#only downside there is bus still costs money

[softgrungeprophet]

man i really need to get on the current F4 run, it seems like a lot of fun, ryan north is very funny, and the alex ross covers are, as they say, banger

[lostwriter-sendrescue]

Moving out of Toxic Environments Is a Catch 22.

That might sound a bit off. but let me explain.

up until the fall of 2006, my father was a Logger for a small local logging company, mainly truck driver but he’d go and chop trees and replant too. my mother was a stay at home mom for a while, then worked in a little Piercing Pagoda stall in the local mall until it shut down, and then became a school bus driver. Our family was functional, but there were still headbutting between my older brother and father since, you know, oldest son VS sire things, but usually nothing between my father and mother than would make me feel uncomfortable or even unsafe. From about 2007 onward, things changed when my father left the logging company to work for an old school friend of his who had started up a construction company. At first, it was okay. then suddenly, my father would start arguing with my mother over money--bills mainly. (Let me explain quickly how school bus drivers get paid. They get paid monthly, not weekly. I think it’s the same for teachers too, but don’t quote me. My Dad was getting paid weekly. Mom’s money went towards the end of month bills/start of month bills, while Dad’s money typically went toward mid month bills and groceries, or anything for us kids.)

I had a little brother, and when these would start up, I’d take him up to my room, close the door, turn on a movie, and turn up the volume to drown out the shouts.

Also in this time, I started writing fanfics. I was fairly active in my writing, even if at this time I had very few things posted. It was kinda cathartic for me. by the time I was in high school, i had gotten a little better with my writing, and was actively posting on a couple fic sites. I also became a target for my father’s beer fueled arguments, problem was most of the time I yelled back because I didn’t want to let him think I’d stand for him treating me like a verbal punching bag.

The worse he got, the more depressed my mother got, and the more I ended up taking care of the house and my brother on top of doing chores and such. Which, if I was focusing on my schoolwork, I didn’t focus on much because you know, school was important. Which got me yelled at because mom would say I didn’t clean when Dad would yell at her, and he would yell at me. and I’d yell back that I was doing my schoolwork. He’d even almost cost me a laptop I had bought myself for school because I told him I was doing homework and he could do the dishes after dinner, and he threw a cup down hard enough on the keyboard that a few keys broke.

He then also started to play on equipment auction sites, as well as spending money on things he didn’t need of these sites...

2020 rolled around, I had been graduated for 8 years, but still lived at home with them because I was a working part time with shit pay, and had a form of major asthma problem pop up that was only taken seriously when my lips started turning blue because I couldn’t properly breathe. I was just getting that under control, when my 15 year old niece ended up living with us. I gave her my room in the house, and lived in the camper... which had me feeling a little more independent from everyone else despite it being a small space. even with it not being the most well taken care off maintenance wise before I had moved in, it gave me friend to make friends with people on the internet and talk to them on and off.

Then finally in 2021, my boyfriend and I moved out, moving into my neice’s father’s singlewide, which while not the most amazing place because his anger issues had caused lots of holes as well as his inability to properly discipline his oldest son, gave me freedom to actually drop walls that I had been forced to have from the previous enviroment I had. Downside? My mother knew where we lived, and would constantly show up to both hang out at noon between runs, as well as when dad threw her out for a week in February of 2022 because of the ever worsening money issues of him spending money they needed for bills and taking care of animals on the farm on the auction sites, and mom having to scramble to get the money from their join savings and her private one to pay bills.

Then because that brother that was the neice who moved in in 2020 decided we couldn’t live in the single wide anymore, so we had to move in with my Bf’s parents until we got our current appartment...

Between 2020 and moving into this apartment in october 2022, I was fairly active with my writing and had a good writing bug going. then, suddenly... my writing bug... died.

I have so many ideas I WANT to write, but I can’t figure out HOW to write them in a way that makes sense with the stories I have going on! I going in and add one or two sentences or go through and edit again for the umpteenth time. Or I help a friend and my bf with their stories.

But my own creative juice for my stories? Dry since I’ve gotten a place where I feel safe from my toxic family. Is this a thing?

[oneuldoh]

06월 08일 2023년

Yesterday, I had a scheduled onsite interview at Makati. The company was located near my previous work so I already know how to get there. A day before, I planned my outfit, the stuff that I’ll bring, printed my resume, and the route I’ll be taking. It’s been over a year since my last commute going to Makati so I have no idea if there were still buses going to Makati from Pala-Pala (a route I’m familiar with). Either I ride the bus in Pala-Pala that goes straight to Ayala avenue or ride a p2p bus that goes to Glorietta which is expensive af.[[MORE]]

I opted to ride a bus going to PITX instead. And before I knew it, it’s 12:58pm when I hailed a bus. I was mad at myself for being late. My appointment was at 2pm and I had 1 hour to get there. Usually it takes an hour and 30 minutes (or 2 hours if there’s traffic) to get to Makati. I only had 1 hour to get there. I was really mad at myself huhu it was really embarrassing and I had no excuses for it. I always make sure to allot an hour or two of waiting time when I have onsite interview. I was even confident that I’d get there in time because of how well prepared I was.

I rode an Angkas from PITX going to Legazpi village. It was hot af but luckily it didn’t rain. I got there around 3:00pm. Luckily, the HR was kind enough and moved my interview at 4pm because the head of the department has a meeting. I dropped off at Legazpi Active Park, a two minute walk from the office. I stayed at the park for five minutes to catch my breath. I had lunch at Chowking at 3:10pm. I could barely enjoy my food because 1) I realized I only had 40 minutes to finish my meal 2) I was too flustered to eat anything 3) It’s already 3pm and I passed out from hunger. I still ate what I ordered because it cost me 250php.

The office was smaller than the office of my previous company. This company is quite big daw but scattered in different places. I think the company has more or less 30 people working on site. Anyway, the interview went well since they mentioned that they liked the results of my Belbin test (said that I’m leaning towards the path that they are envisioning). I asked a few questions about the job, mentioned that they have company housing in Mandaluyong and that they could arrange for me to live there if there’s an available room, the job also has incentives for every project I deliver.

I am actually considering of accepting the offer even though I have to travel to Makati from Cavite. The downside is it’s 8am to 5pm. I wonder how my body will adjust to this. Back then I’d have no complaints but now that I’m currently taking meds for TB, I have to be careful not to tire my body out. So if I get this job, I have to be up by 4:30am, leave by 5:30am, drink meds by 6am, have breakfast by 7am and get to office by 8am. For five days. Then I clock out by 5pm, ride the bus by 6pm and get home by 8pm. I’ll have more or less 6hours of sleep. Plus I have to consider my phone. I need to buy a new one. I’m thinking of getting the Samsung A14 since it costs less than 13k. If I have enough money saved up, I’ll probably try and live in cheap dormitories near the office again.

Right now I’m trying to calculate my expenses mainly my commute fare and the amount I’ll spend on food (breakfast- baka mag baon ako, lunch, merienda). I think my salary isn’t cut for it. Ugh.

Well, hopefully dagdagan nila yung offer nila even though the position has some incentives. I just really need the money right now because this household won’t last this year.

Fighting, Janna. You can do it!

[jaydeemedia]

[ad_1] Iceland is undoubtedly one of the best islands to visit in the world. It’s wild, ethereal, and majestic while also being a humbling land of unforgettable experiences. Yet its landmass is more than some imagine, and ensuring that you get the most from your Iceland road trip will require a little bit of planning – both in terms of seasonality and which stops to spend your time at. I know many Iceland itineraries cram a lot in, for example, suggesting to do the Golden Circle in just one morning (which would leave you little time for more than a quick photo stop at each spot) or even recommending day trips to Black Diamond Beach (not to be confused with the also heavily photographed Black Sand Beach) which is around a five-hour drive each way from Reykjavik. Sure, these work if you just want to tick off a list of attractions and spend the bare minimum amount of time at each sight – helped when visiting in the near continually sun-lit days of summer – but if you ask me, that would be tragic; the incredible landscapes and experiences that an Iceland road trip offer are best savoured slowly. Still, I get that Iceland is an expensive country, and lingering to take your time can cost you both in terms of money and missed opportunities. As such, I’ve tried to craft these Iceland itineraries with that in mind, sharing a few suggested routes ranging from a quick three day Iceland itinerary to a more rounded seven day Iceland road trip – easily adaptable with your flight in mind. Strokkur erupts around every 6-10 minutes Following the seismic activity in Iceland at the end of October 2023, some attractions (such as The Blue Lagoon) and other locations may be closed for safety reasons – keep an eye on updates and plan accordingly. Planning your Iceland road trip: practical information Before diving into suggestions of the day-to-day route of these itineraries, here’s a little practical information you should consider when planning your Iceland road trip.  Getting around Iceland: tours, car rental, or buses  There are a few different ways to explore Iceland, each with its own pros and cons. Driving is, of course, the most popular option and my personal recommendation, as this gives you much more freedom. While there are plenty of tours – this is how I explored on my first visit – the costs can quickly add up. There are also buses, mainly operated by Strætó, yet the downside of exploring Iceland by public transport is many of the services to popular destinations are only scheduled a few times per day, meaning (unless you’re planning a long trip) you’ll have to be selective about where you visit – tickets and bus passes also aren’t the cheapest. As such, most travellers would say a car or campervan rental is essential to enjoy true freedom during your Iceland road trip. When choosing your car hire, be sure to check that local, on-the-ground support is available in case of any difficulties and that the office has extended opening hours (and out-of-hours drop-off), as some flights in and out of Keflavik are in the early hours. Family-operated companies such as Lava Car Rental offer a range of car rentals in Iceland, with SUVs, campervans and electric vehicles available alongside their standard affordable cars. Also handy is that all-important 24/7 self-service option for both picking up and dropping off. They also allow car rental without a credit card if you take the full insurance — something I always struggle to find with the big chains — and is considered one of the market leaders in Iceland, reflected in their accolades. You can also check with the rental company whether your planned Iceland itinerary requires a 4WD or if a standard rental car is suitable – you don’t want to overpay, nor do you want to get stuck in a tricky situation. You can also bring your own car to Iceland on the Faroe Islands ferry. However, this is a long journey, and it’s certainly going to be cheaper to rent a car rather than take such a long detour via Denmark, where the ferry departs.

Road tripping Iceland in winter restricts where you can go Which season is best for an Iceland road trip? The best time to visit Iceland for a road trip will depend entirely on the experience you want to have and how comfortable you are driving in potentially adverse conditions. In the summer, you’ll have much more time to explore the island as the days are long – especially around the midnight sun when there are close to 24 hours of light – while in the depths of winter, you might only have a handful of proper daylight hours to discover the island. Another consideration in winter is that camping is a no-go, and roads into parts of the highlands close due to snowfall. That said, I adore Iceland in winter (NYE is a great experience here); prices can drop dramatically, and seeing the snow-covered landscapes is dreamy. The bottom line is you’ll have to decide what experience you want from Iceland and then plan accordingly.  Getting around Iceland needs a little more consideration in winter How long should your Iceland road trip itinerary be? Personally, I wouldn’t really recommend less than a five-day itinerary for Iceland unless, of course, you’re on a stopover and only have time for a flying visit. That said, most of the major airlines serving Iceland, such as Icelandair and even new budget-focused Play, offer the chance to plan some stopover days. The second time I visited Iceland, I used one of these stopover programs with the now-defunct WOW when I travelled between San Francisco and London, and it was a great way to enjoy two trips for the “price of one”. Personally, I’d say give yourself at least a week to enjoy your Iceland road trip, and if you want to do the full ring road, then most people will recommend at least a 10 day itinerary so you have time to enjoy all the majestic scenery without any need to rush. Good to know: parking, rules, off-roading and road closures Parking in Iceland is, for the most part, free. However, some popular attractions, such as Seljalandsfoss, have a charge. Reykjavik also has some zoned paid parking. There’s a local app (Parka) on which you can pay most parking fees and book campsites. You won’t encounter any toll roads unless you use the northern tunnel while doing the full Ring Road. In winter, for safety reasons, all F roads (the highland gravel roads suited to 4WD) are closed, and some other roads can be shuttered, depending on the weather. If visiting in the winter, check on the website Road.is to keep up to date on any closures and keep in mind all other factors that apply when visiting Europe in winter. All off-road driving in Iceland is forbidden and punishable by fines; respecting the environment is of the utmost importance, especially given the sharp increase in tourist numbers in recent years. Silfra is one of Iceland’s most unique places to snorkel 3 Day Iceland itinerary On a three day Iceland itinerary, you’ll have a chance to experience some of the best things to do in Iceland close to the capital city of Reykjavik. If you’ve only got a long weekend to visit The Land of Fire and Ice, you’ll be able to get a decent introduction to the country’s landscapes, geothermal wonders, and wildlife with this three day itinerary that will work year-round. Tours are available to visit these attractions, but picking up a car on arrival will allow you to really maximise your short visit. The longest distances are covered on day two, so you have a full day and no need to rush back to the airport, though if you’re arriving in Iceland later in the day and have an evening departure, you might want to switch around days one and three.  Day one: The Golden Circle (optional: snorkelling in Silfra) Day two: Skógafoss (and Gljufrabui), Seljalandsfoss, Vik, Reynisfjara Beach Day three: Reykjavik and The Blue Lagoon Thingvellir National Park Church Day one: The Golden Circle (optional: snorkelling in Silfra) After landing in Keflavík and picking up your car, it’s time to get straight into your Iceland road trip.

The Golden Circle – a popular route which pulls together the highlights near Reykjavik – is a great starting point, especially if you’ve arrived early in the day. It takes around three hours to drive the full Golden Circle route, plus, of course, you’ll want to make plenty of time for stops on the way. However, I’d propose that you end and sleep in Selfoss rather than doing the full loop, so you shave around one hour off tomorrow’s driving time heading south. There’s a campsite and a few decent hotels here. With that in mind, head to UNESCO-listed Thingvellir National Park first. This was the location where Iceland’s Althing (parliament) used to meet, and you can enjoy a walk through the park, taking in the pretty church and even prettier landscapes. Here, you’ll also find Silfra, a rift where the continents’ tectonic plates meet. If you want to scuba dive or snorkel, you’ll want to book it in advance – no need for a tour with transport; you can meet the operators directly here to get your dry suit and enjoy the experience. I found the experience of snorkelling here unforgettable; just be aware you’ll need to allow around two hours, though, with a car, you’re not reliant on waiting for everyone else to finish their dive so that you can get away quicker. Then, continue driving inland to Haukadalur, a geothermal valley where you can witness Strokkur erupting around every 10 minutes and the now less-active Great Geysir. Not far beyond is the mighty Gullfoss waterfall. On the drive back to Selfoss, you could detour to the ‘Secret Lagoon’ thermal baths if time allows. Seljalandsfoss is one of Iceland’s most impressive waterfalls Day two: Seljalandsfoss, Skógafoss (and Gljúfrabúi), Vik, and Reynisfjara Beach If you’ve stayed in Selfoss, you’ll be looking at less than four hours of driving in total today. If you’re using Reykjavík as a base, then it will be over five hours in total – alternatively, if you have a late flight back on day three and you’re visiting in winter, consider staying along the south coast tonight in a small village in hopes of spotting the northern lights as there is less light pollution. You’ve got a few ways of enjoying this drive heading southeast. You can either head straight to Vik and then work your way back, do all the stops en route and then drive directly back at the end of the day, or split the stops en route (my recommendation) so you break the journey up and are never driving too much in one go. For example, do a waterfall, then Vik, then another waterfall on the way back.  Whichever way you choose, there are a handful of highlights you’ll certainly want to stop at. First up is my favourite, the Seljalandsfoss waterfall, which you can walk behind to feel the cascade’s power. Next is Skógafoss, a spectacular 60-metre plunging cascade which is not far from the more hidden Gljúfrabúi waterfall. Allow at least one hour here to visit the upper viewing platform. Hopefully, you’ll also spot Icelandic Horses nearby. Lastly, you’ll arrive at the small village of Vik, from which you can easily access Reynisfjara Beach, best known for its jet-black sands and the Reynisdrangar lava-formed basalt rock formations. If you’re visiting in summer and can make the most of the longer days, you might want to book a guided hike on the Solheimajokull Glacier near Skógafoss.  The Reynisdrangar rock formations Day three: Reykjavik and The Blue Lagoon To wrap up this three day Iceland road trip, spend some time in the capital city of Reykjavik. If you decided to stay in Selfoss again last night, you can enjoy a leisurely drive and perhaps a stroll in the geothermal Reykjadalur Valley en route. Once in Reykjavik, take a walking tour of the highlights, such as the Hallgrímskirkja church and the Sun Voyager sculpture. I’d also highly recommend paying a visit to the National Museum of Iceland, where you’ll get an insightful overview of the nation’s history without being overwhelmed or feeling rushed. End

your Iceland itinerary by driving back towards the airport to soak in the geothermal seawater spa that is the infamous Blue Lagoon. Sure, it’s touristy and perhaps not that authentic these days, but I found it truly magical – especially around sunset. You’ll want to book tickets online in advance to guarantee a visit, as it’s the most popular attraction on the island. This is also the reason I don’t recommend booking it straight after landing, as the time slots are highly contested, and if your flight is delayed, you may miss out. If you’re unable to get tickets, there are a couple of other options not far from Reykjavik, such as Sky Lagoon. After bathing, you’ll feel fully refreshed and ready for your flight – and if you have an intercontinental red eye, then the opportunity for a pre-flight shower and to get changed before departure will be much appreciated. The Blue Lagoon is one of the most touristy places to visit in Iceland 5 Day Iceland itinerary If you’ve got five days for your Iceland road trip, then you’ll be able to fit in not just a few more of the best places to visit in Iceland but also enjoy some of the country’s most incredible experiences, such as kayaking on a glacier lagoon or even trekking atop the glacier itself. Day one: The Golden Circle (optional: snorkelling in Silfra) Day two: Seljalandsfoss, Skógafoss (and Gljufrabui), Vik, and Reynisfjara Beach Day three: Black Diamond Beach and Jökulsárlón Glacier Lagoon Day four: Heimaey Island for puffins (or whale watching) and Reykjadalur Valley  Day five: Reykjavik and The Blue Lagoon Day one: The Golden Circle (optional: snorkelling in Silfra) Follow the suggestions of the three day Iceland itinerary above. Vik Church Day two: Seljalandsfoss, Skógafoss (and Gljúfrabúi), Vik, and Reynisfjara Beach Again, repeat the three day Iceland itinerary above, but instead of returning, book a place to stay around Vik instead. You can take the drive a bit more leisurely with a couple more stops, as you won’t need to return the same day. With this extra time, you could also spend some time at the Dyrhólaey nature reserve, just across from Vik’s black sand beach, where you might spot puffins as well as admire the natural arch at the end of the headland.  Diamond Beach is a must-visit in Iceland Day three: Black Diamond Beach and Jökulsárlón Glacier Lagoon It’s around another two-and-a-half-hour drive to Jökulsárlón from Vik along Route 1, so if you plan to journey there and back in one day, count on a solid five hours of driving. You can, of course, cut tomorrow’s island and puffin trip from this five day Iceland itinerary (especially in winter, as it’s not puffin season and days are shorter) and go a bit slower if you wish. This is also a good idea if you want to trek atop the glacier, as then you won’t be rushed or need to skip the other spots en route. For accommodation tonight, either return to Vik so you’re better placed for tomorrow’s island trip (less of a drive in the morning) or stay closer to the glacier so you can split some of the activities and stops over two days. Either way, set off early to make the most of the day, as there are a few places between Vik and Jökulsárlón Glacier you’ll want to visit. If you want to trek atop the Vatnajökull glacier or kayak in the Jökulsárlón lagoon, you should have booked these experiences and guides in advance, and you can then plan your schedule around this. First up is the striking river-flanking Fjaðrárgljúfur Canyon, propelled to fame when Justin Bieber filmed a music video here. You’ll want around an hour to walk the top trail from the car park. Back on the main road, you’ll then have the option to detour to Svartifoss waterfall if you wish. Just before Jökulsárlón, there’s also the Fjallsárlón glacier lagoon, which is often a little less crowded. Still, you’ll want to spend most of today around Jökulsárlón Glacier Lagoon. Dotted with icebergs, this is the country’s deepest lake, and it’s absolutely mesmerising.

Here, you can take seasonal boat or kayak tours on the waters to get a closer look at the floating ice and potentially spot the seals that call the lagoon home. On the ocean side of the lagoon, the Black Diamond Beach (Breiðamerkursandur) is just as picturesque, with the large translucent nuggets of ice providing an incredible contrast to the dark black sands. Behind it all is the vast Vatnajökull ice cap and its various outlets. Visiting the ice caves or trekking atop the glacier are some of the most incredible experiences you can have in the country, and the highlight of my visits to Iceland remains this corner of the country. Jokulsarlon Glacier Lagoon is one of the best places in Iceland to kayak in summer Day four: Heimaey Island for puffins (or whale watching) and Reykjadalur Valley   If you’re visiting between May and August, a boat trip to Heimaey Island is a great idea for several reasons. Firstly, it’s home to the largest puffin colony in the world, so you’ll have plenty of opportunities to admire Atlantic Puffins. Secondly, you’ll get to see another side of Iceland by leaving the mainland for one of the islands. Thirdly, you might have the chance to see whales and other wildlife while visiting, especially if you take a boat tour with Viking, who operate trips around the Vestmannaeyjar archipelago from the main island. From Vik, it’s around a one-hour drive to Landeyjahöfn, the departure point of the ferries. The crossing takes around 40 minutes, and there are sailings every couple of hours. You can take your car on the ferry (additional cost) or park for free at Landeyjahöfn and cross on foot – a decent option if you plan on taking a boat tour around the archipelago anyway. End the day by driving through the geothermal Reykjadalur Valley back to overnight in Reykjavik. It takes around two hours to drive back to the city. Day five: Reykjavik and The Blue Lagoon To wrap up this five day itinerary for Iceland, follow the suggestions of what to do in Reykjavik on ‘day three’ of the three day Iceland itinerary above – you’ll likely have a bit of extra time, so you could squeeze in a couple more attractions such as Árbær Open Air Museum just outside the city centre before wrapping up at The Blue Lagoon. Reykjavik is the capital city of Iceland 7 Day Iceland itinerary With one week in Iceland, you can see more of the country away from the most visited spots. If you don’t mind a fast-paced road trip itinerary, then you could consider doing the full Ring Road around the island, although if you want time to do this route justice and not feel rushed, a lot of locals would advise you to allow at least ten days. For a more leisurely seven day Iceland road trip itinerary, spend a couple of days in the Snæfellsnes Peninsula instead. Day one: The Golden Circle (optional: snorkelling in Silfra) Day two: Seljalandsfoss, Skógafoss (and Gljufrabui), Vik, and Reynisfjara Beach Day three: Black Diamond Beach and Jokulsarlon Glacier Lagoon Day four: Heimaey Island for puffins (or whale watching) and Reykjadalur Valley  Day five: Snæfellsnes Peninsula Day six: Snæfellsnes Peninsula  Day seven: Reykjavik and The Blue Lagoon Day one to four: as above Follow the five day Iceland itinerary above, staying in Reykjavik on the evening of day four  Exploring glaciers and ice caves Day five and six: Snæfellsnes Peninsula From Reykjavik, it’s a little over two hours drive to the Snæfellsnes Peninsula, and then around another two and a half hours to loop around it. So, while it is possible to do this slightly more offbeat western part of the country as a day trip, it’s going to be rushed. As such, split it over two days and spend a night staying out here – the town of Grundarfjörður has perhaps the largest cluster and choice of hotels and guesthouses on the peninsula. Highlights you’ll want to cover in these two days include seeing the peninsula’s iconic Kirkjufell, an almost conical green-carpeted mountain

fronted by a waterfall (allow an hour or two for a scenic walk), a visit to the underground Vatnshellir Cave, an 8000-year-old lava tube, and the narrow Rauðfeldsgjá Gorge. While very different from the much more famous Fjaðrárgljúfur canyon, it’s still a decent alternative, especially given the latter has been closed on and off in recent years due to the environmental damage of so much footfall.  At the tip of the peninsula, the Snæfellsjökull National Park draws together many of the epic landscapes and natural phenomena that make Iceland so special, and at the heart of it all, the icecap-crowned Snaefellsjökull stratovolcano is a sight to behold. With two days to road trip the peninsula, you’ll also have enough time to to stop at one or two small fishing villages, such as Arnarstapi, visit the pebbles and dark sands of Djúpalónssandur beach, and witness the Hallmundarhraun lava field and waterfalls. There are also a couple of geothermal baths and hot spring spas here, such as Lýsuhólslaug, which would make for a more laid-back alternative to the Blue Lagoon. Snæfellsnes Peninsula Day seven: Reykjavik and the Blue Lagoon Follow the same suggestions for the last day in Reykjavik and the Blue Lagoon, as detailed in the Iceland itinerary above. Make your Iceland road trip longer with a 10 or 14 day itinerary On a 10 or 14 day Iceland road trip, you can enjoy the Ring Road at a more leisurely pace, allowing time to really stop and explore places en route. From spring until autumn, you could alternatively add a Westfjords extension to the seven day Iceland itinerary or venture into the highlands if you’ve rented a 4WD. [ad_2] Source link

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #16

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Colombo’s Bookstore

Sri Lanka didn’t have as many bookstores as Japan. It had about three times as many used car shops as in Japan, I believed. But there were few bookstores.

In the first place, be them used car stores or bookstores, the shops were by no means big. This country was a tiny island with a national territory smaller than Japan’s, so lands that had forest reserves of local nature in them and real estate were probably valuable. If anything, I had an affinity for the place. But it was a pity that the bookstores were so few.

I often spent my time alone nowadays, so above all else, I appreciated having anything to read. I wasn’t the bookworm type, but there were just too many book-selling places in Japan. If you were getting off at some notable station in Tokyo, no matter which one it was, there would be at least one bookstore within walking distance. I also had a fresh memory of Saul-san telling me that “Japanese people really like their books”.

A street vendor was selling scissors in front of a bookstore in the sunlit streets of Colombo, the capital of Sri Lanka. Why did he decide to sell scissors by the road? And right before my eyes, a person on a bus riding slowly down the avenue was buying a pair of scissors from him. Did they have some bag that they wanted to cut open no matter what or something? I had no idea, but anyway, this was a world that operated with standards different from Japan’s, in which supply and demand were apparently well-established.

With glass doors, the bookstore had a magnificent structure and felt nice and cold when I stepped in. The study reference books were on the second floor, so I went up the arched stairs that parted to left and right, searching for the shelf that I was aiming for.

There you are.

I took three books from it, and when I went to the checkout, the female clerk, dressed in a sari, asked me, “Is this all?” in English. The official languages ​​of this country were English, Sinhala and Tamil, with English being spoken by both Sinhalese and Tamils. I believed she was Sinhalese. Because the sari was not a Hindu but a Buddhist thing.

“These are volumes 2, 3 and 4. What about volume 1?”

“I bought just volume 1 a while ago. And it was really good, so I also wanted to learn the rest from this book series.”

“So you’re studying Sinhala. That’s rare. Where are you from?”

“I’m Japanese,” I answered.

What I had come to buy was a Sinhala language study reference book. It was a book for people who couldn’t read Sinhala, so it was, of course, written in English. Even so, I had read it a little before traveling. I also found and purchased a Sinhala language study reference book written by a Japanese scholar, which I was able to buy in Japan.

Regardless, it was kind of useless for my range of understanding, so I almost felt like throwing it away before I could learn anything. I told Saul-san about this when asking him for advice, at which he burst into laughter and then bought me a red paperback book.

A Sinhala book written in English.

The letters were very large and there weren’t too many words. As for the quality of the paper, on the bright side, it was straw paper, and on the downside, it was gray and flimsy. But the contents were very easy to understand and the insides were firmly packed.

This reference book taught Sinhala letters first, as well as the meaning and pronunciation of each one. From that point onward, I couldn’t be more thankful for it. Sinhala was a language written with a Sinhalese alphabet, after all. In addition to vowels such as A, I, U, E and O, it jumped on to a variety of consonants and other symbols that stuck one letter to another like joints. It explained each of them carefully so that even people who didn’t know Sinhalese at all could understand them. This book solved a large percentage of the problem that I had stumbled upon, namely “I can’t find the commonalities and differences between letters, so I don’t know how to tell them apart and can’t organize them in my head”. I was grateful for that. There was no need to ask Richard-sensei for a foreign language course via international call all the time anymore.

That being said, there were many letters in Sinhala. Meaning that there were several pronunciations. You’d think that the Japanese syllabary was cute in comparison. Not all of it could be explained in one book, and the lectures were extended over to the second volume, but Saul-san had bought only one book, in case it didn’t suit me. The results were as could be seen. It was the same kind of joy as reading one book from a novel series and then buying all the sequels.

Learning languages was fun. By the looks of it, learning how to link them directly to communication was what worked for me.

“But can’t you live in Sri Lanka while speaking English, even if you don’t understand Sinhala? Are you on a business trip?”

“Something like that, but if possible, I’d like to talk to people using a Sri Lankan language. I’m Japanese, but I’ve had the experience of being a bit happy when someone from a foreign country spoke in Japanese to me, so now I guess it’s my turn.”

“You have so much free time, huh!”

I had no words to reply. The clerk and I burst into laughter without any reserve and finished the checkout. As I went down the arched stairs, I found a space where they were selling festival tools, stationery and picture books. Many of the same books were arranged on two sides.

Or so I thought.

But that was apparently not it. What I thought to be the exact same large-format picture books were the English version and the Sinhala version. You’d miss it if you were distracted because the pictures were the same, but the picture book, which was probably a Sri Lankan version of a “Japanese folktale”-like work, was published in two languages.

“Y’see, the ones who buy these are parents who want their kids to learn English. ‘Cause speaking English comes in handy.”

When I turned around, the clerk who had been at the cash register on the second floor was right behind me. It seemed she had come to see me off. Apparently, the cashier on the first floor called out to her, telling her to go back to work or something like that, to which she replied at length, and the two exchanged laughs. Maybe the people in this bookstore were cheerful, as not all Sri Lankans expressed their emotions so openly.

“This one is the ‘Mean Old Man’. This one is ‘The Perahera Festival’.”

“Can even a small child understand it well?”

“Of course. This book is big so that it’s easy to read to them.”

Indeed, it was a thin picture book of a size larger than A4. In Japan, it wouldn’t be strange for it to have an anime or manga-style art, but the art of this one had an ethnic touch to it, perhaps to match the contents. The colors were rich, the mean old man was drawn in a vile yet comical way, and the blue gradation of the feathers in a bird’s tail looked tasteful.

“Hum, excuse me. Can I buy this too?”

“You’re going to buy it? Do you have children?”

“I’ll read it myself.”

The clerk laughed again, but after a moment, she made a straight face and told me that it certainly might be perfect for studying. I bought the picture book at the cash register on the first floor. Either way, it cost about 500 Sri Lankan rupees, which was about 600 Japanese yen, but in the eyes of this country’s people, that was probably quite a high price. This was a world of 10 rupees for a loaf of bread and 3 rupees for a cup of tea. Thinking like that, I could understand why there weren’t many bookstores and why there were so few people here.

You can’t eat or drink books. They’re not daily necessities either, like clothes, scissors or toothbrushes. Being able to spend money on such things as if it were obvious must be a sign of wealth. My country was all the more disagreeable for having bookstores everywhere. I’d never thought about it that way.

As I took the receipt and said, “Stūtiyi”, which was “thank you” in Sinhala, the black-haired woman smiled, looked at my face and said in Japanese, “Thank you very much. We will be awaiting your return.”

“Amazing!”

“Thanks.”

And so, she told me that her husband had been working with sheet metal in Ibaraki, Japan, for a while. Her pronunciation of the words “Ibaraki” and “sheet metal” was really good. Apparently, her husband had started up a small company with the money he had earned as an immigrant worker and was its president.

With her waving a hand at me and telling me to be careful, I left the store.

Even though it was early spring, the sunlight in Colombo felt like that of midsummer in Japan. But I was growing quite fond of this glare. Everyone walking in the streets was wearing mid-sleeves, and if they were so inclined, beach sandals too, but the humidity wasn’t as high as in Japan, so I could think that, indeed, this was also spring. The white of the temple flowers blooming along the road was refreshing as well. They reminded me just a little bit of cherry blossoms. And from this street, I could clearly see my favorite landmark.

Colombo Tower, a tower that had the lotus flower as its motif.

It was a Tokyo Tower-like landmark, not visible from my base camp, the mountain town of Kandy, and although the shape was grandiose, it was still under construction and nobody could enter it. However, one day – I didn’t know whether that would be while I was still in Sri Lanka or after I had settled somewhere else, but – I definitely wanted to climb that. I would.

May I be a little more proficient in the language of this country than I am now by then, and if possible, may I get to have small talk in the tower.

With a modest goal and a new book, I treaded the way to Saul-san’s office.

[fleechin]

Separatory Funnel

Here’s my 2020 Portal Secret Santa for @artistyutaki, she offered a few prompts but one that I thought was interesting was Chell and GLaDOS/PotatOS hiding from Wheatley in the later chapters of Portal 2. I thought I might as well tie it into some of Chell’s thoughts about the ordeal, while also showing what Wheatley’s up to. I also noticed she was interested in the idea of computer gore, with plates and cables all over the place, so I tried to incorporate a bit of that in as well. I also threw in a tiny nod to Mel and Blue Sky since she mentioned she’s a Blue Sky fan. So this ended up being longer than I thought, and it’s my first time writing a proper fanfic of sorts, but I really hope you like this! I had a great time making it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was not the best place to be in right now. 

Not that it ever was down here, but where Chell was at this exact moment was especially not great. She didn’t complain though, it could always get worse. Actually, it usually did get worse, especially right about when she would wonder if it ever could. Perhaps it was best not to ask that question right about now. Sure, she had just fallen from a deactivated funnel and landed in a dark office whose only door was blocked by overturned desks, monitors, and furniture, which happened to be heavy enough that it’d be a pain in the back to move but for whatever reason the Portal Gun didn’t want to pick up. On the bright side, at least she didn’t fall all the way back down to the 1950s again.

Realistically though, knowing Aperture, it was bound to get worse no matter what she did. If even superstition was anywhere near reliable at this point, it would have been an improvement compared to everything else in this insane complex that somehow had only gotten stranger and more… alien-like, almost, after its founder had died of moon rock poisoning. At least the idea of a set of metal underground spheres laced with asbestos and full of half finished test chambers, the brainchild of a man proudly named Cave, was somewhat navegable. There was an understanding that if one were to see some place and travel far enough in that direction, they would eventually get to that place. If that place moved downwards in freefall, it would be because of the design of the facility, not some sarcastic supercomputer trying to keep her testing while calling her fat.

This bundle of desks, chairs and monitors was somehow all tangled up, with the wires going all over the place. It looked like she would have to either pull the whole thing at once or remove each one separately.

The recordings she heard from Cave Johnson painted a general picture, though they didn’t get awfully specific. But seeing as ground up moon rocks were all the rage down here back in those days, and hearing Cave coughing while ranting about lemons for some reason, it wasn’t difficult for her to figure out exactly how they managed to finally bring down the founder of Aperture. The real surprise? That somehow every other employee at Aperture hadn’t inhaled the stuff and keeled over. It had to have been a possibility, as there was no way that anyone smart enough to work a portal gun would have taken it upon themselves to design any part of this place without being crazy enough to consider the idea. 

This table was a lot heavier than it looked. Hopefully she could fold it over. It wasn’t exactly easy to see the parts that let the table fold on itself when it was this dark.

Could she have been one of those scientists? Chell couldn’t remember anything about herself before waking up under Her testing course, however long ago that was, or whether she was actually adopted, like every personality construct in this place seemed to think was a big deal. Any attempt at figuring out how she got down here would have to be based on guesswork. She was a test subject, which made her a likely employee at some point, though if Her insults were anything to go by, she was only a part time employee. Not committed to this job, just doing it on the side to make ends meet.

She finally managed to fold the damn table, and began to drag it out of the way.

At least that meant she wasn’t some Olympian from the 60s who got tricked into going here. Or a homeless person that got plucked off the streets of some town in Upper Michigan all for the promises of $60 at the end. She wasn’t sure how much that would be in today’s money, but wasn’t about to get optimistic. The real downside to it all was that she never would be able to figure it out. She didn’t even know how long it had been other than that it was long enough to concern Wheatley about brain damage, and even if there were information available about her and why she was here to begin with, she didn’t want to go out of her way to find it. Her main goal was getting out of here as quickly as possible, so there was no time for expositional detours. 

At most, she could stumble upon her backstory without looking for it. Figuring out what happened to Caroline was enough for one day, or however long it had been since she had last gotten some sleep. Besides, it would probably be a huge letdown anyway. Maybe she really was adopted after her birth parents considered her completely unlikeable even as a baby. Maybe her last name was something boring, like Smith. Or Jones. Maybe her name wasn’t even Chell at all. But hey, at least it wasn’t Cave. Hopefully.

Of course, she could just ask the supercomputer turned potato battery where she came from. Yes, that would be a great idea, confiding in who up until recently was her own worst enemy about a detail that She had constantly made fun of. She definitely wouldn’t take advantage of that fact and tell her all about how little Miss Chell SmithJonesWhatever couldn’t hold a single job until she came here because everyone hated her. They seemed to be on good terms now, but she wasn’t going to risk jinxing herself. Besides, she had a rule. No talking in Aperture. Nothing that any AI said was ever worth a response. 

So the lights didn’t work in this room anymore. Phenomenal.

Regardless, even though it still didn’t explain whether she was one of the employees, part time, or otherwise, who might have almost inhaled ground up rocks that cost anywhere from a TV to a house - she wasn’t about to do the math to figure anything more precise than that - it was at least clear that she had made it into Aperture under vaguely legitimate pretenses, and that they considered her smart enough to get her hands on a machine that, in the right hands, could’ve solved the world’s climate crisis by generating free energy. It was damning with faint praise.

Which just so happened to summarize the remarks from her semi edible companion. Not directed at her, for once, rather the situation at hand. Neither one of them were the most frequent of talkers, but She was more willing to comment on the situation. Funny enough, once they happened to agree with each other, Chell could reasonably rely on her as somewhat of a spokesperson. 

“After seeing what he's done to my facility, after we take over again, is it alright if I kill him?” 

Chell looked over at the glowing yellow circle, the only part of Her she could actually make out in the darkness of the room, and could only shrug her shoulders. Do whatever you want, she would have said. Frankly, as much as the two had been getting along, Chell wasn’t about to act like this was some new found friendship between the two. As far as she was concerned, the facility deserved to explode in a mushroom cloud with a giant blast radius. The bigger the better. If she was lucky, it would kill Her, Wheatley, and every other personality construct. Just as long as she wasn’t there for it. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since he was connected to the mainframe, Wheatley had been trying to figure out how to work this new body. Now that his only test subject was missing, admittedly due to a mistake on his part, he could explore further. There had to at least be some way to hack the solution euphoria program. But until then, the next order of business was to redesign his lair to his own liking. Not too bad a job She did, but it didn’t quite have the Wheatley style to it. Needed a bit more work. Namely, getting rid of that stalemate button. No way that could remain. 

“Right, so, asking the announcer... voice... guy... didn’t seem to do anything.” He said out loud, “Guess he didn’t quite understand what I was getting at. Hmm, wait a minute, maybe if I go and change this setting, then- Это программное обеспечение повреждено. Удалите его и обратитесь к администратору. Aaaand, nope, still there. Hasn’t even budged a little bit. Guess that didn’t work.”

He then remembered the complexities of hacking the neurotoxin emitters and thought he might start there. “Oh, um hello, Mister button, there.” He said in an accent beyond the rage of any human’s hearing, “I’m a representative of the mechanical parts… association, and we are inviting you to a… convention! Yes, a convention, with all sorts of members, cubes, turrets, even other buttons! And we’d like to invite you! Full expenses paid, shuttle bus straight there to the convention. And there’s going to be a whole panel on buttons! Who knows, they might even have you as a guest speaker! All you have to do is head straight down to the lowest part of the facility! That’s where the bus is! Just head on down there and you’re good to go!”

The button didn’t budge. 

“Not one for conventions I guess? Perhaps you’re more of an introverted sort of button. Doesn’t mind being pressed but also fine with staying where he is.”

Wheatley, being the genius he knew he was, figured he ought to look in the old tapes to see what Her old room looked like. Ever since She had been killed, the facility had been in some disarray, of that much Wheatley was well aware. The relaxation center had taken a hit, for sure, and it seemed the rest of the facility was none the better. Wheatley wondered how long it had been, and though he probably could have figured it out, this new interface wasn’t exactly what he would have considered user friendly. 

Come to think of it, he could figure out a few things at once by going through the recordings. For one, he could figure out what Her old room looked like and what She had done about this pesky little button. Or more interestingly, how her whole room got destroyed just from being shut down, that was always a mystery there. 

All he could find were tapes, and they didn’t seem too promising. Just video feeds of the room, none of which showed if the button was there at all or what she had done with it. Maybe skipping around a bit would work, perhaps it would show something. Nothing so far…

Wait a minute now, here were the tapes of when She was killed. Yes, this was definitely the same test subject all right. Silent as always, she was. Maybe her brain damage was pre-existing.

Well this was concerning. Neither neurotoxin nor the built in rocket turret defense station was enough to even faze her. All that nameless lunatic needed were a couple of seemingly easy portals and in less than the required six minutes She was dead. 

If that silent test subject was still alive, she could find any flaw in his lair design and it’d be bye bye Wheatley. 

First immediate order of business, no portal surfaces anywhere in the lair. That shouldn’t be too hard, just meant he would have to move some panels around. There, piece of cake, only a few panels detached and falling off. That was probably normal.

“Right, no portal surfaces anywhere. Check that off the list. Ding! Next we can- OW! Great, another panel just went and fell right out of the ceiling. Hit me right in the… to be honest I’m not sure what this part of me even is. Doesn’t really look like it does anything useful. Tell you what, how about I take this part off, don’t really need it do we? Won’t be hurting anymore, I imagine. Here we go, unscrewing… and done!”

The offending plate came off of his right side, pulling down several attached cables right out of their sockets, leaving them to dangle around and coil around the floor like snakes. Snakes that occasionally gave out electrical sparks. That probably existed somewhere in nature. Electric snakes. Maybe unicrons ate them. Wheatley made a mental note to look that up, right after learning how to play cards. 

“OK, wow that was actually pretty painful. Guess they don’t simulate any anaesthetic in this thing. Aaand now the lights are flickering on and off. Those are the lights, right? The flashlight doesn’t seem to be helping, so maybe I killed that too. That’s probably normal. Happens sometimes. That’ll probably fix itself.”

In the meantime, he at least had time to see what else was in Her old archives. Maybe there was a guide to fixing whatever was going on. Nope, nothing there. He did find an old security protocol system. Aperture Employee Guardian and Intrusion System, it was called. Interesting, that could help make sure she never got anywhere near his lair. Wait, no, that system was shut down locally. Before She went back online even. Odd, not clear who did that. What else was there… Oh, hang on a minute. The Cooperative Testing Initiative. That sounded useful. Wheatley kept reading. 

Yes, these two little bots seemed to be the fix for everything. As soon as he could he had one of each type assembled and sent straight up to his lair. 

“Hello! Right, so I understand you guys are built for testing, and what have you. So, I have selected you two to be my next testers. I need a few favors from you two though. See those cables down there? The ones that are kind of sparking there a bit? Those? Yeah, ever since I unhooked those, the lights have been flickering on and off.”

Blue looked at Orange, somewhat confused.

“You guys don’t see it? Wait, it just happened again real quick right there.”

Orange shook its head.

“So that might just be my optic sputtering out then. Yeah, that’s not great. Either way, I need you guys to try and get those back into me so I can see again. Now you might be wondering why I can’t just use those grabbers of mine and do it myself? Turns out, if I ever try to fix myself without someone else to help out, I’ll die. So you guys will have to do it for me.”

They both suddenly appeared nervous, and Blue slowly approached the bundle of wires. They sent out a spark and they both flinched. Upon reaching the wire, Blue picked up the first one, which went back in without a hitch. The second one was still going through the exterior plate that Wheatley had just unscrewed off. Pulling it as hard as possible didn’t work. Orange, annoyed, went up and pushed Blue out of the way, then slowly pulled out the cable and stuck it back in. By now the flickering was still happening, but only in randomly appearing colors.

“Great! OK now just one more to go! Home stretch!”

Orange was ready to pick up the last cable, but Blue, unrelenting, snatched it out of Orange’s grasp, and emphatically plugged it in. And then the flickering stopped.

“You did it! Bingo! Oh, man alive, that’s much better. Aaand now it seems you guys are knocking each other’s heads out of their… socket, things, whatever they’re called. Not really getting anything productive out of that, besides I kinda need you guys for something else.”

Neither Blue nor Orange were hearing it though. Once they had decided to play the classic game of Knock the Other Bot’s Head Off, there was little that could stop the competition. For personality constructs designed to get along, they did this a lot.

“Ahem, knock knock, anybody there?!”

It was getting heated. Now Blue was running around with Orange’s head, Orange’s body trying to chase after it but only managing to flail around miserably due to lack of eyes.

“ENOUGH!”

Wheatley hadn’t had an outburst like that in a while. It was a little easier when his only test subject and her potato weren’t driving him up the wall smashing his monitors and not giving him the relief when he wanted it. But the lack of test solution euphoria was starting to make its presence known once more, and it made him impatient as ever. Both bots stopped to look over, then Orange snatched its head and put it back on, glancing angrily at Blue.

“You know, there are bots in orphanages that don't even have heads to steal. Maybe think about how lucky you two are and stop fiddling around like that, yeah?”

They both looked at each other, shrugged the mechanical equivalent of their shoulders and gave each other a quick hug. Wheatley didn’t understand how they could forgive each other so quickly, but he wasn't about to object.

“Right, so, what I need you guys to do is see if we can find any neurotoxin reserves. Ever since I hacked the main factory, genius, I know; we haven’t had any neurotoxin to dispense. So I’m building you a testing course that should lead to where the neurotoxin facility was to see if you can find any clues. Alright, Go team!”

Several panels cleared out of the way to reveal two elevators facing each other, one blue and one orange. The bots looked at each other before taking off and heading to the disassembly machines. In less than a minute they had reached the first test, a simple introductory course with a laser and a redirection cube. And no test of Wheatley’s would be complete without his signature, the word TEST written in lights on the wall. 

These two were smart enough to have figured out how to solve it rather quickly, and Wheatley immediately felt the rush of solution euphoria. Whether it was the amount of time since he had last felt it or because he was testing new subjects, this felt much better than the last few tests he had gotten his other subject to try. Now he could focus on the text task, seeing if there was a trap he could build, just in case those two weren’t dead. Getting rid of the button would have to wait. Maybe if they found some turrets or explosives to keep anyone from reaching it, that could work as a solution. For a little while at least.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having cleared out all the tables, chairs, and any other debris lying around in what was once an office, Chell could finally get through to the other side and out the door. And the potato on her gun had done a great job at keeping her company. 

“Oh good, now we can get going again. Maybe we can find a way out of here.”

Chell picked up the portal gun and made her way out of the office. To her disappointment, the walkway just led down to the entryway to another test.

“Great, it looks like we’ll need to keep testing a little while longer. And I’m not sure we have that much more time left. Look on the bright side though. Maybe we’ll get to see more of that moron’s inventions. Maybe he’s gotten so desperate he’ll have tried to fuse a turret with a redirection cube and give it laser eyes.”

Chell couldn’t help but smile a bit at that. She resented that Wheatley had become like this, and somewhat missed him in a way, but it was nice to occasionally poke fun at his less than amazing intelligence.

“If a defective turret and a pile of trash had a baby, he would make an excellent pet for that baby.”

Chell’s smile grew slightly bigger and she chuckled silently. It was kind of nice to hear Her jokes while not also being the recipient. The classic insults thrown her way, that she was fat, adopted, unlikeable; those didn’t work on her at all. But they were at least well crafted, almost stand-up quality, though she never would have admitted that. Despite being a murderous former supercomputer with zero conscience up until this point, she did have a bit of a knack for humor. Chell would at least miss that when she left this place.

This was the end of the walkway, and Chell jumped down; her testing break was over. It was going to get tough before she finally did make it out of here.

[jacks-jester]

My Love.

[Phoenix! Joker x Reader] angsty but ends with fluff

Words: 3,193

Warnings: Angsty, abandonment trauma, sexual harassment, mentions of murder, mentions of attempted sexual assault/rape. (This is a pretty heavy piece, nothing super explicit though)

Summary: After three years, you run into the man you had abandoned all those years ago. He was never the Joker to you though, to you he was always Arthur- your love, your one and only. What happens when he reunites with you for the first time post killing Murray? What happens when it seems the person you left has disappeared.

A/N~ This took me literally all day to type up, I kept revising it and fixing it up. I think I portrayed Arthur a bit better but still would like to work on him more, I feel I can do better in the future. Once again, Requests are open for fics/drabbles/hcs. Any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

It had been three years since you had last spoken to Arthur, three years since you two had slept together, three years since you had left him. It was no secret that the two of you had your fair share of mental issues, but maybe that's what had balanced you two out so well. You both understood each other, truly saw one another, when either one of you had an episode or a fit, the other would know the perfect way to calm the situation down. However, there were downsides to Arthur and your relationship. The main issue though, was both of your shared insecurities. The two of you both thought you weren’t worthy of one another, though you would both combat each others thought constantly.

It was painful leaving him, but you had done it and the second it was done, you couldn’t find the guts to go back. You and Arthur had been neighbors for years, the two of you always sharing light conversations in the elevator, eventually the light conversation grew into a friendship, and soon after a relationship. You are Arthur had always been a match made in heaven, always being there for each other and ensuring the other was supported at all times. He was the only person you felt who truly saw you, and likewise to him - some things are just too good to last you always told yourself.

You had left shortly after your 2 year anniversary, after a night spent in each others arms, the two of you staying up until you were exhausted, relishing in the feeling of each others bodies. Arthur always had a habit of falling asleep after making love, always seeming most at ease in the moments afterwards. You figured it was due to the fact he felt content, secure, and cared for in those moments - his deepest insecurities buried away temporarily. It was that night as you stayed awake, fingers gently combing through his brown hair that you truly took him in. He was perfection in every sense of the words - his hair soft and fluffy to the touch, his cheeks hollowed out which only made his jaw and cheekbones that much more chiseled, he was skinny - to a point some might be scared of his form, but to you he was absolute artwork, every nook and cranny etched in your mind, his emerald eyes were always full of love and admiration when he looked at you no matter how difficult the day had been. Your favorite thing about him though was his carefree laugh, his real ones, not the kind the racked his body, his throat closing as the cackles were forced out due to discomfort.

In that moment your insecurities rang in your head on repeat, unable to tear your gaze from the man you loved so deeply. He was everything someone could ask for, and you had no doubt he was the only person out there for you, the only person who would ever understand you, the only person in the entirety of this wretched world that would love you unconditionally. He always had such a big heart, and you knew from the moment you had first seen him that he was the one for you. Deep in your subconscious though, your monsters whispered venom into your mind. 

‘He’s too good for you. You could never give him what he deserve. He’s only settled for you, and now you’re holding him back from what he deserves. He could find someone so much better than you, you’re suffocating him from that opportunity. You’re not his one, even if you wish you could be.’

Your illness had won that night, tearing you away from your home, from happiness, from him. You didn’t spare a second glance as you packed a few of your personal belongings in one of his work duffel bags, pushing a decent amount of cash into the bag, left your key on the counter, and left with not so much as a note. You had taken the first bus out of town, trying your best to settle a life outside of Gotham, as far from him as possible. You never dated anyone else, unable to find attraction or comfort in anyone but him - always comparing the people you met to him. You found yourself worse off than when you left, but hoped he would find someone better for him. There were several times you had to force yourself to not run back - too ashamed of what he might think, even more scared you’d find him with a new life, despite the fact that it was what you had wanted in the first place.

Three years had passed, scrounging for money, trying to find work, attempting to find some remnants of the happiness you had felt before you’d left. By a sick twist of fate, you had found yourself back in Gotham - Gotham being the only place you could find decent work. A week. That's all it took for you to regret taking the job. You were working as a bank teller, your boss was an absolute pompous snob, your coworkers were perverted, and the customers were absolutely horrific. You bared with it though, knowing this was one of your last real opportunities for a steady job. The entirety of Gotham drained your energy completely when you lived here; so in an attempt to maintain some of your sanity and positivity, you avoided the news at all cost. In Gotham, the news brought nothing but negative things to dampen anyone's day.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

It was another lousy day at work, dealing with customers who were idiots, dealing with groping and harassment from your coworkers, your boss seeming to constantly look for an excuse to fire you. You were nearing the end of your shift when it happened, protestors had moved up the city after being confronted with police aggression downtown. These weren’t the peaceful type though, these were the kind hell bent on causing as much chaos and damage as possible. A good part of you sided with them, understanding their outrage at the unfair treatment towards the less unfortunate of Gotham, towards the kind of people you and Arthur were. Even now, you had to forge documents to get your job, knowing any sign of mental illness would immediately erase any chance you had at securing a job.

You watched as people in clown masks flooded the streets as night began to fall, the glass doors of the bank allowing you a full view of the riots. Cars were set aflame, a few more confrontational protestors smashing the glass of the bank doors and windows, the city was screaming. The anguish and anger radiated off the mob like wildfire, their shouting echoing through the streets outside the bank. You knew it was only a matter of time until they would begin robbing the bank, hoarding the money they could secure. You opted to leave the second you shift ended, wanting to keep as far away from the damage as possible, just go home and sleep. 

You secured a few of your belongings, tossing your bag over your shoulder as you headed out the backdoor, sparing a last glance at the building crowd. You let out a sigh as you began walking away from large white building, knowing it was fastest to take the back alleys to get to the buses. The alleys were smothered in fog and smoke, the moldy air clinging to your lungs with each breath your took in, you hated it here. You had nearly reached the end of the alleys when you were harshly grabbed by the arm, thrown against a wall soon afterwards. Your head buzzed as you tried to ground yourself, your eyes clenched shut as your pulse frenzied, anxiety quickly beginning to overtake you. 

Upon opening your eyes, you were met with the figures of three men in clown masks, their statures towering over you. You knew this wasn’t going to end well for you, that was one thing Arthur had always worried about - there were too many stories of girls being found dead in alleyways after a mishap walking home. You watched them closely, the middle one of the three holding a knife out towards you, the blade less than a foot from your face. You could hear their deranged laughter, giddy at the sight of you so helpless as your eyes flicked around wildly, like a animal cornered by predators, aware of the fact you were prey. They were like hyenas, stalking the meat they so desperately craved, knowing nobody would bat an eye if you were to turn up dead the next morning, knowing they could easily get away with it with no repercussions in sight.

You let out a muffled scream as one of them clapped a hand over your mouth, the other two making their way towards you, hands already reaching out to strip you of your clothes. You pinched your eyes shut, preparing for what you knew was coming, knowing nobody was around to help, knowing you had nobody who would mourn you. While your eyes were clenched shut you couldn’t help but try to ground yourself from the onslaught of panic, trying to think of happy things - though only one thing came to mind. Arthur. Not a day had gone by that you didn’t miss his company, longed to hear his laugh and feel his arms around you, wished for the way he’d look at you, actually seeing you with unprecedented love and admiration. Artie. 

While your cries were muffled and salty tears poured down your face, you and your attackers had failed to notice a presence approaching the four of you. You jolted as three gunshots rang out, the bangs resonating off the narrow alley walls. Your ears rang due to the close proximity of the gunfire, the touch you had been dreading never coming, instead you could hear bodies falling to the ground with sickening thuds, the hand over your mouth immediately releasing as another thud sounded from beside you. You didn’t dare open your eyes as tears continued to pour down your cheeks, streamlines running down your paled face. 

You jumped lightly as the new intruder gently kicked your foot in order to get you to look at them, upon opening your eyes you were greeted with a white handkerchief. You had yet to look at your protector, grabbing the handkerchief with a choked out thank you. While drying your tears, you were greeted with the familiar scent of cigarette smoke, coming from the person directly in front of you. He wasn’t what you’d pictured he’d look like. He had emerald green hair, a crimson suit which comfortably hugged his body, a green nearly teal button up, and a mustard vest. He stood comfortably, one hand tucked in his pants pocket while the other held a cigarette between his lips, the pale alley light casting an ethereal glow around him.

After a moment of looking away, he turned to face you, a hand going out to help you up. He didn’t say anything in that moment, simply beckoning for you to stand. Due to the dim lighting and the fact your were shrouded in darkness, you were surprised he had hit his targets and not accidentally hit you. You doubted he could see who you were in the darkness, you hand shakily grabbed his as you made your way to stand in front of him. You released his hand the moment you were up, tucking loose strands of hair behind your ear as you tried to compose yourself. “Thank you.” You were frozen the moment you looked up to thank him, your eyes meeting his own.

There's no way this could be real, you could feel rushed panic closing up your throat, your airways denying you air as the realization of who was standing in front of you hit you. You could see the glimmer of recognition cross his eyes, though his face as a whole remained unphased. You always could read him, even if he remained stoic. “A-Arthur?” You could see his eyes shift slightly as if he had something to say but swallowed it, “Go catch your bus.” He murmured it loud enough for you to hear before turning on his heel to leave you behind in the alleyway, the same way you did to him all those years ago - without a second glance. 

You couldn’t stop yourself as you rushed forward to grab his wrist, “W-wait! Please. I just... I need...” He stopped walking, not turning to face you as his body tensed under your touch. You let out a small hum, your mind reeling as you attempted to find the words you so desperately wanted to say. You needed to know that he was happy, that's all you needed to move on with your life. “I-... Please just tell me you’re alright. That you’re happy, that you’ve found someone deserving of you.” A dry laugh escaped his lips at your words. “Everything is absolutely peachy. Haven’t you seen it? The cities burning and I’m a high class criminal.” His sarcasm rang through the air, your eyes bubbling with tears at the familiar feeling of his skin on yours. You lowered your head downwards as emotions and anxiety coursed through your veins, overtaking your mind. “I’m so, so sorry Artie.”

You could feel him tense at the use of the nickname, his tendons bulging in his wrist, his fist subconsciously clenching in response. You could feel the sick feeling of bile rising in your stomach as an onslaught of words poured out of your mouth all at once. “I didn’t want to hurt you, you deserve everything this world has to offer and I couldn’t and can’t offer you that. You need someone who isn't a wreck, someone with a solid job, a nice place, someone who is deserving of your love. That person isn’t me, even if I’d like it to be. I thought it would be best if I just disappeared, gave you the freedom to find the happiness and life you deserve.” 

You were surprised when he whipped around his own chin shaking with emotion, although your weren’t sure if it was sadness, anger, resentment, maybe a combination of the three. His voice came out low at first, gradually raising in volume as his emotions climbed. “You don’t get to be sorry. I’d be happy if it weren’t for what you did, none of this would have happened.” Deep inside him, Arthur knew it wasn’t true but he couldn’t help it as confusing rage bubbled inside him. Never in the 2 years of being with Arthur, did you ever see him angry, he never raised his voice, and even when he was upset he put on a happy face for your sake, never wanting to worry you or hurt you unintentionally.

You could feel yourself breaking down at his words, the tone of his voice successfully slicing through you like the stroke of a hot knife on butter. “I thought I was helping you by cutting you off. I’m not worth your time or affections, I never have been. You deserve so much more than what I can give you Arthur. Believe me when I say I love you more than life itself Arthur but I couldn’t be the one who held you back from finding someone who deserves you.” You looked  up to him, his eyes catching yours as you both remained silent, the tension between you two thick enough to cut through.  You couldn’t say you were surprised when his hand gently shook you off, retreating to his side. You watched closely as his green eyes met yours, and for the first time you couldn’t tell what he was thinking, several emotions flicking across his gaze faster than you could register.

You watched as he raised his hand slowly towards you, his hand hesitating before landing on your cheek. It was strange, you’d seen the photos of this man standing before you, heard small talk of the “Joker”, he had a terrifying reputation among the elite you were surrounded by at the bank. Yet still, this was your Arthur. Sure his appearance changed, he was more bold, but just the way his eyes shone showed that he was in fact the same man you remembered. He still held the soft gaze you were so familiar with, even in his upset state. You didn’t blame him, you could only imagine what your reaction would be if the roles were reversed. You’d be heartbroken, unsure what to do with your life - though you supposed you were heartbroken when you left and didn’t know what you were doing with your life even in the present.

His touch was enough to calm the onslaught of tears that rushed down your face, relaxing as you thought about the care he maintained as his thumb gently brushed away the spare tears. “Is that really why you left?” His eyes bore into you, searching desperately for an answer as his uncertainty came through in his tone. You furrowed your eyebrows as his eyes stayed in contact with yours, confusion flashing through your eyes. “Of course it is, why else would I leave? You were the only positive thing I had going for me, I wouldn’t mindlessly throw something so precious to me to the side.” You watched as the ghost of a smile quirked at the edges of his lips, forming the small smile you’d seen so many times while watching Murray with him late at night.

Without another word his face came down to meet yours, his hand gripping your jaw tightly as his lips melded against yours. Instinctually your eyes closed, your hands coming to rest against his lean chest as he pulled you closer to him. His scent flooded your senses, the smell of cigarettes, cheap cologne, clothing detergent, and a new foreign smell, the faintest scent of gunpowder lingered on his clothing. His lips were perfectly suited to yours as the kissed deepened, this new Arthur being bolder than the one you’d left behind, his tonguing sipping into your mouth as he spread his red greasepaint across you lips.

You pulled away only to catch your breath, your hands not leaving his chest as he opened his eyes slowly, the green of his eyes gleaming in the dim alley lighting. “ Artie I can’t, you have to under-” He cut you off, pressing his finger to your lips. “That's is for me to decide doll, I need you beside me, not anyone else. You are my one and only, if you want me to be happy, then come home.” You looked up at him with confliction in your eyes but you knew your mind was made up the moment you caught a glimpse of Arthur and his adoration for you within his emerald pools. So you spoke 3 simple words, your heart swelling as you took in the beautiful man before you, the man you’d missed for three years, your love and happiness.

“Okay my love.”

[lovinlikeloki]

The Lone Wolf

Masterlist // 01

Warnings: Swearing

Word Count: 2.7k

Orlaith and I get off the bus and start walking down the road.

"Where are ye going?" Orlaith asks me.

"I'm away de Saint Marie's, ye wanny join me?" I tell her.

"Aye, sure why not?"

"I finished a job last night and didn't get de give Eoghan the card," I say, brandishing a gold colored card, "I need to get paid and get me next one."

"Why do you do this?" Orlaith asks, shaking her head at me.

"Eoghan's letting me stay in one of the rooms at Saint M's. I'm earning my keep, besides, the money's good."

"If you say so," she shrugs.

We keep walking and then I pull her sleeve, to show her the alley we need to walk down. We reach the end and I pull off my school blazer, shoving it in my school bag and exchanging it for my green and grey striped hoodie. I push open the door to the old Catholic school, I see that people are already in, clearly people like to start drinking early, well, if 5 in the afternoon is early to you.

I pull Orlaith to the bar and I slam the gold card on the bar, making Eoghan look at me. He takes the card and puts it in the out box, he then lifts a wad of cash and gives it to me. He begins to tell me that someone called for me, someone who called me 'Malen'kaya Volchitsa.' Only two people have ever called me that...and one's... not here anymore, so I know exactly who's after me. And just in case I didn't, the name she left, 'Cáileach,' was a nice hint. The witch is a smart one, I'll tell you that much.

(Little she-wolf) (Witch)

I take the number she left and smirk at the gold card.

"We'll take two cokes Eoghan," I tell him before going to the corner table by the door, my table.

Orlaith follows me to the table and sits across from me, "Why's a witch looking for you?"

"Because after leaving me for two years she's finally reaching out," I reply.

"Okay...and what the fuck does that mean?"

"What it means is that I'm gonny be leaving for a bit. My sister needs me, and I can't leave her hanging, 'sides, I owe her."

"You have a sister? Since when?" my confused friend asks.

"Not by blood, not by law she's... emotionally? my sister. Yeah, let's go with that. Basically when I went missing two years ago she was there, we bonded, and she saved me. That's all you need to know," I finish.

Eoghan brings us our drinks and we thank him, I hand him back a tenner, he tells me that he'll be behind the bar if I need him and that we'll talk about this job later.

Orlaith and I stay at the table for a bit while we finish our drinks, talking about our day and how much we hate our math teacher. Then Orlaith gets a text from her mam saying that she needs to head home to do homework and have some family time, whatever that is. I wouldn't know, it's been a while since I was at 'home'. It doesn't matter though, this, Saint Marie's the mercenary job fair of a bar, this is my home now.

When Orlaith leaves I head up to the bar and sit on a stool. I look up at the dead pool to see who's been picked this week, the dead pool is fun for me because as a minor I'm not allowed to get picked, I can just sit and watch the chaos. Only downside is that I can't pick anyone, so... I mean it's a two-way street, so I guess that's fair.

"So, what's this witch after?" Eoghan questions.

"Not sure," I reply honestly, "But whatever it is, it must be important. We haven't spoken in two years, and last time we spoke, he was still alive."

"Him as in-" Eoghan begins.

"Yes, he as in my grá cáilte. She didn't even call me then, so whatever this is has de be big. It better be, or I might just hang up."

(Lost love)

"You won't. The stories you've told me- you wouldn't leave her. If you did you'd hate yourself. You can't bring do stóirín back, he's gone, but you can still help her."

(Your darling)

"You're right, it just breaks my heart, I had to find out they escaped from rumors and stories, but I found out that he died by watching it, live on tv. We had so much potential, he had so much potential, but now I'll never know. Glac siad a anam ró-ghasta."

(They took his soul too soon)

"You're right. But now she needs you. So go find out what the witch wants, and try your damndest to deliver," he says.

"I will," I say, smiling at him sadly, "Thanks, E."

"Not a bother," he assures me, smirking, "Mactíre."

(Wolf)

° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °

I dial the number, she picks up after a single ring.

"Wanda, it's been a while," I say, trying to stay happy even though I know hearing her voice again will probably bring tears.

"Fianna, it has," she says, and I inhale sharply. No tears, not now, not yet at least.

"So, what do you need me for so urgently?" I begin to cut the shit.

"I need help. I need a friend, I need a soldier. Are you available for some last-minute travelling?" she says hesitantly. Clearly I'm a last resort, a "break glass in case of emergency" type help.

"Of course, when and where?" I ask.

"I need you to get to Leipzig-Altenburg Airport asap. We'll get you where you need to be from there," Wanda explains.

"Yeah, uh, when exactly do you mean by asap?"

"I mean, like literally buy a last-minute flight and get on it, within the next two hours. It'll be a two-hour flight, I'll pick you up and we'll get where we need to go."

"Alright, fine. I just need to know, what I'm up against. You said you needed a soldier? I need to know what I'm fighting for before starting a war."

"This is... the fight of a lifetime. You'll be fighting for truth and... safety. Who you'll be up against? Some of my closest friends and some of the deadliest assassins in the last thirty years. Now are you in or are you out? I don't blame you if you're out, but it would really help."

Wanda sounds... more than desperate, she's hopeless, she needs me, more than she ever has. I've fought many's a fierce foe in my time, but Avengers? Deadly assassins? That's usually more than a smidge above my paygrade. But she needs me, she's calling in her last favor, she clearly thinks I'm up for it. I hesitate for a second, weighing my options before making a life-changing decision.

"I'm in. I'll be there in four hours, max," and with that I hang up.

Guess I'm going to Germany.

I walk back into the bar and go through the side door that brings me to the lodging. I go to my room at sit on my bed. I'm leaving. I begin to pack my shit, I pull my kitbag out from under my bed and begin filling it with clothes. Leggings, t-shirts, hoodies, leather jackets, everything I might need. I pack all the essentials and then begin to think of how I'll smuggle my brass knuckles through security. I lift my mattress and take out a couple hundred pounds in cash, shove it in my wallet and keep packing.

When I'm all packed I begin to forge a note from my 'mother' for the school so that I can get time off without them calling up people who haven't seen me in over a year and a half. I make a simple excuse of appendicitis, was rushed to hospital late tonight blah blah, they won't really care, the school year's nearly over. I just need something for show so that I don't get called out.

I text Orlaith, letting her know I'm being called out of the country. She questions me at first, but when I explain that Wanda needs me, and I can't let her down she lets me be. She says she'll drop in and pick up the note tomorrow morning before getting on the 212 to Coláiste Feirste.

(Belfast College {It's an Irish speaking high school})

Now I've just got to talk to Eoghan. I tell him to come to the lodging hall, behind the bar. He serves the last couple of drinks that were ordered and joins me in the back.

"I have de go de Germany," I tell him, "It seems above my paygrade, but she needs me and I gotta be there for her."

"Okay... do ye have enough for the flight?" he simply asks.

"Aye, I've got all I need, me kitbag's packed an' everythin'."

"Ye said above yer paygrade. What'd ye mean by that?"

"I'm not just fighting with Wanda's friends. I'm also fighting against a couple o' them."

"What? Naw- What the fuck Fianna!"

"Look, she needs me, Eoghan, I can't just leave her."

"You're not fighting them assholes."

"Yeah, I am, Eoghan."

"Naw you're not."

"You can't stop me. I tol' her I'm in, and I'm going," I say, standing up and throwing the strap of my kitbag over my shoulder.

"Fianna, ye can't just leave to fight those dickheads," he stands up.

"I'm away," I say firmly, walking out the door.

"Get your arse back here, now!"

"You're not my da, Eoghan. You can't make me stay."

"I might not be your da, but I'm the closest thing to a father you've had these past years. You better treat me with a bit more respect."

"Maybe," I shrug, "But I'll stick with this for now," I say, throwing up my middle finger before leaving the bar. The taxi I called beforehand pulled up and I got in.

"The airport," I tell the driver.

"Right," is the simple reply he gives me.

I get a text when we're about halfway to the airport.

I click my phone off and look out the window at the familiar city I've grown up in. All my life except a year was spent here. When I wasn't here I was with the twins, me becoming who I am, them becoming who they are... or were, and then I left them. Not by choice. Not on purpose. But I still left them.

But now I've got Wanda back, and while I don't know how long I'll be with her for, it will be good to see her. If only I could've seen him one last time before I left, spoke to him one last time, made sure nothing was left unsaid. Instead I'm here, he's gone, and I'll never know how things could've gone if perhaps I never left.

The driver stops at the airport entrance and lets me out, I pay him the fare and he takes it with a smile. I grab my bag, close the door, and go into the airport. I go to the desk and ask if there are any last-minute tickets to Leipzig-Altenburg I could get on. While there was a seat I could take, it cost a little more than a pretty penny. Luckily I had enough to buy it and went through security immediately. I opted for a pat-down rather than the metal detector and thanks to my damn good hiding spots the woman didn't find my brass knuckles.

I wait for the half hour before my flight and board along with the others. I get to my seat and sigh. A two-hour flight isn't long, it's just boring to sit through, no one to talk to and not long enough to sleep through. I just sit there messing on my phone for a bit, making faces at the baby looking through the gap between the chairs a couple rows in front of me.

When the plane finally lands I prepare myself. This is it. I have to fight Avengers. I have to fight deadly psycho assassins. But first. I have to see Wanda. For the first time in two years. For the first time since he died.

° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ ° ∆ -------- ••• ------- ∆ °

When I leave the airport I scan my surroundings and all the cars parked there. I stop when I come across a van that could be owned by no other, a white panel van with what I'd consider an iconic license plate: L: T34MC4P, I know that it's gotta be my ride. I go to the passenger side and knock on the window, the door opens, and I'm promptly enveloped in a hug.

"Someone order a conriocht?" I sat into my sister's shoulder.

(Werewolf)

She laughs and hugs me tighter, "I did, you little volk."

(Wolf)

I look at her with tears in my eyes, smiling sadly. She looks back at me with a similar expression and we just stay there in the embrace for a moment.

"Okay," I say, finally pulling away and wiping my tears away, "So who's ass do I have to kick?"

She laughs, wiping away her own tears, "No one's just yet. We gotta get there first, so get in the back."

"Back of a van?" I quirk an eyebrow, "Are there seats of does this look like a kidnapping?"

"There are seats, but they're laid down. Scott is sleeping on them, and I thought you'd want to stretch before we get there, human or not."

"That's fair, but the second I shift I'm gonna be stuck with Lu, you know that."

"I can get her to ease up, but you're stuck with her, you have to learn how to get along with her, okay?"

"Yes mom," I mock, "I'll see you on the other side."

I salute her before opening the back door, seeing a middle-aged man sleeping on the seats. Must be Scott. I climb behind the seats and lay down, shifting to the Mactíre, and as expected I hear Lu.

Lu is like a voice in my head, she's the canine and lupine instincts that got transferred during the experiments. She talks to me, mostly degrades me for my logic and emotions, planning things out rather than acting on instinct and figuring it out on the fly.

"So, she returns," Lu mocks.

"Yes, I've returned. Wanda needs help, she needs me, needs us to work together," I reply.

"Wanda? Wanda needs us?"

"Yes. And we're gonna work together. Right?"

"Yes. Of course. Anything for Wanda."

"Good. Now we're gonna be driving for a bit, so what do you suggest we do?"

"Sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep builds energy."

"Okay Lu, we'll sleep. But when we're fighting I need to take control, okay? I need to be able to focus."

"Okay Fi, you take control."

"Thank you."

And with that I begin to drift out of consciousness.

[mentalillnessmouse]

(p1) Hi, I'm writing because I feel there is no hope for me. I'm 30, I live at home where I get verbally mistreated (it was physical when I was younger.) I'm morbidly obese, agoraphobic, I literally didn't leave the house for a 2 year period and still rarely do. I have 0 friends and never had any except a few online ones who ditched me years ago. I was bullied constantly. I have self-harm marks all over my arms. I've NEVER had a job, or finished high school. I still almost never leave the house.

(p2) I’ve asked for help to learn to drive, but they tell me I can’t. I guess because they call me autistic and tell me I am not very smart and make jokes about me having ADHD. I took those comments seriously and they told me I was “looking for problems.” WHAT? I made the mistake of speaking with a few psychiatrists about it who shut me down because, in their words, I didn’t “look” like I had those issues. And that my parents had hard jobs so it made sense they would lash out at me. 

(p3) I deal with other issues too like menorrhagia. A doctor had me do an ultrasound (this was like my 3rd one since ‘06) and sent me to a specialist because they saw something. The specialist said she didn’t think anything was there and wasn’t going to actually examine me. I gave up. I’m afraid to speak up for myself, I genuinely don’t understand how to live, make friends, talk to people. I feel like I just have TOO MANY issues. And at my age I don’t see why anyone would bother with me anymore.

(p4) I have an appt with a psych at the same place as the others because I have my city’s free insurance and nowhere else to go. I don’t know if I can do it again after this? I just wanted somewhere to reach out at least one more time :( I’ve reached out to others (like extended family) who will talk to me for a bit then ignore? I can’t help but to feel damaged or like I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure out. I feel like a weak loser and I didn’t try good enough.I’m sorry this is so long

Hello Anon, 

I’m mod Bee and I’ll do my best to help you out, but I received help myself from the other mods to write you back. So this is a communal effort!

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m sorry you’re going though such a difficult and distressing situation. You sound strong and tenacious, and I’m proud of you for the way you keep trying to improve your life. 

We have some suggestions that we hope can be of help. They’ll concerne:

finding online communities/groups to hang out with

finding a professional that suits your needs 

looking for courses you can join 

thinking about possible job options 

Just an head up: this is going to be long, and it will contain tons of links. I’ll highlight one - that I think it’s most useful - for each section, but I suggest you to go through them all. 

1. finding online communities/groups to hang out with

Having friends is important for our mental health, but it can get difficult to make new ones, especially when we’ve been burned before.  

Online communities, forums, and groups, can be good places to start looking for friends again. You can approach them with as much caution as you need, and find those people you relate with the most.

If you like games, and rpgs in particular, there are online options that allow you to connect with other others all over the world. Activities like Dungeon&Dragons are based around players’ interactions, so you’d get to know people without putting the stress on forging new friendships. The article 10 Best Online Chat Rooms & Games suggests other equally fitting games. 

Forums and groups where you can share your experience and fears are another important tool you can use. I’ve looked into active ones and found Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia Forum, r/Agoraphobia/ (on reddit), bus (a self-harm support forum), Mental health support group and discussion community, Online Support Groups by Turn2Me, PsychForums (Psychology and Mental Health Forums), and the ReachOut app.

Trying with pen pals - a one on one exchange - could also be a good idea: InterPals and PenPalWorld are only two of the many websites dedicated to this purpose. Here’s some tips on how it works.

Finally, there are apps with the specific purpose of finding new friends, like Bumble BFF. Try to see if you there’s one of your liking in this list.

2. finding a professional that suits your needs

We usually recommend what it’s colloquially called “psychiatrist/therapist shopping”, the act of choosing a professional after inquiring what we need to know of their line of work, based on our own wishes, and asking this to more than one.

It’s difficult when insurance covers just a little portion of professionals, but not impossible. 

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Therapy For Every Budget: How To Access It

9 Ways to Get Free or Cheap Therapy When You Don’t Have Health Insurance

Dial 211 for Essential Community Services: if you call 211, you can ask about free therapy options in your area, or how to work with you insurance to afford other professionals.

If none of these options work out, and you have to stick with the professional your insurance provides, there are measures you can take that might help making the sessions successful. Check out 21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session and How to Talk to Your Doctors When They Don’t Listen. 

If your new psychiatrist tries to dismiss you without hearing everything that you have to say, insist that they write on your record exactly what they did and why, and that you absolutely want a copy of it before you exit their room. It’s your right to have both your requests accomplished. I know it’s not easy to have them respected: you’ll probably have to stand your ground and that can be difficult, but I think it’s important for you and fundamental for what you can get out of this session. This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself, which I suggest you to start before going to your appointment, if you can. It can be useful to face your family, too.

Does your insurance cover a different specialist for the gynecological problem your doctor wanted you to check out? Is there any free or low-cost clinic near you, like Planned Parenthood or Free Clinic? You can inquire about their services through email.

3. looking for courses you can join

Online courses can be helpful for a number of things, like keeping busy, learning new stuff, feeling accomplished, and possibly getting some qualifications. 

There are some free options that end with a proper certificate, but not all are accredited, meaning that they’re not automatically accepted by employers (they can choose to consider them valid or not). Still, there are no downsides in joining such a course, seeing that it doesn’t cost anything but your time.

Not accredited certificates/no certificates:

Alison’s Diploma Courses and Certificate Courses 

FutureLearn doesn’t grant you certificates with their free courses, but it still provides learning access

edX’s Courses

Udemi, not free but it offers up to 90% discounts generally once a month

Learn how to code, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn coding

Free Online Language Courses, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn languages  

24 Invaluable Skills To Learn For Free

Accredited certificates

coursera offers some free courses, and/or the possibility to apply for financial aid

Online Degree require no tuition, no applications, and no interviews, and has worked so participating Universities around the country will consider the courses for credit, potentially finishing up to an entire freshman year of college

edX’s Professional Certificate Programs are not free, but edX offers up to a 90% discount to those who prove they cannot pay a full price.

University Of The People is tuition-free, which means there is no charge for teaching or instruction, only initial fees (around 160$) for each course. You can also apply for scholarships.

on StudyPortal - Scholarships, you can find a huge number of scholarships available in your country, and here you can find the easiest scholarships to apply to. There are also scholarships for online courses.

There’s also the possibility of completing high school through virtual courses, and if they’re organized by your State’s public school system, they should be free. You can find more info on this here. 

4. thinking about possible job options

Working towards finding a job is important for our own self-worth and feeling like a valuable member of society, and of course it can also help with looking for better therapy. 

It can be tricky when mental and physical illnesses are at play, though. That’s why I’d like to give you some online options here, too, that don’t ask for any particular prerequisite, and would give you enough free time to focus to get better. Jobs like data entry or app testing are doable from home, and may not pay much, but they’d allow you to start building some savings. 

5 Online Jobs That Require Little or No Experience

No Experience? Start One of These Online Jobs

Best Data Entry Jobs From Home

10 (Legit) Data Entry Jobs from Home

Work At Home Data Entry on Indeed.com

FlexJobs

Glassdoor

Whatever you choose, creating a strong resume is always a good step. I’m giving you some resources on how to do that:

How to Create a Professional Resume

How To Make A Resume 101

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

And between checking out all these options we gave you, please try to do some of this Workout For Daily Life, because focusing on a screen for too long can cause so many aches!

You’re not a loser, you’re strong and you keep fighting for yourself, which is admirable. I hope these resources can be of help, and please do send another ask if you need anything else.

Take care,

mod Bee

[missmentelle]

I feel really stuck. I'm trying to move fowards but something always comes up. I still live with my family and I have no privacy and have to explain where I’m going and what I'm doing all the time. I really want to get back at uni and I’m trying but that means no time to get a job and won’t be able to move. I can’t stand the city anymore, i can’t stand being so useless. I feel like I haven’t lived at all, i’ve never been in a relationship, haven’t travelled, how do i take control of my life?

It’s tough to make a step-by-step guide or action plan for getting your life together when I don’t really have a ton of information about your goals or financial situation, but I will give it my best shot:

Go easy on yourself. While there are some people out there in this world who manage to be world-travelling Instagram stars, planning their dream weddings and moving up in their glamorous careers at age 25, those people are very few and far between. Many of them come from incredibly privileged backgrounds or have the types of parental support that most of us can only dream of. Being unworldly, directionless and living at home with your parents is the normal 20-something experience. What you’re going through is common. You feel like you haven’t lived yet because your life has barely begun; you haven’t fallen behind, you and your peers are still on the starting line. You have a lot of time ahead of you, and it’s important to be kind to yourself, and to be realistic about the progress you’ll make. You aren’t going to go from being broke in your childhood bedroom to being a high-flying career person with a spouse and a ritzy apartment overnight. Be gentle, and don’t beat yourself up for being young and inexperienced - you have a long journey ahead of you, and you’ll need to save your emotional strength to make it through.

Focus on finishing university. At this point in your life, I think your top priority needs to be finishing your degree as quickly as possible, even if it requires some short term sacrifices. I know that your living situation is irritating and that you are tired of not having privacy, but if you can tolerate your parents and your city for a little while longer and keep going to school while living at home, you’re potentially setting yourself up for a huge advantage in life by completing your degree with minimal debt. The problem with putting off university to get a job and move out is that once you’ve taken on financial responsibilities like rent and bills, it will be a lot more difficult to find the time, resources and motivation to go back to being a student, and your options will be limited for moving into a higher paying job. It’s very easy to get yourself stuck in a vicious cycle of living paycheque-to-paycheque in a low wage job, and not being able to improve your situation because you can’t afford to quit your job and go back to school - my high school friends are in their mid-to-late 20s now, and many of them are now stuck in retail or service industry jobs because it’s difficult for them to give up their source of income and return to school, especially now that some of them have kids or partners. A degree is not a guarantee of a good job, but it’s certainly a mandatory minimum requirement for most opportunities now, and it opens up possibilities like grad school or law school; the sooner you get it out of the way, the sooner you can start building a career, gaining independence and saving up money for travel. University is also a valuable social resource - by getting involved on campus, you can start making meaningful friendships, meeting potential partners, and building useful connections. 

Try new things. One of the keys to living an interesting life and gaining valuable experiences is to actively try new things. It’s hard to gain life experiences by doing the same things over and over again. Challenge yourself to do at least one new thing per month. You don’t necessarily have to like it - you just have to try it. Sign up to volunteer somewhere new. Take a zumba class. Sign up for a new dating app. Write a short story. Change your hair. Start a blog. Go to a restaurant you’ve never been to. Join a local D&D group. You might be surprised by what you end up liking. I ended up in my current career because I took a psych elective to fulfill the social science requirement of my computer science program - sometimes trying something new can lead you down a whole new path you never imagined. It’s also a great way to meet new people that you might never otherwise have met.  If you’re feeling like your life is in a rut, new experiences are a great and easy way to un-rut yourself. 

Have side projects and goals. It’s easy to feel like your life isn’t going anywhere when you don’t have any way to measure your progress. Even while you’re stuck living at your parents’ house, there are ways to keep moving forward with your life. Always have a project or hobby or goal in your life that you can work on. The possibilities are pretty much endless - you could work on your physical fitness, an artistic project, knitting, improving your cooking, journalling, photography, restoring furniture, learning a language, playing an instrument, etc. Anything that captures your attention. Set small, manageable goals and track your progress. Feeling like you are improving in one area of your life can go a long way to calming your jitters when you are feeling stuck in other areas of your life. 

Don’t rush into a relationship or “settle”. It’s hard to predict where or when you’ll get into your first relationship - you might meet your first partner next week or five years from now. Some people meet the love of their life on Tinder within weeks of signing up, some people use dating apps for months without success. All you can really do is put yourself out there, keep working on yourself as a person, and see what happens. The one thing I will advise, though, is that you be cautious of settling for the first person who comes along. If you’ve never been in a relationship and you really want to be in one, it can be tempting to rush headfirst into a relationship with the first promising person you meet - especially if you’ve had to watch your other friends be in long-term relationships for a while now. If you meet someone who seems great, it can be easy to get very serious, very fast, and rush straight to “let’s move in together”, especially when you are already looking for a way to get out of your family’s house. Don’t rush. It’s okay to be disappointed that you haven’t had a relationship yet, but remember that a relationship should be something you get into because you truly want to be with the other person, and not just because you want to check “dating” off your list of adult milestones. If you meet someone, that’s fantastic, but remember that it’s okay to take things slow - if this is really the person for you, they will still be there six months or a year or two years from now. Getting too serious with someone too quickly can mean missing some glaring red flags, and tying yourself financially to someone you haven’t been dating very long can be a recipe for unwanted stress.

Remember that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s easy to blame your problems on the city you live in. The world is full of people saying that everything would be better if they could just get out of this town. Thousands of people dream about moving to NYC, and there are thousands of people walking around NYC who dream of getting the fuck out of here. No matter where you live, there is someone who dreams of moving there, and no matter where you want to go, there is someone there who is desperate to leave. No place is perfect - every place has its perks and its downsides (for instance, NYC has lots of things to do, but every square inch of this place smells like stale urine and hot dog water). Unless you are making a drastic change in setting - like from rural to urban, or from one country to another - you’re going to find that most places have very similar problems; high rents, rising cost of living, too much competition for jobs, bad dating scenes, overcrowded public transit, crumbling infrastructure, etc, etc. There might be legitimate reasons to want to leave your current location - you live in a dying small town, the climate where you live is affecting your health, you want to work in an industry that only exists in a specific location - but it’s important to keep in mind that location isn’t everything, and you can still make progress in your life while living somewhere that you don’t necessarily love or want to stay in. 

I can relate a lot to what you’re going through - while most of my friends moved out on their own right after high school and started what I thought were glamorous adult lives, I lived at home with my incredibly overbearing parents for four years and took the bus back and forth to a sensible, commuter campus university in a city that I didn’t like. I had friends and I did my best to make the most of my time in college, but part of me felt like I was being denied the formative experiences that other people were having - moving in with their partners, getting an off-campus apartment with roommates, partying all night and not having to answer to their parents, and so on. After graduating, though, I was able to find a full-time job in my field earning more than double the minimum wage, and I moved into an apartment with my best-friend-turned-boyfriend. The money I had saved by living at home during university allowed me to go after my dreams of attending grad school in NYC, and that decision led me to all kind of experiences I never expected to have and friends I never expected to meet. At 26, my life isn’t perfect, but it’s definitely well beyond what I expected when I was a frustrated 21-year-old commuting to school and having my mother constantly ask when I’d be home. Change takes time, and your 20s are tough. Have patience, and keep doing the best you can.

Best of luck to you!

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, so I’m sitting in our hotel room in Orlando, it’s 12:25 am so I should probably get to bed soon since we have a con in the morning but first I gotta tell you about today because it was WILD. First order of business that I’ll spoil here, I basically got a job????? So that’s super cool haha but I’ll go back and recount this all for you. I woke up at 8 am and got ready for my 10 am interview, made sure my make up and everything was perfect and had a quick breakfast before heading around at like 9:15. I ubered up to Evanston and ended up getting there around 9:35, so I had a little time to kill so I ended up going to the target across the street to get travel sized deodorant for Jess because she couldn’t find hers, and the one ingredient I needed for my dinner on Monday, which happened to be dry ranch dressing mix lol. So once I got those I headed over to the office. The lobby was kind of dingy looking, the lights were flickering a bit, but once I got to the actual office it was nice. I waited for a few minutes before being called back to the guy’s office because apparently the conference room was having heating issues lol. So we talked about previous experience and what I knew about the process of appeals for disability and I took poverty law so I had a fairly good idea of what the process was and I had read the case he sent me so I knew stuff from that. And we talked about my writing samples since the entire job was writing, and then I asked questions about the firm and shit and once we had that all figured out he was basically like “alright, well I’m gonna have you write us a brief and if it looks good then the job is yours” and went on to explain he wasn’t looking for it to be perfect on the first try and basically as long as it’s not terrible I’m good, then proceeded to introduce me to everyone in the office, so I’m taking that as a good sign. One cool part of it is since it’s technically a contract attorney job I don’t actually have to come into the office and can set my own hours and everything which is super convenient being that I’m always going to cons and shit. The one downside for me is that there’s no court, but like, I’m only concerned about the impact that would have on my resume, I don’t feel like I need to develop court skills, I can handle court just fine as is. So that was pretty great. Once we finished up they said they’d email me all the info to look over and once I had a good idea of that they’d send me the case and wanted to make sure I was communicating with them about everything and asking questions, and that was it.

I ubered pooled home to save some money, and started on my goal of the day for laundry and cleaning, I definitely had enough clothes to do 3 loads of laundry but I only had enough quarters for two and didn’t feel like running out for more so I just stuck the rest of the clothes back in the hamper for next time, so I was running around and doing that while in between cleaning the kitchen and doing the dishes, taking the trash and recyclables (amazon boxes lol) out, then of course packing for the trip once the laundry was done. Around 4:20 I headed to the bus, which I took to Jess’ job to meet her and head to the airport from there. We were possibly gonna be in a bit of a time crunch because we weren’t sure if she could get off until like 5:30 and it was a 7 pm flight with a solid half hour ride to the airport, but thankfully she got off at 5 so we were good time wise. Hit a little traffic on the way but still got there by like 6, made our way through security and stopped to grab food, and made it to the gate just as our group was boarding. Got on the airplane, everything went fine taking off and all.

Once we were in the air I tried to eat the sandwich I’d grabbed which was like an Italian sub, which usually just has pepperoni as anything “spicy” so I just figured I could take that off and be fine. WELL. That was not the case. I took one bite and it was like OH HOLY SHIT I’m actually in pain and like I should’ve just spit it out because swallowing it was so painful and my mouth was burning for like 15 minutes afterwards, and like it’s still sensitive now when I’m trying to eat Chex mix and it gets too salty. So that was a massive fail. Anyway, I moved on to start reading the cases I had been sent and did that for most of the rest of the flight, I have to time myself for hours and such so I ended up logging 1.5 hours which is pretty good.

Landing was slightly bumpy (Jess was unhappy about this) but we ended up being fine, it was like 10:30 so once we got inside the airport basically everything was closed save one Hudson news shop, so we grabbed some snacks from there before heading to ground transportation and grabbing an Uber to our hotel. The hotel is like 8 miles from the airport and like 2 miles from the con center so it’s a pretty good location. We got all checked in and given our keys and headed up to the room. The way the hotel is set up makes me think it used to be like a cheap motel that someone bought and tried to transform into a nicer one, like the amenities in the room are all very classy hotel but like it has the outdoor hallways generally associated with motels and the bathroom set up with the toilet and shower separated from the mirror and sink which is normally a motel thing lol. But it’s nice and didn’t cost a fortune so that’s what matters. Got to our room and ate our snacks for a little, then I took my pills and jumped in the shower, then started writing this and now I’m here. Got the alarm set for 8:15 to make it to breakfast by 9 to hopefully get to the con by 10, and it’s like 12:52 am now so I should definitely be getting to sleep. Hopefully the con will be a lot of fun. Goodnight friends. Happy weekend.

[thereluctanttravellerblog-blog]

Iceland

The Trip

Melbourne to Laugarvatn, Iceland

After a mentally demanding 28 hour trip that included stop overs in Singapore and Helsinki, mid-air diarrhoea, and a number of bad thoughts (eight) about how I could die in transit, I finally arrived in Reykjavik, Iceland, feeling exhausted but decidedly lighter.

Melbourne to Reykjavik is second only to the NZ ----> Iceland jaunt as far as the furthest flight distance a person can sign up to, so I’m pleased I didn’t become aware of that until after I’d participated. My journey was not yet complete though as I still had a 45 minute bus ride and one hour taxi to negotiate.

As my coach pulls into the BSI bus terminal I begin to wonder whether I will ever return home. Not because this country had already exceeded expectations, but due to my resistance of traversing the globe the same distance again. It may just be easier to live out my next estimated 47.5 years here. NOTE: the life expectancy of a white Australian male is 82.5, just 0.06 less than an Icelandic male at 83.1 (thirteenth and sixth in the world for life expectancy).

At the BSI bus station I swap to a taxi and it dawns on me that I should next take a bicycle, then unicycle, to complete this Babushka doll of transportation. 

Aeroplane > Bus > Taxi > Bike > Unicycle > Rollerblades > Roller Skates > 

NOT PICTURED: Those Shoes with a Solitary Wheel in them.

Already feeling rattled, the combined cost of bus and cab was in excess of 25,000 of the local Monopoly money (Icelandic Krona), so with no other option, I willingly hand over 25K and look forward to putting that into my google currency converter. As the taxi passes a famous Gamer of Thrones filming location, I am busy scouring one of my few remaining 5,000 notes for the Milton Bradley symbol but NO DICE (pun alert). Ah well, for the first time ever I was “making it rain” rap artist style.

That segues perfectly into the Iceland climate. It is a welcome surprise that there’s no precipitation in the air, as my questionable iPhone weather app had suggested. I’d expected colder and drearier but it must’ve been 15 or 16c.

The aesthetic of the country is not what I’d imagined (based entirely on that Ben Stiller movie shot here The Secret Life of Walter Mitty). The landscape is rockier and greyer than expected, despite the morning sun.

The taxi driver is a good Icelandic lad. He speaks fluent English, as most of the locals do, and this causes me to wonder why the closest thing to being bi-lingual for me, and most Australian’s, is the ability to say Selamat Pagi.

By 10:00am I had arrived at my final destination, Laugarvatn, 100kms east of Reykjavik and some 16,850kms from my house.

Laugarvatn is a nice village of 300 permanent residents. About the same number of people I rub shoulders with on the 109 tram of a morning. So far the people of this township have a better standard of dental hygiene than the hoards I commute with. There’s one grocery store, two pools and three restaurants.

The weather has continued to exceeded expectations and topped 18 degrees yesterday and sunny... FOR PRETTY MUCH THE FULL 24 hours per day. I’ve learned that the upside to the sun barely setting in Summer is that is you can hang your washing on the line overnight to good effect. The downside is the term overnight ceases to exist. 

Night as a concept has dissolved for me, and bedtime is simply a matter of when I choose to rest my head. Resting your head is not a proxy for the word sleep, it is purely the act of taking the weight of your bonce from your neck for a time, whilst you lay down. The broad daylight means there will be, of course, no slumber.

It is now 8:00am and I’ve been awake for two days, so I must bid you goodnight bye for now.

[chubbychummy]

Positive Week

This past week, I have spent only 2 out of 5 work days in the lab. I have otherwise been at some course in centre city (it’s about an hour away).This has been a good change of pace for me and tbh it just kind of pushes back the work I need to be doing but I think it is a much needed break.

Also a good chance for me to socialise — as I live outside of city centre, it is usually a lot of time/effort for me to get into the city. I have to plan for it. But spending all day here for the course, I was able to do things I would not have otherwise been able to doTuesday afternoon during the lunch break, I ran all over the city going to pharmacies trying to find T which apparently ran out of stock in all of France. I didn’t get all that I needed but it was enough so that was awesome. I won’t have to worry about that again til May.

Thursday, I had the chance to use my lunch break to change my transportation plan from monthly unlimited to what I should have had to begin with: pay as you go. I seldom use public transport since I usually just use my bike. I would have saved about 20€ a month which is nothing to shy from. But I won’t look at sunk costs I spent hat I could have saved. Just nice knowing that starting in May I will start saving money from this change ^^ I should have changed it many months ago (like a full year ago), but again, life came up and it’s hard to juggle everything I have going on. I’m just happy that in the future, I will not be spending unnecessary money on this

Tuesday evening I met up with Delphine. We just sat around and chatted for a bit - it was really low key. She was catsitting for a few days and I got to hang out with a super adorable and nice black longhair kitty (named Negro lmaoooo so they just call him bébéchat) Anyhow it was super super low key but it always just puts me in a good mood to see her. Later that night I went to the bar to a regular meetup type deal and chatted with some new folks I have not met before. Also relatively low key but it was just nice. ^^ Wednesday was a very inefficient day hahahh. (Monday was super super efficient- I worked essentially nonstop from 9am-7pm barely stopping for food. But I was on a good roll. Wednesday was not so efficient hahahh. But that’s okay.) crashed Wednesday night at 8:30pm and had a first long sleep in a week, which was good and my body needed it.Thursday back to the course — but it was a new course! Actually by the same instructor! I had not originally signed up for it but wanted to attend. And she said that she was looking for more students so I was welcome! Which was cool! Upside: I get to complete this course and add like 18h more to my training repertoire, it is in English so it’s easy for me, I am already familiar with the instructor, etc. downside: I still have some administrative stuff I need to sort out in centre city but I literally don’t have the time unless I take a vacation day to get it done, but I feel like I have too much work rn to try to take any day off in the next two weeks. This is my visa and residence permit thing. I needed to have done this two weeks ago hah. But anyhow. It was good that I got in this course - and how!

So there were two girls in this course also, one of whom talked to me (she’s very very talkative) and it was awesome! which is not very typical of a French person, but she did and it was awesome. (She is also fluent in German!)Anyhow the course was very cool and frankly I just felt good about the interactions. ÚwÙ Thursday evening, I had the second to last operation for my tooth surgery shitPutting in the anchor — it was back close to where I live which is 1hr away. So I hopped back on the tram then bus and made it there, got it done (it was fast!!) and it was only 19h20. There was some thing I had in my google calendar in centre city I thought I couldn’t go to cuz of the dentist thing but it was at 19h30, and honestly knowing French people, people always arrive fashionably late. So if I hopped right back on a bus/Tram from the dentist, I could get back to centre city by ~8pm so I did just that

The thing in my google calendar was at the Maison de Chercheurs, but my lab was having an outing elsewhere. So I figured okay, i would go to the one with the people from my lab. Tbh it wasn’t super great for me but also I’m still super glad I went cuz at least it completely eliminated FOMO, and honestly almost everyone was there. Like 20+ people. I hardly talked to anyone, but I was present. I did chat a little bit and the little I talked was fun. I think it was rly good I was there too cuz also I talked with the Portuguese intern who was there (she doesn’t speak French, so it was tough for her. There is only one other non francophone and he is Italian but Luca was there as well.) so she was rly alone and I’m glad I was there at least to chat with her occasionally. Anyhow it was good even if it wasn’t gr8, but I’m still very very glad I went(  Plus since I had been working so much on my own this whole week - and last - I had hardly had time to see folks in the lab)  So then Friday. Was tired waking up having only slept some 5 hours, but what was off to a tired start turned into a really good day.I didn’t pay too too much attention in the course today (had trouble focusing bc tired hah) but then around lunchtime, he girl who sat next to me yesterday (and her friend with whom she works — same cohort) invited me to lunch with them For some reason my student restaurant card doesn’t work here in centre city, so I couldn’t really pay the food things here (I was ready to pay a more expensive price with my bank card or cash but I don’t think they accept either), but one of the girls covered me. Albeit it’s only like €3, but still. (Whereas I think it’d be like 6€ idk)So I had lunch with them - chicken, fries, a dessert, and appetizer ! Good shit! And had a chance to talk to them about some stuff too so that was cool. It’s just rly nice talking with folks and meeting/getting to know new people.

Was late coming back (got scolded by the instructor), but it’s also okay. We worked on an activity where we essentially pretended to be journalists and interviewed one another about our thesis projects and I sat next to and worked with/interviewed this new girl who spoke a very fluent English! And !!!!!!! It was amazing ??????Idk you know when you instantly just click with someone And then like when that happens you kind of ?? Keep clicking ????Like repeatedly as the interaction continues, you just kind of keep clicking multiple times and it never seems to rly stop and you’re just like ??? God??? I rly get you?????? It was like that with her and it was too coolLike someone else in the class actually called out my name to tell me to lower my voice cuz I didn’t realise I was speaking too loudly — I was just ??? Really excited and enthusiastic???!?Anyhow it was just rly awesome and I was like “actually can I get your contact info later bc I would really love to talk”And we kind of had a chance in this mock interview to give each other mini professional life stories (like life stories but only what is pertinent to our professional work track I guess) and idk it was rly coolSo anyhow at the very end of the course I was getting ready to ask her to exchange contact info but she asked me firstLike literally as I was opening my mouth to ask, she was like “actually if you don’t mind—“ and I thought it would have to wait but then she straight up asked me for my contactsAnd so we sort of excitedly parted waysI considered going to the administrative building afterward (closes at 16h30 — it was 16h45 already by now) to see if I might catch someone ask they’re leaving, but also it takes like ten minutes to walk there so I decided against it in the endI was heading back to the classroom building figuring I could just spend 1.5-2hours chilling on discord or twitter while changing my phone and waiting until 18:30 cuz I told someone I’d get a drink with him later that evening. But when I turned around, the other girl was there and she waved and walked over and we chatted some more. Like where are you headed? Just going back home. You live in centre city? Yeah just around the corner. So I offered to walk her home cuz I have no other plans for the next two hoursShe asked if I had seen Les Machines (I had), and she admitted that since coming to Nantes in October (she is from Le Mans just a few hours northeast ), she hasn’t actually gone out and seen much. She bought the new assassin’s creed so she’s just been going home and playing video games all night lolBut she asked if I was down to just walk around and I’m like ?? Absolutely?? I love walking??I suggested the park, which is honestly beautiful - esp on a beautiful day - so we proceed to take the ugliest ass most inefficient route to walk there. But it was okay cuz we kinda just talked the entire time so it was fine.She’s rly rly cool and anyhow we got to the park and just continued talking while walking in the park. Eventually after hanging out with some goats, we saw there was another girl from the same course, who had her husband and her kids with her. So we just stood around and chatted for like another hour or so

Eventually it was 18h30 so I was like huh should probably meet up with that guy I said I’d get drinks with, so we headed in that general direction while still talking. Passed by a... spontaneous mini local food market? So I sent the message to the guy to come over cuz there’s something going on here. And the girl and I awkwardly accidentally walked out of the market cuz it’s rly rly small and takes about 30 seconds to walk through, and we’re just trying to decide what to do. Get a coffee? (She’s Muslim so no alcohol - also I seldom drink and I don’t prefer it). Or a kebab?  She wasn’t hungry but also admitted she didn’t have money on her, and I told her not to worry - my treat. We ended up going back to the tiny food market and I got us both some granola and fruit leather? As a snack cuz she wasn’t rly hungry. But that way we could sit around and chat and munch while waiting for my other friend to show He eventually came and we walked around together but then the girl left (said she had to go home, but tbh I think she had a fear she might have been imposing?)Anyhow I ended up walking and talking some more with the other friend (Canadian guy) and we ended up in some restaurant (oops my bad I thought it was a bar— he likes beers and said he wasn’t that hungry, so a little awk that this turned out to be a restaurant). But anyhow, he got some beers and I got a sausage platter to share for us.And we spent the rest of that night kind of just sharing life experiences and discussing doctorate struggles and remarks about French culture and our experiences and anecdotes and shitIt was just a really really good night

[wodenscild]

braiwn how could you forget the word "paper clip" i swear i know that word ok I'm not that stupid :|

Don't worry about the responds! My compliments have also been getting less and less good and amounts are also kinda dead. School can really take over lives can't it? Just take atleast 30 minutes off a day to do something you love! (30 minutes is the bare minimum, do more free time than that)

And when your school starts i would love to hear some stories of how it works and how it's going over there :D honestly can't really think of anything to come up with on my side, so how is the moving saga going? anymore sspects on who i could possibly be? :D

I woke up like an hour ago :-; and I'm already in the bus to school cause it takes two hours with busses to get there ;-; my brain is still kinda soggy and my eyes hurt as hell- Yeah i should stop with my phone... For now atleast

-Mystery anon 1

Aaaa things have sorta taken a dip over here. Our local doctor service is switching from public bulk billing (paid by Medicare) to a private system :/// So it now costs like $80 for me to see my doctor. He was kind enough to give me refill prescriptions for all of my HRT however so when I can keep going a lil while longer before I have to sink a tonne of money into it ^~^

& definitely- but I hoping to have a better handle on uni this trimester! I already have a vague study plan & everything :D I am just waiting on the study time tables to be sent out so I can get an actual set in stone plan ready >:3

& omgs the movie was great. She didn’t end up coming onto call last night but I watched The Prince of Egypt (my favourite movie tbh) & was doing a sorta live analysis to her through text- I swear it was the only thing that stopped me from crying that movie just hits HARDDDD- the way Moses collapses outside the palace after the final plague, crying- the happiness Ramses & Moses had after seeing each other for the first time after many years- the scene of Moses running through the town & the palace trying to grapple with the possibility that he is a Hebrew- AAAAA & OMGS DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE MUSIC & ANIMATION- THE PLAGUES, DELIVER US, & THROUGH HEAVEN’S EYES ARE JUST CRACK FOR MY BRAIJ COS ALL OF THEM AECJUST SO GOOD AT CONVEYING THE STORY- the only downside of the movie is that one of the characters has my dead name & it makes me cringe every time his name is said ~_~ (technically Moses was also my dead name (middle name) but it doesn’t sting as much)

ANYWAY GOTTA SPLIT TO WORK NOW 5 HOUR SHIFT LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HAPPY FRIDAY BELOVED!!!

[carousels-on-fire]

Long post under the cut about going to PA to see my brother!!!

(I promise the entire thing is not as negative as the first few paragraphs, I needed to vent!) So first things first! My brother is awesome, he and his wife are so forward thinking compared to my parents and it was just nice to be around.  UNFORTUNATELY, the ship delivering me to that utopia of openness was my car driving me and my mother 14hrs, while playing car tag with my father. My parents are not, in any way, shape, or form, good people. They’re nasty, malicious, passive aggressive, aggressive aggressive, gaslighting, snippy, and just mean people all around. But they like to think they’re put upon nice people, and only THEY see the world as it really is. Its exhausting. They make me a worse person being around them. My mother spent the entire time calling my father every horrible word in the book, and finding every reason to be angry with him, even when there wasn’t a reason. And kept remarking about how he was probably throwing a temper tantrum in his car. The irony that I had to listen to her complaining instead. And she had the GPS on her phone too even though mine was open when I was driving and kept trying to tell me different directions. Basically being a control freak. And when I wasn’t driving she was tail gating people, flipping them off, speeding up and then slamming on the breaks to avoid running into people. I basically told her if she fucked my car up she got to pay for it. She’s a miserable person and I can’t wait to never have to speak to her again. My father spent the entire time being irate about everything, screaming at me about “helping out” with the dogs and just being a miserable asshole. And then turning a complete 180 and acting like everything was fine when my brother was around. He basically caused the poor dogs to fall down the stairs at my brother’s house twice just being a pushy impatient asshole. The dogs are old, the stairs are really steep. But...I can’t do anything about it that would help the dogs or help the situation at all. I’m powerless. Getting the dogs taken away would do more harm to the dogs. But they’re so mean to them. My brother even commented on it. BUT, BUT, in a beautiful moment my brother called my mom the fuck OUT for being a loud crazy bitch outside his house. He told her not to make a scene because his neighbor likes to sit outside on his porch and she was glaring daggers at him the whole night. It was nice to see her put in her place. Also my niece was not nearly as nerve-wracking to be around as I thought. After a couple minutes it was pretty easy to figure out how to interact with her. She’s two and only knows a few words so its not complicated yet, she’s not asking real questions. She’s cute but I don’t think I could be around her more than a couple hours, just because she does require constant attention. My brother got some photos of all of us with her and managed to get a great one of me pretending to bite her leg like a child eating demon. Kids seem to like me for some reason. I see a lot of my brother in her, and based on what I remember of the stories of him as a child, and how she’s being raised, she’s going to be a terror. Of the mischief and mayhem variety.  I do always feel slightly out of place around people who are really normal and have their shit together. But then my brother will do something really bizarre and its like ‘yep, there’s that family resemblance.’ To give some background info, my bro is a wedding photographer, he lives at the gym when he can, dresses really nice, he’s basically someone who would never ever need to be on Queer Eye. But he’ll do stuff like record himself driving and making monkey noises and getting really into character, its so funny. Or he’ll do shit, like we’ll reach for something in the center console of the car at the same time, and he’ll make sure to rub his arm against mine and be like “YEP let me make this as awkward as possible” with this ridiculous face. OR he’ll say something so off the wall in conversation that you almost don’t catch it, and then you laugh for like 5 minutes. I really hate that my friends don’t get to see my brother at his weirdness peak.  I hate that I didn’t get a selfie of us, because we’re really as different as you could possibly be appearance-wise.  Philly itself was kind of underwhelming overall. But, the 1hr and a half drive there kind of wore me out prior to actually walking around downtown. I think if it were like Savannah where I could take a bus into downtown, or in a place where I was used to walking long distances everyday it would have been fine. And I really only saw a little bit of the city because it took so long to get into the city and I had to leave before dark. So I’ll reserve judgement until then. The shops I did see and the variety of stuff was amazing. The oddity and punk stores were incredible. But it does worry me moving to a big city, that I’ll have to deal with traffic like that the entire time. Savannah traffic when I lived far from downtown wasn’t terrible. But Savannah is still a small city compared to Philly. I finally got to see the Mutter museum which I wanted to forever! Some of the skull exhibits made me so sad because some of them were from such young people. There was a wall of skulls with ages, nationalities, and sometimes a story. And it would be such tragic deaths. There were a lot of 25 and 26yr old suicides and that hit close to home. There were so subtly different. I loved trying to see the people in each face. The teenager skulls were so small. The children smaller still. The worst were the ones from women who died young in childbirth. I wish I got to see more of the fetal deformity exhibits at the Mutter Museum but we were running short on time. There was a Civil War exhibit about Black soldiers that was fascinating. Including a huge reproduction of a poster calling able bodied men of color to fight. My brother looked at it and said to me “How many of them do you think could even read this to know what they were getting into?” Its something to think about. But the sad part was the poster was about men of color getting their dignity and personhood reclaimed in that war. Its bitter to think they still haven’t completely gotten that, even after so much time. I could have spent days in that museum, it probably took me longer because I had to stop and read every single placard and try to picture what each thing was or was used for, or what it looked like alive.  There were a couple comic book stores that I got to check out, one with extremely helpful staff, one with not very helpful staff. I was on the hunt for that Hawkeye and Bucky comic that I saw panels of on here, and actually ended up finding it at Barnes and Noble. I did, while my brother and parents were busy at a wedding, get to see an old friend from college so that was cool. Its nice to just see people who aren’t my co-workers and get to do normal people stuff like go to lunch and socialize. Another thing I wish I’d gotten to try more of in Philly was food! I didn’t have much money to spend. The one cafe I went to had terrible, godawful pastries. Like...they tasted like someone forgot to add sugar to them at all. And they were stale/old tasting. I’m usually not one to complain about food that much, but this is an exception. BUT the one cafe thing my brother took me to was amazing. It was an italian place with coffee and pastries, but also actual food and wine. I asked the barman for ‘wine sweet enough to put in a hummingbird feeder’ and he did not disappoint. And the stuff is only like $8/bottle. The drink menu was intimidating though. It looked like it was in another language entirely. It probably, mostly was. The only really big downside to the trip was I caught a stomach-bug tuesday night and was out of commission wednesday and a lot of Thursday. Even though I was upright, it was like ‘at what cost?’. Even today I’m not 100% back to myself. But luckily my brother was super understanding/supportive. I felt so bad because my niece got sick too. She seemed to bounce back pretty quick though.   My brother is also awesome because he and his wife got me a copy of that John Olliver book Marlon Bundo about Mike Pence’s pet rabbit being gay and getting married to another boy rabbit. They bought one for me and one for my niece. They’re pretty great people. I’m so glad at least part of my family is sane and I don’t have to throw out the whole damned thing, you know?