#one of them yelled at my coworker (a sixteen-year-old child) for doing her job

[adamofingolstadt]

Thinking about when I worked in a haunted house and we had to ban 3 separate groups of cops from coming through in full uniform (and weapons) and then harassing the actors.

[svnflowervol666]

Ma Petite Chérie: Christmas Then (Harry Styles x fem!Reader)

Read more from this little universe, Ma Petite Chérie, in my masterlist!

Word Count: 6k

Summary: It’s the happiest time of the year, but it couldn’t be more miserable for Harry and Y/N.

Author’s Note: Reupload because it wasn’t working in the tags! Here is the first of two Christmas bits for Harry, Y/N and Tallulah! I’ve told you all that I planned on writing about Harry and Y/N breaking up early on in their relationship, so I decided to add a little Christmas spirit into the mix in honor of the season. I promise, the next part isn’t this sad. I always feel like I’m not that great at writing angst, mostly because it hurts my heart too much, but I hope I did this story enough justice. Feedback is greatly appreciated, it helps to keep me going and to write things that you guys actually want to read. Any who, enjoy! The next part will be up by the end of the month. Take care and TPWK.

Harry had never thought that a night out with his colleagues would cost him his world. It was supposed to be a celebration of another successful year at his job, nothing more. It was supposed to be dinner, a few rounds of whiskey with his team, and an early night back to the two girls he loved the most who waited impatiently for his return. It wasn’t supposed to be a trip to the club, where the bass in the speakers replaced Harry’s own heartbeat and made his mind temporarily forget where his priorities lied. He thought that he’d only be there long enough to not seem like an uptight asshole that didn’t care to have any fun, but alas. Harry can be quite the pushover, and quickly slipped into that inedbriated state that often persuades you to do things you know you shouldn’t.

Harry had certainly thought wrong.

Y/N, on the other hand, was only supposed to be gone long enough to clear her head. Steam was practically billowing out of her at lightspeed the night this all happened. It would later be referred to as “The-Incident-That-We-Don’t-Speak-About-Because-It’s-Painful-Too-Even-Think-About” in the future, but right now, it consumed her. Every little detail of that night and the argument that followed haunted her like a reoccurring bad dream that she couldn’t shake. The way he smelled like cigarettes from keeping his coworkers company on the club’s smoking patio, the way his eyes were glassy from one (or two) ((or three)) too many shots of tequila, the way he yelled at her. She had assured him that all she needed was time to think, and then she’d be back to talk. At the time, she had told him that she quite frankly didn’t want to even be in the same postal code as him, so she left. All that was in the duffle bag she packed in four minutes flat was her toothbrush, face wash, and enough clothes to get her through the weekend while she cooled off at her friend’s apartment.

She didn’t plan on being gone for sixteen days.

A lot had occurred to her in her time away from Harry. One, was that this was the first time they had fought. Ever. She’d always wondered if her time with Harry would ever stop feeling like a fairytale that only existed in novels and storybooks. Everything about the two of them was picture-perfect from its conception, and had somehow only gotten sweeter as the years had passed. She firmly believed that they weren’t like everybody else, those that put on a charade around others, but were unbearably miserable in private. She had started to think that maybe it was supernatural, the way that they fit together so perfectly that she thought no one else on the planet could make her feel the way Harry does, perfectly complete and peaceful. But it was turning out to be as simple as the age-old saying, life is not always rainbows and butterflies.

Two, was this really what Y/N wanted? She didn’t give it a second thought when it came to Harry having a child, quickly stepping into the role of being someone important in Tallulah’s life. And Harry let her, too. As cautious as he is about who he involves his daughter with, it was almost scary the way he let her in and allowed her to love and care for her. Yes, scary. Scary, because children are permanent and they are hard work and they include making sacrifices that sometimes don’t seem fair. So, Y/N had been asking herself if this was where she saw herself staying, as she had too big of a heart to become such an important character in Tallulah’s life to decide somewhere down the line that she suddenly didn’t want to be tied down anymore. It wasn’t fair to the poor girl, just a measly four years old, to have to go through losing someone that had promised to love her forever. Twice.

Deep down, she knew that this, Harry’s modest yet still lavish home with a pastel yellow door and vegetable garden out back that was often littered with dolls and abandoned sun hats from the cutest little thing that Y/N had ever seen, was where she wanted to be. But this brought her to the third thing she had pondered whilst she rotted on her friend’s uncomfortable sofa at 2 a.m. as she’d waited for her melatonin supplements to enter her system and send her off into a subdued state.

Could she ever forgive him for what he said?

//

It was just one week before Christmas. Harry texted her at least once everyday, Y/N only replying to the ones when he’d asked her if she was ready to talk, to which she’d tell him that she wasn’t, and that she promised she’d tell him when she was. Part of her stayed away from him for so long because she feared that somehow, deep down, the right thing to do was to stay away forever, and that was certainly going to be the worst day of her life. It would be for the better, Y/N thinks, if that is the case, but she’s trying very hard not to think about that being the endgame for her and Harry. Hence the inner turmoil that’s consuming Y/N’s body whole.

Sarah had promised her that Harry wasn’t coming. They sided with her on this one, she’d said, thus rescinding his invitation to her and Mitch’s annual holiday party. It felt somewhat wrong to be going to see Harry’s friends without him, especially given the fact that they’d more or less been split up for the past two weeks. But as much as they were Harry’s friends, they were also hers too. Harry really knew how to pick the ones he held closest - they were good people. He knows how to chose them because Harry is also a good person and Y/N knows this, and that makes it all the more painful when she pulls into the car park designated for guests of the condominium where Mitch and Sarah lived.

They’d seemed a bit off when they welcomed her into the sizey flat with the small, wrapped gift she’d brought for their exchange, but Y/N dismisses their seemingly rehearsed greetings as pity. Although the last thing she wants is to talk about Harry, she finds their condolences and overall presence soothing. She hadn’t seen much aside from her friend that she’d been staying with and her overweight, powder white cat these days, so human interracton in any capacity was refreshing.

Until it wasn’t.

The longer she stood in the circle of the others that came to the party, mindlessly nodding along to whatever was being said but not actually paying any attention, the longer she was left to sit with her thoughts. She remembers the three other times she’d come to Mitch and Sarah’s for this exact party, and how warm and loved she felt. Right now, all she feels is the cold radiating off of the sliding glass door that she’s leaning on and loneliness. To Y/N, it almost felt like everyone in the room knew what had happened to her and Harry. Like they were trying too hard to be cordial with her because they saw her as the girl that Harry yelled terrible things at and did terrible things too. It was overbearing and she had to get out before she exploded.

Finding aid in the very sliding glass door that chilled her to the bone, she wandered out on the patio to get away from the noise that was so loud yet so quiet at the same time. Tiny snowflakes coated the railing and the outdoor furniture, enough to illuminate her surroundings in an almost purple glow despite the time of night. If Tallulah were here, she’d convince Y/N to catch them on her tongue with her. Any other time, a thought like that would have made her smile, but right now it just made her sad. She wasn’t wearing a coat, yet she couldn’t find herself to care in this moment.

She wanted Harry. She wanted Harry there with her, whispering in her ear that Josie is full of herself and will say anything to get people’s attention and that he thinks they should ditch the party early so they can “warm each other up” at home. Despite the ache in her bones that wished for him, she couldn’t stop thinking about the last time she saw him.

~

“You’re lying.��

“Wha’ are you talkin’ about, Y/N?” he was swaying back and forth where he stood, clearly too drunk to keep his balance.

He almost sounded annoyed, but it was moreso because she’d interrupted his treck to the bedroom where his warm bed was waiting for him to ail his drunkenness and less because of her prodding.

“Clara was there, Harry. At the club. The one you forgot to tell me you were going to? She saw you. Talking to her. Any of that ring a bell?”

She made sure not to raise her voice in fear of waking up the toddler that had fallen asleep on the sofa waiting for her dad to come home so she could show him the ornaments she’d made with Y/N while he was gone, but he hadn’t come home when he’d promised her. Y/N wasn’t trying to fight, just get some answers. Yet here Harry stood, in their bathroom, lying to her face.

“Okay. So she was there ‘n we talked. We work for the same people. You’re not tellin’ me your mad that I talked t’ her about work, are yeh? Talked t’ her about work at a work party?”

“I’m not stupid, Harry. Stop doing that.”

Harry huffed in annoyance, as if her mere presence was beginning to cause his disdain.

“Then stop actin’ like it was somethin’ that it wasn’t. Swear t’ you. She came up to me, asked how Lulah had been, we talked about work for a second, and that was it. Fuck, even told her about you for christ’s sake.”

“I couldn’t care less that you talked to her, Harry. It’s the fact that you didn’t tell me you’d be out later than you said, went to a club, talked to her, the girl that broke your fucking heart, and I found out from a friend. And when I asked you about it, you lied. Do you see how fucking bad that looks?”

“Why don’t yeh ask Clara what she saw, hmm? Since you’re so keen on taking her word for it. She’s gonna tell you that nothing. Happened. I’m truly sorry I didn’t tell yeh I’d be out late. Didn’t think I’d be gone that long and just got carried away.”

Y/N was fighting tears now. He was talking in circles, unwilling to see her side and acknowledge that he’d done wrong.

“That’s what you’ve been saying for the past month, Harry. You’re always getting carried away with work and leaving me to take care of her. I can’t tell you how many times Tallulah’s asked why you’re always missing dinner and why you don’t go take her to her ice skating lessons or help her wash her hair anymore. She misses you. So do I. And then you go and do this. I know you’re busy this time of year but I also know you’re doing more than you’re being asked of, so don’t pull that shit with me. Would it kill you to come home every now and then and at least eat some pasta with your fucking daughter?”

Harry’s brows were furrowed together, eyes dark and half-shut in what was the beginning of a drunken rage. For a split second, Y/N saw a flicker of sadness within the deep green of his irises, but it disappeared as quickly as it came.

“Yeh say that like she’s a burden. ‘S that it? You’re mad that you have t’ babysit?”

“Harry,” Y/N warned him.

He was treading territory that would be hard to back away from once he took the first step.

“What? If it was that big of a fuckin’ deal, you could have told me that you don’t like keeping after her.”

“Jesus, it’s not!”

She was yelling now, unable to keep her emotions from getting the best of her. She looked after Tallulah like she was the one that had given birth to the four year old that slept peacefully on the couch, cuddling her stuffed elephant in place of her father.

“You know that I love her and that I’d do anything for her, but it’s different when you leave me alone with her all of the time. She needs you, Har. More than she needs me, and you’re acting like your job is more important than her. You have to be there for her, Harry.”

A nasty scoff left Harry’s chest that would haunt Y/N forever. She’d never forget what he said next.

“Right. Thanks for the parenting tip. Last time I checked you weren’t her fucking mu-”

~

“Yeh gonna freeze t’ death out here, ya know?”

The same voice that plagued her head pulled her out of reliving the events that landed her here, on a snow-covered patio, just as the first of what she knew were going to be many tears rolled down her face.

Y/N whipped her head around, frowning when she realized that Sarah and Mitch had lied to her and that they definitely had invited both of them to the Christmas party.

“Should have known those two were up to something,” was all she replied, quickly swiping the single, stray tear that stung her cheek as it touched the cold air.

“Jesus, you’re shivering. Here,” Harry began shrugging off his coat, ready to offer it to Y/N to keep her from catching pnuemonia.

She hadn’t realized just how cold she was. Her lips felt like they were going to crack at any moment, and she was almost certain it would take upwards of an hour for her to feel her toes again.

“Harry-” Y/N started, her voice sounding soft and defeated.

“Please don’t be stupid, Y/N. You’re gonna get sick.”

He spoke to her in the way that he would Tallulah when she refused to let him brush her hair after a bath, sternly insisting that she’d wake up with painful knots in her head if she didn’t let him run a comb through it. There was something comforting about it, but also something so incredibly sad about it all at the same time.

Reluctantly and without looking him directly in the eyes, she took the long, fur-lined coat from his hands, almost flinching when she accidentally touched pinkies with him. The coat was well-loved, ridden with his scent and most likely permanently stained with a little bit of spit up from when Tallulah was a baby. It smelled like home, Y/N thought.

There was a long pause between them, neither knowing what to say or where to even start. Y/N found herself missing Harry even more now that he was standing right next to her, brawny arms leaning against the frozen railing.

“How’s Lulah?” she asked, able to find her voice amongst the anxiety prodding every inch of her body.

Harry nodded as if to say she was alright, then cleared his throat.

“Good. Misses you.”

He wanted to tell her that he missed her, too. A whole fucking lot. But he was trying to prolong having that conversation in fear that it wouldn’t end the way he’d planned it in his head and she’d walk away from him forever.

“She asks about you every day. ‘Bout when you’re comin’ home. Said she doesn’t like how quiet it is without your music playing in the kitchen.”

She was crying now. Fat, wet, silent tears in the opposite of Harry’s direction so he couldn’t see. She missed hearing Tallulah’s raspy voice asking her question after question about where eggs come from and why anyone would dare take away someone’s babies the way farmers do with mummy chickens.

“I know you’re not ready to talk,” Harry began.

“But do yeh think you could at least come home? It doesn’t feel right without you there.”

Y/N did what she could could manage the tears streaming down her face like a waterfall, hoping Harry would think her face was just cold as she aggressively rubbed her cheeks with her fists.

She was ready to give in, seeing him in person immediately shattering any bit of strength to stay away from him that she had left. Maybe she’d find some clarity if she stopped sleeping on a pull-out sofa that did absolutely nothing for her already-bad back and went back to where she’d lived for over a year with the two people she felt like she’d spent a lifetime loving.

Slowly, her eyes went to meet his. She saw how tired he looked, for lack of a better word. Even though it was dark, the light from the snow accentuated the deep circles under his eyes. His hair looked like it hadnt been washed in days, the way it used to look when Tallulah was a baby that cried at all hours of the night. His posture was, to be quite honest, shittier than it normally was. Y/N knows it hasn’t been that long since she’d been gone, but she could almost swear he looked skinnier than the last time she’d seen him, given that the hollows of his cheeks looked concave and scrawny.

Just as she parted her surely-blue lips, ready to tell him everything she’d wanted to tell him for the past two weeks, the ringing of Harry’s cell phone caused them both to jump.

“Fuck,” Harry muttered under his breath.

“’M sorry. It’s mum. She’s got Lulah. Give me just one second.”

His eyes were pleading, almost like he was silently begging her not to run off if that’s what she was thinking of doing. Y/N’s ears perked up at the mention of his mother. She wondered if she knew about any of this. Surely she did, as Harry tends to confide in her for just about everything.

She was trying not to be nosy, but it appeared that Anne was speaking quite loudly, so it was a bit hard for her not to. She couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying, but she did hear one word. It was clear as day, and she knew immediately that something was wrong.

Raspberries.

Y/N’s head whipped around in Harry’s direction, and she saw the way his face was void of all color and his chest had started to heave.

“That’s never happened before. Did you give her the antihistamine?....What’s she sayin’?....Jesus Christ, mum. You have to calm down. Just go ahead and take her. I’ll meet yeh there. They’ll probably just have t’ give her a shot or somethin’....Mum, it’s alright. You didn’t know. Just get her in the car, please. I’ll be there in twenty.”

Harry clicked his phone off and shoved it in his back pocket, a sense of urgency taking over him.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’ve got t-”

“What happened?”

Y/N was just as worried as Harry was, feeling sick to her stomach that something clearly awful had happened to her.

“Mum’s watching Rosie, too. Lulah got into the bag Gem packed for her and ate somethin’ with raspberries in it. Said her throat feels scratchy, which is-”

“That’s not normal,” Y/N stated, being keenly aware of how Tallulah only ever tends to break out in a slight rash every time she eats the bright pink fruit.

“Yeah,” Harry replied.

“Y/N, I have t’ go. But I really want to talk t’ you. You don’t have t’ say anything back. Just hear me out, yeah? Please don’t disappear on me again.”

She wasn’t listening to him, only worried about the little girl with too many allergies and a keen interest in anything sweet.

“Can I go with you?”

Her voice was quiet, as if she were afraid of Harry telling her that she wasn’t allowed to see his daughter. She knew it was his decision and that she had to respect it, but all she wanted to do was hold her tiny body in her arms and tell her how much she missed her and that she was going to be alright.

Harry stuttered a bit, clearly not expecting her to ask him such a thing. Part of him was happy that she was willingly offering to be near him, but he supposes it’s only got to do with her worry for his daughter.

“I, erm, uh, yeah. Of course. Let’s go. Mum’s taking her t’ the hospital over by her house.”

He ushered her back into the warm apartment and back out the front door towards his car. They couldn’t even be bothered to acknowledge the stares thrown their way.

//

The car ride was quiet. Harry had left the radio off during his drive to Mitch and Sarah’s, too busy rehearsing what he was going to say to Y/N if she actually let him talk to her. Y/N sat with her knees to her chest, but opted not to turn away from him. That was a good sign, Harry thought. The heat was on, but Y/N was still freezing. She supposes Harry was right about her getting sick.

“Could you drive a little faster?” Y/N asked after some time, fiddling with the cuff of her jeans.

“No,” Harry retorted.

“It’s snowing, Y/N. Don’t need all three of us t’ end up in the hospital.”

She had half the nerve to roll her eyes at him, but she knew he was right.

“Hey,” Harry called out to her.

He started to reach over the center console for her hand out of habit, but felt his heart sink into his stomach when he remembered the state of their relationship and slowly retracted it. He thought she didn’t notice, but she did.

“She’s gonna be fine. Mum said she wasn’t even crying. Probably just needs a few shots t’ make the swelling go down.”

Y/N nodded instead of responding, sinking further into the seat but keeping her eyes on the snowy road ahead of her.

Silence took over again as they trecked through the snow towards Tallulah, with tension so thick it felt suffocating. From the corner of her eye, she saw a pair of Tallulah’s winter gloves tucked into one of the cup holders and she wanted to cry again.

But instead of doing that, she laid her palm face-up on the console, waiting for Harry’s eyes to catch them. When they did, he hesitated, flickering between her hand and her face. She still wasn’t looking directly at him, but he knew she knew he was looking at her.

He tested her first, lying his hand next to hers, but not touching. She didn’t pull her hand away, and he swears when he looked down, he saw her hand inch towards his as if she were coaxing him. Harry thinks this might be the last time he gets to touch her if she decides that she can’t forgive him for what he said, so he goes for it.

He laces his fingers with hers, feeling an overwhelming sense of relief take over his head and his heart when he finally got to feel her skin against his after what felt like centuries. She doesn’t wrap her fingers around his like he did to hers, her hand still lying limp against the arm rest, but he’s okay with that.

It isn’t until they’re pulling into the hospital that Y/N gives Harry’s hand a squeeze.

They were getting there. At least Harry hoped.

//

Y/N is physically unable to keep herself from smiling when she hears Tallulah practically squeal her name the second she steps into the room she’d been given. Her voice was deeper than usual, most definitely due to the accident that landed her here in the first place. Tallulah all but jumped out of her bed to greet her with a hug, which Y/N accepted without a second thought as she wrapped her arms around the small girl and sat with her on the bed, most likely staining Harry’s coat with the emollient cream they’d coated her rash with at the hospital. As if that coat could take any more beatings.

Harry watched from the corner, feeling somewhat out of place for whatever reason. He knew he owed Y/N an apology for what he said to her that night, and at that moment he felt like he owed Tallulah one, too. How could he say those things to her? How could he let his arrogance get the best of him and ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to him?

Anne briefed him while Tallulah had her mini-reunion with Y/N, letting him know they’d given her a few shots and could go home as soon as the swelling in her throat had gone down. She wouldn’t stop apologizing to Harry for causing her grandbaby harm, but Harry assured her for the twentieth time that accidents happen and that it certainly could have been worse. Anne soon sensed the tension between Harry and who she hoped would be her daughter-in-law one day, and told Harry she’d better get going because she’d left Rosie with the neighbor. Her eyes urged Harry to fix this shit at all costs because she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and Harry was not one to disobey his mother.

“Are you coming home?” Harry heard Tallulah ask Y/N.

He locked eyes with her for a split-second.

“Yeah,” Y/N sighed.

Harry felt his heart jump as he was now paying extra attention to the woman holding his daughter like she was the most precious thing on earth.

“Gotta make sure you get tucked into bed alright.”

And then it sunk.

“Will you be there when I wake up?” Tallulah asked with eerily familiar green eyes peering up at Y/N from her lap.

This time it was her heart that sunk.

“I....don’t know, Lulah. We’ll see,” she whispered, feeling tears pool in her eyes once again.

Y/N hid her face in Tallulah’s hair, for fear that Harry would see her.

“How’s Carrot, hmm? ‘S he doing good?” Y/N blurts out in diversion, hoping Tallulah would be more interested in talking about the fish Y/N had won her at a carnival a few years ago than where she stood with her and Harry.

Tallulah talked her ear off, filling her in on everything she’d missed while she was gone. She tells Y/N that their kale plant in the garden was huge now, seemingly sprouting overnight. She also tells Y/N that Rosie can walk now, or at least can wobble a few steps before falling down on her bum.

Harry watches as Y/N pretends like everything Tallulah is telling her is the most interesting news she’s ever heard. That’s what parents do, and that’s exactly what Harry had shouted at Y/N that she wasn’t. He had fucked up in the worst way and only fate could tell him whether or not he’d be able to fix it.

It was Harry’s turn to cry now, pretending to rub exhaustion out of his eyes rather than tears. Much like earlier when he’d instinctively reached for her hand, he’d hoped she didn’t see it.

She did.

//

Y/N kept her promise to Tallulah and tucked her into bed after she was discharged and sent home with a steroid pack and rash cream. She willed away the wave of nausea she felt walking into the house she’d shared with Harry after all of this time, telling herself that she just needed to make sure Tallulah knew she was at least there to tuck her in. She took turns with Harry, each of them running their fingers through her curls and telling her to have sweet dreams and that they hoped she felt better in the morning. Tallulah insisted that she was fine and wanted to stay up and talk to Y/N about what she thought Santa was doing right now and if he was going to bring her the glittery nail polish that she’d asked him for, but the sleepiness in her eyes told a different story.

“Do you want me t’ call Sarah and have her take you back to your car?” Harry asked when they returned to the living room where they’d entered.

“Figured we ought to have that talk,” she said, unable to meet his eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

“Yeah,” Harry replied in a tone that almost sounds like relief.

“We can definitely do that.”

The pair find their way to the couch, sitting faced towards each other, but not touching. It’s awkward and it makes Y/N want to fall apart because this is her Harry and she’s in her own home, yet it didn’t quite feel it.

“You hurt my feelings,” is all she says, picking at a loose thread on the sofa.

“I know I did,” Harry began.

“I can’t take any of that back, but I want you t’ know how sorry I am, Y/N. None of that shit was true. I should have told you I was gonna be out late. Shouldn’t have even gone out with them, t’ be honest. I couldn’t even tell yeh why I lied when you asked if I saw her there. Just didn’t want you t’ get the wrong idea, I guess.”

“Harry, I already told you that I didn’t care that you-”

“I know yeh did,” Harry interjected, “But I want you t’ know that I’d never even think about doing something like that t’ you. You’re quite literally the best thing that’s ever happened t’ me. Sometimes I don’t even think you’re real. I wouldn’t have made it without you. Neither would Lulah. And that...”

He pauses, trying not to burst into tears right in front of her. Y/N sees his jaw tensing, something Tallulah does when she’s attempting to calm herself down after throwing a fit. She isn’t sure why, but she begins to feel at ease the longer he talks. Maybe it’s just hearing the sound of his voice after so long or maybe it’s because he’s telling her what she’s been wanting to hear, what she was once afraid that she’d never be able to.

“That shit I said about you not being Lulah’s mum. That’s a load. I know you know that. You are her mum, whether she knows that or not. I’m sure she does... I know she does. You’ve been there for everything. You never complain when it gets hard. Yeh could’ve been doing anything else besides helping my sorry ass take care of her, but you didn’t. ‘M not sure if I’m doin’ a good job of convincing you to stay, wouldn’t blame you if yeh didn’t want to, but I really hope that you do. If you don’t, I still want yeh t’ know that you’re her mum. You’ve done things for her that she doesn’t even realize. She loves you so much, Y/N. And so do I. You’re the love of my life. Always will be. I don’t think there’s anybody else out there that makes me feel the way you do. You’re it for me and I need you t’ know that.”

He’s blubbering now, not caring that she sees the salty streaks subconsciously flowing from his dark and gloomy eyes. He felt it coming. She was going to leave. She was going to finish packing tonight and walk out of his life and he wouldn’t get to spend the rest of his life showing her how much he loved her.

That’s when he feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s light, but it’s meant to be comforting.

“Can it be my turn now?” her voice laced with tears as well.

Clearly it was a night for crying.

Harry nods, because that’s all he can do.

“I was frustrated, that night. I don’t think I should have made as big of deal out of you staying out so la-”

“No. You should have. I was being an ars-”

“Harry,” she pleads, “Let me finish, please.”

He lets out a shaky, “Okay,” and she continues.

“It’s not a big deal when you go out with your friends. You’ve just been so....absent lately and that was what set me off. When Clara called me that night it was just so, embarrassing I guess? I didn’t know what to say to her, and it obviously didn’t look good. But I know you wouldn’t do that to me. You’re a good person and a good dad, Harry. I hope you know that, even if you don’t feel like it right now. And the Lulah thing...that hurt. A lot. I know you’re stubborn and hate admitting that you’re wrong, so I’m going to let that speak for itself, but I’ve never once regretted anything that I’ve done with you two. I knew it would be different being with you, but I’ve never thought of any of this as a sacrifice or a burden. You guys make me so happy. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much of a privilege this has felt like to me, to be able to watch her grow up and be a part of it. She is the most magical thing that’s ever happened to me. And so are you.”

Harry’s staring at her, still crying, sillhouette lit up by the lights on the Christmas tree behind her that’s decorated with the ornaments she made with his daughter on that dreadful night. He doesn’t want to hurt Lulah’s feelings, but he makes a mental note to throw them away the second he’s able to so he doesn’t have to think about this ever again.

“I love you, Harry. Please don’t ever lie to me again. Even if it’s about how many minutes you are away from the grocery store. I can’t take it. And I can’t stand to feel so far away from you like this. It’s....gross. And I hate it.”

He perks up at what she’s just said, wondering if she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying.

“You’re staying?” he sounds hoarse and both him and Y/N know he’ll wake up in the morning with a headache from how much he’d been crying.

“Don’t think I have it in me to leave, bubs.”

There’s the slightest hint of a smile on her lips, and Harry’s pulling her into his chest. She holds him as he weeps silently into her neck. The cloud of sadness that had held her captive like a nightmare rushed out of her body so quickly that she couldn’t quite process it. All she felt now were Harry’s arms holding her close and his blubbering into her hair about how he was sorry over and over again.

“I know you are,” Y/N cooed, scratching his scalp in the way that she knew calmed him down.

“‘M gonna keep sayin’ it until you believe me,” he whimpered.

“I do believe you, Harry. I promise. We’re gonna be alright.”

That seemed to steady him a bit as he collected himself. He still held her as his shaking breaths began to even out. He wouldn’t dream of letting her go ever again.

“We’re gonna be alright,” Harry repeated to her, his voice almost inaudible had Y/N not been as close to him as she possibly could have been.

She pulls back to brush the stray curls from his forehead, where she pressed her lips gently to his temple as if he was so delicate that he might shatter if she used anymore force.

This time it was Y/N that saw his face surrounded by the multi-colored lights strung around the fir tree they’d picked from the farm just days before they thought their world was ending. He was beautiful, from the crown of his hair to the tips of his toes, inside and out, she thought. Maybe he didn’t feel like it at the moment, but Y/N made a promise to herself that she’d spend the rest of her life proving to him that he was.

[hi-itsminaya]

Potters have a thing for Gingers

In which Minerva McGonagall witnesses three generations worth of Potters and manages to stay sane.

Read on AO3

1955

“MIA! Your husband is back! Tell him to go away, I’m trying to work!” Minerva McGonagall shouted to her coworker, Euphemia Potter. The smile that broke out on the ginger woman's face was blinding as she ran up in her husband's waiting arms.

“Monty!”

“Mia, my love!”

As the two embraced Minerva turned her head to give them a little more privacy, she knew Euphemia missed her husband dearly while he was away, whether it be an Auror mission or a simple marketing trip for his newest potion.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be back so early! I thought I would only get to see you again next week!!” Euphemia took her husband face in her hands, running her thumbs under his eyes and pressing a kiss to lips.

“I wanted to surprise you!” Fleamont mumbled and went for another kiss until Minerva gave an uncomfortable cough behind them.

“Oh! Sorry Minnie!” Euphemia said, looking back to where Minerva was managing the paperwork floating through. “Oh put that down Minnie you deserve a bit of a break! Goodness you’ve been working none stop all week!”

“Well someone has to do it!” Minerva exclaimed as she continued to file through all the letters and reports “And you seem a bit… preoccupied”.

A light blush took upon Euphemia's cheeks just before Fleamont smacked a great big kiss on her cheeks causing her to let out a fit of giggles. Years worth of marriage only ever strengthen the love they felt for each other and they couldn't be more grateful.

“Lovely” Minerva rolled her eyes, knowing all too well that Fleamont just stole her coworker's attention for the rest of the day.

“Oh come on Minnie don’t be like that!” Fleamont chuckled, mischievous cleary lacing his voice. “I know deep down you missed me as well!”

“I thought I already told you, only Euphemia has my permission to call me such a childish nickname!” Minerva whirled around to look at the older man who was grinning like a teenage boy, happily holding his wife in his arms. “And for Merlin’s sake you two, this is a work zone! You two aren’t sixteen anymore!”

“We like to pretend we still are, isn't that right Mia?” He shot Euphemia a wink.

“Heavens Fleamont! Not here!” As much as she wanted to scowl him she couldn't help but laugh as her face went beet red.

“You two are impossible!” Minnie huffed, organising the last of the Auror Report and sending them off to the minister. “Absolutely impossible!”

“Oh come on now Minnie! You love us-” Fleamont started but was cut off when a big brown owl swooped into the room and landed right on his head sending Euphemia into another fit of laughter. It was holding a letter addressed to Minerva in its beak and Euphemia took the letter and handed the owl a treat before it was off again leaving Fleamont to dust off it’s remaining feathers.

“Minnie!! It’s from Hogwarts!!” Euphemia said excitedly, handing the letter to her friend.

“What! Really!” Minerva snatched the letter out of her hands. She ripped the seal and quickly began reading.

“Dear Miss McGonagall... “ She continued to read mumbling to herself as Fleamont and Euphemia stood next to her waiting for her to finish. They both knew the young witch had applied to Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardly for the transfiguration Professor position since Armando Dippet was no longer able to withhold both Transfiguration Prof. And Headmaster at the same time.

“... pleased to inform you that you have been accepted as the new Transfiguration Professor!!!” Minerva was shouting by the end, her voice filled with so much joy and excitement.

“YES!! We knew you could do it Minnie!!” Euphemia attacked her friend in a great bear hug. Minerva, who had long since learned Mia’a hugging tendencies, embraced her back with just as much force. She lifted her head just in time to see Fleamont poke his head out the door and shout.

“OI EVERYONE! MINNIE GOT THE JOB! SHE’S GOING BACK TO HOGWARTS!!” ---- 1960 Minerva McGonagall ran down the hall of St-Mungos as fast as she could, trying to reach the appointed room the medi-witch pointed her too. She dodged trolleys of potions and sick patients walking the halls, yelling a quick ‘sorry’ here and there until she finally arrived at the door to the room she was looking for and burst through.

“I’M HERE!!! I’m here! I’m sorry I’m- Oh my goodness”

Minerva was left speechless when she saw Euphemia Potter lying in the hospital bed holding a small little bundle wrapped in a blanket with Fleamont Potter sitting next to her, neither doing anything to stop the flow of tears streaming down their cheeks. Minerva slowly walked up to the couple, just enough to see a messy tuff of raven black hair poke out from the blanket.

“Minnie”

Minerva looked slowly raised her eyes off the small boy and met Euphemia’s. The poor dear looked absolutely exhausted yet as always she was smiling the most beautiful smile.

“Meet James Fleamont Potter.”

“Futur troublemaker and creator of all mischief!!”

“Monty!” Euphemia lightly swatted her husband on the shoulder but couldn’t help but laugh.

“Can I hold him?” Minerva asked quietly.

Fleamont gently took the baby from Euphemia and handed him to Minevra and just as he placed him in her arms he let out a little sneeze causing her heart to melt even more.

“Oh my goodness, he’s so precious.”

“I think that’s the closest shes ever come to complimenting me” Fleamont joked, sending Mia in a fit of giggles. As easy as it was to please Euphemia, only her husband could ever make her laugh so much.

“We both know I was talking about your son, Fleamont” Minerva knew better than to participate in his childish games but, and she would never admit this out loud, she did find his jokes rather funny at times.

“Just look at him! He’s the exact carbon copy of me!” It was true, little James was barely two hours old and it was perfectly clear that he would look like his father’s clone. What with the entire tuff of raven hair already on his head, not a strand of his mothers ginger hair in sight.

“Merlin let this child be more like Euphemia then you!” Minerva let out exasperated.

“I hope so too! I didn’t spend nine months baking him only to make a second Monty! Merlin knows we only need one to drive us crazy” Euphemia teased lightly, pressing a kiss to her husband's cheek. Fleamont wrapped an arm around her and held her close to him. Merlin did he ever love this woman, he loved her with everything he had.

“Mia, look, look at his eyes” Minnies gasped, handing the baby back to his mother.

“They’re-” Fleamont started.

“Hazel…! “ Mia quietly whispered for her husband, marvelling at the two multicoloured orbs that were curiously staring up at her. It was the first time little James opened his eyes wide enough for the world to see they’re colour and Mia marvelled at the pair of them. “Monty… his eyes! They’re hazel!”

“Just as beautiful as yours, my love” He said quietly, pressing a kiss on her lips and then another on little James’ head.

McGonagall looked at the new little family and couldn’t help but smile. The couple who had long wished for a child finally got what they deserved; the most beautiful, healthy baby boy. Minnie could practically see the love they had for each other radiating off the couple and they’re newborn in waves.

______________________ 1977

Minerva McGonagall sat in the stand for the Gryffindor vs Ravenclaw match, watching happily as James Potter scored yet another goal for the Gryffindor team. If she thought he looked like his father as a toddler, that was nothing compared to right now. He was the exact carbon copy of his father, personality and all. The sense of mischief and adventure ran through his veins but he had the mother hen nature of his mum as well as her eyes. James Fleamont Potter could not have been a more perfect combination of Fleamont and Euphemia.

“AND GRYFFINDOR WINS THE QUIDDITCH CUP!!”

Minerva was snapped out of her thoughts by the hundreds of cheers coming from the stands, watching as the entire Gryffindor house spreads into the Quidditch pitch congratulation their players. Her eyes cough one particular ginger girl who was running up at full speed into the arms of waiting boyfriend. The couple looked so similar to Fleamont and Euphemia that Minnie had to look at the two a second time to make sure it wasn’t them. She laughed internally at the irony, Merlin, Potter’s surely had a thing for gingers.

As Minerva got up from the stand to make her way down to the pitch, her mind was racing with memories from her time with Mia and Monty. It was scary how much Lily and James resemble the older couple.

“James you were spectacular!!” Lily smiled up at him

“Well, obviously it was because I had my lucky charm cheering for me!” James winked at Lily, picked her up and spun her around. Lily let out a fit of giggles that sounded so similar to Euphemia, Minevra stopped dead in her tracks to compose herself.

“Oi! Lily! Stop hogging our captain!” Sirius Black yelled and attacked James in a great bear hug causing Lily to let go of him in a yelp.

“Sirius!!”

But Lily’s protest was cut short when Remus joined in the group hug as well and then Peter, then the whole thing just ended in a dog pile on the floor but none the less everyone found it hilarious.

When the rest of the Quidditch team joined in on the dog pile, McGonagall felt she had to intervene before the team ended up accidentally killing their captain.

“Alright! That’s enough! Up you get, all of you!” She waved her wand, gently lifting all the students off of the Marauders who were still lying on the ground laughing.

“Up you get Potter!”

“Aww Come on Minnie! We were just having a bit of fun!” The grin on his face was something Minerva was far too familiar with.

“Just because you won the Quidditch Cup doesn’t mean I won’t give you detention if you continue to call me such childish nicknames!”

The boy simply laughed knowing all too well she would never do such a thing considering he’s been calling her Minnie since he was a kid.

When he did eventually get up, the Quidditch cup was presented to the Gryffindor team and the Gryffindor house had never cheered louder, screaming with joy and pride for their team. McGonagall couldn’ help but smile, she felt an overwhelming feeling of joy flood through her both for her little Gryffindors and for the boy she considered her nephew. He had grown so much the past year and she could not be more proud of him. Granted she would never say such a thing out loud, a compliment like that would go straight to his head!

When the cup was handed to James he lifted it up in the hair causing everyone to scream even louder, then he handed it off to Sirius and gave Lily all of his attention, snogging her like there was no tomorrow.

“Merlin you two! This is a school zone, not your personal broom closet!”

“Sorry professor!!” ---- 1980 Minerva McGonagall was running down the hall of St-Mungos for the second time for similar reasons, she just received Owl that Lily Potter (née Evans) had given birth and she hated herself for missing it. She knew James would have wanted her to be there since his parents… couldn’t.

When she finally arrived at the correct room she gently knocked on the door and head a soft ‘come in’.

Minnie opened the door and stopped. For a moment, just one moment, she saw Euphemia and Fleamont Potter cuddling there newborn and she couldn’t stop the tear building in her eyes. She missed her friends dearly and would do practically anything to have them here to see their own child becoming a father.

After blinking a few times and wiping the tears that escaped her eyelids, she walked into the room and saw a very tired Lily giggling at her husband who was in an absolute daze holding his baby.

Lily looked up at her and smiled “Hello Professor” she whispered gently, “We’d like you to meet someone”

Minnie couldn’t take it, Lily Potter was simply too similar to Euphemia for her heart not to shatter into a million pieces. She tried desperately to compose herself but couldn’t control the flood of tears.

“Meet Harry James Potter”

James got up from where he was sitting next to Lily and slowly walked over to the woman his considered his Aunt, gently placing his son in her arms. McGonagall didn’t say a word, just stood there holding little James- No - little Harry in her arms and watched as James went to sit back down next to Lily, holding her tightly in his arms and whispering sweet nothings in her ear.

Bloody hell, she thought.

“Heavens, he’s perfect Lily, absolutely perfect” She told Lily who was smiling such a bright and blinding smile up at her.

“Thank you” Lily replied gratefully. “He was barely born an hour ago and you can already tell he’s the carbon copy of James”

“Our own mini Marauder!” James said proudly.

“Merlin forbid he turns out to be like you, James!” Lily teased lightly and Minerva thought faith wasn’t sure whether faith was being horribly cruel or terribly kind to her. Terribly cruel for creating to people so similar to her best friends, or terribly kind for letting her know hat they are indeed still with her.

As she continued to gently sway little Harry from side to side, the baby gave out a small coo and opened his eyes nice and wide for the world to see their colour.

“Oh Merlin…”

“What? What’s wrong?”

McGonagall handed the baby back to his parents and watched them marvel at the two emeralds starting up at them.

“His eyes! They’re green!” Lily was relieved to know her son had at least inherited something from her!

“As beautiful as emeralds, just like yours my love” James whispered, looking at Lily. The couple sat silently marvelling at the new little creation and Minevra quietly sat down in a chair, enjoying the peaceful silence until Sirius Black burst through the door with Remus and Peter following.

“We couldn't find Minnie! Merlin what’s taking so long for her to get her- Oh! Hello Minnie!! Did you see my new godson! Isn’t he great! Sirius rambled on.

As Sirius continues to chatters as Minnie greeted Remus and Peter who happily sat next to her. She notices the bags under all their eyes and couldn’t stop the overwhelming black hole she feels in her stomach. These kids were 19 and yet two of them were married and had a child and they were all fighting a war. A war no children should be fighting and challenges no nineteen year old should ever have to face. 

______________________ 2000

Minerva sat in the front row seat of the church, right before the altar. She watched as Harry Potter nervously wiped off the sweat on his forehead with a cloth that his best man, Ron Weasley, gave to him. She couldn't help but chuckle at the young man’s nervousness, his father had been the exact same at his wedding.

She let out a heavy sigh, this was a happy day filled with love and positive moments, this wasn't the day to be mourning the death of a couple to young to die, but instead to celebrate the union of one. Still, the heaviness in Minevra heart stayed as she watched Ginny Weasley walk down the aisle. As Ginny walked past her and Minnie could no longer see her face, she taught for a brief moment how much this young woman looked like Lily.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today…”

As the wedding continued, Minnie’s mind kept wandering back to James and Lily’s wedding, one she had also attended and couldn’t help but let out a little sob. Life was horribly unfair. Euphemia and Fleamont died just when James needed them the most, instead, leaving him to figure out how to be a father and survive a war all on his own. Then faith had to be even crueller and steal James and Lily from their son, their one-year-old baby forcing Harry to grow up in the most loveless and despicable house Minerva had ever seen. Yet despite all the horrible events from both wars, life carried on and now she got to witness the lastest Potter marry his own Ginger.

“Here” Molly Weasley said next to her, handing her a tissue “There is no shame in crying during a wedding”

“He’s grown so much, both of them have”

“Indeed” Molly agreed, her voice quivering. Her little baby girl was getting married. Molly never thought she would ever feel happiness after the death of her son yet here she was, smiling with absolute joy as she watched her little Ginny marry the man she loved. “They’re perfect for each other”

After a quick moment of silence between the two, Minnie let out a breath.

“They look so much like James and Lily…”

Molly looked up at McGonagall and saw that the older woman had tears in her eyes, a mixture of grief and happiness that burned her pupils. Molly took the elder woman’s hand in her’s and gave a light squeeze, a small action that meant the world the Minerva.

When the wedding came to an end and both Harry and Ginny said their “I do”, they sealed their marriage with a kiss and ran down the aisle with the crowd cheering around them. Hermione, Ron, Neville and Luna cheering louder than all the other guest. 

---- 2005

Minerva McGonagall sat in the waiting room of St-Mungos accompanied by the entire Weasley clan. They were all impatiently waiting for the arrival of Harry and Ginny’s first baby and they were all getting a little antsy.

“What if something’s wrong with the baby!! Or what if something goes horribly wrong!-”

“Molly dear, please, calm down. Everything will be fine. I’m sure the healer will be out any second now”

Right he was, mear seconds later the healer exited the room Harry and Ginny were currently in, giving them the ‘okay’ to enter. Of course, Molly was the first one to push herself through the door followed by her husband and the rest of their kids.

Minerva laughed as she slowly got up from her chair and made her way through the door. Molly was already holding the newborn, swaying him gently as he grabbed onto her finger with Arthur looking over her shoulder cooing at the baby.

“He’s perfect Gin-Gin, absolutely perfect” Molly whispered quietly as to not wake up the sleeping infant.

“Thanks, mum” Ginny replied tiredly, she was leaning against Harry's shoulder half asleep while Harry ran his finger through her hair, giving her a nice scalp massage and a kiss on her forehead.

“That’s our boy” He whispered gently in her ear causing the Ginny to smile.

“Could I hold him next, Harry?” Hermione Weasley (née Granger) asked.

“Oh me next!”

“No me!”

Eventually, everyone got around to holding the little boy, all giving their congratulations to the parents until it was finally Minnie’s turn to hold him.

“What are you going to name him?” Molly asked her daughter who was half asleep on her husband’s shoulder.

“Harry? You want to tell them?” Ginny tiredly asked, not having the energy for anything else.

Harry got up from his spot next to Ginny and took the baby from where he was sleeping in Molly’s arms, then he walked over to McGonagall and gently placed him in her arms.

“Professor, meet James Sirius Potter”

And just as he spoke those words, little James Sirius opened his eyes for the world to see and two teasing, mischievous hazel eyes sparkled up at Minerva, taunting her.

Minerva let out a half sob half laugh at the irony “Hello there James Sirius” to which the baby cooed back up at her all too knowingly.

As she handed the baby back to his father, she watched as Harry sat back down next to Ginny who immediately cuddled into his side and admired their new little boy. She thought about all the challenges and hardship both faced in the past years and was proud at what both had accomplished.

As she left the room an hour later claiming she had headmistress duties that needed he attention, she smiled, laughing while walking down the hall to the floo network.

‘Merlin’ she thought ’Potters certainly has a thing for gingers’

THE END!

---------------

Thank you for reading! hope you enjoyed!

[tragedyfollows-a]

" You don’t get to choose your parents. Your family is your family, whether you like it or not. You are A  PART  of that bloodline. “       But if I did have a say, I would have chosen another life. I would have chosen a mother who loved me and cared for me, instead of worrying about her next high. I would have chosen a father who wanted to stick around, instead of leaving my mother and including me in the mix. A father who loved me enough to include me in his new family. Parents who had a baby out of love, not because they had a few too many to drink and not enough money for an abortion. This is the sad truth, welcome to all the things you have no control over - all the things that are IMPOSSIBLE to change.

After my father walked out on my mother and I, at only seven years old - my mother seemed to have trouble accepting the loss of someone that was still alive. She drowned her sorrows in liquor and slept away her misery, thanks to the “ medicine. “ I was only seven years old, preparing my own dinner - drawing my own baths. I had to become the adult when I was only a child. Thanks a lot, mom. I don’t know how it happened, I never actually asked any questions now that I think about it; I was removed from the home and placed in foster care. I bounced from home to home up until I turned twelve. The places I encountered were the shitiest places I’ve ever seen. I slept on rock hard floors with only a frail piece of fabric to cover myself with. Some days, I was locked away in my bedroom, without a single soul to talk too.  I had never felt more alone in the world. Yet, in some sort of twisted world, I would have chosen living on hardwood floors, having no food in my stomach and having people pretend I didn’t exist over living with my Aunt and her husband.

It wasn’t always bad at first, but I did notice the extra drinks Jim would sneak when my Aunt Laura would go to bed. My mother was an addict, how could I not notice the same traits? His mouth would get filthy, his hands would get grabby and all my aunt would ever say was, “ Oh, sweetie. You know Uncle Jim; when he drinks, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t mean it. “ I never understood it, adults were supposed to be smart but every one that I encountered, would make excuses for their inexcusable behavior. Aunt Laura would shower me with gifts. Beautiful dresses, books, sketchbooks, and even journals. She encouraged the talents that I would hide from the world. She encouraged me to be great - while Jim would sit back and laugh at me. He would tell me I would never amount to more than a wannabe artist. Jim held all the power of making me feel SMALL. Smaller than I have ever felt before.

I could deal with the verbal abuse. The comments that would make me look in the mirror and second guess my own existence - my own self-worth. I could deal with this for six more years, until my eighteenth birthday. If things got worse, I could escape at sixteen. Find a job at the youngest age I could work at, and save up every cent I ever made. I could get emancipated and live on my own - just the way I have been doing for years. ---- I hit my fifteenth birthday faster than I expected. Years had flown by and I guess that was expected when all you ever did was waste the days away - hiding from the people who were supposed to love you. People that had no choice because you were family, just like momma always said, but I guess I shouldn’t have really listened to anything she said... After all, she was drugged out ninety-five percent of the time.

I pathetically thought things would have gotten better by now, but they have only become worse. When Jim drinks now, his fingerprints sting my face. That’s only after Aunt Laura storms out of the house. I swore he would make her leave on purpose just so I could be defenseless. I was no match for a man twice the size of me. Neither was she, but two against one was better than Jim against me.

I was sixteen, hiding in my room because Jim decided tonight was the night to drink a bottle to the face. My aunt stupidly made the decision to stay in his view and I knew dishes would be heard smashing soon enough. I knew she would be crying out for him to stop any second, and I was just worried about staying quiet enough to be forgotten, and I was, but Aunt Laura was not. The yelling and crying went on for hours, only to get louder as the night went on. I couldn’t stay in the comfort of my room and listen to Jim snap, who knew what he was capable of. Who knew what I was capable of.

I had a baseball bat in my closet. I always loved baseball, when Aunt Laura and Jim first took me in, I was hoping there were chances they would take me to the games - or at least teach me how to play. But that little bit of hope quickly faded after realizing who I was dealing with. I always imagined hitting home runs with the purple bat, but instead, I was smashing my aunts’ husbands’ face in with it. I didn’t know I was actually going to use the bat as I stormed down the hallway with it locked in my fist. I just wanted to scare him off of my aunt. I wanted to strike fear in him the same way he has done to me for years on years. I walked into the room, the bat aimed high above my shoulders and you know what this asshole did when he spotted me? He laughed. He laughed right in my face, basically DARING me to use it - and, well, he didn’t have to triple dog dare me.

Something inside of me snapped. I broke. After a lifetime of being tortured, used and abused, I wanted my revenge. So, I hit my uncle with the bat. First, I blew out his kneecaps so he was eye level with me, and then I began hitting him in the face. Over and over again until my aunt was pulling me off, screaming “ that’s enough, Amelia! that’s enough! “ I could only see darkness. I could no longer see Jim’s face. I was gone and the person in my body was not me. Because Amelia Hart would not commit such a hideous crime. Aunt Laura crept over his body, trembling fingers reaching out to check his pulse - only to scream in terror a few seconds later. I didn’t have to ask if there was one, I already knew the answer.

“ Come on, we have to get you out of here. “ Those were the last words Aunt Laura spoke to me. I think she was too afraid to say anything else to me, I didn’t mind it though. I was too shaken up to say anything. She bathed the blood off of me, while I just stared into the distance. Replaying the image over and over again, until it was scorched into my memory. She scrubbed at my skin until I turned as red as a tomato, she cried for her husbands' blood to leave my pale skin - but I knew no matter how hard she scrubbed at my arms, the blood would always remain. He was now a part of me, a part of me I just couldn’t escape.

She packed me a small bookbag, the smallest one I’ve traveled with yet. She led me to the car and drove. Continued to drive until we were four towns over at a train station. She paid for my ticket and was on her way. Not a word was said to me, not a glance was exchanged. She spoke more to the person behind the window then she did to me the entire way over here. Aunt Laura turned her back on me and left me in the middle of nowhere - just as everyone else has done to me. I thought I was protecting her. I thought I was doing the right thing. Turns out I wasn’t. I had just become a monster, I guess that’s what happens when you throw a child into war and tell them to come out untouched.

I am twenty-four now. My hometown is Boston, New York. I work at the bookshop on the corner of my street. I also like to label myself as a painter, but with the way my sales are going - I think I’ll just have to pick up more hours at the bookstore. I have no friends out here, except Trinity but she’s more of a coworker than anything. We talk while we work, but it’s only ever about the new books we received and the ones we’ve read a thousand times before. She never asks me to go out for drinks, and I never invite her to hang out at my place. I like where our “ friendship is at. “

What I’ve learned is to leave people out of my life. To not let anyone in past the walls I have guarding myself. I don’t ask questions, therefore I expect no one to ask me questions. I can never let anyone find out the truth about who I am. I can never let anyone find out where I came from, what I’ve seen, been through and the things that I have done. I was given a chance to be free, a chance to live my life the way I want too. I might have to hide who I really am, but in this world, I can be whoever I want to be. Of course, there are consequences like being alone, but for once... I don’t mind it.

My name Is Iris Green, I am twenty-four years old, my parent’s died in a car accident when I was sixteen.

What’s your name?  

[bruisedwillow]

lauren willow limbrey

                                                  the prologue

A four month old pregnant Lauren had finally finished her paperwork for the day and was ready to go home. She walked out of the firm and waved goodbye to her coworkers before heading to her black range rover. “ bye guys see you tomorrow! “ 

She smiled and put her car in drive, heading to her apartment in downtown cambridge, massachusetts. it was a beautiful brick townhouse with white accents and vines that grew up the sides of it like something you’d see in new york—as she pulled up to the street and parked, she noticed the light upstairs that was connected to her room was turned on—her husband wasn’t supposed to be home from his business trip until wednesday and he had left two days prior.being excited that he was home she rushed inside , dropping her purse and trotting up the stairs—her excitement dulled though upon hearing another voice in the room with him. their room, carefully pressing her ear to the closed door, she heard moaning…that was when she swung the door open to find her newly wedded husband in bed with another woman. 

“ what the fuck ?! “ she exclaimed before running away and down the stairs, her spouse chasing after her. as he tried to grab her arm she turned and punched him—in the nose, completely shattering it. the woman he was with just behind him. 

“ are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm done. I'm packing my shit and leaving. “ she yelled at him and grabbed the girl's arm, shoving her out of the apartment. 

“ get the fuck out whore! “

That night she packed as much as she could and drove away from the place she called home for the past 5 years…crying in her car she seeked refuge at a friend's house a town over and she’d stay there for the remainder of her days…she started over.

                                                birth of an heiress

      Born on a rainy day in may , lauren willow limbrey was born to parents carla and elliot limbrey in Lawrence hospital in fallwell,  just outside of Salem, Massachusetts at 11:30 am. The hospital was a quiet one , never too much commotion and that could be said for the limbrey family at least for the first sixteen years of Lauren's life. 

     When she was a child, Lauren loved going out on small adventures at sea with her father who was an archeologist and grew a deep passion for it. She had a talent for singing and did the annual Lady of Salem pageant annually to showcase these talents, she was well known around town as the songbird of the town. her father always encouraged her to sing and to keep going on adventures and to never stop being herself. her mother on the other hand always wanted her to be on the straight and narrow and it caused some conflict between the two. 

      At the age of sixteen, Elliot limbrey was out on an expedition and never came back.after his passing, Lauren and her mother grew to resent each other and it only fueled her to leave right after highschool, and so she did…and she never ever looked back . . . 

                                           expect the unexpected 

During Lauren's time at college she fell for a man named logan—he had blonde hair and light eyes..a true dreamboat. They fell fast in love and were engaged a year into their relationship, set to marry a year later.—with lauren landing a job at a local firm and his career in tech it was more than easy to afford a wedding and the following year they eloped on the shores of california with close friends and family.—they spent their honeymoon’ house hunting, landing them in west cambridge, Massachusetts just a few miles from her new job. everything felt right where it needed to be. until one night she felt sick to her stomach —racing to the bathroom she puked into the toilet and then she knew…she didn’t tell her lover until she knew for sure so she took a trip to the late night gas station and picked up a test doing it that night. —she sat on the toilet and cried, she didn’t know what to do at that point. The next morning she told him and his reaction surprised her. He wanted to have the baby and that immediately had made her feel better about the situation at hand. sure it was unexpected—but she was excited for this new journey for them. they had some rocky patches a year prior but she felt that this would fix their relationship. . . she was wrong. 

( refer to prologue ) —after he was caught cheating on her and she had cleared their joint bank account and moved out. Five months later, she had the baby and signed divorce papers all in the same breath. It felt like her world was crumbling while at the same time starting over felt good. . .

                                          back to limbrey manor

       “ what?—okay…thank you. “ the blonde hung up her phone as she sat across the dining table looking up to her roommate. “ My grandmother passed away last night. They are having her funeral this weekend… '' her heart sank to her stomach and her head began to whirl. she knew she’d be seeing everyone she knew…including her mother. someone she hadn’t seen in four years—not even called or anything—she wanted nothing to do with her, or that town. 

        The next day she was on the next train out to Salem, Massachusetts  and made it there the day of, tired, dressed in all black she took an uber up to the place where they had her funeral and had arrived just before the ceremony before it started. she stood quietly in the small group as those who were super close to him were asked to say a few words—``Lauren? Would you like to say a few words? we know you two were close… “ It caught her off guard but she did nonetheless and walked up to the front, taking in a deep breath. 

          “ she was a good woman—she always supported my father and it extended to me as well…I wish I had come to see him more before she passed. “ she concluded before joining the group again…once the service was over and people walked back to their car it began to rain and a man with an envelope approached her. he handed her the paper with her name written on it and stamped with a wax seal with the letter L on it in cursive, before she could ask about it the man was gone. 

      she got in her black kia and opened the letter and it read:

       ‘ Miss Limbrey, 

             please be in attendance to 1414 

             Westmore drive tomorrow at noon.      

                   best regards and condolences, 𝓛 𝓜. ‘

“ LM— “ she thought to herself as she closed the letter and sighed before driving to her hotel for the evening to get some rest. 

        The next day , Lauren was found being picked up by a town car and taken to the destination described on the paper. as she sat in the back wearing black slacks , a white blouse and a black blazer with black pumps , one leg crossed over the other and hands placed in her lap as the car drove up a familiar driveway that led to an even more familiar house. it was her grandfather's estate, a place she had been to often when her parents were out of town. she sighed as she got out of the car and walked up to the door and opened it, stepping inside. 

        She heard voices coming from the direction of where her grandfather had his office. she walked down the hallway, her heels clicking on the wood floor as she approached the door—sticking an ear to it to listen. 

        “ This is impossible! “ a woman could be heard and the blonde rolled her eyes before walking in as if she hadn’t overheard. “ hello— is this the right room? “ she said softly, walking in and glancing at the other three people in the small room. it was her mother, and two other men. “ Ah Lauren, hi dear. Come sit. “ 

       The short blonde took a seat near the others, further away from her mother though. “ What am I doing here? “ she asked, giving a glare to her mother that could cut through a rock. ``We have your grandfather's will to go over with everyone. “ the man in her grandpa’s chair says. “Who the hell are you? '' she asked a little too frustratingly. “ his attorney. now— “ after we went over frivolous things they’d all been gifted—she thought it was the end until he called put those last words. 

      “ the heir of the limbrey fortune goes to elliot limbrey..if he cannot retrieve it or passes before i do than my fortune and home go to his first born—lauren.. “ with a few scoffs from the peanut gallery she rolled her eyes before widening them realizing what he said. 

“ me? why? “  she questioned, her face riddled with confusion..

“ she trusted you the most and knew you would do something good with it..”

“ with what exactly? “ 

“ the money and the estate, with all of its possessions-they are all yours miss limbrey. “

Lauren finally took a seat and swallowed the lump in her throat.

“ How much ? “ her voice low..

“ twenty million. Half in cash and half in a savings account..” her jaw dropped, what the hell was she to do with twenty million dollars? Her life was about to change...

[pink-valkyrie]

Leonis and the lionheart pirates

Disclaimer: I do not own one piece or its character all rights go to oda. The oc’s , the background for them are my bestfriends the-wallflower-artist. This written version is mine.

Kento Aster Leonis didn't have it easy growing up. Her mother died shortly after her birth leaving it to the newly retired vice-admiral to take care of his baby girl.  As she grew she dreamed of seeing the world after hearing her father tales of being a marine but didn't wanna travel down that path hearing how the marines were changing. As the girl turns into a adolescent teen her father begins to teach her the basic of fighting and martial arts. She later asked him to train her with a sword and her sixteenth birthday he gives her his sword and a heavy dose of training. She was a quickly learner. But as she and her skills grew she remained the ever bubbly and energetic child she always was. She wore her dark brown hair up in a messy bun, her emerald eyes sparkled lighting her freckled face that set off a beautiful glow when she smiled. It was disarming to think that this young lady had the slightest of skills but you just had to get her mad first then she went on a rampage. Oh how embarrassing it was for her father the first time he was called in to stop her. The kid had teased her a bit to much and bang she exploded, maybe she needed more discipline than he thought or maybe she had just been blessed with her mothers explosive temper. It was definitely the latter he thought of his late wife and how proud she would be of her daughter and he hoped of him to for raising her the best he could. It brought a smile to his face and a few tears to his eyes. As she finally settled down they had a talk, he paid for the damages down and the teenage boy the dare mocked his daughter was only mildly hurt and he was very apologetic it seemed so no actions would be taken. The pair went back home in silence, Leonis was very worried she had witnessed her fathers odd mood swings so she had returned to her calm self and reluctantly followed him home. Maybe I should just go to bed but as the door shut she would have no such luck having to endure another one of his painful lectures. It lasted two and half hours. Oh she should've ran when she had the chance finally she was free to go to bed. Before she shut the door she heard him call to her "Night sunflower." Smiling at the nickname he had given her for how it fitted her personality. Even though he had scolded her pretty good it was how she know he wasn't that mad and that he still loved her. "Night dad" She called back before settling for a peaceful rest. Her dreams were filled with her ideas of adventure. As she said as a child to her father "I want to see the whole world." ----------Years had passed and the sixteen year old was now a 20 year old woman about to set sail on a trading ship. It had been a hard goodbye to say to her father. For 20 years he had raised her to be the person she always wanted to be supporting her and loving her fully as a father should. Putting her first and now that she was leaving he knew to hold back tears until she was out of sight at least so she wouldn't waver anymore on starting her journey. She already picked a crew name for when she to become a pirate the lionheart pirates he laughed it suited his daughter, and what would hopefully be a crew. He knew that she was going to accomplish her goals, and wished her well, hoping that she'd find her new friends and contact him soon. She traveled the east blue islands, bumming rides while bounty hunting not having much luck. She meets her first mate and cook Ian, Dark hair, tanned skin and olive green eyes. He was quite the looker. Ian helped Lenois out when her temper gets her in trouble at the bar he was working at. His boss and coworkers are his ‘family.’ He was adopted by his ‘Boss’ when he was living on the street as a child. He was taught how to use knives/daggers.  Ever the gentleman he finally lost his cool, kicking one of the guys knocking him down before flashing his knives. "All you bastards against one lady isn't gonna work for me. So I'll give you a choice fight me and the lovely lady here or you can leave my bar now." The owner and Ian's adopted father stepping in." I'm not against fighting but you won't be brawling in my bar." Shortly after the odds evened out the other men left. After a couple hours of conversing and exchanging stories. Ian agreed to travel with Leonis as her cook. They took odds jobs and bummed another ride to the next island . Over time they noticed the marine base on the island they were on when return the bounties seemed very shady. Leonis and Ian discovered the marines involvement with a notorious pirate group! The pirates were dealing money to the marines for ‘protection’, while they terrorized the neighboring towns. The marines just coming a ‘little too late’. Leonis couldn’t handle that. Even if most marines take justice a little too seriously. Seeing marines become greedy and benefit on others misfortune is cruel! People  died over their greed! So her and her first mate take it upon themselves to end this. And after some grueling fights, she defeated the pirate captain. Then she turned and confronted the captain in charge of the marine base. Telling them she’s here to ‘claim a bounty.’ Tossing the bruised up pirate captain’s body on the ground. This begins a fight and she defeats the captain of the marine base to, revealing the ugly truth to the townsfolk to what’s going on. They were thanked profusely, and as a gift they were given some food and a old fisherman’s boat. At the moment there was no going back. They were seen as a threat to marines. Over time they begin to build a bounty, and start their life as the Lionheart pirates. Stopping at the next island Leonis and Ian would unknowingly meet their next crewmate on this island. As soon as they gathered their supplies and got some food at a near by bar things got bad with a encounter with a mercenary turns out the marine captain of the base didn't like being outed in such away. The hired killer caused quite a ruckus. Knocking  Ian unconscious  and wounding Leonis's shoulder. Making the decision to retreat and regroup. She grabbed her cook and decided to run into the crowd. Finally after losing him she ran into a back alley.  Trying to catch her breath after hauling the injured Ian's body at a frantic pace. She only hopped they got away when she heard a nearby doorway creak open. Slightly panicking our sunflower was met with a young woman. Stella Locke the blondewoman with bright blue eyes that had seemingly lost a spark was treat both crewmates in her office behind the door in the alley. "Thanks for treating us." The blonde  glanced up from working on Ian. "Oh you're welcome, can't say I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart though. You are going to pay me after this. Right? "  A shocked Leonis recovered "Right." "So why the office in the alley way." "That's not important is it? Asking for information will cost you extra. but a piece of advice in the town you'll get in trouble prying into others lives. This town hasn't ever been very friendly." "Can't say I'm surprised your asking questions though you do look like outsiders." Finally understanding this woman was brash, cautious, and more than likely had a past that was too soon to share with strangers, Leonis lightened up putting her bright and cheer atmosphere. "Thanks for your advice. It's appreciated we are not from here. We were traveling here together our some friends for our crew. We got into quite the mess helping out some people on the island before this one. So as soon as you're done, I'll give you the money and we will be out of the way. " Smiling cause a crack in Stella's blank face causing her to smile in return, "As soon as I'm done with him you'll be next and after you pay you can stay until he wakes up. We won't have much business today anyway. " Surprisgly they had stayed awhile, when Ian had woken he cooked for his captain and the doctor, the three of them had shared a nice meal. She enjoyed that, it felt like it had been forever since talked to anyone friendly. She never enjoyed helping other as much as he had them. She felt happy. Actually she longed to go with them. After Ian and Leonis left Stella was greeted with the drunken angry doctor coming home and remembered why that was impossible. She was sold to the doctor by her parents to pay for their medical bills so they wouldn’t get killed by his ‘debt collectors.’ He forced to learn medicine and surgery in the worst of ways. She had long suffered while she still was the gentle and kind person she always had been working for that monster of a man an with his shady costumers taughter her how to keep to herself among other things. He was already a asleep. She would have to deal with him tomorrow afternoon when he awoke.-----Earlier the next day Ian and Leonis had took down the hunter that was prusing them." Lets celebrate by buying some food and going to see Stella!", "Whatever you want captain."  When they arrived they heard yelling, cussing, thing being thrown, being alarmed, They immedatiely busted open the door and on the floor was Stella tears in her eyes, bruises, cuts, and handprints forming. They were both upset with what they had just seen."Ian get Stella and get her out of here." Leonis was furious Ian had never seen her like this in the few months he'd known his captain not even the marine based incedent had upset her this much. She was seriously pissed off. "But captain.." "No you got to have your fun with the hunter, I'm gonna wreck this place and this awful person with it. No but's about it. Now please take Stella to a safe place and treat her then we'll go have our lunch together." As soon as they were gone things got serious. She kicked some equipment out of her way as they locked up in a fight. After blow was exchanged for a ordinary man he was was pretty good at dodging then she recived a cut to her cheek. He was brandishing a scapel. That's gotta go she gowled at him. knocking it out of his hand, she launched her self at him knocking him to theground where she punched him into a unconcious mess. She took something that appeared to be Stella's and left the office/apparment building in ruins. As she arrived Stella was asleep on Ian's bed. He nearly fainted when he saw the shape of his captain. She had dried blood on her. A few minor scratches and injuries, the dark and distant look was still in place. When he finally called out asking if she was okay,  she snapped out of it. "Yeah I do occasionally lose control when I'm mad but just fine. Is food almost done?" Going back to the chipper young lady that she was. "No it still likes alittle bit wanna clean up?" She gasped "Are you saying that I look and smell awful sir? " playful joking with him watching him squrim trying to fix his words. She broke out into laughter. " Relax Ian, I was planning on it actually, I do look rough. I let him land more hits on me than I should have. I didn't draw my sword once cause I was so angry. " WIthout waiting to hear a reply she dashed towards the bathroom. The hot shower felt nice, she dried off and put on some comfy shorts and a tank top floping down on the couch yawn. "We've had a busy day. " Just then Ian's door opened. "Leonis? Ian?"  In the kitchen Ian shouted, popping up like a daisy nearly giving the blonde a heartattack. "How bout a warning like your friend in the kitchen." Giggling a quick I'm sorry before melting into a smile. "You don't have to worry about that man anymore. You're free to live how you want. I got your things ." The blonde eyes widen. "What do you mean? What xactly happened?" Ian came out of the kitchen you can talk more after dinner which is done now. Losing her serious dinner. "Yay lets go Stella, Ian cooking its the best!" Ian looked at her "All you need to know is the captain took care of it and that you shouldn't worry about the past, just your present and future should be your focus now. It's kinda her thing to wanna help others even if it means putting her journey and goals to the side for awhile. That's just the kinda person she is."  "Ian, Stella! If your not in here in a few minutes to eat with me, I'm eating yours to!" A panicked look shot over his face, "Lets go or she will. I don't understand how that tiny 5'6ft frame hold all that food." Hurrying the there the three began to eat, talk, and joke around. It felt like they were a family. "Leonis are you by chance needing a doctor in your crew?" Stella asked. A smile lit her face. "Of course you want to join us?!" she asked getting excited. Receiving a nod. "I didn't always like this thing, I hated being a doctor, because of that awful man, but it won't be so bad. I actually enjoy helping out, and I want to be the best doctor in the world. " This is more like it. Finally we're looking like a decent crew. A cook, a doctor, and a swordsman for a captain. I specialize in knives, what about you Stella? I'm pretty good with talking myself out of tough situations.  Weapon wise guns (mainly pistols) , surgeons knife and other tools. I wanna find a special devil fruit, the mirror mirror fruit, rumor has it  you can make illusions with it, weapons, reflect and deflect attacks.  "OH your the coolest doctor ever, I'll definitely help you find that. It's a captains promise! I say we do a few more odd Jobs here, stock up on supplies and head out to find that fruit, maybe pick up some more crewmates along the way?" "Sounds like a fine plan to me captain." "What do you think Stella?" "Sounds great but how about one more day of rest before that?" "We can manage that. We'll put our plan into action of the next day of rest." Little did they know they were going to run into their next crewmate son enough. After their day od partying and relaxing the Stella and Ian went on to the task assigned to them. Leonis however wanted to find a carpenter/ well a repairman for the ship and all the odds and end jobs. Alot of the guys were interested until she said her crew ship and other things. "Sorry honey but I don't do those kind of jobs" "Sorry sweet thing you looked cute when you first approached me but I gotta go." "sorry no time to talk to a girl like you" "Wait, why won't anyone talk to me or help?" She sighed frustrated after the last guy had. Let without sparing her a glance. "What jerks. AN they call themselves men of craft. I'll help you,my names Max, miss what do you need?" She teared up. " I need help with everything my ship is falling apart and me and the other two don't have a clue on how to fix anything. It's a nightmare, thats just a few things, I really need a fulltime person. " She began to ramble. Finally a chuckle broke through and she stopped puffing out her cheeks thinking everything was a joke to everyone, how she wasn't taken seriously cause she was a young woman. "Calm down, I'll repair what I can but did you just asked me to become a member of your crew?' She tilted her head. She smiled a small smile already knowing an answer. I did kinda just ask you to become a member without thinking along with the other list of things I needed done. "I'll do it" Blinking. "I'm an impulsive man, while I take time and pride in my crafts I get bored easy this is the 2nd town I've been to in a month. I like to work and travel. So That offer a serious one. "Yes of course I'd love to have you aboard." Lets go back to the ship. After assessing it he began tearing things apart nearly giving her a hearttack. My motto is ‘You gotta know how to take something apart to build it better, so let’s destroy it.' He was quick to make repairs just as the other two came back. What is that behemoth doing? Ian that's not nice. He's repairing the ship and he's Our new crewmate! What?! I know I've been out of his way but I'd occasionally ask him a question when he was on break. On top of being strong, and a great repairman . He's good close ranger fighter, but he likes using his creations to fight. (Bombs, traps, guns, cannons, etc) Stella seemed interest. "You work fast captain." As she said that Max appear, His sandy blonde hair and brown eyes, tanned skinned, revealing his muscle. Stella whistled. "He's not from here either is he captain?" Ian Gawked at her I thought we were bonding like you and captain were yesterday. Flashing him a smile we were, I had fun. Don't get jealous cause your not the only male in the crew anymore this could be good for you. It'll even the score when you disagree with me and the captain. " Sighing stop trying to cheer me up" all of them boarded and and put the supplies away when Ian began cooking. There was plenty of talking about what would happen the next few days. The next day they decided to set sail bright an early. The next island and hopefully to find some information on the mirror mirror fruit. Join us next time as the Lionheart pirates continue their journey!

[followingkale]

Tell Me About Your Parents. 09/22/17.

For the most part I’m in the mindset that I have a healthy relationship with my parents.

I think back to where I once was in my youth and I so admire the strides we’ve taken over the last five years.

I am currently beyond furious and approaching tears at work right now because I’m trying to be honest with them.

I knew as soon as I told them of my plans to leave early I was going to be grilled relentlessly. I told my mother I was planning on being home for thanksgiving weekend, to which her response was “Go West”. I told her again later the blank statement of “I need to come home mom”, to which I got a series of six text messages asking me what’s the hurry, her friends in Vancouver want to take me to this place and this place, she sent me links to the Hospitality program at Algonquin College, pushing me to go back and enroll in January, telling me that there’s a deal with OSAP and tuition fees are dirt cheap. All as a response to the statement I need to come home.

I’m livid.

I reached out to my dad to keep him in the loop, telling him I’d be home in two weeks. He bluntly told me that he already knew, that he and my mother had talked about it already, and closed off his monologue with “well so be it”.

Even my sister was on my case yesterday, telling me I would regret if I just came home right away.

I know I don’t have a personal relationship with my family, but I’m struggling not to be a little hurt at the fact that no one has asked me really why my plans have changed. I’ve had no serious talks with anyone in my family since being here, had no chance to reflect on things learned or where my head has been.

I’ve been fighting with this for what feels like weeks now, and I’m sorry but this is garbage. Yeah sure, I’d love to go to Calgary and Revelstoke and Vancouver and Victoria and wherever the fuck else she wants me to go for some fucking reason. But I’m the one who put myself in this situation, have been working my ass off pulling money together this summer. I’m not about to blow it all on some stupid trip to go see family I haven’t seen in years and friends of my mothers. I’ve got my own world to get back to, I’m not even home yet and the concept of post secondary Is ALREADY being pushed at me. I know what I have to look forward to at home doesn’t seem like a lot, pulling together a job and a new home and new routines and settling back into my relationship, but fucking dammit my emotions are valid.

I’ve been on such a journey this summer, experienced so much personal growth and seen so much bloom within myself, and it breaks my heart that because of the relationship I share with my parents they’re probably not going to see any of it. I’m going to come home and they’ll be immune to the new light I put off, and will instantly be on my ass about what I’m doing next, what my next plan was, why I’m not instantly working.

I’m usually very fluid when it comes to my parents suggestions, I stay neutral and go with it for the most part. Texting my mom this morning, hearing her say “I respect your choices but as a parent I need to provide guidance, suggestions, and insights”. I understand that and I respect that, but I’m 22 years old and made the choice to come here on my own. I was the one that worked for the money to get myself out here. I was the one that put on my game face and made a good impression with my coworkers and bosses. I was the one that left everything behind to throw myself into a new work and living situation after two years of the same routine. I’m the one saving for my ticket home, and I’m the one who is going to make the final call as to when I leave and where I go.

I know I let my parents opinions sway me more than I should. I’ve let things they’ve said to me jade me, and because we don’t have that relationship where I feel like I can confide them in such personal things, I skirt the edges to avoid disappointing them.

I know that things are going to be different after this experience, this is something by no means I thought I was going to gain as experience points. I’d already had to snap at my dad once since being here, when I first brought up leaving potentially early. He got all dad-ee about me upsetting my boss, not getting a reference or a bonus if I were to leave a little early, concerned about the financial aspect as well as my professionalism.

My mental state wasn’t the best when I first brought that up, and the fact that my dad has also had problems with facing his own anxieties, yet wasn’t willing to really ask me how my head was, what was going on, had hurt me more than I thought it would.

I’m sick of this half assed mask that there is sitting between parent and child.

I asked my mom once when I was probably 17 if we were friends, and she said no, that she’s my parent not my friend. I shook it off, figuring it was because of my age, she still had parenting to do. Yet as I’ve continued to grow I’ve hardly seen the attitude change.

My parents have done so much right, and I’m truly blessed to have gotten to grow up around them, watching and learning from their dynamic and the things they valued enough to instill in myself and my siblings.

But with that being said, there is much I will choose to do differently when I have a family of my own.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned with distance from my parents, is that they’re just people, and I need not fear communication. I know the few times I’ve snapped back at them, probing them back with questions, giving mature and personal inseight, I’ve surprised them. Like I said I’m usually quite fluid with them, seeing as how I used to be so hostile, I try to keep most converstions light as to not go back to the rage that used to flow from me in their company.

I’m tired of being fluid though. I feel like my family knows me but knows absolutely nothing about me since I so often don’t give inseight or details or whatnot. Whenever a conversation reaches the point of personal details I usually just close off, wave it away. I’d never been comfortable talking like that with my parents, and especially in my teens when I was forced into counselling with them both it only got worse. It takes a considerable amount for me to sought the advice from my mom about personal issues.

I hadn’t realized how much I’d repressed, all the memories of hostility and rage and discomfort. I remember the day my mom called me out on the chicken scratches along my inner arms when I was 17, the both of us yelling and screaming around the house. Her bellowing at me to take off my bracelets, while I cowered behind my door in tears.

I can so specifically remember the few times I’d pulled enough shit to finally lift the parental mask from my mother and father. I’d catch a glimpse for just a second of their true selves, caught up in anger, I could see it in the lights of their eyes, spitting words at the most toxic form of myself.

I think back to the time I spent in counselling in my youth, and wish I could remember more details. It’s a haze though, my mind doesn’t want to remember it.

I’d never realized how my mind blocked out all the time I spent with therapists and life coaches, which is unfortunate since I’m sure it would be nice to have any sort of memory at all of what conclusions had been drawn upon.

The more I think about it the weirder it makes me feel.

I saw a cognitive therapist for a little while in high school, and only remembered a few months ago when I was talking about different forms of therapy with Abby. She asked me what the approach was like, and I should have remembered, since I was probably sixteen. I think back to the hours I spent there and its literally a block, my mind cut it out completely.

I have memories of sitting in the waiting room, and then curled up on a chair in her office crying. I remember a fight I had with my dad in the parking lot, crying and screaming about how embarrassed I was to be pulled out of school to be seeing a therapist again. But I don’t remember the conversations, the emotions, any kind of technique used, its all lost in the void of memories my mind deemed not worthy of recalling.

I have memories of being taken to doctor at a younger age, probably 11 or so. Whither medical or holistic I don’t remember, but the office was sparse and modernly decorated. I remember laying on a bench in an office that was decorated with warm tones and aspects of the doctor’s personal life, I don’t remember if there were medical tools or not. But I laid down on this bench, and he sat on a stool near my head with his fingertips on my scalp, repeating certain motions on my head with his hands. He told me that it would feel like my brain was rocking back and fourth. I don’t remember if he did anything else, but I left that day with powdered capsules and a jar of liquid with an eye dropped attached to the lid, filled with a substance I was supposed to take orally. I don’t remember what they were for or if I ever went back again.

The more I think back the more I remember, but only in snapshots.

I remember when I was 10, my parents weren’t sure if they wanted to keep me in Waldorf education or put me back into the Alternative system. They brought me to a building somewhere, where I was brought up several flights of stairs to sit in another office with a middle-aged man. I took a few paper tests, just about math and spelling I think, and then we talked for awhile. We did some inkblot tests as far as I can remember. I don’t remember his name, but I think I saw him a few times.

It was when I was 17 that my parents and I started going to a family and relationship councillor. That was the most upset I’d been about seeing a shrink in my entire life, the fact that I was literally being forced to talk to my parents with a third-party mediator present was absolutely nerve wracking. I saw her a few months before she asked if I would be okay with either one of my parents joining us for a day. My mom tagged along the next week, and on the way there I had already clammed up. I had only just gotten used to Marlene, and throwing my mom now into the mix had me right back to where we started.

I remember that office so clearly, and I remember parts of that day all too well, while other parts not at all. I sat in a heap in the corner of the couch across from Marlene, arms crossed and looking out the window. I pushed aside any stab at conversation for the first while, and then was quickly turned into a shaking, blubbering, mess.

It had reached a point of me acting out, that any time I got caught with my parents I would just turn off, go numb. I realized what’s the absolute worst that can happen? Take my phone, ground me, kick me off the internet at home, that’s literally it. Whenever I got caught in a lie, or my mom found drugs or booze in my room, I was caught skipping class, or spending time with people she didn’t approve of, I would turn off my brain while I sat there and idly took the punishment. I’d live out my grounding or whatnot, then go back to my routines.

I lied about everything, twisting the truth, manipulating stories, making up friends names to spit out in stories, and dishing out ridiculous cover stories for where I was really going and what I was doing.

I was horrible to my siblings, lashing out with attitude and toxicity that came from nowhere with no real reason. The things they had called me out for, the amount of times that children younger than me had to call me out for being a horrible person was mortifying to look back on. I don’t know why I was so angry, what I had to be so upset about.

I hated being touched by my family, any form of physical contact or positive admiration had me spitting venom and yelling profanity. I don’t know where it came from or why it stopped. There was no one event in my childhood that should have sparked such negative things from me. I don’t remember what changed, or when mind you, since so much is a block in my head still.

I just remember coming home from school in a better mood one day. Every single day for what felt like years, I would come home to the question “how was your day?”, to which every single day I would respond with a monotone “fine” before scampering up to my room for the rest of the night. But for whatever reason, I’d said it was good, and then continued to greet my mother or father, I don’t remember who, with a hug before going upstairs. It was the first time I’d sought out physical contact from either of them in months, and I just remember watching the storm cloud above me begin to fade away slowly with time.

It wasn’t until I moved out though that things really settled, and even then, I don’t know if things really settled or if the distance of not living with my parents just smoothed things over.

It was weird coming back home. I didn’t really have a sit down conversation with my parents upon moving back in, which I’m not at all surprised about. Looking back we should have talked about how it would work. The fact that I was now moving back home as an adult, how would I contribute to the household? How long would I be staying? Would I start paying rent at a certain point? Do you expect to hear from me if I’m not coming home at night? How this was actually going to work.

I’d always been one to keep things from them until the last minute, just to avoid a hassle. I didn’t tell them I was moving out of their house until after I’d signed a lease and was going to be moving in three weeks. I didn’t tell my mom I was going to be moving back home until the day after my breakup. I didn’t tell them I’d be breaking off my contract in Alberta until after my two weeks had been given. My mother had once judged me so harshly for going out with someone a few weeks after a breakup in high school, that I’m now hesitant and wait until the last possible second to tell her when I’ve started seeing someone new. Any new body mod, hair colour, tattoo, I would wait to show them until after I’d already gone and done it, so it’d already be too late if they wanted to advise me not to do it.

I Put off telling them about my leaving early because I knew she was going to push me to stay, to take the trip, to spend the money, to just go because I’d already come all this way. I know she’s just trying to help, I know that it would be an incredible time and I’d be so lucky to have a free place to stay in Vancouver. But I am drained. I am exhausted.

I want familiarity and routine and a city I know. I want to come home and see friends and family and places I’ve been before. I spent the last two months very much out of my element, trying to get my feet on the ground. I was an absolute wreck of a child, and my mother should fully know that. You’d look at that nervous deer of an awkward teenager and never in your life would you think that she should make the decision to sought this out and actually do it.

I know this summer doesn’t seem like that big a deal. God it hardly is. I literally just moved a few provinces over to work at a hotel for a few months. I know its not a big deal, but for someone like me this is an enormous deal. This is a huge thing and I did it, I made the choice to come out here by myself, I worked for the money to afford coming out here by myself. I did the research and nailed the interview by myself.

I got myself to fucking Hinton Alberta, and made a home for myself in this strange little place with a group of people I didn’t know. I got a job in a field I’ve NEVER worked in my life, and managed to learn how to do it and how to do it well. I made a good impression with my coworkers and managers, and learned to adapt and troubleshoot in and out of work. I fought through ups and downs, while learning about myself and my relationship and my friends at home. I thought about it, and made the decision to come home by myself. I’ve come to learn what truly makes me happy, what instills passion and drive within me, the things I love to do and the kinds of people that inspire me. I got to get inspired by simple living, and learned more about how I truly enjoy spending my time. I got to learn about a different lifestyle, driven by little things that spark passion. I got to spend time outside, connecting with the earth in ways I had never imagined. I realized so much about myself, and I realize that for some people something like this really doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to me this was astronomical. This was a huge step for me, and I’m so proud of myself for following through and sticking it out. Fuck I was so close to bunking off and bailing in the middle of the night a few weeks into my time here. The fact that I am STILL HERE after that in of its own is something I am proud of.

I’m not going about my choice to leave lightly. I know my time has come, and I know I’ve wrung out all I can from this experience. I didn’t come out here for the job. I came out here for the life, and the people and the solitude and the connections and the lessons.

I was talking to Olivia last night, and she put it so well. That I’ve already come to do the majority of the learning that I could have from being out here. Taking some silly trip to appease my mom isn’t going to give me anywhere near the realisations on the world like what I’ve had here. I don’t know this for sure of course, but I came here for the time in Alberta, not the time trapped in limbo between this home and my old home. I’m tired, I want to lay in my own bed and shower in my own shower, despite neither of those things at home really being mine.

It’d just feel like I was prolonging my arrival home and back to the real world. I’m not in the mindset to travel now, my energy has been dwindling since the snow hit.

I had my big step out the door, I know how easy it is to just book a ticket and go. I have no problem doing that, and the fact that I’ve banked the money I have in my savings account has me inspired for next summer to see where I end up for real.

This summer I needed a new element, I needed to live out of my comfort zone for awhile. While next summer I hope to live out of a backpack in nothing but Birkinstocks and jean cutoffs with my dudes clammy hand to hold.

I’ve got the next year of my life to plan for. If I’m going to do it right, I want to have my life sorted out before I leave. I want to be working in Art House, set up in a new home, spend the winter doing things I love, working lots, staying involved and working hard on getting my life together.

I’ve fully realized that I can live a fulfilling life even if I don’t know what I want to be doing down the road with post secondary. I can live my days happy and satisfied and looking forward to tomorrow. I don’t need to have an end goal in mind. 

Wake up in a good mood, try new things, stay active in the community, get outside, have good conversations, rid my life of toxic people and hold on to the things that make me feel alive. Create lots, paint lots, write lots, drink coffee, walk around, ride my bike, cook good food, meet new people, save my money, plan adventures, get stoked on all the incredible things I could spend my days doing.

I need to rid myself of any worry of judgement my family will hold over my head. I need to go with what I trust is right, I’ve earned the ability to trust my gut at this point. The world will unfold as it should.

I know I’m making a good call to come home. Anything I’m already stressing so much about is not worth my time or energy. Kales coming home, and she will do what she does best.

I’m at the point where I’m willing to go back home and rip down any professional walls between parent and child. I’m tired of stuffy conversation, get passionate and talk to me like a real human. I want to feel comfortable enough to talk to my parents and ask for advice when I need it, I really want to be able to feel vulnerable around them, I love them unconditionally. I have such an incredible family, and I value each one of them for such different things, they’ve all helped shape me into the person I’ve become.

I know we need to work on communication though, and I know that first step needs to come from me. I need to be willing to bring myself back to a vulnerable place, to be the first one to come to them looking for help, advice when I’m at a low point. I need to ask the thought provoking questions, show them the part of myself I’ve come to know so well, yet they’ve never seen before. There is so much in me that I know is unfamiliar to them, and there are things within themselves I know nothing about in turn.

One of my biggest fears is my parents passing and feeling like I know nothing about them. Yes we will have had years of wonderful memories and lives that intertwined, but I want to be able to stand and tell stories on stories and spit out facts about them as people, not just as parents. I want to be friends with my parents, just like as I want to be friends with the children I hope to have one day.