#only ogs will remember the weeks of struggle we had holy

[in-tua-deep]

idk if you still do au ideas but what if delores was a real person in the apocalypse? how it woul dbe done i have no idea but i love all your aus and thought it would be cool

okay okay I don't tend to go for real!Dolores aus admittedly because I find her much more compelling as what she is: a reflection of five himself and a symptom of his crushing loneliness

but i started thinking about it and you know what?? i think five deserves a little socialization, as a treat

so say like, 0.5% of the population is resistant to abilities. Allison would really struggle to rumor them, Five wouldn't be able to jump with them, and, most importantly, whatever the fuck Vanya's ability does has like, reduced damage or something

and the og apocalypse isn't the moon apocalypse, so let's say that it was pure waves of Vanya's powers that fucked over the earth

so 0.5% of the population survives the apocalypse. though, let's be honestly, the real number is a lot smaller than that. People who might have survived Vanya's initial power wave (miraculously) did not survive buildings crushing them or survive the car/plane/bus/train/other transportation crashes or survive being left alone when they are too young to reliably look after themselves, or the variety of other problems that come with 99.5% of the population dying at once

So, Five arrives in the apocalypse and is met with ruin and fire and a whole lot of dead people. He finds his siblings, but it doesn't matter. They're dead. He doesn't even recognize them at first, these strange grown-ups who he identifies not by their faces but by the umbrellas on their wrists that match his own

As he realizes the full impact of his situation, he hears a voice that says, very succinctly, "holy shit!"

It's a girl a few years older than Five himself, maybe 15 or 16, and she is very excited to see another survivor.

And here's where I u-turn this au around bc i'm not all that interested in real!Dolores, but I would be down to talk about Five meeting survivors in the apocalypse, because if Dolores is real I don't buy no one else survived.

So Dolores shows up and see a Literal Child crying over the corpses of his family and assumes that Five is a fellow survivor, and she immediately grabs him up. Five is incoherent with grief at this point anyway, so he doesn't even protest when she basically hauls him away from the bodies. She's babbling at him, but he doesn't really hear anything she's saying

And then she takes him to her dad

(Why not, let's have the 1% potentially be a heritable thing)

and her dad, let's call him just some dad name. like Rick. it has been a fucking WEEK for him, okay. he had his daughter with him, his ex-wife is on the other coast for her work, and by some miracle he survived the apocalypse and so did his child, and he's been wracking his brains trying to figure out what the fuck to do next

and then his daughter shows up with a traumatized thirteen-year-old in tow

now rick is a good dude. he's a dad. they get out of five that his name is five ("what the fuck" dolores mouths to him over five's shoulder and rick can't help but agree) and the bodies he found were his siblings ("Dad and Ben and Vanya weren't there though," this child cries desperately and rick feels his own heart clench in response, "They might still be alive!")

"We can look for them." Rick assures his new adopted child, because he is an adult in a fresh apocalypse and this kid has presumably lost everything he's ever known (more than rick even knows at the time)

and they do. They each get wagons and they go out and find supplies and look for other survivors. Five is... surprisingly helpful and also surprisingly docile as he is able to rely on Someone Else to give orders while he attempts to (dissociate) process what the fuck has happened

and here's the thing: Five prides himself on being independent, sort of. He's independent for a child soldier, but he's used to taking orders from a male authority figure and Rick happens to be just that

The first time that Five does something dangerous and Rick yells is a revelation

(Rick isn't sure if he hopes that Five's dad is alive or not, because if they find that man alive then Rick might just kill the jackass himself. Also like, Five is bizarrely knowledgeable out survival skills, like way too knowledgeable about it, which is helpful for them but also very concerning)

they find a newspaper and Five finds the article that mentions his father's recent death ("Huh. Heart attack." Five says, and there is no emotion in his voice)

(Years later, years later, Five and Rick talk. "I don't think I wanted to find him, either." Five admits, softly because Dolores is asleep, "I think I was more scared of finding him alive than I was of finding his body. He would've been so mad at me, I think.")

this newspaper is how Rick and Dolores find out about Five being Number Five, Umbrella Academy Missing Person

"Dude, what the fuck." Dolores says, wide eyes, "You're like, thirty?"

"I'm thirteen." Five says, and then checks the date on the newspaper again, "Also I think I would technically be 29 if I lived through all of it, 'cause it's April and my birthday is in October."

"You... time travelled?" Rick asks, which is honestly the more relevant question, "Can you go back?"

And Five just,,, crumples on himself. Because he tried, he tried really hard. It didn't work. "I'm gonna figure it out. I'm gonna go back, I'm going to save them."

That, Rick thinks, is a lot of weight to put on one person's shoulders, but especially the shoulders of a child.

"Alright." Rick says, because what else can he say after finding out his new child has superpowers and is from like, 2004? "What do you need?"

("Oh my god I have so many memes to teach you." Dolores says later, reverently. Five blinks in confusion and Rick mentally prepares himself for the recitation of so many vines)

And it's easier, somehow. Five sometimes feels like it's a betrayal, but he settles into apocalypse life with an ease that surprises him.

He lets Rick fuss over him and help tie his scarf securely around his head every morning before he sets off on supply runs with Dolores. And they're kids! Five has never had a friend before, and Dolores is funny and smart and she's struggling just as much as he is.

"I don't know if my mom's alive." She says to him, in solidarity when he checks the face of every corpse to see if they're Vanya.

Five is practical in the way only a child soldier can be. He's economical with the room in their wagons, carefully examining what might and what might not be useful.

Dolores, on the other hand, constantly takes up space with what Five sees as useless shit.

"Excuse you," Dolores says, shoving a game of monopoly, the entire discworld series, and a pack of glitter gel pens into her wagon, "These are absolutely vital apocalypse supplies."

She challenges him, plays with him in a way no one ever has. "I bet you I can find more batteries today than you can," She grins at him, "Winner gets to pick dinner first?"

"You're on." Five says, directly before Dolores pulls two packs of 24 AA batteries from behind her back, like a cheat.

Dolores makes him take a ten minute break when they find a playground that has been mostly not-destroyed. They rummage around kids backpacks and mother's handbags for some good loot, too numb to corpses to even be bothered all that badly about the corpses they belong to.

"I'm getting on the swings." Dolores says when Five starts making noises about moving on, "I haven't been on a swingset in ages."

"What's the point?" Five grumps.

"Don't be sour because you can't swing as high as I can!" Dolores laughs, getting higher and higher as the swings creak ominously.

Five grumpily gets into the other swing and grudgingly kicks himself back and forth until Dolores takes pity on him and teaches him how to properly move his legs and body to get higher and higher.

Dolores jumps from the swing seat and lands with a flourish and smile. Five jumps out of his seat and then jumps, warping right in front of Dolores and making her yell and hit at him in outrage. Five smiles the widest he has all week.

This is how Five grows up in the apocalypse, with Dolores teasing him into taking breaks and leaning over his shoulder to look at his math and scandalizing him by stating that she'd only just started on matrices in her own high school math class.

Every night they huddle around Rick while he picks up whatever book Dolores picked out that day because it is a travesty that Five has never read hunger games or whatever, and then they read together because it would be a genuine blood bath if they all took turns. The first time Five accidentally mentioned a spoiler and Dolores genuinely considered murder was the birthday of this tradition

Some days the air is too smoky or there are dust storms or it's just plain too dangerous to go out, and they all stay in. Dolores regales Five with stories about public school, and Five tells them about his siblings.

Then they all cry

"I shouldn't be crying." Five sobs.

"Shut the fuck up," Dolores sobs back, "You literally watched me lose my shit over remembering my shitty eighth grade dance and listened to me sob-sing toxic for like four hours."

"In fairness I also wished you would shut up then."

"Let me hug you or I will start singing songs that I only remember the chorus for again you absolute fucker."

"I could always sing some -"

"No, Rick/Dad."

And Five grows up. Rick shows him how to shave very carefully in front of cracked mirrors. Dolores teases him every time his voice cracks. Rick tells Five in no uncertain terms that he loves and cares for him, and that Reginald was a little bitch. There are a lot of heartfelt conversations around that, honestly. Rick telling Five that he and the siblings deserved better, that they were children and deserved to have a childhood.

And that he has faith in Five. Rick and Dolores both do, they bring him back paper and pens and pencils and chalk and anything Five can use to write equations. They poke around any libraries for books on theoretical mathematics and quantum physics. Rick and Dolores go out scouting for food while Five stays home and can work longer.

They also make him take breaks, make sure that he's looking after himself.

They're a little better off than OG!Five when it comes to food, because some animals survive. Enough that Rick figures out how to hunt. Five is the first one to each bugs, and even though Dolores makes faces they all start eating bugs as well.

"Pretty sure there's loads of cultures that eat bugs." Rick says grudgingly, wondering if he should try stirfry the cockroaches and if that would improve the taste. "There's even, uh, cricket flour or whatever, right?"

"Plus you eat like, five spiders a year when you're asleep." Dolores says cheerfully, just to watch her dad's face scrunch up in displeasure.

"That doesn't sound true, but I don't know enough about spiders to dispute it." Five mutters, and Dolores gives him such a proud look that it makes him roll his eyes.

They're in their thirties when Rick dies. He's out foraging and hunting, and the rubble he's standing on gives way and he ends up with a gash in his leg. He manages to stop the bleeding, but the world is filthy and they don't have any antibiotics.

He gets an infection.

"It's okay." He tells both of his kids, "It's okay. I'm just so glad that you guys have each other, y'hear? I'm so glad."

"It's not okay." Five says, voice thick and choked, "It's not."

"Yeah, well, you're going to figure out how to go back, right? Go back in time and save everyone. Then I'll have never died, right?" Rick smiles, "And even if you don't, I'll be waiting for you on the other side and we'll see each other again anyway."

"I'm going to fix it."

"I know. I have faith in you, Five." Ricks says honestly, and that's more than Reginald ever said.

They sit quietly together while Dolores is out scavenging. They've been taking turns sitting with Rick.

"I won't remember you, in the past, will I?" Rick says rhetorically, but Five answers anyway.

"I don't think so."

Rick hums, "Well, doesn't matter. If you need help in the past, you come to me, y'hear?"

"You won't remember me."

"Doesn't matter. You come find me, and you tell me your crazy story until I believe you, and then I'll help you." Rick says firmly, "You're family. You're my son. Timelines? Don't matter. If you need help, with anything, even if it's just with - with filling out a bowling team or something -"

"I have never been bowling in my life and you know it." Five interrupts, but it makes him laugh just a little bit which was clearly Rick's intention.

"Well who knows what you'll get up to in the past! You'll be able to go bowling, you know. Get to wear those uncomfortable shoes. Hey, you go far enough back maybe you can go to Dolores's tenth birthday party and put me out of my misery."

"Was she bad at bowling?"

"Oh, she was wiping the floor with me. No contest."

"Honestly, that sounds absolutely accurate."

"Shut up, bowling just wasn't my sport. Regardless, the point was that I'm giving you a free pass to come and get me. Because I know you, I know how you think." Rick brings up his hand to tap his finger against Five's forehead, "You get it into your head that you need to go it alone, take it all on your shoulders. I'm telling you that if you do that I'll somehow manifest my memories and come smack you over the head for being stupid, you hear?"

"I'm not dragging you into anything." Five says firmly, "I'll have my siblings."

"Who were also children." Rick points out. "And dragging? Dragging is such a strong word for a volunteer."

"A volunteer who won't remember volunteering." Five shoots back.

Rick just shrugs, and then winces when the movement jolts his bad leg. "Five, I'm going to be honest with you here. And sappy. Can you handle a bit of sappiness for a minute?"

"No."

"Well too bad. Can't leave a dying man, you'd feel too bad. So you're stuck with me. But you listen good, okay? Because you aren't dragging me into anything. Whatever life you have, I want to have a part of that. Because you're my son. Wherever you are, whatever you do, I want to help because you're family. What you'd be doing by leaving me out of it is depriving me of someone I love, depriving me of knowing one of the best kids I've ever known."

"Shut up." Five says, choked.

"Nope, it's sappy time." Rick states, "Maybe asking you to come find me is selfish, but I don't care. No matter what version of me exists, I want to be in your life."

"My life is a walking joke, why would you want any part of that?"

"It has been my privilege to watch you grow up. To help you. To be here for you. Of course I'd want to be there to watch you grow up the rest of the way."

"But -"

"Shut up, just let me tell you that I am so proud of you. You never give up, and your heart is so big. You love so much and so loudly, and it's been the highest honor of my life to be included in your family."

Five pauses for a moment to collect himself before simply saying - "You're the best dad I've ever had."

Rick snorts, "Considering my competition, I'd sure hope so. That bar was so low old Reggie was practically limbo dancing with the devil. Now get over here and give an old man a hug."

They don't bury Rick, when he dies. They don't have time and the ground is too hard and they don't have the heart to move him. Instead the pack everything up and seal him in the shelter they'd lived in.

Dolores pulls out a bottle of ancient nail polish and painstakingly writes Rick's name on the wall with his birth year and an approximate current year. They aren't 100% sure though, since time blends together out in the apocalypse, but it's something.

They continue by themselves. They get older.

Dolores jokingly calls him her husband because the way his face scrunches up makes her cackle. They see other people very occasionally, usually passing through. Usually groups. Dolores and Five get to flex their hosting skills, though more than one group declines their cockroach stirfry.

("It's a family recipe." Five says with amusement in his eyes that usually manages to drown out old grief.)

"Jeeze, that kid couldn't have been older'n twenty-three." Dolores complains, "Makes me feels positively ancient."

"They wouldn't have known any world 'cept for the apocalypse." Five muses, pouring some boiled water into wine glasses because they might be living in the apocalypse but they can be fancy.

"Do you ever think about that?" Dolores asks, turning to him with no judgement, just curiosity. "When you go back, you'll be like, erasing them from existence."

Five shrugs, "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe this place will just split off into an alternate timeline."

"Maybe none of this is real." Dolores says, amusement coloring her voice. "Maybe you aren't talking to a real person at all. Maybe this is just a symbol of your insanity and cracked mind."

"Dolores, I literally have a scar where you stabbed me. Did I somehow manage to stab myself in the back?"

"Scraped you, I scraped you. By accident."

"So you maintain." Five says haughtily, swirling his water in his wine glass like a pretentious prick.

"I could totally be fake. You don't know my life."

"I know way too much about you, Dolores. Like, way way too much." Five scoffs, because Dolores and him have literally no secrets from one another at this point. Five even knows the truth behind what happened at Janet Scranton's thirteenth birthday party. Like, he said, way too much.

"Maybe you made it up. Maybe that's why you know so much."

"Dolores, I'm going to be honest with you right now." Five presses the tips of his fingers to his chin, "If you were a figment of my imagination, you would be so much better at math."

"Hey!" Dolores squawks indignantly, "I didn't even get to finish high school you pretentious prick!"

"Neither did I!"

"You didn't even go to high school, you brat."

"I'm fifty-two I think I've outgrown 'brat.'"

"Tell that to your attitude." Dolores says haughtily, "You're still younger than me."

"Won't be when I go back in time." Five says cheerfully, completely ignoring Dolores's venomous look.

"That's cheating."

"Sucks to suck." Five says loftily, taking another sip of his water.

Sometimes they talk about The Plan, with capital letters. What Five is going to do when he goes back in time, depending on when he pops out. Is he going to adopt his siblings? What about Reginald?

"You don't think I could kill Reginald?" Five says, holding a hand to his chest in mock offense.

"I think you should let me do it. I'll even give you control of tonight's music if you do."

"What are you doing to do? Bite his ankles? What if you're like, seven or something?"

"All the better to get away with it since I'll be too young to convict or whatever."

"Pretty sure that's not how the law works."

"How would you know? Just for that I'm playing Istanbul on repeat again."

"I don't know why you think that's a threat. That song slaps."

It takes a few more years before Five is close enough that the Commission comes to interfere. Because that's what I think happened - Five was getting too close and they stepped in because they might as well distract the man as much as they can with missions, right?

So the Handler shows up. And she offers Five a job, telling him that they have the ability to travel through time. And Five - hesitates.

"Give me some time?" Five asks, and the Handler graciously gives him 24 hours.

And he and Dolores talk it over, because now that his goal is more in sight than it has ever been and Five is scared.

"What are you waiting for? You have the chance to see your siblings again." Dolores says patiently.

"Yeah," Five says, and what he doesn't say is clear. But I won't see you.

"Five." Dolores says, and she cradles his face between her palms like he is something precious, "I have had so much time with you already. More than I would have ever. We have been so lucky, to have this time. How can I demand more than what we have already been given?"

"When have you ever not demanded the world, Dolores?" Five asks, his own hand coming up to cover Dolores's own.

"We've had decades together, Five. We're getting old. I was always going to lose you, one way or another. Nothing lasts forever."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I know. But if I had to choose a way, if I could decide where our story ends, this would be it. Letting you go, because this way you get to live. You get to see your family again. You get to save the world. I could ask for nothing more than for you to get your happy ending."

Five removes Dolores's hand from his cheek so that he can cradle it between them, "I'm happy here with you. I've never been happier. Isn't that silly? That I was happier in the apocalypse?"

"I bet killing Reggie would make you happy." Dolores laughs rustily.

"One day you're going to see the mysterious disappearance of a famous billionaire in the paper and feel a twinge of satisfaction and now have a clue why." Five laughs as well, shaking his head.

Dolores pats Five's hands, "Five, look at me. We've had our time. And you're going to give me even more of it. More time with my father. More time with my mother. I'll never know it, but you'll have saved me."

"What if this is - what if this is an alternate reality? What if I leave you here alone?"

"Then you'll be saving a 15-year-old girl from the same fate as me. Because as much as I love you, as much as I have loved this time we have had together, this is still an apocalypse. This should never have happened, and if you have a chance to go back and prevent it, then I want you to take that chance with both hands."

"Even if it means leaving you alone?"

Dolores smiles at him, "I'm not going to be alone. Far too many creepy crawlies in the apocalypse for that."

"Shut up, I'm being serious."

"Hmm." Dolores hums consideringly, "Maybe I'll head North, to that new settlement that last group said they'd heard word of. Sure they'd find some use for an old woman who's survived this long in the wilderness."

"You can have my half of the record collection." Five says, pulling her against him into a hug that she easily returns.

"As if I wouldn't have stolen them as soon as you left." She scoffs, but it's a little wet, and Five pretends his own eyes aren't leaking tears.

When The Handler comes back, Dolores gives him another hug. She also slips something into his pocket - some photos. They'd taken it a year into the apocalypse, when Dolores had found an ancient looking polaroid camera and towed it home despite Five's protests about practicality. The photos are worn and faded at the edges, but the smiles on Five's little apocalypse family's faces are undeniable.

"You'll have to see if they magically fade when you change the timeline." Dolores whispers to him with a grin, "Like in the movies."

"Okay." Five whispers back.

"You have the list of movies to watch, right?" Dolores says. Five rolls his eyes and nods because he wrote the list last night into his Vanya-book while Dolores hovered over his shoulder and critiqued his handwriting.

"And you promise to try a proper non-expired twinkie at some point?"

"That I do not promise. I think even looking at one would make me lose my lunch. I have twinkie-trauma."

"Shut up and get going." Dolores says, because the Handler is starting to tap her foot impatiently.

And off Five goes to become an assassin. Though - he's much more gentle this time. He's careful, he doesn't kill children and he usually takes jobs that don't require killing at all. He distracts and manipulates events as much as he can without killing.

He's actually much more well socialized, thanks to Rick and Dolores. Less feral child and more determined man on a mission.

Which is why he's so frustrated when he finally, finally manages to get the equations to work and falls through and falls - directly back into his stupid thirteen-year-old body.

"Shit." Five says, loudly, and revels in the surprised look on his siblings faces.

He strides into the kitchen, and they all follow him like ducklings. They look exactly the way they did when they died.

"Wow this is actually way harder than I thought it would be." Five muses, looking at their dead faces. But as Dolores would say, life is hard but you have to keep on trucking sometimes. "Whatever, what's the date?"

"Five, where have you been?" Diego demands, looking irritated. It makes Five snort in amusement.

"The future. The past. If you want like, an exact list of dates you'll have to hold your horses. I spent like, two weeks in Peru once. No souvenirs though, unfortunately."

They look taken aback, like they didn't expect Five to have quite this much sass. Oops. That is definitely Dolores's influence. Or maybe he was always a little asshole. In fairness, what teenagers aren't tiny assholes? He has an excuse.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Diego's eyebrows are furrowed in anger. It kind of takes Five aback for a second, because he remembers a Diego who stutters when he argued.

"When did you learn the fuck-word?" Five asks, raising an eyebrow before her can help it, "Grace ought to wash your mouth out with soap."

Diego immediately goes red, "Shut up!"

"Wow you're so easy to rile up. Aren't you like, twenty-something? Actually, I could figure out for myself how old you are if you gave me the date."

"I'm twenty-nine." Diego growls, like that was the point.

"Haunting!" Five says cheerfully, because that means there is way less time than he would like, narrowing his time down to a six month window.

It's extremely funny how his cheer makes all of them make faces.

It's Klaus who leans forward, "Why do you need to know?"

Klaus's face is open and curious and - (looks exactly like he did when Five found him all those years ago) - and Five can't help but answer him. "The world end on April 1st, 2019. No it isn't an April Fools joke, yes I have heard that joke like a million different times. I just want to know how close I landed so I can, you know, start working on how to fix that."

"Woah woah woah, roll it back." Allison says, holding a hand up, "What?"

"The apocalypse occurs on April 1st, 2019." Five says, slowly. "I have traveled from afar to prevent this from happening, because like, everyone dies."

"Everyone?" Vanya says weakly from the side.

She's clearly expecting to be ignored, so Five turns his head to address her directly by wiggling his hand back and forth a little. "Sort of. Like, not too many people survive at all. A handful of the human population, you know."

"But you survived?" Diego recovers admirably, if bitingly.

"Well, no." Five says rolling his eyes, "Wouldn't you just know it, Klaus here has managed to figure out a new ability!"

Everyone turns to look at Klaus, who immediately holds up his hands like he's being arrested or something, "I did not!"

"Wonderful! Now that we've established that I'm alive -"

"Why should we trust a word you say?" Luther says for the first time, looking pensive.

Five blinks, genuinely taken aback. "Because... I'm your brother? Because I can clearly and obviously time travel? Like, yeah, it would have been more convenient if I'd arrived in like, my old-body for proof-purposes, but like. I mean. Thirteen is still a pretty convincing age to be to prove time travel considering if I hadn't, I would be like, almost thirty."

"Roll it back again." Allison says firmly, "What do you mean by 'old body'?"

"Great question!" Five says pointing at Allison and smiling. Everyone looks at him weird again, and Five takes a moment to wonder if they've ever experienced positive reinforcement. Knowing Reginald, probably not. "Wait! Is Reggie alive? Wait, no, answer that in a second. Uh. When I time traveled I fucked up my body I guess, I was like, old. White hair and wrinkles-type old from spending decades in the apocalypse. But I fucked up the calculations and got booted back to my thirteen-year-old body, I guess. How, I have no idea."

"What?" Vanya says, still equally weakly.

"You have no idea how fucked up time travel is." Five whispers conspiratorially to Vanya, loud enough for the whole table to hear, "There are so many ways to die. Or permanently tear a hold in space time. But like, with life as we know if ending soon-ish, I figured I couldn't possibly fuck it up worse than it already was, y'know? Speaking of, anyone have the date again?"

"Wait, what was that about dad?" Luther asks, very focused.

"Oh, you still call him dad? Big oof." Five says automatically, because apparently his verbal filter is shot to hell after living with Dolores. It does make Klaus bark out a too-loud laugh.

"What does that mean?" Luther asks aggressively.

"It means Reginald sucks and doesn't deserve the title of 'dad,' what did you think I meant?" Five asks, and now both Diego and Vanya and both cracking smiles, though Vanya is covering hers with a hand.

"Have some respect for the dead." Luther growls, standing up and looking very large and threatening.

Five sways back, craning his head up, "Woah there big buy, sit down before I injure my poor growing spine looking up at you. Jeeze, did Reggie force feed you steroids or something? I wouldn't put it past him but like, I just want to know he at least went over the side effects of the drug with you. Also like, thanks for narrowing it down. Also terrifying! Seriously though, exact date please because if I have less than 24 hours I am going to break down crying and that is a threat."

"I love this Five." Klaus says reverently.

"March 21st." Vanya offers, finally.

"Wow! Terrifying!" Five says, clapping his hands together, "Hate that. Ten days, huh? Well, who wants to get on board the save-the-world express?"

Klaus immediately flings his hand in the air, Five points at his brother appreciatively. "Yes, excellent! I'll take the volunteer in the lovely skirt as my first team member. Any other volunteers?"

"Danke!" Klaus simpers, grinning widely like this is the vest entertainment he's had in weeks.

"I'm not just going to stand here and listen to you badmouth dad and boss us around." Luther slams his hands on the table.

"Well not with that attitude." Five snarks.

Diego raises his hand, "I would like to join team fuck dad as well."

"We can certainly debate team names later." Five says, nodding wisely as Luther gives some sort of scandalized gasp.

"Honestly, I just want to see where this is going." Klaus confesses.

Five shrugs, because he doesn't really care about the reason. "Don't you want to prove me wrong them? Prove what a well-adjusted young man Reginald Hargreeves raised?"

"Shut up." Luther grinds out, looking a moment away from throwing a punch.

"If this is all true, I have to get home." Allison cuts in, looking concerned, "I have - I have a daughter."

"I mean, if you want to give Claire a world to live in then I'd stick around, but that's just me." Five shrugs.

"You know her name?" Allison asks, obviously taken aback.

Five is almost offended, "Uh, yeah. I have her photo as well. Y'all get on like, a bizarre number of gossip magazine covers did you know that?"

Allison manages to outdo herself in terms of being taken aback once more.

There's a beat of silence, and then Five turns, "Vanya? You in?"

"Me?" Vanya blinks, looking shocked. "What can I do?"

"Yeah, what can she do?" Diego asks, crossing his arms and suddenly looking grumpy.

It baffles Five, who scrunches his nose, "Uh, like, a lot? I assume? I mean. I'm going to be honest here, just looking at y'all right now is a lot. In more ways than one! Hashtag trauma and all that, but like, name a single one of you that wouldn't be the most obvious person in the room as soon as you walked into it. Except Vanya, who somehow manages to look like a well adjusted adult, by some miracle."

"Did you just verbally say the word hashtag?" Allison asks, looking so deeply confused.

"More concerned about the trauma he tacked onto there, but y'know, to each their own." Klaus immediately cuts in.

"You think I'm well-adjusted?" Vanya asks, looking oddly touched.

"I would like to direct your attention to Diego's leather pants-scowl combo and Luther's general aura of daddy-issues." Five says pointedly, "I can practically smell the tragic comic book backstory in this room. If I'd jumped back a decade earlier this would have been Batman's wet dream of orphan selection."

"Alright! Game plan!" Five says, waving Diego's knife in his hand.

Diego's hands immediately go to his weird harness looking thing, "Hey!"

"Give me just one moment to get the tracker out." Five rolls his eyes, "Then I'll give it back, I promise. Also if someone could ask Grace for like, some antibiotics that would be good."

"What?" Allison asks, directly before Five stabs himself and there is suddenly panic at the table.

"Relax!" Five says, allowing Diego to remove the knife from his hands. He doesn't need it anyway and his hand immediately drops down to root in the wound.

"Five what the fuck!" Diego yells, but Five just pulls up bloody fingers and waves the tracker into Diego's stupefied face.

"What the fuck is that, Five?" Allison demands, looking very shaken.

"I literally just said it was a tracker." Five points out, "Now, I think our first team activity should be voting on whether we destroy it or take it out to bumfuck nowhere and ditch it to confuse the Commission."

"What the fuck is the Commission?" Diego barks.

"Man. Maybe I should just hit up Rick." Five muses, "This is going to take so much explaining."

"Who is Rick."

"So much explaining."

[iaintyourbro]

Let’s Talk About... On the Way to a Smile: Case of Tifa and The Kids are Alright: A Turks Side Story

Yes, I couldn’t sleep... again. I’ve gotten good at staying up two days at a time. Then sleeping and going back to it. I suppose it’s the quarantine... Which is only going to get worse it seems...

In any case, I finally got to read Case of Tifa... and... if you came out of that thinking they weren’t a thing... I don’t know what to tell you. I honestly went in to it expecting it to seem very ambiguous and very non-Cloti (in a sense). 

What struck me, first of all is the amount of guilt Tifa talks about having. Tifa seems to be just as bad as Cloud is, she just deals with it differently. Oddly enough, Cloud doesn’t show that much guilt immediately. Tifa is the one who is struggling with this major guilt initially. 

So let’s start with some screenshots (pictures?) I took of excerpts I found interesting. Some I’m sure you’ve seen before. 

Here we have Tifa talking about the guilt. She also feels insanely guilty for what happened to not only Aerith, but everything else that happened (Sector 7 Plate Drop/Avalanche). The other weird thing about this... and this is legit at the end of the OG... she almost is convincing herself that she should stay alive. I found a lot of sadness in that. And it’s not because of anything Cloud did. No... actually I think that’s what snaps her out of it. 

Of course we have a smiling Cloud. You’re going to see Cloud smiles... a lot... and he laughs too, which I really hope they show him laughing because I don’t know what it sounds like... 

I’m sure everyone has seen this. It’s the next page after Tifa calls Cloud out on his bright dork smile he’s giving. I mean he fucking says he has her. And that he knows what that means. 

I... I don’t know how you can’t take this in a romantic sense. Maybe because the guy barely smiles so to me this is massive. Maybe because he had a hell of a time telling her anything down Under the Highwind. I don’t know. But this seems like something that’s profound to tell a person. That’s the end of that section (teases - perfect moment for a kiss). 

I like the “What about you? Are you okay?” Strikes me as something we saw in Chapter 17 when you first get control of Tifa and Aerith, right? “What about you, Tifa? How are you doing?”

Tifa loses it, crying. Guilt, guilt, guilt. They talk more about Tifa’s guilt than they do Cloud’s guilt. Cloud comforts her here. Another profound thing at this point, but... we are seeing him do this in Remake already. The hug is the major one... 

But things like when he grabs her from having a crate fall on her... he could have pulled her out of the way and let her go or pushed her (like Leslie does in the sewers). No, he holds on to her. She actually is the first one to let go here. (Look how cute they are PSPSPSPSPSPSPS)

So this whole part just cracks me up. For one, it shows that these three were busy doing stuff together and slept under the plate, even though it could collapse. 

I HOPE WE GET A GODDAMN VISUAL OF THIS. Barret making happy Cloud and Tifa drinks? LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF?!  Barret talking about his past?!

“The other two [Cloud and Tifa] couldn’t remember the last time they’d laughed so much.” 

Let’s be real... probably when they were like 14 - maybe. 

There’s also a part later down that I didn’t get where Barret makes fun of them for getting trashed during this night. I would kill to ALSO see that. 

But... laughing, drunk Cloud? Laughing, drunk Tifa? Plz. 

Happy... sounds like the correct term.

Now there are moments as time goes on - mainly after the bar is open - where Tifa thinks about once the bar gets ready, is Cloud going to leave...

This is where I think people take it as they’re nothing. Tifa I think just has a very hard time accepting that not everything is going to be taken away from her. The impression I got from reading this is it was all in her head. Cloud himself gave no indication that he wanted to leave. (The Geostigma catalyst is later)

And here’s why I said I got no feeling that Cloud wanted to leave. (Oh here’s more about Tifa’s guilt). Above this, Marlene says Cloud and Tifa can be her parents and the two look at each other. Cloud doesn’t look away. Cloud also says Awesome with conviction. Looks at Tifa almost to confirm it’s okay... but these two like to talk without words. I think he knew she was getting nervous, so this was his way of saying “See? I’m not going anywhere?” 

Marlene gave him a nice little assist here so he didn’t have to say anything and Tifa didn’t have to ask. 

Tifa, I think, was already going through her major guilt turmoil - she had an immediate reaction to it. I think she knew, deep down, that Cloud eventually WOULD have this problem, and when she sees the slip from Elmyra for the Forgotten City, I think she knew that was the catalyst. 

“Stop worrying about what they were to each other.” I’ve seen a lot of jokes, mostly on Japanese Twitter posts, that Cloud assumed Tifa was his girlfriend. Like, he didn’t realize he needed to tell her that. I read a post about this somewhere too, that they got the impression Cloud (in the land of Cloud’s mind...) got was that Tifa was his girlfriend and knew this. I’m not sure if it’s because of Under the Highwind, I don’t know if it’s because he pulled the same shit on her and talked to her while she was sleeping. I have no idea. 

To me, Cloud and Tifa don’t have to say they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. It seems kind of funny after all they’ve been through. They’re almost like extensions of each other at this point. 

Okay so the above is from The Kids are Alright. Evan goes to see Tifa at the bar because he just saw Cloud and needs to get to Nibelheim. And Cloud tells him to talk to Tifa. 

I have to laugh about this Evan staring at chest line... lololol

Let’s talk about how she describes Aerith. “Friend doesn’t do her justice.”

...Did Tifa have romantic feelings for Aerith? Probably not (though we’d all be fine with it because Aerti is adorable). @holysmotez​ Made a very good post about how Aerith can be seen more as a holy/religious figure. I think Tifa saying this really does enforce that with me as well. 

Also this is the part where you find out there’s blackmail pictures of all three of them in the dresses: Cloud, Tifa, and Aerith. 

But I marked an interesting one - “I’ll be fine. And I’ve got Cloud, too.” She sounded confident.

Now, I was blowing through this at this point. I will go back and do a normal reading of it, but after this, Kyrie and Evan go on a journey round the world it feels like. There’s Nibelheim talk. They talk about some of the people who were killed during the Reunion and are found at the northern crater. 

And here is the end of The Kids are Alright. 

Cloud tells Evan that they’re a family. 

This is AT THE END OF AC when the church is being utilized as a way to heal folks. On thing that also seems odd... A lot of people were under the impression that Cloud disappeared for months... but it was like a week. Tifa blows him a kissy kissy at the end of the movie, then apparently walks up with him and the kids to see Evan and Kyrie - very family like. 

I also did not get any jealousy vibes from Tifa and no I’m hiding this cuz Aerith feelings from Cloud.

The part where he tells her where he found Denzel felt more like he knew she was worried about him closing in on himself again (which he already was anyway), but her reaction didn’t come off as she felt jealous nor that she felt he was hiding it cuz feelings. She wanted to go cuz she wanted to go and be with him and maybe feel her friend (more than friend) there.

I got the same feeling as I did when he was taking extra jobs to get extra money for his bike. Like I should have told you I was there, and it wasn’t really planned. I think he was praying or whatever the equivalent would be. He was feeling guilty, going down a bad path... because he wasn’t just visiting the church in AC. He also was visiting Zack’s grave. I mean, he let the Buster Sword rust to hell out there. (Angeal knows what you did, Cloud.)

So here’s how I feel after reading this, and now I do think that Remake is setting this up better.

Aerith is the same type of person to Cloud and Tifa. They both feel the same way about her. She feels the same way about them. It’s different than a simple friendship, but it’s not romantic. Spiritual is a good way to describe this. 

There is the part where Aerith says Cloud was more than a friend, for she had loved him. By itself I’d say holy shit, wow, Aerith had romantic feelings for Cloud. After reading the rest of this, thinking of the OG, AC, CC, and Remake - yes, she loved him - but not like she loved Zack - she loved Cloud as a special person, not in a romantic sense. I think she almost felt like she had to protect him, because in this same part when she says she loved him, she also says she knows he has almost a delicate heart, but also needed to find a way to warn him about the shit about to go down. 

I think if you asked Aerith about Tifa, she’d say she loved Tifa too. I think OG didn’t do a good job of building up the Tifa and Aerith friendship to show exactly how important she really was to the whole thing, but time constraints, technology, whatever, a lot of games in the 90s suffered from this type of shit. Get the game out! We’ll figure out the rest later...

This also does not talk about Cloud’s feelings on Aerith. The only indicator we really get in this is that Cloud felt guilty that he could not protect Aerith. 

My guess is he told Tifa this at one point, probably during one of the conversations that she needed his help to stay strong. That’s not romance. He felt obligated to protect her because he was supposed to be her bodyguard, but beyond that, he just protects people. He doesn’t have to be madly in love with them. There’s a difference in how he reacts to her death and Tifa’s simulated death. Cloud is able to function, fight Jenova, and carry her off to drop her off in the lake. 

Tifa’s he completely starts to freak. We see what he does in Nibelheim and overtakes Sephiroth. I am not sure what would have happened if Sephiroth didn’t stab him and Tifa had died at that point... I really don’t know. 

In any case, you should go read these novels too. The Kids are Alright has Kyrie and Leslie in it. Evan I’m sure we will see at some point soon.

Don’t be afraid to read them... I was because of shit information online, so I hope this puts you at ease.

Oh, Barret and Cid have a conversation about Cloud and Tifa being together too... 

[secret-engima]

*raises hand and waves it madly* I WANNA HEAR BOUT THE OG NOCTIS TIME TRAVEL VERSE!!! You've got /seven chapters/ completed already?! Can we get snips of them, pretty pretty pretty please?

SNIPS!!!! Gladly. :D Have a sneak peak at some of the time-travelers waking up in the past rather- abruptly. >:DD

...

     He pulled instinctively on air even though he knew nothing would happen —the Crystal was gone and magic no longer existed— and was astonished when he felt a familiar dagger hilt materialize in his left palm. What in the name of the Astrals? That … should not have worked. It hadn’t worked for the past two weeks, so why was he able to call one of his lost daggers now when all of the weapons he had sheathed on his body —and his original clothes too— were missing?

     He was beginning to think that he was missing a very large and very important chunk of time in his memories. Though why an enemy would change him into silk pajamas —he was surprised silk even existed anymore, it was so fragile and easily degraded— was beyond his understanding at the moment.

     Ignis managed to find his way to the door, nearly stumbling several times as he misjudged his legs’ capabilities and overbalanced, which almost caused him to knock into the other obstructions in the room —a chair with a fully functional cushion, a low coffee table, and the edge of a carpet—. Silently cursing his loss of soundless movement —or competent, well-balanced movement at all— he managed to locate the doorknob and test it. 

     It was locked, but only by a simple doorknob latch, which he promptly turned. Testing the knob again to confirm it was now unlocked, Ignis listened hard for sounds of anyone nearby and —after determining that his section of whatever-this-building-was was otherwise unoccupied— he yanked open the door.

     He promptly screamed in shock and fell back, hyperventilating in renewed panic as he scrambled to make sense of the sudden, agonizing assault to his senses. His eyelids screwed shut and his right arm flew up to cover the lids, granting merciful darkness that was only interrupted by dancing, flickering spots of color that he knew weren’t real. It was only after he had realized what he had just thought that he stopped breathing entirely and went deathly still.

     There had been something other than darkness. Something noticeably different from the darkness that had been his companion and enemy and ally all at once for ten years.

     He lowered his arm and cautiously slitted his eyelids. He swallowed back another cry and slammed them shut again when he was assaulted a second time by the brilliant light spilling in from the doorway. His breathing had restarted, but he had to struggle to keep it even marginally steady as realization and disbelief warred in his mind.

     Light. The pain had come from his eyes —eyes that shouldn’t feel anything anymore, hadn’t for years because the nerves were too damaged— because of too bright a light. Even pointing his face directly at the sunrise with his glasses off did not garner that kind of reaction. Nothing did. Except now.

     Ignis attempted to open his eyes for a third time and managed to keep them open again despite the stabbing pain it caused in the back of his head. He stumbled out into the light, eyes flicking back and forth as he tried and failed to process the fact that there were now colors to the shapes he sensed in front and around him. There were shadows and contrast and detailed shapes and pinpoint locations despite the fact that he hadn’t touched anything other than the wall —the only thing keeping him upright now— and- and-

     By the Astrals he could see.

...

     Pain in his entire body, but mostly in his left shoulder and arm. It throbbed and pulsed and in general felt like a voretooth pack had just used him as a chew toy. It was bad, but not as bad as before, when the fire of those ancient smug sons of- —no, better not finish that thought, they might be listening in somehow and decide to finish cooking him for his impudence— had burned up his arm and body and-

     Wait a second.

     Someone was grabbing him, shaking his shoulder —not the broken one thankfully, but it still hurt like blazes— and shouting at him from far away. Concussed then. Really concussed. I should probably stay awake then. Except he couldn’t stay awake because he was dead, wasn’t he?

     He had to be. He remembered dying. So why-?

     He cracked open his eyes and stared dazedly at the figures crowding around him, shouting and shaking and gesturing at each other in clear confusion and concern. He recognized most of the faces as people who were dead too. Which meant he was dead, but for some reason arriving in the afterlife felt like being run over by a behemoth or falling from several stories up after a failed warp.

     Not fair. He groused mentally. He’d had enough concussions and broken bones and throbbing body-sized bruises in life thank-you-very-much, he really didn’t think he deserved them in death. Especially after how he’d died. Someone slapped his cheek and he hazily opened his eyes again —when had he closed them?— and tried to focus on the face of his best friend directly above him. He felt a swoop of dread upon seeing that face, because that particular friend wasn’t supposed to be dead, he had an important mission to complete and couldn’t afford to be dead.

     He was fairly certain he must have whined something along those lines through clenched teeth, because the face above his turned incredulous, then absolutely terrified. He wanted to protest that the expression on his friend’s face really wasn’t helping his case, but then blackness encroached his vision and he realized that passing out from pain was apparently a thing in the afterlife as much as normal life.

     His final thought was that if this was the afterlife, he would like a refund to go be a disembodied ghost instead please. You couldn’t hurt if you didn’t have a body, right?

     Though, knowing his luck, ghosts probably had perpetual motion sickness from floating all the time. Which would explain the moaning…

     Then blackness finally won out over the frantic yelling and painful shaking of his shoulders and cut off his thoughts before they could get any more nonsensical.

... (and another snip of Nyx and the holy puppy for good measure XD)

     “Who is Pryna anyway?”

     “She should still be at your location, she is the one who gave you the letter.”

     “Sorry, Princess, but I found the letter wrapped up in a silk bracelet tied to a puppy’s leg.”

     “I know, the puppy of which you speak is Pryna.”

     Nyx looked incredulously at the white pup he had been absently petting, “You’re joking.”

     “I am not. Pryna may look and act like a dog, but she is actually a Messenger, one of the first with which I ever formed a covenant. She is far more intelligent than she looks, and she is able to discern between those who hold future memories and those who do not.”

     Nyx stared down for a long time at the dog he’d just been scratching the ears of. The dog —Messenger? Pryna?— looked back up at him and barked softly, “A Messenger.”

     “Yes.”

     “A magical being sent specifically to bear messages from the Astrals themselves to humans.”

     “That is one of a Messenger’s primary duties, yes. Though Pryna and her brother Umbra are of a … lower rank, I suppose you could say, of Messenger. That is why her form is animal rather than human. As such, her duties are not so much to bear messages from the Astrals as is it is to aid me in my duties as I require. That includes delivering important messages to other humans when I cannot contact them via conventional means. Her magic is how she found you.”

     Nyx very carefully closed his eyes, counted to ten, opened them and took a quick swallow from his shot glass, “You had a magical being break into my apartment to give me a letter. In the form of a puppy.”

     “Did she? My apologies. Messengers sometimes have trouble recalling the rules of human privacy when they are given a task, and Pryna is very young by their standards.”

     Nyx debated asking what the age standards of Messengers were, then decided that he was better off not knowing, “I pet her.”

     The princess sounded amused, “That is alright. She has the form of a dog, that includes several of their instincts and the things they find pleasurable. You may continue to pet her if you wish, she will not mind.”

     Nyx held a staring contest with the magical dog that had broken into his apartment before he sighed and resumed scratching her ears.

[krytus]

og paladins + language barriers bc i’m tired of photoshop

i imagine the og paladins had to learn each other’s languages and Nutbutton.png

alfor probably took the initiate first bc he’s a nice guy and a good diplomat. he started learning from his translator and then blaytz would not be one-upped and gyrgan and trigel sort of got sucked up in the excitement.

coran, showering: blaytz, opening the curtain: coran, would—stop screaming—would you teach me altean?

zarkon was the hardest to convince bc damn do the galra have pride.

no but really he only did it because he felt that the other four were gossiping about him behind his back.

Not Saying they get together each week to watch altean novelas but you know they did 

“why do we always watch altean things” “have you seen galra tv it’s 95% propaganda”

yes there’s a Galra TV Drinking Game bc holy shit is it all repetitive

trigel almost stops midbattle bc she can’t remember one goddamn word and it’s driving her crazy.

“hey, blaytz what’s the name of that large animal that nearly ran you over last week.” blaytz, dodging enemies, “i’m not answering that.” trigel, effortlessly causing two opponents to crash together, “come on!” “do you really think i stopped to ask for its name while it was chasing me down?” 

“gyrgan c’mon i know you and your people have some of the best curse words out there leak them”

Some Magical Shit Happens and the og paladins somehow lose the ability to speak each other’s tongues and it’s just one really long and frustrating game of charades and zarkon drives his lion straight into a cliff out of sheer frustration.

drunk paladins switching between languages and laughing and having a good time

the og paladins vs the galran language: a saga

“what does that say, alfor” alfor leans in, shrugs. “i don’t know” “but you speak galran” “yeah, doesn’t mean i know how to read it have you seen the galran alphabets”

trigel: zarkon why is there no galran word for lesbian you need to fix this immediately

“zarkon, why is it that there are ten different galran phrases for ‘glorious death in battle’—each with a slightly difference connotation, mind you—but there’s no direct translation for ‘pillow’?”

zarkon, trying to learn all the different names for all the different articles of clothing alteans wear: alfor your people are so soft alfor, struggling through the tenth volume of the galran history of war book: yeah that’s fair

they sometimes borrow phrases from each other and since they’re sort of heads of state the phrases get disseminated down and it’s like a really risky game of telephone that might cause an intergalatic war

blaytz: and then gyrgan took the robot’s head clean off with his hands, and—

zarkon: we have a phrase for that trigel, without hesitation: of course you do

coran, to allura, immediately after learning that not only are the new paladins all the same species, but they all speak the same language: holy shit this is going to be so much easier we might actually live through this

[lyzande]

ebarg thoughts - my swan song

just some shitty thoughts that I need to vent

I honestly don’t know how to start this, or what even to write. Where should I begin? How should I spin this tale? What will the ending be?

I’ve been struggling with formulating coherent thoughts over the last few weeks and months, and honestly, I can’t be fucked to start pulling myself together. Putting aside my academic obligations, thinking itself - in a logical, calm, and sensible manner - has become a huge burden. Even with the academic strain, I have struggled to perform and study up to the standards that I should be performing at. 

This year has been ridiculously tough on all of us. At the beginning of 2020, no one could have ever predicted the shitty predicament that we would be in, from the very first month of the year.

I have to say, it’s fucking shitty that I’m in this state of mind once again. I’ve worked so hard to pull myself together back in 2018, and honestly, I managed pretty well in holding myself together all throughout the year of 2019.

I suppose I should reflect on my mental state from the beginning. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with this bullshit internally for nearly seven years, by my most gracious estimate. Although, I hesitate in claiming anything since I have not been diagnosed or even talked to any mental health professional. But, you know, at the risk of misdiagnosis, I have done research, bounced ideas off of different sound boards, ie. the people who I value in my life, and their opinions thereabout.

Having established my fragile state of mind, things could only get worse by the end of 2017. In my third year of college, I was elected to be an officer of our mother org, which I had no experience in at all. It’s not a surprise that there were a lot of struggles that faced me, a lazy procrastinator with whimsical ideas about life who was suddenly handed the responsibilities of a secretary. I did my best, or so I’d like to think, but it wasn’t enough to meet the standards which I should have worked at. I failed. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit. I failed horribly. I tried to learn as best I can from my failures, and I’d like to think that I may have improved from that. 

At the same time, by the end of the semester, I had failed one of my subjects due to my own irresponsibility. I really don’t want to get into it but I accepted everything that happened. It was one of the only times that I broke down in school. I remember, 2017 was the year that two of my dearest friends saved me. To this day, I still love them unconditionally because at my worst, they were there, and at my best, they were the reason.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-2018, the end of our third year in college. By that time, I had lost my love for our org and had started spending more time with another. Although I did not neglect my duties, I had only given the bare minimum. I struggled with a few but our efforts were not enough to salvage the dumpster fire that was our responsibility. Again, I learned and I promised to never make the same mistakes again.

Enter our fourth year of college. It was the year where we had to finish our thesis, finish our internship and pass our other academic requirements in order to graduate. On top of that, I was appointed as the managing editor of our college paper. I was elected into the minor position of PIO within out college subcouncil. I was elected to be the President of our University’s student volunteerism organization. I don’t know if I’ve stressed this enough but I was not a responsible student. I resented my course. I chose neither Accountancy nor Accounting Management, and out of spite, I neglected my academics.

I struggled with juggling my other responsibilities on top of trying to have a social life. So it was a month into our fourth year that I tried to kill myself. I have already been actively selfharming for a few months by then, and it all peaked when I has one shitty night, and I drank a betsin cocktail of my own making. But I was stupid and I didnt have nearly enough to even give me a stomach ache. I probably should have gone for an overdose or something.

But to my shame, I didn’t die. I dont think anyone even knew what I attempted. I was lucky. A few weeks later, we had a team building activity, which I attended with some of my closest friends. They saved my shitty self again that day. For the first fucking time, i saw what I’ve been blind to for such a long time. I had people that actually fucking cared about me. I could not lose them. I’ve pulled my shit together. A friend made me promise to stop selfharming, and honestly, I was pretty good at keeping that promise.

Fast forward to mid-2019, I guess. My family had already decided I was going to be enrolled into law school. I’ve been struggling with the idea, I was willing but I wasn’t quite sure. Nevertheless, I pursued it. It was an amazing first sem, honestly. I met a lot of great people. I made a new family. We all went through the same struggles and joys. It was a whole new unique experience. By this point, I was in a pretty good mental state. I was stable. I made a promise to myself that I’d actually be making an effort, academically-speaking.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. On top of the already harsh standards demanded by law school, there were external stressors. Everyone has struggles in law school. Everyone had their own problems. These were mine: family expectations, distorted self-worth and self-view, struggling social life, and I was missing my first family - my closest friends.

Fast forward again to 2020, and holy shit. What a fucking year. It isn’t even over yet. Taal volcano exploded. Tried to help around in the ways I can. Still studying diligently. Then covid happened. Quarantine and lockdown enforced. That was a whole other struggle. Everyone had to adjust to learning on their own and thru online means. Still, it wasn’t too bad. We missed each other’s company but we managed somehow.

Having been in a stable headspace for the past n months, I decided to get back into the dating and social scene. Being the haliparot that I am, I made landi like it was going out of fashion. It was fun. Met a few people, got watered, figuratively speakin, y’all know what I’m saying? But then fucking shitty people making shitty decisions. Engineers are ghosters, y’all can’t change my mind. Engineer, if you ever read this for some reason, fuck you. (but if you want, I’m still head over heels for you, you shitty fucking fuck)

ANYWAY. Around July or August, my mom got sick. She struggled with her health. Those few weeks that she was out of commission was tough. She’s the only person working in our household, so we all depended on her income. I wanted to drop out and work, because I needed to help my parents. But I kept studying because sayang naman daw if I wasted my time. Im a full time student, being supported by my family. They wanted me to focus on studying. So I did.

Then about a month or so ago, my dad got sick. He can’t get up without getting dizzy. At first it was just blood pressure issues, which became blood sugar issued but now, apparently, it’s some fucking brain issues. My cousins have been covering the medical expenses and honestly, we’re struggling so fucking hard to live right now. I really want to drop out of school and work, just so we can have stable income but with this shitty situation we’re in? holy shit

the past few weeks have been a struggle. academic burn out. social burn out. i’ve been contemplating selfharm again. i want to die. my body is giving up on me. everything is hurting. i cant talk to any of my friends because im scare. i know i can rely on them but im so fucking scared. im becoming naother huge disappointment. im falling into a pit of my own making. i dont know what to do. i cant focus on my studies. im performing subpar. i need to support my family. my social life is dead. my heart is broken. im doing my best but my best right now? it’s worth shit.

im trying to pull myself together but i dont know where im at right now

im trying to reach out but i know how much people are also struggling and i dont wanna take away their time and effort

trying to look for work but im abrely qualified

constant headaches and body aches

my heart is still crying for him

my soul is condemned to eternal suffering

our society is falling apart

our economy is fucked

history is repeating itself

politics is bonkers

people are dying

i dont know what the shit is oging on

i want to die

i want to live

i want to survive

i miss my friends

i miss my fmaily

im tired

im so fucking tired

i dont know what to do

i just want to die