#one of these days i will get around to writing about it for futureme or in my journal or SOMETHING

[t1erradelfuego]

dreamt about it again [relapsed]

[maiji]

Lenormand reading request (thanks for doing these, it's a great idea and I'm really interested to see how they work!):

I'm working on changing some of my habitual / automatic ways of thinking, but - as fully expected - it's not easy. What should I bear in mind when taking on this challenge?

Numbers: 19 and 23

I really appreciate this question, and find it so relatable!

With that in mind, I will note as a general comment for anyone getting any kind of reading done that the person doing the reading (in this case, me) will invariably bring their own experiences into it. These are interpretations, so they will be filtered or coloured by the mind interpreting them in some way, no matter how much they may try to be impartial/neutral. It's not a bad thing per se, but just something to be aware of. So if anything doesn't feel relevant to your own experience, always feel free to use it as a jumping point for making insights that feel more applicable and more helpful to you. It's your question for your situation, so you may find connections other people may not even be aware of.

#19 was The Letter, and #23 was The Snake. This one is extra interesting to me because it is also the combination (albeit in a different sequence) that I drew in one of my Reading Examples for a totally different question, which you can see here (do a search for the phrase "Snake + Letter" to find it quickly). So it offers a convenient comparison to see how interpretations are tied to context.

The Letter is about communication, and The Snake has a variety of possible meanings. A lot of them, especially the traditional meanings, can appear to be very negative (poor little Snake!) but I personally find that's surface-level - it's easier for us to remember things that are extreme, and from there we can find more nuanced interpretations. Some of the modern associations include desire and single-mindedness.

I'm grateful that the first card drawn was the Letter, because in this situation it seems to be the more "obvious" read - very easy to connect it to the nature of the question. This is about your habits and ways of thinking, so a possible interpretation is communication with yourself. Awareness of what you're thinking or doing when you are doing them is a very immediate first step in being able to change course - if you want to change it, of course.

And that thought helps me to find a relationship with the Snake. Here I'm focusing on those modern meanings. There are a few directions we can look at it from, but one that strikes me is that sometimes the more we want something, the more we beat ourselves up over our perceived failure to achieve it... and the harder that can make it for ourselves. It reminds me of this video that's floated around the internet for a while and reappeared on my Mastodon feed the other day, of a man punching a Non-Newtonion fluid. This type of matter changes viscosity based on pressure - in this case, solidifying. So his forceful punch met a hard surface and resulted in a reaction of pain, whereas a gentle touch sank through with ease.

These are fairly abstract and metaphorical interpretations, so I often find it fun to see if I can do a more literal reading too. That can sometimes yield surprises and more ideas. For example, The Letter is also writing. Thoughts are nebulous and can be hard to grasp - they come easily and go just as easily. Words you can see and reflect on in a more tangible way, and that could be an assistive device. What if you wrote a letter to yourself, messages of encouragement and/or reinforcement? How about little reminder notes of the positive, and things you want to do more of, focusing on that over the negative/things you want to do less of?

One of my friends keeps a daily journal to help manage and respond to thoughts and habits. I'm not nearly so diligent in this area, but I've written letters to myself using FutureMe. It can be easy to feel like I'm making no progress minute by minute, day by day, so seeing a message from Past Me has often helped me to reinforce what and why I do what I do, and to be able to see my journey over a period of time has been super powerful.

I hope this provided some interesting food for thought!

--

Thanks for requesting a limited time free reading to celebrate the new edition of the Fortune Lenormand oracle/art deck!

Want to dive deeper?

Fortune Lenormand oracle/art deck - there's a free downloadable overview of card meanings!

humangray.com/lenormand - more info and resources/links!

(Note: these readings are being done with my old card deck from the original printing. There's not much difference with the new edition available in the link above - the biggest one is that the new edition has a custom box ooh ahh!)

[katealot]

I hope you don’t mind me adding onto this, but I suffer from some pretty bad anxiety and imposter syndrome which used to lead me down all sorts of spirals like “what have you even ever accomplished in your life? who even likes you?” Which were (and sometimes still are) obviously very distressing.

And then one of my favorite podcasts, Wonderful, mentioned a free service called FutureMe which lets you send letters to your future self via email. The idea charmed me and, in an effort to put a little extra joy in my day to day life, I started writing myself monthly letters to be delivered at the beginning of that month the following year. I put my joys, my successes, my learnings, my griefs and my hopes into those letters.

The first one arrived right around when my seasonal depression was returning. And when I read it, I actually cried with relief and love as I was reminded of all the things I had forgotten about in a year. I was overwhelmed to realize that I had come so much further than I thought I had.

I’ve been writing them for 3 years, and every letter I get makes me swell with pride for having made it another month despite everything.

(This is a little excerpt from that first letter)

I’ll leave you with this: thinking about you… yes, YOU. Right now, laying there, probably… I have hope. That you are happier than I am now. I don’t have to tell you how much hope gets me through everyday life, but thinking about how I, alone, walked every step you took to get to where you are standing (or sitting?) right now? That’s what made this worth it. I love you RIGHT. NOW. You are everything I hoped you would be a year ago… no matter who you are.

TL;DR: FutureMe is a free service that lets write short little reflections on your life and sends it forward for you to read in the future. They take less than 5 minutes to write, the future date you send it to is customizable, and there are prompts if you want help knowing what to write about.

Every time a new month approaches, be proud of the things you did last month, the fun you had, the things you had to let go, the things you learned and the new things you got, and most of all, for surviving. You did great and you deserve time to rest and unwind!

[not-theonlydreamer]

Dear future me in 5 years

Dear FutureMe (Erin at 29),

Hey, you. This is Erin at 24, in one of the last days of 2019. I’d say the biggest trends of 2019 were CBD, self care, and mindfulness. But that’s not what this email is for.

Here’s the world, as I see it at 24: My generation is a zombie apocalypse In a daze, unaware Stumbling around, wandering nowhere There might have been a purpose at one point?

That was not intended to be a poem, oh well.

Anyways, what I have to say to YOU is: I love you, for who you are and what you aren’t. I forgive you, for what you’ve done and what you haven’t done. Please remember your strengths: your sensitivity, your humor, your brightness, your compassion, your curiosity, your drive, your gentleness. Please remember your values: Empathy, humanity, idealism. Live a life that aligns with your values and harnesses your greatest strengths. Don’t be afraid to walk away from something that’s not meant for you. If this is what you need to hear, stop being a fish trying to climb a tree. There’s nothing wrong with you, or who you are, or what you feel.

On that note, don’t continue to make a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. Don’t want to be a lawyer? That’s totally fine. Yes, this is the You who just went through 3 years of torture and who is about to go through more months of torture and loss and (over) sacrifice to try to pass the bar. If you’re at 29 and want to “throw it away”? That’s fine. Actually, PLEASE do it. Life is too short to continue trying to put a square block in a round hole. I can’t think of any other solid life goals or dreams or anything right now (besides wanting to start a comedy podcast), but it’s okay to change your mind. And I KNOW I have said for years that I don’t want kids, but if you want to change your mind, that’s fine.

Sometimes I feel like I owe my younger self to do what she wanted. But come on, I just admitted I’m lost. Also- 5 year old Erin wanted to be a ballerina. 10 year old Erin wanted to be a vet. 19 year old Erin wanted to be a florist?! The only things I really care about are that you take care of yourself mentally and physically. I want you to love who you are, including your sensitivity. Might make life a little harder, but also a lot richer.

It’s never too late to start over, and be who you could have been. Your life is not set in stone at 29. You can “kill yourself” without actually killing yourself. You can move to a new place. Get a new job. Go and let yourself make some damn mistakes for once. Cut your hair. Change your name. Forgive yourself. Dump his ass. Also- be mindful of your relationships- especially the ones you have a choice over. I know you care, but you don’t have to be anyone’s friend if they bring you down. It’s not up to you to save anyone, and honestly you can’t.

You’re probably still searching for meaning; I’m guessing that’ll be a lifelong thing. But it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Buy a plant, set it by the windowsill, give it some water. That’s a start, right? They say that those who plant trees believe in the future. I’m sure you’ve experienced a lot of loss at this point. Some you can’t get back. But you can find healing in new life. I forget the exact quote, but it’s something like those who plant a tree, knowing they will not live long enough to sit in its shade, are those who are starting to understand the meaning of life.

And, really, I know you. You are a kind person, a gentle soul, with a heart too big for your body. Who YOU are is enough. Helping people is so in your nature that you don’t even think about it or recognize how much light you bring into others’ lives. You can dedicate your career to helping others if you want, but who you are is already enough. Think of Dad.

By the way, I’m purposely not trying to put many goals in this letter. Buddism states desire is the root of suffering, and there’s some truth in that. If you always think of your happiness as a destination, that you will reach once you complete X, get rid of Y, and become Z, you’ll always be chasing it. Don’t forget to “just be.”

Here’s my guess for where you are- NOT an expectation- just for fun. I bet you’re living alone with Rafiki and maybe even some other pets and lots of plants in an apartment you’ve made your own. I have a feeling you won’t end up being a lawyer or in HR in the end, something totally random. I think you’ll still be friends with Paige and Natalie. You’ll have traveled more places? Honestly I don’t even know. It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to say I just hope you’re happy- because that’s not really what the goal should be at all times. Hmm. How about I hope you can be the person you needed when you were younger? I know I’ve been trying to guide you but I would probably benefit much more from your guidance. It’s 2024 right? Is time travel a thing yet?!

Okay, also- I hope you can start drawing, singing, writing, podcasting, playing instruments, reading, writing poetry, anything like that- again. There doesn’t have to be a goal with it. You don’t have to show it to anyone if you don’t want to. It can be shit. Actually, you know what, that’s my assignment. Please write some shitty poetry for 24 year old Erin. Please try so hard to reach that high harmony that your voice cracks and don’t be afraid to laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. Please write a fanfiction so cliche and self indulgent that your cheeks will burn red when you read it years later. Fail as hard as you can.

Please go to therapy if you need it or on medication. I know it’s hard. Also- I suspect dealing with depression will be a lifelong thing. That’s okay. I mean, it might not be, but what I’m trying to say is I forgive you for being depressed. I forgive you if it all falls apart, because you’re 29 girl just put it back together in a new way. Also- I know it typically seems to be along the lines of: “My life is bad and/or I’m bad so I’m depressed,” but ALSO be conscious of “I feel down and sad, but I don’t know why, so I’m going to subconsiously give myself an explanation by saying my life must suck or I must suck or must be doing something wrong.” Sometimes it’s not that deep. Don’t let it be. You can’t end your suffering if you keep identifying with it so much.

I love you! Erin

[sightful-tangents]

january 1, 2017

Good evening, 2017.

This is a reflections post on my 2016 resolutions. I tend to ask my friends around the end of the year what their resolutions are, and rarely do they care to make any at all. I understand that, obviously, because resolutions are kind of dumb and kind of pointless, but well, I’m still an unabashed fan.

I’ve got a whole bunch of 2017 resolutions swimming around in my brain, but that will be a post for later, and obviously coupled with an appearance from The Mountain Goats’ perennial song, This Year. 

1. Earn a certain salary, which I’m not gonna reveal here (this can either mean get a new job, or make sure I grow enough in my current job. I’d also like benefits or something).

Kinda. I get paid per hour, so essentially if i worked full 40 hrs, i’d be at the ‘salary goal’… but i don’t like to work 40 hours a week because i’m a lazy motherfucker.

Also, I got 2 raises this year, one in February and one in November, which was nice.

2. Read more Adult books than YA books. Read more than 3 non-fiction books. Read a minimum of 35 books.

I only read 25 books this year, but I did read more adult and non-fiction than I have previously. I’m looking to continue this on next year. 

3. Watch all the Oscar Best Picture nominees.

In order from best to worst: brooklyn, mad max, spotlight, the martian, the big short, room, the revenant, bridge of spies

4.Write two futureme emails.

I only wrote one instead of two. 

For those who don’t know, futureme is basically when you can write an email to your future self, and the website will send the email at a predetermined time. 

5. Send snail-mail to my friends across the country.

My friend and I started a thing where we’ll send each other regular postcards and I love it :)

6. “fucking exercise”

lol no did not happen

7. Once a week, don’t spend any money.

lol no did not happen 

8. Spend more time reading the news and interesting articles than on social media sites. Read beyond the NYTimes.

Yes, I did this, except I also went through a post-election news-identity-crisis. I wrote a bit about it here, but mainly that I had tried so hard to read widely and consume news yet felt after the election that it was all a fucking waste of time. That said, bless you, Washington Post and The Atlantic, which now enter my regular rotation of online news. I also kind of took a break from online news since November, but I’ll pick it up again in the new year, I think.

9. Finish writing a book that’s over 50K words.

Nope. I contributed a bunch for a book for work, but I don’t think it was 50K.

10. Take a minimum 2 week trip, preferably out of the country, preferably living out of a backpack.

I’m crossing this off, even though my trip was only 10 days. I went to Taiwan and Japan. I also went to New York City and Washington DC for the July long weekend. 

11. Save at least 40% of my salary per month.

I moooostly did this.

12. Learn 5 new dishes. Eat healthier.

Umm, kind of? I baked 5 new dishes, that’s for sure, haha. I also do think I’ve eaten healthier (excluding these last 2 weeks I’ve been in BC where there is no such thing as too much butter and sugar.) I’ll definitely try and be more specific by “eat healthier” though for next year.

13. Write monthly goals, and evaluate them each month. January is excluded cause I’m lazy.

Nope.

14. Read a book about finances and understand finances. Mostly to understand all those grown-up stuff like mutual funds, RRSPs, and TFSAs.

Ugh, nope, and I’m really frustrated at myself for this. It’s not that difficult, and it’s something I just really need to do for myself. The information is out there and it makes me upset at myself for not actually doing the work and figuring this out. 

15.The far-fetched dream is to move out into a 1BR. The realistic dream is to move out to somewhere a wee bit nicer than my current place.

No :(

16. N. Y. fucking. C.

YES! It was incredible, the greatest city in the world. I’d love to go back.

17. Get some side hustles going.

I did some private tutoring for the latter half of the year, which was a great source of ‘income’. It’s really a huge feeling of accomplishment when I realized that in one particular month, I had earned enough through tutoring to pay my rent :) 

18. Make like, 2 new friends. This is hard, okay?

I did this! Although one of these friends is a guy I dated and I don’t know if we’re gonna continue being friends this year lol okay nvm I don’t want to sink into this drama hole. 

19. Go to the doctor… Maybe? I haven’t been in over 4 years.

LOL NO 

I need to though, like for reals. I even googled how a walk-in clinic worked but still ended up not going. 

20. Make a five year plan, even though it requires figuring out what I would like to do with my life and imagining the future.

No. But this year I shall.

21. The abstract one: Be better than I currently am.

I think there was a while when I was better. And then there was a while when I was not. I dunno, I’ll give this one to myself though. You’re welcome, self. 

22. And the big one: Take risks. Of all sorts. Because, why not.

Yes. Perhaps not enough, but I can’t say I didn’t. 

--x--

And that’s it for my resolutions from last year. I went 13 for 22, which isn’t too bad in my mind. Happy New Year, friends. More to come on this silly blog soon.