#only felt fitting to get some Taylor swift quotes in here

[ijustdontlikepeople]

Jamie Drysdale, Philadelphia Flyer

(TrevorJamie x Taylor Swift)

[kylieswift31]

Your post about Abigail, over half of it doesn't make sense, and it made me realise that Taylor's lyrics and easter eggs, etc, can be bent and twisted to fit whatever muse people want. That Taylor is the only person who actually knows who her muse is. And we won't find out who it is until she tells us if she ever does. So thanks for nothing.

Posts like this that introduce a new concept or topic are not designed to be easily understood by everyone else, they’re a chance for me to zoom in on a topic and info dump by sharing a lot of idea and thoughts at once before zooming out again to share new posts like this one that connect back to this main topic.

I knew that my first muse post would be controversial because I was introducing a new muse possibility that challenges the foundation of every other muse that others are already invested in. It’s important for all of us to understand that we could be wrong because we don’t know Taylor personally. This blog is a place for me to share my own thoughts and ideas with others, as well as an invitation to go off and do your own research. For example, try looking up what an unreliable narrator is and find some examples in the books you’ve or movies that you’ve seen before. Or perhaps try watching the Truman show a few times and see what patterns you pick up on. If you disagree with the references to quotes from interviews then go back and watch them for yourself. I’m not here to hold your hand and walk you through this particular post step by step if you disagree with me. It’s written in a way that’s designed to allow you to understand more and more if you keep coming back to it after investigating pieces of it until you can see how they intersect to create the bigger picture.

When I became more invested in the gaylor lore a lot of the theories surrounding muses felt too rigid because everyone seemed to be repeating the same interpretations as facts. Instead of following along with everyone else I started going through Taylor’s music, music videos and interviews and tried to remain as unbiased as possible as I came to my own conclusions as I viewed every character in Taylor’s story as a version of Taylor with no intention of delving into muses. Eventually it became apparent that there was a third main character that represented Taylor’s muse. I needed to lay all of my cards out on the table to announce that Abigail was my own personal prediction of who Taylor’s muse could be so that I can delve into differentiating between Taylor, Taylor™ and her muse. My future posts are bound to challenge the foundation of other muses, but if you’re willing to consider that I might be right about this one I’d like to invite you to learn about the tale of the blind doctors and the elephant.

“You don’t know what you don’t know” 🐘

We’re all invested in different specialties that branch off from the one thing we all have in common, believing Taylor is part of the LGBTQIA+ community. As we process our ideas out loud we’re all bound to get some things right, take it too far at times, or find something that others might not be ready to see for themselves. Expecting everything that’s shared to be digestible facts for gaylors focused on other branches of gaylor lore just hinders the collaborative process for those invested in the same branch of gaylor lore that you are. Sometimes we need to zoom in on an idea and put all our cards on the table so that we can then zoom back out to see what fits in with the bigger picture. Being open to new ideas and having grace for those you disagree with allows us all to stay focused on the one thing we have in common, Taylor Swift. 🌈

[burgundybmw]

You Belong With Me

MASTERLIST

Pairing: Nancy Wheeler x Fem!Henderson!Reader , Nancy Wheeler x Jonathan Byers (Temporarily)

Word Count: 7,334

Warnings: Love Triangle, Jonathan slander (I love him as Will's brother, but hate him as Nancy's boyfriend), and I think that's it?

Summary: Barbara Holland, Nancy Wheeler, and Y/N Henderson were the closest of friends growing up. They had sleepovers, braided each others hair, and spent hours talking and giggling on the phone. Y/N loved Barbara, and so did Nancy, but the two girls always had a rather intense friendship beyond the trio. That all changed when Barbara died, and it only got worse when Nancy started dating Jonathan. You see, Y/N Henderson was in love with Nancy Wheeler, and seeing her with Jonathan Byers ate her up inside. Their friendship was doomed from the moment she saw how she looked at him.

Over a year passes and Y/N makes new friends, tries to forget about the girl she spent years dreaming about. She gets a job at the ice cream shop in the mall alongside her new best friend Robin, a girl who understands what's she's going through, and Steve, the ex-boyfriend of the love of her life. Y/N wishes that was the strangest thing that happened to her that summer, but Hawkins always has a bad habit of bringing back stranger things.

Author's Note: I saw a trend on TikTok where you use a bunch of filters and write a fic based on what you get. Here were my results: Sibling- Dustin Henderson/ Love Interest- Nancy Wheeler / Best Friend- Robin Buckley / Rival- Upside Down Monsters / Trope- Love Triangle / Other Person In Love Triangle- Jonathan Byers / Random AO3 Tag- Hurt/Comfort / Random Quote- “he always had been, and always will be, somewhat of a menace to society” / Taylor Swift Song Inspo- You Belong With Me /

This is the fic that resulted in those filters, hope you guys enjoy! Also I'm an idiot and accidentally deleted the original post, whoops! Thankfully I saved it on Word!

Scoops Ahoy wasn't a terrible summer job. There were some good benefits, like free ice cream, and getting paid to hang out with her best friend. There were some not so good benefits, like dealing with rude customers, and wearing that stupid sailor hat. However, the one thing that Y/N Henderson thought about the most was seeing Nancy Wheeler with her boyfriend Jonathan Byers, pointedly avoiding looking into the mall's frozen confectionery joint. Whether that was a benefit or not was still up for debate.

The thing was, Y/N hadn't spoken to Nancy in eight months. If you were to ask her two years ago, she'd tell you that you were crazy. Y/N and Nancy were best friends, closer than blood, but that wasn't the case anymore. They stopped being that close after Barb died, and they stopped speaking all together when Nancy told her she was dating Jonathan. Y/N could remember the fight like it was yesterday, the day her heart shattered in a million tiny pieces.

"What the hell are you talking about?! I thought you were dating Steve! When did this happen?!" Y/N was so confused, Nancy had been giving her radio silence since Halloween. They had gotten into a brief argument when Y/N said she wanted to go to Trina's Halloween party. Nancy had thrown a fit, told her not to go. She didn't understand why she was so upset. It was just a lame high school party. Nancy said the last time she went to a party with a friend Barb died, and that shut her up real quick. Both girls held onto the guilt of their friend's death. Nancy for hooking up with Steve and asking Barb to leave, and Y/N for refusing to go in the first place. This fight wasn't like the last one, this felt more personal to Y/N.

"I don't see why you're so mad. Why do you even care that I'm dating Jonathan now?" Nancy replied, rolling her big doe eyes at her. They were in Nancy's room, she asked Y/N to come over that morning to talk. She didn't know what she was walking into when she crossed the threshold of the Wheeler house, but this certainly wasn't it.

"Um, maybe because he took creepy pictures of you half naked?! I mean holy shit Nancy, that's so wrong!" Steve might have been a tool, but he wasn't a creepy stalker. Y/N remembers watching Steve break Jonathan's camera after he found out about the pictures. Nancy got so mad at him for it, and for the life of her Y/N didn't stand why. If Nancy was her girlfriend she would have punched Jonathan square in the face for invading her privacy like that, but Nancy wasn't her girlfriend, and never would be.

"He apologized for that..." Nancy started before Y/N interrupted her.

"Ugh, barely! And you forgave him way too quickly for it. That was such gross boy behavior I can't even begin to tell you. Also, pretty sure it's very fucking illegal." Y/N really should have known better. Nancy had been giving hints about Jonathan for the past year, telling her he wasn't so bad. It didn't matter, she would never forgive him for what he did. The only reason she forgave Steve was because he didn't actually spray paint that garbage on the theater, and cleaned it up himself after dropping Tommy H and Carol as friends. The fact that he let her punch him in the face too helped.

"He wasn't trying to take naked pictures of me, he was trying to find his brother." She was still trying to defend it, like that was a totally reasonable thing to do.

"He still did it though! And he developed the photos anyway! How can you not only justify that, but defend it! Besides, when did you even break up with Steve, I thought you guys were fine?" Y/N didn't want Nancy with either of them, but if she had to pick at least Steve was somewhat decent. Dustin idolized him, and Y/N couldn't hate someone her brother loved so much.

"Halloween... I think." Nancy murmured, she was fiddling with the end of her sweater, something she only did when she was nervous or lying. Y/N knew all of her tells, she knew Nancy like the back of her hand. She smelled shit, and Nancy was full of it.

"You think. How do you not know when you broke up with the boyfriend that you've been dating for a year?!" This wasn't like Nancy. The Nancy she knew was confident, so sure of herself and everything she did. This Nancy was timid and shy. It bothered Y/N to the core.

"Well, we didn't really formally break up. It was more like we fought and just decided to not be together anymore. It was an unspoken thing." Unspoken. How the hell do you break up with someone unspokenly.

"Was that before or after you hooked up with Jonathan." Y/N couldn't control the venom in her voice. She knew it was wrong to throw that in her face, to imply what she did, but in the moment she didn't care. How the hell did Jonathan Byers earn Nancy's affections when he didn't even fucking know her, and she couldn't.

That was the root of the whole thing. Y/N could never be objective when it came to Nancy's relationships, not when she wanted to be with her instead. Y/N Henderson had been in love with her since they were kids. She fell in love with Nancy when she still wore her hair in pigtails, and hadn't stopped since then.

No one knew she was gay. She never told a soul. Not even Dustin, who she shared everything with. She used to feel bad about keeping the secret, until she noticed Dustin keeping secrets from her too. Ever since Will disappeared, and then come back 10 days later seemingly back from the dead, everyone Y/N cared about started keeping secrets from her. It was starting to get on her last nerve.

"Oh don't you judge me Y/N. You don't even know what it's like!" Nancy yelled, getting the same pissy attitude her brother had.

"I don't know what it's like? Really, Nancy? I know that I would never go out with a boy who did something like that!" Y/N was yelling at her. She hated yelling at Nancy, but she just wasn't listening to her.

"Oh it's so easy for you to say that Y/N! So easy for you to talk out of your ass about how boys are!" Nancy's voice was louder now, getting right in her face with it. She hated it, she hated Nancy looking at her like she was being ridiculous. Nancy was in the wrong, not her.

"How boys are?! Christ Nancy do you even hear yourself! How the hell wouldn't I know! That's all you've been talking about for the past two years!" She was so sick and tired of hearing about this stupid shit. Sick of arguing over it. It was all so stupid.

"Well it's not my fault you don't like boys!" Nancy screamed, and then it was silence. So quiet you could hear a pin drop. She hit the nail right on the head with that one. Threw the one thing in Y/N's face that she'd been terrified about herself for as long as she could remember. Y/N couldn't look at her, couldn't speak to her. She just walked right out of Nancy's door, slamming it shut behind her. They hadn't spoken since.

After that fight, Y/N started walking home in the rain. She was too afraid to call her mom to her pick her up, she didn't want to explain to her what happened. She walked in the rain until she crashed into someone on a bike, they were whipping around a corner as she was crossing the street. It was Robin Buckley, a girl she was in band with. They didn't speak that often, but knew of each other's existence.

When she crashed into Y/N, she started rattling off apologies, telling her she was trying to pick up maple syrup for her french toast but got caught in the rain. Robin noticed that she was crying, and when she asked her what was wrong, Y/N let the floodgates loose. Right there in the middle of the street. Nobody around to hear her confession in the storm. Y/N told Robin everything, that she was gay, in love with her best friend, how said best friend just broke her heart, and even though she was heart broken, she knew that she would never stop loving Nancy Wheeler.

After she was done, the panic settled in. The weight of what she just said to a near stranger paralyzing her with fear. Until the unexpected happened, Robin laughed. Not a cruel laugh, or a making fun of her laugh. It sounded like relief. That's when Robin told her that she was gay too, that she didn't think she'd ever meet another gay person in all of Hawkins in a million years, and yet she literally crashed into one. Both girls laughed in the rain, before Robin asked if she wanted to come over her house for french toast. Y/N agreed, and they've been best friends ever since.

They spent the rest of the school year glued to the hip. Robin would wax poetic about Tammy Thompson and Vickie from band, and Y/N would vent about Nancy Wheeler. They'd stand next to each other on the bleachers with their ridiculous band uniforms on, whispering to each other between music numbers. She would watch Jonathan and Nancy take pictures of the cheerleading squad, and Y/N would dream about the day that Nancy realized that he wasn't good for her. That she would wake up from whatever fantasy she made up with him, and find that Y/N was the person she was really looking for. The one who had been there for her the entire time. Who knew her better than she knew herself. She knew it was just a fantasy, you can't make someone love you. Especially another girl.

When the school year ended, Robin and Y/N decided to look for summer jobs together. They both applied to the new ice cream shop in the mall, and on the first day they both realized that they weren't working alone. Steve Harrington also got a job at Scoops Ahoy, and when he saw her he was instantly relieved that he was working with a familiar face. Y/N was surprised he was so excited to see her, considering what she did a year prior. Steve had told her that he deserved it, and to let bygones be bygones. Robin wasn't too thrilled at first, but both girls couldn't help but enjoy working with Steve.

She got to know him better those first couple of weeks, and he kept begging her to tell him about what Dustin was up to at camp. It was sweet, how much he cared about her brother. That's what really sold Steve to her. She saw how much he changed over the past year. He was still a bit full of himself, but he wasn't the tool she made him out to be. The only fuck up he made was when he asked why she wasn't hanging out with Nancy anymore, but kept his mouth shut when she gave him the iciest glare she could muster, colder than the ice cream freezer they used daily.

Today, Y/N was up at the front counter reorganizing the to go cups, when she heard a ding from the bell behind her.

"Ahoy! My name is..." Y/N started before she realized who was standing there. Nancy Wheeler, alone, in all of her glory. Her heart was pounding in her chest, Nancy was the last person she expected to walk into Scoops Ahoy. The words were caught in her throat, as she stared helplessly at the girl in front of her.

"Hi Y/N..." Nancy sounded awkward, unsure of herself. A similar tone she had the last time they spoke all those months ago. Y/N didn't like it then, and she didn't like it now.

"Uh hi, um, what are you doing here?" Y/N asked, there were plenty of other ice cream shops in Hawkins. She knew that Nancy purposefully avoided this one, she saw her speed walk past the entrance every time she came to the mall.

"To get ice cream?" Nancy replied lamely, she was fiddling with the bottom of her shirt. Lie.

"We both know that's not the real reason..." She really wished Robin and Steve would come back from their breaks soon. She didn't want to be alone with Nancy.

"Look," Nancy sighed, "I just wanted to, um, talk to you? If that was okay?" Y/N couldn't wrap her head around why. It had been months of radio silence, walking around school like they were strangers, why now? Before she could respond, Robin walked into the front door of the ice cream shop, completely oblivious to the girl at the counter.

"Y/N you would not believe who I just saw fall flat on their face in the food court!" Robin began before realizing they weren't alone. She looked between Nancy and her, raising her eyebrow as a silent question: Are you okay?

"Hey Robin, would you mind running the counter for a bit? I'm gonna go on break now." She had already taken her break, but she hoped Robin would understand what she really meant to say.

"Are you sure you wanna go now? You usually take them later?" Robin was giving her an out, knowing all the complicated details of her relationship with Nancy, she was such a good friend to her.

"Yea I'm good thanks." Y/N replied as she took the sailor hat off of her head. Robin nodded and switched spots with her behind the counter. Y/N started walking towards the door, Nancy following closely behind. Once they made it out, Y/N lead Nancy to the employee's only hallway of the mall, she wanted privacy for the conversation they were about to have.

"Okay, so what did you want to talk about?" Y/N asked, trying to present herself as calm as a cucumber, but inside she was a nervous wreck.

"I wanted to apologize... What we fought about, God, it was so stupid. You were right, and I was being a shitty friend." Nancy's eyes were glassy as she spoke to her, the threat of unshed tears just over the horizon. Y/N couldn't stand it when Nancy cried, it always broke her heart a little bit each time.

"Yea, you were being a shitty friend," Y/N began, "but so was I. I shouldn't have thrown what happened with Jonathan in your face like that. It was wrong, and I'm sorry..." Instant relief flooded her veins. It was as if a massive weight was lifted off of her shoulders. She didn't want to be angry with Nancy anymore, not for something she couldn't change. It wasn't right.

"You weren't wrong though... What happened between Steve, Jonathan, and I was messy. I was just insecure about it and lashed out at you..." Nancy took a deep breath, willing the tears to stay back. "You're my best friend, and I pushed you away. I've been so lost since Barb died, and I didn't even consider your feelings too. I was so selfish. I saw you walk in the halls and ignored you because I was too afraid to talk to you. I thought I broke us..." Y/N didn't know when he brain made the decision to hug her, but her body moved to do it as soon as she heard the first sniffle. She hugged Nancy tight, the smell of her floral shampoo an old comfort she had nearly forgotten about.

"You didn't break us. You know I'll always be here for you Nancy. We had a bad fight, but it's going to be okay" Y/N ran her fingers through her friends hair, the soft curls wrapping themselves between each digit. She could feel Nancy sink into her, not an inch between them.

"I missed you so much Jellybean..." Y/N's heart soared at the old nickname. Nancy started calling her that in kindergarten after she got a jellybean stuck in her ear. She didn't remember how it got there in the first place, but the nickname stuck too.

"I missed you too Fancy Nancy..." She could feel her giggles against her chest, and as much as it ached, she knew everything was going to be okay. Whatever happened in the future, she knew that she wouldn't leave Nancy's side, never again.

Weeks went by as the girls picked up right where they left off. Like it was easy. Nancy would come by Scoops Ahoy on her days off and update her on what was going on in her life. What Mike and the kids were up too, how her relationship with Jonathan was going, and her new job at the Hawkins Post. Y/N hated that they weren't taking her seriously, and told her as such.

"Those stupid man-boys wouldn't know a good story if it flew right under their nose. You're way too good to be dealing with that shit, I'm sorry they suck" Nancy chuckled over her vanilla ice cream, always with rainbow sprinkles.

"Yea, but it's a good job to put on a resume. Thank you for saying that though, Jonathan just doesn't get it when I talk to him about it" Y/N had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. She hated the dull look on her face when she would talk about how the men at the post treated her, or when Jonathan disappointed her.

"He's a guy. Of course he doesn't get it," Y/N began before she could tell her mouth to shut up before she reveals too much, "you know, you have a smile that could light up all of Hawkins, and I haven't seen it since you started working at the post with Jonathan."

"I'm fine Jellybean, promise" But she knew Nancy better than that. She wasn't fine, and Y/N didn't know what she was doing with men like that. Men who didn't listen to her, or understand where she was coming from. She didn't deserve it.

"Whatever you say Nancy..." And that was the end of it. Nancy changed the subject, and Y/N had to pretend that her heart wasn't pounding in her chest. When Nancy walked out the door, Y/N turned around to see Robin's concerned face. Steve wasn't back on break yet, he always took it when Nancy came to visit, so they were alone in the store. Not a nosy customer in sight.

"Are you okay?" Robin asked as she filled a small cup with S'mores Galore, her personal favorite.

"I will be. It's nothing new, I'd rather have her be in my life talking about her dumb boyfriend than out of it" She knew she was being a bit unfair towards Jonathan. He might not be her favorite person in the world, but she couldn't say he was all bad. Y/N knew what it was like to be an older sibling without a second parent in the house; it was hard and you had to grow up much faster than other kids. Jonathan was an excellent brother to Will, and a great son to Joyce. He just made shitty choices and decided to date the love of her life, so she allowed herself to hate him just a little bit.

"Yea I guess... but you know I'm always here to talk if you need to. It can't be easy hearing the person you love talk about loving someone else. I only had a crush on Tammy and it nearly destroyed me watching her look at Steve the way she did, I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. Sounds like pure torture." Y/N loved Robin's honesty, but sometimes her comments hit a little too close for comfort. It could be torture, but a torture she could endure.

"It is what it is. Who knows, maybe when I go to college I'll find a girl who actually likes other girls... I could finally move on from her..." Deep down she was afraid nobody would hold a candle to her best friend, that she would have to settle for second best. The thought kept her up at night.

"You and me both sister" Robin chuckled. A part of her wished she could have fallen in love with Robin instead, a girl who could actually love her in return. They tried kissing once many months ago, it was the first kiss either of them ever had. At first it was a peck, and then they tried making out a bit to see if anything would happen. Both girls decided that it just wasn't right for them, that they didn't feel any type of spark. They both decided to stay platonic best friends, with a capital P as Robin so lovingly referred to it. No awkwardness followed the kiss, something Y/N appreciated whole heartedly. She didn't know what she would've done if the kiss ruined their friendship. One friendship break up was enough for a life time.

"What are you girls talking about?" Steve asked as he walked into the front doors of Scoops Ahoy.

"Nothing you need to worry about, dingus" Steve rolled his eyes at the familiar nickname and got back to work. Completely oblivious to the conversation they had before. It was better that way, Y/N didn't know how he would react if he knew the truth. That not only was Y/N Henderson gay, she was in love with his ex girlfriend.

"Oh by the way Steve, Dustin comes home from camp tomorrow." A massive smile spread across his face as he bombarded her with questions about her brother. She neglected to tell him that he was coming by the shop the next day, Dustin had told her he wanted to surprise him. She didn't know how and when her brother and Steve got so close, but you would never hear any complaints from her.

Y/N was sitting on the couch in her sailor uniform when she heard a pounding at the door. She didn't have to be at Scoops Ahoy for another couple hours, and she had the house to herself. Dustin was at the mall with Steve, a place he spent most of his days recently, and her mom was out running errands. At first she thought it was her brother, probably freaking out because he lost his house keys again, but to her surprise it was Nancy at the door. Her eyes filled with tears and smudged mascara.

"Oh my god Nancy what happened?" Y/N didn't hesitate to wrap her arms around her friend. She hadn't seen her this upset in years, not since Barb died.

"I think I just broke up with Jonathan..." Nancy sobbed. She hated the brief flash of joy she felt when Nancy spoke, it wasn't fair to her. Y/N nodded and held her hand as they walked up to her bedroom. Once she sat Nancy down on her bed she ran downstairs to get her a glass of water and box of tissues. When she finally got upstairs she found Nancy looking at the picture of the two of them right before High School started on the nightstand. Barb had taken the picture, and it was one of her most prized possessions. Y/N ignored the flutter in her chest, Nancy looked at that photo with such fondness it nearly tore her apart.

"Tell me what happened..." Y/N said as she rubbed circles on her friend's back, doing as much as she could to comfort her.

"We got in a fight... I got us both fired from the Hawkins Post because of a lead I had. I know it's a good story Jellybean, but they just wouldn't listen. Jonathan was upset because he needed the job, and he basically called me spoiled for not understanding why he was upset. As if I'm stupid..." Y/N knew about the Byers financial situation, and it definitely wasn't easy, but she wasn't about to tell Nancy that.

"Like I get it, his family doesn't have a lot of money, but he could always get another job. I will stuck being belittled because I'm a woman for the rest of my life. He basically defended how they treated me because they got him a job! Like he didn't even care how I was feeling! And when I told him how humiliated I was, he just told me that the real worlds sucks! That I just had to deal with it!"

"Are you fucking serious?!" Y/N was fuming now. It was one thing to be ignorant of how Nancy was treated at her job, it was another thing to be complacent and tell her to lay down and take it.

"Yes! He sounded just like the assholes at work! And god, when I told him I shouldn't have even bothered venting to him in the first place, and should have gone to you instead, he nearly lost it!" Y/N's chest felt tight, frustration, aggravation, pride, and lovesickness swirled inside of her.

"What did he say?" She whispered, not trusting her mouth at the moment.

"That's the crazy part, he just told me I should just date you instead if you're the only thing I talk about! He kept saying that I was obsessed with you! That during our entire relationship all I cared about was Y/N Henderson! I mean, Jesus, he accused me of being secretly in love with you!" Nancy rambled, and Y/N swore her heart stopped. Hope bloomed inside of her, that maybe her feelings weren't unrequited after all. She was scared, terrified of letting herself feel that hope. It was a dangerous thing.

"Why, uh, why would he say that?" She swore her tongue tripled in size, it was nearly impossible to speak.

"Hell if I know! Of course I love you! You're my best friend! That's totally normal! I even told him that, I said it wasn't my fault that he didn't have a friendship like ours!" Nancy rambled, her mouth running a mile a minute, "Like of course I want to be with you all the time, especially after our fight! God Jellybean, you don't even know, all those months of silence nearly killed me. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I didn't cry that much after Steve and I broke up, or in the car on my way here. When I said it felt like I broke our friendship, it's because it broke me. That was more of a break up than any relationship I've ever had!"

Y/N didn't know what possessed her to do what she did. Every fiber of her being was lit up like an electrical storm. She didn't think, didn't hesitate for a second, before she pressed her lips against Nancy's. Y/N could taste the strawberry chapstick she always wore over her lipstick, could feel the soft curls of her hair as she gently held her face. This was the feeling she was looking for when she kissed Robin, the instant fireworks, the spark. It was everything she ever wanted it to be, until she realized Nancy wasn't kissing her back, and then reality sank in. She pulled back to see her best friend, the love of her life, look at her like she was a stranger. Her eyes were wide, eyebrows shot up to her hairline, and her mouth was wide open in shock.

"Oh my God... Holy shit Nancy, I'm so sorry. I, I, I don't know what came over me! I'm sorry, please don't hate me!" Y/N pleaded, but Nancy just continued to stare at her. The silence was deafening, and she couldn't take it. So Y/N did what felt best, and ran right out the door. She grabbed the keys to her car and drove right to Scoops Ahoy, nausea and fear nearly consuming her. She had kissed her best friend. Nancy knew she liked girls. It felt like the end of the world.

As it would turn out, her kiss with Nancy wasn't the worst thing to happen to Y/N Henderson that day. In fact, it wasn't even in the same ballpark. When she rushed into Scoops Ahoy, she found her brother, Steve, Robin, and Lucas' little sister Erica forming a plan to defeat Russian spies that broke into Starcourt Mall. Dustin yelled at his sister for getting involved, something he desperately wanted to avoid. Y/N yelled at him for keeping secrets, and Steve told them both to shut up while they were stuck in some secret elevator underneath the mall.

Hours passed like that, the five of them in the elevator. Y/N forced her brother to tell her everything, that she wouldn't allow anymore secrets between them, and he did. He told her about this girl named Eleven who had psychic powers and came from Hawkins Lab. He told her about the monsters that came out of this alternate dimension they called the Upside Down. He told her about how Will was trapped there for 10 days, and how they all got him back. He told her how this Eleven girl had closed the gate, and that apparently Russians were plotting something underneath Starcourt mall. Her brain was overloading with information, and it took her almost an hour to come to terms with it. Robin had made a joke and said she was just as clueless as she was, but she didn't feel like laughing. Once she figured it all out, she smacked her brother on the back of the head for lying to her, and hugged him so tight with the fear of potentially losing him.

Y/N Henderson had started her morning like any other day, but it ended in a nightmare of kissing Nancy Wheeler and getting drugged by Russian spies. Dustin and Erica had helped them escape, but Y/N was too delirious to be of much help. They sat them down in the movie theater, until Steve thought of the brilliant idea of leaving. Now, the three of them were puking their guts out in the Starcourt bathroom.

"The room stopped spinning for me, is it still spinning for you guys?" Robin asked in the other stall.

"Holy shit. No." Steve replied.

"All good over here sailor scout!" Y/N shouted from the last stall.

"Do you think we puked it all up?" She certainly hoped so, puking was never fun.

"One way to find out, hey Steve?" Y/N asked.

"Yea Miss. Henderson?" She chuckled at the nickname.

"Ask me a question, let's play honesty hour." Steve took a moment to think of something before he spoke.

"When was the last time you peed your pants?" Normally, Y/N would have been grossed out by the question, but she couldn't care less in that moment.

"I almost peed my pants today when I kissed Nancy, does that count?" The bathroom became so quiet you could hear a pin drop. She knew she should have been terrified by what she revealed, but the Russian truth serum's euphoria remained in her system. Robin slowly dragged herself over to the stall, her eyes wide with surprise. She knew the depth of what she had just revealed, and was afraid for her. Steve crawled underneath the stall wall to sit next to her by the toilet, a matching surprised look on his face.

"You kissed Nance?" Y/N couldn't stop the words coming out of her mouth even if she wanted to, a bastardized confession inside the ceramic walls of the mall bathroom.

"Yea, I did. Her and Jonathan broke up and he accused her of being secretly in love with me. I was so psyched because duh, I've been in love with her since we were like 5, and so I kissed her like an idiot. Nancy didn't look as happy as I was, and I think I totally destroyed our friendship beyond repair. All because I fell in love with my best friend, who's a girl, a very pretty girl, but you know that Steve. You dated her. Also, I hated you a bit when you dated Nancy, but if it makes you feel better I hate Jonathan more. He sucks. He always had been, and always will be, somewhat of a menace to society. He took pictures of her half naked like a weirdo, and I wanted to punch him in the face. I still want to punch him in the face. I know he's like half way decent, but I still want to punch him in his very punchable face. All because he managed to snag Nancy Wheeler and I can't, because I was born a girl, who's gay, in fucking Indiana. It totally sucks. I wish I could have fallen in love with Robin, and I'm sorry Robs, but kissing Nancy was wayyyyyyyy better than kissing you. Not that you're a bad kisser! It was objectively a nice kiss, but it's because I only love you like a friend and I love Nancy in a I want to marry you and carry your children kind of way. I know that's impossible, and it makes me sad. I think we'd have cute babies. I'd hope they'd have curly hair and Nancy's nose, but my eyes and smile. But hey, I would even settle for her not telling the world I'm in love with her and completely destroying my life. Small miracles and all that jazz..." When Y/N stopped speaking, Robin thought it was a good idea to add her own word vomit confession too. She was such a good friend, and super fucking awesome for not leaving her alone with all of that.

"Do you guys remember what I said about Click's class? About me being jealous, and like, obsessed? It wasn't because I had a crush on Steve. It's because she wouldn't stop staring at him..."

"Mrs. Click?" Steve interrupted, but Robin smoothly continued.

"Tammy Thompson. I wanted her to look at me. But... she couldn't pull her eyes away from you and your stupid hair. And I didn't understand, because Steve would get bagel crumbs all over the floor. And he would ask dumb questions. And he was a douchebag. And- and you didn't even like her... and I would go home, and just scream into my pillow..."

"Oh..." Steve replied softly, "Holy shit"

"Holy shit" Robin and Y/N said at the same time. Steve took a moment to think, his eyes focused on the wall behind Y/N's head. Both girls waited with bated breath to hear what he had to say, the nerves finally sinking into them.

"I'm sorry I sort of stole both of the girls you guys liked. I get Nancy, Y/N, she's a total package. But Tammy Thompson? Seriously Robin? I mean, she's cute and all, but she's a total dud" Steve scoffed.

"She is not"

"Yea, she is. She wants to be, like, a singer. She wants to move to like, Nashville and shit" Y/N giggled to herself at the banter between Steve and Robin, instant relief flooding through her. Steve wasn't mad, or upset, or hateful. He was cracking jokes, just like he always did. She knew why Dustin adored him so much, and now she sort of adored him too. They were all laughing together, making fun of Tammy Thompson and her muppet voice, when Dustin and Erica busted into the bathroom.

"Okay. What the hell?"

They all tried to sneakily escape from the Russian spies, but it was no use. They were heavily armed and trained to dispose of them. The happy-go-lucky feeling was long gone, pure fear and anxiety replacing it. It was all of blur, one second they tried to sneak out the front doors of the mall, and the next they were all hiding behind one of the food court stands. That's when they heard the sound of a car crash, and looked up to see a young teenage girl Y/N didn't recognize and the rest of Dustin's friends. Then she noticed that Jonathan and Nancy where there. Her brother was overjoyed to see everyone, but she couldn't join him with the celebration. When she first made eye contact with Nancy, she couldn't discern the look on her face. It only made her panic more.

They all started talking about Russians and monsters, but Y/N was numb to it all. She was laser focused on Nancy, who was pointedly ignoring her again. Pure, unadulterated heartbreak devoured her soul. She went back to Jonathan, the kiss meant nothing, that had to be what had happened after she ran away. Y/N couldn't focus too much on her own feelings before the young girl, who she now knew as Eleven, collapsed onto the ground. That was the beginning of the end of Starcourt mall.

Y/N watched as the place she used to work caught aflame. The paramedics were attending to her wounds, but she was numb to all of it. She witnessed first hand of the monster that lived inside the Upside Down. It would haunt her nightmares for the rest of her life. They all fought it with fireworks and flames, anything to help Eleven defeat it. It was pure chaos, and filled with death. Chief Hopper and Max's brother Billy perished at the hands of the Mind Flayer, the name of the monster Dustin had supplied earlier. Y/N hadn't spoken to Nancy throughout the fight, too preoccupied with the task at hand, but now all she could do was watch as Nancy and Jonathan spoke in the distance. She couldn't hear what they were saying, but she could feel her heart break more when she watched him hug her. The paramedic placed the last bandage on her and told her she was all set to go. Y/N jumped at the opportunity to run away, she couldn't stand seeing anymore of Jonathan Byers rekindling his flame with Nancy. She didn't get too far before she heard Nancy shout her name. Y/N kept walking, ignoring the siren's call, before she felt a firm grip on her arm.

"Don't run away from me again" Nancy reprimanded, her eyes lit up from the fire a short distance away. Y/N refused to speak, she had enough truth telling that night to last a lifetime. Nancy waited a moment, waiting for her to say something, before she sighed and let go of her arm. It took every ounce of Y/N's strength not to run away.

"I'm driving you home" It sounded like a command, and she knew better than to argue with her, so she nodded and made her way over to Nancy's car.

The girls drove in silence as they made their way through Hawkins. Y/N was barely paying attention to the road, too focused on calming herself down. A million and one thoughts ran through her head. Why was Nancy driving her home? Did she not hate her? Was she taking her to Lover's Lake to dump her body? That last one was far fetched, Nancy wasn't a murderer, but she did see her wield a gun like she was born too. Crazier things have happened. Y/N was lost in her own head, and didn't notice when Nancy parked the car. She finally looked up from her lap to take in her surroundings, they were in the parking lot of a playground. Y/N didn't know why Nancy had taken her there instead of her house, but she didn't think she was gonna kill her anymore. Burying a body at a park was a bad idea, and Nancy was too smart for that.

"Do you remember the day we met?" Nancy asked, finally breaking the tense silence.

"Yea... it was here..."

"We were 4 years old. I had fallen off the swings and hurt my knee. You ran up to me and asked if I was okay, and I could barely answer you because I was crying so hard," Nancy chuckled, a fond smile on her face, "You got down on your knees, the denim overalls cushioning the wood chips on the ground, and kissed both of my knees. You said your Mom did it whenever you had a boo boo, and that love makes the pain go away..." Y/N was shocked she remembered all of that, they were both so young. The memories were old and blurry, but they were still there in her mind, and they were apparently crystal clear in Nancy's.

"Yea... Why are you bringing this up?" Y/N wondered, unsure where Nancy was going with her line of questioning.

"I think it was then..." Nancy paused, taking a moment to catch her breath, "I think that's the moment I realized I was different. I went home to my Mom and Dad and told them I met Y/N Henderson on the playground with Grandma... I told them that you loved me and how I wanted to marry you..." The nausea in her stomach was replaced with butterflies, that feeling of hope rushing through her. What Nancy was telling her, it sounded all too close to a confession.

"My Dad immediately shot me down of course, said girls can't marry other girls, that it was wrong. My Mom just told him I was confused, that it was just how little girls are. My Dad was satisfied with that, and I was too. I mean, parents aren't supposed to lie to their kids right? I was just confused?" Nancy turned to face Y/N, her eyes focused and sure, "I lived by that for years. Every time I looked at you a little too long to be normal, I just wrote it off as that's just how girls are. That it was normal to love your best friend like that, but it's not isn't it?" Y/N shook her head, no it wasn't, there was nothing normal about it.

"I liked boys too, still do, and thought I was satisfied with that. I thought I was satisfied with Steve, satisfied with Jonathan, and I very well could have been... If I never met you" Nancy reached for Y/N's hand and squeezed it tight. She was shaking, but her face was strong and determined. She didn't realize how much she missed that look on her best friends face until that moment.

"I always compared the boys I dated to you, Jellybean, and none of them could compare. You're the one that makes me laugh, even when I'm about to cry. You know my favorite songs, and you know all of my dreams for the future, and you were the one who was there all along. I was confused for so long, until the moment you kissed me. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head. I realized that it was something we could do, that it was something I wanted. I'm sorry I made you wait so long for me to catch up to what you already knew, but now I know for sure..." Nancy leaned over towards Y/N's seat, inches away from her face, and spoke the words she's wanted to hear for over a decade, "I belong with you Y/N Henderson"

Nancy leaned in and kissed her. She kissed her like she was finally coming up from air after she was drowning for so long. She kissed her like she was something to savor, slow, soft, and sweet. Y/N could feel her toes curl, her body singing with every moment of her lips against Nancy's. They kissed each other in that old playground parking lot like they had all the time in the world.

It was pure bliss, like something out of a love long.

A song Y/N never wanted to stop listening too.

[jahayla-parker]

Hi Love!

I've been loving the celebration so far!

I found this picture on Pinterest which I love and I was hoping you'd be able to do a smau for Tom as well as some writing portions as well if you can?

Keep up the brilliant work. Your latest Peter fic was amazing! 💜

Hey love! Thank you for the kind feedback and your support and thinking of me for this request, hopefully I did it justice ❤️

Spoiling Wonderland : Tom x Reader SMAU + Blurb/ Short Fic)

Summary: Tom spoils his and y/n’s roles in the latest adaption of Alice in Wonderland by accident. This short fic/blurb 1.2k wc and SMAU are various situations/events that took place during this attempt to keep it a secret and offers a peek at their relationship dynamic.

Warnings: one suggestive comment, Tom spoiling things again, a few curse words.

Liked by tomholland2013, zendaya, hazosterfield, and 923, 471 others

yourusername: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then. 🔮

view all 765, 213 comments

tomholland2013: If you knew time as well as I do, you wouldn’t talk about wasting it ❤️

zendaya: I love this 🥰👑

y/l/n_forever: Alice in Wonderland quote plus a pocket watch?👀

livingintheaters: anyone else thinking what I’m thinking? Are we getting an Alice in wonderland remake?

——————-

“Thank you y/n and Tom for joining us today” the interviewer Samantha greets.

Y/n smiles and thanks her for having them, sitting next to Tom.

“So, we’re loving the new hair color” Samantha smiles.

Y/n blushes, Tom rubbing his pinky over the back of her hand resting on the couch between them.

“Thank you, I felt it was time for a change” she lies, touching her blonde hair.

“Why did you decide to go for highlights and the ends instead of completely blonde?” Samantha questions.

“Oh, it is only just starting. They wanted to give my hair a bit of a break, and I wasn’t sure I’d like it so we started simple so I could let it grow out if I changed my mind” y/n laughs, skating around the truth.

The truth was, she was cast as Alice in the new Alice in Wonderland live action remake and had to dye her hair blonde.

In all honesty, she was hesitant as she admired to Samantha just now.

However, the reason they went slow with it was because they’d just started working on the script and knew if they went slowly it would let her hair appear healthier instead of bleaching it all the same day.

“Well it looks great!” Samantha compliments.

“She always looks incredible” Tom replies, hooking her pointer finger with his pinky.

“Are you going to go full blonde?” Samantha asks.

Y/n pretends to consider it as the audience screams.

“I think I just might” y/n laughs.

“And your manager is okay with that? It wont hurt any auditions or projects you have coming up?” Samantha inquires.

“Oh, uh, no. I don’t think so, it’s just blonde” y/n shrugs.

Tom suppresses a laugh at her uncertainty on how to answer the question.

“She’ll be fine, it’s usually only crazy colors they don’t care for” Tom explains.

“I see, that makes sense. Now, you two have some projects already in the works, yes?” Samantha asks, looking at Tom.

“We do, we have an untitled project together and each have one of our own films as well currently” he admits, smiling over at y/n.

“Yes, we’ve heard it’s untitled. Any clues for the fans?” Samantha smirks.

“Nope, there won’t be any spoilers tonight” y/n cuts in, raising her eyebrow at Tom, “right Tom?”

“Correct, no spoilers” he blushes.

——————-

liked by yourusername, nikkihollandphotography, zendaya, and 928, 374 others

tomholland2013: I think she’s pretty 🌹 my date for today’s Popsugar interview

view all 826, 182 comments

yourusername: ❤️

nikkihollandphotography: y/n you look great!

zendaya: this fit✨

disneyfanatic: major Alice vibes from y/n here, down to the color of her pantsuit 😏

hollandsmain: wait, isn’t his first line also from Alice in Wonderland?!

sweetlikey/l/n: yes! And it was said by the flowers and he added a flower 👀

Hannahholland: I feel you’re reading too much into it guys! This is like Taylor Swift’s fandom’s conspiracy theories lmao

———

“Thomas, stooopp” y/n giggles, squirming as he keeps tickling her.

Tom laughs and keeps tickling her, enjoying the sound of her laughter.

“You’re going to make me wrinkle your suit before the photo shoot” y/n gasps between laughs.

“I don’t think my character would care darling, if anyone asks, I’ll just say I’m in character” he teases, stopping so she can catch her breath.

“Mm but then they ask” she pauses, sucking in more air, “what your role is and you’d blurt it out”.

Tom feigns offense, “I would not! We’ve been filming for months now and have had dozens of interviews already with no spoilers”.

—————

liked by tomholland2013, project5210, enews, and 985, 316 others

yourusername: Oh, ‘tis love, ‘tis love, that makes the world go round! ❤️ todays photo shoot with Tom brought to you by countless cups of tea 🫖😂 follow @/project5210 for more upcoming photo shoots 😊

view all 828, 194 comments

tomholland2013: fairly certain I’ve gone Mad for you my darling 😘

zendaya: loving the vibes, but want to see y/n’s face instead 🤣

tomholland2013: rude🙃 but I agree, she’s so wonderfully beautiful 🥰

yourusername: Ily both ☺️ Toooommm, stooopp 🫣

enews: quoting Lewis Carroll, a top hat and suit, tea, “gone Mad”…. 🧐

project5210: Wonderful photo shoot 🤩

——————

liked by yourusername, tomholland2013, hollandbrazil, and 523, 187 others

project5210: excited to share more stills from this photo shoot with our cast for our upcoming film, currently marketed as Project5210, soon. For now, here’s a teaser for you all 😉 #project5210

view all 319, 726 comments

yourusername: 🤪❤️

tomholland2013: 🎩 hats off to the crew behind this shoot

hollandbrazil: wait, guys Alice is 5 letters, In is 2 letters. And Wonderland is 10 letters…. 5210🤯

y/l/nswifey: you’re telling me this isn’t straight from Alice in Wonderland?!

———

liked by: tomholland2013, project5210, harryholland64, and 982, 346 others

yourusername: If your body is a wonderland, I’m glad to be Alice tonight ❤️ Happy Halloween everyone 👗🎩

view all 836, 498 comments

zendaya: y/n y/l/n, ewwww 🫣

harryholland64: Seriously, no photo credits? I had to leave the party to take this 😒

yourusername: Baz it was our party 💀

tomholland2013: and this shot was your idea Div 😂

harryholland64: it’s called promoting

happyholland: wait does he mean getting credit would be promotion for him or the photo was for promotion?!

nikkihollandphotography: perfect couple’s costume you two ❤️

y/l/nandme: we got actual Alice and Mad Hatter pictures? Halloween costumes or not, this has to be a sign 😭

—————

“Now, Tom, there are rumors you and y/n are staring in the alleged Alice in Wonderland remake” Jimmy Fallon laughs.

Tom shuffles nervously in his seat, “I’ve heard those, yes”.

“Are they true?” Jimmy presses, leaning on the desk before him.

Tom laughs, “I don’t think there is even a confirmed Alice in Wonderland movie is there?”

“Is that a no?” Jimmy frowns.

“That’s a no mate. If there is one, we’re not in it” Tom lies.

“So how do you explain the social media puns and quotes, her becoming a blonde, and your Halloween costumes?” He argues, smirking.

Tom laughs shakingly, “I don’t know mate, we are both big fans of the movie. So the quotes started when people mentioned a possible remake as there are so many good lines and then the rumors began. Since fighting the rumors didn’t work, we kind of decided to have fun and just ran with the rumors”.

Jimmy gives him a hesitant look, making the audience laugh, “alright, well if they do end up doing one, hopefully they cast you two”.

Tom pries his eyes open as he continues walking behind Harry and his security as they leave the studio to head to their ride.

He had done a long day of press, with countless attempts to get him to spoil his and y/N’s upcoming movie.

He was pretty proud of himself for passing them all, and y/n had even teasingly congratulated him on it while she finished up on set.

He couldn’t wait until he was back at their rental and could close his eyes for the night.

He was sure if he wasn’t worried about being attacked he would’ve allowed himself to lean on the wall and fall asleep right there against the building exterior.

He rubbed his eyes as he confined to press towards his Uber while fans screamed out questions.

He tried to answer as many as he could, never wanting to upset them.

Most of the questions were about how he was doing, his plans for the night, or comments about how they loved him.

His responses were on autopilot as he neared the car.

“Tom! What is it like pretending you’re not playing Mad Hatter in the new Alice in Wonderland remake?” Someone said and while Harry knew Tom was not in a state to respond, he couldn’t turn around in time.

“It’s exhausting” Tom admitted, the question going in one ear and out the other, hardly processing it.

The screams around him erupted as people began chanting and yelling about this news.

It was only upon seeing the horror on Harry’s face that Tom realized his mistake.

Tom’s eyes widen and he instinctively slaps his hand over his mouth, only making the situation worse.

Harry groans and drags Tom into the Uber.

Tom sulks into their rental, biting his lip.

“Tom, is that you?” Y/n calls out, appearing from down the hall.

“Hi love… I uhhh… I have some news” Tom whispers.

“Oh?” Y/n taunts, knowing very well what happened already, having seen the videos circulating online.

“I may have made a mistake and spoiled the movie” Tom frowns, wincing as he chances a look at y/n.

Y/n laughs and shakes her head, closing the distance between them in a few strides.

“I know” she giggles, kissing his cheek, “it’s alright”.

“How did you know?” He asks, confused at how she could have found out after only a few minutes.

She smirks and hands Tom her phone, showing him the videos from the fans outside.

“God they’re going to fire me” Tom sighs, partially joking.

“Nah, they used it to their advantage” y/n reassures him, showing him a post from the previously titled Project5210 Instagram page.

liked by yourusername, zendaya, hazosterfield, and 910, 328 others

RemakingAliceinWonderland: Well it seems the tea has had spilled, rather than sending you all down a rabbit hole of speculations, we’ll confess that the wonderful @/yourusername and @/tomholland2013 are the world’s latest Alice 🗝 and Mad Hatter 🎩!

Now that you know the truth behind this madness, enjoy this sneak peak of y/n as Alice ♥️ #project5210 #remakingaliceinwonderland

view all 892, 104 comments

yourusername: I hardly recognize myself, 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle! 😉

hazosterfield: so much for curiouser and curiouser 😂 looking great y/n

sophiet: with regards to whoever let this cat out of the bag… OFF with their heads 😉👑😹♥️

disneyforlife: ooo another casting clue?!👀

zendaya: Damn Alice 😍 I’d lose track of time for you

—————

Tom laughs and blushes as he hands y/n her phone back.

“It worked out fine Thomas, besides you lasted longer than I expected” she admits, kissing him softly.

“Honestly, me too” he chuckles, “I’m not sure why it’s so difficult”.

“Well that’s just the trouble with you. I give yourself very good advice, but you very seldom follow it” y/n teases, paraphrasing one of her own lines in the movie where Alice is talking about herself.

Tom laughs and rolls his eyes, pulling her to him as he lets his eyes get heavier again now that his panic has left.

He may spoil a lot of things but he knows he could never spoil his personal wonderland; the love between him and y/n.

————

Tag list: @galaxyholland @spideysbae  @mcushvft @fishingirl12 @raajali3 @justapurrcat @users09

[milfjensenackles]

castiel’s top 13 taylor swift traxx

1.7k words | read it on ao3 

“What’s this?”

Dean looked up at Cas from his desk chair, confusion apparent in his curled lip and furled eyebrows. Cas had stalked into his room a moment before and unceremoniously dropped a small rectangle on the table in front of Dean.

Cas gave Dean a small, close-lipped smile while rubbing his hand over the other repeatedly. “It’s a mixtape. Like the one you made me.”

Dean flipped the mixtape over in his hands to read what Cas had written on it. Apparently Cas was getting a lot of use out of the rainbow pen set Sam bought him last week, because ‘CASTIEL’S TOP 13 TAYLOR TRAXX’ was spelled out in bright purple ink on the front of the tape. Dean smiled at Cas’ loopy handwriting before clearing his throat and asking, “Taylor?”

“Taylor Swift. I know your favorite artist is Led Zeppelin and you shared their music with me, so I wanted to return the favor. Sam taught me how to make the tape.” Cas beamed proudly at this accomplishment.

Dean almost grimaced but caught himself so he wouldn’t disappoint Cas. “That’s great, Cas. Thanks. I’ll check it out later.”

Satisfied with that answer, Cas folded his hands behind his back and left Dean to himself again.

About an hour after Cas left Dean’s room, Dean put down the papers he was looking through for a case to reach for the mixtape again. Dean knew why he made that Led Zeppelin mixtape for Cas, but he didn’t think Cas understood human customs like making a mixtape for someone. His feelings for Castiel had become… complicated, as of late. Dean was terrible at expressing himself, but he’s always been able to understand his feelings a little more through his favorite songs. He recently realized (embarrassingly enough) that he had developed quite a crush on the former angel. He knew that he would explode if he didn’t do something about it, but he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. Thus, ‘Dean’s Top 13 Zepp Traxx’ was born.

The only tape player Dean still had was in the Impala, so he grabbed a jacket and shoved the tape into his pocket. He managed to avoid Sam on his way out, which meant that he avoided having to give a lame excuse for going to sit in his car for thirty minutes or so by himself. He opened the door to the Impala and slid onto the bench before pulling the tape out of his pocket and sliding it into the player. A twangy country beat immediately sounded from the speakers and Dean groaned. How was he going to get through a whole mixtape of just Taylor Swift? She was talented and all, but not Dean’s thing. The things he was willing to do for that angel. He closed his eyes and leaned back to rest his head against the bench, listening as a young girl’s soft voice began to sing.

I like the way you sound in the mornin’

We’re on the phone and without a warning

I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard

Dean sat straight up at that, hitting his head on the roof of the car. He rubbed at the bump forming on his scalp while trying to process the lyrics that were still playing repeatedly in his mind. What did Cas mean by putting this song on a mixtape he made specifically for Dean? Probably nothing, he tried to reason with himself. This is just one of Cas’ favorite songs. It doesn’t have anything to do with Dean. Maybe Cas was trying to tell Dean that he was interested in someone else. Maybe Cas did understand the meaning of Dean’s mixtape and was trying to let him down gently. Dean had apparently been lost in thought for the entirety of the song, because as the final chorus filled the Impala he felt his breath catch in his throat.

Whoa-oh, I’m feeling you baby

Don’t be afraid to jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Baby, I’m never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

As the first song ended, Dean picked up the case the mixtape had been inside to read the names of the songs that Cas had listed on the back. The next one was called Sparks Fly. Dean smiled to himself at that, reminded of the night he and Cas had met in that barn covered with sigils. Sparks had flown, but not for romantic reasons, like Taylor suggested in the song. He guessed Cas probably took the lyrics a little too literally, as he did with most things. This theory of Dean’s was proven to be true, as a song that was apparently called Don’t Blame Me blared loudly, causing Dean to rush to turn the volume down.

And baby, for you, I would fall from grace

Just to touch your face

If you walk away

I’d beg you on my knees to stay

This one was a little too on the nose, Dean thought to himself. Again, he allowed his mind to wander, questioning the reason behind Cas’ decision to put this song on a playlist for Dean. It took quite a bit of effort to make a mixtape, especially nowadays. Dean would know. Cas would have had to painstakingly record the songs that he chose for some particular reason that Dean couldn’t determine so far. He allowed himself to fantasize for a moment that it was Dean that Cas so desperately wanted before shaking himself from his thoughts.

Dean had to admit, these songs weren’t half bad. There was even one about cowboys that was probably his favorite so far. Not that Dean’s biased or anything. The next song faded in softer than the others, which caught Dean’s attention immediately. He focused on the words, leaning forward slightly with his hands folded in his lap.

All these people think love’s for show

But I would die for you in secret

The devil’s in the details, but you got a friend in me

Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

Dean frowned at these lyrics. Is this how Cas felt about himself? Did Cas really think that he brought only chaos to their lives? Dean supposed that Sam and himself hadn’t really ever said anything to suggest otherwise. He made a mental note to do better about showing his appreciation for Cas. The next few songs played through, and against his better judgment, Dean was starting to really enjoy himself. Before he knew it, the last song was playing, and the tape stuttered to a stop. He sat there quietly for some time after the last note played through the speakers.

He had two options here. He could be a coward, like usual, and let this mixtape thing be forgotten over time as they continue to dance around one another. Or he could confront his friend and potentially destroy their relationship. Eventually, Dean gathered his things and moved back toward the bunker.

Cas was in the kitchen by himself, drinking a cup of coffee out of a mug that said ‘Plant Daddy’ on it. Dean had purchased it for him as a joke when Cas got into gardening, and it immediately became Cas’ favorite. He had his reading glasses on along with an old flannel of Dean’s, which made Dean feel like he was going to explode for reasons he couldn’t quite pinpoint. Dean walked up to him and placed the mixtape on the table, as Cas had done to him only a few hours previously.

“Why did you make me this mixtape, Cas?”

Cas pursed his lips for longer than Dean could handle before taking his glasses off and standing up from the table to move toward the sink. He rinsed out his mug before turning back around to face Dean, bracing himself on the counter behind him.

“I find myself… able to relate to the words she sings, moreso than the artists that might be considered more ‘age appropriate’” – Cas’ hands went up to form finger quotes around the phrase – “for myself. Since becoming human, these new emotions have been very difficult to process. I feel like Taylor understands me. The songs I chose… I picked them because they reminded me of you. That’s what Sam told me humans do when they make a mixtape for someone they care about.”

Dean felt himself freeze. He looked down at the mixtape in his hand for a moment, before looking back at Cas again. He thought back to the tracklist he had already committed to memory. It all came to him at once, the lyrics flooding his brain.

My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hands

We’re driving down the road, I wonder if you know

I ain’t gotta tell him I think he knows

Please don’t be in love with someone else

Dean stepped forward, crowding into Castiel’s space. He opened his mouth, and nothing came out. Dean closed his eyes to steel himself, before opening them again and confidently saying, “I’m not in love with someone else, Cas. It’s you. It’s always been you. And I’m sorry if I’m reading the wrong thing into this situation but I – “

Dean was cut off by Cas, who had reached out and grabbed his face before crashing their lips together. Once Dean’s brain caught up to the rest of his body, he started kissing Cas back, pushing the angel into the countertop. This was nothing like Dean’s fantasies, which were always aggressive and usually the result of an argument or a near-death experience. This was achingly slow and sweet with the promise of more.

Cas was the one to pull back to breathe first. Dean followed his lips, wanting more. He would have gladly drowned in Cas. Cas noticed Dean’s eagerness and laughed softly. “I love you too, Dean. I made the mixtape hoping that you would understand what I was trying to tell you. Evidently, it worked.”

This time, Dean was the one to wrap his arms underneath Cas’ to pull him in for another kiss.

After what felt like an eternity, Dean pulled back and smirked, running his hand through Cas’ hair as he spoke. “So… you’d really ‘fall from grace just to touch my face’, huh?”

Cas rolled his eyes, but nonetheless gave Dean an endearing smile. “I already did, Dean. And I’d do it over and over again if it meant I could have this.”

[queer-goddess-of-the-hunt]

Sk8 the Infinity Playlist

Spotify Link

List of songs and quotes/explanations below the cut.

Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne “He was a skater boy; She said, "See you later, boy"; He wasn't good enough for her; She had a pretty face; But her head was up in space; She needed to come back down to earth” Obligatory song about a skater boy. I just think it suits Renga.

Line Without a Hook by Ricky Montgomery “Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you; I need you here to stay; I broke all my bones that day I found you; Crying at the lake; Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden? Oh, and if I could take it all back; I swear that I would pull you from the tide”

Ribs by Lorde “You're the only friend I need; Sharing beds like little kids; And laughing 'til our ribs get tough; But that will never be enough”

Boys Will Be Bugs by Cavetown “Boys will be bugs right? I'm a dumb teen boy; All I wanna do is quit; My mum told me that she's worried; And I couldn't give a shit” Could be seen as Reki after the fight, but also kind of Miya vibes.

Paradise by Rude-a “Take me to the top; I'm sliding through the dark; 解き放て; Nobody knows I'm burning like a fire” It’s the opening song, I had to.

Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer “Might as well face it, you're addicted to love” This song made me think of Ad*m.

Rat by Penelope Scott “I bit the apple 'cause I loved you, and why would you lie? And then I realized, you're just as naive as I am; Oh, you're so traumatized, it makes me wanna cry; You dumb bitch, I loved you, I loved you, I loved you, it's true; I wanted to be you and do what you do; I lived here, I loved here, I bought it, it's true; I'm so embarrassed, I feel abused”  Completely just Cherry’s experience with Ad*m.

Love Like You by Rebecca Sugar “I always thought I might be bad; Now I'm sure that it's true; 'Cause I think you're so good; And I'm nothing like you; Look at you go; I just adore you; I wish that I knew; What makes you think I'm so special”  It very much fits Reki’s view of Langa.

Can You Feel My Heart by Bring Me The Horizon “I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone; I long for that feeling to not feel at all; The higher I get, the lower I'll sink; I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim” A lot of these songs are fairly angsty and I blame Reki.

Gotta Go My Own Way from High School Musical “What about us? What about everything we've been through? What about trust? You know I never wanted to hurt you; And what about me? What am I supposed to do? I gotta leave but I'll miss you” I wish I didn’t have this song in here, but it just fits so well.

Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi “So, before you go; Was there something I could've said; To make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather; So, before you go; Was there something I could've said; To make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless” This one is Langa’s perspective, directed at Reki.

Michael in the Bathroom from Be More Chill “Everything felt fine; When I was half of a pair; And through no fault of mine; There's no other half there” Ouch. I don’t know if this represents Reki or Langa, but yeah.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend by Taylor Swift “School bell rings, walk me home; Sidewalk chalk covered in snow; Lost my gloves, you give me one "Wanna hang out?"; Yeah, sounds like fun; Video games, you pass me a note; Sleeping in tents; It's nice to have a friend” This song is just very soft and makes me think of Renga.

Runaway Baby by Bruno Mars “Ah, yes; Check it out; Well, looky here, looky here, ah, what do we have? Another pretty thing ready for me to grab; But little does she know that I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing; ‘Cause at the end of the night, it is her I'll be holding” It just sounds similar to the opening and has the right vibes.

Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye and Kimbra “ But you didn't have to cut me off; Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing; And I don't even need your love; But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough” Could be applied to Renga after the fight, Cherry and Joe’s friendship with Ad*m, or even Tadashi and Ad*m’s relationship.

I Can’t Handle Change by Roar “I can't help but repeat myself; I know it's not your fault; Still lately, I begin to shake; For no reason at all” More Reki angst.

Infinity by Jaymes Young “'Cause you're the reason I believe in fate; You're my paradise; And I'll do anything to be your love, or be your sacrifice; 'Cause I love you for infinity; I love you for infinity” You know, infinity. They want to skate together infinitely.

Snow by Ricky Montgomery “To me, evergreen wasn't such a bad dream; Oh, and sometimes things aren't as plain as they seem; Darling, when I go bury me six feet in snow” Langa’s S name is Snow, so it was fitting. And this also just suits Renga’s relationship in general.

Cherry Bomb by The Runaways “Hey, street boy, what some style? Your dead end dreams don't make you smile; I'll give you something to live for; Have you and grab you until you're sore” I don’t know, it has the right vibes, but also Cherry.

Devil Town by Cavetown “Devil town is colder in the summertime; I'll lose my mind at least another thousand times; Hold my hand tight, we'll make it another night; I still get a little scared of something new; But I feel a little safer when I'm with you; Falling doesn't feel so bad when I know you've fallen this way too”

Cloud 9 by Beach Bunny “I don't wanna seem the way I do; But I'm confident when I'm with you; Lately, all I feel is bad and bruised; Tired of tripping on my shoes”

crushcrushcrush by Paramore “Nothing compares to a quiet evening alone; Just the one, two of us who's counting on; That never happens; I guess I'm dreaming again; Let's be more than this” I swear, Langa has the biggest crush on Reki.

Betty by Cabeau “Betty, I won't make assumptions about; Why you switched your homeroom; I think it's 'cause of me; Betty, one time I was riding on my skateboard; And I passed your house; It's like I couldn't breathe” This song screams Langa, and just Renga in general.

I will probably be adding more to this in the future (I need more songs for everyone that isn’t Reki or Langa lol)

[largereputation]

Aha! It's an (updated) Q&A!

Hello! My name is Emily, and I come onto Tumblr once every blue moon. I started 1 2 3 let's go bitch, which is a small chant that started during Taylor's reputation tour!

Since 123lgb is taking off again thanks to the likes of TikTok (an app that I just cannot figure out), I thought I'd do an updated lil Q&A, as MUCH has happened since the last one! I'll just be answering questions I receive a lot, both on here and Tumblr.

You can find the old Q&A here! It's pretty much just about how this whole thing started. :)

How WAS the secret session?

For all who don't know - I went to the Lover Secret Sessions in Los Angeles!!! It was a DREAM - everyone was so kind and it felt very authentic. I almost felt like I didn't deserve to be there, for it was TOO beautiful (location wise, people wise, so on).

Did Taylor know your name?

She did! When we met, she screamed "1 2 3 let's go bitch" to me as I walked up and when we met to hug she said "Hi Emily!" and I just stood there like "??? Hi Taylor Swift?" just in culture shock. We talked about some stuff, like some mental health things, Lover and songwriting, how I need her to perform If This Was a Movie live someday, basic stuff. It was insane - very, very insane.

When and how did Taylor find your account?

Taylor (to my knowledge) has never interacted with me on this account. Taylor Nation reached out to me on July 24th, 2019. I had no follows from them, nor likes. Funny enough, when I did my first Q&A, I blantantly lied and said Taylor Nation didn't reach out to me - sorry folks! 🤪

Did anybody around you comment on the chant when you first did it?

Nope. Throughout the night, me and my friends were screaming stuff similar to that just for our own amusement. Since Delicate was in the middle of the show, I think at that point everyone around us just accepted the weird shit we were yelling. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Does anyone in your real life know about it?

Ohhhhh yeah. I mean, if a random girl you went to school with met Taylor Swift at her house, wouldn't you be real fucking confused? I hate telling people because I don't wanna act like I'm top shit or anything, but mostly my friends just try to poke fun about it towards me. Here's a little story actually: last year, pre-sessions, I had a huge schoolgirl crush on a guy in my film class, and the topic of 123lgb came up and I had to explain it to him, and so one of my friends attached a computer to the speakers we had and played my video, at full volume, in front of him. I'll remind you that the original video is horrendous, for my voice was 75% gone and most people that find the video think I'm a dude. And, to make things worse, he found my twitter account that night. It was a horrifying moment.

How do you feel about people making things with the quote on it (like mugs, stickers, so on)?

It used to bother me, for I felt very sad only because I didn't think of it first, but now, I don't give a shit LOL... it's a FANDOM inside joke, so if people wanna plaster it on things, whether it's a lil keychain or a fucking billboard, I don't care! It's all in good fun anyway, I just think it's crazy that ppl still find it that amusing. It warms my heart that my stupidity has lasted this long :,)

Do you think the chant will be on the re-recorded version of Delicate?

No, and I can only pray to God that it does not. I highly, HIGHLY doubt that it will, though, for the whole reason the chant is so popular is because it didn't fit the song: it was a really loud and energetic chant for a song that's pretty mellow and slow (in comparison). It just doesn't make sense for it to be in the re-recording. I'm perfectly fine with it living in the live performances, and only the live performances.

Do you ever get annoyed with the entire thing?

Eh, I don't know if annoyed is the word... I don't like having to defend it, though. People have claimed that it was cringe and stupid and not funny (which, duh), but I didn't create it on purpose you know? It literally just happened, and I hate having to explain it to people who don't find it funny. It wasn't ever meant to be funny, but then people thought it was! Besides that though, I never mind people asking me about it or really only following me because of it - again, it just amazes me that a simple thing like that grew into such a weird (yet great) thing :,)

What's your favorite off of Folklore and Evermore?

*cracks knuckles* well, it's constantly changing... there's no way I can pin it towards just one song, for I think these are Taylor's best albums ever. So I'll give my top 5 even though that's not what was asked <3

Folklore

exile

hoax

illicit affairs

this is me trying

august

Evermore

coney island

tolerate it

champagne problems

right where you left me

closure

And that's all folks!

If anyone wants a secret sessions Q&A, I'll gladly try to make one! Just send me questions and I'll try to answer! (I know I'm a bit late cause, well, Lover came out a year and a half ago, but hey! It's never too late....right?) but anyway, thanks for reading <3

- emily

[dickstailcoat]

So, I’m finally near the end again of SNS 1 (who needs sleep anyways) and I already have thoughts when comparing it to later stories he has written, be it in the SNS series or entirely new ones. I’ll provide a more thorough in-depth analysis once my notes are organized and I don’t have to deal with my day-job, but here’s a huge observation that I already see in book 1:

Rob is way in over his head.

From the get-go, we see a feminist character who is not as inclusive as many readers would like to think or feel. Repeatedly, she body shames herself, as if this is all women think about when considering their appearances, and judges other women for their ideals. She defies expectations of women, yet bows down to a man, ignoring that strong pillar of her personality. She preaches inclusivity yet shuns other women in the story who are bound by society and literally have no choice. There is something strange about her, as if she is a hero, but not one who knows the depths of the problems she faces, or the consequences of what her actions might bring.

In layman’s terms: throughout the story, there is just something off.

Eventually, the plot dwindles into some far-off abyss (let’s be honest, since book 2, the plot has gone south), and we get a more and more superficial character who appears to be all over the place in her ideals and morale, and less and less a strong woman. As a consequence, we see that core pillar of her personality, being a feminist, disappear.

This is when as the reader, if you take a critical eye to it, you realize what that ‘something’ is. She reminds you of your brother, father, uncle, grandfather, boyfriend, husband, and male friend. She knows the issues exist, she sees them, she can critically assess them, she even constantly makes light of them, but she doesn’t truly experience them fully as all women do.

Now, I’m a clown myself who often tries to make light of situations; however, I know even I will break sometimes because being a woman sometimes really sucks. I know Lilly hasn’t experienced sexual assault like many have, but she has experienced restrictions and worry over what will happen to her if she doesn’t conform to the expectations. I’m living in an very open society, and I still feel anxious, nervous, and upset over that. I still sometimes feel sad because there will always be a man saying I can’t. This happens to her too – repeatedly – and she barely bats an eye. But, she is a female character, so why doesn’t she?

The reason for this is simple: Rob is a man, and can never fully comprehend the true worries, fears, and issues women faced now, let alone then when they were much more severe.

As you read on, you begin to wonder as a reader: whose voice is this? Is it the author’s or Lilly’s? It is normal for an author to put a little bit of themselves in a character, sometimes even more so! But there is a problem when it is a man doing it to a female character. We start to see the mix of ideals and experiences; we start to see the boundary where a male writer cannot grasp what women go through on a day-to-day basis.

That would be fine initially, perhaps, for any new author. Why should we limit artistic expression? But it starts to blur into the reader’s perspective as to whether Rob himself feels this way. Because in this story, it is one single ‘joke’, and is never dealt with - not once - properly. We don’t know for an absolute fact if he himself feels this way, he’s never made it clear! But it starts to look worse and worse as the stories go on and women are less and less powerful except when they are needed to bring the reader back in from the lost plot, as if to say “Hey look! I do care sometimes!”

The result is an author writing about inclusivity, but instead, it comes across as discriminative. We have a single flat tone, as if someone is pressing a C note throughout the story, and never progressing. I don’t know about you guys, but if Taylor Swift played one single note for her entire career, none of us would be listening. It stays there the entire time, a ruler-straighter tonality of constant comedy, turning and warping the inclusivity into cheap plot devices, and mental walls for the readers that he has to shakily try to break every so often.

With that in mind, after a few books the author’s ‘colours’ start to show if this continues.

I started this series way back in the age of the dinosaurs, and adored it. I still do! I have nothing against the stories themselves or characters, I love me a good Victorian romance, but my goodness – the way the subject matter is dealt with is practically insulting of late!

I decided to go back to SNS 1, and look at it critically, as if I’m back in uni trying to dissect Shakespeare. Worryingly, it’s already visible in book 1, and is excused repeatedly with commentary by the author using what I like to call ‘false empathy’.  An Instagram commenter recently mentioned that A/Ns are unprofessional, and I agree, I think they’re dangerous. It is better to be upfront in the Prelude or Foreword, or shameless about the fact that you don’t care (G.R Martin, anyone?) because this starts to add the author’s view. With Rob constantly trying to excuse things, it makes everyone question things more and more – although perhaps in light of recent events, this is a good thing.

The fact of the matter is, at the end of the day, “This was how it was in the time” is not an excuse to have the main female character constantly beat her appearance and dismiss other female characters whilst her own personality is diminished. It tricks readers into thinking a male author cares - but does he? Can he? Will he ever truly understand?

Probably not, it’s impossible.

However, this doesn’t mean he needs to stop, and that I despise his stories (okay, maybe a little bit 😉). It means he needs to change. It can’t be ‘this is what happened and this is how it was’. It needs to be this is how it was, this is what happened, this is how it felt, and this is it’s impact. It means he needs to read a book on feminism and issues women experience. It means he needs to ask women to gain a view as to how these things actually feel, and to gain insight into how it’s not something to make a 24/7 joke out of for multiple years. He needs to read up on how those who do not fit the particular ‘box’ of discrimination he is dealing with tend to not like it when you constantly make fun of it tactlessly. There are ways to go about it, you can be funny and deal with serious issues.

Instead, Rob has chosen (and I mean chosen, the OG fandom has been trying for years to message and help this get fixed) to continue on this flatlining path where the star of our story is turned into a joke and a male stereotype of women. It is a shame, because Lilly is pretty damn cool, but he conveniently plucks that core principle out of her as the books go on, until she is eventually a husk whose only purpose is to be funny.  

In case you guys ever wondered why the OG fandom stopped reading, stopped being active on the content, and why we only post memes and have turned these two into a running joke, but still keep original Lilly in our quotes, this is why.

[greenglasslov3]

Rewrite The Stars

A/N: This is my contribution to One Quote/One Shot Book 2! Many thanks to @balfeheughlywed and @notevenjokingfic for organizing this event yet again - you two are rock stars. My quote is included in the story below in bold.

As for the story, it’s been in my head for quite some time to write a very specific high school au - a One Tree Hill/Outlander crossover. While the idea of writing another full-fledge story with a complex plot seemed very daunting, writing a series of one shots felt a little less so. This fic is the first one shot in this crossover series, which I’ve titled Always & Forever.  Shout out to my awesome betas/cheerleaders @anoutlandishidea, @notameeksassenach, and @walkinginland for pushing me to get back in the saddle and write this story.  If you want some background music while reading, soundtracks for this fic include Style by Taylor Swift and Rewrite The Stars from The Greatest Showman. I hope you all enjoy it!

Rewrite The Stars

Midnight

Pebbles skip across the panes of my bedroom window, cracking like a whip, loud and sharp.  Once… then two more times… then once more.  The steady staccato of their barrage beats against glass, matching his persistence, his stubbornness.  He knows he could just text me - which would be far more discreet than pegging my house with tiny rocks - but he prefers the old-fashioned gesture, says it reminds him of simpler times and grand declarations made with boomboxes raised above one’s head.  He doesn’t worry about waking anyone with his racket because he knows I’m alone.  Uncle Lamb is gone once again on some fantastical adventure in search of ancient artifacts, and the rest of the street slumbers, blissfully unaware of any impending mischief.

He lobs another pebble, which ricochets off of a shutter and skitters across the roof line below my window.  Beneath the waves of bed linen, I roll onto my hip and flip on my bedside lamp, a shining beacon calling out to my lover below…

He’s not actually yours.

I chide myself, hissing at the pain that not only blossoms in my chest from my own cruel reality check but also from my big toe, which finds the corner of a forgotten textbook.  I’m a tangle of limbs, all sharp edges and knobby knees.  I shimmy into a pair of jeans and slip on my Keds in a completely uncoordinated ballet.  A blush creeps up my neck when I realize that he can see the shadows of my not-at-all graceful extremities behind my closed window curtains.  With no time for make-up, I bite my lip in hopes it stains the flesh just red enough to give the illusion of lipstick.

My heart hammers against my ribs, and I inhale deeply in a feeble attempt to calm my rattled nerves.  I’m shaken to my core before I even step outside.  My eyelids slide close as I swallow against the hard lump of self-doubt at the back of my throat.  

Buck up, Beauchamp.

With my chin held high, I dramatically toss back the drapes and flick open the locks.  The heels of my hands press into the wooden ledge.  Whispered curses pepper my tongue when a stray splinter catches the fleshy bit of my palm, but I carry on in spite of the pain.  I duck through the narrow opening and push the window sash back into place, all while balancing precariously on my tiptoes.  Half sitting, half crouching, I crab-walk down the angled porch roof.  When I reach the end, I slide onto my belly and catch the column below with my legs before scampering down the taper with the agile reflexes of a cat.  Swaying slightly as I steady myself against the porch railing, I find my footing in the grass below until a low chuckle catches me off guard.

“I didna ken ye were part wee cheetie, Sassenach.”

I swivel quickly on one heel, and the world continues to spin around me even though I’ve stopped moving.

Jamie.

He’s waiting for me, leaning against his black Ford Mustang with his arms folded across his chest and his cock-sure confidence tucked behind his stupid (yet horribly attractive) smirk.  His windswept curls are nearly black at night, but the streetlights tinge the tips rose gold, framing his in an angelic halo like some deity (though he’s definitely more devil than god at times).  Not one for high fashion, he’s dressed simply in his signature trainers, jeans, and a white T-shirt… the sleeves of which capped the bugle of his bicep just perfectly.

Damn him.

A breeze filters in and lifts the stray curls from my neck, but I still feel warm.

“Hi,” I say weakly.  My chin is tucked downward as I watch my own toes scuff the earth, but I peek through my eyelashes, hoping to catch Jamie’s eye.  My pulse thunders to life when I realize he hasn’t taken his eyes off of me.  Not once.

His tongue darts out to wet his lips, and I think I might faint.

“I didn’t see Lamb’s car…” he asks as he pushes himself off of his car.

“You wouldn’t,” I interrupt, taking three steps forward before I stop myself from seeming to eager. “He’s not here. Arizona.”

He glances up at my bedroom window and then back at me, his brow furrowing while his question takes form.  “But you...”

Pride floods my body, warming me to the tips of my fingers.  A small giggle bubbles from my lips as I trot towards him, shaking my head in slight disbelief that I’d actually pulled one over on him.  When we meet in the middle of the brick path in front of my house, we pause - a little awkward and mostly unsure of ourselves and the newness of whatever this is exactly.  Out of the corner of my eye, I catch the fingers of his left hand twitch, fluttering against his thigh.  I press my hands to his chest and silence his nerves with a small peck on his cheek before I whisper in his ear.

“Gotta keep you on your toes somehow, Fraser.”

~*~

We speed off into the night with only the moon and the stars to light our way.  Hurtling down back roads in Jamie’s convertible reminds me of a rollercoaster as we peel around hairpin curves and crest mountainous hills before flying down the incline.  The radio plays music softly in the background, low enough for us to easily converse over the dulcet melodies but neither one of us speaks.  We ride along in silence, with Jamie’s hand resting on the seat mere inches from mine.  When he taps his fingers along to the beat, his pinky occasionally brushes mine, and each time, my belly clenches before melting into molten silver.

“Where to?” He asks, breaking through the quietness but keeping his eyes trained on the road in front of him.

His words reach my ears and my brain stutters to start and then suddenly launches ahead like a speeding train.  I hadn’t thought about where’d we go.  Jamie always randomly picked a place for us to meet - the River Court, Moira’s Cafe after my shift, or one of our houses depending on who’s legal guardian was around (a phrase in which we found both humor and sympathy).  Tonight, I blindly dressed and tossed myself out the window without a single question, let alone as where’d we go.

“Anywhere…” I sigh as I shrug my shoulders.  The leather beneath me squeaks loudly, emitting a sound that could dissolve only us into a fit of immature laughter.

“Laoghaire is throwing a party,” Jamie suggests casually.

Laoghaire MacKenzie.

The very mention of her name turns my stomach sour.  We whip around another turn, and I’m caught off guard.  My knuckles turn white from gripping the door handle as I try to swallow back the bile that’s flooded my mouth.  Memories flood my vision of the last party I attended with Laoghaire MacKenzie in attendance: special trinkets and secret letters revealed for all to see… Jamie and I further divided by the cruel hierarchy of the high school caste system… my tears masked by a steaming shower later that night while I sobbed from the embarrassment of it all.

I wouldn’t dare be caught in her presence unguarded again.

“Anywhere but there,” I request, my voice as sharp as the turn Jamie takes down a hidden, one lane road before I can even finish speaking.

~*~

“What is this place?” I ask as we roll to a stop, half afraid Jamie’s brought me up here to fulfill some psychopathic, horror movie fantasy, half in awe of the beautiful sight before me.

The thick forest gave way to a clearing, jagged branches breaking off to reveal a small, wooden structure and a sky of winking stars overhead.  As I slam the heavy metal car door behind me, a breeze rustles the leaves, making me shiver in its cool wake.  I know we are somewhere in the Blue Ridge Mountains from the way the once flat roads rose to startlingly steep hills, but I didn’t have the foresight to grab a jacket.  Completely unphased, Jamie jogs ahead of me and takes the steps at the front porch two at a time.

“My grandfather’s,” he explains as he jimmies open the first lock.  The screeching of ancient metal tumblers echoes throughout the clearing, disturbing the peaceful night and doing little to sway my mind from more macabre paranoia.

Rubbing warmth into my arms with my palms, I say through chattering teeth, “I didn’t realize you were so close with him that you’d have a key.”

Every shred of confidence I had before is gone, leaving me a shaking and stuttering nervous wreck.

“I doubt he’ll mind…” he grumbles as he negotiates the second lock to open and the heavy, timber door swings open on creaking hinges. “He’s dead.”

Well, that’s comforting.

“You know, this is how most scary movies start…” I rock back on my heels as I nervously ramble.  “Guy takes girl up to his cabin far from civilization… lulls her into a false sense of security… and BAM! He turns out to be a serial killer or a werewolf or...something!”

In the moonlight, Jamie’s blue eyes twinkle with mirth as the corners of his mouth tug upwards into a slight smirk.

“No werewolves here, Sassenach,” he promises as he wraps an arm around my shoulders and ushers me inside. “But I might just have to take a bite out of you.”

He tucks his head into the crook of neck and nips at the sensitive flesh there.  My half-delighted, half-terrified squeals peal through the night air, and suddenly, I’m not so cold anymore.

~*~

We’re not inside long.  Jamie quickly gathers supplies and deposits them into a basket for easy carrying: a thick, plaid blanket, a bottle of whisky, and a flashlight.  

While he’s preoccupied, I acquaint myself with my surroundings.  I take note of the wide, hand-scraped floor boards and the large boulders stacked tall to form the fireplace.  The entire space smells faintly of wood smoke from long forgotten fires and greasy lanolin from well loved sweaters.  Above the raw timber mantel rests a hand-carved sign, the words Fraser’s Ridge etched into the marker.  

As my hand lifts to trace the letters with my fingertips, Jamie materializes beside me and beckons me to join him outside.  We walk out into the night with his fingers intertwined with mine.

Fifty yards behind the cabin, the earth suddenly drops into oblivion.  I’m sure the views are spectacular in daylight, but tonight the night sky steals the breath from my lungs.  The inky shadows of the geography below layer the scenery in varying shades of purple.  Wine-stained hills roll down the ravine and eggplant colored silhouettes of tree tops dot the horizon.  Above us, the heavens explode with starlight, thousands sparkling crystals spattered across a velvety indigo canvas.

Lost in the beauty of this place, I hardly notice Jamie, who has brought a roaring fire to life with little else but his bare hands and some kindling.  The warmth of the flames draws me back from the cliff’s edge as I wander closer to the hearth.  Halved-logs surround the fire pit in a circle, the make-shift benches just wide enough for two to share.  I sink into the empty space besides Jamie, and he wraps us both in the thick, woolen tartan before offering me a tin cup.  In comfortable silence, we casually sip our whisky as we lose ourselves in the glistening nightscape above our heads.

“See that grouping of stars just to the west?” Jamie whispers.  His lips graze the outer shell of my ear, and my skin erupts into goosebumps at the sensation.  I nestle closer into the crook of his arm as he continues.

The low hum of his voice lulls me into sleepy complacency.  His Scottish burr rumbles deep in his chest and vibrates against my ribs like a purring kitten.  Despite the chill of the autumn air, warmth tingles throughout my entire body to the very tips of my toes.  My head is thick and fuzzy partially from the late hour, but mostly from the nearly empty cup in my lap (my third helping of whisky).

Jamie’s voice carries on steadily, never once wavering as he teaches me about the constellations - a twist on our normal tutor/student relationship.  With each formation, he explains the mythology behind them.  Canis Major and Canis Minor.  Hercules and Hydra.  Orion and Scorpius.  Like most Scots, he’s a born storyteller with a gift to color any tale with vivid language and dramatic pauses, and I’m completely captivated.  As he speaks of the lovers Perseus and Andromeda, his hand cups my cheek and tilts my face towards his.  I blink, my eyelids fluttering open and close as I lean towards him.  His lips hover inches from mine, when my brain decides to intervene.

What exactly are you doing, Beauchamp?!

I press my hands against Jamie’s chest, pushing him away and pressing myself backwards as I mumble “Not so fast, soldier.”

“What’s wrong?” Jamie asks, but I’m untangle my limbs from the blanket and stand up before I can stop to answer him.

Propelled by doubt, my legs stumble over the bench and march back towards the cabin.  Fear settles into a lead pit in my stomach.  Its icy fingers trace frost-laden trails down my spine, and before long I’m shaking… from the cold… from the bone-weary uneasiness that has never left the back of my mind.

What on earth does Jamie Fraser - the most popular guy in school - want with me?

“Claire!” He shouts over the crunching of leaves beneath his feet as he chases after me.  “Will ye even tell me what I did to offend ye?”

I spin on my heel and charge towards him, ignoring the loose curls that sharply smack against my face.

“What you did?” I scream back. “The rumor mill is churning with all sorts of stories about you, Fraser.”

I’m bluffing for the most part.  Sure, everyone talks about Jamie Fraser - star point guard and hottest boy in the junior class.  Who wouldn’t?  But no one is exactly sharing these stories with me.  I am now a part of these stories, a starring role at times even.  The clumsy nerd Jamie’s taken to his bed.  To most, I’m a charity case or the unfortunate consequence of a lost bet.  To all, I could never be worthy of the title girlfriend.

Jamie stops and sighs, his head dropping to his chest.  He clutches the blanket wrapped around his shoulders a little tighter as he asks, “What have ye heard?”

What had I heard?

Very little, truth be told.  I caught the tale end of a story when I was waiting for Jamie after practice one afternoon.  The cheerleaders never thought much of me anyway to consider stopping their mindless chatter as the exited the gym, though I’m certain they meant for me to hear this particular story.

I open my mouth to speak, but the words catch in my throat.

Do you really want to do this?

When our tutoring arrangement turned into something more, we allowed our relationship to develop naturally, albeit secretly.  We never once agreed on titles or labels; we never even stopped to have the conversation.  It crossed my mind plenty of times - when we’d search for a new secret spot to meet or when we passed each other in the halls without nothing more than a quick glance.  And yet, each time I stopped myself, my inner cheerleader chastising me for being less than cool.  It was easier this way… or so I thought.

“That you’ve been out with some other girl…” I admit quietly, my voice cracking along with my heart as I finally allow myself to feel the bitter sting of betrayal.

Jamie reaches for me, his own voice shaking as he speaks. “It’s no’ what ye think…”

“Oh it isn’t, is it?” I scoff as I shuffle backwards.  My heels collide with something solid and rough behind me as my palms find the lip of a concrete ledge.

“Damn it, Claire, d’ye have to do this all the time?” he demands.

“In a word - yes,” I say, sinking exhaustedly onto the rim of an ornamental fountain.

From my perch, I watch Jamie seethe before me.  Tempered rage boils beneath his flushed cheeks, and I imagine steam billowing from his ears.  The fingers of his left hand drum a steady tattoo against his thigh as he chews his bottom lip.  The tempo matches the beat of my racing heart.  

Squeeze.  Release.  Squeeze.  Release.

“Who?” He asks after an eternity passes.

“Laoghaire.”

Her name blooms on my tongue like poison, sickeningly sweet before turning to bitter ash.  The languid L coats my tongue with a thick, syrupy medicine for my own grand delusions; the long E whistles through my gritted teeth, the melody for my own funeral (cause of death - social suicide).  My eyelids narrow and I cross my arms over my chest as I wait - for the lie that will grant me sweet relief even if it’s just for one night… for the truth that will certainly destroy me…

Tracing some invisible path on the ground, Jamie’s gaze darts back and forth, but it doesn’t once meet mine.

“Oh…” I choke back a sob that bubbles at the back of my throat.  Pushing myself off to the ledge, I rise to leave - the back door to the cabin in my sites.

“It’s no like that!” He roars.  His hand wraps around my wrist and he pulls me back, drawing me close to him.  His strong arms clasp me tight to his chest, iron bands holding me firmly in place as I struggle to break free.

“Explain it to me then!” I loudly screech into his face, continuing to fight his embrace.  “What’s it like, hmm?”

Slowly, Jamie softens.  The muscles in his arms relax and his gripping fingers release until his hands are gently palming my hips.  The tension in his furrowed brow melts.  His shoulders sag, rounding gently inward until his curving around me like the delicate shell of a caterpillar’s cocoon, the tartan blanket protecting us both from the chilly night air.

“What you’ve heard is true,” he whispers, releasing his secret to the universe.  “I’ve been out wi’ the lass once or twice but it’s not… I can’t…”

His words stutter and stammer until his finally silent, rendered speechless by a myriad of emotions I watch flash across his eyes.  In his own face, I see my own fear and doubt mirrored back at me.  I hear a small cracking sound from deep within my chest - my own heart breaking for him… for us...

I brush a stray curl from his temple as I ask him, prompting him where he left off. “Can’t what?”

Suddenly, he looks up at me - eyes wild and bright.

“I can’t stop thinking about this.”

Jamie’s lips are on mine before my subconscious can put up a fight, allowing my heart to fully give in.  We are no longer shy or awkward.  We are hungry.  Dizzy with lust, I steady myself, gripping his shoulders as his tongue laps at my lower lip, begging entrance.  Arching into him, I moan against his mouth while my hands palm the muscular planes of his chest.  He hooks his thumbs into my belt loops and jerks me forward, our hips colliding in delicious friction.  As I press into him once more, our uncoordinated efforts to climb inside the other’s skin knock the tartan loose from our bodies.  Jamie shouts at the sudden shock to his system, and I whimper in the cold.

While he gathers the discarded blanket from the ground, I shyly whisper. “I can’t stop thinking about it either… us… I mean.”

Once he’s fully upright, Jamie pauses.  He stands before me.  He holds the blanket bunched in his palms, and the flesh of his low belly is bare, the hem of his shirt rucked up over his hip.  Perfectly disheveled, I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so beautiful in my whole life… and I think I could maybe love this boy.

Gently, he wraps the tartan around my shoulders.  When he steps towards me, I return the favor and nestle us both beneath the thick wool.  

He presses a kiss to my forehead as he mumbles into my hair.

“We best get ye inside, Sassenach. Yer shiverin.” 

~*~

Daylight catches us by surprise, even though we sleep well past noon.  Well, at least I do.  When I finally untangle myself from the mountains of bed sheets and stumble my way out into the land of the living, I find Jamie outside once more.  

“That looks like a nutritious breakfast,” I comment as I walk towards him, noting the red and blue box of Cracker Jack clutched in his fist.

“S’all I could find,” he mutters between bites.

I sit down next to him, and he tilts the box towards me, sharing his meager meal.  We sit quietly munching on the crispy snacks.  In the daylight, I can now see the brilliant shades of autumn across the valley below.  Deep burgundy, brilliant copper, and shining gold all merge together as one against the forget-me-not blue sky.  There’s not a cloud in sight, and the warm sun replaces the bitter chill from the night before.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Jamie as we eat.  He’s comfortable up here in the mountains, relaxed and naturally himself - for someone I thought of as a true city boy.  He’s at peace as the ruler of his own domain with no one for miles.

This is my Jamie - the real Jamie. 

It doesn’t take long to finish our breakfast.  A small box of Cracker Jack is no match for two hungry and hung-over teens.  Jamie’s fingers dive in once more, reaching for the bottom in search of crumbs.  Instead, he unearths a bracelet.  It’s clearly meant for a child with its mismatched, brightly colored beads strung along an elastic band.  He doesn’t hesitate.  He takes my hand and gently threads the bracelet onto my wrist before pressing a kiss to my knuckles.

“Don’t say I never gave you anything.”

Fin.

[blaugreen]

Nine Albums Later, Tegan and Sara Are Finally Ready to Discuss High School

In a new memoir and an album of songs they wrote as teenagers, the feminist pop stars look back at their traumas, triumphs and life as identical twins.

By Jenn Pelly and Liz Pelly Sept. 24, 2019 Updated 6:33 p.m. ET

To be a twin can be a psychological house of mirrors. And so where better to meet up with Tegan and Sara Quin — feminist pop heroes, freshly minted authors, and, like us, identical twins — than at a kaleidoscopic infinity room in Chelsea? As we left the small mirrored room at the kitschy Museum of Illusions, where our likenesses warped and refracted, we encountered a third set of twins. Reality grew ever more psychedelic, and we snapped a photograph of the six of us to commemorate it.

In their new memoir, “High School,” the Quin sisters alternate chapters to detail their teenage years. Growing up in Canada, they worshiped Nirvana, Green Day and the Smashing Pumpkins. They discovered and explored their sexuality. They sneaked out to raves, dropped acid, fought authority. When a classmate spewed homophobic statements during a lesson on STDs, Sara hurled a chair across the room. In the end, the twins competed in a life-changing battle of the bands. “If we don’t win tonight,” Tegan said onstage, “our mom is going to make us go to college.” They won.

While gathering their research for the book, Tegan and Sara found cassettes of some of their earliest songs. And so “High School” is accompanied by a new album, “Hey, I’m Just Like You,” featuring polished-up re-workings of those unearthed demos. Some of the songs evoke the ’90s indie pop of the band’s Lilith Fair era, while others could be the seeds of electronic-dance bangers. The connective thread is the unguarded emotionality of a teenage perspective.

This multimedia set is yet more experimentation from a band that, across nine albums, has moved from folky indie rock into synth-driven dance tracks and mainstream pop. Tegan and Sara sang “Everything Is Awesome” (“The Lego Movie” theme song) at the 2015 Oscars, and have performed with Taylor Swift. In 2016 they launched their Tegan and Sara Foundation, to benefit organizations committed to health, economic justice and representation for L.G.B.T.Q. girls and women.

During a conversation at a downtown cafe, Tegan was forthright and unapologetic, while Sara was analytical, using an app to astrologically survey our twin-by-twin dynamic. They frequently chipped at each other’s memories and perspectives to hone the truth and soon turned the questions on us: Did we feel ever competitive with each another, or encroached upon, as twins with the same career? These are excerpts from the conversation.

JENN PELLY As identical twins, we have strengths and weaknesses that are different but complementary. I often think: If you put us back together, we would be a perfect person. Do you relate?

TEGAN AND SARA QUIN 100 percent.

SARA I wouldn’t be as extreme, if Tegan wasn’t Tegan. I would have balanced myself differently. When Tegan would go through a dark stage, and be a little more chaotic, I would straighten up and be more disciplined. When Tegan went through a punk stage and started getting tattoos everywhere, I was like, I’m going to wear tailored clothing.

LIZ PELLY I think some twins learn early on that collaboration requires compromise and patience.

SARA A lot of people will say, “I have mommy issues” or “daddy issues.” I have Tegan issues. A lot of my hangups or dysfunctions in relationships are based on our primary relationship as children — what worked for us, what didn’t, how difficult it was to share the same face.

Most people sort of break up with their mom or their dad when they go out into the world and become adults. With us, it’s like we broke up, but decided to co-parent our music career.

TEGAN I believe there is a deep desire in Sara to define herself outside of this duo, like she’s cutting off an appendage. It’s not sad for me anymore, but it was at first. We are better together. Our songs are more developed together, and we stand out in a crowd together. It’s very complicated, to want to sever and tether at the same time, this mix of emotions that’s feuding inside of you at all times: We desperately want to be apart, and be our own people, but I need her to thrive and survive.

JENN Explain the mirror on the cover of “High School.”

TEGAN The mirror is distorted, and so is our perception of ourselves, and of the past, and of each other. In writing the book, it was like: That’s what you remember? That’s what you thought was happening? Over the years, I’ve realized there’s this unfair weight put on our shoulders to represent both of us. It’s a psychic burden; you’re responsible for each other.

JENN One passage that shocked me was when you discover you’ve both been playing music alone. Liz and I talk about cryptophasia a lot, a secret language that some twins share. Is that how it felt?

SARA When I discovered the guitar, I didn’t need to know Tegan was also discovering the guitar. When I figured out I was attracted to my best friend, I just assumed Tegan was figuring out she was attracted to her best friend. I assumed there was this parallel experience happening at all times.

TEGAN I was shocked you had been doing the same things.

SARA Discovering the guitar and writing songs felt like an epiphany, like a miracle. I had been so bad at so many things. This was the one time in my life I picked something up, and I knew how to do it. It felt like a gift, like it saved me. I wanted to protect that for a second, in that little tiny moment where I was doing it alone. But playing with Tegan, I knew it was bigger and better and more special and more seductive to people.

JENN You write about not fitting in with the punks, while also offending people in school because of the way you dressed, like outsiders among outsiders. Did you embolden each other?

SARA I felt alienated at punk shows. I walked in with that chip on my shoulder — “I don’t belong” — and Tegan threw her bag on the wall, walked into the pit, banged her head and thrashed.

TEGAN I always felt, if you want to be in that room, go in that room. If you want to be invited there, go. If you want to be a part of things, be a part.

JENN I wonder if some of this confidence comes from having a built in support system — the us against the world type thing.

TEGAN I never needed an external source to inspire me. It’s inside of me. I want to make my own rules. I don’t want to ask permission. There were long stretches of our career where I felt Sara dwelled on meaningless things. But she was finding a way to work through, and I worked my way around.

There were certain criticisms made of us, early on, that felt unfair. They did not feel like musical criticisms. They felt borderline or blatantly misogynist. My reaction was to design a T-shirt with all of the quotes — Spin magazine: “Wicca-folk nightmare.” Pitchfork: “Tampon rock.” I wanted to sell it on our website, and embrace the part of our history that made us as tough as we are now — not hardened, not bitter, but thrilled to be a part of this still. Because we got around it, and she got through it, and we’re still here.

SARA I always had a more institutional perspective. It wasn’t “tampon rock” that bothered me, it was sexism that bothered me. It was homophobia that bothered me.

The only reason I’m still making music, in this band, is because Tegan was championing me and cheering me on and trying to get me past these obstacles. But I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I felt furious at the industry, at the institutions that were inherently flawed and discriminatory. Even as a young person, I thought: If we’re the ones making it, and I feel this bad, Jesus, what does it feel like to be the artist that isn’t breaking through? I appreciated Tegan going around the obstacles, but I was like: I want to put dynamite under the obstacle and blow it up. We really have struggled with that dynamic.

A lot of that was planted early in our lives. Tegan’s coming out story is so different. She didn’t face the same type of homophobia. She didn’t have the same type of trauma as I did. Tegan holds her girlfriend’s hand on the street. I don’t. I’m afraid. I don’t care how big WorldPride is or how many cool new queer artists are on the covers of magazines. My experience informed how I react to the world. And that sometimes is hard to reconcile.

JENN I was thinking about your song “Nineteen” from “The Con,” which also describes your teenage years. Do you feel you’ve been reflecting on this part of your life for a while now?

TEGAN When we started talking about other songs that could be included [on our upcoming tour], the first song I thought of was “Nineteen.” I thought about how much of our music harkens back to that high school period. We’ve been diminished over and over throughout our careers for only writing love songs. But what we were really writing about was relationships, including the ones with ourselves — about family, friends, work. You talk about everything when you’re talking about relationships. There’s something about tethering the old songs to the modern age that becomes very cinematic for me. It starts to tell a bigger story.

LIZ You’ve described “You Go Away and I Don’t Mind,” from the new album, as being about the futility of fame. What is it like to reflect on that now that you are famous?

SARA I think that is the most strangely prophetic song. It was very surreal to read those lyrics all of these years later. Because for me, it’s very coherent. Since we were little, we had drawn undeserved or unearned attention. We would go to the mall as little kids and people would touch us. And that’s very disorienting and destabilizing as a young person. I think we did feel popular but it felt false. And in a lot of ways that echoes what it feels like to be famous or to be a celebrity in some ways. It can feel very empty.

JENN In part of the book, a friend’s brother asks you to jam, and you talk about how badly you wanted to be taken seriously. Was there a point in which you finally felt like you were taken seriously?

TEGAN To this day there’s a part of us that doesn’t feel like we’ve been taken that seriously, and I think all women probably feel that way. But we’ve now spent the majority of our adult life doing the thing we love, and we’re approached every day by people who are like, “I exist because of you.” Things like the Grammys become less important when you have an entire generation of people who are grateful you were bold and open about being gay before it was cool.

SARA We want journalists and fans, and culture at large, to reconcile how we see young women as artists — and when we begin seeing art as valuable. With our new songs, there are going to be people who say, “Oh, isn’t it cute? They released songs from when they were in high school.” But we want this music to be taken seriously. Not because we’re 38 years old and rerecording these songs, but because we were 15, 16 and 17 years old when we wrote them. And as 38-year-old women who have been around the world, who have experienced so much, I still think there is value in what I had to say. I went back and listened to that music and decided it is valuable.

TEGAN Actually I did first and then you did two months later.

SARA We are challenging people to see this work as sophisticated and mature and ahead of its time.

When we were teenagers, our music was written about as “rudimentary, but geez, there is something there.” It wasn’t rudimentary. There was something remarkable about what we were trying to say. There is something so profound about your first experiences. I fell in love multiple times. I was depressed. I was suicidal. I was passionate. I fought with my mother. I broke up with my sister. Those are some of the biggest moments of my life. How am I supposed to just write them off, like, “Oh who cares, I was a teenager.”

LIZ We’re taught that thinking in an emotionally-charged way is something for your teenage years. But actually, that sort of emotional intensity is powerful to carry with you throughout your life.

SARA I have a visceral memory of sitting down to write the song “Hello” at the end of grade 12. I had been devastated by this girl, Zoe, in the book — I loved her, and she was like, “I don’t like girls.” I was grappling with all of these big things. And I remember thinking, “I wish I was older. I wish I knew how to get through this.” I’m 38 years old, and every time I sing that line, I feel that right now. I wish I knew how to do this better. I don’t understand why I’m still suffering. I don’t understand why I’m still not better.

TEGAN It’s powerful to acknowledge that you don’t have all of the answers yet.

SARA When I sat down and listened to the demos, I just thought: I’m so glad little Tegan and Sara wrote all this music. They were better at addressing my feelings than I am right now.

[back-to-swift]

How I Became A Swiftie...

So, I was at this camp in 5th grade for a school field trip. I was 10. The counselors at this camp were singing Love Story the whole time we were there and I was like, ‘What is this song?!?!’ When I got home, I immediately looked it up and I fell in love with what I was hearing!! A few days later, I told my mom about this singer, Taylor Swift, and she drove me to Target and bought me Fearless. Not too long after that, she bought me the debut album as a surprise and omg I was instantly OBSESSED with both of these masterpieces!! I told all my friends and got some of them hooked! I would literally spend HOURS of my days locked in my room listening, singing, dancing, and even writing my own versions of these songs!! My whole life became Taylor! I looked up to her SO much! Fearless still holds such a special place in my heart because it was the first Taylor album that I ever listened to and the songs just bring back this feeling of nostalgia. They’re very special to me, so that album will always be one of my favs!

Fast forward to 2010 when Speak Now came out!! I was in 7th grade and that one really impacted me, as well. Junior high is an interesting stage in life because you’re trying to figure out who you are and you’re experiencing certain emotions for the first time. For me, I had this huge crush on my best friend at the time, so these songs really struck a chord with me. What really helped me through this time in my life was the prologue that she wrote for the lyric booklet. I also looked back at the Fearless prologue as well. Some quotes that stood out specifically are, “Words can break someone into a million pieces, but they can also put them back together. I hope you use yours for good, because the only words you’ll regret more than the ones left unsaid are the ones that you use to intentionally hurt someone,” and, “...I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.” Also, “There is a time for silence. There is a time for waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it. I don’t think you should wait, I think you should speak now.” The main quote that really really stuck with me and still sticks with me to this day is, “Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else.” When I took in these messages that I know came straight from Taylor’s heart, they helped me tell my best friend, and when he didn’t like me back in that way, these words also helped me be okay with that. When he fell for my other best friend, Taylor’s words helped me accept that, too. These albums became the soundtrack to my life. These songs made me feel less alone. They made me feel like somebody got me, somebody understood exactly what I was feeling. And even though I didn’t know her personally, I knew she was there for me. That’s when I knew she would start to mean so much more to me than just a singer I look up to. She started to feel more like a friend or an older sister who had all the advice I’d ever need.

In 2012, Red was released. It was my freshman year of high school. It was a time where everything was changing. I had changed schools for the first time in my entire life and I was still desperately trying to get over my best friend. This album came out at the perfect time. Songs like I Almost Do and All Too Well made me feel, again, like Taylor knew exactly what I was feeling. It was one of the saddest times in my life for a plethora of reasons. I felt insecure, I had to come to terms with the fact that this boy would never like me and I had to watch him and feel him grow further and further away from me, I felt lonely, I was fighting with my parents a lot, and I just was not happy, at all. The first few years of high school be like that sometimes, but thanks to Taylor, I didn’t have to feel completely hopeless and lost. I didn’t really understand the album fully at the time, but the songs on it that did resonate with me became a huge part of my life.

1989 came out when I was FINALLY getting over all that sadness and insecurity. I finally found the strength to let go of that guy and I finally had a solid group of friends who accepted me and loved me for me. I was getting along with my parents and I just felt a little more free. And what better album to become the new soundtrack to my life than 1989?? An album that is literally about freedom and becoming comfortable with where you’re at in life. Another reason why I loved this specific era was because it was the first time I ever got to go to a Taylor concert!! I was absolutely in love with the songs on 1989!!!! I went to the San Diego show with my best friend. We were at the very top, but it was truly one of my favorite nights ever. It still is to this day!!! I had just started my senior year of high school when I went to this concert. I was also new to the Tumblr scene and other fans inspired me to do a project. I cut out probably 100 colorful hearts and I brought them with me. When I got to my seat, I passed them out to people around me and I told them to hold them up during Clean. I wanted to show my love and appreciation to Taylor through that. I seriously can’t thank her enough for writing, “She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything.” That quote is exactly what I needed and it became my life motto! That night was so special and it’s one I’ll never forget.

Now, let me talk about reputation, which is personally, my favorite album ever!! I was a sophomore in college and omg, I was absolutely completely in love with everything about this album and this era!!! I still am!!! When Look What You Made Me Do dropped, I was driving. I blasted it all the way home and I swear, I SCREAMED every single time I listened to, “The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, cause she’s dead!” I am not kidding you!!! I was OBSESSED and also SHOOK. I was blasting it in my car outside my house and my mom came out and was like, “What are you doing?” And I told her that Taylor Swift just released the greatest song ever!!! When the whole album came out, my best friend and I filmed our reactions to every song. We screamed, we cried, we fell on the floor, we laughed, and we smiled. We still watch those videos and die laughing at ourselves being so shook every few months. I was fully immersed into this era because it was different and it was dark and sassy. 

When I first heard Gorgeous, I felt like the Taylor Swift entered into my mind and wrote exactly what I was feeling and how I acted whenever I liked someone. It was seriously so accurate, I was actually scared like WHAT?!?! Did I meet Taylor and tell her about my life and I just don’t remember or…??? Anyway, this era is special to me because I got to see my idol from the front row for the very first time in that whole decade of loving and supporting her. We got to our seats on the floor at the Pasadena show, but we couldn’t see ANYTHING because these tall guys were in front of us. So, my friend went over to the Shake It Off B-stage and asked security if we could stand there. Sure enough, she told us we could!!!! So we got to be front row!!! And I was on the edge right where there was a little opening for her to come out and go to the other B-stage. So, after that set, right before Blank Space, she walked right next to me. And I mean, if I reached out my arm, not even halfway, I would be touching her. Of course, I was too in shock to do anything, but holy shit!!!! THAT was the most iconic moment I’ve ever lived through. AND on top of it all, my friend won tickets for the next night!!! And that was the night Selena Gomez came out, AKA my other QUEEN!!!! I fell on the floor and cried, okay?? The two best nights of my life, honestly.

Anyway, I wrote this all to say that I cannot find the words to describe how grateful I am for Taylor Swift. She has been here for me for 11 years of my life… that is more than half of my existence. Her words made me feel less alone when times got hard, and they also made me feel more alive when times were good. I appreciate her for always being kind to us, sticking by us through all the ups and downs, and going out of her way to make us smile. I will never ever be able to thank her enough for writing the soundtrack for my life and for being the big sister I never had. I didn’t realize until right now, as I’m writing this, that each album came out at the perfect time in my life. Each album represents and fits each stage of life that I was experiencing at the time of each release. I can’t even tell you how much I love this woman and I will always look up to her. She means the world to me and I can only hope to meet her, hug her, and tell her exactly how thankful I am for her and how much I love and appreciate her. I can’t wait to hear Lover and analyze every word when it comes out! Thank you, Taylor, for everything.

Love, Carly

@taylorswift @taylornation

[enchantedforwinx]

Finally I did it. I was teasing about my Winx „related“ tattoo a few weeks ago on here. Before I tell you about my motive decision, I want to outline the fact that THIS IS MY BODY. I am old enough to decide how I want to look like and that includes tattoos. It is a form of expression of my mind for me and carrying inspiring and life impacting motives or quotes makes me extremely happy. That is why I gently ask you to keep unnecessary and mean comments to yourself.

I wanted a Winx related tattoo for years. Like I mentioned before, I love having stuff that has impacted me in some way on my body. My first tattoo was a Naruto quote. I get a lot of inspiration from cartoons/animes that have deep storylines. Winx may not completely fit that narrative but nothing screams more me than Winx. I have been a huge fan ever since it came out in 2004. If I had to describe myself I’d totally say that I am a daydreamer with my mind in the clouds. I am a child despite my age, I keep on holding “to the childlike wimps”, to quote the grandiose Taylor Swift. I never want to loose my great imagination- that is a thing I like about myself. I have always believed in magic and fairies, even before winx. Unfortunately I grew to understand that being a fairy is not a job option :(. To come back to what I originally wanted to say, my initial plan from years ago was to get the outlines of the X inked. I never got it and last year I decided that I want a motive on my inner upper arm. I was thinking about a Spirited Away (AMAZING MOVIE GO WATCH IT) inspired one but since I have “solo hay alas” tattood on this place which basically means “There are only wings” (it sounds better in spanish obv), Something wings related would be better. WInx has always been a big part of my life but Last October I discovered the Winx fandom online, fan groups, Instagram accounts and Tumblr. Having around 40 dolls from my childhood and lots of merch, I have started to grow my collection last year. Never did I think to collect dolls the way I do now. But they make me happy and that is the most important thing. Until that I thought I was the only “old” stan left. So, it was time to bring back the winx tattoo idea.

Why I choose Layla/Aisha, well, she is beside Stella (and I am really starting to rediscover my love for Bloom), the fairy of my preference. To say “love” sounds weird to me, don’t get weirded out by my choosen words. Layla was introduced to me as this reckless, strong, free spirited, fearless and always ready to fight for what she believes in character (This is who I aspire to become and be). But we got to see her “lonely” side as well which was INCREDIBLE. I think we all felt loneliness overcome us. I just like her character and what she represents(ted) in the early seasons. On the other hand I ADORE her artwork. From her hair to lips to transformations. Magix winx is nostalgic. It is my favorite transformation (besides enchantix duh) due to its simplicity and individuality. This pose that I choose especially represents everything I mentioned before. Plus it suited best as a tattoo motive. We did change it up a little, added the wings to the front, fixed some symmetrical stuff and all that.

I guess there is nothing left to say and man Thank you if you read the whole thing haha. Oh and I could not decide which pic to post so I am sorry for throwing this infront of your face. Have a magical day fairies. 🧚🏼‍♀️

[tswiftdaily]

In the 1960s and ’70s, Pattie Boyd stood at the intersection of fashion, rock ’n’ roll, art, and fame. Widely considered one of the greatest muses of all time, Boyd, who was married first to George Harrison and later to Eric Clapton, inspired the hits “Something” by the Beatles, and “Layla” and “Wonderful Tonight” by Clapton. Recently I devoured this intriguing woman’s memoir, Wonderful Tonight. A few weeks later, I had the pleasure of sitting down with her in the kitchen of her beautiful Kensington flat. As the sunlight poured through the windows, her blue eyes lit up as she spoke. There is a playful quality about her and, surprisingly—considering how much she has experienced in her life—a lightness.

TAYLOR SWIFT: I have been so excited to talk to you because we’re both women whose lives have been deeply influenced by songs and songwriting. I stand on one side of it, and you on the other. Does the concept of being called a muse feel like a correct fit?

PATTIE BOYD: I find the concept of being a muse understandable when you think of all the great painters, poets, and photographers who usually have had one or two. The artist absorbs an element from their muse that has nothing to do with words, just the purity of their essence.

TS: What do you feel might be a factor that artists want to communicate with you through song?

PB: I think in my case both George and Eric had an inability to communicate their feelings through normal conversation. I became a reflection for them.

TS: I wondered who and what situation “Wonderful Tonight” was written about, and now I know it’s about you getting ready for a party, changing clothes, and saying, “I don’t like this, I don’t like that.”

PB: I came downstairs with trepidation thinking [Eric] was going to be so angry that I’d taken far too long, and instead he said, “Listen, I’ve just written this song.”

TS: That is so incredible to me.

PB: But you must do that too. You must be inspired by a few moments or something, the way your boyfriend turns or says something to you or a little bit of a smile or “Is he thinking this or that?,” and that would inspire you. Can you write it the moment it’s happening?

TS: There are definitely moments when it’s like this cloud of an idea comes and just lands in front of your face, and you reach up and grab it. A lot of songwriting is things you learn, structure, and cultivating that skill, and knowing how to craft a song. But there are mystical, magical moments, inexplicable moments when an idea that is fully formed just pops into your head. And that’s the purest part of my job. It can get complicated on every other level, but the songwriting is still the same uncomplicated process it was when I was 12 years old writing songs in my room.

PB: Right, right…

TS: I don’t know what it is that makes some people really creatively inspiring. There have been people I’ve spent a lot of time with who I just couldn’t write about.

PB: Yes, now what is that?

TS: I don’t know. It’s just that some people come into your life and they have this effect on you. It’s really interesting because in your case you inspired that creative output from two iconic musicians. That just blows my mind. It’s very rare!

PB: Well, the more you say it to me, the more it’s blowing my mind.

TS: You met George Harrison at 19 on the set of A Hard Day’s Night. All of a sudden your life was changed forever because you fell in love with someone who the world was obsessed with. There was no band as big as the Beatles. Did anyone prepare you for the attention?

PB: No. Nobody took on that role. Nobody thought that role would be significant for a start. I remember a journalist coming to our house one day and saying to George, “In all seriousness, when do you think the bubble is going to burst? When are the Beatles going to be finished?”

TS: Wow.

PB: If they thought that, there’s no reason anyone would think, “Ah, I’ll look after Pattie and guide her through what is going to be a tremendously difficult situation for a young girl to cope with.” The only thing Brian Epstein, their manager, told me and the other wives and girlfriends was, “Don’t talk to the press.”

TS: Were the fans the reason you decided to live in the country?

PB: Living in London with George, there were so many fans every day, it became impossible to leave the flat. Brian Epstein thought there might be an idea that John, Ringo, and George move to the country, have little houses about an hour out of London. We would decorate the outside of our house with spray-paint cans. The whole house was like a psychedelic monster.

TS: I remember seeing a picture of the house, and Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithfull had spray-painted their names on the wall with the words mick and marianne were here. I read a book about Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor recently, and how there was this crazy frenzy surrounding them. In the book, Elizabeth is quoted as saying, “It could be worse, we could be the Beatles.” You are one of the only people who can say they experienced what Beatlemania was like from the inside. How did that feel for you?

PB: In my first experience, I found it absolutely terrifying. I got to see the Beatles play at a theater in London, and George told me that I should leave with my friends before the last number. So before the last song, we got up from our seats and walked toward the nearest exit door, and there were these girls behind me. They followed us out, and they were kicking me and pulling my hair and pushing us all the way down this long passageway.

TS: What were they saying?

PB: “We hate you.”

TS: That is my worst nightmare. You probably felt like, “If you knew me and I knew you, you would not be pulling my hair in an alleyway and saying, ‘I hate you.’”

PB: Exactly.

TS: Has the dynamic changed with Beatles fans now that you put on these incredible exhibitions of your photographs?

PB: George is no longer with us, or John. It was such a long time ago, and the fans haven’t held on to the same antagonistic feelings toward me. Actually they seem happy that I’m sharing the photographs I took. One time I was having an exhibition, and these girls turned up dressed like me in A Hard Day’s Night.

TS: It’s so cute when people do that. I love that.

PB: It is adorable.

TS: That is amazing that you could go from a place of feeling incredibly frightened by the idea of this attention from people who loved the Beatles, and now there is just a huge amount of gratitude from them. For me, one of the most heartbreaking moments in the book is when, years later, you and Eric get married, and George and his new wife, Olivia, come to the wedding party, Paul comes, Ringo comes, but John couldn’t go. He said later that he would have loved to come. That night there was a huge jam session, and had he been there it would have been the last time the Beatles played together.

PB: Can you imagine? I was heartbroken.

TS: My heart was pierced by that.

PB: John felt he couldn’t come because he thought if he left America they wouldn’t let him back in, and it was important for him to be in America.

TS: I found it staggeringly beautiful in the book how you had been through many ups and downs, and told these stunning truths about your relationships, but everyone seems to be on really good terms. I mean, Eric even gave you permission to publish his love letters. What did it take for you to arrive at such a place of goodwill with people you’ve been through so much with? Is that just time passing?

PB: I think time must play a big part. Because it all broke up for whatever reason, there is no need to carry on some sort of hate or dislike for this person. And then with time I thought, “I’ll just call on Eric and see if he’ll let me use these wonderful letters that he wrote, and if he needs anything from me, he just needs to call me, same thing, and I would say ‘yes’ to him.” I think this is all based on my memories of how it was when we were first married and what fun we had, the love that we’d enjoyed together as well.

TS: It sounds like you take ownership of the past, and not just the good parts.

PB: I do. Absolutely.

TS: Lastly, what advice would you give a 28-year-old who’s deeply inspired by your outlook? I would love to look back on my life with the same clarity, wisdom, and peace that you seem to have.

PB: You have to remember that nothing remains the same. It’s always going to change. The whole world keeps changing, we keep changing, things in our lives keep changing. Nothing remains the same. If you’re happy or you’re sad, it’s not going to last forever. You just have to keep remembering that.

This article originally appears in the August 2018 issue of Harper's BAZAAR, available on newsstands July 24.

[jack-kellys]

woulda look at that! it’s PART TWO of the thanksgiving fic!!! right on time!!! scroll down on my blog for part 1 gang

alright!

————

warnings: ha steam YEET, like steam enough that qualifies for NSFW ohohoho but nothing Happens dw, more cursing, yeah

words: more than last time? yeah

woo

————

As much as Albert wasn’t confused as to why he was called to this occasion, he knew Crutchie would regret it. Everyone would. Something would go wrong—that was just how it was.

He, Race, Romeo, and Elmer were all going to be cooking in one kitchen together. If someone didn’t fucking kill themselves it’d be a goddamn miracle. Team Brain had evacuated the entire floor, leaving the group alone.

“Sis, why are we even making pumpkin pie? I hate that shit,” Romeo whined, reluctantly unwrapping the plastic on the crust.

“A few things on what you just said to me,” Albert started, not even looking at the boy.

“Oooh man. Here we go,” Race interjected with a giddy smile. “He always does this.”

“First,” Al spoke louder to be heard over Race. “First, do not ever call me sis, or sister, or whateverthefuck. Second, we are making pumpkin pie because it is fucking thanksgiving and you do that shit. And third, shut up. I don’t need your goddamn opinions.”

“Awww, SHIT!” Elmer cheered. “Get fucked, Ro.”

“‘That’s just my opinion!’” Romeo quoted, doing the distorted voice as well and earning a laugh from Albert. Dammit, Vine.

“Got you!” Romeo taunted. “I made’ja laugh!”

“Go peel me some fuckin’ potatoes, you heathen,” Race ordered. Romeo sighed dramatically, passing Albert the crust and going through drawers searching for a peeler.

“Hey, I brought a speaker. Y’all want music?” Elmer asked, holding up his Bluetooth speaker. Albert looked up for a moment, seeing it only briefly before Race snatched it up and was syncing it up to his own phone.

“Goddammit, Race,” Albert sighed, but kept stirring the condensed milk into the bowl he was using. “Sorry, guys, I gotta go up two stories and throw myself out the window.”

“My fault,” El shrugged. “Sorry, Al.”

“It’s okay, El, I’ll just die. It’s fine,” Albert assured him. Elmer smiled brightly in response, nodding, and the two burst out laughing.

“Date?” Race asked, Taylor Swift coming in through the speaker as he looked between Elmer and Albert.

Albert deadpanned. “Race. I have been dating you since we were fifteen and gross.”

“Yeah, um...why?” Romeo asked. Reasonable question.

“I like...couldn’t tell you, sorry,” Albert shrugged, but regretted his words as soon as he saw Race’s smirk.

“That’s not what you’d say in be—“

Before Race could finish, Albert scooped a small amount of pie mixture out of the bowl with his spoon and flung it at Race without a second thought.

“‘Stop! I could’ve dropped my croissant!’” Race screeched, ducking around the glob and waving the speaker around.

“Actually, that’s my croissant,” Elmer added. This time, Romeo burst out laughing.

“Shit, this kid is on fire tonight,” Albert chuckled. “Race who?”

“Again,” Race said, pointer finger in the air as if to make a point, “that’s not what you say in be-ed.” Oh, great. He finished his sentence this time.

“Jesus Christ, shut up and stop exposing me,” Albert muttered, trying to focus on how the mix in his bowl was getting stiffer, which was good. Romeo had peeled more than a few potatoes, Elmer had chopped up all the sweet potatoes, and even Race had gotten more than halfway through with whatever Italian crazy thing he was making for tomorrow. They had made real, actual progress.

So when Race said “make me” with a sparkle in his blue eyes and a smirk pulling on his lips, Elmer and Romeo wiggling their eyebrows at Albert in return, Al only took a moment of hesitation before he marched up to Race and locked his lips with his, Elmer managing to catch his beloved speaker as it dropped out of Race’s hand when he went to wrap his arms around Albert’s neck, pulling at his red hair. Albert’s hands found their way around their usual place at Race’s hips, squeezing lightly.

“Give us a few minutes, boys,” Albert mumbled around Race’s mouth, then hiked Race up against his body, grabbing under his thighs.

He heard Romeo whistle. “Hell yeah! Get the hell outta here!” Romeo cheered, Elmer shushing him jokingly and turning up the music a bit more after changing it.

Albert walked he and Race into the closest room, pressing Race against the wall as his lips latched onto Race’s neck, trailing kisses down it. Al felt Race give his forehead a quick kiss before he let out a small moan.

“Why do we always get hot at shitty times?” Race breathed out, squeezing his thighs tighter around Albert's hips.

“Y’kinda fuckin’ asked for it, Sunshine,” Al murmured against Race’s skin, feeling the other boy shiver. He felt Race try to trace through Albert’s shirt to his chest, making the redhead whine slightly, a poor attempt at stifling it. Race laughed lightly at his expense.

“An’ you are fuckin’ needy,” Race taunted, leaning his hips closer into Albert’s and laughing again when Albert let out a hum. Suddenly Race grabbed Albert’s chin and tilted it up towards him, blue eyes now narrowed. “Not like I’m complaining,” Race whispered, and Albert swore his heart started to beat fifty miles a minute. Albert quickly closed the distance between them, kissing Race bruisingly hard as he squeezed the boy’s thighs, resisting the urge to run his hands over Race’s body.

After a couple of minutes, Race attempted to speak. “Would—“ Albert stopped his sentence, kissing him again before letting him speak for real. “Would Kath kill us if we fucked in her house?”

Al leaned away from Race’s face a moment, actually considering the idea and biting his swollen lip in thought. “Well…” He pursed his lips, “wouldn’t it be, like, a literal ‘fuck you’ to her dad?”

Race laughed. “Sex in protest!”

Albert grinned. “A fuck—but for the good of the people.”

Race cracked up at that, and Albert tore Race off the wall in search of a bedroom as Race giggled against the hickey he was trying to give.

•••

Thanksgiving day had finally come, and now everyone was over decorating the mansion or finalizing food. Sniper had Smalls sitting on her shoulders to tape something up, Jack was arguing with Buttons about what color was better for the tablecloth, Specs and Henry were in the kitchen double checking things, and most everyone else was laughing and talking or absently putting up more decorations. Kath clasped her hands together in excitement just watching her friends all working together and enjoying themselves. It was just how she had pictured, and it truly warmed her heart.

“Kinda cute, right?” Sarah said, putting an arm around Kath’s waist and watching their friends as well. “Pretty impressive they got it together for this one day.”

“If only they could get it together, period,” Kath joked while Sarah nodded vigorously.

“But seriously,” Katherine said, “it’s kind of…really nice that this is that important to everyone.”

“Hey!” Specs called to the room. “Food’s ready!”

A few whoops went up as most people made their way to the long table. Spot, Albert, and Jack helped to take all the platters to the table.

“You really outdid yaself, Kath,” Jack complimented, nudging Katherine as he passed her. “Thanks for this.”

She gave him an earnest smile, heading to her seat with Sarah. Once she got there, fire she even sat down, she was startled by Race yelling “S P E E C H!” at the top of his lungs. Although anyone sitting in a two foot radius of him told him to shut the fuck up, everyone else looked like they wanted a goddamn speech, and some started chanting it.

Which Katherine, even while expecting this to happen a little, had definitely not prepared.

“Okay, okay,” she laughed before their chanting would break any glass. “You want a speech? Fine. Alright.

“This day is normally not a very special day for me. Yeah, okay, I go to a fancy other mansion upstate every year, but it’s not..special. Even if I’m seeing family and people I haven’t seen in a year, those people there are mostly just that to me—people.

“I don’t know them. Not like I know all of you, or you knowing all of me. This is what thanksgiving should be, right? Spending it with people you actually know and talk to and keep in touch with. People who really make a difference in your life.

All of you? Are what thanksgiving is supposed to mean. Family, and friends, and people that in turn have made me a better person for knowing them. So I just…” Kath wiped her face quickly, laughing at herself a little. “Thank you, you know? For actually making this year’s holiday important to me again.”

A chorus of ‘aww’s filled the air while some boys clapped. Katherine finally sat down, blushing, and Sarah kissed her cheek gently.

“Honey, that was so sweet,” she whispered. “They gotta be honored you feel that way.” Katherine saw Davey nod on her other side and felt him squeeze her shoulder, but then saw Jack stand up next to him.

“As a matter of fact—“ He barely started before getting booed by nearly everyone. Katherine cackled in laugher while Jack whapped her arm. “Hey! We can all agree I somewhat speak for us, right? C’mon!” he finished, eyes wide.

Most of the booing died down, and Kath snorted as Spot started to protest and Race & Albert both smacked a hand over his mouth at the same time.

“Alright,” Jack restarted, eyes sweeping the massive table before continuing. “I just wanted to voice what all of us are probably thinking, which is that we should be thanking you. You let our crazyass group not only into your father’s mansion—which, every time you do that, holy shit thank you—but let us cook actual food in your kitchen, let us decorate your whole house, let us buy what we wanted for today, I mean...to any one of us, that is really somethin’. You gotta know this ain’t just special for you, but us too, cause there really ain’t any other place big enough to fit all of us.” A few laughs chorused, but Jack shushed the room once more. “We usually gotta split up for thanksgiving, I dunno if you knew that Kath. So this is a first time for us too, so, thanks. More than you know.” He shrugged, giving Katherine a smile as he sat back down.

“I guess that was pretty valid,” Smalls sighed, and everyone else begrudgingly agreed.

“Well, thank you, all of you, for also thinking that today is special. It means a lot to me,” Katherine smiled. “Now! Let’s eat, ‘cause we worked way too hard on this goddamn food for it to get cold!”

More cheering this time as everyone dug in at last. People laughed as they talked, everyone looked to be liking the food. They looked…happy. Really, really happy.

And so was Katherine, finally, on a day she never thought she would be.

———

happy thanksgiving everyone, not to be romantic and cheesy an bullshit but I’m grateful that all y’all read my shit it’s really cool of you! thanks so much!

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[thesinglesjukebox]

ARIANA GRANDE FT. NICKI MINAJ - THE LIGHT IS COMING

[6.36]

It's Ariana Gran-Day! Starting off with this Nicki duet, containing an unexpected sample...

Rebecca A. Gowns: The sample is fascinating. It reminds me of the baby coo in "Are You That Somebody"; a non-musical sound transformed into a musical refrain, then multiplied so often it becomes the beat itself. And seemingly not connected to the actual content of the song... or is it? Like, is "Are You That Somebody" really about making babies? (Not just euphemistically, but about conception itself?) And is this song really an anti-establishment taunt? (Not just the music industry, but the clowns in Congress, if you will?) Well, who the hell knows. The music here is so much more fascinating than the lyrical content; the man yells about not being interrupted between stringent beep-bop-boop sounds crossing over from Dan Deacon territory. Honestly, it's reminiscent of a certain other pop/rap song that could also be called equal turns annoying, political, and just plain fun. And like that song, I like it even when it starts to grate. Maybe even because it's grating -- like, thank God established pop artists take risks like this sometimes. [8]

Katherine St Asaph: Gather around, folks, for a recent history lesson! The man sampled all over "The Light Is Coming," Craig Miller, was part of a Tea Party-organized, "almost entirely white and irritable" crowd protesting an 2009 Arlen Specter town hall in soon-to-flip-red Pennsylvania. The protest was against Obamacare, but it devolved almost immediately into more general right-wing bullshit. You can watch the whole thing on C-SPAN, if you're short on despair. Lowlights include: "What about this Guantanamo closure? ... The [mispronounced] Koar-ann says that all unbelievers shall be executed, killed. That's why I cannot support Islam." "He's right." (43:56); cheering at "we can take the non-U.S. citizens and give them an airplane ticket and ship them back" (38:47); even louder cheering at "the illegals, they shouldn't even be here" (18:34), and, toward the end (1:13:13), a familiar refrain: "The people in this room want their country back." One of them felt the need to clarify that she didn't have "any Nazi symbols with [her]" (7:45), perhaps because the previous day, in Georgia, someone painted a swastika outside Democratic representative David Scott's office after his town hall. Do I think Pharrell -- who also sampled Specter's own remarks in "Lemon" -- is maliciously sneaking far-right propaganda into our children's pop music? No, of course not. Maybe he just thought it sounded cool. But including a sample this obscure, this prominently, must have some point, and choosing one so politically charged brings in connotations -- connotations that just don't play nice with the light/darkness/taking-back/theft imagery and taunting delivery of "the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole." It doesn't help that the Manchester bombing, which every Sweetener interview unavoidably alludes to, was quickly exploited by the far right. It also doesn't help that Grande's verses don't rebut but echo Miller, targeting someone who's a "know-it-all" (see other protesters' gripes about "elitists" and a bill written above "junior high school" language), who's irrational and doesn't listen, who's "tellin' everyone, stay woke" -- sides clearly assigned. The beat is great, the most inventive and sinuous Pharrell's sounded in years, but it's wasted on -- what, exactly? Both-sidesing? A Producers-esque attempt to squash innovation in pop with a bizarre sample set up to fail? Or inadvertently (I hope) something more reactionary than anything Taylor Swift's ever released? It could be worse. The track's a "Sleazy"/"Dark Horse"/"Jewels 'n' Drugs" urban crossover attempt, for which Grande's team "auditioned eight rappers," one of whom may have been much-streamed XXXTentacion. Nicki's winning verse, self-promotion and fuckboy dissing written remotely, doesn't engage with the song at all, which is probably for the best. As for fan consensus? Seems to be: "Will that old guy please STFU?" [2]

Vikram Joseph: Ladies and gentlemen, 2018's most bizarre sampling decision! I've read the context behind the "You wouldn't let anybody speak, and instead..." quote, and it still makes minimal sense to loop it continuously behind what's otherwise a seductive, abrasive, very N.E.R.D. throb of a beat. Thematically, it seems to be an attempt to take down condescension and echo-chamber complacency in debate ("if it ain't your view, that's the bottom line"); this is ambitious, and only occasionally hits the mark, too often stumbling into jumbled nonsense such as "give you a box of chances, every time you blow it all". Nicki Minaj, meanwhile, is relegated to a brief, off-topic turn in the intro. And all the while, that shouty man keeps shouting (and, god, I really can't emphasise enough what a strange choice of sample this is). Good Beat, B.A.A.D. Decisions. [5]

Tobi Tella: I mean, you don't know how HARD I tried to like this. Coming off their three amazing previous collaborations, this should've been great. But there's so much about this I don't like: the repetitive chorus, the weird way she sings so you can't actually understand a word she's saying, the sample of a conservative yelling? It's all just off-putting and irritating to me. Nicki gets in the best line of the song with "Yo Ariana come let give you a high five", but even her solid verse can't save the trainwreck around her. [3]

Abdullah Siddiqui: Little about this track is normal for a Top 40 single. And I find that very refreshing. The hook is effective, in that it hasn't left the back of my mind in weeks. The instrumental is beautifully minimalistic; the drum sequence at the start reminds me of Björk's "Heirloom". I love when the track kicks into double time. Minaj delivers a few solid bars at the top. Grande doesn't rely too much on her vocal tricks for this one, and it works to the song's benefit. The track is not without its flaws, however. It feels somewhat structurally underdeveloped. The "you wouldn't let anybody speak" is a bit overused, and it feels particularly misplaced during the verses. But these flaws are not by any means fatal. This is definitely one of Grande's most adventurous releases, and I'd go so far as to say, one of her best. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Aside from Nicki Minaj, whose tacked-on verse sounds less like its own contribution and more like another mandatory installment in the "Chun-Li" cinematic universe, all the many moving parts here end up making a lot of sense. Ariana's vocal performance darts between the little open spaces of Pharrell's beat, expanding and contracting as he brings in bizarro-bounce elements (including a sample from an anti-Obamacare town hall, of all things.) It's almost interesting enough as a pure physical feat, the way she moves from taunting cadences to breathy whispers to damn-near belting on a second's notice, but fortunately there's a good enough song as scaffolding around her too, one that provides enough structure to support "the light is coming" in its pursuit of weird pop glory. [7]

Alex Clifton: Ariana seems to be reinventing pop this year; the work off of Sweetener so far is the most eclectic stuff I've heard on the charts in quite some time. Where "No Tears Left to Cry" refused to resolve in any particular tonality (major or minor? why not both!), "The Light Is Coming" stutters and glitches with a sample of an irate citizen from hearings over Obamacare paired with video game beeps and boops. On paper, it shouldn't work, and it doesn't overwhelm me the way that all of Ariana's best tracks have in the past. But in practice it ends up sounding like a dystopian dance song/spoken word poem, which in 2018 feels like a real mood. Ariana and Nicki work well together as always although once Nicki's initial verse is gone she's out of the song for good; she could've come back pretty easily, and that would've made for some nice vocal interplay. But the more I hear of Ariana's music the more I keep wanting to hear, even when it misses the mark. It's been a while since I've seen a Pop Diva experiment so boldly away from her typical formula, and I'm revelling in every moment of it. [6]

Ashley John: The dismembered corpses of pure pop hooks and Pennsylvania politics roughly stitched together with a Pharrell beat is as close to a summary of Me as a song can get, so I'm partial to and suspicious of it right away. "The Light is Coming" should feel gimmicky, like Ariana is rushing in a rebellious phase, but instead it hits closer to a teaser--of what I am not sure. A Lorde song without the specificity or the groove, a Gwen Stefani track without the whimsy, and in those places just a hollow, trembling core. The track feels like it could collapse in on itself at any point, and actually, how fitting for a chorus of chanted, demanded optimism. [7]

Alfred Soto: A gesture -- an attempt to coalesce Pharrellistic effects around a would-be aphorism. One of the effects is Nicki Minaj. [6]

Thomas Inskeep: The beat, the slightly off-kilter rhythm was nagging at me, and then once I looked up the credits it made sense: it's Pharrell. And what he's brought for Ariana here is Trio's "Da Da Da" cut with Hot Butter's 1972 smash "Popcorn"! And then, on top of that, Minaj drops a solid opening 12 bars before Grande cuts loose with a message of positivity -- the chorus is "the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole" -- that's obviously another reference to Manchester. And it works. I hope this hits on radio, because it'll sound glaringly different, and radio needs more of that right now. [7]

Will Rivitz: Man, Pharrell can't miss, can he? No one quite does the minimal beat like he does, and the versatility of his productions -- fitting everyone from Clipse to Ed Sheeran -- is on full display here, addictive vocal sample and all. Of course, it helps that everything else clicks, too: Ariana's finally embracing her "sardonic" side in her music, Nicki's verse is serviceable and appropriate if not particularly memorable, and the eerie nonchalance of the chorus perfectly encapsulates the song's uncanny ambience. Dangerous Woman is one of the best pop albums of the decade, and if Grande's current singles are any indication, Sweetener could be even better. [9]

Stephen Eisermann: Pharrell's production has been a bit shaky lately, but here his experimentation works. Nicki gives a perfectly serviceable verse to Pharrell's noisy beat, but it's Ariana's commitment and sass that elevates the track. To take on a track this playful, you need an artist who is willing and able to dance along to the track and Ariana is no slacker; even if the song is a bit weird thematically, sonically it's a gem and I'll be dancing along all summer. [7]

Maxwell Cavaseno: The unlikely world where I can imagine if Ariana thought the kind of music that came out of Ghostly International at the start of the decade would be the perfect sort of music to top the charts. Nevertheless, she's utterly at home, crooning and yammering through the strange pinball playground of her design, and to make the retrofitting all the more complete, you have Nicki doing her best to remember when she last sounded interesting... way back at the dawn of the decade. [7]

Pedro João Santos: It's a idiosyncratic mix of atypical vocal restraint by Ariana, boundless structure and glitchy, angular production courtesy of Pharrell. The verses are amorphous and abstract; Nicki makes a perfunctory but reliable appearance; the circular hook is repeated ad infinitum. Somehow, it all amounts to moderate success, after the brilliant "No Tears Left to Cry", even despite the appalling sample, which might serve for texture, but not much else. At least, it led to interview gold: "Is Ariana Grande a Christian?", the man whose voice was sampled, unbeknownst to him, asks an MTV reporter; his wife Karen sensibly replies: "Craig, I think she's more like Madonna." [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[sanity-is-overratedxp]

Innocent

A/N: Hey guys. I was feeling really down and upset when I wrote this and it came through strong. If you get triggered easy I recommend not reading this and just skipping to the next fic on your list. I’m pretty sure I put all the bad stuff under the cut.

Warnings: ***TRIGGER WARNING.***

Mental Abuse hinted at, slut-shaming, violence (reader slaps someone) and a lot of cussing and angst. But it ends happy.

Summary: You decide to go home for the week. What happens when your adopted mom has a fit? Based on the song Innocent by Taylor Swift.

Pairing: Klaus x reader with some other family member friendships thrown in.

Innocent.

It’d been a horrible week. You had just gotten back to New Orleans and all you could think about was how you never should’ve left, never should’ve gone back home to Texas. Every time you went back it always resulted in a fight between you and your adoptive mother. You never wanted that. This time had been no different, the whole trip had been full of derogatory comments about who you were, what you did and your elusive life. It seemed your mother was convinced that you were a drug addict who worked at a strip club or something along those lines just because you wouldn’t tell her every little detail about your life.

When you got there it had started out okay. No weird comments just inquiries about your job and friends. Nothing you minded answering. You were working for a company in the city doing your dream job, designing ad campaigns for the biggest names all across the globe. As for your friends, talking about the Mikaelsons was always enjoyable. They never failed to provide you with stories about their lives and while living with them you had plenty stories of your own. But the peace never seemed to last very long.

It had all started when you were telling a story about you and Kol’s latest prank while standing around the living room, “The look on Rebekah’s face was priceless! I swear I have never seen her so gobsmacked!” you said. Everybody had been laughing and it had been one of the best nights so far. “The only downside was she knew it was us who pulled the prank so I knew I would have to sleep with one eye open if I didn’t want retaliation. Lucky for me Klaus owed me a favour so he kept an eye out for Rebekah while I slept.” you said as you calmed down from laughing. All of a sudden a look came over your mother’s face.

You knew in your gut that something bad was about to happen when she opened her mouth, “You’ve mentioned him before… Klaus. Do they all have a key to your apartment or something? I mean that’s the only thing that makes sense to me for them to be able to get in your apartment to pull pranks…” you could tell she was fishing for something but you didn’t know what.

“They all had keys to my apartment back when I had one. But once I moved in with them it became a little harder to keep them out of my room.” you joked. You knew then what she had been fishing for. She hadn’t listened earlier when you had said that you lived with them. You knew that was weird that she hadn’t said anything about that.

“You’re living with them?” she screeched. “Let me guess, you’re in a relationship with the girl! No no no… that Klaus guy. I mean I should’ve  known!  There was no way you could have afforded those clothes on your own. Well maybe that hideous blue ring. And that necklace… that’s real diamonds I bet. How does it feel to have a Sugar daddy? Does he expect other things from you? You know what I bet he’s your Pimp! Gotta have the merch looking it’s best huh?” she screeched again.

“STOP.” you yelled. The look of satisfaction on her face as she accused you of being a whore had been enough to release a part of you that rivaled Klaus when he was angry. “Why? Did I hit the truth on the head? I bet I did. You never had the talent to make it as far as you have. Makes sense why you’re that successful. Your man bought the position for you.” You couldn’t take anymore at that point. You slapped her. And the worst part… you enjoyed it.

“If you say one more word about the people that mean the world to me I swear that slap will be like a hug in comparison. What would be wrong with me being in a relationship with Beka? She would be an amazing girlfriend. And Klaus, yes I’m dating him. We’ve been together for about two years now. But before you start. No. He. Is. Not. My. Sugar. Daddy. He loves me very much. As for my clothing and jewelry, I bought this. I bought everything I’m wearing except the ring that you called hideous. That Klaus got me. It’s our promise. The symbol on it is his family crest. I make a seven figure salary per year. And I earned that position with blood, sweat, tears and my own talent. And as for the accusation that he is my Pimp. I am not a fucking prostitute. I am in a loving relationship with my amazing boyfriend who if I asked… Would give me the world. But I never ask.” you grabbed your purse and phone and everything else you had brought with you. You had the foresight to book a hotel room instead of staying with them. You got to the door when you remembered something else she had said. “And about the merch looking it’s best? You better fucking believe it.” you said as you slammed the door.

As you got in your car you shot a quick message to your sister saying that you were leaving early. You drove back to your hotel room and crashed on your bed. You quickly changed your flight to the next one that day. That still left you with three hours till you needed to leave and you had minimal packing to do being the type to never unpack in the first place. So you decided to call Elijah, he always had the best advice and seemed to be the least likely to over-react about this. You pulled out your phone and said, “Ok Google, call Elijah.” as the phone was ringing you couldn’t help thinking about how this was the worst trip so far. You didn’t think you’d be coming back anytime soon.

“Y/N my dear, to what do I owe the pleasure? I know you are supposed to be visiting your family, has something gone wrong?” you smiled. Elijah always seemed to know what was going on with you.

“Is Klaus around you? I know he can hear me through the phone.” the last thing you needed was Klaus finding out before you could be there to calm him down. “I believe he is at home painting. He tends to do so when you are away. I can go find him if that’s what you wish?” “No! I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t there. He doesn’t need to find out until I’m home. Otherwise he might do something rash.” Elijah grew quiet. “Y/N what has happened.” he said with a quiet voice.

“Just a horrible mother who can’t handle the fact that I am happy, successful and in love. She umm… she called me a slut. And then accused Klaus of being my Sugar daddy. I just… I need someone with a clear head to talk to about this.” you were starting to get nervous as Elijah remained silent. “Elijah? Are you still there?”

“Yes Y/N I’m still here. Though I fear I may not be able to help you.” He said quieter than before. “Why not?” you were confused.

“Because at the moment my first thought is to join you and defend your honor by killing her. But I know that is not what you wish so I will refrain from doing so. But… I believe it is time for you to return home. Before anything else occurs that breaks what little restraint I have on the matter.” He seemed to be fuming on the other side of the line.

“I booked the next flight home. I’ll be back tomorrow. Can you come pick me up? I don’t want Klaus knowing till I am there to calm him down.” you were starting to have trouble controlling the tremble in your voice.

“Of course I’ll be there waiting for you and as per your request, Klaus will be none the wiser until you wish so. Get some sleep… your family awaits your return.” He hung up the phone. You couldn’t wait to get back home. Maybe then you could allow yourself to cry. If you did so now you wouldn’t stop even on the plane. So you held yourself together and started packing.

*Timeskip to after the flight.*

The flight had been uneventful. You hadn’t had any problems and as always first class was a good place to catch up on sleep. You had just got your luggage from baggage claim. And you were looking for Elijah. Just as you were starting to get worried that you had given him the wrong arrival time you saw him. With a sigh of relief you started to feel your walls crumbling. You ran to him dragging your luggage behind you. “Elijah!” you called out. He smiled and pulled you into a hug which surprised you. He was never one for public affection.

“I’m glad you are home. Klaus is still unaware as per your request. Though I am unsure how long that will last.” He said as he held you. Elijah had always been like a brother to you. He was always willing to listen and give advice, and seemed to have an endless supply of old quotes.

“Well at least I’m here to calm him down now.” you could feel the first tears coming down your face. You didn’t want to ruin Elijah’s suit so you pulled away. Or at least you tried too. “Elijah I’m going to ruin your suit.”

“I do not believe I care. Suits can be replaced. You need this right now and I know it, so let it out. I can always get a new suit.” He said as he rubbed your back. The soothing motion was all it took for you to let go. You felt kinda stupid crying your eyes out in an airport. But you knew you needed it. The tears stopped coming after a couple minutes and you pulled back. “There. Much better, now I believe it is time for us to leave for home.” He guided you to the car and put your luggage in the trunk. You knew things wouldn’t be this peaceful for long, you had to go home and tell Klaus everything that had happened.

You arrived home and Elijah took your bags inside. After coming back he informed you that the house was almost empty. The only ones home were Haley and Hope. You smiled and went inside. “Y/N! You’re back!” you were promptly tackled by Hope who had begun to see you as a second mother.

“Hope! How have you been sweetie? I missed you.” you had missed the entire family because you knew that this family always had your back no matter what.

“I found a dog yesterday! It was big and it came right up to me and let me pet it.” you chuckled at that. Klaus probably had a fit about that. “Daddy even let me keep it!” That surprised you. Klaus always seemed to not want a dog. You also wondered where said dog was as you hadn’t seen it yet. As if on cue you were squashed under a mountain of fur. “Bear no!” Hope called out. You tried to find a way out from underneath the dog that was aptly named Bear. Though he apparently only wanted to lick your face and while you were all for affection this was a little much.

You felt the weight being lifted off of you. “Bear no! We do not squash the nice lady.” Haley handed him off to Elijah, “take him outside please. And maybe take Hope with you? Me and Y/N have something to talk about woman to woman I believe.” you knew what Haley was talking about and you were grateful Elijah had already told her.

“Of course, come on Hope. Let’s see if we can’t teach this mountain of fur a few manners.” Elijah joked while sending you a quick smile. Haley helped you up and pulled you into a deep hug.

“Whatever that woman said, Whatever you believe, just know that we all love you and support you. And if you need me too I can tell the others for you.” you felt the tears coming again.

“If you wouldn’t mind… could you tell them? It might be more than I can handle…” your voice trembled.

“Of course. I’ll tell Kol  and Rebekah now. I can hear them coming up. Klaus won’t be back for a bit though. He had to go handle something.” Haley knew that you knew he would come home in a heartbeat if you needed him.

You heard the door open and you could hear Beka’s laugh. “No Kol. I still think that woman wasn’t interested in you because she was too busy eying the cashier.” She laughed.

“But the cashier wasn’t nearly as hot as me! I don’t see how I could lose to him…” Kol replied. It was then that they both saw you. You had been crying and it was evident in the redness of your eyes. They both ran over and hugged you at the same time. Bombarding you with “I swear I’ll kill them.”/“Who did this?”/“Where are they.”/“Are you okay?” at which point Haley yelled out.

“GUYS.” They both stopped and looked at her. “She can’t answer if you don’t give her a chance.” They both backed up and looked at you expectantly. Haley beat them to the question though. “I will actually be telling you while Y/N here goes and takes a long hot shower.” you looked at her gratefully. You didn’t wanna be there while they found out.

You ran to the shower and started the water while finding all your favourite candles and a bath bomb. You grabbed your speaker and phone and set it up to play your favourite playlist. You then sent a text to Klaus telling him you were home and asking him to talk to Haley before he came to see you. After you got everything set up you slid into the bath. You could feel the stress starting to melt away. You were home and that was all that mattered.

You were sitting there listening to the music when one of your favourite Taylor Swift songs came on. You debated skipping it but you knew that listening to it would be good for you. You couldn’t help singing along to it. It fit everything that had been going through your mind all day.

“I guess you really did it this time

Left yourself in your warpath

Lost your balance on a tightrope

Lost your mind trying to get it back

Wasn’t it easier in your lunchbox days?

Always a bigger bed to crawl into

Wasn’t it beautiful when you believed in everything

And everybody believed in you?”

Things hadn’t always been like this between you and your mother. You used to have a pretty good relationship with her. But somewhere along the line things had changed.

“It’s alright, just wait and see

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Oh, who you are is not where you’ve been

You’re still an innocent”

You couldn’t believe you had slapped her. After everything that had happened you had never been violent… you just kept living that moment over and over again.

“Did some things you can’t speak of

But at night you live it all again

You wouldn’t be shattered on the floor now

If only you had seen what you know now then,

Wasn’t it easier in your firefly-catching days?

When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you

Wasn’t it beautiful running wild ‘til you fell asleep

Before the monsters caught up to you?”

You’d been dealing with this for years and yet you couldn’t see it ending. You knew what you needed to do. But you didn’t know if you’d have the courage to do it. Things needed to change and you knew you would have to change them. So you grabbed your phone careful not to drop it in the bath water.

“Time turns flames to embers

You’ll have new Septembers

Lives change like the weather

I hope you remember

Today is never too late to be brand new.”

You typed out the perfect text. It was concise and to the point. No misspelling or improper punctuation. You just didn’t know if you could send it.

Who you are is not what you did

You’re still an innocent.”

“Love, can I come in?” you heard. You knew that voice anywhere.

“You don’t even have to ask Klaus. You know I will always want your company.” You put your phone down as you saw the door open and his head come into the light from the candles.

“How are you doing my love?” you shrugged. You weren’t doing great but you were doing better every second that Klaus was with you. “Want some company in there?” he asked. You moved forward as a silent assent. You heard him shedding his clothes next to you.

As you felt him settle in between you and the tub you could feel the heat from him. When he got comfortable behind you he pulled you back into him gently. You settled onto his chest and everything seemed to fall into place. Nothing could keep you down if you had the love of someone as amazing as the man behind you.

“Love… are you truly alright? You know I would do anything for you.” You smiled as you felt him kiss your shoulder sweetly.

“I know Klaus. I just want to cut her out of my life without cutting out the other people I know.” You felt him chuckle behind you.

“Well I mean, I could always kill her?”

“Klaus!” you slapped his leg.

“What? It’s just a thought!” he said as he laughed.

“You’re horrible… but I love you for it.” You knew he really would do anything for you. That’s when you got the idea. You still hadn’t sent the text because you were having trouble committing to it. You grabbed your phone and opened it. “Klaus…” he hummed an assent. “would you… send this text for me?” he grabbed your phone and looked at it.

“This one to your mother? It’s a bit nice don’t you think Love?”

“I did it that way so she can’t show it to anyone and use it to turn them against me. She knows a lot of our old family friends and they’ve known her longer so they’re more likely to trust her than me. Which means, I don’t want to give her any ammunition to use against me.” Klaus shifted behind you.

“Alright darling. If that is what you wish… There.” He handed back your phone. “It’s sent.” You felt a weight lift off your heart. This was the first step towards becoming a better you. Cutting her out of your life had been a last resort but after what she had said to you… it was necessary. All of a sudden you heard your text tone.

Klaus stiffened behind you. “Was that her?” you looked at your screen and saw her contact name. “Yes…” you felt him move his arm forward. “Give it to me. You don’t need her negativity anymore. Let me delete it before you can see it.” you thought about it…

“No. I need to do this. While I know I can lean on you for these things I need to do this myself.” You opened the text and your heart shattered again. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“Y/N what’s wrong.” You handed him the phone. After a few seconds you heard him growl. “Give me a second Love… I need to pay your dear mother a visit.” you could feel him getting up behind you.

“Klaus no! Please, She isn’t worth it!” you held him in with you. He turned you around to look at him with ease.

“No Y/N. Anyone who causes you pain… whether it be emotional or physical is worth my time. And this horrible woman has been doing so for years. If you had asked me I would have killed her long ago with glee. For you Love… the Mikaelson family would go to war.” You had started to tear up and he wiped away your tears with the pad of his thumb. “But if it’s what you wish… I will leave her alone.” You nodded. “Alright then. But if this happens again. If you get any more texts from her like this. I am going to kill her, and at that point… I’m sorry Love. But you won’t be able to stop me.” He smirked and you knew he meant what he said. You turned back around and settled back into him.

You had both been quiet for a bit when you said, “So… you let Hope get a dog… Where’s mine?” You felt him laughing behind you.

“I didn’t really have a choice with Hope. She brought it home and said “We’re keeping him. His name is Bear.” and that was the end of it. I don’t think I could’ve said no if I tried.” You laughed.

“Well then. We are getting another dog. This one will be female. Hear name will be Nevermore. And she and Bear will not be spayed until she has had at least two litters of puppies.” He slid his arms around your middle.

“I have no say in this do I?”

“Nope.” You said popping the “p”. He chuckled.

“Nevermore huh?” you nodded yes. “Edgar would be proud.”

“Lost your balance on a tightrope

It’s never too late to get it back.”