and yet, she was being punished publicly for it. While there was no trial or prison for her - the backlash her old classmates gave her for trying to give Potter up to the Dark Lord was enough to make her bristle. That, combined with the Parkinson fortune dwindling, made Pansy run away to Paris to find a rich husband and start a new life. She settled with a man forty-two years older named Armand Delvaux and the failing business her family owned - Twilfitt and Tatting’s - began to thrive again with his money. Pansy herself found passion in fashion designing and her Auria brand is known as one of the leading brands in high-fashion clothing sales. While she spent most of her life after school travelling between Paris and London, she has decided to plant herself anew in the country of old friends and enemies again, now that her dear old husband has died. Many still think of her as that bitch from school and they aren’t wrong… but, cut her some slack, she’s grown up… a little bit.

IC - In Depth

Discussion

I included a lot of this discussion above in places I felt they made most sense, but below is a discussion of various things I have yet to add:

-Pansy is not ashamed of what she did during the war because, quite honestly, she hardly did a thing. She was no Death Eater - there was no Azkaban for her. As far as anyone knows, Pansy is the same person as she always was… but maybe just a bit nicer. Of course, that’s a laugh! She’s playing nice because it’s what this new wobbly feelings world wants her to be. She’s still not going to hold hands with Weasley or tell Granger she’s pretty or something insane like that! She’s got standards. She just might not spike your drink with laxative potion for a laugh anymore… well, not much potion anyway. Potter can miss one day of work for her entertainment.

-Pansy is ambitious. She’s a Slytherin for a reason, after all. She’s a designer (not a shoppe keeper, to anyone who may ask, thank you very much!) and values her work. She spends hours working on new pieces for her Auria line and won’t stop until it’s perfected. Some people think fashion is silly - but Pansy knows the truth. It’s an art form. Some wizards have just yet to discover it.

-Pansy is not nice. While she can play at it with a smile when she has to, she’s not above backhanded compliments and manipulation. She’s such a gossip and shouldn’t be trusted with any secret. Who’s dating who (or who’s fucking who, more like it) will be spread like Fiendfyre… whoops, don’t mention that word in front of poor Draco and Gregory… they get a bit sensitive. Pansy “forgot.”

-Perhaps the most curious thing about Pansy is that she both cares and doesn’t care about what other people think about her. It’s why she’s so mean - it’s easier to be the one on top putting everyone else down than have it possibly happen to her. When someone brings up her betrayal of Potter before the final battle, Pansy pretends to easily shrug it off with a perfectly presented insult and a roll of the eyes. But, the truth is, there’s a reason she uses make up potions and wears nice clothes and keeps all the flyaways out of her hair… the better she looks, the less fodder everyone else has for the fire.

-While there was no actual punishment for Pansy after the war, given she never fought for any side, the way those old classmates of hers viewed her after the stunt in the Great Hall was punishment enough. They looked down on her, something that brought up a whole lot of insecurity for her in a way she hated. It was enough to push her to France, agreeing to look after the shoppe there, and allowed her to settle into security with a husband she didn’t love.

-In fact, she did not love Armand at all - even for a second. While Armand was kind to her in some respects, he also very much underestimated her. Kept her out of the discussions when Twilfitt went into business with the Delvaux Company. She could play at her “little designs”, but could not truly take over the business, despite the fact that her line made the business the most money out of anything else they sold. In Armand’s mind, business was no place for a woman, something Pansy was unabashedly in disagreement with.

-Pureblood families - particularly families from higher society - have always stressed reproduction. While marriages are ideally full of love and children, creating an heir has always been the higher standard within the society that Pansy grew up in. She was supposed to get pregnant - supposed to have children and carry on the bloodline, despite any children she may have had not taking on the name Parkinson. That didn’t happen. In the end, it was discovered after trips to several different healers that Pansy could not, in fact, have biological children. Armand was alright with it, as he had three other children to carry on his name, including a son. Pansy could’ve considered adoption - she could’ve considered surrogacy. Instead, she decided that her life would be devoted to her career. She never truly liked children, anyway - just thought becoming a mother was what was expected of a young woman like her. In the end, she has found she feels very fulfilled. She’s usually very happy with her choice, but that doesn’t stop from the occasional pang of resentment and sadness whenever she sees old friends and acquaintances with their growing families.

-Despite what many believe, Pansy does love her friends. Draco is an actual treasure! Even if she is mortified by the way she threw herself at a gay man once upon a time. She very much values his friendship and has spent many visits to England with him. Daphne, too, is practically her soulmate. Pansy adores the woman who has been friends with her since Hogwarts. While Daphne’s status from Spindrift Lane meant she was more easily manipulated, Pansy loves that in a friend. She’s always been Queen Bee, after all.

-But just because she loves you doesn’t mean you’re safe. She’s mean whenever she wants to be - nice whenever it serves her. She might order her friends around sometimes and give backhanded compliments (Oh, your skin finally doesn’t look washed out today in that outfit!), but if anyone else tried to do that to someone she cared for, they’d be in for a rude awakening. Just because she can be a bitch doesn’t mean just anyone can talk to her friends like that! Even her own attitude has died down in recent years, as she grew older and things didn’t matter nearly as much. But she’ll still pull out the claws whenever she has to.

-Pansy is mostly in disagreement with Hermione’s Cerberus program. While she agrees that magical people shouldn’t be just going off with Muggles and therefore the Statute of Secrecy is important, she definitely doesn’t like the idea of people trying to watch her all the time. In her eyes, it’s a very prejudiced program. Who are considered the “suspicious ones?” The Slytherins from the war. Even though Pansy herself did not fight in the battle or even pick a side, she knows how people view her. Just because she was a Slytherin doesn’t mean that she’s off experimenting with Dark Magic and absolutely despises how this program will make her and others like her look.

- Pansy isn’t surprised more shit has arrived on that doorstep, but just like in the last war - she has no interest in playing a part (yet).

Plots

-Pansy is back in England now, almost permanently. While she does still visit France periodically, this is the first time she’s been in her home country more often than the other since she was twenty three. Yes, she’s stayed in close contact with her friends… but how will everyone else handle the Ice Bitch being back? She may have grown a bit throughout her time, but would they know it?

-Party on NYE? Pansy’ll throw it, so long as you bring her a gift!

-We have a plethora of Gryffindors and Weasleys and other do-gooders from the war (I play one of them, after all!) on the dash and I wanted to bring in someone who is opposite of Harry and who will give me The fog hardly interests her. Where there’s Hogwarts, there’s trouble. Where there are Weasleys and Potters and all the Gryffindors, there’s trouble.various plots. I’m not against the tension and definitely don’t expect people to just be happy with Pansy, who is rather mean about 70% of the time. I’m all for those interpersonal tension-filled plots.

-While I say Pansy doesn’t want to be part of the war, what I mean is that she’s not ready for it. If this fog business becomes worse - what happens then? She’s an adult now and likely can’t just hide behind not choosing a side. I would love it if she gets sucked into helping, rather than hurting, and is forced to work alongside all these people who probably hate her. If the Order is reestablished, perhaps she can join and be an actual asset. She’s got money - but she also has intel. Just because her husband thought business was no place for a woman didn’t mean Pansy abided by it. She knows more about the people her dad used to do business with than anyone thinks she does. She can be useful to the Order. She doesn’t want Lord Voldemort to come back, after all. He really fucked things up last time!

Extras

The link to Pansy’ pinterest is located below. It includes pictures of the faceclaims and her designs for Twilfitt.

https://www.pinterest.ca/karliandtaylor/pansy-parkinson/

#application #about

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izamthereblliousirken · 5 years ago

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(part one)

[Izam’s sad smile never faltered as he wiped at his eyes. He knew he was being silly. He must have been. And to top it all off, stating how he still wants to care about Zim and look out for him while still holding onto his grudge. How stupid he must look and sound? Izam just shook his head at himself when he started to evaluate his actions. He really has been overly emotional. He must look like a joke right now. Dylan must surely agree. Right?]

Dylan: Izam...you’re not pathetic!

[Izam’s head shot up at the words, not expecting to hear that. He was half expecting Dylan to agree with how weak and pitiful he has been acting. But of course, Dylan once again shows his kind nature. Izam didn’t know why he was so surprised, but he was. He looked at the human with large, confused eyes.]

Izam: Huh? Wh-what?

Dylan: You aren’t pathetic for wanting to care for your brother even after a really bad fight. That just shows how kind and loving you are. You love him, so you want to care for him.

Izam: I don’t understand. I should just hate him. Our relationship was ruined. There is no going back. Shouldn’t I...shouldn’t I just let go already?

Dylan: I don’t know if I have the right answer to that. But...in my opinion, maybe not. Look, I don’t know anything about your brother other than he sounds to be very stubborn.

Izam: Heh, you have noooo idea.

Dylan: Then I guess I hit the nail on the head. So obviously there is some high tension between you two. But maybe what did break between you guys can be repaired. Or at least...made into something new. The very fact you still hold some love and care for him is a good sign.

Izam: I...I guess?

Dylan: Look, I could be dead wrong about this. I’m only going by the little bit of information I have on your brother. In the end, it’s up to you. He may be your brother, but it’s up to you to decide if it’s in your best interest to reform that bond between you two again. If you really love your brother, then maybe just reaching out to him and having a heart to heart is what you both need.

Izam: You think?

Dylan: Maybe. And who knows, maybe he misses you as much as you miss him. Maybe he still loves you the same way he did before the fight.

Izam: I doubt it...The last I saw him he looked so angry at me.

Dylan: Well, I’m no expert, but most people do tend to act differently or say things they don’t mean when they are angry. If you are ever up to it, I say at least try and have a civil conversation with him. If an argument is about to break out, that may be a sign to take a break and walk away for a bit before trying again.

Izam: That’s not a bad idea...maybe I’ll do that.

Dylan: That’s great to hear.

Izam: Thanks Dylan. Again. Seriously, you have been doing too much for me.

Dylan: That’s what friends are for, Izam. And I say we are moving on to a friend level.

Izam: Really?

[Dylan raised a hand up for Izam to shake it.]

Dylan: I’d say so. From now on, let’s consider each other as friends.

[Izam beamed at the word before shaking Dylan’s hand to seal the deal.]

Izam: I’d like that. I’m glad to be your friend. Officially.

[Dylan let out a small laugh that transformed into a yawn.]

Izam: You should sleep. I really kept you up long enough and we both have work tomorrow.

Dylan: I’ll only go to sleep if you promise me are you feeling better.

Izam: Dylan...

Dylan: I mean it. I’ll pull another one of my childhood videos if I have to. I’m sure I have more embarrassing moments of my past to cheer you up.

[Izam burst into a laugh and shook his head.]

Izam: No need. I’m...I’m fine. Really. Actually...talking everything out, especially what I shared about my brother really helped. I told the ones on the other side of the transmitter about some of this too, but talking to you eases me up more. Is that odd?

Dylan: I don’t think so. Makes me happy that I can calm you down so quickly.

Izam: [Izam gave him a smile] You really do.

[Izam stood up and scooped TAF in his arms. When Dylan stood up as well, Izam stood on his tip-toes and gave Dylan a peck on his cheek. The human instantly burst into a deep shade of red, looking at Izam in surprise as the irken pulled back. Izam, who also held a large blush at his actions, gave a sheepish smile at him, ignoring TAF’s shocked and annoyed look.]

Izam: Goodnight Dylan. [He decided to say to break the nervous flutter he was feeling.] I hope you sleep well.

[Dylan stood frozen in place, watching Izam as he smiled one last time to him and then walk down the hall to the guest room. Once he was alone in the living room, Dylan raised a shaking hand to his face, where Izam quickly kissed him. A large, dorky and happy smile spread over his face and he giddily walked to his room and plopping on his bed. He fell asleep almost instantly.]

[Izam did the same when he was back on his bed, TAF shooting him an annoyed look the entire time. But Izam didn’t care. For the first time in a long while, he felt relaxed. A tension that has never really left him since escaping Moo-Ping 10 melting away and all thanks to the kind words and actions of one human.]

---

((ooc: Sorry for no pictures. I was actually working on some for this post, mostly one where Izam pecked Dylan on the cheek, but I ran out of time today and also didn’t have the energy to finish the drawing. So I figured I’d post my first pure text post. At least I think this is the first. I could be wrong, haha.

Also the night is not over for our dear Izam. Asks are still open and more is still to come for Izam and TAF before we move on to the next day. I’m gonna post part two of this probably tomorrow because I didn’t account of my need to sleep hitting me hard all of a sudden haha. But I’ll try to put more energy into that post by drawing out some pictures for you guys. That’s all for today, unfortunately. See you all tomorrow!))

#invader zim #irkensona #ask blog #Izam #Dylan #TAF #Izam the rebellious irken #ask the rebel #invader zim oc #deadlyspacepirateart

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kittyprincessofcats · 6 years ago

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MCU movies ranked by how well-written Loki was

Well, one person did tell me to post them, so here we go. This list ranks the 6 MCU movies Loki appeared in - solely based on how well-written he was. This list disregards how good/bad I thought the movie was otherwise, and also doesn’t factor in how well the story treats the character - it’s based just on how much I agree or disagree with Loki’s characterisation. (In other words if he gets brutally murdered or treated like shit by his family, that doesn’t necessarily mean he himself was ooc.) Also, this is of course just my opinion and very much up for debate :)

This ended up getting kinda long, sorry - I just really like talking about Loki :D

ALSO THIS LIST CONTAINS ENDGAME SPOILERS

6th Place - Thor: Ragnarok

Yeah... Sorry, I know people love this movie, but it really deserves last place on this list. Now, to be fair, I didn’t completely hate how Loki was written here, there definitely were some nice moments (”I’m here”), but overall I felt like the movie played Loki’s trauma for laughs to much, made him the butt of a joke too often and didn’t make him stand up for himself like he did in his previous movies - which is one of the things I liked most about him. I also didn’t like that the movie tried to retcon him into someone who’s been hurting Thor his whole life, or that they made his “redemption” involve forgiving Odin. And even though this movie is praised for its “anti-colonialism” message, it really fails to address that Loki was one of the biggest victims of Asgard’s colonialism and that Odin never really changed his ways after banishing Hela.

And beyond that, I just felt like there was something slightly “off” about how Loki was written here. It was his first time back on the big screen in 5 years, and somehow it just didn’t feel like the same character anymore. Ragnarok was the only movie Loki was in where I went out of the cinema and didn’t feel the need to read tons of fanfic about him. At first I thought it was just because I’d moved on in those 5 years and wasn’t as invested in his character anymore - but then Infinity War happened and (despite killing him off) absolutely nailed Loki’s characterisation and brought my love for him back full force. And that’s when I realized I hadn’t moved on - Ragnarok just hadn’t gotten Loki right.

5th Place - The Avengers

I initially wanted to place this higher, mainly because it’s such an iconic movie (that I really like) and because so many of Loki’s most iconic and well-known lines are from this one. Tom absolutely plays the sassy, charming but vulnerable trickster to perfection here. Then why is is to so low on my list? First of all, because I feel like there was a giant personality shift for Loki between this movie and the first Thor. Loki has previously stated that he never wanted the throne (of Asgard) and now he suddenly tries to conquer earth and we’re not really meant to question it.

Now before you all say it - Yes, I’m aware that Loki was tortured by Thanos between this movie and the last one. And while the movie doesn’t explicitly tell us that, I think between him looking like hell and limping in his first scene and his scene with The Other (”He will make you long for something as sweet as pain”), the implications were clear enough. Plus, there’s the whole revelation that the mind stone influenced his thinking. So yes, I think his personality shift is understandable - BUT I wish the movie itself had made that clearer instead of leaving it to fans to connect the dots and understand why Loki is acting so different now.

And lastly, I don’t like his “mewling q**m” line to Natasha. I think it’s incredibly misogynistic on the writers’ part (ahem... Joss Whedon again), and it’s also incredibly ooc for Loki, who subverts gender roles, is genderfluid himself if we go by the comics, and has always been shown to respect women, especially his mother. So I don’t feel like using gendered insults is something he would do.

4th place - Avengers: Infinity War

Yes, the scene was horrible. Yes, it broke my heart and made me angry at the Russos. No, I don’t have the desire to rewatch it. BUT the one thing I do have to give this movie credit for is absolutely getting Loki’s character right. This was the movie that reawakened my love for Loki after Ragnarok failed to do so. Tom’s acting throughout this scene is brilliant and heart-wrenching and the dialogue features some of my favourite Loki lines. I mean: ”For one thing, I’m not Asgardian - and for another, we have a Hulk.” “The sun will shine on us again.” “You will never be a god.” Loki finally acknowledging himself as “not Asgardian” and “the rightful king of Jotunheim”? Loki repeating “We have a Hulk” - symbolizing that he’s on the same side as the Avengers now? Loki looking his biggest fear in the eye and choosing to sacrifice himself for his brother? GOOD SHIT. That’s some good shit right there!

Even Loki attacking Thanos with a butter knife isn’t necessarily ooc - He didn’t do it because he thought it would work, he was simply out of ideas and decided to distract Thanos and save Thor. He knew he would die. And if you tell me that wasn’t absolutely heroic then I don’t know what is. Though I do agree that the writers (not just of this movie, but of all of them) seem to have forgotten all the powers Loki is supposed to have and I’m also annyoed that they just make him stab people instead. And also, I don’t like that Loki calls himself “Odinson” in this scene. Forgiving Odin shouldn’t be a part of his redemption, bla bla, we’ve been over this. I like to headcanon that that part was more meant for Thor than Odin.

3rd Place - Avengers: Endgame

I know what you’re thinking - Does Loki even have enough screentime in Endgame for it to be on this list? And yeah, good point. It’s hard to be completely ooc when you basically have two minutes of screentime and I did consider leaving it off the list for precisely that reason. But, I mean COME ON. I just had to give a shout-out to how absolutely iconic those two minutes were. Imitating Cap? Sarcastically waving at the Hulk from the elevator? Dramatically rolling his eyes when Thor mentions Odin? Grabbing the tesseract at the first chance and just noping out of that horrible mess of a movie? ICONIC. Two minutes of screentime and he somehow stole the show. When could your fave ever?

2nd Place - Thor 1

This is the movie that made me fall in love with Loki in the first place, so obviously it had to be high on this list. The way he was written (and acted) here was absolutely beautiful, his story is heartwrenching in all the right ways, he makes all the wrong choices but as a viewer you understand why he makes them. He’s presented to us as this outcast who doesn’t quite fit in, who’s always in the shadow of his brother, kind of gets bullied by his brother’s friends, yearns for his father’s love - and who one day has to deal with the realisation that his life was a lie and that his father resents him for something beyond his control. The confrontation between him and Odin in the Vaults is still the best Marvel-scene ever, hands down.

Fun fact: I literally first watched this movie because I wanted to know “who that Loki-guy is and why people love him so much”. I finished watching the movie and was like “Ah. I get it now.”

My only complaint would be that they deleted all the scenes that explained Loki’s motives and made him more sympathetic. To be honest, I sometimes forget that they’re “deleted scenes” because I’ve watched them so often that I just consider them canon.

1st Place - Thor: The Dark World

Honestly, it was close between this one and Thor 1. I love them both, but while I think the first one is a better movie overall, Loki’s portrayal in the second one is probably my favourite. He starts the movie already disillusioned with his family and spends it unafraid of calling them out on their mistreatment of him. This is the movie where Loki won’t be silenced about the injustices he’s suffered, and I love that about him. I also love how he just replies to threats with sarcasm now (”You’ll kill me? Evidently, there will be a line.”).

I also like that his movie gave more depth to his relationship with Frigga, and also showed Loki being heroic: Helping Thor, never betraying him, protecting Jane, sacrificing himself for Thor. In fact, I stick by what I said before: Loki wasn’t a villain in this movie. There isn’t a single evil thing that he did in this film. NOT ONE.

I also love how this movie makes Odin’s hypocrisy more evident than ever (Telling Loki they’re not gods and that he shouldn’t think himself above Midgardians, but telling Thor he shouldn’t date Jane because Midgardians are “goats”... You get the idea). I also like the contrasts painted between Odin and Loki and how they think about Thor’s relationship with a mortal - Odin tells him he shouldn’t date Jane because she’s “beneath” him, Loki tells him he shouldn’t date Jane because she’ll die one day and that’ll break his heart. And that’s just one of the many contrasts between them in this movie.

And THAT ENDING! Thor getting his only bit of good parenting ever and it was actually Loki - Loki still being alive - Loki sitting on that throne. HELL YES.

(I seriously don’t get how people thought that ending meant Loki was evil? Hello?? He just freed Asgard from a totalitarian dictator? Last time I checked that was a good thing? Have some people not gotten the memo that Odin’s evil? This movie in particular was very clear about that.)

My other rankings: Thor | Steve Rogers | Natasha Romanoff

#Loki #MCU #Loki meta #Thor movies #The Avengers #Thor the Dark World #Thor Ragnarok #Avengers Infinity War #Avengers Endgame #Endgame spoilers #long post

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usedtobewerealpacas-blog · 6 years ago

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petty shit ayyyy

ok hi i’m home from work and want to elaborate on this on a non-phone keyboard because TODAY IS ME BEING ANNOYED AT DEHUMANIZING NOTT DAY.

i started writing this as a reblog of my own posts, and then it got long and you know what? LET’S TALK ABOUT CALEB AND NOTT. AGAIN.

i’ve touched on this elsewhere but — fandom tends, or tended, to treat nott as a mascot rather than a fully realized person. she’s so funny! and weird! and beloved, yes, but it’s telling that she’s beloved for caring about others, not for them caring about her. people talk about caleb’s sadness and issues and complexity and moral grey areas and friendship with beau for reasons they love him, and they are all very valid reasons! but they don’t talk as much about “also, he fucking loves nott and spends half his time trying to take care of her and make her happy.” but with nott? “she’s caleb’s mom!” is always the first thing that gets brought up.

and that leads to her weird infantilization, i think — it’s not that people literally think she’s a small child, and it is fair that her age was left ambiguous enough that people could be safely confused (she’s both “child bearing age” and “nine”, she’s of a non-human species that ages differently, who knows). but it’s also true that she’s treated in and out of universe more as an irresponsible child than a grown woman — by fjord and molly, pointedly. nott always gets mad when this happens. not in a “i’m a grown up!” child’s tantrum manner — she gets cold and formal and condescending in reply. but in fandom it’s far worse. she’s not shipped in fanfic but rarely (more on that in a moment), or at least wasn’t before The Reveal happened. she’s shooed to the side. she’s the comic relief. everyone likes her, but she’s not important.

and i think we all saw that, or at least i saw that, when The Reveal came along, and fandom got angry at nott. it was far more plausible that nott was planning on impersonating a dead woman and stealing her family — which is some grade a horror movie shit — than that nott had a family, biological or not, had a life outside of the mighty nein and caleb. when she was angry at caleb for the first time in the series, people took to the streets: their relationship was broken forever! caleb is going to leave the mighty nein! nott had one job, one role, and it was to be the Funny Support Character/Caleb’s Accessory. his little buddy he could fall back on while he made his real friends, beau and fjord and molly and jester and caduceus. that’s why i don’t read much fanfiction, by the way — the way that runs through a lot of it. caleb will be fixed and healed when he finds love with xyz. nott is a stepping stone, not his best friend in her own right.

(caveat i feel i shouldn’t have to make, but just in case: i fucking love caleb and beau’s friendship and development, him and jester, etc. but just because he and beau are close and growing together doesn’t mean nott is just a stepping stone for that.)

because nott is a goblin and funny and weird. she’s ugly and she’s not “feminine” (even though she’s shown many times she’s as much of a girly-girl as jester, to the point of creeping beau out in ‘the stowaway’). because nott once said she was the parent in her and caleb’s parent-child relationship — because fjord and molly called it a parent-child relationship first, because caleb is so protective of her that they assumed she was a child and that was what it was. i love the meme of momma nott! she is incredibly protective and maternal! let’s talk about how when she and jester aren’t team chaos nott is treating her just as protectively and maternally -- giving her advice, taking dragon bites, it’s adorable!

but fandom went awesome! nott has unconditional and nonromantic feelings for best boy caleb, and that is all she is allowed to be. caleb spends 50 episodes of the show telling nott he will do anything he can to help her, asking for her backstory and promising his support. she asks him for help and he fucking balks. he refuses. she’s panicking because her husband and son are gone and her home is burnt, caleb fails her, and it’s nott’s fault. that’s what fandom decided. this is how i got engaged in this fandom: looking for hurt/comfort fanfics about e48 and only finding stories where nott finds and begs for caleb’s forgiveness. because caleb is a hurt sad boy, and nott’s job is to support him and never demand or need anything else.

let’s talk about fucking shipping here.

caleb, every single night, canonically, sleeps with a young woman. in the same bed. they fucking cuddle. she kisses him often. they are very physically affectionate. caleb tells beau his backstory because she more or less forces him; nott is to date the only person he has willingly told it to. he dearly loves nott. caleb/nott? not a thing. it should be a thing. on paper, it basically looks like it is a thing. i’m surprised keg is canonically the only person who thought it was a thing. but it’s not. why? because nott isn’t a human? neither is caduceus, and people ship him and caleb all the time. because nott is married? sure, but we only found that out a month ago. because of a physical size difference or age gap? hi, cad is like 80 and looms over caleb. jester/caleb is a thing, and jester is pretty young herself.

because nott isn’t pretty? isn’t conventionally attractive? because nott doesn’t get to be a person, only caleb’s funny accessory who gets into mischief and exists merely to give him unconditional support?

even poly!nein stories are really usually “poly everyone but nott.”

i don’t ship caleb/nott, actually. (i mean. i ship them as platonic soulmates who are going to endgame live next door to one another. but not romantically.) but honestly? it should be a thing. there is a fucking lot.

not dissing other pairings. seriously, ship everything. give me actual!polynein stories. but i’m just saying.

there isn’t. because nott isn’t treated as a real person. as an adult woman. it briefly seemed more likely to some that she killed veth brenatto and is trying to steal her life than that nott feels romantic love for someone. the only acceptable recourse for her not aligning herself 100% with caleb for the first time in canon was she needs to beg him for forgiveness, she was cruel and unkind, she crossed a line. when he failed her.

the thing is, a lot of this, thank god, is ooc only. fandom only. in game, caleb and nott haven’t had a big dramatic come to jesus moment. in game, nott apologized for losing her temper, caleb responded by telling her what she had asked for and throwing in his real name on top of it, by the next day he’s making a point to drape frumpkin on her in the tunnels and pointing out her husband needs them whenever he can. as a fan, i do want to see them have a big talk about feelings, because i am trash in that way. but it’s also clear they don’t need to, that they’re fine. because caleb, if not fandom, has never treated nott like she’s his accessory or not a real person. he’s in fact often gotten angry at the people who do.

#this comes off as negative towards caleb and …… i love him #but you know what at the same time fuck him this is nott's moment #i feel like he's enough of a fucking stan that he would understand lmao

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princessniquane · 6 years ago

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Just This One Time....

#jey uso #wwe #jey uso fic #jey uso x oc #JustThisOneTime

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thclcstgirl · 6 years ago

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So I’m just going to let loose with some potentially unpopular opinions about our deteriorating rpc and what I- both personally and based on talking with others- think is our problem, which of course is us.

Story time, when I first started writing roleplay online the people I met used this as a hobby, a break from life, a way to enjoy characters outside of media. Was there discourse? Sure, occasionally. But they didn’t put much stock in this because it was a hobby and they didn’t have to care about these random online presences they met through writing, they just had to enjoy the writing. And they were so much happier than we are now, guys.

The tumblr community seems to operate under the exact opposite of that theory. People use this as a validation for when life isn’t going smoothly. Which alone is a whole other can of worms because tumblr is that kind of toxic that pretends it’s progressive but really it’s just toxic.

The tumblr rpc takes characters/the show plot way too seriously (I say fully aware of my intense love of Bellamy Blake and my subsequent dislike of t100 s5) but there seems to be a trend of letting this affect you on and offline, and affect those around you. You can’t stand seeing this Thing, it makes you sad/upest/angry/ick/ect. But instead of blacklisting or tublrsavior’ing your way away from it, you don’t want to because some of your friends talk about it and it feels “rude” and you end up feeling disgusted on your own dash. It’s not rude to not talk about shit that annoys you. This is a hobby. You shouldn’t feel annoyed doing your hobby.

On that note, no one treats this like a hobby anymore. They treat it like a job, a popularity contest, an all-inclusive-or-you’re-a-giant-bag-of-dicks kind of thing. You can’t just write what you like, or what you’re feeling, because then you’re labeled “elitist”. You can’t just write with your friends for the same reason. You HAVE to write with everyone who wants to write with you or you’re labeled “unfriendly” or “bitchy”. You HAVE to respond to threads in a timely manner or you’re accused of “ignoring” people or “forgetting” them which seem to be equal insults whether or not it’s true. You HAVE to be nice and friendly and peppy all the time or you’re labeled “mean” or again, “bitchy”.

Now, best case scenario if any of the above happens, you get a few bratty people or a few bratty anons and life goes on. Worst case scenario the guilt tripping and the vague posting starts, and once it starts it rarely ends. People put so much importance in being important to online presences on tumblr, and when they feel wronged/upset/ignored/invalidated/ect the ooc posts start up, designed to entice sympathy but really just making people uneasy and uncomfortable because these posts are directed at them as though they’ve done something wrong to make someone feel this way, but it’s almost never about them, it’s about the poster.

You’re not allowed to like certain things. You’re not allowed to dislike certain things. You’re not allowed to say this, or that, because it’s offensive. And I’m not talking ‘you can’t make a racist joke’ I’m talking ‘you can’t dislike this character over a personality because they’re a poc and that makes you racist’. That’s what tumbr is guys. It is the extreme leftist, where everything you say is potentially offensive and you’re surrounded by literally millions of people with the protective cover of internet anonymity who are just waiting to crucify the next person for the next perceived slight.

As though there haven’t been enough rules, there’s the rules about following/writing with people. You can’t unfollow people, at least not without A. having to explain yourself to them or B. inspiring a string of guilty-trip/sympathy posts painting you as the bad guy who made this person feel so shitty about their life and themselves. You can’t just not want to write with a certain character, because that’s reflective of your feelings about the mun apparently. You can’t just not see yourself writing against a style, because that’s reflective of your feelings about the mun apparently. If you DO end up writing because you don’t want to be painted as an asshole, you can’t stop writing, because then it’s indicative that the mun has somehow offended you and angered you. You can’t ask to change shit in a thread because then you’re saying the mun can’t write right. And the breaking of any of these rules end up in vague, guilt-trippy posts that “aren’t about you” but we all know they are, even if we can’t prove it because they were deliberately vague. And a lot of these guilt-trippy posts are tagged with ‘delete later’ ‘idk why i’m saying this’ ‘it doesn’t even matter idk why I’m upset’ ‘i dont’ want to talk about it’ but like, those are clear lies because why make the post in the first place then? You want the attention, you just don’t want to explain why you made a post rather than spoke to someone directly. Which I mean, we all want attention that’s why we write on a public forum. Just own up to it.

Even the supposedly simple concept of friendships isn’t exempt from being poisoned by the tumblr mindset. You can’t just have internet friends anymore. And that’s largely because of what I outlined earlier about this not being treated as a hobby and people putting their self-worth into the internet ( again, extremely unhealthy please for all that is good go outside, make in-person friends, find a different hobby, love yourself bc the internet will not ). The friends you make on here have to be important to you, have to be a priority, have to be loved and cherished and doted on and you have to do this for eeeeveryone. You can’t just be vague ‘we write together’ friends, you have to be best friends. And while yeah, you will definitely bond with some people on here in a way that translates offline, the statistical probability of that happening with every single solitary person you ever meet around here ( especially given that you have to try to give everyone a chance or you’re an asshole ) is astronomical. And for those that you don’t end up bonding with in that way? You guessed it: sad, guilt-trippy posts about how they’re not worth being special to people.

I might be paraphrasing here, but it seems to me a lot of the issues people have on tumblr can be solved by simply caring less. Not to be confused with not caring, don’t misunderstand. Sill try to be nice, try to be a decent person, don’t go out of your way to be an asshole and if you find yourself hitting the anon button for anything other than sending an ask from a sideblog, you’ve done something wrong.

But this is a HOBBY my guys. Let it be a hobby. Let it be something innocuous and easy and mindless and fun. Not everything that someone does is a direct shot at you, your self confidence, or should have this big an impact on your self worth. Because these are just people on the internet, and in the rpc we’re just connected by a love of writing… or procrastinating writing, which lbr is way more common.

#preachover

#i've been feeling all sorts of ways about the rpc lately #and i know personally other people have been as well #and it all boils down to the fact that there's five million rules of how not to hurt someone's feelings #and it's exhausting #rant cw #long post #ooc

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stennnn06 · 6 years ago

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1. Sten, first I want to say that I appreciate & give you many kudos for - your kindness & cheerfulness & positivity in general (&toward the show as well) You once mentioned that the people ranting about the show are the ones who don't watch the show (it might certainly be true for some people) I am NOT ranting & I'm trying to be fair & give them a chance. (English is not my first language so I sincerely hope I can convey what is on my heart) I am also not one of these aggressive intimidating

2. shippers (actually I think KaraMel do have chemistry, well how couldn't they if they are a couple in RL & James is a good healthy bf) it's just that SC tops them all LMAO sometimes I look at Kara & then at Lena on screen & I'm thinking it's like the universe made them to be together (regardless the nature of their relationship, whether it's best friends or lovers) they just fit together so well, like every key belongs to one special lock. I'm not taking Lena's side here, seriously this woman has issues! and she has certainly done some questionable things HOWEVER Kara's reaction (3x17) seriously surprised me, I didn't see it coming from her side (maybe I shouldn't call it ooc) so what did I expect from Kara?

You know, my favourite K/L scene is - NOT the fan favourite so called gay SC moments, the bridal carries, these two being disgustingly sweet to each other - no my favourite scene between Kara & Lena is when Kara CONFRONTED Lena in 2x08. When Kara (ironically in her SG persona) confronted Lena straight forward, OMG I could see, I could feel the honesty, the genuine, the pureness AND the pain in Kara's eyes when she spoke those words:"I know what it’s like to be disillusioned by your parents. But I’m a pretty good judge of character. And you are not like your mother. She is cold & dangerous" And then - my most favourite scene ever - it gives me so many feels: Kara is hurt, you can clearly see it in her eyes but she steps forward to Lena (who is doubting herself & being dramatic) declaring WITH EACH STEP: "And you are too good and too smart to follow in her path. Be your own hero" Jesus, that scene was so POWERFUL! I don't have the words to describe how I feel: There is just so much honesty, the scene feels so INTIMATE, so genuine, so pure. and I don't mean any of these words in a romantic way! (I think I just love genuine, honest healthy relationships, regardless of their nature)I think I kind of wanted/expected Kara to confront Lena about her feelings/worries instead of going behind her back - in 3x17, bc I thought that's the kind of person Kara (SG or not) is. I always thought of Kara being honest, honorable, genuine, relentless.I wouldn't have a problem with Kara being directly hurt & angry at Lena, directly confronting her & showing it. (These two idiots would still be hurting & everything. And it would also take time to get out their "mess" but there would be no betrayal bc they tried to be honest & truthful to each other). imho, concerning honesty & truth Lena - in that case - was trying (at first) to be honest & truthful. And given the the history with other TV shows, I'm sure I could name you endless shows where the writers let go a wonderful potential which could have been great to waste. Therefore please understand that I was kind of bitter thinking "oh history repeating itself again. We know where it goes now" I was already seeing the writers making Kara an insufferable hypocrite (clone of Smallville's Clark) & Lena downward spiraling towards madness & evil bc she got so disillusioned & hurt.But yeah, there is still a chance that the writers are NOT pulling a Clark/Lex à la Smallville stunt right? There is still a chance that Kara & Lena are gonna get out of this mess even STRONGER THAN BEFORE, this incident bringing their relationship on a deeper level. I think you've said it once: we can't tell yet which direction SG's gonna go & all we can do is sit & wait how it all unfolds (staying hopeful & cheering for KZE to be the relentless, steadfast unconditional loving person we got to know)That was a long post, but I needed to write about this, since it has been constantly on my mind. Please let me know what you think. I'd appreciate your opinion.

hi anon sorry it took me SO LONG to answer this. i didn’t want you to think i was ignoring you. i liked your points :) and i totally agree, the 2x8 scene was one of my favorite supercorp scenes of all time, it was just so... MUCH, for all the reasons you said. i’m pretty sure that’s when i just REALLY sold my soul to them, honestly, haha. so i’m with ya there. the two of them are iconic and legendary in literally every way - and while i have no issues with some of the other relationships on the show, i do acknowledge the fact that when compared to supercorp, they will always fall short. that’s just a fact, no matter how healthy or how well written the others can be. there is so much complexity, so much passion, so much chemistry and so many implications to supercorp that it’s just impossible to compete.

and honestly i agree in the sense that kara’s reaction was a tiny bit surprising in 3x17, however, i think taking into context the entire season as a whole, and how this has been kara on a very specific journey to find herself -- and what exactly THAT means, as she’s juggling MULTIPLE identities and responsibilities -- it makes it easier to understand. we’ve seen kara have to shoulder the supergirl mantle MUCH more this season, more than ever, really, and as such, i think it’s pulling her away from center. that is, she’s skewing more towards the side of kryptonian legacies and responsibilities currently, vs her human persona and what THAT means. she’s still empathetic, and passionate, and strong, but she’s approaching things from a different angle than she might have before. not to mention, this season’s major villain is FROM krypton, and that brings with it so much heavy baggage for kara beyond just the fact that the earth is in danger. so for her to suddenly be shouldering a lot more pressure, and have to start acting more kryptonian than ever, it does lend itself to the argument she makes against kryptonite. while i don’t agree with her completely, when i take the story fully into consideration, i see why kara is reacting the way she is.

i also think, as hard as it may be to watch, since supercorp has always handled conflict very maturely and admirably - it’s kind of GOOD to see them make mistakes and act like flawed characters. as much as we adore kara and lena, they aren’t perfect -- they’re stubborn, and brash, and reckless sometimes, and that lends itself to MAKING MISTAKES. they love each other, and we know this, but sometimes people lash out and don’t think through their actions. and that’s what we’re seeing here. they’re both in this high stress situation and focused on their own agendas while doing their best, and so its really hard to fault them for not sitting down and discussing everything rationally right away. i mean, there’s a worldkiller on the loose who happens to be their friend. who has time? sometimes you just act off your instincts and deal with consequences later. unfortunately, in this case, its their friendship that has to be put under strain. i still have complete faith they’re going to manage to come to a place of understanding, but the tension is believable so i’m a fan of seeing how it all pans out.

as for lena’s “downward spiral” - that’s a hard sell. if they were to go there and actually have a reveal between kara and lena, i can see lena being broken emotionally, but i still don’t see her becoming the next lex luthor. her motivations, agenda, and entire spirit are completely the opposite, and it just doesn’t lend itself to make sense in the narrative at this point in time (or ever). more likely, with or without a reveal, they’re going to have lena and kara push the envelope and really test them with not always seeing eye to eye but having to work through it; as katie recently said in her interviews, that doesn’t make lena EVIL or dark, it just doesn’t lend itself for her to always be best friends with kara, or for everything to be sunshine and roses. but so far, lena has been her own character, and the relationship between kara and lena hasn’t been a copy of smallville whatsoever. obviously i have no answers but i’m convinced they’re going to surprise us, just like they’ve been with lena’s character this entire time. and at the end of the day, i think supercorp will always manage to pull through.

#Anonymous #sten says

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inevitably-johnlocked · 8 years ago

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You always have such great fic recs! I have a looong cross-country flight coming up and am looking for some multi-chapter fics to wile away the hours in the flying tin can. Preferences in order of priority: *very* in-character (anything OOC kills it for me), slow burn/first time, not AU (ACD is good tho!) Any rating. Have read all the fandom classics so looking for less-known or newish. For reference two of my favorite ever fics are Quiet Man, & Safe Distance. Thank you Steph! You are the best!!

AHHH Nonny!! Sorry I just saw this, so I hope I’m not too late for your cross-country flight! All I saw was “multi-chapter long” and I put it aside to attach to 2 other asks of similar requests. BUT because this is time-sensitive, I’ll give you a few to tide you over! I’m actually working on a TONNE of fic rec lists:

… (essentially I create a new textedit document every time I get a “different” request from others I have) and was going to add this ask to my “long fics” request I received a month or so ago. Okay, so instead, I’ll pull some long fics from my “Fave Fics Ever” List for you that I have so far (I still have 15 more pages of bookmarks to go through, plus all 1000 fics on my FFNet account, so, WHEE. Being meticulous is ridiculous).

It’s hard to choose, so I limited it to my go-to long fics for you that I have ALREADY sorted on my lists you see in that window above there :D I’ve put them in word count order for you :D

TOP 20 FAVE 40K+ w. FICS || APRIL 2017

Goodness Gives Extras by mydwynter (E, 39,629 w. || Fluff & Angst, Case Fic, Oral / Anal, Humour, First Time, Miscommunication, Snark, Christmas) – Christmas time. ‘Tis the season to settle down with a drink, some food and a present or two, and to enjoy the quiet relaxation of the holiday. Instead, there’s a case that drags them all over, missing presents, disappointed kids, angry parents, and a freak snowfall. On top of that John has to deal with Sherlock, who is being even more of a prat than usual. He really shouldn’t have expected anything different. (okay I’m cheating with the word count on this one but it’s so good!! One of my ALL TIME FAVES)

Right Hand Man by SilentAuror (E, 42,031 w. || H/C, Injury, Slow Burn, Infidelity, Mary is Not Nice) – When John’s left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she’s about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm. (FAVE FAVE FAVE)

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

The Case of the Vanishing Pants by SwissMiss (E, 44,025 w. || Post-TRF, Case Fic, UST, Homophobia, Friends to Lovers) – Five times John and Sherlock lost their pants in the course of a case.

Left by lifeonmars (M, 45,153 w. || Magical Realism) – John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible.

The Norwood Love Builders by flawedamythyst (T, 47,798 w. || Fake Relationship, Slow Burn, Post TRF Angst) – Sherlock and John go undercover to solve the murder of Joanna Oldacre, but things are complicated by the many feelings John has been repressing in the wake of Sherlock’s faked death and return.

Triage by scullyseviltwin (E, 51,612 w. || Character Injury, Introspection) – Sherlock’s mind goes exceedingly, devastatingly quiet and gray-blank. When he speaks it’s through a thick haze, it’s through molasses, he’s so disconnected from the words that it may as well be the unconscious shooter speaking.

Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w. || Dollhouse AU, First Time/Kiss, BAMF John, Slow Burn, Falling in Love, Case Fic) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”

Guilty Secrets by Ellipsical (E, 55,055 w. || Drumsticks, First Time, Love Confession, Self-Sexual-Discovery) – John has a prostate exam and discovers something surprising about himself. Experimentation follows. Sherlock wants to help. They’re in love. You know the drill.

Wars We Fought, Things We’re Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w. || Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case) – Five months after John’s world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

The Progress of Sherlock Holmes by ivyblossom (E, 62,006 w || Sherlock POV, Pining, Angst, Slow Burn, Infidelity, Sherlock Learns About Himself, Happy Ending) – Sherlock struggles with his feelings for John, makes a mistake, and learns just how important he and John are to each other. Non-BBC Mary / John, but it’s a *complicated* relationship.

Perdition’s Flames by i_ship_an_armada (E, 63,435 w., || Treklock AU, Est. Rel, Genetic Engineering, Angst & Fluff, BAMF!John) – Sherlock would do anything to save him. Risk anything. Give anything. His money, his life. His soul. What he does, though, is change both of their destinies forever. Genetic re-engineering is the only option left. It turns out researchers underestimated the life expectancy and potential abilities of genetically re-engineered subjects. The British government and what would eventually become the United Federation of Planets, however, had not. Part 1 of PF Universe

The Green Blade by verityburns (T, 72,929 w. || Casefic, Bromance) – As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at an all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit…

The Moonlight and the Frost by CaitlinFairchild (E, 77,289 w. || Case Fic, Post-HLV, Self Harm, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Oral/Anal/Rimming, Romance, Angst, Mary is Not Nice) – John has to somehow rebuild his life in the wake of Mary’s betrayal and Sherlock’s deceptions.

A Case of Identity by jkay1980 (T, 91,009 w. || Fake Relationship, Post-TRF, Case Fic) – John and Sherlock have succeeded in rebuilding their friendship after Sherlock’s fake suicide, but an unusual case puts their relationship to the test. They pretend to be engaged and attend a marriage counseling workshop. Under the pretext of the case, Sherlock turns out to be a master of seduction, and John finally learns he might like Sherlock more than he thought. Slowly, John discovers that he loves Sherlock not only in a friendly, brotherly way, but both men have to fight their own demons before they can think of taking their relationship to a new level… [[I love this fic SO MUCH]]

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w. || GenieLock, Torture, H/C, Magical Realism) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more. {{This is a REALLY great story, which tears at your heart consistently}}.

Breakable by MissDavis (E, 117,627 w. || Established, Fluff/Angst, Depression, Paralysis, Happy-ish Ending) – After John is seriously injured, Sherlock struggles to figure out how to help him, keep himself sane, and maybe, just maybe, get their life back to the way it’s supposed to be. Part 1 of Breakable Not Broken

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate’s charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

A Fold in the Universe by darkest_bird (E, 152,857 w. || O-John, A-Sherlock || Body Swap, Crossing Universes, DubCon, H/C, Angst, Happy Ending) – Alpha Sherlock and Omega John are in a relationship. Prime Sherlock and Prime John are not. So what happens when a freak fold in the universe switches one John for the other?

Performance In a Leading Role by Mad_Lori (E, 156,714 w. || Hollywood AU, Coming Out, Show Business) – Sherlock Holmes is an Oscar winner in the midst of a career slump. John Watson is an Everyman actor trapped in the rom-com ghetto. When they are cast as a gay couple in a new independent drama, will they surprise each other? Will their on-screen romance make its way into the real world?

#johnlock fic recs #my fic recs #long fics #Anonymous

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