#only when it's sociable and cool and friendly but the moment someone is ACTUALLY MENTALLY ILL its off.

[mappingway]

Me trying to tell myself "you did all you could and the ball is no longer in your court, if they choose to block you that's their choice, people are going to pick sides bc that's how social media works."

But then my subconscious comes and says, "you are a fuck up if people dislike you. Maybe if you hadn't had a break down, these people would still think you're a good person, but instead you let them see how fucked up you are and now they don't want anything to do with you, and they're telling everyone about how fucked up you are, that's why blogs left and right are blocking you."

[taking-thyme]

Comforting Things for Bad Days

I made this list for myself, but I figured I'd share it in case anyone else may need it. It's just a simple guide of things that help when I'm upset, so if it helps you as well, I'm glad. Godspeed, everyone

🍜 Cooking food!! I was having a really shitty day awhile back, just feeling incredibly exhausted, and even after a nap it didn't seem to be getting much better. But then I made myself some Ramen and I just felt so much nicer than before. Even just boiling some water to get it started felt so fulfilling. Food is such a soulful thing, it never fails to make me feel better, especially if it's handmade. So go pick up some cucumber and slice it into bits, then throw together a salad while you’re at it! It’ll nourish your stomach and your soul. This also applies to baking too, of course! Some banana bread or brownies sure do sound good right now!

☕ Make yourself some tea. I find that Raspberry Tea is a personal favorite of mine, so I always make some when I really need it. Warm drinks in general are proven to make a person feel warmer and more pleasant too, so hot chocolate or whatever floats your boat is probably fine too. And, of course, you can never go wrong with water. It’s the only drink that can make you feel significantly better after one sip, so pour yourself a cool glass and enjoy.

🐉 Watch some really nice Animation. Like Studio Ghibli, or Moomins, or Cartoon Saloon. Or even something like Loving Vincent if you're in the artsy, melancholic mood for it. Rewatch Spirited Away or The Cat Returns while you’re at it! I don't really have a super solid explanation for this one, except that Animation makes me happy. It inspires me. So it should be a good and kind friend in those darker moments too!

🕹️ Play some video games! Much like Animation, I love me some video games, so when I'm feeling up to it they can be a good stress relief when needed. I find that Zelda games, Kirby's epic yarn, and other games like Undertale are especially good for this. Try and pick something that's not too high-octane action. Well, unless you're mad and need to take it out on some Bokoblins, of course. Then that is perfectly acceptable. As long as it helps you, you’re doing just fine.

🧵 Re-experience some old things you used to love! Visit that Japanese Market you used to love as a kid, or pull out your old stuffed animal and cuddle with them again. Research Diplodocus like you used to as a kid, watch Peter Pan again, and accept all the emotions and nostalgia that comes with seeing these things with new eyes. Don't judge if you get a bit teary eyed, that's normal. Feed your inner child for once, they've been getting awfully hungry lately.

📕 Sit down and read. Like actually, genuinely read. Modern life always seems so fast paced and crazy, it can be hard to remember the quieter moments in there too. Reading helps us remember them. Pick up that Encyclopedia of Spirits tome you got forever ago, or one of those Art and Concept books that you love so much. It'll nourish your soul, I promise.

🕰️ Take a Nap!! Exhaustion kills, quite literally in fact. So just curl up somewhere, and doze off. Set a timer for a twenty minute power nap, or sleep for 5 hours on a Thursday afternoon! There are no rules for how much sleep you're "allowed" to get, so if your body needs it, do it!

🧹 Clean!! When you’ve got the energy for it, cleaning is a great way to clear both your room and your mind. Break it down into steps. Start with a very small section of your space and clean it thoroughly, then move on to the next. You’ll have the whole room done before you know it! A messy room may be fun, but it also creates a chaotic energy that can throw you off, so it’s good to go through and organize every once in a while to clean the space and the energy there.

🌾 Nature! For the love of god, just go outside. It doesn’t matter where it is, as long as there’s grass and trees and greenery, you’re in the right place. There’s a reason why Houseplants are so important to people; Humans need that greenery for both our physical and mental health. Go listen to the birds, take a walk that leads to nowhere, go water some plants and trees while you’re at it! Take care of the world, and it’ll care for you back. Hell, you can even build a little shrine to some nature spirits or a tree, and start leaving offerings there! Take care of your life in the most literal sense! Home is where the heart is, after all.

✏️ Draw! Something, anything, when it’s in your head, draw it out! Or look back at your old drawings and admire them sometimes. Like that drawing of Princess Peach in the heart-shaped glasses, or that Capybara eating ramen that you made a while ago. Remember how much fun you had making those? Remember the pencil lead stains on the side of your hand? Let the emotions of that drawing come back and fill you up again. Let them comfort you, feel them, and then let them go. Drawing is nourishment for the heart, so it’s important to do sometimes.

💕 Be kind and do nice things for others. Write a letter or send an email to someone you haven’t seen in forever! Give someone a compliment and strike up a friendly conversation! Make something or do a chore or errand for the ones you love! Humans are sociable creatures by nature, that’s pretty much the only reason we’ve survived this long, so give in to your compassion and do nice things! By helping others, you’ll help yourself even more.

🧼 Take a Bath or Shower! Go all fancy with it too! I’m talking your favorite playlist, some candles if it’s dark enough, maybe some bubbles or an open window to smell the fresh breeze. Really get into it, but make sure nobody’s washing dishes or anything, so you can have all that nice, hot water to yourself. Getting clean and feeling clean will help cleanse your soul as well! Oh, and make sure to pick out new clothes afterwards. You’ve probably been wearing those for awhile now, plus new clothes help drive home the cleansing feeling that comes with a bath.

⛲ Pick or schedule something to look forward to! Take a small trip to somewhere you really wanna visit, or go swimming for a bit after work! Even if it’s just something small like a nap or a meal you’re really excited for, try and find motivation to get you through until then. Having something to look forward to makes the day more bearable, so try and find something like that everyday!

📬 Make something! Put together a recommendations list of all your favorite things, with short notes about why you like them, and why others should enjoy them too. Make some memes about something you really like, or an idea that’s been stuck in your head for forever. Pick up a hobby like animation, so you can finally see your own drawings come to life, like you’ve always dreamed! A pen can’t win a battle, but the sword can’t heal the heart.

🍶 Start a Collection! Choose an item you really like, and start trying to find them everywhere you go. It helps make trips more meaningful when you’re actually looking for something at those gift shops. How about a collection of Witchy-themed Books, or Letters and Notes from meaningful people? That sounds so nice, doesn’t it?

[smuttymess]

bts astro soulmate reading | for cat

sign: leo sun | scorpio moon | capricorn rising

lover: Park Jimin | soulmate: Jung Hoseok

This reading is for the lovely Cat, a J-Hope bias with a particular weakness for Jimin & V. It’s more rare for people to actually pair with both their bias and wrecker astrologically, so she has pretty much hit the jackpot on this one. I hope you enjoy ;) 

This specific star sign placement denotes a unique blend of ambition, power, and rebelliousness - a lethal combination that both intimidates people to their core while drawing them into you like moths to a flame. Your Leo Sun establishes you as the bold, go-getter of the zodiac who stops at nothing to reach greatness in all areas of your life.. The vibrant, outgoing, upbeat nature of your Leo is often exists in tandem with your moody, darker inner Scorpio Moon which also wants power but craves control and your Capricorn rising that presents a very  You are able to use traits from both signs alongside your wide emotional range to your to your advantage, your deep knowledge of people and their wants, needs, and desires getting you very far in your work and personal life. Some may call your skills dramatic and manipulative, but your intentions (however deliberate and calculated) are rarely deceptive and come from your innately passionate and ambitious nature. When it comes to your friends and family, it is hard to find a kinder or more loyal protector than you, the fierce nature of your Leo and Scorpio making you a true force to be reckoned with. Your Capricorn rising makes you a gentle, caring, big-picture thinker who is very aware of the world outside of yourself, and someone who actively seeks to make said world a better place. A natural leader, you are equipped with the energy, tenacity and optimism that makes people follow you in support of whatever lofty goals you have in mind - anything seems possible with you at the helm, and while people may not fully understand you they certainly respect you. 

Not one to stand still for too long, people are in your sign are likely to be found in high-level positions and involved in humanitarian efforts, mingling with the world's elite and moving progress forward. Your natural knack for communication lends to an actively social calendar, which on a cool fall night brings you to a fundraiser at a Seoul gallery where you are talking up your next project which has become your newest focus. When you believe in a cause, there is no fundraising goal you can't exceed or person you cannot sway into opening their purse. Strong, sexual and intuitive, you possess and air of power that is almost irresistible, which attracts many benefactors including one very special guest, Jung Hoseok. Like attracts like, and within seconds his Aquarius senses that beneath your cool and confident exterior that you are someone with equal fire, depth and passion to match his own - a true rarity that he must explore further. His eyes moving over your body, the buzz of the room doesn't hold a candle to the burning sensation taking over you as your eyes eventually meet his dark, knowing stare and he makes his way over to introduce himself.  Fueled by emotions on all cylinders, you are known to think with your heart instead of your head, your moon, sun and rising all lending to impulsive behaviors in the name of pleasure - your Capcicorn Moon makes you slow to commit emotionally but when it comes to physicality you can be all in. So it not too surprising when less than an hour later you find yourself getting against the wall of the coat closet, your skirt hiked up around your waist and your panties on the floor, Hoseok's gorgeous hands muffling your moans as he expertly thrusts his length into you, his voice hissing in your ear. Is this what you wanted, beautiful? You may just make me write a blank check. You're perfect, fucking perfect.

From the start, it is clear that you and Hoseok have a magnetic sexual connection that almost transcends logic. For you, sex and love is an all-consuming experience, one that you're not afraid to dive into headfirst without hesitation - a trademark trait of your fiery Leo/Scorpio combo. This pairs almost perfectly with Hoseok's Aquarius sun which seeks adventure, spontaneity, and intention in every movement he makes. At first, you two are less romantic lovers and more so the ideal fuck buddies, his Aquarius enthralled by the chase of the wild Leo, wanting to conquer you mentally and physically. For him, sex is something to be fully experienced with your entire body, a trait of his extremely intense Jupiter in Scorpio and also his dancer background. Coupled with this mind-body awareness and devotion to pleasure is his Mercury in Taurus and Venus in Pisces, making him both wildly unpredictable, dreamy, and playful when it comes to setting your body on fire. When your imaginative, enthusiastic and strong-willed signs come together, there is nothing that is off limits, with sex soon becoming a place for you to experiment and explore your bodies in ways that simply never were possible before.. Your sign is the "king" of the zodiac, and Aquarius impulse to is to break you down and bring you down, begging and to your knees - literally. He wants to consume every inch of you and make you crumble under his touch, sending jolts through your spine as he buries his perfect tongue in between your dripping center and his hands hold your bucking hips in the back of his car. Any thought of ruining the leather interior is gone as he looks up, eyes ablaze as he watches your head roll back while you clench tightly around his long, skilled fingers. This pussy is mine. Say it. Louder, baby, I want to hear you. I love it when you purr for me. Sometimes you wonder why you even bother wearing panties when you know he'll ruin them before dinner, the group of friends you're meeting completely unaware of the the fact that your juices are still lingering on his lips as he charms the room over rounds of soju and his signature charm.

Problems arise when you, Leo, want to connect emotionally with your Aquarius mate. Over time, you begin to demand more attention and affection from Hoseok who seems to be the one person you cannot fully crack - challenge accepted!. While you are highly independent, Leos innately want to be the star of any show, to be admired, courted and to be seen as friendly, fun, confident and generally likable, investing lots of energy into this persona but also keeping your secrets close. Nothing drives you crazier than being ignored, dismissed, or anything other than fawned over by others, especially your partner who you expect to walk to the end of the earth for you with no questions asked. Unfortunately, Hoseok's Mars in Aquarius can make him quite emotionally detached from a situation, able to strategically compartmentalize work and romance unlike anyone else. While that ability helps drive him towards success in his career (a total turn on for you), you also have expectations of a wildly successful partner who can offer the level of attention you require - the best sex of your life isn't enough to keep you satiated. You want Hoseok’s full attention outside of the bedroom, and when you don't get it you work double time to receive affirmation from others, which only seeks to turns him off further. Ultimately, perfectionist Hoseok can only give you a fraction of what you need - his Mercury in Taurus and Venus in Pisces often making him ego-driving and self-satisfying/generally allergic to difficulty and conflict. With you unable to fully let him and him unable to read your mind , he eventually decides a romantic relationship is something that he can offer.

Far be it for your to sit around and brood in misery, your Leo Sun likely throws yourself into a new activity, job, or person as a way to shift the focus away from the depths of your turbulent emotions. In contrast to Hoseok, you want someone who will tell you their deepest, darkest secrets and give you the keys to their heart without hesitation - it makes you feel like you're in control. Enter Park Jimin, who you meet while out at a very decadent club while abroad. As you move around the dance floor, the shimmer of the lights hits him perfectly, illuminating his already ethereal beauty which radiates throughout the room. When you is the champagne, the vibration of the instruments flowing through you, or some combination of the two, but it is not long before you find yourself sauntering towards him, bringing your bodies so close that you can feel the heat emanating from his skin. Looking up at him in a flirtatious invitation to dance, you become more intoxicated by the sparkle in his eye, the peak of collarbone poking out from his shirt, the plumpness of his lips that you could easily kiss right then and there. Jimin is a true Libra, dripping with elegance, charm and sex appeal. Without saying a word, you fall into a sway, and in that moment and the months that follow its as though nothing else in the world exists except for the two of you and the music.

A Leo/Libra pairing is all about pleasure in each other's company and in showing off your love to the world, your sociable, charming combination a true joy to be in the presence of. Jimin's desire to balance the scales balance, peace and harmony while you want to rebel and shake things up makes you a fantastically entertaining and attractive duo, the popular couple that hits red carpets and high-profile events, generating buzz attention wherever you go. Jimin's Venus and Mars in Scorpio makes him extremely romantic and passionate, his arm firmly wrapped around your waist and the top of your ass as he plants little kisses on your cheeks in front of the cameras. This translates to sex too, where you two are fully immersed in each others and sensuality and intensity. There is no such thing as a quick fuck with this pairing as you both are gluttons for pleasure and satisfaction in all ways, happy to spend hours beneath the highest quality silk sheets. Your confident Leo Sun shines with with the dreamy, romantic Libra who wants to worship you while you take the reigns which you do without hesitation. Few things bring you more satisfaction that watching his his eyes light up and cock twitch in anticipation as you strip down in front of him to reveal your sexiest lingerie set, his hardness clearly straining against the fabric of his briefs. You adore the power you hold over him, the way his lips slightly part as he takes in the sight of you as you tease him with a finger slipped in between your legs while the other hand caresses your nipples. Suddenly the strong, confident Park Jimin is reduced to a whining, pouty mess as he sits there, eyes glued to your frame and practically begging for you. He's practically irresistible in this state, his chest heaving as you bring the coated fingers to his lips as you straddle him and slide down onto his length, his breathy moans filling the room. His Saturn in Pisces makes him determined and energetic, wanting nothing more than to hear you scream his name and tell him how amazing he makes you feel, which you do over and over as he rubs your clit, thrusting in and out of you until you practically combust. Be a good boy for me and show me how much you love me. Just like that.

A fundamental, essentially inescapable component of this relationship is envy, which slowly erodes the partnership over time. Your signs make you both dependent on and competitive with each other, with you wanting Jimin's full devotion without revealing too many of your secrets so you do not lose the game of love and get hurt again. You both want desperately to be the center of attention, with Jimin's Sun and Mercury in Libra often seeking approval through others by playing to his people-pleasing tendencies, and his ability to flirt as easily as he breathes makes you feel out of control. While Jimin is initially attracted to your spontaneity and fiery Leo spirit, he feels threatened when you are weaponizing your power in a room full of admirers, his Venus in Scorpio moving the spotlight away from you in order to protect his own ego. Your Moon in Scorpio makes this type of control unbearable for you, making you likely to retaliate by pushing the envelope further, deliberately flirting in his line of vision just to punish him. While jealously can make for some exceptionally good make-up sex and public role play scenarios, at this level it does not bode well for a long-term relationship between these two signs as you cannot trust each other to be faithful and as a true partnership. As hard as it is to walk away from this genuine connection and the sex, this pairing is unlikely to go the distance. 

A cooling off period to reassess feelings is quite possible in the love story of a Leo and Aquarius. Absence always makes the heart grow fonder, and while whatever resentment you felt towards Hoseok subsides when you see his name reappear on your phone, calling in attempt to reconnect after months of reflection and introspection. While your Leo Sun is highly emotional and pretends you are above any pain, your Moon in Scorpio and Capricorn rising ties you deeply to the people you care about and making you intensely loyal once you have finally opened up. It is almost impossible for your to cut ties with those who you have grown to love, and your connection with Hoseok is not something you can ever let go. The power in your Leo nature w/ Capricorn rising is your ability to melt even the coldest, most protected heart, and it is that kind of gentle, idealistic, all-consuming love that his Aquarius soul needs.

Leo/Aquarius duo is an a textbook example of two extremely independent, passionate individuals who can make an almost perfect match if they learn to really let each other in, shedding any walls and false ego or confidence that serve as protective barriers to intimacy, which you both deeply crave. With a lot of communication and problem-solving, this is a relationship that can thrive beyond measure based on your shared qualities. Ultimately, the biggest lesson here is to learn the art of losing control in your love life, knowing that this is a person you can fully let go with. Once you are able to fully safeguard each others hearts, there is nothing that this incredibly creative and energetic duo cannot accomplish. Be it utilizing platforms to advocate for critical humanitarian efforts, or traveling to a new continent to consume new culture and experience, this is a power couple in the truest form that does not subscribe to traditional roles or modes of living, constantly thinking outside of the box and paving their unique paths through the world as an unbeatable team.

[missrosienorris]

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

[raeyvies]

What happens when Seven finds out about MC’s anxiety? pt.1

MC has anxiety revolving fear of being abandoned/thrown away as though she were worthless. However, she has violent and destructive tendencies to cope with her distress. Luckily she has it under control with medication, but what happens when MC stops taking her meds and Seven accidentally triggers her anxiety once again?

Suggested by @revalya​ : “What would Seven do if he meets an MC who has anxiety like Saeran and she only wants to run away?” I switched it up a bit and instead of running away, she pushes Seven away.

You can read the Saeran version of this story here.

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

Part: 1/3

Length: 2751 words

Pairing: SevenxMC

Warnings: implied sex (still SFW)

Your hands gently grazed the polished, glossy surface of the vehicle you had been saving up for years to buy. You were at a dealer ready to seal the deal and possibly get yourself into a well worth debt with this Mercedes C-Class Coupe. Imagining yourself riding out of this place with a bright red luxury vehicle and driving up to work with it, you were lost in your own world for a while.

I’ve worked hard for this. I deserve this, you told yourself as you chuckled, all the while antsy to finally sign the contract. After all, you didn’t work as a forensic ballistics analyst for nothing, making almost six figures.

Taking a peek at the inside while waiting for a sales representative, you closely looked at the designing of the inside, down to the stitch work, until you felt someone’s body invading in your own personal space. It sent chills down your spine as you felt whoever’s hair it was touch your earlobe and the moment you turned your head to meet his eyes, you saw how close his face was to yours. Reflexes kicking in, you attempted to back away from the car, only to hit your head against the car’s roof, gripping at the top of the opened door to keep your balance.

Grunting at the thumping pain in your skull, you shouted at the red hair man, “Aghh! Don’t you have any sense of personal space? There’s literally another door, use it!”

“Oh but from here I can get the best view,” he said. You thought it was a joke but as you glared at him, practically burning holes through him, it came to you that he was actually being serious.

“I’m guessing no one taught you how to be patient then.”

“Anyway, my bad. I didn’t know you would freak out like that, I just assumed you wouldn’t mind.” What bugged you was how casual he was being about this all. Who in the world actually assumes that having a stranger that close to you wouldn’t scare you at all?

Rolling your eyes, you were about to leave him to his own businesses, and dismissed him sarcastically, “Yes, because everyone in this world doesn’t mind having someone four inches away from themselves. Have a good day--”

“Saeyoung,” he interjected.

“Excuse me?”

Finally pulling himself out of the car, you finally took a full look at him and you almost gasped at how handsome he was. You were surprised seeing as he was so much taller than you. He was wearing a black tank top showing through his opened, white button up shirt, sleeves folded at his elbows. And his hair was a bright vermillion. You had never seen someone with such vibrant hair and from what you could tell, it was his natural hair color. And it looked so fine on him.

“‘Have a good day, Saeyoung,’” he bowed slightly, moving his hand in a rolling motion, as though he were greeting himself even though you were just leaving him. “I think that’s what you meant to say.”

You gave him a side glare, a confused yet stunned expression painted on your face, “You don’t really know how to...uh...be social, do you, Saeyoung?”

Saeyoung awkwardly scratched the back of his head, and shook his head, “I’m really sorry. I hardly get to talk to anyone besides my computer. We got off on the wrong hand didn’t we?”

You confess that maybe you did get slightly defensive unnecessarily and you apologized too. The two of you view the inside of the Mercedes, this time from different doors and from there, you two continued your conversation, you being first to break the ice. “You're right though. She's a beauty and I'm hoping to drive out with one of these today.”

“Good choice. I already have one of these but next year's model,” Saeyoung boasts while you were left dumbstruck. How could he have the next model if this one just came out? Picking up on your confusion, he laughed, “That’s everyone’s reaction. Let’s just say I have connections and a garage with fifteen cars.”

This guy, this tall glass of fruit punch, had it all. At this point you wouldn’t be surprised if he said he was heir to some conglomerate. For a few more minutes, the two of you shared some conversations of over your interests and about cars, and in the end you found he was actually a cool guy. You wouldn’t mind being friends with him. Saeyoung was about to ask you if you wanted to keep talking over some bubble tea or whatever appetized you when a sales representative finally approached.

“Give me an hour and this baby will be mine,” you crow at him in return for bragging about his fifteen some cars. Saeyoung smirked in response and told you he would wait until you came out with your new car.

You thought little of it thinking he was just being friendly to you, but when you left the office with new keys in your hands, you saw that he was still there with headphones over his ears. He really had waited for you and that made you heart swell just the slightest bit. You had grown so used to blowing off others or being the one blown off, so seeing him there gave you joy.

Despite having anxiety about being abandoned, your medication always kept you stable and able to socialize without your fears disturbing you. Saeyoung now said what he was previously planning to say, and asked you out to keep talking over fried chicken and honey bwatda chips since that was what you were hungry for.

You drove out of the dealer with a brilliant and shiny new Mercedes while Saeyoung followed behind you in his own luxury sports car. Since you were in the city, you couldn’t afford to go speeding down the streets but at night you knew you would. You got to know Saeyoung even more, and you found his personality attractive. You felt a magnetic pull to him. His cheeriness and joking aura charmed you in the end. You hadn’t felt this with anyone since you started your therapy sessions years ago and quite honestly you missed this feeling. Then again, you were the one who avoided any possible attachment but with Saeyoung you felt that if you at least remained casual, you wouldn’t be hurt. You also didn’t plan to tell him anytime of your mental issues.

However, you wouldn’t know what to do if the two of you did become serious.

The both of you had a great time on your first date that happened later that weekend after your first encounter with him. You got to know more about each other’s occupations and you became more sociable. You found out he was working as an intelligence specialist under an agency and he learned you were a ballistics analysts for an agency as well. Saeyoung thought to himself that he caught a real smart one and told you that. It was burdensome and embarrassing to have been told that, but you couldn’t help but blush. In fact, you felt like nothing was wrong with you when you blushed. It was like you had become a new person. Although in Saeyoung’s presence you didn’t think much of your dilemma, at home, you stirred at night unable to sleep. You kept asking yourself why you weren’t fearing attachment to him.

And that was what you discussed with your therapist that week. She told you that therapy was working very well and since you were always on top of your medication, you were more in control of your emotions now. So she recommended to lower your dosage gradually until you were off the medication for good. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you had a bad feeling. You felt that one day you would fall back and be consumed by your worries and become violent again. It was your way of protecting yourself. You would rather abandon someone than to be thrown away by that person. You would drive them away like that.

Worst of all, you had no control over yourself. Once your violent outbursts were triggered by fear, it was nearly impossible for you to stop.

You prayed that you wouldn't lose your self control in front of Saeyoung. He really didn't deserve it.

That week you declined a date with Saeyoung because you were still adjusting to no longer using your anxiety medication. For a while, though it felt like an eternity, you would be jittery. You wouldn't eat. You couldn't sleep. You wanted to be with Saeyoung. But he can't see me like this, you thought to yourself as you held a mug a little too tight. Before it could break in your own hand, you lunged it at a wall, letting it shatter and litter the floor.

That became a routine because laying off the medication was not the wisest decision, but your therapist refused to give you another prescription. For now, even though you were anxious and violent, you weren't afraid, and that was progress admittedly. Your therapist told you to give it some time, so everyday you broke one mug, or plate, or cup. And when you ran out of them, you bought some more. As unorthodox as it was, it kept you stable.

You couldn't imagine what would happen the day fear came back into your life, reclaiming its pedestal in your body. You wouldn't let it; you knew that Saeyoung wouldn't throw you away and dispose of you like a used doll.

What you didn't know was that Saeyoung had already tapped into your phone and had already run a background check on you. Through your phone’s microphone, he heard you smashing every single mug. The first few times he was distressed and wanted to run to you, but that would reveal he knew more about you than you thought.. You didn't even know yet where he lived and you hasn't told him your address either.

It was a bad habit of his but it served its purpose as he found out about your therapy sessions too. The night he read about you, he knew he couldn't push you away like he did to everyone else. He didn't want to damage you more than you already were; rather, he wanted to stitch you back up piece by piece until your anxiety was imprisoned. Saeyoung would be doing what he couldn't do for his brother all those years ago. Of course he never made a mention about knowing, but his subtle gestures hinted that he knew something.

Having recuperated your center and grown used to the lack of drugs in your body, you finally cleaned up the mess you had made in your apartment. It took a few hours but you were proud of yourself. Cleaning up the pieces of glass was like picking up the missing pieces in your life.

Saeyoung stopped hearing the sound of shattering glass every day and was sure that you were recovering and moving past your anxiety. He also learned that you had been accused of domestic violence but now he understood where it came from. He began putting two and two together, and it dawned on him that it was just your defensive mechanism because he had read that you feared commitment and attachment.

But both of you knew that you wanted to take it further. You started making an effort to change yourself, and Saeyoung’s subtle gestures were making a difference even if you didn't see it.

After about two months as a casual couple, one date the both of you took deepened your relationship.

It was Saeyoung’s idea to go out and have a little race in the middle of nowhere. Oh he has some creative ideas for dates right? Seeing as you were competitive too, you accepted his challenge. The two of you in separate cars, engines roaring, sped down a deserted highway that day, and adrenaline coursed through your veins. The rush of driving at 100+ miles per hour was so exhilarating that you hadn’t notice you won until you finally came to a stop.

In the end, you came out victorious against the one who even suggested the race and with a smirk you greeted the unfortunate loser. Leaning casually against your car you winked at your boyfriend as he got out of his car and jokingly, relished in his misfortune, “Don't tell me now that you just lost on purpose. Admit it, your girlfriend is a better driver than you.”

As your boyfriend stepped out of his car, he swept his hair back and chuckled at your cocky way of expressing yourself, striding towards you. Saeyoung placed his hands on your waist and closed the space between the two of you. You saw that he was biting his lip as he looked down at you. Since there’s such a height difference between you and Saeyoung, it made you look like an adorable couple. But in that moment, it only increased the tension between you two. He was so close to you and you could feel his heartbeat; you could hear his breathing so closely that you could tell he was still calming down from the rush of racing. Moving a strand of hair from your face with his finger, he admitted, “You know I actually won right?”

Seeing your confused expression, he added in a lower voice, “Because you're my girlfriend.”

You gave him a glance that only said, Tell me more. Honestly you couldn't get enough of his flattery and just waited for Saeyoung to continue as you pulled him closer, your fingers hooked in his belt loops.

“You're beautiful. Competitive. Extremely intelligent. A fighter.”

“I know.”

“We're all alone out here too. No one’s watching us.”

Instead of saying anything, you just closed the gap between the both of you even more.

“And I love you. So so much.”

“I know,” you whispered as though it were a secret. You licked your lips out of habit waiting for Saeyoung to say more.

“Do you?” He asked with an implying tone. You two had grown to know each other so well in the last few months and you knew exactly what he was trying to say. You rise to your tip toes, one hand grasping at his shirt to pull him down to your level, and clashed your lips with his. You felt as Saeyoung caressed your waist, he was also pushing you onto the hood of your car, slowly and gently.

As the kiss became more heated, the sexual tension multiplied, feeling his waist between your legs. Saeyoung bit your lip and loved the sounds you made as you tried to find some breaths in between. It was almost a whining yet pouty sound.

And then the kisses moved on to your neck, making you gasp but wishing for it to never end. He started unbuttoning your shirt all the while grazing your skin with his rough fingers under your tank top. You could feel his heat so close to you and you just pulled him closer to you, desperately craving more of him.

“W-wait,” you whispered and Saeyoung paused. He thought that maybe he was crossing a line but as he was about to pull away from you, you pouted, “I don't want a dent in my baby!”

You were obviously referring to your car.

“Oh my god, MC,” Saeyoung sighed in relief half out of breath with his heart racing. “Ruining the moment much.”

You gave him a devilish smile, with lust clouding your eyes, as you slid off the hood and opened the door to the passenger seat. “I learned it from you, love.”

Saeyoung laughed under his breath thinking that he was right; he had the greatest girlfriend he could ask for. He knew that he made the right choice to never push you away. He watched as you teasingly removed your shirt and jeans, only leaving your translucent tank top on, revealing your body’s curves, and slid into the passenger seat that had readily been adjusted for such an occasion. Saeyoung didn't take long to follow you, allured by your seduction.

Right then and there he left his trace on you that he existed. That was not the last time he left his seal on you, and you never wanted it to stop.

To be continued.