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hitwizards · 4 years ago

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❝ i would rather die of passion than boredom ❞

huh, who’s DARREN BARNET? no, you’re mistaken, that’s actually TEDDY LUPIN. he is a THIRTY ONE year old HALFBLOOD wizard who is a HIT WIZARD. he is known for being ABSENTMINDED, GULLIBLE, IMPATIENT, IMPRUDENT, and IMPETUOUS but also STEADFAST, AFFABLE, NURTURING, UNINHIBITED, and JAUNTY, so that must be why he always reminds me of the song WHAT I GOT BY SUBLIME and ASH TRAY FULL OF DISCARDED CIGARETTE BUDS, COLORFUL HAWAIIAN SHIRTS AND LEATHER JACKETS, MAGICAL TATTOOS THAT SHIFT AND CHANGE, TOUSLED HAIR THAT CHANGES COLOR DAILY, BOISTEROUS LAUGHTER, BRUISED KNUCKLES, MISMATCHED SOCKS, WIDE RECKLESS GRINS, and SCARS WITH UNTOLD STORIES. i hear he is aligned with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX, so be sure to keep an eye on him.

unless you are part of potterhq pls don’t reblog/interact

GENERAL

FULL NAME: Edward Remus Lupin NICKNAME(S): Teddy, Ted AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: 31, 04/14/1998 OCCUPATION: Hitwizard GENDER: Cis Man PRONOUNS: He/Him/His HOMETOWN: Yorkshire, England CURRENT RESIDENCE: Edinbrugh, Scotland ALMA MATTER: Hogwarts, Hufflepuff House BLOOD STATUS: Halfblood

BIOGRAPHY

i’ll write something formal soon. but have some of my scattered af thoughts so far:

PARENTAL DEATH TW. first thing’s first - since this is a lil canon divergent there comes the question: are remus and tonks alive? yes and no. nymphadora tonks is still alive and well, even still working as an auror and living their best life (unless someone takes tonks up and changes it, get spicy if you want). remus on the other hand is not. after a life filled with adversity and trials, but very much love, remus john lupin passed away at the age of 43 - shockingly early for a wizard, though werewolf life expectancy was a lot shorter back then. teddy was only 5 years old. he doesn’t remember a lot about his father. he remembers his scratchy old sweaters, his jackets with elbow patches on them, and his scarred up face that didn’t seem so scary whenever he smiled widely at him. everything else that teddy knows about remus is from family and friends and his mother, who like to tell him everything he wants to know. it’s almost like he knew him for more than a handful of years.

DEATH TW. yes, harry was teddy’s godfather - and considering remus didn’t make it for long, he was kind of like a father figure to him. but teddy wasn’t exactly raised by harry. tonks was still around, so he had a parent, but he also had his grandmother andromeda and grandfather ted (after whom he’s named) to help with raising him. and he was basically adopted into the “wotter” fold, so he has more relatives and parental figures than a boy could ask for. but outside of his immediate family, he was rather close to his godfather harry - and hasn’t really coped with the fact that he’s gone. feeling a brotherly love for the potter children, teddy chose to be brave in the face of loss in order to be a reliable shoulder for them to lean on, someone strong for them. deep down he’s utterly broken up about it, and is probably going to break down eventually. that’s two dads he’s lost in his short life. someone give him juice and a hug.

before this most recent tragedy, teddy was a pretty chipper guy. he’d always been an optimist and a happy go lucky kid. his youth was spent running around the burrow with his extended family/friends and on adventures with his mum. tonks wanted him to be a happy kid, especially after remus was gone, and so the two spent a lot of time just going around and having fun. they’re thick as thieves, and when it had come time to go to hogwarts the only qualms he had was in leaving his mother. he had been attached to her hip, but he found himself comfortable in due time. following in tonks’s footsteps he ended up a hufflepuff, though he could have been a gryffindor. he could be boisterous and rowdy when he wanted to be, but above all else he was a kind and just boy, caring and loyal to a fault. he’s always been a wee bit of a nurturer, though that may have to do with being raised around the large wotter clan, of which he is eldest so he took a lot of pride in watching after the little ones. but that responsibility didn’t keep him from being a fun and mischief loving boy.

as soon as he left hogwarts, he entered into the auror training program with hopes to work beside his mother. he actually graduated from that and would have continued that path but eventually he found himself more interested in the hit wizard division and took up a post there. he’s been working as a hit wizard since, going on some pretty wild missions to track down dark wizards. he loves the job, even with its risks and hazards, and deep down he hopes that his father would be proud of his line of work.

per the expectation of many, teddy dated his childhood and family friend victoire weasley. as far as first romances/young love goes, it was pretty great. they’d known each other their whole lives, which meant that there wasn’t as much awkwardness or discomfort in being himself around her, none of that “getting to know you” stage. they already knew each other, what was there to be embarrassed about? the pair had dated a decent amount of time... that was until the decision for victoire’s healing training came up. when talk of training in france came along, teddy was faced with a somewhat difficult decision: support her growth even if it meant going far away for a bit or try and convince her to stay. he’s never been a selfish guy, so the answer had come pretty quickly. and france wasn’t that far - not when apparition and portkeys were a thing. surely they could make it work... except they didn’t. communication was not their speciality it turned out, so when teddy eagerly encouraged her to go train abroad their relationship crumbled. to this day he doesn’t really understand why. outwardly he acts pretty cool and indifferent, almost as if it doesn’t phase him, and enough time has passed where he’s basically accepted it as over, but deep down he questions what the hell happened there and what things would have been like now if he hadn’t been so passive about his desire to make it work out. he tries not to dwell on that, though - things happen and he kinda goes with the flow when they do.

when it comes to conflict and war, there was really only one side for teddy to take. of course he went with the order - what else was he going to do? his parents were in the order. his family was in the order. when it came down to it, he knew that he had to join their ranks and fight for their cause. it wasn’t even a question, and he doesn’t regret the choice to take up arms. as a hitwizard it’s his job to apprehend dark wizards and stop them from harming the community, so he was pretty much already doing as much. he won’t hesitate to do what’s expected and to fight. this is the kind of thing his father fought for, and that his godfather would stand up and fight for. teddy feels that, per their memory, it’s his duty to do so - especially as more of his friends and family join the fight as well. he feels a deep obligation to be there to protect them and fight beside them. the last thing he wants is to lose anyone else, and he would willingly throw himself in front of them if it meant saving their lives. and if it came down to it, he’s ready to put his life on the line for the entire cause. anything to see a better tomorrow.

idk my thoughts are so scattered like i’ll be editing the shit outta this over the next few days so tune in.

MISC

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Biromantic LANGUAGES: English, Gobbledegook FAMILY: Nymphadora Tonks (mother), Remus John Lupin (father) †, Andromeda Tonks (maternal grandmother), Ted Tonks (maternal grandfather), Lyall Lupin (paternal grandfather) †, Hope Lupin (maternal grandmother) †, Harry Potter (godfather) †, many many others PETS: a toller named Lenox FACE CLAIM: Darren Barnet ASTROLOGICAL SIGN: Aries MBTI: TBD PINTEREST: (x)

WANTED CONNECTIONS

hogwarts gang ok

work friends? where the hitwizards at??

idk come at me with whatever.

bonus:

tattoo details:

"je t’aime” written in handwriting that is mostly certainly not teddy’s. he won’t elaborate on this one. it is slowly fading away as the years go by.

lilies which is a clear representation of lily luna potter, whom he considers to be like a sibling. the lilies wilt and bloom with the seasons. he definitely has tattoos for each of the wotters which he has adopted as siblings/cousins, i’m just too damn lazy to come up with them / idk they’re probably in places not visible in this drawing afheiahpfiea

a lightning bolt which is new, it shimmers and shines and represents the man who was like a father for him. a snitch to represent his quidditch days. the snitch flies along his arm.

a wolf which roams his arm and howls whenever its the full moon. there is a hand which is always giving a peace sign, but when teddy is angry a neon yellow outline reveals a hand flashing the middle finger.

marauder’s footprints which sometimes walk along his arm. beneath each set of footprints are initials: JP for James Potter, SB for Sirius Black and RJL for Remus John Lupin.

the andromeda constellation with stars that shimmer and shine during the night time. a match, possibly the only truly aesthetic one. idk i saw it and liked it ahfeiahfpe

some random teddy sketches

#potterintro

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chereche · 8 years ago

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My Failed Love Story (or Why I am now Free)

So this is probably the most personal/emotional I'll ever let myself be in this kind of forum, because you know, for all that I scoff at Astrology and Astrological signs, I have to admit that the analyses that exist for the Scorpio sign pretty much fit me to a tee. It's something I don't remember saying to anyone aloud, well, at least outside of the voices in my head (and god does that sound bit psycho saying it like that), but I think I'm finally ready to vocalise it in some way or another. Doesn't matter who does or does not read it, at least, after this, it would no longer be trapped within the recesses of my mind or soul. I think I just need to get this failed love story out, because I think it puts the final nail into the coffin that I need to completely say goodbye to this part of my life.

I'd thought that she was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. It was a slow-burn, a real slow burner that took years to bring us to the point where I thought would catapult us into the next stage before it all went to hell. It started in 2011 when, surprisingly, she wasn't even around. She was in France for a year. Actually, wait, I should start a little before that. One of my Uni friends started a on-campus job and she was also one of the workers. They'd known each other before vaguely from a previous class but I don't think it was until they started to work together that they actually started to become friends. And so, ever so often, I heard about her, and she seemed interesting enough, but was really just a 'concept' in my mind, a new friend my friend had and so, I had a brief, fleeting interest, but mainly because by then I'd firmly returned to my mother hen roots and wanted to make sure that she wasn't falling in with the 'wrong' kind of people. (She wasn't. They're all (mostly) good to great people and still are).

Eventually I actually met her, and I remember my first thought being, wow, "she's cute". A bit later I ammended that to "she's funny" and later on "she's crazy" but not too long after that, for some reason, I was doing the dance for "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" with her and a then close friend of hers and realised that hey, she's a really cool person. At that point I don't think I was actively out to any of my friends (I wasn't hiding it, it just...never came up) and I knew she had a boyfriend so that was that. (Nearly two years later she'd admit that she thought the same about me) Time passed, she changed boyfriends, we added each other on Facebook and that was that.

Then she went to France, and surprisingly, putting a good few oceans between us made communicating easier. I think her being lonely was part of it, but she started to binge on anime, movies etc and somehow remembered that I liked Sailor Moon, so she started to watch it. I'd come home and find messages from her outlining her favourites etc etc and how she loved Sailor Mercury and that's when we actually started to talk. Then we decided to pull a prank on said friend by bombarding her Facebook, emails etc for her birthday because, why the hell not, and that sort of cemented things. We were actually talking. At one point she 'introduced' me to her boyfriend and we started talking too. (I'd later learn that the reason we seemed to 'click' so easily despite my aversion to talking to new people was that she used to talk to him about me a lot so he, unlike me, had a lot to draw upon).

Things were pretty much normal for the rest of her year in France. I think the first 'turning point' came when it was time to graduate. I didn't want to go to the ceremony anyway, my other friend logged in and registered me for it, and then played all the cards right to make me cave and go, and just like I thought, the worst happened. Just like my Confirmation, my mother refused to go and remembering how I'd spent all the way to my confirmation and back listening to my father lament on my mother being this way I shrugged it off and said that I didn't want anyone there. I think I managed to shake things off for a good while, but I remember damn well near bursting into tears when my name got called and realised that the only people there actually clapping for me because they KNEW me was my friend and her family (The other applause was the generic one the audience gave whenever a First Class Honours recipient was announced). And afterwards, I didn't know what to do. I was still emotional - too emotional - and so I went to where my friend was working that day just to have a familiar face while I tried my best not to break down (I vaguely remember doing so anyway) and she was there. And somehow that led to an impromptu liming session late into the night with her telling me to relax, she'd get me home. She was always with me when my friend wasn't and by the time it was over, I was actually mostly okay. We were in her car waiting for her (then) boyfriend and I remember telling her I'd go in the back seat (you know those social protocols when significant others get to ride shotgun) but she scoffed and said no.

We were out there for a long while waiting on him while he was doing god knows what and we were just talking and she hugged me and started telling me that I would be okay, I was loved etc etc and it just felt so good (she'd later admit that what she really wanted to do was kiss me but although by then I knew she was bi, I think she still didn't know I was gay (although back then I considered myself to be bi).

That night changed everything. We actually started talking a lot more, and I never forgot (and for a long time had saved, a conversation). It was random, almost out of the blue, and even though so much time has passed I still mostly remember it. She said that this was something she had wanted to say to me for a very long while but now, somehow she felt that it was the right time. She said that she'd always liked me from the start, and I was one of the most beautiful people she had ever encountered, and she wanted to take me on a date as soon as possible, because she knew that I was still sad and it was never, ever something she wanted for me. I was blown away, mostly because I hadn't expected that (and she had a boyfriend who I was now semi regularly talking to!) and also because by that point I was in a sort of thing with a co-worker. I think I took a while to reply (mostly because I was in work) but, throwing caution to the wind, I told her that I also thought that she was beautiful, great, etc and that no one had ever said something like that to me before. I think it was nearly a week before I got the creepy crawly feeling that wait, she's in a relationship and more than that I actually talk to the guy so this was wrong. I mentioned it to her that night and then she, then her boyfriend popped up in individual chats, first her saying that he knew how she felt and was okay with it, and then him reassuring me about the same thing, telling me that after that said graduation night she had told him that she really really liked me, and he was okay with it because 1. he sort of liked me too and 2. He understood that since she was bi she would still have those 'urges' and that he would be willing to consider giving her that 'freedom' on the terms that it be with someone whom he could also potentially be involved with to.

It was my first, bonafied exposure to polyamory, and I won't lie, it sort of sent me running to the hills for a while. We still talked but neither of them brought it up again for a long while, and neither did I, and I started to focus more on my co-worker, trying to help her progress so to speak. I had my first kiss with her (in my house while the guy who'd just told me the day before that he really liked her was in my bathroom. Whoops, I know, bit of a dick move there, but I was drunk, she was fucking hot, and I truly, did not care in that moment). She was the first one I talked to about it and she was supportive etc etc. A few weeks later she actually met her because I'd brought my co-worker to my University to see what options she had for enrolling. Later on she'd tell me that she liked her but didn't, and my co-worker and I fizzled out a few weeks later because the same bad-treatment she gave her ex she started to throw my way and I realised that I had no reason to take it when I literally had two people in the wings). Somewhere around that time was also a drunken night while I was in the next island. I'd had way too fucking much to drink (one of two times) and texted things to people I really would have never voiced otherwise and honestly didn't really feel. She helped me work through that, and after I was done panicking and things returned to normal, she admitted that she was a bit cross that I wasn't one of the people who got drunk messages because that meant that I wasn't on her mind.

Things kicked up a notch then. I worked in an institution with Latin Americans who were fucking gorgeous, and one day I posted a picture of me with one of them and she commented that she'd never seen someone so beautiful except she'd never realised she wore glasses and wait...the person wearing glasses was me. After that I'd say that we basically got our flirt way on and we continued that for a while. My perception of time actually gets a bit blurry from say May 2013 until late 2014.

In between there were some key moments. I started to sleep over at her place ever so often because she kept inviting me to limes and since I lived so far away and didn't have a rride I'd have to keep turning it down. The first time was awkward. One of her boyfriend's friends kept hitting on me and I was too awkward too know how to handle it so I took to just shadowing her. We ended up together in her window seat watching people play pool etc just talking and cuddling. Her boyfriend joined s once and somehow I realised that oh, this was what they meant because even though he was flirting and kissing her ever so often, he was also being gentle/affectionate with me and at one point I found myself playing with the chain he wore. Nothing came of it because she realised that I'd just about reached my limit for what I was willing to engage in, especially in relation to him, and once everyone left we called it a night. I was in the guest room downstairs, she hung out a bit with me down there before finally going up, and yeah that was that. The next time found the two of us once again sneaking away, this time up to her bedroom while we just left the boys to be boys. I think we were a hairsbreadth from actually making out when her boyfriend entered and while he went to shower and really assured us that everything was fine on his end I wasn't comfortable with what his presence would mean and so, nothing happened. (She'd later tell me that she wanted to kill him for coming in at that point).

Shortly after that they brought up that previously unmentioned conversation again and this time things were laid out a lot more bluntly. She wanted me romantically (and everything that entailed) and he well...he wanted me sexually with a side of potential romance. Now this right here should have been warning sign number two for me. Number one was her flirting with me while being in a relationship with him in the first place, but I was too young and naive back there to see the red flag for what it was. Looking back now I have to laugh because how could I not expect the ending that came to all of this? I wanted her. I won't lie, I fucking wanted her. She made me feel special and loved in a way that I've never felt before, but still, I couldn't commit to it because of him. It was always because of him. I pulled up a separate chat with her and admitted the truth to her. I didn't want to do anything that would potentially damage their relationship, but I also didn't want to commit because I knew that in doing so I would fall even harder for her than I already had and then, if the polyamory thing didn't work out, I, as the 'outsider' would be kicked out, and I didn't think I could survive it. She agreed, and said she'd tell him no one my behalf. She did it (mind you he kept being sexual connotative it in most of his conversations with me after that regardless) and a few days later, she once again sent me one of those 'messages of truth'. The truth was, she said, the real reason she didn't want it to happen was that she had my fear, but in the reverse. She said she knew that if she acted on how she felt for me, HE would be the one to get kicked out, and that was not fair to him.

But, she continued, that wouldn't change things between us, and that if things ever changed with him she'd want us to revisit it. I accepted that for what it was, and thought that would be the end of it. Except it wasn't. For all that she said that, just like him, her behaviour towards me never changed. Indeed, as time went by, it progressed FURTHER. Five of us went to a Pride party in July/August of 2015. There was a bit of an issue where she had to leave for a while to get him from some place, drop him off and come back. I offered to go with her so she wouldn't have to make the lonely drive, and first she said yes and then she said no. Later on she'd admit that she didn't want the three of us together alone like that because she knew that her boyfriend would try to instigate something and that, by now, she knew that I either get moody or fucking cuddly/affectionate when drinking and that it would take very little knowing how I felt about her for something to actually happen. Oh, I forgot one time before.

Actually I'm blurring like two/three of them together. There was one night, before my first Japanese exam when the three of us were at her house to help him work on some project thing. That was definitely after we'd decided NOT to do anything, but he was definitely still pushing for things. She ended up kicking him to the guest room and we spent the rest of that night cuddling etc although I didn't let things go any further than that. (I was also sober so the naggling voice about hey, no, this isn't right, was not ignorable). There was a next time - my last time - getting fucking drunk. I'd had a bad day, a fight with my mother over the said coming over to her house and I got wasted (vomitted etc etc). I was mostly fine post puking but she still insisted on staying and helping me. I remember feeling a bit weird when she got into the shower with me but truthfully I was still too much wallowing in self pity to really care. We made out there, in the bathroom. I can't say it felt nice or anything. I was just too fucking out of it, but I definitely remember us kissing, stopping when (are we seeing a trend here) her boyfriend came to check on us. I slept the rest of the night with her in her bed and in the morning I confirmed that we'd made out and she admitted that she'd done it really not expecting me to remember. She seemed to feel guilty about it and so, I just let it go one time.

Anyway, back to the party or rather, afterwards. When we got back I was happy drunk this time around and while everyone else mainly went off to la la land, the three of us ended up alone...in the dark, and, just like she'd expected earlier, he tried to start things, and, like she expected I was a bit more receptive of it. Of course, as happened anytime we ended up in that sort of situation, she started off with all the contact, cuddling etc, but this time, like every other time, once he tried to get involved, she realised that my barriers started to build back up, and she bustled us off to bed, staying with him in a separate room after tucking me in and what not. (She later admitted she wanted to stay with me but didn't know how it'd look to the rest of our friends if in the morning she was with me and not him).

She put a firm stop to any thing after that although her flirtation continued without change and more than once she'd comment that she would be with me if... while he occasionally, and with increasing determination tried from my end to try to get me to talk to her about restarting things.

Her personal life (non-romantic) started to go downhill from there, and at one time he complained that she was turning to me more than him. I tried backing away, she wouldn't let me and shortly after that I started to realise why he was doing so much to try to bring me back into them. She wanted to end things with him, and he thought that re-adding me would be enough to offset how she was feeling, because, by that point she was starting to feel like she was full out gay and not just bi. But I wouldn't, and she wouldn't entertain the thought. About a week before she finally broke up with him, she told me that the if... was coming, and you know what, while I felt bad for him, a part of me was also elated, because wasn't this exactly the situation I had been consciously or otherwise waiting for? For her to be free? Free to be mine?

And then...they ended things shortly after that and she spent a few while around Christmas time at my house. I didn't push for anything, because while I knew this was the if we were waiting for, I had to remember that she'd just gotten out of a two year relationship, plus she had personal drama. Before she left my house she said as much to me. She'd been in one relationship after another constantly since she was 15/16 and she wanted some time to just be her without anyone else. I accepted that, I respected that. Except now I see that it was a bullshit reason because after what nearly three years of dancing around each other, and over one of us actually talking about our own potential relationship, she didn't want it? But hey, once again, young and fucking stupid. She told me that this would not be a permanent thing, that she just wanted a few weeks and then we'd come to it and I was okay with that. And, like always, she never changed her behaviour. Indeed, things intensified. We started talking near constantly, actual voice notes that could be upwards of an hour long. And this was not a rare occurence. At any given moment there would be two or three things for me to listen to. She used to tell me to send her stuff of me talking just so she could hear my voice while she was in traffic and she would do the same. She was my date to my first graduation at my school and we didn't even really pull the she's my friend card. She held my hand, her mother took pictures of us, we hid our outfits from each other and we made plans to leave early and go on a proper date asap (we didn't but that was fine. It was a great night).

We started sharing things with each other that I'd never ever dreamt of telling to anyone. We shared our dreams, our aspirations, our fears, our deepest darkest thoughts, our likes, dislikes (on all fronts) and we made plans. So many plans. We started to learn Welsh because she wanted my first trip abroad to be with her to England. I'd actually started to say money towards that goal (I suppose now that's why I scoff at plans). For the next Easter she wanted me to go to the next island with her and meet her family etc. I introduced her to the things I loved, and she did the same. She started to play these silly little games with me. I'd have to guess what colour nail polish she was going to put on, and if I was right, she'd give me a present. (I've long since thrown nearly all of those things away). Her mother and I grew closer. I started to talk to her alot and to help her by sourcing out crafting materials for her etc. At one point while I staying over her mother said that after her boyfriend she expected her to start dating either me or my friend and that she was okay with how we seemed to be progressing towards it. Everything was great, perfect, idealic.

Then the cracks started to show.

Because, you see, she started a second degree right after her first and she started to interact with a girl. I suppose I should be glad she was honest enough to tell me that she was interested in her and wanted to see where that would go, and while I died a little inside, and I encouraged her to do it. But that's where my first doubt came in. This was less than a month after we had had a second/third/fourth conversation with her where she said that she still wasn't ready to commit to me, and now she wanted to see where things were going with someone else? But, I let her, because I didn't want to be like her boyfriend who had started to call her out when it became obvious to him that she was starting to focus more on me than him. For a few weeks the conversations started to turn to her and the next girl and I just listened...supported. I'd never stopped talking to her ex-boyfriend by the way, and out of the blue one day when he heard about her and the girl, he spoke to me and told me - warned me even - to see the signs. That she was doing to me with her what she had done to him with me and what she had done with him to her ex before that. But I didn't listen. I brushed it off as him being a jaded ex and told her about the conversation and she reinforced it.

Shortly after she just stopped mentioning the girl, and I didn't either and things went back to the previous normal. Until it stopped, and I mean it stopped really quickly. Within two to three weeks after the girl stopped being mentioned she just started...disappearing. From her end the voice notes, messages etc decreased, although she urged me when I mentioned it to keep it up from my end, that she was just so busy now balancing her degree with a full time job with her personal issues, and like a fucking fool I bought it, not even stopping to think that I'd been damn well balancing all those things pretty fine over the past few years by this point without letting her feel neglected in any way. But, by this time I was in too deep. If it isn't obvious by now I loved her, was in love with her, and there was literally nothing I would not do for her by this point. I loved her and she assured me she loved me too. And so I didn't let anything change, not even when it started to be days between her even checking my messages although she was definitely online. Even when her responses started to become generic. Even when I started to realise that something had shifted on her end, something that she was not telling me. I think I backed off for a few days, just to test her, and she popped back up wholly upset that I hadn't talked to her in a while. I pointed out that it takes two to have an actual conversation but once again she told me that she was busy etc etc but she would do better. I bought it, and continued my fall down the rabbit hole.

Her ex popped up again, and repeated his warning, but this time he was extra fucking serious about it. You see by that time the two of them were back to talking and he told me flat out that, for my own good I needed to fall out of fucking love with her asap before I got my heart broken. This time I paused, and actually thought about it for a moment. I asked him if there was something I did not know. He actually laughed and told me that I was literally in his position now except that I didn't have a face to match. I thought he meant the girl honestly, and I remember at this poitn asking her if there was something she wanted to tell me. She said no, reassured me again, reassured me that she loved me and that all would be well. And once again, I believed her. She did start back to communicate more with me, but now a name started to pop up, I name I knew but hadn't really given much credit to. But, it did raise a next flag for me, because we did share some habits and the only time I ever start actively talking about a 'new' person is when I feel something for them. I think we all know what happened to that flag. I just burnt it down like the rest.

Then, the week came. Yes, it took a week for everything to come crashing down. First she told me that something big was happening, something potentially devastating and she was panicking. She wouldn't tell me what but said that it would be all over that Wednesday and then she'd tell me everything. I honestly thought it was about her personal issues; that it was reaching it's climax. Boy was that a wrong thought. She'd gotten involved with a guy who was in a pretty serious relationship and it had come to a head. That was the big secret, the thing she was hiding from me, and if things went south like there was a 50% chance of happening, she wanted me to be there for her.

Out of respect for all the people involved in what happened afterwards, I won't comment on the rest of that week or the events that happened. I'll skip straight to the aftermath.

The aftermath I was apart of was the Saturday, a Saturday that honestly was the most gutwrenching of my life. It was one of my last ever acts of self-sacrificing, because despite what she had done, the fact that she had strung me along, she called me crying, begging me to come to her...and so I did. In that moment I thought that that was the most supreme act of love I could ever show, that even though my heart was breaking at the realisation that she didn't want me, hadn't wanted me, probably hadn't for a long while, she needed me in that moment, and I knew that I would be there for her. I spent nearly two days with her I believe. That first day was me and her mother just listening. Her mother said "I told you so" even if she didn't predict the outcome that happened. I sat there with her while she talked, raged, cried. I coaxed her into eating. I sat with her in the yard while she called and spoke to people, and finally broke down and cried.

I sat there while, when, talking to people she - almost absentmindedly - took my hand and started kissing it, slowly working her way upwards while she listened to the person on the line, and while the situation was one I'd envisaged so often, us in such a domestic context, the reason that had brought us to this position left me cold and I felt no comfort from those kisses. She wanted a massage that night - I gave her one. I stayed up most of that night whispering nothings to her while she cried and cried even as my heart broke. Whenever I could manage to get her to sleep I would check in with people, my friends, my mother, the students I was talking with, all in an effort to keep my sanity, because honestly, if I hadn't focussed on anyone else beside myself that night, I would have lost it. I have no doubt of that. She kept waking up in between in that night. Sometimes she'd cry, sometimes she'd do the same kissing thing, and sometimes she would just ask me to hold her while she talked. At one point she said to me the thing that probably is why I've hardened my heart so much now. "I know you're in love with me, that you've always been in love with me, and that's why I called you. Because that's why I need you. Because you're in love with me" and those pieces of my heart shattered even fucking further.

There was nothing about her in there, her feelings for me. All that time, knowing the things she knew about me, my prior history with people, she'd spent all that time stinging me along not because she loved me but because she loved how I was in love with her. I felt a paradigm shift within me at that moment and I think she picked up on it, because after that, I just couldn't check myself in to care for her how she wanted to be cared for any longer. Because it all felt wrong. Because I realised that she didn't love me at all, not in the way she'd said, in the ways her actions had indicated. And the moment she realised that, she basically told me to leave, got her mother to drop me home while she called other people to come who could better play the role she wanted played in that moment. Her mother thanked me for all that I had done, her friends (and mine) thanked me for what I had done, and that was that. I went home .

I still didn't give into my despair at that moment, because it was now time to check in with my friend who also had been affected by thisWe spoke for a long time that evening I remembered and I think I finally admitted to her just why she had asked me to be there. I think my friend was blown away by it and was angered by what she said. I think her anger was the validation I needed to realise that I wasn't wrong for feeling the way I was. I held on for a few hours until it was late enough that everyone else in my house was asleep and I broke down. I cried harder than I ever remembered crying before, but you know what was still so stupid? After I cried, I wiped my tears away and called her to see how she was doing (horrible and it would be a steady decline) because a part of me still believed that this was my duty, what I was supposed to do because I was in love with her so I tried. I really tried over the next few days even though she treated me horribly in response. Even when she would be drunk and abusing me verbally and threatening to 'end things'. I stayed and stayed, until the day before the end, when she sent my this long, apologetic thing about how she was a new person now and she needed to reassess everything and everyone and I was one of the things that needed to be reassessed. By that point I was nearly done with her despite my feelings because it had gotten back to me that 1) she always gave the impression that I was the one always chasing after her, hitting on her etc etc and I didn't seem to realise that she didn't want me and 2) that she said that she might as well get together with me now because she had nothing else. Both of those things left me broken and jaded and wondering (as I would for a long fucking time) if I'd imagined everything that had happened from 2010 to 2016 in my head. I spoke to my friends and decided that that was it. I had had enough. Eventually I knew I would have had to make a choice anyway, and I chose to make it. I told her mother that I could no longer handle how she treating me unfairly and that I was backing off, and I just never messaged her again. My rationale was simple. If she wanted me, she could start the conversation. I had been doing that for far too long only for this to be my reward. And you know what? She never did.

It took me a long time to finally delete her off my phone. I guess it was still my way of checking up on her. I watched her one by one start to do the things she and I had promised to do together. She dyed her hair. She got a tattoo, and finally I realised this was not healthy for me and I removed her. I wasn't fine by any means. I think to have nearly six years cave in like that doesn't allow you to heal in any real way, but I was - at a snail's pace - moving forward. Then on my birthday, I got to class and someone handed me a package from her. I nearly broke down right there and then again, but I held on, glad that I had my friend there. She returned the books I'd given to her to read, plus she had included a book of jokes and a letter. The letter - which I still have somewhere - explained that she didn't think I would be mad at her for this long (I think it had been nearly four months at this point) and that all she could do was hurt people, and that she was sorry that she had hurt me and she just wanted me to be happy, that all she had ever wanted was for me to be happy. I remember crying at this point - it was the same thing she had said back in 2012 - and while her words in the letter seemed so genuine, by now I'd seen enough of who she really was to not fall for it. I think I was more crying for the time I had lost investing in her more than anything else, plus for the returned realisation that I still loved her and wanted her. Yes, I still wanted her at that point. She ended the letter saying that from there on out, she'd do a better job disappearing from my life. I caved, got her number back from her ex and sent her a voice note explaining that I wasn't angry with her, at least not in the way she thought and that she didn't need to disappear. I didn't want her to. She just sent me a message that she had no room on her phone to listen or return any notes and that was that. Whatever bit of my heart had been rebuilt shattered once again.

We had one last conversation. She'd come into the building where we had had class, saw me, glared, and walked away. Later on I realised she had deleted me off facebook and my sadness turned to rage, rage that she would dare be upset with me after what she had done. I messaged her on facebook, let my rage out and told her that this was it. I was offically, completely done with her from this point on, that the door I'd left open for her to return was now officially closed. She messaged back saying that she did it for my own good, that she was poison to people and she hadn't glared at me, that was her being shocked and ashamed at seeing me and that I looked like I was mad at her which is why she hurried away. I called her out on that immediately. I was done with things being turned around as if I had done some grand wrong and she was the victim. I wished her a good life after that and she didn't respond and that was it, our final communication. I suppose we can say that this was circa March 2016, a little under a year since everything imploded.

We're in February 2017 now, so why have I brought this up? Why have I detailed this? Why now do I want to share this story? Because I saw her last Friday - the third. Not to talk to, although hindsight tells me that she definitely saw me before I saw her. She had been parked in the lot outside the building I had had class in. The area's not too well lit for me to have recognised the car at first, but I certainly did when I was driving past, and yup, in the driver's seat was her. So why has that brought about this? Simple. I saw her, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. No hurt. No pain. No anger. Just a mild shock at seeing her while immediately faded into a shrug. I was glad to have not spoken to her, and I sent my glass up immediately just to have an added barrier between us, and I knew she saw me see her because she turned her head away, but overall I. Felt. Nothing. And with that, I realise I'm finally free.

I'm free of her. Free of the pain she's caused me. Free of all the things that her actions caused me to feel afterwards. That night proved that she no longer has any clutch on me and because of that I can now - finally - express this, our history together, because I'm free. Detailing all of this has not caused me to even flinch. These memories have no emotional hold on me anymore. I am changed though. I don't think anyone can go through this and not be changed, but I'm not bitter, not jaded anymore, and I realise I haven't actually been in a while. I started to 'notice' people again. I've started to actually think people are cute etc, which means that I'm finally fully embracing a life without her, and that's a beautiful thing.

So this has been my failed love story, and now that it has been fully expressed, I can definitely, fully say that I am through with that portion of my life, and god does it feel good to be free.

#personal #extremely personal #romance #heartbreak #alcohol #polyamory #typos because I don't think I'm ever going to re-read this #I'm fine really #I just really needed to tell this story so I can have closure

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