#only boundary: no romance or sex. we’re just not comfortable doing either of those

[thereareeyesinsidethetrees]

send us asks maybe. mayhaps :3

[eliemo]

Love Our Way

Summary: Virgil knew he should have said something right there. But he didn’t, because he knew that would be the end.

Notes: Ace Virgil fic with romantic LAMP

TWs: Mentions of sex but no details. A little bit of internalized acephobia but barely, Virgil just has negative self esteem.

They’d been together a few months now and it had been, without a doubt, the best few months of Virgil’s life. 

It’d been a bit nerve wracking in the beginning, those first couple of weeks, as excited and thrilled as he was, Virgil had been extra paranoid about doing something wrong, about giving them any reason to lose feelings for him. 

He honestly hadn’t thought it could work at first. Relationships rarely worked out with two people, let alone four. Eventually they would fight, or lose feelings, or decide it was all too complicated. And things would get awkward and they could all end up hating each other and who knew what it would do to Thomas if they could no longer stand to be in the same room—

But they didn’t. By some miracle, that never happened.

Things were...things were perfect, as scared as Virgil had been to use the word. They’d been amazing ever since the anxious side was allowed to join their family, the love and warmth a wonderful kind of overwhelming he’d never felt before, but actually dating the people he loved more than anything, no longer needing to be afraid to express his feelings…

It was more than he’d ever thought he would get. More than he ever thought could be possible. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe it was real. 

They fit together like puzzle pieces, making each other stronger, pushing each other to be better, gentle and encouraging, coexisting in peaceful harmony. 

Virgil had never felt so welcomed, so surrounded by unconditional support and affection. They showed him just how much he had to offer. For the first time he’d actually felt like he wasn’t just a burden. 

It was hard, especially when it took a while to convince himself that he wasn’t invited into the relationship out of convenience, but because they actually wanted him. 

But they loved him. He knew that now. They all loved each other, flaws and all. 

And, well...Virgil should have known it wouldn't last forever. 

Not for him. Because...because that was just the way things were, wasn’t it? He’d made progress, he wasn’t the bad guy anymore, but he was still Anxiety. Things were just destined to go wrong. 

He really hadn’t given a single thought. It never crossed his mind as something that could ever be a problem, even when they had initially gotten together. No one else seemed intent on bringing it up, so Virgil had figured they never would. 

But then it had. Logan had brought the topic up about a week ago, somewhat awkward but still painfully casual, the conversation simply to discuss everyone’s level of comfort when it came to intimacy. 

Which...yeah, Virgil guessed it made sense. They were dating, the four of them happy and comfortable with their relationship, and had been for months now. So obviously sex was going to get brought up eventually. Boundaries needed to be set before...anything actually happened. It was routine for a healthy relationship. 

Except Virgil hadn’t actually thought they would ever talk about it. Because he’d known for a long time that he was asexual and he’d just...kind of assumed the others were too.

Which in retrospect, was a stupid conclusion to jump to. 

Virgil had known for years now, long before befriending the others. It had taken him a while to be sure, lots of research and panic and overthinking, but he’d eventually grown comfortable with the label. It was just another part of who he was. 

But he’d also never really understood why. Thomas wasn’t asexual so it didn’t make any sense for Virgil to have a separate identity. 

Unless it was just something all the sides experienced, none of them able to feel that kind of attraction.

But he’d never actually gotten around to asking. No one brought it up, and before the...development in their relationship it never seemed like something that would be an issue. So he’d just assumed, and ran with it. 

But clearly that wasn’t the case. Not when Roman and Patton were responding to Logan’s question with varying levels of eagerness and approval, comfortable and willing to take the next step when they were all ready.  

And Virgil knew he should have said something right there. They had given him the perfect opportunity to come out, quick and easy, and avoid anything uncomfortable in the future. 

But he didn’t. Because...because that would be the end, wouldn’t it? 

They would be sweet about it, of course. Thank him for being honest. But if he was the only one who didn’t want that...well, what was the point of him being a part of things? 

It was a cruel thing to assume, he knew that. None of them were shallow enough to see sex as something necessary, and he knew they would never force him into anything. 

But...but he already offered so little. They already had to jump through so many hoops to accommodate his anxiety, and it wasn’t like he was particularly loving or good at romance, as hard as he tried. As loving and amazing as they were, this could simply be the final straw. 

He wanted to be with them. He wanted them in every other way. He loved them more than anything. But he wouldn’t fight it when they ended up distancing themselves from him. 

Virgil just wasn’t ready for that heartbreak yet. So he plastered on a fake smile, and nodded along with the others.

 He’d tell them tomorrow. The longer he waited, the worse it would be. 

_

“Movie night!” Patton declared, skipping into the living room where Virgil was scrolling aimlessly on his phone. “And don’t think you’re getting out of it this time, Virge!”

Virgil tried to ignore the way his stomach twisted at the phrasing, swallowing against rising panic and sending Patton a smile. It was just movie night, same as every Friday. 

It had been two weeks now, and he still hadn’t told them. He’d managed to avoid last week’s movie night with the excuse of an upset stomach, desperately trying not to think about what they could be doing without him. 

And now...now he’d have to tell. They’d already be upset he waited this long, he couldn’t put it off any longer. 

Besides, they’d all be in the same bed all night, as they often were, relaxed and happy and enjoying each other’s company. They wouldn’t ever force him into something he wasn’t comfortable with, even if they wanted nothing to do with him after he came out. 

He’d lied, after all. He should have told them right away. 

“I'll be right there,” he said, forcing a smile as Patton made his way upstairs to his bedroom where the others were likely waiting. “Just...give me a second.” 

This was it, then. Hopefully afterwards, it wouldn’t be too awkward. Hopefully they would still be willing to keep him around as a friend. 

They were all waiting for him by the time he made it to Roman’s room, the three of them sprawled out on the bed in a pile of laughs and smiles, and Virgil’s heart felt like it was trying to break through his chest. 

He loved them so much. He wanted nothing more than to forget all of this and be held in their arms, content and warm until the sun came up. 

But putting it off wasn’t fair to them. And it wasn’t fair to him either. 

“Virgil!” Roman exclaimed, and Virgil felt lightheaded at the fond, excited looks he was being given. “Come help us choose a movie!” 

He almost chickened out again, just for a second. But he couldn’t panic. Not until it was out in the open and he could deal with the consequences. 

After tonight, he could very well end up alone again. Isolated like a villain. 

Why did he have to keep turning out to be different? Why was he always meant to end up alone? 

“In a second,” he said, stopping just inside the doorway. “I...I need to say something first, if that’s ok.”

Their smiles dropped slightly, but their gentle, welcoming expressions never wavered. The three of them sat up in bed, scooting forward as Patton nodded. 

“Of course, honey,” he said. “What’s on your mind?” 

He was actually doing this. He just...had to figure out how to start. 

Virgil took a breath and stuffed his hands in his pockets to hide how they’d begun to shake. “Just to- just to get it out there to make it easier for you guys...I- I get it if you want to break up with me after this.”  

That got their attention, their heads snapping up with wide, wary eyes. Virgil couldn’t quite bring himself to look at them anymore. 

“I’m just saying,” he muttered, and god he was shaking so bad. “I’ll understand.” 

The silence only stretched on another few seconds before Logan cleared his throat. “We’re listening, Virgil.” 

Ok. Ok he could do this. He...really should have planned out what he was going to say first. 

“I should have told you right away,” he started. “I know I should have. It’s not fair to you guys and I’m...I’m really sorry that I didn’t. I wasn’t trying to...to lie or- or lead you on or anything, I just...love you guys. A lot. I’ve loved being with you and I wasn’t ready to...you know...ruin that.” 

“Virge? What...what did you do, darling?” 

It was passed off as a joke, the Prince forcing a small smile, but there was serious concern behind it. 

Virgil quickly shook his head. “It’s not...I didn’t realize that it would be, you know, an issue. But you guys want...you want someone who’s not...me. Because- because I’m…” 

Say it, just say it. 

“I’m asexual. And you guys...I shouldn’t have kept that from you. I’m sorry. I’m just...sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

And that was...it. That was it. They knew now. 

They knew, and they could react how they wanted. If they were angry, Virgil wouldn’t blame him. If they were disgusted and demanded he leave...Virgil wouldn’t fight it, no matter how badly it hurt. 

He knew them better than to truly assume that would be the case, but the thought was still there. 

Furious or not, there was no way they’d trust him enough to keep him in the relationship. 

But he had to hold it together until the end of the conversation. He’d escape as soon as they let him, and then...and then he’d readjust to being alone. 

Unfortunately, none of them seemed particularly inclined to answer, the silence stretching on a moment too long. He risked a glance up from the floor, hunching his shoulders when he caught Logan’s eye. 

“Virgil,” the logical side said. “Come sit down, please.”

He quickly shook his head, taking a step back. He didn’t need a long, drawn out ending to this. He wouldn’t be able to hold it together that long. 

“You...you guys don’t have to--” 

“Virgil,” Patton cut him off, scooting aside to make room. “Come over here and talk to us.” 

And he’d never be able to deny Patton anything, would he? Not when he sounded so desperate. 

Virgil moved forward on shaky legs, focusing solely on his breathing to keep himself from crying, ending up seated in between Patton and Logan, Roman pressed up against the moral side. 

“This doesn’t need to be a conversation,” he said, just wanting to get out. “I...I said I would understand.” 

Virgil jumped when there was a hand against his cheek, Logan suddenly cupping his jaw and turning his head until they were face to face, the logical side’s eyes piercing behind his glasses. 

“Virgil,” Logan started, sounding almost breathless. “How...on earth could you think this would end in a break up?” 

Virgil blinked, wondering if this was some kind of trick question. “What? I don’t--” 

“Darling,” Roman said, and the Prince was suddenly scooting over to sit in front of Virgil, the three of them surrounding him. “You thought we would leave if you came out as Ace?” 

Virgil shook his head because no, that...that wasn’t the problem. Not entirely, anyway. “It’s not...guys I lied. You asked me to be in a relationship with you and I didn’t say anything.” 

“You did not lie,” Logan said, never dropping his hand from Virgil’s face. “You just were not ready to come out yet. You and I both know there is a substantial difference.” 

There was a hand suddenly slipping into his own, and Virgil startled when he realized it was Patton’s, the moral side’s free hand now running fingers through his hair. 

“You weren’t comfortable sharing that part of yourself,” he said. “That’s totally ok, sweetheart. No one’s mad at you. I’m just glad you said something before something...happened.” 

Logan’s hand suddenly dropped, his eyes big and painfully worried, and Virgil had to force himself not to look away. 

“Virgil,” he said slowly. “You do not...owe us anything. Especially not something like sex. If we made you feel like--” 

“What? Jesus- no.” Virgil moved his hand away from Patton, pulling his knees up to his chest, squeezing his eyes shut to try to get a hold of himself. “It wasn’t...I just thought...it would be too...t-too much to deal with, you know?” 

They weren’t breaking up with him. They weren’t. He’d been stupid to think that. There was no reason he should still be so upset. 

He couldn’t make them feel guilty. He couldn’t make them think they’d been the ones to do something wrong when they’d been nothing but perfect. He couldn’t--

“Oh Virgil.” 

Too late he realized the tears had started to spill over, his face burning as he pressed a hand against his mouth to try and muffle any treacherous sobs. 

There was a pair of arms around him, warm and grounding, and it took Virgil a moment to realize it was Roman, gently guiding him into the embrace. He didn’t fight it, falling limp against the Prince’s chest with a pathetic choking noise. 

“S-sorry,” he managed in between sobs. “I’m sorry, I- I don’t know why I’m...I sh-should have told you, I- I thought you’d...I thought you’d run out of reasons to- to want me.” 

“We could never,” Roman whispered, holding him tight. Patton moved forward to rub circles along his back, Logan reaching out to squeeze his hand. “You’re beautiful, Virgil. And this doesn’t change a thing.”

It didn’t make sense. None of it made any sense. If one of them had come out, it would be different. But with him...there was already so much to deal with, so much they were forced to handle. 

Eventually, it had to get to be too much, right? He’d already figured they’d get fed up with the extra steps they had to take to respect his boundaries, Virgil always a little more wary when it came to being vulnerable. 

But they all sounded so...genuine. Princey hadn’t once loosened his hold, still whispering quiet reassurances, Patton was back to running his fingers through Virgil’s hair, pressing kisses to his free hand. 

And Logan still held on tight, counting out familiar breathing exercises just loud enough for Virgil to hear, always knowing how to calm him down. 

When he finally managed to calm down, taking in deep, shuddering breaths, he reluctantly pulled away from Roman, wiping at his eyes as he stared down at his lap. 

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I never thought...I wouldn’t have let you guys do anything. I was always gonna tell you eventually I just...kept putting it off.” 

“That is quite alright,” Logan said, sounding oddly hesitant. “But I...don’t think I could forgive myself if we had taken the next step without realizing you would not enjoy it.” 

Virgil nodded, forcefully pushing down the sickening panic at the thought. “I know. I wouldn’t have let that happen. I promise.” 

Patton and Logan both squeezed his hands, Patton tilting forward to press a kiss to his temple before leaning his forehead on Virgil’s shoulder. He allowed himself to lean into the touch, taking another shaky breath before continuing. 

“I’m...I am sorry though. If this complicates things.” 

Roman cocked his head slightly, frowning. “Complicates things?” 

“Yeah,” Virgil said, hoping he wasn’t about to refute every wonderful thing that had just been said. “We’re...in a relationship. And you all want...I mean, Roman you’re pretty much all romance, so I know you want--” 

He cut himself off, caught completely off guard when Roman started laughing. 

“Sorry,” the Prince said quickly, smiling at the exasperated looks Virgil realized the others were giving him. “Sorry, I just...gosh, Virgil can I kiss you?” 

Virgil blinked, mind suddenly completely blank. “I...uh, sure?” 

True to his word, Roman was suddenly cupping Virgil’s face in both his hands, gently pressing their lips together, and just like always Virgil melted against the touch, completely safe for just a single, blissful moment. 

When Roman pulled back, he met Virgil’s gaze, brimming with nothing but adoration and love. “Virgil, darling, you really think I see something as trivial as sex romantic?”

“I mean...yeah?” 

“Virgil, I love you. You, not...not what you have to offer. I love seeing you in the mornings, and holding you...I love hearing your voice. I want to cook you dinners and pick you flowers and sing for you. That’s romantic, Virge. Not...not something as small as sex. That’s not what’s important. Not to me.” 

“I, for once, am in agreement with Roman,” Logan said. “Sexual intimacy has never been of importance to me. It certainly does not hold enough power to damage our relationship in any way if you do not desire it. And it certainly has no power over my feelings for you.” 

Virgil was suddenly dangerously close to crying again. “I--” 

“Besides, there is no logical reason for us to engage in sexual intercourse. We are not human, so the need to reproduce does not--” 

Roman thankfully cut him off with a kiss, Logan making a noise somewhere between surprise and annoyance, but reciprocated without further complaint. 

Patton was suddenly taking both of Virgil’s hands, their fingers laced together, and Virgil suddenly wasn't quite so scared to meet the moral side’s eyes. 

“I don’t care about something silly like that,” Patton said. “I just care about you, honey. The four of us being safe and happy and together. If we all just cuddle and tell each other how much we love each other...nothing else could ever make me that happy. So don’t you worry about a thing, ok?” 

Virgil wasn’t sure whether he laughed or sobbed, but he was smiling back at Patton, at the people who surrounded him with unconditional love, and he nodded. 

“Ok,” he agreed, feeling lighter than he thought he ever had. “Thank you. All of you. I...I love you all. So much.” 

Within moments they were all tangled up in each other, the television playing an old comfort movie, Virgil wrapped up in Logan’s arms with his head against Roman’s chest, Patton leaned against his legs. 

It was still perfect, and Virgil had a funny feeling it always would be. He loved them, more than anything in the entire world, and there wasn’t a doubt in his mind they felt the same way.

[ahiddenpath]

100 Questions

So I reblogged this 100 question list, and some of the Qs were real bangers.  I picked my top five to answer!  You can ask me more, if you’d like!  More below the cut.

22.)  How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody?  Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better?

I don’t think falling in love or being in love exists, as an emotion or state.  Actually, there was a period where I lowkey wondered if I was... missing some kind of emotional “love” capacity, because love never felt the way I was taught it would: a sensation in my body, like hunger or anxiety or happiness.  And this isn’t limited to romantic love, either.

For example, I had a cat from roughly age seven to my mid twenties.  When she began to deteriorate, I wondered- will I miss her?  Surely, I like that she’s around, and I like her.  But I don’t feel emotions about her.  I probably won’t miss her?  These thoughts seemed monstrous to me- how could I be so cold towards my pet of 18 years? 

And as I thought these things, I continued to give her lots of attention, feed her, take her to the vet for her many end-of-life trips, and patiently deal with her accidents caused by kidney failure.  I genuinely didn’t see that caring for her so kindly was love- I was looking for some kind of big emotion.

When she passed, I was so bereaved that my back went out, and I was immobile for a week (you can’t make this shit up.  I literally had to get a muscle-relaxant injection in my buttcheek because my muscles were so locked up.  I didn’t fall or hurt myself in any way, it was 100% grief).

Clearly, many people experience love as an emotion- we learn about butterflies and crushes and attraction and big sweeping FEELS early on.  For me, love is genuinely wanting to give my best self to someone- to want to give them my time, attention, and care.  To want them around, to seek them out.  I want happiness and health for everyone, but someone you love- you’re willing to put enormous personal effort in to promote their well-being.

It’s quiet, deliberate, subtle... but given with joy.

24.)   Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality?

Okay, so you probably know that I identify as, vaguely, “somewhere on the gray scale.”  I feel like it’s so difficult to pin down, because-  Am I asexual and/or aromantic, or am I just...  Absolutely disinterested in romance, ie, the western phenomenon that is generally traced back to the tenets of chivalry?  

I struggle so much to put these vague and confused feelings into words, so-  Please bear with me.  

A few years ago, a friend sent me a scene from an Indian movie- I think it was an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet.  The scene was Romeo and Juliet meeting at a party- it was colorful and huge!  Then she sent me another clip- it’s hard to remember, but they were in bed and playing with incense- like, making the clouds of it move- and I was like, “Dude-  Is this-  Is this sexy?  I have never watched a scene on film and thought it was sexy???”

My friend said, “It’s sensual.  People setting the mood and enjoying each other.  Western movies tend to follow romance scripts- They went on a date, he gave her flowers/provided for her financially, he messed up, then fixed it with a grand gesture.  It’s formulaic- some people love it, some people are bored with it by the time they’re teens.”

So- I like intimacy and sensuality.  I don’t like romance and sex as it’s generally understood in the west.  I still think I’m somewhere on the greyscale, but-  I don’t know which aspect contributes more to my attitudes towards romantic love and sex.

As for gender, I can’t say I’ve ever wondered if I wasn’t female.  I have wondered if gender is a concept we should bother with- should our physical appearance shape how we’re treated to the extent that it does?  But I also know how important gender is for lots of people!  It’s an interesting subject, but also one I tend to worry about discussing- I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone.  

40.)   What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’?

A dear friend is insistent that there is no such thing as “good” humans and “bad” humans.  We’re all just... humans.  

I chewed on this for years, because- surely someone who, say, commits murder is “bad.”  But, slowly, as I matured, I think I started to understand her.  No one is saying that crimes should be overlooked and there is no right and wrong.  But what you judge is the crime itself, and only in a court of peers.

The moment we start sorting people into “good” and “bad” is the moment we start slipping towards, “this kind of person is better than that kind,” which can go in many terrible and disastrous directions.

We aren’t meant to sit around judging people, deciding who is worthy and unworthy.  We’re meant to do our best and support others when we’re able.

50.)   What do you expect from a friend or partner?

I JUST ABOUT LOST MY MIND WHEN I SAW THIS Q ON THE LIST!

So it turns out that people talk about their love lives a lot, especially if they are looking for a partner.  I realized that people always talk about what they want from a partner...  But I had literally never heard anyone talk about what they expect to give their partner.

I started asking.  “Okay.  So that’s what you want from a significant other.  What do you want to offer/give them?”

It turns out this is an efficient way to cause system failure, lol!!!!!

But here’s the thing- the world we live in takes and takes and takes and takes from people.  We’re all searching for comfort, for people to lean on, for support and presence and connection.  It’s one of the most precious things out there.  It’s no wonder that everyone wants it, and that we feel the need for it so keenly, so painfully.

So very many of us are desperate for support and connection, and for whatever reason, my American culture points to a monogamous romantic relationship as the strongest source of it.  If you offer someone love and care, many people will devour it to the last crumb.  Usually, it isn’t because they’re consciously greedy.  It’s because the need is so great, and we are taught that the best source is a significant other.

So, when it comes to dating, I think it’s absolutely paramount to know how much you can give and where your boundaries are before you start.  It’s also important to remind yourself that, even in the beginning stages, the other person is also a human who has wants, needs, and expectations from you.  What are you willing to provide?  If you only take, they will eventually catch on and realize they are being used.  If you only give, you will eventually realize that you are depleted.

So, what are you willing to give?

75.)   Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent?

Have you ever heard that story where Benedict Cumberbatch stopped an assault, and he was basically like (paraphrasing), “Don’t call me a hero, I just did what I had to.”

Basically, humans looking after humans is... you guessed it, humans being humans!  We’re a social species that only survived this long by working together.  No one can hunt, watch children, make warm clothes, care for the elderly, cook the food, gather herbs, make medicine, and care for the sick in a single day.  We get it done by working together and splitting tasks.  

It looks different in the modern world- we mostly pay for goods and services instead of trading skills.  But there are still so many places in the world where people only survive by helping each other.  This is especially true in low income areas.  Most people have experienced hard times, and want to help others when hard times come for them.

That said, my country’s current situation generates a black hole of need (financial, emotional, healthwise, etc).  It’s important to help others, but pivotal to know when you need to recover and take care of yourself.  You can’t pour from an empty cup.

And those were the 5 Qs where I felt like I had the most interesting perspectives/ things to say/offer!  I hope they were interesting, and not just hot air, lol!  It was really engaging to come up with responses for them.

[aropippin]

hello this is a long post, sorry. don’t feel like you need to read it.

this may be incoherent, it’s kind of a mind dump and to be honest i’m a little tipsy writing it. this is probably a little tmi and no one is asking for this explanation but it’s something that’s been lingering in my mind for a while. also i talk about things through the lens of summer vs. fall vs. spring because i was in college for most of this and that’s how our semesters worked (and how i categorize time).

i feel a little bit of an elephant in the room since returning to tumblr (now more than ever since i’m online more frequently than i have been for a couple of years) when i talk about certain things in my life and particularly my boyfriend. 

the last time i was really active was over three years ago. at that time i was still 100% identifying as aromantic and asexual (i’ll say aroace from here on out), it was something that was very important to my identity. i very actively talked about it on here and it was an active part of who i was. i very genuinely did not have any interest in dating and experienced pretty much no attraction to people outside of aesthetic (and a lot of that went hand in hand with my dysphoria, i saw other men and wanted to look like them). at this point i was sex repulsed and honestly pretty romance repulsed as well. 

i’d be identifying as aroace for at least four or five years after breaking up with my high school boyfriend (put a pin in that thought). i was very stable in that identity including through questioning my gender identity and that first few months of me knowing i was trans.spring of 2017 was interesting because i developed a crush for the first time since i was  freshman in high school (so it had been like five years). i won’t go super into it, but for the first time i was interesting in pursuing a relationship. it was something i thought about a lot and i liked him a lot. in the end, it kind of fizzled out after a couple of months but we’re putting a pin in this too. 

after it ended i didn’t think about it too much. this was the point that i publicly started transitioning. when we came back around fall of that year, i noticed a shift. i wasn’t really attracted to anyone nor did i really want to date but i was jealous of my very close friend. this was maybe seven months into her relationship at the time and i was jealous of her boyfriend because we had spent so much time together the previous year but it felt like i was barely seeing her. i thought i might have had a crush on her and even told a few close friends that i thought i did but to this day i’m not really sure. i had similar feelings growing up (middle/high school) with my close female friends. i think i really was looking for attention, not in a negative way but just in general; i saw that other people had people looking at them and liking them and i wanted it too. and to be fair, i got a little bit of attention at parties from girls it was super affirming to me and felt great.

at this point i felt like i couldn’t really identify as aromantic anymore but i still felt very asexual; the lines were very blurry but that’s kind of where we were at. well late next spring me and the guy who didn’t work out last time agreed to actually try and date. to be honest, it was a hit or miss experience; he just wasn’t really int he place to date but we wanted to give it a try. the biggest takeaways were that it was barely romantic and 0% sexual but it was a relationship and 100x healthier than the last one i was in. in the end, we just decided that it wasn’t working and we’d be better as friends. i ended it and didn’t expect to be in any other relationship any time soon. i was wrong.

within like a month of breaking up with that guy, i met my current boyfriend whose name is josh. we met fall of 2018 at band. we talked a couple of times at camp but it wasn’t a big thing and then at our second party, he got crossed and i spent a lot of time taking care of him (and he spent a lot of time soft flirting with me). i had been a little fixated on him during camp, which is generally how my feelings towards people (platonic or romantic) had manifested in the past but it wasn’t a Thing until he started texting me afterward. i had such a strong response.

it was a interesting time that i won’t go super in depth with, but he wasn’t out at the time and i wasn’t sure he was into guys. i quickly found out that he was and that he was into me. and i ended up being into him. it was a very strange experience for me. i had dated two guys before but both of those were slow burns, we were friends and hung out and then months later started to date. but with josh i had met him and within about a month we were dating. it was messier and more complex than i’m getting into but it happened. and i was more than okay with it, i was happy. pretty early in i sat him down and told him how sex repulsed and that i had some traumatic dating experiences in the past and he was very open and supportive of however this needed to go.

but like, not to be tmi but within a month of dating we had sex (both for the first time) and while it wasn’t great to begin with, it wasn’t the traumatic experience that i thought it would be. and it generally only improved over time. i got much more open about it and we figured stuff out together.

okay, so here’s the pinned thought. in high school i dated a guy for two years. at this point i was not aware that i was trans so this was a “straight” relationship. he was terrible to me for a lot of it. to be fair, i was dealing with a lot of dysphoria that i couldn’t place however he was pretty constantly pushing my boundaries on what i felt comfortable with physically. he would either freeze me out or just get upset if i didn’t want to do things he wanted to do and would even do this while i was having a panic attack and couldn’t function out of fear. he and his friends made fun of me and called me frigid and a prude and said that our relationship was meaningless because we didn’t do enough physically/sexually. i left this relationship pretty fucked up and that’s without taking the dysphoria i was dealing with into account. he continued to be emotionally abusive to me for years after that.

and if i’m being honest, i think a lot of that played into my feelings and identifying as aroace. i think the majority of it was because of my traumatic experiences but my dysphoria played into it too. and honestly i hate that. i feel like i betrayed all of the people that i used to talk about it with when i stopped identifying that way, but it got to the point where it wasn’t something productive in my life anymore. 

if i were to psychoanalyze myself and go into micro-identities, i’d say i probably still exist on both the ace and aro spectrums. i really have such limited physical attraction to other people and i really don’t know that i could identify it really as sexual attraction. and even romantically, i still think that i probably experience some level of being aro but i don’t think either term serves me anymore. they used to be important, they made me feel safe and understood which i desperately needed, but now they don’t.

i don’t define my sexuality in any strong terms. i’m queer. i say i’m bi for the functionality of it, but in the end i’m just not straight. i’m into people, gender doesn’t play a big part in it, and that’s just kind of where i’m at. i know this was long and convoluted, but some part of me felt that it was important to talk about the shift i’ve felt over the last few years. i feel guilty because aro and/or ace people often times are faced with people saying, “oh you’ll grow out of it” and i feel bad for playing into this narrative but it’s where i’m at. especially after transitioning, defining my sexuality became a lot less important to me because i was more comfortable with myself.

anyway, mostly unrelated but i am not changing my url (i have a brand to maintain) lol and pls like this if you read to this point

[anxiouslyfred]

Love After Exile - All Dating?

Authors Note: we’ve reached the conclusion and I can’t wait for some time to pass so I can read this all anew for myself

Summary: Virgil loved Remus and Deceit long before they fell out. Now he’s dating Logan after beginning to recognise similar feelings. They’ve been having game nights together for a while, and Virgil’s starting to wonder if the offer might be repeated when Remus says something a little unexpected.

Formatting: There’s a shifting POV, anytime you see Bold starts of a paragraph then there’s been a perspective shift.

Pairings: Analoceitmus

Warnings for this part: suggestive talk, quite a few mentions towards sex

/\/\/\/\/\ Part One /\ Part Two /\/\ Part Three /\/\Part Four /\/\ Part Five /\/\ Part Six /\/\ Part Seven /\/\/\/\ Part Eight /\/\/\/\

Remus couldn't be happier than he had been over the last few weeks. Virgil wasn't scared by his outbursts and actually welcomed his visits again. He'd even gotten to argue with Logan more while just hanging out in the living room and Dee was slowly joining them all more often without the random pretences he thought had been needed.

It wasn't often that his intrusive thoughts were as calm as they had been but with the games there was even an outlet for them. "We could stay here forever and I'd be happy with You all." he sighed, never one to shy from sharing his thoughts. 

Conversation paused at his words which was the first Remus realised they'd been discussing the next game they could play rather than anything related to his enjoyment. 

" I'm glad to hear that Remus. Are you attempting to say you'd like to play one of our games with your statement or just generally expressing your feelings?" Remus couldn't help but smile and relax at the slightly confused, slightly flattered tone Logan spoke with.

Inside Virgil's mind the words were spinning around. It fed into one of his main worries that Deceit and Remus had actually decided to just put any feelings beyond the platonic behind them after his earlier reaction. 

"You're actually happy just hanging out with us? Neither of you has brought up what happened in the imagination since our first chats after it happened." Virgil had been expecting a repeat request sooner or later but even after Dee joined their game nights nothing was said.

He wasn't sure what to think, and honestly feared any answer to his question as it fell far too close to the ones he'd already been thinking: Did Remus and Dee decide they didn't want to date them after all? Were they just being careful to give him time to speak his emotions now? He couldn't be sure and being anxiety that meant sooner than later he'd have to challenge what was going on.

Above all he dreaded hearing that he'd missed the chance he'd been given to be with the people he first fell in love with. To have his rightful reluctance to trust them deprive him of any chance to date them as the trust is being rebuilt.

"We're happy with whatever relationship you are comfortable sharing with us, Virgil. If friendship is all you are comfortable with then we are delighted to simply be your friends and share these evenings with you." Deceit's words sounded like he intended to comfort Virgil but they were too vague for him to believe.

A glance at Logan had him wondering if his doubts were unfounded as Logic was looking quietly pleased as though finally understanding something which had puzzled him. 

"Wow, it's like you have no clue just how many concerns and worries I can come up with from that sentence. Has it been too long since you took a turn helping me with anxiety?" The sarcasm might have been exaggerated, and probably a little too much but Remus jumping to wrap around him was a perfect response.

"My thunderclap. We're idiots and have no clue how to act so you aren't feeling pressured to be with us while still showing we want to be with you. Tell me how and I'd do anything you want, even follow the Disney chased lemmings off a cliff." Remus crooned, leaning his head over Virgil's shoulder once he was able to sit behind him properly.

Virgil easily leant back into him, watching the shocked expressions flitting over Logic and Deceit's faces. It couldn't be any clearer that they'd both thought their interest was evident. "Right, let's leave jumping off cliffs for someone else to do. I worry about you enough without adding that to the mix."

"Oh what else can I mix together? What's already in there?" Remus was bouncing in his seat with ideas, nuzzling into Anxiety's neck intermittently. He'd seen the door of chance opening and even if it left Deceit staring he was going to grab it by the balls and party.

His people just blinked back at him before Virgil started snickering. "I think we're already trying to add romance into it, so we can probably wait a while before you offer any suggestions."

"So we aren't starting with a decision of kinks or me trying to find all your erogenous zones? Shame, sounds like a fun focus." he shrugged.

Logan's frown and Deceit covering his face were milder reactions than he could have gotten, but Virgil's reaction was the most interesting. He shuffled in Remus's hold until they were facing each other, tilting his head. "Well it would help us know how to get you to back off things we might not be ready for. You've always preferred to have a safe word rather than unbending boundaries."

"You're going straight to safe words without confirmation of everyone's relationship status? I think some more clarity would be useful in this conversation." Logic stated, unflinching under Creativity's gaze.

The turns of the conversation had left Deceit a little dumbfounded.

He'd forgotten to include anxiety in his calculations over how long to wait to ask to date Anxiety and Logic again and thinking about it like that made him feel more than a little imbecilic. Of course Virgil would eventually challenge them over their emotions and actions.

That didn't mean Deceit knew how to respond to Remus turning the conversation from not just confirming they still wanted to date Virgil but straight to sex and kinks.

"I agree, Logan. Is this your way of saying we can all date now or just confirming our interest, Virgil darling?" he asked, silently praising Logic for his question by squeezing his knee.

Anxiety hesitated, thinking for a moment before responding. "Both. You've been building trust for like 3 months now, dude. Did you think I'd be that slow to trust You?"

"My dear Einstein, are you okay with the change also?" Of course Deceit had to ask Logan as the one person that had not spoken up with a view since the subject began.

He could see thoughts and ideas racing through Logan's mind at the question even as a gentle smile formed on his lips. "I believe I've already agreed to date the both of you so long as it didn't cause so much concern to Virgil." the agreement was enough for Dee to move from his seat to beside Logan.

"Then can I suggest we change tonight from a games night to either a date or a discussion of everything that Remus is already about to bring up?" it seemed only reasonable but the bouncing head shakes were enough to show Remus had his own ideas.

Back when Remus had been planning to ask Virgil and Logan out with Dee he'd come up with a grand location for a date and so many idea of what they could do all together or individual date he could take Anxiety or Logic out on. He had put those ideas away after Virgil's reaction but still remembered them and could for the imagination into them quickly.

Now they were finally all dating he didn't want to wait to whisk them away. "I have a perfect location for our first date we can got too right now!" he insisted.

The agreement was given far more easily than he'd expected given Deceit had always protested imagination dates since they got together but Remus was just thrilled to be able to lead them all off to his place for them.

Of course he tried to reassure them that their destination was only surrounded by the swamp and not just the centre of it but his cackling didn't help in convincing anyone. He was just so overjoyed now.

All 3 of his people were his boyfriends too and they would let him arrange dates like this one for them. It was the best thought ever.

Once Virgil was kicked out by two people he knew he loved but now he could follow the three people he loved and adored through a swamp for what was sure to be just the first adventure of many more.

Tags: @cheshiren @book-of-charlie

[intersex-ionality]

A friend requested that I post this response separate from the main thread so that it can become its own discussion. Here it is in “isolation,” with minor clarifying edits.

CW: This post discusses a hypothetical person’s dysphoria and experiences with medical, physical, domestic, and sexual violence.

I want to address the claim that intersex is not a gender.

That concept--intersex being separated from all other aspects of gender theory--is very young. It is, in fact, younger than me. When I was a child, intersex was not only considered a gender, it was specifically considered a subset of transgender.

For reasons that, I hope, will become obvious by the end of this post.

You see, all of the forces that target, oppress, and harm intersex people are the same forces that target, oppress, and harm trans people. The causes and the effects are almost identical.

Let me present some examples, because human beings often learn best through pattern matching and examples.

Imagine a child is being assigned male.

This means that the child is being forced to adhere, both physically and mentally, to other people’s definitions of manhood. Society looks at the child, declares the child to be a boy, and then enforces boyness on the child.

This enforcement may be medical, and it may not. But, the enforcement will always be psychological.

There will be actions the child is forbidden from taking. Spaces the child is forbidden from entering. Expectations the child will be forced to adhere to. Toxic societal beliefs that child will be forced to internalize. All because society looked at a baby, and said, “you’re going to be a boy now, with everything that entails, with nothing outside boyhood, and you don’t get a choice.”

Imagine the child grows up feeling trapped in boyhood, forced to conform to these limitations. The child knows, on some deep level, that boyhood is wrong for them. The child even knows, in as much as a child knows things about anatomy, that something about their body doesn’t match up quite right with their identity, and becomes despondent and alienated from themself over it.

Is this child suffering because they are intersex? Or are they trans?

It doesn’t actually matter.

In both cases, the child is being constrained to boyhood, often by force, and denied anything else. Because someone, when the child was born, decided, “this baby looks like a boy, better make sure they become one.”

And because every other aspect of society followed along the same path.

Whether the child is trans or intersex doesn’t change those facts.

The only thing that changes is the details. A trans child is far less likely to have undergone infant surgery, but then, not all intersex kids undergo such surgeries either.

The underlying cause, and the resulting trauma, are the same for both the intersex and the trans child.

Let’s say our hypothetical child grows up a bit, learns about gender and sex theory, learns about dysphoria and surgery. And ultimately, decides to seek out medical treatment to achieve a body that feels more right.

Our now adult thought experiment spends years trying to find doctors who will help them.

They’re denied most therapeutic interventions because their therapists consider the alienation they feel from their body to be a type of mild delusion. They’re turned away from most clinics, because “transitioning to something outside the binary” is seen as frivolous or as faking for attention. Surgical intervention becomes less and less accessible with each denial, because now they have a mental health record that makes them “unfit” to decide healthcare issues for themself.

Again, being trans or being intersex makes no difference. The denial and the isolation are still the same. And are still caused by the same force.

A ray of hope for our thought experiment: surgery to bring a body to a state outside the sex binary becomes more possible and successful. Eventually they are able to get the necessary therapeutic letters to seek out this surgery.

And another seemingly dead end: there are so few doctors who perform these surgeries, even fewer who are covered by insurance, and none at all within a realistic traveling distance for them.

This scarcity of options, the therapeutic barriers to access, and the obscene costs associated with specialized gender and sex surgeries are also the same whether the person is intersex or trans. The sex binary doesn’t care why you want to do something different, it only cares about making sure you can’t.

But, let’s say that our thought experiment is luckier.

They have the money, the support, and the opportunity. They get their hormones and their surgeries without so much as a hiccup. There are no false starts, no failed attempts. They achieve a 100% perfect realization of their physical ideal.

Their body is visually androgynous and sexually ambiguous.

And now, they are faced with a new set of problems born from binarism. Problems that still don’t care whether they are trans or intersex.

They get sick, and their doctors blame the illness on their hormones. They get injured and their doctors blame their injuries on their surgeries.

They get attacked and their doctors blame their broken bones not on their attackers, not on blunt force trauma, but on their own “risk seeking behaviour” because of their body and the changes they’ve made to it.

They were attacked because the bastards that jumped them could see that their body was hard to gender. It doesn’t matter if the reason their body was hard to gender was because of being trans or being intersex. The outcome is the same. Violence and victim blaming.

Let’s say our thought experiment is luckier still. They’re white, wealthy, attractive, young. People don’t perceive them as a threat.

They start dating.

And a new set of problems arises. Again, the problems don’t care about the underlying motivations of their decision to have, embrace, and celebrate a body outside the binary.

Again, the problems are based simply on that body, on that divergence from the binary.

When a relationship begins to get heated, and they explain the facts of their body, partners panic and abandon them. If they don’t explain, partners panic and attack them for lying. They’re told that their body is rape, because it’s “false pretenses.” They’re told that no one will ever consent to sex with them.

This, too, happens regardless of being trans or being intersex. The cause is the same either way: a body outside the sex binary is perceived as a trick, a lie, and a scam.

Our hypothetical adult persists. Carefully navigating the minefield of sex and romance, until they finally find a partner who loves their body just as much as they do.

Or, maybe more than they do.

Or maybe it’s not love at all.

Because this new partner obsesses over their body. Begins demanding particular sex acts that they aren’t comfortable with, which emphasize how different their body is from the norm. At first, they are okay with the demands, but as things escalate, they begin shying away from these acts. They begin feeling used, and reduced to a sexual object. When they try to explain their feelings to their partner, they are ignored, or shamed, or made into a guilty party. After all, their partner just wants to celebrate their beauty, how can that be bad?

This objectification through sex also does not care if their body is the way it is because they are trans or because they are intersex.

But now they’re in a relationship, with all of the interpersonal complexities that entails.

And they know from long experience that if they leave it may take years to find another person who is interested in them romantically or sexually. What if that new relationship is just as bad as this? What if it’s worse?

So our thought experiment becomes trapped in a cycle of domestic abuse.

Abuse predicated not on being trans, or being intersex, but on being outside the sex binary.

This pattern repeats over and over. For every negative experience trans people have, there is a matching intersex experience. For every negative experience intersex people have, there is a matching trans experience.

The reason trans people are oppressed is their divergence from what society has deemed correct and appropriate within the binary.

The reason intersex people are oppressed is their divergence from what society has deemed correct and appropriate within the binary.

The cause is the same, the effects are the same. Details may vary, but no more so than details vary among, say, racial groups marginalized for their shared divergence from whiteness in different ways. No more so than individual disabilities are marginalized for their shared divergence from the abled norm. No more so than different orientations are marginalized for their divergence from straightness.

In fact, these differences in detail are significantly less pronounced than the differences in detail between trans people and LGBPQA+ people’s marginalization for their shared divergence from gender roles.

So we’re left to ask ourselves: who benefits from setting up this separation between trans and intersex people. Who benefits from getting intersex people to police trans people, and getting trans people to police intersex people, and getting us both to think of trans people and intersex people as Irreconcilably Different?

It’s not trans people. And it’s not intersex people.

But the sex and gender binary?

All of a sudden, a group that presents a real and present danger to it, and to the class systems it upholds, is fractured. Is fighting itself rather than overturning the oppressive force.

Trying to inflict hard boundaries between trans and intersex people just serves to dis-empower trans people, dis-empower intersex people, turn us against each other, and leave those of us–like you and I–who are both trans and intersex, stuck trying to figure out which parts of ourselves to embrace and which part to ignore in any given situation.

It doesn’t benefit us in any way.

But it sure benefits the people and systems hurting us.

TL;DR: any system that targets and harms intersex people also targets and harms trans people. Usually in the same ways. There are differences in the details, but the causes and effects are both the same for intersex and transgender marginalization. The only people who benefit from intersex and trans people ignoring our commonalities and policing each other, are the people who want to divide and conquer us so that the sex and gender binary continues to be upheld.

[zephyrises]

character sheet.

full name.  ventus pronunciation.  ven-tuhs (which is not at all how the latin word is actually pronounced but don’t worry about it) nicknames.  venty-wenty

height.  5′5″ age.  verse dependent. 12 in ux, 16 in bbs and going on 17 in post-kh3. zodiac.  taurus, with his new birthday. original unknown. languages.  japanese. everyone understands everyone else in kingdom hearts anyway, though?? doesn’t matter which world they’re on. it’s that Disney Magic(tm), ig.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  golden blonde that edges towards platinum. eye colour.  forest green. skin tone.  pale with yellow undertones. body type.  slight, but athletic. accent.  none, per se, but he will shorten words, mash words together and use some slang. dominant hand.  ambidextrous. he tends to stick with his right, though. posture.  very lax and casual. in battle, he uses a unique and antiquated, backhanded stance. tattoos.  none in any of my canon or canon based verses, even though he likes the idea of it! but in my collegeverse, he’s saving up to get lines drawn between the birthmarks on his back so they look like constellations. most noticeable features.  definitely his eyes, freckles, smile and the armor he wears on his feet, upper arm and abdomen. i’d say that the way he moves around is pretty attention catching in and of itself, considering how speedy, floaty and bouncy he is even without necessarily needing or intending to be. he’s also a bit small for his age, both in terms of height and weight.

CHILDHOOD.

place of “birth.”  daybreak town. hometown.  likely daybreak town. birth weight / height.  unknown.. manner of birth.  as weird as it sounds, necromancy. first words.  unfortunately, “yes, master.” siblings.  luxu could technically constitute in uxverse, depending upon how the both of them would view their situation. otherwise, he starts to think of terra and aqua as his older siblings sometime before the events of birth by sleep and then forever onward. parents.  in a terrihorrible way, the master of masters. if he had any parents before his body was re-animated, then it would be impossible to trace them now. he thinks of eraqus as a father figure, but his feelings on the matter are a big ol’ can of worms. parental involvement.  mom locked him up and used him for experiments. eraqus locked him up, good intentions notwithstanding, and tried to kill him. in other words, not the best!

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  post-kh3, he’s a guardian of light and keyblade master in training. the way aqua and yen sid have it slated, he’ll be taking his mark of mastery exam when he turns 18! current residence.  the land of departure, for now. even though he wouldn’t say it aloud to terra or aqua, he’d really like to leave and live somewhere new someday. close friends.  based off current canon, terra, aqua, lea, isa, sora, minnie, stitch, lilo, cinderella, jaq, hercules and peter pan. i see him having really good chemistry with vanitas, kairi, naminé, roxas, xion, ienzo, riku and demyx too, barring some development and circumstances! relationship status.  i don’t portray ven as having been in any romantic relationship or harboring romantic feelings towards anyone up until post-kh3. what happens from then on is a toss up depending on who i’m interacting with. i.e., right now, he’s dating @midnightpapllion​​ and has a budding crush on @rxcusant​​‘s vanitas! he’s a good-natured cutie, though, so other teenagers have flirted with him plenty during his travels. he’s just inexperienced and completely oblivious to the intent unless it’s spelled out for him, which tends to discourage most. financial status.  eraqus left a small fortune that he, aqua and terra use exclusively for groceries and supplies for missions. otherwise, he’s got a modest amount of spending money from traversing the worlds. he just doesn’t spend it on much aside from snacks and souvenirs. driver’s license.  cars are Completely nonexistent in his world. he only rides a keyblade glider and, even though there prrrrrobably should be, there’s no actual license required for that. criminal record.  this one time, he harassed some old men in the woods and beat up a cat about twenty times his size. those instances aside, he’s not necessarily above crime or violence as long as it isn’t Too uncouth and serves a purpose, so he’s probably got at least a little more on his rap sheet.

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  pansexual. romantic orientation.  demi and panromantic. preferred emotional role. submissive | dominant | switch |  unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido. turn on’s. turn off’s. love language.  even though he’d fail to notice a lot of the patterns himself, ven’s would consist predominantly of physical touch, acts of service and gift giving. as of terra and aqua’s involvement in his life, he’s become a huge touchy feely type. shoulder, arm and back touches, hugging and hand holding are all pretty normal for him in any sort of relationship, but lingering touches would be the big cue where romantic attraction is present. longer or more common hugs as opposed to just short lived hugs of greeting, parting or comfort. increasingly consistent tapping, leaning, nudging or hand holding for no particular reason other than because he gets a random urge to instigate it. acts of service would mostly just boil down to doing a lot of cooking or baking, but if he was in a position to and it wouldn’t be Weird to do so, he’d happily tidy up for someone or do their laundry, too! since the person in question would be on his mind a lot, he’d feel inclined to grab something up if it reminds him of them. probably stuff like flowers, pretty rocks or shells, accessories, snacks, things they’ve mentioned/he’s Noticed they enjoy, etc. etc. relationship tendencies.  mileage may vary for all of this depending on his partner’s personality and boundaries, obviously, but i’m willing to bet he’d be doting and clingy. he’s clingy with pretty much everyone once they give him an inch anyway, so i don’t think anybody would be too surprised or put off if they’ve already been hanging around long enough for him to develop feelings. definitely a little shy when it comes time to say i love you, kiss, go out or snuggle non-platonically, but not awkward or uncertain. the friendship that came before would be the foundation, after all, and he wouldn’t view a romance as something separate from that. more like another layer on top that they can navigate and define together. baseline, his flirting style is a combination of undisguised adoration and big time teasing. aaaand generally, he’d also be very attentive! he accounts for the tinier details, even if he can’t always make sense of them without posing a question or two.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song.  i love the canon version of his theme, but i’m linking project destati’s version in particular because it’s orchestrated and extended and kills me dead. hobbies to pass the time.  adventures, walks, star gazing, star charting, flower pressing, bird watching, cooking, ukulele, and the biggie.... NAPPING. mental illnesses.  depression and ptsd. physical illnesses.  you could definitely argue that having his darkness stripped from him is more of a spiritual or mental condition, but to me, it’s a physical one. i think of it like having an organ removed from your body (say, a chunk of your goddamn HEART) or being on the receiving end of blunt trauma. there are mental and spiritual effects, sure. it contributed to his ptsd, depression, and an amnesiac episode, but xehanort stabbed him to make it happen and he’s got the scar and near death experience to prove it, so we’re calling it a physical illness in my house. a reaaaally strange, completely unparalleled, chronic fantasy illness. left or right brained.  right brained for sure. he’s really imaginative and artsy. fears.  being abandoned, especially by those he holds dear. not being smart or strong enough to prevent someone from getting hurt or worse. being deprived of control over his own body or decisions.  self confidence level.  veeeeeery low. when he acts confident, he’s just faking it until he makes it,.which, unless he addresses the root of the problem, won’t be anytime soon. but i’m behind the wheel so this kid’s not going to let being abused define him forever. mark my words. vulnerabilities.  impulsive and bad decision prone. he’s not very physically strong or durable, either. fast, sure. definitely determined to stick it out until the very end. but once you get a couple of good hits in, he’s down. he’ll also undermine his own value and throw his life and safety away on the off chance that it could help someone else, so jot that one down.

tagged by: @kissafist​​ THANK YOU!! ♥ i had so much fun with this. tagging: in addition to livi and sammi who i already pinged above, let’s do @localmagicalboi​​, @feraliix​​, @galaxycrxss​​, @blackasteriia​​ and YOU! but only if you feel like it!

[fyrapartnersearch]

❖ Attention mes chers mesdames et messieurs ❖

Did I manage to catch your attention? Yes? 

If so, great!

Then I would like to welcome you to my humble request! :) 
It has been a while since I posted my ad here on FYRA. After I received so many positive responses and still maintain a very strong relationship with a current partner of mine to this day, I am more than eager to return and try my luck a second time. As I am super busy with school and work most of the time, I haven’t been able to tend to one of my greatest passions, which is writing. 



I hail from Europe, and no I am not French, though it is a beautiful language much like the country. I may plan on traveling there though… who knows what the future may bring.



But enough of my digression and scatterbrained ramblings!


I’d rather be curt and not go into detail about my personal life or include any fancy infos about myself. I’d rather keep that open for a possible friendship once we get into chatting outside of the roleplay.


You may call me Aylo. I am in my twenties, and a female writer who also enjoys other creative outlets like drawing and illustrating. I am a full-time student with a job on the side, which means that I am usually fairly occupied. But now since the holidays are at our doorstep, my constricting schedule has loosened up a bit - in other words - loads of free time to play with! Now I have a wish, or dare I say, a certain craving for something new and fresh. And I am willing to experiment a little this time to see how things go. After a severe case of writer’s block, my creative juices were dried up until - I began watching a certain show called ‘The Boys’. Thinking that I was more or less done with superheroes, this show somehow sparked something within me. It had a very interesting take on the whole superhero world dynamic and showed how human and flawed these people actually were. And with that it sparked my muse and plenty of ideas began filling my head. So what is it that I would love to get my fingers on you wonder? 
Well my cravings are the following: 


The Boys

The X-Men (comic-verse also perfectly acceptable)

An original, somewhat mature story involving superhuman characters and their daily struggle to cope with their powers / how they choose to use these said powers

The list may be scarce but trust me, we can make the most of it. Especially when you consider how vast the X-Men and The Boys universe actually is. But if that doesn’t suit your fancy at all, I am absolutely down for creating something entirely original that involves sci-fi, fantasy and superhuman elements.


I’ve plenty of ideas in that department that I am more than willing to share. If you message me, we can certainly come to an agreement on what would be best suited for the both of us. Now onto the qualities of what my roleplaying partner should have. If you do not meet these requirements or simply have a different view / style when it comes to writing and content, then feel free to skip my ad.



What it all entails:


☞ The Partnership: I strongly encourage for an active roleplayer to take part and share 50% of ideas, plotting, length, detail and passion. Can’t do the thinking for two. A bird cannot fly with only one wing. ☞ The Limits: There are certain topics I tend to avoid which is pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, vore, scat, furries and the list goes on. ☞ The Way of Writing: No one-liners. No text-talk. No half-assed replies. And certainly no ‘quality over quantity’ when you can have both. I don’t expect anyone to write a novel, absolutely not. I don’t either, but if I get the feeling of my partner wavering in their effort and not investing as much as I do, I have to give them the chop, unfortunately. Too often have I encountered partners who showed strong enthusiasm at first, but after a while… they slacked and eventually only put the adequate effort into their side of things whilst completely disregarding my characters. I hope to avoid this in the future. ☞ Communication: As I love making new friends and discuss plotting as we go on, communication is the bedrock of the roleplay. It strengthens the compatibility between us. If there is anything that bothers you, or if you think you are left out in some way (be it a mistake on my part or if we’re both at fault here), tell me. Really, it won’t hold a grudge against you since I know that we all slip up every now and then. We’re human after all. It is also completely sufficient if you only type out a few messages per week. I am very lax about it. It doesn’t bother me re-writing scenes to fit the narrative more. If there are mistakes, they can be corrected - just to get that out there. We can always exchange opinions and see what would benefit the story most. I will also voice my opinion should something bother me along the way.

And now to myself and how I write:

☞ My writing: Third person perspective usually, although I have made some exceptions in my experience. My style is wide-ranging and flexible, which means that frequently, word count will go up 1000+ per reply - though it highly depends on the given situation and partner. Quality over quantity but I say both. I love detail in description, and I am actively seeking someone of the same infamy. My partner should have a basic grasp on grammar, punctuation and somewhat of an interest in knowledgeable writing. Usually I double in a roleplay but I can also make an exception. 
☞ Rating: Alright, so you are writing with some of mature age. I have 12 years of writing experience when it comes to this particular genre. This will be a fair warning to any of those who are not really comfortable with adult themes. There will be violence, swearing, gore, intimacy, uncomfortable subjects, drama, conflict and other dark themes included within the story. I have few limits but I will respect the boundaries of my partner. And lastly, I won’t fade to black or skip out on the nitty gritty, unless it doesn’t serve a particular purpose in forwarding the story. ☞ Interests: My line of interests vary when it comes to genres. I love conceiving my own lore inside a story, be it an original or a pre-existing universe. I am not opposed to tapping into some science fiction, action, romance, crime, action or thriller genres, in fact I encourage it. ☞ Characters: I write canon as well as OC characters. Faceclaims, GIFs, drawings, mood boards or just a plain physical description is absolutely sufficient. Characters should be written as opulent, flawed, unique, talented, heroic, villainous, spiteful, angry, and everything in-between. In other words, don’t be scared of making them ‘human’ who sometimes tend to f*ck up. ☞ Romance: Openly play and accept characters of both genders, preferable m x f pairings, but I am open to m x m and f x f relationships as well. I have more experience with m x f relationships, so I might be more adept in that category. If the chemistry of two characters compel me, I am on board with it! When it comes to sexual scenarios and intimacy (intercourse, foreplay, all that funny business). I encourage erotism, but in a tasteful, sensual manner (that goes for romance as well). The passion must be felt through the screen, even if it’s just a mere description of someone’s deep train of thought. ☞ Content: Drama, violence, sex, metamorphosis, symbolism, action, romance, pretty much everything is a-okay. I am not very bothered by certain subjects that may be uncomfortable for the general public. Roleplays are fictional stories and we best keep viewing them as such. If there are things you are uncomfortable with, name them and I shall respect those boundaries. But don’t be surprised when suddenly one of our characters bites the dust, or gets tortured. It may be difficult to write and read, but it is all part of the story and furthering the plot. My roleplays imply and involve brutality, mayhem, psychological and physical damaging among other things. But I also greatly endorse beauty, serenity and placid moments, scenes or characters. I love it when it comes full circle… everyone- and everything has a beautiful and hideous side. Again, this is mature and I am not here to coddle, I am here for a challenge.

Should there be a hiatus, I will tell you as soon as possible. I understand when you are busy as well, though I highly appreciate if you notify me before disappearing into the ether. At least give me a heads up on what’s going on so I can adjust and put the roleplay on hold if needed! 
Mediums I always roleplay on are email and google-docs. I also have Discord in case for plotting and chatting outside of the RP. 

I prefer my partner to message me first on email, giving me a brief description of themselves, their cravings as well as ideas, perhaps even a little writing sample to see if we’re compatible and if it bears any potential. 



Message me here: EMAIL: aylosreverie@gmail.com Can’t wait to hear from you lovely people!




☆ Au revoir

[prettywordsyouleft]

The Sex Contract - Chapter 4

Genre: friends to lovers au / friends with benefits / mature content / romance / angst

Characters: Shim Changmin x Kaia Ashton (OC)

A/N: Due to the overwhelming request I have followed your encouragement to bring back one of my older stories. This was back in a time where OCs were everything and writing one chapter in each main’s point of view was the trend. I hope that even though I have edited this drastically, that you can appreciate this story comes from my older style of writing. I definitely still read this often and find it enjoyable so I hope you will too.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 - FINAL

Chapter 4 – Kaia’s POV.

 Kaia watched Changmin’s eyes widen slightly at her interest, her teasing making him feel uncomfortable. She hadn’t really expected such a reaction from the tall man but he had given it and now she was intrigued. Kaia wasn’t exactly experienced in having a male as a best friend and wondered if you could ever be truly relaxed on all topics like she was with her closest female friends.

“I’m not answering anything!”

“If I answer your questions, will you answer mine?” she proposed and Changmin seemed to ponder her request. He picked up his bottle and took a swig, which settled him.

“How do you know I have anything to ask you?”

“Do you go and ask all your noonas about sex then?” Kaia smirked as he blushed and shook his hands in answer. “I’m not shy of the topic, but if you are-”

“No I’m not,” he quickly said and smirked back. “You’re not a noona anyway. I’m probably the sunbae in this situation too.”

“Don’t rediscover your ego now, Changmin.”

“Alright then, why do you pay so much attention to dramas, they don’t exactly fulfil that need. Since I’ve known you, you’ve never mentioned about having a boyfriend.” He folded his arms over his chest, his chocolate eyes warming up at the lack of boundaries. It seemed like Changmin was prepared to have the conversation now.

“I guess it’s harder for me to find someone here in Korea than back home. Not a lot of Koreans go for foreign girls.”

Changmin shook his head. “There are a bunch of guys who would date you. In fact, if you knew what some of the boys in Super Junior think of you, that wouldn’t be an excuse.”

“That’s my working environment Min!” She slapped his arm and raised her index finger to wag it back and forth. “I have professionalism. Besides they’re all idols.”

“And men with desires that need to be met.”

“What, like some sexual relationship only?” she asked and Changmin shrugged. “I don’t think I could have sex without a proper relationship first. Though that’s never really worked out much for me. I kind of miss it.”

Changmin rubbed his hands together. “You’ve never really spoken about your past experiences. You have done the deed, right?”

“Of course!” she cried in horror and he laughed heartily. “I just suck with men in general. They tend to walk all over me. I’m never really good at reading the signals. It’s almost like they see me as an accessory, and shy out before I can see if they’re a true prince or not.”

“See there’s your problem right there,” Changmin stated, nodding lightly. “Going around thinking that Princes still exist. This isn’t a monarchical country Kai. If you want to marry a Prince, you’ll have to look at Harry back home.”

Kaia scrunched her nose up in disgust as the Korean laughed some more. Though the topic had got her thinking, just how easier it would be to meet sexual needs without emotion getting in the way? Kaia always threw herself into relationships wholeheartedly; wanting her happily ever after like all the fairytales she had grown up believing in. It was hard to shake the notion off that there weren’t any romantic guys left around these days.

“It seems everyone’s standards are incredibly high, I have to admit,” Changmin said a moment later, breaking his friend out of her reverie. “I mean, you have a point, what happened to saying I like you and the person like you back the same way? It seems like games have to be played, and everything can be taken in more than one way.”

Kaia stared at him. “When did you last date someone?”

“Two years ago.”

“Woah, so long ago.” She blinked a couple of times in confusion. “I thought you’d have a bunch of girls lining up for a slice of Godly pie.”

“Oh don’t you go starting it too,” he cried as she giggled at his obvious disgust. “It’s harder than you think. Much like your belief of guys not liking you for what you are, I feel the same. It’s hard to find an honest woman these days. Women like security. I can’t offer that. Women like stability too and I’m always unaware of where life is taking me. I can’t offer anything but what little of a personal life I have. Especially with work, it’s harder to be able to manage a relationship. So I just don’t bother trying.”

Kaia pulled her knees up under her chin and stared at her friend. “Do you ever miss holding someone? Or other physical elements?”

“All the time,” he truthfully responded and sighed, throwing his head onto the back of the sofa. “It’s funny, but I actually enjoyed working on Paradise Ranch. It’s shameful but every action I had to do, even though it was awkward, it was comforting at the same time. It made me reflect on how to fit a girlfriend into my life. But I just can’t find a way, and I don’t have the emotional effort to offer anyway.”

“It seems like we’re on the same level but for different reasons,” she surmised and he nodded his head sadly. “My best friend back home told me that I’m a painter.”

“You’re a what?” Changmin lifted his head at Kaia’s statement, sending her a curious expression.

She nodded. “I meet a guy and paint an entire picture of what I want from the relationship. Then after the first couple of weeks of dating comes the obvious signs that I painted it all wrong. Then I feel the need to escape before I get hurt.”

“That kind of backs up your way of living through fantasy then,” Changmin agreed. “Don’t you want to try and experience something though?”

“I try,” she admitted, thinking back on past experiences. “I attempted to change the image in my head but then they usually try to rush me into bed or I do have sex with them and then they never contact again. I guess I’m just one of those girls guys never want to understand.”

“No one probably wants to try and stand up to your Prince complex,” he said with a laugh and she looked away from Changmin, knowing he was right. A pair of arms wrapped around her and Kaia glanced up at the brunette. “Looks like we’re as bad as one another wanting love but having no ability to maintain it.”

“This is nice though,” Kaia said softly, savouring the feeling of his arms around her. They had hugged before but with the sensitivity in the air, she was able to close her eyes and remember all the things she loved about men. Without thinking it through, Kaia grabbed his hand, feeling how soft his warm skin was.

“Sometimes it would be nice to just forgo relationships and have someone around who you could turn to that wasn’t in the form of a video,” Changmin replied and Kaia frowned, blinking rapidly and snapping her hand away from his.

“Did you just bring up porn?!”

Changmin coughed awkwardly. “How else do I get any attention?!”

“Oh my god, Changmin!”

“You brought it up earlier!”

Kaia nodded. “I didn’t happen to be in your arms at the time though!”

“I was just being honest. I’m sure you have to deal with your own needs too when the mood strikes!”

She gasped, feeling her cheeks flood with colour. “I never expected us to ever speak like this.”

“Isn’t it a good thing though? That we feel this comfortable around each other? I could never take myself off to have one night stands all the time; I know it’d reach the media in a flash if I did. I wouldn’t be able to pay for sex either so what else does a man have left as an option eh?”

“I guess you have a true point.”

“It would be just nice; it’s all I’m saying. But I don’t know really anyone who I could trust to be myself completely around whilst meeting my needs.”

“Well, you have me.” Kaia covered her mouth as soon as she said it and watched as Changmin regarded her for a moment. she waited for him to reject the idea completely.

“I’ve never seen you as anything more than a friend.”

“Me neither, personally I don’t think you’re someone I could ever date,” she replied and he pulled a face. “No, I’m serious. Your fans are kind of deluded by what they see. The real Changmin is just like any other gamer. If you didn’t have a schedule to keep to, you’d sit in your room playing games all day and night, only coming out for food or bathroom breaks.”

“I take high offence to that!” She gave him a hard look. “Alright it’s probably true, but I have lots to like about me. And for one I don’t try to find a Princess in another, and just accept the girl for who she is.”

“Cheap shot,” Kaia said and Changmin chuckled.

“You’re right though, there’s a term for it, friends with benefits, right?” he asked and she nodded. “I wonder how well it works out?”

“I guess it depends on the couple. It could either go one of two ways. They end up falling in love, like in all the movies, or end up bored of the sex and move on to find partners.”

“Well, there’s no risk of that happening if we tried,” Changmin announced. “I don’t think I could see you as anything more than a best friend.”

“Are you even attracted to me?” Kaia wondered and he smiled. “What?”

“Well, you’re not ugly.”

“Thanks, I think,” she replied and Changmin laughed again, wrapping an arm around her.

“I know from earlier that you think the same about me, Kai.” He smiled smugly. “But you know what; you missed out on watching the rest of Heartstrings.”

“Like I was ever going to be able to watch it in peace with you around,” she bitterly stated, although it was hardly a thought that crossed her mind truthfully.

The night had turned down an unexpected path. Kaia wondered if it was all a dream or something they’d both forget after a good night’s rest.

_________________

Part 5

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[profound-boning]

Holding Back From You

prompt: thrisha’s post pairings: destiel word count: 2k tags: no warnings apply, implied sexual content, dean’s appallingly low self-esteem, perceived infidelity, friends with benefits to boyfriends only on tumblr | dwlts

When Dean woke up in Cas’s bed with a naked Cas lying next to him and a familiar ache, he’d known right away that the night before had ended with some very athletic drunk sex.

When Cas woke up and treated him to round two, he hadn’t bothered to ask questions. Why would he when he could finally have Cas exactly like he’d always wanted?

Finally, when Cas rolled off of him and stumbled to the bathroom, Dean’s upstairs brain tuned back in.

Hey, dumbass, it said, don’t you think it’s actually a really terrible idea to have sex with your roommate and your best friend?

Why yes, brain, that does sound like a bad idea. Except that that was the best sex he’s ever had in addition to Cas being the best person Dean has ever known. Okay, so Cas is a bit of a slob and he’s so quirky sometimes and he’s a runner, which is just weird, but he’s a good guy. Would climb a tree to save a cat or drop his own bags to help an elderly lady carry hers. And Dean really wants to keep having sex with him.

So Dean doesn’t question their new arrangement. They haven’t really discussed it since that first day when a freshly-showered Cas flopped down on the couch next to Dean and asked him how he felt about spanking.

This led to an in-depth discussion of boundaries and what exactly they wanted from each other in the bedroom. Which is all well and good, except that it makes their sexy time a bedroom-only activity and now Dean is having some serious feelings-related issues outside of the aforementioned bedroom.

Granted, these issues aren’t precisely new. Dean has been wrestling internally with telling Cas that he’s halfway in love with him for a solid two years now, but when Dean fucks it up is he going to lose his roommate and his best friend, too? On the other hand, is he going to spend the rest of his life pining over Castiel Novak? That’s a firm maybe at this point. So, no, feelings-related issues aren’t new.

There is something that is new, however, and that is the dark hickey Dean has just spotted on Cas’s hip bone and the fact that Dean is currently losing his goddamn mind over it.

It’s just a hickey, right? Nothing too horrible. The problem is that Dean knows for a fact he didn’t put it there—not that Dean doesn’t love Cas’s hips, but it’s not exactly a spot he’s inclined to leave a hickey—so that means that someone else put it there and Dean’s going to be sick.

He ends up going to the bathroom, actually, but he doesn’t throw up. Instead, he leans his arms against the counter and takes deep breaths. Then, he flushes the toilet and splashes a little water on his face. He looks at himself in the mirror.

This is fine, he lies, you’re fine. It’s not a big deal that Cas is getting some on the side. It’s not like he made you some vow of fidelity. Why would he? A good roll in the hay and a half-decent roommate and that’s all. You’re not good for anything else and Cas would be certifiably crazy to think otherwise.

After that rousing pep talk, Dean goes back to the kitchen and avoids looking at Cas as much as he can.

He’s not very successful, mind you, but he tries.

He does insist that Cas puts a shirt on if he wants to cook, which is a small victory. Cas is craving scrambled eggs but he’s not so good at watching the pan so Dean takes over after a little while and they both end up with a nice plate of egg. Cas likes ketchup with his while Dean just uses a bit of salt and pepper. Cas talks at length about his stupid thesis and his stupid undergrads and he hooks his ankle around Dean’s under the table, and Dean tries to remember to breathe.

After suffering through breakfast, Dean plops himself down on the couch with the intent to spend the entire day on Netflix. Maybe he’ll take a break to hit the grocery store and grab some more junk food. And whiskey. Maybe tequila, too.

But Cas ends up deciding to stay home rather than hole up in the library, which means nature documentaries and talking about the universe. It’s the sort of thing that Dean loves to do with Cas on a normal day, but today is not a normal day.

Today, Cas is wearing a physical reminder that Dean is not anyone special, that Cas is bright and handsome and so damn good in bed it’s a small wonder there haven’t been any indicators before this. Seriously, Cas has probably been hooking up with some other friends of his this whole time.

Maybe they’re not even his other friends, Dean thinks with growing horror. What if Cas is dating someone? What if there’s someone that Cas takes out to restaurants and the movies, someone whose hand he holds when they talk together in little cafes, when they go to art museums and concerts together? What if Dean is Cas’s dirty little secret?

Frankly, he wouldn’t be surprised. But it still fucking hurts to consider the possibility.

Maybe he shouldn’t be so upset about it. Really, if they’re not doing enough to keep Cas satisfied, then what else can Dean do but reap the benefits? Surely, if Cas had a problem, he wouldn’t have turned to Dean that morning with a devilish smirk and wrapped a hand around his morning wood. He’d been so comfortable and into it. So, if Cas wants Dean, even just on the side, then why would Dean fight that? He should be grateful to get anything from Cas, not questioning it.

He’s so distracted by his internal crisis that he doesn’t notice Cas has stopped watching the movie to watch him. Then, Cas leaves over and presses pause on Raiders of the Lost Ark.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?”

Cas huffs a small laugh. “What’s up with you?” Dean shifts uncomfortably.

“Nothing, man. Why, what’s up with you?” He turns to look at Cas, who squints at him.

“Don’t pull that with me,” he says. “I know when something’s wrong with you. You’re easy to figure out.”

Or just easy, Dean thinks miserably, his mind still conjuring images of Cas’s picture perfect partner and how confused and devastated they would feel to find out that Cas sleeps with him sometimes. Fairly often, actually, he thinks with a sort of smugness mixed with guilt. Jesus, he needs to get a grip.

“Cas, I’m fine,” he insists. “Can we just get back to the movie already?” Cas looks deeply unimpressed with his avoidance, lips pursed and brow furrowed as if he can glare hard enough to see inside Dean’s head. Dean really hopes that that isn’t possible otherwise he’d be fucked, and not in the fun way.

But he relents and clicks play, allowing them both to settle into silence once more. It’s not a comfortable one, though, it’s tense with nervous energy and a sort of inexplicable sadness.

Dean thinks he’s going to die when Cas needs to stretch, raising his arms up over his head and arching his back with a little groan. The action pulls up his t-shirt to reveal his belly button and hips, that fucking hickey staring Dean right in the face. He swallows harshly.

Eventually, the movie ends, and they transition to watching bad television. Cas gets out his phone to play games while Dean flips through the channels. It’s comfortable, except that Dean cannot keep his mind off of whoever had their mouth on Cas’s body.

It shouldn’t hurt this much, but it does. Their arrangement wasn’t meant to last, Dean knows that logically, but he’s nevertheless hoped that maybe one of those orgasms would open Cas’s eyes to the possibility of something else, something with more romance than he’d ever admit to desiring.

Things come to a head at dinnertime, with Cas standing by the fridge and holding a jar of tomato sauce in his hand and frowning at it like it’s withholding the secrets of the universe. And Dean loves him. Oh God, how he loves him.

“I love—. Wait, shit. Uh,” he stammers. “It’s just—Cas, I can’t do this anymore.”

Cas looks at him with wide eyes. “What?”

“I can’t—” He gestures uselessly between them. “This doesn’t work for me. I thought I could do it but I can’t anymore, I’m not strong enough. You’re great, Cas, you’re so great and that’s the whole problem really. You’re perfect and I can’t stand only being yours when we’re horny and—and I can’t be your side piece, Cas. I saw the hickey, okay?” He points to Cas’s hip and Cas opens his mouth but Dean cuts him off, he has to get this all off of his chest right now before he chickens out. “And I tried to convince myself it would be okay, that just having any of you would be enough, but it ain’t. I—I want all of you, y’know? But I know you would never want that, and it’s just—just tearing me up inside thinking about it, thinking about never having you again, but I had to—I dunno, I felt like I had to say something, I guess. Can’t do this anymore.” Dean’s breathing hard by the end of his little rant as if he’d run a full marathon, his face and his body hot with shame. He’s tense and ready to flee, wondering if Cas will be so uncomfortable he’ll want to leave right away or if he’ll ask Dean to pack his bags. Either way, this is going to end badly.

He dares to glance up at Cas, wanting to search his expression for clues, when he notices something is off.

Cas is smiling, wide and gummy. This is Dean’s favorite smile and it’s so rare; why is Cas smiling like that and why right now?

Still holding the fucking tomato sauce, Cas takes two careful steps toward Dean, close enough to touch.

“This bruise is from when I walked into the table last night but, yes, I like you, too.”

The little gears in Dean’s brain refuse to turn and process this information. “Huh?”

“I want the same things you do, Dean,” Cas says. He takes another step forward, his smile becoming a bit shy. “I want all of you, too.” The way his eyelashes are fluttering gently makes Dean’s heart trip over itself. “I…sort of thought we were in a good place? I mean, I really didn’t want to push you into a relationship you didn’t want. I just thought we would talk about it eventually.” Cas laughs. “I guess we’re doing that now.”

Dean has yet to form any words. He’s feeling a bit shocked and off-kilter at the moment. He does, however, take a half step toward Cas and reach out to grab the hem of his shirt. He squints at Cas’s hip and thinks, yeah, that’s definitely a bruise and not the sexy kind. Huh.

“Dean?” He looks up at Cas, who’s biting his lip. “Say something?”

What could he possibly say at this moment? How could he respond to being offered everything he’s ever wanted in the form of his gorgeous roommate and best friend? He takes another step, bringing them chest to chest in their cramped kitchen. Then, he raises both hands in order to cup Cas’s cheek, to nudge his bitten lower lip with his thumb, and to push his fingers into that dark, messy hair.

“I’m the luckiest son of a gun alive,” he finally says, drawing Cas even closer. “Not sure what I did to deserve this, but I ain’t gonna question it.”

Cas rolls his eyes before he leans forward to kiss Dean’s jaw. “You’re pretty dense for an honors student, did you know that?”

“Dense and blind, apparently.”

“I’ll forgive you,” Cas says, taking Dean’s hands in his own and stepping back. “I’ll forgive you if you come back to bed with me right now and don’t get up for a while.”

“Oh, I’m thinking we’re both gonna get up.” Dean smirks, following Cas to his bedroom with bare feet and an open heart, too.

[cxdemistake]

| So, like I said before, this is a post on the basics of my sex-repulsion and how it connects to my muses. Some TMI under the cut (and it’ll probably be long as fuck) so here we go:

Background on my sex-repulsion: I’ve been sex-repulsed for as long as I’ve known what sex is and how it works. Personally, I don’t see myself ever having sex. I’ve never wanted to. Even something that isn’t considered sex, like masturbation, is mostly out of the picture for me, because with the way my brain works, anytime I desire something even remotely sexual (like what’s mentioned above), I feel immense guilt and I have a depressive episode, of which the length depends-- on what is beyond me, but it depends.

Sex in general is a giant trigger for me. There’s nothing in my past that has caused me to feel this way-- I already got an anon asking about this, no, I was not raped or molested, no, I am not repressing anything. Nothing happened to me. It’s a phobia, like arachnophobia or scopophobia, and why people are able to tag those without any problems but not think that my own phobia is valid is beyond me.

What happens when I read smut, see a random sex gif, or have someone talk about sex to me is pretty much what you’d expect from someone with a phobia (which I am)-- I feel sick to my stomach, usually I feel like I want to rip my skin off, I shake, I dissociate, all that great, wonderful stuff. And I can count at least 5 times in the past year that this has happened, because of untagged/uncovered smut. Seriously, guys, just tag it. It takes less than a second and it prevents triggering on my part.

Recently I had someone tell me that I act like I hate people who have sex... idk where anyone read that, but that’s literally like the opposite of me. I’m not equipped to hate people. I couldn’t even hate my own dad during the time that I wasn’t speaking with him after he told me he would disown me, I’m just that bad at hating. (Note: Obviously that situation is much better.) If you have sex, great! If you don’t, same! If you love sex, awesome! If you hate sex, I feel! But if you hate people who choose either to have it or not, then you’re a prick, and you should probably leave me alone, bc clearly we won’t get along.

When it comes to smut, idc if you write it or don’t, or enjoy it or don’t, just like with sex. The problem comes when people decide not to tag it, because, like I said up there, things happen when I catch a glimpse of smut. Once again, just tag it, it isn’t that difficult. I don’t hate anyone for writing it, because tbh, I’m jealous of people that can write about something so intimate without feeling the need to rip their eyes out or tear their stomach open. If you understand how genitals work, great, I’m 22 and a trans guy and I still don’t understand a damn thing about mine or why I need them, so you’re already way ahead of me. If you write it, tag it and everything will be fine and dandy in Alistair-Land.

When it comes to my muses, pretty much all of them are inherently asexual, like me. This comes more naturally for a few muses, some examples being Gamzee, Ellis, and Connor.

Gamzee is a troll, from Homestuck (obviously), whose species’ romance occurs in “quadrants”, each “quadrant” being based off of a suit of cards. A basic description is this: hearts(Red)=true romance, diamonds(Pale)=platonic soulmates, spades(Black)=hateship, and clubs(Grey)=hateship with a mediator. We don’t see anyone having sex in the comics, and while Gamzee has a nice Black relationship going for a while, trolls don’t seem to have sex until it’s time to... breed, you could say.

Ellis is from Left 4 Dead 2, and we’re not given much backstory on him. if you ask a couple of people I’ve written him with, there’s quite a few reasons why I consider him ace, and the only girl he ever talks about in a romantic way? Zoey. The only other woman he meets on his journey, and he calls her an angel. I doubt this boy has had much sexual experience, if any, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s probably why he talks about Zoey the way he does.

Connor is from Detroit: Become Human, and he is an android. There are specified models (ex: Tracis) that are used for sex, and therefore I don’t think that normal models, or even prototypes like Connor, are built with genitalia. Therefore, he is basically a Ken Doll down there. In addition, while I will ship him romantically with anyone (including Hank, though I’ll also do it platonically), I feel that Connor craves love (whether platonic, familial, or romantic), but not necessarily sex. He’s just learning how to be human, after all.

Keep in mind, these are my OPINIONS, and how I portray my muses.

When it comes to a muse that is canonically sexual in nature, like Negan, things are a bit different.

With Negan, from The Walking Dead, it’s all about what happens that we see. What we do see is Negan bragging about fucking his wives, kissing some of them, holding them close, etc. But we never see any sex scenes. Obviously, TWD’s comic has a ton of sex scenes, but weirdly enough, never any with Negan. He makes sexual advances, jokes, and things like that, but he never acts on them on-screen or on-page. My Negan basically keeps his harem of wives for power-- when the man’s got your wife, you’re probably going to listen to him. In return for being treated well, they keep up the facade and counsel him when he needs it. He’s ace for a single reason-- Lucille. While he can still find comfort in someone else’s arms, after his affair while Lucille had cancer, he resolved to not sleep with anyone again, because he doesn’t want to cheat on her further.

My boundaries are simple: no sex of any kind, and no touching genitals. And I can’t understand why some people think that any affectionate action, like a kiss, or a bite to the neck, or running a hand up someone’s shirt, is inherently sexual. I write those actions as affection or flirtiness, and, y’know, there’s an easy way to make sure your muse isn’t aroused-- by not writing that they are. I’m pretty sure that’s what most of my partners have done in the past, is taken what they know is sexual, and suppressed it when they write something ship-related with me. If there’s no possible way you can do that... it’s not hard. It doesn’t take long to figure out what’s appropriate and inappropriate to write.

In conclusion: I hate being sex-repulsed, I wish I wasn’t, if you love sex or smut then I support you (just tag smut and pls don’t talk about sex to me), my muses are inherently ace, and there’s no sex of any kind or genital touching on this blog. Thank. |

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

Hey, I’m the anon that asked panicsinning about the daddy thing. I’m seeing it in a significant portion of the fics I try to read at the minute (not just Brendon fics, but I seem to find more of them with him!) and I’m not into it at all. It kinda sucks. There are so many other ways to write a dominant Brendon, if that’s what people want, but as soon as I see the daddy thing I gotta close the tab like no thank u. And especially if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable

i think we’re dealing with the fall out of a generation of 90s and 2000s people raised on internet porn. i’ve noticed–this is evident on wattpad n tumblr especially–that a lot of smut is written by junior high n high school girls too, whose go to source is other smut fics by youn’uns n internet porn. like you could see that at work too on aooo n livejournal, but that stuff tended to be more grounded in real life experience/realistic n the writers skewed older–late teens n 20s on those–recorded porn was also less…fucked up in the 90s-early 00s n things that are mainstream now used to be fringe n avoidable. another thing i’ve noticed in fics: lack of solidarity with other women and girls–a lot of monstering of other females, who are usually portrayed as “whores” (this has a long history though–i remember the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in a lot of romance novels, vc andrews books, etc–tv shows n movies based around conflict between girls, the idea that women and girls are crueler to girls than boys are when the reverse is true, women getting angry at the “other woman” and not their dickhead men)

(trigger warning for me ranting about the content of pornography, the sexual status quo, etc)

i watched straight porn from about 8-12 from 95-99 and i don’t remember ever seeing pia for example. porn is now absolutely obsessed with men anally penetrating women with their dicks (if you are on a porn site, you will quickly see it guaranfuckingteed), particularly the damage that can result from it (eg “gaping,” women saying they can’t handle it *on camera* and the scene still continuing, “she’ll need an ambulance when we’re done with her”). there wasn’t much “deep throat”/”throat fucking” fellatio (i hate those terms–we are looking at throat rape) either, but now porn is obsessed with that too. it also used to be more about showing at least the performance of female pleasure and orgasm (usually faked of course) but now that is largely irrelevant and clear indications of pain are not only kept in, but intentionally there. piv that’s not a cervix bashing is hard to find, scenes without piv even harder (and they’re usually brief clips), and “sex” for men generally and pornographers in particular starts at piv–like if there isn’t at least “regular fucking” it doesn’t even register as sexual and worth watching to most.

“vanilla porn” has a lot of bdsm themes in it as discussed above as well as slapping, spitting, ejaculating on women’s faces, misogynist namecalling, “ass to mouth” and the hetero bdsm porn online is absolutely–we’re talking witch hunt and slavery levels of torture. in both, women are punished for the crime of being born female. based in aggrieved male entitlement–like men are punishing women for having any boundaries, desires of their own, telling them no outright or no to certain sex acts. any sexuality in women reduced to “fuck hole” (or a dewey eyed bisexual–tropes around female-female sexuality in porn are more varied i will admit but ultimately about viewer, typically male, titillation. femdom is also usually paid for by the man, and all about what he wants, and most of the domination and pain is both mild in comparison to what women are put through and based in feminizing him–comparing him to a woman, calling him gay, saying he has a small “ineffective” dick, calling his anus a pussy, etc. women are also often in absolutely ridiculous uncomfortable outfits n shoes.). a lot of humiliation, dom/sub–it’s really difficult for me to watch but it’s like men are in a contest with each other, expressing sexuality together, with women as the targets–seeing who can humiliate and hurt women the most–make her wish she’d never been born. man=sadist, and female=hole. (and a lot of the women making porn play that same game too.)

under this, girls are developing their sexuality, with the above porn online, and either just a general lack of information from school and parents, or a specifically religious tinge to discussions of sexuality as being sinful, shameful in women (and gay/bi men). sex=piv=sex, and pia is 5th base and you shouldn’t have hang ups about fucking bc it’s what girls and women are made for and like. things that women can do together don’t get transferred to sex with men at all, or at best MAY make it in as foreplay–sex is pole in hole, silly ho–not rubbing off on him (esp if you want to rub on a part or in a position that makes him feel like a girl), or getting oral, or masturbating in front of him, or him using his hand on you, or using toys together… women and girls are the gatekeepers for male sexuality and responsible for men’s actions and either natural saints or whores who need to either save men from the bad women (who deserve what men do to them, regardless of how cruel or sadistic or destructive–she wanted it if it happened at all–made him do it) or embrace their roles as cumsluts (liberated sexuality is doing what the pornographers tell you to, you go girl and suck that cock and have piv while you have few if any orgasms, don’t even feel that turned on and comfortable, and just put on a good show! lol don’t you know that focusing on yr clit n vulva is for masturbation and girl-girl action, if you focus on that silly part at all. or just rub your clit while he’s using whichever of your holes he wants–the sex positive solution. or spend years thinking you’re broken, to find out not orgasming during piv is normal, and just continue having it n taking hormonal birth control n praying for your period to arrive on time.)

there is a lot telling women and girls to find dangerous, possessive, sadistic, controlling, etc men sexy, and obviously this works–increasingly women are consuming porn, the success of the twilight novels, 50 shades of abusive gaslighting n pitying the poor poor dude who is just a hurt puppy (who can fucking kill you), advising already traumatized women to “work through their trauma” with a male sadist/top, telling women and girls that “daddy kink” is hot as fuck (ignore the fact that father-daughter incest is probably statistically the most traumatic form of child sexual abuse there is n hide it behind “it’s just a bit of kinky fun n letting him feel like a real man n letting you surrender to yourself n letting him take care of you” gaslighting), the whole mess of “sex positive feminism” (this is not what anne koedt, shere hite, audre lorde, etc were talking about folks) and repainting feminism (the fight for women’s liberation from patriarchy and the end of male violence) as about consumerist choices (particularly around conforming to beauty standards, partaking in prostitution industries) and saying women are not a class and women aren’t oppressed because of male desire to control our sexuality and reproduction but because we have inner feminine souls/brains and if you’re not a walking stereotype n don’t feel like one you’re not really female n sex is a free for all n not political at all (except for slutshaming bc women often are what men call us n shouldn’t be shamed for it–we should embrace it as empowerment) n trust women unless they say something you don’t agree with then they are monsters who kill with their words unlike men (even the ones who do kill) who aren’t why we feel unsafe (those bad women over there made them do it n besides, women are worse than men)… 

holy fuck this is quite the rant! i need to get back to writing the smutty times with beebs ;)

tl;dr this environment is ripe for girls finding “daddy kink” sexy because it encapsulates more explicitly what flows through our everyday sexual lives, media, etc. already. like the question shouldn’t be “why are some into daddy kink” but “why is there an intense focus on dom/sub, top/bottom, adult/child, male/female, penetrator/penetrated… dichotomies and roles in the first place?” or “how could so many *not* be drawn to it?” i remember reading explicit romance novels and this dom/sub, piv-oriented, etc relation was as common as air in them (they were generally way worse than graphic western novels n even worse than a lot of recorded porn back then), even the ones where the women were into equality outside of the bedroom. you can also see this in gay porn, where there is also this focus on pia and top/bottom roles, changing the way gay men have sex outside of porn too–like older gay/bi men see pia and roles attached to it as far less pivotal in their understanding and experience of sex than young gay/bi men do. (jesus christ gal get back on topic…) 

daddy/little (or kitten or princess or slut or…) confirms the way things should be: male control, authority, female deference, submission, etc. independence in women is punished. female desire for sexual pleasure and affection is denigrated. the amount of fics where women are punished or shamed for masturbating in front of him or on her own or rubbing herself on him by the daddy/dom! i can’t even… told not to, called bad for doing it…had their hand slapped away…physically punished for doing it. it’s seen as a distraction from the man’s Very Important Stuff at best, whether that stuff is nonsexual or what he wants to do to her sexually. sexuality is presented as a punishment for women (not so far from god’s condemnation of eve are we?), but something we desire simultaneously. like we should be punished for wanting, as if our wanting men or a man means we should be hurt by him/them. spanking is a humiliation and pain ritual a la abusive fathers with belts/forceful hands/tree branches/whips through the patriarchal ages, creating welts and tears and humiliation. females are *done to* and males *do*. even sucking dick becomes something men do to women by pushing her head down, pushing into her throat, etc as tears well up. outside of fic, women take painkillers and use numbing gels to endure it. the sexiest women are like little girls, and the sexiest men are controlling fathers. men *have to* hurt us, to let us know what we did wrong, so we can try to behave better next time. women need someone telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. telling us and showing us what we are for. men need to feel like real men, and women like real women–nothing is worse than an uppity woman making a man feel like a he’s not an avatar of masculinity, or however he sees himself–quit trying to emasculate men, unless they are into forced feminization of course n are paying for you to do what they want you to, are topping from the bottom. never challenge male self-image, especially in sex. know your place, and tell yourself you are precious, and cared for, and pampered by a benevolent master. daddy kink is the sexiest sex to ever sex, n vanilla is just so boring… why settle for lights out missionary piv when you can be choked n slapped n entered anally? those are your two choices. you’re not a prude are you? quit being so sex negative. quit policing these wild sexy desires in people. quit erasing and killing us with anything you might think or say to contradict this.

we live in a world where men get away with murdering women based on “rough sex gone wrong” defenses, even to the point where people think it reasonable that a native woman in prostitution bled to death after “consensual” piv with a john (when he likely sliced open the inside of her vagina with a knife based on the extent of her injury, let alone the belief that lethal injury can be consented to period let alone within prostitution), athletes are acquitted of rape when they gang rape a woman into several hours of bleeding from a vaginal injury (and she named it rape from the get go, the men were bragging and trying to get her to keep quiet), wives are murdered by boyfriends in “50 shades games gone wrong” that *she* wanted (considering she is the dead one not him...), people think *unconscious* women and girls are “consenting” whether strangled into unconsciousness or drugged or sleeping..., and another woman was literally choked to death during throat rape by the man she loved (the focus in that courtroom and the media? His allegedly big dick--how could he have helped himself, not killed her, with such a big cock? Injuring women with big dicks is so entertaining n humourous!). A male sadist is more likely to kill you than give you an amazing time in bed. More likely to claim it’s all fun n games when numerous women accuse him of sexual, physical and psychological abuse than actually help those or any other women have a good time in bed.

[artificialqueens]

Unlawful Affairs (Shalaska) - Thomo

(A/N: Hey y'all, i just finished my Cop!Sharon and 7/11!Alaska AU for tumblr user sharonsgf. It’s a smutty 2.4k fic of hell, inspired by the fun that comes from her blog’s thirsty anons. Who am I kidding tho? We’re all thirsty for some good lesbian Shalaska ;) Hope this one does ya well, and again I have a witney smut i’m working on, also lesbian au. -and i saw some more requests here that i’m planning on starting soon, so woohoo! Thanks for reading x -Thomo)

Alaska sighed, wrapping her thin jacket around herself as she pushed through the store’s front doors. It was a long day at work, with her customers making messes and not letting anyone know or even attempting to clean them themselves. Plus the usuals that made her day didn’t show up today, specifically the cop that came in every day without fail. Sharon, was it? She wasn’t sure about her name because she was too shy to bring up conversation with the sexy, older woman. Every time the lady would show up, Alaska wouldn’t be at the counter so they’d have no reason to talk. What a disappointment that was. The thing about Sharon is that she didn’t seem like the other cops in her area. She’s just assuming this, but being someone who’s smoked for so long makes it easier to pick others who’ve done the same.

A cold breeze pulled her out of her deep thoughts and she shivered hard. She needs a new jacket but can’t afford one better than the one she’s got so what’s the point really? Alaska huffed out a deep breath and continued her way to her beaten up car. It wasn’t the best, but it got her to work and back. Cheap too. Alaska was almost to her car when she got this eerie sense that someone was following her. Instead of turning around and checking, her anxiety kicked in and she sprinted to her car. Mistake? Maybe, because she didn’t hear only her slapping of her shoes on the pavement when she took off. That only served to freak her out more. Of course when she reached her car she couldn’t find her keys. She spun around, ready to try and fight for her life when she noticed that nobody was there. Well, at least right behind her like she had thought. The cop from her earlier thoughts was roaming around the front of the store and swearing, quite loudly at that. Sighing in relief, she approached the other woman.

“Hello?” she managed to stutter out. “Is something wrong, miss?” Sharon whipped around, her face slack in shock. “You! You work here right?” She practically shouted. Alaska nodded slowly, unsure of where this was going for her. “Well, I know this a lot to ask, but I had a, well, a bad day I guess, and missed my usual fix of cigs and a coke and I really need it and I know you guys just closed but i’m only a few minutes after closing and if you could please let me get my fix I’d be so grateful and do anything for this in return.” Sharon huffed and was shaking, either from the cold or maybe the “withdrawal” from her apparent usuals. Alaska shifted from foot to foot, unsure of whether she was allowed to do this. She gave in to the pleading look in the cop’s eyes and nodded her head. This had better not get her fired.

Upon unlocking and opening the doors, immediately the lights flickered on. Alaska turned around and locked the front doors so nobody else could come in, that’d just be her luck to have someone else wanna come in for some after-hours snackage. She shook her head and flipped her hair over her shoulder at the counter, waiting for the cop to grab her coke. She almost went and grabbed her regular choice pack, but figured that’d be kinda creepy to just know what she wanted without having her ask. Again, Alaska wasn’t at the counter when Sharon showed up. Quickly, Sharon jogged up to the counter and placed her coke down. “Uh, I’ll have the ones on the top left.” she muttered, pulling out her wallet from her fanny pack. Nice, Alaska loved the fanny pack trend. She turned around and reached for a pack, her shirt riding up in the process. Sharon bit her lip at the sight of the pale skin being exposed before turning away. She may be a cop, but that didn’t give her an excuse to perv on people.

“Thanks, Alaska?” Sharon glanced down at the worker’s breast for her name tag. “Cute name.” she grinned and handed the money over to the cashier. Alaska blushed and took the cash. “Well what’s your name?” she asked like she didn’t already know. Well, at least like she thought she knew. “It’s Sharon.” she winked and began to walk away, she really needed a smoke at this point. “Wait!” Alaska called. She blushed when Sharon turned around with a slight look of irritation and confusion on her face. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted to say, she just knew she wasn’t ready to let Sharon leave. “I, uh, well…” she stuttered, looking down. “I just wanted to know if maybe you’d like to hang out sometime?” she didn’t dare look up, not being able to handle what might be the expression Sharon held. There was a soft chuckle and then footsteps heading towards her. “Look at me, Laska.” Her eyes slightly widened at the nickname and her head shot up almost instantly at the sure command. The cop was smirking, sipping on her coke.

“Yeah, let’s hang out. I’m actually off the clock right now. Just got off before I came here. Is right now a good time for you?” the smirk never left Sharon’s face. Alaska only blushed further and squeaked out a small ‘yes’. The 7/11 employee re-shutdown the store and met with the shorter blonde outside. They both agreed on meeting at Sharon’s, one because it was closer and two Alaska prefered that because her place was a mess at the moment and she was sure her roommates wouldn’t appreciate her bringing a cop into their apartment when it smelt like weed and sex. Not that she thought Sharon would mind or be upset about, but it would be a big deal to her roommates because they haven’t been near her enough. Alaska tried to shake her thoughts of her roommates away, now was not the time to think about those fools. She was about to spend personal time with her admire-from-afar crush. In all her luck, she never thought that she’d get to chill with someone like Sharon. By that, she means a laidback cop.

As they both pulled up to Sharon’s, Alaska could feel her nerves start to rise. What if this was some sort of trick? What if Sharon could tell Alaska was into recreational drug use and planned on ambushing her after getting her to confess? Her grip on the steering wheel tightened at the thought of misplaced trust. She has an opportunity to get the fuck outta there now, but did she really wanna waste a chance of romance? Well, if not romance, a good fucking was always an option. Closing her eyes, she inhaled and exhaled slowly. Fuck it, she thought, and threw her car down open. Alaska heard a squeal and was instantly worried. She opened her eyes and saw a slightly disgruntled Sharon glaring at her. “You almost hit me, ya cunt!” though her words were sharp, there was no bite to her tone. ‘Laska sighed in relief and finally left the comfort of her old car. “Sorry ‘bout that, Shar, didn’t realize you’d be so close..” she mumbled as she approached the other woman. Sharon just shook her head and gently grabbed Alaska’s arm. “Let’s just get inside before you do something else risky ‘without realizing it.’” they both nervously giggled and made their ways indoors.

Once inside, you could visibly see Sharon relax. She plopped down on her own couch and pulled out a cigarette, finally able to smoke comfortably. Sharon noticed Alaska awkwardly floating by the front door so she patted the spot next to her. “Wanna smoke?” she offered, holding out a new stick to her. Alaska shrugged, taking the unlit cig and sitting next to Sharon. The older woman leaned over and pressed her lit cigarette to Alaska’s unlit one, allowing her to light it. They grinned at each other and exhaled the smoke. “So, how often do you work there?” Sharon asked, lazily stretching and kicking her feet up onto her front table. The other girl shrugged in response, taking a long hit off her cigarette. “At least 5 times a week, sometimes all day, too. Depending on the staff available that day.” Sharon nodded, then asked a question that kinda stung. “How come I don’t ever see ya there?” Alaska looked away, shrugging again, not trusting her voice to not come off pointed. The cop looked over the lanky girl, trying to figure out how a girl like her didn’t end up becoming a model. She had the look down, tall, thin, beautiful even at first glance. Alaska looked back to Sharon and was shocked to find her staring at her. Her face was stoic so she didn’t know how to feel at the prolonged examination. Even though her brain didn’t know how to feel, her body was reacting. A blush spread across her face and her stomach twisted pleasantly.

“What? Is there something on my face?” Alaska snapped, thoroughly removing Sharon from her dazed thoughts. Their eyes met, causing Alaska to blush even harder. “Not yet, but if you want, there can be.” Sharon winked and took another puff from her cigarette, blowing the smoke away from them both. Alaska was amazed at Sharon’s forwardness. Her dominant personality and way of flirting definitely got to her head. She wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing at this point. What she did know was that she was taking to long to respond to the offer, instead staring at Sharon with her mouth open and eyes wide. Sharon’s face fell as she thought that maybe she went a little too far with the flirting. They had only just met, maybe Alaska wasn’t into the whole lust-at-first-sight thing. Sharon couldn’t say the same, but she did respect others boundaries. “Sorry, Lasky, that was a joke… Well not really but you can take it as one if it made you uncomfortable.” Sharon rubbed the back of her neck and her faced heated up. Usually girls responded quite well to her upfrontness, at least on a sexual level. Doesn’t mean everyone will, she thought to herself. Alaska physically shook herself and started to panic. “No, no no no no, it’s not like that, I just- I’m not used to, uh, someone being so direct with me.” she smiled sheepishly for making Sharon feel like that. “I actually, if it’s still on the table, would like to take you up on that offer?”

Heat rolled through Sharon’s stomach. Alaska was literally the most adorable person she’s met, being flustered just from Sharon’s words. Even though Sharon was mostly a dominant person, the thought of Alaska’s touch made her weak at the knees. She would probably do anything to please her. Which wasn’t normal for Sharon, usually she was the one being pampered and such in bed. Of course, always in control, but still. “Of course, Lasky. Let’s head to my room?” Alaska shook her head no and pointed to the couch. “I want it to be here.” Sharon didn’t tell her no, and she didn’t want to tell her no. “Lay down for me, baby, okay? Be a pretty angel and spread out as much as you can.” Sharon stroked Alaska’s cheek. Being the more submissive type, Alaska did as she was told. First, though, she pulled off her work shirt and slid off her pants, wanting to get more comfortable for what’s to come. Sharon stood and stripped, winking at Alaska when she noticed the lust in her eyes at her now naked body. “Like what ya see, pumpkin?” Alaska just dumbly nodded and silently begged Sharon to come closer by doing the classic ‘grabby hands’ move. She chuckled but did move to Alaska’s side.

Sharon straddled herself above Alaska’s face and shuddered. The hungry look in the younger’s eyes made her core wetten further. Alaska licked her own lips, watching Sharon glisten right in front of her. She tugged the woman’s hips down to connect her lips to Sharon’s lower ones. Alaska passionately licked and kissed Sharon’s wetness, soaking her face with what couldn’t make it to her mouth. Above her, Sharon was gasping and moaning, trying to hold back from fulling sitting on Alaska’s face and grinding herself to release. Alaska could tell that Sharon was holding herself back, so she stopped moving her tongue. Sharon whined and gently pushed herself against the lower’s face, still trying to not grind down. Alaska didn’t move, she simply laid there with her mouth on Sharon, daringly looking her in the eyes. Sharon whimpered and gave in, not being able to handle the lack of pleasure any longer. She moved her body over Alaska’s mouth, verbally begging for Alaska to fuck her with her tongue. Once her tongue was inside of Sharon and she could feel her clench around it, Alaska’s fingers went to her own pussy. She fingered herself while Sharon bounced on her face, not hard enough to her Alaska but enough to make her jaw slightly sore from the pressure. Sharon came, her juices leaked over Alaska’s lower face and onto her neck. She moved off of her mouth and sat on her stomach, also moving Alaska’s hand which was deep in her own pussy and replacing it with hers. She fucked her fingers into Alaska hard while her thumb circled and pushed on Alaska’s clit. Not much later Alaska came too, leaking onto the couch and soaking Sharon’s fingers, which she cleaned up by making Alaska lick her own juices off of them.

Sharon leaned over and pressed herself into Alaska, humming happily. “That was super hot, Lasky, we should do it again sometime. Maybe when you’re on break, we could fuck in my cop car?” Alaska blushed and nodded before burying her head into Sharon’s hair. She still didn’t know for sure how Sharon would react to her own lifestyle, but she’d bring it up at a later time. She didn’t wanna ruin the cuddly mood Sharon was in right now. Alaska hasn’t felt this warm, inside out, in many, many years. It was too good to pass up. Eventually the girls fell asleep wrapped up in each other’s arms as they chatted about themselves. Alaska somehow managed to leave out any incriminating facts and stuck to things she thought Sharon wouldn’t mind hearing after a fuck. Alaska’s last thoughts before finally leaving her last conscious state: How was she going to explain to her roommates that she was fucking a cop?

[aceyanaheim]

I feel like a lot of the misconceptions about sex and romance are really two-sided.

Like you have people who believe romance and sex are e v e r y t h i n g in relationships. That they’re the end goal and the most important person in your life and that...leads to really toxic mentalities.

( and there’s already a lot of toxic behaviour in romance and its portrayal in fiction. No. Pursuing a person after they tell you no is not romantic. It’s pushy. And creepy. No, checking your s/o’s texts because you think they might be talking to someone isn’t acceptable. You’re policing their behaviour. Get counselling or break up. No, thinking that your s/o shouldn’t spend time with or be invested with people both of their same or different sex isn’t actually healthy either -and it costs me a lot of friends- it is so not my fault that you’re with someone you think is gonna cheat on you the moment we hang out. And it begs the question why are you with someone you think is gonna cheat on you the moment we hang out. That sounds exhausting. )

Get rid of the belief that romance is the central relationship in everyone’s life. Get rid of the belief that being romantically interested in someone means they are now your closest person ever.

( If I date someone for a month...do you think they’re gonna be as close to me as friends that I’ve had for years? No. Of course not. Being romantic doesn’t inherently put them on that level. Yes, I’m romantically attracted to them but..it’s..it’s been a month. That’s it. romance doesn’t always equal number 1 in closeness and intimacy. It just measn...we do romantic things. )

You can’t give your s/o their friend’s companionship. You can only give them yours. They’re going to have other people in their life. They might even spend a lot of time with those people.

And that’s okay.

If it’s not okay with you. Then you need to re-evaluate why you’re in that relationship.

The main reason I have a hard time getting behind emotional cheating is that...a lot of the descriptions seem to fall under “xe spend time with other people. Xe has a connection with someone else”

And I’m not gonna invalidate anyone’s experience. If you feel cheated on, you feel cheated on. And I’m sorry.

But...a lot of them seem to fall under the description of  “xe should only be doing this with me.” and “this” goes from talking a lot, to things that could fall under a really close friendship.

It’s entirely possible it’s been explained to me wrong.

The problem I have with a lot of posts on it is that while, yes they explain a single experience...I feel like people might not take it that way.

Like...I’ve seen relationships where the girl flirts with other guys...and girls. And the boyfriend's okay with it. I’ve known them since high school they’re still going strong.

I’ve seen relationships where the guy spends a lot of time with his friends, most of which are girls. They got a house together. They’re opening a business together. They’re planning to adopt. She has never been jealous or had a problem with it.

So when I see that put under the general label of “cheating”...it kinda falls a bit flat.

I think cheating becomes so when the person knows they like that person romantically and pursues them. But I don’t think that means, spending and investing time with someone else, or even flirting ( because some people are just flirty, and some people are just friendly and it gets confused as flirting and again, some s/o’s don’t mind because different boundaries) and maybe that’s why it’s tricky.

Everyone has a different level of what they call intimacy and things that they’re okay with in a relationship. If yours don’t match your partners, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship.

But it’s a very case by case thing it seems to me.

And spending time with people = cheating is just....what are Deep Friendships? Am I a bad person?

Another toxic connotation I hear a lot is that sex is somewhat vital to relationships.

You’ll hear a lot about how sex is the closest way for people to be. About how it’s this pure connection between only people who love each other.

No.

Like flat out. I don’t not-love my partners because I’m asexual.

I can, in fact, become close and intimate to people without banging them. 

Sex isn’t this glorious thing that is inherently pure and good. It’s not this ultimate way to be close to someone. It’s just sex.

And for that matter neither is romance.

I feel like there’s also this interesting countering side of it where romance is “pure” but sex is just...I guess not? Unessesary, vulgar, shameless.

Which...is also hella toxic.

Having a relationship where you only hold hands and cuddle, and make gooey faces at each other isn’t inherently superior or better or “purer” or even healthier to one that is mostly physical or sexual.

Just as we all have different ideas and levels of intimacy we all have different levels for what we need in physical relationships. I’m so tired of this hierarchy. No one’s better than anyone. We’re just different.

There’s nothing wrong with sex. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. There’s nothing wrong with kinks and toys ( can we get the word deviance the f outta here please?). There’s nothing wrong with a FWB relationship. There’s nothing wrong with making out for hours, french kissing, long drawn out kisses with a slow steady build up and a big bang at the end.

There’s nothing wrong with a relationship that’s mostly this. If that’s what you’re looking for. There’s nothing wrong with casually dating someone because it’s fun. There’s nothing wrong with friends having sex. There’s nothing wrong with romantic partners not having sex.

There’s nothing wrong with any of these relationships. All that really matters here is how the people in it feel. If that’s your cup of tea no one should have any hang ups about it.

If you’re in a relationship that’s not your cup of tea.....open your mouth and speak to your partner. Because they might just have a different barometer.

If your partner ignores what you’re comfortable with after you talk to them. Yeah, it’s time for a breakup. Or...counseling I guess. Better communication can sometimes bring about compromises that can save a relationship from the brink. But you need to do something.

But don’t ever get caught up in this line of thinking that...any form of the relationships above in inherently inferior or bad or superior. You’re not better than someone who dates casually because you have a life long partner. Maybe that person doesn’t  want a lifelong partner at the moment, maybe they’re just looking to relieve stress and have fun. That is an A-okay reason to pursue someone. As long as the person engaging in the dating/sex is aware and okay and also happy with this arrangement. 

All a relationship really boils down to is two -or more- people who get something from it that makes them happy and for that, they need to communicate as to what makes them happy.  

Sane Safe and Consensual . As long as you stick to that, no one should be telling you how to live.

[kyberled]

SHIPPING INFO // Answer the following for your muse(s) so people know how shipping works on your blog.

REPOST. Don’t reblog.

What’s your OTP for your Muse?:  Honestly I’m slain by Braiba with @rvcnge and Braigsoka with @ashsung so I mean both of those he’s just shook by his SOs 24/7

What are you willing to RP when it comes to shipping?: Pretty much anything? Though I will say sex/general smut is not a huge thing for this muse. It’s not a hard no as much as it is a ‘probably won’t happen often’, and obviously it would only happen in his adult verses and won't be written with muns or muses who are underage, and I prefer ooc chats beforehand to set boundaries and comfort levels, even if only for my sake. I’d rather take five-ten minutes to chat than make a friend/myself feel gross cause a line got unknowingly overstepped. Oh, I’m also against writing abusive relationships, both because they do the opposite of detoxing for me and because shipping is the only nice thing I let Braig have. I’m absolutely not against Braig having enemies and all that, but in terms of romance/familial I try to keep it nice and healthy.

How large does the age gap have to be to make it uncomfortable?: Okay so it depends? Obviously I won’t ship a minor with an adult (Unless it’s like a pre-established ship, like Braiba, where Boba’s three years younger than Braig; If they’ve been dating for a few years and Braig turns 18 while Boba’s 15, I’m not gonna burn that bridge cause that’s ridiculous. No smut or anything [tho that’s not a thing w/ these boys anyway], but yeah). So like no master-padawan ship here (Ofc that’s also not a problem cause Obi’s his dad; but this goes for Braig being a master too), uh... Usually 20 years is too much for me? So like 20 year old with a 40 y/o? No. A general rule I use is half Braig’s age plus seven? So like 20 y/o braig could date a 17-y/o, but in this case I’d keep it as someone he was dating as a teenager himself, so like if we’re continuing Braiba and they’ve been dating for like say five plus years? Or since the gap is 3 he could date a 23 year old? 30 = 15+7 = 22? But a lot of the time it depends. I don’t like huge gaps but as long as it’s all consensual and it’s all reasonable like... Okay I’m ranting but the long and short of it is I really have no specifics as long as it’s not like “I was voting age before you were conceived” 

Are you selective when shipping?: Absolutely. I’ve had two really bad experiences with people trying to ship with me right off the bat, before I knew them or their characters, one of which was actually pretty squicky (aka claiming [publicly] that I was aggravating their depression and whatnot whenever I didn’t have my character kiss theirs as soon as they first met) that really made me anxious and uncomfy so. I pretty much have to know the mun and muse or else shipping is a no-go.

How far do steamy moments have to go before they’re considered NSFW?: Honestly if anything happens in the groin area, it’s nsfw.  If breasts are involved, it’s nsfw.  Other touching or steamy kissing is not, but certain ‘dirty talk’ might also be tagged nsfw if it gets too explicit. <- Honestly I’m just going with Liz on this one. Anything I wouldn’t want my eight-year-old kid brother seeing will be tagged either NSFW or (if it’s just kissing) PDA. I’m not the only one with lil kiddos potentially seeing the screen.

Who are other muses you ship your muse with?: I don’t really have any other ships yet? I gotta give it some time and interaction but yeah. In terms of platonic/familial ships: Cody ( @itspersonalforus ) (and also Liz’s Mace and Quinlan); OBVIOUSLY the Space Dad Obinobi ( @highgrcund ); Shaak, Mars’ usually but other space moms are in league; @ashsung‘s Ashla and Puk; @n1hr1k as the uncle; @wolffeleader as brother; @duskisms is sister; @estrellarosada as mom/aunt; @fugitivc is another aunt; and hell if you’ve been on this blog you know that there are a million other famjams

Does one have to ask to ship with you?: If there’s chemistry, and we’re buds ooc, then chances are I’ll be shipping it as well? So far everything I’ve been shipping has been mutual which is rad? But I’m a bit of an awkward bean so I REALLY appreciate people telling me ‘hey, our muses work really well together, I think we could ship.’ I mean even then I prefer letting it play out, but I will otherwise just sort of dance around it for a long time before I can work the courage up to say so myself?

How often do you like to ship?: Whenever there’s a spark my compadre. 

Are you multiship?: Absolutely. Each one takes place in a different timeline/verse unless all involved parties have discussed otherwise, but yeah!!! I love putting different relationships out and seeing everything that goes down. Also, Braig can’t choose between his SOs, don’t ask him to try.

Are you ship obsessed or ship more-or-less?: As long as Braig is happy and the other folks are into it, I will scream about it and send asks and just rant and rave for days bruhski. Again, it’s the only nice thing the muse really gets so it’s the best way to get him happy and active!!!

What is your favorite ship in your current fandom?: Braigsoka and Braiba are the only ones I have and I could survive off them and only them for a decade each

Finally, how does one ship with you?: Get to know me and my muse (BY INTERACTING AND THREADING, not by reading my blog from the shadows, cause then I won’t know you; gotta be a two-way thing) and then if it works and it feels good to you just hit me up? Like seriously as long as we’re chill and comf with each other I’m down to dougie friendo

TAGGED BY: @itspersonalforus

TAGGING: literally every mutual and anyone who ever wanted to ship with Braig and anyone who also likes kitty cat toe beans

[nicoolios]

Days Past

Here’s my gift to @laceandlyrium for the @holidayharbinger gift exchange. Hope you like it!

“How you proceed is up to you, Rosie. I say romance. Candles. Bubble baths. Dinner. Unless more intimate. Then alone time. Should inspect you first. Want to make sure you’re fine. Unless you prefer Chakwas-”

“Mordin, please. Not necessary. I don’t even know what we’re doing yet.” Her mind supplied the word date, causing a deep blush. It was her first time planning a private outing with Kaidan since the destruction of the Normandy SR-1 and she was nervous as all get out. They had done things together before since Huerta, but they had all been group activities. Alone was terrifying. “And if I remember correctly, all I asked for was life advice. Not detailed analysis of my sex life.”

“Ah, yes. Apologies. Carry on, then.”

Sighing heavily, Rosie left the med bay. Served her right for asking the overeager salarian about interpersonal relationships. Nothing was ever straightforward anymore. Not in her professional life, her social life, and now apparently her love life. Her trip to Mordin hadn’t been entirely useless, though. An idea began to take shape in her mind. She toyed with it as she prepared a cup of tea. As it brewed she became lost in thought, wondering how on Earth she was to reconcile her relationship with Kaidan. Instinctually Rosie felt the need to be in charge of the whole affair. It was in her nature to look out for others and solve their problems however she could. Ever since she could remember she always classified herself as the “mom friend.” As she grew older and joined the Alliance, therefore being introduced to the exotic new species the galaxy had to offer, only cemented the personality trait. Other races didn’t view it as strange, leading to some very awkward late night chats about boundaries.

But all her friends got wise of the situation and insisted she should step back. Let somebody else do the work for once. Let the man prove his respect, her worth to him. Eventually they wore her down. Relinquishing control wasn’t easy for someone born to be in command. Consequently she had nothing to do today. The Normandy was docked at the Citadel and most its occupants enjoying the change of scenery. Even Joker convinced EDI to attend a movie with him. All that was well and good. Rosie had no desire to leave before noon. The Normandy was home more than the Citadel would ever be. Her training prevented appreciation of sudden drastic change. A few days before Anderson gave her permission to use his local apartment, but doing so felt wrong. Like he was giving away his possessions in preparation for death. So long as he was alive Rosie refused to treat it as her own.

There was always Silverson Strip. Arcades and fighting arenas were nice when joined by friends. Otherwise alone it felt like work. The Citadel remained relatively untouched by the war. Why taint it with a war relic? Besides, Rosie liked the quiet. It wasn’t often total silence enveloped the mess hall. Even the warp core took a rest. Steam twirled up in gentle plumes from the mug. The tan liquid wobbled slightly in her shaking hands. Cerberus repaired old tendon damage brought upon by years of abuse, but machinery wore down. Computers failed. Sophisticated wiring didn’t hold up to days of use and no proper care or rest. Hands able to steady a gun couldn’t hold a mug properly. Quite sad.

A hand slapped her shoulder out of nowhere, resulting in spilled tea soaking her shirt. Rosie yelped in surprise and pain. The scalding liquid forced her frantic spin to the sink next to her. Hurriedly she blotted her chest. As the tea was absorbed by the towel she glanced up to see Tali standing eagerly before her. The young quarrian seemed way too excited about something. She bounced on her toes, her fingers deciding whether to intertwine or reach out to Rosie. She apparently decided a mix of the two was best. Rosie set the towel aside to give her friend her whole attention. “What’s got you all worked up?”

If Tali hadn’t been wearing a face mask her expression would’ve made it obvious. As it was, she still took Rosie’s hand excitedly. “I was wondering if you would allow me to assist you in your daytime preparations? Like you used to help me before we went to the Citadel?”

“You mean when you asked if we could play dress up because you were bored?” Her dipped head confirmed her answer. This is what she got for making friends with young, impressionable girls. Still, perhaps some good would come out of it. “Fine. Yes. But only because I have no idea what to do.”

“Oh, this will be such fun!” she squealed. “Come on while the day is still young.” She grabbed Rosie’s hand to lead her to her cabin.

What followed was a very long, very complex, very…interesting game of “Making Rosie Look Presentable.” Her hair was pulled in a million different directions. Numerous shades of makeup painted her face, combinations never thought possible attempted. Dress after dress was shoved over her head only to be tossed aside. As the couch slowly became swamped, so did the coffee table under piles of everything else: shoes, jewelry, and the like. The entire contents of her closet were turned inside out until Tali found the perfect match. Rosie’s hair was swept up in a messy braided crown. Her eyelids were dusted with green, her lips silver, and her nails a lighter mix of the two. Her dress draped low over her back, scooping her chest in a wave of sparkles. The whole thing was a deep grassy green, knee-length and skintight. On her neck was a simple charm, a Christmas gift from Ashley years ago. Last but not least, strappy silver heels clung to her feet.

All in all Rosie felt overly dolled up, like she was attending a wedding instead of wandering the Citadel. Was all this really necessary? Just to impress rich civilians who didn’t give a damn about what she was trying to do? Tali admired her handiwork for a split second. It was rather impressive, its unpracticality notwithstanding, given its source. Standing before the bathroom mirror, Rosie had to admit she looked good. She thanked Tali while leading her to the elevator. Now she had to go out. They made it as far as the galaxy map before the pinging of the personal computer drew her attention. Only a skeleton crew remained on the ship; those out and about more than likely had their omni tools on them. There was no need for the computer to be receiving messages. “Go on ahead,” she told her friend, urging her towards the airlock. Eyeing the flashing image, Rosie clicked the box.

Hey Rosie,

Sorry I had to tell you this through text. You were so busy I didn’t want to bother you with something unimportant. Meet me at Apollo’s at noon for lunch? Figured you could use a distraction and besides, they still have steak on the menu.

Meet you there. Kaidan

It wasn’t automatically stamped with his rank and job title, meaning he took the time to type it out personally. He knew she had nothing to do today, knew they needed some personal time to sort out whatever their relationship was. The man knew more than she ever would. How could she say no to the flood of memories returning at the sight of his name? From their post-mission chats on the SR-1 to the endless lonely nights hunting Collectors to the hell that was their trip to Mars. The clock on the edge of the screen read 11:30. Either she must leave now or feign ignorance.

Rosie bolted to the door. Running was so much harder in heels. Curse Tali for bypassing the comfortable boots. Wait a minute. Tali’s dress up request seemed awfully convenient after reading the message. It was almost like she knew Kaidan planned an outing. Highly suspicious. Regardless she rushed to the nearest cab station and summoned a ride. The trip was relatively short, thank the stars, and the driver accepted her credit chit with ease. Now running looked out of place. Toning it down to a brisk walk, Rosie passed oblivious citizens and hyper security alike. Then, standing at the base of the stairs leading to the restaurant, she saw him. Too late to back out now.

He sat at a table overlooking the lake, staring at the intricacy of the artificial sun illuminating the calm water. A menu and glass of beer already sat before him. He didn’t notice her at first, but when he did, he smiled warmly. He knew something she didn’t. He managed to surprise Commander Shepard.

Kaidan rushed to pull a seat for her. Rosie sat awkwardly, feeling too dressed up and noting each set of eyes lingering on them. Not every day two war heroes enjoyed a casual lunch date in public. “Why’d you ask over e-mail? And why did Tali know before me?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Kaidan replied, “You were so busy with psych evals I wanted to give you some time. And I know you two spent a lot of time together on the first Normandy. It always ended with you in a good mood. I miss this side of you.”

She blushed. She knew Kaidan loved their time together before she was spaced, knew she loved her breaks from the job with Ashley, Tali, and Liara. “This side of me isn’t out there saving lives. The entire galaxy depends on me. Every minute I’m not out there fighting more innocent people die.”

“I don’t intend to keep you from that, Rosie. But we need to talk.”

“What’s there to talk about?” Horizon. Suicide mission. Staying faithful. Revival. House arrest with no visits. Mars. Cerberus. Saying I’m a husk. “You made your side pretty clear when you called me a terrorist and equated me to a damn abomination.”

The waiter saved an immediate response by collecting drink orders. The alcohol would be welcome. Kaidan pretended to peruse the menu while he thought of how to word his answer. “Rosie, you know I’m more than sorry about that. I should’ve known you’d never return to Cerberus.”

It was an apology she’d heard a thousand times before. But this time, with the setting and atmosphere and him actively trying to start anew, it felt more…believable. Like it was said enough ties to breech her hardened exterior. “What if I accept your apology? We can’t pretend none of this ever happened. You still said some nasty things, I still ignored you…”

Their drinks were set before them and food ordered. Kaidan’s promise of steak held true. A long discussion ensued, starting at square one and only moving forward. Their sandwiches disappeared followed by their drinks. Despite Rosie’s observation of death lurking everywhere, they even took a walk around the Presidium. By the end their heads were clear, their hearts full, and their sense of purpose renewed. Come late afternoon they found themselves enjoying the Silverson Strip. Laughing harder than she had in ages, Rosie admitted this was a great decision. She might even have a future with her old flame. Come nightfall, they even found themselves leaving the casino in favor of her cabin on the Normandy. The night was old, but they were young. And Rosie wouldn’t have it any other way.